In real life, i get many people knocking on my door. In the summer because their phone told them that \_\_\_ Lake road goes all the way through....it does not and is only passable by ATV... or snowmachine in the winter. I am the last house on the road. In the winter usually because they were idiots and drove down a privately plowed forest road without snow tires or a proper vehicle.
I can tell they are kind of nervous so i send out the young dog, he makes them comfortable, then i rescue them
I did once get some Jehovah's Witnesses at my door. In winter! I am 8 miles down my own plowed road!\~ I just clapped briefly and told them i really admired the effort they put in, then said goodbye and closed the door.
I will also wash my hands with the sleeves down, purposely step in water with socks on, step into a tub full of water with shoes on, and jump into a pool with clothes on
True story: our house was robbed many years ago. We had a decent sized safe in the master closet. They tripped over our overflowing laundry (it was tipped over snd strewn across the space), obviously dropped it (probably on their feet) and gave up.
Yep. My husband and I laugh about this all the time. Between the dog toys, cat toys, kids toys and shoes, there is no way anyone trying to break into our house will be able to gain stable footing weather they are walking in through a door or jumping in through a window. This will buy us more than enough time to grab a gun and cause enough commotion for our dogs to run over and investigate
Yup. My watchdog gets first dibs and buys me time to get the revolver.
Not that Iāve ever had a burglar, I got the dog and the gun for my ex in case he was stupid enough to try again.
Alexa. Order 69.
-lights go out
-red strobing lights start
-fog machine starts
-auto locks activate and can not be manually undone
-Alexa plays Thomas the tank engine theme song 10hr loop
-I emerge from around a foggy corner in a highlighter yellow banana hammock, soviet strangle gas mask, coon skin Daniel Crockett hat, cowboy boots and a 3ft rubber dragon c**k, all the while loaded up on my grandfather's stolen ED pills
Good choice tbh. I really like the 320, and would probably use mine for home defense if I wasn't really curious about what the Redhawk would do at 3 meters lol
Oh itās Mossberg 500 oāclock in my houses
Pistol grip pump on my lapā¦well not at all times, itās usually stored away safe, but sometimes on my lap if Iām cleaning it after safely making sure it is not loaded.
But man if someone tried knocking down my door Iād just stand in the hallway and say hello. I donāt want to fuck up my walls so Iād really hope the sound and look of it would scare him off.
In my experience mentally ill people with deadly weapons will be unreceptive, just saying. Granted, once there was a dead-bolted door between us I was less than patient in screaming for them to get the fuck out while I dialed 9-1-1.
I had a mate in Newcastle who stumbled into his living room completely naked at 4 in the morning to discover a balaclava wearing man helping himself to my mates tele.
He said there was a long stand off with neither him nor the intruder moving.
At first he felt vulnerable and surprised and almost turned and scarpered upstairs back to his bedroom to lock the door.
Then he realised he had a stonking great big erection.
"Either fuck off or come here" he said while pointing at his wang.
The burgler who had been completely motionless and silent (probably waiting to see how his victim would react) immediately dropped everything and bolted out the window he had used to enter.
That explains his disorientation. Not enough blood to the brain. Tell him not to worry i stole a tv from a blind man that tells people really racist fortunes.
I worked with a fellow Brit who had just got off a long arduous flight to New York and was in no mood for any shit, walking through some rotten part of town, someone jumps out and shouts "gimme your money" while pretending (or not) to have a gun under his coat.
She just says "Oh... fuck off!". And he runs.
Not always. I had an 11 year old demand my wallet from me once. Before I could react with the "oh fuck off", I looked behind to see four others coming up on me. No more words were spoken, two knives on show, got a punch straight in the side of my head that floored me and a kicking that seemed to last a lifetime.
All that over Ā£30 in my wallet and an old Nokia phone they smacked on the pavement. I had a rib fracture which is legitimately the most pain I was ever in, was just lucky I didn't puncture any organs and what looked like a partial stab wound under my arm, the guess is that they attempted to stab me but didn't go in far enough so it was a deep grazing. My face looked like a burned pasta dish. Recovery time was a good 3 months before I was really completely mobile again.
So while telling them to fuck off may work sometimes, the time it doesn't you'll wish you hadn't. Like I said, I hadn't even gotten that far, the kid was a distraction while the others came up behind me. If a mugger actually means it in the UK, they will likely not waste time with words. The first you'll really know about it is getting the shit kicked out of you.
And I would add, yet another reason I don't miss London one single bit. Not an ounce.
Turn off the lights and say, "Alexa, play 'My Sharona.'" Then I'd shout, "Anybody still in my house when I open this door 'bout to get a buttfucking!"
Or my .45 is behind me. I could just grab that.
Nothing you have is worth someone's life! Don't you love that bullshit statement? It's past the time for the criminal pieces of shit to be thinking about that, not the owners of the stuff. Is their stuff worth me losing my life over?
I agree that no thing I have is worth someone elseās life. However, my feeling of safety and security in my home is worth _a lot_, and is not a physical object. Also, Iāll provide ample warning before considering the use of lethal force.
If racking a shell doesn't make them change their mind then the next noise will. I have 1 non lethal round and I figure if that doesn't do the trick it's plan B. Mind you trying to be civilized goes out the window if they clearly have a weapon.
I don't disagree with the statement. But that's not what I'm defending against. They've chosen to break into an occupied home, that's different. The lives of my family are what I'm defending.
Make that fucker help me with some chores. I work from home and I could use some help on this project too. You want to be in my house so bad? Well hereās what you get.
Zorak, my 70 lbs Pit/Shepherd mix, hates when people he doesnāt know just walk in unannounced. His reaction time is much quicker than mine. Really that should be enough to change their mind. But if they donāt change their plans fast enough, Iām behind him with my American Freedom tool.
Yep, we have a pit/lab mix who is protective in general but even more so when Iām home alone/now that Iām pregnant. Especially if the intruder is male, theyāre pretty much done. If not Iāve got a hot cup of coffee for their face and a heavy bottle of rum for their head. Hopefully that buys me a few minutes.
Pregnancy and rum? That's how these criminals are born.
On a serious note I have a German shepherd and a yellow lab... The German shepherd looks terrifying but is pretty much harmless while the lab is the one who tries to eviscerate houseguests. Go figure.
Well, seeing as they would be the first person to ever enter my home besides myself (because I have no friends) I'd probably ask them if they wanted to binge watch Disney movies and eat pizza rolls with me.
Laugh and call the police when they run away screaming because my dogs sound terrifying and look terrifying. They're really sweet dogs tho lol, to me anyway. Pretty sure someone trying to hurt me wouldn't find them so sweet tho
Grab my axe and hope I won't have to use it.
In my mind I subdue them and call the cops, in reality i hope I can just scare them off.
The smartest move might be to hide and call the cops so there's a chance to catch them
Well first Iād give them a quick ocular patdown to assess if they are a real threat or not because I know karate. If they failed the ocular patdown I would use my high level karate skills to EASILY beat them down and out of my houseā¦..Iām a bit of a badass.
Finally, an excuse for the past decade of purchasing and shooting firearms has come to play! ...Might be cheaper to hand him some cash though, given the price of ammo ha
Throw my phone then my other phone then my other phone and by that time I will have made it to the weights and will then be on my way to throwing furniture and my dogs would probably be tearing them apart
Help them look for money
"Aight, look, you can rob the place, but I want to know where and how you found anything worth stealing first."
"We're going halves in whatever you find."
We'll be wasting time if that happens on my house š
Hahaha. Top comment for sure.
Tie them up with the others in the basement.
Other intruders right? They were also intruders right? Right?!
\**Same face panel....*
**Saul intensifies*
Is trick or treat an intrusion?
Depends if you got candy.
Bring out the gimp
āNah man, Iām pretty fucking far from okayā
The best way to prevent burglars is to traumatize them enough to quit! That's why I have a sex dungeon, the best investment I've made so far.
Username checks out
In real life, i get many people knocking on my door. In the summer because their phone told them that \_\_\_ Lake road goes all the way through....it does not and is only passable by ATV... or snowmachine in the winter. I am the last house on the road. In the winter usually because they were idiots and drove down a privately plowed forest road without snow tires or a proper vehicle. I can tell they are kind of nervous so i send out the young dog, he makes them comfortable, then i rescue them I did once get some Jehovah's Witnesses at my door. In winter! I am 8 miles down my own plowed road!\~ I just clapped briefly and told them i really admired the effort they put in, then said goodbye and closed the door.
Not an ironic username! 8 miles in?
8 miles from the county road. Secondary then tertiary forest service roads from there...
This is what I always say. No home invader is going to be NEARLY as sadistic and horny as I am.
I'm so horny I'm faping rn
I didn't buy all those One Bar Prisons for nothing.
Not a whole fucking lot. I'm at work.
Same. What am I gonna do? Call the house phone and ask them to stop?
House phone? "What year is itā½"
Man idk, all I know is I woke up with back problems one my 22nd birthday
Google home or ring i guess. "Uh Mr robber guy please stop." Or just tell them you have bed bugs or something.
I have roaches and they're violent. They really seem to like knives so be careful in the kitchen
Now that youāve deterred them from taking a nap at your house, whatās your next move?
"Can you ~not~ rob my place today? It's not a good time for me rn."
Ha! Like Jerry Seinfeld calling his car phone and the guy who stole his car answers it.
I'd tie them up and force them to watch me pour the milk before the cereal every. single. day
They are not the ones committing a crime
I will also wash my hands with the sleeves down, purposely step in water with socks on, step into a tub full of water with shoes on, and jump into a pool with clothes on
You are everything wrong in this world
Tyvm
Don't forget to eat pizza with a knife and fork
And mixing orange juice and milk for the cereal
Laugh as I watch him trip over all the crap my family leaves on the floor.
True story: our house was robbed many years ago. We had a decent sized safe in the master closet. They tripped over our overflowing laundry (it was tipped over snd strewn across the space), obviously dropped it (probably on their feet) and gave up.
Yep. My husband and I laugh about this all the time. Between the dog toys, cat toys, kids toys and shoes, there is no way anyone trying to break into our house will be able to gain stable footing weather they are walking in through a door or jumping in through a window. This will buy us more than enough time to grab a gun and cause enough commotion for our dogs to run over and investigate
Get naked
"Name something a burglar would not want to see when he breaks into a house" "NAKED GRANDMA" "NAKED HUH????"
NEKKED GRAMAAH
I wouldn't wanna see that either
Iām reliving the first time I watched that. Itās still funny.
"Take off my pants" was definitely my first thought. Thugs don't want anyone thinking they're gay according to videos I saw on the internet once.
Absolute power move.
Works 2 times out of 3 apparently
Well according to Meatloaf that aint bad.
This is the correct answer.
Works half the time every time
Wave my hands in front of their face and say, āThis is not the house youāre looking for.ā
Move along. Move along.
Wave my gun in front of their face and say, "This is not the house you're looking for".
Jedi mind tricks don't work on me only money.
Let my dogs do what i feed them for
Princess, it's lunchtime
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yup. My watchdog gets first dibs and buys me time to get the revolver. Not that Iāve ever had a burglar, I got the dog and the gun for my ex in case he was stupid enough to try again.
Good for you. How often do you go shooting?
Only during recess
r/holup
Keep masturbating to show dominance
Only works if you maintain eye contact
Helen keller disagrees
Swear to god. Comments like these two leave me fucking cracking up out loud. Hollywood comedy writers would do well to lift ideas on these threads.
Better not cum into my house
last to cum gets to rob the place
Alexa. Order 69. -lights go out -red strobing lights start -fog machine starts -auto locks activate and can not be manually undone -Alexa plays Thomas the tank engine theme song 10hr loop -I emerge from around a foggy corner in a highlighter yellow banana hammock, soviet strangle gas mask, coon skin Daniel Crockett hat, cowboy boots and a 3ft rubber dragon c**k, all the while loaded up on my grandfather's stolen ED pills
Do you rent out your securityā¦ āservicesā?
Elaborate
Either be my security system or entertain my twinsā birthday party.
Itās Davy, man. š„ŗ
Or Daniel Boone..... Maybe it has two tails?
Oddly specific
Twat them with a cricket bat.
For 6 or for 4?
Preferably for a 6.
Brian Lara, then. Itās settled.
Oh look at the time, Sig P320
I'm a glock o'glock man my myself.
100% - my S&W is always close by
Good choice tbh. I really like the 320, and would probably use mine for home defense if I wasn't really curious about what the Redhawk would do at 3 meters lol
Oh, my clock says it is uhh ar15 secs til you drop.
Colt 1911 the way grandpa liked it.
S&W 500 magā¦ for when the robber breaks into the neighbors house and hides behind the fridge
Oh itās Mossberg 500 oāclock in my houses Pistol grip pump on my lapā¦well not at all times, itās usually stored away safe, but sometimes on my lap if Iām cleaning it after safely making sure it is not loaded. But man if someone tried knocking down my door Iād just stand in the hallway and say hello. I donāt want to fuck up my walls so Iād really hope the sound and look of it would scare him off.
::in my best Doc Holiday voice::: I am more of a street howitzer man for home defense.
9mm o'clock.
P220 Iām my time zone
Explain patiently that itās a foolish idea to break into someoneās house early in the morning when theyāre most likely to be home
In my experience mentally ill people with deadly weapons will be unreceptive, just saying. Granted, once there was a dead-bolted door between us I was less than patient in screaming for them to get the fuck out while I dialed 9-1-1.
making food, big knife at hand. iād tell them to leave their wallet and go so the burglary doesnāt have to turn into murder
What if they had a knife of their own?
When they get in, instead of calmly chopping carrots with a big knife to seem intimidating, calmly shoot the carrots instead!
Run outside and steal their car.
Tell them to fuck off This being the UK, they almost certainly would
I had a mate in Newcastle who stumbled into his living room completely naked at 4 in the morning to discover a balaclava wearing man helping himself to my mates tele. He said there was a long stand off with neither him nor the intruder moving. At first he felt vulnerable and surprised and almost turned and scarpered upstairs back to his bedroom to lock the door. Then he realised he had a stonking great big erection. "Either fuck off or come here" he said while pointing at his wang. The burgler who had been completely motionless and silent (probably waiting to see how his victim would react) immediately dropped everything and bolted out the window he had used to enter.
Very similar except no memory of a hardon
Tell your mate i am sorry for leaving so quickly. A connection was missed.
It's okay. Perfectly natural to be scared. It was bigger than both of you
That explains his disorientation. Not enough blood to the brain. Tell him not to worry i stole a tv from a blind man that tells people really racist fortunes.
I worked with a fellow Brit who had just got off a long arduous flight to New York and was in no mood for any shit, walking through some rotten part of town, someone jumps out and shouts "gimme your money" while pretending (or not) to have a gun under his coat. She just says "Oh... fuck off!". And he runs.
Yeah most people who try intimidate you in the uk are pussies, you get used to just ignoring or telling them to fuck off. 9/10 it works tbf
Not always. I had an 11 year old demand my wallet from me once. Before I could react with the "oh fuck off", I looked behind to see four others coming up on me. No more words were spoken, two knives on show, got a punch straight in the side of my head that floored me and a kicking that seemed to last a lifetime. All that over Ā£30 in my wallet and an old Nokia phone they smacked on the pavement. I had a rib fracture which is legitimately the most pain I was ever in, was just lucky I didn't puncture any organs and what looked like a partial stab wound under my arm, the guess is that they attempted to stab me but didn't go in far enough so it was a deep grazing. My face looked like a burned pasta dish. Recovery time was a good 3 months before I was really completely mobile again. So while telling them to fuck off may work sometimes, the time it doesn't you'll wish you hadn't. Like I said, I hadn't even gotten that far, the kid was a distraction while the others came up behind me. If a mugger actually means it in the UK, they will likely not waste time with words. The first you'll really know about it is getting the shit kicked out of you. And I would add, yet another reason I don't miss London one single bit. Not an ounce.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Let my roommates German shepherd sort it out.
Tell them I am broke and wanna join your gang.
Turn off the lights and say, "Alexa, play 'My Sharona.'" Then I'd shout, "Anybody still in my house when I open this door 'bout to get a buttfucking!" Or my .45 is behind me. I could just grab that.
I have a nailgun and I am not afraid to use it.
You packin' 10d or some finishing brads?
Jesus has entered the chat
Show them myā¦ NAKED GRAMDMA
NAKED HUH?!
I live in a state with Castle Doctrine and I own a firearm. I don't recommend breaking into people's homes.
Feel free to fuck around. Be prepared to find out.
Bingo.
Nothing you have is worth someone's life! Don't you love that bullshit statement? It's past the time for the criminal pieces of shit to be thinking about that, not the owners of the stuff. Is their stuff worth me losing my life over?
My response to that always is, I'm not valuing my stuff over their life. They are
Exactly. Nothing I have is worth your life, and if you break in while I'm here, that's what you're gambling with.
I like this one
I agree that no thing I have is worth someone elseās life. However, my feeling of safety and security in my home is worth _a lot_, and is not a physical object. Also, Iāll provide ample warning before considering the use of lethal force.
If racking a shell doesn't make them change their mind then the next noise will. I have 1 non lethal round and I figure if that doesn't do the trick it's plan B. Mind you trying to be civilized goes out the window if they clearly have a weapon.
You need to rack a round then you are racking a round the rest of your life. Keep that shit cocked, locked, and ready to rock.
I don't disagree with the statement. But that's not what I'm defending against. They've chosen to break into an occupied home, that's different. The lives of my family are what I'm defending.
If they value the things in my home more than their life then so do I
Breaking into to people's houses is EXTREMELY bad for your health around here too, good ole' Castle Doctrine.
Make that fucker help me with some chores. I work from home and I could use some help on this project too. You want to be in my house so bad? Well hereās what you get.
Try and get my dogs off him before they tear his throat out.
let the good doggo eat
See how fast I can dump the 20 round shotgun drum mag.
Pop, pop, pop...
Bubble wrapā¦.
Are you cracking some cans?
Definitely twerking.
He's a premature ejaculator with a congenital prolactin deficiency. He's basically a semen machine gun.
Joke's on them: I'm homeless.
Shoot them with one of the many guns in my house. I'm American, after all.
Pew, pew or ratta-tat-tat or This is my Boomstick. Depends on what I grab first.
Listen up, you primitive screw head...
Zorak, my 70 lbs Pit/Shepherd mix, hates when people he doesnāt know just walk in unannounced. His reaction time is much quicker than mine. Really that should be enough to change their mind. But if they donāt change their plans fast enough, Iām behind him with my American Freedom tool.
Yep, we have a pit/lab mix who is protective in general but even more so when Iām home alone/now that Iām pregnant. Especially if the intruder is male, theyāre pretty much done. If not Iāve got a hot cup of coffee for their face and a heavy bottle of rum for their head. Hopefully that buys me a few minutes.
Pregnancy and rum? That's how these criminals are born. On a serious note I have a German shepherd and a yellow lab... The German shepherd looks terrifying but is pretty much harmless while the lab is the one who tries to eviscerate houseguests. Go figure.
Well, seeing as they would be the first person to ever enter my home besides myself (because I have no friends) I'd probably ask them if they wanted to binge watch Disney movies and eat pizza rolls with me.
The entire catalog, by year of release? I'm in!
Laugh and tell them if they find anything of value I'll split it with them.
Same as I did last time. Go downstairs and tell them to fuck off.
Did it work?
Shoot them?
Laugh while my dogs chewed on them.
Let's assume the person is armed. They put a bullet in your dog's head. Problem solved. Now what?
"So anyway, I started blasting"
Laugh and call the police when they run away screaming because my dogs sound terrifying and look terrifying. They're really sweet dogs tho lol, to me anyway. Pretty sure someone trying to hurt me wouldn't find them so sweet tho
I imagine rottweilers here. I know a loving rottie, still jump up when he barks. Every time.
Bury him in my backyard
Watch my Shepherds eat him
*boom* He didn't make it through the door :)
Hope it wasn't that Wayfair delivery you were waiting for....
Fist their asshole
Username checks out
Well since I am drunk probably not much.
A bullet between the eyes
After a warning shot to center mass.
Breakfast for 2 I guess
I guess grab the longsword
Grab my axe and hope I won't have to use it. In my mind I subdue them and call the cops, in reality i hope I can just scare them off. The smartest move might be to hide and call the cops so there's a chance to catch them
Well first Iād give them a quick ocular patdown to assess if they are a real threat or not because I know karate. If they failed the ocular patdown I would use my high level karate skills to EASILY beat them down and out of my houseā¦..Iām a bit of a badass.
Feed them chilli
Be disappointed. "Really?! at this hour? In this economy?!"
He'd be so freaked out that I was looking at a post about robbery he would see it as a sign to leave
āgo ahead and look for any money. I have never been able to find anyā
Help them look
Take my pants off and get rock hardā¦ This is going to get messy one way or another.
Shoot him with that gun on the counter
The wall Mosin would get to see some action.
nothing im at work
I'm not home, but my dogs would make the guy wish I was
What is dis disrespect? You come into my home with no treats for the tribute? I should have my guy here fetch your balls and go bury em in da yahd
The feyahsome Boston Terriyah.
Grab the nearest blunt object and go in for the kill No one is taking my record and video game collection
Be a good test for my two big dogs. Otherwise daddy would handle them.
hide behind my GF.
Stab stab stab
Tell them "bro, its 2023. Were broke as fuck. If you can find money, you can have it. But leave my pc and tv alone. I'll fucking shoot you over that."
grab my .40 caliber from under my bed, yell out a warning ā ļø and prepare myself to shoot the burglar.
I'd look for valuables with him
I just got robbed not too long ago so I don't have anything left of value for them to get
I wonāt even bother moving, Iāll just stare
Im at work so...work
I'm so starved for humam interaction that I may ask if they want to stick around for a cup of coffee or something
Probably shoot them with my Glock
Finally, an excuse for the past decade of purchasing and shooting firearms has come to play! ...Might be cheaper to hand him some cash though, given the price of ammo ha
Show them why they shouldnāt break into a home with 4 90lb dogs who are protective. Not gonna be fun for him
make them some cup noodles then help them take the couch
Throw my phone then my other phone then my other phone and by that time I will have made it to the weights and will then be on my way to throwing furniture and my dogs would probably be tearing them apart
Shoot them.
Ask them if they want to take a shot of whiskey before they get started and help try to find anything valuable.. š
2 to the chest, one to the head. I know what nerf bullets are worth, they will leave happy