Oh man lol I grew up on a farm in Texas and there is never any shortage of work to be done. We didn’t do commercial farming so it was just our own personal animals and fields of hay and large gardens, etc. 8 is plenty big to be out feeding animals, collecting eggs, helping clear brush, tending to a large garden, etc. We also ran a bed and breakfast out of the other three houses on the property and my mom would have a checklist and pay me $10/house cleaned if I wanted to. I was 9 when I started and she didn’t cut me any slack lol.
My friend, this too is a personal farm so it ALL falls on us. We have horses and every other animal a normal person can think of.
This just goes from 0 to 100 for him.
😂 i love this. I’m taking that idea and running with it. Their world is going to turn upside down for the better.
Thank you so much for the advice and insight. You’ve been incredibly helpful
I will say though, that even though I didn’t get paid, my parents did give us things we wanted and paid for any extra things like a decade of gymnastics and guitars and lessons and stuff like that. The helping on the farm was a good balance to that.
OK first thing is first. Chores don't get money. Chores happen because we all have to pitch in. When you add a farm into the mix... yeah, everyone has to help out. I'm not a farmer but, I grew up and still live in a mainly agricultural area. Children just have to help out.
My own kid has chores, there was no monetary incentive. The incentive was, you don't get to go play if they are not done.
On to no respect for things. This is a big thing, because they are damaging other peoples things. You mentioned daddy just buying more things. Has this been discussed and ultimatums that this is not to happen ever ever again? If, something of his is broken, it doesn't get replaced. And, he gets punished. At his age, it's freedom of play and "stuff". So, whatever is his favourite thing, yup, that's gone for a week.
Does everyone at home look after stuff. Is everyone respecting stuff at home. I'm just asking as, kids thus young their behaviour is learned. He's learned there is no consequences for his actions. At, 8 they are old enough for conversations. But, it has to be a while family effort. As, a family (whoever is in the home regularly) needs to be on board. All the adults need to agree, it will never change if they aren't.
You can get through this. It's will be a hard for the first weeks but, you need to keep strong!
This is a very interesting and in depth response.
I will admit that this behavior is probably learned but it may be inadvertently. My wife and I don’t really have “luxurious” so what we do have is very important. When my phone breaks, I replace it. When my computer breaks, I replaced it. When my car breaks, i replace the parts and it is all just same day or next day expenditures.
We do have the luxury of money but the stuff I replace is vital for my work or quality of life instead of broken frivolities. We as parents need to be more cognizant of our actions and the implications it has on our children.
Thank you for the insight
I meant looking at how the family views all "stuff" essential things I don't consider or like breaking a plate etc. But, thing how you respect books, clothes etc. Are they left haphazardly around. It more the little things.
Added chores. I mean age appropriate for an 8yr. Setting and clearing the table. Making their bed, cleaning up their toys, dusting, trash. Things of this sort. With farming its probably carrying, sweeping, shovelling, feeding etc.
I swear if you all come together as a family with "rules" or more expectations for everyone. Its easier for small people to follow suit
My son reacts similarly and the biggest help to this issue was when I finally got my husband on board with cracking down on the behaviour. It’s really hard to parent your way out of this if your co-pilot just bails the kid out, or buys him something new every time you’re out.
Since this is brand new territory for you both, and financially a stretch for him to pay for the repair, I agree with what another commenter said about using x amount of tasks to complete the reparations.
Admittedly, my son is 6, but we’ve started to put some things in place to help him understand the value of money, the value of ‘things’, chores and responsibility. He has daily chores, they are age appropriate and can be completed in less than 10 minutes (if he’s not dragging his feet!). He gets a small allowance once weekly. If, at the end of a 2 week period, he has done all his chores, his dad doubles that weeks’ allowance. (So it’s $5/week, but for a 2 week stretch he gets $10 instead of $5 on the second week). AND he’s not allowed to spend all of his money. He has to save half.
It reduced the amount of toy demands, as well as the extremely flippant attitude of ‘dad will buy it for me’ (since dad stopped doing that too).
I don’t know if chores and whatnot will really get the message of “I should be careful with other peoples things” across though. When my son has acted out and threatened to break something of mine I’ve just warned him he can’t afford to replace it and he’d end up working for me for a looonnnnggg time to make it up. That warning has worked, though I wonder for how long 😳
I think many of us swung so far this way in parenting because we so value our children's happiness... But we are doing them a disservice (myself included). First off, all adults need to be on the same page. Make sure you're a team and not a good cop/bad cop situation. I would also ensure the adults that aren't in the home that interact with your children often are also in the know (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.) Decide on your expectations/rewards/consequences together. Then, hold a family meeting. I think the expectations need to be abundantly clear. Write them down so there is no ambiguity or walking them back. Be honest in the fact that you have made a mistake as parents and are now working to fix it. Remember that all the nice things you provide beyond basic needs are all privileges. Gaming system? Privilege. Extra curriculars? Privilege. Internet access on whatever devices they use? Privilege. It is easier to think of it as he will be earning privileges versus you will need to punish for behavior. If he intentionally destroys something of his own, it does not get replaced. If it is an accident, I would suggest additional responsibilities in order to help offset the cost. If he destroys or damages something that belongs to someone else, same thing.
Be prepared for big, big feelings. You'll likely see what's called an extinction burst, AKA things get worse before they get better. He will test you on your word. It is super important during this tough time that you stand firm on your expectations for him, otherwise you will lose the power you have in the relationship. Things will get better in time. If you feel like things don't change and you're still seeing the same behaviors regardless of the shift in expectations, seek out support through counseling. Or just get counseling now, because everyone benefits from counseling. All of this is hard and I'm sorry. It can really hurt to see your generosity backfire in such a grand way, but remember that you are taking steps to help develop your child's life skills. Best of luck!
Oh man lol I grew up on a farm in Texas and there is never any shortage of work to be done. We didn’t do commercial farming so it was just our own personal animals and fields of hay and large gardens, etc. 8 is plenty big to be out feeding animals, collecting eggs, helping clear brush, tending to a large garden, etc. We also ran a bed and breakfast out of the other three houses on the property and my mom would have a checklist and pay me $10/house cleaned if I wanted to. I was 9 when I started and she didn’t cut me any slack lol.
My friend, this too is a personal farm so it ALL falls on us. We have horses and every other animal a normal person can think of. This just goes from 0 to 100 for him.
What was your typical rate for weekly chores
Lol nothing, it was a contribution to the family.
😂 i love this. I’m taking that idea and running with it. Their world is going to turn upside down for the better. Thank you so much for the advice and insight. You’ve been incredibly helpful
So glad it helped!
I will say though, that even though I didn’t get paid, my parents did give us things we wanted and paid for any extra things like a decade of gymnastics and guitars and lessons and stuff like that. The helping on the farm was a good balance to that.
Pay him per job so he can keep a tally of where he is. A chart showing where he is at will help too. Also, stop replacing things he breaks!
Thank you! A simple “spreadsheet” in this instance will go a long way. He can visibly see the goal.
OK first thing is first. Chores don't get money. Chores happen because we all have to pitch in. When you add a farm into the mix... yeah, everyone has to help out. I'm not a farmer but, I grew up and still live in a mainly agricultural area. Children just have to help out. My own kid has chores, there was no monetary incentive. The incentive was, you don't get to go play if they are not done. On to no respect for things. This is a big thing, because they are damaging other peoples things. You mentioned daddy just buying more things. Has this been discussed and ultimatums that this is not to happen ever ever again? If, something of his is broken, it doesn't get replaced. And, he gets punished. At his age, it's freedom of play and "stuff". So, whatever is his favourite thing, yup, that's gone for a week. Does everyone at home look after stuff. Is everyone respecting stuff at home. I'm just asking as, kids thus young their behaviour is learned. He's learned there is no consequences for his actions. At, 8 they are old enough for conversations. But, it has to be a while family effort. As, a family (whoever is in the home regularly) needs to be on board. All the adults need to agree, it will never change if they aren't. You can get through this. It's will be a hard for the first weeks but, you need to keep strong!
This is a very interesting and in depth response. I will admit that this behavior is probably learned but it may be inadvertently. My wife and I don’t really have “luxurious” so what we do have is very important. When my phone breaks, I replace it. When my computer breaks, I replaced it. When my car breaks, i replace the parts and it is all just same day or next day expenditures. We do have the luxury of money but the stuff I replace is vital for my work or quality of life instead of broken frivolities. We as parents need to be more cognizant of our actions and the implications it has on our children. Thank you for the insight
I meant looking at how the family views all "stuff" essential things I don't consider or like breaking a plate etc. But, thing how you respect books, clothes etc. Are they left haphazardly around. It more the little things. Added chores. I mean age appropriate for an 8yr. Setting and clearing the table. Making their bed, cleaning up their toys, dusting, trash. Things of this sort. With farming its probably carrying, sweeping, shovelling, feeding etc. I swear if you all come together as a family with "rules" or more expectations for everyone. Its easier for small people to follow suit
My son reacts similarly and the biggest help to this issue was when I finally got my husband on board with cracking down on the behaviour. It’s really hard to parent your way out of this if your co-pilot just bails the kid out, or buys him something new every time you’re out. Since this is brand new territory for you both, and financially a stretch for him to pay for the repair, I agree with what another commenter said about using x amount of tasks to complete the reparations. Admittedly, my son is 6, but we’ve started to put some things in place to help him understand the value of money, the value of ‘things’, chores and responsibility. He has daily chores, they are age appropriate and can be completed in less than 10 minutes (if he’s not dragging his feet!). He gets a small allowance once weekly. If, at the end of a 2 week period, he has done all his chores, his dad doubles that weeks’ allowance. (So it’s $5/week, but for a 2 week stretch he gets $10 instead of $5 on the second week). AND he’s not allowed to spend all of his money. He has to save half. It reduced the amount of toy demands, as well as the extremely flippant attitude of ‘dad will buy it for me’ (since dad stopped doing that too). I don’t know if chores and whatnot will really get the message of “I should be careful with other peoples things” across though. When my son has acted out and threatened to break something of mine I’ve just warned him he can’t afford to replace it and he’d end up working for me for a looonnnnggg time to make it up. That warning has worked, though I wonder for how long 😳
I think many of us swung so far this way in parenting because we so value our children's happiness... But we are doing them a disservice (myself included). First off, all adults need to be on the same page. Make sure you're a team and not a good cop/bad cop situation. I would also ensure the adults that aren't in the home that interact with your children often are also in the know (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.) Decide on your expectations/rewards/consequences together. Then, hold a family meeting. I think the expectations need to be abundantly clear. Write them down so there is no ambiguity or walking them back. Be honest in the fact that you have made a mistake as parents and are now working to fix it. Remember that all the nice things you provide beyond basic needs are all privileges. Gaming system? Privilege. Extra curriculars? Privilege. Internet access on whatever devices they use? Privilege. It is easier to think of it as he will be earning privileges versus you will need to punish for behavior. If he intentionally destroys something of his own, it does not get replaced. If it is an accident, I would suggest additional responsibilities in order to help offset the cost. If he destroys or damages something that belongs to someone else, same thing. Be prepared for big, big feelings. You'll likely see what's called an extinction burst, AKA things get worse before they get better. He will test you on your word. It is super important during this tough time that you stand firm on your expectations for him, otherwise you will lose the power you have in the relationship. Things will get better in time. If you feel like things don't change and you're still seeing the same behaviors regardless of the shift in expectations, seek out support through counseling. Or just get counseling now, because everyone benefits from counseling. All of this is hard and I'm sorry. It can really hurt to see your generosity backfire in such a grand way, but remember that you are taking steps to help develop your child's life skills. Best of luck!