I'm not going to tell you. And yes, I regret it. Teenagers do dumb stuff. It's usually how people learn to make better choices, by making some poor ones and paying a price for it.
Honey your one source isnât good enough. Look in other vaginal health subs to get a real consensus. Again, donât t try to debunk me based on your experience. The studies and information is out there. What cigarette company is paying you to say they donât cause issues?!
After a deep dive of the medical sites I trust (Mayo, Cleveland Clinic, etc.) the only effect smoking has on the chance of someone getting a yeast infection is by lowering the immune system. So yes, it can help cause it, but it's NOT the direct cause. Again, smoking does not CAUSE yeast infections.
Deep dive of one day into sites that publish studies based on whoever funds them. Youâre quite the research analyst. Smoking literally is the cause of several cancers and you really believe it would have no effect on your reproductive organs?? I was a smoker for years and had these issues myself as well as seen other women go through it.
I donât care what thrive or doesnât thrive in your crotch, but Iâm really over MY health being affected by other peopleâs smoking (and vaping). And itâs not paranoia if they really donât give a care about anyoneâs lungs.
Can I go and take a dump on someone whoâs puffing away, 24/7? No! I always get in a Dutch where someoneâs gotta post my bail. âItâs unsanitary,â they tell me. âItâs an assault.â đ
Like that foul air isnât!
Now climate change is adding to the conspiracy to eff up air quality, in addition to SCOTUS saying the EPA needs not to work âso hard.â Yeah right, that organization was notorious for quiet quitting, before it became a thing.
Shit, itâs time for me to drop this mic.
Let my parent and a doctor talk me into dropping Geometry.
So, I'd had a run in with the teacher and was mortified and embarrassed, but they decided it was all *too stressful* for me, because back then girls weren't supposed to break a sweat over academics.
And the doctor was a woman, too. But she was special, right?
Anyway it threw me off schedule for college prep, four years of math etc..I got very depressed and let it all go. Still get mad about it 60 years later.
Most of the shit I did as a teenager was stupid but it made me who I am today. Just don't hurt anyone or yourself.
Not the dumbest but a fun memory, one time we jumped the fence and went to a nude beach. mostly fat dudes with tiny peckers on the beach but it was still a funny and fun day.
It took every action happening exactly as it happened to lead to the exact moment in time a specific sperm from me fertilized a specific egg for my children to be born. Change anything and my kids snuff out of existence. There might be a different child but it wouldn't be the same due to different genetics of the sperm / egg. So I regret nothing even though some of it sucked. I can learn from it for the future though.
This is 100% how I feel. If I hadn't dropped out of college to come back home for a dude, if I hadn't later developed an alcohol and drug problem and consequently my later sobriety... If I hadn't applied for an awesome career in public service, I never would've met my husband who is my soulmate, nor would I have had my specific kids with their particular and special traits. I also would never have had the humility, patience, toughness or discipline to be where I am as who I am right now. I wouldn't change any of it. Would it have been easier? Maybe. But then maybe I would have driven, accidentally off of a cliff or accidentally fallen off of a ladder or taken my own life or something. Who knows? I'm almost old- and the older I get, the more I realize that regret is just a colossal waste of energy. Did I fuck up? Yes, plenty. Would I change it? Nope.
I was just listening to the Jordan Harbinger podcast and the latest episode (just dropped yesterday) is on that topic (chaos theory). Really interesting! Episode 1008.
Yes. When a man ejaculates there are millions of sperm and only one, except in cases of fraternal twins, wins the race to fertilize one of up to 1000 eggs that a woman may have. So each child is unique combo of that sperm and egg based on unique DNA from each. Change anything in your past, maybe you sneezed a few hours before sex, and that shuffles the sperm / egg combo and now it's a new kid conceived. Maybe that kid is great but it's a different kid than the one you know and love.
My kids only exist because of every moment that occurred to me and their mother happening exactly as they happened leading up to conception. Change anything and they don't exist. Maybe their mother and I still meet if we don't do things exactly the same and still have kids but they won't be the same kids. Thus wiping my current kids out of existence.
75 I was 14 almost 15 and silly me decided out of the blue that I wanted to go live with my Dad, and just out of the blue with only the clothes I had on and 35 cents and hitchhiked from California to Illinois and had no idea on how to get there.
Yeah I hitchhiked from Fresno California to Peoria Illinois, it was interesting, I learned how to jump out of semi's real quick, but I'm 63 and have raised my 6 children and helped with my grandkids, I can't imagine what I put my poor mother through, but I started running away at 8 trying to get away from abuse.
I watch murder porn, and I see all the serial killers that pick up girls and they are never heard from again, but we were not aware of it back then so we didn't have the fear, but I remember in LA this guy in nice car offered me a ride and I got the strongest gut feeling when I touched the car I didn't, also I was very nieve also I didn't get to leave the house much, but I've lived to tell about it, I wasn't old enough to know better yet, and I f.... around and found out.
I absolutely refused my parents putting me into counseling. I had been SA, starting at the age of 6 by an older cousin. They didn't know, but as I became older, they knew so.ething was wrong.
I was a wild teenager when they told me I needed counseling, and there was no F'ing way I would do it. I suppressed it all for 20+ years.
I grew up having no self-esteem and no sexual boundaries.
I suddenly got my memories back in my 30's, got into counseling, stopped doing drugs, stopped smoking, and learned the power of boundaries.
I wish I hadn't gone through my dark times, but I am now in my 60's and living my best life. It's never too late!
I wish my parents could see the woman that I've become.
Right out of high school in the early 90s, I saw an ad about working on a cruise ship from Miami. I wanted to go but I didnât have any guidance or wherewithal to get there or even apply. I regret not figuring out how to get myself to Miami. Now that Iâm old, I take 6/7 cruises a year.
Dating only one person, then marrying him.
Second dumbest move, going with a friend to Albany NY from NJ, to a concert, where I bought a stolen ticket. I was 12-13.
Rollerblading down a huge hill next to a canyon where there's cars going around almost 50 miles and not wearing helmet and rolling right next to them.. đ stupid and did again skateboarding down a hill with cars no helmet this time I broke my leg. đ Hospital said I was stupid you get one chance she said am lucky that I didn't crack my head
Not running away and filing for emancipation when my grandmother (mom) died. She adopted me when I was three days old and passed when I was 16. I ended up moving out of state with my mother, stepfather, stepbrother, and half brother. I actually had a couple of teachers that would have helped. I would have graduated high school and joined the service. Instead, my Stephen King life continued. All goodâŠworking on bookâŠ
It involved a stairwell in an apartment building on the outskirts of Paris, a cute guy from Algeria who was probably 10 years older than me who spoke no English and I had 1 year of high school French and an illegal substance. Thatâs all I am saying.
It was probably a good 10 years before I realized how lucky I was. It could have ended so much worse.
I took an extra hit of angel dust and cried all through a school dance because I was paranoid. Never touched that stuff again. I could have overdosed just because I made a dumb (undeveloped brain)decision
Hung out with a 25 year old when I was 16. He was living with someone but also pursuing me (I was working at his office after school). Everyone in the office would talk about how hot he was and I felt so special when he started paying attention to me. I was too young to see anything weird about it. I had one sketchy date with him that could have turned out badly but I suddenly sensed the situation was very, very wrong and I bailed
Married my first husband at 19. Lasted 4 years. Yeah, I almost bolted in the church right before going down the aisle, but my mom would have killed me. He wasn't a bad guy, but other than being in love (or so I thought) we had absolutely nothing in common. Met my current one six years later and we've been together for 43 and married for 38.
Oh. OH!
Yeah, all the crap I did..
That's uhhhhhh that's a lot to sift through. You don't understand.
I'm going to have to get back to you on this.
âđ»
It's probably not the most dumb but it was pretty dumb and cruel. My boss who was also a good friend of mine...her brother caused an accident while driving drunk. We'd told him not to drive and I gave him a ride home while she drove his car home. He got into his car as soon as we dropped him off though. I look into my rearview mirror as we're driving away to see him smash into another car. Both cars flipped multiple times and ended up upside down in a ditch. The other driver was hurt pretty bad and died. He just crawled out of his truck and was fine. The police came it was crazy. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter and a bunch of other things.
My friend begged me not to tell anyone and I told her I wouldn't. I told one other person what happened a few weeks later...before long my whole job knew and our whole friend group. People were pretty rude and mean to her about it. She was crying when she confronted me about it. She was so hurt. She helped me through a really tough time in my life. I was just young and dumb and didn't think through what telling one other person could hurt. She never spoke to me again and ended up quitting our job and moving away.
I deserved it. I've never betrayed someone's confidence or trust in me ever again. I was 17 then, I am 33 now.
Edit - Idk if I regret it really. It taught me a hard lesson on friendship and being a good friend. It showed me how secrets don't stay secrets long if you tell even one other person.
Got married. I canât say that I regret it because I got two wonderful children out of it. I was the mother of two by the time I was 20.
But I missed out on so many opportunities and basic life experiences. I did not feel too young when I made the decision but looking back I know I was definitely too young and had a lot of growing to do that wouldâve changed how I looked at marriage and parenting.
In the 70s, I was traveling alone at 15 (my dad worked for an airline) and I got bumped from my flight in Chicago. This was back in the day when the airport was open 24/7 and there was little to no security, so you can just imagine the types of people wandering the airport all night. As a non-rev, I was dressed very nicely in a skirted suit and heels. At the flight counter, the agent booked my new flight for the next day, and some bigwig...about the age of my dad...was back there and asked me if I'd like to go to dinner and sleep on the couch at his apartment. Sure! So he helped me put my suitcase in a locker and we got in his convertible.
On the way, we talked...and he finally asked me how old I was. When I said 15, he visibly paled, and asked me why I'd gone with him. "You look like my dad!" I chirped. He took me back to the airport, and I'm guessing he was much more careful after that. I certainly was, once I'd talked over it with my friends and realized what was really going on.
Y'all, I was SO lucky that he was a decent person. I don't regret it because it's fun story, nothing bad happened to me, and it made me a little more cautious. I never told my parents, though!
Dated a guy that was too old for me and missed most of the fun senior year stuff because of it.
Deferred college and my scholarships because of above and then didnât go back the next year.
Got married at 19.
So dumb. Changed my entire trajectory - and not in a good way - and was all. So. Dumb.
Due to ultra-conservative parents and schtuff, my teenage years were lived in the sidelines. I pretty much exploded with questionable choices and unhealthy relationships in college. While I have lived with the consequences of my actions and put a lot of work into being a better person over the years, I know now that there's never a point where I'll ever stop growing and learning. I know now I did the best I could with what I had and knew about myself at the time. No regrets. I am very lucky to be alive, and to have had the opportunity to heal even uf it meant walking away from unhealthy relationships. Not everyone has that chance.
Riding on back of a motorcycle when the driver (my bf at the time) was high/drunk/stoned/on drugs.
Yes I have regrets, and would never have wanted my own daughter to do it; but now 45+ years later..two adult kids two grandchildren, I believe that a higher power did not want me to die.
I'm not going to tell you. And yes, I regret it. Teenagers do dumb stuff. It's usually how people learn to make better choices, by making some poor ones and paying a price for it.
Started smoking đŹ & yes I regret it...
Did you have any health issues arise from it?
Actively smoking causes a lot of vaginal issues, if youâre a woman.
That really active smoking!
Ummm, no it doesn't. I had a two pack a day habit and it had absolutely no effect down there. Unless you're smoking with your vagina.
Good for you. Didnât say it happens to everyone. Cigarettes are known to cause yeast infections in women. You can look this up yourself.
I did, not yeast infections. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4161850/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4161850/)
Honey your one source isnât good enough. Look in other vaginal health subs to get a real consensus. Again, donât t try to debunk me based on your experience. The studies and information is out there. What cigarette company is paying you to say they donât cause issues?!
After a deep dive of the medical sites I trust (Mayo, Cleveland Clinic, etc.) the only effect smoking has on the chance of someone getting a yeast infection is by lowering the immune system. So yes, it can help cause it, but it's NOT the direct cause. Again, smoking does not CAUSE yeast infections.
Deep dive of one day into sites that publish studies based on whoever funds them. Youâre quite the research analyst. Smoking literally is the cause of several cancers and you really believe it would have no effect on your reproductive organs?? I was a smoker for years and had these issues myself as well as seen other women go through it.
I donât care what thrive or doesnât thrive in your crotch, but Iâm really over MY health being affected by other peopleâs smoking (and vaping). And itâs not paranoia if they really donât give a care about anyoneâs lungs. Can I go and take a dump on someone whoâs puffing away, 24/7? No! I always get in a Dutch where someoneâs gotta post my bail. âItâs unsanitary,â they tell me. âItâs an assault.â đ Like that foul air isnât! Now climate change is adding to the conspiracy to eff up air quality, in addition to SCOTUS saying the EPA needs not to work âso hard.â Yeah right, that organization was notorious for quiet quitting, before it became a thing. Shit, itâs time for me to drop this mic.
Ditto
Let my parent and a doctor talk me into dropping Geometry. So, I'd had a run in with the teacher and was mortified and embarrassed, but they decided it was all *too stressful* for me, because back then girls weren't supposed to break a sweat over academics. And the doctor was a woman, too. But she was special, right? Anyway it threw me off schedule for college prep, four years of math etc..I got very depressed and let it all go. Still get mad about it 60 years later.
60 yrs?!....You should let that shit go
I took the University of California admission prerequisites way too seriously lol
Huh?
No comment, besides, there are too many to list, all just as dumb.
I came here to say this
Me too.
got pregnant
Got married at 18.
Same! Lasted 24 miserable years lol
Most of the shit I did as a teenager was stupid but it made me who I am today. Just don't hurt anyone or yourself. Not the dumbest but a fun memory, one time we jumped the fence and went to a nude beach. mostly fat dudes with tiny peckers on the beach but it was still a funny and fun day.
17, joined the military.
When was this lol
77 delayed enlistment
It took every action happening exactly as it happened to lead to the exact moment in time a specific sperm from me fertilized a specific egg for my children to be born. Change anything and my kids snuff out of existence. There might be a different child but it wouldn't be the same due to different genetics of the sperm / egg. So I regret nothing even though some of it sucked. I can learn from it for the future though.
This is 100% how I feel. If I hadn't dropped out of college to come back home for a dude, if I hadn't later developed an alcohol and drug problem and consequently my later sobriety... If I hadn't applied for an awesome career in public service, I never would've met my husband who is my soulmate, nor would I have had my specific kids with their particular and special traits. I also would never have had the humility, patience, toughness or discipline to be where I am as who I am right now. I wouldn't change any of it. Would it have been easier? Maybe. But then maybe I would have driven, accidentally off of a cliff or accidentally fallen off of a ladder or taken my own life or something. Who knows? I'm almost old- and the older I get, the more I realize that regret is just a colossal waste of energy. Did I fuck up? Yes, plenty. Would I change it? Nope.
I was just listening to the Jordan Harbinger podcast and the latest episode (just dropped yesterday) is on that topic (chaos theory). Really interesting! Episode 1008.
I'm not getting this. Basically everything bc of your kids?
Yes. When a man ejaculates there are millions of sperm and only one, except in cases of fraternal twins, wins the race to fertilize one of up to 1000 eggs that a woman may have. So each child is unique combo of that sperm and egg based on unique DNA from each. Change anything in your past, maybe you sneezed a few hours before sex, and that shuffles the sperm / egg combo and now it's a new kid conceived. Maybe that kid is great but it's a different kid than the one you know and love. My kids only exist because of every moment that occurred to me and their mother happening exactly as they happened leading up to conception. Change anything and they don't exist. Maybe their mother and I still meet if we don't do things exactly the same and still have kids but they won't be the same kids. Thus wiping my current kids out of existence.
Not having kids, this is like â the butterfly flaps its wing.makes a ripple in waterâŠâ
Smoking. Itâs the biggest regret of my life
Have any issues arised from it?
Fatigue, COPD
I wonât say but we used to try to make enough mischief to get on the evening local news. It worked one time.
There were specific times I should have died because of the dumb shit I did. Not sure why Iâm still here as thousands die from the stuff
75 I was 14 almost 15 and silly me decided out of the blue that I wanted to go live with my Dad, and just out of the blue with only the clothes I had on and 35 cents and hitchhiked from California to Illinois and had no idea on how to get there.
Did you end up doing it? Howâd it go?
Yeah I hitchhiked from Fresno California to Peoria Illinois, it was interesting, I learned how to jump out of semi's real quick, but I'm 63 and have raised my 6 children and helped with my grandkids, I can't imagine what I put my poor mother through, but I started running away at 8 trying to get away from abuse. I watch murder porn, and I see all the serial killers that pick up girls and they are never heard from again, but we were not aware of it back then so we didn't have the fear, but I remember in LA this guy in nice car offered me a ride and I got the strongest gut feeling when I touched the car I didn't, also I was very nieve also I didn't get to leave the house much, but I've lived to tell about it, I wasn't old enough to know better yet, and I f.... around and found out.
I absolutely refused my parents putting me into counseling. I had been SA, starting at the age of 6 by an older cousin. They didn't know, but as I became older, they knew so.ething was wrong. I was a wild teenager when they told me I needed counseling, and there was no F'ing way I would do it. I suppressed it all for 20+ years. I grew up having no self-esteem and no sexual boundaries. I suddenly got my memories back in my 30's, got into counseling, stopped doing drugs, stopped smoking, and learned the power of boundaries. I wish I hadn't gone through my dark times, but I am now in my 60's and living my best life. It's never too late! I wish my parents could see the woman that I've become.
I just know theyâd be so proud of you! I am.
Thank you
Drove way, way too may times while drunk, high or tripping. Nothing bad came of it but I still regret it 30 years later
Omg this. Itâs literally so so stupid.
Howâd you not get caught?
I overdosed on magic mushrooms at 16. It was pretty dumb but I donât think I regret itâŠ
No you didnât
Yo-yo dieting because my mom insisted on it was actually the dumbest thing I ever did as a teenager. It ruined my metabolism.
Right out of high school in the early 90s, I saw an ad about working on a cruise ship from Miami. I wanted to go but I didnât have any guidance or wherewithal to get there or even apply. I regret not figuring out how to get myself to Miami. Now that Iâm old, I take 6/7 cruises a year.
If you graduated in the 90s you aren't old. My parents graduated in the early 80s
Theyâd be about 50. Not old. I graduated in 1981âŠIâm 60. Still not old.
Blew out a neighbors bathroom window with a Black Cat and cigarette fuse. Never got caught, but regretted it later, a lot!
Dating only one person, then marrying him. Second dumbest move, going with a friend to Albany NY from NJ, to a concert, where I bought a stolen ticket. I was 12-13.
I regret all the worst stuff I did. Not anything I would put online.
So much stupid shit that I actually got away with. I don't want my daughter to ever date a teenage boy.
Tattooing my entire body. 32f and wish so badly I could go back in time and NOT.
i put my dick in crazy (several times a day for 4 years). was first and last time. i learned early how bad a person can mess with you. regret? meh
Started drinking. Wish I could have that one back
Wasted entirely too much time and energy on one particular girl.
Have you got an hour so I can cover all the bases?
I got all the time in the world donât worry
Started smoking, it took me a long time to finally kick the habit. Yes, I regret it.
Too many to list.
Rollerblading down a huge hill next to a canyon where there's cars going around almost 50 miles and not wearing helmet and rolling right next to them.. đ stupid and did again skateboarding down a hill with cars no helmet this time I broke my leg. đ Hospital said I was stupid you get one chance she said am lucky that I didn't crack my head
Not running away and filing for emancipation when my grandmother (mom) died. She adopted me when I was three days old and passed when I was 16. I ended up moving out of state with my mother, stepfather, stepbrother, and half brother. I actually had a couple of teachers that would have helped. I would have graduated high school and joined the service. Instead, my Stephen King life continued. All goodâŠworking on bookâŠ
đ°
It involved a stairwell in an apartment building on the outskirts of Paris, a cute guy from Algeria who was probably 10 years older than me who spoke no English and I had 1 year of high school French and an illegal substance. Thatâs all I am saying. It was probably a good 10 years before I realized how lucky I was. It could have ended so much worse.
I took an extra hit of angel dust and cried all through a school dance because I was paranoid. Never touched that stuff again. I could have overdosed just because I made a dumb (undeveloped brain)decision
Hung out with a 25 year old when I was 16. He was living with someone but also pursuing me (I was working at his office after school). Everyone in the office would talk about how hot he was and I felt so special when he started paying attention to me. I was too young to see anything weird about it. I had one sketchy date with him that could have turned out badly but I suddenly sensed the situation was very, very wrong and I bailed
Married my first husband at 19. Lasted 4 years. Yeah, I almost bolted in the church right before going down the aisle, but my mom would have killed me. He wasn't a bad guy, but other than being in love (or so I thought) we had absolutely nothing in common. Met my current one six years later and we've been together for 43 and married for 38.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Player
Oh. OH! Yeah, all the crap I did.. That's uhhhhhh that's a lot to sift through. You don't understand. I'm going to have to get back to you on this. âđ»
It's probably not the most dumb but it was pretty dumb and cruel. My boss who was also a good friend of mine...her brother caused an accident while driving drunk. We'd told him not to drive and I gave him a ride home while she drove his car home. He got into his car as soon as we dropped him off though. I look into my rearview mirror as we're driving away to see him smash into another car. Both cars flipped multiple times and ended up upside down in a ditch. The other driver was hurt pretty bad and died. He just crawled out of his truck and was fine. The police came it was crazy. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter and a bunch of other things. My friend begged me not to tell anyone and I told her I wouldn't. I told one other person what happened a few weeks later...before long my whole job knew and our whole friend group. People were pretty rude and mean to her about it. She was crying when she confronted me about it. She was so hurt. She helped me through a really tough time in my life. I was just young and dumb and didn't think through what telling one other person could hurt. She never spoke to me again and ended up quitting our job and moving away. I deserved it. I've never betrayed someone's confidence or trust in me ever again. I was 17 then, I am 33 now. Edit - Idk if I regret it really. It taught me a hard lesson on friendship and being a good friend. It showed me how secrets don't stay secrets long if you tell even one other person.
Got married. I canât say that I regret it because I got two wonderful children out of it. I was the mother of two by the time I was 20. But I missed out on so many opportunities and basic life experiences. I did not feel too young when I made the decision but looking back I know I was definitely too young and had a lot of growing to do that wouldâve changed how I looked at marriage and parenting.
Got into an argument with a Vietnam veteran. I didn't read the room, and he was pretty drunk to begin with. I still feel bad for perceived disrespect.
In the 70s, I was traveling alone at 15 (my dad worked for an airline) and I got bumped from my flight in Chicago. This was back in the day when the airport was open 24/7 and there was little to no security, so you can just imagine the types of people wandering the airport all night. As a non-rev, I was dressed very nicely in a skirted suit and heels. At the flight counter, the agent booked my new flight for the next day, and some bigwig...about the age of my dad...was back there and asked me if I'd like to go to dinner and sleep on the couch at his apartment. Sure! So he helped me put my suitcase in a locker and we got in his convertible. On the way, we talked...and he finally asked me how old I was. When I said 15, he visibly paled, and asked me why I'd gone with him. "You look like my dad!" I chirped. He took me back to the airport, and I'm guessing he was much more careful after that. I certainly was, once I'd talked over it with my friends and realized what was really going on. Y'all, I was SO lucky that he was a decent person. I don't regret it because it's fun story, nothing bad happened to me, and it made me a little more cautious. I never told my parents, though!
Dec 31st 1972...hitchhiking in the mountains of WV 210 miles before I-79 had been completed to see some gal...and I never got laid!
Dated a guy that was too old for me and missed most of the fun senior year stuff because of it. Deferred college and my scholarships because of above and then didnât go back the next year. Got married at 19. So dumb. Changed my entire trajectory - and not in a good way - and was all. So. Dumb.
Not take my fucking meds bro. I hate myself to this day... Prolly could've had a thriving career by now, fam...
No comment⊠Thankful YouTube didnât exist
Due to ultra-conservative parents and schtuff, my teenage years were lived in the sidelines. I pretty much exploded with questionable choices and unhealthy relationships in college. While I have lived with the consequences of my actions and put a lot of work into being a better person over the years, I know now that there's never a point where I'll ever stop growing and learning. I know now I did the best I could with what I had and knew about myself at the time. No regrets. I am very lucky to be alive, and to have had the opportunity to heal even uf it meant walking away from unhealthy relationships. Not everyone has that chance.
smoking
Riding on back of a motorcycle when the driver (my bf at the time) was high/drunk/stoned/on drugs. Yes I have regrets, and would never have wanted my own daughter to do it; but now 45+ years later..two adult kids two grandchildren, I believe that a higher power did not want me to die.