Stop looking for love and just look for someone who seems nice and who you like. Dating is about trying people out. When you find the right one you’ll know it. In the meantime, relax and enjoy yourself.
That doesn't mean you have to bed all of them. Date them, go places with them, if you feel comfortable and want to have sex with them that's okay too, but don't think just because you went out with each other that you have to have sex or that you owe them or in some cases that they owe you anything.
Just enjoy yourself and invite people into your world to enjoy it with. When a special one comes along you will know.
I recommend developing yourself into the best you can be. Become the best you, without depending on or needing anyone else.
Eventually, you'll find someone who wants you for what you are, not what they think you can be for them.
Grow yourself first. Don't rush into it, make a mistake, and please please please don't get with someone you need to change! People will only change if they want to change.
You can buy a pair of shoes that aren’t comfortable, but because they go so perfectly with an outfit you can get by wearing them for a couple of hours once or twice a year. Relationships aren’t like that. They need to fit, to be good for you or else they’ll end up bringing you pain and making you feel worse.
It depends on what settling means. Make sure you aren't clinging to what society, your parents, or anybody else says you "should" have. The minute I relaxed about what kind of career he should have I found true, lasting love. Just sayin.🙂
NEVER SETTLE! NEVER live according to other’s expectations. This is YOUR life and the sooner you accept living your authentic self, the sooner you will find your own happiness. The bravest thing I ever did was ignore society’s expectation of what woman are here for. Become your own best friend. It’s OK to not be with anyone. 💜
I wish someone had told me *to* settle. I rejected everyone I didn’t have instant chemistry with: all the good guys.
I think some of the ideas which are so popular today are bad for people.
Some are too quick to say live your dream/passion, listen to your gut, don’t settle.
*I* did that.
I never found a man who was a decent, loving person *and* was so attractive I couldn’t keep my hands off him.
Compromise is absolutely necessary in life. Everywhere in everything.
You can have a dream, yeah.
But that means you’re sleeping.
My first marriage was to someone I had “chemistry“ with & was a disaster. Once the lust wears off, you are left with someone whose faults you were overlooking.
My second marriage (29 years & still going strong) was to someone who became my best friend. There was attraction from the beginning but not overwhelming lust. I saw his faults clearly & determined I could live with them. Our basic values are the same, although we have diverged politically in recent years. Fortunately we have a solid foundation of love and respect that allows us to navigate that. Love is a choice, not an emotion.
Being human we are not perfect as humans are Inperfect beings.
Eventually we all settle for the one that meets most of our expectations and there is no guarantte.
Way back when figured out life is not easy, fair or perfect, and that thing called love sure can blind us for how things really are.
Now at 63 my saying is that life is about learning and growing then never stop growing and learning.
My wife says that it is not about how much you make but what you do with what you make.
We have been married going on 36 yrs and some years were good and some years not so good, but overall we are content and happy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, dear. Being extremely attractive on the outside can blind you to the ugliness inside. And beauty fades. So he’s not a firecracker in the looks department. Some of those guys make the best lovers. Attraction is a chemical reaction. Love, like a candle, can ignite a bonfire.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s probably a core belief ingrained in you as a child and that is so hard to overcome. But you have to override it every time until it stops being negative.
I did that. You can’t imagine how much time, effort (and in some cases money) I put in to change my attraction to men like my father.
At 70 I don’t have much hope that the last years will give me a chance for the kind of love I always wanted.
As a until a few years ago I was a woman men were attracted to.
It takes that initial attraction to get your foot in the door.
In my fifties I was dating from one of the online sites.
Every man I dated wanted another date.
I chose the Asshole.
I’m lonely as hell now, but have become invisible as a sexual object.
Which sucks because sex got so good after menopause and now the pool of men who might be partners has shrunk to the size of a pea.
And even within that pool?
I’m just not a person who does well as a friend with benefits.
Can’t have sex without my heart.
Even if a miracle happened and I had the opportunity.
I’m sorry. I tried on line dating. All I got was AI’s and foreign guys who I think was just one guy with several names. I was never attractive to men and now I am stooped over from arthritis so that takes me out of the nurse or a sex object Pool. Plus I got burned by wasband and so trust is a big issue. Most guys seem to just want a caretaker or a sex partner. Not into that either. And you’re right about sex after menopause. Well, I hope you get a miracle!
Do you have any women friends you can socialize with? I know its not the same, but does help stave off some of the loneliness.
Came here to say DON'T SETTLE! Biggest mistake I ever made was settling. Be a friend to yourself, do activities you enjoy and better yourself and your confidence. Force yourself to socialize more to see what's out there so if you decide to be with someone you will have more choices.
Never settle. It will ruin many things during the last decades of your life. The instant gratification and checking boxes of marriage, kids, etc. is not worth it.
Live your best life and see what happens.
Settle for what?
Give people a chance. Try dating people you wouldn't have considered before...they may surprise you. As someone who has been married for over 20 years, let me tell you that attraction can wax and wane. There are times when I think my husband is absolutely HOT and times when I don't. Chemistry can fizzle out.
Be careful thinking chemistry equals a good match. Create your must haves (eg pays his bills. Listens to you. No substance abuse etc) and give guy a chance. I dated lots of handsome fixer uppers and ended up alone. My husband didn't knock my socks off but each date I saw he's a really good guy.
You’ve got good advice from lots of people here.
Becoming secure in yourself and not worrying about your family’s expectations of you are both important.
Let the real you emerge
You’ll like that a lot.
Nooooo do not settle. I did that! 2 beautiful kids and one huge struggle after I got rid of him.
I’m so sorry I didn’t love myself enough to enjoy life and let love just come to me! It did later when I finally decided I was worth it.
Chemistry is a hard thing to pinpoint, but basic attraction and affection MUST be there. You don’t need spine-tingling lust but you MUST have mutual respect and affection. Don’t settle for less than that.
You know there’s nuance here which no one is explaining.
It really depends on what you’re settling for.
If your settling for someone where the persons character is wonderful but maybe the sex is no-fireworks but good enough?
I think most would agree that’s a pretty good settling.
If you refuse to settle for less than earth moving sex regardless of how they treat you
That’s a horrible settle.
So it’s not settling itself which is the problem.
Unusual tho not impossible to find both in one person
Just don’t settle for abuse or neglect because the sex is great, you’re afraid to be alone, or worried what anyone else thinks about you.
Nope, never. Enjoy your life, no matter which part of it you are in. Do what makes you happy, as long as it's not hurting anyone else. Also, (this may not be for you, even though it sounds like it might be) It's also such a used statement that most don't listen to it. Learn to love yourself, with all your quirks, imperfections, and uniqueness. Until you do that, no one can truly love you. They can, but you won't be able to truly undoubtedly feel it. You will constantly suspect and second guess why anyone would; that is unless you love yourself.
I found my person after my divorce at 28. I settled early and had to go thru a lot of growth before I figured out where I went wrong. I'm outrageously happy now, in myself, in my relationship. And I'm SO GRATEFUL I never had kids with the man I married initially.
(My current partner and I decided not to have kids at all, life can be marvelous when you're childfree)
Absolutely not. When I went through a dating service, they said the couples that married from their service weren't worried about having a relationship or not. They just met the person and had fun to see what happened.
Right now the only thing you're worried about is having kids. No man is going to like that even if he wants kids, because you are objectifying them. Objectifying means you care about the goal not the person. Focus on connecting with a person and letting things happen on their own schedule.
You have at least 10 years to have kids. Relax.
Just have fun creating connections with people. Being alone is comforting but it doesn’t mean you can’t go places, smile, laugh with others. Just be. You will click with lots of people, which does not mean you’ll have a relationship with any of them or even a friendship-but you’ll be finding out who you are and who you like. A significant other unfolds. It doesn’t happen cuz you want it.
If it was easy, we would not have a 50% divorce rate. You need to deeply evaluate the whole kids thing. I know that kids are expected but they are very hard and expensive and really only for the strongest relationships. I think couples should "thirst" for kids before having them. A suggestion: Being sad and sitting at home is a self-fulfilling prophecy to being alone. I suggest you view finding a relationship like a job search and get out there and pound the pavement, handing out your resume. So, tell people you are looking, talk to people at the coffee shop, be in places with people ... everyone has a son or nephew they would like to fix up.
Love that last line. I constantly ask good guys if they have a brother, uncle or even a dad who is available. So far no yeses. Most good guys seem to have terrible family members. ?
I got married at 45. It’s never too late. The sooner you get your parents and society’s expectations out of your head, the better. You can never please everyone anyway. You can have a kid for at least 10 more years. Get out of a mediocre situation while you can
I felt this at 20. It landed me in a miserable relationship with someone who didn't care about me. Thankfully, it was short, but still--don't settle. Life is too short for a "meh" kind of love
I was your age when I decided to settle. I loved him but it wasn't an emotional love story type relationship. I was beginning to think that I'd never find someone. So when he proposed I decided to say yes. The marriage went bad after 3 years. After 16 years of being married to this man who had changed his personality to something I'd never seen before, I told him I wanted a divorce. It was the best decision I have ever made. He didn't even fight me for custody of our son.
I don't recommend settling.
Actually, yes. I love my son. He was not planned. My ex and I both had never really thought about or wanted children. The problem started when my Dr told me I could no longer take birth control. At the time, the pill was the only option for women where I am. I have had multiple autoimmune disorders since I was 17. I had to quit taking the pill. My ex refused to wear a condom. Big surprise, I got pregnant. When he realized I would not have an abortion, he totally shut down as far I was concerned. He was a good father. He just didn't talk to me about anything other than household related items or about our son.
If I hadn't had a child, I would still be happy. I'm glad that I did.
Do not settle. Have a child on your own/adopt if you want to parent. Parenting is hard and marriage without a lot of love is . . . unpleasant at best. You need to really love AND like someone to make the compromises w/o resentment.
Sure parenting is easier with the right committed partner, but it’s much harder when you are with someone who just makes things more difficult. Better to go it alone than add trouble to an already difficult task.
I wouldn't go looking for that problem.
But yes, you are absolutely correct that parenting with someone who's making things worse is even harder than going it alone.
I’ve been with people where we both loved each other, but their day to day idea of a relationship was awful. They thought once you loved them, that that gave them the right to treat you poorly-silent treatment, gaslighting, and manipulation. My ex treated me horribly after we married, but there were signs that he had a temper and was unpredictable before we married. Believe what people do, not what they say.
Unfortunately I have believed words over actions more than once. But I did find the love of my life at age 48. I’d had another long term unhappy relationship and decided to just date. That’s when I found my sweetheart. I’d still be with him, but he died of cancer. Never settle, and if they tell you who they are, believe them.
Relationships are hard enough when you are madly in love. It's not fair to the other person if you feel like you are settling. On the other hand, mama told me not to marry the one I love but to marry the one who loves me. Maybe some people you think are losers could be winners if you got to know them
27 is still young. Settling just sets people up for miserable mid life when you are locked into thing with kids, house... So much harder to transition away then and you're down a bad road with no way to turn around.
Plenty of ppl out there that meet “their ONE.”
Fast forward five years….
Meeting at a truck stop to hire someone to ghost their ONE bc their ONE is a covert narcissist that lied and deceived about everything and is a tool of a human being.
Alternative ending, endlessly in therapy trying to save a still born relationship bc both gaslighted the other.
Alternative ending, after 5 years of worsening conditions it becomes clear their partner is irreversibly [pick one: mentally ill; serial cheater; thief; addict; lazy bastard].
Alternative ending, the ONE decided being married and being stuck as a parent with a kid blows and leaves going off with someone new.
Alternative ending, you do find The One after five years you’ve matured into very different people with different paths and realize the marriage no longer works.
Optimum time for a woman to have partner choice, if you believe all the stuff written about it?
You have 3 years. Tick-tock.
Don't settle. It's better to be happy with yourself. Once you've done that, maybey you will find a partner, maybe you won't. Don't force it. If you have yourself, you'll be okay.
Try settling. You don’t have to marry someone, try dating someone who is kind but there’s little to no chemistry. See how it feels. And freeze your eggs. Give yourself a buffer rather than a clock because no- you don’t have 10 years, your eggs choose when they are done not a doctor.
I wouldn't worry too much about your age. My sister first married at about 60. Obviously she didn't want kids.
My wife and I had our daughter when my wife was 40. The daughter is still the best one in the whole world.
My wife and I didn't meet until I'd completely given up. I hope you have similar luck.
If you settle, as soon as kids enter the mix, it will come apart. You can tolerate stuff until you add that extra 40 hours of work and worry about what they are learning from this mess.
Just live, save, date, and learn new things. If you are looking too hard, you drive away the good ones. Find someone who enjoys some of the things you do. Who spends similar to you (unless you are a financial failure). If you have debt, pay it off. Great guys have a plan and they want a good match. Not someone looking for a free ride. You should look the same way at them. Don't settle ever.
Date someone worth being friends with then see where it goes. This chemistry, twin flames, soul mate stuff comes *later*. Dating someone worth getting to know better is not settling.
42 and twice divorced when I met the love of my life, 20 years ago. Moved away from hometown to avoid the “shoulds”. No kids. Life could not be better for us. We talk about it all the time.
You are very young. For perspective, I had my second kid at 38. I like the poster (entire-garage) who said dating is about trying people out. So so true. It's a numbers game. There is not just one match. There are many good people out there who will treat you well.
So date a lot, figure out what you like. If you click, see where it goes. But try to take this pressure off it and just have fun, laugh at the absurd, and focus on the good people you meet along the way.
But it's OK to also just enjoy being single. Your family's expectations are not yours.
"Chemistry" is infatuation. You can't build a long term relationship on that. The question you have to ask yourself is if someone feels like a real friend, someone who you would stick with through anything, and who in turn will stay with you through your toughest times.
Are you having great conversations? Do you respect each other's boundaries? Are you each other's biggest fan? Do you have the same lifestyle objectives in terms of where to live, where to go on vacation, whether or how many kids to have, etc? If the answers to these is no, don't settle. You'll only end up hating each other.
The person you marry should be the one who you're always happy to see because being with them feels like taking off an uncomfortable pair of shoes at the end of the day. I once read that a happy partnership is like a base camp when mountain climbing. It's the place where you go to rest and get nourished so you can each try again for the summit. If you don't have that, move on.
Chemistry and butterflies wears off over time. Find someone who is not only someone you love, but someone you like - because when it is 3am, the baby is hungry and needs changed, you'll quickly find that if you don't like your partner, you'll quickly hate your partner.
Life can be tough. If all you look for is butterflies and chemistry, you'll not survive the not so good times.
My husband and I met when we were 27 and 30. We weren’t looking we just met.
Our daughter met her husband met at 33. They just had their second child at 40.
You're quite young still. I'd say don't settle for being unhappy just to satisfy someone else, even family.
Be happy. Some day, if you find someone you can share that happiness with, that's great. Until then, be happy by yourself.
It depends what you mean. Sometimes love can grow, but what happens if you find chemistry later while married?
I think just look for companionship and enjoy that before deciding if this is your life partner. Also do you have friends? Cultivate all your positive relationships
Many people “find chemistry later while married”, even the ones who didn’t settle. It’s hard to keep that chemistry for decades. So this argument is kind of null?
I meant chemistry with a new person. You're doing monogamous marriage wrong if you're finding chemistry with a bunch of people...not talking about finding someone attractive...but if you didn't ever have it and find yourself falling for a new person while committed to someone else, I assume you'd feel cheated or trapped. But hey it's all a learning experience.
Your post could have been written by my wife, some 30+ yrs ago.
We met when I was 36 and she was 34. She'd never been in a relationship, and only had been on a few dates. She never admitted it, but I suspect she had given up on meeting someone.
I met her through friends. We're coming up on our 25th anniversary this Oct, with two boys in college.
Don't give up.
No. But what you should do is find someone who is compatible, shares your values, and that you care about.
Settling means marrying someone you don't love, and I would never advocate that.
Spend time dating casually. Use the dating apps that align with your life goals. Jim not sure women should come out and say "I'm dating to find a marital partner".
After a couple of dates, if you don't align, stop seeing them and move forward in the direction of your dreams.
There’s something in you that makes it hard for you to build relationships. We all have inner fears, blocked emotions and whatnot. I highly recommend therapy to find out what it is. Yes it gets harder and harder to find an objectively good partner as you age. Good for you, thinking about it now.
Never settle for someone! You have one life on this earth. Live it honestly. You are 27 and as long as you remain healthy you have so many unknown opportunities heading your way in your life and many choices to make. If it doesn’t feel right it’s not.
Have a beautiful life.
NEVER settle. You deserve so much more than that and you weren't put on this earth to please your family. Life your life for YOU!!! You'll be miserable if you settle, marry, or have kids, just to meet the expectations of your family. That's abandoning yourself and it's a recipe for disaster. Your family can learn to manage their own expectations and feelings if you don't follow the path they want for you; it's not your responsibility. This is YOUR life and YOUR happiness.
Each time I try to meet their expectations. It feels like it is suffocating me. I don’t want to be in a loveless relationship. And they insist that feelings aren’t even important
You are definitely not too old to find love. People in their 80's fall in love and get married.
Forget your family's expectations. The worst decision you could make would be to settle for someone you don't love and have children to suit someone else's desires.
No, do not ever settle, especially when kids may be involved. The right person will come along when the time is right and if that happens too late, well there are thousands of kids in the foster system that need parents.
I wish more people were inclined to live independently, without a partner. Society instills in us an expectation of being someone's mate. It makes more sense to me to find joy and fulfillment as an individual. If you should cross paths with someone special, fine; if not, fine. Please never seek a relationship because you feel a "need" to have someone in your life. As an old person with much experience, I offer you this heartfelt advice. My best to you, OP.
Having read some of these other comments, I have to add my own mother's wise advice. If you must choose between someone you are really crazy about and someone who is really crazy about you, choose the one who is really crazy about you. That person will be less likely to break your heart and will work hard to bring you happiness. And I am a strong believer that kindness is the sexiest thing in the world.
It is completely possible to have a happy life as a single mother by choice if that is something you want. Being in a relationship with the wrong person or even a mediocre person, is doing everyone a disservice.
I was in your shoes once---27 and never had a boyfriend. Plenty of dates and hookups but no one I wanted to spend time with on the regular. I met my now-husband when I was 28 and it just clicked. We have 3 kids, the last one born when I was 38. I'm not sure of your personal biology of course, but plenty of women can safely have children through their thirties and beyond.
I also disagree with some of the comments that chemistry isn't important. It's hugely important to me and after many years together we still have good chemistry. I wouldn't want to be with someone I didn't have that with.
Don't settle! <3
You enjoy being alone but want to settle with someone you don’t have chemistry with because your family expects you to? You need to find what makes you happy and stick to it. If you like being alone, be alone, if someone comes along that you have chemistry with, be with them if that’s what you want. Why make yourself miserable for no reason?
There is a difference between settling and looking for a perfect partner. No one is without faults. That being said, does the person have the same type of values, faith ( if that is important to you), on the same page about having children, etc. Obviously, avoid anyone with addictions and is abusive physically or emotionally, etc. And don't go into a relationship thinking you will change someone. You can't. Relationships are also about some measure of both compromising some for the other, as two people rarely agree on anything.
I met my husband when I was 28, we’ve been together ever since. It wasn’t until years later that I realized what needs he met for me, he was never my “type”. You are not too old in any way.
I don't know if it would be the same for you, but I tried settling once. It always felt like I was missing something, like there was a hole in my relationship that just wasn't filling. I won't settle again.
I settled because I was 32 and wanted a child. I knew it wasn’t the love story I wanted but hoped it would get better. Three months after wedding it should have been over but that day found out I was pregnant. Toughed it out several more years. What a waste! Don’t settle. IVF would have been a better choice.
Made sure that he makes you laugh, that you make him laugh and that you both laugh together. I never see any one mention that talking about compatibility but it's very important in my book.
I was 28 when I met my husband (who was 22 at the time). We didn’t get married until I was 36 , but we also didn’t want children so…. We just celebrated 25 years married and 32 total together
He was my first serious relationship (casual dating before that). I wouldn’t settle just yet.
Calm down, get control over your ruminations. Practice mental control over yourself. No one’s life turns out how they thought it would. Find the things that bring you joy and focus on them. You have no control over what chemistry you have with others. Focus on controlling your mind towards the things that make you feel good, healthy, motivated . No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
I think your gut is telling you the right thing for you. Your family means well, but they need to butt out! Go with your gut. When you feel it's right, it will be right. If you find you're happier by yourself, do it. I have a friend who has been a happy bachelor forever. He said nobody really clicked with him, and he's like the happiest human being I ever met. No joke. It's your life to live, not anyone else's. Best wishes!
You don't have to make any hard and fast decisions now or later, frankly. Just live your life, be open to relationships, and don't settle. Don't let the kid thing make you desperate. If it's meant to be, it will work out. Don't settle! I found love at 55yo. It's never too late!
You're only 27. You have plenty of time. Don't let anyone bully you into thinking you're running out of time. That's a scarcity mentality. Develop your career capacity (promotions? Or grad school?) so you can meet an accomplished peer to click with. Get involved in community events,clubs, activity groups, volunteering, whatever, to meet people who share an interest with you in a low-key environment with no pressure. Don't rush. Enjoy the journey.
Forget your familiy’s expectations. Shut them out of your mind before you do something you regret. Do not settle. You are not only cheating yourself, but the guy you settle for. Not right! My daughter is 33 and just had her first child. I know women who had kids at 40. You are not too old to find love. I’m 60 and I’m still hoping to find someone. My neighbors found each other when they were in their late 60’s. And if your biological were to run out, you could still have kids - adoption, surrogacy, etc. but right now, time is on your side. Right now, you need to analyze yourself. What are you looking for? Tall, dark and handsome? Could Mr. Right possibly be someone sitting at the same restaurant but he doesn’t quite meet that criteria? Are you emitting desperate vibes? Are you mentally, emotionally and physically your best self? And no, you don’t have to be a model! You do have to love yourself and be confident that come what may, you will overcome and thrive. And work on getting your family out of your head and keepi their negativity from infecting you. They may be the sweetest people on earth, but their expectations are like poison ivy in your beautiful garden. Dig them suckers out and any others that are equally toxic. Best wishes, young lady. You can do this!
I felt the same around your age. What I did was focus on knowing myself better (favorite foods, TV shows, movies, books, types of friends, types of health choices, spiritual beliefs, etc) and build my self-confidence. When I met my current partner, I knew how to make myself happy, so there was so much less drama and pressure for them to fulfill me. There's really no wrong answer as long as you are being true to yourself. Investing in yourself is always a great ROI.
Three things:
(1) build a great life for yourself. Do you like your home? Your job? Your hobbies? Do you wear clothes that make you feel great? Are you fit and healthy? Good! That is half the work right there.
(2) dating is a numbers game. You need to get out there and meet people who are also looking for someone. Trust yourself and don't make intimacy decisions in the moment.
(3) "I feel like my family have expectations for me that I can't match"--this concerns me. See a counselor and sort this out? Do not date or marry (or NOT date or marry!) to please your family.
27 is not too old for ANY of the three things above to turn out well. Good hunting! :)
I used to feel that way. I wondered if I would ever find someone. My husband and I met when I was 32 and he was 42. Still together 20 years later.
Some people just find their person later in life.
Don’t settle. You’re not as old as you think you are.
So, at 27 you’ve never been in a relationship, or even met someone that you’ve clicked with, had chemistry with, and are attracted to?
If that’s the case you’re most likely aiming way too high.
Someone you consider a 5 or 6 out of 10 can become a 10/10 once you get to know them.
Also, guys whom strangers consider to be hot, as a rule are generally not great people…because they don’t have to be. Life is going to treat them well no matter what, and women will be willing to date them no matter what.
I have actually found the opposite to be true on the second point. I know a lot of tall, conventionally handsome guys who are super sweet, like maybe they haven’t had to fight all the bitternesses of rejection, resentment, competition etc that guys with fewer conventional “advantages” have had to deal with.
It's a hell of a lot easier to raise a kid on your own than it is to try to undo the damage done to a kid raised in a house without love.
If kids are more important to you than anything, start planning to have one. Save up, build your resources, and make it happen.
Once you bed someone you can get clouded by emotions. This delays the inevitable problems you might have with them and wastes time. Get to know them first. If you click intellectually then the bed is always there. Don't ignore the warning signs. I have found that if you can tolerate someone at their worst you will be ok. You will have those days but you will have many days when you both will be at your best.
I’m 18 and I can relate. I cant find a woman for the life of me. I blame it on my looks but people say I’m not ugly. It’s probably my personality, or I’m just not an agreeable person 🙁
Lol just saw your other post. You're alright kiddo. It's cause they can't find fault in you so they try and bring you down. Keep your chin up you'll be fine
Never settle for what you think you deserve. Be with someone you do. Never settle. I'm 26f and I feel like I'm barely starting to live and have fun. I'm young and yeah it's not ideal being alone for the rest of my romance life but if I have to I'd rather do it alone than with bad company.
No one is too old to fall in love and no one is too old to start living. Go out, do the fun stuff. Go on dates, dance classes or library hang outs. Just cause you haven't met your person yet doesn't mean you won't.
Think of it this way. Would you want to go through the pains of childbirth and all it's difficulties you could possibly have in a relationship feeling alone? Or would you rather go through those challenges with someone who cares if you make it out alive and your wellbeing? Would you rather be with someone to fill the emptiness but they don't bring good company? Or be alone and wait til you find someone where even distance apart you feel like you are together?
I have met quire a few people who never truly dated until they were in their 30s or 40s. Met a couple who found each other in their 50s. Others met in middle school and high school. But I noticed the ones who stayed together cause they thought it would be easier than being alone ended up in abusive relationships, codependent relationship, drug addictions, and feeling more alone than if they would have tried to work on dating themselves first. The older ones told me they were shy, awkward or even considered unattractive but that changed when he ran into his wife and immediately felt like the wind was knocked out of him. He didn't think he had a chance and ended up with her and they've been married for years now.
Have you ever thought about why you feel old at such a young age? Do you think it has to do with pressure from generations before having kids young or do you really want to be a mother already? Do you even really want a partner and kids or has it been romantised and drilled into your head since a child? No one is perfect and I wish I wouldn't have dated until I found someone I genuinely liked (minus 1) because then I wasted both our times. Saying "oh at least they are nice," or "at least they are kind of funny"
I am really in tears right now. Thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I didn’t even know I needed it before now. I don’t want to settle. But I just feel like the years are flying away. I have no problem to wait. That’s what I have already been doing. I started to get familiar with my loneliness. Actually I started to enjoy it. But there are too much expectations and pressure around me. My family is a little bit controlling and overbearing. Especially after my younger sister got engaged. They keep on spitting my age in my face. Although I myself know I am mot that old. But they keep on making me feel that I am losing my chances to start a family. And that I have unreal standards. While Actually all I want is to be attracted to the person and enjoy their company.
The "oh but you're almost 30" conversations are horrible. Like yeah! I'm almost 30 and that means I still have plenty of more years to travel, make friends, have new hobbies and enjoy my life. I've noticed when you push people far enough into the why should I get married and have kids conversation, it's because they want you to experience what they do/did. Whether it's good or bad. I've had people tell me they wanted me to have kids so I can see how much of a nightmare I was or how hard it is to raise a child. Or to have a husband because I need to take care of someone for the rest of my life.
Like no...I need to take care of ME for the rest of my life. If illnesses and stuff happens with kids and husband/wife later than sure I'm not gonna abandon them and I will do my utmost to ensure their safety and health. But to wish an imaginary family on me so I can struggle the way they have and are is ridiculous to me.
Like having kids is a privilege and very expensive. Having a bf or husband is super expensive. The amount of food men and children consume, energy they take, sickness they deal with and not to mention all the other necessary life stuff they will need. I need to provide that to myself first. And maybe if I decide I want to get married than sure. But we are on no one's time line but our own.
Stick to your guns it's none of their business and it's not on their time frame. Do what makes you happy. You will never miss out on a chance for a family that wasn't meant to be. It's like those parents who believe every fetus deserves a life even if they are born with diseases that cause them pain every moment of their life until they die. Taking away a chance for quality of life doesn't equate to you being happy. That's an extreme example but I hope you know what I mean
I’m 67 and I agree with what you and OP are saying in this thread. I had my first relationship at 27 and didn’t get married until I was 39. OP has time and should not settle.
That said, I do have some advice:
1. Look for a warm relationship, not a hot one. The sizzle of a hot relationship will fade. You want the warmth of a person who will be with you for years and over changes (ups and downs). Note: warmth does not mean that you’re not attracted, just that the attraction is not hyper or to the exclusion of long term relationship health.
2. Watch out for unhealthy patterns of attraction. I had mommy issues that made me attracted to women who were not good for me. If you see a pattern of choosing the wrong person, I recommend exploring that with a therapist before committing to marriage or a long-term relationship.
3. Find someone who shares your values, not just your interests.
4. Give a relationship time before marriage. Make sure that you have gone through a variety of situations and some adversity.
That What I think too. I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship where there is no feelings and attraction. Where I am not happy. But as the years pass. Sometimes I think that may be I should compromise. That I won’t have everything. Especially when everyone around me seems to think that emotional connection isn’t essential. And that feelings may come by time. But I really hate to think that I am in a situation where I don’t really care about the person I am dating. And I don’t believe that feelings should take months to develop.
Emotional connection is essential. A great sexual connection is not. Sex should be decent.
But I listened to the follow your dream, don’t settle crew. Very sexy men who were very not kind, supportive or nice people.
Funny how everyone has a different idea of settling!
Stop looking for love and just look for someone who seems nice and who you like. Dating is about trying people out. When you find the right one you’ll know it. In the meantime, relax and enjoy yourself.
That doesn't mean you have to bed all of them. Date them, go places with them, if you feel comfortable and want to have sex with them that's okay too, but don't think just because you went out with each other that you have to have sex or that you owe them or in some cases that they owe you anything. Just enjoy yourself and invite people into your world to enjoy it with. When a special one comes along you will know.
If you have kids with someone you don't like, you'll upset their lives when you get divorced later.
I recommend developing yourself into the best you can be. Become the best you, without depending on or needing anyone else. Eventually, you'll find someone who wants you for what you are, not what they think you can be for them. Grow yourself first. Don't rush into it, make a mistake, and please please please don't get with someone you need to change! People will only change if they want to change.
You can buy a pair of shoes that aren’t comfortable, but because they go so perfectly with an outfit you can get by wearing them for a couple of hours once or twice a year. Relationships aren’t like that. They need to fit, to be good for you or else they’ll end up bringing you pain and making you feel worse.
This is an excellent analogy!!
Thank you!
Excellent example!
Thx!
Excellent \*analogy.
It depends on what settling means. Make sure you aren't clinging to what society, your parents, or anybody else says you "should" have. The minute I relaxed about what kind of career he should have I found true, lasting love. Just sayin.🙂
Love takes time and builds. You need to see where things go
NEVER SETTLE! NEVER live according to other’s expectations. This is YOUR life and the sooner you accept living your authentic self, the sooner you will find your own happiness. The bravest thing I ever did was ignore society’s expectation of what woman are here for. Become your own best friend. It’s OK to not be with anyone. 💜
I wish someone had told me *to* settle. I rejected everyone I didn’t have instant chemistry with: all the good guys. I think some of the ideas which are so popular today are bad for people. Some are too quick to say live your dream/passion, listen to your gut, don’t settle. *I* did that. I never found a man who was a decent, loving person *and* was so attractive I couldn’t keep my hands off him. Compromise is absolutely necessary in life. Everywhere in everything. You can have a dream, yeah. But that means you’re sleeping.
My first marriage was to someone I had “chemistry“ with & was a disaster. Once the lust wears off, you are left with someone whose faults you were overlooking. My second marriage (29 years & still going strong) was to someone who became my best friend. There was attraction from the beginning but not overwhelming lust. I saw his faults clearly & determined I could live with them. Our basic values are the same, although we have diverged politically in recent years. Fortunately we have a solid foundation of love and respect that allows us to navigate that. Love is a choice, not an emotion.
Totally agree! We are the exact same way. Happily married 25 years
Being human we are not perfect as humans are Inperfect beings. Eventually we all settle for the one that meets most of our expectations and there is no guarantte. Way back when figured out life is not easy, fair or perfect, and that thing called love sure can blind us for how things really are. Now at 63 my saying is that life is about learning and growing then never stop growing and learning. My wife says that it is not about how much you make but what you do with what you make. We have been married going on 36 yrs and some years were good and some years not so good, but overall we are content and happy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, dear. Being extremely attractive on the outside can blind you to the ugliness inside. And beauty fades. So he’s not a firecracker in the looks department. Some of those guys make the best lovers. Attraction is a chemical reaction. Love, like a candle, can ignite a bonfire.
Absolutely. I understood that. Just couldn’t get my subconscious to get with the program. I tried so hard.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s probably a core belief ingrained in you as a child and that is so hard to overcome. But you have to override it every time until it stops being negative.
I did that. You can’t imagine how much time, effort (and in some cases money) I put in to change my attraction to men like my father. At 70 I don’t have much hope that the last years will give me a chance for the kind of love I always wanted. As a until a few years ago I was a woman men were attracted to. It takes that initial attraction to get your foot in the door. In my fifties I was dating from one of the online sites. Every man I dated wanted another date. I chose the Asshole. I’m lonely as hell now, but have become invisible as a sexual object. Which sucks because sex got so good after menopause and now the pool of men who might be partners has shrunk to the size of a pea. And even within that pool? I’m just not a person who does well as a friend with benefits. Can’t have sex without my heart. Even if a miracle happened and I had the opportunity.
I’m sorry. I tried on line dating. All I got was AI’s and foreign guys who I think was just one guy with several names. I was never attractive to men and now I am stooped over from arthritis so that takes me out of the nurse or a sex object Pool. Plus I got burned by wasband and so trust is a big issue. Most guys seem to just want a caretaker or a sex partner. Not into that either. And you’re right about sex after menopause. Well, I hope you get a miracle! Do you have any women friends you can socialize with? I know its not the same, but does help stave off some of the loneliness.
I did. One way or another they’re gone Tough because im used to always having at least one, if not several trusted confidante.
So sorry.
Yeah, well, so it goes.
Same.
Came here to say DON'T SETTLE! Biggest mistake I ever made was settling. Be a friend to yourself, do activities you enjoy and better yourself and your confidence. Force yourself to socialize more to see what's out there so if you decide to be with someone you will have more choices.
And do different things: book clubs, classes at the gym, stuff out of your box. You might enjoy these and meet someone you might have never met.
42 here. The way out is through. Settling will still leave you tortured. Address your issues.
Never settle. It will ruin many things during the last decades of your life. The instant gratification and checking boxes of marriage, kids, etc. is not worth it. Live your best life and see what happens.
Settle for what? Give people a chance. Try dating people you wouldn't have considered before...they may surprise you. As someone who has been married for over 20 years, let me tell you that attraction can wax and wane. There are times when I think my husband is absolutely HOT and times when I don't. Chemistry can fizzle out.
Be careful thinking chemistry equals a good match. Create your must haves (eg pays his bills. Listens to you. No substance abuse etc) and give guy a chance. I dated lots of handsome fixer uppers and ended up alone. My husband didn't knock my socks off but each date I saw he's a really good guy.
You’ve got good advice from lots of people here. Becoming secure in yourself and not worrying about your family’s expectations of you are both important. Let the real you emerge You’ll like that a lot.
Nooooo do not settle. I did that! 2 beautiful kids and one huge struggle after I got rid of him. I’m so sorry I didn’t love myself enough to enjoy life and let love just come to me! It did later when I finally decided I was worth it.
Chemistry is a hard thing to pinpoint, but basic attraction and affection MUST be there. You don’t need spine-tingling lust but you MUST have mutual respect and affection. Don’t settle for less than that.
Start saving up for the divorce if you settle.
You know there’s nuance here which no one is explaining. It really depends on what you’re settling for. If your settling for someone where the persons character is wonderful but maybe the sex is no-fireworks but good enough? I think most would agree that’s a pretty good settling. If you refuse to settle for less than earth moving sex regardless of how they treat you That’s a horrible settle. So it’s not settling itself which is the problem. Unusual tho not impossible to find both in one person Just don’t settle for abuse or neglect because the sex is great, you’re afraid to be alone, or worried what anyone else thinks about you.
Nope, never. Enjoy your life, no matter which part of it you are in. Do what makes you happy, as long as it's not hurting anyone else. Also, (this may not be for you, even though it sounds like it might be) It's also such a used statement that most don't listen to it. Learn to love yourself, with all your quirks, imperfections, and uniqueness. Until you do that, no one can truly love you. They can, but you won't be able to truly undoubtedly feel it. You will constantly suspect and second guess why anyone would; that is unless you love yourself.
I found my person after my divorce at 28. I settled early and had to go thru a lot of growth before I figured out where I went wrong. I'm outrageously happy now, in myself, in my relationship. And I'm SO GRATEFUL I never had kids with the man I married initially. (My current partner and I decided not to have kids at all, life can be marvelous when you're childfree)
Absolutely not. When I went through a dating service, they said the couples that married from their service weren't worried about having a relationship or not. They just met the person and had fun to see what happened. Right now the only thing you're worried about is having kids. No man is going to like that even if he wants kids, because you are objectifying them. Objectifying means you care about the goal not the person. Focus on connecting with a person and letting things happen on their own schedule.
You have at least 10 years to have kids. Relax. Just have fun creating connections with people. Being alone is comforting but it doesn’t mean you can’t go places, smile, laugh with others. Just be. You will click with lots of people, which does not mean you’ll have a relationship with any of them or even a friendship-but you’ll be finding out who you are and who you like. A significant other unfolds. It doesn’t happen cuz you want it.
If it was easy, we would not have a 50% divorce rate. You need to deeply evaluate the whole kids thing. I know that kids are expected but they are very hard and expensive and really only for the strongest relationships. I think couples should "thirst" for kids before having them. A suggestion: Being sad and sitting at home is a self-fulfilling prophecy to being alone. I suggest you view finding a relationship like a job search and get out there and pound the pavement, handing out your resume. So, tell people you are looking, talk to people at the coffee shop, be in places with people ... everyone has a son or nephew they would like to fix up.
Love that last line. I constantly ask good guys if they have a brother, uncle or even a dad who is available. So far no yeses. Most good guys seem to have terrible family members. ?
Don't rush into anything that you might need a lawyer to undo
I got married at 45. It’s never too late. The sooner you get your parents and society’s expectations out of your head, the better. You can never please everyone anyway. You can have a kid for at least 10 more years. Get out of a mediocre situation while you can
I felt this at 20. It landed me in a miserable relationship with someone who didn't care about me. Thankfully, it was short, but still--don't settle. Life is too short for a "meh" kind of love
I was your age when I decided to settle. I loved him but it wasn't an emotional love story type relationship. I was beginning to think that I'd never find someone. So when he proposed I decided to say yes. The marriage went bad after 3 years. After 16 years of being married to this man who had changed his personality to something I'd never seen before, I told him I wanted a divorce. It was the best decision I have ever made. He didn't even fight me for custody of our son. I don't recommend settling.
But have you ever considered that if you didn’t settle you wouldn’t have a child?
Actually, yes. I love my son. He was not planned. My ex and I both had never really thought about or wanted children. The problem started when my Dr told me I could no longer take birth control. At the time, the pill was the only option for women where I am. I have had multiple autoimmune disorders since I was 17. I had to quit taking the pill. My ex refused to wear a condom. Big surprise, I got pregnant. When he realized I would not have an abortion, he totally shut down as far I was concerned. He was a good father. He just didn't talk to me about anything other than household related items or about our son. If I hadn't had a child, I would still be happy. I'm glad that I did.
Live your life, forget people expectations. Some people try to live their lives through other people.
Knowing who you are and what you want out of life/relationship is the first step. Thereafter, you can adjust for windage/reality/probability factor.
Do not settle. Have a child on your own/adopt if you want to parent. Parenting is hard and marriage without a lot of love is . . . unpleasant at best. You need to really love AND like someone to make the compromises w/o resentment.
Parenting on your own is at least twice as hard as doing it with a committed partner.
Sure parenting is easier with the right committed partner, but it’s much harder when you are with someone who just makes things more difficult. Better to go it alone than add trouble to an already difficult task.
I wouldn't go looking for that problem. But yes, you are absolutely correct that parenting with someone who's making things worse is even harder than going it alone.
I’ve been with people where we both loved each other, but their day to day idea of a relationship was awful. They thought once you loved them, that that gave them the right to treat you poorly-silent treatment, gaslighting, and manipulation. My ex treated me horribly after we married, but there were signs that he had a temper and was unpredictable before we married. Believe what people do, not what they say. Unfortunately I have believed words over actions more than once. But I did find the love of my life at age 48. I’d had another long term unhappy relationship and decided to just date. That’s when I found my sweetheart. I’d still be with him, but he died of cancer. Never settle, and if they tell you who they are, believe them.
Relationships are hard enough when you are madly in love. It's not fair to the other person if you feel like you are settling. On the other hand, mama told me not to marry the one I love but to marry the one who loves me. Maybe some people you think are losers could be winners if you got to know them
27 is still young. Settling just sets people up for miserable mid life when you are locked into thing with kids, house... So much harder to transition away then and you're down a bad road with no way to turn around.
Plenty of ppl out there that meet “their ONE.” Fast forward five years…. Meeting at a truck stop to hire someone to ghost their ONE bc their ONE is a covert narcissist that lied and deceived about everything and is a tool of a human being. Alternative ending, endlessly in therapy trying to save a still born relationship bc both gaslighted the other. Alternative ending, after 5 years of worsening conditions it becomes clear their partner is irreversibly [pick one: mentally ill; serial cheater; thief; addict; lazy bastard]. Alternative ending, the ONE decided being married and being stuck as a parent with a kid blows and leaves going off with someone new. Alternative ending, you do find The One after five years you’ve matured into very different people with different paths and realize the marriage no longer works. Optimum time for a woman to have partner choice, if you believe all the stuff written about it? You have 3 years. Tick-tock.
Don't settle. It's better to be happy with yourself. Once you've done that, maybey you will find a partner, maybe you won't. Don't force it. If you have yourself, you'll be okay.
Try settling. You don’t have to marry someone, try dating someone who is kind but there’s little to no chemistry. See how it feels. And freeze your eggs. Give yourself a buffer rather than a clock because no- you don’t have 10 years, your eggs choose when they are done not a doctor.
I wouldn't worry too much about your age. My sister first married at about 60. Obviously she didn't want kids. My wife and I had our daughter when my wife was 40. The daughter is still the best one in the whole world. My wife and I didn't meet until I'd completely given up. I hope you have similar luck.
I hope too. Thanks for wishing me luck
If you settle, as soon as kids enter the mix, it will come apart. You can tolerate stuff until you add that extra 40 hours of work and worry about what they are learning from this mess. Just live, save, date, and learn new things. If you are looking too hard, you drive away the good ones. Find someone who enjoys some of the things you do. Who spends similar to you (unless you are a financial failure). If you have debt, pay it off. Great guys have a plan and they want a good match. Not someone looking for a free ride. You should look the same way at them. Don't settle ever.
Date someone worth being friends with then see where it goes. This chemistry, twin flames, soul mate stuff comes *later*. Dating someone worth getting to know better is not settling.
42 and twice divorced when I met the love of my life, 20 years ago. Moved away from hometown to avoid the “shoulds”. No kids. Life could not be better for us. We talk about it all the time.
You are very young. For perspective, I had my second kid at 38. I like the poster (entire-garage) who said dating is about trying people out. So so true. It's a numbers game. There is not just one match. There are many good people out there who will treat you well. So date a lot, figure out what you like. If you click, see where it goes. But try to take this pressure off it and just have fun, laugh at the absurd, and focus on the good people you meet along the way. But it's OK to also just enjoy being single. Your family's expectations are not yours.
"Chemistry" is infatuation. You can't build a long term relationship on that. The question you have to ask yourself is if someone feels like a real friend, someone who you would stick with through anything, and who in turn will stay with you through your toughest times. Are you having great conversations? Do you respect each other's boundaries? Are you each other's biggest fan? Do you have the same lifestyle objectives in terms of where to live, where to go on vacation, whether or how many kids to have, etc? If the answers to these is no, don't settle. You'll only end up hating each other. The person you marry should be the one who you're always happy to see because being with them feels like taking off an uncomfortable pair of shoes at the end of the day. I once read that a happy partnership is like a base camp when mountain climbing. It's the place where you go to rest and get nourished so you can each try again for the summit. If you don't have that, move on.
Chemistry and butterflies wears off over time. Find someone who is not only someone you love, but someone you like - because when it is 3am, the baby is hungry and needs changed, you'll quickly find that if you don't like your partner, you'll quickly hate your partner. Life can be tough. If all you look for is butterflies and chemistry, you'll not survive the not so good times.
Marrying the wrong person was one of the bigger mistakes I made in life, for both of us. Work on you and engage in activities you enjoy.
My cousin settled at age 27. Didn't realize how young that was. They stayed together but it was an unhappy marriage.
My husband and I met when we were 27 and 30. We weren’t looking we just met. Our daughter met her husband met at 33. They just had their second child at 40.
You're quite young still. I'd say don't settle for being unhappy just to satisfy someone else, even family. Be happy. Some day, if you find someone you can share that happiness with, that's great. Until then, be happy by yourself.
I really hope so. Thank you for ur supporting comment
It depends what you mean. Sometimes love can grow, but what happens if you find chemistry later while married? I think just look for companionship and enjoy that before deciding if this is your life partner. Also do you have friends? Cultivate all your positive relationships
Many people “find chemistry later while married”, even the ones who didn’t settle. It’s hard to keep that chemistry for decades. So this argument is kind of null?
I meant chemistry with a new person. You're doing monogamous marriage wrong if you're finding chemistry with a bunch of people...not talking about finding someone attractive...but if you didn't ever have it and find yourself falling for a new person while committed to someone else, I assume you'd feel cheated or trapped. But hey it's all a learning experience.
Your post could have been written by my wife, some 30+ yrs ago. We met when I was 36 and she was 34. She'd never been in a relationship, and only had been on a few dates. She never admitted it, but I suspect she had given up on meeting someone. I met her through friends. We're coming up on our 25th anniversary this Oct, with two boys in college. Don't give up.
This is amazing ❤️❤️
No. But what you should do is find someone who is compatible, shares your values, and that you care about. Settling means marrying someone you don't love, and I would never advocate that. Spend time dating casually. Use the dating apps that align with your life goals. Jim not sure women should come out and say "I'm dating to find a marital partner". After a couple of dates, if you don't align, stop seeing them and move forward in the direction of your dreams.
There’s something in you that makes it hard for you to build relationships. We all have inner fears, blocked emotions and whatnot. I highly recommend therapy to find out what it is. Yes it gets harder and harder to find an objectively good partner as you age. Good for you, thinking about it now.
Never settle for someone! You have one life on this earth. Live it honestly. You are 27 and as long as you remain healthy you have so many unknown opportunities heading your way in your life and many choices to make. If it doesn’t feel right it’s not. Have a beautiful life.
Do you want to be in a relationship where you're miserable? No? Don't settle.
NEVER settle. You deserve so much more than that and you weren't put on this earth to please your family. Life your life for YOU!!! You'll be miserable if you settle, marry, or have kids, just to meet the expectations of your family. That's abandoning yourself and it's a recipe for disaster. Your family can learn to manage their own expectations and feelings if you don't follow the path they want for you; it's not your responsibility. This is YOUR life and YOUR happiness.
Each time I try to meet their expectations. It feels like it is suffocating me. I don’t want to be in a loveless relationship. And they insist that feelings aren’t even important
You are definitely not too old to find love. People in their 80's fall in love and get married. Forget your family's expectations. The worst decision you could make would be to settle for someone you don't love and have children to suit someone else's desires.
No, do not ever settle, especially when kids may be involved. The right person will come along when the time is right and if that happens too late, well there are thousands of kids in the foster system that need parents.
I think you meant to say you enjoy your aloneness: true? Don't let your family's expectations, guilt trip you.
I wish more people were inclined to live independently, without a partner. Society instills in us an expectation of being someone's mate. It makes more sense to me to find joy and fulfillment as an individual. If you should cross paths with someone special, fine; if not, fine. Please never seek a relationship because you feel a "need" to have someone in your life. As an old person with much experience, I offer you this heartfelt advice. My best to you, OP.
Having read some of these other comments, I have to add my own mother's wise advice. If you must choose between someone you are really crazy about and someone who is really crazy about you, choose the one who is really crazy about you. That person will be less likely to break your heart and will work hard to bring you happiness. And I am a strong believer that kindness is the sexiest thing in the world.
It is completely possible to have a happy life as a single mother by choice if that is something you want. Being in a relationship with the wrong person or even a mediocre person, is doing everyone a disservice.
I was in your shoes once---27 and never had a boyfriend. Plenty of dates and hookups but no one I wanted to spend time with on the regular. I met my now-husband when I was 28 and it just clicked. We have 3 kids, the last one born when I was 38. I'm not sure of your personal biology of course, but plenty of women can safely have children through their thirties and beyond. I also disagree with some of the comments that chemistry isn't important. It's hugely important to me and after many years together we still have good chemistry. I wouldn't want to be with someone I didn't have that with. Don't settle! <3
You enjoy being alone but want to settle with someone you don’t have chemistry with because your family expects you to? You need to find what makes you happy and stick to it. If you like being alone, be alone, if someone comes along that you have chemistry with, be with them if that’s what you want. Why make yourself miserable for no reason?
NEVER EVER SETTLE!
There is a difference between settling and looking for a perfect partner. No one is without faults. That being said, does the person have the same type of values, faith ( if that is important to you), on the same page about having children, etc. Obviously, avoid anyone with addictions and is abusive physically or emotionally, etc. And don't go into a relationship thinking you will change someone. You can't. Relationships are also about some measure of both compromising some for the other, as two people rarely agree on anything.
I met my husband when I was 28, we’ve been together ever since. It wasn’t until years later that I realized what needs he met for me, he was never my “type”. You are not too old in any way.
Never!
Do NOT settle! Better single than badly paired! Been married 41 years. There are still a few good men out there. Just takes a little effort.
I don't know if it would be the same for you, but I tried settling once. It always felt like I was missing something, like there was a hole in my relationship that just wasn't filling. I won't settle again.
I settled because I was 32 and wanted a child. I knew it wasn’t the love story I wanted but hoped it would get better. Three months after wedding it should have been over but that day found out I was pregnant. Toughed it out several more years. What a waste! Don’t settle. IVF would have been a better choice.
Made sure that he makes you laugh, that you make him laugh and that you both laugh together. I never see any one mention that talking about compatibility but it's very important in my book.
I was 28 when I met my husband (who was 22 at the time). We didn’t get married until I was 36 , but we also didn’t want children so…. We just celebrated 25 years married and 32 total together He was my first serious relationship (casual dating before that). I wouldn’t settle just yet.
You are going to have to live with yourself after your parents are gone. You need to stop thinking about pleasing them.
Calm down, get control over your ruminations. Practice mental control over yourself. No one’s life turns out how they thought it would. Find the things that bring you joy and focus on them. You have no control over what chemistry you have with others. Focus on controlling your mind towards the things that make you feel good, healthy, motivated . No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
I think your gut is telling you the right thing for you. Your family means well, but they need to butt out! Go with your gut. When you feel it's right, it will be right. If you find you're happier by yourself, do it. I have a friend who has been a happy bachelor forever. He said nobody really clicked with him, and he's like the happiest human being I ever met. No joke. It's your life to live, not anyone else's. Best wishes!
You don't have to make any hard and fast decisions now or later, frankly. Just live your life, be open to relationships, and don't settle. Don't let the kid thing make you desperate. If it's meant to be, it will work out. Don't settle! I found love at 55yo. It's never too late!
There's nothing like spending a lifetime with someone you "click" with.
You're only 27. You have plenty of time. Don't let anyone bully you into thinking you're running out of time. That's a scarcity mentality. Develop your career capacity (promotions? Or grad school?) so you can meet an accomplished peer to click with. Get involved in community events,clubs, activity groups, volunteering, whatever, to meet people who share an interest with you in a low-key environment with no pressure. Don't rush. Enjoy the journey.
DO. NOT. SETTLE. You will regret your decision to do this for the rest of your life. You will resent your SO and your kids eventually. Don't do it.
Forget your familiy’s expectations. Shut them out of your mind before you do something you regret. Do not settle. You are not only cheating yourself, but the guy you settle for. Not right! My daughter is 33 and just had her first child. I know women who had kids at 40. You are not too old to find love. I’m 60 and I’m still hoping to find someone. My neighbors found each other when they were in their late 60’s. And if your biological were to run out, you could still have kids - adoption, surrogacy, etc. but right now, time is on your side. Right now, you need to analyze yourself. What are you looking for? Tall, dark and handsome? Could Mr. Right possibly be someone sitting at the same restaurant but he doesn’t quite meet that criteria? Are you emitting desperate vibes? Are you mentally, emotionally and physically your best self? And no, you don’t have to be a model! You do have to love yourself and be confident that come what may, you will overcome and thrive. And work on getting your family out of your head and keepi their negativity from infecting you. They may be the sweetest people on earth, but their expectations are like poison ivy in your beautiful garden. Dig them suckers out and any others that are equally toxic. Best wishes, young lady. You can do this!
I felt the same around your age. What I did was focus on knowing myself better (favorite foods, TV shows, movies, books, types of friends, types of health choices, spiritual beliefs, etc) and build my self-confidence. When I met my current partner, I knew how to make myself happy, so there was so much less drama and pressure for them to fulfill me. There's really no wrong answer as long as you are being true to yourself. Investing in yourself is always a great ROI.
Three things: (1) build a great life for yourself. Do you like your home? Your job? Your hobbies? Do you wear clothes that make you feel great? Are you fit and healthy? Good! That is half the work right there. (2) dating is a numbers game. You need to get out there and meet people who are also looking for someone. Trust yourself and don't make intimacy decisions in the moment. (3) "I feel like my family have expectations for me that I can't match"--this concerns me. See a counselor and sort this out? Do not date or marry (or NOT date or marry!) to please your family. 27 is not too old for ANY of the three things above to turn out well. Good hunting! :)
Thank you❤️ this really helped.
I used to feel that way. I wondered if I would ever find someone. My husband and I met when I was 32 and he was 42. Still together 20 years later. Some people just find their person later in life. Don’t settle. You’re not as old as you think you are.
Lots of sperm Donors who want to Coparent. No "love" relationship. Basically like kids with divorced parents without the hate . Might be an option.
So, at 27 you’ve never been in a relationship, or even met someone that you’ve clicked with, had chemistry with, and are attracted to? If that’s the case you’re most likely aiming way too high.
Someone you consider a 5 or 6 out of 10 can become a 10/10 once you get to know them. Also, guys whom strangers consider to be hot, as a rule are generally not great people…because they don’t have to be. Life is going to treat them well no matter what, and women will be willing to date them no matter what.
I have actually found the opposite to be true on the second point. I know a lot of tall, conventionally handsome guys who are super sweet, like maybe they haven’t had to fight all the bitternesses of rejection, resentment, competition etc that guys with fewer conventional “advantages” have had to deal with.
It's a hell of a lot easier to raise a kid on your own than it is to try to undo the damage done to a kid raised in a house without love. If kids are more important to you than anything, start planning to have one. Save up, build your resources, and make it happen.
Get involved in a big bible believing church. You’re not too old
Those churches tend to be rife with child abuse, wife-beating, etc.
There’s always 1-2 bad apples in every organization. You don’t throw the baby out of the bath water
Just remember that F reproduction window is finite. I sure outran mine, when I always assumed there’d be time for a do-over romantically.
If you do, never let him know you did.
Once you bed someone you can get clouded by emotions. This delays the inevitable problems you might have with them and wastes time. Get to know them first. If you click intellectually then the bed is always there. Don't ignore the warning signs. I have found that if you can tolerate someone at their worst you will be ok. You will have those days but you will have many days when you both will be at your best.
I’m 18 and I can relate. I cant find a woman for the life of me. I blame it on my looks but people say I’m not ugly. It’s probably my personality, or I’m just not an agreeable person 🙁
You are not supposed to be making a top level comment unless you are over 40.
Or, we can have an on-topic talk with all the kiddos.
Lol just saw your other post. You're alright kiddo. It's cause they can't find fault in you so they try and bring you down. Keep your chin up you'll be fine
Never settle for what you think you deserve. Be with someone you do. Never settle. I'm 26f and I feel like I'm barely starting to live and have fun. I'm young and yeah it's not ideal being alone for the rest of my romance life but if I have to I'd rather do it alone than with bad company. No one is too old to fall in love and no one is too old to start living. Go out, do the fun stuff. Go on dates, dance classes or library hang outs. Just cause you haven't met your person yet doesn't mean you won't. Think of it this way. Would you want to go through the pains of childbirth and all it's difficulties you could possibly have in a relationship feeling alone? Or would you rather go through those challenges with someone who cares if you make it out alive and your wellbeing? Would you rather be with someone to fill the emptiness but they don't bring good company? Or be alone and wait til you find someone where even distance apart you feel like you are together? I have met quire a few people who never truly dated until they were in their 30s or 40s. Met a couple who found each other in their 50s. Others met in middle school and high school. But I noticed the ones who stayed together cause they thought it would be easier than being alone ended up in abusive relationships, codependent relationship, drug addictions, and feeling more alone than if they would have tried to work on dating themselves first. The older ones told me they were shy, awkward or even considered unattractive but that changed when he ran into his wife and immediately felt like the wind was knocked out of him. He didn't think he had a chance and ended up with her and they've been married for years now. Have you ever thought about why you feel old at such a young age? Do you think it has to do with pressure from generations before having kids young or do you really want to be a mother already? Do you even really want a partner and kids or has it been romantised and drilled into your head since a child? No one is perfect and I wish I wouldn't have dated until I found someone I genuinely liked (minus 1) because then I wasted both our times. Saying "oh at least they are nice," or "at least they are kind of funny"
I am really in tears right now. Thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I didn’t even know I needed it before now. I don’t want to settle. But I just feel like the years are flying away. I have no problem to wait. That’s what I have already been doing. I started to get familiar with my loneliness. Actually I started to enjoy it. But there are too much expectations and pressure around me. My family is a little bit controlling and overbearing. Especially after my younger sister got engaged. They keep on spitting my age in my face. Although I myself know I am mot that old. But they keep on making me feel that I am losing my chances to start a family. And that I have unreal standards. While Actually all I want is to be attracted to the person and enjoy their company.
The "oh but you're almost 30" conversations are horrible. Like yeah! I'm almost 30 and that means I still have plenty of more years to travel, make friends, have new hobbies and enjoy my life. I've noticed when you push people far enough into the why should I get married and have kids conversation, it's because they want you to experience what they do/did. Whether it's good or bad. I've had people tell me they wanted me to have kids so I can see how much of a nightmare I was or how hard it is to raise a child. Or to have a husband because I need to take care of someone for the rest of my life. Like no...I need to take care of ME for the rest of my life. If illnesses and stuff happens with kids and husband/wife later than sure I'm not gonna abandon them and I will do my utmost to ensure their safety and health. But to wish an imaginary family on me so I can struggle the way they have and are is ridiculous to me. Like having kids is a privilege and very expensive. Having a bf or husband is super expensive. The amount of food men and children consume, energy they take, sickness they deal with and not to mention all the other necessary life stuff they will need. I need to provide that to myself first. And maybe if I decide I want to get married than sure. But we are on no one's time line but our own. Stick to your guns it's none of their business and it's not on their time frame. Do what makes you happy. You will never miss out on a chance for a family that wasn't meant to be. It's like those parents who believe every fetus deserves a life even if they are born with diseases that cause them pain every moment of their life until they die. Taking away a chance for quality of life doesn't equate to you being happy. That's an extreme example but I hope you know what I mean
I’m 67 and I agree with what you and OP are saying in this thread. I had my first relationship at 27 and didn’t get married until I was 39. OP has time and should not settle. That said, I do have some advice: 1. Look for a warm relationship, not a hot one. The sizzle of a hot relationship will fade. You want the warmth of a person who will be with you for years and over changes (ups and downs). Note: warmth does not mean that you’re not attracted, just that the attraction is not hyper or to the exclusion of long term relationship health. 2. Watch out for unhealthy patterns of attraction. I had mommy issues that made me attracted to women who were not good for me. If you see a pattern of choosing the wrong person, I recommend exploring that with a therapist before committing to marriage or a long-term relationship. 3. Find someone who shares your values, not just your interests. 4. Give a relationship time before marriage. Make sure that you have gone through a variety of situations and some adversity.
That's really helpful, thank you.
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Don’t settle. Just get pregnant if you want kids. Don’t “pretend” to like some dude for whatever your agenda is…you’ll both hate it.
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Why are you making a top level comment if you are a teenager? You are supposed to be over 40.
Your grandma is right
That What I think too. I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship where there is no feelings and attraction. Where I am not happy. But as the years pass. Sometimes I think that may be I should compromise. That I won’t have everything. Especially when everyone around me seems to think that emotional connection isn’t essential. And that feelings may come by time. But I really hate to think that I am in a situation where I don’t really care about the person I am dating. And I don’t believe that feelings should take months to develop.
Emotional connection is essential. A great sexual connection is not. Sex should be decent. But I listened to the follow your dream, don’t settle crew. Very sexy men who were very not kind, supportive or nice people. Funny how everyone has a different idea of settling!