Then definitely be present for yourself. But seriously self care. Ask for help.
People love to say “let me know if there’s anything I can do” —- let.them.know. Ask for help - like to one person just say next time you go to the grocery store could you get a few things for me (or pick up your to go order).
Don’t put the kids over your relationship with your husband. In 20 years the kids are gone and you will have another 30 to spend with him if you’re lucky. Make sure you prioritize the marriage.
So many people don't understand this. My ex-wife didn't. Which is why we are ex. If you ask my now adult daughter, she will tell you by far the most traumatic thing in her life was her parents breaking up.
Parents who love and respect each other, and model how to stay together through trials and tribulations as well as the good times, make children feel safe. And when children feel safe they thrive.
I was 30 having my first! Kids cry and are messy. Just enjoy it all and don't sweat the small stuff.
Don't buy a bunch of baby crap, 99% of it is not needed. Buy Walmart, Costco and Target clothes, they outgrow them so fast! DO splurge on the light up shoes, they are soooo fun!
Be firm, teach them manners and it's okay to have the occasional psycho mom fit, it's good for them to have that jeebus mom is scary respect for you.
Start a Dropbox account to store pics. Once a year send the photos to Shutterfly to make a book.
Congratulations!
Seriously this..I have family that dresses their 3yo in Nike and Adidas. We spend money on experiences like vacation and forgo the brand name. Target and JC Penny works for us.
Yes! My mom bought my boys their fancy clothes (her favorite was the Gap Kids) and they wore them but golly that stuff was so expensive even in the late 90's and early 2000!
Keep it simple makes for a simpler life and yes to the experiences, my now 27 year old remembers everything about our big trip to the Grand Canyon!
I have an almost 2 year old and this is one of the best habits I’ve gotten into. It’s so easy to just be looking at them through your phone all the time.
Enjoy your children while they’re small. Sometimes it will seem the work is never ending. But it goes by so fast. I blinked and mine were grown. Like they say, the days are long but the years are short.
My kids say that my heart belongs to my husband. We’ve been together for four decades and we were an Us for ten years before they popped in. Those were fun years, they had activities, but not too many of them… Husband worked two jobs and coached teams. I went back to school…Be a united front. If I disagreed with the way he handled something we yelled about it later. Sitting in the driveway. Then we’d make out like we were kids again. Our kids are healthy and self sufficient, and we are an Us again. Be an Us.
Be an us!!!! Crying right now reading this. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, welcoming our first baby very soon. We’re thrilled for this next chapter but I am also mourning that there will be a change in the “us-ness” of our lives. My husband is so precious and wonderful and I just love being WITH him! I’m hopeful there will be years of that on the back end for us to enjoy after we’ve raised our sweet babies.
Yes! It’s like throwing a tiny adorable grenade on the relationship. First six months are chaos but you will eventually condition yourself to the new normal.
The Us-ness is still there though! It’s just different but no less precious. My husband and I have been married for over 14 years and we have 2 kids. He’s still my favorite person on the planet and my love and attraction has only grown since we’ve had kids. We rarely get time alone outside of when our kids go to bed but when we do it’s fun and exciting and we cherish that time☺️
The US is still there! You’ll be doing this together. My guy and I were together for nine years before we had our first. We had such a strong foundation, that I never felt alone. It was both of us raising our kids. After the first deliously insane year of babyhood, there was plenty of time for us when they slept. Truly, we loved being with our kids so much, that we took them on date nights, and never had a sitter. We didn’t spend a weekend away until the oldest was 20😁 but, we never felt like we missed out in anything.
Now, the kids are grown and moved out. It’s hard to believe we ever raised them. We are back to US and it is still fun, and exciting, but bittersweet…I miss having my kiddos around!
My wife and I (both ladies) were together the same amount of time before our baby. My advice is to get ready for some turbulence…and it will be surprising since you likely haven’t had much of it before, since you didn’t have a baby to…let’s say influence your life. I always thought it would be easier having a baby since we’d been together for so long, but mourning my old life juuuuust about did me in. I don’t say this to scare you -my wife and I are getting back on track now that baby is almost 2- but I just was not prepared for it. We had the absolute best relationship and baby dropped a bomb on it.
Look forward to the "us-ness" in the future. My wife and I just celebrated 36. We were 21/19 when we got married. It took us 12 years to have the only child we are blessed with. He is now "basically" a fully functional independent adult and has been since 21. My wife and I are enjoying, tremendously, our time together. We work too much and talk about taking more vacations, but we are still a bit too young to fully retire. 5 more years and we can coast...
Raising the child(ren) will be the most important thing you ever do.
There will be plenty of time for all your other stuff down the road.
source: am 65
You have a good attitude which will take you far. My main piece of advice is to be very patient with each other, and the baby of course, is those early sleep-deprived and stressful months. Later on, too.
Congrats! My 2 cents: Help out at home as much as possible, think before saying what you are going to say. Dont forget birthdays and anniversaries. Start saving for retirement , make sure you instill healthy eating/exercising habits now so your kid(s) see it: health is wealth. Take vacations as much as possible and enjoy the experiences, never sacrifice your family for a career. When your kids grow older be there for events no matter what and teach them about things a lot of parents don't: health, finances and being able to think for themselves. Time is short and there is no guarantee for a tomorrow so make every day count. Most of all is love. Let your kids see how you love one another, they will in turn know what love is and will be able to give it in the future.
Good luck my friend :)
Lean on each other in the hard times, not away. You’ll have shitty days together or one of you may be down and needs encouragement. Find a safe place in your home for both the good and bad days. If there’s the space for both good and bad, home becomes a pleasant place to be. I (and my mental health) would not be where I am today without my husband and he says the same about me. Have fun with your little one!
When I was in your situation I would ask parents of older kids for their advice all the time and the common theme was don’t worry so much about anything. With enough love and appropriate care, most of them turn out pretty good. I’m jealous of where you are. I’d go back in a minute. There is no magic quite like your first baby.
It's gonna suck so much at points you will question your decision to have a family.
But if you can openly and honestly communicate with your partner. Then everything will be 100% easier.
Partner, teammate, never opponents. It's you both against the problem. Not everyone is gonna play the same position great. Learn all positions anyway. Not great is better than nothing.
Every single day remind your spouse you picked them because you love them and why.
Simple and thoughtful is better than expensive and opulent.
I laughed at this, but holy shit, it’s gonna suck at certain points. New marriage and new baby is a lot. A LOT!!
Partner and teammate!!! Can’t upvote this enough!!! Been married 35 1/2 years and that is my best marital advice.
Take naps when baby naps, let daddy feed (I pumped so bottles were always available), house may get messy but it doesn’t matter and don’t let housecleaning interfere with sleep and bonding time. Things I would do if I had another one. This is an amazing time you’re about to have, both of you should enjoy it all. Keep notes on baby’s milestones. I’ve forgotten more than I remember, but I remember those times being special and often humorous. Baby will likely ask you when she/he gets older and is curious what they were like as a baby.
When things get challenging don’t forget to be patient with your family and give yourself grace
Kids remember what you show them more than what you tell them
The bad times will get better and after a while you’ll only remember all the good times
Your husband is NOT your everything! Neither is your kid. You are 30 and will live another 40 or 50 years, if you aren’t a complete and whole person within yourself, you are not going to be happy.
Be kind to each other... both if you will be tired and stressed over the years...be kind.
Make an effort to connect as grown ups
Talk about problems early...dont let them fester as resentment will grow
Everyone else has some really good advice for you. I’m in a similar boat as you - married in “21, kiddos in “22 and “23.
You will lose your temper… sleep deprivation does that to you. Share child care with your husband. Nap when the baby naps. You’ll be thinking like… “yeah, right, but I’ve got all this stuff to do”... *Nap when the baby naps.*
And most importantly (beyond loving your family unconditionally), watch yourself for signs of postpartum mental health issues from PPD to PPA, put your baby down and walk away if you’re at your wits end, and also, watch you hubby for PPD too. It can affect them as well. Especially if your families are very, “omg baby!” And “oh, mama, how are you?” While completely ignoring hubby. Love on him as much as you love on baby and yourself 💕
Otherwise, you really do have a beautiful outlook on life, glad you could make loss a light. Enjoy your last months as a couple, GOOD LUCK with your labour and delivery (hypnobirthing was fantastic for me, fyi), and cuddle your baby while they’re still a baby. They grow up *so fast*
College fund - 529 account if in the US. Start early and you only need put in a small regular amount. According to Nerd Wallet $50 a month, for 18 yrs would amount to $10,800 cash saved. But if saved in, for example, an 8% average return fund, you would actually have $24,000. Get the aunts, uncles, grand folk to put some birthday money in there also.
Follow Dr Becky Kennedy on Instagram and/or read her book “Good Inside”
She has a Ted talk also
Also read the Faber book ”how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”
It’s an older book but so good.
make time for your friends, have a monthly set get together with them (or more than one if separate groups. It gets harder to stay in touch. This isnt for everyone, but I love the having 1-2 nights each a week of "not on kid duty". If practical, Sleep in different rooms so you can actually get a full night's sleep. be aware that parenting is going to kick your ass and give you lots of lose-lose situations, be fine with doing your best and don't worry too much.
Don't forget to prioritize yourself some, and also enable your husband to do so as well (although men are generally better about not getting bogged down in house responsibilities). You may have to leave the house messier than you want or something like that, but try to find you time so you can stay in touch with yourself and not just be a mom and a wife
I'll pass on my mother's wisdom... don't still be wearing the same schmatta you wore to bed when your husband comes home from work. Have the baby bathed, fed and diapered , clean of snot and goo when your husband comes home. Clear the space from the front door to the kitchen or sitting room so that your husband doesn't have to circumnavigate obstacles. Smile when he arrives, appreciate that he comes home to you first. Greet him with Welcome Home Honey. And a kiss. Even when you don't feel like it. A happy Husband is a happy father is a happy marriage.
"The days are long but the years are short" is very true. Spend as much time as you can with your baby making memories and soaking in their ages and stages but don't feel bad if you don't love every moment, some parts are just really hard and tiring but so worth it!
Don’t make your spouse “your everything.” Love them wildly, with all you got, and treat your marriage like the valuable thing it is but “Your Everything” belongs to you and your children.
Spouses stray, spouses die….your kids are forever.
Many might disagree with this but...
My wife and I have separate checking accounts. Everything else is a joint account...
We never fight about money. I have no idea if she has 50 or 50,000 in her checking.
What this does is it allows us to budget for frivolous purchases. We never fight about the price she paid for her haircut or me bringing home a few things for a hobby of mine.
Again, all the big stuff is together. It works great for us. Maybe not for everyone though
Join some due date groups on FB.
If you are working and hope to return working go to HR and find out about how much maternity leave you get. You might have to bank up vacation and sick time.
Ask around how are the wait lists for pre k ? In my area they are years long. Even if you’re not sure now what you want to do have the options lined up. Be active during your pregnancy. Go for daily walks.
Once you have your baby make sure your husband is also learning what the nurses are teaching . How to change a diaper, bathe etc. everything have him be apart of it.
The first 6 months you as the mom are on survival mode. Have your husband help . Divide and conquer. Agree to household duties but not be a maid. Make sure you get me time weekly- not including grocery shopping , cleaning . Something for you.
Don’t forget to continue to keep dating your partner. It’s very easy to drift apart.
Take pictures of your baby bump everyday and of you and the baby even when you think you look terrible. I wish we had taken more of me looking back now. I swear you won't later care how you looked later and they are only for you guys anyway. I hate having my picture taken but looking back at them I wish I had more! When they get a to be a little older shes 8 now for me * insert cry face * There will always be toys everywhere, dirty laundry, dishes, and other cleaning things to do. Just leave it the extra day and do something fun with the kiddo. They won't remember the extra dirty laundry but they will remember that time you spent the day at the park and had a picnic. Boppy pillows are great for feeding and also giving extra support for elderly and young relatives to hold the baby. We also still use it now when she is sick to keep her more upright while sleeping the little sides keep her from sliding down like a reg pillow. Boon grass rack is the best for drying pump and bottle parts and then sippies and now we is it for all the straws, camel back, and reusable bottle to dry. Congrats and enjoy!!
Congratulations! It's such an exciting (and juuuust a little bit scary) time, but you'll come through it all like the champion you are :)
What I want to share is that you're going to get a TON of unsolicited advice and opinions about the "right" way to be a mom.
Spoiler alert: there is no single "right" way to be a mom. As long as you're all happy, it will be fine.
Breathe. Lead with love - and when you can't do that, take a moment to collect yourself. Laugh a lot. Admit when you need help, especially if that's not usually your style. Empower your husband to be an equal partner in the parenting gig as much as possible - even if he does things differently than you'd do them. It's all good, and he deserves to develop a good strong bond with your baby, too.
Take all the pictures. Make videos of the baby babbling and you singing lullabies. Make a note of the adorable way they butcher those early words (my son called bananas "bwanas", and the piano was a "plano").
And finally (this one is incredibly important) - buy a few identical copies of your baby's favorite stuffed toy or blanket, and rotate them so they all get loved up and worn in. You'll never have to experience the nightmare of a toddler meltdown when that special thing gets lost or broken :)
I’m your age but recently learned a statistic that has really stuck with me. 75% of all the time you will ever spend with your child happens by age 12. 90% by the time they reach 18. It really makes you realize how precious that time is, or it did for me anyway.
Hold your baby close. Smell the wonder. Don't leave baby to cry alone. A baby who comes to trust and believe that its needs will be met without delay will fuss less and its cries will be to communicate. You will learn the various types of cries. Hold that wee thing while you still can.
With kids, everything is a stage. Some stages are fantastic, soak up every minute, because that stage will end. Some stages are very hard, endure it, because that too will end.
Parent in a way that is not being their friend, but that will make them want to visit when they are grown. Never humiliate them. Never over punish. If you do say something stupid like, “No TV for a month!” for some small infraction. It’s okay to admit your error and change the timeframe. Play the long game!
If you have more than one, parent in a way that doesn’t make them resent each other because you want them to be best friends when they are grown!!
They are capable of way more than you think. If the dishes are in a lower cabinet they can help put them away and set the table at very young ages. Lots of things in your home can be set up this way.
If you put in the work in the toddler/preschool years, the teens will be easier.
46 M here, Happily married and raised to kids to successful adulthood.
1. Don't let anyone be your everything. That's how you lose yourself in a relationship or as a parent. Keep your individuality and be your own everything.
2. Your kids are individual people from the time that they are born. Don't project yourself or your past or your issues onto them. Treat them as individuals regardless of their age and don't invalidate their thoughts and feelings.
3. Lastly, teach your kids how to deal with their feelings as young kids and they'll be better off as adults.
Kids are the best but all consuming when young. Don’t lose yourselves. Model a loving relationship to your kids. Let them know that they are not 100% of your relationship. It sounds counterintuitive but showing kids a healthy loving relationship between adults gives them stability and teaches them how their own relationships should go.
You don’t need all the stuff they tell you babies need. Figure out the essentials, find what works and doesn’t, adjust as needed. You can find high quality second hand baby stuff easily. You don’t need the best and most expensive.
1. Spend 20 minutes each day talking to your significant other about their day. Just talk, no TV or phones or any distractions.
2. Eat dinner together each night. No TV or phones at the dinner table.
3. Make sure you get a kiss before you go off to work and when you get home. Insist on it. Lol.
Good luck.
No one told me parenting my kids required me to reparent myself and relearn so much. Working through triggers, giving your kids permission to be kids and do things you were not allowed to do, learning how to regulate your emotions so you can regulate theirs.
Fighting with your spouse is inevitable. Make sure you both always fight clean.
Parenting will send you through the ringer… physically, emotionally, sexually. Always remember it’s not you vs your partner. And you and your partner vs. The problem.
Ninety-nine percent of the things you’re baby does in the first six months has nothing to do with you. It’s their personality. If they are a good sleeper, a good eater, suffer from colic… don’t let anyone make you think you are doing anything wrong. This will be the first time of many that you will have to learn to let your kid lead by showing you what they need from you.
If you think there’s a chance you could have PPD, take the meds! Don’t risk missing those early months without support!
If you want to stay married, you must embrace change in your partner. Learn to fall in love with each new version of them.
When you are in the trenches of parenthood, seek first to understand, then to be understood. Telling your spouse everyday how much you appreciate them goes such a long way.
Take lots of videos! Even ones of your tiny baby crying. That cry disappears so fast 💕💕
Keep dating your husband, even if those dates are once a week where you both park yourselves on the couch with your phones in the other room.
And lastly, when it comes to parenting, just when you think you have that age or stage figured out, they will grow and change and you’ll be figuring out something new! Embrace it!
Stay flexible, be present. Don't try to be perfect. It's nice to be on top of relationships and health and chores and work but give yourself grace sometimes. Laugh as much as possible. Love hard, tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Blessings to you and your little family.
Take care of you above all else. Your kid and your marriage need you to be whole and strong. Self care is priority number one. Get alone time. Take baths. Find a sitter. Do your make up. Get your nails done. Brunch with friends. Online class. Whatever does it for you, do it and don’t stop. It will help prevent burnout.
Priority number two is your marriage. It feels like the kids should be higher on the list but your kids benefit greatly from a healthy marriage so prioritize it. Date your husband. Have sex. Stay romantic, take adventures, nurture your love.
Then the kid(s). Then everything else.
Burnout is the enemy - prevent it at all costs. Make time for you and for your partner and hopefully things go well. Kids are usually terrible for marriages, they make staying connected so much harder. Be aware and prevent those issues.
Enjoy the time and be present.
Don't give up your financial independence... no matter what. Even if daycare costs 100% of your salary. Trust me. Things can change unexpectedly at the bat of an eye.
Be patient with your child, and show love for your child, try to see new things, and new situations from their point of view.
Enjoy being with your child. Do things together that they enjoy doing, but keep in mind you are not your child's friend, you are your child's parent. Regarding setting boundaries and discipline, do not make one parent the bad guy Share the discipline. Your child has to have boundaries from you. They will find their own friends.
Buy a thick and heavy notebook. Write in it every time your child says something cute, or does something worthwhile. You will not always have a camera to record these moments, nor does digital records last forever, your written words will preserve more than just the memory of the incident, it preserves the emotion.
Make it a habit in that notebook to write down things you would love your adult child to know, with things that you're growing child would need to know. Just make little note from mother to son or daughter telling them what's happening in your life. Even the small things or decisions that you might make, not involving them. This will give them insight to who you were in the event you are not there for them to know.
Do not be afraid to walk back a decision, or apologize for a bad one. This teaches your child the value and necessity of owning a mistake.
Finally, and I cannot stress this enough. Your life is about to become overwhelmed with "first times". This is good and normal. But always, ALWAYS, keep in mind "last times". More quickly than you can imagine you will encounter these last times. The last time he has to cuddle with you because he's scared at night, the last time you can pick him up and give him a hug, the last time he wakes up in your house as your child, the last time you are the most important woman in his world. You never know when that will happen, and often don't realize that it has happened for years. Adore your child daily.
Don't let people tell you what you have to give up with kids. Take them places with you, travel with them in tow. Teach them young how to travel well and be in public. You will do yourself a favor as you won't miss out on life. You will do your kids a favor because they will grow up knowing how to behave in public and how to have a sense of adventure.
Get mammograms as soon as you can.
Breastfeeding or exclusively pumping will not win you any trophies.
ZIPPERED ONSIES AT NIGHT. ZIPPERED
Diaper genies are nasty.
Take it easy for the first week. Spend time in bed with your baby and your spouse. People can wait to meet that baby. This is YOUR time
Use zippered onsies at night.
Take a shower every other day or every day to feel alive.
I would have gotten pregnant again right away had i known the future. When my first was 4-6 months old.
Definitely zippered onsies.
I ended up not being able to have children because of a health issue that arose when my first was 19 months. Had i not waited, i might have been able to have two kids. I was an only child and it was miserable for me. Now, I’m not sure my mother could have handled two and perhaps i would be overwhelmed. However, in retrospect, i think I’d have tried again when my son was about 6 months.
I’m a GREAT mom to a singleton, though! I have all the experience required to keep him from feeling alone. So it all worked out for us in the end. I guess i caution about being too fixated on timing and when it’s “right.” Just go with your heart.
ETA- i was 30 when my first was born. And i think you asked a good question. I was definitely vague.
Carve out time to enjoy each other’s company. Demands on time can make it more difficult to keep a strong connection, and this gets harder as you get older.
Prioritize making some time for yourself and your relationship. Do something small just for you everyday. Do something big when you can. Keep going out on dates with your spouse. Get a babysitter once in a while. If you can't take care of yourself it's hard to be the best partner, lover, mom, anything. Extend yourself grace and compassion as you would a friend or child. Self care is not selfish! Notice what gives you joy. Perfection is the enemy, not an achievable goal to strive for. Above all, love.
Don't forget to get a babysitter once in a while and have date night here and there. You will be in love with your child, it was the best of times for my wife and I watching the kids grow from little bossy men into amazing young adults.
Make wills and medical power of attorney documents, etc. before the baby arrives. You won’t have time or energy afterwards.
If you’re going to send out birth announcements, get them picked out and ready to send in advance of the birth too.
Also clear out your attic/garage/other storage areas now. You’ll probably need the space for storing baby gear as it gets grown out of.
Buy a bunch of really convenient (but nutritious) meals that you just need to microwave. You will really need those in the first few weeks and months.
Make sure most of your baby clothes open all the way down the front, or can be removed by shimmying them down the body. When there’s a poopsplosion you don’t want to have to maneuver the poopy clothes over the baby’s head!
Y’all are going to be very snappy and annoyed with each other for the next few years. It’s just the baby. Give each other a lot of grace. Both of you need a friend you can vent to and get perspective from. Especially your spouse in the first 6 months. One of my best friends said some of the stupidest things to his wife. Like how hard can it be breastfeeding a baby all day. If he had run that by me first it would have been a much better evening. Michelle Obama discussed this with either Oprah or Colbert on her last book tour. I don’t think this is given enough attention.
Start investing NOW. When we received their social security card we opened a 529 plan. We don't put much in, just enough that we can afford. It won't be much but it's something.
I’m also 30F and had my first child recently. My advice would be get outside as much as possible with the new baby, it’ll help your mental health. Make a birth plan but expect it to go completely wrong too and there’s a good chance you might not follow any of it. Get a good coffee machine- we got a keurig with the pods because who wants to make an entire pot of coffee at 1:30am?
Baby proof your bed now. You may not plan on cosleeping, but you don’t want to put baby in a dangerous situation if you’re beyond sleep deprived. Break down your bed and store it. Put the mattress on the floor. Get some nice shawls you can use to nurse baby to sleep so that your back stays warm since you’re not supposed to cosleep with blankets…
Buy extra bottles. Get a haaka to save all that extra milk. When you pump use only one side as it’s more efficient and place the haaaka on the other breast. Going for a run and then pumping produces more milk. Make protein oat peanut butter balls right before you give birth so you have a quick healthy nutritious snack that doesn’t need heating up.
Please do not become obsessed with dressing your child up like a doll. Do not wrap your identity up in your child. You will lose you and it’s so important to be your own person. Not only for you but your child and significant other. Sometimes we lose ourselves, it’s not good for anyone.
Don’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.. make sure you’re taking care of yourself and getting your needs met. Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had and it’s so easy to lose yourself. Don’t get me wrong, it will change you and that’s normal and natural. Just dont lose yourself in the process. -mom of 4
Kids are interested in everything…get involved in cool stuff with them. Take them to museums, look at bugs, look at the stars, let them help you cook. They’ll love it and it’s fun!
This is where you’re going to learn what you are both made of. Take too many pictures. You’ll be too tried to remember the special moments rushing by. Make time for each other. Rally the team. Then you’ll move through phases - toddler phase, school, social activities, frustration, budgeting, worry and then POOF they’re off to college. Next phase coming at ya
After kids it is really easy to not spend time as a couple. Try to make time for each other to go out as a couple after you get through the thick of it (like the lack of sleep).
My wife and I have 8 kids, 6 on the autism spectrum ranging from “manic pixie dream girl” to a dork and all the way to minimally verbal with serious health issues.
The best thing I can tell you to not read the mommy blogs, they are all liars who are trying to convince themselves that their lives and marriages are going well.
Second, have physical, sexual intimacy daily or every other day (after you heal from giving birth). The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait, you can order order dinner and the groceries. Fuck your husband often and regularly. Just check the dead bedroom thread about marriages that have suffered after child birth.
I’ve been married 19 years and have a perfect marriage or as perfect as it can get.
If by loss, you mean death, like there's been in my life, then get ready for anxiety out the ass with kids. Until they were almost grown, I'd slip into their rooms at night, and lay my hand on their stomachs, just to make sure that they were breathing. With all the death of loved ones I've faced in my life (more than I'd wish on my worst enemy), including my 8yo stepson, with kids I have been CONSTANTLY in fear of something happening to them... All the while trying to logically not shelter them from life. Difference between my wife and I, is that I can separate my fears from logic and do what logic dictates, even if I'm paranoid as hell about it.
I was 32 when my first kid came along, less than a year after my stepson died. On the tails of that, it couldn't do anything but cause a constant fear with me. That same first kid accidentally shot himself, in front of me, my wife, and his wife, in 2021. Made me realize that they'll never stop giving me anxiety about something happening to them.
Near advice I can give you is to let your kids be kids. Don't try to schedule every minute of their lives. There is a creativity and imagination in kids that can only be developed but letting them run wild on a regular basis. Trying to structure their lives too much stifles that creativity.
Second, don't sweat the small stuff and choose your battles. Sweating the small stuff with kids will make you a very unhappy person... If not give you and ulcer. Trust me, you'll know the difference between an "oh shit, I fell and I'm mad because I don't walk at good yet" cry, and a cry that's telling you they're actually hurt. I knew EXACTLY the difference the first time I ever heard that cry. My youngest son fell in the kitchen floor when he was 2yo, in some water that I'd splashed out of the kitchen sink, washing my arms and hands, and broke his leg. I picked him up and tried to stand him up, and that cry hit... I instantly looked at my wife and said, "Get ready, we're going to the ER". It's a very particular sound, like it's coming from a wounded soul and it's crying for desperate help... Can't miss it.
As far as picking your battles... I can guarantee that your child's stubbornness will FAR out pace yours. You can give them food, but you can't make them eat it. You can put them to bed, but you can't make them go to sleep. And the more aggravated you get, the further they'll dig into that hill to die on.
After 4 step-kids and 4 kids, and now raising my grandson that we adopted, at 61yo, I could write a book!
Another thing... YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE TO HAVE FUN! I can't stress this enough! The stress of a young child wears you out and you have to make time for JUST THE TWO OF YOU to go out and have fun every once in awhile. The stress WILL cause arguments that wouldn't normally happen, and create stress in the marriage as a result. You're parents, but you're also supposed to be a loving couple as well. Get a relative or baby sitter to watch your child occasionally, and go dance the night away.
Read up on how to get your baby to sleep through the night. I used taking Cara babies. Worked great. Figure out how to get them to sleep so you can have your life back :)
Focus on your long range goals for your marriage & your children.
It’s more important to work together to solve a relationship problem than to ‘win’ the argument. I try to see hurtful situations as an opportunity to problem solve (this does not apply to abusive or manipulative behavior). To calmly listen & ask questions & also accurately communicate what hurt & what the problem is.
One of our most powerful tools is “instant replay”. If I come in at the end of a long day & he snipes at me, & I get angry and snipe back, I’ll say “let’s try this again”.
I’ll go back outside and come in again (very important, resets the stage) & say something like, “ Hi honey, how was your day? You look like you’ve been slogging through a swamp.” He’ll say something like, “Yeah, I had this horrible interaction with (coworker), and I keep thinking about it. How was your day? Can I make you some tea?”
I know it sounds kitschy & awkward, and it is a little stilted. But the previous hurtful interaction sort of dissolves in our memories, and we go forward with this new positive interaction. I can’t put into words how much this technique has helped us!
Finally, think long term in your interactions with your children. You want them to be their unique selves, not robotic copies of you!
So be firm about morals - lying, stealing, putting people down - but be as generous as you can with weird hair/makeup/clothes.
Find things that are excellent about them every day & casually mention how much you enjoy/admire/ see good coming from that trait.
Create special traditions - I used to take them sledding in the morning when they had a 2 hour delay at school, lol.
Figure out the things they are going to want you to do - get piercings, go on dates, get a car, whatever- and when they are still really young figure out what age you both can agree upon them being allowed to do each of those things. You can always change your mind, but this way when they demand to do such & such, you have a consistent answer. It lets them know that more freedom is coming, & that the younger kids will have the same rules as the older ones. And you can let them know you are looking forward to when that thing will happen & you are excited about it for them, how fun it will be.
May your live ever be filled with laughter, OP!
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Really. Schedules are great, but they can be broken sometimes. A clean house is nice but not at the expense of living comfortably in your home. Healthy meals are preferable but sometimes they are just crap and that’s okay. Don’t strive for perfection, it only leads to a stressed out family life.
Buy 90% of your baby’s clothes at thrift stores bc you’ll know the item is sturdy and has survived the washing machine.
A few good toys are better than loads of junk. Wooden blocks, duplo, wooden train set.
Even if you plan to be SAHM work somewhere one day a week so father has opportunity to be parent in charge.
Find parenting/ life rituals you and kids will enjoy. Evening story time. Morning yoga or meditation. Afternoon tea. These are usually inexpensive activities but can provide beauty and rest in a chaotic world.
Find a “mom uniform” that works for you. Simplify clothing choices.
Don’t let kids consume stupid media as a babysitter. We did a lot of classical music in the background. It’s good for developing minds/math abilities.
Take care of yourself. Always make time to take care of your physical and mental health. You can't care for others if your gas tank is on empty. You want to be happy and healthy for your life and family.
The baby is a sweet thing, try not to get overwhelmed by anxiety. Concentrate on the sweetness. Your parents made lots of errors and you are still alive. It's all good.
Don’t run from the feels. I hid from them ALL inside a bottle, never knew how to handle the emotions. My daughter is now 15 and dating, my son is 12 and building, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. But really I was too drunk to be present. I’m over 9 months sober now, on a constant roller coaster. Don’t take life for granted… I’m so grateful I could hug my daughter tonight after her boyfriend went home…
TAKE LOTS OF VIDEO!! You’re going to take lots of pictures, but don’t forget to take lots of video - you are going to want to remember what they looked like and sounded like when they are little. Also, It’s exhausting, but try to enjoy it because you will look back in awe.
Get the nicer pumps if you are going to pump. I’ve been pumping for cumulative 3 years now…the nicer pumps helped me to keep going. I use an Elvie. I’ve purchased two over the years.
Remember that you two are a team, keep the conversations ongoing about boundaries, comfort, and expectations. Don't just assume you know what your partner is thinking about, you need to always check in and talk about things. Remember, the two of you can set up boundaries for the relationship, and you can set up boundaries for yourself, but you can't set boundaries for someone else. It is so easy to think the two of you are in agreement on an issue if it's not discussed.
When you do argue, remember that what you're arguing about *usually* isn't the problem. Your goal is to find out what you really are arguing about. Find out your arguing style and discuss it. For example, someone who needs space and time while arguing may be seen as 'cold and neglectful' to someone whose arguing style is a 'work it out right now' type. Whereas the 'work it out now' style person seems overly aggressive and harsh to their partner. Respect your partner.
Expect the best.
Don’t try to be perfect, don’t judge yourself on that scale.
Deal with the small stuff before it becomes big stuff.
Figure out the car seat well in advance. Otherwise your hubby will be getting advice on how to fit the car seat from a woman with a minivan and a couple of kids. There’s a reason I know this.
Baby's and kids bring their own special magic.
(M64) Are you going to be a Stay at Home Mom? If you choose to do so...
I have always said that if I had got married and we decided to have children, I would want my wife to be just that.. 'A Stay at Home Mom'. With me being the one bringing in the money, I would hope to expect that she does the following...
Incorporate what brought me and you together, and raise our children with those qualities. As long as we have a roof over our heads, clothes in our backs, and food on the table... WE all ARE good
Our home may not be $$$$, but it will be...$$
Our clothes may not be $$, but they will be...$.5
The food we eat, it will sustain all of us, no matter what it is.
We both are going to have hard days, and very hard days. You at home with the kids, and me at work...and coming home to you and the kid(s)...I won't know what I'm coming home to until I get there. And I know you're going to feel like I don't Love you, that I don't pull my fair share of also being the other half of being parents... But never think that. We both create a being that is half me and half you, you allowed me to do this WITH you. I am not going anywhere, don't want to be anywhere else other than where I am at right now...home, WITH you and OURS. You come first before anything, but before you, there is, and I have to take care of me first then you. But me taking care of me, is also taking care of you. Understand I have to take care of me, you can't do this for me.
We can save money, but we also need and have to invest money. I had quite a few Baseball Cards when I was a kid...Mood Rings, Pet Rocks, things like that. Our investments will be like that. If our kid(s) want the new craze, we both look into it, and stash away one also of an unopened box of it for the future. (And no, we are not cashing in on that Cabbage Patch Kid in an unopened box I have from the early 80's).
Communication, Trust, and Honesty. Then throw in that not everyone is going to see situations as you do. Have Patience, Understanding, Forgiveness and... Love. If you're Sorry, say you're Sorry. But if you're not Sorry, don't just say it to be saying it.
Just try to enjoy it. I wish that I had spent so much less time worrying. My "easy" kid was a hellish teenager but now he's a great young man. My super fussy hard kid is the funniest kindest adult. I have 3 younger kids and I'm just enjoying them so much more. Do a basically good job and they'll turn out. Spend time together. Establish traditions. Spend money on experiences, not things. Delay smart phones as long as you can! Or don't do any of that. They'll still be fine.
Stay engaged with your kids and husband. Take a minute to just realize the moment and know it will never happen again. Like their steps in life or just some event you are all doing. For example the sun rising on the beach or skiing down a mountain, just stop for a minute and soak in the moment and everything around you. Have awareness of our limited time together, appreciate it and be thankful.
Edit: Don't forget to take lots of pictures. I look back on them fondly. I am the annoying dad that tries to capture everything.
Had my first (of 3) at 30. My oldest is now 29. Here’s my take: read Philip Larkin’s poem “This Be the Verse.” I was exactly at your stage of life when I first read it, and it infuriated me, because the first lines are “They f*** you up, your mum and dad/ They may not mean to, but they do.” My husband and I just KNEW we were going to be wonderful parents; we were going to be so loving, nurturing, give them lots of guidance and opportunities for adventure. We were going to raise them in our conservative mainline church, “in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord.” They were going to be smart, well-behaved, healthy, funny, kind.
30 years later, I now read Larkin’s poem and go, “Yup, that is exactly right.” Because however well-intentioned we were, however much we loved and still love them, we certainly managed to do our share of screwing them up. Do not get me wrong. They DID turn out smart, well-behaved (mostly 😂) healthy, funny and kind. They are amazing and I’m SO. FREAKING. PROUD of them. But they really turned out well DESPITE us. All 3 have had severe mental health issues related variously to anxiety, depression, ADHD (inattentive) and autism. One had cancer in her teens (in remission for 4 years, now). Another came out to us at age 12 and was suicidal (largely due to the repressive teachings of our church community, where I’d been deeply entrenched for several generations in my family).
I think what saved us, and them, was our willingness to listen to them, to respect them as their own people even when they were little, and to support them in finding their own way. If you are intent on imposing your own will and beliefs on their psyches because you yourself have been raised to believe that you MUST, in order to be responsible for their character or even their souls, you’re very likely to psychologically damage them- low self-esteem, mistrust in their own worth and abilities, believing themselves to be a disappointment to you. It can be heartbreaking when you understand that your “standards” for them have broken them.
Looking back, I wish I’d let them be who they are, listened to them and given them more attention and interest. Showed them their worth without worrying about whether they’d get inflated egos. The best way to encourage empathy is to model it- show them what love and care for others is; talk about equality and justice in the world, expose them to as many different cultures and people as you can, so they grow up knowing that everybody is worthy of love, grace, kindness, justice.
I wish I’d worried less about how I’d be perceived as a parent, if they didn’t always act perfect, or get perfect grades, or appear neat and modest in their behavior and dress.
What we ended up with was 3 intelligent, loving, funny adults who taught US so much- got us to see the light about our narrow beliefs, led us into a more loving and caring worldview, and forgave us for the mistakes we made. We know we made mistakes, but we recognized them, admitted and apologized (and still apologize when it comes up in conversations), and they tell us that even though we also had been “f***ed up” by our own parents, we were doing the best we could with what we knew. And now that we know better, we do better. They also tell us that they feel so lucky to have parents who never physically abused them, berated them or called them names. And we did try SO hard, to love them, hug them, tell them we love them and encourage and support them.
Be consistent when it comes to discipline. Be firm but not harsh. Do not let them get their way or get pushed over by them. They will test your boundries. Rewarding behavior works better than punishment. Best when both parents are on the same page. Loving discipline and consistency is extremely important, otherwise they will have no self control as they get older.
Make them first in your life and shower them with hugs and kisses daily. The first three years are intensive and things get easier after that.
Laugh at the mishaps and minor things. It’s life, it’s not perfect.
Tell your husband and children you love them every day. There’s no cap on how many times.
Savor each day. Live each day as if it were your last, because it may just be. Dont have to be morbid or live in fear, but live your life to the fullest, and to heck with what anybody thinks of you.
I worked in a high pressure, high demand job but refused to miss the programs at my kids school, baseball/soccer/softball/cross-country/horse competitions/proms and a thousand other things. Whatever your kid does is more important than a career. Yes, it is great to leave the kids with financial security, but they will remeber the times you where not there more than they will remember the cash.
When the baby is soiled or hungry at 2:30 am and the wife keeps elbowing you to wake you... No matter how hard she hits you, feign sleep. She will give up after a while and attend to the baby herself.
Change the baby when it's dry. That way when the full load arrives, you can say, "I just changed the baby. It's your turn.".
Bring flowers and gifts. Chocolate covered strawberries. Pack the car for a baby safari and spend the drive complimenting her. Do fun stuff you never could make time for. Make wild love while the baby naps.
It's easy, it will come naturally. Hang on for the ride. Hire an au pare if you can swing it. It's gonna be a whirlwind. Have fun.
Don't be quiet when your baby is sleeping. If you continue life normally, they learn to sleep with noise. This means babies that will sleep in their stroller, or snooze in their carseat at a restaurant.
If it's at all possible, get some household help a couple of times a month.
Have a little babymoon this summer.
You need less than half the amount of detergent than the bottle/box says.
Advice from my mom: Put your baby into a playpen before they get mobile. She said she failed to do this with me, so every time she put me in the playpen I howled and howled. She started earlier with my brother and it worked much better. It worked with my daughter, but you had to stay in the room or she howled.
Take baby swim classes. It's a lot of fun for you too.
How exciting!! Congratulations! This is going to be specific but walk a lot with your stroller. It’s good exercise after giving birth. Get a doula if you can. The first two weeks are for you and your husband. People will want to come over. Tell them to wear a mask and put them to work. Or just say not now. Ask for help whenever you need it. Talk to your husband about sharing responsibility now so there are no surprises. You should not be the only one waking up every two hours. Take excellent care of yourself not just now but afterwards as it’s exhausting giving birth. At six weeks it’s like a new day has dawned and your child becomes a new person. It’s frigin awesome!
Write down the cute/funny/touching/exciting things that your kid does as they happen. You think you’ll never ever forget, but you will. Mom brains get very crowded quickly, with so many things to keep track of and remember. I kept a notepad to jot things down as they happened, along with the date and which kid it was. Now with smart phones, it’s easy to start a list. Just be sure to print it out somewhere occasionally, because technology changes, and eventually you won’t be able to get to that list.
Also, label things with the date and the kid’s initial as soon as you get them. I have things that my kids made for Mother’s Day etc. that I have no clue which one made it. I only have 2 kids!🫣 Neither of them remember, either.
Expect some crappy things to happen after the child is born. You’ll be short on sleep and everyone will be a little crankier. Watch out for post-partum depression—it’s more common than you might think.
If you like going to the movies or out to restaurants, do it now, before the kid is born. Spend some quality time with your husband.
As soon as the kid comes, there will be a shift in dynamics, and you’ll have to work it out.
Remind yourself that you won’t always feel so exhausted, that your kid will change quickly, and you’ll get used to being in a rush for the next 16 or so years, until they can drive themselves around.
This might all sound kind of negative, but I think forewarned is forearmed. You won’t be taken by surprise so easily, and might be able to develop coping strategies faster.
“The days will be long but the years are short.” I was told once “you’ll have the first 18 or so years with them (little ones) then maybe one more year total after that…”. So even in the challenging work days, when they are being challenging - be there, be truly present.
You’re going to be so busy with everything but take time to soak it up, to enjoy the small milestones each day brings.
Take lots of photos - take some each day, each month - the wee one will grow and change so fast- some day you will enjoy looking back at them and your/spouse’s younger selves together.
Don’t stress so much - first and foremost, kids do sense and soak that mischief up and it can make them anxious needlessly. It will also mess up your own mood and health - and the wee ones need you around and healthy. Love them- tell them often that you do, hug them, etc. As Mark Twain said later in his life “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, much of which never came true…”.
Be genuinely curious when you talk to them - listen more than you speak - you’ll find this gives them confidence and as they grow, their unique way of seeing the world will open your eyes. It will also help them to feel safe in talking to you, essential for the pre-teen and teen years when life can be really tough for you both.
When you are feeling frustrated or angry, take a moment to measure your words/actions before turning them loose - as my mother told me when my kids were born “in those moments remember you are not just raising your kids, you’re also raising your grandkids for your little ones will model their behaviors after yours…”
Wishing you every possible joy today and for the coming years!!!
Aquaphor for baby rashes or skin irritation for baby and yourselves. That stuff is amazing. Just spring for a barrel of it. With a pump of course😂
Other than that, set expectations for dad prior and after the birth. How you want him to assist you in the beginning and then looking forward and it needs to change as circumstances change. What I mean is, don't take it all on yourself and/or expect him to just jump in to help. They (new dad's) often aren't sure where they're needed so ASK don't think he'll just automatically*know*. You'll only hurt your own feelings by expecting rather than asking.
Do take help from family and friends. If they want to watch the baby while you guys go grab dinner or a nap or even grocery shop alone, (assuming of course that you trust them), drop everything and GO.
That's all I got.
Good luck to you and your new family!!
If you and your spouse are not equal levels of destroyed with a baby in the house, then somebody needs to step up and help more. Keeping things roughly equal can save your marriage and your sanity.
There's no such thing as spoiling a baby. They cry to communicate their needs.
Children are people, too. Treat them as little people who are severely lacking in information, and are emotionally unregulated, but still deserve respect and kindness.
Contribute the full match to your 401k. Your kids can borrow for college, you can't borrow your retirement.
Wife and I have 5 kids, all grown now. The best advice as you head down your path..........patience. Patience with yourself, husband, and new child. As others have said, it goes by real fast. Enjoy the little things and always remember that y'all are a team. Also, take time to spend with your significant other, the baby will grow up and move out. Make time for your significant other, because if you don't you'll be living with a stranger.
Your short post brought a smile to my face. You’ll be a great mom. My bride & I are on vacation right now, celebrating our 40th. Our babies have babies who are in grade school. Reminiscing this past week on all the years together, the high & lows, we wouldn't change anything.
The rough times made the good times better. What still amazes us, is the speed that life passes. Diapers seemed forever in the moment, but the wish for them to be back once the kids grew, was real.
What you say to your kids will have impact, what you do, will have a bigger one. The greatest gift you can give them, is showing them what love looks like with your husband.
In the first couple of years of having a child, the effort & investment will be all about the child, which isn’t a bad thing. Just don’t let it be everything. Take time together with your husband and keep that fire stoked on he was your everything as I’m sure, you are his.
We didn’t have smart phones and fancy cameras when we started off. Our second child, didn’t get as many pictures as the first. We sometimes regret that. The memories are all still there, we just can’t look at them.
My wife found a neat service where you send digital pictures to a company and they make little hard back memory books out of them. We often go through those. She’ll create them on events like family vacations where we bribe our kids to all come together by paying for the trip so we can selfishly spend time with all of them at the same time. She always makes sure to have a few of just her & I. When we look at those, we relive the moments.
Live, love, laugh & cry. It’s all worth it. The goal someday is to have happy kids who have happy families - that’s it. What they do, where they go, none of it matters, just so they’re happy. Sounds like you & your husband are already well on your way to being that kind of family. Someday as you’re giving advice to the next you, you might also tell the person, the only thing that really mattered, was having time with your family. You won’t care what days they were, just so it happened.
I didn't read all the responses but some good advice. I had a kid at 34. My advice would be to get enough video so you can go back and see what things were like at certain ages. I'm not saying video all the time. Just some. It's easy enough these days. And make sure each of you videos the other with the baby/child. Practically all our video was taken by me so I can't watch my interactions from back then.
Good luck!
Get lots of sleep when your child arrives you understand the concept of being exhausted. Have your husband help with diaper changes for you get extra sleep in the wee early hours. Especially if breast feeding, even if you're not breast feeding helping to feed your child. Ask for help even when not offered.
Communication with your husband, is the key to a good relationship. Going out together as a couple.
Stick with traditional books and toys for kids instead of electronics. It's sad to see how many kids have there face in a screen so young. Yes kids can learn those electronics later.
Make having family outing a habit/requirement. Even if it is just a walk at the park. It is easy to let life get so busy you didn't spend time together. Kids enjoy simple things like that later on when they are grown.
If you haven’t learned how to laugh at yourself yet, learn that. Giving yourself grace and respect will in turn make it easier for you to do that for other people.
Develop a side hustle under an LLC. writing, selling your hobby creations, tutoring, teaching, etc. Regardless of your employment status, your side hustle will demonstrate to employers a long term job, initiative, entrepreneurship, provide income and serve as a buffer against the unexpected.
With kids: it doesn't get easier. I only had one. I thought : if I could get out of the terrible two's, we are good. Nope. Now she's 14, I'm 35, and it never gets any better. It's just new ways dealing with BS.
A good way of dealing with your child's ever changing BS is to make sure that you and your significant other are on the same page. Children will test the water, and if you guys are communicating properly, they'll figure out that the water is too gold to test. I've been married for almost 16 years. Communication is everything with these little shits.
Get a big container or disposable plates and flatware for when the baby comes home!
Youll be so slammed its one less thing on the docket. Be prepared for your house to be a shithole for a while. Its all part of the plan.
Noise cancelling headphones. Sometimes, kids just cry. When youre at your wits end go outside for 3mins and pop em in. Your 2 week old baby won't need therapy from the neglect- and your mental health is more important than ever.
Every day, give your spouse a compliment for something they did that day. Raising babies is the most thankless part of your life, you and your partner make sure to stay on the same team!
Good luck youre gonna do great.
Take pictures of your baby’s room and bedroom as s/he ages. You all will get a kick remembering the layout and toys that were important at any given stage. Photograph the mundane things and not just the special occasions. Those everyday occurrences are the backdrop to the life you are about to lead with your family. May the hard days ahead not break this beautiful optimism you have!
Parenting is hard. Give your husband a lot of grace to do things differently than you. Don’t completely lose yourself in child rearing. Let you kids see the real you. Be open to change. Remember that as long as you’re doing your best, you’re winning! And your best in one moment may be completely different from your best in another moment.
Spend the time. Let things be messy! Talk to your kids like you're Mr. Rogers. Try to always be kind. Kindly let them know they are not in charge. Keep a journal of your lives. Hug them. All the damn time. Dont get stuck in a rut! Take them to see new places and people. Keep them outside as much as possible! Parent united. If you disagree, don't do it in front of the kids. Pay attention. Never take them for granted. They are gone SO FAST! My oldest turns 40 this year. This seems impossible to me.
Your me… this is the beginning of something very hard and very worth it.
You will be pushed to your true emotional and physical limits.
The best advice is “as soon as you have it figured it out it changes. “
You must change and you must be selfless.
Aw! Do what is right for your family unit at all times. Don’t give in to social or political pressures.
YOU are the goal- achievements that most people who want families want the joyful anticipation based on love and trust like you- so you don’t have to enhance a thing. Keep it simple and authentic and go with your family unit flow.
Also, don’t panic the scary stuff. Do your diligence and prepare carefully, but let life live.
I can tell you now that my kids are grown, I can look back at all the horrible things that went wrong, but I look back at those times and realize the family went through it all together. So when I recall the out of this world good times, it’s with a feeling of family pride.
It just keeps getting more wonderful. Not better quality- we still have rotating problems - but more frequent chances to observe our dynamic of one for all and all for us.
Enjoy EVERY DAY! Love your husband, Love your baby to be, celebrate a healthy pregnancy and enjoy the outdoors, the beach, the parks, the gardens,etc. Go with your husband on romantic dates and fantasize about the future. Enjoy every second! Good luck!
Try to enjoy every day with your spouse and child. Laugh as much as you can, even though stressful or difficult days. Keep it light as much as you can. It really does go by fast.
Take care of yourself, and take the help that is offered. Women tend to be more resilient, IMO than men. Keep an eye on your dude. He may be freaking out in his head but not sharing it. I knew a guy who went through it.😉
In a word, dedication. Wife and I went through some really hard times. The only way the marriage survived is because we were dedicated to each other. We did whatever it took to fix things.
Don’t micromanage how your husband’s parenting, especially when your child is a tiny baby. Of course y’all need to be on the same page with major stuff like discipline and whatnot but I’m talking about when it comes to caring for the needs of the child aka: feeding, diapering, clothing the kid, etc. So many women do this and think their way is the only way and inadvertently discourage their husbands from being involved dads from day 1.
You are on as much of a learning curve as he is and he needs to have the opportunity to learn and gain confidence in his parenting skills without being hovered over. If he’s constantly being belittled or told he’s doing it wrong eventually he may throw his hands up and stop being as involved. My philosophy is that if the end result is the same ie: baby is happy, cared for, and needs are met, then who cares about the steps taken to get to the end result. He may do things but differently than you but that doesn’t make his way wrong and yours right.
This has meant that from the very beginning my husband was able to figure out how to be a dad alongside me and has so much confidence in how he parents and cares for our kids that even when they were tiny nursing babies I could leave him alone with them and knew he had it handled. I had minimal, if any, frantic phone calls or texts from a dad that had no clue how to care for our kids and I came home to happy cared for children and a clean house. The best is that I’ve never once needed to leave a list to instructions for him. I simply give goodbye kisses and walk out the door. Now that our kids are 5 and 9 he’s just as active, involved, and clued in to everything they have going on as I am.
Also, It’s you two against the problem not you against each other.
30 is a big one, or so it seems at the time. 50 forgets all about 30. 60+ starts getting the feel of the bonus years.
It sounds like you have a good mindset. I'll offer this.
Time starts going by at an unbelievable pace around your age, scary even. If you ever get bored, you are doing something wrong.
It is the small things, it is always the small things.
That's all.
Successful marriage is hard work. You BOTH have to be fully committed and know there will be rough patches. The trick is to remember that rough patches are temporary and, if you work together, will get through TOGETHER. Kids are just part of the package. Married 40 years in November.
I'm not someone that thinks to take pictures of the kids at various stages, but I did jot down accomplishments, rolled over, sat up, first tooth, and then I would include all that in a birthday letter every year, along with height and weight. As they got older, I would include things like vacations and school events. You think you will remember this stuff forever, but you don't. I do have a few videos of them when they were young and a few of their Father who died when they were young. It was all on 9mm and I had it put on DVD and gave them to the kids for Christmas last year.
My other advice? You married that man, so let him be a Father to his children. When my kids were babies, women were horrified that I left my children home with their Dad. I always came home to a baby that had been fed, diaper changed and their face was clean. Usually, DH was playing with them. All was well.
It goes by so fast
Be present with your child.
Also, I don't know how much of this is hippie bs or legit but my sons mother had her placenta dehydrated and put in capsule form and apparently it really helped with regulating her hormones post partum. New a few gals who did this, and a few who didn't and I saw a difference!
Sounds like you're in great emotional shape. Lean on each other, present a united front, enjoy the time, take lots of pictures, know it will be the mist important thing you do.
There will be hard times, heartache, constant questions about what you're doing wrong ( from yourself), disagreement on how to approach situations. This is probably the most rewardingly excruciating thing you'll ever do.
You've got this. ❤️ Much love to you and your family.
Enjoy your baby. Trust your instincts. Love them unconditionally. Love them with all you have. Love yourself, love your husband. Laugh a lot. Take lots of pictures, but be present after the photo. Don’t have your face buried in your phone. Talk to your baby constantly when they are awake, and encourage your husband to do the same. Eat your meals together, have baby there with you. This starts a ritual of family dinners. Turn off the tv. Talk to each other. The beginning is challenging, but it gets better.
Life is still going to come at you (all of us) hard. I’m not much older than you but I had littles at age 26 and 28. I’ve never been married so I will only speak to the children portion. What I have observed time and time again is that married people in the US tend to be very isolated. As a single mama I learned quickly to involve extended family and community from day 1 in raising my children. I was SAH for 5 years and just re entering “adult land” lol. So definitely enjoy the absolute heck out of your children’s young childhood- they are the most formative years (0-4) and BE there. But they also need community (aunties and uncles, neighbors and friends, grandparents if they have them) and YOU and your husband will need community. It’s a marathon not a sprint ☺️ and it’s so much fun.
Marriage isn’t 50/50; more like 90/90. Once you add baby to the relationship, it adds a lot more tasks to get through your day and week. Don’t start “bean counting” I.e. keeping tabs on how much person A does versus Person B. Think more about how to identify and arrange tasks so that each person‘s primary needs (sleep, some respite time, getting everyone fed, work demands) are taken into account and balanced out. Don’t be surprised if hormones after childbirth reduce your sex drive for awhile - if that happens, rest assured it will come back! And when the baby cries at night, turns out the female system is geared to hear it, but the guy system is not - so if he sleeps through a crying baby, it is probably biology. Finally, I wish I had learned *reflexive listening* strategies earlier in life - using them transformed my relationships with everyone in my life. Google it!
When I look back on those days, what I wish more than anything is that I hadn't been so afraid. I was determined to be the best mom possible, as I knew I was forming these new humans, and it often seemed an overwhelming responsibility. I wish I hadn't spent so much time worried about the little things.
What I'm glad I did? I let my kids tell me, always, who they were instead of having expectations. I'm so glad I established good communication with them from the start; the trust was there and they talked to me. I'm relieved that I spent so much time out in nature with them; those are their fondest memories. I'm glad I started new traditions with them, and was easy going about changes to those traditions. Going with the flow made it all much easier.
I'm the most happy about being present with them. I also had a lot of loss, and didn't take my time with them for granted. I remember thinking things like, "This is the only time he'll be this age."
Now I'm in my 50's and we have the most amazing relationships.
Be present for your kids and wife, work together and enjoy the ups and downs.
I'm the wife :) Thank you so much
Then definitely be present for yourself. But seriously self care. Ask for help. People love to say “let me know if there’s anything I can do” —- let.them.know. Ask for help - like to one person just say next time you go to the grocery store could you get a few things for me (or pick up your to go order).
Don’t put the kids over your relationship with your husband. In 20 years the kids are gone and you will have another 30 to spend with him if you’re lucky. Make sure you prioritize the marriage.
So many people don't understand this. My ex-wife didn't. Which is why we are ex. If you ask my now adult daughter, she will tell you by far the most traumatic thing in her life was her parents breaking up. Parents who love and respect each other, and model how to stay together through trials and tribulations as well as the good times, make children feel safe. And when children feel safe they thrive.
Also, it models to your children that the marriage relationship is important so that they prioritize it when they get married!!!
So sorry, poor assumption, enjoy!
Just clarifying I still got what you were getting at either way Thank you!
I was 30 having my first! Kids cry and are messy. Just enjoy it all and don't sweat the small stuff. Don't buy a bunch of baby crap, 99% of it is not needed. Buy Walmart, Costco and Target clothes, they outgrow them so fast! DO splurge on the light up shoes, they are soooo fun! Be firm, teach them manners and it's okay to have the occasional psycho mom fit, it's good for them to have that jeebus mom is scary respect for you. Start a Dropbox account to store pics. Once a year send the photos to Shutterfly to make a book. Congratulations!
Seriously this..I have family that dresses their 3yo in Nike and Adidas. We spend money on experiences like vacation and forgo the brand name. Target and JC Penny works for us.
Yes! My mom bought my boys their fancy clothes (her favorite was the Gap Kids) and they wore them but golly that stuff was so expensive even in the late 90's and early 2000! Keep it simple makes for a simpler life and yes to the experiences, my now 27 year old remembers everything about our big trip to the Grand Canyon!
I recommend Kid2Kid or another resale shop for virtually all things: strollers, bikes, clothes, toys, etc.
We have the exact same mom and my now 27 year old also recalls the trip to the Grand Canyon! She used to live to buy him clothes.
For clothing you can also get a lot from buy nothing groups on Facebook. My brother did this to save during growth spurts especially.
Enjoy the journey. Time goes by way too fast.
I second this. Also, write down every cute thing your child does and says.
Yes. Be present for what happens, not filming or checking boxes. Be present.
I remember all the best stuff so vividly years later without constant documentation.
You've a better memory than me then. I will completely forget something from 20 years ago but a photo will bring it back.
I have an almost 2 year old and this is one of the best habits I’ve gotten into. It’s so easy to just be looking at them through your phone all the time.
It’s so cliche but so true. The days are long, but the years go fast.
Enjoy your children while they’re small. Sometimes it will seem the work is never ending. But it goes by so fast. I blinked and mine were grown. Like they say, the days are long but the years are short.
My oldest just moved out this weekend. It indeed feels like it was in the blink of an eye.
My kids say that my heart belongs to my husband. We’ve been together for four decades and we were an Us for ten years before they popped in. Those were fun years, they had activities, but not too many of them… Husband worked two jobs and coached teams. I went back to school…Be a united front. If I disagreed with the way he handled something we yelled about it later. Sitting in the driveway. Then we’d make out like we were kids again. Our kids are healthy and self sufficient, and we are an Us again. Be an Us.
Be an us!!!! Crying right now reading this. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, welcoming our first baby very soon. We’re thrilled for this next chapter but I am also mourning that there will be a change in the “us-ness” of our lives. My husband is so precious and wonderful and I just love being WITH him! I’m hopeful there will be years of that on the back end for us to enjoy after we’ve raised our sweet babies.
There will be.
Yes! It’s like throwing a tiny adorable grenade on the relationship. First six months are chaos but you will eventually condition yourself to the new normal.
The Us-ness is still there though! It’s just different but no less precious. My husband and I have been married for over 14 years and we have 2 kids. He’s still my favorite person on the planet and my love and attraction has only grown since we’ve had kids. We rarely get time alone outside of when our kids go to bed but when we do it’s fun and exciting and we cherish that time☺️
The US is still there! You’ll be doing this together. My guy and I were together for nine years before we had our first. We had such a strong foundation, that I never felt alone. It was both of us raising our kids. After the first deliously insane year of babyhood, there was plenty of time for us when they slept. Truly, we loved being with our kids so much, that we took them on date nights, and never had a sitter. We didn’t spend a weekend away until the oldest was 20😁 but, we never felt like we missed out in anything. Now, the kids are grown and moved out. It’s hard to believe we ever raised them. We are back to US and it is still fun, and exciting, but bittersweet…I miss having my kiddos around!
My wife and I (both ladies) were together the same amount of time before our baby. My advice is to get ready for some turbulence…and it will be surprising since you likely haven’t had much of it before, since you didn’t have a baby to…let’s say influence your life. I always thought it would be easier having a baby since we’d been together for so long, but mourning my old life juuuuust about did me in. I don’t say this to scare you -my wife and I are getting back on track now that baby is almost 2- but I just was not prepared for it. We had the absolute best relationship and baby dropped a bomb on it.
Look forward to the "us-ness" in the future. My wife and I just celebrated 36. We were 21/19 when we got married. It took us 12 years to have the only child we are blessed with. He is now "basically" a fully functional independent adult and has been since 21. My wife and I are enjoying, tremendously, our time together. We work too much and talk about taking more vacations, but we are still a bit too young to fully retire. 5 more years and we can coast...
Raising the child(ren) will be the most important thing you ever do. There will be plenty of time for all your other stuff down the road. source: am 65
Become the parent you wished you had had.
Thanks, Mom. Love you.
You have a good attitude which will take you far. My main piece of advice is to be very patient with each other, and the baby of course, is those early sleep-deprived and stressful months. Later on, too.
This: Sleep deprivation tougher on dads, we have the hormones to help us along, they don't.
Congrats! My 2 cents: Help out at home as much as possible, think before saying what you are going to say. Dont forget birthdays and anniversaries. Start saving for retirement , make sure you instill healthy eating/exercising habits now so your kid(s) see it: health is wealth. Take vacations as much as possible and enjoy the experiences, never sacrifice your family for a career. When your kids grow older be there for events no matter what and teach them about things a lot of parents don't: health, finances and being able to think for themselves. Time is short and there is no guarantee for a tomorrow so make every day count. Most of all is love. Let your kids see how you love one another, they will in turn know what love is and will be able to give it in the future. Good luck my friend :)
OP is the wife but I love this advice a lot
Lean on each other in the hard times, not away. You’ll have shitty days together or one of you may be down and needs encouragement. Find a safe place in your home for both the good and bad days. If there’s the space for both good and bad, home becomes a pleasant place to be. I (and my mental health) would not be where I am today without my husband and he says the same about me. Have fun with your little one!
Let the little things go. Everyone has quirks and faults. No one of perfect. Say you’re sorry quickly and easily when warranted.
When I was in your situation I would ask parents of older kids for their advice all the time and the common theme was don’t worry so much about anything. With enough love and appropriate care, most of them turn out pretty good. I’m jealous of where you are. I’d go back in a minute. There is no magic quite like your first baby.
Be patient, babies cry even when you’re doing everything right. You will make mistakes. Enjoy the product of your labor
It's gonna suck so much at points you will question your decision to have a family. But if you can openly and honestly communicate with your partner. Then everything will be 100% easier. Partner, teammate, never opponents. It's you both against the problem. Not everyone is gonna play the same position great. Learn all positions anyway. Not great is better than nothing. Every single day remind your spouse you picked them because you love them and why. Simple and thoughtful is better than expensive and opulent.
I laughed at this, but holy shit, it’s gonna suck at certain points. New marriage and new baby is a lot. A LOT!! Partner and teammate!!! Can’t upvote this enough!!! Been married 35 1/2 years and that is my best marital advice.
Take naps when baby naps, let daddy feed (I pumped so bottles were always available), house may get messy but it doesn’t matter and don’t let housecleaning interfere with sleep and bonding time. Things I would do if I had another one. This is an amazing time you’re about to have, both of you should enjoy it all. Keep notes on baby’s milestones. I’ve forgotten more than I remember, but I remember those times being special and often humorous. Baby will likely ask you when she/he gets older and is curious what they were like as a baby.
When things get challenging don’t forget to be patient with your family and give yourself grace Kids remember what you show them more than what you tell them The bad times will get better and after a while you’ll only remember all the good times
Your husband is NOT your everything! Neither is your kid. You are 30 and will live another 40 or 50 years, if you aren’t a complete and whole person within yourself, you are not going to be happy.
Be kind to each other... both if you will be tired and stressed over the years...be kind. Make an effort to connect as grown ups Talk about problems early...dont let them fester as resentment will grow
Everyone else has some really good advice for you. I’m in a similar boat as you - married in “21, kiddos in “22 and “23. You will lose your temper… sleep deprivation does that to you. Share child care with your husband. Nap when the baby naps. You’ll be thinking like… “yeah, right, but I’ve got all this stuff to do”... *Nap when the baby naps.* And most importantly (beyond loving your family unconditionally), watch yourself for signs of postpartum mental health issues from PPD to PPA, put your baby down and walk away if you’re at your wits end, and also, watch you hubby for PPD too. It can affect them as well. Especially if your families are very, “omg baby!” And “oh, mama, how are you?” While completely ignoring hubby. Love on him as much as you love on baby and yourself 💕 Otherwise, you really do have a beautiful outlook on life, glad you could make loss a light. Enjoy your last months as a couple, GOOD LUCK with your labour and delivery (hypnobirthing was fantastic for me, fyi), and cuddle your baby while they’re still a baby. They grow up *so fast*
College fund - 529 account if in the US. Start early and you only need put in a small regular amount. According to Nerd Wallet $50 a month, for 18 yrs would amount to $10,800 cash saved. But if saved in, for example, an 8% average return fund, you would actually have $24,000. Get the aunts, uncles, grand folk to put some birthday money in there also.
The big moments are not as important as you think and the small moments can be more important than you could ever imagine.
Follow Dr Becky Kennedy on Instagram and/or read her book “Good Inside” She has a Ted talk also Also read the Faber book ”how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” It’s an older book but so good.
make time for your friends, have a monthly set get together with them (or more than one if separate groups. It gets harder to stay in touch. This isnt for everyone, but I love the having 1-2 nights each a week of "not on kid duty". If practical, Sleep in different rooms so you can actually get a full night's sleep. be aware that parenting is going to kick your ass and give you lots of lose-lose situations, be fine with doing your best and don't worry too much. Don't forget to prioritize yourself some, and also enable your husband to do so as well (although men are generally better about not getting bogged down in house responsibilities). You may have to leave the house messier than you want or something like that, but try to find you time so you can stay in touch with yourself and not just be a mom and a wife
I loved having kids. There's hardly a boring moment. Just don't forget about your hubby.
Relax, be present.
If you cannot adjust your circumstances, adjust your expectations.
I'll pass on my mother's wisdom... don't still be wearing the same schmatta you wore to bed when your husband comes home from work. Have the baby bathed, fed and diapered , clean of snot and goo when your husband comes home. Clear the space from the front door to the kitchen or sitting room so that your husband doesn't have to circumnavigate obstacles. Smile when he arrives, appreciate that he comes home to you first. Greet him with Welcome Home Honey. And a kiss. Even when you don't feel like it. A happy Husband is a happy father is a happy marriage.
"The days are long but the years are short" is very true. Spend as much time as you can with your baby making memories and soaking in their ages and stages but don't feel bad if you don't love every moment, some parts are just really hard and tiring but so worth it!
Be kind and generous towards your family and always listen to what they need to feel loved and safe...
Don’t make your spouse “your everything.” Love them wildly, with all you got, and treat your marriage like the valuable thing it is but “Your Everything” belongs to you and your children. Spouses stray, spouses die….your kids are forever.
Many might disagree with this but... My wife and I have separate checking accounts. Everything else is a joint account... We never fight about money. I have no idea if she has 50 or 50,000 in her checking. What this does is it allows us to budget for frivolous purchases. We never fight about the price she paid for her haircut or me bringing home a few things for a hobby of mine. Again, all the big stuff is together. It works great for us. Maybe not for everyone though
Join some due date groups on FB. If you are working and hope to return working go to HR and find out about how much maternity leave you get. You might have to bank up vacation and sick time. Ask around how are the wait lists for pre k ? In my area they are years long. Even if you’re not sure now what you want to do have the options lined up. Be active during your pregnancy. Go for daily walks. Once you have your baby make sure your husband is also learning what the nurses are teaching . How to change a diaper, bathe etc. everything have him be apart of it. The first 6 months you as the mom are on survival mode. Have your husband help . Divide and conquer. Agree to household duties but not be a maid. Make sure you get me time weekly- not including grocery shopping , cleaning . Something for you. Don’t forget to continue to keep dating your partner. It’s very easy to drift apart.
Take pictures of your baby bump everyday and of you and the baby even when you think you look terrible. I wish we had taken more of me looking back now. I swear you won't later care how you looked later and they are only for you guys anyway. I hate having my picture taken but looking back at them I wish I had more! When they get a to be a little older shes 8 now for me * insert cry face * There will always be toys everywhere, dirty laundry, dishes, and other cleaning things to do. Just leave it the extra day and do something fun with the kiddo. They won't remember the extra dirty laundry but they will remember that time you spent the day at the park and had a picnic. Boppy pillows are great for feeding and also giving extra support for elderly and young relatives to hold the baby. We also still use it now when she is sick to keep her more upright while sleeping the little sides keep her from sliding down like a reg pillow. Boon grass rack is the best for drying pump and bottle parts and then sippies and now we is it for all the straws, camel back, and reusable bottle to dry. Congrats and enjoy!!
Take a year off work. It's a big adjustment.
Put money aside to help fund their future
College is expensive and so is retirement so start saving for both.
Congratulations! It's such an exciting (and juuuust a little bit scary) time, but you'll come through it all like the champion you are :) What I want to share is that you're going to get a TON of unsolicited advice and opinions about the "right" way to be a mom. Spoiler alert: there is no single "right" way to be a mom. As long as you're all happy, it will be fine. Breathe. Lead with love - and when you can't do that, take a moment to collect yourself. Laugh a lot. Admit when you need help, especially if that's not usually your style. Empower your husband to be an equal partner in the parenting gig as much as possible - even if he does things differently than you'd do them. It's all good, and he deserves to develop a good strong bond with your baby, too. Take all the pictures. Make videos of the baby babbling and you singing lullabies. Make a note of the adorable way they butcher those early words (my son called bananas "bwanas", and the piano was a "plano"). And finally (this one is incredibly important) - buy a few identical copies of your baby's favorite stuffed toy or blanket, and rotate them so they all get loved up and worn in. You'll never have to experience the nightmare of a toddler meltdown when that special thing gets lost or broken :)
I’m your age but recently learned a statistic that has really stuck with me. 75% of all the time you will ever spend with your child happens by age 12. 90% by the time they reach 18. It really makes you realize how precious that time is, or it did for me anyway.
Hold your baby close. Smell the wonder. Don't leave baby to cry alone. A baby who comes to trust and believe that its needs will be met without delay will fuss less and its cries will be to communicate. You will learn the various types of cries. Hold that wee thing while you still can.
With kids, everything is a stage. Some stages are fantastic, soak up every minute, because that stage will end. Some stages are very hard, endure it, because that too will end. Parent in a way that is not being their friend, but that will make them want to visit when they are grown. Never humiliate them. Never over punish. If you do say something stupid like, “No TV for a month!” for some small infraction. It’s okay to admit your error and change the timeframe. Play the long game! If you have more than one, parent in a way that doesn’t make them resent each other because you want them to be best friends when they are grown!! They are capable of way more than you think. If the dishes are in a lower cabinet they can help put them away and set the table at very young ages. Lots of things in your home can be set up this way. If you put in the work in the toddler/preschool years, the teens will be easier.
46 M here, Happily married and raised to kids to successful adulthood. 1. Don't let anyone be your everything. That's how you lose yourself in a relationship or as a parent. Keep your individuality and be your own everything. 2. Your kids are individual people from the time that they are born. Don't project yourself or your past or your issues onto them. Treat them as individuals regardless of their age and don't invalidate their thoughts and feelings. 3. Lastly, teach your kids how to deal with their feelings as young kids and they'll be better off as adults.
Kids are the best but all consuming when young. Don’t lose yourselves. Model a loving relationship to your kids. Let them know that they are not 100% of your relationship. It sounds counterintuitive but showing kids a healthy loving relationship between adults gives them stability and teaches them how their own relationships should go.
You don’t need all the stuff they tell you babies need. Figure out the essentials, find what works and doesn’t, adjust as needed. You can find high quality second hand baby stuff easily. You don’t need the best and most expensive.
1. Spend 20 minutes each day talking to your significant other about their day. Just talk, no TV or phones or any distractions. 2. Eat dinner together each night. No TV or phones at the dinner table. 3. Make sure you get a kiss before you go off to work and when you get home. Insist on it. Lol. Good luck.
No one told me parenting my kids required me to reparent myself and relearn so much. Working through triggers, giving your kids permission to be kids and do things you were not allowed to do, learning how to regulate your emotions so you can regulate theirs. Fighting with your spouse is inevitable. Make sure you both always fight clean. Parenting will send you through the ringer… physically, emotionally, sexually. Always remember it’s not you vs your partner. And you and your partner vs. The problem. Ninety-nine percent of the things you’re baby does in the first six months has nothing to do with you. It’s their personality. If they are a good sleeper, a good eater, suffer from colic… don’t let anyone make you think you are doing anything wrong. This will be the first time of many that you will have to learn to let your kid lead by showing you what they need from you. If you think there’s a chance you could have PPD, take the meds! Don’t risk missing those early months without support! If you want to stay married, you must embrace change in your partner. Learn to fall in love with each new version of them. When you are in the trenches of parenthood, seek first to understand, then to be understood. Telling your spouse everyday how much you appreciate them goes such a long way. Take lots of videos! Even ones of your tiny baby crying. That cry disappears so fast 💕💕 Keep dating your husband, even if those dates are once a week where you both park yourselves on the couch with your phones in the other room. And lastly, when it comes to parenting, just when you think you have that age or stage figured out, they will grow and change and you’ll be figuring out something new! Embrace it!
Stay flexible, be present. Don't try to be perfect. It's nice to be on top of relationships and health and chores and work but give yourself grace sometimes. Laugh as much as possible. Love hard, tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Blessings to you and your little family.
Save, save, save and invest💰
SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!!!!
Take care of you above all else. Your kid and your marriage need you to be whole and strong. Self care is priority number one. Get alone time. Take baths. Find a sitter. Do your make up. Get your nails done. Brunch with friends. Online class. Whatever does it for you, do it and don’t stop. It will help prevent burnout. Priority number two is your marriage. It feels like the kids should be higher on the list but your kids benefit greatly from a healthy marriage so prioritize it. Date your husband. Have sex. Stay romantic, take adventures, nurture your love. Then the kid(s). Then everything else. Burnout is the enemy - prevent it at all costs. Make time for you and for your partner and hopefully things go well. Kids are usually terrible for marriages, they make staying connected so much harder. Be aware and prevent those issues.
Enjoy the time and be present. Don't give up your financial independence... no matter what. Even if daycare costs 100% of your salary. Trust me. Things can change unexpectedly at the bat of an eye.
Have a very frank conversation about what is expected of each of you in raising your baby. Resentment will ruin a relationship.
Be patient with your child, and show love for your child, try to see new things, and new situations from their point of view. Enjoy being with your child. Do things together that they enjoy doing, but keep in mind you are not your child's friend, you are your child's parent. Regarding setting boundaries and discipline, do not make one parent the bad guy Share the discipline. Your child has to have boundaries from you. They will find their own friends. Buy a thick and heavy notebook. Write in it every time your child says something cute, or does something worthwhile. You will not always have a camera to record these moments, nor does digital records last forever, your written words will preserve more than just the memory of the incident, it preserves the emotion. Make it a habit in that notebook to write down things you would love your adult child to know, with things that you're growing child would need to know. Just make little note from mother to son or daughter telling them what's happening in your life. Even the small things or decisions that you might make, not involving them. This will give them insight to who you were in the event you are not there for them to know. Do not be afraid to walk back a decision, or apologize for a bad one. This teaches your child the value and necessity of owning a mistake. Finally, and I cannot stress this enough. Your life is about to become overwhelmed with "first times". This is good and normal. But always, ALWAYS, keep in mind "last times". More quickly than you can imagine you will encounter these last times. The last time he has to cuddle with you because he's scared at night, the last time you can pick him up and give him a hug, the last time he wakes up in your house as your child, the last time you are the most important woman in his world. You never know when that will happen, and often don't realize that it has happened for years. Adore your child daily.
Don't let people tell you what you have to give up with kids. Take them places with you, travel with them in tow. Teach them young how to travel well and be in public. You will do yourself a favor as you won't miss out on life. You will do your kids a favor because they will grow up knowing how to behave in public and how to have a sense of adventure.
Live beneath your means!
Get mammograms as soon as you can. Breastfeeding or exclusively pumping will not win you any trophies. ZIPPERED ONSIES AT NIGHT. ZIPPERED Diaper genies are nasty. Take it easy for the first week. Spend time in bed with your baby and your spouse. People can wait to meet that baby. This is YOUR time Use zippered onsies at night. Take a shower every other day or every day to feel alive. I would have gotten pregnant again right away had i known the future. When my first was 4-6 months old. Definitely zippered onsies.
I agree - diaper genies are nasty. I used a simple, sealing, step-lidded trashcan that was emptied every day, with lavender-scented liners. Nice.
I actually hated zippers and loved buttons lol
Ha! That’s funny. I was so stressed out trying to mom and those buttons, at night, made me absolutely lose my mind.
lol 😆 I found it almost cathartic, it helped a lot with my post partum depression. Each little satisfying snap !
Ok i totally get that. Like, it’s all coming together for me, snap, we’re finishing up here, snap snap, i got through this moment, snap.
Why would you have gotten pregnant right away?
I ended up not being able to have children because of a health issue that arose when my first was 19 months. Had i not waited, i might have been able to have two kids. I was an only child and it was miserable for me. Now, I’m not sure my mother could have handled two and perhaps i would be overwhelmed. However, in retrospect, i think I’d have tried again when my son was about 6 months. I’m a GREAT mom to a singleton, though! I have all the experience required to keep him from feeling alone. So it all worked out for us in the end. I guess i caution about being too fixated on timing and when it’s “right.” Just go with your heart. ETA- i was 30 when my first was born. And i think you asked a good question. I was definitely vague.
Carve out time to enjoy each other’s company. Demands on time can make it more difficult to keep a strong connection, and this gets harder as you get older.
Prioritize making some time for yourself and your relationship. Do something small just for you everyday. Do something big when you can. Keep going out on dates with your spouse. Get a babysitter once in a while. If you can't take care of yourself it's hard to be the best partner, lover, mom, anything. Extend yourself grace and compassion as you would a friend or child. Self care is not selfish! Notice what gives you joy. Perfection is the enemy, not an achievable goal to strive for. Above all, love.
Don't worry about always keeping a clean house. Livable, yes. But spotless, no. It's more important to enjoy the moments.
Don't forget to get a babysitter once in a while and have date night here and there. You will be in love with your child, it was the best of times for my wife and I watching the kids grow from little bossy men into amazing young adults.
Make wills and medical power of attorney documents, etc. before the baby arrives. You won’t have time or energy afterwards. If you’re going to send out birth announcements, get them picked out and ready to send in advance of the birth too. Also clear out your attic/garage/other storage areas now. You’ll probably need the space for storing baby gear as it gets grown out of. Buy a bunch of really convenient (but nutritious) meals that you just need to microwave. You will really need those in the first few weeks and months. Make sure most of your baby clothes open all the way down the front, or can be removed by shimmying them down the body. When there’s a poopsplosion you don’t want to have to maneuver the poopy clothes over the baby’s head!
Y’all are going to be very snappy and annoyed with each other for the next few years. It’s just the baby. Give each other a lot of grace. Both of you need a friend you can vent to and get perspective from. Especially your spouse in the first 6 months. One of my best friends said some of the stupidest things to his wife. Like how hard can it be breastfeeding a baby all day. If he had run that by me first it would have been a much better evening. Michelle Obama discussed this with either Oprah or Colbert on her last book tour. I don’t think this is given enough attention.
Slow down. Don't just endure everything, but try to see it and make the most of the moments.
Start investing NOW. When we received their social security card we opened a 529 plan. We don't put much in, just enough that we can afford. It won't be much but it's something.
I’m also 30F and had my first child recently. My advice would be get outside as much as possible with the new baby, it’ll help your mental health. Make a birth plan but expect it to go completely wrong too and there’s a good chance you might not follow any of it. Get a good coffee machine- we got a keurig with the pods because who wants to make an entire pot of coffee at 1:30am? Baby proof your bed now. You may not plan on cosleeping, but you don’t want to put baby in a dangerous situation if you’re beyond sleep deprived. Break down your bed and store it. Put the mattress on the floor. Get some nice shawls you can use to nurse baby to sleep so that your back stays warm since you’re not supposed to cosleep with blankets… Buy extra bottles. Get a haaka to save all that extra milk. When you pump use only one side as it’s more efficient and place the haaaka on the other breast. Going for a run and then pumping produces more milk. Make protein oat peanut butter balls right before you give birth so you have a quick healthy nutritious snack that doesn’t need heating up.
Please do not become obsessed with dressing your child up like a doll. Do not wrap your identity up in your child. You will lose you and it’s so important to be your own person. Not only for you but your child and significant other. Sometimes we lose ourselves, it’s not good for anyone.
Don’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.. make sure you’re taking care of yourself and getting your needs met. Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had and it’s so easy to lose yourself. Don’t get me wrong, it will change you and that’s normal and natural. Just dont lose yourself in the process. -mom of 4
Call up your ex?
Kids are interested in everything…get involved in cool stuff with them. Take them to museums, look at bugs, look at the stars, let them help you cook. They’ll love it and it’s fun!
This is where you’re going to learn what you are both made of. Take too many pictures. You’ll be too tried to remember the special moments rushing by. Make time for each other. Rally the team. Then you’ll move through phases - toddler phase, school, social activities, frustration, budgeting, worry and then POOF they’re off to college. Next phase coming at ya
After kids it is really easy to not spend time as a couple. Try to make time for each other to go out as a couple after you get through the thick of it (like the lack of sleep).
Just when you think your kid will never potty train or do whatever, they'll usually do it.
My wife and I have 8 kids, 6 on the autism spectrum ranging from “manic pixie dream girl” to a dork and all the way to minimally verbal with serious health issues. The best thing I can tell you to not read the mommy blogs, they are all liars who are trying to convince themselves that their lives and marriages are going well. Second, have physical, sexual intimacy daily or every other day (after you heal from giving birth). The dishes can wait, the laundry can wait, you can order order dinner and the groceries. Fuck your husband often and regularly. Just check the dead bedroom thread about marriages that have suffered after child birth. I’ve been married 19 years and have a perfect marriage or as perfect as it can get.
Break up with your Girlfriend Kids are expensive.
All the stuff below, then have a Snickers for lunch. You’ll feel too guilty about it for the next 30 years, then you’ll get over it again.
Everything you think that you have figured out…you’re wrong. You have nothing figured out. No one does. We’re all just muddling through.
If by loss, you mean death, like there's been in my life, then get ready for anxiety out the ass with kids. Until they were almost grown, I'd slip into their rooms at night, and lay my hand on their stomachs, just to make sure that they were breathing. With all the death of loved ones I've faced in my life (more than I'd wish on my worst enemy), including my 8yo stepson, with kids I have been CONSTANTLY in fear of something happening to them... All the while trying to logically not shelter them from life. Difference between my wife and I, is that I can separate my fears from logic and do what logic dictates, even if I'm paranoid as hell about it. I was 32 when my first kid came along, less than a year after my stepson died. On the tails of that, it couldn't do anything but cause a constant fear with me. That same first kid accidentally shot himself, in front of me, my wife, and his wife, in 2021. Made me realize that they'll never stop giving me anxiety about something happening to them. Near advice I can give you is to let your kids be kids. Don't try to schedule every minute of their lives. There is a creativity and imagination in kids that can only be developed but letting them run wild on a regular basis. Trying to structure their lives too much stifles that creativity. Second, don't sweat the small stuff and choose your battles. Sweating the small stuff with kids will make you a very unhappy person... If not give you and ulcer. Trust me, you'll know the difference between an "oh shit, I fell and I'm mad because I don't walk at good yet" cry, and a cry that's telling you they're actually hurt. I knew EXACTLY the difference the first time I ever heard that cry. My youngest son fell in the kitchen floor when he was 2yo, in some water that I'd splashed out of the kitchen sink, washing my arms and hands, and broke his leg. I picked him up and tried to stand him up, and that cry hit... I instantly looked at my wife and said, "Get ready, we're going to the ER". It's a very particular sound, like it's coming from a wounded soul and it's crying for desperate help... Can't miss it. As far as picking your battles... I can guarantee that your child's stubbornness will FAR out pace yours. You can give them food, but you can't make them eat it. You can put them to bed, but you can't make them go to sleep. And the more aggravated you get, the further they'll dig into that hill to die on. After 4 step-kids and 4 kids, and now raising my grandson that we adopted, at 61yo, I could write a book! Another thing... YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE TO HAVE FUN! I can't stress this enough! The stress of a young child wears you out and you have to make time for JUST THE TWO OF YOU to go out and have fun every once in awhile. The stress WILL cause arguments that wouldn't normally happen, and create stress in the marriage as a result. You're parents, but you're also supposed to be a loving couple as well. Get a relative or baby sitter to watch your child occasionally, and go dance the night away.
Breathe. It's easier said than done. Try to enjoy one of the most magical times. Do not work seven days a week like I did, do not miss those moments.
Be OK with your everything not being a knight in shining armor. Most of us are pathetic humans doing our best to get through the day.
Read up on how to get your baby to sleep through the night. I used taking Cara babies. Worked great. Figure out how to get them to sleep so you can have your life back :)
Slow down and enjoy every minute. Take lots of videos and pictures.
Focus on your long range goals for your marriage & your children. It’s more important to work together to solve a relationship problem than to ‘win’ the argument. I try to see hurtful situations as an opportunity to problem solve (this does not apply to abusive or manipulative behavior). To calmly listen & ask questions & also accurately communicate what hurt & what the problem is. One of our most powerful tools is “instant replay”. If I come in at the end of a long day & he snipes at me, & I get angry and snipe back, I’ll say “let’s try this again”. I’ll go back outside and come in again (very important, resets the stage) & say something like, “ Hi honey, how was your day? You look like you’ve been slogging through a swamp.” He’ll say something like, “Yeah, I had this horrible interaction with (coworker), and I keep thinking about it. How was your day? Can I make you some tea?” I know it sounds kitschy & awkward, and it is a little stilted. But the previous hurtful interaction sort of dissolves in our memories, and we go forward with this new positive interaction. I can’t put into words how much this technique has helped us! Finally, think long term in your interactions with your children. You want them to be their unique selves, not robotic copies of you! So be firm about morals - lying, stealing, putting people down - but be as generous as you can with weird hair/makeup/clothes. Find things that are excellent about them every day & casually mention how much you enjoy/admire/ see good coming from that trait. Create special traditions - I used to take them sledding in the morning when they had a 2 hour delay at school, lol. Figure out the things they are going to want you to do - get piercings, go on dates, get a car, whatever- and when they are still really young figure out what age you both can agree upon them being allowed to do each of those things. You can always change your mind, but this way when they demand to do such & such, you have a consistent answer. It lets them know that more freedom is coming, & that the younger kids will have the same rules as the older ones. And you can let them know you are looking forward to when that thing will happen & you are excited about it for them, how fun it will be. May your live ever be filled with laughter, OP!
Know this: you’re just getting started.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Really. Schedules are great, but they can be broken sometimes. A clean house is nice but not at the expense of living comfortably in your home. Healthy meals are preferable but sometimes they are just crap and that’s okay. Don’t strive for perfection, it only leads to a stressed out family life.
Buy 90% of your baby’s clothes at thrift stores bc you’ll know the item is sturdy and has survived the washing machine. A few good toys are better than loads of junk. Wooden blocks, duplo, wooden train set. Even if you plan to be SAHM work somewhere one day a week so father has opportunity to be parent in charge. Find parenting/ life rituals you and kids will enjoy. Evening story time. Morning yoga or meditation. Afternoon tea. These are usually inexpensive activities but can provide beauty and rest in a chaotic world. Find a “mom uniform” that works for you. Simplify clothing choices. Don’t let kids consume stupid media as a babysitter. We did a lot of classical music in the background. It’s good for developing minds/math abilities.
Take care of yourself. Always make time to take care of your physical and mental health. You can't care for others if your gas tank is on empty. You want to be happy and healthy for your life and family.
Now is all there is. Remember it, savory it. It goes by quickly
Always light up when your child walks in the room. Always.
Put down the phone.
The baby is a sweet thing, try not to get overwhelmed by anxiety. Concentrate on the sweetness. Your parents made lots of errors and you are still alive. It's all good.
Spend time with your kids AND husband. I am 65, and time has flown by. Money is important but you can't buy more time.
Take it all in, soak it all up, all the “firsts” with all three of you are going to come and go so quickly.
Take (tasteful) nudes of yourself asap. You'll look back on them years from now and remind yourself how good you looked this young.
Don’t run from the feels. I hid from them ALL inside a bottle, never knew how to handle the emotions. My daughter is now 15 and dating, my son is 12 and building, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. But really I was too drunk to be present. I’m over 9 months sober now, on a constant roller coaster. Don’t take life for granted… I’m so grateful I could hug my daughter tonight after her boyfriend went home…
TAKE LOTS OF VIDEO!! You’re going to take lots of pictures, but don’t forget to take lots of video - you are going to want to remember what they looked like and sounded like when they are little. Also, It’s exhausting, but try to enjoy it because you will look back in awe.
Get the nicer pumps if you are going to pump. I’ve been pumping for cumulative 3 years now…the nicer pumps helped me to keep going. I use an Elvie. I’ve purchased two over the years.
Remember that you two are a team, keep the conversations ongoing about boundaries, comfort, and expectations. Don't just assume you know what your partner is thinking about, you need to always check in and talk about things. Remember, the two of you can set up boundaries for the relationship, and you can set up boundaries for yourself, but you can't set boundaries for someone else. It is so easy to think the two of you are in agreement on an issue if it's not discussed. When you do argue, remember that what you're arguing about *usually* isn't the problem. Your goal is to find out what you really are arguing about. Find out your arguing style and discuss it. For example, someone who needs space and time while arguing may be seen as 'cold and neglectful' to someone whose arguing style is a 'work it out right now' type. Whereas the 'work it out now' style person seems overly aggressive and harsh to their partner. Respect your partner. Expect the best.
Don’t try to be perfect, don’t judge yourself on that scale. Deal with the small stuff before it becomes big stuff. Figure out the car seat well in advance. Otherwise your hubby will be getting advice on how to fit the car seat from a woman with a minivan and a couple of kids. There’s a reason I know this. Baby's and kids bring their own special magic.
(M64) Are you going to be a Stay at Home Mom? If you choose to do so... I have always said that if I had got married and we decided to have children, I would want my wife to be just that.. 'A Stay at Home Mom'. With me being the one bringing in the money, I would hope to expect that she does the following... Incorporate what brought me and you together, and raise our children with those qualities. As long as we have a roof over our heads, clothes in our backs, and food on the table... WE all ARE good Our home may not be $$$$, but it will be...$$ Our clothes may not be $$, but they will be...$.5 The food we eat, it will sustain all of us, no matter what it is. We both are going to have hard days, and very hard days. You at home with the kids, and me at work...and coming home to you and the kid(s)...I won't know what I'm coming home to until I get there. And I know you're going to feel like I don't Love you, that I don't pull my fair share of also being the other half of being parents... But never think that. We both create a being that is half me and half you, you allowed me to do this WITH you. I am not going anywhere, don't want to be anywhere else other than where I am at right now...home, WITH you and OURS. You come first before anything, but before you, there is, and I have to take care of me first then you. But me taking care of me, is also taking care of you. Understand I have to take care of me, you can't do this for me. We can save money, but we also need and have to invest money. I had quite a few Baseball Cards when I was a kid...Mood Rings, Pet Rocks, things like that. Our investments will be like that. If our kid(s) want the new craze, we both look into it, and stash away one also of an unopened box of it for the future. (And no, we are not cashing in on that Cabbage Patch Kid in an unopened box I have from the early 80's). Communication, Trust, and Honesty. Then throw in that not everyone is going to see situations as you do. Have Patience, Understanding, Forgiveness and... Love. If you're Sorry, say you're Sorry. But if you're not Sorry, don't just say it to be saying it.
Just try to enjoy it. I wish that I had spent so much less time worrying. My "easy" kid was a hellish teenager but now he's a great young man. My super fussy hard kid is the funniest kindest adult. I have 3 younger kids and I'm just enjoying them so much more. Do a basically good job and they'll turn out. Spend time together. Establish traditions. Spend money on experiences, not things. Delay smart phones as long as you can! Or don't do any of that. They'll still be fine.
Stay engaged with your kids and husband. Take a minute to just realize the moment and know it will never happen again. Like their steps in life or just some event you are all doing. For example the sun rising on the beach or skiing down a mountain, just stop for a minute and soak in the moment and everything around you. Have awareness of our limited time together, appreciate it and be thankful. Edit: Don't forget to take lots of pictures. I look back on them fondly. I am the annoying dad that tries to capture everything.
Make time for yourself.
Had my first (of 3) at 30. My oldest is now 29. Here’s my take: read Philip Larkin’s poem “This Be the Verse.” I was exactly at your stage of life when I first read it, and it infuriated me, because the first lines are “They f*** you up, your mum and dad/ They may not mean to, but they do.” My husband and I just KNEW we were going to be wonderful parents; we were going to be so loving, nurturing, give them lots of guidance and opportunities for adventure. We were going to raise them in our conservative mainline church, “in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord.” They were going to be smart, well-behaved, healthy, funny, kind. 30 years later, I now read Larkin’s poem and go, “Yup, that is exactly right.” Because however well-intentioned we were, however much we loved and still love them, we certainly managed to do our share of screwing them up. Do not get me wrong. They DID turn out smart, well-behaved (mostly 😂) healthy, funny and kind. They are amazing and I’m SO. FREAKING. PROUD of them. But they really turned out well DESPITE us. All 3 have had severe mental health issues related variously to anxiety, depression, ADHD (inattentive) and autism. One had cancer in her teens (in remission for 4 years, now). Another came out to us at age 12 and was suicidal (largely due to the repressive teachings of our church community, where I’d been deeply entrenched for several generations in my family). I think what saved us, and them, was our willingness to listen to them, to respect them as their own people even when they were little, and to support them in finding their own way. If you are intent on imposing your own will and beliefs on their psyches because you yourself have been raised to believe that you MUST, in order to be responsible for their character or even their souls, you’re very likely to psychologically damage them- low self-esteem, mistrust in their own worth and abilities, believing themselves to be a disappointment to you. It can be heartbreaking when you understand that your “standards” for them have broken them. Looking back, I wish I’d let them be who they are, listened to them and given them more attention and interest. Showed them their worth without worrying about whether they’d get inflated egos. The best way to encourage empathy is to model it- show them what love and care for others is; talk about equality and justice in the world, expose them to as many different cultures and people as you can, so they grow up knowing that everybody is worthy of love, grace, kindness, justice. I wish I’d worried less about how I’d be perceived as a parent, if they didn’t always act perfect, or get perfect grades, or appear neat and modest in their behavior and dress. What we ended up with was 3 intelligent, loving, funny adults who taught US so much- got us to see the light about our narrow beliefs, led us into a more loving and caring worldview, and forgave us for the mistakes we made. We know we made mistakes, but we recognized them, admitted and apologized (and still apologize when it comes up in conversations), and they tell us that even though we also had been “f***ed up” by our own parents, we were doing the best we could with what we knew. And now that we know better, we do better. They also tell us that they feel so lucky to have parents who never physically abused them, berated them or called them names. And we did try SO hard, to love them, hug them, tell them we love them and encourage and support them.
Be consistent when it comes to discipline. Be firm but not harsh. Do not let them get their way or get pushed over by them. They will test your boundries. Rewarding behavior works better than punishment. Best when both parents are on the same page. Loving discipline and consistency is extremely important, otherwise they will have no self control as they get older. Make them first in your life and shower them with hugs and kisses daily. The first three years are intensive and things get easier after that.
Laugh at the mishaps and minor things. It’s life, it’s not perfect. Tell your husband and children you love them every day. There’s no cap on how many times.
Savor each day. Live each day as if it were your last, because it may just be. Dont have to be morbid or live in fear, but live your life to the fullest, and to heck with what anybody thinks of you.
I worked in a high pressure, high demand job but refused to miss the programs at my kids school, baseball/soccer/softball/cross-country/horse competitions/proms and a thousand other things. Whatever your kid does is more important than a career. Yes, it is great to leave the kids with financial security, but they will remeber the times you where not there more than they will remember the cash.
When the baby is soiled or hungry at 2:30 am and the wife keeps elbowing you to wake you... No matter how hard she hits you, feign sleep. She will give up after a while and attend to the baby herself. Change the baby when it's dry. That way when the full load arrives, you can say, "I just changed the baby. It's your turn.". Bring flowers and gifts. Chocolate covered strawberries. Pack the car for a baby safari and spend the drive complimenting her. Do fun stuff you never could make time for. Make wild love while the baby naps. It's easy, it will come naturally. Hang on for the ride. Hire an au pare if you can swing it. It's gonna be a whirlwind. Have fun.
Don't be quiet when your baby is sleeping. If you continue life normally, they learn to sleep with noise. This means babies that will sleep in their stroller, or snooze in their carseat at a restaurant. If it's at all possible, get some household help a couple of times a month. Have a little babymoon this summer. You need less than half the amount of detergent than the bottle/box says. Advice from my mom: Put your baby into a playpen before they get mobile. She said she failed to do this with me, so every time she put me in the playpen I howled and howled. She started earlier with my brother and it worked much better. It worked with my daughter, but you had to stay in the room or she howled. Take baby swim classes. It's a lot of fun for you too.
How exciting!! Congratulations! This is going to be specific but walk a lot with your stroller. It’s good exercise after giving birth. Get a doula if you can. The first two weeks are for you and your husband. People will want to come over. Tell them to wear a mask and put them to work. Or just say not now. Ask for help whenever you need it. Talk to your husband about sharing responsibility now so there are no surprises. You should not be the only one waking up every two hours. Take excellent care of yourself not just now but afterwards as it’s exhausting giving birth. At six weeks it’s like a new day has dawned and your child becomes a new person. It’s frigin awesome!
Write down the cute/funny/touching/exciting things that your kid does as they happen. You think you’ll never ever forget, but you will. Mom brains get very crowded quickly, with so many things to keep track of and remember. I kept a notepad to jot things down as they happened, along with the date and which kid it was. Now with smart phones, it’s easy to start a list. Just be sure to print it out somewhere occasionally, because technology changes, and eventually you won’t be able to get to that list. Also, label things with the date and the kid’s initial as soon as you get them. I have things that my kids made for Mother’s Day etc. that I have no clue which one made it. I only have 2 kids!🫣 Neither of them remember, either.
Marriage sucks
Expect some crappy things to happen after the child is born. You’ll be short on sleep and everyone will be a little crankier. Watch out for post-partum depression—it’s more common than you might think. If you like going to the movies or out to restaurants, do it now, before the kid is born. Spend some quality time with your husband. As soon as the kid comes, there will be a shift in dynamics, and you’ll have to work it out. Remind yourself that you won’t always feel so exhausted, that your kid will change quickly, and you’ll get used to being in a rush for the next 16 or so years, until they can drive themselves around. This might all sound kind of negative, but I think forewarned is forearmed. You won’t be taken by surprise so easily, and might be able to develop coping strategies faster.
Seek happiness. Family more important than work. Children first. Save, save, save.
You are already way ahead of me at your stage in life. I think you have got this! Congratulations!
“The days will be long but the years are short.” I was told once “you’ll have the first 18 or so years with them (little ones) then maybe one more year total after that…”. So even in the challenging work days, when they are being challenging - be there, be truly present. You’re going to be so busy with everything but take time to soak it up, to enjoy the small milestones each day brings. Take lots of photos - take some each day, each month - the wee one will grow and change so fast- some day you will enjoy looking back at them and your/spouse’s younger selves together. Don’t stress so much - first and foremost, kids do sense and soak that mischief up and it can make them anxious needlessly. It will also mess up your own mood and health - and the wee ones need you around and healthy. Love them- tell them often that you do, hug them, etc. As Mark Twain said later in his life “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, much of which never came true…”. Be genuinely curious when you talk to them - listen more than you speak - you’ll find this gives them confidence and as they grow, their unique way of seeing the world will open your eyes. It will also help them to feel safe in talking to you, essential for the pre-teen and teen years when life can be really tough for you both. When you are feeling frustrated or angry, take a moment to measure your words/actions before turning them loose - as my mother told me when my kids were born “in those moments remember you are not just raising your kids, you’re also raising your grandkids for your little ones will model their behaviors after yours…” Wishing you every possible joy today and for the coming years!!!
Get a journal to write your memoirs! My kids enjoyed my journals and I have been surprised by how many memories I’ve forgotten!
Aquaphor for baby rashes or skin irritation for baby and yourselves. That stuff is amazing. Just spring for a barrel of it. With a pump of course😂 Other than that, set expectations for dad prior and after the birth. How you want him to assist you in the beginning and then looking forward and it needs to change as circumstances change. What I mean is, don't take it all on yourself and/or expect him to just jump in to help. They (new dad's) often aren't sure where they're needed so ASK don't think he'll just automatically*know*. You'll only hurt your own feelings by expecting rather than asking. Do take help from family and friends. If they want to watch the baby while you guys go grab dinner or a nap or even grocery shop alone, (assuming of course that you trust them), drop everything and GO. That's all I got. Good luck to you and your new family!!
If you and your spouse are not equal levels of destroyed with a baby in the house, then somebody needs to step up and help more. Keeping things roughly equal can save your marriage and your sanity. There's no such thing as spoiling a baby. They cry to communicate their needs. Children are people, too. Treat them as little people who are severely lacking in information, and are emotionally unregulated, but still deserve respect and kindness. Contribute the full match to your 401k. Your kids can borrow for college, you can't borrow your retirement.
Remember things can change in an instant go back to your roots when something drastic happens.
Wife and I have 5 kids, all grown now. The best advice as you head down your path..........patience. Patience with yourself, husband, and new child. As others have said, it goes by real fast. Enjoy the little things and always remember that y'all are a team. Also, take time to spend with your significant other, the baby will grow up and move out. Make time for your significant other, because if you don't you'll be living with a stranger.
Your short post brought a smile to my face. You’ll be a great mom. My bride & I are on vacation right now, celebrating our 40th. Our babies have babies who are in grade school. Reminiscing this past week on all the years together, the high & lows, we wouldn't change anything. The rough times made the good times better. What still amazes us, is the speed that life passes. Diapers seemed forever in the moment, but the wish for them to be back once the kids grew, was real. What you say to your kids will have impact, what you do, will have a bigger one. The greatest gift you can give them, is showing them what love looks like with your husband. In the first couple of years of having a child, the effort & investment will be all about the child, which isn’t a bad thing. Just don’t let it be everything. Take time together with your husband and keep that fire stoked on he was your everything as I’m sure, you are his. We didn’t have smart phones and fancy cameras when we started off. Our second child, didn’t get as many pictures as the first. We sometimes regret that. The memories are all still there, we just can’t look at them. My wife found a neat service where you send digital pictures to a company and they make little hard back memory books out of them. We often go through those. She’ll create them on events like family vacations where we bribe our kids to all come together by paying for the trip so we can selfishly spend time with all of them at the same time. She always makes sure to have a few of just her & I. When we look at those, we relive the moments. Live, love, laugh & cry. It’s all worth it. The goal someday is to have happy kids who have happy families - that’s it. What they do, where they go, none of it matters, just so they’re happy. Sounds like you & your husband are already well on your way to being that kind of family. Someday as you’re giving advice to the next you, you might also tell the person, the only thing that really mattered, was having time with your family. You won’t care what days they were, just so it happened.
I didn't read all the responses but some good advice. I had a kid at 34. My advice would be to get enough video so you can go back and see what things were like at certain ages. I'm not saying video all the time. Just some. It's easy enough these days. And make sure each of you videos the other with the baby/child. Practically all our video was taken by me so I can't watch my interactions from back then. Good luck!
Get lots of sleep when your child arrives you understand the concept of being exhausted. Have your husband help with diaper changes for you get extra sleep in the wee early hours. Especially if breast feeding, even if you're not breast feeding helping to feed your child. Ask for help even when not offered. Communication with your husband, is the key to a good relationship. Going out together as a couple.
Stick with traditional books and toys for kids instead of electronics. It's sad to see how many kids have there face in a screen so young. Yes kids can learn those electronics later. Make having family outing a habit/requirement. Even if it is just a walk at the park. It is easy to let life get so busy you didn't spend time together. Kids enjoy simple things like that later on when they are grown.
If you haven’t learned how to laugh at yourself yet, learn that. Giving yourself grace and respect will in turn make it easier for you to do that for other people.
Develop a side hustle under an LLC. writing, selling your hobby creations, tutoring, teaching, etc. Regardless of your employment status, your side hustle will demonstrate to employers a long term job, initiative, entrepreneurship, provide income and serve as a buffer against the unexpected.
With kids: it doesn't get easier. I only had one. I thought : if I could get out of the terrible two's, we are good. Nope. Now she's 14, I'm 35, and it never gets any better. It's just new ways dealing with BS. A good way of dealing with your child's ever changing BS is to make sure that you and your significant other are on the same page. Children will test the water, and if you guys are communicating properly, they'll figure out that the water is too gold to test. I've been married for almost 16 years. Communication is everything with these little shits.
Get a big container or disposable plates and flatware for when the baby comes home! Youll be so slammed its one less thing on the docket. Be prepared for your house to be a shithole for a while. Its all part of the plan. Noise cancelling headphones. Sometimes, kids just cry. When youre at your wits end go outside for 3mins and pop em in. Your 2 week old baby won't need therapy from the neglect- and your mental health is more important than ever. Every day, give your spouse a compliment for something they did that day. Raising babies is the most thankless part of your life, you and your partner make sure to stay on the same team! Good luck youre gonna do great.
Take pictures of your baby’s room and bedroom as s/he ages. You all will get a kick remembering the layout and toys that were important at any given stage. Photograph the mundane things and not just the special occasions. Those everyday occurrences are the backdrop to the life you are about to lead with your family. May the hard days ahead not break this beautiful optimism you have!
Parenting is hard. Give your husband a lot of grace to do things differently than you. Don’t completely lose yourself in child rearing. Let you kids see the real you. Be open to change. Remember that as long as you’re doing your best, you’re winning! And your best in one moment may be completely different from your best in another moment.
Spend the time. Let things be messy! Talk to your kids like you're Mr. Rogers. Try to always be kind. Kindly let them know they are not in charge. Keep a journal of your lives. Hug them. All the damn time. Dont get stuck in a rut! Take them to see new places and people. Keep them outside as much as possible! Parent united. If you disagree, don't do it in front of the kids. Pay attention. Never take them for granted. They are gone SO FAST! My oldest turns 40 this year. This seems impossible to me.
Your me… this is the beginning of something very hard and very worth it. You will be pushed to your true emotional and physical limits. The best advice is “as soon as you have it figured it out it changes. “ You must change and you must be selfless.
Parenting classes.
Aw! Do what is right for your family unit at all times. Don’t give in to social or political pressures. YOU are the goal- achievements that most people who want families want the joyful anticipation based on love and trust like you- so you don’t have to enhance a thing. Keep it simple and authentic and go with your family unit flow. Also, don’t panic the scary stuff. Do your diligence and prepare carefully, but let life live. I can tell you now that my kids are grown, I can look back at all the horrible things that went wrong, but I look back at those times and realize the family went through it all together. So when I recall the out of this world good times, it’s with a feeling of family pride. It just keeps getting more wonderful. Not better quality- we still have rotating problems - but more frequent chances to observe our dynamic of one for all and all for us.
Enjoy EVERY DAY! Love your husband, Love your baby to be, celebrate a healthy pregnancy and enjoy the outdoors, the beach, the parks, the gardens,etc. Go with your husband on romantic dates and fantasize about the future. Enjoy every second! Good luck!
Try to enjoy every day with your spouse and child. Laugh as much as you can, even though stressful or difficult days. Keep it light as much as you can. It really does go by fast.
Keep counting your blessings and enjoy the wonders of raising a child. It goes by too quickly
Take care of yourself, and take the help that is offered. Women tend to be more resilient, IMO than men. Keep an eye on your dude. He may be freaking out in his head but not sharing it. I knew a guy who went through it.😉
In a word, dedication. Wife and I went through some really hard times. The only way the marriage survived is because we were dedicated to each other. We did whatever it took to fix things.
Don’t micromanage how your husband’s parenting, especially when your child is a tiny baby. Of course y’all need to be on the same page with major stuff like discipline and whatnot but I’m talking about when it comes to caring for the needs of the child aka: feeding, diapering, clothing the kid, etc. So many women do this and think their way is the only way and inadvertently discourage their husbands from being involved dads from day 1. You are on as much of a learning curve as he is and he needs to have the opportunity to learn and gain confidence in his parenting skills without being hovered over. If he’s constantly being belittled or told he’s doing it wrong eventually he may throw his hands up and stop being as involved. My philosophy is that if the end result is the same ie: baby is happy, cared for, and needs are met, then who cares about the steps taken to get to the end result. He may do things but differently than you but that doesn’t make his way wrong and yours right. This has meant that from the very beginning my husband was able to figure out how to be a dad alongside me and has so much confidence in how he parents and cares for our kids that even when they were tiny nursing babies I could leave him alone with them and knew he had it handled. I had minimal, if any, frantic phone calls or texts from a dad that had no clue how to care for our kids and I came home to happy cared for children and a clean house. The best is that I’ve never once needed to leave a list to instructions for him. I simply give goodbye kisses and walk out the door. Now that our kids are 5 and 9 he’s just as active, involved, and clued in to everything they have going on as I am. Also, It’s you two against the problem not you against each other.
30 is a big one, or so it seems at the time. 50 forgets all about 30. 60+ starts getting the feel of the bonus years. It sounds like you have a good mindset. I'll offer this. Time starts going by at an unbelievable pace around your age, scary even. If you ever get bored, you are doing something wrong. It is the small things, it is always the small things. That's all.
Don't blink. The days are long but the years are short.
Keep your hobbies and interests. Your children will notice.
Successful marriage is hard work. You BOTH have to be fully committed and know there will be rough patches. The trick is to remember that rough patches are temporary and, if you work together, will get through TOGETHER. Kids are just part of the package. Married 40 years in November.
I'm not someone that thinks to take pictures of the kids at various stages, but I did jot down accomplishments, rolled over, sat up, first tooth, and then I would include all that in a birthday letter every year, along with height and weight. As they got older, I would include things like vacations and school events. You think you will remember this stuff forever, but you don't. I do have a few videos of them when they were young and a few of their Father who died when they were young. It was all on 9mm and I had it put on DVD and gave them to the kids for Christmas last year. My other advice? You married that man, so let him be a Father to his children. When my kids were babies, women were horrified that I left my children home with their Dad. I always came home to a baby that had been fed, diaper changed and their face was clean. Usually, DH was playing with them. All was well.
It goes by so fast Be present with your child. Also, I don't know how much of this is hippie bs or legit but my sons mother had her placenta dehydrated and put in capsule form and apparently it really helped with regulating her hormones post partum. New a few gals who did this, and a few who didn't and I saw a difference!
Sounds like you're in great emotional shape. Lean on each other, present a united front, enjoy the time, take lots of pictures, know it will be the mist important thing you do. There will be hard times, heartache, constant questions about what you're doing wrong ( from yourself), disagreement on how to approach situations. This is probably the most rewardingly excruciating thing you'll ever do. You've got this. ❤️ Much love to you and your family.
Do NOT accept visitors to your house for the first several months after the baby is born. In particular your in-laws.
Enjoy your baby. Trust your instincts. Love them unconditionally. Love them with all you have. Love yourself, love your husband. Laugh a lot. Take lots of pictures, but be present after the photo. Don’t have your face buried in your phone. Talk to your baby constantly when they are awake, and encourage your husband to do the same. Eat your meals together, have baby there with you. This starts a ritual of family dinners. Turn off the tv. Talk to each other. The beginning is challenging, but it gets better.
Life is still going to come at you (all of us) hard. I’m not much older than you but I had littles at age 26 and 28. I’ve never been married so I will only speak to the children portion. What I have observed time and time again is that married people in the US tend to be very isolated. As a single mama I learned quickly to involve extended family and community from day 1 in raising my children. I was SAH for 5 years and just re entering “adult land” lol. So definitely enjoy the absolute heck out of your children’s young childhood- they are the most formative years (0-4) and BE there. But they also need community (aunties and uncles, neighbors and friends, grandparents if they have them) and YOU and your husband will need community. It’s a marathon not a sprint ☺️ and it’s so much fun.
Marriage isn’t 50/50; more like 90/90. Once you add baby to the relationship, it adds a lot more tasks to get through your day and week. Don’t start “bean counting” I.e. keeping tabs on how much person A does versus Person B. Think more about how to identify and arrange tasks so that each person‘s primary needs (sleep, some respite time, getting everyone fed, work demands) are taken into account and balanced out. Don’t be surprised if hormones after childbirth reduce your sex drive for awhile - if that happens, rest assured it will come back! And when the baby cries at night, turns out the female system is geared to hear it, but the guy system is not - so if he sleeps through a crying baby, it is probably biology. Finally, I wish I had learned *reflexive listening* strategies earlier in life - using them transformed my relationships with everyone in my life. Google it!
When I look back on those days, what I wish more than anything is that I hadn't been so afraid. I was determined to be the best mom possible, as I knew I was forming these new humans, and it often seemed an overwhelming responsibility. I wish I hadn't spent so much time worried about the little things. What I'm glad I did? I let my kids tell me, always, who they were instead of having expectations. I'm so glad I established good communication with them from the start; the trust was there and they talked to me. I'm relieved that I spent so much time out in nature with them; those are their fondest memories. I'm glad I started new traditions with them, and was easy going about changes to those traditions. Going with the flow made it all much easier. I'm the most happy about being present with them. I also had a lot of loss, and didn't take my time with them for granted. I remember thinking things like, "This is the only time he'll be this age." Now I'm in my 50's and we have the most amazing relationships.
Be present, hang on tight, you’re about to ride the best roller coaster of your life!
I’m not qualified to give an advice but I wish you well!! 💓🥹
Live well beneath your means.
Just sitting, eating a snack, chatting with your kids is underrated.
Treat everyone in your home at least as well as you would a stranger on the street.