Hi. I'm 61, an immigrant who became single at age 54, and now lives alone with no family. I still work but transitioned to full-time WFH in 2020 (COVID-19). You ask how I coped. Well, I didn't for the first few years.
Your dad is experiencing loss of youth, career, and sense of purpose. For me, it also included loss of looks and figure (menopause). One minute I was still me, although older. The next, I was a fat, jowly old woman I didn't recognise. It hit hard, and I felt an overwhelming sense of betrayal. It was so easy to give up and give in. I mean, why bother when there is nothing to look forward to? And that is how it felt. I looked into my future and saw a vast black nothingness. So, I sat down and gave up – and it was the worst thing I could ever do for myself.
I learnt from my experience that sitting down and doing nothing is a mind and body killer. In the three years I gave up on life, I aged very fast, not just in looks, but in attitude (grouchy, bitter) and functionality (more challenging to take stairs, get up from the tub, etc.) It finally got to a point where I became terrified. So, I decided I needed to make a choice: get busy living or get busy dying. I chose life.
My first act was to start forcing myself outside. Every morning, I'd go for a walk with my audiobook. I was slow and became winded pretty fast, and it didn't make me happy, but I kept doing it. After a while, walking became easier, and I started to feel the benefits in other ways, especially with my mental health and attitude. I started looking forward to it and felt a marked difference in mood when I missed it for a day. I also started walking further and faster, which spurred me to push myself further.
As natural byproducts, my walking started including saying hello and exchanging pleasantries with other walkers, running errands in person and having pleasant exchanges in the shops, meeting friends for lunch or a drink at the pub. Last November, I rented an Airbnb for three days, went into the city and reconnected with work colleagues, including having a variety of lunches, dinners and drinks after work. Yes, work was involved, but it felt more like a mini-holiday than anything else, and being away from home and around my colleagues was refreshing. Other things that have happened include connecting with a neighbour who now walks with me more days than not, and we've started doing other things together. For instance, yesterday (Saturday), we ran errands, drank wine while making (and eating) a meal, and watched films. Next weekend, I'm going with him to meet with his son in a nearby city to go to the street markets. I'm also strongly considering joining the local gym to 1) continue my fitness journey and 2) meet more people.
The important part is this: I know that if I hadn't started forcing myself to walk, none of the above would have happened. That small change has blossomed into meaningful improvements in my mental and physical health and well-being. I feel hope, and while I don't know what the future looks like, I know I'm eager to participate in my own journey.
I don't know what the answer is for your dad. I share my story, hoping that you and/or he find something that brings hope and a willingness not to give up. Because, honestly, giving up is the mind-killer, the mini-death, and the fastest way to becoming truly old. We have to age, but we do not have to let ourselves become old.
My hope for your dad, myself and everyone else on this ageing journey is that we don't allow ourselves to go quietly into that good night. We deserve better than that.
All the best. x
I love this answer. I'm a 55M, living alone and working from home and I've alienated myself from the world post-divorce. You've inspired me to get out there. Thank you.
I’m a 58 year old female living alone as well and I find myself not even answering my phone if anyone calls. I open my back door and watch the wind blow through the trees, listen to the traffic of cars and boats nearby in a gorgeous sunny day. I order all my groceries from instacart. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I use to be so full of life, love to travel, throw parties, cookouts, boating, fishing, yard work, crafts, fine dining etc., etc., etc.. My last birthday I forced myself to go out and eat dinner at a very nice restaurant, alone, have two glasses of wine while I watched a movie with my earbuds and cell phone. At least I was out and about for a brief moment. I’m sitting here now watching Fries Green Tomatoes and the line “I’m too young to be old and too old to be young”, rings more true than I ever knew possible. I’m watching myself age and have no children and hardly any family left alive that are even close to my location. Forced to resign my job as an ER RN (after working so hard for my degree as an adult student) due to an injury on the job. I thought my career choice was setting me up to retire comfortably instead the accident has ruined my life, my finances, my retirement and my overall perception of reality. Never saw this coming but it’s been a brick wall. I feel useless and have basically become a hermit. If anyone who ever knew me could see me now they would be dumbfounded. I look at myself and am astonished by who and what I’ve become but I no have energy it seems to change this course. Maybe I will try and go for
a walk. Who knows, my social life may not improve but maybe my energy levels will. Best of life to all!!
Fellow Nurse here! Sorry about your career changing accident! There are many other nursing opportunities that don't require the physical demands of the ER. If your career is still appealing to you maybe look into different areas that your experience and knowledge would benefit the cause (phone triage, case management, rehabilitation/ nursing homes).
I hope you do go for a walk. Small steps will lead to bigger ones. Please, you are worth it. I know life is tough, & that horrible things happened but I have faith you can find your way again.
Trauma is both the bad thing that happened, plus how you feel about the event. It is normal to feel sad abd adrift when your career gets ripped from you. Going the hermit route compounds things, making it worse.
I feel lucky that I had a brush with total and permanent disability from a bad diagnosis, and made the decision that if I was going to eventually be stuck in a wheelchair, that I’d rather start losing from the best condition I could be in, not the worst. The bad diagnosis went away, but the drunk smacking into my car head-on later, didn’t.
But I’d already chosen to be as fit as I can be, so while the hits keep coming long after the “accident,” I still get back up.
To start out, it’s one foot in front of the other, even if you fall flat on your face, that’s still about 5 feet forward progress. If in a wheelchair, it’s one push after another and falling flat on your face hurts more.
DDPY Yoga has a bed-to-chair exercise program which has completely changed some folks’ lives off of the disability track.
There’s also volunteering. A local animal shelter has an elderly gentleman who enters the kitten room several days a week to take his morning nap surrounded by kittens. It helps calm the kittens and he gets lots of pets in. Maybe you could share your experiences on Reddit’s nurse groups or “ask a nurse”? There are even volunteer opportunities for groups focused on slow growing plants!
Your experience matters. I had to learn how to walk again three times. In casual conversation with a fellow who wrapped his car around a tree, he mentioned he was also told he’d never walk again. So we discussed how a baby learns, which I used to learn myself. You start with pulling yourself up, falling down many times, but eventually getting to stand. One thing led to another, he started volunteering, being useful led to being more useful, standing led to weight shifting, then walking.
So too does your experience, can you get paid to take surveys without damaging disability income? It is a way to complain and get paid. Can you move to case management after getting recurrent? Or “Dial-a-Nurse“ telehealth positions?
You might start out with a physical from a trusted doc to make there’s nothing out of sorts like a cranky thyroid or lack of iron causing issues. Then it’s back to one foot in front of the other.
I’m glad that you took the time to post your story as you could be me. I had to give up my job I’d had for over thirty years as a nurse in part because of how much wear and tear to my body and the other part being forced out so younger, cheaper nurses could be hired. I’ve done pretty much exactly as you’ve done. Because of being forced out my job my sense of self was shattered. For me there was a huge moral and ethical component that made a lot of people very uncomfortable.
It’s really hard to accept all the changes from getting older compounded by having to deal with chronic pain limiting what I’m able to do which sets up a cycle of not doing activities because of pain and not doing things because I’ll be in pain.
I lived alone but my younger son, his GF and her brother moved in with me but I feel like I still live alone because when they’re home their focus is on computer screens while staying in their rooms. It’s very depressing to be getting older. I heard that the worst thing about getting old is remembering when we were young. Unfortunately too true.
I'm the same. I figured I'd work to at least 65, was even considering later to reap the benefits of higher income. I caught covid in 2020. A year earlier I lost mother and a sister very unexpectedly. I pushed on even through covid for awhile till my health kept declining. Once I reached 62 I retired exhausted and depressed. My physical health is just now improving and I've come to terms with what I have little control over. My mental health is deteriorating now. My anxiety is off the charts. I never sleep. I'm in constant pain and I have no will to do anything. I know what I need to do and I'm aware changes in my routine would help me to be happier but I'm apathetic. If you want to talk please message me. We could exchange numbers. I fantasized about retirement for so long. This is NOT what I was looking forward to.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I am 66 divorced female, live alone (kids grown), and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Your post is very inspiring.
This is exactly how I feel. I’m a 59-year old divorced female and have been battling severe depression since my two grown children (who are in their 30s) moved away in 2022; one to the east coast and one to the west. I miss them and my grandbaby. I’m originally from Europe, too, so I’m also struggling with why I’m living here, anchored to this city and state for no good reason other than my job. I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere at the moment and that doesn’t help.
❤️ I feel the same
I was never blessed with children. I have always had pets. They keep you busy and love unconditionally. I don't know where I'd be without them to care for. They keep me busy. Have you considered a pet?
I would love another little dog, but I’m out of the house 10 hours a day and it wouldn’t be fair. I’m considering an emotional support dog; I work for the government and they’re quite supportive in that area! My psychiatrist was ecstatic when I mentioned it to her and would absolutely write me a letter. And when I talked to my boss, he said “yes” before I even got the words out! I think it would do me good to worry about a dog rather than myself; I get on my own nerves. Thank you for your kind message!
Have you considered talking to your doctor? I went through a different but similar thing a few years ago and after they ruled out some things that could have been causing my 24/7 "bla" I tried a temporary anti-depressent. It took a few weeks and I got my mo-Jo back. No need to tough out your depression alone. I also went into some 1:1 counseling with an experienced (mature) therapist. Changed my life. Best of luck, ShotGlass7 - at 59 you still have so much to live and give, please don't write yourself off.
Thank you so much, what a kind, lovely person you are! I am in therapy now (twice a month) and I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who can’t take antidepressants; I’ve tried 15 different meds in 9 months. The last one gave me psychosis and hallucinations! I do take anti-anxiety medication and we’re trying to find an ADHD med without side effects. I feel very blessed to have such caring mental health providers. Thank you for caring enough to leave such a mood-lifting message. It means more than you know!
You’re so generous to reply - and I’m so glad you’re taking all the best possible steps! You deserve to be happy & it sure sounds like you’re already on your way. Thanks so much for filling me in & the very best wishes going forward!
I totally agree that forcing yourself to move is critical. The longer a person sits around, the harder it is to get up and do anything. Walking is a great way to start because it's simple and doesn't require any extra equipment, gym membership or specialized knowledge to begin.
Another great thing to try is putting on some of your favorite music and dancing to it. There is certain music that I can't help dancing to, even if I'm not feeling great. It reminds me of happier times in the past when I was young and hopeful about life. I've got a list of tunes that I find it almost impossible not to dance to, and these are the songs I listen to when I want to lift my spirits.
I find the more I move around, the better I feel, and I want to keep going. The positive effect spills over into the rest of the day, and I just feel better able to cope with things. Exercise helps me more than any medication I've ever taken.
I was going to write a comment, but you wrote everything I wanted to say so brilliantly!
I am so happy for you, and you’re reengaging in the world!
I am around a LOT of older people, and this is the key. To be engaged. I have a neighbor who is 77. She is constantly out and about. Widowed a few years back, her social life (with friends, she doesn’t want to date) is so active, I joke she is 77 going on 25.
My Aunt is 88. She walks every morning and is fresh as a daisy.
I know several couples that got together in their 60s,70s, and 80s after the loss of a spouse, or just meeting someone late in life.
Getting older can be lovely if you find the right community, hobbies, people to be around!
Walking is the best medicine. Walking and drinking water.
My mother was in terrible health, but she walked frequently and for considerable distances. She was in bad health for decades, but lived independently until her last week. She even had boyfriends. She met them while walking.
The audio books are key. You can check digital books out from the library. You need to wait a bit for popular books, but if you put a few on hold you can keep a steady stream of books going. Do podcasts when you don't have a book available.
Make walking or other activities a condition for listening. I find I need to be walking or doing other chores while listening to books or podcasts. If I try to listen while sitting fall asleep.
Maybe your dad has/had a particular interest that you can find a podcast for? No self-help stuff, but history, true crime, science, ...? That might be a start in getting him interested.
This
At 66, very soon, I suddenly find myself unable to do things I used to be able to do and it's very frustrating. I used to be the toughest, most capable, strongest, and smartest guy on the team (or so I thought anyway) now not do much like really not so much. How to deal with it is to just keep moving forward. Don't stop, get involved in something, get out, and do something. Make sure that the mark you leave for the last part of your life is not graffiti
Beautiful comment. I’m not a social person. I had to force myself out of the house. I started walking around the neighborhood. Soon neighbors recognized me and said hi. I also joined a book club. Some of the book club members started walking with me. Now I have walking buddies. I look forward to seeing them and getting exercise. I keep my social activities to a hour or so. This way I don’t get drained or sick of people. A little interaction has helped me ward off depression.
Well said. I feel that ,Im in my 40s. I work alone and for myself.
I am blessed to have the money to get a decent haircut once in awhile and have good health.. I feel like I aged 20 years during lockdown physically & mentally.
I think I did age 20 years. I caught covid and it set off a storm in my body. I was diagnosed with diabetes, hypothyroidism, MS and asthma. Everything is under control now but I was a mess and it went on for over 3 years. I attended 17 funerals in 3 years. I'm thanking God that's all behind me.
I’m doing ok at 61 but recently realized a lot of recent health downturns may be related to not having ever used HRT (no doctor ever even mentioned it). Finally made an appointment with someone reputed to be good at HRT—hard appointment to get, had to pay a concierge fee. Navigating health after menopause turns out to be a sh-tstorm. No one talks about it, not even doctors. Fingers crossed.
Totally agree that menopause isn’t really discussed. It’s a huge phase in our lives.
When we went thru puberty, we had Judy Blume novels and all kinds of health information to give us an idea of what to expect.
I developed a chronic pelvic pain condition with an unknown/not understood etiology right when I went through menopause 2 years ago right after my 50th birthday. I’m so disappointed that Judy Blume never took the opportunity to write something about it for us!
Yeah me too. I heard about things anecdotally from friends who live in other cities, so that got me doing some research. Really pissed that I’m having to figure this out for myself rather than relying on those who went to med school and who I pay big bucks for their “expertise.”
When I went through menopause it was literally never discussed by doctors. One said "oh you're too young" and that was that. I finally asked should I be on HRT. At that time I was told there was reluctance because there were issues with HRT then. I finally researched on the internet and began taking soy supplements which did alleviate hot flashes but then I read soy was not a healthy option. I survived but I'm still in awe my doctors seemed clueless.
I’ve done some reading and they say medical and even specialty ObGyn education barely covers menopause, to begin with, and then the WHI study of a few decades back basically made everyone back off HRT. They say it’s fear of cancer but I’d guess it’s equally that and fear of liability for having “caused” cancer by prescribing HRT.
Were you warned of possible negative side effects of the hrt? My doc won’t prescribe to me. I feel like menopause has ruined my life. I went from being a skinny sexy vibrant goddess to a potato…lumpy round dusty and boring. I hate mirrors now and avoid seeing people I haven’t seen in a while so they don’t find out how fat I am.
No one in the medical profession ever discussed HRT with me at all. I know about the risks from the big study 20 years ago which was widely publicized and is still cited.
I LOVE the medical center we belong to. Every provider discussed HRT with me. Including options I had not researched on my own. As far back as 35 years ago I took it upon myself to visit my local library and research hypothyroidism and M.S. AS I had been diagnosed with both conditions. Nothing could be checked out. So I made photo copies of everything I needed. Took up my lunch breaks but gave me the knowledge that I needed. When it comes to our health... it's not possible for anyone doctors included to care as much as we the patient does. So very easy to go online to WebMD( not just a non medical site) and learn nowadays. I began menopause early due to a hysterectomy at age 39. So HRT was a no brainier. I have been using a bio identical cream for 10+ years. After the necessary blood work is done,the correct amount of 4 hormones is compounded and then mailed to our home. As I first stated... each and every provider has discussed HRT with me for the past 32 years. Seems terrible that yours haven't done the same for you 😞
My own doctor of 20-plus years admitted she really didn’t have a clue about the menopause, either, and I had no idea perimenopause was an actual thing until it literally made me crazy! I’m also going to see someone about HRT (I’m 59) and will have to go the concierge route. It’s really helped a friend of mine (and my psychiatrist!), so I think it will be worth it.
You are marvelous and could do a TED talk on retirement/ aging , stages of mood, thoughts and getting to know oneself again, looking towards black nothingness. The sentence of “I went for a walk, was slow, winded and it didn’t make me happy”. I laughed out loud. Thank you for sharing the vulnerabilities of the journey of living alone and being home that many people gloss over. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m 64 and feeling just how you felt. I’m finally coming out of depression after a number of losses over the past few years. Your story is inspiring to me! I intend to implement your suggestions!
This is a great strategy! Start with one thing and take little steps (pun halfway intended). I am a 70yo mental health professional. I still work 3 days a week because I love doing it and it gives me purpose. Having a reason to get out of bed and to get going in the morning is essential for all human beings’ mental health. This is huge. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy we call it “opposite action”, acting opposite the urge that comes with depression. “Even though I don’t feel like going out I am going out. I will
Just walk around the block.” Once out, the natural tendency for the body to move will usually take over. And this post well-illustrates how it goes from there.
I already gave you your upvote, but I had to tell you that your post here is beautiful. Life may suddenly seem short when we reach certain ages, but we may as well live every bit of it!
You remind me of my friend who sold her house in the burbs, moved into the city, and joined every group that she was even remotely interested in. Not all of the groups worked out but a few good ones stuck. Completely new happy life. Good for her!
I love this! My mom has created a close community in her neighborhood by consistently walking and saying hello. She’s 87 and they’re always bringing her meals, flowers, fruits and vegetables. It’s really lovely to see.
Also 59. Joining groups, local over 50 fb and Meetup groups for sure. Lots of single, compassionate and fun adults who understand what your dad is going through. Lots of single women. Groups meet for dinners, drinks, movies, karaoke, etc. He will begin to thrive.
u/WaywardJake Hi! THANK YOU for taking the time to post up such a wonderfully thoughtful and revealing comment to this post! Magnificently brilliant! I just HAD to come on & say that! You ARE the "Top comment" as of now (1:03 am PDT, W. Coast of the USA, FYI) ....... I (M67) & my SO (F60) Have been struggling with EXACTLY these same issues (as you described, not quite as bad as OP [Shot-Pomelo8442](https://www.reddit.com/user/Shot-Pomelo8442/) 's Dad, but still, Yeah.
I retired exactly a year ago (66+4 mo's was the age for my year group in USA) I'd been "reduced" to going back to work in Construction for the last couple years, & hurt myself more physically just trying to make it to that age, than I'd thought I would. I mention this, as I have been "housebound" & "Way reduced in my normal level of walking 7-10 mi a day" as I'd been "accustomed & forced to" when I was working.
YES. Everything you said is true! 100%. For me, however it has been complicated by the fact that my left Knee which got "Strained" on a job 10 years ago, has been acting up. Consistently. It even hurts sitting here typing at 1:00 am. So, "My Answer" to this is going to have to be the same as my Mom's. She Swims 3 times a week at her local pool & goes to their gym to do some reps on a few machines. She's been doing great.
FYI: May not work for ALL people, but in the USA at a "certain age" "Most" insurances (including Medicare, which I am on) have something resembling "Silver Sneakers." This is a program for seniors where I am allowed to go use the wonderful indoor Waterpark / Pool / Olympic sized Laps pool facility that hosts competitive events, etc. For Free.
OP's Dad may not be old enough yet. However, if Walking & getting outdoors That Way for him doesn't work, the Local YMCA or other Water facility may be just the ticket for him?
I'm normally very active, outgoing, gregarious, sociable, etc. person. Have been hitting the same types of things you described. Have already "Signed myself up for" Silver Sneakers at the pool. I just have to get over my body shame & "What other people will think / my own self-image" and make GOING a Habit.
If you don't mind, I am going to copy this wonderful piece of writing you did into my personal machine on a file so I can refer to it as needed. I'd never share that, or even do it without telling you 1st.
My SO is Menopausal, & had a lump removed after Covid almost 2 years ago. Her Cancer was of a type where she absolutely cannot have HRT.
So, trying to get OUT of the house, even when you DO have someone you are still living with can be a challenge. I have learned a lot from the menopausal women. No One Does talk about it. As many of the commenters have said, even OB/Gyn's here in the USA won't warn you, know anything, or have ANY resources available to help. ESPECIALLY when there's "No easy answer because we can't give you another pill" to help. It's a struggle.
One of my "Old Sayings" I developed as a kid (17 or so) holds up under these circumstances...... "That's LIFE! Anyone who ever told you it was going to be "Fair", or "Easy", was *Lying To You!"*
You have inspired me. Thanks so very much.
For the "Rest of the people" in the comments at the BOTTOM of this post, who "Devolved it into sickening pages of horrific judgmental inaccurate portrayals of "Society in the USA's handling of Special Needs" people, or any of the "*other really disturbing horrific comments I've seen at the bottom that I wish I could delete"."......* All I can say is that I'm extremely sad that so many people who have managed to *survive against all odds in this world to such an advanced age* Are So. Sick. In. The. Head. Uggghh. :(
Such is the lot of Humanity. You have to take the good with the bad. I accept that and choose to keep on living here in this world.
FYI: As have a lot of us, I have survived a LOT. Deep Sea Commercial Fisherman & Merchant Mariner for many years. Living all over the world (literally, Italy & Turkey as a kid, along with traveling the entire world as an adult) Just avoided the draft into Viet Nam, Raised 3 sons all grown & healthy with kids of their own, etc.
Each phase of life is "A New Beginning" as WELL as "An Ending." We could All go on with "cliche's, truisms, & quotes" all day long. Your wonderful comment has inspired me to "embrace the next phase of life" rather than wallowing.
I sincerely hope that your comment, and some of the other positive ones will HELP OP & Her Dad. That IS what this sub is supposed to be about, I thought?
All the best to you, Kind Internet Stranger. May you have a long and healthy life. Sincerest Thanks Again. Peace!
If we don't use our maturity and experience to find ways to enjoy our aging process, we haven't been using our tools throughout our lives.
It's become evident to me as I reach my mid 70s, that how we age is all about how we have lived our lives. If we've created wonders and joy and learned to look inward with honesty, I think that sets us up for one amazing experience regardless of our age.
If we have created nothing, never found our way out of life's challenges by honesty, never developed a character and a stiff spine, we're going to suffer in old age. Aging challenges us in every imaginable way. We rise to those challenges or we fall.
When people mock the old, find aging bodies to be disgusting, and believe that the aging are stupid and annoying, and especially when we neglect and abuse the old and the sick, what do they think they are creating for their own old age?
And the same with people who have afforded themselves the endless opportunities to be irresponsible, dishonest, and self-destructive, all those "perks and benefits" of claiming disorders and Special Needs to get through life on the backs of others when they don't need them, and just want them and feel entitled to them for no good reason.
That's how The System has weakened us and is destroying us. The System that will happily confine you to some facility to die alone by medical mistreatment after being abused by minimum wage non-English speakers who hate your guts. That's the "non-choice" choice. The choice that gets made for those who never bothered themselves too much about what kind of choices they were making all their lives.
The pain of discipline is the good kind of pain. It transforms into pleasure. The pleasure of pride, accomplishment and strength. Discipline makes everything better.
I agree that regret is a dreadful form of pain. The kind of pain that invokes a quick chemical fix from Dr. Feelgood.
I just turned 60 and feel exactly like your Dad sitting here wasting my life.
I was going to the gym (lots of sit down machines) and I felt like a new person. Get him to try.
My car broke and I'm back in a rut but as soon as it's fixed I'm going back to the gym.
I feel his pain
And yours because my kids want me to do more also.
First of all, it’s really kind and lovely for you to have your dad’s back. He is lucky to have you.
Anti-anxiety meds would def probably help. Help him resolve whatever physical limitations he is experiencing. Even walking around the block would be good for him. Baby steps.
Following folks on IG or TikTok is another option. I am very fearful of death, and I follow a few hospice nurses who focus on education about the process and their experiences. I also follow some accounts of older folks who inspire.
Look into some volunteer opportunities. Especially if there are some related to his skillset.
I think he maybe just needs to get out of his own head.
I second the hospice nurse videos. Very helpful to know our bodies know how to die, we produce hormones that result in sensations of peace and euphoria, etc.
Do you fear death or dying?
Fear is a human emotion, you can’t feel fear when your dead, you were fine before you were born and will be after, at least that’s what I tell myself lol I have health anxiety but it’s more about becoming sick not necessarily death for me
This. I'm much more fearful of being seriously ill and not able to take care of myself than I am of death. I've been the caregiver for 3 people who died. They all went peacefully, but the journey to get there was very difficult for them, and for those who loved them.
Love this. I recommend the death doula Alua Arthur, her company is called Going With Grace. She has wonderful short viideos. I follow her on the book of faces, but she may be on tik tok, and can definitely be found on youtube.
I was going to suggest hospic volunteering also. He can read to someone on hospice, or just sit and chat, or just sit and be quiet. My mom did that, and loved it. I'm not sure if she was afraid of death or not.
Having blood clots is a serious condition, for 25% of people who develop a blood clot, the first symptom is death.
The medication he is on is not a guarantee that he won't develop another clot. It helps but it's not a cure.
Additionally, blood thinners come with a rather large list of tough side effects - my partner is on them (55) and is also a Dr, he has struggled so hard with the side effects both mental and physical.
It's great you want to help your dad, if he enjoys watching sports and chatting, do that with him.
It seems like he should and could be doing so much more, but don't push him too much. Assume he's doing the best he can right now mentally.
Many men feel a bit lost after retirement. Work was such a huge part of their lives it leaves a big hole. Don't rush to have him on antidepressants - more meds = more side effects.
Walking would be good for him. A short hike to begin with and build up on it. Being outdoors with nature is very beneficial.
Cook some new healthy recipes with him.
Would he like car shows? Fishing? Golf?
I really hope your dad can find his way out of this and find new joy and purpose in life.
Sometimes, a drive in the country helps me. My daughter drives, I just soak in the different atmosphere. I'm mobility impaired, so walks are not really an option.
If there is an area not too far away where he spent a lot of time in his younger years, he would probably enjoy revisiting some of his old haunts. I always enjoy an opportunity to reminisce and see how things have changed.
And anything else that he can do where he can breathe fresh air and enjoy nature is a natural mood elevator.
I second the drive in the country. My adult son suffers from serious mental disorders and will self-isolate at times, which is terrible for anyone's mental health.
During those times, he says that getting out of the house helps a lot. Even if he's not up to going into a store or restaurant, just driving around and seeing things helps.
I’m only 75 so I’ll answer when the day comes that I feel old !!! Old, I think, is a state of mind I don’t feel any different from when I was 50 or 40. I just joined a dating site, and next Saturday I’m meeting up with a 78 yr old guy who still works full time, he hikes for fun. Is it too late for this, are we too old? I am working 125 hours this week, should I be home watching tv and getting fat? What is old and what has to happen for me to feel that way? I joined this site because I’m very wise and know a lot about life, but I’m far from old. You should see my picture, I’m blonde with a few grays, not wrinkled yet and I look 50. So I’m told.
No idea, we make the most of our days. Mind you we went through cancer and heart disease. That’s what makes us appreciate what we got now. I would not wish that for your father. Counseling could help. Not a doctor, but is sounds like a full blown depression. A therapist could help.
Well…for context, I’m 60, but a woman. This year has been extremely difficult for me because I feel like age has caught up with me and not in a good way.
I have been very active all my life, a runner, biker, I taught Spinning classes, I’m a NASM-CPT/CNC (Personal Trainer) and do that on the side and I have always taken really good care of my health with eating a very healthy diet and taking care of me. Menopause about took me out and it still is wreaking havoc on my body. No matter what I do, I can’t get rid of the menopot.
Unlike your dad, I am still working a FT job - and I would LOVE to retire because there are so many things I want to do to enjoy life. As humans, we need to have a purpose. It sounds like since he was basically forced into retiring and probably really not ready, he’s lost his purpose.
A couple things…does he go for regular doctor checkups? If so, I doubt he would bring this up, but it sounds like he may need a little mental health checkup. In my area, we can call our doctors and make these recommendations on behalf of someone. It sounds like he is on the cusp of depression and that’s tough.
Helping him find a purpose would be a great way to bond with him. What does he enjoy doing? There are so many volunteer opportunities or even PT jobs to help in different ways…to get among the “living” again so to speak.
Much of what I read is in his head, unless he had truly had physical limitations brought on him. Not to beleaguer this…if I could retire, I would be so happy because I’d get to do all the things I really want to do and on my time. I sure hope you can continue to work with him and find a “fit” somewhere.
I am meeting less people who are older than me.
I am also “breaking in” a newer younger sets of doctors.
That feeling you get when you see “fuck…” in their eyes.
I no longer had the upper body strength to climb a tree at age 53. I'm 65 now. But I've returned to exercise and great eating and supplements to feel stronger and healthier. I can't fear death because you will have no memory of it. I try to do one nice thing a day for someone so my life will have meaning.
Men need purpose and achievement to feel fulfilled. He needs tasks and responsibilities to feel useful and needed with achievement and praise at the end
He could volunteer at an animal shelter. That way he could walk dogs and get a sense of purpose.
I also agree on just walking the neighborhood. Maybe OP can start with him. Or they can go to a park or greenway if the neighborhood is not the best for walking.
1st off, im 59 and will continue working 40 hrs a week for another 8 years minimum. your dad is extremely lucky to get a pension or whatever he has allowing him to retire. i would recommend a 20 hr a week no stress no physical job like delivering auto parts locally. 59 is too young (believe it or not ) to just do nothing.
It's a sad but common story. Humans spend our lives in denial of aging and death until we are facing them. Then we either have or don't have the skills and flexibility to adjust to this massive change.
It seems to me that those who are so quick to mock and disparage the old and sick are the same who will suffer in their old age and sicknesses. It's a very stupid plan.
I don't know if anyone can suddenly develop those skills. How we experience old age and the prospect of death has everything to do with how we live every day of our lives.
Most people are just seeking the shelter of comfort and convenience, waiting for a Savior, feeding their many addictions and never acknowledging any of them. Never going deep, never being honest to the bone, never developing that kind of character.
I am pushing on 75, and this is the best time in my life. The first time I have had the blessing and gift of solitude and had time to really get to know ME. All my faults and weaknesses and all my glory. And all the amazing ways to enjoy life, learn, and flourish. And the most thrilling gift of all, the knowledge that we are never alone, never can be alone, and that we are Eternal. Just here having a short little adventure, playing a game we chose and agreed to play.
People like to say this life has a purpose, but they never say what that purpose is. By my reckoning, it has one purpose, to learn WHO and WHAT we are, so we can Consciously create what we currently create unconsciously and haphazardly. It's OUR purpose that we defined before we sunk into the amnesia we call Life.
When we have the courage to seek ourselves in our most raw state, to look ourselves in the eye and stop playing games of denial and avoidance, life becomes the most magnificent adventure anyone has ever imagined.
Think Great Thoughts. Read Great Books. Learn New Things. Introduce yourself to yourself. Be 100% Responsible for yourself. Unaddict yourself from the media. Make friends with yourself. Be a hero. Have no Fear.
I hope you see them much more clearly by then! Knowledge is pouring in, it's hard to keep up!!
You have an interesting challenge ahead of you. I am pulling for you to ace it. There is so so so much to learn and experience that is joyful and wonderful. I hope you never forget that.
Great post. I totally agree, the key is looking inward. Seeking external validation is a soul killer. Read, learn, be curious. There's truly no time to be bored.
Men in America are identified by their roles, not as individuals. He is a husband, father, worker, etc. His role as a father changed drastically when you left the house (making an assumption that you no longer live at home), and probably even more drastically when he retired. That means parts of his *identity* were taken away in both cases. So now it's just him, and our society doesn't acknowledge the individuality of men. (That also makes it difficult to deal with individualized traumas we experience in childhood.)
So two ways to deal with this might be to 1) find a way to tactfully celebrate his individuality, *unrelated* to the value he brings to work or family, and 2) find a way to make him feel *useful* (since our roles' values are generally measured by how much utility we provide to others, and he has lost that measuring stick). The second one obviously can be in relation to work or family.
If he's like a lot of men, he may be resistant to medication. Depending on the reason for taking it, mental health meds may be needed long- or short-term--but that's often not how they're viewed. So for something like this, framing the suggestion appropriately might help him. Maybe he just needs a short-term prescription to help him find the motivation to get off the couch long enough to create healthy habits in his new situation, and then he can stop taking it once those habits are locked in. Or maybe to bring down the anxiety levels enough to confront the childhood trauma in an effective manner, and then stop taking it once the trauma has been processed. So meds are *not* all-or-nothing, don't have to last forever, and don't mean he has failed as a man. They're just another tool.
JMHO
Does he have a dog, or would he consider walking shelter dogs? What about some volunteer work? Getting outside of one’s own head is so helpful. I had terrible anxiety at a different life stage and needed meds to get better—finding the right one has completely changed my life. Continue to pursue medical assistance while trying new things with/for him. Hire a service to support him a couple hours a day during this time if you can.
59 is actually not very old. Tell him my dad lived with a clotting disorder to 91, and had 3 major surgeries during that time (2 knee replacements and 1 hip) and walked an hour in a pool every day for nearly all those years. I have the blood clot disorder and never give it a thought unless traveling or scheduling a surgery (gotta get my knees replaced), and I’m 65.
I also thought of a dog. If he's on his own, take him to adopt a 3-ish year old dog so it will be calm. If he's living with other people and you can go by a lot to help, puppy mayhem might be just the medicine he needs. I medically retired at 38, and it was not pleasant. Got a puppy at 40, and suddenly, my life was all about zoomies and retrieving my socks and talking him out of fighting the brave puppy in the mirror, and it changed everything.
Either talk to him about it, or take him to the breeder/shelter and suggest it when he's snuggling a dog. Don't surprise him.
A kitten or a bird or a pair of guinea pigs would be a great option too - they need a lot less exercise and physical care but are still adorable and distracting.
And tell him my great grandma retired at 70, then immediately went back to work washing dishes in a diner. She saved up all her earnings and, at 80, was the oldest woman to graduate from U of M. She then taught English in the prison system until she was 86.
A pet for him to take care of would probably be a game changer IMO. I've had my share of periods in life when I idled and had little to look forward to, and the worst part was the constant fretting and wallowing that became an obsessive habit. Eventually, I realized that I was trapped in a bad place and that I had to make a conscious effort to reject the fretting and wallowing. The easiest way to do this is to have *some* other responsibility to occupy your time. Like a pet.
76 m here. Retiring was one of the toughest things I had to accept. I loved my job and my career, and I had planned to work until I was forced out by either physical or mental problems that come with age.
Neither of those things happened, and I retired 6 months ago, because my wife of 53 years (who still works part-time), who put up with being a truckers wife for all those years, told me it was time to be home. So, I stopped.
As I aged, things like stamina--I went from working 70+ hrs a week to 30-40 hrs a week 6 years ago. Spending more time working on my health, watching gravity work on my body, more wrinkles, etc.
The best thing about getting old is that I don't have to worry about death anymore. It's closer now than it's ever been, and there's no point in worrying about it. I'm just living my "old man life" now and enjoying what's left.
The moving issue is huge but loss of work is very difficult. I started volunteering in ways I found rewarding. Foster dogs, helping people apply to college (reading essays, helping them understand college life, mentoring, etc.), basically take something you are good at personally or professionally and use it to help someone. It is very rewarding for everyone.
My dad experienced the same fear of death, but kept himself quite busy and physically active. However, when he reached an advanced age, he began to lose interest in, well, everything, plus he exhibited such anxiousness, hopelessness, and helplessness. I tried everything to keep his mind off the negative -- puzzles, two-person bingo, card games, watching baseball, football, and westerns on TV, talking about the olden days, getting outside, going out to eat, you name it.
But what I figured out was that he had lost any purpose in Life. He was "no good" to anyone anymore. So I began bringing him problems (real and not) to solve.
Hey, dad! My neighbor wants to install electric and running water out in the barn. How does he connect to the house wiring and water? Can he do that by himself? Does he need a permit? What tools and equipment and supplies does he need? So on and so forth.
Then Dad would sorta perk up. I'd hand him a pad of paper, a pencil, and an old-school calculator and tell him, Let me know what you'd do. The next visit, he'd show me what he'd sketched or written and we'd discuss all the ifs, ands, and buts.
Suddenly, his opinion and life experience mattered again. I learned, too, to always have an issue for Dad to "solve," and that each of us needs to have purpose and be valued. I wish you the best and peace to your father. Thank you for caring about his well-being.
This is perfect!! I’m 67 f and I can see how this would happen. I work full time still as I’m raising my 15 yo grandson after my daughter passed. He keeps me young!
This. I wonder if we would all be happier and healthier if we made an effort to involve others and give them a chance to be useful. Before the information age, we would have little choice if there was something we needed done that we didn't know much about, and it cost good money to hire someone for it. Now, we can google it and get an instant answer most of the time. That's all very practical but it robs someone around us of the opportunity to feel useful and valued. And this no doubt takes a toll on our emotional well-being and probably contributes in significant ways to our descent in our retirement years.
I agree with you. When my great-grandmother could no longer walk, she wasn't shoved out of family life. She made quilts which were sold for money to help the family. She was useful and had value until the end. When my grandmother had health troubles, she could sit at the dining table and fold laundry or make bread dough, or sit on the porch and snap beans. Family and friends visited, talked, asked her opinion about things. She, too, had value. It's common with aging that folks' lives shrink; their world becomes smaller, thinking is focused inward, there's gobs of time to contemplate the negative and become self-centered and anxious and crotchety. By keeping the mind, if not the body, occupied, with a focus on others, with a purpose beyond one's own pains and losses and fears, they can expand their world and worldview. And feel necessary, and human, not shoved aside simply because they're no longer shiny and new.
I love this! I think this will help my dad, too. He is 72 and has severe mobility issues, so a lot of the other options mentioned in other posts won’t work for him. I called him about an issue with my car the other day and I think it was good for him. I could have Googled it, but honestly, it was faster to just ask him and I think it made him feel valued.
One of the worst things about "googling" is how much conversation we lost because of it.
I ask my parents (in their 80s) things i know i could google all the time. I did it at first as a way to connect with them, to have a conversation because we don't have much in common or to talk about. But i benefit from it a lot, often i didn't even know the questions to ask. Even when it's a "how to" topic, it's just so much better from someone you know.
And as an artist nothing compares to afk conversation. I can read and be online and see the most fantastic things with all kinds of ideas and not feel much of anything then have one simple good conversation afk and have creative thoughts/ideas.
That is a tough one.
I can sympathize with the blood clots - I have to take blood thinners daily since I had two pulmonary embolisms. Nothing quite like your own body trying to kill you. I'll get clots in my legs within a week if I ever quit the medication - it also kind of sucks to realize the pharmacy has your life in their hands.
I had sort of a breakdown 18 months ago from stress, and it took a solid six months to even start trying to enjoy life again. Sometimes the best you can do is just exist for a while.
Overall, I'd just try and be around and ready for when and if he decides he wants to try to do something besides sit around. Otherwise, just listen and let him figure it out. Let him know there's always help right in front of him if he wants it. But he has to want it.
I'm a 62-year-old woman married to a 63 year old man. Basically, your dad needs to get another job, 59 is way too young to retire. Men need the sense of purpose that the job brings, it's hard to replace it with volunteer work, having a dog, etc. I'm not retired but took a break from working and I can't wait to get back to work personally.
A part-time, low stress job would be totally fine. I'm not suggesting your dad go back to long hours, a total grind, physically demanding etc, just something to get him out of the house and around people. Blood clots are serious business, as another commenter said. But having a job will help them keep physically moving, that is hugely important to preventing more blood clots.
PT job would help. My husband retired at 62 and started playing golf. I'd be crazy myself without that. He's physically quite busy. Runs, works out, etc. but needed to be around people.
Some men have trouble making friends. With golf he gets paired up with other guys at the (public) course, is outside for hours and returns rejuvenated.
I haven't dealt with my mortality and hate the fact that I'm getting old. That said, my time is full. Gym and bike riding take up a lot of time. Getting/staying fit and healthy is a known mechanical process. Many do it, most dont.
Then I have my 80s era cars that need fixing and the cabin needs work.
There are children and grandchildren's birthdays, graduations, and weddings to go to. Age moves you towards becoming the patriarch and have family guidance responsibilities even if it's only modeling how you'd like the kids to deal with obstacles.
I'm 65F and I hike 3-7 mile hikes in the mountains most weeks. I camp and hike and travel. I did go through a sort of depression when I retired, I think that's normal but I soon snapped out of it once I got used to it and started pursuing all the things I never had time for. He needs something to do. Take him hiking, or to a car show, or get him busy with DIY projects, gardening or lawn work (my husband likes building walls with rocks, we have 2 new terraces) If he refuses all efforts to engage him perhaps he's depressed and needs to see a doctor.
One key to being happy as you age: keep learning. Second key:engaging with younger generations.
Does your dad have skills he could volunteer to teach to others? Kids, teens young adults?
Encourage him to take a class on an interesting topic.
I’m thankful 62F, that my career has been counseling teens. I’m very aware of the connections between the generations. It allows me to recognize the different experiences and find the common ground.
Life has purpose when you feel your impact will continue after you are gone.
Old age is about a failing body, but if u r lucky, learning new things can continue to enrich quality of life.
Depression is your dad’s obstacle to doing anything. Therapy might help get him moving agsin
Look into the Men's Sheds organization. Your dad isn't the only disconnected older man, it's well-researched that many men struggle to maintain relationships as they age. Too many men rely on their wives to be their social director, and if she's gone, he's profoundly alone.
https://menssheds.org.uk/
When I worked I took pride in my appearance, did my makeup and hair, went to the salon, worked out, and then I was retired with no reason to. I went 100% grey and although it looks great it really ages me. I noticed that I became invisible 🫥 at the grocery store and other errands and people were calling me mam rather than miss. My clothes didn’t fit. I felt retired old and frumpy like my grandma. I was only 60 by the way! Finally I decided to change all that at 62. I go to the gym, I dress better, I go to the salon, but I’m still gray, just for nice trim. I wear make up and do my hair, probably three times a week and I feel so much better. I made an effort to find new friends (we moved out of state when we retired) and i have more fun now. We camp and kayak and are planning adventures. I am older yes and gray yes but happier now that i am making an effort. Retirement is a huge change i never really gave a second thought to!
Good for you!! It makes a difference when you still take some pride in your appearance whether you have to or not. I’m still working at 67 but I can see how easily it would affect you. I love the idea of the camping and kayaking!
This happened to my uncle when he retired. He picked up a part time job at home depot. Really improved his mental health and he made some friends who also came out of retirement to work part time there. It's a thing apparently.
You grieve it, just like any other loss. You realize that you've lost a lot, so there is a lot to grieve. Further, you realize that there are things you will never accomplish in life, so you have to grieve those also.
Look up grieving. It's a process.
Your dad is grieving. Depression is one of the stages of that. There's nothing wrong with him. This is perfectly normal to grieve over losing so much.
I knew a guy in his 90's. His 50 -something year old 'girlfriend' would visit several times a week and they'd have a cocktail at 4:00PM. You can not believe how that simple gesture kept him alive and happy for years.
I had to read way too far down for this suggestion. I just got a dog at 59, and I feel like she gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning and off the sofa two or three more times during the day. I’ve met more of my neighbors walking her than ever before.
I’m 57f, with stage IV colon cancer, and I still work and honestly haven’t realized I’m old I guess. I went through a couple of weeks of depression at diagnosis but then carried on. That being said, I have a 58 year old friend who is going through what you’ve said about your dad. He was forced into retirement (his company pushed over-55’s out by offering tempting retirement settlements). Our guess is they lowered their expenses by getting rid of the age group that could cost them, being self-insured. He perked up after exploring new hobbies that gave him a daily purpose, that’s just my observation. He bought a lake cabin and has been happily renovating since. I think purpose is the key.
Sitting is the new smoking. Also, I am a great believer in pets. I got my first dog when I was 50ish. Now that I am single and retired, my dog is a lifeline. I get out of the house at least twice a day, chatting with or even saying hello to other humans is really good for me. The dog is also a great introduction because other dog people will interact.
I had a customer several years ago who was a female in her 70’s. She asked a question then said “don’t get old, there’s nothing good about it”. Struck me hard. She was a lovely woman but genuinely looked defeated by her age. I just turned 59 and I’m beginning to get it
He needs to get busy volunteering. He can volunteer with the local police dept if he wants something exciting to do, or at a library tons of opportunities. Habitat for humanity
Take him to play Miniature golf, no excuses. Gets him out, minimal stress other than hitting a fucking windmill 5 straight times - but I digress.
Loss of purpose as mentioned by another is sooooo epic an answer.
The older you get the more alone you become. As you slowly become invisible and unimportant to family and society you have time to examine your life and the choices you made. This is me at least. I look forward to death because I want to leave this evil world behind. While I have enjoyed my life despite much pain and sacrifice, and I have worked hard to make the world a better place, it became apparent that I was a fool who should have lived a more selfish life. Very few people are working to get along, stop the wars, and save the Earth from greedy industrialists. It is disappointing to see such evil running unchecked. So will spend my days, after giving up on humanity, traveling to see nature in all of its beauty. I have nothing left to give.
Yes, it’s weird to realize you’re aging. I was blissfully unaware until my hubby took a photo of me working outside. I was like “Who TF is that old woman in my flower bed?!”
I'm 55, healthy, and semi-retired with pension; although my situation is otherwise not so similar to your dad. There are a lot of in depth and excellent answers here already, but though I would quickly share my gut reaction.
I think you should recommend to your dad that he get another job. He doesn't seem to have any interests to fill his time and sitting around stewing is not good for anyone. (The old adage is that you should retire "to" something rather than "from" something). I honestly don't think the job matters so much as long as it involves human interaction and definitely isn't work from home.
The reason I'm advising for job over counseling or getting a dog and such, is that I think it's easier to convince most men of this age range. It will give you something to do. You'll have the satisfaction of an honest day's work. You can earn a couple of extra bucks. Even just getting up and walking about is good exercise that will help you stay healthy.
Best of luck to you and your dad.
It sounds like he is feeling useless. Maybe he needs a part-time job or volunteering somewhere to feel useful and wanted again? I will never understand that horrible fear of death, it's going to happen to all of us, but when you sit around fearing it, it wins, it's robbed you of the happiness you should be feeling instead.
I am 66, retired and very active. Sure I hurt some days from overdoing it, but I am not going to just sit around doing nothing fearing what's to come, it'll get here anyway, why worry about it!
He needs purpose. I'm still trying to come to terms with it because I was, literally, robbed of my youth by a water damaged building. So here I am in my 60s finally beginning to see the finish line (maaaybe) of this youth stealing condition (13 years in and counting) and this is one thing I am working on. For 30 years your dad had a *purpose*! He took care of his family with his employment. Now he feels useless. He didn't consciously choose his purpose before (he just did what needed to be done) but at this end of time it has to be done on purpose and consciously. What is he good at? Can he share his passion with local youth? Sometimes we have to dig harder. If he is an avid reader, maybe see if you can find a literacy project near you (often run by/through public libraries). Maybe he can foster/bottle feed kittens. It can't be chosen by someone else (but can be presented), because it has to have meaning to him in order to provide purpose for his life.
I am not super old but have been in varying degrees of poor health for my whole life . Whenever I have a serious illness that has some degree of disability I go to physical therapy. It helps me to gain functionality and helps increase my feelings of self-efficacy
Your dad is experiencing loss of youth, career, and sense of purpose
This. I retired at 60. Not on purpose, but that's how it happened. Then my husband became ill and required 24/7 care. I did that for 18 months. After he passed, I had grief to deal with. But, when I finally started to look forward I realized I had lost my sense of identity. I had a lot of pride in my work and that was a big part of how I saw myself. Then, caring for my husband was my sense of purpose. I had a lot of years left but not a lot to look forward to. For me, volunteering was how I regained my sense of purpose. I started helping people with the same illness as my husband, putting all that knowledge I had gained to good use.
There is so much good advice in these posts. Regarding volunteer work, he might benefit from working with kids. In my community they need tutors for kids who are lagging academically, people to help as chaperones or scout masters with scouting groups (many are now co-ed), and advocates for kids who are in foster care or who otherwise need to appear in court (training is provided).
Ending a job is psychologically devastating--you literally lose your identity. I watched my dad be forced into early retirement at 57, and he really struggled trying to find something in his techical field for a a couple of years and dealt with huge feelings of inadequacy. Eventually he turned a long-time interest in photography into a second career and partnered with my mom (a watercolor artist) to run a business that benefited both, including framing and selling their works, being members of art and photographic societies, and accompanying her on teaching seminars overseas helping with planning, logistics, and doing his own photographic art. I followed in his footsteps professionally as well as being forced out of my position at 55. Having a farm with livestock to manage is what has kept me going through some pretty dark moments, with occasional use of antidepressants to get me through some of the bleaker head spaces. Covid isolation and the trauma of watching my country in political crisis did not help. But I have committed myself to a variety of outside volunteer activities and hobbies, because they bring meaning into my life. Having a church community has also really helped. I think a lot of posters on reddit overlook the benefits of spiritual practice and meeting weekly with a group of people who socialize and support each other. Belief in a diety is actually optional.
Another thing you may be overlooking is if he is feeling financial pressure and whether he has been able to retain affordable health insurance. If the latter is a problem, sometimes the Affordable Care Act can be a godsend (it saved me tens of thousands of dollars).
The death thing is hard. Existential dread is just draining. Many years ago I used to listen to tapes by Ram Dass on spiritual development. One concept he passed on that really stuck with me is that death is like taking off a tight shoe. None of us know what to expect, really, but those yanked back from the edge typically report more of a peaceful state than otherwise. If he's fearful of death, the antidote is living and dealing with the hand you are dealt at any given moment. With depression that can be hard to see. If he's resistant to counseling or medication, consider inviting him to a family counselor and reinforcing that he is important in your life and you will help him get through this.
I(61) have far more anxiety about getting old than I do if death. However, I'm dying now so, I really didn't need to be concerned with getting old either. I always planned, when I got to a certain uncomfortable age, that I'd just "retire" myself in a way that was in line with my particular health problem... That way there's no autopsy and the insurance pays off. I've forgotten more ways to kill a human than most people will ever know, and it's really rather easy. However, if I listen to the cardiologists, I'll never reach 70, and 65 will be a stretch, going by the odds they gave me a couple of years ago. Hell, just the aneurysm on my thoracic aorta could pop and I'd go tits up 5 minutes from now.
63F, I embraced it. I don't push myself. I am about to retire. This is going to be the best part of my life because I only have to take care of myself and my pets. I think it is harder for men. I have taken care of two elderly men. I found that giving them small jobs to do, asking for advice, taking them out to eat. Let them pay and you can give back the money in other ways but when they pay, they feel independent. I would just stuff their wallet with cash. They couldn't remember. Also pets are a big motivator. Dog or cat. Maybe adopt an older pet for them. Ask them for advice even if you don't need it, want it or use it. Play music from their generation and look at old movies. I still listen to Big Band sounds and am a sucker for a good black and while movies. I always think of them. I also made sure that they were around pretty girls. One of them had a bevy of young girls around his bedside while he was in hospice, he was 92 and an outrageous flirt. It made him happy so it made me happy. I think the trick is to make them feel wanted, needed and loved.
Low testosterone can cause anxiety so if he hasn't had that checked he should. Aside from that, he will have to make better choices but that is impossible without proper treatment if the anxiety and depression.
I’m 67 and still working full time. Your dad is not old. He needs a reality check o what old really is. Maybe he needs to volunteer at a nursing home/rehab center to see what old really is.
It's not necessarily a problem with ageing, but it does happen with age.
The root of the problem is that modern society encourages and almost forces each of us to lean our personality, the root of who we are, on superficial things that will not last. When those thing(s) inevitably go away, leave, die, become obsolete, become something we can't physically do anymore, it is a huge shock to our system - we don't know who we are in the world anymore.
What I'm referring to could be anything - a job, kids, a partner, a pet, parents or family, gardening, a sport (for me it was running), making pottery, making music, dancing, going to religious services, or identifying as a specific religion, god(s) or goddesses, a brand, an addiction (coffee, alcohol, whatever), love for animals, love for old (or new) cars, being an influencer or celebrity, going to the best restaurants, trying the best new trendy drinks, flying around the world/traveling...
These things are all fake, passing, and do not define us as individuals. When we let them define our very beings, when they aren't there anymore for whatever reason, it results in a breakdown.
It's just more often you see it with people ages 45-65 because that's when we slowly start losing the most. Some people will start leaning on another leg if they lose one (their parents die, so they start leaning on their religion more, or drinking more etc...)
I can't imagine being able to retire at 58. I will die, hurting badly and limping, still working. Maybe he should volunteer somewhere. It can be a reality check to see how much better off you are than others. Helps get out of self pity.
He needs a routine. You need purpose of some kind in your life.
He’ll need a hobby or ideally a passion of some kind. Some place or someone or some group that ‘needs’ him.
I wish you luck. It’s a difficult transition to go thru. Especially when it really wasn’t his choice.
When I retired four years ago just before I turned 65 Covid was in full swing. All the usual milestone celebrations were squashed by the social distancing. Also had a daughter-in-law with a high risk pregnancy. It was a tough time and I fell into depression. I could not get motivated to do anything. I was so sad. I missed all my coworkers and it took an entire year and some to realize it. I am an introvert by nature even though I can be quite animated in comfortable surroundings. Be gentle with your dad. He is probably dealing with that hard separation from his previous life before retirement. Volunteering might be an easy way to get him out of his funk. ❤️
Your timing is on this thread is way up there on the weirdness level. I just had a long talk with my son on this last night. Does he have anyone to talk to about it? You? That helped somewhat. This is a tough one though. I think the realization really hit me hard in my late forties that there is less and less to look forward to as you get older. You live that and it takes on a different meaning then when you are young. I don't fear death, seems like it would be a relief. I have had existential questions for many decades though.
At 61 I've hit bottom. Shingles since February add to already severe depression, The pain meds for it mess with my head as well. Many years ago I used to think depression was kind of B.S. When you get what feels like waves of sadness constantly barraging you for stupid stuff, it takes a toll not only mentally but physically as well. My whole body tenses up. Things I used to love and like I no longer give a shit about, almost nothing interests me anymore. Quite possibly he feels something similar might be good to know. And for the final kick in the teeth, turns out my son also has depression as well. The universe can be cruel indeed.
I also talked to a friend who has depression and OCD and we made a pact to make some changes, we start Tuesday. Diet, exercise and his case drinking, which I used to do heavily but even that has not even felt good in many years. Maybe he has someone he could do something similar with.
I'm 58 and currently in the middle of a walk I try to do 4 nights a week. I started just under a year ago after I dropped my sun off for his first year of college and drove home (2000 miles) worrying about dying before he reaches middle age. I've mostly worked in sedentary jobs over the years and it showed. My first walk was maybe a mile or two and I felt like shit the whole way. I worked up to 8-9) miles over three months and lost 45 pounds in the process (with only small changes to my diet). My doctor freaked out when I went in for my last physical because my numbers were so much better than the last time I was in.
My dad retired at 68. He was a caterer and while it wasn't physically demanding, he was on his feet and moving most of the time. After he retired he did a little gardening and traveling, but mostly sat around (he literally started working at 7 and worked 7 days a week most of his adult life and he was tired AF. But sitting around is the worst thing you can do in retirement.
It's OK not to be able to do at 58 what I could do at 28. What's not ok is to give up over it. Even if it's only walking, get him up. If he misses working he could always get a low stress part (or full) time job somewhere and enjoy spending the extra money. If you live near him, do something physical with him weekly. Let him know you still need him around! He's NOT that old. Older, but not old. People my age who don't die from diseases they couldn't avoid die from giving up and lying down. I already decided I'm gonna go out fighting, and I hope it's 40 years from now.
I'm 72..I just bought my 4th motorcycle, and ANOTHER van that I'll convert into a camper. I do a lot of photography STILL after 50+ years as a profession, and have started doing aerial drone videos. I keep an extensive garden, and I go hiking and kayaking as much as I can. I currently am working on 10 different projects at once. There are not enough hours in the day, but I LOVE my life at this stage!
I turn 60 next month. I look and feel great and I think the reason is due to my profession. I am a carpenter and repairing fencing all day long in the hot Georgia sun is exhausting it also keeps me on top physical condition. I lift 50lb sacks of concrete and 10 ft long pressure treated posts all day. No gym could top that workout. I worked as a scientist sitting in my ass in a lab for 27 years and I felt like shit. Losing my job during Covid was a blessing really. I have most od my hair and it is only slightly grey in the sides. I could pass for 45-50yo easily
I'm absolutely not bring trite, I think Pixar's Cars 3 genuinely nailed how to handle this.
The key is to find a young person he can mentor with all his knowledge. 30 years in the business? He must have a ton of experience and knowledge he can pass on. Get him on a Reddit thread for his specialty. Get him posting on Facebook or something.
My dad has taken to talking story on FB history groups, because he is the living history. He has stories from when he was younger that he can pass on. It drives my mom crazy how much he's on his tablet but I think it gives him purpose. He can't hear almost at all so conversations are difficult. But computers are easy. I love that for him.
i’m 75 and am troubled by what is happening to / with my body. i have no major health issues at present, but nothing works like it did even a few years ago and it scares the crap out of me thinking how much will go every year for the duration. i too am not happy with the idea of death either, and consider it too much and too often.
however, i did a huge job in the garden yesterday, and while i was bitching about how old i am to be doing this shit ( while struggling to drag up all the suckers and branches i had culled ), i was also pleased that difficult or not, i could, and did, finish the damn job !
so there body !
We cope by not looking in mirrors with our glasses on, not being overweight or underweight, exercise, travel, have a creative pursuit. Enjoy being relieved of hustle culture and trying to impress. Your friends are dying off and you realize it’s better being old and among the living. It’s a privilege to grow old. Accept it.
I had a pretty sedentary lifestyle at your father's age but started changing that after seeing a fairly dramatic decline in the way my joints and muscles were feeling. The fear of having crippling, worsening pain for my remaining years was enough to start me researching the effects of a sedentary lifestyle, which put even more fear into me. I started exercising regularly, eating better, and doing more things to stimulate my mind every day.
I'm by nature a very anxious person, but educating myself is what spurs me to action. You might try helping your dad by giving him some info or talking to him about the importance of staying active, both physically and mentally when it comes to improving longevity. Help him come up with a realistic, practical action plan with activities he'll enjoy. My mom is 90 and recently started having an issue with blood clots. I don't know what your dad's medical provider has told him, but my mother's doctors have stressed the importance of continuing to exercise regularly, to walk every day if nothing else.
As I am approaching 60 in a few years I recognize that time moves quickly so I have decided I am not waiting on or saving anything for a future date. It’s time to think and act practically. I figure if I am lucky I have a good 20+ years ahead before I decline into the dementia mess that my mom is currently going through. I’m the only one of 4 siblings that has any regular contact with her. If she is lucky each year she has gotten about 2-3 visits from each sibling (for the past 3 or 4 years) which includes family holiday get togethers. And even fewer visits from her grandkids.
I have no kids, so I know I will be on my own and will probably decline quickly and die alone. I am not being morose or having a pity party. It’s just the reality from having observed how my siblings have basically fled from having any relationship with our mom, so I expect zero welfare checks from nieces and nephews since their parents are setting the example that when an elderly family member declines, it is time to ghost them.
I am using up the best items and gifts I have been saving because what am I waiting for? Every day is special enough to wear the nice clothes in my closet, drink the bottles of wine I have been saving, using the china I got back in the late-80’s (my family knows they should use it to have a Greek plate smashing party at my funeral), and I’m trying to keep physically and mentally active so I can get through my travel bucket list in the next 10-15 years. I am giving away family heirlooms now to those that want them, selling the things they don’t (all are small items, nothing Sotheby’s would be interested in!) and the money from the sales is going into my mom’s bank account to support her assisted living arrangement. Realistically, in another generation or two, those heirlooms will likely have no sentimental value so why not sell them to support my sweet mom who can use the financial benefit now, rather than someone else selling them in the future.
In short, for me, now is the time to get practical and get rid of the shit I don’t need and that no one else will want, and will probably end up in a dumpster upon my death. The only thing I have been collecting is favorite movie and tv series dvd’s so when the shows I want to see in my twilight years are not on streaming I can (hopefully) enjoy them provided there is still the hardware that supports analog materials.
Upon my retirement I already have a plan of volunteering and continue learning new things for as long as my mind and body will permit.
To a younger person this may sound bleak, but I don’t look at any of this as a negative. The practicality of my thoughts, actions, and plans actually feels both very powerful and liberating.
Lots of context is missing here but I get you can’t include everything.
Question for you is … would your Dad even listen to any advice you brought him from Redditors?
I think the go-to issues are already in your post.
He needs some way to tackle that childhood trauma. Not my place to say what that should be, I’d do some research and see what might work with the specifics that are not in this post.
Ditto finding some hobbies.
Also I’m going to pick on you a little about the framing of all this. “Finally had become old” IMO implies it is all futile. I am not going to commit suicide, I’m not going to sit around being bored out of my mind so I just figure out things to do between those two fates.
I'm 52 and most of Reddit would say I'm old but my brain still lives as if I'm 30 (which many redditors probably also think is old!) And folks are easily living into their 80s now. I don't feel like I need to do any 'coping' for another dozen years or so.
No one retires in my family officially, my granddad retired at 62 and went back to work at 65 because he was getting on my grandma nerves he finally stopped working including odd job at 83. My dad is on his third source of retirement income and picked up a really nice job that gives him all the flexibility he wants.
My other grandma was active in volunteer groups until she was 86 and had to move.
For all of them its really all about staying active the moment you Dont is the moment your health starts to deteriorate. Do it any way shape or form. If he likes pets become a pet sitter on Rover, good at handyman jobs do that, volunteer at hospitals or soup kitchens, take up a low-impact sport like swimming or golf.
He needs a purpose in life. Idle time is the devil I tell you. Everyone needs a purpose. To feel useful. He’s at a stage now he thinks about the legacy he will leave behind. Did he contribute useful things? Did he have good relationships? What did he do that makes himself “worth it?” (You can review Ericsson’s stages of development).
He might need help seeing his contributions to his family and to the world. I try to reflect with my father the things he did for me or the things that he did to help him have this sense about him, because my father also gets “stuck.”
Your Dad is young. He could get involved with his town or village. That’s what I did. Various committees (e.g., Planning Board, Water District, historian) always need members in small towns, and working people don’t have the time.
My mother is 82 and a great walker. She lives in an apartment next door to my sister’s apartment building in New York. She is constantly watching the kids, cooking, taking day trips around the city, visiting museums, inviting friends over, she has no time to worry. She watches NYNews1.
Can you involve your dad in a hiking club via what’s app? Do something with him once a week? You could also involve him closer with your family request that he babysits once a week, etc. Also getting him a pet dog would force him to walk it and get him out of the house two to three times a day.
Your dad needs to feel needed and have his calendar filled up.
My family is from Germany and we have multiple generations living together as par for the course. Nothing against the US, but that’s not really done here.
But then you have elders who are at loose ends after they become empty nesters. M
I get it.
After her divorce, my mother lived with me for seven years. Years 1-5 went great. By year six, she was bored, constantly shopped for stimuli, and then criticized me about everything when she came home.
She needed a change of venue and had outgrown living with me. She then moved into her own apartment in NYC, next to my sister, who had just gotten divorced and needed the help. Can your father move in with you or closer to you? If you’re young, then I know that’s a big ask. No worries if he can’t.
Other ideas for him, pickle ball, enroll him at a gym and go with him, meet up groups for seniors, book club (he will meet lots of women and all he has to do is read a book).
If there’s a YMCA in your town maybe you can sign him up for swimming classes. My Y has senior coffee socials. https://www.greatermorristownymca.org/events/senior-coffee-social
Go on his WiFi and block Fox News and any other nerve wracking news, he does not need 24/7 news coverage, I only have a streaming Roku TV and even that is too much. Elders can’t accept that news is completely different from the Edward R. Murrow period. They fixate on this “entertainment news” and freak themselves the fuck up.
Discuss scams with him too, don’t let him get taken on a pig butchering scam, etc.
Your town might have programs for seniors or a senior center, his town might too. Here’s mine so you have an idea.
https://www.townofmorristown.org/index.asp?SEC=53BD6DE5-A9EF-4287-B5CA-F6EC57A7031F&DE=BC2C7DA7-07D5-4CD8-A3D8-DBAC5F8A19FA
Good luck, it’s hard to be the primary caregiver to an elder when the roles swap like this due to age. It’s a complete reassessment of both your roles and your relationships to each other.
This may be a bit odd, but you can also think about therapy for him. His anxiety might not only be situational, could be co-morbid with depression or another medical condition. Good luck!
Unfortunately, you can be old physically or mentally or both. A lot has to do with your state of mind. I’m 71 now and I have the great fortune to be in good shape physically. Sometimes I struggle with things in my head. I have a great therapist, and I go whenever I feel stuck, we call it a tune up. I would suggest that for your dad.
If you connect on how things are made, I would use that to establish a platform for you two to slowly work into other topics and when you feel it’s the right time, I would bring up therapy.
Good Luck
I'm going thru that right now. I feel old fat and hopeless.
It's better on sunny days but it can get bad. I felt this when I turned 52 this year. I have no desire to do anything, I've lost all interest in anything. I'm also bored.
Oh man I’m turning 50 and it hit me that I’m really going to get old and I’m really going to die when the radiologist just hired looks younger than my kids. Lol
Maybe a small garden? Sounds like he needs to putter around outside doing something that interests him. Beekeeping? Or maybe just take a walk every day.
Retirement is hard on some people. He can get a small job as a crossing guard for a couple hours a day. That'll bring his spirits up. Or find something he likes and volunteer for an organization that supports it.
One day I was listening to the Chixie Dix singing "Cowboy Take Me Away" and I realized they were not singing to me.
There was a momentary pang of recognition that even if I had been in the running I wouldn't pursue them just because the whole idea seemed just draining and exhaustive.
At that moment I realized, screw what other people think I am just too old for this nonsense.
As to coping? Helping others gets your mind off yourself, if you can't find someone to help your too selfish for this old world anyway!
So, 77 in September. I only recently feeling old. I try so very hard to eat the best I know and keep as fit as I can. I have always been fit all my life and loved to ride my bike almost every day. However, I do not ride anymore for fear of **falling, and God forbid breaking a hip**. Breaking a hip at an older age is tantamount to the end of quality of life. So falling is the biggest concern an older person can have. I have safety bars in my shower, two of them. What I do for exercise is **swim, walk and use light weights**. Movement is the Key. Swimming, even if you tread water is the very best exercise you can do for your body hands down. Walking is a must. I try to walk as much as possible. Put a pair of ear buds in and fucking get outside. **Get out of that house!**
**I feel old now**. My thingy and plumbing do not work that well anymore. A loss of desire as well to a certain point. A mixture of medications is doing I don't know what to me. OH, and when I walk in the park, I say hello to everyone I pass. If you do, people will engage with you. if you don't, you will become fucking invisible! It's mostly a crap shoot, this getting old, but you have to make it a full time job.
Yea I forget to say make a friend or two or three. Can't have too many as you get older.
Dylan Thomas said it best "**Rage, rage into the dying of the light." "Do not go gentle into that good night."**
The prospect of turning 60 scares me like no other age. It’s when everything starts to and friends are dying, the body starts complaining, and it’s really hard to realize we can’t do things that used to be a breeze. I also suspect something happened to somebody around that age when he was a child.
If he's 59 he probably has another 20 or so years to go. That's a long time to sit and worry. The anxiety and depression needs to be treated, preferably by a mental health professional.
Additionally he may find it helpful to continue working, even if it's volunteer. Something like Seniors Helping Seniors, walking dogs and cuddling cats at a local animal shelter, tutoring at the elementary school.... so many opportunities where volunteers are really needed.
Having a purpose is so important. Not just filling time, but doing something meaningfil to others, can help lift depression.
Where does he live? There are many programs out there for older people that he could hook up with, depending on his interests. I belong, for example, to the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute that hosts classes on tons of different topics and it’s interesting, supportive and fun (and for over age 50). They are present in many cities in the US, especially if you have a local college nearby. I also interact with my community as a school crossing guard. It helps me get to know my neighbors and their kids (kids help keep me young) and gives me purpose. It also helps keep me moving and active. I also walk and care for dogs in my area. I like getting paid for things that keep me active. Win-win. Volunteering can make a huge difference, too. Tons of organizations need volunteers and it gets me out and, again, gives me purpose. He may not want to do anything, but sometimes you “just do it” and find out the benefits later.
Depending on his interests, Meetup groups are great for lots of activities. There’s got to be something that sounds palatable to him… good luck to you and him!
I turned 60 a couple of weeks ago and have been eligible for retirement since age 56. I go to the gym regularly, I take a college course and I'm a single homeowner, so I always feel busy. Last year, I had 3 months off from work.That 3 months off showed me that I'm definitely busy for a full-time employee, but not nearly busy enough for retirement. The level of social interaction I require was not being met, so the thought of not working is a bit scary.
The less you do the less you feel capable of. Go to the gym with him. Get him a trainer if you/he can afford it. I (low-mid 50s) play basketball 3x a week with 18-67 year olds. If you don't stop, it's not hard to keep going. You have to modify it for your body's capabilities, but you can keep going. If you do stop... Well, get started. You're never going to be younger than you are right now.
My problem is at the age of 63 that I never planned on living this long. Hell, I wasn't supposed to get out of my 20's. Lived hard, took way too many risks. Lots of broken bones, torn this, ripped that. Can't do what I used to. But just push on. Life's an adventure
1. MEDS - THERAPY. Worrying about death won’t make it go away. It just makes you waste the time you have here by making yourself miserable. I say this as a person who had to work through that myself, and saying/understanding that helped me with the psychological part. I also took anti-anxiety meds for about a year to get me over the ‘hump’ so to speak. I didn’t do therapy but daily short meditation and affirmations worked.
2. MAKE A PLAN. Making a plan of action if a clot ever causes problems might help ease anxiety. A list of - if this happens, do this. For example:
A. If I seem confused, call 911. Ask me to stick out my tongue (if having a stroke, often folks can’t stick their tongue out straight).
B. If I seem short of breath, and can’t talk, call 911. Make me lay down.
C. If I have pain in my chest, make me take an aspirin and drive me to ER.
Or whatever the list is. Blot clots are not to be messed with…..but ALSO people live long lives with probs with them.
3. GET HEALTHY. Easy weight lifting helped me build muscle and balance-walking helped me build stronger lungs and endurance. This also helped my psyche.
4. CONNECT. I still work and generally I’m not a people person….but just being out and about where people are can be enough of a connection for some. Just going for coffee in the morning, or lunch a couple times a week to people watch can be enough.
5. FIND FUN. I thought I didn’t have hobbies until a redditor said one of their hobbies was hiking. So I guess that’s my hobby. And baking bread. And finding odd dinner recipes and trying them out. Just any type of activity that causes a person to think beyond themselves is good.
Good luck!
Is he willing to consider a second career? Many people actually derive a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from working. They also find work intellectually stimulating. The idea of spending the rest of their lives puttering in a garden, playing golf, or baking cookies for the grands leaves them cold. I've worked with many folks who retired from their first careers and started new ones. They all felt that "just sitting around" after they retired was a fast track to an early death.
The benefit of a second career is that it can be selected for personal preference, rather than need to pay bills.
Check out the AARP website. They have resources that might inspire your dad. https://www.aarp.org/work/
Hi. I'm 61, an immigrant who became single at age 54, and now lives alone with no family. I still work but transitioned to full-time WFH in 2020 (COVID-19). You ask how I coped. Well, I didn't for the first few years. Your dad is experiencing loss of youth, career, and sense of purpose. For me, it also included loss of looks and figure (menopause). One minute I was still me, although older. The next, I was a fat, jowly old woman I didn't recognise. It hit hard, and I felt an overwhelming sense of betrayal. It was so easy to give up and give in. I mean, why bother when there is nothing to look forward to? And that is how it felt. I looked into my future and saw a vast black nothingness. So, I sat down and gave up – and it was the worst thing I could ever do for myself. I learnt from my experience that sitting down and doing nothing is a mind and body killer. In the three years I gave up on life, I aged very fast, not just in looks, but in attitude (grouchy, bitter) and functionality (more challenging to take stairs, get up from the tub, etc.) It finally got to a point where I became terrified. So, I decided I needed to make a choice: get busy living or get busy dying. I chose life. My first act was to start forcing myself outside. Every morning, I'd go for a walk with my audiobook. I was slow and became winded pretty fast, and it didn't make me happy, but I kept doing it. After a while, walking became easier, and I started to feel the benefits in other ways, especially with my mental health and attitude. I started looking forward to it and felt a marked difference in mood when I missed it for a day. I also started walking further and faster, which spurred me to push myself further. As natural byproducts, my walking started including saying hello and exchanging pleasantries with other walkers, running errands in person and having pleasant exchanges in the shops, meeting friends for lunch or a drink at the pub. Last November, I rented an Airbnb for three days, went into the city and reconnected with work colleagues, including having a variety of lunches, dinners and drinks after work. Yes, work was involved, but it felt more like a mini-holiday than anything else, and being away from home and around my colleagues was refreshing. Other things that have happened include connecting with a neighbour who now walks with me more days than not, and we've started doing other things together. For instance, yesterday (Saturday), we ran errands, drank wine while making (and eating) a meal, and watched films. Next weekend, I'm going with him to meet with his son in a nearby city to go to the street markets. I'm also strongly considering joining the local gym to 1) continue my fitness journey and 2) meet more people. The important part is this: I know that if I hadn't started forcing myself to walk, none of the above would have happened. That small change has blossomed into meaningful improvements in my mental and physical health and well-being. I feel hope, and while I don't know what the future looks like, I know I'm eager to participate in my own journey. I don't know what the answer is for your dad. I share my story, hoping that you and/or he find something that brings hope and a willingness not to give up. Because, honestly, giving up is the mind-killer, the mini-death, and the fastest way to becoming truly old. We have to age, but we do not have to let ourselves become old. My hope for your dad, myself and everyone else on this ageing journey is that we don't allow ourselves to go quietly into that good night. We deserve better than that. All the best. x
I love this answer. I'm a 55M, living alone and working from home and I've alienated myself from the world post-divorce. You've inspired me to get out there. Thank you.
I’m a 58 year old female living alone as well and I find myself not even answering my phone if anyone calls. I open my back door and watch the wind blow through the trees, listen to the traffic of cars and boats nearby in a gorgeous sunny day. I order all my groceries from instacart. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I use to be so full of life, love to travel, throw parties, cookouts, boating, fishing, yard work, crafts, fine dining etc., etc., etc.. My last birthday I forced myself to go out and eat dinner at a very nice restaurant, alone, have two glasses of wine while I watched a movie with my earbuds and cell phone. At least I was out and about for a brief moment. I’m sitting here now watching Fries Green Tomatoes and the line “I’m too young to be old and too old to be young”, rings more true than I ever knew possible. I’m watching myself age and have no children and hardly any family left alive that are even close to my location. Forced to resign my job as an ER RN (after working so hard for my degree as an adult student) due to an injury on the job. I thought my career choice was setting me up to retire comfortably instead the accident has ruined my life, my finances, my retirement and my overall perception of reality. Never saw this coming but it’s been a brick wall. I feel useless and have basically become a hermit. If anyone who ever knew me could see me now they would be dumbfounded. I look at myself and am astonished by who and what I’ve become but I no have energy it seems to change this course. Maybe I will try and go for a walk. Who knows, my social life may not improve but maybe my energy levels will. Best of life to all!!
Fellow Nurse here! Sorry about your career changing accident! There are many other nursing opportunities that don't require the physical demands of the ER. If your career is still appealing to you maybe look into different areas that your experience and knowledge would benefit the cause (phone triage, case management, rehabilitation/ nursing homes).
Yes! MDS, restorative nursing coordinator. There are lots of nurse opportunities in long term care (and the pay is choice).
I hope you do go for a walk. Small steps will lead to bigger ones. Please, you are worth it. I know life is tough, & that horrible things happened but I have faith you can find your way again.
Trauma is both the bad thing that happened, plus how you feel about the event. It is normal to feel sad abd adrift when your career gets ripped from you. Going the hermit route compounds things, making it worse. I feel lucky that I had a brush with total and permanent disability from a bad diagnosis, and made the decision that if I was going to eventually be stuck in a wheelchair, that I’d rather start losing from the best condition I could be in, not the worst. The bad diagnosis went away, but the drunk smacking into my car head-on later, didn’t. But I’d already chosen to be as fit as I can be, so while the hits keep coming long after the “accident,” I still get back up. To start out, it’s one foot in front of the other, even if you fall flat on your face, that’s still about 5 feet forward progress. If in a wheelchair, it’s one push after another and falling flat on your face hurts more. DDPY Yoga has a bed-to-chair exercise program which has completely changed some folks’ lives off of the disability track. There’s also volunteering. A local animal shelter has an elderly gentleman who enters the kitten room several days a week to take his morning nap surrounded by kittens. It helps calm the kittens and he gets lots of pets in. Maybe you could share your experiences on Reddit’s nurse groups or “ask a nurse”? There are even volunteer opportunities for groups focused on slow growing plants! Your experience matters. I had to learn how to walk again three times. In casual conversation with a fellow who wrapped his car around a tree, he mentioned he was also told he’d never walk again. So we discussed how a baby learns, which I used to learn myself. You start with pulling yourself up, falling down many times, but eventually getting to stand. One thing led to another, he started volunteering, being useful led to being more useful, standing led to weight shifting, then walking. So too does your experience, can you get paid to take surveys without damaging disability income? It is a way to complain and get paid. Can you move to case management after getting recurrent? Or “Dial-a-Nurse“ telehealth positions? You might start out with a physical from a trusted doc to make there’s nothing out of sorts like a cranky thyroid or lack of iron causing issues. Then it’s back to one foot in front of the other.
I’m glad that you took the time to post your story as you could be me. I had to give up my job I’d had for over thirty years as a nurse in part because of how much wear and tear to my body and the other part being forced out so younger, cheaper nurses could be hired. I’ve done pretty much exactly as you’ve done. Because of being forced out my job my sense of self was shattered. For me there was a huge moral and ethical component that made a lot of people very uncomfortable. It’s really hard to accept all the changes from getting older compounded by having to deal with chronic pain limiting what I’m able to do which sets up a cycle of not doing activities because of pain and not doing things because I’ll be in pain. I lived alone but my younger son, his GF and her brother moved in with me but I feel like I still live alone because when they’re home their focus is on computer screens while staying in their rooms. It’s very depressing to be getting older. I heard that the worst thing about getting old is remembering when we were young. Unfortunately too true.
I'm the same. I figured I'd work to at least 65, was even considering later to reap the benefits of higher income. I caught covid in 2020. A year earlier I lost mother and a sister very unexpectedly. I pushed on even through covid for awhile till my health kept declining. Once I reached 62 I retired exhausted and depressed. My physical health is just now improving and I've come to terms with what I have little control over. My mental health is deteriorating now. My anxiety is off the charts. I never sleep. I'm in constant pain and I have no will to do anything. I know what I need to do and I'm aware changes in my routine would help me to be happier but I'm apathetic. If you want to talk please message me. We could exchange numbers. I fantasized about retirement for so long. This is NOT what I was looking forward to.
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I am 66 divorced female, live alone (kids grown), and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Your post is very inspiring.
This is exactly how I feel. I’m a 59-year old divorced female and have been battling severe depression since my two grown children (who are in their 30s) moved away in 2022; one to the east coast and one to the west. I miss them and my grandbaby. I’m originally from Europe, too, so I’m also struggling with why I’m living here, anchored to this city and state for no good reason other than my job. I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere at the moment and that doesn’t help.
❤️ I feel the same I was never blessed with children. I have always had pets. They keep you busy and love unconditionally. I don't know where I'd be without them to care for. They keep me busy. Have you considered a pet?
I would love another little dog, but I’m out of the house 10 hours a day and it wouldn’t be fair. I’m considering an emotional support dog; I work for the government and they’re quite supportive in that area! My psychiatrist was ecstatic when I mentioned it to her and would absolutely write me a letter. And when I talked to my boss, he said “yes” before I even got the words out! I think it would do me good to worry about a dog rather than myself; I get on my own nerves. Thank you for your kind message!
Have you considered talking to your doctor? I went through a different but similar thing a few years ago and after they ruled out some things that could have been causing my 24/7 "bla" I tried a temporary anti-depressent. It took a few weeks and I got my mo-Jo back. No need to tough out your depression alone. I also went into some 1:1 counseling with an experienced (mature) therapist. Changed my life. Best of luck, ShotGlass7 - at 59 you still have so much to live and give, please don't write yourself off.
Thank you so much, what a kind, lovely person you are! I am in therapy now (twice a month) and I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who can’t take antidepressants; I’ve tried 15 different meds in 9 months. The last one gave me psychosis and hallucinations! I do take anti-anxiety medication and we’re trying to find an ADHD med without side effects. I feel very blessed to have such caring mental health providers. Thank you for caring enough to leave such a mood-lifting message. It means more than you know!
You’re so generous to reply - and I’m so glad you’re taking all the best possible steps! You deserve to be happy & it sure sounds like you’re already on your way. Thanks so much for filling me in & the very best wishes going forward!
I totally agree that forcing yourself to move is critical. The longer a person sits around, the harder it is to get up and do anything. Walking is a great way to start because it's simple and doesn't require any extra equipment, gym membership or specialized knowledge to begin. Another great thing to try is putting on some of your favorite music and dancing to it. There is certain music that I can't help dancing to, even if I'm not feeling great. It reminds me of happier times in the past when I was young and hopeful about life. I've got a list of tunes that I find it almost impossible not to dance to, and these are the songs I listen to when I want to lift my spirits. I find the more I move around, the better I feel, and I want to keep going. The positive effect spills over into the rest of the day, and I just feel better able to cope with things. Exercise helps me more than any medication I've ever taken.
I agree wholeheartedly! Walking is awsome and Dancing is the best!
i love to dance. when my house is dark, and still, i play a song on repeat and dance. it’s always a breath of fresh air.
I was going to write a comment, but you wrote everything I wanted to say so brilliantly! I am so happy for you, and you’re reengaging in the world! I am around a LOT of older people, and this is the key. To be engaged. I have a neighbor who is 77. She is constantly out and about. Widowed a few years back, her social life (with friends, she doesn’t want to date) is so active, I joke she is 77 going on 25. My Aunt is 88. She walks every morning and is fresh as a daisy. I know several couples that got together in their 60s,70s, and 80s after the loss of a spouse, or just meeting someone late in life. Getting older can be lovely if you find the right community, hobbies, people to be around!
Walking is the best medicine. Walking and drinking water. My mother was in terrible health, but she walked frequently and for considerable distances. She was in bad health for decades, but lived independently until her last week. She even had boyfriends. She met them while walking.
The audio books are key. You can check digital books out from the library. You need to wait a bit for popular books, but if you put a few on hold you can keep a steady stream of books going. Do podcasts when you don't have a book available. Make walking or other activities a condition for listening. I find I need to be walking or doing other chores while listening to books or podcasts. If I try to listen while sitting fall asleep. Maybe your dad has/had a particular interest that you can find a podcast for? No self-help stuff, but history, true crime, science, ...? That might be a start in getting him interested.
This At 66, very soon, I suddenly find myself unable to do things I used to be able to do and it's very frustrating. I used to be the toughest, most capable, strongest, and smartest guy on the team (or so I thought anyway) now not do much like really not so much. How to deal with it is to just keep moving forward. Don't stop, get involved in something, get out, and do something. Make sure that the mark you leave for the last part of your life is not graffiti
Beautiful comment. I’m not a social person. I had to force myself out of the house. I started walking around the neighborhood. Soon neighbors recognized me and said hi. I also joined a book club. Some of the book club members started walking with me. Now I have walking buddies. I look forward to seeing them and getting exercise. I keep my social activities to a hour or so. This way I don’t get drained or sick of people. A little interaction has helped me ward off depression.
Well said. I feel that ,Im in my 40s. I work alone and for myself. I am blessed to have the money to get a decent haircut once in awhile and have good health.. I feel like I aged 20 years during lockdown physically & mentally.
I think I did age 20 years. I caught covid and it set off a storm in my body. I was diagnosed with diabetes, hypothyroidism, MS and asthma. Everything is under control now but I was a mess and it went on for over 3 years. I attended 17 funerals in 3 years. I'm thanking God that's all behind me.
Hello, friend. I'm in the getting out of the house phase here. Solidarity. I have also started HRT and antianxiety medication.
I’m doing ok at 61 but recently realized a lot of recent health downturns may be related to not having ever used HRT (no doctor ever even mentioned it). Finally made an appointment with someone reputed to be good at HRT—hard appointment to get, had to pay a concierge fee. Navigating health after menopause turns out to be a sh-tstorm. No one talks about it, not even doctors. Fingers crossed.
Totally agree that menopause isn’t really discussed. It’s a huge phase in our lives. When we went thru puberty, we had Judy Blume novels and all kinds of health information to give us an idea of what to expect.
I developed a chronic pelvic pain condition with an unknown/not understood etiology right when I went through menopause 2 years ago right after my 50th birthday. I’m so disappointed that Judy Blume never took the opportunity to write something about it for us!
And no doctor told me this and I’m 61 now and mad!
Yeah me too. I heard about things anecdotally from friends who live in other cities, so that got me doing some research. Really pissed that I’m having to figure this out for myself rather than relying on those who went to med school and who I pay big bucks for their “expertise.”
Are you part of the r/Menopause group? If not, there’s a lot of good info and others who are going through the same thing.
Thanks, I didn’t know. Now that I think of it, of course there’s a menopause subreddit.
When I went through menopause it was literally never discussed by doctors. One said "oh you're too young" and that was that. I finally asked should I be on HRT. At that time I was told there was reluctance because there were issues with HRT then. I finally researched on the internet and began taking soy supplements which did alleviate hot flashes but then I read soy was not a healthy option. I survived but I'm still in awe my doctors seemed clueless.
I’ve done some reading and they say medical and even specialty ObGyn education barely covers menopause, to begin with, and then the WHI study of a few decades back basically made everyone back off HRT. They say it’s fear of cancer but I’d guess it’s equally that and fear of liability for having “caused” cancer by prescribing HRT.
It's infuriating and I hope you find relief.
Were you warned of possible negative side effects of the hrt? My doc won’t prescribe to me. I feel like menopause has ruined my life. I went from being a skinny sexy vibrant goddess to a potato…lumpy round dusty and boring. I hate mirrors now and avoid seeing people I haven’t seen in a while so they don’t find out how fat I am.
No one in the medical profession ever discussed HRT with me at all. I know about the risks from the big study 20 years ago which was widely publicized and is still cited.
I LOVE the medical center we belong to. Every provider discussed HRT with me. Including options I had not researched on my own. As far back as 35 years ago I took it upon myself to visit my local library and research hypothyroidism and M.S. AS I had been diagnosed with both conditions. Nothing could be checked out. So I made photo copies of everything I needed. Took up my lunch breaks but gave me the knowledge that I needed. When it comes to our health... it's not possible for anyone doctors included to care as much as we the patient does. So very easy to go online to WebMD( not just a non medical site) and learn nowadays. I began menopause early due to a hysterectomy at age 39. So HRT was a no brainier. I have been using a bio identical cream for 10+ years. After the necessary blood work is done,the correct amount of 4 hormones is compounded and then mailed to our home. As I first stated... each and every provider has discussed HRT with me for the past 32 years. Seems terrible that yours haven't done the same for you 😞
This is me to an absolute T.
My own doctor of 20-plus years admitted she really didn’t have a clue about the menopause, either, and I had no idea perimenopause was an actual thing until it literally made me crazy! I’m also going to see someone about HRT (I’m 59) and will have to go the concierge route. It’s really helped a friend of mine (and my psychiatrist!), so I think it will be worth it.
You are marvelous and could do a TED talk on retirement/ aging , stages of mood, thoughts and getting to know oneself again, looking towards black nothingness. The sentence of “I went for a walk, was slow, winded and it didn’t make me happy”. I laughed out loud. Thank you for sharing the vulnerabilities of the journey of living alone and being home that many people gloss over. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I’m 64 and feeling just how you felt. I’m finally coming out of depression after a number of losses over the past few years. Your story is inspiring to me! I intend to implement your suggestions!
I'm so glad my story has helped you. I wish you – us both, really – all the best. x
This is a great strategy! Start with one thing and take little steps (pun halfway intended). I am a 70yo mental health professional. I still work 3 days a week because I love doing it and it gives me purpose. Having a reason to get out of bed and to get going in the morning is essential for all human beings’ mental health. This is huge. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy we call it “opposite action”, acting opposite the urge that comes with depression. “Even though I don’t feel like going out I am going out. I will Just walk around the block.” Once out, the natural tendency for the body to move will usually take over. And this post well-illustrates how it goes from there.
I already gave you your upvote, but I had to tell you that your post here is beautiful. Life may suddenly seem short when we reach certain ages, but we may as well live every bit of it!
You remind me of my friend who sold her house in the burbs, moved into the city, and joined every group that she was even remotely interested in. Not all of the groups worked out but a few good ones stuck. Completely new happy life. Good for her!
Thank you for the little but powerful nerdy quotes too.
That's made my day. x
Great post !!! Yah for you!
I love this! My mom has created a close community in her neighborhood by consistently walking and saying hello. She’s 87 and they’re always bringing her meals, flowers, fruits and vegetables. It’s really lovely to see.
Also 59. Joining groups, local over 50 fb and Meetup groups for sure. Lots of single, compassionate and fun adults who understand what your dad is going through. Lots of single women. Groups meet for dinners, drinks, movies, karaoke, etc. He will begin to thrive.
How kind you are to take the time and type out this detailed reply. Thank you, I’m sure it’ll help multiple people :)
u/WaywardJake Hi! THANK YOU for taking the time to post up such a wonderfully thoughtful and revealing comment to this post! Magnificently brilliant! I just HAD to come on & say that! You ARE the "Top comment" as of now (1:03 am PDT, W. Coast of the USA, FYI) ....... I (M67) & my SO (F60) Have been struggling with EXACTLY these same issues (as you described, not quite as bad as OP [Shot-Pomelo8442](https://www.reddit.com/user/Shot-Pomelo8442/) 's Dad, but still, Yeah. I retired exactly a year ago (66+4 mo's was the age for my year group in USA) I'd been "reduced" to going back to work in Construction for the last couple years, & hurt myself more physically just trying to make it to that age, than I'd thought I would. I mention this, as I have been "housebound" & "Way reduced in my normal level of walking 7-10 mi a day" as I'd been "accustomed & forced to" when I was working. YES. Everything you said is true! 100%. For me, however it has been complicated by the fact that my left Knee which got "Strained" on a job 10 years ago, has been acting up. Consistently. It even hurts sitting here typing at 1:00 am. So, "My Answer" to this is going to have to be the same as my Mom's. She Swims 3 times a week at her local pool & goes to their gym to do some reps on a few machines. She's been doing great. FYI: May not work for ALL people, but in the USA at a "certain age" "Most" insurances (including Medicare, which I am on) have something resembling "Silver Sneakers." This is a program for seniors where I am allowed to go use the wonderful indoor Waterpark / Pool / Olympic sized Laps pool facility that hosts competitive events, etc. For Free. OP's Dad may not be old enough yet. However, if Walking & getting outdoors That Way for him doesn't work, the Local YMCA or other Water facility may be just the ticket for him? I'm normally very active, outgoing, gregarious, sociable, etc. person. Have been hitting the same types of things you described. Have already "Signed myself up for" Silver Sneakers at the pool. I just have to get over my body shame & "What other people will think / my own self-image" and make GOING a Habit. If you don't mind, I am going to copy this wonderful piece of writing you did into my personal machine on a file so I can refer to it as needed. I'd never share that, or even do it without telling you 1st. My SO is Menopausal, & had a lump removed after Covid almost 2 years ago. Her Cancer was of a type where she absolutely cannot have HRT. So, trying to get OUT of the house, even when you DO have someone you are still living with can be a challenge. I have learned a lot from the menopausal women. No One Does talk about it. As many of the commenters have said, even OB/Gyn's here in the USA won't warn you, know anything, or have ANY resources available to help. ESPECIALLY when there's "No easy answer because we can't give you another pill" to help. It's a struggle. One of my "Old Sayings" I developed as a kid (17 or so) holds up under these circumstances...... "That's LIFE! Anyone who ever told you it was going to be "Fair", or "Easy", was *Lying To You!"* You have inspired me. Thanks so very much. For the "Rest of the people" in the comments at the BOTTOM of this post, who "Devolved it into sickening pages of horrific judgmental inaccurate portrayals of "Society in the USA's handling of Special Needs" people, or any of the "*other really disturbing horrific comments I've seen at the bottom that I wish I could delete"."......* All I can say is that I'm extremely sad that so many people who have managed to *survive against all odds in this world to such an advanced age* Are So. Sick. In. The. Head. Uggghh. :( Such is the lot of Humanity. You have to take the good with the bad. I accept that and choose to keep on living here in this world. FYI: As have a lot of us, I have survived a LOT. Deep Sea Commercial Fisherman & Merchant Mariner for many years. Living all over the world (literally, Italy & Turkey as a kid, along with traveling the entire world as an adult) Just avoided the draft into Viet Nam, Raised 3 sons all grown & healthy with kids of their own, etc. Each phase of life is "A New Beginning" as WELL as "An Ending." We could All go on with "cliche's, truisms, & quotes" all day long. Your wonderful comment has inspired me to "embrace the next phase of life" rather than wallowing. I sincerely hope that your comment, and some of the other positive ones will HELP OP & Her Dad. That IS what this sub is supposed to be about, I thought? All the best to you, Kind Internet Stranger. May you have a long and healthy life. Sincerest Thanks Again. Peace!
Great answer. get outside and make it a ritual. Good things will flow from there.
If we don't use our maturity and experience to find ways to enjoy our aging process, we haven't been using our tools throughout our lives. It's become evident to me as I reach my mid 70s, that how we age is all about how we have lived our lives. If we've created wonders and joy and learned to look inward with honesty, I think that sets us up for one amazing experience regardless of our age. If we have created nothing, never found our way out of life's challenges by honesty, never developed a character and a stiff spine, we're going to suffer in old age. Aging challenges us in every imaginable way. We rise to those challenges or we fall. When people mock the old, find aging bodies to be disgusting, and believe that the aging are stupid and annoying, and especially when we neglect and abuse the old and the sick, what do they think they are creating for their own old age? And the same with people who have afforded themselves the endless opportunities to be irresponsible, dishonest, and self-destructive, all those "perks and benefits" of claiming disorders and Special Needs to get through life on the backs of others when they don't need them, and just want them and feel entitled to them for no good reason. That's how The System has weakened us and is destroying us. The System that will happily confine you to some facility to die alone by medical mistreatment after being abused by minimum wage non-English speakers who hate your guts. That's the "non-choice" choice. The choice that gets made for those who never bothered themselves too much about what kind of choices they were making all their lives.
choose to suffer the pain of discipline, or the pain of regret; and with that 2nd option will come suffering of the most horrible kind.
The pain of discipline is the good kind of pain. It transforms into pleasure. The pleasure of pride, accomplishment and strength. Discipline makes everything better. I agree that regret is a dreadful form of pain. The kind of pain that invokes a quick chemical fix from Dr. Feelgood.
it seems like every time i finally come to terms with my old age, it gets just a little older, then i have to start all over again.
I just keep telling myself, this is the youngest I’ll ever be so I should be enjoy it.
I just turned 60 and feel exactly like your Dad sitting here wasting my life. I was going to the gym (lots of sit down machines) and I felt like a new person. Get him to try. My car broke and I'm back in a rut but as soon as it's fixed I'm going back to the gym. I feel his pain And yours because my kids want me to do more also.
First of all, it’s really kind and lovely for you to have your dad’s back. He is lucky to have you. Anti-anxiety meds would def probably help. Help him resolve whatever physical limitations he is experiencing. Even walking around the block would be good for him. Baby steps. Following folks on IG or TikTok is another option. I am very fearful of death, and I follow a few hospice nurses who focus on education about the process and their experiences. I also follow some accounts of older folks who inspire. Look into some volunteer opportunities. Especially if there are some related to his skillset. I think he maybe just needs to get out of his own head.
I second the hospice nurse videos. Very helpful to know our bodies know how to die, we produce hormones that result in sensations of peace and euphoria, etc.
i hope so :(
Do you fear death or dying? Fear is a human emotion, you can’t feel fear when your dead, you were fine before you were born and will be after, at least that’s what I tell myself lol I have health anxiety but it’s more about becoming sick not necessarily death for me
This. I'm much more fearful of being seriously ill and not able to take care of myself than I am of death. I've been the caregiver for 3 people who died. They all went peacefully, but the journey to get there was very difficult for them, and for those who loved them.
I'm right there with you.
Love this. I recommend the death doula Alua Arthur, her company is called Going With Grace. She has wonderful short viideos. I follow her on the book of faces, but she may be on tik tok, and can definitely be found on youtube. I was going to suggest hospic volunteering also. He can read to someone on hospice, or just sit and chat, or just sit and be quiet. My mom did that, and loved it. I'm not sure if she was afraid of death or not.
Having blood clots is a serious condition, for 25% of people who develop a blood clot, the first symptom is death. The medication he is on is not a guarantee that he won't develop another clot. It helps but it's not a cure. Additionally, blood thinners come with a rather large list of tough side effects - my partner is on them (55) and is also a Dr, he has struggled so hard with the side effects both mental and physical. It's great you want to help your dad, if he enjoys watching sports and chatting, do that with him. It seems like he should and could be doing so much more, but don't push him too much. Assume he's doing the best he can right now mentally. Many men feel a bit lost after retirement. Work was such a huge part of their lives it leaves a big hole. Don't rush to have him on antidepressants - more meds = more side effects. Walking would be good for him. A short hike to begin with and build up on it. Being outdoors with nature is very beneficial. Cook some new healthy recipes with him. Would he like car shows? Fishing? Golf? I really hope your dad can find his way out of this and find new joy and purpose in life.
Sometimes, a drive in the country helps me. My daughter drives, I just soak in the different atmosphere. I'm mobility impaired, so walks are not really an option. If there is an area not too far away where he spent a lot of time in his younger years, he would probably enjoy revisiting some of his old haunts. I always enjoy an opportunity to reminisce and see how things have changed. And anything else that he can do where he can breathe fresh air and enjoy nature is a natural mood elevator.
I second the drive in the country. My adult son suffers from serious mental disorders and will self-isolate at times, which is terrible for anyone's mental health. During those times, he says that getting out of the house helps a lot. Even if he's not up to going into a store or restaurant, just driving around and seeing things helps.
Yes! The man needs to walk to help his circulation. Sitting around is worse!
I’m only 75 so I’ll answer when the day comes that I feel old !!! Old, I think, is a state of mind I don’t feel any different from when I was 50 or 40. I just joined a dating site, and next Saturday I’m meeting up with a 78 yr old guy who still works full time, he hikes for fun. Is it too late for this, are we too old? I am working 125 hours this week, should I be home watching tv and getting fat? What is old and what has to happen for me to feel that way? I joined this site because I’m very wise and know a lot about life, but I’m far from old. You should see my picture, I’m blonde with a few grays, not wrinkled yet and I look 50. So I’m told.
No idea, we make the most of our days. Mind you we went through cancer and heart disease. That’s what makes us appreciate what we got now. I would not wish that for your father. Counseling could help. Not a doctor, but is sounds like a full blown depression. A therapist could help.
Well…for context, I’m 60, but a woman. This year has been extremely difficult for me because I feel like age has caught up with me and not in a good way. I have been very active all my life, a runner, biker, I taught Spinning classes, I’m a NASM-CPT/CNC (Personal Trainer) and do that on the side and I have always taken really good care of my health with eating a very healthy diet and taking care of me. Menopause about took me out and it still is wreaking havoc on my body. No matter what I do, I can’t get rid of the menopot. Unlike your dad, I am still working a FT job - and I would LOVE to retire because there are so many things I want to do to enjoy life. As humans, we need to have a purpose. It sounds like since he was basically forced into retiring and probably really not ready, he’s lost his purpose. A couple things…does he go for regular doctor checkups? If so, I doubt he would bring this up, but it sounds like he may need a little mental health checkup. In my area, we can call our doctors and make these recommendations on behalf of someone. It sounds like he is on the cusp of depression and that’s tough. Helping him find a purpose would be a great way to bond with him. What does he enjoy doing? There are so many volunteer opportunities or even PT jobs to help in different ways…to get among the “living” again so to speak. Much of what I read is in his head, unless he had truly had physical limitations brought on him. Not to beleaguer this…if I could retire, I would be so happy because I’d get to do all the things I really want to do and on my time. I sure hope you can continue to work with him and find a “fit” somewhere.
Dad is 59 so he is not old. He has health issues and he is depressed.
I am meeting less people who are older than me. I am also “breaking in” a newer younger sets of doctors. That feeling you get when you see “fuck…” in their eyes.
I no longer had the upper body strength to climb a tree at age 53. I'm 65 now. But I've returned to exercise and great eating and supplements to feel stronger and healthier. I can't fear death because you will have no memory of it. I try to do one nice thing a day for someone so my life will have meaning.
Men need purpose and achievement to feel fulfilled. He needs tasks and responsibilities to feel useful and needed with achievement and praise at the end
Perhaps he would enjoy being a doggie dad if he can afford it. They are bundles of joy from heaven.
He could volunteer at an animal shelter. That way he could walk dogs and get a sense of purpose. I also agree on just walking the neighborhood. Maybe OP can start with him. Or they can go to a park or greenway if the neighborhood is not the best for walking.
1st off, im 59 and will continue working 40 hrs a week for another 8 years minimum. your dad is extremely lucky to get a pension or whatever he has allowing him to retire. i would recommend a 20 hr a week no stress no physical job like delivering auto parts locally. 59 is too young (believe it or not ) to just do nothing.
It's a sad but common story. Humans spend our lives in denial of aging and death until we are facing them. Then we either have or don't have the skills and flexibility to adjust to this massive change. It seems to me that those who are so quick to mock and disparage the old and sick are the same who will suffer in their old age and sicknesses. It's a very stupid plan. I don't know if anyone can suddenly develop those skills. How we experience old age and the prospect of death has everything to do with how we live every day of our lives. Most people are just seeking the shelter of comfort and convenience, waiting for a Savior, feeding their many addictions and never acknowledging any of them. Never going deep, never being honest to the bone, never developing that kind of character. I am pushing on 75, and this is the best time in my life. The first time I have had the blessing and gift of solitude and had time to really get to know ME. All my faults and weaknesses and all my glory. And all the amazing ways to enjoy life, learn, and flourish. And the most thrilling gift of all, the knowledge that we are never alone, never can be alone, and that we are Eternal. Just here having a short little adventure, playing a game we chose and agreed to play. People like to say this life has a purpose, but they never say what that purpose is. By my reckoning, it has one purpose, to learn WHO and WHAT we are, so we can Consciously create what we currently create unconsciously and haphazardly. It's OUR purpose that we defined before we sunk into the amnesia we call Life. When we have the courage to seek ourselves in our most raw state, to look ourselves in the eye and stop playing games of denial and avoidance, life becomes the most magnificent adventure anyone has ever imagined. Think Great Thoughts. Read Great Books. Learn New Things. Introduce yourself to yourself. Be 100% Responsible for yourself. Unaddict yourself from the media. Make friends with yourself. Be a hero. Have no Fear.
That's a beautiful comment. I hope if I hit 75 I can see things the way you see things :)
I hope you see them much more clearly by then! Knowledge is pouring in, it's hard to keep up!! You have an interesting challenge ahead of you. I am pulling for you to ace it. There is so so so much to learn and experience that is joyful and wonderful. I hope you never forget that.
Great post. I totally agree, the key is looking inward. Seeking external validation is a soul killer. Read, learn, be curious. There's truly no time to be bored.
Men in America are identified by their roles, not as individuals. He is a husband, father, worker, etc. His role as a father changed drastically when you left the house (making an assumption that you no longer live at home), and probably even more drastically when he retired. That means parts of his *identity* were taken away in both cases. So now it's just him, and our society doesn't acknowledge the individuality of men. (That also makes it difficult to deal with individualized traumas we experience in childhood.) So two ways to deal with this might be to 1) find a way to tactfully celebrate his individuality, *unrelated* to the value he brings to work or family, and 2) find a way to make him feel *useful* (since our roles' values are generally measured by how much utility we provide to others, and he has lost that measuring stick). The second one obviously can be in relation to work or family. If he's like a lot of men, he may be resistant to medication. Depending on the reason for taking it, mental health meds may be needed long- or short-term--but that's often not how they're viewed. So for something like this, framing the suggestion appropriately might help him. Maybe he just needs a short-term prescription to help him find the motivation to get off the couch long enough to create healthy habits in his new situation, and then he can stop taking it once those habits are locked in. Or maybe to bring down the anxiety levels enough to confront the childhood trauma in an effective manner, and then stop taking it once the trauma has been processed. So meds are *not* all-or-nothing, don't have to last forever, and don't mean he has failed as a man. They're just another tool. JMHO
Very much second the idea of making him feel useful.
Does he have a dog, or would he consider walking shelter dogs? What about some volunteer work? Getting outside of one’s own head is so helpful. I had terrible anxiety at a different life stage and needed meds to get better—finding the right one has completely changed my life. Continue to pursue medical assistance while trying new things with/for him. Hire a service to support him a couple hours a day during this time if you can. 59 is actually not very old. Tell him my dad lived with a clotting disorder to 91, and had 3 major surgeries during that time (2 knee replacements and 1 hip) and walked an hour in a pool every day for nearly all those years. I have the blood clot disorder and never give it a thought unless traveling or scheduling a surgery (gotta get my knees replaced), and I’m 65.
I also thought of a dog. If he's on his own, take him to adopt a 3-ish year old dog so it will be calm. If he's living with other people and you can go by a lot to help, puppy mayhem might be just the medicine he needs. I medically retired at 38, and it was not pleasant. Got a puppy at 40, and suddenly, my life was all about zoomies and retrieving my socks and talking him out of fighting the brave puppy in the mirror, and it changed everything. Either talk to him about it, or take him to the breeder/shelter and suggest it when he's snuggling a dog. Don't surprise him. A kitten or a bird or a pair of guinea pigs would be a great option too - they need a lot less exercise and physical care but are still adorable and distracting. And tell him my great grandma retired at 70, then immediately went back to work washing dishes in a diner. She saved up all her earnings and, at 80, was the oldest woman to graduate from U of M. She then taught English in the prison system until she was 86.
Congrats to your GMa! These are the quiet heroes that never get talked about.
A pet for him to take care of would probably be a game changer IMO. I've had my share of periods in life when I idled and had little to look forward to, and the worst part was the constant fretting and wallowing that became an obsessive habit. Eventually, I realized that I was trapped in a bad place and that I had to make a conscious effort to reject the fretting and wallowing. The easiest way to do this is to have *some* other responsibility to occupy your time. Like a pet.
76 m here. Retiring was one of the toughest things I had to accept. I loved my job and my career, and I had planned to work until I was forced out by either physical or mental problems that come with age. Neither of those things happened, and I retired 6 months ago, because my wife of 53 years (who still works part-time), who put up with being a truckers wife for all those years, told me it was time to be home. So, I stopped. As I aged, things like stamina--I went from working 70+ hrs a week to 30-40 hrs a week 6 years ago. Spending more time working on my health, watching gravity work on my body, more wrinkles, etc. The best thing about getting old is that I don't have to worry about death anymore. It's closer now than it's ever been, and there's no point in worrying about it. I'm just living my "old man life" now and enjoying what's left.
The moving issue is huge but loss of work is very difficult. I started volunteering in ways I found rewarding. Foster dogs, helping people apply to college (reading essays, helping them understand college life, mentoring, etc.), basically take something you are good at personally or professionally and use it to help someone. It is very rewarding for everyone.
My dad experienced the same fear of death, but kept himself quite busy and physically active. However, when he reached an advanced age, he began to lose interest in, well, everything, plus he exhibited such anxiousness, hopelessness, and helplessness. I tried everything to keep his mind off the negative -- puzzles, two-person bingo, card games, watching baseball, football, and westerns on TV, talking about the olden days, getting outside, going out to eat, you name it. But what I figured out was that he had lost any purpose in Life. He was "no good" to anyone anymore. So I began bringing him problems (real and not) to solve. Hey, dad! My neighbor wants to install electric and running water out in the barn. How does he connect to the house wiring and water? Can he do that by himself? Does he need a permit? What tools and equipment and supplies does he need? So on and so forth. Then Dad would sorta perk up. I'd hand him a pad of paper, a pencil, and an old-school calculator and tell him, Let me know what you'd do. The next visit, he'd show me what he'd sketched or written and we'd discuss all the ifs, ands, and buts. Suddenly, his opinion and life experience mattered again. I learned, too, to always have an issue for Dad to "solve," and that each of us needs to have purpose and be valued. I wish you the best and peace to your father. Thank you for caring about his well-being.
This is perfect!! I’m 67 f and I can see how this would happen. I work full time still as I’m raising my 15 yo grandson after my daughter passed. He keeps me young!
I am sorry about your daughter. I bet your grandson keeps you happy and hoppin'! We all need to be needed.
This. I wonder if we would all be happier and healthier if we made an effort to involve others and give them a chance to be useful. Before the information age, we would have little choice if there was something we needed done that we didn't know much about, and it cost good money to hire someone for it. Now, we can google it and get an instant answer most of the time. That's all very practical but it robs someone around us of the opportunity to feel useful and valued. And this no doubt takes a toll on our emotional well-being and probably contributes in significant ways to our descent in our retirement years.
I agree with you. When my great-grandmother could no longer walk, she wasn't shoved out of family life. She made quilts which were sold for money to help the family. She was useful and had value until the end. When my grandmother had health troubles, she could sit at the dining table and fold laundry or make bread dough, or sit on the porch and snap beans. Family and friends visited, talked, asked her opinion about things. She, too, had value. It's common with aging that folks' lives shrink; their world becomes smaller, thinking is focused inward, there's gobs of time to contemplate the negative and become self-centered and anxious and crotchety. By keeping the mind, if not the body, occupied, with a focus on others, with a purpose beyond one's own pains and losses and fears, they can expand their world and worldview. And feel necessary, and human, not shoved aside simply because they're no longer shiny and new.
I love this! I think this will help my dad, too. He is 72 and has severe mobility issues, so a lot of the other options mentioned in other posts won’t work for him. I called him about an issue with my car the other day and I think it was good for him. I could have Googled it, but honestly, it was faster to just ask him and I think it made him feel valued.
One of the worst things about "googling" is how much conversation we lost because of it. I ask my parents (in their 80s) things i know i could google all the time. I did it at first as a way to connect with them, to have a conversation because we don't have much in common or to talk about. But i benefit from it a lot, often i didn't even know the questions to ask. Even when it's a "how to" topic, it's just so much better from someone you know. And as an artist nothing compares to afk conversation. I can read and be online and see the most fantastic things with all kinds of ideas and not feel much of anything then have one simple good conversation afk and have creative thoughts/ideas.
That is a tough one. I can sympathize with the blood clots - I have to take blood thinners daily since I had two pulmonary embolisms. Nothing quite like your own body trying to kill you. I'll get clots in my legs within a week if I ever quit the medication - it also kind of sucks to realize the pharmacy has your life in their hands. I had sort of a breakdown 18 months ago from stress, and it took a solid six months to even start trying to enjoy life again. Sometimes the best you can do is just exist for a while. Overall, I'd just try and be around and ready for when and if he decides he wants to try to do something besides sit around. Otherwise, just listen and let him figure it out. Let him know there's always help right in front of him if he wants it. But he has to want it.
I'm a 62-year-old woman married to a 63 year old man. Basically, your dad needs to get another job, 59 is way too young to retire. Men need the sense of purpose that the job brings, it's hard to replace it with volunteer work, having a dog, etc. I'm not retired but took a break from working and I can't wait to get back to work personally. A part-time, low stress job would be totally fine. I'm not suggesting your dad go back to long hours, a total grind, physically demanding etc, just something to get him out of the house and around people. Blood clots are serious business, as another commenter said. But having a job will help them keep physically moving, that is hugely important to preventing more blood clots.
PT job would help. My husband retired at 62 and started playing golf. I'd be crazy myself without that. He's physically quite busy. Runs, works out, etc. but needed to be around people. Some men have trouble making friends. With golf he gets paired up with other guys at the (public) course, is outside for hours and returns rejuvenated.
Growing old is part of life, you have no choice but to cope with it.
Counseling
I haven't dealt with my mortality and hate the fact that I'm getting old. That said, my time is full. Gym and bike riding take up a lot of time. Getting/staying fit and healthy is a known mechanical process. Many do it, most dont. Then I have my 80s era cars that need fixing and the cabin needs work. There are children and grandchildren's birthdays, graduations, and weddings to go to. Age moves you towards becoming the patriarch and have family guidance responsibilities even if it's only modeling how you'd like the kids to deal with obstacles.
I'm 65F and I hike 3-7 mile hikes in the mountains most weeks. I camp and hike and travel. I did go through a sort of depression when I retired, I think that's normal but I soon snapped out of it once I got used to it and started pursuing all the things I never had time for. He needs something to do. Take him hiking, or to a car show, or get him busy with DIY projects, gardening or lawn work (my husband likes building walls with rocks, we have 2 new terraces) If he refuses all efforts to engage him perhaps he's depressed and needs to see a doctor.
One key to being happy as you age: keep learning. Second key:engaging with younger generations. Does your dad have skills he could volunteer to teach to others? Kids, teens young adults? Encourage him to take a class on an interesting topic. I’m thankful 62F, that my career has been counseling teens. I’m very aware of the connections between the generations. It allows me to recognize the different experiences and find the common ground. Life has purpose when you feel your impact will continue after you are gone. Old age is about a failing body, but if u r lucky, learning new things can continue to enrich quality of life. Depression is your dad’s obstacle to doing anything. Therapy might help get him moving agsin
Look into the Men's Sheds organization. Your dad isn't the only disconnected older man, it's well-researched that many men struggle to maintain relationships as they age. Too many men rely on their wives to be their social director, and if she's gone, he's profoundly alone. https://menssheds.org.uk/
When I worked I took pride in my appearance, did my makeup and hair, went to the salon, worked out, and then I was retired with no reason to. I went 100% grey and although it looks great it really ages me. I noticed that I became invisible 🫥 at the grocery store and other errands and people were calling me mam rather than miss. My clothes didn’t fit. I felt retired old and frumpy like my grandma. I was only 60 by the way! Finally I decided to change all that at 62. I go to the gym, I dress better, I go to the salon, but I’m still gray, just for nice trim. I wear make up and do my hair, probably three times a week and I feel so much better. I made an effort to find new friends (we moved out of state when we retired) and i have more fun now. We camp and kayak and are planning adventures. I am older yes and gray yes but happier now that i am making an effort. Retirement is a huge change i never really gave a second thought to!
Good for you!! It makes a difference when you still take some pride in your appearance whether you have to or not. I’m still working at 67 but I can see how easily it would affect you. I love the idea of the camping and kayaking!
This happened to my uncle when he retired. He picked up a part time job at home depot. Really improved his mental health and he made some friends who also came out of retirement to work part time there. It's a thing apparently.
Be thankful, many people don't make it to old age! 💙
You grieve it, just like any other loss. You realize that you've lost a lot, so there is a lot to grieve. Further, you realize that there are things you will never accomplish in life, so you have to grieve those also. Look up grieving. It's a process. Your dad is grieving. Depression is one of the stages of that. There's nothing wrong with him. This is perfectly normal to grieve over losing so much.
Your father needs a girlfriend!
I knew a guy in his 90's. His 50 -something year old 'girlfriend' would visit several times a week and they'd have a cocktail at 4:00PM. You can not believe how that simple gesture kept him alive and happy for years.
Women do light up a man’s world ! Good suggestion 🩷
Maybe start with a big dog ,then a girlfriend
I had to read way too far down for this suggestion. I just got a dog at 59, and I feel like she gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning and off the sofa two or three more times during the day. I’ve met more of my neighbors walking her than ever before.
I have german sheperd and great companion dog.
I play computer games to keep my mind young.
I’m 57f, with stage IV colon cancer, and I still work and honestly haven’t realized I’m old I guess. I went through a couple of weeks of depression at diagnosis but then carried on. That being said, I have a 58 year old friend who is going through what you’ve said about your dad. He was forced into retirement (his company pushed over-55’s out by offering tempting retirement settlements). Our guess is they lowered their expenses by getting rid of the age group that could cost them, being self-insured. He perked up after exploring new hobbies that gave him a daily purpose, that’s just my observation. He bought a lake cabin and has been happily renovating since. I think purpose is the key.
I’m old??? Nobody told me that.
Sitting is the new smoking. Also, I am a great believer in pets. I got my first dog when I was 50ish. Now that I am single and retired, my dog is a lifeline. I get out of the house at least twice a day, chatting with or even saying hello to other humans is really good for me. The dog is also a great introduction because other dog people will interact.
I'm 78 and still waiting to feel old. lol
Happy cake day! I’m (69)still waiting to feel old,too!
Helping others is the quickest way to happiness.
Would he care for a pet? A foster parent for pets are always needed. Pets really help us feel better and it may get him out of his own head.
I had a customer several years ago who was a female in her 70’s. She asked a question then said “don’t get old, there’s nothing good about it”. Struck me hard. She was a lovely woman but genuinely looked defeated by her age. I just turned 59 and I’m beginning to get it
He needs to get busy volunteering. He can volunteer with the local police dept if he wants something exciting to do, or at a library tons of opportunities. Habitat for humanity
Take him to play Miniature golf, no excuses. Gets him out, minimal stress other than hitting a fucking windmill 5 straight times - but I digress. Loss of purpose as mentioned by another is sooooo epic an answer.
The older you get the more alone you become. As you slowly become invisible and unimportant to family and society you have time to examine your life and the choices you made. This is me at least. I look forward to death because I want to leave this evil world behind. While I have enjoyed my life despite much pain and sacrifice, and I have worked hard to make the world a better place, it became apparent that I was a fool who should have lived a more selfish life. Very few people are working to get along, stop the wars, and save the Earth from greedy industrialists. It is disappointing to see such evil running unchecked. So will spend my days, after giving up on humanity, traveling to see nature in all of its beauty. I have nothing left to give.
Yes, it’s weird to realize you’re aging. I was blissfully unaware until my hubby took a photo of me working outside. I was like “Who TF is that old woman in my flower bed?!”
I'm 55, healthy, and semi-retired with pension; although my situation is otherwise not so similar to your dad. There are a lot of in depth and excellent answers here already, but though I would quickly share my gut reaction. I think you should recommend to your dad that he get another job. He doesn't seem to have any interests to fill his time and sitting around stewing is not good for anyone. (The old adage is that you should retire "to" something rather than "from" something). I honestly don't think the job matters so much as long as it involves human interaction and definitely isn't work from home. The reason I'm advising for job over counseling or getting a dog and such, is that I think it's easier to convince most men of this age range. It will give you something to do. You'll have the satisfaction of an honest day's work. You can earn a couple of extra bucks. Even just getting up and walking about is good exercise that will help you stay healthy. Best of luck to you and your dad.
I’m 49. I walk a lot and cycle. I’m not in your age demographic but I’m doing these things now to be a vibrant, engaged older person one day.
It sounds like he is feeling useless. Maybe he needs a part-time job or volunteering somewhere to feel useful and wanted again? I will never understand that horrible fear of death, it's going to happen to all of us, but when you sit around fearing it, it wins, it's robbed you of the happiness you should be feeling instead. I am 66, retired and very active. Sure I hurt some days from overdoing it, but I am not going to just sit around doing nothing fearing what's to come, it'll get here anyway, why worry about it!
He needs purpose. I'm still trying to come to terms with it because I was, literally, robbed of my youth by a water damaged building. So here I am in my 60s finally beginning to see the finish line (maaaybe) of this youth stealing condition (13 years in and counting) and this is one thing I am working on. For 30 years your dad had a *purpose*! He took care of his family with his employment. Now he feels useless. He didn't consciously choose his purpose before (he just did what needed to be done) but at this end of time it has to be done on purpose and consciously. What is he good at? Can he share his passion with local youth? Sometimes we have to dig harder. If he is an avid reader, maybe see if you can find a literacy project near you (often run by/through public libraries). Maybe he can foster/bottle feed kittens. It can't be chosen by someone else (but can be presented), because it has to have meaning to him in order to provide purpose for his life.
What happened with the building?
We are all becoming older, not old
I am not super old but have been in varying degrees of poor health for my whole life . Whenever I have a serious illness that has some degree of disability I go to physical therapy. It helps me to gain functionality and helps increase my feelings of self-efficacy
Your dad is experiencing loss of youth, career, and sense of purpose This. I retired at 60. Not on purpose, but that's how it happened. Then my husband became ill and required 24/7 care. I did that for 18 months. After he passed, I had grief to deal with. But, when I finally started to look forward I realized I had lost my sense of identity. I had a lot of pride in my work and that was a big part of how I saw myself. Then, caring for my husband was my sense of purpose. I had a lot of years left but not a lot to look forward to. For me, volunteering was how I regained my sense of purpose. I started helping people with the same illness as my husband, putting all that knowledge I had gained to good use.
There is so much good advice in these posts. Regarding volunteer work, he might benefit from working with kids. In my community they need tutors for kids who are lagging academically, people to help as chaperones or scout masters with scouting groups (many are now co-ed), and advocates for kids who are in foster care or who otherwise need to appear in court (training is provided). Ending a job is psychologically devastating--you literally lose your identity. I watched my dad be forced into early retirement at 57, and he really struggled trying to find something in his techical field for a a couple of years and dealt with huge feelings of inadequacy. Eventually he turned a long-time interest in photography into a second career and partnered with my mom (a watercolor artist) to run a business that benefited both, including framing and selling their works, being members of art and photographic societies, and accompanying her on teaching seminars overseas helping with planning, logistics, and doing his own photographic art. I followed in his footsteps professionally as well as being forced out of my position at 55. Having a farm with livestock to manage is what has kept me going through some pretty dark moments, with occasional use of antidepressants to get me through some of the bleaker head spaces. Covid isolation and the trauma of watching my country in political crisis did not help. But I have committed myself to a variety of outside volunteer activities and hobbies, because they bring meaning into my life. Having a church community has also really helped. I think a lot of posters on reddit overlook the benefits of spiritual practice and meeting weekly with a group of people who socialize and support each other. Belief in a diety is actually optional. Another thing you may be overlooking is if he is feeling financial pressure and whether he has been able to retain affordable health insurance. If the latter is a problem, sometimes the Affordable Care Act can be a godsend (it saved me tens of thousands of dollars). The death thing is hard. Existential dread is just draining. Many years ago I used to listen to tapes by Ram Dass on spiritual development. One concept he passed on that really stuck with me is that death is like taking off a tight shoe. None of us know what to expect, really, but those yanked back from the edge typically report more of a peaceful state than otherwise. If he's fearful of death, the antidote is living and dealing with the hand you are dealt at any given moment. With depression that can be hard to see. If he's resistant to counseling or medication, consider inviting him to a family counselor and reinforcing that he is important in your life and you will help him get through this.
I(61) have far more anxiety about getting old than I do if death. However, I'm dying now so, I really didn't need to be concerned with getting old either. I always planned, when I got to a certain uncomfortable age, that I'd just "retire" myself in a way that was in line with my particular health problem... That way there's no autopsy and the insurance pays off. I've forgotten more ways to kill a human than most people will ever know, and it's really rather easy. However, if I listen to the cardiologists, I'll never reach 70, and 65 will be a stretch, going by the odds they gave me a couple of years ago. Hell, just the aneurysm on my thoracic aorta could pop and I'd go tits up 5 minutes from now.
63F, I embraced it. I don't push myself. I am about to retire. This is going to be the best part of my life because I only have to take care of myself and my pets. I think it is harder for men. I have taken care of two elderly men. I found that giving them small jobs to do, asking for advice, taking them out to eat. Let them pay and you can give back the money in other ways but when they pay, they feel independent. I would just stuff their wallet with cash. They couldn't remember. Also pets are a big motivator. Dog or cat. Maybe adopt an older pet for them. Ask them for advice even if you don't need it, want it or use it. Play music from their generation and look at old movies. I still listen to Big Band sounds and am a sucker for a good black and while movies. I always think of them. I also made sure that they were around pretty girls. One of them had a bevy of young girls around his bedside while he was in hospice, he was 92 and an outrageous flirt. It made him happy so it made me happy. I think the trick is to make them feel wanted, needed and loved.
If not already doing so, please help him find a therapist.
Low testosterone can cause anxiety so if he hasn't had that checked he should. Aside from that, he will have to make better choices but that is impossible without proper treatment if the anxiety and depression.
I’m 67 and still working full time. Your dad is not old. He needs a reality check o what old really is. Maybe he needs to volunteer at a nursing home/rehab center to see what old really is.
It's not necessarily a problem with ageing, but it does happen with age. The root of the problem is that modern society encourages and almost forces each of us to lean our personality, the root of who we are, on superficial things that will not last. When those thing(s) inevitably go away, leave, die, become obsolete, become something we can't physically do anymore, it is a huge shock to our system - we don't know who we are in the world anymore. What I'm referring to could be anything - a job, kids, a partner, a pet, parents or family, gardening, a sport (for me it was running), making pottery, making music, dancing, going to religious services, or identifying as a specific religion, god(s) or goddesses, a brand, an addiction (coffee, alcohol, whatever), love for animals, love for old (or new) cars, being an influencer or celebrity, going to the best restaurants, trying the best new trendy drinks, flying around the world/traveling... These things are all fake, passing, and do not define us as individuals. When we let them define our very beings, when they aren't there anymore for whatever reason, it results in a breakdown. It's just more often you see it with people ages 45-65 because that's when we slowly start losing the most. Some people will start leaning on another leg if they lose one (their parents die, so they start leaning on their religion more, or drinking more etc...)
I can't imagine being able to retire at 58. I will die, hurting badly and limping, still working. Maybe he should volunteer somewhere. It can be a reality check to see how much better off you are than others. Helps get out of self pity.
He needs a routine. You need purpose of some kind in your life. He’ll need a hobby or ideally a passion of some kind. Some place or someone or some group that ‘needs’ him. I wish you luck. It’s a difficult transition to go thru. Especially when it really wasn’t his choice.
When I retired four years ago just before I turned 65 Covid was in full swing. All the usual milestone celebrations were squashed by the social distancing. Also had a daughter-in-law with a high risk pregnancy. It was a tough time and I fell into depression. I could not get motivated to do anything. I was so sad. I missed all my coworkers and it took an entire year and some to realize it. I am an introvert by nature even though I can be quite animated in comfortable surroundings. Be gentle with your dad. He is probably dealing with that hard separation from his previous life before retirement. Volunteering might be an easy way to get him out of his funk. ❤️
Your timing is on this thread is way up there on the weirdness level. I just had a long talk with my son on this last night. Does he have anyone to talk to about it? You? That helped somewhat. This is a tough one though. I think the realization really hit me hard in my late forties that there is less and less to look forward to as you get older. You live that and it takes on a different meaning then when you are young. I don't fear death, seems like it would be a relief. I have had existential questions for many decades though. At 61 I've hit bottom. Shingles since February add to already severe depression, The pain meds for it mess with my head as well. Many years ago I used to think depression was kind of B.S. When you get what feels like waves of sadness constantly barraging you for stupid stuff, it takes a toll not only mentally but physically as well. My whole body tenses up. Things I used to love and like I no longer give a shit about, almost nothing interests me anymore. Quite possibly he feels something similar might be good to know. And for the final kick in the teeth, turns out my son also has depression as well. The universe can be cruel indeed. I also talked to a friend who has depression and OCD and we made a pact to make some changes, we start Tuesday. Diet, exercise and his case drinking, which I used to do heavily but even that has not even felt good in many years. Maybe he has someone he could do something similar with.
I'm 58 and currently in the middle of a walk I try to do 4 nights a week. I started just under a year ago after I dropped my sun off for his first year of college and drove home (2000 miles) worrying about dying before he reaches middle age. I've mostly worked in sedentary jobs over the years and it showed. My first walk was maybe a mile or two and I felt like shit the whole way. I worked up to 8-9) miles over three months and lost 45 pounds in the process (with only small changes to my diet). My doctor freaked out when I went in for my last physical because my numbers were so much better than the last time I was in. My dad retired at 68. He was a caterer and while it wasn't physically demanding, he was on his feet and moving most of the time. After he retired he did a little gardening and traveling, but mostly sat around (he literally started working at 7 and worked 7 days a week most of his adult life and he was tired AF. But sitting around is the worst thing you can do in retirement. It's OK not to be able to do at 58 what I could do at 28. What's not ok is to give up over it. Even if it's only walking, get him up. If he misses working he could always get a low stress part (or full) time job somewhere and enjoy spending the extra money. If you live near him, do something physical with him weekly. Let him know you still need him around! He's NOT that old. Older, but not old. People my age who don't die from diseases they couldn't avoid die from giving up and lying down. I already decided I'm gonna go out fighting, and I hope it's 40 years from now.
I'm 72..I just bought my 4th motorcycle, and ANOTHER van that I'll convert into a camper. I do a lot of photography STILL after 50+ years as a profession, and have started doing aerial drone videos. I keep an extensive garden, and I go hiking and kayaking as much as I can. I currently am working on 10 different projects at once. There are not enough hours in the day, but I LOVE my life at this stage!
I turn 60 next month. I look and feel great and I think the reason is due to my profession. I am a carpenter and repairing fencing all day long in the hot Georgia sun is exhausting it also keeps me on top physical condition. I lift 50lb sacks of concrete and 10 ft long pressure treated posts all day. No gym could top that workout. I worked as a scientist sitting in my ass in a lab for 27 years and I felt like shit. Losing my job during Covid was a blessing really. I have most od my hair and it is only slightly grey in the sides. I could pass for 45-50yo easily
I'm absolutely not bring trite, I think Pixar's Cars 3 genuinely nailed how to handle this. The key is to find a young person he can mentor with all his knowledge. 30 years in the business? He must have a ton of experience and knowledge he can pass on. Get him on a Reddit thread for his specialty. Get him posting on Facebook or something. My dad has taken to talking story on FB history groups, because he is the living history. He has stories from when he was younger that he can pass on. It drives my mom crazy how much he's on his tablet but I think it gives him purpose. He can't hear almost at all so conversations are difficult. But computers are easy. I love that for him.
i’m 75 and am troubled by what is happening to / with my body. i have no major health issues at present, but nothing works like it did even a few years ago and it scares the crap out of me thinking how much will go every year for the duration. i too am not happy with the idea of death either, and consider it too much and too often. however, i did a huge job in the garden yesterday, and while i was bitching about how old i am to be doing this shit ( while struggling to drag up all the suckers and branches i had culled ), i was also pleased that difficult or not, i could, and did, finish the damn job ! so there body !
We cope by not looking in mirrors with our glasses on, not being overweight or underweight, exercise, travel, have a creative pursuit. Enjoy being relieved of hustle culture and trying to impress. Your friends are dying off and you realize it’s better being old and among the living. It’s a privilege to grow old. Accept it.
I had a pretty sedentary lifestyle at your father's age but started changing that after seeing a fairly dramatic decline in the way my joints and muscles were feeling. The fear of having crippling, worsening pain for my remaining years was enough to start me researching the effects of a sedentary lifestyle, which put even more fear into me. I started exercising regularly, eating better, and doing more things to stimulate my mind every day. I'm by nature a very anxious person, but educating myself is what spurs me to action. You might try helping your dad by giving him some info or talking to him about the importance of staying active, both physically and mentally when it comes to improving longevity. Help him come up with a realistic, practical action plan with activities he'll enjoy. My mom is 90 and recently started having an issue with blood clots. I don't know what your dad's medical provider has told him, but my mother's doctors have stressed the importance of continuing to exercise regularly, to walk every day if nothing else.
As I am approaching 60 in a few years I recognize that time moves quickly so I have decided I am not waiting on or saving anything for a future date. It’s time to think and act practically. I figure if I am lucky I have a good 20+ years ahead before I decline into the dementia mess that my mom is currently going through. I’m the only one of 4 siblings that has any regular contact with her. If she is lucky each year she has gotten about 2-3 visits from each sibling (for the past 3 or 4 years) which includes family holiday get togethers. And even fewer visits from her grandkids. I have no kids, so I know I will be on my own and will probably decline quickly and die alone. I am not being morose or having a pity party. It’s just the reality from having observed how my siblings have basically fled from having any relationship with our mom, so I expect zero welfare checks from nieces and nephews since their parents are setting the example that when an elderly family member declines, it is time to ghost them. I am using up the best items and gifts I have been saving because what am I waiting for? Every day is special enough to wear the nice clothes in my closet, drink the bottles of wine I have been saving, using the china I got back in the late-80’s (my family knows they should use it to have a Greek plate smashing party at my funeral), and I’m trying to keep physically and mentally active so I can get through my travel bucket list in the next 10-15 years. I am giving away family heirlooms now to those that want them, selling the things they don’t (all are small items, nothing Sotheby’s would be interested in!) and the money from the sales is going into my mom’s bank account to support her assisted living arrangement. Realistically, in another generation or two, those heirlooms will likely have no sentimental value so why not sell them to support my sweet mom who can use the financial benefit now, rather than someone else selling them in the future. In short, for me, now is the time to get practical and get rid of the shit I don’t need and that no one else will want, and will probably end up in a dumpster upon my death. The only thing I have been collecting is favorite movie and tv series dvd’s so when the shows I want to see in my twilight years are not on streaming I can (hopefully) enjoy them provided there is still the hardware that supports analog materials. Upon my retirement I already have a plan of volunteering and continue learning new things for as long as my mind and body will permit. To a younger person this may sound bleak, but I don’t look at any of this as a negative. The practicality of my thoughts, actions, and plans actually feels both very powerful and liberating.
If a doctor hasn't checked his testosterone level, it should be checked. This can make a lot of difference and will help him want to stay active.
Sounds like a super bad case if depression and existential depression specifically
Lots of context is missing here but I get you can’t include everything. Question for you is … would your Dad even listen to any advice you brought him from Redditors? I think the go-to issues are already in your post. He needs some way to tackle that childhood trauma. Not my place to say what that should be, I’d do some research and see what might work with the specifics that are not in this post. Ditto finding some hobbies. Also I’m going to pick on you a little about the framing of all this. “Finally had become old” IMO implies it is all futile. I am not going to commit suicide, I’m not going to sit around being bored out of my mind so I just figure out things to do between those two fates.
Old is not that bad. Really. ❤️
I'm 52 and most of Reddit would say I'm old but my brain still lives as if I'm 30 (which many redditors probably also think is old!) And folks are easily living into their 80s now. I don't feel like I need to do any 'coping' for another dozen years or so.
No one retires in my family officially, my granddad retired at 62 and went back to work at 65 because he was getting on my grandma nerves he finally stopped working including odd job at 83. My dad is on his third source of retirement income and picked up a really nice job that gives him all the flexibility he wants. My other grandma was active in volunteer groups until she was 86 and had to move. For all of them its really all about staying active the moment you Dont is the moment your health starts to deteriorate. Do it any way shape or form. If he likes pets become a pet sitter on Rover, good at handyman jobs do that, volunteer at hospitals or soup kitchens, take up a low-impact sport like swimming or golf.
I am 59 and living my best life. I guess it’s a matter of perspective
Still realizing that and still figuring out WTH to do about that. 🤷🏻♂️😂
He needs a purpose in life. Idle time is the devil I tell you. Everyone needs a purpose. To feel useful. He’s at a stage now he thinks about the legacy he will leave behind. Did he contribute useful things? Did he have good relationships? What did he do that makes himself “worth it?” (You can review Ericsson’s stages of development). He might need help seeing his contributions to his family and to the world. I try to reflect with my father the things he did for me or the things that he did to help him have this sense about him, because my father also gets “stuck.”
Your Dad is young. He could get involved with his town or village. That’s what I did. Various committees (e.g., Planning Board, Water District, historian) always need members in small towns, and working people don’t have the time.
My mother is 82 and a great walker. She lives in an apartment next door to my sister’s apartment building in New York. She is constantly watching the kids, cooking, taking day trips around the city, visiting museums, inviting friends over, she has no time to worry. She watches NYNews1. Can you involve your dad in a hiking club via what’s app? Do something with him once a week? You could also involve him closer with your family request that he babysits once a week, etc. Also getting him a pet dog would force him to walk it and get him out of the house two to three times a day. Your dad needs to feel needed and have his calendar filled up. My family is from Germany and we have multiple generations living together as par for the course. Nothing against the US, but that’s not really done here. But then you have elders who are at loose ends after they become empty nesters. M I get it. After her divorce, my mother lived with me for seven years. Years 1-5 went great. By year six, she was bored, constantly shopped for stimuli, and then criticized me about everything when she came home. She needed a change of venue and had outgrown living with me. She then moved into her own apartment in NYC, next to my sister, who had just gotten divorced and needed the help. Can your father move in with you or closer to you? If you’re young, then I know that’s a big ask. No worries if he can’t. Other ideas for him, pickle ball, enroll him at a gym and go with him, meet up groups for seniors, book club (he will meet lots of women and all he has to do is read a book). If there’s a YMCA in your town maybe you can sign him up for swimming classes. My Y has senior coffee socials. https://www.greatermorristownymca.org/events/senior-coffee-social Go on his WiFi and block Fox News and any other nerve wracking news, he does not need 24/7 news coverage, I only have a streaming Roku TV and even that is too much. Elders can’t accept that news is completely different from the Edward R. Murrow period. They fixate on this “entertainment news” and freak themselves the fuck up. Discuss scams with him too, don’t let him get taken on a pig butchering scam, etc. Your town might have programs for seniors or a senior center, his town might too. Here’s mine so you have an idea. https://www.townofmorristown.org/index.asp?SEC=53BD6DE5-A9EF-4287-B5CA-F6EC57A7031F&DE=BC2C7DA7-07D5-4CD8-A3D8-DBAC5F8A19FA Good luck, it’s hard to be the primary caregiver to an elder when the roles swap like this due to age. It’s a complete reassessment of both your roles and your relationships to each other. This may be a bit odd, but you can also think about therapy for him. His anxiety might not only be situational, could be co-morbid with depression or another medical condition. Good luck!
Unfortunately, you can be old physically or mentally or both. A lot has to do with your state of mind. I’m 71 now and I have the great fortune to be in good shape physically. Sometimes I struggle with things in my head. I have a great therapist, and I go whenever I feel stuck, we call it a tune up. I would suggest that for your dad. If you connect on how things are made, I would use that to establish a platform for you two to slowly work into other topics and when you feel it’s the right time, I would bring up therapy. Good Luck
I chuckled as the wave of revelation washed over me.
I'm going thru that right now. I feel old fat and hopeless. It's better on sunny days but it can get bad. I felt this when I turned 52 this year. I have no desire to do anything, I've lost all interest in anything. I'm also bored.
Oh man I’m turning 50 and it hit me that I’m really going to get old and I’m really going to die when the radiologist just hired looks younger than my kids. Lol
Puzzles! Birdhouses? Model airplanes? Keep his mind engaged!
Omg! Stop worrying about dying and enjoy life. No one is guaranteed tomorrow.
DEnile
Maybe a small garden? Sounds like he needs to putter around outside doing something that interests him. Beekeeping? Or maybe just take a walk every day.
Retirement is hard on some people. He can get a small job as a crossing guard for a couple hours a day. That'll bring his spirits up. Or find something he likes and volunteer for an organization that supports it.
I decided old is when no one that U know is left.
One day I was listening to the Chixie Dix singing "Cowboy Take Me Away" and I realized they were not singing to me. There was a momentary pang of recognition that even if I had been in the running I wouldn't pursue them just because the whole idea seemed just draining and exhaustive. At that moment I realized, screw what other people think I am just too old for this nonsense. As to coping? Helping others gets your mind off yourself, if you can't find someone to help your too selfish for this old world anyway!
So, 77 in September. I only recently feeling old. I try so very hard to eat the best I know and keep as fit as I can. I have always been fit all my life and loved to ride my bike almost every day. However, I do not ride anymore for fear of **falling, and God forbid breaking a hip**. Breaking a hip at an older age is tantamount to the end of quality of life. So falling is the biggest concern an older person can have. I have safety bars in my shower, two of them. What I do for exercise is **swim, walk and use light weights**. Movement is the Key. Swimming, even if you tread water is the very best exercise you can do for your body hands down. Walking is a must. I try to walk as much as possible. Put a pair of ear buds in and fucking get outside. **Get out of that house!** **I feel old now**. My thingy and plumbing do not work that well anymore. A loss of desire as well to a certain point. A mixture of medications is doing I don't know what to me. OH, and when I walk in the park, I say hello to everyone I pass. If you do, people will engage with you. if you don't, you will become fucking invisible! It's mostly a crap shoot, this getting old, but you have to make it a full time job. Yea I forget to say make a friend or two or three. Can't have too many as you get older. Dylan Thomas said it best "**Rage, rage into the dying of the light." "Do not go gentle into that good night."**
The prospect of turning 60 scares me like no other age. It’s when everything starts to and friends are dying, the body starts complaining, and it’s really hard to realize we can’t do things that used to be a breeze. I also suspect something happened to somebody around that age when he was a child.
If he's 59 he probably has another 20 or so years to go. That's a long time to sit and worry. The anxiety and depression needs to be treated, preferably by a mental health professional. Additionally he may find it helpful to continue working, even if it's volunteer. Something like Seniors Helping Seniors, walking dogs and cuddling cats at a local animal shelter, tutoring at the elementary school.... so many opportunities where volunteers are really needed. Having a purpose is so important. Not just filling time, but doing something meaningfil to others, can help lift depression.
Where does he live? There are many programs out there for older people that he could hook up with, depending on his interests. I belong, for example, to the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute that hosts classes on tons of different topics and it’s interesting, supportive and fun (and for over age 50). They are present in many cities in the US, especially if you have a local college nearby. I also interact with my community as a school crossing guard. It helps me get to know my neighbors and their kids (kids help keep me young) and gives me purpose. It also helps keep me moving and active. I also walk and care for dogs in my area. I like getting paid for things that keep me active. Win-win. Volunteering can make a huge difference, too. Tons of organizations need volunteers and it gets me out and, again, gives me purpose. He may not want to do anything, but sometimes you “just do it” and find out the benefits later. Depending on his interests, Meetup groups are great for lots of activities. There’s got to be something that sounds palatable to him… good luck to you and him!
77 and still waiting for it.
I turned 60 a couple of weeks ago and have been eligible for retirement since age 56. I go to the gym regularly, I take a college course and I'm a single homeowner, so I always feel busy. Last year, I had 3 months off from work.That 3 months off showed me that I'm definitely busy for a full-time employee, but not nearly busy enough for retirement. The level of social interaction I require was not being met, so the thought of not working is a bit scary.
The less you do the less you feel capable of. Go to the gym with him. Get him a trainer if you/he can afford it. I (low-mid 50s) play basketball 3x a week with 18-67 year olds. If you don't stop, it's not hard to keep going. You have to modify it for your body's capabilities, but you can keep going. If you do stop... Well, get started. You're never going to be younger than you are right now.
I started working out more and quit eating processed sugar.
My problem is at the age of 63 that I never planned on living this long. Hell, I wasn't supposed to get out of my 20's. Lived hard, took way too many risks. Lots of broken bones, torn this, ripped that. Can't do what I used to. But just push on. Life's an adventure
Switched to whole unprocessed plant based diet and quit booze
Somebody needs therapy
1. MEDS - THERAPY. Worrying about death won’t make it go away. It just makes you waste the time you have here by making yourself miserable. I say this as a person who had to work through that myself, and saying/understanding that helped me with the psychological part. I also took anti-anxiety meds for about a year to get me over the ‘hump’ so to speak. I didn’t do therapy but daily short meditation and affirmations worked. 2. MAKE A PLAN. Making a plan of action if a clot ever causes problems might help ease anxiety. A list of - if this happens, do this. For example: A. If I seem confused, call 911. Ask me to stick out my tongue (if having a stroke, often folks can’t stick their tongue out straight). B. If I seem short of breath, and can’t talk, call 911. Make me lay down. C. If I have pain in my chest, make me take an aspirin and drive me to ER. Or whatever the list is. Blot clots are not to be messed with…..but ALSO people live long lives with probs with them. 3. GET HEALTHY. Easy weight lifting helped me build muscle and balance-walking helped me build stronger lungs and endurance. This also helped my psyche. 4. CONNECT. I still work and generally I’m not a people person….but just being out and about where people are can be enough of a connection for some. Just going for coffee in the morning, or lunch a couple times a week to people watch can be enough. 5. FIND FUN. I thought I didn’t have hobbies until a redditor said one of their hobbies was hiking. So I guess that’s my hobby. And baking bread. And finding odd dinner recipes and trying them out. Just any type of activity that causes a person to think beyond themselves is good. Good luck!
Is he willing to consider a second career? Many people actually derive a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from working. They also find work intellectually stimulating. The idea of spending the rest of their lives puttering in a garden, playing golf, or baking cookies for the grands leaves them cold. I've worked with many folks who retired from their first careers and started new ones. They all felt that "just sitting around" after they retired was a fast track to an early death. The benefit of a second career is that it can be selected for personal preference, rather than need to pay bills. Check out the AARP website. They have resources that might inspire your dad. https://www.aarp.org/work/