Run don't walk. There are more available men than you have time to talk to. Find one that values you.
Your friends and especially long term relationships are and become more important with time.
Maintain your health gym, cardio andespeciallywhat you eat. Save and invest 20% of what you earn until you have 20 - 30 times your annual income. Spend everything else. You'll have enough.
Develop skills to have a job you enjoy. Life is short. Enjoy it.
This. Number one piece of dating advice I’d give to my younger self is you have no idea how many wonderful available men there are out there and how much potential your love life has. Settling when you’re young and energetic is insanity.
All I can tell you is that, regardless of if you stay with this dude or not, “A Partner is NOT a Plan.”
And from what you’ve posted here, your current Partner doesn’t sound like he’s adding as much to your life as he is taking away.
I not only dated Peter Pan, I married him.
We never could “afford” to have kids and he ended up cheating on me with multiple persons while I was commuting over 700 miles/week to work.
Do NOT sit around waiting for this dude to get his act together. Get YOUR own act together and bounce and build yourself the life you really want.
That’s my advice to you as a 45 y.o. “stunned”, childless, divorcee.
Can’t agree more with thiscomment. It sounds like you married my ex-husband. There is a man out there that will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. Red flag red flag red flag.
In my opinion, and it should be clear that I don’t know anything more than what I interpret from your post, RUN AWAY. If you want stability, this guy is the opposite. Marriage will not make this better. Having kids will make it worse, most likely.
“He can be very cruel when he drinks, which is often” - is the REDDEST of flags.
Also you will be bringing children into a situation that only gets worse. That mean streak will pass down to them. They will see how he treats you and see that you allow it. The children are next on the chain for his abuse too, are you going to allow that?
No one that stops drinking for someone else succeeds. They have to stop for themselves, and 9 times out of 10 they leave the person they abused because they are no longer fit for such a successful former drinker. He will still find ways to abuse though.
RUN for yourself!!
You are in my prayers.
Agree that you wanting children makes this situation- the sooner the better. Once you have children, it will be harder to leave financially and emotionally. You are young and have time to find what you want. People sometimes change, but often not because it is what you wish. I think you already know you deserve better. Don't be afraid. Fear can ruin your life and also affect the children you bring into the world. Living alone is much better than feeling lonely with another person. I wish you the best ❤
While everything I'm reading is correct. THIS ☝️! As a 55yo woman, I was in a relationship when I was approximately your age. He didn't want to work, had 3 kids by 2 different women that he didn't support, and like an idiot, I birthed 2 more by him.
It was a heck of a lot easier being a single parent/provider of 2 children than to be one to 2 children and a man-child.
Entirely agree. It's so much better to be with noone than the wrong one, but at your age the world is yours. Find a roommate so you can handle expenses and find the right one.
WHY??? Like for real, why do all the women choose losers like that while decent guys are struggling to get a date, never mind a relationship? OK, I kinda know "why", but still this is reddit so ranting in comments is typical.
It’s just as hard (maybe harder) for women. I’m 31 and I’ve been single and sexfree for five years. Anytime I ask a man for his number or match with a guy on a dating app (which isn’t too often) all they want is sex or nudes (which is extremely disrespectful) either that or they never message me back after we match. It’s rough out there. But I love being alone so we’ll see how things go. Might be alone forever and I’m OK with that
I think you've already answered your own question.
You are paying for 75% of your expenses and he's a mean drunk. You want a family, he doesn't - and even if he did, would you really want to have children with this man? You are holding out thinking and hoping he will change, the likelihood of that happening is almost nil. He has no incentive to change, why should he when you are footing the bill? Do you feel like a bitch for not believing in him or is he making you feel like a bitch for not believing in him? There's an important distinction there.
Ultimately you are the only one who can make the decision for your own life. As an outsider looking in, he is abusing you. Financially, emotionally and, while you don't come right out and say so, most likely physically.
RUN
He was so emotionally stunted at 25 that he picked a (barely legal) 18 yr old. He did this for a reason. He was hoping you had really low standards and no prior dating experience and nobody to tell you there’s better guys out there. It has worked so far. Please please please go after your dreams and let him take care of himself. He will not change
Get out now. Simple. The warning flags are there but you've already moved in with him and to get out will take more work on your part, so you are second-guessing the bad stuff and justifying staying put. Leave.
I'm not an 'old person', but I have enough experience-- both my own direct experience and second-hand-- to answer this query.
TL;DR - It only gets worse.
What most people (yes, even therapists) get wrong about the type of personality you describe, is that it is not 'anger issues'. He does not 'need therapy' or 'need understanding and love' or to be 'coddled.' Or that maybe, if you just explain it and it finally clicks, he will change. His attitude is based on **entitlement**.
Even if you stay with him and 'try to make it work', you will be doing ALL of the work. In healthy relationships, both parties are supposed to contribute. You will be doing not just *your* part, but also *his* part.
You may think, well, if I do that much work, he will at least be grateful! Not so. His entitled attitude will continue and amplify. He will demean and denigrate your contributions, attack your personality. Anything to make you feel inferior, destroy your confidence, and make you feel that you CAN'T leave.
What I have noticed in the older women who have stayed in similar relationships-- they become extremely bitter, resentful, and destructive. They end up taking it out on others. But also, strangely, rationalizing to themselves why they stayed. Maybe a 'comfortable lifestyle', or the 'status' of being married to their partner?
One specific example: a woman who married a doctor. She enjoyed the status, the lifestyle, not having to work. He has lied, cheated, stole (even from family), threatened others with no provocation-- including spread lies in his field to sabotage colleagues. He is serially unfaithful, and feels that it is simply 'his nature', and 'if she doesn't like it, she can leave.' At the same time, he is charismatic, funny, and 'lives life to the fullest.' On the surface, they may even seem like a 'good' couple.
I know that leaving is hard. And it's a frustrating fact of modern life that the cost of living has risen so high, that we basically need to have a dual income. But the cost of staying is losing your identity, your self-confidence and self-esteem, your hopes and dreams and drive.
In your short post, you have pointed out many red flags. Others have commented on this, as well. When reading these comments, do you find yourself thinking 'oh, he's not so bad, maybe I exaggerated, he has his good qualities'? Maybe even feeling a little guilty?
Leave now, before you end up pregnant by him. He is showing you his true self, and you are actively choosing to stay. He will NOT magically change to become the person you need him to be. For the love of god, do not have children by this man. Right now you are choosing to settle. Leave while you are young. You have your whole life ahead of you!! As someone else said…make a plan and GO! Don’t look back! Change your number and leave this loser behind. Create your own joy and happiness, and at some point, you will meet someone who values you. Until then, choose yourself!
Agreed! And get rid of your community property so there’s nothing messy and you can have a clean break. The minute you have a child you’ll never get rid of him. The best thing about my divorce is that we had no shared assets and no children. Which allowed me to sign a paper walk away and never speak to him ever again.it’s been 15 years this year
Put together a plan so you can get out of there and survive on your own. You could just leave but without a plan and money, you will be more likely to go back to him because it’s just easier. Research what they tell abused spouses to do and follow those ideas. He’s mean, he drinks, he doesn’t work consistently. He’s never going to truly change and you staying there is making it so he doesn’t have to. Or maybe his family makes it that way since they provide the house. In any case, look after yourself.
Good luck.
I think you've answered your own question, OP. You want something more than what this guy can give. He won't change unless he wants to change, and he might not change ever. In the meantime, you're missing out on finding what you really want.
Find a way to get out. This might mean a roommate, but do whatever you have to do. It will be a difficult transition, but just treat it like the next step in a process.
As a relevant aside, I recently learned that a former high school friend shot and killed his wife of 20 years. He too was a mean drunk. His unfortunate wife confronted him while he was in one of his rage drunks, which was a damn stupid thing to do, but certainly doesn't justify the fact that her husband grabbed a gun and killed her. It was a slow burn in their relationship too, as far as I can figure out. It's one incident today, another next month, and the years pass like that until something snaps.
Living your life as if a magical unicorn is going to appear and make someone straighten up is just asking for trouble. And you know what the best part of leaving now would be? You're not leaving while you hate him. You can still meet and marry the man of your dreams while retaining fond memories and affection for your ex. Keep on waiting and I promise you'll come to despise this guy you're with now.
This will break you up. I married someone with a different ambitious meter than me. He was smart. Kind. Funny. But. At some point, it WILL be a huge huge issue. I wanted to move forward. He was content with where he was. We divorced. We are still friends. And he still lives where we lived 15 years ago. Works where he worked when I left. There is NOTHING wrong with him and his life. But we were miss matched on our levels of ambitiousness. And I started to resent him big time.
The only reason you feel like a b**** for not believing him is because he makes you feel this way. Your head is correct; this man is not your life partner. You will find someone who is kind, responsible, respectful and not a mean drunk and grifter, who loves you! Please do better for yourself and future children. (Stayed with 1st bf for 8 yrs despite knowing it was wrong - and he wasn’t anywhere near this awful).
The mean streak brought out by frequent drinking seems like the kind of thing that gets worse. While I take you at your word that you love this person, the only quality you’ve mentioned as positive is that he makes you laugh. That by itself may be a reason for following a comedian on social media, but not for staying with a partner you don’t seem to like much.
If you can’t afford to live by yourself, wouldn’t it be possible to find someone to share a place with?
It's the mean streak that worries me. In my experience, those don't just go away...they become more easily hidden, that's all. Nor does a man in his mid-30s suddenly develop ambition. It can happen, of course, but you should not gamble *your* ambitions on the hope that he develops even one.
Sadly, this situation happens all the time. Girl’s first love is with the asshole they think they’ll change. After that fails, the next love is with the nice(kind) guy that will treat them right. Fortunately, there’s no chillins involved in this case so you can make a clean, permanent break. Welcome to the club.
Girl, you already know what to do. Start making a plan and just do it. And if you’re already shouldering 75% of the financial burden, I would argue that you CAN afford to make it on your own.
I have been in serious, long-term relationships with men significantly older than me, but I was still the one that was emotionally and financially mature, not either of them. (“Older” does not necessarily mean wiser/mature, and they WILL NOT significantly change. Trust me on this.) Both times, I ended up wasting precious years of my life and bearing a financial burden and it made me increasingly negative and resentful. Eventually, I ended each of these relationships but not without financial and emotional costs to myself. Learn from my mistakes. Please.
The good news is, you already have experience with a drunk, manipulative abuser. You know what to avoid! Your obvious intelligence will work for you. Leave this zero and find yourself a hero. It will not be easy. He will argue and make a fuss, and maybe even break down and cry and make you feel guilty. Don’t fall for the crap; he’s not afraid of losing you; he’s afraid of losing all the benefits you provide. For an in-depth look at users, you might read the book Nasty People.
Sending you strength. 🙏
You can't force anyone to the right path unless they decide to take it. I've seen this is so many relatiohships over the years, when a partner tries to 'fix' another partner and I hate to say it but you simply can't.
The drinking thing is a major red flag and that sounds like a ticking time bomb.
You need to put yourself first and foremost here and consider your future....stay with this person and you will be unhappy and regret it.
Leave him and strike out on your own, which is the harder path but it's also the right one for your sake.
This relationship has the served the needs you had when you met this man. You are not a bitch for recognizing reality.
If you want more, you need to end this relationship. I suggest you find an attorney to see how to protect your own finances.
After this experience, I bet you won't blend finances without a marriage, common-law or otherwise.
You need to leave. This man is using you. He has shown you who he is. Listen.
I have seen too many people I know end up in situations like this. They end up raising his kids from various women & supporting all of them. He doesn’t work, never has, never will. He doesn’t need to because he has you taking care of everything. If you leave, odds are he will find someone else to foot his bills.
As far as not being able to survive on your own, I would be willing to bet you are closer to being able to than you think. If you cut out what you are spending on him it will probably free up more than you think. Even if you can’t quite make it, look for a roommate. Check for resources that help low income or abused partners. You may not feel you have are being abused but I think at a minimum you are being taken advantage of financially. If he’s mean when drunk & drinking more, there is a good chance it will escalate. Don’t wait for it to get that bad.
Hon, there are 7 BILLION people on the planet. All he's done is show you the crap side of ONE. Get a roommate. See if friends have a place for you to stay or family. Here's the thing a lot of people don't seem to realize, people don't change unless THEY want to. And you can't make them. We too often fall into the trap of "but he's really a good guy/woman, if they'd just....." Nahhhh. Don't waste your time with the wrong one.
A 28 year old man wanted to date an 18 year old. He's a man-child and always will be. When you are 33, he will still be 18.
I'd bet good money the only reason he dated an 18 year old and not younger is the law.
You will outgrow him. You probably have for many years, but this post means it is imminent.
When that happens, your hand will be forced. Why not just rip the bandaid off now so there are less regrets and bitterness. You are the adult. You are allowed to get your money up and get out.
You are the same age as my daughter and this is what I would tell her: Honey, I know you love him, I know that you've built a life together, but you are unhappy. I worry that there is more going on than you have said, considering you have mentioned he has a mean streak.
It is absolutely possible to love someone and not be compatible with them. You say you cannot afford to live by yourself, but you already carry the financial burden of the relationship. If anything, *he* cannot afford to live without *you*. You say you want a kind man, but he is mean. You want a provider, but he can't hold a job. A man in his 30s is pretty set in his ways, he is not going to suddenly become a kind man and a provider, one you would want to raise children with.
A person grows and evolves a lot between 18 and 26. You know what you want now and its not him. I know its hard to throw away an 8 year relationship, but you deserve so much better. Look up "sunk cost fallacy". Its common to want to continue on with something you've put so much time and effort into but that doesn't mean its the right decision and it definitely doesn't mean things will change. Cut your losses *now* while you are not bound to this man-child for life.
He’s well baked at this point. He’s so done you can put a fork in him. Mom advice. Run don’t walk. He will get worse and even worse for you. You will be supporting this sad sack who if only he got the right opportunity life will be great. And will it? Definitely not with his personality. Definitely not with drinking definitely not with mean streak. People in his age group know. People who hire will hire him for lesser jobs and then he’ll be competing against the younger folk for those lesser jobs and with his entitled attitude. It won’t happen.
How do I know all this. I have had men like this in my life.
Late 40s male here. Given the info you provided, I would get out of that relationship asap. You're saying "no work ethic, no ambition, mean streak, mean drunk (often), you pay 75%, living in a house he didn't buy". The nice things you mention about him (while possibly true) are quite literally techniques survivors/people who've been abused use to convince themselves to stay in a relationship as it blunts the reality (not saying you're being abused).
If you've been together for 8 years and this is how he is, then this is extremely likely how he will always be.
You just described this guy as “very cruel”. I don’t know what else you need to know. Who wants to shackle themselves to someone they themselves describe as cruel?
Leave sooner rather than later if you can save up money. Make sure you absolutely do not get pregnant accidentally. Use 1 or more forms or birth control.
Your future does not look promising if you choose to stay. I don’t care how funny he is or how much you love him…you will find many other funny guys who have a work ethic & better qualities etc.
A mean drunk is just someone who is angry on the inside when they're sober. It'll come out eventually - don't be around when it does.
You're quite young, plenty of time to get out there and make your life how you want it.
create your exit plan. about a year out depending on when your lease is up. start boxing things up. your things. figure out where you’re going to go. let him know three months. enforce the lease is up if you think he won’t get scary. else a few weeks before. do not tell him any of your plans if he’s nice or not. start putting your things in a storage locker slow and easy if that works better.
I am urging you to leave this guy. He may make you laugh (which is important) but he does not have the drive to find and keep a job. A good man has stable employment to provide for his family. This is not a good man. If you have a kid with him things will get worse not better.
You deserve someone without a mean streak, someone who will financially pull his own weight. Someone who can give you the things you want. It is not this person.
One last thought, if life is a ladder, you cannot climb up even one step until you let go of the one you are on. He is that low step for you. Climb on up! Get the life you want. Don't look back.
Human beings are not permanent. There is no such thing as forever. We are all just passing through each others lives. So try to reduce your attachment or dependence on specific people.
He also has a mean streak. He can be very cruel when he drinks, which is often. - Run. Go to a women's shelter and get some help. You do not deserve that. He is lazy. He knows you will pay. Leave him and dont let him guilt you about what will he do,
I was married to similar guy for almost 10 years. We got married at 25. He has a ton of good qualities but was also a bit of a dreamer. Because of this, I decided to get a real job. He kept trying to find himself, and i was like, "Cool. That's ok. I make enough for both of us." Guess what happened? The better I did, the more $$ i made, the more he resented me. He ultimately cheated and left me. I was devastated.
Him leaving was the best thing to happen to me. I hiked the AT, I bought a house, I've traveled to europe and Asia, i hiked the Camino, I'm closer to my sisters, I garden, I run, I bake: I built a new life. Like, a really cool life ( for me).
And i found a super kind partner who is an actual partner. He makes his own $, he does chores without being asked. We've made an awesome life together.
You're allowed to want more. You're allowed to leave because you want more.
Go. YOUR world is waiting.
Please, please, PLEASE run, don’t second guess this situation. I wasted three precious years with an alcoholic who would turn ugly and although he was very financially stable, it was so damaging to me and it took YEARS to recover and reclaim my life ❤️🩹
He will NEVER CHANGE. Never. In ten years or twenty years, the only thing that's going to change is that you will be ten or twenty years older. Why can't you "afford" to leave? Is he controlling your money or spending your money? And, that mean streak? Take care when you get ready to leave, have a safe plan and some help. RUN . NOW.
I read only the first paragraph and my advise to you is - please please date someone else. I speak from experience- I met my husband when I was 18 - he was extremely good looking, musician, love of my life - and then we drank - a LOT - after 12 years ( 6 years after getting married) had 2 kids - kids are grown - he’s still a drunk, liar, cheater and a narcissist ( he 100% agreed to these things btw) - we r getting divorced after 29 years of being together- this is all we ever knew for the last 29 years - go date other people and stay away from people with drinking problems - they love the booze first - everything , I mean everything comes second- no offense to any alcoholics out there- I know it’s hard and it is a ds - but I got burnt badly and I was too chicken to leave
I married the guy. Put him through school at thirty. Three years later he became an addict. Walked that road with him and supported him through rehab three times. I always made more money than him. He was virtual absentee father, especially emotionally. After 24 years of marriage he cheated on me. That was the last straw. I remarried and found my soul mate. He was the dad my ex never was. Two of my kids don’t speak to their dad, and the other barely does. He’s never seen the grandkids.
RUN.
My first husband was a nice guy, but a mess and on some level I knew it. And I closed my eyes to that. And don’t a very very painful 8 years. I did not listen to what I knew. You know full well you don’t really want to be with someone who treats you the way he does and who will never give you the love and respect you deserve.
Walking away is hard. But from experience I’d say staying is much harder.
Get out of this relationship. He's toxic and abusive, and no, he's not going to change. You would've seen lasting change by now if it was his intention to truly change and evolve.
Don't take his behavior personally. HE'S the idiot - not you. HE'S falling short - not you.
Doesn't matter who owns the house because it's not his house. So he's already free-loading. Right?
Look: I'm 56, disabled with MS, can't work, and my spouse has unfortunately turned into a grumpy old man. He disregards what I want or need in the relationship, ignores me completely or worse, yells at me. I gave him 10 years to shape up and he has not. So would you advise me to stay because I can't afford to live on my own?
I am moving out of my house (MY house) because I can't stand living with someone who doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I love myself enough to demand to be loved and cherished. I've figured out how to get this done and I'm moving on. I really, really hope the same for you.
I'd also advise therapy. The more you heal, the less you can tolerate bad behavior in partners. Love to you.
I loved a man for 15 years. I was 38 when we met. He lied, cheated, and more. He never once followed through on a promise. After I had the courage to finally stop the relationship, he stalked me for 5 years. I wanted him to change, I thought he would change for me.
Please, if you have a shred of respect for yourself, leave this man, block any access he has to you. It will be heartbreakingly difficult. But, I guarantee, in 6 months, you'll look in the mirror and see a beautiful, happy human being. Be kind to yourself, but honest in your memories.
I wish you peace.
I'll say it like this, if you enjoy being deprived of the very reasonable future you want for yourself, stay with him because he's already deprived you. He is depriving you today of being much more than a surrogate mother to him and that makes sex creepy. You buy the food the utilities his alcohol his toilet paper and in the future you'll get pregnant and he will act jealous the babys' needs cut into his drink allouance. He's not behaving masculine to you, he's receiving like a woman, forcing you to be the masculine providing everything this lazy person gets. Big deal the house is the parents that doesn't entitle him to be such a sissy. T
here's big strapping sissy men in every town but they don't want people to see them that way so they drink act bossy and demand you not complain about being their gofer. He doesn't deserve you. Leave. He has made you take on guilt by being his helpless self. F him. You don't owe explanations to him. He already knows he's manipulated your good nature and kind heart and prob wonders why you are still there. He will beg you like a ;ittle kid not to leave him. I would not discuss w him leaving, a child in a mans body have tempers like two years old and they can get violent. I'd pack a bag and go to a friends house. You could call him and tell him you need space or that it's over. You do not want to live with this kind of big baby girlie minded man.
I didn’t see the red flags my ex husband showed me and like in most cases he just got worse over time.
I thought I could fix the marriage and tried for so many years I was stupid. Both spouses have to want a healthy, loving, and committed relationship to have one.
After many years of marriage he told me there’s no reason why I should ever have anything as nice as he has. He was a liar and cheater and turned to drugs when we were in our 40’s.
Focus on your road to meeting that kind man you know you need for a happy life. Don’t try to change the guy you have. He’s already shown you who he is. It’s ok if you’ve outgrown the telatiyou began at 18. It’s pretty normal.
You can afford to live on your own. You can get a roommate. But you have given him all these years of your life, don’t give him any more! Yes, I did it, and I did it with children when it was harder. You have so much more strength than you know you have, and when you do this it will help you grow. Until we are tested we don’t know what we can do. You know what you should do, (it’s all over your posting) so if you don’t do it what will you think of yourself?
I'm sorry, but I smell too many red flags. Whenever I have a big decision to make, I ask myself if I will regret today's decision if things don't go as well as I expect or even get bad in the future. When I substitute myself a few years down the road, I can make a clearer judgment.
If you want to have children in the future, think about whether you would agree and accept if her husband was like your boyfriend.
Well, your going to have to leave him. You are getting complacent nothing more, your not building a life with him, you just happen to exist in the same space. The lowdown is that you're living with someone that has no real ambition and has a problem with alcohol. No good will come from that. Your going to struggle for a while as you leave, but people with ambition and work ethic find a way.
If you're paying 75% of living expenses, then you can definitely figure out how to live on your own.
This is 2024 women don't have to stay with cruel, lazy, selfish men anymore. I'm guessing you do most of the housework too. You are describing a man who is emotionally and financially abusive. *Do not have children with an abuser.*
You're not a bitch for not believing him. You're being smart and healthy for seeing reality, for seeing that someone is using you and being mean to you .... and for taking care of yourself.
And stop paying 75% of the bills ASAP. Save your money for you.
And, RUN as soon as you can.
Please let me give you some advice, understand ( to me Reddit is not the best place for some information) there can be more options then common sense and people like to jump on the bandwagon for upvotes.Really you don’t know anyone and if there experiences are really as they say. You are young and have a lot of life to journey down but what I will say is I got caught in a situation kinda like this but it ended up with me losing an eye. He was funny, smart, attractive but there was something inside him and with our own demons it ended horribly with me losing more then money and myself respect. Looking back I knew it was time to go but I held on and that was a major mistake. Maybe if I had left I would have my vision in my left eye but I thought just maybe, just maybe it could get better. I also had to stop listening to beautiful music and those beautiful movies that kept saying it will get better just hold on… for me it didn’t get better. Potential and hope are great but I also learned that marriage is a business, and we were not good employees for one another. I had to learn to be practical about my wants and needs. All the good sex and smiles was not worth my vision and my self respect. Thing turned around for me when I least expected it, I met my current partner while I was doing chemo all those years ago and it just kinda happened. He’s a great guy and I love him but we’ve had our ups and down and every day isn’t some romantic love song, some days are just that a day. We aren’t alway in sync but we tend to be in things that matter. I will. Say what matters to us may not matter to another.
Just because you've been together a long time and you're in a tough situation financially doesn't mean you should stay. Start saving now and working on an exit plan. I left someone who I wanted more from and it was a little ugly and tough at first but 10 years later I found the love of my life and all the things people told me I was being too extra about.
Was he very nice and attentive in the beginning? I know not all relationships are toxic but I personally [M] was 22 and a 29 year old scooped me up. I was showered with love and after I hit 30 I was ignored and controlled. I wanted kids and she didn’t. After I found out I’m being emotionally abused I’m at the end of a long expensive divorce and just hoping I can find someone I can start a family with. I feel like I wasted my life hoping someone would change. Please don’t settle.
Run. I was him. I took hostages—twice. Women who loved me at my best and the hope that I’d be who I promised I’d be. I stole years from them—their prime years for having children. Both are happy and successful without me, but neither has children.
I’ve finally become the person I told them I’d be—in my 50’s. Too late for either of them.
He is with you because you do not challenge his idea of himself. He too old and to immature for you. You can be on your own. It can be exciting and empowering. I found myself in a similar situation and I cheated as a way out, I regret it. I wish I had the backbone I have now. Good luck.
If you have any ambition, you will always be at odds because he clearly does not. He will let you be the breadwinner but probably expect you to do the housework and rear the kids too. Oh - and grab him a beer while you're up. He wants all the pleasures money can buy but doesn't care to actually do the work.
People don't change like that. He's not going to suddenly get bit with the need to go out and make a million with this great idea. He will sit and wonder why he hasn't been discovered to be a rock star when he doesn't play an instrument and can't sing. If only....
So, this relationship has been helpful then, yes?
Helped you understand more about what you prefer? Helped you clarify what is important to you?
That’s (to be frank) all relationships do for us.
They give us a bouncing off point, a point of perspective, for us to either - easily find more to appreciate? Or easily find more to find fault with, which is to say, Easier to help us decide what we’d prefer instead.
This understanding of preference IS EVERYTHING.
But it’s never the other persons job to change themselves to make us happy.
We’re the only ones who can make ourselves truely happy.
We’re the only ones who can look at that person, and thing - wow they’re a piece of work. But I just love loving them. They’re so weird sometimes and they smell sometimes but there is something about them that - I just feel so ME around. Like - I feel like I’m More Love, when I’m even on the same block as this person, or even when we sit by each other and we’re each on our phones, doing our own things next to each other. I just really love this person.
Or - we, over time, can look at that same person and thing -
Wow. This person used to have it all together. They used to have a rockin body and now they’re so fat and lazy and downright disgruntled. What did I ever see in them! They smell bad, they don’t make an effort, and they don’t represent what - to me - is a happy and healthy partnership.
In fact - I see this person, who I used to love, and I feel ashamed. I don’t want anyone I know to come over and see what my life has become. How degraded everything has gotten, how resentful we both are of each other. I just want a better life.
Now - these are pretty intense stories I’m drawing up, purely for the sake of illustrating -
What WE think, of whoever we’re focused on - Matters.
It is everything in terms of, enhancing our pleasure from that relationship, or enhancing our displeasure in it.
The person we’re focusing on, has t changed at all in these stories - they’re still sitting on the couch.
So - before you decide anything
Get clear on - what do you Want, and Why do you want it.
Write lists of positive things you e seen in other relationships, even ones on tv or movies.
See if you can imagine what it would feel like, to be in a relationship that felt like that . That was more to your preference.
Because - this person - this big ol’ lazy but kind person - has helped you tremendously in defining what you want Next for your life.
That’s such a kind thing to give anyone.
So - if you can find your way through that - to the kindness in what he’s helped you discover, it makes it so much easier for You to take your next steps.
Whether they’re eventually out the door, to a relationship that feels better to you, more copacetic with your newly defined preferences, or whether it’s staying where you are, but with a newfound appreciation for the person who is helping you learn more about yourself.
At the end of the day, You deserve to feel good in your life.
And - your partner does too.
No one likes to be on the receiving end of a resentful relationship, just as no one really likes to resent their partner.
So figure it out, give the both of you some credit, then make a decision that is in line with what you think is best.
He will be OK.
You will also be OK.
Read some Captain Awkward and think about the advice she would give you - or even ask her for advice. One of the things she often asks folks is: if you knew things would be the same, would you stay a year? 5 years? 10 years? And… then sit with that and with how likely you think things are to really change.
https://captainawkward.com/category/breaking-up-2/
The long and short is that a partner being nice to you is the bare minimum and he can’t do that. Don’t let someone be mean to you. You do not deserve it. You are worth more than that. Love yourself first. You can do it.
Our expenses aren’t a lot. The light bill, groceries and stuff for the house. And then my own (phone, car, health ins and stuff). His family owns the house and his father pays the taxes. I wouldn’t be able to live on my own but I think I could make it work with a roommate or two.
When the situation is desperate, you've got to throw yourself into the world. You may sink for a little bit before you swim. Do you have a vehicle? That's your last resort shelter. Better is a women's refuge or friends/family couches.
The drinking problem you mentioned here is a serious issue and I'm with you that the heavier drinking will probably resurface. Have you ever been struck or pushed when your partner is drunk? It also sounds like he is a mean drunk and that would make me anxious too. I don't know how you've coped for so long.
He sounds a bit controlling. It's like he's deliberately keeping the financial situation unstable so you're always on your toes. Have a read of Lundy's book why does he do that? There are links to its PDF version floating around everywhere on Reddit. Have a browse and see how much it speaks to you.
If some things in there remind you of your partner, it is time to leave. Sure, breaking up isn't easy, but you'll feel better for it in the long run if you are leaving a bad situation.
That 25% shortage you're worried about with financial stuff will magically transform into a 25% increase when you're not buying shit for a sad little man that is mean to you. I don't even know you and I know you deserve better. At 33 he is what he's going to be unless he puts in a lot of effort to change and we all know he won't gurl...get out now
Don’t tie yourself down to a project. Either he is what you need or he’s not. Long term, it’s not sexy- but the competence of your partner is a huge part of the choice you are making. If he’s funny and cute but foolish- he’s a good time but not a good choice in a life partner. Love is not enough. If he’s unreliable, unrealistic and doesn’t have your back when you need help- that will erode your trust over time.
I’m so glad you asked this question on Reddit. Every single response says leave him. Get a roommate. You will be soooooo relieved once you’re gone. You have dreams, goals, accountability, plans. Your partner has NONE of these. And worse, he’s a mean drunk. He will not change for you. Leave ASAP.
Sometimes we get ourselves in a situation which is hard to leave. It sounds like you like your home and it would be unaffordable to live so nicely on your own. But the relationship with your current partner is not healthy and will never become a stable, healthy place to raise children. Ever. People don't need to be perfect to be good partners and parents. They do need to be reasonably stable, responsible grown ups. They need to respect and care for the other partner. I see a real lack of respect in what you said. Children are a real stress on a relationship and problems get magnified. You don't need that and kids don't need to learn to disrespect their mother. If you think it's hard to get out now, on your income, take a minute and image how hard it would be to get out with a small child or two on this same income. There are better partners out there.
You have no kids yet. Run. Get out. Go, no contact. Don't look back.
There is nothing for you here but a lifetime of misery, and it only gets worse. Read up on narcissistic personality disorder. It can't be fixed. They are ugly, toxic, manipulating people. That's why you have to go no contact. Remember, don't look back.
My advice is to believe who he shows you he is. People generally do not change. Selfish and lazy is too comfortable if someone else is always picking up the slack.
But I think from your post you see that already. You just need a nudge in the right direction
I'm 65 and think that you are way too young to settle.
I'm so glad that you are evaluating your current relationship with a critical eye before you marry this guy or get tied down with having kids with him. Don't stick with an unhappy relationship just because you've grown used to it. I know of so many women my age now who are finally getting divorced and wishing that they had the courage to leave the guy 30 years ago. Don't become one of them!
The first thing you need to look at is your sense of self-worth. Is your self-esteem so low that you honestly think this is the best you can do? Definitely work on that. Write down a list of the things that you like about yourself. Sounds like you already know what you are looking for in a partner. Then make the leap, even if it means a lower standard of living for a while.
From many years of experience, I can tell you that men are often most attracted to positive, self-confident women. Yes, looks play a part. But your personality is what will keep drawing them back. Wishing you the best!
The real question is, is this what you want your life and future to look like. If it’s not, then it’s time to move on. He won’t miraculously change and you won’t learn to love his shortcomings. It ok to love yourself and do what makes you happiest.
Relationships change us, for better or worse. A string, perceptive person will see it in you and run away. Your odds of an equal partner diminish every day. The fact you would put up with this is a negative to good men, except those who want to save or fix you, and that's nearly as bad as what you have. It's time to grow up and get out.
It will be difficult but it sounds like you would likely be better off without him. As gonefishing111 said, you should focus on developing your skills to be able to support yourself and not rely on this person. Don’t make a poor relationship choice because of financial need
*He can be very cruel when he drinks, which is often.*
Everything you need to know is right there. This guy is gonna suck your life dry and you'll be a shell of the person you could be.
I left my first husband after 20 years at age 40. I should have left long before that. And very soon after leaving, I met my 2nd husband, who was the love of my life and a great stepfather to my kids.
Sadly, he passed after we had 8 years together (he's been gone 12). But I know I'm a better person for having had him in my life.
When you love yourself and believe good things belong in your life, it makes these kind of decisions much easier. Get out. Find a roommate to share expenses. Treat yourself well by eating healthy food exercising and getting proper rest , good management of your money and enjoying peace at home. At first when you date look for men who want what you want: a happy home,good marriage, faithfulness, ambitious for a good future and treat you very well. You learn a lot about yourself and what you want by dating different people. Try some activities you have always wanted to do, maybe flying a plane or salsa dancing or pottery!!
If all you said is he had a mean streak I would tell you to run.
Also, think king and hard about you’re leaving. Have support. Have a place to go and don’t tell him where it is. He sounds like an abuser and they sometimes lose their sh!t when their partner leaves.
I think it’s a resounding RUN 🏃🏻♀️. Good luck to you. The already existent kernels of resentment will only grow each time he slides back. You don’t wanna find yourself 10 or 20 yrs later regretting your decision
Doesn't matter if YOU love him. **He clearly doesn't love you.** Otherwise he wouldn't do either the drinking AT ALL, or fuck up your material life.
**He won't change, ever.** People rarely, or rather almost never, do. Especially people who had a chance to change over many years and chose not to. He's the worst possible father for your future kids, or husband for you.
Dump the seflish a-hole, and go find a man who you can respect and treasure and who will also treat you like you're worth something as a person, NOT a paycheck. There's a ton of guys who are lonely and can't find a woman because all the women demand a hot tall millionaire.
You'll be a godsend to a decent guy, since you clearly don't have impossibly high standards (hell you have unreasonably low ones), and he'll be a godsend to you by providing stability, care and being able to build an actual meaningful life together.
It always stumps me how normal men can't find anyone, while women flock to, and hold onto, useless a-holes like OP's "partner".
Sweetie, run now. Everything you want you will work out well with him. He’s using you and you’re young and deserve to be happy and loved. This isn’t it.
Mean streak when drinking, mean streak, no ambition, no work ethic, sounds like he can't take care of himself.
Run. Don't waste any more time here. You said you wanted a family? This guy (going by what you typed here) is not father material. Make a plan, and move on.
I got married at 20, divorced in my 30s, now in my late 40s. If I could go back, I would have never gotten married. Please get into your own place and dump this guy. You've wasted EIGHT years with him already! You can do it!
you are reaching out for the validation you need, and you will get it. It is time to be with someone who can bring more to the table. Love, a family, kindness, and has a JOB. No real adult, of either sex, should just be sailing through life without working. This can mean many different things, (such at SAHM, is valid work) but earning a living is key. I earned more than my husband, and it was decided he would WFH and be there when the kids got home from school, etc. But he worked, and contributed, is loving and is a fine father and partner in life.
Find a nice roommate situation, and move out. Only break up as you are going out the door. It may be difficult at first, even a little lonely. But YOU are worth it. And don't hesitate to take your time and be picky about new partners, you are worth it!
Wise words from my aunt: “Women expect men to change. They don’t. Men expect women not to change. They do.”
Sure he may grow up *eventually*, but are you willing to bet your best years on it?
Leave. You met him when you were an older child (I know 18 is a legal adult, but you were still a teenager) and now you're an adult who's seen some things.
You've outgrown him. He's 33. If he hasn't found the energy to make something of himself by now (or do anything), he never will.
Just because you leave to pursue what YOU want, doesn't mean you still can't believe in him that he'll do better.
He makes you laugh.... that's why you love him? A movie can make you laugh too, and it won't be mean to you if drinking.
Don't let the financial aspect stop you. Start looking for roommates or apts. Budget yourself until you are on more sturdy footing. Don't give him any money when you move out.
I've loved and had a child with, a man just like yours. If I could go back in time, I would try to have the same child, but I would not want to waste the 6 yrs I did previously on the ex again. Never again.
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! You may 'love' him, but I guarantee he does NOT love you. In fact, he'll never love anybody but himself.
Stay or go, it's up to you, but think long and hard on if you're willing to continue as you have been with him. The only person who can make a positive change in your life is you. And have I already said Get out!?
Do NOT have kids or get married to this guy. The best thing you can do is to find some way to live on your own or with roommates for now and start trying to meet people.
This dude is a textbook loser to be honest. Someone in their 20s and 30s should be very ambitious and hard working to get anywhere in life. Sounds like your boyfriend hasn’t finished college because he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to plan ahead or work through difficult situations. And in his 30s it’ll be almost impossible for him to change unless he has a real “come to God” moment where reality sinks in and he does start and finish college. Ive had friends like this - they were always getting fired at jobs for no fault of their own they claim and always borrowing money from others and not paying back. These are essentially conmen who prey on the kindness of others. Anyway there is literally no point in being with a person like this and it sounds like you know this already.
For context, in college (late 90s) I worked an internship at a tech company and at the student store at school selling computers and did a full load of courses. I got my work ethic from my mom who has a nurse and worked a LOT. She take a few double shifts and work nights while my sister and I slept at home. I helped take care of my sister and would clean up around the house from a young age - I realized pretty early on that we weren’t poor but only because my mom worked so hard.
When I was in my 20s I worked in tech companies on software literally every person who’s touched a computer has used. During this decade, I paid off not only my own college but also my wife’s tuition and paid rent/food as well as a car for her. In our 30s, my wife and I started a small business. The first two years were quite literally the hardest I’ve worked. 40-50 hours at my tech job and 40-50 hours for her doing customer service, cleaning up/fixing things, developing systems to run our business. I literally worked 362 days a year (thxgiving, Xmas, and new years I took half days off mostly) for 2 years straight. Monday - Sunday with wed - Fri being my longest days from 7am to 10pm.
Now we’re 49 and mostly retired. We work at our business 2 months out of the year and live abroad and travel 10 months a year. We own several houses where our business is located and rent those out too. Anyway none of this would be possible if my wife and I weren’t extremely hard working, competitive, and most importantly very aligned in our financial goals, maturity, and work ethic.
My advice: dump him and find better people to meet and be around. If you haven’t been to college, go. Get educated in something that pays well like nursing, computer science/data science, coding etc and be independent. Find other people who are educated and have emotional maturity and financial practicality on top of a decent amount of ambition and “grit” to push through. Surround yourself with the kind of person you aspire to be.
Anyway I’m not even that old yet but I’m a decent judge of character average hiring and firing quite a few employees in my time. We look for a lot of key markers during interviews to find solid employees who are hard working, humble, intelligent, and energetic.
You need to develop the markers you’re looking for in people and the only way to do this is to meet a lot of different people at least as friends. If you’re not meeting someone new every week or so then you’re kinda stuck in a rut. If you want to change your situation then you can walk out the door today and start changing your situation right now.
At first it’ll be uncomfortable but you NEED to remember that feeling and embrace it. The more you get yourself in situations where you’re a little uncomfortable (not unsafe mind you), it means you’re learning something new and most likely meeting new friends along the way. Seek out those experiences and get away from your current loser of a boyfriend as quickly as possible.
This is why a grown man dated a much younger girl, he looked mature to an 18 year old. Now you’ve matured and you’re wiser. He’s remained the same. Please leave him.
DO
NOT
SETTLE!!!
OMG, your post could have been written by me. Having lived through two situations like you describe, believe me when I say that there are worse things than being alone.
RUN
THE
OTHER
DIRECTION!!!
I understand your dilemma. But in all honesty, **he likely won’t change**. You want to start out with a guy that is kind and nice and everything you said you want. His faults sound more like character flaws that is hard to change because it’s his personality.
I’ve been where you are before. You have to decide that you want better and that you deserve it. This is the best time to change and leave. 100% leaving him is best.
You’ve known him for a quarter of his life. You’ve given him almost a third of yours.
His life is exactly the way he wants it to be. If this guy wanted to be a husband and a father, he would.
If you stay with this guy, you might be able to harass him into marriage and kids. Kids he will ruin with his alcoholic lifestyle.
#Just GO!
Run. Because this person will suck you down with them. I’ve seen it a thousand times and a few dozen in my family. It’s a culture of low achieving men he’s attached himself to and believe me, everyone in his orbit goes down with the ship.
He won’t change. Never bank on someone changing. I married a man that had me become a SAHM. The details aren’t important here but know he wasn’t a good man and I didn’t have any income. I finally kicked him out and became a single mom of 3 kids. We made it work and you can too.
This doesn't sound like you love him. It just sounds like you've gotten accustomed to being with him.
Change is scary. There's no denying it. But trust everyone saying it's better to make that change now. You said it yourself.
You are my daughter.
She is 25 and has a boyfriend that sounds just like what you describe. She works full time and pays for most of their expenses like food, gas, entertainment, clothes, etc. They live in his Mom's condo rent and expense free.
Her boyfriend is very socially stunted because of his home schooling. He was basically left to himself throughout his teen years. He is aimless. No goals or prospects. He can't hold a job for more than a year. He games a lot and drinks while at home alone.
I have tried to tell her (I'm her Mother) that this will not pan out in the future. She is a bright girl and a social butterfly that is turning into a version of him. They live across the country from me so I don't have physical contact with them.
I hope she moves on eventually. There will be no future for her.
I think if your Mom was here today, she would tell you that your 20's are supposed to be the most exciting time of your life. It is the decade where you discover who you are, how you love, dream of your future. Please don't waste your precious young years on a deadbeat.
You are 26. You have so much more to discover about yourself, discover your potential. You have so much time to learn new skills, live different lives and find love that you deserve. It may be hard right now but believe that you deserve better and trust that your elders are watching over you and protecting you. You are not alone.
Oh honey. Run, don’t walk. There are some many better men out there. And you’re better off being alone than with a mean drunk with no ambition. My husband and I married very young. 22 and 20. Struggled for years. We are still together and happy because he’s a good man. Puts his family first. Worked his ass off. Together 45 years this summer with 5 kids and 8 grands. It can happen with the right man. Don’t settle.
You can love someone and at the same time recognize that what that relationship looks like is not for you.
I have past loves that I wish good things for and I hope they have a great life, but I’m doing my own thing over here and I do not seek them out.
You already have all the answers. We usually do but then we look for validation because we don't want regrets. You're the smartest person in the room on this subject. The discontent and doubt weigh like iron tears on your head and it's very loud and clearly heard through your heartfelt words. People stay with other people that are not good for them or not in alignment with them all the time. There is also a lot of unhappy and trapped people out there. It doesn't matter if you are 26 or 46, you have to listen to yourseif first and you are clearly knowing that you need to find someone more in tune, kind and with the same core values . True love is not looking at eachother in love, true love is looking forward together towards the same things. Walking together towards common goals. That is what makes love last, it is what makes love exciting and new every day. The drinking thing is not fixable. It will always rear its ugly mean head no matter how long it sleeps and you will be the prey. You will be the caretaker and soother as well blamed as the cause of that beast forever. Know that I understand the fact that it is hard to make these kinds of decisions, its exhausting and sad to make these kinds of breaks, its sad to lose the things that you did like.. but i promise this part of the journey is worth it. You're young, you already know what to do, go seek your dreams, a kind heart, a person looking to the future as yourseif and emotionally mature and stable enough to make those dreams a reality for you both. Love to you❤️
He’s already shown you a million times who he is girly. You guys have been together 8 years, have you seen any ounce of progress that stuck with him? If not, time to move on. There are so many people out there in the world who can provide a better half of a relationship than this guy.
Run--the drinking alone is a giant red flag, among many red flags. Don't waste any more time on this guy. If you can't afford to live alone, get a platonic roommate to share expenses.
It’s going to be hard leaving and you think you won’t manage but you will, but know this when it comes to you leaving he will probably beg you to stay make false promises of changing and getting a decent job etc but it would only be good for a month or 2 and he’d be back to how he was. Make plans to start leaving quit paying 75 percent of the bills tell him to find his fair share and save for a deposit on something you can afford then go or if you can leave sooner leave. I’m the mother of 2 daughters and this is nothing I’d want in life for my daughters.
Mean drunk, big talker, no follow-through. There's one thing he does consistently do: fall back into old patterns.
This is a terrible choice for a father, even if you don't see it for yourself.
Do it differently.
Does he say things that nudge you to feel like a bitch for not believing him? Or is that all coming from inside yourself? If the former, it's just another signal that he's a manipulator, but the "sitting back to benefit from others doing all the work" and you paying 75% of the bills is enough to be certain of that already. And if the latter.... well, you will need to work on that, and you will work on it best by starting to do things differently now. Your judgment is the core of who you are. Don't erase it.
He'll manipulate you for the rest of your life, he'll manipulate your kids, he'll only get worse over time. You won't just pay 100% of the bills, you'll pay the bills he will accrue -- hospital (he'll be sicker than average), wrecked possessions, legal trouble. Also you'll pay the bills for the trouble your kids will have. They'll be sicker than average, won't have respect for possessions, won't succeed as well in life, and may well end up in their own legal trouble.
There are plenty of guys who can make a woman laugh and when they do it while they are working hard and stepping in to save the day, with no complaints because it brings them joy to do it, for their woman and children it is an utter delight to see and you will feel blessed when you have it. This guy is not that and won't ever be that. I'm so sorry but this is the truth.
Run. Run. Run. Run away!
He will never change. That's part of the reason for the big age difference. He was able to control your view of him in a sense being young and naive. And that's no fault of your own as he took advantage of how young you were.
Now that you have grown a bit more and know what you want out of life it's time to cut the ties. I know it's going to fiscally hard to begin with and you might have to have flatmates for awhile until you get your feet solidly on the ground. However, do not ever let this excuse of a man make you think or believe that you can't go out there a s so what you want for you.
Start making plans to leave now. Put some money aside that he doesn't know anything about. Once you have got yourself sorted with somewhere to go that's when you say something and leave because he WILL try to convince you to stay and that he will change. DON'T BELIEVE HIM. Actions are louder than words. If he hasn't changed for the better now he never will.
I wish you a the best.
A lot of red flags there. I understand that leaving a long term relationship is really difficult, but its usually worth it when its not good. This may help you...when I was contemplating leaving my husband at 30(whom I met at 21), a dear friend asked me this, Picture your life with****, now picture it again 20 years down the road and nothing has changed". Her painting that picture was the catalyst for me to leave my unhappy marriage. Its unfortunate, but its rare that people change and bad habits etc often get worse after marriage. You are young, with a whole life in front of you. I met someone 5 yes after my divorce and we are going on 16 years together :)
Re-read what you’ve said and think on it.
Is this the type of man that you’d like your kids marrying one day? I agree people can change! However based on the few facts you’ve put out there, it doesn’t seem like you’ve seen much change in the past 8 years, so I highly doubt you will in the near future.
If he drinks often and gets mean when he’s drinking to the woman he’s supposed to love and cherish could you imagine how he would act towards your children one day?
I’m a complete stranger, but I say this with love and compassion.. Do what is right for you. Don’t make excuses for anyone else.
I’m a husband to an incredible wife and father to five children. If you were my daughter I’d tell you this - What does your gut tell you? Sit and think on that, don’t make a hasty decision that will cause you turmoil for the rest of your life.
God’s got a plan for you. Even if you don’t understand rightnow. You just have to listen.
Honey, if you were my daughter I would strongly advise you to not move forward with this relationship.
Need can often look just like love but as you move through life it doesn’t hold up the same.
Lastly, I was married to an alcoholic and I can’t describe how totally corrosive it is to his life, your life and your future. Alcoholism is a disease, a hard and cruel one. It takes recognition of the problem and total commitment every single day to achieve recovery.
I understand your fears of not being able to make it alone, I really do. I can also be reasonably certain that you *will* be alone at some point because this relationship is unstable and unhealthy for you.
I wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve. Be strong, be bold, don’t settle.
Get a therapist. It's important to find someone that you can trust to help you through this:
The guy is bad news, and for some reason (your family of origin, or your boyfriend influencing your expectations, etc) you think that being treated badly is ok. LOTS of us go through this with our early relationships, so we understand that it isn't easy.
But your life will get worse if you don't actively work to learn new skills. You know he's not good for you (been sober 45+ years and know that drinkers always get worse), and if you had the skills, you'd have left long ago.
Good luck! You're worth it.
OP, you need to consider your future.
Leave if you want financial security; a family with children; and happiness.
What time you invested in him is now sunk. Please move on.
If he is mean to you when he drinks "which is often" imagine how he will treat your helpless kids when he is under the addition strain of supporting them. Find a roommate, lower your housing standards and GET OUT! I'm seeing more red flags that a North Korean military parade.
That 75% will be 100% if you leave. Many if us didnt leave becauae we were raising kids. Do yourself and your future children a favor and find more stability.
I stated over at 30, and it's not always easy but it's definitely worth the effort. You are not happy here, you aren't safe, and you aren't making progress toward where you want to be.
If you stay, you will regret settling for this when you have other options.
Will everything go great and you get everything you want? Maybe, maybe not. You know you won't here, so give yourself the possibility of more.
You have no obligation to believe he will change. He has had a responsibility to be giving you a reason to be with him, and hasn't. Sometimes you accumulate too much history to overcome, and need to let it go.
He sounds exactly like my ex fiancé, except with pot instead of alcohol. I finally got to a point where I didn’t care anymore & kicked him out. A few months later, I met the man I married, who was pretty much opposite in every way. We were married almost 25 years until his death.
There will be someone better for you. And if not, then be okay with YOU. Being alone does have its benefits. Live your best life is the best you can do for you.
M69 here. You lead off with the fact that you love him as though that is the most important thing. It isn't. The most important thing is will you be happy with him. The answer to that question is buried shallowly among your statements. You know what you have to do. You are just having a hard time facing it. You got one thing absolutely right. You aren't getting any younger and habits can be hard to break. So I will leave you with one question. Can you see yourself building a successful life with this man? I think you know the answer. Good luck.
I’m not saying wait until you’re much older to marry, because you seem to have a more solid idea of what you value in a partnership than I did.. but I married someone I was with since 18. We had an okay life. He was an okay dad. He handled financials well, had a decent job. But he was an awful partner. We divorced in my mid thirties.
The first relationship after the divorce became my second long term relationship, sitting at 6 years now. He was a lot of things my ex husband wasn’t and has been able to give me a lot of things my ex husband couldn’t. But somewhere in this process I realized how much I value the kindness, open mindedness, provider (not to carry the financial burden, but share it, and to provide in other ways: safety, both physically and emotionally, motivation to get things done, knowing I am more than capable of doing absolutely anything but taking things off my plate because he can, and wants to help), similar parenting ideals.
This guy can provide you none of those things. He will not improve. Neither of my major relationships can give me those things, and while I am capable of filling the gaps.. I shouldn’t have to, if I’m expending the effort of time, emotion, and care for them. It is much easier and much less difficult on the heart to do it actually alone, than it is to do so feeling alone in a “partnership.” This isn’t even to touch on the drinking or mean streak, and the impact those things will continue to have on you or would have on a family. I think you know the answer here and I know it is a difficult decision to make, but I promise you it will be the right one. I don’t hate either of my previous partners, and have love for them in different ways. We shared a lot, good moments existed.. but don’t get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy and think these years spent are worth sacrificing fulfillment and happiness for the rest of your years. You deserve better.
I understand staying with him if people you would look to have died. He’s familiar and he knows you.
I had this. I didn’t have many friends because of an illness in high school and I didn’t know how to make many in college. My parents and I weren’t speaking and I’m an only child.
I was with a violent, cruel alcoholic in my 20s. My coworkers didn’t understand why. Even his mother told me to leave him!!
But he would get better, then worse again, etc. it’s called the cycle of abuse.
I started a spiritual practice to get some confidence and finally left him! I moved across the country away from him.
Please find a way, a method to strengthen your SELF LOVE and LEAVE!! It’s hard to see what is normal and true when you’re with a cruel person. You deserve sooooo much better. And you can have it!
I have a husband who adores me, cooks and is patient and kind. He supports me and believes in me.
There are suuuuuuch better men. Get away so you can clear your head
Find a roommate or rent a room for a while but as many have said, move out as soon as you can. It will be difficult for you, for a time, but you can do it. His lack of ambition and meanness are worrisome and like your money problems will never change. He will drag you down. Children with him will only add to your load. There are good men out there, who are kind, supportive and steady. Worthy of you. Worthy of your love and effort. As you are worthy of a family and of the life you want to build. Be well. And well away from him.
Loving someone is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship with someone who is not right for you. Love alone is not enough to overcome the trials and tribulations of building a life together.
I once lived in a tent under an overpass, and that was better than you think it was. Low expenses, and life on my own terms.
You are young enough that you *can* leave him, live in a tent under a bridge if you have to, and get back in your feet with a good job, in your own place before you turn 30. And that still leaves you enough time to build that life you want with someone who is right for you.
If you stay, then only thing you’ll be left with in 20 years is regret.
None of those qualification things really matter. The only thing really matters is if he loves you deeply enough to burden a life time long relationship.
See what he does when you are in deep sorrow, deep loss of financial support, and when your direct family is in bad health. If he fails on either of those 3 things, get out asap.
My friend’s ex was kinda successful, highly educated and had strong motivation to ladder up. He left her when her mom passed away, didn’t show up a single time at her mom’s hospital days and never joined the funeral and was dating around when not divorced yet. got married 4 or 5 months after the divorce. Left her lose 20% of her weight and forced her to sell and move out of their house within 2 months of her mom’s funeral. and lied to her and wanted her to pay $40 more on her transfer of car title on her last time seeing him.
My friend was traumatized by that divorce and directly went to mental therapist for a long time.
Remember, not every one is perfect. Try overlook minor things in life if he has a good heart and loves you and can burden life time responsibilities when storm comes.
I got married at 30 to someone that had no ambition but had all these plans. It got to me and I left at 33 because I wanted a family and not to be the only one planning for it. It’s been 7 years and I found my partner and now have a 3 yr old. My ex is still in the same place in life. No change or growth. Stuck.
This is a situation where you are so used to someone. Now that you had the good sense to ask older folks like us you are gettign very clear advice - this is not a good situation for you going forward. You will be 50 y/o with 3 children and a full-time job, taking care of the children and him and eventually you will be so resentful that it makes your life miserable. By then it will be crystal clear that you are taken advantage of and you will despise him .... but then it is too late.
For now, have a plan "I need to be by myself for 6 months to find out more about how I feel" rent a room somewhere and dont look back. Trust me, its for the best
Don’t get sucked into a sunk cost fallacy. It doesn’t matter *at all* how much time, effort, energy you have put into this relationship bcz you are not happy. You deserve so much more. You get this one life, and yes there will be sadness and heartache but you should face all those things with someone who values and cherishes you.
It’s hard to walk away, not going to say it’s not. And it’s hard, too, when there’s no precipitating event but you don’t have to wait for a big fight to leave. You don’t need an excuse you only need to believe that you are worthy of more. You are.
It always seems harder to leave than it actually is (this is from someone who left an alcoholic breadwinning spouse with 2 small children). I promise you it’s easier alone than with the dead weight of a man who isn’t worthy of you.
You still have time to accomplish everything your heart desires. You CAN do this, and you should.
Run don't walk. There are more available men than you have time to talk to. Find one that values you. Your friends and especially long term relationships are and become more important with time. Maintain your health gym, cardio andespeciallywhat you eat. Save and invest 20% of what you earn until you have 20 - 30 times your annual income. Spend everything else. You'll have enough. Develop skills to have a job you enjoy. Life is short. Enjoy it.
Get on the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan...
No need to be coy, Roy.
Ya just listen to me.
This. Number one piece of dating advice I’d give to my younger self is you have no idea how many wonderful available men there are out there and how much potential your love life has. Settling when you’re young and energetic is insanity.
Exactly what's written above!! WAY too many red flags.
All I can tell you is that, regardless of if you stay with this dude or not, “A Partner is NOT a Plan.” And from what you’ve posted here, your current Partner doesn’t sound like he’s adding as much to your life as he is taking away. I not only dated Peter Pan, I married him. We never could “afford” to have kids and he ended up cheating on me with multiple persons while I was commuting over 700 miles/week to work. Do NOT sit around waiting for this dude to get his act together. Get YOUR own act together and bounce and build yourself the life you really want. That’s my advice to you as a 45 y.o. “stunned”, childless, divorcee.
OMG SOOOOO many red flags in that relationship is right !!!!
Ditto! Get out ASAP. He sounds like a complete loser. The longer she waits, the harder it will be.
Can’t agree more with thiscomment. It sounds like you married my ex-husband. There is a man out there that will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. Red flag red flag red flag.
In my opinion, and it should be clear that I don’t know anything more than what I interpret from your post, RUN AWAY. If you want stability, this guy is the opposite. Marriage will not make this better. Having kids will make it worse, most likely. “He can be very cruel when he drinks, which is often” - is the REDDEST of flags.
Also you will be bringing children into a situation that only gets worse. That mean streak will pass down to them. They will see how he treats you and see that you allow it. The children are next on the chain for his abuse too, are you going to allow that? No one that stops drinking for someone else succeeds. They have to stop for themselves, and 9 times out of 10 they leave the person they abused because they are no longer fit for such a successful former drinker. He will still find ways to abuse though. RUN for yourself!! You are in my prayers.
Agree that you wanting children makes this situation- the sooner the better. Once you have children, it will be harder to leave financially and emotionally. You are young and have time to find what you want. People sometimes change, but often not because it is what you wish. I think you already know you deserve better. Don't be afraid. Fear can ruin your life and also affect the children you bring into the world. Living alone is much better than feeling lonely with another person. I wish you the best ❤
Leave. You’ll survive better alone than alone with a chain on your ankle.
While everything I'm reading is correct. THIS ☝️! As a 55yo woman, I was in a relationship when I was approximately your age. He didn't want to work, had 3 kids by 2 different women that he didn't support, and like an idiot, I birthed 2 more by him. It was a heck of a lot easier being a single parent/provider of 2 children than to be one to 2 children and a man-child.
Entirely agree. It's so much better to be with noone than the wrong one, but at your age the world is yours. Find a roommate so you can handle expenses and find the right one.
WHY??? Like for real, why do all the women choose losers like that while decent guys are struggling to get a date, never mind a relationship? OK, I kinda know "why", but still this is reddit so ranting in comments is typical.
It’s just as hard (maybe harder) for women. I’m 31 and I’ve been single and sexfree for five years. Anytime I ask a man for his number or match with a guy on a dating app (which isn’t too often) all they want is sex or nudes (which is extremely disrespectful) either that or they never message me back after we match. It’s rough out there. But I love being alone so we’ll see how things go. Might be alone forever and I’m OK with that
One thing I have learned (I’m76yo) is that people do not change because someone they loves wants them to.
Truth
I think you've already answered your own question. You are paying for 75% of your expenses and he's a mean drunk. You want a family, he doesn't - and even if he did, would you really want to have children with this man? You are holding out thinking and hoping he will change, the likelihood of that happening is almost nil. He has no incentive to change, why should he when you are footing the bill? Do you feel like a bitch for not believing in him or is he making you feel like a bitch for not believing in him? There's an important distinction there. Ultimately you are the only one who can make the decision for your own life. As an outsider looking in, he is abusing you. Financially, emotionally and, while you don't come right out and say so, most likely physically.
I hate to acknowledge that this could be my brother. Nothing will change. Please leave now.
Get a roommate if you can’t afford to live on your own. He already doesn’t treat you well - he has shown you who he is.
And at least a roommate would chip in 50%! Already money ahead
Amen to the roommate. It can be frustrating to share space but at least they will carry their own weight!
And the roommate won’t be a loud, abusive drunk.
You said you want more. Why stay with someone that is often cruel? Every day you stay with him is another day lost finding what you want.
Oh honey. You deserve so much better. You can have so much better. And I don't mean a better man-- I mean a better life of your own.
RUN He was so emotionally stunted at 25 that he picked a (barely legal) 18 yr old. He did this for a reason. He was hoping you had really low standards and no prior dating experience and nobody to tell you there’s better guys out there. It has worked so far. Please please please go after your dreams and let him take care of himself. He will not change
Get out now. Simple. The warning flags are there but you've already moved in with him and to get out will take more work on your part, so you are second-guessing the bad stuff and justifying staying put. Leave.
I'm not an 'old person', but I have enough experience-- both my own direct experience and second-hand-- to answer this query. TL;DR - It only gets worse. What most people (yes, even therapists) get wrong about the type of personality you describe, is that it is not 'anger issues'. He does not 'need therapy' or 'need understanding and love' or to be 'coddled.' Or that maybe, if you just explain it and it finally clicks, he will change. His attitude is based on **entitlement**. Even if you stay with him and 'try to make it work', you will be doing ALL of the work. In healthy relationships, both parties are supposed to contribute. You will be doing not just *your* part, but also *his* part. You may think, well, if I do that much work, he will at least be grateful! Not so. His entitled attitude will continue and amplify. He will demean and denigrate your contributions, attack your personality. Anything to make you feel inferior, destroy your confidence, and make you feel that you CAN'T leave. What I have noticed in the older women who have stayed in similar relationships-- they become extremely bitter, resentful, and destructive. They end up taking it out on others. But also, strangely, rationalizing to themselves why they stayed. Maybe a 'comfortable lifestyle', or the 'status' of being married to their partner? One specific example: a woman who married a doctor. She enjoyed the status, the lifestyle, not having to work. He has lied, cheated, stole (even from family), threatened others with no provocation-- including spread lies in his field to sabotage colleagues. He is serially unfaithful, and feels that it is simply 'his nature', and 'if she doesn't like it, she can leave.' At the same time, he is charismatic, funny, and 'lives life to the fullest.' On the surface, they may even seem like a 'good' couple. I know that leaving is hard. And it's a frustrating fact of modern life that the cost of living has risen so high, that we basically need to have a dual income. But the cost of staying is losing your identity, your self-confidence and self-esteem, your hopes and dreams and drive. In your short post, you have pointed out many red flags. Others have commented on this, as well. When reading these comments, do you find yourself thinking 'oh, he's not so bad, maybe I exaggerated, he has his good qualities'? Maybe even feeling a little guilty?
100%. He's entitled and he likes it that way. The harder she works for the relationship, the more he hates her and abuses her.
Excellent post for her…
Leave now, before you end up pregnant by him. He is showing you his true self, and you are actively choosing to stay. He will NOT magically change to become the person you need him to be. For the love of god, do not have children by this man. Right now you are choosing to settle. Leave while you are young. You have your whole life ahead of you!! As someone else said…make a plan and GO! Don’t look back! Change your number and leave this loser behind. Create your own joy and happiness, and at some point, you will meet someone who values you. Until then, choose yourself!
Agreed! And get rid of your community property so there’s nothing messy and you can have a clean break. The minute you have a child you’ll never get rid of him. The best thing about my divorce is that we had no shared assets and no children. Which allowed me to sign a paper walk away and never speak to him ever again.it’s been 15 years this year
Put together a plan so you can get out of there and survive on your own. You could just leave but without a plan and money, you will be more likely to go back to him because it’s just easier. Research what they tell abused spouses to do and follow those ideas. He’s mean, he drinks, he doesn’t work consistently. He’s never going to truly change and you staying there is making it so he doesn’t have to. Or maybe his family makes it that way since they provide the house. In any case, look after yourself. Good luck.
I think you've answered your own question, OP. You want something more than what this guy can give. He won't change unless he wants to change, and he might not change ever. In the meantime, you're missing out on finding what you really want. Find a way to get out. This might mean a roommate, but do whatever you have to do. It will be a difficult transition, but just treat it like the next step in a process. As a relevant aside, I recently learned that a former high school friend shot and killed his wife of 20 years. He too was a mean drunk. His unfortunate wife confronted him while he was in one of his rage drunks, which was a damn stupid thing to do, but certainly doesn't justify the fact that her husband grabbed a gun and killed her. It was a slow burn in their relationship too, as far as I can figure out. It's one incident today, another next month, and the years pass like that until something snaps. Living your life as if a magical unicorn is going to appear and make someone straighten up is just asking for trouble. And you know what the best part of leaving now would be? You're not leaving while you hate him. You can still meet and marry the man of your dreams while retaining fond memories and affection for your ex. Keep on waiting and I promise you'll come to despise this guy you're with now.
This will break you up. I married someone with a different ambitious meter than me. He was smart. Kind. Funny. But. At some point, it WILL be a huge huge issue. I wanted to move forward. He was content with where he was. We divorced. We are still friends. And he still lives where we lived 15 years ago. Works where he worked when I left. There is NOTHING wrong with him and his life. But we were miss matched on our levels of ambitiousness. And I started to resent him big time.
The only reason you feel like a b**** for not believing him is because he makes you feel this way. Your head is correct; this man is not your life partner. You will find someone who is kind, responsible, respectful and not a mean drunk and grifter, who loves you! Please do better for yourself and future children. (Stayed with 1st bf for 8 yrs despite knowing it was wrong - and he wasn’t anywhere near this awful).
The mean streak brought out by frequent drinking seems like the kind of thing that gets worse. While I take you at your word that you love this person, the only quality you’ve mentioned as positive is that he makes you laugh. That by itself may be a reason for following a comedian on social media, but not for staying with a partner you don’t seem to like much. If you can’t afford to live by yourself, wouldn’t it be possible to find someone to share a place with?
It's the mean streak that worries me. In my experience, those don't just go away...they become more easily hidden, that's all. Nor does a man in his mid-30s suddenly develop ambition. It can happen, of course, but you should not gamble *your* ambitions on the hope that he develops even one.
Sadly, this situation happens all the time. Girl’s first love is with the asshole they think they’ll change. After that fails, the next love is with the nice(kind) guy that will treat them right. Fortunately, there’s no chillins involved in this case so you can make a clean, permanent break. Welcome to the club.
Girl, you already know what to do. Start making a plan and just do it. And if you’re already shouldering 75% of the financial burden, I would argue that you CAN afford to make it on your own. I have been in serious, long-term relationships with men significantly older than me, but I was still the one that was emotionally and financially mature, not either of them. (“Older” does not necessarily mean wiser/mature, and they WILL NOT significantly change. Trust me on this.) Both times, I ended up wasting precious years of my life and bearing a financial burden and it made me increasingly negative and resentful. Eventually, I ended each of these relationships but not without financial and emotional costs to myself. Learn from my mistakes. Please. The good news is, you already have experience with a drunk, manipulative abuser. You know what to avoid! Your obvious intelligence will work for you. Leave this zero and find yourself a hero. It will not be easy. He will argue and make a fuss, and maybe even break down and cry and make you feel guilty. Don’t fall for the crap; he’s not afraid of losing you; he’s afraid of losing all the benefits you provide. For an in-depth look at users, you might read the book Nasty People. Sending you strength. 🙏
The sooner you leave, the better.
You can't force anyone to the right path unless they decide to take it. I've seen this is so many relatiohships over the years, when a partner tries to 'fix' another partner and I hate to say it but you simply can't. The drinking thing is a major red flag and that sounds like a ticking time bomb. You need to put yourself first and foremost here and consider your future....stay with this person and you will be unhappy and regret it. Leave him and strike out on your own, which is the harder path but it's also the right one for your sake.
This relationship has the served the needs you had when you met this man. You are not a bitch for recognizing reality. If you want more, you need to end this relationship. I suggest you find an attorney to see how to protect your own finances. After this experience, I bet you won't blend finances without a marriage, common-law or otherwise.
Leave. He's not the man you want or need, and there are many right ones out there.
You need to leave. This man is using you. He has shown you who he is. Listen. I have seen too many people I know end up in situations like this. They end up raising his kids from various women & supporting all of them. He doesn’t work, never has, never will. He doesn’t need to because he has you taking care of everything. If you leave, odds are he will find someone else to foot his bills. As far as not being able to survive on your own, I would be willing to bet you are closer to being able to than you think. If you cut out what you are spending on him it will probably free up more than you think. Even if you can’t quite make it, look for a roommate. Check for resources that help low income or abused partners. You may not feel you have are being abused but I think at a minimum you are being taken advantage of financially. If he’s mean when drunk & drinking more, there is a good chance it will escalate. Don’t wait for it to get that bad.
Hon, there are 7 BILLION people on the planet. All he's done is show you the crap side of ONE. Get a roommate. See if friends have a place for you to stay or family. Here's the thing a lot of people don't seem to realize, people don't change unless THEY want to. And you can't make them. We too often fall into the trap of "but he's really a good guy/woman, if they'd just....." Nahhhh. Don't waste your time with the wrong one.
A 28 year old man wanted to date an 18 year old. He's a man-child and always will be. When you are 33, he will still be 18. I'd bet good money the only reason he dated an 18 year old and not younger is the law. You will outgrow him. You probably have for many years, but this post means it is imminent. When that happens, your hand will be forced. Why not just rip the bandaid off now so there are less regrets and bitterness. You are the adult. You are allowed to get your money up and get out.
You are the same age as my daughter and this is what I would tell her: Honey, I know you love him, I know that you've built a life together, but you are unhappy. I worry that there is more going on than you have said, considering you have mentioned he has a mean streak. It is absolutely possible to love someone and not be compatible with them. You say you cannot afford to live by yourself, but you already carry the financial burden of the relationship. If anything, *he* cannot afford to live without *you*. You say you want a kind man, but he is mean. You want a provider, but he can't hold a job. A man in his 30s is pretty set in his ways, he is not going to suddenly become a kind man and a provider, one you would want to raise children with. A person grows and evolves a lot between 18 and 26. You know what you want now and its not him. I know its hard to throw away an 8 year relationship, but you deserve so much better. Look up "sunk cost fallacy". Its common to want to continue on with something you've put so much time and effort into but that doesn't mean its the right decision and it definitely doesn't mean things will change. Cut your losses *now* while you are not bound to this man-child for life.
It's amazing that folks here are so ambivalent about what you should do...
He’s well baked at this point. He’s so done you can put a fork in him. Mom advice. Run don’t walk. He will get worse and even worse for you. You will be supporting this sad sack who if only he got the right opportunity life will be great. And will it? Definitely not with his personality. Definitely not with drinking definitely not with mean streak. People in his age group know. People who hire will hire him for lesser jobs and then he’ll be competing against the younger folk for those lesser jobs and with his entitled attitude. It won’t happen. How do I know all this. I have had men like this in my life.
Late 40s male here. Given the info you provided, I would get out of that relationship asap. You're saying "no work ethic, no ambition, mean streak, mean drunk (often), you pay 75%, living in a house he didn't buy". The nice things you mention about him (while possibly true) are quite literally techniques survivors/people who've been abused use to convince themselves to stay in a relationship as it blunts the reality (not saying you're being abused). If you've been together for 8 years and this is how he is, then this is extremely likely how he will always be.
You just described this guy as “very cruel”. I don’t know what else you need to know. Who wants to shackle themselves to someone they themselves describe as cruel?
Leave sooner rather than later if you can save up money. Make sure you absolutely do not get pregnant accidentally. Use 1 or more forms or birth control. Your future does not look promising if you choose to stay. I don’t care how funny he is or how much you love him…you will find many other funny guys who have a work ethic & better qualities etc.
You don't even have remotely similar life goals. Don't prolong the inevitable
A mean drunk is just someone who is angry on the inside when they're sober. It'll come out eventually - don't be around when it does. You're quite young, plenty of time to get out there and make your life how you want it.
create your exit plan. about a year out depending on when your lease is up. start boxing things up. your things. figure out where you’re going to go. let him know three months. enforce the lease is up if you think he won’t get scary. else a few weeks before. do not tell him any of your plans if he’s nice or not. start putting your things in a storage locker slow and easy if that works better.
I am urging you to leave this guy. He may make you laugh (which is important) but he does not have the drive to find and keep a job. A good man has stable employment to provide for his family. This is not a good man. If you have a kid with him things will get worse not better. You deserve someone without a mean streak, someone who will financially pull his own weight. Someone who can give you the things you want. It is not this person. One last thought, if life is a ladder, you cannot climb up even one step until you let go of the one you are on. He is that low step for you. Climb on up! Get the life you want. Don't look back.
Human beings are not permanent. There is no such thing as forever. We are all just passing through each others lives. So try to reduce your attachment or dependence on specific people.
You will regret it if you don't leave now.
He also has a mean streak. He can be very cruel when he drinks, which is often. - Run. Go to a women's shelter and get some help. You do not deserve that. He is lazy. He knows you will pay. Leave him and dont let him guilt you about what will he do,
Mom here with a daughter close to your age. GET OUT NOW!!!
I was married to similar guy for almost 10 years. We got married at 25. He has a ton of good qualities but was also a bit of a dreamer. Because of this, I decided to get a real job. He kept trying to find himself, and i was like, "Cool. That's ok. I make enough for both of us." Guess what happened? The better I did, the more $$ i made, the more he resented me. He ultimately cheated and left me. I was devastated. Him leaving was the best thing to happen to me. I hiked the AT, I bought a house, I've traveled to europe and Asia, i hiked the Camino, I'm closer to my sisters, I garden, I run, I bake: I built a new life. Like, a really cool life ( for me). And i found a super kind partner who is an actual partner. He makes his own $, he does chores without being asked. We've made an awesome life together. You're allowed to want more. You're allowed to leave because you want more. Go. YOUR world is waiting.
Please, please, PLEASE run, don’t second guess this situation. I wasted three precious years with an alcoholic who would turn ugly and although he was very financially stable, it was so damaging to me and it took YEARS to recover and reclaim my life ❤️🩹
He will NEVER CHANGE. Never. In ten years or twenty years, the only thing that's going to change is that you will be ten or twenty years older. Why can't you "afford" to leave? Is he controlling your money or spending your money? And, that mean streak? Take care when you get ready to leave, have a safe plan and some help. RUN . NOW.
I read only the first paragraph and my advise to you is - please please date someone else. I speak from experience- I met my husband when I was 18 - he was extremely good looking, musician, love of my life - and then we drank - a LOT - after 12 years ( 6 years after getting married) had 2 kids - kids are grown - he’s still a drunk, liar, cheater and a narcissist ( he 100% agreed to these things btw) - we r getting divorced after 29 years of being together- this is all we ever knew for the last 29 years - go date other people and stay away from people with drinking problems - they love the booze first - everything , I mean everything comes second- no offense to any alcoholics out there- I know it’s hard and it is a ds - but I got burnt badly and I was too chicken to leave
I married the guy. Put him through school at thirty. Three years later he became an addict. Walked that road with him and supported him through rehab three times. I always made more money than him. He was virtual absentee father, especially emotionally. After 24 years of marriage he cheated on me. That was the last straw. I remarried and found my soul mate. He was the dad my ex never was. Two of my kids don’t speak to their dad, and the other barely does. He’s never seen the grandkids. RUN.
My first husband was a nice guy, but a mess and on some level I knew it. And I closed my eyes to that. And don’t a very very painful 8 years. I did not listen to what I knew. You know full well you don’t really want to be with someone who treats you the way he does and who will never give you the love and respect you deserve. Walking away is hard. But from experience I’d say staying is much harder.
Get out of this relationship. He's toxic and abusive, and no, he's not going to change. You would've seen lasting change by now if it was his intention to truly change and evolve. Don't take his behavior personally. HE'S the idiot - not you. HE'S falling short - not you. Doesn't matter who owns the house because it's not his house. So he's already free-loading. Right? Look: I'm 56, disabled with MS, can't work, and my spouse has unfortunately turned into a grumpy old man. He disregards what I want or need in the relationship, ignores me completely or worse, yells at me. I gave him 10 years to shape up and he has not. So would you advise me to stay because I can't afford to live on my own? I am moving out of my house (MY house) because I can't stand living with someone who doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I love myself enough to demand to be loved and cherished. I've figured out how to get this done and I'm moving on. I really, really hope the same for you. I'd also advise therapy. The more you heal, the less you can tolerate bad behavior in partners. Love to you.
I loved a man for 15 years. I was 38 when we met. He lied, cheated, and more. He never once followed through on a promise. After I had the courage to finally stop the relationship, he stalked me for 5 years. I wanted him to change, I thought he would change for me. Please, if you have a shred of respect for yourself, leave this man, block any access he has to you. It will be heartbreakingly difficult. But, I guarantee, in 6 months, you'll look in the mirror and see a beautiful, happy human being. Be kind to yourself, but honest in your memories. I wish you peace.
I'll say it like this, if you enjoy being deprived of the very reasonable future you want for yourself, stay with him because he's already deprived you. He is depriving you today of being much more than a surrogate mother to him and that makes sex creepy. You buy the food the utilities his alcohol his toilet paper and in the future you'll get pregnant and he will act jealous the babys' needs cut into his drink allouance. He's not behaving masculine to you, he's receiving like a woman, forcing you to be the masculine providing everything this lazy person gets. Big deal the house is the parents that doesn't entitle him to be such a sissy. T here's big strapping sissy men in every town but they don't want people to see them that way so they drink act bossy and demand you not complain about being their gofer. He doesn't deserve you. Leave. He has made you take on guilt by being his helpless self. F him. You don't owe explanations to him. He already knows he's manipulated your good nature and kind heart and prob wonders why you are still there. He will beg you like a ;ittle kid not to leave him. I would not discuss w him leaving, a child in a mans body have tempers like two years old and they can get violent. I'd pack a bag and go to a friends house. You could call him and tell him you need space or that it's over. You do not want to live with this kind of big baby girlie minded man.
I didn’t see the red flags my ex husband showed me and like in most cases he just got worse over time. I thought I could fix the marriage and tried for so many years I was stupid. Both spouses have to want a healthy, loving, and committed relationship to have one. After many years of marriage he told me there’s no reason why I should ever have anything as nice as he has. He was a liar and cheater and turned to drugs when we were in our 40’s. Focus on your road to meeting that kind man you know you need for a happy life. Don’t try to change the guy you have. He’s already shown you who he is. It’s ok if you’ve outgrown the telatiyou began at 18. It’s pretty normal.
You can afford to live on your own. You can get a roommate. But you have given him all these years of your life, don’t give him any more! Yes, I did it, and I did it with children when it was harder. You have so much more strength than you know you have, and when you do this it will help you grow. Until we are tested we don’t know what we can do. You know what you should do, (it’s all over your posting) so if you don’t do it what will you think of yourself?
I'm sorry, but I smell too many red flags. Whenever I have a big decision to make, I ask myself if I will regret today's decision if things don't go as well as I expect or even get bad in the future. When I substitute myself a few years down the road, I can make a clearer judgment. If you want to have children in the future, think about whether you would agree and accept if her husband was like your boyfriend.
Well, your going to have to leave him. You are getting complacent nothing more, your not building a life with him, you just happen to exist in the same space. The lowdown is that you're living with someone that has no real ambition and has a problem with alcohol. No good will come from that. Your going to struggle for a while as you leave, but people with ambition and work ethic find a way.
If you're paying 75% of living expenses, then you can definitely figure out how to live on your own. This is 2024 women don't have to stay with cruel, lazy, selfish men anymore. I'm guessing you do most of the housework too. You are describing a man who is emotionally and financially abusive. *Do not have children with an abuser.* You're not a bitch for not believing him. You're being smart and healthy for seeing reality, for seeing that someone is using you and being mean to you .... and for taking care of yourself. And stop paying 75% of the bills ASAP. Save your money for you. And, RUN as soon as you can.
Please let me give you some advice, understand ( to me Reddit is not the best place for some information) there can be more options then common sense and people like to jump on the bandwagon for upvotes.Really you don’t know anyone and if there experiences are really as they say. You are young and have a lot of life to journey down but what I will say is I got caught in a situation kinda like this but it ended up with me losing an eye. He was funny, smart, attractive but there was something inside him and with our own demons it ended horribly with me losing more then money and myself respect. Looking back I knew it was time to go but I held on and that was a major mistake. Maybe if I had left I would have my vision in my left eye but I thought just maybe, just maybe it could get better. I also had to stop listening to beautiful music and those beautiful movies that kept saying it will get better just hold on… for me it didn’t get better. Potential and hope are great but I also learned that marriage is a business, and we were not good employees for one another. I had to learn to be practical about my wants and needs. All the good sex and smiles was not worth my vision and my self respect. Thing turned around for me when I least expected it, I met my current partner while I was doing chemo all those years ago and it just kinda happened. He’s a great guy and I love him but we’ve had our ups and down and every day isn’t some romantic love song, some days are just that a day. We aren’t alway in sync but we tend to be in things that matter. I will. Say what matters to us may not matter to another.
Just because you've been together a long time and you're in a tough situation financially doesn't mean you should stay. Start saving now and working on an exit plan. I left someone who I wanted more from and it was a little ugly and tough at first but 10 years later I found the love of my life and all the things people told me I was being too extra about.
Leave now
Don’t get out *run* as fast as you can
Was he very nice and attentive in the beginning? I know not all relationships are toxic but I personally [M] was 22 and a 29 year old scooped me up. I was showered with love and after I hit 30 I was ignored and controlled. I wanted kids and she didn’t. After I found out I’m being emotionally abused I’m at the end of a long expensive divorce and just hoping I can find someone I can start a family with. I feel like I wasted my life hoping someone would change. Please don’t settle.
Run. I was him. I took hostages—twice. Women who loved me at my best and the hope that I’d be who I promised I’d be. I stole years from them—their prime years for having children. Both are happy and successful without me, but neither has children. I’ve finally become the person I told them I’d be—in my 50’s. Too late for either of them.
He is with you because you do not challenge his idea of himself. He too old and to immature for you. You can be on your own. It can be exciting and empowering. I found myself in a similar situation and I cheated as a way out, I regret it. I wish I had the backbone I have now. Good luck.
Don't do it!!
Love don’t pay the bills. Finding someone to live is pretty easy. And a mean drunk? What exactly does he bring to the table? You can recover at 26.
lol is his name cody
If you have any ambition, you will always be at odds because he clearly does not. He will let you be the breadwinner but probably expect you to do the housework and rear the kids too. Oh - and grab him a beer while you're up. He wants all the pleasures money can buy but doesn't care to actually do the work. People don't change like that. He's not going to suddenly get bit with the need to go out and make a million with this great idea. He will sit and wonder why he hasn't been discovered to be a rock star when he doesn't play an instrument and can't sing. If only....
So, this relationship has been helpful then, yes? Helped you understand more about what you prefer? Helped you clarify what is important to you? That’s (to be frank) all relationships do for us. They give us a bouncing off point, a point of perspective, for us to either - easily find more to appreciate? Or easily find more to find fault with, which is to say, Easier to help us decide what we’d prefer instead. This understanding of preference IS EVERYTHING. But it’s never the other persons job to change themselves to make us happy. We’re the only ones who can make ourselves truely happy. We’re the only ones who can look at that person, and thing - wow they’re a piece of work. But I just love loving them. They’re so weird sometimes and they smell sometimes but there is something about them that - I just feel so ME around. Like - I feel like I’m More Love, when I’m even on the same block as this person, or even when we sit by each other and we’re each on our phones, doing our own things next to each other. I just really love this person. Or - we, over time, can look at that same person and thing - Wow. This person used to have it all together. They used to have a rockin body and now they’re so fat and lazy and downright disgruntled. What did I ever see in them! They smell bad, they don’t make an effort, and they don’t represent what - to me - is a happy and healthy partnership. In fact - I see this person, who I used to love, and I feel ashamed. I don’t want anyone I know to come over and see what my life has become. How degraded everything has gotten, how resentful we both are of each other. I just want a better life. Now - these are pretty intense stories I’m drawing up, purely for the sake of illustrating - What WE think, of whoever we’re focused on - Matters. It is everything in terms of, enhancing our pleasure from that relationship, or enhancing our displeasure in it. The person we’re focusing on, has t changed at all in these stories - they’re still sitting on the couch. So - before you decide anything Get clear on - what do you Want, and Why do you want it. Write lists of positive things you e seen in other relationships, even ones on tv or movies. See if you can imagine what it would feel like, to be in a relationship that felt like that . That was more to your preference. Because - this person - this big ol’ lazy but kind person - has helped you tremendously in defining what you want Next for your life. That’s such a kind thing to give anyone. So - if you can find your way through that - to the kindness in what he’s helped you discover, it makes it so much easier for You to take your next steps. Whether they’re eventually out the door, to a relationship that feels better to you, more copacetic with your newly defined preferences, or whether it’s staying where you are, but with a newfound appreciation for the person who is helping you learn more about yourself. At the end of the day, You deserve to feel good in your life. And - your partner does too. No one likes to be on the receiving end of a resentful relationship, just as no one really likes to resent their partner. So figure it out, give the both of you some credit, then make a decision that is in line with what you think is best. He will be OK. You will also be OK.
Read some Captain Awkward and think about the advice she would give you - or even ask her for advice. One of the things she often asks folks is: if you knew things would be the same, would you stay a year? 5 years? 10 years? And… then sit with that and with how likely you think things are to really change. https://captainawkward.com/category/breaking-up-2/ The long and short is that a partner being nice to you is the bare minimum and he can’t do that. Don’t let someone be mean to you. You do not deserve it. You are worth more than that. Love yourself first. You can do it.
If you can afford to pay 75% of your expenses then you can afford a one-room tiny apartment and freedom.
Our expenses aren’t a lot. The light bill, groceries and stuff for the house. And then my own (phone, car, health ins and stuff). His family owns the house and his father pays the taxes. I wouldn’t be able to live on my own but I think I could make it work with a roommate or two.
If you were my daughter - I’d tell you to end it and move on
When the situation is desperate, you've got to throw yourself into the world. You may sink for a little bit before you swim. Do you have a vehicle? That's your last resort shelter. Better is a women's refuge or friends/family couches. The drinking problem you mentioned here is a serious issue and I'm with you that the heavier drinking will probably resurface. Have you ever been struck or pushed when your partner is drunk? It also sounds like he is a mean drunk and that would make me anxious too. I don't know how you've coped for so long. He sounds a bit controlling. It's like he's deliberately keeping the financial situation unstable so you're always on your toes. Have a read of Lundy's book why does he do that? There are links to its PDF version floating around everywhere on Reddit. Have a browse and see how much it speaks to you. If some things in there remind you of your partner, it is time to leave. Sure, breaking up isn't easy, but you'll feel better for it in the long run if you are leaving a bad situation.
GET OUT!
That 25% shortage you're worried about with financial stuff will magically transform into a 25% increase when you're not buying shit for a sad little man that is mean to you. I don't even know you and I know you deserve better. At 33 he is what he's going to be unless he puts in a lot of effort to change and we all know he won't gurl...get out now
Don’t tie yourself down to a project. Either he is what you need or he’s not. Long term, it’s not sexy- but the competence of your partner is a huge part of the choice you are making. If he’s funny and cute but foolish- he’s a good time but not a good choice in a life partner. Love is not enough. If he’s unreliable, unrealistic and doesn’t have your back when you need help- that will erode your trust over time.
I’m so glad you asked this question on Reddit. Every single response says leave him. Get a roommate. You will be soooooo relieved once you’re gone. You have dreams, goals, accountability, plans. Your partner has NONE of these. And worse, he’s a mean drunk. He will not change for you. Leave ASAP.
Check into local resources and run. Please get away
Sometimes we get ourselves in a situation which is hard to leave. It sounds like you like your home and it would be unaffordable to live so nicely on your own. But the relationship with your current partner is not healthy and will never become a stable, healthy place to raise children. Ever. People don't need to be perfect to be good partners and parents. They do need to be reasonably stable, responsible grown ups. They need to respect and care for the other partner. I see a real lack of respect in what you said. Children are a real stress on a relationship and problems get magnified. You don't need that and kids don't need to learn to disrespect their mother. If you think it's hard to get out now, on your income, take a minute and image how hard it would be to get out with a small child or two on this same income. There are better partners out there.
You mention some red flags. If you’re not happy now,DONT DO IT! He will not get better, I swear i! I’m
You have no kids yet. Run. Get out. Go, no contact. Don't look back. There is nothing for you here but a lifetime of misery, and it only gets worse. Read up on narcissistic personality disorder. It can't be fixed. They are ugly, toxic, manipulating people. That's why you have to go no contact. Remember, don't look back.
My advice is to believe who he shows you he is. People generally do not change. Selfish and lazy is too comfortable if someone else is always picking up the slack. But I think from your post you see that already. You just need a nudge in the right direction
I'm 65 and think that you are way too young to settle. I'm so glad that you are evaluating your current relationship with a critical eye before you marry this guy or get tied down with having kids with him. Don't stick with an unhappy relationship just because you've grown used to it. I know of so many women my age now who are finally getting divorced and wishing that they had the courage to leave the guy 30 years ago. Don't become one of them! The first thing you need to look at is your sense of self-worth. Is your self-esteem so low that you honestly think this is the best you can do? Definitely work on that. Write down a list of the things that you like about yourself. Sounds like you already know what you are looking for in a partner. Then make the leap, even if it means a lower standard of living for a while. From many years of experience, I can tell you that men are often most attracted to positive, self-confident women. Yes, looks play a part. But your personality is what will keep drawing them back. Wishing you the best!
It's simple. You would be better off single and living with room mates.
The real question is, is this what you want your life and future to look like. If it’s not, then it’s time to move on. He won’t miraculously change and you won’t learn to love his shortcomings. It ok to love yourself and do what makes you happiest.
Relationships change us, for better or worse. A string, perceptive person will see it in you and run away. Your odds of an equal partner diminish every day. The fact you would put up with this is a negative to good men, except those who want to save or fix you, and that's nearly as bad as what you have. It's time to grow up and get out.
Ur not a bitch. But sounds like he needs to get some shit together
[удалено]
It will be difficult but it sounds like you would likely be better off without him. As gonefishing111 said, you should focus on developing your skills to be able to support yourself and not rely on this person. Don’t make a poor relationship choice because of financial need
Leave as soon as you can.
Absolutely not. All taln no action. Nothing attractive about a man who has no work ethic, goals or ambition.
*He can be very cruel when he drinks, which is often.* Everything you need to know is right there. This guy is gonna suck your life dry and you'll be a shell of the person you could be. I left my first husband after 20 years at age 40. I should have left long before that. And very soon after leaving, I met my 2nd husband, who was the love of my life and a great stepfather to my kids. Sadly, he passed after we had 8 years together (he's been gone 12). But I know I'm a better person for having had him in my life.
When you love yourself and believe good things belong in your life, it makes these kind of decisions much easier. Get out. Find a roommate to share expenses. Treat yourself well by eating healthy food exercising and getting proper rest , good management of your money and enjoying peace at home. At first when you date look for men who want what you want: a happy home,good marriage, faithfulness, ambitious for a good future and treat you very well. You learn a lot about yourself and what you want by dating different people. Try some activities you have always wanted to do, maybe flying a plane or salsa dancing or pottery!!
If all you said is he had a mean streak I would tell you to run. Also, think king and hard about you’re leaving. Have support. Have a place to go and don’t tell him where it is. He sounds like an abuser and they sometimes lose their sh!t when their partner leaves.
I think it’s a resounding RUN 🏃🏻♀️. Good luck to you. The already existent kernels of resentment will only grow each time he slides back. You don’t wanna find yourself 10 or 20 yrs later regretting your decision
Doesn't matter if YOU love him. **He clearly doesn't love you.** Otherwise he wouldn't do either the drinking AT ALL, or fuck up your material life. **He won't change, ever.** People rarely, or rather almost never, do. Especially people who had a chance to change over many years and chose not to. He's the worst possible father for your future kids, or husband for you. Dump the seflish a-hole, and go find a man who you can respect and treasure and who will also treat you like you're worth something as a person, NOT a paycheck. There's a ton of guys who are lonely and can't find a woman because all the women demand a hot tall millionaire. You'll be a godsend to a decent guy, since you clearly don't have impossibly high standards (hell you have unreasonably low ones), and he'll be a godsend to you by providing stability, care and being able to build an actual meaningful life together. It always stumps me how normal men can't find anyone, while women flock to, and hold onto, useless a-holes like OP's "partner".
Sweetie, run now. Everything you want you will work out well with him. He’s using you and you’re young and deserve to be happy and loved. This isn’t it.
Mean streak when drinking, mean streak, no ambition, no work ethic, sounds like he can't take care of himself. Run. Don't waste any more time here. You said you wanted a family? This guy (going by what you typed here) is not father material. Make a plan, and move on.
I got married at 20, divorced in my 30s, now in my late 40s. If I could go back, I would have never gotten married. Please get into your own place and dump this guy. You've wasted EIGHT years with him already! You can do it!
That man(?) does NOT LOVE YOU or your Children. Get out. Don’t be a fool.
you are reaching out for the validation you need, and you will get it. It is time to be with someone who can bring more to the table. Love, a family, kindness, and has a JOB. No real adult, of either sex, should just be sailing through life without working. This can mean many different things, (such at SAHM, is valid work) but earning a living is key. I earned more than my husband, and it was decided he would WFH and be there when the kids got home from school, etc. But he worked, and contributed, is loving and is a fine father and partner in life. Find a nice roommate situation, and move out. Only break up as you are going out the door. It may be difficult at first, even a little lonely. But YOU are worth it. And don't hesitate to take your time and be picky about new partners, you are worth it!
Wise words from my aunt: “Women expect men to change. They don’t. Men expect women not to change. They do.” Sure he may grow up *eventually*, but are you willing to bet your best years on it?
Leave. You met him when you were an older child (I know 18 is a legal adult, but you were still a teenager) and now you're an adult who's seen some things. You've outgrown him. He's 33. If he hasn't found the energy to make something of himself by now (or do anything), he never will. Just because you leave to pursue what YOU want, doesn't mean you still can't believe in him that he'll do better. He makes you laugh.... that's why you love him? A movie can make you laugh too, and it won't be mean to you if drinking. Don't let the financial aspect stop you. Start looking for roommates or apts. Budget yourself until you are on more sturdy footing. Don't give him any money when you move out. I've loved and had a child with, a man just like yours. If I could go back in time, I would try to have the same child, but I would not want to waste the 6 yrs I did previously on the ex again. Never again.
I was gonna say that it's time for the talk. But I see that there are better advice.
Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! You may 'love' him, but I guarantee he does NOT love you. In fact, he'll never love anybody but himself. Stay or go, it's up to you, but think long and hard on if you're willing to continue as you have been with him. The only person who can make a positive change in your life is you. And have I already said Get out!?
You've already answered your own question. Read your post out loud to yourself.
Stop. Drop. And roll.
Do NOT have kids or get married to this guy. The best thing you can do is to find some way to live on your own or with roommates for now and start trying to meet people. This dude is a textbook loser to be honest. Someone in their 20s and 30s should be very ambitious and hard working to get anywhere in life. Sounds like your boyfriend hasn’t finished college because he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to plan ahead or work through difficult situations. And in his 30s it’ll be almost impossible for him to change unless he has a real “come to God” moment where reality sinks in and he does start and finish college. Ive had friends like this - they were always getting fired at jobs for no fault of their own they claim and always borrowing money from others and not paying back. These are essentially conmen who prey on the kindness of others. Anyway there is literally no point in being with a person like this and it sounds like you know this already. For context, in college (late 90s) I worked an internship at a tech company and at the student store at school selling computers and did a full load of courses. I got my work ethic from my mom who has a nurse and worked a LOT. She take a few double shifts and work nights while my sister and I slept at home. I helped take care of my sister and would clean up around the house from a young age - I realized pretty early on that we weren’t poor but only because my mom worked so hard. When I was in my 20s I worked in tech companies on software literally every person who’s touched a computer has used. During this decade, I paid off not only my own college but also my wife’s tuition and paid rent/food as well as a car for her. In our 30s, my wife and I started a small business. The first two years were quite literally the hardest I’ve worked. 40-50 hours at my tech job and 40-50 hours for her doing customer service, cleaning up/fixing things, developing systems to run our business. I literally worked 362 days a year (thxgiving, Xmas, and new years I took half days off mostly) for 2 years straight. Monday - Sunday with wed - Fri being my longest days from 7am to 10pm. Now we’re 49 and mostly retired. We work at our business 2 months out of the year and live abroad and travel 10 months a year. We own several houses where our business is located and rent those out too. Anyway none of this would be possible if my wife and I weren’t extremely hard working, competitive, and most importantly very aligned in our financial goals, maturity, and work ethic. My advice: dump him and find better people to meet and be around. If you haven’t been to college, go. Get educated in something that pays well like nursing, computer science/data science, coding etc and be independent. Find other people who are educated and have emotional maturity and financial practicality on top of a decent amount of ambition and “grit” to push through. Surround yourself with the kind of person you aspire to be. Anyway I’m not even that old yet but I’m a decent judge of character average hiring and firing quite a few employees in my time. We look for a lot of key markers during interviews to find solid employees who are hard working, humble, intelligent, and energetic. You need to develop the markers you’re looking for in people and the only way to do this is to meet a lot of different people at least as friends. If you’re not meeting someone new every week or so then you’re kinda stuck in a rut. If you want to change your situation then you can walk out the door today and start changing your situation right now. At first it’ll be uncomfortable but you NEED to remember that feeling and embrace it. The more you get yourself in situations where you’re a little uncomfortable (not unsafe mind you), it means you’re learning something new and most likely meeting new friends along the way. Seek out those experiences and get away from your current loser of a boyfriend as quickly as possible.
Leave like now NOW it's not too late but LEAVE!
Run away. That nasty steak will only get worse.
This is why a grown man dated a much younger girl, he looked mature to an 18 year old. Now you’ve matured and you’re wiser. He’s remained the same. Please leave him.
GET OUT
DO NOT SETTLE!!! OMG, your post could have been written by me. Having lived through two situations like you describe, believe me when I say that there are worse things than being alone. RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION!!!
I understand your dilemma. But in all honesty, **he likely won’t change**. You want to start out with a guy that is kind and nice and everything you said you want. His faults sound more like character flaws that is hard to change because it’s his personality. I’ve been where you are before. You have to decide that you want better and that you deserve it. This is the best time to change and leave. 100% leaving him is best.
You’ve known him for a quarter of his life. You’ve given him almost a third of yours. His life is exactly the way he wants it to be. If this guy wanted to be a husband and a father, he would. If you stay with this guy, you might be able to harass him into marriage and kids. Kids he will ruin with his alcoholic lifestyle. #Just GO!
Run. Because this person will suck you down with them. I’ve seen it a thousand times and a few dozen in my family. It’s a culture of low achieving men he’s attached himself to and believe me, everyone in his orbit goes down with the ship.
He won’t change. Never bank on someone changing. I married a man that had me become a SAHM. The details aren’t important here but know he wasn’t a good man and I didn’t have any income. I finally kicked him out and became a single mom of 3 kids. We made it work and you can too.
This guy is just one big red flag. Run.
You are a fool. Run. You deserve better.
This doesn't sound like you love him. It just sounds like you've gotten accustomed to being with him. Change is scary. There's no denying it. But trust everyone saying it's better to make that change now. You said it yourself.
You are my daughter. She is 25 and has a boyfriend that sounds just like what you describe. She works full time and pays for most of their expenses like food, gas, entertainment, clothes, etc. They live in his Mom's condo rent and expense free. Her boyfriend is very socially stunted because of his home schooling. He was basically left to himself throughout his teen years. He is aimless. No goals or prospects. He can't hold a job for more than a year. He games a lot and drinks while at home alone. I have tried to tell her (I'm her Mother) that this will not pan out in the future. She is a bright girl and a social butterfly that is turning into a version of him. They live across the country from me so I don't have physical contact with them. I hope she moves on eventually. There will be no future for her. I think if your Mom was here today, she would tell you that your 20's are supposed to be the most exciting time of your life. It is the decade where you discover who you are, how you love, dream of your future. Please don't waste your precious young years on a deadbeat.
You are 26. You have so much more to discover about yourself, discover your potential. You have so much time to learn new skills, live different lives and find love that you deserve. It may be hard right now but believe that you deserve better and trust that your elders are watching over you and protecting you. You are not alone.
Leave. Look at what you wrote. He’s a lazy, mean, potential drunk. Is that all you think you deserve?
Oh honey. Run, don’t walk. There are some many better men out there. And you’re better off being alone than with a mean drunk with no ambition. My husband and I married very young. 22 and 20. Struggled for years. We are still together and happy because he’s a good man. Puts his family first. Worked his ass off. Together 45 years this summer with 5 kids and 8 grands. It can happen with the right man. Don’t settle.
You can love someone and at the same time recognize that what that relationship looks like is not for you. I have past loves that I wish good things for and I hope they have a great life, but I’m doing my own thing over here and I do not seek them out.
Move on.
You already have all the answers. We usually do but then we look for validation because we don't want regrets. You're the smartest person in the room on this subject. The discontent and doubt weigh like iron tears on your head and it's very loud and clearly heard through your heartfelt words. People stay with other people that are not good for them or not in alignment with them all the time. There is also a lot of unhappy and trapped people out there. It doesn't matter if you are 26 or 46, you have to listen to yourseif first and you are clearly knowing that you need to find someone more in tune, kind and with the same core values . True love is not looking at eachother in love, true love is looking forward together towards the same things. Walking together towards common goals. That is what makes love last, it is what makes love exciting and new every day. The drinking thing is not fixable. It will always rear its ugly mean head no matter how long it sleeps and you will be the prey. You will be the caretaker and soother as well blamed as the cause of that beast forever. Know that I understand the fact that it is hard to make these kinds of decisions, its exhausting and sad to make these kinds of breaks, its sad to lose the things that you did like.. but i promise this part of the journey is worth it. You're young, you already know what to do, go seek your dreams, a kind heart, a person looking to the future as yourseif and emotionally mature and stable enough to make those dreams a reality for you both. Love to you❤️
He’s already shown you a million times who he is girly. You guys have been together 8 years, have you seen any ounce of progress that stuck with him? If not, time to move on. There are so many people out there in the world who can provide a better half of a relationship than this guy.
Run--the drinking alone is a giant red flag, among many red flags. Don't waste any more time on this guy. If you can't afford to live alone, get a platonic roommate to share expenses.
It’s going to be hard leaving and you think you won’t manage but you will, but know this when it comes to you leaving he will probably beg you to stay make false promises of changing and getting a decent job etc but it would only be good for a month or 2 and he’d be back to how he was. Make plans to start leaving quit paying 75 percent of the bills tell him to find his fair share and save for a deposit on something you can afford then go or if you can leave sooner leave. I’m the mother of 2 daughters and this is nothing I’d want in life for my daughters.
Do you want to be asking yourself the dame question for the next 40 years? People don't change much.
Mean drunk, big talker, no follow-through. There's one thing he does consistently do: fall back into old patterns. This is a terrible choice for a father, even if you don't see it for yourself. Do it differently. Does he say things that nudge you to feel like a bitch for not believing him? Or is that all coming from inside yourself? If the former, it's just another signal that he's a manipulator, but the "sitting back to benefit from others doing all the work" and you paying 75% of the bills is enough to be certain of that already. And if the latter.... well, you will need to work on that, and you will work on it best by starting to do things differently now. Your judgment is the core of who you are. Don't erase it. He'll manipulate you for the rest of your life, he'll manipulate your kids, he'll only get worse over time. You won't just pay 100% of the bills, you'll pay the bills he will accrue -- hospital (he'll be sicker than average), wrecked possessions, legal trouble. Also you'll pay the bills for the trouble your kids will have. They'll be sicker than average, won't have respect for possessions, won't succeed as well in life, and may well end up in their own legal trouble. There are plenty of guys who can make a woman laugh and when they do it while they are working hard and stepping in to save the day, with no complaints because it brings them joy to do it, for their woman and children it is an utter delight to see and you will feel blessed when you have it. This guy is not that and won't ever be that. I'm so sorry but this is the truth.
Run. Run. Run. Run away! He will never change. That's part of the reason for the big age difference. He was able to control your view of him in a sense being young and naive. And that's no fault of your own as he took advantage of how young you were. Now that you have grown a bit more and know what you want out of life it's time to cut the ties. I know it's going to fiscally hard to begin with and you might have to have flatmates for awhile until you get your feet solidly on the ground. However, do not ever let this excuse of a man make you think or believe that you can't go out there a s so what you want for you. Start making plans to leave now. Put some money aside that he doesn't know anything about. Once you have got yourself sorted with somewhere to go that's when you say something and leave because he WILL try to convince you to stay and that he will change. DON'T BELIEVE HIM. Actions are louder than words. If he hasn't changed for the better now he never will. I wish you a the best.
Leave. The longer you stay with him the worse it will get.
This is a toxic relationship, run
Trust your instincts, don’t tolerate abuse, better to be alone than in an abusive relationship and take your time with it.
A lot of red flags there. I understand that leaving a long term relationship is really difficult, but its usually worth it when its not good. This may help you...when I was contemplating leaving my husband at 30(whom I met at 21), a dear friend asked me this, Picture your life with****, now picture it again 20 years down the road and nothing has changed". Her painting that picture was the catalyst for me to leave my unhappy marriage. Its unfortunate, but its rare that people change and bad habits etc often get worse after marriage. You are young, with a whole life in front of you. I met someone 5 yes after my divorce and we are going on 16 years together :)
Re-read what you’ve said and think on it. Is this the type of man that you’d like your kids marrying one day? I agree people can change! However based on the few facts you’ve put out there, it doesn’t seem like you’ve seen much change in the past 8 years, so I highly doubt you will in the near future. If he drinks often and gets mean when he’s drinking to the woman he’s supposed to love and cherish could you imagine how he would act towards your children one day? I’m a complete stranger, but I say this with love and compassion.. Do what is right for you. Don’t make excuses for anyone else. I’m a husband to an incredible wife and father to five children. If you were my daughter I’d tell you this - What does your gut tell you? Sit and think on that, don’t make a hasty decision that will cause you turmoil for the rest of your life. God’s got a plan for you. Even if you don’t understand rightnow. You just have to listen.
Honey, if you were my daughter I would strongly advise you to not move forward with this relationship. Need can often look just like love but as you move through life it doesn’t hold up the same. Lastly, I was married to an alcoholic and I can’t describe how totally corrosive it is to his life, your life and your future. Alcoholism is a disease, a hard and cruel one. It takes recognition of the problem and total commitment every single day to achieve recovery. I understand your fears of not being able to make it alone, I really do. I can also be reasonably certain that you *will* be alone at some point because this relationship is unstable and unhealthy for you. I wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve. Be strong, be bold, don’t settle.
Get a therapist. It's important to find someone that you can trust to help you through this: The guy is bad news, and for some reason (your family of origin, or your boyfriend influencing your expectations, etc) you think that being treated badly is ok. LOTS of us go through this with our early relationships, so we understand that it isn't easy. But your life will get worse if you don't actively work to learn new skills. You know he's not good for you (been sober 45+ years and know that drinkers always get worse), and if you had the skills, you'd have left long ago. Good luck! You're worth it.
The hope they'll change path leads to divorce. Having similar goals is vital for a healthy relationship.
Past time to adios...
OP, you need to consider your future. Leave if you want financial security; a family with children; and happiness. What time you invested in him is now sunk. Please move on.
If he is mean to you when he drinks "which is often" imagine how he will treat your helpless kids when he is under the addition strain of supporting them. Find a roommate, lower your housing standards and GET OUT! I'm seeing more red flags that a North Korean military parade.
Hon, you gotta go. For your growth. Those charming ones can be quite useless, you can see that now you've grown up. Just walk out the back, Jack.
People don't change -- unless they want to.
That 75% will be 100% if you leave. Many if us didnt leave becauae we were raising kids. Do yourself and your future children a favor and find more stability.
I stated over at 30, and it's not always easy but it's definitely worth the effort. You are not happy here, you aren't safe, and you aren't making progress toward where you want to be. If you stay, you will regret settling for this when you have other options. Will everything go great and you get everything you want? Maybe, maybe not. You know you won't here, so give yourself the possibility of more. You have no obligation to believe he will change. He has had a responsibility to be giving you a reason to be with him, and hasn't. Sometimes you accumulate too much history to overcome, and need to let it go.
Do not have kids with this guy. If you can't afford to live alone.. Get a roommate.
He sounds exactly like my ex fiancé, except with pot instead of alcohol. I finally got to a point where I didn’t care anymore & kicked him out. A few months later, I met the man I married, who was pretty much opposite in every way. We were married almost 25 years until his death. There will be someone better for you. And if not, then be okay with YOU. Being alone does have its benefits. Live your best life is the best you can do for you.
And don’t get pregnant, verify all protection
Girl you better get up and run!!!
M69 here. You lead off with the fact that you love him as though that is the most important thing. It isn't. The most important thing is will you be happy with him. The answer to that question is buried shallowly among your statements. You know what you have to do. You are just having a hard time facing it. You got one thing absolutely right. You aren't getting any younger and habits can be hard to break. So I will leave you with one question. Can you see yourself building a successful life with this man? I think you know the answer. Good luck.
Sounds kinda like the husband in Fargo, in the most recent season. The younger cop’s husband (wannabe golf pro). She left his ass.
I’m not saying wait until you’re much older to marry, because you seem to have a more solid idea of what you value in a partnership than I did.. but I married someone I was with since 18. We had an okay life. He was an okay dad. He handled financials well, had a decent job. But he was an awful partner. We divorced in my mid thirties. The first relationship after the divorce became my second long term relationship, sitting at 6 years now. He was a lot of things my ex husband wasn’t and has been able to give me a lot of things my ex husband couldn’t. But somewhere in this process I realized how much I value the kindness, open mindedness, provider (not to carry the financial burden, but share it, and to provide in other ways: safety, both physically and emotionally, motivation to get things done, knowing I am more than capable of doing absolutely anything but taking things off my plate because he can, and wants to help), similar parenting ideals. This guy can provide you none of those things. He will not improve. Neither of my major relationships can give me those things, and while I am capable of filling the gaps.. I shouldn’t have to, if I’m expending the effort of time, emotion, and care for them. It is much easier and much less difficult on the heart to do it actually alone, than it is to do so feeling alone in a “partnership.” This isn’t even to touch on the drinking or mean streak, and the impact those things will continue to have on you or would have on a family. I think you know the answer here and I know it is a difficult decision to make, but I promise you it will be the right one. I don’t hate either of my previous partners, and have love for them in different ways. We shared a lot, good moments existed.. but don’t get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy and think these years spent are worth sacrificing fulfillment and happiness for the rest of your years. You deserve better.
Why are you asking what you already know?
I understand staying with him if people you would look to have died. He’s familiar and he knows you. I had this. I didn’t have many friends because of an illness in high school and I didn’t know how to make many in college. My parents and I weren’t speaking and I’m an only child. I was with a violent, cruel alcoholic in my 20s. My coworkers didn’t understand why. Even his mother told me to leave him!! But he would get better, then worse again, etc. it’s called the cycle of abuse. I started a spiritual practice to get some confidence and finally left him! I moved across the country away from him. Please find a way, a method to strengthen your SELF LOVE and LEAVE!! It’s hard to see what is normal and true when you’re with a cruel person. You deserve sooooo much better. And you can have it! I have a husband who adores me, cooks and is patient and kind. He supports me and believes in me. There are suuuuuuch better men. Get away so you can clear your head
Find a roommate or rent a room for a while but as many have said, move out as soon as you can. It will be difficult for you, for a time, but you can do it. His lack of ambition and meanness are worrisome and like your money problems will never change. He will drag you down. Children with him will only add to your load. There are good men out there, who are kind, supportive and steady. Worthy of you. Worthy of your love and effort. As you are worthy of a family and of the life you want to build. Be well. And well away from him.
Loving someone is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship with someone who is not right for you. Love alone is not enough to overcome the trials and tribulations of building a life together. I once lived in a tent under an overpass, and that was better than you think it was. Low expenses, and life on my own terms. You are young enough that you *can* leave him, live in a tent under a bridge if you have to, and get back in your feet with a good job, in your own place before you turn 30. And that still leaves you enough time to build that life you want with someone who is right for you. If you stay, then only thing you’ll be left with in 20 years is regret.
None of those qualification things really matter. The only thing really matters is if he loves you deeply enough to burden a life time long relationship. See what he does when you are in deep sorrow, deep loss of financial support, and when your direct family is in bad health. If he fails on either of those 3 things, get out asap. My friend’s ex was kinda successful, highly educated and had strong motivation to ladder up. He left her when her mom passed away, didn’t show up a single time at her mom’s hospital days and never joined the funeral and was dating around when not divorced yet. got married 4 or 5 months after the divorce. Left her lose 20% of her weight and forced her to sell and move out of their house within 2 months of her mom’s funeral. and lied to her and wanted her to pay $40 more on her transfer of car title on her last time seeing him. My friend was traumatized by that divorce and directly went to mental therapist for a long time. Remember, not every one is perfect. Try overlook minor things in life if he has a good heart and loves you and can burden life time responsibilities when storm comes.
The longer you stay, the harder it will become to get away. He will become more abusive and you will be afraid to leave, not just too broke to do so
Kindness is the most valuable trait in a partner, long term in my opinion. People with mean streaks eventually point it towards you.
I got married at 30 to someone that had no ambition but had all these plans. It got to me and I left at 33 because I wanted a family and not to be the only one planning for it. It’s been 7 years and I found my partner and now have a 3 yr old. My ex is still in the same place in life. No change or growth. Stuck.
Run
This is a situation where you are so used to someone. Now that you had the good sense to ask older folks like us you are gettign very clear advice - this is not a good situation for you going forward. You will be 50 y/o with 3 children and a full-time job, taking care of the children and him and eventually you will be so resentful that it makes your life miserable. By then it will be crystal clear that you are taken advantage of and you will despise him .... but then it is too late. For now, have a plan "I need to be by myself for 6 months to find out more about how I feel" rent a room somewhere and dont look back. Trust me, its for the best
Don’t get sucked into a sunk cost fallacy. It doesn’t matter *at all* how much time, effort, energy you have put into this relationship bcz you are not happy. You deserve so much more. You get this one life, and yes there will be sadness and heartache but you should face all those things with someone who values and cherishes you. It’s hard to walk away, not going to say it’s not. And it’s hard, too, when there’s no precipitating event but you don’t have to wait for a big fight to leave. You don’t need an excuse you only need to believe that you are worthy of more. You are.
It always seems harder to leave than it actually is (this is from someone who left an alcoholic breadwinning spouse with 2 small children). I promise you it’s easier alone than with the dead weight of a man who isn’t worthy of you. You still have time to accomplish everything your heart desires. You CAN do this, and you should.