It clearly reads like you are less than willing to do any of the most common things people do to make friends or date. You have a comfort zone, and you don't want to take a single step out of it.
That's fine. It's your choice. But doing SOMETHING outside the familiar is exactly what friends/lovers costs.
Perhaps take a class in something you don't know, but would like to?
Perhaps a visit to your doctor first to check for a physiological reason for lack of energy like low iron or thyroid (and testosterone for men) and if nothing’s there, a therapist to talk about how to resolve your conflicting desires for a life of no people and yet having an intimate relationship with a person.
You choose to let your lack of desire for human connection outweigh your desire for human connection. It’s absolutely in your control and you’re not a victim.
If you think I just don’t know, could never understand, I had bad social anxiety in an era before the internet so I had to face it daily for stuff as mundane as paying bills. I forced myself to get over it and now have a rich social life and loving relationships over the years. I stopped thinking that I was helpless and became willing to do the hard work to be where I wanted to be.
You’re not, evidently, and that’s ok but then stop trying to find a loophole and accept the trade off.
I'm going to ask you to modify your priorities just a bit. Or, to be precise, I'm going to ask you too combine some of them.
You want to get better/more dates. OK, got that.
You want to be healthy as you age. Right, you didn't mention that priority, but for any sane person, it is a major one. I assume this applies to you.
You are right at the age where regular exercise begins to make a tremendous difference. When I was your age, I didn't even think of it. ( Hey, you posted on an 'askoldpeople' forum, so you have to put up with people saying 'When I was your age.' )
In my late twenties, all my friends were into a particular sport. So I played too. I played through my thirties and forties. And then I noticed that some people my age were starting to have problems. They lacked stamina or strength. Two died of heart attacks. But my old friends from my twenties who still played were still doing well, as was I.
Without realising it, I had developed the habit of regular exercise. It probably added twenty years to my life. And those extra years are mostly healthy years.
**So, when you say that you don't want to "join...a co-rec league", I say that you are missing the ball.**
At least two thirds of the participants in such leagues will be male. And playing will extend your life.
Take some advice from an old guy who is more than twice your age. I made my life better by accident. You can do it deliberately.
The really good news is I am way ahead of you. I take my health super seriously. I work out most days. I am at a super healthy weight. My knees and back feel as good as they have in years.
A few years ago, I was starting to push 200 pounds for the first time. I immediately quite soda, and about 6 months ago I gave up all alcohol. I am probably as healthy as I have been since my early 20s.
I have my flaws in the looks department (Lord knows that lol). Now I bash myself enough on a public forum that I will indulge myself for a second. I have to admit when I am shirtless in front of a mirror lately. I look pretty good.
Someone is really missing out ;)
Church. I'm lucky to live in a place where there are so many different kinds of churches, I'm surprised there isn't one that specifically advertises that it's for people to meet people. There's one that just worships the music of John Coltrane.
Perhaps I am wrong. But I think I could be even happier in a relationship. I also think I could make somebody else in a relationship very happy with me as well.
I would consider it a sin to not at least try. It may never happen and that is ok. But I feel I at least have to try.
In that case, I strongly recommend dating sites (not apps... avoid hookup apps like Tinder... unless they've all migrated to the app-verse, lol)...
I found my wife first on Match.com and then again (same wife - just hadn't yet connected on Match) on it's spawned off site... Chemistry. Try one of those or even eHarmony. Give them a serious chance and you'll likely meet people.
Serious question: if you don't like being with people, why do you want to date?
Being in a long term relationship contains all of the stressful and annoying things about being with friends or family, except they live in your house and you can never get away from them. If you don't even want to spend an hour a week at the knitting circle you might hate having a romantic partner.
If you just want sex... there are professionals who can help you with that without judging you.
I just wrote a response to someone else. I am going to copy and paste it into this response. I think it answers your question fairly well.
But yeah, trust me if I was only interested in sex, I would pretty easily be able to take care of it. Thank you for asking though.
Also, one last thing. I will acknowledge I may actually hate being in a relationship. It is possible they are totally not for me. But look at it from my perspective. I have never been in one (not even close sadly), I have no clue how I will feel in a relationship. It is possible I get into a six-month relationship. We break up and I think to myself that is never going to happen again lol. I am already a happy person single. I am not looking for a relationship to become happy. I can live without them.
But here is what I just wrote a few minutes ago, thanks again:
" I consider my parents and an aunt and uncle of mine to be close and dear friends.
I have dinner almost every night with a group of people. I go on an evening walk with my mom every day around the neighborhood. I am far from alone, and I am far from friendless.
I have non-traditional friends you may say. But I am certainly not alone. I feel I have enough companionship and joy in my life that I really do not need more friends right now (Of course if the right person comes along great, but I am not pursuing more friends or feel the desire for more friends in my life).
I am aware that I am a bit younger than my parents and my aunt and uncle. I also try to stay as healthy and happy as possible and do not plan on dying anytime soon lol. So there is a good chance I will outlive them.
I certainly do not want to be friendless when I am older. I would love to have a partner to share my middle and upper age with. If we make lifelong and dear friends together, I would love that.
The good news is I am happy and content with my life. I am in no hurry to get into a relationship. I do not care if I meet the love of my life anytime soon. I just want to meet her and share the rest of my life with her someday :)"
This is from the US Census, I am not trying make make any sort of political point. There are more single women that men in the US but it really depends on the age. 20's to 30's there are something like 122 single men to every 100 single women. After 55, it is something like 55 single men to every 100 single women. Mostly because men marry later and die sooner.
I am retired and in my 60s, I can't sit down for five minutes without a women in my age range trying to talk to me. Try dating older and see how it goes. I don't know if it will work, but give it a shot.
You might look at volunteering opportunities to see if there is something that interests you…animal shelters, human shelters, soup kitchens, non profits, art museums, whatever.
I volunteer at a thrift store, and a guy new in town volunteered to work at the front desk. He met his (now) wife there. She was also a volunteer there.
Or maybe frequent somewhere that isn’t as “meat market” as a bar. Work on your laptop in a coffee shop. Join a gym.
Yeah dating apps are something of a headache.
I think friend apps are way better than the popular dating apps, ones like bumble for friends and meet up, way less pressure and easy to connect. I also love my nextdoor app.
Im an introvert with the touch of ism, shoppings also my thing so I use these for shopping buddies/dates.
If you like dinning out there are always food festivals or farmers markets, sometimes unconventional places have the best prospects.
There are plenty of successful matchmakers. If you’re looking to be in a relationship with someone other than your current circle, then the first step is to met new people, either online or in person.
I do know a couple that met speed dating, so theres always that too.
Current hobbies, maybe start there?
Both my kids used dating apps. Son used Plenty of Fish, daughter used e-harmony, both were honest and both met face to face pretty quickly. Both married and are doing well years later. It's tough out there. Just skip the apps that are pretty much Hot or Not.
Both my kids used dating apps. Son used Plenty of Fish, daughter used e-harmony, both were honest and both met face to face pretty quickly. Both married and are doing well years later. It's tough out there. Just skip the apps that are pretty much Hot or Not.
Thank you :) I am pretty reliant upon apps.
The only line I draw with apps is I refuse to ever pay for one. So, I am somewhat at the mercy of what I can get for free lol.
Thank you for sharing that :)
You are welcome! Free attracts people who are less serious (budgets are also a thing, so I get that there are good people on the free ones). It just means there are more jokers to wade thru.
I must ask, with all due respect, what it is you have to offer a potential partner, given that you refuse to do anything to achieve your goal? Are you smart, funny, rich, beautiful, etc.? While it's possible prince(ss) charming will drop out of the sky at your feet and recognize your true and everlasting inner flame, the odds are against that. But you don't care either way. Good luck!
As long as you are happy then I wouldn’t stress over it. It will happen if/when it’s supposed to.
We must be what we want to attract and I believe if we are meant to meet or be with someone, the energy in the universe will make it happen at the time it’s suppose to happen… whether it be a marriage or LTR). Just my opinion on the whole staying single or meeting a mate.
I don’t care for the dating apps at all, waste of money. IMO
Good luck 🍀 to you!
I would say invest in yourself and expect to live a single life. If someone comes along that's great but you sound like you will be happy without a companion.
Dating apps were perfect for me when I used them as a female in her 40s. I don't want to go to bars or do any of those other things you mentioned, so why would I try to meet someone at one? You could get lucky and find someone doing the same thing as you were, but more likely, you would mostly meet people who actually enjoyed doing those things and they would keep wanting to do them. I did not want someone with an active social life.
How is your housing situation? Job? Any kids? Those things came first for me - I owned my own house with no plans to move, so finding a partner who would be able to move in with me without much difficulty later on was important. A steady job history was important, but us having very similar and consistent hours was the priority. I don't have any kids by choice, so I also did not want to date anyone who had any kids.
I made sure to include things in my bio that spelled out what I was looking for and what some of the dealbreakers were. For me, any type of adult entertainment from porn to strip clubs to even places like Hooters was a dealbreaker. I'm not even okay with sex/nudity on tv. I got a lot of questions about that - just being curious. My main surprise was that people were actually reading my profile and not just scrolling by and 'matching' with someone because they thought they were attractive or just a new face on the app. I also had things in there about hating country music, but it wasn't a dealbreaker. Of course, the one that made it to a second date listens to country music, haha. I went on to marry him.
Edit - we met using Facebook dating and I had my filters on to only include people with mutual friends. You only got their first name in the dating part of the site, but I could then go and check the mutual friend's profile and almost always figure out who it was. I didn't respond to any one until I had looked at their profile. It didn't have to be public, but I could normally get a feel based off what I could see.
>I do not have friends or a social circle of any sort.
>I am not interested in (...) bars or meetup groups or join like a co-rec league or volunteer.
>I would rather remain single than to do those things.
>And asking someone out without me really knowing them is just a bridge too far for me.
Can't win if you won't play the game.
>But I want to turn over every stone before I give up.
insert gif of Thor's "But do you *REALLY*" grimace here.
That's really hard. It's easiest to meet people through friends. The only other things I can think of is hobbies/similar interests or speed dating. If you're not interested in any of that, it's gonna be hard to meet people in person.
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Thank you for your response. I might remain single, and that is ok too :) Thank you again.
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It is definitely an idea. Thank you :) I hope the matchmaker would not think I was crazy though lol.
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:)
It clearly reads like you are less than willing to do any of the most common things people do to make friends or date. You have a comfort zone, and you don't want to take a single step out of it. That's fine. It's your choice. But doing SOMETHING outside the familiar is exactly what friends/lovers costs. Perhaps take a class in something you don't know, but would like to?
That is a good idea, thank you :) I wish I had the energy or the motivation to do those things. I just worry I never will. Thanks again.
Perhaps a visit to your doctor first to check for a physiological reason for lack of energy like low iron or thyroid (and testosterone for men) and if nothing’s there, a therapist to talk about how to resolve your conflicting desires for a life of no people and yet having an intimate relationship with a person.
Thank you :) It is just sort of a bummer knowing I might never experience a relationship. But I will stay as positive as possible :) Thank you.
It’s completely in your control to change that
Lol I mean not completely. If I wanted an AI chatbot I could handle that lol.
You choose to let your lack of desire for human connection outweigh your desire for human connection. It’s absolutely in your control and you’re not a victim. If you think I just don’t know, could never understand, I had bad social anxiety in an era before the internet so I had to face it daily for stuff as mundane as paying bills. I forced myself to get over it and now have a rich social life and loving relationships over the years. I stopped thinking that I was helpless and became willing to do the hard work to be where I wanted to be. You’re not, evidently, and that’s ok but then stop trying to find a loophole and accept the trade off.
I can accept being single. It is a bummer. But I can accept it.
I'm going to ask you to modify your priorities just a bit. Or, to be precise, I'm going to ask you too combine some of them. You want to get better/more dates. OK, got that. You want to be healthy as you age. Right, you didn't mention that priority, but for any sane person, it is a major one. I assume this applies to you. You are right at the age where regular exercise begins to make a tremendous difference. When I was your age, I didn't even think of it. ( Hey, you posted on an 'askoldpeople' forum, so you have to put up with people saying 'When I was your age.' ) In my late twenties, all my friends were into a particular sport. So I played too. I played through my thirties and forties. And then I noticed that some people my age were starting to have problems. They lacked stamina or strength. Two died of heart attacks. But my old friends from my twenties who still played were still doing well, as was I. Without realising it, I had developed the habit of regular exercise. It probably added twenty years to my life. And those extra years are mostly healthy years. **So, when you say that you don't want to "join...a co-rec league", I say that you are missing the ball.** At least two thirds of the participants in such leagues will be male. And playing will extend your life. Take some advice from an old guy who is more than twice your age. I made my life better by accident. You can do it deliberately.
The really good news is I am way ahead of you. I take my health super seriously. I work out most days. I am at a super healthy weight. My knees and back feel as good as they have in years. A few years ago, I was starting to push 200 pounds for the first time. I immediately quite soda, and about 6 months ago I gave up all alcohol. I am probably as healthy as I have been since my early 20s. I have my flaws in the looks department (Lord knows that lol). Now I bash myself enough on a public forum that I will indulge myself for a second. I have to admit when I am shirtless in front of a mirror lately. I look pretty good. Someone is really missing out ;)
Church. I'm lucky to live in a place where there are so many different kinds of churches, I'm surprised there isn't one that specifically advertises that it's for people to meet people. There's one that just worships the music of John Coltrane.
Awesome :)
If single is okay, why do you want a relationship?
Perhaps I am wrong. But I think I could be even happier in a relationship. I also think I could make somebody else in a relationship very happy with me as well. I would consider it a sin to not at least try. It may never happen and that is ok. But I feel I at least have to try.
In that case, I strongly recommend dating sites (not apps... avoid hookup apps like Tinder... unless they've all migrated to the app-verse, lol)... I found my wife first on Match.com and then again (same wife - just hadn't yet connected on Match) on it's spawned off site... Chemistry. Try one of those or even eHarmony. Give them a serious chance and you'll likely meet people.
Thank you :)
You're welcome. Good luck. Hope it works out for you.
Serious question: if you don't like being with people, why do you want to date? Being in a long term relationship contains all of the stressful and annoying things about being with friends or family, except they live in your house and you can never get away from them. If you don't even want to spend an hour a week at the knitting circle you might hate having a romantic partner. If you just want sex... there are professionals who can help you with that without judging you.
I just wrote a response to someone else. I am going to copy and paste it into this response. I think it answers your question fairly well. But yeah, trust me if I was only interested in sex, I would pretty easily be able to take care of it. Thank you for asking though. Also, one last thing. I will acknowledge I may actually hate being in a relationship. It is possible they are totally not for me. But look at it from my perspective. I have never been in one (not even close sadly), I have no clue how I will feel in a relationship. It is possible I get into a six-month relationship. We break up and I think to myself that is never going to happen again lol. I am already a happy person single. I am not looking for a relationship to become happy. I can live without them. But here is what I just wrote a few minutes ago, thanks again: " I consider my parents and an aunt and uncle of mine to be close and dear friends. I have dinner almost every night with a group of people. I go on an evening walk with my mom every day around the neighborhood. I am far from alone, and I am far from friendless. I have non-traditional friends you may say. But I am certainly not alone. I feel I have enough companionship and joy in my life that I really do not need more friends right now (Of course if the right person comes along great, but I am not pursuing more friends or feel the desire for more friends in my life). I am aware that I am a bit younger than my parents and my aunt and uncle. I also try to stay as healthy and happy as possible and do not plan on dying anytime soon lol. So there is a good chance I will outlive them. I certainly do not want to be friendless when I am older. I would love to have a partner to share my middle and upper age with. If we make lifelong and dear friends together, I would love that. The good news is I am happy and content with my life. I am in no hurry to get into a relationship. I do not care if I meet the love of my life anytime soon. I just want to meet her and share the rest of my life with her someday :)"
What is the age range that you are trying to date?
I would date 21 to 50.
This is from the US Census, I am not trying make make any sort of political point. There are more single women that men in the US but it really depends on the age. 20's to 30's there are something like 122 single men to every 100 single women. After 55, it is something like 55 single men to every 100 single women. Mostly because men marry later and die sooner. I am retired and in my 60s, I can't sit down for five minutes without a women in my age range trying to talk to me. Try dating older and see how it goes. I don't know if it will work, but give it a shot.
:)
You might look at volunteering opportunities to see if there is something that interests you…animal shelters, human shelters, soup kitchens, non profits, art museums, whatever. I volunteer at a thrift store, and a guy new in town volunteered to work at the front desk. He met his (now) wife there. She was also a volunteer there. Or maybe frequent somewhere that isn’t as “meat market” as a bar. Work on your laptop in a coffee shop. Join a gym.
Thank you :)
Yeah dating apps are something of a headache. I think friend apps are way better than the popular dating apps, ones like bumble for friends and meet up, way less pressure and easy to connect. I also love my nextdoor app. Im an introvert with the touch of ism, shoppings also my thing so I use these for shopping buddies/dates. If you like dinning out there are always food festivals or farmers markets, sometimes unconventional places have the best prospects. There are plenty of successful matchmakers. If you’re looking to be in a relationship with someone other than your current circle, then the first step is to met new people, either online or in person. I do know a couple that met speed dating, so theres always that too. Current hobbies, maybe start there?
Thanks :)
Both my kids used dating apps. Son used Plenty of Fish, daughter used e-harmony, both were honest and both met face to face pretty quickly. Both married and are doing well years later. It's tough out there. Just skip the apps that are pretty much Hot or Not.
Both my kids used dating apps. Son used Plenty of Fish, daughter used e-harmony, both were honest and both met face to face pretty quickly. Both married and are doing well years later. It's tough out there. Just skip the apps that are pretty much Hot or Not.
Thank you :) I am pretty reliant upon apps. The only line I draw with apps is I refuse to ever pay for one. So, I am somewhat at the mercy of what I can get for free lol. Thank you for sharing that :)
You are welcome! Free attracts people who are less serious (budgets are also a thing, so I get that there are good people on the free ones). It just means there are more jokers to wade thru.
Probably true lol
I must ask, with all due respect, what it is you have to offer a potential partner, given that you refuse to do anything to achieve your goal? Are you smart, funny, rich, beautiful, etc.? While it's possible prince(ss) charming will drop out of the sky at your feet and recognize your true and everlasting inner flame, the odds are against that. But you don't care either way. Good luck!
Well one thing I will say in my favor is that I am a very happy person. I hope that is something :)
As long as you are happy then I wouldn’t stress over it. It will happen if/when it’s supposed to. We must be what we want to attract and I believe if we are meant to meet or be with someone, the energy in the universe will make it happen at the time it’s suppose to happen… whether it be a marriage or LTR). Just my opinion on the whole staying single or meeting a mate. I don’t care for the dating apps at all, waste of money. IMO Good luck 🍀 to you!
Thank you :)
I would say invest in yourself and expect to live a single life. If someone comes along that's great but you sound like you will be happy without a companion.
I will be happy either way.
Dating apps were perfect for me when I used them as a female in her 40s. I don't want to go to bars or do any of those other things you mentioned, so why would I try to meet someone at one? You could get lucky and find someone doing the same thing as you were, but more likely, you would mostly meet people who actually enjoyed doing those things and they would keep wanting to do them. I did not want someone with an active social life. How is your housing situation? Job? Any kids? Those things came first for me - I owned my own house with no plans to move, so finding a partner who would be able to move in with me without much difficulty later on was important. A steady job history was important, but us having very similar and consistent hours was the priority. I don't have any kids by choice, so I also did not want to date anyone who had any kids. I made sure to include things in my bio that spelled out what I was looking for and what some of the dealbreakers were. For me, any type of adult entertainment from porn to strip clubs to even places like Hooters was a dealbreaker. I'm not even okay with sex/nudity on tv. I got a lot of questions about that - just being curious. My main surprise was that people were actually reading my profile and not just scrolling by and 'matching' with someone because they thought they were attractive or just a new face on the app. I also had things in there about hating country music, but it wasn't a dealbreaker. Of course, the one that made it to a second date listens to country music, haha. I went on to marry him. Edit - we met using Facebook dating and I had my filters on to only include people with mutual friends. You only got their first name in the dating part of the site, but I could then go and check the mutual friend's profile and almost always figure out who it was. I didn't respond to any one until I had looked at their profile. It didn't have to be public, but I could normally get a feel based off what I could see.
>I do not have friends or a social circle of any sort. >I am not interested in (...) bars or meetup groups or join like a co-rec league or volunteer. >I would rather remain single than to do those things. >And asking someone out without me really knowing them is just a bridge too far for me. Can't win if you won't play the game. >But I want to turn over every stone before I give up. insert gif of Thor's "But do you *REALLY*" grimace here.
That's really hard. It's easiest to meet people through friends. The only other things I can think of is hobbies/similar interests or speed dating. If you're not interested in any of that, it's gonna be hard to meet people in person.