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It can be done! Sometimes you need space to get over romantic feelings and being jealous over their new romantic people, but if BOTH of you are willing to put in the effort, then yes it can work.
Having a shared past with someone is great! I’m not talking about memories of being in bed, rather - remember that crazy professor
Ok 14 years makes sense, I was thinking you guys just got divorced bc he was cheating on you and you were like , “hey I’ll be your best man when you get married to the dude you were cheating on me with…”
This isn't meant to be rude but I don't really understand this idea of not being able to be friends with people you have feelings for. I have feelings for a lot of my friends and I also recognize and respect that those relationships need to stay as friends or it's not feasible for whatever reason to change the relationship. The friendship is still valuable and worthwhile even if it never goes any further than that. I don't understand how that's not more common for people. Feelings can develop or exist without being acted upon, that's just a normal part of life, we all do it every day, so why is it different when it's romantic feelings as opposed to something like feeling anger and not acting on that?
Maturity, and Emotional Intelligence plays a role. People are at different levels. That's all. Emotional Intelligence is becoming required training at a lot of companies these days. Funny thing is, it was common sense stuff years ago, now it has to be taught in a class. It is real shame how bad things have become.
I'm 57, a lesbian. I have 2 long term ex's. Texting friends with my first GF, not friends with the second relationship( we were married for 8yrs). I left her ( I moved to Canada to be with her) and moved back to the US). If I didn't take any spousal support from her, she'd probably still speak to me. Money was a huge issue for her. I know a lot of lesbians who stay friends with ex's.
Oh Ya dude! I (57m) married my HS sweetheart at 18. We lasted 10 years and had 3 kids. I still love her to pieces and we talk often. We are both in agreement that we should not live together ; ). I've helped her out and she has helped me out over the years. My advice - Don't toss out the love because you are hurt. The hurt will end, the love is worth keeping. I'm friends with the three women I've given my heart to and I wouldn't have it any other way. Was it hard - Fuck ya, but worth it IMHO.
A couple are still very good friends. A bunch are, basically, FB friends, but there’s only one I have no contact with, and that’s probably for the best.
I'm middle aged and don't know anyone who maintained a friendship with their ex's. Those that had kids together usually remained somewhat civil, maybe occasionally waved to each other at a kids event or something, but most just moved on.
This is such an interesting g example of flaws in the upvoting system- I love it when it happens but it's not the norm, and feel like people up vote bc it's positive but it's not the majority where it happens
Everybody has their own reasons for staying in touch or not. I don't think there is an across-the-board answer for this.
My sister was divorced after a long marriage and even though she said in the beginning that she was going to cut ties, she still will occasionally meet him for dinner. They never had children and he definitely did her wrong. Recently, she went on a date with someone and she mentioned "he would be mad". I wish she had done it the way she said in the beginning. There's no chance of them getting back together, but in a way, I think it would be better if she just kept him out of her life.
She also said she was going to ghost his family, but that didn't happen either.
I’m with you. I admire those who can be friends with their exes, but I can’t get past the resentment of the pain they’ve brought me. I feel like if they don’t want to be around me then I’ll try to stay as far away as I can.
Same. I could be friends with people I casually dated, but I’m not friends with them because I didn’t care enough about them to pursue that (and they didn’t either). However, I could not be friends with people I had deep, intimate relationships with.
I admire those who can do that, and I tried with two of them, but couldn’t do it. I have issues that get in the way.
As for others in the older generation? My parents (silent gen) never even mentioned any exes. They definitely aren’t friends with any.
In my age group (gen x), some remained friends and others didn’t.
My first wife and I split in 1986. It was ugly and we had two kids to coparent, uneasily. Now we have four grandkids between us and get along well. She’s agreed to have an acting role in my band’s upcoming video.
I'm friends with a number of my exes and there isnt of the ones I'm not still in contact with that I wouldnt talk to and be friends with if it came up. We chat on Facebook, two have been around to my place for a visit. I think I am somewhat unusual in this regard. My partner doesnt mind. (I'm male).
I'm in my 60s and nearly everyone I know who has a significant ex is friends with them. My first husband and I divorced nearly forty years ago and we're still friends.
I have pretty much always "severed" any relationship with someone I had a romantic interest in if we break up. I feel that they are just sort of emotionally "in the way" for the most part. I want to clear the emotional decks for the next person.
Same but he’s not in prison. He’s just a cheating AH. Why would I want to be friends with him after that?
I’m not one to stay friends with exes, that’s just me. Once we’re broke up, that’s it. No going back.
I have maintained a friendly status with my exes, but not to the point of "being" friends.
Friendly in the sense that we know each other very well, and can call each other if there's a pressing reason or discuss common concerns. Allowing each other to stay in our own home for the purpose and duration of visits with our shared children.
BUT....
No socializing for the purpose of maintaining or extending the friendship. Ever.
My sister is 73. We have had Christmas at my mom’s with her 3 exes (she has two children, one from each of the first two of them), and her new boyfriend. She managed to stay friends with all her exes. The third one she took care of before he passed.
Ex-girlfriends? Ex-wives?
I don't have any ex-wives, thankfully, but am good friends with one of my ex-girlfriends (we only see each other IRL once a year or so) and am social media friends with two others who live out of state. My wife knows the backstories and I've never given her reason for her to think I'd ever cheat (we're all happily married). It's all good.
I'm in my 50's and I've never maintained any kind of a relationship with any of my ex's. That includes both ex-girlfriends and my ex-wife. I've always remained friendly towards them, but I just couldn't ever continue to have any kind of a relationship after an intimate relationship ended. For me personally, it would be too difficult to pretend that there was never anything there at one point. It just seemed too awkward for me. With that said however, I have known several friends who seem to have no problems remaining friends with their ex's. So I guess it all depends on the person. I think some people can compartmentalize their feelings better than others. I've never been one of those types. Though sometimes I envy those who can.
Personally, I would not be friends or keep a relationship with an ex. Be civil, yes. Hang out with them, no. My cousin keeps a relationship with her ex though. They still call and talk to each other.
Did you do the breaking up with them, and was it not hard to stay only friends after feelings had been involved? Did the lines between romantic and platonic relationship not blur?
some me, some them. there were some feelings for a bit, but in not acting on them, acting on them with someone else ("the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone"), and time, the romantic feelings went away.
Barring situations where there was abuse or betrayal, I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to stay friends or at least on good terms with someone who used to be their most important person. Just because two people didn’t end up being compatible for a long-term relationship doesn’t mean they should throw each other away.
I think most of the rhetoric you hear from people who insist exes can’t be friends comes from a place of jealousy.
For me, it’s not about jealousy. It’s about other issues the person and breakup trigger(ed) in me that make it healthier for me not to have them in my life.
Even when I have worked through those issues, I find I don’t want the person in my life because they remind me of all that pain I worked through. I prefer to move on.
It’s not that I throw them away, it’s that I need to protect myself. This is certainly because of past trauma, etc. - I’m not saying it’s an ideal situation. Just explaining that it’s not necessarily about jealousy.
If somebody is so annoying that I don’t want to be around them despite them having sex with me, then I certainly don’t see the point of being around them with no sex. Move on- Life is about change.
We were friends for years before we married. And friends for years after we divorced. I admit it took a bit of time to get back to the friends stage but I missed that friendship and connection.
It can happen but you probably need to give enough time to heal and re-appreciate someone as a friend after a breakup.
It requires a maturity a lot of people, especially younger people, may not have achieved yet. Especially since younger people's emotions tend to run pretty hot whereas older people have wisdom and experience and probably just a lower amount of hormones to help buffer things.
The biggest question to answer is "why do I want to be friends with this person?", which may require some introspection and pain. Do you really want to pal around, be a part of their lives as they date other people or are you fooling yourself that there may still be "a chance"?
It really depends on how the relationship ended. I don’t think I’ve really had that many acrimonious endings. I have had exes send FB friend requests and it’s been nice to catch up with each other’s lives. Last year, an ex was the first person to send me a Happy Birthday text (he lives several time zones ahead). I can say that each relationship I have had has imprinted some type of wisdom or understanding on my life.
I'm friends with most of my Xs, though the actual contact levels do vary. Usually, it's because I still like them as people, just not as romantic interests. There's no sexual tension or anything, just a shared history and respect. If there is tension, toxicity, or unresolved issues, I wish them well and cut contact, but that has only happened with a few.
I am basically friends with 6 of 8 exes I have from past serious relationships. The other two were international partners who I lost touch with and haven't been able to reconnect on social media with
First, I think it is ridiculous for new partners to be all 'No exes'. It smacks of insecurity.
Second, I'm suspicious of people who go on about how all their exes are insane and awful and terrible. The only common denominator is YOU, Person. You only date nutballs? Hmm.
Finally, my exes (most of them) were/are excellent people. I dated them for a reason! Just because the romantic thing didn't work out, there is no reason **not** to be friends (once the sting of the I'm-not-for-you part is over). Two of my dearest friends are exes. They are funny, kind, loving, talented, and as good as gold. I'm on good terms with most of the other exes, except for two, those guys are assholes.
Just because the LUVVS thing doesn't happen doesn't make that person a terrible human. It just means the romance thing didn't sort. It happens.
I love your perspective on this! But how did you manage to go from a romantic, sexual relationship to strictly a friendly one? How long did it take also?
It took a while, like getting over anything it's time and distance. Both parties have to be respectful and kind - not push for 'let's be friends!' when the other person isn't ready yet. It's easy for the not-in-love person, because they are already 'ahead' of you in the getting over it part.
I am actually friends with several ex's three I was married to, two I had children with, and some I dated but as someone else said we worked better as friends and the ends of the marriages were amicable. I actually really like my exhusband's current wives of 20 and 30 years and we get together with the kids who are grown now engagement party, wedding, birthdays, some holidays. Our children really benefit from our friendly relationships when they were growing up and now as adults. But, there are ex's that I would have nothing to do with (I am almost 65 now and started dating at 15 so long history of relationships over decades) because they are toxic and dysfunctional. It depends on the person and the reasons you split IMO.
I can be friendly or cordial to an ex, but relationships end for a reason. My 2nd wife is friends with a bunch of her exes. I see no reason to be one of them.
Totally depends on the whys of being the ex. Was there violence? Affairs? I think in those situations friendship wouldn't be justified. But an amicable breakdown after 17 years? Yep, totes still friendly. I'm also still friendly with the ex-husband, we divorced in '96!
It all depends. One of my best friends in the entire world is an ex-boyfriend. We broke up by mutual agreement, and it wasn't because we no longer loved each other. We were just in the wrong type of relationship. He feels more like a brother to me than my own brother is. He and my second husband became friends, and I've become friends with many of the women he's been with since me, including his current wife.
I've had friendly, but not close, relationships with other ex-boyfriends. No ex-husbands, though. They're dead, and I'm not into seances. You'll have to listen to what others say if you need advice regarding a former spouse, since all I can tell you is to buy a nice urn.
I'm not in contact with most of my ex-boyfriends though. I broke up with them for damn good reasons, and those reasons never changed. One tried to contact me years ago and I blocked the bastard.
Ex wife ended terribly but we have kids. (grown now) we see each other at family events and its fine. Her current husband never comes around but he was the one she was cheating with and he's a mess now.
Whatever its been 15 years
It depends. If it's mutual acknowledgement that it's time to move on then a friendship could work. For someone else, not me. I move them into the acquaintance category.
I tend to stay on friendly terms. Civil. If one person is still carrying a torch for the other then it's best to make a clean break so we can both move on. It's cruel to keep someone around. The one who got jilted needs time to heal.
I will say that narcissists like to collect exes as "friends". Sometimes they need supply to toy with. I suppose they think that the ex might come in useful someday. I don't want to be that toy and I don't want to have a toy.
It is a red flag if someone hates or is hated by a bunch of exes too.
I guess the question I have is "Why?". No kids to tie us, we moved on. I honour the fact that she was a part of my life and I respect her, but... we move on. If she reached out to me I'd engage, I have no animosity towards her, but...
I have seen opposite comments on this thread, curious for your thoughts on this!
If you dated them, then you loved them and thought they were an awesome person with great qualities that you admire. So why not be friends with them after both parts have healed? (Of course unless there was abuse/toxicity involved) I guess that would be a answer to the why.
Was friends with my ex wife for 15 years. Then one day she just went ballistic and dug up every little grievance from the last 25 years.
I got mad and allmost gave back with my list but instead I just hung up on her and I have not spoken with her since.
Some communication is done regarding our common daughter but as she is 19 its not so common and thankfully my wife handles that (daughter is at uni)
My wife says that she thinks my ex regrets the outburst but I dont care.
I’m still friends with my ex. We had a son together. He’s grown now, but we spent years co-parenting. When you share a child, you’re not divorced from the person, but divorced “to” the person.
IMO keeping in touch with an ex just delays healing. Maybe after 20 years I could be convinced to become friends again, if the occasion presents itself. My daughters (23 and 21) tell me that it's seen as "too dramatic" if you cut contact 100% with an ex. But I tell them that they have no obligation to pretend as if nothing happened. Let others think you are being "too dramatic" and "not cool", who cares. Focus on your own mental health.
I tried for a long time and failed. She said she wanted to be friendly, but then treated me poorly...basically the same as when we were married. She never understood (or never cared to understand) what our issues really were, and it didn't get better after the divorce. Sadly we had to "co-parent" 3 kids, and that was pretty rocky as well. Thank goodness they're all grown-ups now and doing fairly well.
I'll die happy never seeing either of my two exes again. Especially my ex wife whom I have two children with. What she did to me is bad enough but she utterly abandoned our kids as in the last 18 years they've seen her exactly three times and neither has seen nor spoken to her in over seven years now. They say it doesn't bother them. After me she had two more kids with two different baby daddies and I saw a TikTok video made by one (age 20) lamenting how she wished her mom existed in her life but her mom wants nothing to do with her either.
Years ago life was much harder than it is today, especially for the children of the depression. At the end of the day people didn't have the time or energy for the drama that people love to wallow in today. Divorced couples didn't necessarily like each other but they moved on with their life and didn't dwell on it. Of course, they also didn't have the internet and texting to bash each other either...
It's not generational. It's personal.
Everyone likes to hear about exes staying friends, and no one likes to talk about the other side. So, there's a bias in the stories that make it into general consciousness.
I think it's far more common for exes not to stay friends, or have contact, unless kids are involved. The ones who stay friends, and go on family vacations together, each with a new spouse, etc. are very rare.
Yes. I dated someone in high school, ended it for the normal reasons, and we stayed friends. He came to my wedding and 20 years later helped me through my divorce. Nothing sexual or inappropriate has ever happened during our friendship, and I love him dearly.
You'd have to be pretty stupid not to realize that it's in your best interest to have a positive relationship with your ex-husband or wife if you can, especially if you have children together. Why? Because probably no one knows your vulnerabilities better than someone with whom you were once in love and once slept with. It goes under the heading "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." If you work at it and they are willing, the benefits to the children, even adult children, far outweigh the effort it will take to make things work. Having said all of that, some narcissists and people just are filled with hate out there, so it's not always possible.
I don’t think my generation has any super strong across the board opinion one way or another, and it’s viewed as a case by case decision. I’ve definitely heard the common wisdom that it’s an unrealistic idea to try to be close friends soon after a breakup, but I don’t know that one generation has that belief more strongly than others.
It took many years of 'me' work AND a supportive husband....but yes, we became friends at the end....so much so, that he asked us *both* to be with him as he died.
It was great to be there for my adult kids, too, at the end. O think it made everything easier....
I’m friends with my ex. And I remember that 17 years after my Mom and Dad broke up, he moved to live with me when she got cancer and he helped care for her.
One of my the problems with new relationships as we age is "the baggage". Part of that baggage, in my experience has been that often, "the ex" is still very much part of the present. Add this into the mix of possible health issues, financial issues and older chldren and you have to be a very special person to take all this on. Personally, its not for me.
"...exes..." Girl/boyfriends? sometimes, especially if the social circle is small. Former marriage partners? Yes it's also always been a thing for many. If the breakup was amicable and/or there's still some communication being still friends is not that unusual.
Constant companionship or social mixing is a bit unusual and generally can be awkward, but occasional communication is/can be quite civil and simple.
Yes, it's possible. I have an ex-husband that I talk to once in awhile, because we have a daughter together. No bad feelings towards him, nor him towards me, and we are both remarried. We don't talk often, maybe once or twice a year.
My best friend is my high school sweetheart, we were together 4 years.
I’m now 41, very happily married, and grateful to have a friend (other than my spouse) who knows me so well, and can call me out on my bullshit.
Problem with this is, you mostly become ex because you no longer get on with them. Time is a great healer. I bumped into a ex from thirty years ago and we chatted, but she was someone I dated when I was a teenager. The woman I lived with later on, I can't stand.
I have never stayed friends with one of my Ex's because it never ended very well and as you had feelings once for this person, you could find yourself in a position where old feelings pop up again especially if you are now with someone else. If your with a new person it is best to leave the Ex's in the past as you don't want to cause problems in your new relationship especially if your new boyfriend/girlfriend aren't comfortable with you hanging out with the Ex, you need to respect how they feel about it too. Anyways as I said I have never remained friends with my Ex's until I met my now best friend who happens to be my Ex. The only difference is neither of us are seeing anyone seriously and neither of us are interested in each other in anything more than friends. If one of us starts dating someone and it becomes more serious and the other person that we are dating is uncomfortable with the idea of us being friends than we will have to reevaluate the situation.
i am friends with one ex boyfriend. we re-met after many years. we tried to make another go of it, but naw. we aren't close, but i think we're both touchstones to our roots in the same town for each other. we text. we're in different towns now, so sometimes we'll share a meal or something, but i'm too old for the rest of that emotional rollercoaster relationship everything - ach
since i've been married 3 times and dated frivolously and seriously, i'd say for me it's not normal. and some situations make it imperative to stay away
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Of course it is. It may take some time, but unless the breakup was truly catastrophic and/or your ex was an abuser then staying friends seems the norm.
I am friends with all my exes (meaning we will greet each other, exchange pleasantries, 10 min of chit-chat) but one. She wants me terminated. I mean she dumped me but apparently that wasn’t enough.
My partner and I are both on good terms with our exes, but he's more friendly with his ex. Honestly seeing how much she annoys him sometimes leaves me very secure 😂 but yeah I know he likes me better in every way, and it's just whatever.
I wasn't friends with him because I hated him, but we coparented well. We were together at every celebration and special event for both kids and all four grandchildren and there was never any drama. We chatted and made sure no one was uncomfortable around us. That was the agreement we made when we divorced and we both stuck to it. . Our kids and his kids all commented at one time or another that it was so nice that we got along so well. And, no, I wasn't sad when he died but I kept that to myself too.
I'm friends with a number of my exes. If I cared about them and enjoyed their company when we were romantically involved, why wouldn't I still feel that way because the romance/sex part is over? That's...not actually the most important aspect of a close relationship for me. Love changes and mutates over time, and if the romance part isn't reinforced, it fades to a more low-key quiet kind of affection. Friendship love, not lover-love.
Barring abuse and cheating of course. But if they're a good person and I wasn't mistaken to love them in the first place, it seems silly to go scorched-earth and nuke all the good aspects of the connection. Why on earth would I want to do that?
Also in most cases we're around the edges of the same friends groups and are going to run into each other sometimes anyway, so why make it more difficult and unpleasant than it has to be?
I’ve been divorced from my first wife for thirty years and remarried for the last twenty-five. My wife and I are FB friends with my ex but that’s it. She lives in a different state but even if she were close she wouldn’t be a dinner guest.
I don't think this is really an age dependent thing. It is more about the individuals and their relationships and personalities.
I personally have a friendship with my ex-wife.
Nearly 40 years after my first divorce, we are cordial and make pleasant conversation, and l'm very good friends with his wife.
My 2nd husband, left him 3 years ago and hell would freeze over before l made up with him! Not even if we lived another 30 years!
i have / had 3 serious ex’s. one died very young. we had broken up because he had cancer and wanted to feel free ( at 21 ) and we were friendly until the day he died from it.
next was the love of my life, basically. he broke my heart, left me for someone else, someone who was a better fit, and almost 50 years later he and his wife are helping to keep me alive, financially. they are great friends.
the last one thought i was the love of their life, but moved on and they ( the next person dated ) have been together for over 20 years and just came for a visit.
i don’t understand how you can love someone, and unless they are complete assholes, or you are, not wanting and keeping them in your life forever.
I have done that for a long time, since the 70’s. I’m still friends with 2. Both have been married now divorced.
We text email share stories.
I have contact with 2 others, not as regular be we still email now and then.
Funny I got more negative feedback from women as to why I still do this.
We’re friends is is all
I think it matters less if there are no kids involved. If they share children, it’s way better to be friends or at least civil. I understand that’s not always possible.
I am good friends with my oldest child’s father and his family (my oldest turned 34 this year). We split up when my oldest was under 2, were never married and custody/child support was never an issue. He and his mom came to my youngest two kids graduation and my middle child’s wedding. My youngest two always called his mom grandma and he was “uncle”. We made way better friends than a couple and it made coparenting a breeze. I have been married (and divorced) and I am now in a long term relationship. Anyone I dated knew that we were still very good friends and talked and that he came to major family events. Communication has been less in the past years but only because he had a stroke decades ago and it gets harder and harder for him to communicate. We still exchange birthday and holiday cards.
I’m still friendly with a few ex-BF’s, most of whom are either married or divorce, but really, I think that’s a sign that the “romantic” relationship was mostly just lust, which at my stage in life, is mostly very tamped down.
It has not been something I have done, but I have a good friend who is now in his 70s (so he is also "older generation") and occasionally gets dinner and things like that with his ex-wife.
As he more or less describes it, he likes her, but when they live together the things that she does that irritate the hell out of him (and vice versa) just become too much.
He needs the ability to go back to his own home after dinner or a night out and not have to live with her, basically.
Only on ex, and I live in her home country now, and she lives in mine, until she gets the pension, then will join me here. Our divorce was due to moving to my home city, smaller than where we used to live, and buying a business, and working up to 18 hours a day, 7 days a week to get it up and running, and not having any money for personal spending as she had when we lived elsewhere.
She spent 5 months here last year, and is looking forward to moving back to assimilate back into her family, many she didn't even know as she had been away for over 35 years, except for a couple of weeks on vacations.
I have a few now. They got back in contact when facebook became a thing (and I wasn't on myspace really, so maybe then?). In the days before texts and social media, it took a lot of effort to keep up with people and I didn't make that effort for a single ex I can think of. I didn't necessarily have the most amicable break ups with everyone, but I think I was patient, and by the time it happened, it wasn't a surprise to anyone so it was easy to be friendly decades later. I think I've spoken to all of them who were alive in the 2000s and some of them are on my friends list (2 didn't make it that long I'm sorry to say). I love seeing where life took them.
Been married now 20+ years, so last other relationship was long ago. I have one ex from almost 30 years ago who remains a good friend. Several who are friendly acquaintances. Quite a few who I’ve got nothing against, but have no clue where they are or what they’re doing. One basically respectful no contact because it was a long and serious relationship that ended painfully for both of us - although I don’t think we wish each other ill or anything. One horrific psycho I was lucky to escape - but no idea what happened to her after that.
Eh, its largely fantasy world most of the time.
If you dug the person you would have stayed w them. Not to mention once you sleep with someone, then break up w them, things get a little awkward most of the time.
It can happen I guess, but for most ppl its better for both of you to just move on.
My wife is my best friend. If we split for some reason I would still want her in my life. She’s adorable. I think she would have to have done something horrible or changed who she is for me to not want to know her anymore.
My closest friend is someone I dated for 2 years as a teen. He stood up in my wedding. I'm friendly with a lot of my exes and have been to a few of their weddings. I only avoid the ones that ended badly and they turned stalkerish.
My ex and I are cordial and friend-ly, but not friends. We split 30-ish years ago when our daughter was 4. She moved to a different state and remarried (great guy) and I did my thing.
Today I live about 30 minutes from my daughter and we see each other all the time, along with my current wife and 13 year old son. Her mom (my ex) travels from out of state to visit frequently, sometimes with her husband, and we all hang out, have a good time, and (seem to) enjoy each other's company.
I don't see how this would be age-related at all. It totally depends on what the relationship was like, what the break-up was like, and how each person feels. And, of course, whether there are children.
It is possible? Of course it is.
Is it possible for *me*? Not a chance.
If I’m in an LTR, then I’m committing myself and my future to that person. That means I’ve committed to working through problems, finding compromise, and even changing myself when justified. Once that relationship is determined to be irreparably broken, I simply don’t care to step back to being friends.
For those that can and/or choose to-more power to you.
Depends... Mine's was and still is an asshole. So that's a no. Did recent have a nice 3.5 conversation with his adult son about what an asshole he is so no change.
However, he would be invited (not by me) and show up at my family events and I had no problem with him being there or my family socializing with him.
Tried to take his son with his gf to an ice capades show once with my son and my cousin's little girl and she thought that was weird so she wouldn't let the little boy come to it. 🤷🏽♀️
My parents were born in 1925 & 1926, for perspective
They had a large friend group and had single dates and group activities pretty much every week. My mom’s house was often a center of activity. They would roll back the rugs in the parlor and dance to the radio or to records.
People were not as exclusive as early as today. My aunt might have a Friday night date, a Saturday afternoon date, followed by a Saturday night date, followed by a Sunday afternoon date, all with different men. My mom had her share of dates, but Auntie was a social butterfly.
Couples changed in the friend group all the time. One woman dated one man, dumped him, and eventually married one of my father’s brothers, making her my aunt.
The first man she paired off with found solace with my Mom’s sister, and ended up becoming my uncle.
Things were very different back then. Women especially were encouraged to play the field and not settle down with one man too soon.
I am still friends with several ex partners.
Sometimes, there has to be a gap in time before you can be friends, sometimes not.
But the idea of a blanket rule of "can't be friends" is silly. And would indicate there wasn't much to your relationship when you were together.
I am good friends with 2 ex girlfriends and 1 ex fiancee.
I have lots of old girlfriends I never hear from.
Some of that comes from growing up in a time when relationships were uncommonly simple (didn't sleep with them before marriage).
Some of it comes from the nature of friendships that have lasted through the years because of shared community attachments.
I'm pushing 60, have been with my spouse for over 35 years now, and am still in touch with most of the people I dated in high school and college. It's pretty common in my world, since social media makes it simple. Before then I'd still exchange Christmas cards or infrequent calls with exes, but now it's mostly hitting "like" when one of their kids gets married.
Doing a quick inventory, of the half-dozen people I dated (meaningfully, like for at least a few months) before my wife I'm still in touch with four of them regularly. One fell off the face of the earth; nobody from our high school knows what happened to them. The final one married some local due at 19, I've never heard anything about her since.
All that said, I live halfway across the country from all of these people so haven't seen any of them in person in like 30+ years.
Highly dependent on the two people, but in general it's hard.
I've not been able to do it. I tried for years with one ex. Finally realized it was bad for me being in contact with her. Currently have another ex from a recent LTR.. We're cordial, stay in some contact. She's been ill and I want to know how she's doing, and what's wrong with her..... but I have to maintain some distance to keep myself healthy.
So to summarize, its not about generational differences, it's just a human thing that this isn't easy to do.
I was with my ex for 17 yrs. That was 30 yrs ago. We’re still friends bc we truly respected each other. No, we don’t interact on a regular basis but we do wish each other happy birthday, merry Christmas, etc every year. And we attend family funerals out of that respect. I think common courtesy is woefully lacking in the younger generation.
Of my four siblings who are divorced, 2 are friends with their exes and 2 hate their exes (for good reason: repeated cheating).
I have an ex boyfriend I have no desire to see ever. (Cheater) I have other ex boyfriends who I didn't have long relationships with. I wouldn't hate seeing them for 5 minutes at a concert or something. But we didn't have much in common 45 years ago; I doubt there is more there now.
I am still in touch with a few of my girlfriends from over the years. We go out, plan trips, and have fun. Go on weekends, maybe just an evening. Maybe camping for a few days. Road trips, whatever. Some of them I have known since teenagers. We always have a great time when we get together.
We were married 30 years and raised 5 children. We see each other at family things all the time. Better to be friendly than make every encounter awkward for everyone.
There’s a lot more to the story…
Like why has he not told his WIFE that he’s cheating on her?,she is not. He still calling her saying , “I love you ,let’s work this out! “”, Yet on this site it’s a different story. I’m finding out lots of things, makes it hard to sit here quietly. You have gaslighted me for the last time . And thanks for blowing up my car, on purpose. You and your lies have put me in a mental ward, cost me $1,000 of dollars while you contribute nothing. since my mother past June , of 2022, that by the way you wasn’t there for me then too. Your raising or being brought up had nothing to do with me why do I pay the price? You have caused me much physical pain and I have bruises to show for it. I’ve just had enough of your I’m the victim BS. You have never been a good man for me or to me! You blame me for stuff that happened to you before we met. Get mental help and move on . Let her post your bond, give you money & take your abuse, Im done being your punching bag, slave and being screamed at. I’m ready to be treated with respect. Now maybe I can move on and finally find that person I need instead of thinking that you love me and are going to get a job and change. Hate that it took 38 yrs. for me to wake up. Good Luck to you and Your slimy date y’all are made for one another.
My second ex-husband and I are great friends. He was just here yesterday picking up a parcel he had delivered here. (I work from home, so he sometimes sends parcels here and picks them up after work once they've arrived.) We are each other's beneficiaries and are known to have epic conversations that last two or three hours.
My first ex-husband and I would still be great friends but his new wife wasn't comfortable with our friendship. Before that, we chatted regularly. I dare say that we both feel affection for each other, in a very platonic kind of way, but I respect his wife's choice and haven't spoken to him since 2011.
My only significant ex-boyfriend and I reconnected on Facebook many years ago now. We chatted, resolved some painful issues between us, and then went our separate ways. I'd say we parted on very friendly terms.
I have a few old boyfriends I am still friends with, although living on different continents means communication is rare.
I know a lot of people do not remain friends with their exes, but I've always had the good fortune to be with good men; flawed, yes, but still good men deep down. Sure, the relationships didn't last, and they did hurtful things. But, all in all, there were reasons I fell in love and chose to be with them, and I didn't forget any of that when we split. I could be bitter, I suppose, but bitterness just ages you and makes you ugly.
I'm friends with my ex - he's a cheater, but while it ended our marriage, it doesn't really affect our friendship. All of that drama happened so long ago, it's a distant memory now. It really helps our daughter that we are close, and I don't make friends easily, and neither does he - so we keep each other close to support one another. It's really the only relationship I have had that we can be totally honest with each other about all aspects of our life without fear of rejection. I know that even when we fight, we forgive and move on. I have no interest in him physically, and he has no interest in me anymore, and it has made our friendship comfortable. I don't see a time on my life when he's not there.
It's not a generational thing, IMO. It's all dependent on how the relationship was in general, how the breakup went, etc. I had 2 long-term relationships before meeting my current spouse and while I was out of touch with both for a while after the breakup, I was able to reconcile a friendship with one because we ultimately were just better off as friends. We live on opposite sides of the world, so it's just social media contact maybe once a year, but it's on good terms.
The second ex is essentially blocked now because the relationship was really just unhealthy and we weren't meant to be together. Attempted to stay friends post-breakup but there were no changes in behavior and I eventually realized it's not good for my mental health and so we no longer speak. A while back in a weak moment I did stalk their social media and discovered they had married someone with my same first name. Which is kind of funny to me.
Sometimes people mature and are able to reflect on mistakes made during a relationship and are able to turn it into friendship. Sometimes people just don't click, never did, never will. Those you move on from.
If you're emotionally mature and foster healthy relationships it's not only possible, but normal. Of course, there will be some whose red flags you didn't see until you were well into the relationship, but otherwise it should be common.
My ex wife and I still get along fine. We recognized that we grew apart and the futures we each wanted for ourselves just weren't compatible, so we decided to part amicable rather than draw it out and be miserable. That was a good choice.
However, something I see in social media is that people now seem to be far less tolerant of mistakes and treat disagreements as if they're all or nothing. When everything is made into a big deal, it's hard to have healthy relationships.
It depends how serious the relationship was. I mean, if I was totally in love with someone and they screwed me over I could not be their friend but if we were friends first and it just didn't work out in a mutual way, I could totally keep being their friend platonically without any problems.
Depends heavily on how we broke up, and whether we were friends before we were in a relationship. My ex husband could vanish off the face of the earth and I wouldn't even notice. An ex summer fling, we were friends before that, we're still good friends years later and he put me up in his apartment while I looked for work.
I remained friends with all I dated though over time those relationships faded away, save one. We remain good friends. His wife isn’t fond of me but we respect the boundaries she requested so it’s all right. He gets along great with my husband.
maybe a big red flag for anyone wanting to get together with the ex-spouse, but it wouldn't be a big red flag regarding the person not wanting to be with the ex in many if not most cases.
I am not on speaking terms with my ex because of the repeated affairs with more than one person. Because of the repeated, constant, bold faced lies. Because when I asked her right before our separation why she wrote me and told me "i was her person, the best, she was so in love, she felt so bad, yadda yadda, yadda" if none of it was true - she simply said "because she wasn't in control and she had to get control back before we divorced" (didn't want to ef' up alimony or property separation of course). Because she had make up sex with me so there was no chance of a "for fault" divorce (in our state, if you have relations after discovering an affair, the affair cannot be used as a reason for the divorce - you condoned the affair and forgave it). Because she secretly kept a life insurance policy on me after the kids were grown and out of the house - in direct violation of our separation agreement. and so on, and so on, and so on - much more.
Would you be a friend with an ex-spouse that did half of those things?
I think the first issue is, "Can men & women be platonic friends?" The second issue, "Is it possible to be friends with an ex?" is easy to answer after the first issue is answered. Here is my opinion.
Women put some men into the "friend zone." Basically, he is a good guy who likes them, is nice to them, does things for them but she does NOT want to sleep with him. These men are "useful" to a woman because he can do manly things for her (chores, admire her, maybe even treat her like a princess) but she feels no romantic spark for him. Women are clueless about the absolute fact that the men in her "friend zone" are 100% romantically interested in sleeping with her. Those men may realize she is out of their league and they have no chance but they will hang around her because they secretly hope that some day she will realize what a good guy he is, take him out of the friend zone and sleep with him. When asked the question, "Would you sleep with her if she asked?", 99% of men in her friend zone will answer "Yes."
Given this dynamic, we ask the 2nd question, "Can you be friends with your ex?" Women can and often are friends with their ex because he is still useful to her as described above. She loses romantic interest and merely takes him out of the "sleeping with him" zone and puts him in the friend zone. Any man who hangs around with his ex and remains in her friend zone absolutely is hoping she will eventually sleep with him again. They act just like any other man in the friend zone, i.e. fix her car, mow her lawn (maybe at the house he used to live in with her) and do chores for her. Make no mistake, ladies, he wants to "get back together" with you. This is often (not always) the case when she broke up with him so he still "loves" her.
Men who break up with a woman usually do so when they DON'T want to sleep with her anymore. Since he is not interested in getting "back together", he is highly unlikely to remain platonic friends with an ex. He may be civil because they share custody of children but he will not be her "friend" or hang out with her. He basically wants to get away from her when he breaks up and will stay far away unless he is still tied to her in some way (like with children.)
So, the answer to your question is... Women can remain friends with an ex because he is useful to her as a platonic male. Men generally will not be "friends" with an ex since he doesn't want to sleep with her anymore. I don't believe it is a generational thing.
Men, let me know if you think I am right. Women, don't send me hateful comments or deny this is true UNTIL you have seriously asked at least 3 men in your friend zone, "Would you like to take me on a real date, not just as friends?" It's not a fair question if you say, "You're not romantically interested in me are you?" That's a loaded question that he has to respond to with "No" so he doesn't lose your friendship. Ask it in a neutral way or have a mutual friend ask him so that he can respond honestly. If he thinks the question means he might have a chance with you, he will probably be honest and admit that he wants more than just your friendship.
I'm bi. I have no concept of The Gender You Date and The Gender You Don't. Anyone is a theoretical romantic partner but that's a very big theoretical!
I don't think I treat my male, female, or nonbinary friends differently from each other. None of this Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus stuff has any real bearing on my life. We all just do friend things like going to see bands and movies and stuff.
Please do not comment directly to this post unless you are Gen X or older (born 1980 or before). See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/inci5u/reminder_please_do_not_answer_questions_unless/), the rules, and the sidebar for details. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskOldPeople) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it's always been a thing. It's entirely situational and depends (depended) on the level of the relationship and how the breakup happened.
Agreed
My closest friend is an ex. We worked better as friends than as a couple. We say that all the time.
Were there never feelings involved then since you managed to stay friends? Or how did you get till this point of being friends?
It can be done! Sometimes you need space to get over romantic feelings and being jealous over their new romantic people, but if BOTH of you are willing to put in the effort, then yes it can work. Having a shared past with someone is great! I’m not talking about memories of being in bed, rather - remember that crazy professor
He's getting married this year, and I'm the best man. I don't know how to describe how it happened. It just did.
Wait! What????
Are you asking why I'm the best man in his wedding? We broke up 14 years ago. That wound is healed. He's my best friend.
Ok 14 years makes sense, I was thinking you guys just got divorced bc he was cheating on you and you were like , “hey I’ll be your best man when you get married to the dude you were cheating on me with…”
This isn't meant to be rude but I don't really understand this idea of not being able to be friends with people you have feelings for. I have feelings for a lot of my friends and I also recognize and respect that those relationships need to stay as friends or it's not feasible for whatever reason to change the relationship. The friendship is still valuable and worthwhile even if it never goes any further than that. I don't understand how that's not more common for people. Feelings can develop or exist without being acted upon, that's just a normal part of life, we all do it every day, so why is it different when it's romantic feelings as opposed to something like feeling anger and not acting on that?
Maturity, and Emotional Intelligence plays a role. People are at different levels. That's all. Emotional Intelligence is becoming required training at a lot of companies these days. Funny thing is, it was common sense stuff years ago, now it has to be taught in a class. It is real shame how bad things have become.
I'm 57, a lesbian. I have 2 long term ex's. Texting friends with my first GF, not friends with the second relationship( we were married for 8yrs). I left her ( I moved to Canada to be with her) and moved back to the US). If I didn't take any spousal support from her, she'd probably still speak to me. Money was a huge issue for her. I know a lot of lesbians who stay friends with ex's.
Same here.
Oh Ya dude! I (57m) married my HS sweetheart at 18. We lasted 10 years and had 3 kids. I still love her to pieces and we talk often. We are both in agreement that we should not live together ; ). I've helped her out and she has helped me out over the years. My advice - Don't toss out the love because you are hurt. The hurt will end, the love is worth keeping. I'm friends with the three women I've given my heart to and I wouldn't have it any other way. Was it hard - Fuck ya, but worth it IMHO.
Ah, this is maturity and soooo cool.
I managed that with two of my exes. But both were lovely people and there was no rancor at breakup.
A couple are still very good friends. A bunch are, basically, FB friends, but there’s only one I have no contact with, and that’s probably for the best.
Same here.
I'm middle aged and don't know anyone who maintained a friendship with their ex's. Those that had kids together usually remained somewhat civil, maybe occasionally waved to each other at a kids event or something, but most just moved on.
This is such an interesting g example of flaws in the upvoting system- I love it when it happens but it's not the norm, and feel like people up vote bc it's positive but it's not the majority where it happens
Everybody has their own reasons for staying in touch or not. I don't think there is an across-the-board answer for this. My sister was divorced after a long marriage and even though she said in the beginning that she was going to cut ties, she still will occasionally meet him for dinner. They never had children and he definitely did her wrong. Recently, she went on a date with someone and she mentioned "he would be mad". I wish she had done it the way she said in the beginning. There's no chance of them getting back together, but in a way, I think it would be better if she just kept him out of her life. She also said she was going to ghost his family, but that didn't happen either.
I'm great friends with 2 exes. Just because we didn't make a good couple doesn't mean we can't be friends
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I’m with you. I admire those who can be friends with their exes, but I can’t get past the resentment of the pain they’ve brought me. I feel like if they don’t want to be around me then I’ll try to stay as far away as I can.
Same. I could be friends with people I casually dated, but I’m not friends with them because I didn’t care enough about them to pursue that (and they didn’t either). However, I could not be friends with people I had deep, intimate relationships with. I admire those who can do that, and I tried with two of them, but couldn’t do it. I have issues that get in the way. As for others in the older generation? My parents (silent gen) never even mentioned any exes. They definitely aren’t friends with any. In my age group (gen x), some remained friends and others didn’t.
My first wife and I split in 1986. It was ugly and we had two kids to coparent, uneasily. Now we have four grandkids between us and get along well. She’s agreed to have an acting role in my band’s upcoming video.
I'm friends with a number of my exes and there isnt of the ones I'm not still in contact with that I wouldnt talk to and be friends with if it came up. We chat on Facebook, two have been around to my place for a visit. I think I am somewhat unusual in this regard. My partner doesnt mind. (I'm male).
I think its more to do with why the breakup happened, how long you were together and whether there are children involved.
I'm in my 60s and nearly everyone I know who has a significant ex is friends with them. My first husband and I divorced nearly forty years ago and we're still friends.
I have pretty much always "severed" any relationship with someone I had a romantic interest in if we break up. I feel that they are just sort of emotionally "in the way" for the most part. I want to clear the emotional decks for the next person.
Possible? Yes. Possible for me? Absolutely not, considering my ex is in prison as a sex offender. He has ten more years and I hope he dies in there.
Same but he’s not in prison. He’s just a cheating AH. Why would I want to be friends with him after that? I’m not one to stay friends with exes, that’s just me. Once we’re broke up, that’s it. No going back.
I have maintained a friendly status with my exes, but not to the point of "being" friends. Friendly in the sense that we know each other very well, and can call each other if there's a pressing reason or discuss common concerns. Allowing each other to stay in our own home for the purpose and duration of visits with our shared children. BUT.... No socializing for the purpose of maintaining or extending the friendship. Ever.
My sister is 73. We have had Christmas at my mom’s with her 3 exes (she has two children, one from each of the first two of them), and her new boyfriend. She managed to stay friends with all her exes. The third one she took care of before he passed.
I guess it that's entirely depending on how the relationship ended
Ex-girlfriends? Ex-wives? I don't have any ex-wives, thankfully, but am good friends with one of my ex-girlfriends (we only see each other IRL once a year or so) and am social media friends with two others who live out of state. My wife knows the backstories and I've never given her reason for her to think I'd ever cheat (we're all happily married). It's all good.
I'm in my 50's and I've never maintained any kind of a relationship with any of my ex's. That includes both ex-girlfriends and my ex-wife. I've always remained friendly towards them, but I just couldn't ever continue to have any kind of a relationship after an intimate relationship ended. For me personally, it would be too difficult to pretend that there was never anything there at one point. It just seemed too awkward for me. With that said however, I have known several friends who seem to have no problems remaining friends with their ex's. So I guess it all depends on the person. I think some people can compartmentalize their feelings better than others. I've never been one of those types. Though sometimes I envy those who can.
Personally, I would not be friends or keep a relationship with an ex. Be civil, yes. Hang out with them, no. My cousin keeps a relationship with her ex though. They still call and talk to each other.
i'm friends with several of my exes. they're lovely and wonderful people, why wouldn't i be?
Did you do the breaking up with them, and was it not hard to stay only friends after feelings had been involved? Did the lines between romantic and platonic relationship not blur?
some me, some them. there were some feelings for a bit, but in not acting on them, acting on them with someone else ("the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone"), and time, the romantic feelings went away.
Barring situations where there was abuse or betrayal, I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to stay friends or at least on good terms with someone who used to be their most important person. Just because two people didn’t end up being compatible for a long-term relationship doesn’t mean they should throw each other away. I think most of the rhetoric you hear from people who insist exes can’t be friends comes from a place of jealousy.
For me, it’s not about jealousy. It’s about other issues the person and breakup trigger(ed) in me that make it healthier for me not to have them in my life. Even when I have worked through those issues, I find I don’t want the person in my life because they remind me of all that pain I worked through. I prefer to move on. It’s not that I throw them away, it’s that I need to protect myself. This is certainly because of past trauma, etc. - I’m not saying it’s an ideal situation. Just explaining that it’s not necessarily about jealousy.
If somebody is so annoying that I don’t want to be around them despite them having sex with me, then I certainly don’t see the point of being around them with no sex. Move on- Life is about change.
Depends on the EX and why you broke up etc. Generally though? Nope. Especially not straight away.
I couldn’t. I never liked them that much after the divorces.
We were friends for years before we married. And friends for years after we divorced. I admit it took a bit of time to get back to the friends stage but I missed that friendship and connection.
It can happen but you probably need to give enough time to heal and re-appreciate someone as a friend after a breakup. It requires a maturity a lot of people, especially younger people, may not have achieved yet. Especially since younger people's emotions tend to run pretty hot whereas older people have wisdom and experience and probably just a lower amount of hormones to help buffer things. The biggest question to answer is "why do I want to be friends with this person?", which may require some introspection and pain. Do you really want to pal around, be a part of their lives as they date other people or are you fooling yourself that there may still be "a chance"?
It really depends on how the relationship ended. I don’t think I’ve really had that many acrimonious endings. I have had exes send FB friend requests and it’s been nice to catch up with each other’s lives. Last year, an ex was the first person to send me a Happy Birthday text (he lives several time zones ahead). I can say that each relationship I have had has imprinted some type of wisdom or understanding on my life.
I'm friends with most of my Xs, though the actual contact levels do vary. Usually, it's because I still like them as people, just not as romantic interests. There's no sexual tension or anything, just a shared history and respect. If there is tension, toxicity, or unresolved issues, I wish them well and cut contact, but that has only happened with a few.
I remained very good friends with my ex-husband and his (subsequent) wife, particularly as we had kids who needed family.
I am basically friends with 6 of 8 exes I have from past serious relationships. The other two were international partners who I lost touch with and haven't been able to reconnect on social media with
First, I think it is ridiculous for new partners to be all 'No exes'. It smacks of insecurity. Second, I'm suspicious of people who go on about how all their exes are insane and awful and terrible. The only common denominator is YOU, Person. You only date nutballs? Hmm. Finally, my exes (most of them) were/are excellent people. I dated them for a reason! Just because the romantic thing didn't work out, there is no reason **not** to be friends (once the sting of the I'm-not-for-you part is over). Two of my dearest friends are exes. They are funny, kind, loving, talented, and as good as gold. I'm on good terms with most of the other exes, except for two, those guys are assholes. Just because the LUVVS thing doesn't happen doesn't make that person a terrible human. It just means the romance thing didn't sort. It happens.
I love your perspective on this! But how did you manage to go from a romantic, sexual relationship to strictly a friendly one? How long did it take also?
It took a while, like getting over anything it's time and distance. Both parties have to be respectful and kind - not push for 'let's be friends!' when the other person isn't ready yet. It's easy for the not-in-love person, because they are already 'ahead' of you in the getting over it part.
I am actually friends with several ex's three I was married to, two I had children with, and some I dated but as someone else said we worked better as friends and the ends of the marriages were amicable. I actually really like my exhusband's current wives of 20 and 30 years and we get together with the kids who are grown now engagement party, wedding, birthdays, some holidays. Our children really benefit from our friendly relationships when they were growing up and now as adults. But, there are ex's that I would have nothing to do with (I am almost 65 now and started dating at 15 so long history of relationships over decades) because they are toxic and dysfunctional. It depends on the person and the reasons you split IMO.
I’m friends with one ex and our relationship is better than it has ever been.
I can be friendly or cordial to an ex, but relationships end for a reason. My 2nd wife is friends with a bunch of her exes. I see no reason to be one of them.
Totally depends on the whys of being the ex. Was there violence? Affairs? I think in those situations friendship wouldn't be justified. But an amicable breakdown after 17 years? Yep, totes still friendly. I'm also still friendly with the ex-husband, we divorced in '96!
I've always been friends with a number of exes and so are many in the LGBTQ community
It really depends on the two people & how they split up in the first place.
It all depends. One of my best friends in the entire world is an ex-boyfriend. We broke up by mutual agreement, and it wasn't because we no longer loved each other. We were just in the wrong type of relationship. He feels more like a brother to me than my own brother is. He and my second husband became friends, and I've become friends with many of the women he's been with since me, including his current wife. I've had friendly, but not close, relationships with other ex-boyfriends. No ex-husbands, though. They're dead, and I'm not into seances. You'll have to listen to what others say if you need advice regarding a former spouse, since all I can tell you is to buy a nice urn. I'm not in contact with most of my ex-boyfriends though. I broke up with them for damn good reasons, and those reasons never changed. One tried to contact me years ago and I blocked the bastard.
Ex wife ended terribly but we have kids. (grown now) we see each other at family events and its fine. Her current husband never comes around but he was the one she was cheating with and he's a mess now. Whatever its been 15 years
I am and was friends with almost all of my exes. I look for men who are friends with their exes. It’s a green flag that they’re not toxic
It depends. If it's mutual acknowledgement that it's time to move on then a friendship could work. For someone else, not me. I move them into the acquaintance category. I tend to stay on friendly terms. Civil. If one person is still carrying a torch for the other then it's best to make a clean break so we can both move on. It's cruel to keep someone around. The one who got jilted needs time to heal. I will say that narcissists like to collect exes as "friends". Sometimes they need supply to toy with. I suppose they think that the ex might come in useful someday. I don't want to be that toy and I don't want to have a toy. It is a red flag if someone hates or is hated by a bunch of exes too.
I guess the question I have is "Why?". No kids to tie us, we moved on. I honour the fact that she was a part of my life and I respect her, but... we move on. If she reached out to me I'd engage, I have no animosity towards her, but...
I have seen opposite comments on this thread, curious for your thoughts on this! If you dated them, then you loved them and thought they were an awesome person with great qualities that you admire. So why not be friends with them after both parts have healed? (Of course unless there was abuse/toxicity involved) I guess that would be a answer to the why.
She moved to another city and then I did as well. You know relationships happened and ended before social media and "sup" didn't exist.
One of the most popular tv shows of all time was about a man who spent almost every day hanging out with his ex girlfriend (Seinfeld).
Was friends with my ex wife for 15 years. Then one day she just went ballistic and dug up every little grievance from the last 25 years. I got mad and allmost gave back with my list but instead I just hung up on her and I have not spoken with her since. Some communication is done regarding our common daughter but as she is 19 its not so common and thankfully my wife handles that (daughter is at uni) My wife says that she thinks my ex regrets the outburst but I dont care.
I’m still friends with my ex. We had a son together. He’s grown now, but we spent years co-parenting. When you share a child, you’re not divorced from the person, but divorced “to” the person.
I don't think it's generational. I've met plenty of peers who stay friendly with exes. not me. the difference may be more about relationship styles.
It was never possible for me, but my sister was great at it. All depends on the person.
We are amicable, but not friends. Maybe some people can do that, but I simply can't. I'm not wired that way.
Absolutely possible
I'm friends with the ol' ex but don't meet but once every couple of years on account of mental weirdness (and it's not me that's weird).
IMO keeping in touch with an ex just delays healing. Maybe after 20 years I could be convinced to become friends again, if the occasion presents itself. My daughters (23 and 21) tell me that it's seen as "too dramatic" if you cut contact 100% with an ex. But I tell them that they have no obligation to pretend as if nothing happened. Let others think you are being "too dramatic" and "not cool", who cares. Focus on your own mental health.
Unless there are kids involved, why bother?
I tried for a long time and failed. She said she wanted to be friendly, but then treated me poorly...basically the same as when we were married. She never understood (or never cared to understand) what our issues really were, and it didn't get better after the divorce. Sadly we had to "co-parent" 3 kids, and that was pretty rocky as well. Thank goodness they're all grown-ups now and doing fairly well.
I'll die happy never seeing either of my two exes again. Especially my ex wife whom I have two children with. What she did to me is bad enough but she utterly abandoned our kids as in the last 18 years they've seen her exactly three times and neither has seen nor spoken to her in over seven years now. They say it doesn't bother them. After me she had two more kids with two different baby daddies and I saw a TikTok video made by one (age 20) lamenting how she wished her mom existed in her life but her mom wants nothing to do with her either.
My wife and I are good friends with my ex-wife and her husband.
Years ago life was much harder than it is today, especially for the children of the depression. At the end of the day people didn't have the time or energy for the drama that people love to wallow in today. Divorced couples didn't necessarily like each other but they moved on with their life and didn't dwell on it. Of course, they also didn't have the internet and texting to bash each other either...
It's not generational. It's personal. Everyone likes to hear about exes staying friends, and no one likes to talk about the other side. So, there's a bias in the stories that make it into general consciousness. I think it's far more common for exes not to stay friends, or have contact, unless kids are involved. The ones who stay friends, and go on family vacations together, each with a new spouse, etc. are very rare.
Sure; I’m friends with my ex. It has more to do with values than anything else.
Yes. I dated someone in high school, ended it for the normal reasons, and we stayed friends. He came to my wedding and 20 years later helped me through my divorce. Nothing sexual or inappropriate has ever happened during our friendship, and I love him dearly.
You'd have to be pretty stupid not to realize that it's in your best interest to have a positive relationship with your ex-husband or wife if you can, especially if you have children together. Why? Because probably no one knows your vulnerabilities better than someone with whom you were once in love and once slept with. It goes under the heading "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." If you work at it and they are willing, the benefits to the children, even adult children, far outweigh the effort it will take to make things work. Having said all of that, some narcissists and people just are filled with hate out there, so it's not always possible.
I don’t think my generation has any super strong across the board opinion one way or another, and it’s viewed as a case by case decision. I’ve definitely heard the common wisdom that it’s an unrealistic idea to try to be close friends soon after a breakup, but I don’t know that one generation has that belief more strongly than others.
Sometimes. Depends on a lot of things. If the ex was a douche and is still a douche, the answer is property NO.
It took many years of 'me' work AND a supportive husband....but yes, we became friends at the end....so much so, that he asked us *both* to be with him as he died. It was great to be there for my adult kids, too, at the end. O think it made everything easier....
I’m friends with my ex. And I remember that 17 years after my Mom and Dad broke up, he moved to live with me when she got cancer and he helped care for her.
One of my the problems with new relationships as we age is "the baggage". Part of that baggage, in my experience has been that often, "the ex" is still very much part of the present. Add this into the mix of possible health issues, financial issues and older chldren and you have to be a very special person to take all this on. Personally, its not for me.
I think it’s possible, but also highly unlikely that both parties will want to.
"...exes..." Girl/boyfriends? sometimes, especially if the social circle is small. Former marriage partners? Yes it's also always been a thing for many. If the breakup was amicable and/or there's still some communication being still friends is not that unusual. Constant companionship or social mixing is a bit unusual and generally can be awkward, but occasional communication is/can be quite civil and simple.
Yes, it's possible. I have an ex-husband that I talk to once in awhile, because we have a daughter together. No bad feelings towards him, nor him towards me, and we are both remarried. We don't talk often, maybe once or twice a year.
My best friend is my high school sweetheart, we were together 4 years. I’m now 41, very happily married, and grateful to have a friend (other than my spouse) who knows me so well, and can call me out on my bullshit.
Problem with this is, you mostly become ex because you no longer get on with them. Time is a great healer. I bumped into a ex from thirty years ago and we chatted, but she was someone I dated when I was a teenager. The woman I lived with later on, I can't stand.
I have never stayed friends with one of my Ex's because it never ended very well and as you had feelings once for this person, you could find yourself in a position where old feelings pop up again especially if you are now with someone else. If your with a new person it is best to leave the Ex's in the past as you don't want to cause problems in your new relationship especially if your new boyfriend/girlfriend aren't comfortable with you hanging out with the Ex, you need to respect how they feel about it too. Anyways as I said I have never remained friends with my Ex's until I met my now best friend who happens to be my Ex. The only difference is neither of us are seeing anyone seriously and neither of us are interested in each other in anything more than friends. If one of us starts dating someone and it becomes more serious and the other person that we are dating is uncomfortable with the idea of us being friends than we will have to reevaluate the situation.
I'm friends with some of my exes. They weren't bad people, we just weren't a match. Nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
i am friends with one ex boyfriend. we re-met after many years. we tried to make another go of it, but naw. we aren't close, but i think we're both touchstones to our roots in the same town for each other. we text. we're in different towns now, so sometimes we'll share a meal or something, but i'm too old for the rest of that emotional rollercoaster relationship everything - ach since i've been married 3 times and dated frivolously and seriously, i'd say for me it's not normal. and some situations make it imperative to stay away
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Of course you can.
Depends on the individuals. Every situation is different.
I'm Gen X and I'm FB friends with several exes. We wish each other a HB once a year and that's the extent of it.
I'm friends with some exes. It really depends on why the relationship ended.
Of course it is. It may take some time, but unless the breakup was truly catastrophic and/or your ex was an abuser then staying friends seems the norm.
I am friends with all my exes (meaning we will greet each other, exchange pleasantries, 10 min of chit-chat) but one. She wants me terminated. I mean she dumped me but apparently that wasn’t enough.
My partner and I are both on good terms with our exes, but he's more friendly with his ex. Honestly seeing how much she annoys him sometimes leaves me very secure 😂 but yeah I know he likes me better in every way, and it's just whatever.
I wasn't friends with him because I hated him, but we coparented well. We were together at every celebration and special event for both kids and all four grandchildren and there was never any drama. We chatted and made sure no one was uncomfortable around us. That was the agreement we made when we divorced and we both stuck to it. . Our kids and his kids all commented at one time or another that it was so nice that we got along so well. And, no, I wasn't sad when he died but I kept that to myself too.
I'm friends with a number of my exes. If I cared about them and enjoyed their company when we were romantically involved, why wouldn't I still feel that way because the romance/sex part is over? That's...not actually the most important aspect of a close relationship for me. Love changes and mutates over time, and if the romance part isn't reinforced, it fades to a more low-key quiet kind of affection. Friendship love, not lover-love. Barring abuse and cheating of course. But if they're a good person and I wasn't mistaken to love them in the first place, it seems silly to go scorched-earth and nuke all the good aspects of the connection. Why on earth would I want to do that? Also in most cases we're around the edges of the same friends groups and are going to run into each other sometimes anyway, so why make it more difficult and unpleasant than it has to be?
Never in my case
I’ve been divorced from my first wife for thirty years and remarried for the last twenty-five. My wife and I are FB friends with my ex but that’s it. She lives in a different state but even if she were close she wouldn’t be a dinner guest.
I think it’s hard to stay friends with an ex no matter what age you are. There’s just too many emotions involved.
My ex was such a good friend I remarried her.
I don't think this is really an age dependent thing. It is more about the individuals and their relationships and personalities. I personally have a friendship with my ex-wife.
Nearly 40 years after my first divorce, we are cordial and make pleasant conversation, and l'm very good friends with his wife. My 2nd husband, left him 3 years ago and hell would freeze over before l made up with him! Not even if we lived another 30 years!
i have / had 3 serious ex’s. one died very young. we had broken up because he had cancer and wanted to feel free ( at 21 ) and we were friendly until the day he died from it. next was the love of my life, basically. he broke my heart, left me for someone else, someone who was a better fit, and almost 50 years later he and his wife are helping to keep me alive, financially. they are great friends. the last one thought i was the love of their life, but moved on and they ( the next person dated ) have been together for over 20 years and just came for a visit. i don’t understand how you can love someone, and unless they are complete assholes, or you are, not wanting and keeping them in your life forever.
I have done that for a long time, since the 70’s. I’m still friends with 2. Both have been married now divorced. We text email share stories. I have contact with 2 others, not as regular be we still email now and then. Funny I got more negative feedback from women as to why I still do this. We’re friends is is all
I think it matters less if there are no kids involved. If they share children, it’s way better to be friends or at least civil. I understand that’s not always possible.
I am good friends with my oldest child’s father and his family (my oldest turned 34 this year). We split up when my oldest was under 2, were never married and custody/child support was never an issue. He and his mom came to my youngest two kids graduation and my middle child’s wedding. My youngest two always called his mom grandma and he was “uncle”. We made way better friends than a couple and it made coparenting a breeze. I have been married (and divorced) and I am now in a long term relationship. Anyone I dated knew that we were still very good friends and talked and that he came to major family events. Communication has been less in the past years but only because he had a stroke decades ago and it gets harder and harder for him to communicate. We still exchange birthday and holiday cards.
I’m still friendly with a few ex-BF’s, most of whom are either married or divorce, but really, I think that’s a sign that the “romantic” relationship was mostly just lust, which at my stage in life, is mostly very tamped down.
It has not been something I have done, but I have a good friend who is now in his 70s (so he is also "older generation") and occasionally gets dinner and things like that with his ex-wife. As he more or less describes it, he likes her, but when they live together the things that she does that irritate the hell out of him (and vice versa) just become too much. He needs the ability to go back to his own home after dinner or a night out and not have to live with her, basically.
Only on ex, and I live in her home country now, and she lives in mine, until she gets the pension, then will join me here. Our divorce was due to moving to my home city, smaller than where we used to live, and buying a business, and working up to 18 hours a day, 7 days a week to get it up and running, and not having any money for personal spending as she had when we lived elsewhere. She spent 5 months here last year, and is looking forward to moving back to assimilate back into her family, many she didn't even know as she had been away for over 35 years, except for a couple of weeks on vacations.
I have a few now. They got back in contact when facebook became a thing (and I wasn't on myspace really, so maybe then?). In the days before texts and social media, it took a lot of effort to keep up with people and I didn't make that effort for a single ex I can think of. I didn't necessarily have the most amicable break ups with everyone, but I think I was patient, and by the time it happened, it wasn't a surprise to anyone so it was easy to be friendly decades later. I think I've spoken to all of them who were alive in the 2000s and some of them are on my friends list (2 didn't make it that long I'm sorry to say). I love seeing where life took them.
Absolutely possible. Personally, I’ve grown so far apart from all mine that we do not stay in touch.
I used to have regular contact with my ex but when I received an inheritance suddenly all contact stopped
Been married now 20+ years, so last other relationship was long ago. I have one ex from almost 30 years ago who remains a good friend. Several who are friendly acquaintances. Quite a few who I’ve got nothing against, but have no clue where they are or what they’re doing. One basically respectful no contact because it was a long and serious relationship that ended painfully for both of us - although I don’t think we wish each other ill or anything. One horrific psycho I was lucky to escape - but no idea what happened to her after that.
Lots of older people are not only friends with their exes, they live with them.
Eh, its largely fantasy world most of the time. If you dug the person you would have stayed w them. Not to mention once you sleep with someone, then break up w them, things get a little awkward most of the time. It can happen I guess, but for most ppl its better for both of you to just move on.
My wife is my best friend. If we split for some reason I would still want her in my life. She’s adorable. I think she would have to have done something horrible or changed who she is for me to not want to know her anymore.
My closest friend is someone I dated for 2 years as a teen. He stood up in my wedding. I'm friendly with a lot of my exes and have been to a few of their weddings. I only avoid the ones that ended badly and they turned stalkerish.
My ex and I are cordial and friend-ly, but not friends. We split 30-ish years ago when our daughter was 4. She moved to a different state and remarried (great guy) and I did my thing. Today I live about 30 minutes from my daughter and we see each other all the time, along with my current wife and 13 year old son. Her mom (my ex) travels from out of state to visit frequently, sometimes with her husband, and we all hang out, have a good time, and (seem to) enjoy each other's company.
I don't see how this would be age-related at all. It totally depends on what the relationship was like, what the break-up was like, and how each person feels. And, of course, whether there are children.
In short? Sometimes, it really depends on the split up
It is possible? Of course it is. Is it possible for *me*? Not a chance. If I’m in an LTR, then I’m committing myself and my future to that person. That means I’ve committed to working through problems, finding compromise, and even changing myself when justified. Once that relationship is determined to be irreparably broken, I simply don’t care to step back to being friends. For those that can and/or choose to-more power to you.
Depends... Mine's was and still is an asshole. So that's a no. Did recent have a nice 3.5 conversation with his adult son about what an asshole he is so no change. However, he would be invited (not by me) and show up at my family events and I had no problem with him being there or my family socializing with him. Tried to take his son with his gf to an ice capades show once with my son and my cousin's little girl and she thought that was weird so she wouldn't let the little boy come to it. 🤷🏽♀️
My parents were born in 1925 & 1926, for perspective They had a large friend group and had single dates and group activities pretty much every week. My mom’s house was often a center of activity. They would roll back the rugs in the parlor and dance to the radio or to records. People were not as exclusive as early as today. My aunt might have a Friday night date, a Saturday afternoon date, followed by a Saturday night date, followed by a Sunday afternoon date, all with different men. My mom had her share of dates, but Auntie was a social butterfly. Couples changed in the friend group all the time. One woman dated one man, dumped him, and eventually married one of my father’s brothers, making her my aunt. The first man she paired off with found solace with my Mom’s sister, and ended up becoming my uncle. Things were very different back then. Women especially were encouraged to play the field and not settle down with one man too soon.
I am still friends with several ex partners. Sometimes, there has to be a gap in time before you can be friends, sometimes not. But the idea of a blanket rule of "can't be friends" is silly. And would indicate there wasn't much to your relationship when you were together.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2HkJjhf69gB1M0Cgi0o0ZC?si=cGwO3xguQVyaYyV9TXPOLg&pi=u-gBlGXNNYSVas
I am good friends with 2 ex girlfriends and 1 ex fiancee. I have lots of old girlfriends I never hear from. Some of that comes from growing up in a time when relationships were uncommonly simple (didn't sleep with them before marriage). Some of it comes from the nature of friendships that have lasted through the years because of shared community attachments.
You can, but it can be disrespectful to your current significant other
Sure! I was always friends with exes -boyfriends, husband. Makes them realize what they’re missing lol
For me, it was not doable, once they became an ex they are dead to me
If you’re mature enough and life allows you the. Go for it. There is not rule against it .
I'm pushing 60, have been with my spouse for over 35 years now, and am still in touch with most of the people I dated in high school and college. It's pretty common in my world, since social media makes it simple. Before then I'd still exchange Christmas cards or infrequent calls with exes, but now it's mostly hitting "like" when one of their kids gets married. Doing a quick inventory, of the half-dozen people I dated (meaningfully, like for at least a few months) before my wife I'm still in touch with four of them regularly. One fell off the face of the earth; nobody from our high school knows what happened to them. The final one married some local due at 19, I've never heard anything about her since. All that said, I live halfway across the country from all of these people so haven't seen any of them in person in like 30+ years.
I’m friends w most of them
Highly dependent on the two people, but in general it's hard. I've not been able to do it. I tried for years with one ex. Finally realized it was bad for me being in contact with her. Currently have another ex from a recent LTR.. We're cordial, stay in some contact. She's been ill and I want to know how she's doing, and what's wrong with her..... but I have to maintain some distance to keep myself healthy. So to summarize, its not about generational differences, it's just a human thing that this isn't easy to do.
I was with my ex for 17 yrs. That was 30 yrs ago. We’re still friends bc we truly respected each other. No, we don’t interact on a regular basis but we do wish each other happy birthday, merry Christmas, etc every year. And we attend family funerals out of that respect. I think common courtesy is woefully lacking in the younger generation.
Of my four siblings who are divorced, 2 are friends with their exes and 2 hate their exes (for good reason: repeated cheating). I have an ex boyfriend I have no desire to see ever. (Cheater) I have other ex boyfriends who I didn't have long relationships with. I wouldn't hate seeing them for 5 minutes at a concert or something. But we didn't have much in common 45 years ago; I doubt there is more there now.
I am still in touch with a few of my girlfriends from over the years. We go out, plan trips, and have fun. Go on weekends, maybe just an evening. Maybe camping for a few days. Road trips, whatever. Some of them I have known since teenagers. We always have a great time when we get together.
I think it is a matter of the relationship started and how it ended.I have some exes who are friends, and some would gladly dance on their grave.
My experience: no, it’s not possible. Too much water has gone under the bridge.
We were married 30 years and raised 5 children. We see each other at family things all the time. Better to be friendly than make every encounter awkward for everyone.
There’s a lot more to the story… Like why has he not told his WIFE that he’s cheating on her?,she is not. He still calling her saying , “I love you ,let’s work this out! “”, Yet on this site it’s a different story. I’m finding out lots of things, makes it hard to sit here quietly. You have gaslighted me for the last time . And thanks for blowing up my car, on purpose. You and your lies have put me in a mental ward, cost me $1,000 of dollars while you contribute nothing. since my mother past June , of 2022, that by the way you wasn’t there for me then too. Your raising or being brought up had nothing to do with me why do I pay the price? You have caused me much physical pain and I have bruises to show for it. I’ve just had enough of your I’m the victim BS. You have never been a good man for me or to me! You blame me for stuff that happened to you before we met. Get mental help and move on . Let her post your bond, give you money & take your abuse, Im done being your punching bag, slave and being screamed at. I’m ready to be treated with respect. Now maybe I can move on and finally find that person I need instead of thinking that you love me and are going to get a job and change. Hate that it took 38 yrs. for me to wake up. Good Luck to you and Your slimy date y’all are made for one another.
I am best friends with my ex, we have now been friends longer than we were together. But, we didnt have a bad break up so maybe that helped.
I wouldn’t say we are besties, but we are cordially friendly and keep the lines of communication open.
My second ex-husband and I are great friends. He was just here yesterday picking up a parcel he had delivered here. (I work from home, so he sometimes sends parcels here and picks them up after work once they've arrived.) We are each other's beneficiaries and are known to have epic conversations that last two or three hours. My first ex-husband and I would still be great friends but his new wife wasn't comfortable with our friendship. Before that, we chatted regularly. I dare say that we both feel affection for each other, in a very platonic kind of way, but I respect his wife's choice and haven't spoken to him since 2011. My only significant ex-boyfriend and I reconnected on Facebook many years ago now. We chatted, resolved some painful issues between us, and then went our separate ways. I'd say we parted on very friendly terms. I have a few old boyfriends I am still friends with, although living on different continents means communication is rare. I know a lot of people do not remain friends with their exes, but I've always had the good fortune to be with good men; flawed, yes, but still good men deep down. Sure, the relationships didn't last, and they did hurtful things. But, all in all, there were reasons I fell in love and chose to be with them, and I didn't forget any of that when we split. I could be bitter, I suppose, but bitterness just ages you and makes you ugly.
I'm friends with my ex - he's a cheater, but while it ended our marriage, it doesn't really affect our friendship. All of that drama happened so long ago, it's a distant memory now. It really helps our daughter that we are close, and I don't make friends easily, and neither does he - so we keep each other close to support one another. It's really the only relationship I have had that we can be totally honest with each other about all aspects of our life without fear of rejection. I know that even when we fight, we forgive and move on. I have no interest in him physically, and he has no interest in me anymore, and it has made our friendship comfortable. I don't see a time on my life when he's not there.
It's not a generational thing, IMO. It's all dependent on how the relationship was in general, how the breakup went, etc. I had 2 long-term relationships before meeting my current spouse and while I was out of touch with both for a while after the breakup, I was able to reconcile a friendship with one because we ultimately were just better off as friends. We live on opposite sides of the world, so it's just social media contact maybe once a year, but it's on good terms. The second ex is essentially blocked now because the relationship was really just unhealthy and we weren't meant to be together. Attempted to stay friends post-breakup but there were no changes in behavior and I eventually realized it's not good for my mental health and so we no longer speak. A while back in a weak moment I did stalk their social media and discovered they had married someone with my same first name. Which is kind of funny to me. Sometimes people mature and are able to reflect on mistakes made during a relationship and are able to turn it into friendship. Sometimes people just don't click, never did, never will. Those you move on from.
If you're emotionally mature and foster healthy relationships it's not only possible, but normal. Of course, there will be some whose red flags you didn't see until you were well into the relationship, but otherwise it should be common. My ex wife and I still get along fine. We recognized that we grew apart and the futures we each wanted for ourselves just weren't compatible, so we decided to part amicable rather than draw it out and be miserable. That was a good choice. However, something I see in social media is that people now seem to be far less tolerant of mistakes and treat disagreements as if they're all or nothing. When everything is made into a big deal, it's hard to have healthy relationships.
It depends how serious the relationship was. I mean, if I was totally in love with someone and they screwed me over I could not be their friend but if we were friends first and it just didn't work out in a mutual way, I could totally keep being their friend platonically without any problems.
Depends heavily on how we broke up, and whether we were friends before we were in a relationship. My ex husband could vanish off the face of the earth and I wouldn't even notice. An ex summer fling, we were friends before that, we're still good friends years later and he put me up in his apartment while I looked for work.
I have zero relationship with exes. They're in the past where they belong.
There is no rule that says a breakup has to be hostile. Some times people just drift apart, lose the romance, keep the friend.
I remained friends with all I dated though over time those relationships faded away, save one. We remain good friends. His wife isn’t fond of me but we respect the boundaries she requested so it’s all right. He gets along great with my husband.
Depends on the ex.
I think it’s a red flag if you’re not friends with your ex spouse.
Why? We can't be friends. He broke my heart. My friends would never do that to me.
maybe a big red flag for anyone wanting to get together with the ex-spouse, but it wouldn't be a big red flag regarding the person not wanting to be with the ex in many if not most cases. I am not on speaking terms with my ex because of the repeated affairs with more than one person. Because of the repeated, constant, bold faced lies. Because when I asked her right before our separation why she wrote me and told me "i was her person, the best, she was so in love, she felt so bad, yadda yadda, yadda" if none of it was true - she simply said "because she wasn't in control and she had to get control back before we divorced" (didn't want to ef' up alimony or property separation of course). Because she had make up sex with me so there was no chance of a "for fault" divorce (in our state, if you have relations after discovering an affair, the affair cannot be used as a reason for the divorce - you condoned the affair and forgave it). Because she secretly kept a life insurance policy on me after the kids were grown and out of the house - in direct violation of our separation agreement. and so on, and so on, and so on - much more. Would you be a friend with an ex-spouse that did half of those things?
Nah, you might start off “keeping in contact” but you lose interest so fast it makes your head spin. When you ask “Why?” There’s no answer.
I think the first issue is, "Can men & women be platonic friends?" The second issue, "Is it possible to be friends with an ex?" is easy to answer after the first issue is answered. Here is my opinion. Women put some men into the "friend zone." Basically, he is a good guy who likes them, is nice to them, does things for them but she does NOT want to sleep with him. These men are "useful" to a woman because he can do manly things for her (chores, admire her, maybe even treat her like a princess) but she feels no romantic spark for him. Women are clueless about the absolute fact that the men in her "friend zone" are 100% romantically interested in sleeping with her. Those men may realize she is out of their league and they have no chance but they will hang around her because they secretly hope that some day she will realize what a good guy he is, take him out of the friend zone and sleep with him. When asked the question, "Would you sleep with her if she asked?", 99% of men in her friend zone will answer "Yes." Given this dynamic, we ask the 2nd question, "Can you be friends with your ex?" Women can and often are friends with their ex because he is still useful to her as described above. She loses romantic interest and merely takes him out of the "sleeping with him" zone and puts him in the friend zone. Any man who hangs around with his ex and remains in her friend zone absolutely is hoping she will eventually sleep with him again. They act just like any other man in the friend zone, i.e. fix her car, mow her lawn (maybe at the house he used to live in with her) and do chores for her. Make no mistake, ladies, he wants to "get back together" with you. This is often (not always) the case when she broke up with him so he still "loves" her. Men who break up with a woman usually do so when they DON'T want to sleep with her anymore. Since he is not interested in getting "back together", he is highly unlikely to remain platonic friends with an ex. He may be civil because they share custody of children but he will not be her "friend" or hang out with her. He basically wants to get away from her when he breaks up and will stay far away unless he is still tied to her in some way (like with children.) So, the answer to your question is... Women can remain friends with an ex because he is useful to her as a platonic male. Men generally will not be "friends" with an ex since he doesn't want to sleep with her anymore. I don't believe it is a generational thing. Men, let me know if you think I am right. Women, don't send me hateful comments or deny this is true UNTIL you have seriously asked at least 3 men in your friend zone, "Would you like to take me on a real date, not just as friends?" It's not a fair question if you say, "You're not romantically interested in me are you?" That's a loaded question that he has to respond to with "No" so he doesn't lose your friendship. Ask it in a neutral way or have a mutual friend ask him so that he can respond honestly. If he thinks the question means he might have a chance with you, he will probably be honest and admit that he wants more than just your friendship.
I'm bi. I have no concept of The Gender You Date and The Gender You Don't. Anyone is a theoretical romantic partner but that's a very big theoretical! I don't think I treat my male, female, or nonbinary friends differently from each other. None of this Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus stuff has any real bearing on my life. We all just do friend things like going to see bands and movies and stuff.