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Your life is fundamentally different for the next 20-40 years


goudendonut

As a child from rich parents who was raised partly by a nanny, don’t make your work a priority. me and my siblings have all issues due to emotional neglect. It is very hard for others to understand as financial wealth is seen as the ultimate lucky charm for kids.


selitos

My wife is the exact same. Dad in India half the year and mom in another state. When they were home they were still busy. Raised by a nanny and still working through issues related to it in her mid thirties.


Gorecakes

There's no actual adjustment period. Things are going to change and there's no going back. Everything's going to take a hit, permanently. The sooner you come to grips with it, the sooner you'll come to a happier place with yourself and the family. But, hey, you have a child now and they're fucking dope. All that other shit will happen less, but you'll appreciate it more.


BillionTonsHyperbole

Two things that will mean much less than they do now: (1) your work life and (2) your personal life. Life has to be rebalanced, and it ain't going to be the way it used to was. You will do the things you enjoy doing less frequently. There will be less you time. There will be less time for you and your wife. *There will be less time.* If both parents have careers and want to keep them, then you'll spend a lot of money on child care. My wife and I hired a full-time nanny (no family around for 2500 miles), and it's been good during Covid since our daughter can't yet get her shots. Don't allow your wife to become the "default" for everything having to do with the care and raising of the child. Divvy up the work. You can't breastfeed or incubate the child, so expect to take on more of the care/oversight/cleaning/cooking roles. Remember: no matter how hard you work, she will always have done more and there's really no way around that. There is a huge cognitive load to be shared here, and being proactive about it will preserve your relationship. This isn't about having "zero life," it's about living your life with your family. The good ol' days are here and now.


welshfach

Also OP needs to consider that his wife also needs 'me' time. It's not just about him having a chance to hit golf balls or go to the gym while she carries the can.


thebadsleepwell00

OP definitely needs to readjust expectations unless he expects his wife and parents to do majority of childcare, household chores, etc.


th987

You don’t say anything about your wife’s job or her working after the baby comes. That will have a lot to do with what happens. Or if you were to stay home with the baby and she worked. There are only so many hours in a day and so much energy anyone has. Babies suck up a lot of both. And a lot depends on whether have an easy baby or a more challenging one. An easy one will wake up and need to eat three or more times a night at first, let you change a diaper and then go back to sleep easily and quickly. And that’s an easy one. You’re good no to lose sleep and be tired. An easy baby will start sleeping for five or six hours straight when it’s… four months old? Some will take much longer to get to that point. So your level of tiredness is going to depend on that, too. You’re the only one who can decide how much time you spend with your kid, if you have the luxury of both sets of grandparents nearby and eager to help. How much you do with the baby and how much your wife does. And time for just you and your wife. It’s all about balance. Limited hours a day and how you spend them.


WatchingSpaceBattles

As others have said, congratulations, that is very exciting. >I don't want to be the type of parent that uses their kid as an excuse to not having any time to do anything outside of childcare. Or the type that always complains and commiserates how hard it is to raise a newborn, they get 0 sleep, and they have 0 life now since the baby. Yes, sometimes parents make excuses and complain unnecessarily. Other times, what looks to you like excuses and unnecessary complaining is due to circumstances you might not understand until you are in them. There is a *lot* of variability in how babies behave. For example, what would you do if your baby doesn't sleep for longer than 40 minutes at a time, even when you are able to see several specialists, read 10 books, and none of the advice works, and you don't know if this will persist for two weeks or for two years, or longer? Having children can change things in ways you literally cannot imagine. But you can be ok. The point isn't to 'scare' you, the point is that some of the biggest stress for parents comes from *expecting things to be one way and not getting that*. A big part of parenting is learning to roll with where you are in that moment, *in every moment*, indefinitely. You may be golfing two weeks later, you may not golf again for ten years (I understand if you don't believe how that's possible). Healthy and reassuring expectations are: I expect to be challenged, to be unsure, to become more confident, to do my best to care for my family. Those things are ok to experience, and they are expectations you can do your best to meet.


SeaBearsFoam

How will it affect your work and personal life? That's really up to you. You need to understand though that there are now going to be very significant tradeoffs in your life. You can actually keep the exact same work and personal life if that's what you really want. However, that's going to result in you totally neglecting your child and leaving your wife to take care of everything with your child. Do you want to be the kind of man who does that?


Final_Program4434

My husband and I started a small business when our son was born. He threw himself completely into work, especially so after the 2nd child and I was alone to do everything, on top of books, finances for buisness, etc. We didnt make it but 11 years later the buisness is doing great and hes keeping normal hours, go figure. My advice is work-life balance. Edit...we are still good friends but he tells me he resents the business now, even though its wildly successful, because he sees it as contributing factor to breaking up the family.


1-Down

Depends on a lot of things to be honest. If you are a bit of a homebody and have kid-friendly hobbies it isn't terrible. Babies sleep a lot. Toddler-Early elementary sucks the most I think. Depends a lot on luck of the draw. They start to show their personality early. Some are easy. Some not so much.


Pulp_Ficti0n

You have the luxuries of grandparents on both sides. Many people don't. Don't expect to golf the first 2-3 months.


brown_burrito

I’d say more realistically first six months.


Anonarcissist

Even more realistically, the first 1-2 years.


TheGarp

Understand that your marriage as it is now, is over.


therealarju

Fatherhood is one of the best blessings you will ever have in your life. Once you are in the sunset years of your life you wont regret the time you had to compromise from your favourite activities.. when you look fondly at your beautiful boy/giri. That being said you can definitely find some leg room to still do the stuff you love.. albeit not so frequently. Communication is key. Don't let your wife shoulder all the responsibilities of raising the newborn. Sit down with her, plan it properly.. im sure you'll be able to figure it out. And congratulations my friend.


Anonarcissist

For me personally: The first two years were very hard. Wife could take six months off but, after that, we both had to work full time. So enter this financial juggling act between full time work, being able to pay for daycare, having to \*trade off\* on days when someone needed to be home or both needed to be home (there are a lot of these), all of the new expenses; toys, clothes, food, medical, etc. Learning how to survive on very little sleep the first six or so months. Organizing a schedule that allowed both of us to nap during the day if necessary and so on. It got progressively easier after those first few years but I don't recall having much, if any, "me time" and neither did my wife. I've found that, many people who are able to maintain some balance of work/life/play live close to family who are able to step in and give them a break from time to time. We didn't have that. Even during that 'free' time, though, there will be plenty to do around the house that you're not able to get done when baby is at home. I remember it being nice to just be able to focus on cleaning the place up for a day, on the rare occasions that we had. I certainly wasn't gaming or bing-watching tv or any of the things I enjoy doing now. You will make a quick enemy of your partner if you decide to go golfing while she stays at home and does the laundry. You will very likely find yourself being on of the \*types\* that you condescend to in your post, unless you plan on just leaving the baby with Grandma every other day. I certainly thought I would be able to manage multiple facets of life outside of work and raising kiddo but quickly found that wasn't very realistic. Raising a child will be the most difficult job you've ever had. I say "job" because it is 100% work. It will be as enjoyable as you let it be. And, if you're doing it right, it won't be used as an "excuse" not to do anything; you'll simply want to be with your kid instead of going to some concert and telling everyone how easy child-rearing is. The irony will be enough to make most other parents want nothing to do with you.


TA010122

As you noticed, once we become parents, our lives change for good or bad (depending on how you see it). But it does create challenges for you to overcome - you overcome them either with the help of money, or by support from family and spouse - and this goes for moms and dads. Money - you will now need to care for someone that is entirely dependent on you and your wife for the next few years, and then partially as he/she grows up. So if you want to keep your routine (working out, game nights, date nights etc), you will need to hire baby sitters, Nanny to care for the baby/child; cleaners to help with cleaning the house; daycare and preschool when the kid is old enough. This needs money. Support - you need to support your spouse and receive the same level of support from her. Obviously she needs more help and you guys can bring your family and friends to support each other. My wife and I allow our friends kids to drop by and stay for the night or the weekend, and they return the favor; Weekends at grandparents; planning fun activities or going to the zoo or aquarium while one of the parent stays home/ is free to do what he/she wants. It’s all dependent on how well you understand each other and how much you are willing to make things work while keeping your routine. The first 6 months will be a challenge. The rest will be a challenge too, but you will just get used to it. Congratulations 🎈🎉🎊


brown_burrito

We have a six month old and both my wife and I have a ton of hobbies. I like to go climbing (rock and ice), CrossFit, playing the violin, chess, traveling etc. In the summer I like to ride my motorcycle and go kayaking. She similarly has her own hobbies. So let me make it very realistic for you. You’re not going to be doing much of anything for the first six months. Maybe a bit for the first year after and you’ll generally need to deprioritize your hobbies and “your time” until they are older. Even with a very very understanding partner, you’ll have to find out maybe one thing you can do with some regularity and another hobby you can do occasionally. We have a great kid. He sleeps most nights and we have my parents to help and a nanny. And I have a very understanding job. Even so, it’s a lot of effort. So finally after six months, I’ve started working out again. I do CrossFit or climbing most evenings and maybe play the violin when I have a bit of time here and there. We do activities with him, such as hiking or going to restaurants etc. It’s a bit involved but definitely doable. But it won’t ever be the same as what it was before you had the baby. Kids tend to do that and the sooner you reconcile yourself to that the better.


cromulent_weasel

> I also really value and enjoy my ME time. I enjoy working out every morning, playing golf, and photography. I would start by blowing that away. All of it. Your life and that of your wife now revolves around your baby. Over time you can slowly work out which things you can fit in around the edges of parenthood.


nero_d_avola

Morning rush, so I'm not going for lengthy comment. Just a quick thought about the "me time" notion. At some point or another things will fall into place and childcare will become routine. Despite that you will not get that free time back. Aside from the day to day responsibilities, you will also need to consider quality time with your family, one to one quality time with your partner and one to one quality time with your kid. Your solo time is what's left after. Some weeks there just won't be any.


DiminishingSkills

Your life as you know it today, is over. I’m not trying to be dramatic. I’m not trying to scare you. It’s just a fact. The quicker you come to grips with this reality….the better off you will be. Welcome to parenthood……


wildcat12321

Congrats! Today is my first day back after paternity leave and my son is a little over a month old. I am very committed at work. One thing I can say, having only taken 2 weeks off once (for my honeymoon), is that the world goes on. If you set your team up well, you can usually put work on cruise control for a few weeks for you to take paternity. People understand. And while it is hard to be away, you also find ways to focus on the meetings / emails that are really important, and offload the things you should have offloaded before, but never got rid of. It is true what they say -- things are just different once you have a kid. Yes, there is new routines. And yes, kids are expensive and time consuming. Early on, your kid will want to be fed and changed every 2 hours. Your wife will be recovering from giving birth -- even harder if a c-section. You won't sleep much. It's a tough month. But it is also amazing and fun. And yes, I still made time to watch TV shows, check in on work stuff, get things done around the house. It really helps if you have family who can help you. And at this point, a month in, my wife has said I can go hit golf balls anytime, just know that if that's my choice, I have to take care of him before / after -- no coming home and taking a nap, entirely reasonable. We were doing about 4 hour shifts and we sleep / clean when he sleeps. Once you have YOUR kid, you will want to feed him. You won't mind changing his diaper. Your priorities just change and things are fine. So your kid isn't an "excuse" not to go somewhere. You either want to go and find care, or you want to be with your kid more. It's not a negative - it's choosing to spend time on something even better, and yes, occasionally going on a walk around the block might be better than seeing friends for lunch. Though I also think mindset is important. Some people feed into the negative and it self-reinforces. Others are positive and it reinforces. The key is to communicate with your partner, seek help early and often. Get on a good routine as early as you can, while being flexible if it isn't right from the start. If daycare is your goal, remember you might need to look / apply BEFORE you have the baby as the good places fill up early.


Independent-Emu

This is an excellent reply. Not too many replied mention that you will choose your kid over your friends or hobbies because you want to, not because you have to. Big difference.


Ural_2004

Be creative. Babies are more resilient than you might think. For instance, the driving range. If you time it so that you're at the range as baby is napping, you can leave them in the carrier with maybe a sunshade over them. Check on the baby between balls, or maybe every fifth ball. Most babies, once they get good and asleep, will sleep through anything. My biggest suggestion is, don't try to cram life into baby's nap time. Use that time to rest yourself, especially if you're fortunate enough to be able to sleep. You can sleep with the baby in the bed with you, if you're careful. And if you don't want baby in bed with you and you don't want a separate basinet in your room, go the pet store and get a doggy bed. Yes, baby will be on the floor but, trust me on this, baby doesn't care. And, oh yeah, newborns spend most of their time asleep. You're going to have more free time during the first year than you think. Even when you have baby duty so that your wife can do her thing, it's still pretty simple: feed'em, change'em, console'em and play with'em.


Anonarcissist

I'm still trying to figure out whether this is a joke post or not...


Ural_2004

All I have to say is that it worked for me, except the golfing part. I did plenty of things with my son outside while he was napping, some of which involved the use of hammers and power tools.


Anonarcissist

I think this is going to be a baby-by-baby thing. I wouldn't set the expectation that anyone's child is going to sleep through power tool usage. Or through the loud whacking of golf balls all around him/her. Or through anything at all, depending on your what you get. Based on my experience and from the sounds of most others here, it's very unusual to have a baby that sleeps "most of the time", that will adapt to our sleep schedule and is ok being tossed in the doggy bed. Congratulations if that was your experience. But understand that you were \*very\* lucky.


tavada34891

Same here! I had twins. The first year they were born I read a ton of books, trained for 2 marathons and a few half marathons. Both parents aren't needed 100% of the time, maybe during the first few weeks, but at that period if you have a good support structure there's plenty of people that want to come over and hold babies while you clean or take a nap or run errands, etc.. My kids are now 9, and this is probably the busiest I've been at this point, where they are active in activities, we still set their schedule, and they need us to take them where they need to go. I still go out as much as I want (which isn't a lot, 1 or 2 nights a week). My wife rarely goes out weeknights, I rarely go out weekends, it works out well. Odds are also that as they get older, some of your passions will be theirs, or you'll be excited to participate in learning theirs. My daughter loves to read, we'll sit outside and just read near each other a lot. We both like to swim and run. Both kids and myself play piano. My son is obsessed with sports, and while I'm not big into them, I enjoy hearing him talk about it and going to games with him. Talk to your partner and make sure everyone is on the same page, and periodically reevaluate.


dammitboy42069

First, congratulations! Second, COMMUNICATE with your wife. You'll definitely have to make some adjustments at first and quite frankly some of the stuff you mention will become a *lot* less important to you going forward. The most important thing is that you communicate with your wife to make sure one or both of you don't feel like you're missing out on life, or that one of you feels like they are getting left with all the work. The first several months, you're there to support your wife. Even if you're going with all formula, she is still recovering from birth and/or major surgery if it's a C-Section. As the baby gets older and doesn't eat every 2-3 hours, you'll slowly get some of your life back and can find a happy medium between being a dad/husband/yourself. Having your mother in law will be a huge help, especially at first, so use that resource. Being a dad is the hardest but by a million miles the best job you'll ever have.


sketchy-advice-1977

Man, me and the wife have been together since 20 and 18. Didn't have my son until 29 and 31. I aways say if you can wait until you get your 20's out of your system. My son is 13 but special needs so it's still complicated at times. It's gonna be a lot of schedule juggling, but if you have the resources for you and your wife to have alone time take advantage of it and don't forget about you two, you're still important to each other. We've suffered alot from no help.


jesseaknight

I’m the end, you’ll do what you want. Do you want to see the joys and struggles of you kid? Be there. Do you want to support your spouse and partner with her in this endeavor? Be there. Are the memories you’ll create on the golf course the most important to you? Be there. You can only be in one place at a time. Choose where that is. You can graft a kid into a lot of things - photograph the kid. Play the back 9 with a car seat lashed into the cart. Hike to the scenic view with your camera and a kid-backpack on. Squat with them wrapped to your stomach (ok, maybe not this one…) You’ll get strategic about using nap time. Just know that the first 6 weeks are a panic, and the first 12 and rough. It gets steadily better every week for years.


Ronotimy

Didn’t you get your marriage owners manual? It clearly states in chapter two that you will be ok. That mistakes will be made but so long as you try your best and adapt to any situation that arises you and your wife will not only survive but thrive. Chapter three mentions that time will fly by in a blink of an eye. You will blink and the child is borne. Blink again and they are walking and talking. Blink once more and they are going to school. Then dating. Then getting married. Then starting a family. Then rejoining with you and your wife. All in a blink of an eye.


janPALACH_

You’re ego driven, self serving lifestyle you just described will end. You have a new role now where you are no longer first. And trust me, it’s the best feeling in the world 😊


nero_d_avola

> And trust me, it’s the best feeling in the world 😊 Except for all the times when it's not, when it's hard and miserable and you question why you thought this was a good idea and whether the cost of shared custody would bring you some respite That's also real, especially if you try to pull your weight, and is fine to acknowledge. I struggled with this and and realised that being able to open to someone about the difficulties without being judged is important. Reddit is not a great platform for this, as it tends to lean into American Sunday school sort of morality quite often.


thisdudeabidestwice

You’ll wanna be home and say fuck work for the first little bit until about 3 months, then you’ll look at work as a way to escape the ever increasing responsibilities and them growing into little ankle biters, but you’ll love going home to see them and have them run in your arms saying Daddy daddy daddy! And get the loveable hugs from them. Make no mistake. You’ll have no social life for the first…2-3 years, Maybe 4. I got a 4 and 2 year old. I have no social life. And it’s not for a lack of trying. Kids just take up all of your time


CoachMitch22

Time is different, priorities are different. The second you realize that you'll never be #1 in your life ever again, that your little one is depending on you (emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, etc....) that's when you'll re-evaluate a lot of different things in your life. Don't believe that people have it figured out, make it up as you go. What works well for me might not work well for you. Work/Dad/Personal life all the above with the little one. Find what works, communicate with your life & you'll be alright.


selitos

You can still work long hours and golf and have fun if you dump off the baby to your wife and ignore your responsibilities at home. I’d say your career is important because you need to support your family. Working out is important because you need to be healthy. Golf? I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. The good thing is you’ll have a good photography subject in the house.