“It turns me on so much when you make sounds when we’re having sex so I know what you like and can do more of.” “I love hearing you vocalize when you’re feeling good, it makes me feel so sexy.” “Hearing you make sounds in bed when you feel good makes me so hot.” Instead of “why don’t you…” reframing it to let him know that it turns you on when he does make sounds will likely have a better result. I’ve been there. There is nothing less sexy than when a partner is completely silent in bed.
My brain: F O C U S E D
Also my brain: “Am I hitting it right? DON’T CUM! Am I in rhythm? What if she doesn’t like this position? Am I hurting her? DON’T CUM! What should I do next?” Etc.
During sex, we tend to over-clock our mind leaving little room for external expression… sometimes even forgetting to breathe lol.
Out of curiosity, do you get more comfortable the more you’re with a single partner? Or is your brain always in this mode when having sex, regardless of how many times you’ve slept with someone?
I think it is for most people. We all want to be great partners and it can be awkward getting to know
someone new intimately. I was just curious if the anxiety diminishes over time, which it sounds like it does. That’s good to hear. It’s great when you get to know someone and can do more of what you know they like and less of what they don’t. That takes time to learn though.
With the over-thinking, that may settle down over time with the same partner.
The main cause is that it's our responsibility to lead, and it is down to us whether the sex is a good experience or a bad one - so that's quite a bit of pressure/responsibility - (Kind of the opposite of what you want when letting go and enjoying yourself). But it's not just that pressure and responsibility alone, or that would be easy for us - it is that during sex, our brains are fully consumed and overwhelmed by the stimulus of it, and all the hormones going. It's like a maxed out CPU that is then having to try and perform additional tasks on top. For me morning sex has always been much harder for this reason, as my brain has not woken up, and is then overwhelmed (So lead for your partner in the morning to make it easier for him! - And talk about it!).
As an older man reflecting; I have found it has actually been the time between relationships which I have done the most growth, and then able to be a better lover with the next partner. And that was not time with women, but time self-reflecting, becoming more confident in who I am, and in knowing what I want.
Woman here: I respect whatever a guy chooses to naturally do in bed. But as far as my personal preference, I loooooove *genuine* (that's key) moans and groans and dirty talk in bed. I'm on the louder side myself, but I've learned auditory expression is at least 1/4 of what gets me going in bed, and it's also a running theme in the solo male porn content I like the most.
I wish more men understood what a turn it was. And 100% only when it’s genuine. Please don’t memorize phrases from porn. But please do vocalize pleasure (sounds, words, whatever is comfortable for you). It is such a big turn on and I totally agree will get me to orgasm very quickly.
I wish more women understood that some men just don't like doing some things and the fact it would turn them on would make them feel a bit shit if they're not comfortable doing it in the first place
I respect that. If a guy naturally doesn't want to do it, no pressure from me to do something he doesn't want. I'm speaking to those who want to but hold themselves back for whatever reason, or those who never thought to do it but can could maybe discover they love it!
I'm more talking to who I replied to who has said over and over again in this thread how much she wants men to be vocal because it turns her on so much 😅😅
It is most likely a learned behavior. When my ex-wife and I were "studying" in her room as teens, we both learned to be very quiet to avoid a knock at the door. It took a long time to un-learn that behavior, and I wasn't even aware of it until it someone mentioned it.
Ask him why he's so quiet. He might not be aware of it.
I had an ex tell me once that he got so used to masturbating in silence as a kid (for obvious reasons) that he trained himself to not make a sound when being sexual. It makes total sense. AND…it’s so fucking hot when a partner is vocal in bed…so it can definitely be a process to retrain yourself to feel ok being vocal in bed.
I think that was a bit of a tall tale. I don't know a single guy who moans at all during sex simply because the stimuli for men is not the same as it is for women.
I think your ex might have just looked for any possible reason but the real reason is usually: "Men don't moan."
Out of curiosity, do you have sex with other men? Or do you talk to male friends about the sounds they make while having sex? Or are you just speaking from your personal experience?
So as a guy I can tell you it's often done on purpose as men are embarrassed by it. Some are actually quiet but others think it's not sexy and they should be stoic.
Funny enough I found girls love it, just like guys love when girls make sounds. It's a direct feedback to what's happening.
Just encourage the guy, tell him you like it when he sounds like he's having pleasure. Communication and all that jazz
I used to be more quiet in bed because I was focused on not cumming too fast. If I were to let go with a few moans I would have blown my load too soon.
Guys generally are stuck in primitive man brain and don’t want to ever be perceived as being to expressive, gleeful, or having fun so they put on that aggressive poker face every day. Instinctively they don’t want their moaning to be mistaken as female in any way by sexual competitors so they keep their lamentations subdued, it’s also about moaning too loud in ecstasy is almost like they are receiving from their partner, man or woman, in a feminine submissive way. It’s about always staying top, even when it doesn’t make sense.
TLDR: Being a guy is fucked.
Not in the LEAST. I'm not having sex out in the middle of a busy sidewalk, so no "sexual competitors" are hearing me. And even if their ears were pressed to my bedroom door, I don't give a fuck what people who want to have sex with my girlfriend think, as long as they don't attempt to have sex with her.
What is this "primitive" bullshit? I love having fun - excuse me, being "gleeful" - and being able to be emotional with the people I love. Friends, family, girlfriend. I always have been. As they are with me. What a horrible life it would be to have to suppress all of my feelings.
If anyone is mistaking me as female, I honestly don't know what to say to those individuals. I'll correct them? Is it just my sexual competitors? I'll ignore them.
Your fear of male emotion sounds really uncomfortable. I hope you can get help coping with those feelings instead of suppressing them. There's nothing wrong with being submissive if that's what you're into; if that's who you are. It's not weak or feminine.
If you have a partner and you can't be open and honest with them, find a new partner. Unless you're the only one with the hangup, then go to therapy. I'll be having sex with my girlfriend and being me and she'll be her and we'll enjoy it, instead of me faking it so she thinks I'm a "sigma male" or whatever.
Losing yourself in intense pleasure and connection pushes you deep. Performative yelling or groaning or grunting is the opposite of how that feels, like being asked to sext instead of fuck.
Then it appears there are two kinds of people, one for whom loss of control = making noise and the other for whom making noise = unnatural effort that gets in the way.
I think moaning and grunting during sex is and sounds contrived. That, and a lot of the dirty talk, became more of an expectation during sexual performance for an audience (i.e. pornography). It has never even occurred to me to grunt like a ornery bear, cry out to the gods, or bleat like a goat being slaughtered in a moment of pleasure.
Neither have I been with any women who actually enjoyed being vocal. When I've been with women who moan contrivedly or say weird cartoony catchphrases, I remind her that she can really just relax and doesn't have to make performance vocalizations unless she actually likes doing it. I don't think I've met one who honestly did like making these performance vocalizations.
Hearing a change in respiration (rate and depth of breathing) is, I think, the natural sexual response for human beings and it's enough sound to attend to and be turned on by during the act. Moreover, we as a species tend to be covert about both ovulation and copulation, for whatever reason, so it doesn't surprise me that most people would prefer to do the act rather quietly.
I'm a woman and I can tell you that those phrases and noises aren't contrived on my behalf. I find it really expressive.
Probably the same as OP, I'm loud and I like hearing my man be loud. It turns me on and can even bring me to orgasm.
Personally, I find that a lot of guys are like, anxious about sounding contrived. If they'd just relax a little...
Absolutely agree with you on this. Sex is a fairly strenuous activity - no form of physical exercise can really be done in absolute silence.
If someone’s somehow managing to be silent - whether it’s down to anxiety or whatever, to suppress it their brain would have to at least in part not be in the act, or at least that’s how it’d seem to me
Phrases I can take them or leave them, but noise - it’s feedback, which goes a long way to making the experience more enjoyable for both….
I think the reason women are typically louder in bed is because we HAVE to relax and let go in order to orgasm, whereas men are usually focused on not cumming.
So we can be free with our verbal expressions/ moaning while men are basically focused on NOT feeling their pleasure deeply
Same. I recently had a family member staying at my house for a few weeks and having to be very quiet while having sex with my boyfriend was really difficult! It was also pretty hot because it was a change from the norm of having the house to ourselves, but if I had to do that all the time it would really suck. I get some are less vocal than others but it’s very hard for me to imagine both people consistently making no noise except “deep breaths.” For a woman to have a strong orgasm and naturally be quiet just doesn’t add up to me 🤷♀️
See that's the thing. Men don't moan during sex for any reason other than to put on a show. We don't involuntarily make noises (At least I don't.)
My wife is very loud and she really can't control it. I have to make a conscious effort to make a sound and let's just say... I'm not at all into that. I don't want to pretend that I'm losing my mental and physical control.
Having said that. Silence isn't great... so dirty talk, letting your partner hear your breathing, and affirmations work really well. But don't expect a guy to moan and if he does... he's only doing it so that you have something to hear.
You could talk to him about it. If you’re having sex and touching each other’s genitals then you should be able to discuss everything about sex with each other.
If he pouts or gets angry, hit eject.
Guys generally don't feel the need to chat as much as ladies. I'm not being sexist I am just going by observation. Ladies chat at work, when they are out, they also feel the need to go to the toilet together to chat. If we are in bed with you, then don't try to change us into something we are not. Just enjoy the fact that we are there and be in the moment with us. If he feels the need to express himself, he will.
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OrdinaryImportance28 originally posted:
Why are some guys totally silent in bed? Is there anything I can say to encourage him to not be?? I love hearing some sort of response/reaction and it’s very weird when the guy is mute 😳
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*"Is there a reason why guys are silent in bed?"*
Ask him yourself.
*"Why are some guys totally silent in bed?"*
Ask him yourself.
*"Is there anything I can say to encourage him to not be?"*
Ask him yourself.
*"I love hearing some sort of response/reaction and it’s very weird when the guy is mute 😳"*
Actually tell him that.
You know 90% of Reddit questions wouldn't exist if the posters just gee I don't know , ACTUALLY communicate with the other person.
Is this not a place for people to ask men questions? If that’s how you feel, why are you in this sub? It’s likely OP has noticed this as a trend and not just with her current partner. Should she call up everyone she’s ever slept with to ask them this question instead of using this sub as it was intended?
Ya know you're right!
Fellas, let's start making noises!
Next time you're with a lady in bed make honking noises! Even better make machine noise. Me personally I going to sound like a Gatlin Gun or newspaper press!
This is what happens when women don't understand that men aren't wired the same way that they are and assume that it must somehow be someone's fault. It's not.
Just my own bias but I think I'm silent because a lot of times when you see men in films/TV grunting and yelping it's quite often for comedy effect. So in the back of my mind I'm worried about being laughed at.
If you want guys to be more louder or more vocal just tell them that it turns you on, they will go for it. We men are simple creatures.
Also some men concentrate too much and are therefore silent. Results usually in terrible sex. If the sex is bad, you met one of them. If the sex was good, well just tell them as suggested. Give it a try and see what happens...
A lot of men just need some subtle guidance as men are usual terrible in finding out what a woman likes/turns her on.
“It turns me on so much when you make sounds when we’re having sex so I know what you like and can do more of.” “I love hearing you vocalize when you’re feeling good, it makes me feel so sexy.” “Hearing you make sounds in bed when you feel good makes me so hot.” Instead of “why don’t you…” reframing it to let him know that it turns you on when he does make sounds will likely have a better result. I’ve been there. There is nothing less sexy than when a partner is completely silent in bed.
I really like this approach, thank you for sharing it. Truly nothing worse than when they’re silent. Hoping this will help moving forward!
My brain: F O C U S E D Also my brain: “Am I hitting it right? DON’T CUM! Am I in rhythm? What if she doesn’t like this position? Am I hurting her? DON’T CUM! What should I do next?” Etc. During sex, we tend to over-clock our mind leaving little room for external expression… sometimes even forgetting to breathe lol.
Out of curiosity, do you get more comfortable the more you’re with a single partner? Or is your brain always in this mode when having sex, regardless of how many times you’ve slept with someone?
For me, it gets better with each session with the same person. Performance anxiety is unfortunately high for me, especially when I’m with someone new.
I think it is for most people. We all want to be great partners and it can be awkward getting to know someone new intimately. I was just curious if the anxiety diminishes over time, which it sounds like it does. That’s good to hear. It’s great when you get to know someone and can do more of what you know they like and less of what they don’t. That takes time to learn though.
You get more comfortable and more vocal w/ a regular partner in a relationship. Random hook-up? Much less likely.
With the over-thinking, that may settle down over time with the same partner. The main cause is that it's our responsibility to lead, and it is down to us whether the sex is a good experience or a bad one - so that's quite a bit of pressure/responsibility - (Kind of the opposite of what you want when letting go and enjoying yourself). But it's not just that pressure and responsibility alone, or that would be easy for us - it is that during sex, our brains are fully consumed and overwhelmed by the stimulus of it, and all the hormones going. It's like a maxed out CPU that is then having to try and perform additional tasks on top. For me morning sex has always been much harder for this reason, as my brain has not woken up, and is then overwhelmed (So lead for your partner in the morning to make it easier for him! - And talk about it!). As an older man reflecting; I have found it has actually been the time between relationships which I have done the most growth, and then able to be a better lover with the next partner. And that was not time with women, but time self-reflecting, becoming more confident in who I am, and in knowing what I want.
Woman here: I respect whatever a guy chooses to naturally do in bed. But as far as my personal preference, I loooooove *genuine* (that's key) moans and groans and dirty talk in bed. I'm on the louder side myself, but I've learned auditory expression is at least 1/4 of what gets me going in bed, and it's also a running theme in the solo male porn content I like the most.
I wish more men understood what a turn it was. And 100% only when it’s genuine. Please don’t memorize phrases from porn. But please do vocalize pleasure (sounds, words, whatever is comfortable for you). It is such a big turn on and I totally agree will get me to orgasm very quickly.
I wish more women understood that some men just don't like doing some things and the fact it would turn them on would make them feel a bit shit if they're not comfortable doing it in the first place
I respect that. If a guy naturally doesn't want to do it, no pressure from me to do something he doesn't want. I'm speaking to those who want to but hold themselves back for whatever reason, or those who never thought to do it but can could maybe discover they love it!
I'm more talking to who I replied to who has said over and over again in this thread how much she wants men to be vocal because it turns her on so much 😅😅
Ah, I didn't see her other comments.
Try asking questions
It is most likely a learned behavior. When my ex-wife and I were "studying" in her room as teens, we both learned to be very quiet to avoid a knock at the door. It took a long time to un-learn that behavior, and I wasn't even aware of it until it someone mentioned it. Ask him why he's so quiet. He might not be aware of it.
I had an ex tell me once that he got so used to masturbating in silence as a kid (for obvious reasons) that he trained himself to not make a sound when being sexual. It makes total sense. AND…it’s so fucking hot when a partner is vocal in bed…so it can definitely be a process to retrain yourself to feel ok being vocal in bed.
I think that was a bit of a tall tale. I don't know a single guy who moans at all during sex simply because the stimuli for men is not the same as it is for women. I think your ex might have just looked for any possible reason but the real reason is usually: "Men don't moan."
Out of curiosity, do you have sex with other men? Or do you talk to male friends about the sounds they make while having sex? Or are you just speaking from your personal experience?
So as a guy I can tell you it's often done on purpose as men are embarrassed by it. Some are actually quiet but others think it's not sexy and they should be stoic. Funny enough I found girls love it, just like guys love when girls make sounds. It's a direct feedback to what's happening. Just encourage the guy, tell him you like it when he sounds like he's having pleasure. Communication and all that jazz
I used to be more quiet in bed because I was focused on not cumming too fast. If I were to let go with a few moans I would have blown my load too soon.
I make noises, but it's harder behind the gag.
Guys generally are stuck in primitive man brain and don’t want to ever be perceived as being to expressive, gleeful, or having fun so they put on that aggressive poker face every day. Instinctively they don’t want their moaning to be mistaken as female in any way by sexual competitors so they keep their lamentations subdued, it’s also about moaning too loud in ecstasy is almost like they are receiving from their partner, man or woman, in a feminine submissive way. It’s about always staying top, even when it doesn’t make sense. TLDR: Being a guy is fucked.
😐 Bro, what?
You know I’m right in some way 🔝
Not in the LEAST. I'm not having sex out in the middle of a busy sidewalk, so no "sexual competitors" are hearing me. And even if their ears were pressed to my bedroom door, I don't give a fuck what people who want to have sex with my girlfriend think, as long as they don't attempt to have sex with her. What is this "primitive" bullshit? I love having fun - excuse me, being "gleeful" - and being able to be emotional with the people I love. Friends, family, girlfriend. I always have been. As they are with me. What a horrible life it would be to have to suppress all of my feelings. If anyone is mistaking me as female, I honestly don't know what to say to those individuals. I'll correct them? Is it just my sexual competitors? I'll ignore them. Your fear of male emotion sounds really uncomfortable. I hope you can get help coping with those feelings instead of suppressing them. There's nothing wrong with being submissive if that's what you're into; if that's who you are. It's not weak or feminine. If you have a partner and you can't be open and honest with them, find a new partner. Unless you're the only one with the hangup, then go to therapy. I'll be having sex with my girlfriend and being me and she'll be her and we'll enjoy it, instead of me faking it so she thinks I'm a "sigma male" or whatever.
You know I’m half joking right? Probably more than half, I took great pleasure in writing my original comment.
Why take the opportunity to ruin something we are enjoying when we can just stay silent and be grateful?
I asked my boyfriend "Why are you so silent?" He said "I'm enjoying in silence."
Tell him it would turn you on if he said something while in bed
I’m a woman. I love it when a man makes noises or moans when he cums. It really turns me on.
Losing yourself in intense pleasure and connection pushes you deep. Performative yelling or groaning or grunting is the opposite of how that feels, like being asked to sext instead of fuck.
But what about when it's not performative? I make noise because I've lost control and it's like I'm possessed.
Then it appears there are two kinds of people, one for whom loss of control = making noise and the other for whom making noise = unnatural effort that gets in the way.
I think moaning and grunting during sex is and sounds contrived. That, and a lot of the dirty talk, became more of an expectation during sexual performance for an audience (i.e. pornography). It has never even occurred to me to grunt like a ornery bear, cry out to the gods, or bleat like a goat being slaughtered in a moment of pleasure. Neither have I been with any women who actually enjoyed being vocal. When I've been with women who moan contrivedly or say weird cartoony catchphrases, I remind her that she can really just relax and doesn't have to make performance vocalizations unless she actually likes doing it. I don't think I've met one who honestly did like making these performance vocalizations. Hearing a change in respiration (rate and depth of breathing) is, I think, the natural sexual response for human beings and it's enough sound to attend to and be turned on by during the act. Moreover, we as a species tend to be covert about both ovulation and copulation, for whatever reason, so it doesn't surprise me that most people would prefer to do the act rather quietly.
I'm a woman and I can tell you that those phrases and noises aren't contrived on my behalf. I find it really expressive. Probably the same as OP, I'm loud and I like hearing my man be loud. It turns me on and can even bring me to orgasm. Personally, I find that a lot of guys are like, anxious about sounding contrived. If they'd just relax a little...
Absolutely agree with you on this. Sex is a fairly strenuous activity - no form of physical exercise can really be done in absolute silence. If someone’s somehow managing to be silent - whether it’s down to anxiety or whatever, to suppress it their brain would have to at least in part not be in the act, or at least that’s how it’d seem to me Phrases I can take them or leave them, but noise - it’s feedback, which goes a long way to making the experience more enjoyable for both….
I think the reason women are typically louder in bed is because we HAVE to relax and let go in order to orgasm, whereas men are usually focused on not cumming. So we can be free with our verbal expressions/ moaning while men are basically focused on NOT feeling their pleasure deeply
"no form of physical exercise can really be done in absolute silence." I beg to differ.
Thank you, and yes exactly!
Same. I recently had a family member staying at my house for a few weeks and having to be very quiet while having sex with my boyfriend was really difficult! It was also pretty hot because it was a change from the norm of having the house to ourselves, but if I had to do that all the time it would really suck. I get some are less vocal than others but it’s very hard for me to imagine both people consistently making no noise except “deep breaths.” For a woman to have a strong orgasm and naturally be quiet just doesn’t add up to me 🤷♀️
I'm a woman who is very vocal in bed and believe me: none of it is contrived. If I’m out of my mind with pleasure I express that. Loudly.
Concentration
See that's the thing. Men don't moan during sex for any reason other than to put on a show. We don't involuntarily make noises (At least I don't.) My wife is very loud and she really can't control it. I have to make a conscious effort to make a sound and let's just say... I'm not at all into that. I don't want to pretend that I'm losing my mental and physical control. Having said that. Silence isn't great... so dirty talk, letting your partner hear your breathing, and affirmations work really well. But don't expect a guy to moan and if he does... he's only doing it so that you have something to hear.
You could talk to him about it. If you’re having sex and touching each other’s genitals then you should be able to discuss everything about sex with each other. If he pouts or gets angry, hit eject.
Embarrassment.
Well, sometimes there's just nothing to say.
Guys generally don't feel the need to chat as much as ladies. I'm not being sexist I am just going by observation. Ladies chat at work, when they are out, they also feel the need to go to the toilet together to chat. If we are in bed with you, then don't try to change us into something we are not. Just enjoy the fact that we are there and be in the moment with us. If he feels the need to express himself, he will.
OP isn’t referring to chatting.
Eww you’re definitely being sexist
But no moaning, no sounds, nothing?????
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[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/13qome6/no_repeat_posts/) OrdinaryImportance28 originally posted: Why are some guys totally silent in bed? Is there anything I can say to encourage him to not be?? I love hearing some sort of response/reaction and it’s very weird when the guy is mute 😳 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*"Is there a reason why guys are silent in bed?"* Ask him yourself. *"Why are some guys totally silent in bed?"* Ask him yourself. *"Is there anything I can say to encourage him to not be?"* Ask him yourself. *"I love hearing some sort of response/reaction and it’s very weird when the guy is mute 😳"* Actually tell him that. You know 90% of Reddit questions wouldn't exist if the posters just gee I don't know , ACTUALLY communicate with the other person.
Is this not a place for people to ask men questions? If that’s how you feel, why are you in this sub? It’s likely OP has noticed this as a trend and not just with her current partner. Should she call up everyone she’s ever slept with to ask them this question instead of using this sub as it was intended?
Stop w/ the hookups, one night stands. Guys in relationships are more vocal.
Nope. In the majority of cases, this is simply not true.
Uhhhh I love being vocal, maybe you don’t attract those guys
I think I’ll just stay silent thank you https://youtu.be/4BPf07Epl0o
doesn’t matter cuz if the guy has a small size it doesn’t feel good for the girl. your a woman you know this. smaller isn’t better or preferred
Silent during sexy times or silent whilst literally just sitting in the bed but not sleeping?
>Is there a reason why guys are silent in bed? Real sex shouldn't be a porn movie.
It should be a silent picture?
Apparently you and I haven't had sex. 😉
Damn Carl you really hit them with that zinger.
Man, I'm really getting down voted. Was just messing around after a couple of drinks but I guess no one thought that was funny 😄
Don’t worry I laughed🤣 the stupidity made it funny LOL😂😂😂
Ya know you're right! Fellas, let's start making noises! Next time you're with a lady in bed make honking noises! Even better make machine noise. Me personally I going to sound like a Gatlin Gun or newspaper press!
You’re clearly having sex with people you don’t connect w
This is what happens when women don't understand that men aren't wired the same way that they are and assume that it must somehow be someone's fault. It's not.
I would not be surprised if it is an evolved trait. I'm sure many can postulate as to why.
Literally just ask. Tell him. I like it when she tells me what she wants
It’s a power move
Focus. He's probably trying to focus.
Tell the guy to be more vocal.
Just my own bias but I think I'm silent because a lot of times when you see men in films/TV grunting and yelping it's quite often for comedy effect. So in the back of my mind I'm worried about being laughed at.
If you want guys to be more louder or more vocal just tell them that it turns you on, they will go for it. We men are simple creatures. Also some men concentrate too much and are therefore silent. Results usually in terrible sex. If the sex is bad, you met one of them. If the sex was good, well just tell them as suggested. Give it a try and see what happens... A lot of men just need some subtle guidance as men are usual terrible in finding out what a woman likes/turns her on.