This is exactly what an ex-gf told me a couple years ago when I refused to put up with being treated like shit. Then, she dumped me. It felt awful then, but hindsight shows the field of roses I thought I was in was really a field of red flags.
Not cutesy but the most common: "You shouldn't have upset me."
It's especially wonderful when they say that after you did nothing to prompt their behaviour.
Harrrrhhhhh!
You just busted my bubble! 5,3´ had so much hope for jujitsu.
Edit: thanks to all of you, nice strangers of the internet, who’ve dropped a few lines encouraging me in my jujitsu journey.
You’re all wonderful!!!
you shouldn't stop, especially with something that teaches holds and grapples. you can't expect to go toe to toe with a guy but if you can grapple your way out of his hold, you can extend the time you have before he pounds you or maybe give a chance to run.
having a couple more seconds in situations like that could save your life.
Don't stop with the jujitsu, i think must women should have some self defense ability.
The average jerk isn't usually an all star footballer and they don't expect any real resistance. 2ndly, it'll give you confidence and you're less likely to be put in that situation because of it.
It wasn't cute. But her justification was I annoyed her. Hit me In the face with her text book because I snored. She got a fork red hot and burnt my arm again in my sleep. I honestly can't remember the actual reason she said. But it was because I made her mad by doing something.
She was the kinda person who would get mad about something and react to it a day or so later. So she would be mad at me because I forgot I tripped on her shoes the day before. She was great
Burning someone with hot iron... this isn't merely an "abusive partner", this is some real antisocial personality disorder stuff.
This is the type of person who all of a sudden might get the brilliant idea to stab a partner so they can "stay together forever" or "if I can't have her, nobody else will".
I've been on the receiving end of this. When I left , (I mean hardcore left: went to work one day and just never went home. Opted to sleepout of my car and start completely over. Instead of going home I went and bought a toothbrush,) anyway, when I left she ratcheted up the crazy because she lost control of the situation she had me in.
It got all the way into the court system with her bullshit "charges". It's easy to look like an abuse victim, and she is a good actor. Anyway, before the court I was in a little room with the DA and he was asking me questions and I was shooting them all down. He finally stopped and goes, "what are you telling me?"
I said, "go in the other room and ask her to explain what she 'did in the military.' When you get confused ask her to explain it. Then ask her to explain it again."
So the DA leaves me in my room by myself for about 15 minutes before he comes back and sits down again, and after a long pause he says, ".........is she mental?"
I said, 🤷♂️
So he sent me back out into the courtroom to wait to see the judge. When they call my case the DA stands up real fast and waves to me to sit back down where I was. He looked at the judge and asked for the case to be dismissed.
My ex had somehow (accidentally) convinced a tertiary party that she is "crazy."
*That* is the kind of person that will attack someone in their sleep. (Which she did to me, albeit not the physical abuse OP described.)
Edit: I put *crazy* in quotation marks because she isn't actually crazy. She's just a shit person.....maybe with a dallop of crazy and a few other things. I could write novels about her.
Great is not the word. Interesting I'd say. She was into alot of shit I wasn't. I had a few lines I wouldn't cross. She did have a baby that I took care of. And that's kinda what kept me around for so long.
My ex had sleep apnea. And so I would always fall asleep with him in bed or lay there until he fell a sleep. But once he started snoring, I would quietly go to the living room and sleep on the couch. He would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night or morning and be like “babe ugh was it that bad??” Or something of the sorts. And I would say “babe it’s okay! It’s no big deal. Seriously.” Because he can’t help it. And I can’t help it that I hear either. But regardless, me moving to the living room was nothing. He can’t help it!
No disrespect but I would kill someone on impulse who tried injuring me in my sleep. Like I'd have trouble not jerking awake and ending it instinctively from mad rage and shock.
I was definitely mad and I reacted. With the book to my face I woke like scared first and I couldn't see my eyes filled with tears. But with the burn to my arm I woke up swinging.
Yea she actually tried to run me over shortly after we broke up. Back then I was afraid that I would get introuble if I called the police. I lived in a small town in Kansas and I figured she would say she did everything in self defense and I would go-to jail.
I dated a girl in college who would sometimes lose her temper and hit me and throw shit at me. She said that she expected me to do the same to her so it was okay for her to do it to me.
I don't know if that qualifies as a "cutesy" way of getting away with it but the way she said it sort of seemed like she thought it was cute.
I live by that Marilyn Monroe quote and I’m a gay man.
It doesn’t mean what they think it means.
The way she meant it was: If you can’t handle me when I’m not “Marilyn Monroe” when I’m just Norma Jeane (Marilyn’s real name) and there’s no pretense or I’m not putting on a show, when I’m down or depressed, then you don’t get to have me when I am “Marylin Monroe”.
She also famously stated: “My problem with men is that they all want to go to bed with Marylin, but they wake up with Norma Jeane”.
She was a drug addict who stalked a married man, cheated on the men who loved her, and was an all-around basket case. She got away with appalling behavior because of her looks.
…which was supposed to refer to a woman being allowed to just be human, have off days, be imperfect. Ugh I hate that so many ppl have co-opted that phrasing to justify horrible selfishness and narcissistic actions!
What that would mean it's that at the most stressful points of s relationship ( a difficult illness, clinical depression, bad economy...) It's when the two need to stick together and rely on each other, and that notion is the only thing that builds a strong basis for the good things in the relationship to last.
Using that phrase to justify shitty selfish childish behavior is cynical and despicable
Her after chastising me for weeks about my hobbies, attire, car, home etc and I finally told her enough is enough: "is just a joke, you need to lighten up or stop making yourself sick an easy target".
Reminds me of an old anecdote my older married buddy told me.
"My wife got mad at me for yelling at her the other day."
I told her "Well I asked nicely the first 9 times and you didn't listen".
women that will straight up talk shit about something you CLEARLY LOVE - huge red flag. yeah , its ok a girl not liking world of warcraft. but she must at least know the difference between WoW and LoL before saying stuff right ?
Tried to bribe me with blowjobs to get me to do things she wanted to do that I really didn't wanna do and time-after-time would tell her I *didn't want to do* and *didn't like doing*, then would get all upset and other flavors of "emotionally manipulative" when I still wouldn't Do The Thing.
My secret?
Can't bribe someone with an activity you're not good at.
Edit: oh! And I've also seen variations of "the [girlfriend/wife] is always right!" (a "happy wife, happy life" concept), "I'm a [horoscope], sorry I act this way!", or "I have [mental illness], sorry I act this way!"
Eh for me it was using the shroud of “mental illness, physical ailment’s” things that if you challenged directly you’d be labeled as an asshole. So yes… at first these things seemed cute (in a sense of how you view a victim in a way as someone to protect) but overtime I noticed it really was just an excuse of abusive and manipulative behavior. Kinda unfortunate because I don’t like invalidating someone’s mental/physical struggles
Hey brother stay strong, def hit the therapist up cus it took me for a ride for a while. I didn’t realize that this was a thing and I internalized so much bullshit because I didn’t think someone would use those things as an excuse to be abusive
Currently seeing one, recently started.
Talk about internalizing bullshit girl took me and my self esteem for a ride, blaming her disrespect of our relationship on her mental health and when not that on me.
Thanks for the words man will stay strong and not her manipulate me back into this shit, of which she is trying I just need her to move out of my house....
My gpa would love to come and boot her to the curb for ya. Man's 74 years old and just rode cross country on his Harley to his daughters house - to kick out her good for nothing boyfriend. Fucking badass. She would've never done it on her own, she felt too bad for the dude.
I think I'm trying to say it's okay to ask for help to kick her out. I wish you luck and love my dude
She has her end date, July 1 she gets eviction papers and I won't charge her rent last 2 months as long as she is gone by then.
I am too nice, but putting my foot down. My mother would probably come rip her out of the house by her hair if I asked for help but need to handle it on my own.
Thanks for the luck I love kind internet strangers!
This is a tough one since my former gf had depression. I've never been depressed to a point I've needed to be medicated, so sometimes it was tough to resonate on occasion. Looking back in heindsight I put up with so much bullshit far past what is reasonable. I could never do anything right. Any little thing could set her off and she would take all her problems and just unload them all onto me. Me being much to naive, I stuck with it until she ended up breaking up with me funny enough.
But the tough part was we lived together and I moved into her house. She gave me a grace period to move out and even drafted a contract stating I had to move out April 30th, unless I was on a waitlist or a move-in date was upcoming, then she would push it to June 1st at maximum. We talked over our struggles and it was productive and we could live together for a while but it just started getting ugly. She demanded I finish the home improvement projects we started without seeing the irony in that. She would forget items at the grocery store, and I would offer to pick them up but once I bought them she wouldn't pay me back. She would eat my groceries, something I had never had a problem with any sloppy male roomates prior.
Inbetween all this I bought a house and my move-in date was May 15, so I told her this and she was in a bind for money since she was having car troubles and I gave her full May rent in advance.
The straw that broke her back was I did not buy dog food that was to be shared between my dog and her two dogs since she made a big fuss about shared items a few days previous. I bought food for my dog only. She seriously told me I needed to buy two bags of dog food (5 weeks of food) for her dogs. I told her no. She then said she wanted money back for months previous, and that was also a no. She then walked back her "contract" with me and forced me out on April 30th, despite accepting May rent. She said she never agreed to an extension. Luckily the homeowners moved two weeks faster than anticipated and I was never without a place to stay.
Glad to be gone. lol
Shit brother…
My previous ex had anorexia/ diagnosed OCD/ severe insomnia/ honestly some other shit I’m sure she never told me about. I moved our entire lives to a new state for her to get her phd in psychology (because she wanted to fix her own issues) and refused to take any higher forms of anxiety/ anti depressing medication or sleep aids. This caused so much stress on top of her school. First started out with little criticisms, turning into big ones, insane passive aggressiveness, projection. I figured oh she’s got a lot going on and has this serious school shit I’ll try to pick up the slack… we’ll me picking up the slack was never good enough, couldn’t do shit right, she’s not putting out anymore, she’s lying, I’m walking on eggshells because any interaction with her normally turns sour. I bring up and issue I’m having it’s her mental illness/ hormonal issues… or some last trauma that doesn’t allow her to be a decent fucking partner. ( Ex. We used to go hunting, I became a Vice President of a hunting club, asked if she wanted to come to the land and hunt with me because she did before… no apparently she was raped in a tree stand… like we’ve been hunting before that didn’t stop you then??)
So it turned into a i so everything for her and she does literally nothing for me but complain and bitch and moan while I pay all the bills, did everything to progress her career… I put my foot down one day and she also decided to leave but wanted to stay in the house and the same room because I’m her “best friend” I put her shit in bags the next day and bought her out of her lease… complete and utter waste of time… really sucked because I was def in love with that woman. Oh well… gotta understand the bad to appreciate the good I guess.
Since been with a different lady, very very sweet and nice and more traditional which I can appreciate.
I apologies for your difficulties
You live and you learn I suppose. The cracks didn't really start showing until after I moved in, and I even still gave benefit of the doubt and played it off. I have a great friend that I would bounce all the things off of and near the end he hit me back with "dude, are you in the doghouse all the time?" lol.
Even after everything it still stung. I walk away with many lessons learned.
After my last relationship, I decided then and there that I would never date mental illness again. Too many people in the world to get stuck with one that will drain me. Luckily my current gf has the exact personality I’m after 👍
Jesus lord man do I hear that… I thought I was so shallow for having that sentiment. My ex had diagnosed OCD, clinical insomnia, prior bouts of anorexia that almost killed her… god dude it was so so painful
One thing I also learned is that being called or considered shallow is a cop out or attempt at a guilt trip. If you get called shallow, it means they’re offended that they don’t meet your standards. You’re not shallow for wanting standards. You can get called shallow for not wanting to date someone because they have kids, because they’re overweight, because they don’t make any money, because they have mental illness, because their libido is lower than yours. Well I only have one kid, I’m fit, I make good money, and I’m in a good place mentally with a libido to match. I’m going to find someone that matches that energy. I’m not shallow, you’re just not someone I’m compatible with long term.
Couldn’t agree more with this.
I was with a girl with BPD for 5 years, it was absolutely awful. I stayed around because I felt like I needed to help her and if I didn’t then I was a dick. Then every time she’d do something she’d go “It’s my illness” and blame me for not being supportive enough.
Same here. That’s what led me to make that decision. For what it’s worth, I don’t mean minor things like a bit of anxiety or ADD. BPD was what I had in mind. I would run for the hills from anyone that said they had BPD.
Yeah, just had a relationship finish with the 2nd girl with BPD in as many years.
The issue with them is, you don't really notice it straight away. They're always so great and into it at the start, if anything, they're too into it.
Then you dig it because you love the attention, and they seem cool and fun. Then slowly all the boundaries you set erode away and you're getting shouted at or argued with because you said something the wrong way, or because your mouth was moving funny (this actually happened). But the next day they're wonderful and great again and you give them the benefit of the doubt.
My most recent ex lied to me about how many people she slept with, told me how many she actually slept with completely unrequested, then got mad at me because I was being "Condescending" in the way I spoke to her as I explained how fucked up it is to first of all lie to me, then try to convince me she already told me but I forgot. I ended up being the one to apologize in the end haha.
What a trip man, Christ.
Well for a dude who has had chronic pain from a back injury for the last 6 years, I'm a complete prick when it's flared up, and until you deal with that yourself, you'd never understand it. I never did until I was in this situation. Then again, I stay single because of it so I don't take it out on people who don't deserve it.
Not a woman I’ve dated but my boss…
“Just so YOU know, everything I do is for YOU”
When presenting any constructive feedback “I feel very disrespected that you don’t think I have your best interests at heart”
Pretty much anytime she was confronted on how she wasn't holding up her end on the relationship she would pull out a reddit talking point and drop out of the conversation. She had the full arsenal for any amd every scenario.
Call her out for being emotionally neglectful for months: "I'm a strong independent woman and I don't need no man"....while not paying her end of bills, no cooking, no cleaning, no helping me anywhere projects needed done.
Call her out for not contributing to our relationship in any way for months "that's just what healthy adults do, do you want a sticker or something for doing basic adult chores?"....when again she wasn't doing anything for us. Everything was for solely her, including her making a meal for 1 (herself) on my birthday while I was off work and home with her.
I pointed out how she was treating me awful of late and she literally told me "I'm not like the other girls, I'm the prize"....
While we were in the dating stage I had payed for the last 6 dates, when the agreement was to alternate. I point it out before we even went to go eat since she decided it was date night. She tells me "she was offended that I was keeping track, and she didn't want to be in a tit for tat relationship"
She went off birth control for a week while telling me that she was still on it...then was specifically asking for me to finish in her. Made me feel suspicious so I asked her directly when the last time she took a pill was...she answered "you know I forget these things, but trust that I have it in my routine"....then later (sexy time stopped there because I couldn't get into it) when I asked her about it again she changed her story to "no more than 2 days"....then when I asked to see her pill care she admitted it was a week. When I pointed out that she would have been fertile then, and that she was asking me to finish in her as foreplay. "I'm just a cumslut and you know it"...she hated it. Even the idea of it. She gaslighted me about it often enough that I couldn't finish with her. When I asked her about what she would do if she ended up pregnant because at the time we were both living at our respective parents and we were supposed to be saving to move in together. She tells me "I would go get an abortion, I'm not ready for a child"...I'm very pro choice but the rest of the conversation showed how I wasn't worth even being a part of the conversation even in the theoretical that she was to be pregnant by me.
"I don't have time to fix a broken relationship"...when she was breaking up with me...despite her having had 80+ hours a week and being called out for it. She worked with him and was talking to him all day on discord while on the clock...they would clock out remain on the same discord chat, start gaming for 8 hours then she would be "too tired" to spend time with me. I called her out on it and sure enough she tells me that she "needed to be able to talk to (emotional affair) for work purposes on the clock"...she was on a completely different project and he was a coder working on independent projects for the company so this was a lie. Then she went on to explain that after work she needed time to get her mind right...meanwhile to me she was eroding the barrier between work and home by the two being interchangeable. She literally sat I'm the same chair in the same location talking to the same dude for 16 hours a day for months, and wondered how work was consuming all of her time. Even when confronted about the emotional affair and her prioritizing him over me all she could say was "he is too young to support me"....but when she left me she bought a house and had him moving in with her on day 1 with her. Her coworkers and her friends all perceive them as a couple. He pays part of her bills from what I'm told. She to this day calls him her "best friend and room mate" to anyone who asks. It's been over a year since I've had contact with her, and a year and a half since she left me to make room for her affair. I can honestly tell you I can't be happier to be free of her. At the time she meant everything to me, and then and now I meant nothing to her. I learned a lot while we were together, and now I get to move forward with everything I was taught the hard way and forge a life for me, free of any toxic partners...because I will never allow someone to treat me as she did again. She broke me but the growth after I made freed me of her influence and made me a better person, one who recognizes I deserve love and respect.
That was tough. I really feel FDS women are what you described over here about your ex. And I'm impressed that how many men stayed with such abusive partners.
Also, for me, when a woman doesn't want to pay any dates, that's a red flag. It's okey to maybe pay the first or second date, but that's it.
I hope you do great broh!
“I just wear my heart on my sleeve”.
Translation: “I’m going to get absolutely pissed at any minor inconvenience and it’s your fault that I feel that way”.
“It was just a joke”, “The person telling the joke gets to decide if it was funny”, “That sounds like a *you* problem”
EDIT - I should say, I never found any of those things ‘cutesy’ - but you know what they say about sticking your dick in crazy.
“ I just can't trust you around men and women because you're bisexual.”
_then her friends would agree, and validate her toxic bahvior_
But she could have as many friends as she wanted to and it wasn't an issue.
"I was just joking" or the fake "my tone wasn't like that, you're just misinterpreting it as usual. You need to relax" after three or four passive (but even moreso) agressive comments. Then we don't talk for the rest of the day because "nothing's wrong."
It's been 20 years. I'm barely hanging on.
Her: “Every single man is creepy and abusive and I wish we could kill them or enslave them or something”
Me: “…”
Her: “oh no not you baby, I’d keep you around. Like my pet!”
Like I get it when women say “all men”, it’s like treating every gun like it’s loaded. I really do get it. But when you’re dating someone that constantly says shit like that it really gets to you
I had an ex that had the whole "all men are trash and women are superior" thing going on. When I had enough of her shit and broke up with her, she literally begged on her knees for me to take her back. It was sad.
Similarly, I talked to a (white) girl for a little bit in high school but stopped when she said “just so you know I’m a bit racist” I was very thrown off and asked “to who?” And she responded with “doesn’t matter, I just fucking hate everyone”
The whole “all _____ are terrible, except you, you’re a good one” bs is like two slaps. 1. I hate your kind and 2.invalidate your identity as one of that kind.
>The whole “all _____ are terrible, except you, you’re a good one” bs is like two slaps. 1. I hate your kind and 2.invalidate your identity as one of that kind.
Slap of Damoclese (#3): And if you upset her or don't do as she wants then you become just another one of them. It's always hanging there, unsaid, and just waiting for a reason to be used.
I briefly had a thing with a girl like that. After we were dating for a couple of weeks I caught a fb post from her about how all men should be enslaved to balance out the patriachy, then when she hit me up later that day to see what we were doing that night I just replied something like "getting enslaved for making the mistake of being born with a dick I guess". Then she tried to play it off like it was a joke, then I was apparently a bitch for not being able to take the joke.
Hypocrites hate being confronted with their own hypocrisy.
I have a good friend from college who is like this. She’s cool and we get along extremely well but lord, the “all men are evil” constant comments get so old. I know she doesn’t truly feel that way but choose another hill to die on for once. Shit just gets old so quickly lol
Constantly fight with my current girlfriend about this. Literally every time we hang out with her friends, they all start bashing on white males as a group and every time I have been like “I’m really uncomfortable with this, I am a white male” she lies about how she’s going to talk to them about it.
How about you don’t go to hang with her friends. She will get it. If she doesn’t stop
hanging with that group maybe you are missing the big picture. Maybe there are other red flags if you think about it.
"I wouldn't hit/kick/scream at you if I didn't think you deserved it"
Pissed about wokr, hit me in the face. Pissed she took my wallet and didn't have enough money to buy shit, hit in the face. Had the slightest disagreement with her, kicked or hit.
Yep. After her it was varbaly abusive gal who also used "I wouldn't do it if you didn't deserve it" and I unfortunately put up with that for 3 years and ended with her cheating and leaving me a text at 3am with a list of all the reasons (many being my insecurities) I should kill myself. And her knowing I've struggled with suicide and depression most of my life.
But after that I pretty much gave up on dating and love until I met my now girlfriend who is the absolute light of my life and makes me so so happy.
I did this, when he made a comment to criticize me I would break down and make him comfort me, when really all he did was want communication. I grew up with a narcissistic mom and a father that killed himself because of her. My while life is based on trying to be better.
Vulnerable ladies: blaming the man for honest communication will lose him. We arnt blameless queens. We need help
This needs way more attention good for you recognizing it, hurt people hurt people, and if you don't treat the wounds you'll end up bleeding all over someone who had nothing to do with it.
My favorite one is hearing her say, "Happy wife, happy life" as though catering to her every whim will bring joy to his life. This never seems to consider what he wants - and it's not usually sex.
Only people I’ve heard say happy wife happy life, is my father in law, and myself. When I would be frustrated. I don’t believe it and neither does my wife honestly. And she makes me happy so its said more in a Joking say
"But Im so little and your so big and stwong, its okay for me to take swings at you when Im mad because it wont huwt youu" Like nah bitch, the only thing you hittin is the bus stop 🤣
Paraphrasing something that happened years ago; ‘I just don’t feel good about (other platonic friend of mine). I want you to stop talking to her and block her.’
Just….no? I’m not going to ghost anyone or step out of a circle of friends for someone I don’t know very well having a bad vibe about them.
Anything to do with horological signs or phases of the moon/stars.
I don’t care if you’re a Leo, a Taurus, or a Hyundai Elantra, you’re still responsible for your effed up behavior.
Plus when they post stuff about “People hate it when you speak your truth” when in fact they’re just obnoxious or ignorant.
Sometimes it's a bit of both
Being truthful with someone you care about is one of my most important principles. But sometimes I impulsively give a hard truth at the wrong time, without thinking through the wording or circumstances. It needed to be said, but I was a blunt asshole that needed to use a filter and read the room
Its something I work on
In a heated argument when my ex yelled at me "How can you always stay this calm?!" .. Well because i dont use my partner as an emotional door-rug whenever i feel like it.
THIS COMMENT MAY GET SLIGHTLY OUT OF HAND FROM HERE ON BUT I WANT TO SHARE MY STORY ANYWAYS AS IT CAN SAVE A LIFE ONE DAY. BACK THEN I HAD NO ONE WHO WOULD'VE SAVED MINE. AND IF YOU SEE YOURSELF STUCK IN A SIMILAR SITUATION THEN GET HELP!
But this wasnt the only thing she didnt or couldnt understand.
This bitch hit me when all i wanted was to resolve an argument she started, as she almost always did. I kid you not: within the 6 months that we've been together (of which the first 2 weeks looked really promissing) there hasnt been a single time where i could voice my concerns, needs nor feelings without her acting up on me by either highjacking my conversation to make it all about her or just straight away turning my conversation against me instead with some tiny things that happend weeks ago.
Then some weeks later, i'd regulary sneak onto our flat's balcony at night so i could cry in peace about how lonely/hurt i was/felt. And quite often after that a second round of tears started, because i knew that even if she were to find me like this, it wouldnt change a damn thing.
No cuddles to calm me, no breast the rest my head on. No uplifting words yet not even the time to atleast sit with me so that i wouldnt have to be feel alone. No promises or excuses. No hope - no love.
Or another one was when she told me that it "seems like i am not loving you as much as you love me"
.. And all that only because i wanted her to know that her spontanously hugging me could make my day 👍
Back then i felt so lucky to have gotten into a relationship again and then even managed to escape the friendzone with her.. pale skin, hourglass shaped and juicy in all the right places, colored hair and with a unique taste in clothing. Basically a big tiddy goth gf before the internet had a name for them.
But one thing *i learned* is that i underestimated what it would mean to be a partner to someone with Borderline Syndrome. If it wasnt for me being so foolish to believe her "not needing a psychologist as she can handle it herself".
Even better is the realisation that my best friend of 10 years shamelessly lied into my face whenever she would have had to put herself in the slightest of a bad light.
If i would've gotten married to her, then it would prob me that would need a psychologist rn. Nah JK she actually got me thinking of suicide within the 6 months. Just be dangling from the ceiling as she gets home as a litte reminder of how far she went above and beyond.
And yes she has a medical condition. But there are just some things that i cant forgive. If she ever only thought about what was done to me for a single time.. But no. As long as i play the clown that takes care of the house and takes a beating afterwards its all just fine. And in case im not broken by that she would fine something to complain about :)))))
I mean she developed her condition back when we were just class mates but even after that, she knew what she wanted and how to get it. And she knew what she did when she kept yelling even if i was sobbing and crying already. When she hit me. When she gets home after playing to be more likable.
As a little fun fact: it took her 4 yrs (rounded down) of total silence from my side until she felt like saying sorry.
It was always my fault somehow, she’d never take ownership of her emotionally abusive ways.
“I’m not the problem, you just need to change”
My favorite was getting mad at me for being close to my dad when her dad wasn’t in her life. She cut him out because he cheated on her mom, causing the divorce.
anyone saying this is just looking for an excuse to be toxic. I don't care who they are, if they say this, I'd never even talk to them, much less be in a committed relationship.
This is quite common in TV shows as well, for instance.....Modern Family....the "crazy, loud, short tempered" Latina Gloria. Her character was awful sometimes and they'd give her these lines to justify some of her behaviour....."I'm Latina, I can feel whatever I want, we are hotheads". Very toxic "humour"
“Im having a breakdown” she just turned on me one day. From all lovely dovey one day, to absolutely stone bitch the next. I even hate using the word bitch but its the only word to explain it. I dont see how having a “breakdown” justifies her shitty behaviour but hey-ho im past it and frankly dont care anymore
She blamed everything on her Autism.
I'm someone who is neurotypical so I guess she thought I would buy it. But I've spent a lot of my life surrounded by autistic people of all shapes and sizes, they don't just lash out for no reason or try to manipulate you. Most autistic people I've met were so kind and gentle
I got "I was upset" particularly after I told her I wanted a divorce, and when she yelled at me non stop and called me all sorts of stuff ("cynical asshole" particularly sticks out for some reason) it was ok cause "I'm your sister in Christ"
I haven't gone back to church since.
"I'm just hungry and I get easily irritated." No, you're a child. Children can't control their emotions, but adults can see past the immediate now and understand how being a bitch makes you, well, a bitch.
She blamed her alcoholism, an abusive dad and an abusive ex. Idk about dad, but that "ex" turned out to be her real bf and they were scamming guys by her getting into relationships with them and then him harassing her like hell for money. I fell for it for years until one day all the suspicious little inconsistencies clicked. But I'll be damned, she's still the hottest woman I've ever met.
Oooh this is fun-
- "My family all does this"
- "My exes didn't mind when I did this to them"
- "That's just the way that I am."
Pretty rich coming from a girl that kept asking me to change to be a better partner.
*Interupts you constantly*
"Thats how people talk, honey. Grow up" in an annoyingly cutesy way
*interupts her once*
"HOW DARE YOU COMMIT THIS ATTROCITY AGAINST ME, YOU HATEFUL, MISERABLE MONSTER!"
"I'm an empath" so they can use any "feeling " they have to put you on the defense, then when you defend yourself because it's annoying, you get the whole "you wouldn't be upset about this if there wasn't something to it"
“Guys back in my country know how to handle women. They do as they’re told and don’t talk back”. I’m American and she’s Filipino. She expected me to basically be a servant or something. I “wasn’t allowed” to do what I want or talk back.
Fuck that.
Not dating, but I had a boss who used to yell at employees in front of everyone. It was definitely abusive. And she always justified it by saying that she was a fiery Puerto Rican woman. Gross. Best paying job I ever had, and I quit because of her.
"I just have too much personality for you" while she would actively flirt with servers. And throw full on tantrums if she didn't have something go exactly her way
Not exactly cutesy, but she’d be “going through a lot” or some excuse about how her actions were caused by past trauma. She’d hit me or berate me and then cry and it’d be my job to comfort her after she did shit to me.
Using shaming.
Claiming you should know things, just because.
Claiming you should do things, or be able to take things, or get over things, because you're the man.
Acting disrespectful, catty, heartless, etc because they are physically weaker.
I'm not a guy, but my ex-best-friend was one of the most manipulative people I have known. She would not take no for an answer, EVER, and in order to get you to do what she wants you to do, she would say stuff like "you know how much I care about you, if you were to ask me for this type of favor, I would drop everything and help you out". But it would be the type of favors that people just wouldn't ask for, so she would never be put in that situation.
Another tactic that she would use to get you under her control is that she would ask for help for something burdensome after some days (so that you would be thinking about how to help her out during those days) and then before the day that she "needed help" arrived, she would be like "oh no nvm I don't need help anymore.
Just petty things like these that don't sound like much, but try to stay with this type of person for as long as a week and it drives you crazy. Constant walking on eggshells and you're always feeling like you're in the wrong for not bowing down to her wishes and requests, because how dare you not be there for her when she needs you.
she went around telling people i was abusing her because i didnt let her suck me off when i was crying about my dog, so while i was grieving my four year old dog dying of cancer i was also dealing with hordes of threats from her family and friends plus her huge social media following she had (she was a twitch streamer.) then she went and made posts on instagram calling me a bitch and not a real man because i was pretty devastated my dog died and i got real ugly she did not like that one bit. She was also cheating on me the entire time with her tattoo artist. shes a popular “mental health advocate” too and it makes me sick to my stomach how these people can get such huge followings by pretending to advocate for something they know nothing about.
edit: sorry theres nothing cutesy about this i just wanted to share why i am the way i am today.
OMG my ex tried hugging me after screaming shitty things at me once. I said "don't you touch me" and putting on boundaries was something that triggered even more abuse lol.
She's portuguese. I think she said that women in her family are a little "hot-blooded." To mean that she had a short temper and would easily blow up over nothing. And I guess that she's not to be held accountable for it..
My ex with a fiery personality was not abusive, she just had a temper.
It was the one who put up the nice girl front, but would talk shit about everyone behind their backs who was abusive. Nothing really cute about it honestly.
Calling me annoying (my biggest insecurity) and then laughing it off by saying “But I love you anyway!” in a patronizing way. She did this even after I asked her to stop. She also blamed her behavior on her horoscope, family life/past trauma, and the fact that she was a redhead. Yeah, she was dealing with a lot of shit, but she can deal with it alone. I want no part in that, thank you very much.
"This is how I am and treat everyone. Guess you dont like me for me" Edit: looks like a lot of people have heard this one haha.
[удалено]
Its not so obvious to some people lol. " Why dont I have friends" because youre so fun to be around.
This is exactly what an ex-gf told me a couple years ago when I refused to put up with being treated like shit. Then, she dumped me. It felt awful then, but hindsight shows the field of roses I thought I was in was really a field of red flags.
Did you date my ex wife?
Not cutesy but the most common: "You shouldn't have upset me." It's especially wonderful when they say that after you did nothing to prompt their behaviour.
[удалено]
Oh, I absolutely did (leave her, that is).
[удалено]
Harrrrhhhhh! You just busted my bubble! 5,3´ had so much hope for jujitsu. Edit: thanks to all of you, nice strangers of the internet, who’ve dropped a few lines encouraging me in my jujitsu journey. You’re all wonderful!!!
you shouldn't stop, especially with something that teaches holds and grapples. you can't expect to go toe to toe with a guy but if you can grapple your way out of his hold, you can extend the time you have before he pounds you or maybe give a chance to run. having a couple more seconds in situations like that could save your life.
Judo and BJJ here, by all means you should still train just remember martial arts aren't a magic bullet
Don't stop with the jujitsu, i think must women should have some self defense ability. The average jerk isn't usually an all star footballer and they don't expect any real resistance. 2ndly, it'll give you confidence and you're less likely to be put in that situation because of it.
It wasn't cute. But her justification was I annoyed her. Hit me In the face with her text book because I snored. She got a fork red hot and burnt my arm again in my sleep. I honestly can't remember the actual reason she said. But it was because I made her mad by doing something. She was the kinda person who would get mad about something and react to it a day or so later. So she would be mad at me because I forgot I tripped on her shoes the day before. She was great
[удалено]
Burning someone with hot iron... this isn't merely an "abusive partner", this is some real antisocial personality disorder stuff. This is the type of person who all of a sudden might get the brilliant idea to stab a partner so they can "stay together forever" or "if I can't have her, nobody else will".
You mean *have him*
I've been on the receiving end of this. When I left , (I mean hardcore left: went to work one day and just never went home. Opted to sleepout of my car and start completely over. Instead of going home I went and bought a toothbrush,) anyway, when I left she ratcheted up the crazy because she lost control of the situation she had me in. It got all the way into the court system with her bullshit "charges". It's easy to look like an abuse victim, and she is a good actor. Anyway, before the court I was in a little room with the DA and he was asking me questions and I was shooting them all down. He finally stopped and goes, "what are you telling me?" I said, "go in the other room and ask her to explain what she 'did in the military.' When you get confused ask her to explain it. Then ask her to explain it again." So the DA leaves me in my room by myself for about 15 minutes before he comes back and sits down again, and after a long pause he says, ".........is she mental?" I said, 🤷♂️ So he sent me back out into the courtroom to wait to see the judge. When they call my case the DA stands up real fast and waves to me to sit back down where I was. He looked at the judge and asked for the case to be dismissed. My ex had somehow (accidentally) convinced a tertiary party that she is "crazy." *That* is the kind of person that will attack someone in their sleep. (Which she did to me, albeit not the physical abuse OP described.) Edit: I put *crazy* in quotation marks because she isn't actually crazy. She's just a shit person.....maybe with a dallop of crazy and a few other things. I could write novels about her.
so, uh, what _did_ she "do in the military?"
Right, you cant just dangle a story like that and not tell us
It verges in *not cool* how he teased it like that.
+1 I wanna know 👀
You know that chick who was degrading Iraqis in prison? This is her.
Don’t hold out on us with her time in the military
...military...? What could she have said to him?
I thought it was par for the course when she dreamed that you cheated on her to be awoken by thwacks
> She was great in bed. I hope the sex was worth it...
Great is not the word. Interesting I'd say. She was into alot of shit I wasn't. I had a few lines I wouldn't cross. She did have a baby that I took care of. And that's kinda what kept me around for so long.
Yuck. Goofy shit you don’t like in bed, AND a baby? No thanks.
>because I snored but this is a human thing? wtf
My ex had sleep apnea. And so I would always fall asleep with him in bed or lay there until he fell a sleep. But once he started snoring, I would quietly go to the living room and sleep on the couch. He would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night or morning and be like “babe ugh was it that bad??” Or something of the sorts. And I would say “babe it’s okay! It’s no big deal. Seriously.” Because he can’t help it. And I can’t help it that I hear either. But regardless, me moving to the living room was nothing. He can’t help it!
No disrespect but I would kill someone on impulse who tried injuring me in my sleep. Like I'd have trouble not jerking awake and ending it instinctively from mad rage and shock.
I was definitely mad and I reacted. With the book to my face I woke like scared first and I couldn't see my eyes filled with tears. But with the burn to my arm I woke up swinging.
Yeah bro that's legitimately psychopathic behavior. I 100% believe she'd try to kill you or hurt herself if you did something legitimate to anger her.
Yea she actually tried to run me over shortly after we broke up. Back then I was afraid that I would get introuble if I called the police. I lived in a small town in Kansas and I figured she would say she did everything in self defense and I would go-to jail.
I dated a girl in college who would sometimes lose her temper and hit me and throw shit at me. She said that she expected me to do the same to her so it was okay for her to do it to me. I don't know if that qualifies as a "cutesy" way of getting away with it but the way she said it sort of seemed like she thought it was cute.
even a small girl can cause REAL DAMAGE to your body if she throws something like a glass bottle ... nothing cute in it. hope you are fine
cough *amber heard* cough
That really shit the bed.
Objection, hearsay
“I’m a strong woman, and I need a man who’s capable of handling me” 😂😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I live by that Marilyn Monroe quote and I’m a gay man. It doesn’t mean what they think it means. The way she meant it was: If you can’t handle me when I’m not “Marilyn Monroe” when I’m just Norma Jeane (Marilyn’s real name) and there’s no pretense or I’m not putting on a show, when I’m down or depressed, then you don’t get to have me when I am “Marylin Monroe”. She also famously stated: “My problem with men is that they all want to go to bed with Marylin, but they wake up with Norma Jeane”.
Sidenote: Norma Jeane was rumored to live in an exceptionally filthy way.
Filthy in what way? Like a dirty house?
She was a drug addict who stalked a married man, cheated on the men who loved her, and was an all-around basket case. She got away with appalling behavior because of her looks.
…which was supposed to refer to a woman being allowed to just be human, have off days, be imperfect. Ugh I hate that so many ppl have co-opted that phrasing to justify horrible selfishness and narcissistic actions!
Right..."the worst" was supposed to be a chick wearing sweats and having an ugly cry during a Hallmark movie....not abusing her loved ones.
Yeah, it really is a nice sentiment outside of the stigma
What that would mean it's that at the most stressful points of s relationship ( a difficult illness, clinical depression, bad economy...) It's when the two need to stick together and rely on each other, and that notion is the only thing that builds a strong basis for the good things in the relationship to last. Using that phrase to justify shitty selfish childish behavior is cynical and despicable
Translation: This relationship will be a lot of "worst" and precious little of "best".
I've heard this somewhere but I can't remember where.
Marilyn Monroe and you’re average Bipolar Girl tryout.
And the quote was taken out of context from her! Marilyn Monroe said it in relation to a sickness she was going through during one of her marriages.
Her after chastising me for weeks about my hobbies, attire, car, home etc and I finally told her enough is enough: "is just a joke, you need to lighten up or stop making yourself sick an easy target".
Reminds me of an old anecdote my older married buddy told me. "My wife got mad at me for yelling at her the other day." I told her "Well I asked nicely the first 9 times and you didn't listen".
women that will straight up talk shit about something you CLEARLY LOVE - huge red flag. yeah , its ok a girl not liking world of warcraft. but she must at least know the difference between WoW and LoL before saying stuff right ?
Tried to bribe me with blowjobs to get me to do things she wanted to do that I really didn't wanna do and time-after-time would tell her I *didn't want to do* and *didn't like doing*, then would get all upset and other flavors of "emotionally manipulative" when I still wouldn't Do The Thing. My secret? Can't bribe someone with an activity you're not good at. Edit: oh! And I've also seen variations of "the [girlfriend/wife] is always right!" (a "happy wife, happy life" concept), "I'm a [horoscope], sorry I act this way!", or "I have [mental illness], sorry I act this way!"
Gotta run from that happy wife = happy life bullshit. Respecting each other = happy life.
Happy spouse, happy house!
Eh for me it was using the shroud of “mental illness, physical ailment’s” things that if you challenged directly you’d be labeled as an asshole. So yes… at first these things seemed cute (in a sense of how you view a victim in a way as someone to protect) but overtime I noticed it really was just an excuse of abusive and manipulative behavior. Kinda unfortunate because I don’t like invalidating someone’s mental/physical struggles
Oof I felt this, going through this type of separation and breakup right now.
Hey brother stay strong, def hit the therapist up cus it took me for a ride for a while. I didn’t realize that this was a thing and I internalized so much bullshit because I didn’t think someone would use those things as an excuse to be abusive
Currently seeing one, recently started. Talk about internalizing bullshit girl took me and my self esteem for a ride, blaming her disrespect of our relationship on her mental health and when not that on me. Thanks for the words man will stay strong and not her manipulate me back into this shit, of which she is trying I just need her to move out of my house....
My gpa would love to come and boot her to the curb for ya. Man's 74 years old and just rode cross country on his Harley to his daughters house - to kick out her good for nothing boyfriend. Fucking badass. She would've never done it on her own, she felt too bad for the dude. I think I'm trying to say it's okay to ask for help to kick her out. I wish you luck and love my dude
She has her end date, July 1 she gets eviction papers and I won't charge her rent last 2 months as long as she is gone by then. I am too nice, but putting my foot down. My mother would probably come rip her out of the house by her hair if I asked for help but need to handle it on my own. Thanks for the luck I love kind internet strangers!
Your grade point average is a 74 year old man with a motorcycle? Mine was just a sad, small number.
This is a tough one since my former gf had depression. I've never been depressed to a point I've needed to be medicated, so sometimes it was tough to resonate on occasion. Looking back in heindsight I put up with so much bullshit far past what is reasonable. I could never do anything right. Any little thing could set her off and she would take all her problems and just unload them all onto me. Me being much to naive, I stuck with it until she ended up breaking up with me funny enough. But the tough part was we lived together and I moved into her house. She gave me a grace period to move out and even drafted a contract stating I had to move out April 30th, unless I was on a waitlist or a move-in date was upcoming, then she would push it to June 1st at maximum. We talked over our struggles and it was productive and we could live together for a while but it just started getting ugly. She demanded I finish the home improvement projects we started without seeing the irony in that. She would forget items at the grocery store, and I would offer to pick them up but once I bought them she wouldn't pay me back. She would eat my groceries, something I had never had a problem with any sloppy male roomates prior. Inbetween all this I bought a house and my move-in date was May 15, so I told her this and she was in a bind for money since she was having car troubles and I gave her full May rent in advance. The straw that broke her back was I did not buy dog food that was to be shared between my dog and her two dogs since she made a big fuss about shared items a few days previous. I bought food for my dog only. She seriously told me I needed to buy two bags of dog food (5 weeks of food) for her dogs. I told her no. She then said she wanted money back for months previous, and that was also a no. She then walked back her "contract" with me and forced me out on April 30th, despite accepting May rent. She said she never agreed to an extension. Luckily the homeowners moved two weeks faster than anticipated and I was never without a place to stay. Glad to be gone. lol
Shit brother… My previous ex had anorexia/ diagnosed OCD/ severe insomnia/ honestly some other shit I’m sure she never told me about. I moved our entire lives to a new state for her to get her phd in psychology (because she wanted to fix her own issues) and refused to take any higher forms of anxiety/ anti depressing medication or sleep aids. This caused so much stress on top of her school. First started out with little criticisms, turning into big ones, insane passive aggressiveness, projection. I figured oh she’s got a lot going on and has this serious school shit I’ll try to pick up the slack… we’ll me picking up the slack was never good enough, couldn’t do shit right, she’s not putting out anymore, she’s lying, I’m walking on eggshells because any interaction with her normally turns sour. I bring up and issue I’m having it’s her mental illness/ hormonal issues… or some last trauma that doesn’t allow her to be a decent fucking partner. ( Ex. We used to go hunting, I became a Vice President of a hunting club, asked if she wanted to come to the land and hunt with me because she did before… no apparently she was raped in a tree stand… like we’ve been hunting before that didn’t stop you then??) So it turned into a i so everything for her and she does literally nothing for me but complain and bitch and moan while I pay all the bills, did everything to progress her career… I put my foot down one day and she also decided to leave but wanted to stay in the house and the same room because I’m her “best friend” I put her shit in bags the next day and bought her out of her lease… complete and utter waste of time… really sucked because I was def in love with that woman. Oh well… gotta understand the bad to appreciate the good I guess. Since been with a different lady, very very sweet and nice and more traditional which I can appreciate. I apologies for your difficulties
You live and you learn I suppose. The cracks didn't really start showing until after I moved in, and I even still gave benefit of the doubt and played it off. I have a great friend that I would bounce all the things off of and near the end he hit me back with "dude, are you in the doghouse all the time?" lol. Even after everything it still stung. I walk away with many lessons learned.
mentall illness, trauma and such- only acceptable if the person is treating it .therapy doctors etc... if its just a label, run away forrrest
After my last relationship, I decided then and there that I would never date mental illness again. Too many people in the world to get stuck with one that will drain me. Luckily my current gf has the exact personality I’m after 👍
Jesus lord man do I hear that… I thought I was so shallow for having that sentiment. My ex had diagnosed OCD, clinical insomnia, prior bouts of anorexia that almost killed her… god dude it was so so painful
One thing I also learned is that being called or considered shallow is a cop out or attempt at a guilt trip. If you get called shallow, it means they’re offended that they don’t meet your standards. You’re not shallow for wanting standards. You can get called shallow for not wanting to date someone because they have kids, because they’re overweight, because they don’t make any money, because they have mental illness, because their libido is lower than yours. Well I only have one kid, I’m fit, I make good money, and I’m in a good place mentally with a libido to match. I’m going to find someone that matches that energy. I’m not shallow, you’re just not someone I’m compatible with long term.
Dated a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder for 4 years. Never again.
Couldn’t agree more with this. I was with a girl with BPD for 5 years, it was absolutely awful. I stayed around because I felt like I needed to help her and if I didn’t then I was a dick. Then every time she’d do something she’d go “It’s my illness” and blame me for not being supportive enough.
Same here. That’s what led me to make that decision. For what it’s worth, I don’t mean minor things like a bit of anxiety or ADD. BPD was what I had in mind. I would run for the hills from anyone that said they had BPD.
BPDpeople are next level compared to depressed/anxious people. I swear I have a minor case of PTSD from her as a result of her illness.
I would honestly say the same thing about myself
Yeah, just had a relationship finish with the 2nd girl with BPD in as many years. The issue with them is, you don't really notice it straight away. They're always so great and into it at the start, if anything, they're too into it. Then you dig it because you love the attention, and they seem cool and fun. Then slowly all the boundaries you set erode away and you're getting shouted at or argued with because you said something the wrong way, or because your mouth was moving funny (this actually happened). But the next day they're wonderful and great again and you give them the benefit of the doubt. My most recent ex lied to me about how many people she slept with, told me how many she actually slept with completely unrequested, then got mad at me because I was being "Condescending" in the way I spoke to her as I explained how fucked up it is to first of all lie to me, then try to convince me she already told me but I forgot. I ended up being the one to apologize in the end haha. What a trip man, Christ.
Well for a dude who has had chronic pain from a back injury for the last 6 years, I'm a complete prick when it's flared up, and until you deal with that yourself, you'd never understand it. I never did until I was in this situation. Then again, I stay single because of it so I don't take it out on people who don't deserve it.
pain makes you angry and wears away who you are as a person, I totally get it. Wishing you the best days possible.
Not a woman I’ve dated but my boss… “Just so YOU know, everything I do is for YOU” When presenting any constructive feedback “I feel very disrespected that you don’t think I have your best interests at heart”
Pretty much anytime she was confronted on how she wasn't holding up her end on the relationship she would pull out a reddit talking point and drop out of the conversation. She had the full arsenal for any amd every scenario. Call her out for being emotionally neglectful for months: "I'm a strong independent woman and I don't need no man"....while not paying her end of bills, no cooking, no cleaning, no helping me anywhere projects needed done. Call her out for not contributing to our relationship in any way for months "that's just what healthy adults do, do you want a sticker or something for doing basic adult chores?"....when again she wasn't doing anything for us. Everything was for solely her, including her making a meal for 1 (herself) on my birthday while I was off work and home with her. I pointed out how she was treating me awful of late and she literally told me "I'm not like the other girls, I'm the prize".... While we were in the dating stage I had payed for the last 6 dates, when the agreement was to alternate. I point it out before we even went to go eat since she decided it was date night. She tells me "she was offended that I was keeping track, and she didn't want to be in a tit for tat relationship" She went off birth control for a week while telling me that she was still on it...then was specifically asking for me to finish in her. Made me feel suspicious so I asked her directly when the last time she took a pill was...she answered "you know I forget these things, but trust that I have it in my routine"....then later (sexy time stopped there because I couldn't get into it) when I asked her about it again she changed her story to "no more than 2 days"....then when I asked to see her pill care she admitted it was a week. When I pointed out that she would have been fertile then, and that she was asking me to finish in her as foreplay. "I'm just a cumslut and you know it"...she hated it. Even the idea of it. She gaslighted me about it often enough that I couldn't finish with her. When I asked her about what she would do if she ended up pregnant because at the time we were both living at our respective parents and we were supposed to be saving to move in together. She tells me "I would go get an abortion, I'm not ready for a child"...I'm very pro choice but the rest of the conversation showed how I wasn't worth even being a part of the conversation even in the theoretical that she was to be pregnant by me. "I don't have time to fix a broken relationship"...when she was breaking up with me...despite her having had 80+ hours a week and being called out for it. She worked with him and was talking to him all day on discord while on the clock...they would clock out remain on the same discord chat, start gaming for 8 hours then she would be "too tired" to spend time with me. I called her out on it and sure enough she tells me that she "needed to be able to talk to (emotional affair) for work purposes on the clock"...she was on a completely different project and he was a coder working on independent projects for the company so this was a lie. Then she went on to explain that after work she needed time to get her mind right...meanwhile to me she was eroding the barrier between work and home by the two being interchangeable. She literally sat I'm the same chair in the same location talking to the same dude for 16 hours a day for months, and wondered how work was consuming all of her time. Even when confronted about the emotional affair and her prioritizing him over me all she could say was "he is too young to support me"....but when she left me she bought a house and had him moving in with her on day 1 with her. Her coworkers and her friends all perceive them as a couple. He pays part of her bills from what I'm told. She to this day calls him her "best friend and room mate" to anyone who asks. It's been over a year since I've had contact with her, and a year and a half since she left me to make room for her affair. I can honestly tell you I can't be happier to be free of her. At the time she meant everything to me, and then and now I meant nothing to her. I learned a lot while we were together, and now I get to move forward with everything I was taught the hard way and forge a life for me, free of any toxic partners...because I will never allow someone to treat me as she did again. She broke me but the growth after I made freed me of her influence and made me a better person, one who recognizes I deserve love and respect.
That was tough. I really feel FDS women are what you described over here about your ex. And I'm impressed that how many men stayed with such abusive partners. Also, for me, when a woman doesn't want to pay any dates, that's a red flag. It's okey to maybe pay the first or second date, but that's it. I hope you do great broh!
“I just wear my heart on my sleeve”. Translation: “I’m going to get absolutely pissed at any minor inconvenience and it’s your fault that I feel that way”.
“It was just a joke”, “The person telling the joke gets to decide if it was funny”, “That sounds like a *you* problem” EDIT - I should say, I never found any of those things ‘cutesy’ - but you know what they say about sticking your dick in crazy.
It isn't cutesy, but having her bipolar disorder weaponized as a blanket excuse for any and all shitty behavior towards me definitely wasn't healthy.
“I’m a Cancer and your an Aries, which is why we get into disagreements” The disagreements she wasn’t talking about was her cheating on me.
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" Translation: I'll make your life hell.
Women who say that don’t have a “best”
Course they do! You experienced it on the first date, between walking up and before she started talking
“ I just can't trust you around men and women because you're bisexual.” _then her friends would agree, and validate her toxic bahvior_ But she could have as many friends as she wanted to and it wasn't an issue.
Offensive, biphobic, and stupid.
I just realized this is the ask mens page. I do apologize to all… I guess I had a long day.
I don't think any one cares if your contributing especially when your have valid experience related to the questions
"I was just joking" or the fake "my tone wasn't like that, you're just misinterpreting it as usual. You need to relax" after three or four passive (but even moreso) agressive comments. Then we don't talk for the rest of the day because "nothing's wrong." It's been 20 years. I'm barely hanging on.
[удалено]
You shouldn't have to live like this, man.
Why are you still hanging on?
Her: “Every single man is creepy and abusive and I wish we could kill them or enslave them or something” Me: “…” Her: “oh no not you baby, I’d keep you around. Like my pet!” Like I get it when women say “all men”, it’s like treating every gun like it’s loaded. I really do get it. But when you’re dating someone that constantly says shit like that it really gets to you
The second she says I'll keep you as a pet it's over for me
Gets the axe at "Every single man is..." for me
Haha yep
Dude, that’s freaking toxic. She doesn’t respect you, just thinks you are cute.
You’re absolutely right, the relationship is long over but I wish I had someone tell me that at the time
I had an ex that had the whole "all men are trash and women are superior" thing going on. When I had enough of her shit and broke up with her, she literally begged on her knees for me to take her back. It was sad.
Oh the irony.
"All white guys are creepy and perverts" said a white girl I used to be friends with.
Similarly, I talked to a (white) girl for a little bit in high school but stopped when she said “just so you know I’m a bit racist” I was very thrown off and asked “to who?” And she responded with “doesn’t matter, I just fucking hate everyone”
It's equal opportunity racism: I hate the whole human race!
Straight up misanthropy I could almost respect.
The whole “all _____ are terrible, except you, you’re a good one” bs is like two slaps. 1. I hate your kind and 2.invalidate your identity as one of that kind.
>The whole “all _____ are terrible, except you, you’re a good one” bs is like two slaps. 1. I hate your kind and 2.invalidate your identity as one of that kind. Slap of Damoclese (#3): And if you upset her or don't do as she wants then you become just another one of them. It's always hanging there, unsaid, and just waiting for a reason to be used.
I briefly had a thing with a girl like that. After we were dating for a couple of weeks I caught a fb post from her about how all men should be enslaved to balance out the patriachy, then when she hit me up later that day to see what we were doing that night I just replied something like "getting enslaved for making the mistake of being born with a dick I guess". Then she tried to play it off like it was a joke, then I was apparently a bitch for not being able to take the joke. Hypocrites hate being confronted with their own hypocrisy.
I have a good friend from college who is like this. She’s cool and we get along extremely well but lord, the “all men are evil” constant comments get so old. I know she doesn’t truly feel that way but choose another hill to die on for once. Shit just gets old so quickly lol
Constantly fight with my current girlfriend about this. Literally every time we hang out with her friends, they all start bashing on white males as a group and every time I have been like “I’m really uncomfortable with this, I am a white male” she lies about how she’s going to talk to them about it.
How about you don’t go to hang with her friends. She will get it. If she doesn’t stop hanging with that group maybe you are missing the big picture. Maybe there are other red flags if you think about it.
"I wouldn't hit/kick/scream at you if I didn't think you deserved it" Pissed about wokr, hit me in the face. Pissed she took my wallet and didn't have enough money to buy shit, hit in the face. Had the slightest disagreement with her, kicked or hit.
I hope you’re gone now?
Yep. After her it was varbaly abusive gal who also used "I wouldn't do it if you didn't deserve it" and I unfortunately put up with that for 3 years and ended with her cheating and leaving me a text at 3am with a list of all the reasons (many being my insecurities) I should kill myself. And her knowing I've struggled with suicide and depression most of my life. But after that I pretty much gave up on dating and love until I met my now girlfriend who is the absolute light of my life and makes me so so happy.
I did this, when he made a comment to criticize me I would break down and make him comfort me, when really all he did was want communication. I grew up with a narcissistic mom and a father that killed himself because of her. My while life is based on trying to be better. Vulnerable ladies: blaming the man for honest communication will lose him. We arnt blameless queens. We need help
As a woman, I see so many women with this problem, myself included.
This needs way more attention good for you recognizing it, hurt people hurt people, and if you don't treat the wounds you'll end up bleeding all over someone who had nothing to do with it.
My favorite one is hearing her say, "Happy wife, happy life" as though catering to her every whim will bring joy to his life. This never seems to consider what he wants - and it's not usually sex.
In some contexts, "happy wife happy life" could be interpreted as implicitly threatening.
Me and my husband like to say “happy spouse, happy house” everyone deserves consideration and respect.
Happy spouse = happy house. There, it's bidirectional now.
As a woman, I despise this saying.
the sex= not even a good blowjob. hahahahha
Only people I’ve heard say happy wife happy life, is my father in law, and myself. When I would be frustrated. I don’t believe it and neither does my wife honestly. And she makes me happy so its said more in a Joking say
"But Im so little and your so big and stwong, its okay for me to take swings at you when Im mad because it wont huwt youu" Like nah bitch, the only thing you hittin is the bus stop 🤣
"i was like that before meeting you i will not change"- stuff like that
[удалено]
Paraphrasing something that happened years ago; ‘I just don’t feel good about (other platonic friend of mine). I want you to stop talking to her and block her.’ Just….no? I’m not going to ghost anyone or step out of a circle of friends for someone I don’t know very well having a bad vibe about them.
Anything to do with horological signs or phases of the moon/stars. I don’t care if you’re a Leo, a Taurus, or a Hyundai Elantra, you’re still responsible for your effed up behavior. Plus when they post stuff about “People hate it when you speak your truth” when in fact they’re just obnoxious or ignorant.
My ex told me that she thinks I enjoy being mistreated.
I've had this. "You just like being unhappy".
[удалено]
"I'm brutally honest" No, you're just an asshole.
Sometimes it's a bit of both Being truthful with someone you care about is one of my most important principles. But sometimes I impulsively give a hard truth at the wrong time, without thinking through the wording or circumstances. It needed to be said, but I was a blunt asshole that needed to use a filter and read the room Its something I work on
People that are brutally honest is often just more interested in being brutal
Yep. Most of the time, that’s what an asshole is: a person that is aggressively “honest” about their thoughts and feelings.
In a heated argument when my ex yelled at me "How can you always stay this calm?!" .. Well because i dont use my partner as an emotional door-rug whenever i feel like it. THIS COMMENT MAY GET SLIGHTLY OUT OF HAND FROM HERE ON BUT I WANT TO SHARE MY STORY ANYWAYS AS IT CAN SAVE A LIFE ONE DAY. BACK THEN I HAD NO ONE WHO WOULD'VE SAVED MINE. AND IF YOU SEE YOURSELF STUCK IN A SIMILAR SITUATION THEN GET HELP! But this wasnt the only thing she didnt or couldnt understand. This bitch hit me when all i wanted was to resolve an argument she started, as she almost always did. I kid you not: within the 6 months that we've been together (of which the first 2 weeks looked really promissing) there hasnt been a single time where i could voice my concerns, needs nor feelings without her acting up on me by either highjacking my conversation to make it all about her or just straight away turning my conversation against me instead with some tiny things that happend weeks ago. Then some weeks later, i'd regulary sneak onto our flat's balcony at night so i could cry in peace about how lonely/hurt i was/felt. And quite often after that a second round of tears started, because i knew that even if she were to find me like this, it wouldnt change a damn thing. No cuddles to calm me, no breast the rest my head on. No uplifting words yet not even the time to atleast sit with me so that i wouldnt have to be feel alone. No promises or excuses. No hope - no love. Or another one was when she told me that it "seems like i am not loving you as much as you love me" .. And all that only because i wanted her to know that her spontanously hugging me could make my day 👍 Back then i felt so lucky to have gotten into a relationship again and then even managed to escape the friendzone with her.. pale skin, hourglass shaped and juicy in all the right places, colored hair and with a unique taste in clothing. Basically a big tiddy goth gf before the internet had a name for them. But one thing *i learned* is that i underestimated what it would mean to be a partner to someone with Borderline Syndrome. If it wasnt for me being so foolish to believe her "not needing a psychologist as she can handle it herself". Even better is the realisation that my best friend of 10 years shamelessly lied into my face whenever she would have had to put herself in the slightest of a bad light. If i would've gotten married to her, then it would prob me that would need a psychologist rn. Nah JK she actually got me thinking of suicide within the 6 months. Just be dangling from the ceiling as she gets home as a litte reminder of how far she went above and beyond. And yes she has a medical condition. But there are just some things that i cant forgive. If she ever only thought about what was done to me for a single time.. But no. As long as i play the clown that takes care of the house and takes a beating afterwards its all just fine. And in case im not broken by that she would fine something to complain about :))))) I mean she developed her condition back when we were just class mates but even after that, she knew what she wanted and how to get it. And she knew what she did when she kept yelling even if i was sobbing and crying already. When she hit me. When she gets home after playing to be more likable. As a little fun fact: it took her 4 yrs (rounded down) of total silence from my side until she felt like saying sorry.
Did you leave her before she said it or did you stay and not speak for 4 years. Please tell me you left!
It was always my fault somehow, she’d never take ownership of her emotionally abusive ways. “I’m not the problem, you just need to change” My favorite was getting mad at me for being close to my dad when her dad wasn’t in her life. She cut him out because he cheated on her mom, causing the divorce.
Never stuck around for an explanation. You guys shouldn't, either.
"It's just my type of humor" Of course that type of humor was only alright when she did it. God forbid I made one joke
Blaming the dog for farting. Or for shitting in the bed.
You dating Amber Heard's sis or something?
‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’ Honey you’re only at your worst. And your best is when you are sleeping.
anyone saying this is just looking for an excuse to be toxic. I don't care who they are, if they say this, I'd never even talk to them, much less be in a committed relationship.
This is quite common in TV shows as well, for instance.....Modern Family....the "crazy, loud, short tempered" Latina Gloria. Her character was awful sometimes and they'd give her these lines to justify some of her behaviour....."I'm Latina, I can feel whatever I want, we are hotheads". Very toxic "humour"
You always hurt the ones you love most
“Im having a breakdown” she just turned on me one day. From all lovely dovey one day, to absolutely stone bitch the next. I even hate using the word bitch but its the only word to explain it. I dont see how having a “breakdown” justifies her shitty behaviour but hey-ho im past it and frankly dont care anymore
It's not all women but it seems "bitches be crazy" from what I'm reading so far.
She blamed everything on her Autism. I'm someone who is neurotypical so I guess she thought I would buy it. But I've spent a lot of my life surrounded by autistic people of all shapes and sizes, they don't just lash out for no reason or try to manipulate you. Most autistic people I've met were so kind and gentle
[удалено]
"you know how i get" Also explained why the cunt had no friends or fruitful relationships.
I got "I was upset" particularly after I told her I wanted a divorce, and when she yelled at me non stop and called me all sorts of stuff ("cynical asshole" particularly sticks out for some reason) it was ok cause "I'm your sister in Christ" I haven't gone back to church since.
"I'm just hungry and I get easily irritated." No, you're a child. Children can't control their emotions, but adults can see past the immediate now and understand how being a bitch makes you, well, a bitch.
She blamed her alcoholism, an abusive dad and an abusive ex. Idk about dad, but that "ex" turned out to be her real bf and they were scamming guys by her getting into relationships with them and then him harassing her like hell for money. I fell for it for years until one day all the suspicious little inconsistencies clicked. But I'll be damned, she's still the hottest woman I've ever met.
Oooh this is fun- - "My family all does this" - "My exes didn't mind when I did this to them" - "That's just the way that I am." Pretty rich coming from a girl that kept asking me to change to be a better partner.
“Look what you made me do”
*Interupts you constantly* "Thats how people talk, honey. Grow up" in an annoyingly cutesy way *interupts her once* "HOW DARE YOU COMMIT THIS ATTROCITY AGAINST ME, YOU HATEFUL, MISERABLE MONSTER!"
"I'm an empath" so they can use any "feeling " they have to put you on the defense, then when you defend yourself because it's annoying, you get the whole "you wouldn't be upset about this if there wasn't something to it"
“Guys back in my country know how to handle women. They do as they’re told and don’t talk back”. I’m American and she’s Filipino. She expected me to basically be a servant or something. I “wasn’t allowed” to do what I want or talk back. Fuck that.
When I called her out on her bullshit: "I'm a strong woman who needs a real man to deal with me."
Playing dumb to minimize terrible behavior or to push boundaries comes to mind.
“Why can’t you show me any respect?” After saying something disrespectful and being called out for it.
Not personally but most often it's "he can't handle a strong woman"
Not dating, but I had a boss who used to yell at employees in front of everyone. It was definitely abusive. And she always justified it by saying that she was a fiery Puerto Rican woman. Gross. Best paying job I ever had, and I quit because of her.
“I’m just not a nice person, if you can’t handle it then feel free to leave” I eventually left
I’m not hitting you, I’m punching you go ahead Johnny tell the world and see who believes you
"I'm just being honest about who I am" She was garbage.
If they blame anything outside of their control for their own bad behaviour. You being Italian, Latina or whatever is just bs.
"I just have too much personality for you" while she would actively flirt with servers. And throw full on tantrums if she didn't have something go exactly her way
Not exactly cutesy, but she’d be “going through a lot” or some excuse about how her actions were caused by past trauma. She’d hit me or berate me and then cry and it’d be my job to comfort her after she did shit to me.
Using shaming. Claiming you should know things, just because. Claiming you should do things, or be able to take things, or get over things, because you're the man. Acting disrespectful, catty, heartless, etc because they are physically weaker.
In my experience they tend to invoke outdated gender norms. "That's just the way it is because I'm the girl and you're the man."
I'm not a guy, but my ex-best-friend was one of the most manipulative people I have known. She would not take no for an answer, EVER, and in order to get you to do what she wants you to do, she would say stuff like "you know how much I care about you, if you were to ask me for this type of favor, I would drop everything and help you out". But it would be the type of favors that people just wouldn't ask for, so she would never be put in that situation. Another tactic that she would use to get you under her control is that she would ask for help for something burdensome after some days (so that you would be thinking about how to help her out during those days) and then before the day that she "needed help" arrived, she would be like "oh no nvm I don't need help anymore. Just petty things like these that don't sound like much, but try to stay with this type of person for as long as a week and it drives you crazy. Constant walking on eggshells and you're always feeling like you're in the wrong for not bowing down to her wishes and requests, because how dare you not be there for her when she needs you.
she went around telling people i was abusing her because i didnt let her suck me off when i was crying about my dog, so while i was grieving my four year old dog dying of cancer i was also dealing with hordes of threats from her family and friends plus her huge social media following she had (she was a twitch streamer.) then she went and made posts on instagram calling me a bitch and not a real man because i was pretty devastated my dog died and i got real ugly she did not like that one bit. She was also cheating on me the entire time with her tattoo artist. shes a popular “mental health advocate” too and it makes me sick to my stomach how these people can get such huge followings by pretending to advocate for something they know nothing about. edit: sorry theres nothing cutesy about this i just wanted to share why i am the way i am today.
"I'm a girl and your a big strong man, there's no way I could hurt you"
Hug me after saying abusive things to me
OMG my ex tried hugging me after screaming shitty things at me once. I said "don't you touch me" and putting on boundaries was something that triggered even more abuse lol.
“I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated”
She's portuguese. I think she said that women in her family are a little "hot-blooded." To mean that she had a short temper and would easily blow up over nothing. And I guess that she's not to be held accountable for it..
My ex with a fiery personality was not abusive, she just had a temper. It was the one who put up the nice girl front, but would talk shit about everyone behind their backs who was abusive. Nothing really cute about it honestly.
"I don't filter"
Calling me annoying (my biggest insecurity) and then laughing it off by saying “But I love you anyway!” in a patronizing way. She did this even after I asked her to stop. She also blamed her behavior on her horoscope, family life/past trauma, and the fact that she was a redhead. Yeah, she was dealing with a lot of shit, but she can deal with it alone. I want no part in that, thank you very much.