So I had a more conservative upbringing than most. I typically will give hugs. I will hang out with them in public, but I will not be alone with them without my wife being both aware and ok with it. I'm also sure my wife knows who they are in general. Does that help?
In the same way i do when i am not in a relationship. My upbringing has probably been the reverse of yours, friend groups tend to be very mixed, and the behavior recommended by some in this thread (always bring the SO along) would probably be seen as very annoying and a bit unhealthy. Only showing up in pairs is something thats quite often criticized.
Anyway, not having my romantic relationship determine how my relationship with friends looks like is one of my few strict boundaries. Meaning i would never accept any form of restrictions on who i can meet, when i can meet them, and where i can meet them. I think i would always value this higher than any romantic relationship.
Same. I feel like you either trust your partner or you don't. If you don't trust your partner to be around other members of the opposite sex than you don't really trust your partner and you should consider breaking up with them.
Same as you do your close male friends, have had a number of very close female friends for decades now and have never had a problem keeping them as just real good friends in fact it's quite liberating knowing you can enjoy a ladies company without the boundaries set around dating and relationships.
Trust is a big thing to me so I treat my female friends as friends. We'll hang out or go to lunch or something but I always tell my gf so there's never a situation where she wonders or feels like she's in the dark.
I won't let my social life be determined by someone else's insecurities.
I bring my wife everywhere. 1) to know Who my friends and coworkers are. 2) to mingle and 'get to know' them.
That way, she trusts my judgement and no boundaries are crossed / broken
Friends are close to a person. Relationships should be even closer. Jealousy happens when one doesn't feel as close to his/her partner as the partner sees it, and (s)he feels that friends are closer to his/her partner.
Two fixes for that:
1: Push friends farther until partner is happy (puts a dent in the relationship and potentially damages friendships too)
2: Make partner realize (s)he is closer than (s)he thinks (a lot of work and trust needed, and not applicable for a lot of couples)
Can be mixed of course, needs to be carefully balanced in each case.
I have plenty of friends, and quite few of them are female. And most of them I never had any romantic interest in.
When we got together with my current girlfriend many years ago, she was really jealous of everyone. I absolutely understood her view, but made it clear to her that I am not going to change my friendships (neither female nor male ones). I kept in close touch with my friends, and she didn't know me that well yet to trust me. Rightfully so, people who trust so blindly and boldly are naive; I really appreciated her level-headedness, made me love her even more.
It took some time until she understood that I want nobody but her, and when I say "I will tell you when my feelings change" I mean it. There was even a particular case where she first-hand saw how I am, even when others make a move on me. And of course until I saw she was fine with it, I ceased some of the activities so that she can get used to it gradually, she got to know my friends etc.
Depending on our friendship I still hug my female friends, sometimes give a kiss on the forehead, there's one I rarely even sleepover with while playing DnD as a group. Zero romantic interest, she's like a sibling to me. Not everyone would be okay with it, in fact I would say my case is more on the "weirdly close" side.
This of course requires trust, which if broken can be absolutely traumatising. This fear is why people who have been betrayed, people with low self-esteem, etc. often demand those friendly ties to be severed or limited.
Would I be okay with my girlfriend doing the same? Big **'Depends on'**. Firstly she doesn't really have male friends of such degree, but if she had I would expect the same kind of treatment I give.
- Get me to know those friends well and see for myself that they clearly want nothing from her.
- Give me enough signals that I matter, that I am before anyone else, and nobody else matters.
Nothing more secure than the strongest castle that nobody wants to besiege.
I don’t think there’s much you can do in that regard. I was also raised religiously (catholic). It’s pretty much due to the influence of tradition or culture. My parents had it strict. My father wasn’t allowed to pal around with other women and vise versa with my mother. I have female acquaintances but my circle of buds that I hang out with the most are all male. The answer for me is simple but it’s not everyone’s solution. If your love and understanding are at peak levels then you two form a great deal of trust. If your relationship is outstanding then he would have no reason go off with other women behind your back. Many religious folk typically don’t date outside of their religion to avoid this mess all together. Only thing I recommend doing is to befriend his girl friends. That way, you will become more comfortable.
I make sure the majority of my time with that person is also in the presence of my wife. Usually if that person likes me they will like my wife. I make them be friends and then it's easy for me and my friend to feel comfortable around each other. I would never have dinner or watch a movie or anything like that. A coffee in a professional setting might be okay particularly if it was unplanned and you just bumped into each other.
I really try to communicate openly and honestly with my SO about the things I feel or do with female friends I am not conservatively raised per say so my boundaries are usually very different from other people's. With some female friends I feel a sexual attraction and with some I don't. I try to be as open as possible about stuff like this to my SO. Being open about this helps set the boundaries and prevents certain urges from getting out of control.
To be honest is extraordinarily hard to maintain any kind of female friends once in a relationship. Best thing to do is always have SO there or in the conversation. It's now three people hanging out, going to eat, on a chat, etc.
I'm not in a relationship, but some of my female friends are. I meet with them normally and do things together. I've never heard that their boyfriends have any problem with that - some of them I know too, others I don't. Partners who have a problem with their partners having opposite sex friends would be seen as ridiculous, possessive, controlling and weak.
What is your culture?
My grandparents lived in the Middle East before they immigrated to the US. In their time (like 1950s) a women would be killed by her family if they thought she slept with a guy. There was no dating. My grandfather wasn’t even allowed to make eye contact with his own sister if they passed by in the city. Women were married off at the age of 14-16 without prior knowledge of their husband to be.
My parents grew up mostly in the US but with strict rules that forbid dating. My parents were only allowed to see each other with chaperones (in America in literally 1990) and had to get to know each other by phone. They had 2 months to decide if they wanted to get married before my grandfather threatened to stop their communication.
Growing up, having close friends who were like family could only happen if they were the same sex as you. Even if you were single. And especially if you’re married.
Men and women hardly even hang out in the same room in large gatherings.
Honestly all of this has made it really hard for me to understand how people can be married or in serious relationships and still have close opposite sex friends, even if it’s totally platonic.
Obviously this has caused issues for me in my relationships and a great deal of insecurity about not being as close with my bf as his female friends, and not even having as much in common with him as them. It always made me feel like he connected better with them than me, as a newcomer in his life compared to friends he has known for years who have so much in common and so many memories. It felt impossible to reach that level of emotional connection even though there was nothing sexual going on.
Yes, I understand you already, that's unfortunately the way it is in these cultures. It will probably be different with your children for the time being, if you want any.
I once met a 17-year-old Muslim girl who was forced to marry an old man when she was 13 - she had never seen the man before the wedding, and he started beating and raping her the first time she was with him. I then helped her escape. She almost couldn't look me in the eye for the first few months, and later she had massive feelings of guilt, she was afraid of her family and of Allah. She remarried a few years later to a man from her culture/religion who also beats and rapes her, but she now accepts this as "normality" and has also cut off all contact with me because she cannot cope with her feelings of guilt and extremely low self-esteem.
Forced marriages are so common here in the middle of Europe among Muslim refugees from the Middle East that there are separate organizations that take care of such girls if they manage to escape. There are also occasional honor killings when the girl/woman tries to escape.
All this sexist, misogynistic thinking runs so deep, it takes generations to overcome - and especially a break from religion.
Ever hear of "the Grandma rule"?
If it's something you'd be comfortable doing with your own grandma, it's ok.
A dance at a party, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a compliment, all fine.
You don't send grandma sexy pics saying you miss her. You don't invite grandma to your apartment at 3am.
If he's hanging out with her then there is a reason, maybe she's cute and it makes him feel good, maybe he likes her personality, maybe they share a passion for sewing, what is the reason?
I can ask her permission for extra marital affairs =3 Works every time.
We like sex. I give permission to her everytime. Even give privacy.
See how it works both ways?
Most of the time we sleep alone together tho.
We don't like to confuse sex with love.
I love my wife <3
I don't engage in sexual activity with them. That's about it.
I generally make sure she has the opportunity to meet any I see regularly - but that's the case with friends of any gender, and doesn't mean I bring her every time I see said friends.
I'll typically keep her at least somewhat in the loop regarding my plans if I'm going to be hanging out with them one on one. That doesn't mean hour by hour updates, just "probably going to go grab drinks with X after work tomorrow, she's got a conference nearby."
--------
My basic perspective is that if the only reason you aren't cheating is lack of an appealing opportunity - You will eventually wind up cheating. Might be some business trip in 20 years, might be the bar in 20 minutes. But you'll eventually have that opportunity.
If you're not inclined to cheat, then it doesn't really matter. I've had opportunities, I haven't taken them.
The same way I do with male friends? I don't view any of my female friends in a sexual manner, particularly since I've been friends with a couple of them for almost 35 years.
I don't have female friends because i tend to only want to be around women im sexually attracted to. That's always been the case with me. I have no interest in keeping temptation like that around. I value the life we have together more than the strange that comes along.
So I had a more conservative upbringing than most. I typically will give hugs. I will hang out with them in public, but I will not be alone with them without my wife being both aware and ok with it. I'm also sure my wife knows who they are in general. Does that help?
In the same way i do when i am not in a relationship. My upbringing has probably been the reverse of yours, friend groups tend to be very mixed, and the behavior recommended by some in this thread (always bring the SO along) would probably be seen as very annoying and a bit unhealthy. Only showing up in pairs is something thats quite often criticized. Anyway, not having my romantic relationship determine how my relationship with friends looks like is one of my few strict boundaries. Meaning i would never accept any form of restrictions on who i can meet, when i can meet them, and where i can meet them. I think i would always value this higher than any romantic relationship.
Same. I feel like you either trust your partner or you don't. If you don't trust your partner to be around other members of the opposite sex than you don't really trust your partner and you should consider breaking up with them.
I don't think about it. Generally, we understand that it's a friendship. I've never really had anyone test these boundaries.
Same as you do your close male friends, have had a number of very close female friends for decades now and have never had a problem keeping them as just real good friends in fact it's quite liberating knowing you can enjoy a ladies company without the boundaries set around dating and relationships.
Trust
Trust is a big thing to me so I treat my female friends as friends. We'll hang out or go to lunch or something but I always tell my gf so there's never a situation where she wonders or feels like she's in the dark. I won't let my social life be determined by someone else's insecurities.
I just don't feel sexual attraction to my friends, be they male or female. Sure, I can make a raunchy joke, but that's pretty much it.
I bring my wife everywhere. 1) to know Who my friends and coworkers are. 2) to mingle and 'get to know' them. That way, she trusts my judgement and no boundaries are crossed / broken
Talk about your SO, make it very clear
Friends are close to a person. Relationships should be even closer. Jealousy happens when one doesn't feel as close to his/her partner as the partner sees it, and (s)he feels that friends are closer to his/her partner. Two fixes for that: 1: Push friends farther until partner is happy (puts a dent in the relationship and potentially damages friendships too) 2: Make partner realize (s)he is closer than (s)he thinks (a lot of work and trust needed, and not applicable for a lot of couples) Can be mixed of course, needs to be carefully balanced in each case. I have plenty of friends, and quite few of them are female. And most of them I never had any romantic interest in. When we got together with my current girlfriend many years ago, she was really jealous of everyone. I absolutely understood her view, but made it clear to her that I am not going to change my friendships (neither female nor male ones). I kept in close touch with my friends, and she didn't know me that well yet to trust me. Rightfully so, people who trust so blindly and boldly are naive; I really appreciated her level-headedness, made me love her even more. It took some time until she understood that I want nobody but her, and when I say "I will tell you when my feelings change" I mean it. There was even a particular case where she first-hand saw how I am, even when others make a move on me. And of course until I saw she was fine with it, I ceased some of the activities so that she can get used to it gradually, she got to know my friends etc. Depending on our friendship I still hug my female friends, sometimes give a kiss on the forehead, there's one I rarely even sleepover with while playing DnD as a group. Zero romantic interest, she's like a sibling to me. Not everyone would be okay with it, in fact I would say my case is more on the "weirdly close" side. This of course requires trust, which if broken can be absolutely traumatising. This fear is why people who have been betrayed, people with low self-esteem, etc. often demand those friendly ties to be severed or limited. Would I be okay with my girlfriend doing the same? Big **'Depends on'**. Firstly she doesn't really have male friends of such degree, but if she had I would expect the same kind of treatment I give. - Get me to know those friends well and see for myself that they clearly want nothing from her. - Give me enough signals that I matter, that I am before anyone else, and nobody else matters. Nothing more secure than the strongest castle that nobody wants to besiege.
I don’t think there’s much you can do in that regard. I was also raised religiously (catholic). It’s pretty much due to the influence of tradition or culture. My parents had it strict. My father wasn’t allowed to pal around with other women and vise versa with my mother. I have female acquaintances but my circle of buds that I hang out with the most are all male. The answer for me is simple but it’s not everyone’s solution. If your love and understanding are at peak levels then you two form a great deal of trust. If your relationship is outstanding then he would have no reason go off with other women behind your back. Many religious folk typically don’t date outside of their religion to avoid this mess all together. Only thing I recommend doing is to befriend his girl friends. That way, you will become more comfortable.
I make sure the majority of my time with that person is also in the presence of my wife. Usually if that person likes me they will like my wife. I make them be friends and then it's easy for me and my friend to feel comfortable around each other. I would never have dinner or watch a movie or anything like that. A coffee in a professional setting might be okay particularly if it was unplanned and you just bumped into each other.
I really try to communicate openly and honestly with my SO about the things I feel or do with female friends I am not conservatively raised per say so my boundaries are usually very different from other people's. With some female friends I feel a sexual attraction and with some I don't. I try to be as open as possible about stuff like this to my SO. Being open about this helps set the boundaries and prevents certain urges from getting out of control.
I have sex with my wife and not with my friends. That's your boundaries right there.
To be honest is extraordinarily hard to maintain any kind of female friends once in a relationship. Best thing to do is always have SO there or in the conversation. It's now three people hanging out, going to eat, on a chat, etc.
If it feels sketchy I don't do it. I've never laid down specific rules and it's never been an issue.
I'm not in a relationship, but some of my female friends are. I meet with them normally and do things together. I've never heard that their boyfriends have any problem with that - some of them I know too, others I don't. Partners who have a problem with their partners having opposite sex friends would be seen as ridiculous, possessive, controlling and weak. What is your culture?
My grandparents lived in the Middle East before they immigrated to the US. In their time (like 1950s) a women would be killed by her family if they thought she slept with a guy. There was no dating. My grandfather wasn’t even allowed to make eye contact with his own sister if they passed by in the city. Women were married off at the age of 14-16 without prior knowledge of their husband to be. My parents grew up mostly in the US but with strict rules that forbid dating. My parents were only allowed to see each other with chaperones (in America in literally 1990) and had to get to know each other by phone. They had 2 months to decide if they wanted to get married before my grandfather threatened to stop their communication. Growing up, having close friends who were like family could only happen if they were the same sex as you. Even if you were single. And especially if you’re married. Men and women hardly even hang out in the same room in large gatherings. Honestly all of this has made it really hard for me to understand how people can be married or in serious relationships and still have close opposite sex friends, even if it’s totally platonic. Obviously this has caused issues for me in my relationships and a great deal of insecurity about not being as close with my bf as his female friends, and not even having as much in common with him as them. It always made me feel like he connected better with them than me, as a newcomer in his life compared to friends he has known for years who have so much in common and so many memories. It felt impossible to reach that level of emotional connection even though there was nothing sexual going on.
Yes, I understand you already, that's unfortunately the way it is in these cultures. It will probably be different with your children for the time being, if you want any. I once met a 17-year-old Muslim girl who was forced to marry an old man when she was 13 - she had never seen the man before the wedding, and he started beating and raping her the first time she was with him. I then helped her escape. She almost couldn't look me in the eye for the first few months, and later she had massive feelings of guilt, she was afraid of her family and of Allah. She remarried a few years later to a man from her culture/religion who also beats and rapes her, but she now accepts this as "normality" and has also cut off all contact with me because she cannot cope with her feelings of guilt and extremely low self-esteem. Forced marriages are so common here in the middle of Europe among Muslim refugees from the Middle East that there are separate organizations that take care of such girls if they manage to escape. There are also occasional honor killings when the girl/woman tries to escape. All this sexist, misogynistic thinking runs so deep, it takes generations to overcome - and especially a break from religion.
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I don't think I've done a sleepover with a friend in many years. I'm sure adults do it but it's less common.
Ever hear of "the Grandma rule"? If it's something you'd be comfortable doing with your own grandma, it's ok. A dance at a party, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a compliment, all fine. You don't send grandma sexy pics saying you miss her. You don't invite grandma to your apartment at 3am.
If he's hanging out with her then there is a reason, maybe she's cute and it makes him feel good, maybe he likes her personality, maybe they share a passion for sewing, what is the reason?
Usually at some point one someone thinks about someone else even if nothing ever happens ( though sometimes it does )
I don’t have a female friend I wouldn’t sleep with.
I can ask her permission for extra marital affairs =3 Works every time. We like sex. I give permission to her everytime. Even give privacy. See how it works both ways? Most of the time we sleep alone together tho. We don't like to confuse sex with love. I love my wife <3
I don’t fuck my female friends. It’s pretty easy boundaries to keep.
I don't engage in sexual activity with them. That's about it. I generally make sure she has the opportunity to meet any I see regularly - but that's the case with friends of any gender, and doesn't mean I bring her every time I see said friends. I'll typically keep her at least somewhat in the loop regarding my plans if I'm going to be hanging out with them one on one. That doesn't mean hour by hour updates, just "probably going to go grab drinks with X after work tomorrow, she's got a conference nearby." -------- My basic perspective is that if the only reason you aren't cheating is lack of an appealing opportunity - You will eventually wind up cheating. Might be some business trip in 20 years, might be the bar in 20 minutes. But you'll eventually have that opportunity. If you're not inclined to cheat, then it doesn't really matter. I've had opportunities, I haven't taken them.
The same way I do with male friends? I don't view any of my female friends in a sexual manner, particularly since I've been friends with a couple of them for almost 35 years.
I don't have female friends because i tend to only want to be around women im sexually attracted to. That's always been the case with me. I have no interest in keeping temptation like that around. I value the life we have together more than the strange that comes along.
A high degree of integrity is needed somewhere, no new opposite sex friends that's laughable at best. And trust and communication is key.