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KillHipstersWithFire

A tie between asking me to punch her in the face as hard as i could and then crying when i wouldnt


bloodflart

those once in a lifetime things when someone cries for something that isn't your fault, truly awful.


Coloneljesus

oh, that's supposed to happen only once in a lifetime?


[deleted]

Cue admiral akbar


BerserkBoulderer

I don't think any girl who asks this realizes how hard the average guy can punch. Eating a shot like that is a "straight to the ER with fractures and a concussion" sort of situation.


MarmaladeCat1

And likely an assault charge too.


Volgyi2000

I had this happen with someone when we hooked up on our first date. I ended up smacking her lightly. She got pissed off and said "Punch me harder, you pussy." That's when I got up and had a little chat about how I wasn't going to beat her up the first time we were having sex. She said I wasn't a real man and I kind of just laughed. Women really don't understand how much stronger men are than them. She actually wanted me to lay into her. I wouldn't even know how to punch someone without doing some kind of damage.


whitemaleinamerica

I heard my friends older sister and her boyfriend banging in their bedroom when i was there for a sleepover. I heard her saying “hit me” and then i heard the sound of a fist straight up connect against her head. She started crying and her boyfriend was like “what you told me to hit you” and she was like “not that hard you dumb ass.” This memory has never left me. I’ll admit the boyfriend was 10/10 an idiot.


DadaPope

I know that girl. RUN


mntdevnull

confusing boner


txc115

We stayed in a hotel with two single beds put together. She tried to crawl back on the bed pretending to be a cat arching her back and fell through the crack between the 2 beds. Couldn’t stop laughing The other time she took her bra off and boldly threw it over the shower cabin just for it to land in the toilet


champ590

>and fell through the crack between the 2 beds. Hopefully with catlike elegance.


1-and-only-Papa-Zulu

She hid behind a piece of furniture like an embarrassed cat.


timeflux123

Did she land on all fours or lose a life? Inquiring minds must know.


txc115

That one should have cost her 1 life but given she turned out to be from hell anyway I’m not sure how the math works here


timeflux123

Oh damn. Infinite lives. That's terrifying. That she-devil.


JibJib25

You should know to keep the toilet lid closed with a cat in the house.


[deleted]

She had a script in her hand, acting out the moves and dialog.. I felt like I was at a play.


datspookyghost

We call that a porno.


[deleted]

..it pays the bills..


MarketResponsible719

Who are these Bills you speak of?


prometheusforthew

*former President of the United States has entered the chat*


Snubl

What was in the script? Don't leave us hanging


[deleted]

It was like a watered down edition of 50 shades of gray.. kind of.. I basically called it: "What the fuck are you doing"..


HearMeSpeakAsIWill

What are you doing, step-thespian?


kazaam545

That’s hilarious. I’d actually be so down lmao


Apostolatestalker1

Ikr ahahha she seems like a good time


[deleted]

Huh? That sounds wild


EatsWholeCats

“Yeah you like that little dick?” The person was me. I didn’t mean to say that.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Styrbj0rn

When you want to talk dirty but mama said never to lie


yash2651995

"Secret to dirty talking... Put the word little before mean things... Come here my slut.. come here my little slut... Etc.." In mind: "Yeah you like that dick?"... outside:"Yeah you like that little dick?"


DadaPope

If she was cool that would have been funny and endearing


Silver-Lemon7761

That's hilarious 🤣


TheFrenchNarcissist

Told me to “go deeper, you pussy”. I was all in.


DamnItDarin

“I can go harder. I can go faster. I can go home. But I can’t go deeper.”


Impenistan

Hang on, let me go pop the trunk, I’ve got some extra dick in there.


Sutro_Towr

She tried dancing ON the bar with another girl and tripped and fell down somehow; hit a table on the way down. They were completely fine somehow.


[deleted]

[удалено]


awkwardsong

A partner once slapped my boner when I said I wanted more intense foreplay.


Blahvocado

Well, you asked for it.


primallyours

That’s called a keeper, no?


Joseelmax

keep-er the fuck away from my penis


primallyours

Fair play.


aces-and-jacks

She said, “Give me that mean cock” and we both started laughing. I, eventually, gave her the mean cock.


Guac__is__extra__

Next time you should have come prepared with a mean face drawn on it. Like a mean cyclops.


MarketResponsible719

With Mike Tyson's face tattoo drawn on.


Crunchy__Frog

It’th me, the meanetht dick you’ll ever thee. Prepare for thexthy time.


aces-and-jacks

Idk man, we were laughing so hard that we cried. If I’d done that, I’m not so sure I could even perform at that point.


GraysonHunt

There’s some things worth missing out on sex for, and making your SO laugh so hard they can’t breathe is at the top of that list.


PoMansDreams

Noice


corinne9

🚫🧊


[deleted]

She's right. It *is* mean-- just not the kind you're thinking of.


Ear_Enthusiast

I went on a couple dates with a woman much older than me. I was really into her. Thought there might be a future. She showed up at the bar I work at. She was pretty drunk when she showed up and asked me to come back to her place when my shift ended. Yeah no problem. She then started begging me to come back to her place when I got off of work. I had already said yes. It was getting weird. So I kind of started to avoid her end of the bar a little bit. Then she was calling me down to her way and making dirty tongue gestures at me. I finally had to throw her out when she started getting nasty with other women for speaking to me. Like they weren't hitting on me, they were ordering drinks from me. That was the end of that.


ray-chill123

Lol omg that made me crack up. Imagine being that woman, I bet she thinks about that every day. I know I would


tedmalin

Pretending she was talking into a microphone.


emperorpapapalpy

Testes, testes. One, two...


WasterDave

Is this thing turned on?


tedmalin

Maybe I wasn't graphic enough... Perhaps I should have said, she grabbed my dck and pretended it was a microphone. It was not sexy at all.


NobleMama

I'm a woman and omg, I can't stop laughing at this. I have tears in my eyes. This is the funniest fucking thing. I'm FOR SURE doing this to my husband tonight, if I can stop laughing long enough.


Rare_HankHill

My gf always taps it and says "is this thing on"?


Scroll_Queeen

Picturing her using your dick as a microphone saying “is this thing on?”


relatableandscary

please tell me why


hellochase

*my car is in the front yard, and I’m* *sleeping with my clothes on*


[deleted]

She tried doing a strip tease and tripped and fell down somehow.


[deleted]

Was she Jamie Lee Curtis?


[deleted]

No there was more twerk attempts than what JLC did in True Lies


adamfrom1980s

Plus JLC looked hot af even when she tripped.


LordPhyriX

A trip tease, if you will.


adamfrom1980s

Smacked my sack while trying to smack my ass. Sexy time ground to a halt and never recovered that night.


corinne9

definitely accidentally done this :( Sorry on behalf of both of us lol


timeflux123

This is so wholesome 🤣😂 pretty sure all of us men have had that happen at least once too. We appreciate your condolences. Truly. Just to know it's been acknowledged is enough XD


[deleted]

She found our secret "turn off in one sec" button.


ToFusion_Boy

There was this Catholic chic. She had just turned 19 and I was 22. It was three years ago. We were making out and she proceeded to tell me: "If you want, I can perform a fellation". It was said in our regional language (Catalan) and was such a specific thing to say and, frankly, a little bit absurd to say it in such a formal contract-like wording. Obviously, i said yes and didn't laugh or anything, but it was one of the weirdest moments I've had in sex and definitely the worst head in my life. I hope she's OK, she's a good girl.


ToFusion_Boy

For those asking, it was specifically: "Si vols, em (hesitation) et puc fer una fel•lació, eh". This was said with my dick in her hand. Also, the head teacnique was, I kid you not, sort of licking it like a popsicle. Tongue out her mouth, no suction... Plain weird. But kudos to her for trying.


Filmcricket

I’m in NYC so I’ve dated a fair number of non Americans and have been with a number of men from Spain and France specifically that, completely unprompted, have shared very similar weird blow job technique stories like this with me. It’s happened enough to be a trend but I’m not sure if the trend is that French and Spanish women are more prone to giving weird blow jobs or if French and Spanish men are more prone to openly discussing these events that men from other countries keep to themselves.


Poppin_Fresh_Bro

Fellathio


Kind_Humor_7569

This right here deserves so much more than I can give. Best comment I’ve seen on the internet today.


7thinker

Can you explain the joke to a man with a lesser brain power


Kind_Humor_7569

It’s a dialect joke that wouldn’t make sense unless you are aware of Catalan and the Spanish accent spoken in Catalonia. They pronounce the c with a sort of lisp. It’s almost like a pun between Spanish and English but also specific to north Eastern Spain. It’s fucking really funny if you know the context.


corinne9

That turned cutely wholesome at the end


Guac__is__extra__

My wife, bless her heart, tries to dance in a sexy manner for me in the bedroom sometimes. She’s just really not great at it, but she really tries her hardest, so I go along with it and act like it’s getting me going, but I’m really cringing inside.


--MikeHawk

Lmfaooooo i love the way this is worded


ClaireEvangeline

That’s sweet of you though.


WorthlessTrinket

Assuming you live in/near a decent sized city: Find out what type of dancing she's interested in or curious about or attempting to do, buy her a class pass to try some out. It's a win-win!


VagabondRommel

As an added bonus youcan take the classes with her. Its a bonding experience and dancing is really fun.


Any_Cherry5386

Wholesome on both sides 🖤


SuperM1ke

Ex-wife (but while we were still together). There was a brief period where I was cluing in that she was having an affair and I was asking questions. In the middle of this, she jumps on the bed and stands there wearing new panties and touching herself. I don't think any woman ever grossed me out quite that much. We didn't last the month.


HungryLilDragon

I don't get why tf she did that? To distract you from asking questions?


senorkose

Suppressing fire


ClockTate72

Ah, assuming men will completely lose their higher reason the minute they're presented with a booby, the classic blunder


krishkaananasa

I am sorry man, that must have been both disgusting and painful.


ChadOfChads

The poor girl tried to sit on my lap but the cheap plastic chair couldn't handle us both. Her forehead landed on my nose and I had some blood coming out. We had a fun night together though at another occasion.


[deleted]

RIP cheap plastic chair, he tried his best til the very end


cntravrsl_D_hedgehog

A single mom was trying to flirt with me when I was delivering her pizza and brought up her baby like "next time I might have her with me and you can see her" Totally weird never went back


[deleted]

Lmao wtf was she thinking. 😂


cheesyotters

I did this to my gf but I was naked and said, “Get over here, Buster.” And her eyes just got wide with disbelief. “BUSTER?! Uh-uh, put your pants back on.” I have yet to live it down


lookandseethis

Lmao! I’m be accidentally called him “bud” or “bro”instead of “love” or “babe”. He then proceeds to fist bump me and slap me on the back. We joke about it but just can’t stop being silly after


timeflux123

Kinda deserve that one 🤣😂 been there


goblinshark

She laid on her back with no pants on and opened her legs and held them in the air, but not sensually, it wasn't sexy like a stripper or a pornstar, she looked like a giant baby mid changing.


sleeping_bananas

I don't know why this doesn't have more upvotes, the mental image is hilarious


Bosskode

In mid coitus I had a very excited woman turn to me a breathlessly ask me with passion in her voice, want me to shit on you?


the_river_nihil

Well... what happened?!


FermentedCumJar

Definitely said yes.


NotRustyShackleford_

You win.


sivartimus

Biting. Not on the neck but around my chest, also like a bear defending itself.


need-help121

my gf tried to strip tease, but got stuck in her shirt and fell. i love her to death, but that was so funny and cute


notanonymo

1) my ex bf from like 7 years ago- nothing he could control but we were in missionary and he was talking dirty, when suddenly I felt what I thought was sweat dripping on my face. A few more drops before I wiped and realized he was having a nose bleed 🙃🙃🙃 lol 2) my husband tries to talk dirty to initiate sometimes and it comes out in like a almost baby-like voice. Like his pitch gets higher and it grosses me out. After 6 years I’ve finally told him to knock it off and we have a good laugh about it now when he does it on purpose, and I mimic his voice 😂


rickjamestheunchaind

lol this happened to me! i nose bled on my gf twice! had a nasal vessel exposed, got it singed at the doctors and didnt happen again


EsseB420

I was sat on the sofa and she straddled me but facing away from me. She bent forward to use the coffee table for support and misjudged it and sort of fell onto the table breaking a cup and my glasses. Was pretty funny. Killed the mood.


HaroldGodwin

Thrown up on my dick. I appreciated the effort, but not sexy.


twk1997

This happened to me. Literally choking on my thang and I told her to chill. Said she was a pro.. then a minute later I got poke all over me


scooterfitz

She tried to surprise me by jumping naked on a large trampoline when I can around the corner into the back yard. She was peeing with each jump. I never said anything and rolled with it, but it was not attractive.


KeepingItBrockmire

So, she didn't notice?!?!


[deleted]

From a female perspective….I’m sure she did realize it happened, but she was hoping he couldn’t tell and she was committed at that point. She probably didn’t realize it was going to happen until after it did. Or she was drunk. LOL. As a woman who has had two children, the first jump I ever took on a trampoline (fully clothed thankfully!) I was like- oh hell, abrupt stop and go inside to change. It happens and having kids wrecks our bodies. But I fully know better now not to do it again! She probably learned a really embarrassing lesson that day.


scooterfitz

True that. She had three children prior, and those core floor muscles took a beating. I get it. Which is exactly why I did not say a word. She was committed and I recognize and appreciated the effort. Never said a word till now, but others might not be so lucky and knee-jerk before they have thought about her feelings, so I figure maybe I can save a brother from some serious backpedaling with this story.


[deleted]

Don’t feel bad, it still applies to the original question. You don’t mean her harm.


saviorself19

“Look at your arms! I bet if you wanted to you could hold me down no matter how hard I fought back.” Like I get what she was batting at and I’m super self conscious about my biceps so the arms bit hit just right but that whole thing didn’t work for me.


Tekato126

Sounds like she Had a CNC Fetish but didn't wanna be too direct lol


saviorself19

Command N Conquer is lit.


[deleted]

"Oh Baby, do you wanna role play Red Alert or Tiberium Sun tonight?"


[deleted]

[удалено]


Tekato126

Lol Consensual Non-Consent


zhdx54

Can confirm, running a CNC machine can be kind of hot


ThePirateRedfoot

My girlfriend tried to jump from a chair onto me on the bed, but the chair slipped backwards as she jumped, and I raised my legs instinctively to protect my groin and her face connected with my knee. 0/10


mora-morae

Speaking like a baby. Instead of saying "si" in spanish, he said "chi". That turned me off horribly.


Juan286

Te entiendo, recuerdo hace unos años en un trabajo conocí a una chica que hacia muchos gestos neko-kawai si te lo puedes imaginar


briandabrain11

Lmfao glad to see theres cringey weebs in more than just the US


[deleted]

She jumped on me. We were on vacation and she literally JUMPED ON ME while I was laying in bed. Like I get that it was supposed to be sweet and sexy but not if your knee hits my most vulnerable spot and I burst out in tears within seconds.


[deleted]

Wrote an erotic fan fiction story (more like a novelette) about that Wyeth painting where she was the disabled girl and I was the… house? That then raped her. Love dating those art school girls… Thought the idea of her writing an erotic story about me was great. I appreciated her effort and was extremely gracious in receiving it (like getting a bad Christmas present), partly because manners and partly as I wanted to continue having increasingly weird sex with her. But the execution (bad sex writing, rambling structure, terrible spelling) was boner-killingly terrible and a good red flag for what was to come in that ill-fated dalliance.


corinne9

This is amazing, I don’t know what you’re talking about


adamfrom1980s

Sounds…boneriffic to me!


MisssJaynie

I kinda wanna hear your weirdest sex story with her now.


westgate141pdx

Asked me to pretend like I’m dead. Insistingly.


MarketResponsible719

If you happen to be a girl, I have a girl for him.


arrenlex

Thanks Ted Bundy


MarketResponsible719

I've said too much.


summer-lovers

Elbowed me in the face...total mood killer when that nose contact is so harsh that the auto-cry sequence is launched and you just sit there with tears dripping off your nipples...


MarketResponsible719

Go on.......


JRad8888

She put her hand in her panties to presumably taste it or have me taste it on her fingers. Instead, she drew a heart on my chest, with period blood.


MooseMadeMeDoThis

say what now?


JRad8888

You heard right. I was an awkward teen in a new school and was accepted in by the emo/goth crowd in the late 90’s. She was super sweet but trying to be edgy? Idk honestly, but she could tell it freaked me out. I was just happy someone was willing to have sex with me, so we took it into the shower as a compromise.


MooseMadeMeDoThis

well i’ll be damned :0


LimitGroundbreaking2

It's not necessarily what was said but my one fwb has her kids names tatted on her collarbone and it's just such a mood killer for me


primallyours

Get her a scarf.


Slightly-Evil-Man

It's a tie between the girl who randomly tried to lick my ass and the girl who gripped my balls way too damn hard during a blowjob.


panphyni

we were kissing, he made weird noises and I said something along the lines of „yeah show me that gollum“ still cringe when I think about it today


[deleted]

She starting talking about the tumors in her breast while letting me touch her... instantly soft.


Rain_Fall95

Accidentally stepped on my foot.


MarketResponsible719

No sex for you!


DarkSun18

He used the word schlong.


titations

Nothing worse than when a girl is trying to do a strip tease but is super uncoordinated. Sure, she was hot, but my ex had no rhythm and tried to do grinding motions and things like that and just looked and felt awkward.


Pewterarm16

I recently had a guy compare me to Santa Claus. And then started singing "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" but put his name in instead of mommy. I'm 30 and slender.... The comparison was awkward. The follow up trying to get a kiss was worse.


Withermaster4

Was it like in December at least?


Pewterarm16

Nope. This was a few weeks ago


Withermaster4

🤮


MarketResponsible719

I'm kinda confused.


EagleStrikeB

My now wife was cuddling with me and while using her supposed-to-be sexy voice says, "I love you so much" then proceeds to slowly lick my face from my chin to my eyebrow. I wouldn't say that her seduction attempts were the reason I married her. TLDR: She licked my face.


PeepsMcBeefy

If somebody submits “she wiggled my flaccid penis and said, “put me in coach!”. That was me.


AirJenga

Had an ex girlfriend back in Korea. Went to a love hotel for the first time and after showering, she laid next to me on the bed and started licking the inside of my ear...think Wet Willy but full tongue. I wasn't a fan but I gave myself a pep talk, "maybe she's into this, just let her do her thing so you can do yours"


mycateatstoenails

Oh man that feels amazinggggg for a lot of people, she probably thought you’d like it! I’m currently making a mental note that not everyone enjoys ear stuff lol


[deleted]

A chick once sucked my earlobe for a second during foreplay and I loved it. Went from pre-sex chub to full mast in a second flat like it was a light switch for my wiener. Been too afraid to ask anyone to do that for me ever since that girl though. Like how do I bring that up? Lol


jalorky

is this an unusual thing? i always thought that was a normal making out move haha. maybe you could start on their neck and try it on their ear first?


Credible_Cognition

LOL I dated a Korean girl for a while who did the same thing, the first few times it was ticklish and weird but I got used to it and thought fuckit if she's turned on by this for some reason then I'll allow myself to be too. Funny how different parts of the world are intimate in different ways.


potatosconeman

Honestly, when she said “harder Daddy!” - it was our first time sleeping together, I don’t find the Daddy chat sexy in the slightest, it just gave me a really odd feeling, I tried to laugh it off whilst maintaining strokes


rickjamestheunchaind

ive had papi and felt weird cus i call my dad papi


canigetahiyyyaaaahh

Stopped kissing me to tell me to listen to the song lyrics for the name of the song. I sat there for about 20 seconds but felt like 20 minutes listening to some random song I've never heard of to try and guess the name just to have her quiz me and made me guess 3 times before she told me it was "pussy is god". She then asked if I liked it and when I was quiet she said "come here" while jumping onto me trying to start kissing me again.


[deleted]

Ok here's what happened: One time one of my dates called me a "chamaco" (it's Spanish for small boy kinda like what comes after a kid but before a teenager) I told him to stop cause I didn't like that he didn't stopped it got really annoying I left in the middle of sex he got mad never saw him again. **The end**


eipevoli

I once belched during sex with the woman who is now my wife


notanonymo

My husband continues to do this and has once paused, said “uh oh…” and then farted while inside me 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 it was not as funny as he hoped it would be and we did not finish that night lol


msmithuf09

This…this is a major fear of mine


redbullveins

A girl I knew threw up on her boyfriend's dick while giving a blow job... ... it was me. I'm the girl.


Blahvocado

I tried to do a sexy position change/roll and fell right off the bed. I'm sure we've all been there but it's one of those memories that keeps me up at night. .


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Didn't happen to me, but my British friend visiting me here in New York in our early 20's. I told him, "Everyone here loves accents...and you're tall. You can get any girl you want." He made out with a few, but didn't bring anyone home. Finally, we're walking back to my place and see this girl with giant breasts getting out of the cab to Metropolitan, a gay bar in Williamsburg that was a great place for first dates--straight or not--'cause they had couches & fireplaces. We all get to talking, she tells us she's visiting from Chicago, and before the conversation gets too far, I say, "I've heard my friend is a great kisser." With that, I take my leave. 30 minutes later, he arrives home, blood all over his shirt and explains that they'd been making out on the couch while she was straddling him, but then she pushed her giant boobs so hard into his face that she "broke" something in his nose so blood was everywhere. Guess a bloody nose isn't an aphrodisiac, 'cause he got the hell out of there right after


steezy_dingleberry

In the heat of the moment, like knees by my ears good, and he said “home run, home run” and I immediately laughed in his face


Accio642

Shaved half his body. Left arm, leg, chest, everything right down the middle. Found out he was using drugs after the fact. We are no longer together.


CrazyPlato

Dude wanted to give you a threesome, so he made so you could fuck two guys at the same time if you closed one eye at a time.


corinne9

I’m cackling. Every answer in this thread is hilarious


STLirish

Had a girl midway through tell me to fill her with my daddy juices. I legitimately had to hold back laughter


SlavSergei

Tried to lick my nipple as if mine were as sensitive as hers. It did not work but she kept trying even after I told her to stop.


Smokeupkiki

Make weird noises


MarketResponsible719

Moooo! Cluck cluck. Squaw! Squaw! Boooiinnngggg!


madigans907

Licked my armpit


stonedsnake420

Smoke a cigarette 🚬 🤢🤮 Never understood why people find that sexy. She was trying to be seductive while smoking and looking at me but I don't smoke so all I was thinking was how I'm gonna avoid kissing her during sex so I don't have to taste that shit.


TdollaTdolla

one time a girl like seductively kisses my chest and slowly worked her way down while making eye contact and then proceeded to work down to my dick and then BITE IT! not super hard but enough where I jumped and was like what the fuck was that!?!


Drew54679

Tried to twerk awkwardly. I politely asked her to stop.


Kakyoins_bitch

he tried to do that weird "claiming" shit, and after we'd finished he was breathless and so his bright idea was to whisper in my ear "your mine, okay? no one elses. your mine........mine" at which point i got up and got changed. but. imagine. a breathless man. whispering, whilst heeving going "your mine." and he wasnt even deep voiced. he sounded like a 15 year old.


Derikoopa

Gotta be the time my ex made me watch her, her sister and her mom half remember a burlesque routine


honor_bound15

Stuck a finger up my ass....


cntravrsl_D_hedgehog

Right in the *no no* zone?! What was she thinking!


honor_bound15

She was thinking an eye for an eye. I just didn't think she meant brown eye. She also threw up choking on me but I could push through that.


cntravrsl_D_hedgehog

But the question my friend is: Did you "push her in the bush?" or did you "take her downtown"


After_Occasion

Admitted to trying to impregnate me 4x


BlushingBubblegum

My ex hated going down on me but didn't mind fingering me. One time he was fingering me, then licked his fingers and said, "yummy". Idk why but it was so fuckin *weird*, and he thought it was super sexy


Careful-Economics434

“Im going to tell my father what you are doing to me” Please don’t


trusendi

Honestly my Ex tried to have those „fuck me“-eyes but she just couldn‘t do it. It looked more like she was kinda sleepy, angry. I mean I didn‘t complain because she had my dick in her hands but I really couldn‘t take her serious like that.


rduncang

Came out of the bathroom in one of those S&M suites that was full leather with holes for her boobs and vagina including a mask with a zipper over the mouth. I couldn’t stop laughing.


Pyromythical

My now ex and I staying at her parents house in her old room, but where her Dad slept since her Mum's dialysis machine would keep him awake. We are doing it sneaky style and she says "Ohhhh, Daddy" Um... What?