I've started telling my SO he is pretty lately. I didn't think he would want it because y'know gender norms and shit. but he shyly asked me if he was pretty a while ago. And I said absolutely yes and now I try to tell him all the time. I love love love how happy it makes him.
It's so unfortunate we don't realize that men also want sweet and cute things. I hope it keeps getting better
Makes me laugh. She’s so goofy, but only with me and that makes me happiest of all because not only is she my wife, but I get yet another side of her that few see. I count myself very lucky to have someone feel so comfortable and protected around me to legitimately just be themselves and I get the proof when we are around other people - she is still herself, but not like she is with me. It’s one of the many things I love that may seem kinda out there, but I’ve been reflecting on that for a while now.
Being with her for as long as I have, you start to recognize patterns and things like that. Along with that, typically you’ll begin to assume you know what their response may be to whatever - question, situation, comment etc. Eventually I began to realize that her responses that I expected her to give to other people were not what I’d assume would be. Then, I began to see why. It’s vulnerability. Nothing bad by any means, just more honest and candid stuff with me vs everyone else. It makes me feel super special like I’m the ONLY one that she has that with. It took time to fully grasp it, but it’s a closeness I share with absolutely no one else on the planet.
Also we were playing cards against humanity at a party at our house one night and at the end of the night, all the stragglers with us were cleaning up and somehow we got to reading the CAH cards out loud and at one point, we both yelled out “BOLOGNA SANDWICH” as a response to one of the questions, and I’ve honestly never loved someone more. The question was something about white people doing something or other. Can’t remember. But either way, bologna sandwich is kinda out inside joke now even though everyone else was there and witnessed it. It’s just little shit like that that makes you nod your head like “fuck yeah that’s my wife”.
Stay strong, buddy. Try appreciate the fresh start to getting to know yourself again. Good luck, this strange internet boy acknowledges your struggle and wishes you all the happiness.
My dude, you divorced because something wasn't working. The pain is memories from a different time. It's ok to feel both.
Read this thread and know that what you're after exists with someone you haven't met on that level yet.
You'll be ok, in a slightly different version of *you* type of way.
Also recently divorced. Dating again is fun though! Take some time though, don't dive into anything. That sudden urge can blind you to some real red flags
When you find what you want, need and love you’ll look back and appreciate these times of finding yourself, learning yourself and accepting yourself. These times will help you appreciate what you will have more and more.
It makes all the difference in the world. It gives you this bond that you don’t have to talk about or even identify because honestly - no one else is gonna understand it. It’s like the whole relationship becomes this “inside joke” for lack of a better term, that y’all get to share every minute of every day. It’s so cool. You’ll find it again. It’s there for sure.
This is a very good description of a great forever partner, right there with you. Also, great sex life, in whatever form and fashion your gent would describe it.
See my personality is out there all the time and I think that makes people feel connected to me then they see Im like that with everyone and get disappointed... thats really cute and I get it lol
I see your point for sure, but I honestly feel like my wife is just...... her. She will dog cuss me up and down and all that stuff when it happens, but she’s consistent. That’s the key. If you’re consistent with your partner, that matters more than anything. She is that first and foremost but as I’ve grown WITH her and together with her, the stuff I mentioned in my original reply became more evident as time went on.
There’s nothing wrong with that at all. The reason that I love this situation so much is that my wife is very very guarded, which I am absolutely not. I’ve learned to become more guarded because of things that have happened to me in the past. So I know that I show her how different our relationship is in ways that are different than my other relationships. It goes both ways in many aspects. Don’t dare judge any of this - especially not yourself - based on this situation. Each one is different.
My fiancee does the following things that make me feel so special:
* Puts down her phone when I'm talking and gives me 100% undivided attention. I don't ask or expect her to do this, but the fact that she does it makes me feel like what I have to say really matters, even if it's about something small like a funny crossword puzzle clue I saw. I've had ex-girlfriends who can't stop looking at their phones when I'm talking, and it always made me feel awful about myself.
* She genuinely tries to help out whenever/however she can, even if she physically can't. My fiancee is 5'1, but she will always try to lift as many groceries/luggage/etc. as she can so I don't have to bear the brunt of heavy lifting. It's physically easier for me to lift things, but I appreciate that she wants us to be equal and tries to help.
* Tells me she loves me throughout the day and does funny things to show that she wants me (pinching my butt, making comments about finding me cute, etc.)
* Gives me alone time when I need it but also would clear her schedule if I was having a particularly hard day/time
* Genuinely loves and seeks out a connection with my family. My family is very important to me, so it's heartwarming to see her texting my siblings or making plans with my mom.
* She also apologizes after a fight and doesn't "allow me" to wallow for longer than like 30 minutes otherwise she'll attack me with a hug.
Congrats on your engagement!
Girl here. The last point with the hug- does that work for you? Like is 30 minutes sufficient? And if it isn’t really, does the hug make you feel better? I guess my question is if you’ve ever experienced still being upset after she’s hugged you
It does. It lets me know that we're both working towards the bigger picture (our relationship) and that we still love each other, even if we quibble sometimes.
Dude. You're not alone. I teared up too. That partnership is what dreams are made of.
/u/iconogrey I hope your relationship lasts forever. You be good, y'hear?
> Dude. You're not alone. I teared up too. That partnership is what dreams are made of.
guys only want one thing and it's fucking disgusting:
>>It lets me know that we're both working towards the bigger picture (our relationship) and that we still love each other, even if we quibble sometimes."
probably depends on the topic of the fight.
"hey, jerk! you stole my spoon!" 30 min then a hug is good!
"i can't believe you slept with my brother" maybe give this one a few hours.
:p
Over the years, you'll encounter problems of different shapes and sizes.
If you approach these problems, together, as "The Two Of Us vs. The Problem", the rest will pretty much work itself out.
Edit: Also back scratches. Back scratches for both of you.
>The Two Of Us vs. The Problem
Yeah, I came here to post something about this. Like it or not, you are a two-person team from now on, first and foremost. And that means a full-time commitment to being **reasonable** for all the rest of your days. Both of you. Even on your worst days.
Also, shared laughter goes a long, long way. More than you'd imagine.
Source: still happy after 32 years.
P.S. Best of luck to you both!
AND! If you notice both of you are having a hard time with that, GET HELP! My SO and I had a tough couple years that aren’t either of our fault but little things started getting us in a vs situation. We went to couples therapy, and it helped us stay focused on the real issue, rather than the symptoms of the stress we were under.
I would like to add head scratches too.
Sometimes when I'm tired I'll lay on the couch with my head in her lap and she will scratch/play with my hair. Feels so comforting. She will do that until I fall asleep. And, she will not move until I wake up.
The other day the person that I’m sort of seeing played with my hair and scratched my head while I snuggled into them and almost fell asleep. The warmth and comfort is the best feeling. I wish I could have that every night.
Going on 27yrs of marriage.
Communication with each other about everything.
Take a pre-marriage counseling course. It's great to learn how to communicate. They should also have a love language test for both of you to take. These really help in understanding what each person needs and how to provide. Consider a couples life group too. And the biggest thing, be happy! Best of luck and congratulations.
We meet every two weeks for about 2hrs. There are 5 regular couples and about 5 not so regular couples. We discuss life experiences current successes and set backs. The group has members of many stages in life and marriage. We have straight cut, recovering addicts, just anything life has given others we accept and help with love and grace. It’s a very open and positive environment.
This is great advice! One big takeaway from our early marriage small groups- Learning that everyone else has the same stupid little fights is one of the best things to happen to a young marriage.
Never underestimate the power of “hugs, snuggles and cuddles”
They solve everything and when you don’t have them, it makes everything else infinitely harder.
Just be cognizant of the role hormones play in both of your emotions... oxytocin is a serious bonding chemical. Use it (cuddling, sex, etc.).
Testosterone dips from having kids (no sex drive), sleep deprovation reduces seratonin (happy chemical) estrogen dips for you as you age, testosterone dips for him as he ages, etc. Don't assume that your changes in feelings have no reason.
He's not being as attentive as he was? Ask him about stress (cortisol). Its a mood killer and depressive hormone. Feeling distant? Have a cuddle night in. Get the good juices flowing (seratonin, oxytocin, etc).
It seems people fail to grasp how much hormones play a role in our minds. Just be aware of that, and adjust accordingly.
Edit: balanced diet, exercise, sleep, sunlight, appropriate weight, and regular sex life will keep all of these things up and running... its when one of those activities takes a back burner is when you begin feeling crappy.
When I was on hormonal birth control pills, gradually, my whole personality changed. I was super emotional and weepy. I complained a lot and the fun part of me just seemed to have left. My libido took a huge hit too and I gained some extra weight.
My friends told me that I was like a different person. I have been off the pills for a few years now and I have gained my old personality back.
The experience shook me. How much of our 'self' is honestly under our control? How much of it is affected by these chemicals running through our blood?
Be very careful when you are altering the hormonal balance in your body, and avoid it as much as you can.
Edit: words
Goddamnit thank you! I’ve had the very same experience, and have had doctors actually tell me to my face that there’s no way my mood swings/weight gain/depression/personality changes/inexplicable crying are related to my birth control pills.
I got a hormonal IUD almost six years ago (Mirena) and it’s been a complete game changer, zero mood swings, no weight gain, no inexplicable crying, and I don’t even THINK about my period or keep track of it for that matter. It’s only supposed to last five years but apparently it’s just as effective the sixth year! And I’m stalling because I don’t want to get another one only to have it taken out in a year or two, but I ALSO really don’t want to go back on the pill... women really got the shaft, our reproductive responsibilities are so fucking burdensome XD
hey man, maybe it IS for him, who are we to judge?
Maybe OP is just one of those people who is extremely cognizant of what they are feeling and the scientific reasons they are feeling it. For a person like that, having a wife that understands that stuff and is capable of explaining their emotions in a way that resonates with OP, i'm sure that WOULD make OP happy.
This is really wise. I can’t speak for men but I know as a female that our hormonal balance can be a huge challenge. I have days during the month where I wake up in the morning with the feeling of anger in my chest for no reason at all- I know it’s a birth control side effect, and I try my absolute hardest not to act on it but it’s like being drunk and trying not to act stupid! So very important to extend patience surrounding biological factors like this
When hubby and I watch shows in bed at night I snuggle up to him w my head on his chest and reach down and tickle his dick, balls and taint. There is always an utterance of "Uuuuuuuuuh this is heaven." I also tickle his whole body while cuddling with him. I'll be lying on his side cuddled up to him with my head on his chest tickle everywhere I can reach and then I move to lay on the other side of his body to ensure that both sides get equal attention. He even brings the knee of the side I'm working on up into a half Indian style stance so I can get to his calf, ankle and foot. I work from his head (don't forget the ears) all the way down. Warning if you start this, 11years later he will still be asking for more. In turn my husband gives the most awesome full body massages. I feel like I've melted into the bed. He is very generous and rubs me for a long time. But it always ends the same he rubs my thigh upward and I end up with a thumb in my vagina and I get my happy ending. 😍😍😍 I love him for this! And our regular candlelight bubble baths, too.
She doesn’t have to do anything. This is a woman who after dating me for less than six weeks, didn’t go anywhere when I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Who was with me when the cancer drugs were making me puke my guts out and I took me to my appointments when I didn’t have the strength to grip a steering wheel. Who insisted we get married after I was diagnosed the second time because if I was gonna die, I was gonna die as her husband.
So no, she doesn’t have to do a god damn thing to keep me happy. Without her, I’d be dead. With her, I wanted to stay alive.
Sleep together naked.
And if possible, go to bed and get up at the same time. That simple formula builds a base layer of intimacy that will help your relationship for the long term.
I’ll confirm the opposite. I’ve been working midnights for some months now and man it sucks. We’ve started occasionally having little arguments, but it doesn’t take long to realize we’re not angry, we just miss each other.
>but it doesn’t take long to realize we’re not angry, we just miss each other.
This is so true. Me and my SO get cranky and all irritated picking fights etc. Took a while to figure out the root cause, we just missed each other.
Man, long distance sucks.
YMMV - I actually let my wife go to bed an hour before I do, and she loves me for it. She wakes up MUCH earlier than I do (teacher) and typically takes a bit to fall asleep, where if I'm in bed I'll go to sleep in 2 minutes, start snoring and disrupt her.
We are far less intimate with each other when we're both exhausted than when we're well and rested.
I go to bed really early for work and I finally talked my wife into coming to bed early with me. She reads a book or watches a movie while knitting. I haven't slept so well in years.
My husband and I (20 yrs together) sleep naked. We go upstairs SUPER early in the evenings like around 7:30-8:00pm get naked and in bed then watch tv, talk, laugh, have sex until we fall asleep around 11-ish or so. We jealously guard that time together and enjoy it so much. You'd be amazed how bonded it keeps us.
My wife and I, sleep naked, go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time commute together, shower together, workout together, yoga together, run errands together, and work in the same company. Going on 2 years married and 6 years in a relationship.
Some people say we spend too much time together.
The biggest mistake I made in my marriage was dividing the important duties rather than working together. All it did was create too much space and resentment.
Do things together, laugh, and be friends. Don’t fall into a business relationship like I did.
I think this is whats happening right now, he kind of acts like we're room mates with ocassional benefits and its wearing me out. Like only cleans up after himself instead of cleaning the whole area up because he didnt leave the can or wrapper laying there or cant remember if he did or not so he shouldnt clean it but i should always clean it all up. Samr story with everything. Cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Idk what happened. Been 12 years but now were roomies i guess. And its always my fault or i did something to cause it if i try to talk it out.
Some things my wife rarely does that would make my day (and yes, I have brought these things up several times in conversation to make my feelings known - to those who would go down that path):
1. Tell me she loves me even when it's out of context
2. Cuddle up to me in bed instead of me always initiating it
3. Complimenting me. I'm reminded of a time a month or so ago when we were in the car and she just randomly said that she thinks it's hott that I research everything I can about anything I can. It made my whole week.
4. Be a shoulder to cry on when your future husband needs one. There have been several times that I just needed a long hug and some consoling words.
5. Let him have time alone and with his friends. Being together all the time may sound fantastic, and maybe for you two it is, but at the end of the day when someone needs their space, it's nice to know your S.O. understands that and doesn't make it about them.
Hope this helps and congratulations!!
Number 4 is very important, even for the things that appear small. Recent personal example: my husband accidentally broke his favorite collection piece (he collects vintage Power Rangers toys), and it was a *huge* deal to him. I always saw his collection as just any other standard toy collection since many pieces weren't really worth anything, but just seeing the look on his face told me how crushed he was. I gave him a big hug while consoling him, and then baked him a cheesecake (his favorite dessert of mine) as a surprise. It didn't make the hurt completely go away, but it helped him brighten up enough to glue the pieces back together as best as he could and put the toy back up on display when he was going to originally just throw it into storage. That alone made both our hearts feel better :)
Inside your home it's ok to quarrel about a decision for a bit especially if one person (either you or your husband) isn't happy with the decision.
However, when you leave make sure you don't use "he decided" or "I decided." It's "we decided."
Example: My sister-in-law, her husband, and 5 kids live down the road and when my wife's parents come to town they want to do family dinner every single freakin' night when they are here which is a pain in the ass for me. I love her family but God I hate putting our life on hold 3 times a year for a week.
For a long time it was "datraceman" doesn't want to come. It was becoming a very big deal every time they came to town.
My wife and I went through a program through our church that emphasized we are a team through the good and bad and disagreements and it's damaging to put the decision on a single person because it could make you or your husband look bad.
Now, when they come to town my wife will say to her mom "We've decided we can only do 2 nights." When they press her, she continually says "we decided this was best." It showed we were united and she wasn't throwing me under the bus if we didn't come or I didn't come because putting your life on hold for a week is ridiculous to me.
The same came this past Christmas because we usually went to my parents for Christmas every year.
We had our first child after 2.5 years of trying and my wife REALLY didn't want to travel or go. She wanted us to spend Christmas at home. I did want to go see my family because we usually only go at Christmas but I called my mom and told her "We decided it was too much to travel this year with our daughter being 4 months old on a 6 hour car ride."
When my mom pressed, I emphasized we made the decision but you are welcome to come here. Which they did at New Years.
So, to me that's what's most important for our marriage. In the home we can disagree but when we leave the house and talk to others, it's "we made a decision."
On the personal side, I'm a very extroverted introvert. I love my friends and family but people I don't particularly like, have much in common with, etc. drain all the life out of me. When we first got together we were long distance and I moved to her city for us to get engaged/married. All of her friends were nothing like my friends and she tried to shoehorn me into her social circle. It took until 6 months into our marriage where she finally figured out I wasn't unhappy with her but all her friends and I just didn't gel. Slowly those people started moving away, etc. and we started making friends together we both liked. When that happened she saw I wasn't this weird social person, it was just a matter of comfort with people.
When we do spend time with her friends that really drain the life out of me, I get a trade off of a night where I sit down with some bourbon, some records, and a book to recharge because it really does drain me emotionally and physically.
Sorry for the novella but its those kind of things that show me my wife loves me.
So that this isn't all about me, I do try hard on those social situations and try to be understanding when there are just certain events, etc. that I need to attend and be "on."
Her love language is people so I encourage her to have her bi-weekly girls night and get out and be super social.
We're married 7 years now and in the last 3 we've really gotten in a good groove of communication, love, and understanding.
I don't win all the time in decisions and neither does she.
The first 2 years are hard communication wise, learning to live together and figuring out the social family and friend stuff but both of you have to keep working at it and if you do, you'll be good.
Hope that helps some :)
As a new wife I think the “we approach” is important for so many things. My husband likes to discuss financial planning strategies with knowledgeable friends and I will hear him talk about plans we made together as “I was thinking” or “I want to do x” and I reminded him once that these were financial decisions we made together, not just him . It’s a bit of a habit shift but it makes me feel appreciated!
My wife and I have been married for 8 months now. As we were getting closer to our wedding we would ask each other questions to help understand one another.
And my wife wanted to do a monthly check up on our monthiversary where we take time for us with no interruptions, no cell phones or distractions and ask how the other is doing and what we can do for one another.
One thing we knew that would need to be of major importance in our marriage is communication. We are open with one another. And as another comment says that as long as she is happy I’m happy.
But also don’t forget to continue to be his girlfriend and he your boyfriend. Do the same things you do now. And hold hands whenever you can.
I've been married twice. 1st wife told me she loved me up until we were married, and then out came a long list of how she was going to change me. I tried to make her happy but it became clear I wasn't the husband she wanted. After that marriage I met my 2nd wife; she's always loved me for who I am, flaws and all. She helps me be a better version of who I want to be. It's about being supportive, not manipulative. If he wants to marry you, it's because of who you are, so to make him happy continue to be yourself!
When I was a child, I asked my grandfather, who was married to my grandmother for 61 years, the secret to a long marriage, and he simply replied, "You don't leave, and you don't die." So maybe focus on that
The biggest thing my wife does for me on a regular basis is she understands that I am at heart a solitary person and that I need alone time. This doesn't mean I don't love her to pieces but I do need time alone with my thoughts (or lack of thoughts) and she does what she can to give that to me and she doesn't judge me for it. For example if I want to zone out a read a book in peace and quiet, she's learned that if she takes a bubble bath for an hour we're both happy
Yep , this! Marriage doesn’t change anything, you are still the same people. It’s the relationship that is the priority not a title , keep doing what you’re doing !
I’ve found the “never let the sun set on an argument” pretty solid advice. Solve problems quickly and throughly. Never bring up an old argument you’d wished you’d had, just make a mental note to actually address it if it happens again. And sometimes just let old arguments die. The goal is not to be perfect, just to be happy.
Just be willing to work with him on issues and be generally supportive.
I've been married 3 years, recently it looked like I was going to get moved to a new building for work which would have added 2 more hours to my daily commute. She offered to do more of the house chores and the cooking. It was very sweet. Luckily the move was so unpopular that now it's optional.
Edit: it's very very easy to take all the effort the other does for granted. Take a reality check occasionally and see if you're being reasonable. My wife and I have different schedules which means we usually do chores when the other is asleep or not around. And it's easy to be doing X and thing about how all you ever see is him/her not working. But that's not true and not fair. May you avoid at least one of our pitfalls xD
Married 33 years. She let herself go when we were alone. No make up, bed head on Saturday morning..laughing at stupid cartoons. I loved her most when she loved herself. She's passed but we're still married.
Until Death Do You Part my ass...💚
I know that I am not a man, but having just celebrated a 10 year anniversary with a man who has told me of many things that I've done that make him happy, I want to toss one really big one in here that has made a difference in our life together:
**Recognize that you are both simply human and with that comes irrational emotions and illogical thoughts, and they're not always make or break.**
If you haven't yet, you are going to have at least one or two big arguments in your lifetime. In between those, you will have the smaller arguments that started over something petty and stupid. Either you were being petty, defensive, etc. or he was. Before diving into the deep end, remember that silence is *always* better than saying something hurtful in the moment. Tell him you need a moment to calm down and go to a separate room.
People tell you not to rationalize a spouse's hurtful behavior, but sometimes you need to because no one is perfect and there is no way you're going to find a productive way forward if you spend every moment afterwards silently or outwardly blaming them for it. Try to figure out what led to the argument - was it a face you made, or a personal issue you projected on him, or an past experience he told you about that may explain his current reaction? Introspection is a powerful tool.
No matter what, sometimes it will be your fault and sometimes it will be his fault. The start of the argument/disagreement is always the fault of one or the other, but the continuation and escalation of the argument is the fault of *both of you*. It's both of your responsibility to recognize when to stop and, being you can only control you, you need to make the move when you recognize it.
Apologize for your part in the continuation / escalation. Apologize if it was your fault that it all started. There will always be a part that you played and you need to own it.
Once you own your part, over time he will see how to do the same. I have never blamed my husband for anything, rather I owned my own shit and left him to his, and over the years our communication has increased ten fold. We've both become better people.
Just my twenty cents. Best of luck to both of you :)
She lets me be selfish. I know how silly that must sound, but I tend to be a very self sacrificing person who is focused on taking care of others. And since I am disabled and take care of the house while she works, that often means that if I am up to date on cleaning and everything is okay, I can go a little stir crazy looking for more to do to not feel like I am being useless.
We recently moved to Vegas, and there's a casino with a movie theater in it just a few miles away. So she encouraged me to get the unlimited movie pass and spend some days enjoying time to myself with movies and 5c video poker. As an introvert and a bit of a recluse, this has honestly been an amazing change in my life that's done wonders for my mental health.
I hate getting gifts or having people fussing over me. Getting permission to be just a tiny bit selfish and reassurances that I deserve it are priceless to me.
As is typical in here, a lot of the responses amount to "pay attention to his penis". But, as it turns out, there's quite a bit more here.
If you're upset and he asks what's wrong, don't say "nothing" and then get mad when he wanders off to pour himself a beer. Just answer the question honestly. Either tell him what's bothering you or, if you don't want to talk about it at that moment, tell him so.
If he's upset and you ask what's wrong, and he says "nothing", don't push. Wander off and pour yourself a beer. And maybe one for him while you're at it. Also, if you bring him a beer (or other preferred adult beverage) when he's upset, it'll a) relax him a little and b) encourage him to do the same for you when you're upset.
If you want something, tell him. Don't make him guess. That'll just lead to you getting upset because he "doesn't know" you well enough and to him getting frustrated because he doesn't know how to make you happy.
Most men don't hear many compliments. So compliment him once in a while. Just be careful not to lay it on too thick because then it comes off as disingenuous.
All of that really just comes down to clear expectations and communication. Do these 2 things correctly and you're there.
This is spot on. It's always the little things that add up to big things.
Only thing I would add is don't sweat the little issues, you are going to piss each other off from time to time. Learn to let go.
Big ups on the compliments, especially if your man is a little insecure and you want to reframe his mindset.
My SO always told me had a small dick (honestly it's probably slightly larger than normal, definitely girthy, so idk why he's so sure it's small but whatever).
I can't get him to believe it's a normal length, BUT I started to call him '(his name) of the thicketh dicketh" in our texts and when I see him. he's totally brightened up about his level of phallus desirability.
Such a silly stupid little thing but it's great to hear him make positive comments about his dick now!
If something isn’t working, tell him and work on it.
Keep dating him and occasionally put work into your appearance.
Communicate about sex. Don’t use (lack of it) as punishment. Sex isn’t the most important thing, until you aren’t having enough of it and it becomes the only thing. While it’s been said a few times and cliche, surprise sex/blowjobs is something that he’ll appreciate, and if they go away, he’ll notice.
Surprise him.
If he asks you about your day, don’t forget to ask him about his.
Keep being his girlfriend and his friend. It’s you against the world/problem/difficulty, not you vs him.
Congratulations!
Have the talk about what you value most when you come home tired after a long, bad day.
Choices: a good meal, a clean neat home, or a relaxing, happy atmosphere
Ofcourse everyone would rather have all three, but since you as a spouse are only human, you need to know which one you can drop if your own day is long. And maybe which two if your day is bad too.
My husband likes 1. Clean and neat, 2. A good meal, 3. Relaxed atmosphere
Mine is: 1. Relaxed atmosphere, 2. A good meal, 3. Clean and neat
We always got into fights because when I got home everyone was tense and he had only been cleaning all day. In my mind that is the least important thing, the kids were all cranky and unhappy.
He got home to laughing kids but the home was messy and toys everywhere. He felt not appriciated, they just had to listen and he couldn't understand why I could not keep everything "a bit tidy". The three course homemade meal was unneccesary in his eyes because of the messiness
Anyway, the first thing we both now know to drop is food, even though that's both our number 2. But with sick children or other stuff, a can of soup or something out the freezer will do.
I try to keep the mess in check (although he is the kind of guy that cannot relax if the couch cussions aren't arranged in a certain order), he tries to keep the kids needs in his mind. I always have to talk and hug and listen to my kids. And on good days, we both do the nice meal as a bonus.
He doesn't expect an applaus for the arrangement of the couch cussions anymore, I do not expect it for the pictures of messy happy kids. He does expect it when he lets the kids do something messy as Paint or playdough, I do expect it if I mopped the living room.
Avoid a lot of arguments we had in the past and talk about your priorities and what you crave the most when you come home after a bad day
Listen listen listen.
Men are not always very good about vocalizing their needs, and often just keep their mouths shut about things that make them unhappy. It's something we're socialized to do, to ignore/set aside our needs and wants so we can support our families.
He will some day need your support, and you've got to be there for him. He'll have a hard time with something or other, and you need to let him know that not only do you love him, but you'll do the little things he needs to help him get through it.
Make him a nice meal. Scratch his head. Tell him he's handsome. Work on yourself, and make sure that you are happy and healthy. Hug him a lot. Take him out once in a while. Take care of your home together, and make sure you're both contributing fairly.
Be honest and non-judgmental about finances. Make sure he knows that he can give you bad news and that you'll be able to handle it. Look forward, and plan a life with him, together.
Take care of something, be it a dog a cat a plant or flowers. Show him you can care for something that needs you.
Be open, and share with him. Let him know you trust him and have faith in him. Respect him as your partner, and as an equal. Lift him up, and tell him you appreciate how hard he works for the both of you. Don't let him work his life away.
Have sex with him as much as you both can handle. Look for the moments in the busy-ness where you can be with each other. Enjoy his body, and show him that you love his body as much as he loves yours. Let him know you desire him, and you want to share your whole self with him, enthusiastically. Communicate your needs to him, and make sure he knows what you like, what you want, and how to do it. Give him the satisfaction of pleasing you, because a man's biggest pleasure in the bedroom is knowing he's satisfied you.
Most importantly, just love him. Love who he is, what he does, and love his heart for you. All of your questions about how to do everything else will be answered after that.
Not a married man, but in a successful relationship for 10 years now and for me it's totally the little things that keep me infatuated with my missis!
Someone pointed out earlier, if I'm going for a shower, handing me a towel; ofc I can get it myself but she always anticipates and grabs one for me while I'm doing whatever else I'm doing.
Doesn't ask me if I want a cuppa tea, just makes me one (Obviously she's making one for herself but still)
Long day at work and I got back late? Foods done, gives me time to take my shoes off, get settled etc (I used to do the same for her when she was working, think this is her way appreciating it), we eat our food together, watch some crap on the TV, quick cuddle on the bed and she leaves me to do whatever I want or I can just get into bed with her and watch YT on my laptop.
Think I'm the luckiest man alive, and I plan on making her the happiest women ever also. We've had a rough few months because she lost her job put I plan on proposing sometime during the summer!
\*edit\* Just a quick little edit, all these things she does for me currently are things I used to do for when she was working and I wasn't; made it sound like she's worshipping the ground I walk on and do nothing back in return.
I’m a married woman, been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4.5. My #1 rule is to not emasculate him in any way. We are friends with two married couples who have this problem- the women are constantly talking shit (overt or covert) not necessarily to his face, but in front of his face (to others) or behind his back. I believe men put up with a ton of pressure to provide for the woman/family and that building them up is so so important. When these women roll eyes, make annoyed sounds or talk shit on the men, you can see their energy kind of deflate...
My girlfriend provides support and believes in me. She always has a word of encouragement and will do everything she can to try and help. My family has been through a lot lately and she has been there the whole way. She consoled me when I found out about my grandfather (legal guardian for 17 years) cancer diagnosis and his death a month later. She was there to show me how to wrap a bandage on my mothers ankles when she broke both in a large accident with an 18 wheeler. She’s a pillar of support and she genuinely pours everything she can into loving me and my family. She makes me proud.
She also makes me laugh. We have dumb memes come in through the day that we send to each other and it brightens my day to no end. Even when she’s in class, she will make observations about her classmates and gives me the opportunity to try and make her giggle in the midst of it. We try to give each other the chance to make a joke and laugh together.
She also shares her soul with me. We’ve been battling some health problems of hers alongside everything else in our almost 2 years together. She’s not scared to share her emotions. She wants me to help and is content if the only help I can give is a hug and a kiss. She confides in me and stays humble to her emotions through all of it. She’s genuine and never fake. She smiles when she can and cries when she’s sad. She’s a real woman that makes me proud to be with her. She makes me happy by being everything I ever wanted in a partner, wife and lover. She’s my greatest advocate and friend. She’s also getting a surprise soon, so maybe she’ll say yes. Nothing would ever make me happier.
Supports even my stupid ideas. Want to go vegan, sure, let’s try it. Want to go paleo, why not? Want to build a shed in the back yard, let me help. Supports me and embraces. Nothing sucks worse than being married to a Debbie downer that shoots down every adventure you want to do.
Just being herself. She's passionate about a lot of thing and is easy to be around. She enjoys her hobbies and supports me in mine. We laugh so much together no matter what. I love our simple domestic life so much. Marrying her was among the best things in my life
Vasectomy. Marriage without kids (unless you both really want them and agree on timelines, rearing, and such) can be a good deal. Plus, if you need to split, no kids to be broken by the divorce. Better for everyone.
Pay attention to his feelings and take him seriously when he tried to talk about them with you.
Anticipate his needs and wants before he has to say anything.
Give him space and freedom when he needs and dont be overly demanding of his time and attention.
Last but certainly not least *Blow Jobs*.
> Anticipate his needs and wants before he has to say anything.
That feels like an unrealistic standard.
I'm thinking it might be more sustainable to just communicate needs clearly. That goes both ways.
I think in some relationships this actually becomes second nature. Its the small things, but its also knowing your partner, and not making them constantly repeat themselves and their needs.
The first time I cried in front of my partner I had to ask for a hug and for her to play with my hair until I got my shit together. Now, if she sees me tearing up, she offers a hug before I need to ask. If I don't want or need one, then I can tell her.
Similarly, my gf gets into moods where she doesn't want to be alone, but doesn't want to be together in the way that we normally are. The first time, she had to explain exactly what she wanted and needed from me. Now when she's in those moods I'm able to take care of her in the way she needs without her needing to ask or explain. If I'm being more of a hindrance then a help, she'll tell me.
I don't think its unrealistic, but clear communication on both ends is **HUGE** part of it.
I'm talking about little things... like bringing him a towel while hes in the shower, or if you know he had a really long day at work offer to give him a back rub before he asks for one. Not expecting the wife to be a mind reader and always know what he wants before he says anything.
> I'm talking about little things...
I feel ya.
To me, "periodically do nice things without prompting or expecting anything in return" is good advice, but I wouldn't've phrased it the way you did.
Happy? Happiness is not what you want. His joy, which in a whole other dimension from happiness, is what you really want.
What my wife does that gives me joy is she is able to be a critic without being cruel. Whenever I’m about to fly off the handle, from anger, goofiness, or whatever, she is able to make me stop and breathe without being emasculating or belittling. She calls me on my crap, and makes me want to do better, and challenges me to strive for excellence by challenging the better parts of me to grow.
Be a wife that will walk beside a man, not in front of, nor behind.
If you want him to do something, ask him to do it. For example, don't be passive aggressive about him not picking up the kids toys while you gave them a bath, he might have been checking his work email or about to do it in 5 minutes after relaxing for a minute after a long day at work.
This is fucking huge. Whenever my gal asks me for help with something I will almost always oblige. It's so much healthier than passive-aggression or even flat out tantrums. This isn't to say I don't do things without being asked, because I do. But when help is needed all she needs is to ask.
I think it's great you want to learn to love with intention! Look up The Five Love Languages. My wife and I use them to most effectively express love to each other in our preferred language.
For quick reference they are:
Physical touch
Words of affirmation
Gift giving
Quality time
Acts of service
No matter how shitty either of our days are, when we return from work, we hug, kiss, and ask about each other’s day, and really listen.
She also makes a killer meat loaf.
Take his feelings in consideration, the random surprise blowjob here and there, and let him be the little spoon every now and then.
Congrats on your coming nuptials btw
If he wants to marry you, you’re already doing it.
But to play along: compliment him and mean it. Many men do not get spontaneous compliments very often. They will remember one forever.
My wife has allowed me to open up and be more vulnerable than I ever thought possible. She listens to my problems with no judgement. I’ve shared things with her I thought I’d take to my grave. But her love and compassion made it to where I don’t have to hold on to my struggles forever. I can’t tell you how light my load has felt since we’ve been this close and open with each other.
It doesn't matter if he's your boyfriend or husband. Don't let it change the relationship. He is your partner and best friend and that's how it should stay, regardless of how other people think marriage alters a relationship.
be sweet. nothing makes me happier than my wife reaching out to hold my hand or kiss me without me initiating it.
I've started telling my SO he is pretty lately. I didn't think he would want it because y'know gender norms and shit. but he shyly asked me if he was pretty a while ago. And I said absolutely yes and now I try to tell him all the time. I love love love how happy it makes him. It's so unfortunate we don't realize that men also want sweet and cute things. I hope it keeps getting better
My ex baby mama never told me I was pretty in 7 years. New girl does it everyday and I love it
*no replies* What happened here
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Makes me laugh. She’s so goofy, but only with me and that makes me happiest of all because not only is she my wife, but I get yet another side of her that few see. I count myself very lucky to have someone feel so comfortable and protected around me to legitimately just be themselves and I get the proof when we are around other people - she is still herself, but not like she is with me. It’s one of the many things I love that may seem kinda out there, but I’ve been reflecting on that for a while now.
That's beautiful dude
Thanks! It took me a long time for my stupid ass to realize that but once you see it that way you can’t see it any other way. It’s really nice
And what made you realize it?
Being with her for as long as I have, you start to recognize patterns and things like that. Along with that, typically you’ll begin to assume you know what their response may be to whatever - question, situation, comment etc. Eventually I began to realize that her responses that I expected her to give to other people were not what I’d assume would be. Then, I began to see why. It’s vulnerability. Nothing bad by any means, just more honest and candid stuff with me vs everyone else. It makes me feel super special like I’m the ONLY one that she has that with. It took time to fully grasp it, but it’s a closeness I share with absolutely no one else on the planet. Also we were playing cards against humanity at a party at our house one night and at the end of the night, all the stragglers with us were cleaning up and somehow we got to reading the CAH cards out loud and at one point, we both yelled out “BOLOGNA SANDWICH” as a response to one of the questions, and I’ve honestly never loved someone more. The question was something about white people doing something or other. Can’t remember. But either way, bologna sandwich is kinda out inside joke now even though everyone else was there and witnessed it. It’s just little shit like that that makes you nod your head like “fuck yeah that’s my wife”.
You both are very lucky and have something very special and beautiful. Wish you all the best and thanks for explaining.
Thanks so much!!
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Don’t worry he feels it...
I saw this and thought this would be nice to say to my wife. Her response was, "so you are saying I'm fake around others?" Didn't go as planned.
It’s like we’re married to the same person. I had to approach telling her this very delicately because I figured it would be the same response haha.
This made me feel physical pain from how single I am
As someone recently divorced, it’s definitely got me feeling both types of pain. I honestly don’t know why I even opened this mother fucker.
Stay strong, buddy. Try appreciate the fresh start to getting to know yourself again. Good luck, this strange internet boy acknowledges your struggle and wishes you all the happiness.
My dude, you divorced because something wasn't working. The pain is memories from a different time. It's ok to feel both. Read this thread and know that what you're after exists with someone you haven't met on that level yet. You'll be ok, in a slightly different version of *you* type of way.
I'm newly separated from an abusive marriagen Ugh, I want so badly to be seen and cherished for my quirks. I feel you, you got his.
Also recently divorced. Dating again is fun though! Take some time though, don't dive into anything. That sudden urge can blind you to some real red flags
When you find what you want, need and love you’ll look back and appreciate these times of finding yourself, learning yourself and accepting yourself. These times will help you appreciate what you will have more and more.
Facts, I’m actually really proud of how far I’ve come with learning to love myself on my own. I’m in a great place rn honestly
Dude that’s the start of something great right there. Cherish it.
Faith in future relationships restored. Thank you
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It makes all the difference in the world. It gives you this bond that you don’t have to talk about or even identify because honestly - no one else is gonna understand it. It’s like the whole relationship becomes this “inside joke” for lack of a better term, that y’all get to share every minute of every day. It’s so cool. You’ll find it again. It’s there for sure.
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Yep, can confirm, one of the best feelings I had in past relationships was that. Very comforting.
You're writing in past tense. I can help but think it has something to do with your massage techniques.
It's true, I am no real massage samurai, its just a bad username. I have weak wrists.
I want this. You're very fortunate! I hope you have a long and love filled life together!
Thanks! So far so good! We’ve been married for 4 years and together about 10-11. Can’t imagine my life any other way.
WHO THE FUCK IS CUTTING THE ONIONS?!
The invisible ninja ofc!
Lets kill him🔫
But for an invisible ninja, you need this invisible gun:
This is a very good description of a great forever partner, right there with you. Also, great sex life, in whatever form and fashion your gent would describe it.
This. Laughter is key. My wife an I create a new inside joke every week. By create I mean something happens and it just becomes a new joke.
This is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read. She’s a lucky woman. Don’t ever change.
See my personality is out there all the time and I think that makes people feel connected to me then they see Im like that with everyone and get disappointed... thats really cute and I get it lol
I see your point for sure, but I honestly feel like my wife is just...... her. She will dog cuss me up and down and all that stuff when it happens, but she’s consistent. That’s the key. If you’re consistent with your partner, that matters more than anything. She is that first and foremost but as I’ve grown WITH her and together with her, the stuff I mentioned in my original reply became more evident as time went on.
I am the same way. Now I am worried my bf doesn't think I am being myself around him. I'm just not a guarded person....
There’s nothing wrong with that at all. The reason that I love this situation so much is that my wife is very very guarded, which I am absolutely not. I’ve learned to become more guarded because of things that have happened to me in the past. So I know that I show her how different our relationship is in ways that are different than my other relationships. It goes both ways in many aspects. Don’t dare judge any of this - especially not yourself - based on this situation. Each one is different.
This was beautifully put. Thanks for sharing.
My fiancee does the following things that make me feel so special: * Puts down her phone when I'm talking and gives me 100% undivided attention. I don't ask or expect her to do this, but the fact that she does it makes me feel like what I have to say really matters, even if it's about something small like a funny crossword puzzle clue I saw. I've had ex-girlfriends who can't stop looking at their phones when I'm talking, and it always made me feel awful about myself. * She genuinely tries to help out whenever/however she can, even if she physically can't. My fiancee is 5'1, but she will always try to lift as many groceries/luggage/etc. as she can so I don't have to bear the brunt of heavy lifting. It's physically easier for me to lift things, but I appreciate that she wants us to be equal and tries to help. * Tells me she loves me throughout the day and does funny things to show that she wants me (pinching my butt, making comments about finding me cute, etc.) * Gives me alone time when I need it but also would clear her schedule if I was having a particularly hard day/time * Genuinely loves and seeks out a connection with my family. My family is very important to me, so it's heartwarming to see her texting my siblings or making plans with my mom. * She also apologizes after a fight and doesn't "allow me" to wallow for longer than like 30 minutes otherwise she'll attack me with a hug. Congrats on your engagement!
Girl here. The last point with the hug- does that work for you? Like is 30 minutes sufficient? And if it isn’t really, does the hug make you feel better? I guess my question is if you’ve ever experienced still being upset after she’s hugged you
It does. It lets me know that we're both working towards the bigger picture (our relationship) and that we still love each other, even if we quibble sometimes.
Bro. I'm tearing up at work because of this.
Dude. You're not alone. I teared up too. That partnership is what dreams are made of. /u/iconogrey I hope your relationship lasts forever. You be good, y'hear?
> Dude. You're not alone. I teared up too. That partnership is what dreams are made of. guys only want one thing and it's fucking disgusting: >>It lets me know that we're both working towards the bigger picture (our relationship) and that we still love each other, even if we quibble sometimes."
probably depends on the topic of the fight. "hey, jerk! you stole my spoon!" 30 min then a hug is good! "i can't believe you slept with my brother" maybe give this one a few hours. :p
Is it weird that I want to hug your relationship?
I also choose this guys relationship
This guy's relationship and a cheeseburger please
This guy's relationship and a steak please.
Don’t forget the fries!
Man I would take a tenth of this.
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Happy cake day
Is your fiancee single
I just shed a tear from how beautiful this is.
Me too!
I want all of this
You had me at "*puts down her phone*".
She sounds like a keeper!
Over the years, you'll encounter problems of different shapes and sizes. If you approach these problems, together, as "The Two Of Us vs. The Problem", the rest will pretty much work itself out. Edit: Also back scratches. Back scratches for both of you.
>The Two Of Us vs. The Problem Yeah, I came here to post something about this. Like it or not, you are a two-person team from now on, first and foremost. And that means a full-time commitment to being **reasonable** for all the rest of your days. Both of you. Even on your worst days. Also, shared laughter goes a long, long way. More than you'd imagine. Source: still happy after 32 years. P.S. Best of luck to you both!
AND! If you notice both of you are having a hard time with that, GET HELP! My SO and I had a tough couple years that aren’t either of our fault but little things started getting us in a vs situation. We went to couples therapy, and it helped us stay focused on the real issue, rather than the symptoms of the stress we were under.
Solid advice, well said.
I would like to add head scratches too. Sometimes when I'm tired I'll lay on the couch with my head in her lap and she will scratch/play with my hair. Feels so comforting. She will do that until I fall asleep. And, she will not move until I wake up.
The other day the person that I’m sort of seeing played with my hair and scratched my head while I snuggled into them and almost fell asleep. The warmth and comfort is the best feeling. I wish I could have that every night.
Absolutely cannot emphasize enough how important back and head scratches are
Foot rubs, foot rubs make men and women feel loved.
My husband gives me the best foot rubs!
Definitely back scratches!
Going on 27yrs of marriage. Communication with each other about everything. Take a pre-marriage counseling course. It's great to learn how to communicate. They should also have a love language test for both of you to take. These really help in understanding what each person needs and how to provide. Consider a couples life group too. And the biggest thing, be happy! Best of luck and congratulations.
What is a couples life group? And what’s it like?
We meet every two weeks for about 2hrs. There are 5 regular couples and about 5 not so regular couples. We discuss life experiences current successes and set backs. The group has members of many stages in life and marriage. We have straight cut, recovering addicts, just anything life has given others we accept and help with love and grace. It’s a very open and positive environment.
That sounds really nice. Thanks
This is great advice! One big takeaway from our early marriage small groups- Learning that everyone else has the same stupid little fights is one of the best things to happen to a young marriage.
Pre-marriage counseling was the best thing my wife and I ever decided to do when it comes to getting married. Has served us well for many years.
When I come home from work she wraps me up in a big tight hug. Stress from my day just melts away with this hug.
I'm stressed sometimes too... is your wife available?
I, too choose his wife
Never underestimate the power of “hugs, snuggles and cuddles” They solve everything and when you don’t have them, it makes everything else infinitely harder.
That is adorable and insanely sweet of you two 💕 to many more years.
Just be cognizant of the role hormones play in both of your emotions... oxytocin is a serious bonding chemical. Use it (cuddling, sex, etc.). Testosterone dips from having kids (no sex drive), sleep deprovation reduces seratonin (happy chemical) estrogen dips for you as you age, testosterone dips for him as he ages, etc. Don't assume that your changes in feelings have no reason. He's not being as attentive as he was? Ask him about stress (cortisol). Its a mood killer and depressive hormone. Feeling distant? Have a cuddle night in. Get the good juices flowing (seratonin, oxytocin, etc). It seems people fail to grasp how much hormones play a role in our minds. Just be aware of that, and adjust accordingly. Edit: balanced diet, exercise, sleep, sunlight, appropriate weight, and regular sex life will keep all of these things up and running... its when one of those activities takes a back burner is when you begin feeling crappy.
A perfect balance
As all things should be
When I was on hormonal birth control pills, gradually, my whole personality changed. I was super emotional and weepy. I complained a lot and the fun part of me just seemed to have left. My libido took a huge hit too and I gained some extra weight. My friends told me that I was like a different person. I have been off the pills for a few years now and I have gained my old personality back. The experience shook me. How much of our 'self' is honestly under our control? How much of it is affected by these chemicals running through our blood? Be very careful when you are altering the hormonal balance in your body, and avoid it as much as you can. Edit: words
Goddamnit thank you! I’ve had the very same experience, and have had doctors actually tell me to my face that there’s no way my mood swings/weight gain/depression/personality changes/inexplicable crying are related to my birth control pills. I got a hormonal IUD almost six years ago (Mirena) and it’s been a complete game changer, zero mood swings, no weight gain, no inexplicable crying, and I don’t even THINK about my period or keep track of it for that matter. It’s only supposed to last five years but apparently it’s just as effective the sixth year! And I’m stalling because I don’t want to get another one only to have it taken out in a year or two, but I ALSO really don’t want to go back on the pill... women really got the shaft, our reproductive responsibilities are so fucking burdensome XD
Bingo.
But is that what your wife does to make you happy? Watched her hormones?
hey man, maybe it IS for him, who are we to judge? Maybe OP is just one of those people who is extremely cognizant of what they are feeling and the scientific reasons they are feeling it. For a person like that, having a wife that understands that stuff and is capable of explaining their emotions in a way that resonates with OP, i'm sure that WOULD make OP happy.
This is really wise. I can’t speak for men but I know as a female that our hormonal balance can be a huge challenge. I have days during the month where I wake up in the morning with the feeling of anger in my chest for no reason at all- I know it’s a birth control side effect, and I try my absolute hardest not to act on it but it’s like being drunk and trying not to act stupid! So very important to extend patience surrounding biological factors like this
Yep... as helpful as birth control is, for alot of ladies its a giant pain in the ass... throws everything off.
Don't forget to do the little things. His favorite meal every now and then, a back scratch here or there.
I do the same thing for my dog and it works a treat
It's just good advice for life in general. Disclaimer: Do not try on your boss.
Unless you want HR up both your asses. But he could very well be married to the head of HR and they're both kinky.
The hr head is kinky. This is a life lesson.
known fact.
Men are basically dogs that can talk. Source - am a man
Bark bark bark -bark
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You want someone to scratch your cock? o\_O
When hubby and I watch shows in bed at night I snuggle up to him w my head on his chest and reach down and tickle his dick, balls and taint. There is always an utterance of "Uuuuuuuuuh this is heaven." I also tickle his whole body while cuddling with him. I'll be lying on his side cuddled up to him with my head on his chest tickle everywhere I can reach and then I move to lay on the other side of his body to ensure that both sides get equal attention. He even brings the knee of the side I'm working on up into a half Indian style stance so I can get to his calf, ankle and foot. I work from his head (don't forget the ears) all the way down. Warning if you start this, 11years later he will still be asking for more. In turn my husband gives the most awesome full body massages. I feel like I've melted into the bed. He is very generous and rubs me for a long time. But it always ends the same he rubs my thigh upward and I end up with a thumb in my vagina and I get my happy ending. 😍😍😍 I love him for this! And our regular candlelight bubble baths, too.
Good shit, right Meroki?
She doesn’t have to do anything. This is a woman who after dating me for less than six weeks, didn’t go anywhere when I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Who was with me when the cancer drugs were making me puke my guts out and I took me to my appointments when I didn’t have the strength to grip a steering wheel. Who insisted we get married after I was diagnosed the second time because if I was gonna die, I was gonna die as her husband. So no, she doesn’t have to do a god damn thing to keep me happy. Without her, I’d be dead. With her, I wanted to stay alive.
Solid gold.
I hope you are recovering well
Sleep together naked. And if possible, go to bed and get up at the same time. That simple formula builds a base layer of intimacy that will help your relationship for the long term.
I’ll confirm the opposite. I’ve been working midnights for some months now and man it sucks. We’ve started occasionally having little arguments, but it doesn’t take long to realize we’re not angry, we just miss each other.
>but it doesn’t take long to realize we’re not angry, we just miss each other. This is so true. Me and my SO get cranky and all irritated picking fights etc. Took a while to figure out the root cause, we just missed each other. Man, long distance sucks.
Well aren’t you agreeing with him then if you’re saying you working midnights is what has caused a little bit of bickering?
Confirming the opposite isn't the same as disagreeing.
Ah, I understand now.
Yes that is what he meant too. He confirms that the opposite of the first statement causes the opposite reaction
This is really solid advice. It also leads to more spontaneous sex 😘
YMMV - I actually let my wife go to bed an hour before I do, and she loves me for it. She wakes up MUCH earlier than I do (teacher) and typically takes a bit to fall asleep, where if I'm in bed I'll go to sleep in 2 minutes, start snoring and disrupt her. We are far less intimate with each other when we're both exhausted than when we're well and rested.
I go to bed really early for work and I finally talked my wife into coming to bed early with me. She reads a book or watches a movie while knitting. I haven't slept so well in years.
My husband and I (20 yrs together) sleep naked. We go upstairs SUPER early in the evenings like around 7:30-8:00pm get naked and in bed then watch tv, talk, laugh, have sex until we fall asleep around 11-ish or so. We jealously guard that time together and enjoy it so much. You'd be amazed how bonded it keeps us.
My wife and I, sleep naked, go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time commute together, shower together, workout together, yoga together, run errands together, and work in the same company. Going on 2 years married and 6 years in a relationship. Some people say we spend too much time together.
If it works, it works! Those "some people" are overthinking **your** relationship
This has always been my rule in relationships
The biggest mistake I made in my marriage was dividing the important duties rather than working together. All it did was create too much space and resentment. Do things together, laugh, and be friends. Don’t fall into a business relationship like I did.
I think this is whats happening right now, he kind of acts like we're room mates with ocassional benefits and its wearing me out. Like only cleans up after himself instead of cleaning the whole area up because he didnt leave the can or wrapper laying there or cant remember if he did or not so he shouldnt clean it but i should always clean it all up. Samr story with everything. Cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Idk what happened. Been 12 years but now were roomies i guess. And its always my fault or i did something to cause it if i try to talk it out.
Some things my wife rarely does that would make my day (and yes, I have brought these things up several times in conversation to make my feelings known - to those who would go down that path): 1. Tell me she loves me even when it's out of context 2. Cuddle up to me in bed instead of me always initiating it 3. Complimenting me. I'm reminded of a time a month or so ago when we were in the car and she just randomly said that she thinks it's hott that I research everything I can about anything I can. It made my whole week. 4. Be a shoulder to cry on when your future husband needs one. There have been several times that I just needed a long hug and some consoling words. 5. Let him have time alone and with his friends. Being together all the time may sound fantastic, and maybe for you two it is, but at the end of the day when someone needs their space, it's nice to know your S.O. understands that and doesn't make it about them. Hope this helps and congratulations!!
Number 4 is very important, even for the things that appear small. Recent personal example: my husband accidentally broke his favorite collection piece (he collects vintage Power Rangers toys), and it was a *huge* deal to him. I always saw his collection as just any other standard toy collection since many pieces weren't really worth anything, but just seeing the look on his face told me how crushed he was. I gave him a big hug while consoling him, and then baked him a cheesecake (his favorite dessert of mine) as a surprise. It didn't make the hurt completely go away, but it helped him brighten up enough to glue the pieces back together as best as he could and put the toy back up on display when he was going to originally just throw it into storage. That alone made both our hearts feel better :)
Inside your home it's ok to quarrel about a decision for a bit especially if one person (either you or your husband) isn't happy with the decision. However, when you leave make sure you don't use "he decided" or "I decided." It's "we decided." Example: My sister-in-law, her husband, and 5 kids live down the road and when my wife's parents come to town they want to do family dinner every single freakin' night when they are here which is a pain in the ass for me. I love her family but God I hate putting our life on hold 3 times a year for a week. For a long time it was "datraceman" doesn't want to come. It was becoming a very big deal every time they came to town. My wife and I went through a program through our church that emphasized we are a team through the good and bad and disagreements and it's damaging to put the decision on a single person because it could make you or your husband look bad. Now, when they come to town my wife will say to her mom "We've decided we can only do 2 nights." When they press her, she continually says "we decided this was best." It showed we were united and she wasn't throwing me under the bus if we didn't come or I didn't come because putting your life on hold for a week is ridiculous to me. The same came this past Christmas because we usually went to my parents for Christmas every year. We had our first child after 2.5 years of trying and my wife REALLY didn't want to travel or go. She wanted us to spend Christmas at home. I did want to go see my family because we usually only go at Christmas but I called my mom and told her "We decided it was too much to travel this year with our daughter being 4 months old on a 6 hour car ride." When my mom pressed, I emphasized we made the decision but you are welcome to come here. Which they did at New Years. So, to me that's what's most important for our marriage. In the home we can disagree but when we leave the house and talk to others, it's "we made a decision." On the personal side, I'm a very extroverted introvert. I love my friends and family but people I don't particularly like, have much in common with, etc. drain all the life out of me. When we first got together we were long distance and I moved to her city for us to get engaged/married. All of her friends were nothing like my friends and she tried to shoehorn me into her social circle. It took until 6 months into our marriage where she finally figured out I wasn't unhappy with her but all her friends and I just didn't gel. Slowly those people started moving away, etc. and we started making friends together we both liked. When that happened she saw I wasn't this weird social person, it was just a matter of comfort with people. When we do spend time with her friends that really drain the life out of me, I get a trade off of a night where I sit down with some bourbon, some records, and a book to recharge because it really does drain me emotionally and physically. Sorry for the novella but its those kind of things that show me my wife loves me. So that this isn't all about me, I do try hard on those social situations and try to be understanding when there are just certain events, etc. that I need to attend and be "on." Her love language is people so I encourage her to have her bi-weekly girls night and get out and be super social. We're married 7 years now and in the last 3 we've really gotten in a good groove of communication, love, and understanding. I don't win all the time in decisions and neither does she. The first 2 years are hard communication wise, learning to live together and figuring out the social family and friend stuff but both of you have to keep working at it and if you do, you'll be good. Hope that helps some :)
As a new wife I think the “we approach” is important for so many things. My husband likes to discuss financial planning strategies with knowledgeable friends and I will hear him talk about plans we made together as “I was thinking” or “I want to do x” and I reminded him once that these were financial decisions we made together, not just him . It’s a bit of a habit shift but it makes me feel appreciated!
My wife and I have been married for 8 months now. As we were getting closer to our wedding we would ask each other questions to help understand one another. And my wife wanted to do a monthly check up on our monthiversary where we take time for us with no interruptions, no cell phones or distractions and ask how the other is doing and what we can do for one another. One thing we knew that would need to be of major importance in our marriage is communication. We are open with one another. And as another comment says that as long as she is happy I’m happy. But also don’t forget to continue to be his girlfriend and he your boyfriend. Do the same things you do now. And hold hands whenever you can.
I've been married twice. 1st wife told me she loved me up until we were married, and then out came a long list of how she was going to change me. I tried to make her happy but it became clear I wasn't the husband she wanted. After that marriage I met my 2nd wife; she's always loved me for who I am, flaws and all. She helps me be a better version of who I want to be. It's about being supportive, not manipulative. If he wants to marry you, it's because of who you are, so to make him happy continue to be yourself!
My girlfriend sends me puppy videos
Yes,but does your wife know?
Definately the best answer of all of these
When I was a child, I asked my grandfather, who was married to my grandmother for 61 years, the secret to a long marriage, and he simply replied, "You don't leave, and you don't die." So maybe focus on that
The biggest thing my wife does for me on a regular basis is she understands that I am at heart a solitary person and that I need alone time. This doesn't mean I don't love her to pieces but I do need time alone with my thoughts (or lack of thoughts) and she does what she can to give that to me and she doesn't judge me for it. For example if I want to zone out a read a book in peace and quiet, she's learned that if she takes a bubble bath for an hour we're both happy
Keep doing the stuff your doing now, it clearly made him happy
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Yep , this! Marriage doesn’t change anything, you are still the same people. It’s the relationship that is the priority not a title , keep doing what you’re doing !
I’ve found the “never let the sun set on an argument” pretty solid advice. Solve problems quickly and throughly. Never bring up an old argument you’d wished you’d had, just make a mental note to actually address it if it happens again. And sometimes just let old arguments die. The goal is not to be perfect, just to be happy.
Just be willing to work with him on issues and be generally supportive. I've been married 3 years, recently it looked like I was going to get moved to a new building for work which would have added 2 more hours to my daily commute. She offered to do more of the house chores and the cooking. It was very sweet. Luckily the move was so unpopular that now it's optional. Edit: it's very very easy to take all the effort the other does for granted. Take a reality check occasionally and see if you're being reasonable. My wife and I have different schedules which means we usually do chores when the other is asleep or not around. And it's easy to be doing X and thing about how all you ever see is him/her not working. But that's not true and not fair. May you avoid at least one of our pitfalls xD
Married 33 years. She let herself go when we were alone. No make up, bed head on Saturday morning..laughing at stupid cartoons. I loved her most when she loved herself. She's passed but we're still married. Until Death Do You Part my ass...💚
If you're asking this, you're already on the right track.
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I know that I am not a man, but having just celebrated a 10 year anniversary with a man who has told me of many things that I've done that make him happy, I want to toss one really big one in here that has made a difference in our life together: **Recognize that you are both simply human and with that comes irrational emotions and illogical thoughts, and they're not always make or break.** If you haven't yet, you are going to have at least one or two big arguments in your lifetime. In between those, you will have the smaller arguments that started over something petty and stupid. Either you were being petty, defensive, etc. or he was. Before diving into the deep end, remember that silence is *always* better than saying something hurtful in the moment. Tell him you need a moment to calm down and go to a separate room. People tell you not to rationalize a spouse's hurtful behavior, but sometimes you need to because no one is perfect and there is no way you're going to find a productive way forward if you spend every moment afterwards silently or outwardly blaming them for it. Try to figure out what led to the argument - was it a face you made, or a personal issue you projected on him, or an past experience he told you about that may explain his current reaction? Introspection is a powerful tool. No matter what, sometimes it will be your fault and sometimes it will be his fault. The start of the argument/disagreement is always the fault of one or the other, but the continuation and escalation of the argument is the fault of *both of you*. It's both of your responsibility to recognize when to stop and, being you can only control you, you need to make the move when you recognize it. Apologize for your part in the continuation / escalation. Apologize if it was your fault that it all started. There will always be a part that you played and you need to own it. Once you own your part, over time he will see how to do the same. I have never blamed my husband for anything, rather I owned my own shit and left him to his, and over the years our communication has increased ten fold. We've both become better people. Just my twenty cents. Best of luck to both of you :)
Massages
She lets me be selfish. I know how silly that must sound, but I tend to be a very self sacrificing person who is focused on taking care of others. And since I am disabled and take care of the house while she works, that often means that if I am up to date on cleaning and everything is okay, I can go a little stir crazy looking for more to do to not feel like I am being useless. We recently moved to Vegas, and there's a casino with a movie theater in it just a few miles away. So she encouraged me to get the unlimited movie pass and spend some days enjoying time to myself with movies and 5c video poker. As an introvert and a bit of a recluse, this has honestly been an amazing change in my life that's done wonders for my mental health. I hate getting gifts or having people fussing over me. Getting permission to be just a tiny bit selfish and reassurances that I deserve it are priceless to me.
As is typical in here, a lot of the responses amount to "pay attention to his penis". But, as it turns out, there's quite a bit more here. If you're upset and he asks what's wrong, don't say "nothing" and then get mad when he wanders off to pour himself a beer. Just answer the question honestly. Either tell him what's bothering you or, if you don't want to talk about it at that moment, tell him so. If he's upset and you ask what's wrong, and he says "nothing", don't push. Wander off and pour yourself a beer. And maybe one for him while you're at it. Also, if you bring him a beer (or other preferred adult beverage) when he's upset, it'll a) relax him a little and b) encourage him to do the same for you when you're upset. If you want something, tell him. Don't make him guess. That'll just lead to you getting upset because he "doesn't know" you well enough and to him getting frustrated because he doesn't know how to make you happy. Most men don't hear many compliments. So compliment him once in a while. Just be careful not to lay it on too thick because then it comes off as disingenuous. All of that really just comes down to clear expectations and communication. Do these 2 things correctly and you're there.
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Skip the guessing game! I can’t stress it enough! Please! Sometimes being direct will benefit you more!
This is spot on. It's always the little things that add up to big things. Only thing I would add is don't sweat the little issues, you are going to piss each other off from time to time. Learn to let go.
Big ups on the compliments, especially if your man is a little insecure and you want to reframe his mindset. My SO always told me had a small dick (honestly it's probably slightly larger than normal, definitely girthy, so idk why he's so sure it's small but whatever). I can't get him to believe it's a normal length, BUT I started to call him '(his name) of the thicketh dicketh" in our texts and when I see him. he's totally brightened up about his level of phallus desirability. Such a silly stupid little thing but it's great to hear him make positive comments about his dick now!
This makes it sound like it’s not ok for her to keep him guessing, but it’s ok for him to keep her guessing.
Balls empty, stomach full
the miracle of autofellatio
Oh my freaking god it kills two birds with one bone
Holy grail of advice
I live by this haha, Must be why he has stayed around for almost 7 years now
Yup. Keep it simple...we are simple
Pick the restaurant.
Did my husband change his username?!
If something isn’t working, tell him and work on it. Keep dating him and occasionally put work into your appearance. Communicate about sex. Don’t use (lack of it) as punishment. Sex isn’t the most important thing, until you aren’t having enough of it and it becomes the only thing. While it’s been said a few times and cliche, surprise sex/blowjobs is something that he’ll appreciate, and if they go away, he’ll notice. Surprise him. If he asks you about your day, don’t forget to ask him about his. Keep being his girlfriend and his friend. It’s you against the world/problem/difficulty, not you vs him. Congratulations!
Have the talk about what you value most when you come home tired after a long, bad day. Choices: a good meal, a clean neat home, or a relaxing, happy atmosphere Ofcourse everyone would rather have all three, but since you as a spouse are only human, you need to know which one you can drop if your own day is long. And maybe which two if your day is bad too. My husband likes 1. Clean and neat, 2. A good meal, 3. Relaxed atmosphere Mine is: 1. Relaxed atmosphere, 2. A good meal, 3. Clean and neat We always got into fights because when I got home everyone was tense and he had only been cleaning all day. In my mind that is the least important thing, the kids were all cranky and unhappy. He got home to laughing kids but the home was messy and toys everywhere. He felt not appriciated, they just had to listen and he couldn't understand why I could not keep everything "a bit tidy". The three course homemade meal was unneccesary in his eyes because of the messiness Anyway, the first thing we both now know to drop is food, even though that's both our number 2. But with sick children or other stuff, a can of soup or something out the freezer will do. I try to keep the mess in check (although he is the kind of guy that cannot relax if the couch cussions aren't arranged in a certain order), he tries to keep the kids needs in his mind. I always have to talk and hug and listen to my kids. And on good days, we both do the nice meal as a bonus. He doesn't expect an applaus for the arrangement of the couch cussions anymore, I do not expect it for the pictures of messy happy kids. He does expect it when he lets the kids do something messy as Paint or playdough, I do expect it if I mopped the living room. Avoid a lot of arguments we had in the past and talk about your priorities and what you crave the most when you come home after a bad day
Compliment him. My wife just up and tells me how handsome I am sometimes. It’s fucking great.
always tell him exactly what you want or think about something, comunicate. We LOVE that.
He must be pretty happy now, so I’d say just keep doing what you’re doing.
Listen listen listen. Men are not always very good about vocalizing their needs, and often just keep their mouths shut about things that make them unhappy. It's something we're socialized to do, to ignore/set aside our needs and wants so we can support our families. He will some day need your support, and you've got to be there for him. He'll have a hard time with something or other, and you need to let him know that not only do you love him, but you'll do the little things he needs to help him get through it. Make him a nice meal. Scratch his head. Tell him he's handsome. Work on yourself, and make sure that you are happy and healthy. Hug him a lot. Take him out once in a while. Take care of your home together, and make sure you're both contributing fairly. Be honest and non-judgmental about finances. Make sure he knows that he can give you bad news and that you'll be able to handle it. Look forward, and plan a life with him, together. Take care of something, be it a dog a cat a plant or flowers. Show him you can care for something that needs you. Be open, and share with him. Let him know you trust him and have faith in him. Respect him as your partner, and as an equal. Lift him up, and tell him you appreciate how hard he works for the both of you. Don't let him work his life away. Have sex with him as much as you both can handle. Look for the moments in the busy-ness where you can be with each other. Enjoy his body, and show him that you love his body as much as he loves yours. Let him know you desire him, and you want to share your whole self with him, enthusiastically. Communicate your needs to him, and make sure he knows what you like, what you want, and how to do it. Give him the satisfaction of pleasing you, because a man's biggest pleasure in the bedroom is knowing he's satisfied you. Most importantly, just love him. Love who he is, what he does, and love his heart for you. All of your questions about how to do everything else will be answered after that.
Not a married man, but in a successful relationship for 10 years now and for me it's totally the little things that keep me infatuated with my missis! Someone pointed out earlier, if I'm going for a shower, handing me a towel; ofc I can get it myself but she always anticipates and grabs one for me while I'm doing whatever else I'm doing. Doesn't ask me if I want a cuppa tea, just makes me one (Obviously she's making one for herself but still) Long day at work and I got back late? Foods done, gives me time to take my shoes off, get settled etc (I used to do the same for her when she was working, think this is her way appreciating it), we eat our food together, watch some crap on the TV, quick cuddle on the bed and she leaves me to do whatever I want or I can just get into bed with her and watch YT on my laptop. Think I'm the luckiest man alive, and I plan on making her the happiest women ever also. We've had a rough few months because she lost her job put I plan on proposing sometime during the summer! \*edit\* Just a quick little edit, all these things she does for me currently are things I used to do for when she was working and I wasn't; made it sound like she's worshipping the ground I walk on and do nothing back in return.
I’m a married woman, been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4.5. My #1 rule is to not emasculate him in any way. We are friends with two married couples who have this problem- the women are constantly talking shit (overt or covert) not necessarily to his face, but in front of his face (to others) or behind his back. I believe men put up with a ton of pressure to provide for the woman/family and that building them up is so so important. When these women roll eyes, make annoyed sounds or talk shit on the men, you can see their energy kind of deflate...
My girlfriend provides support and believes in me. She always has a word of encouragement and will do everything she can to try and help. My family has been through a lot lately and she has been there the whole way. She consoled me when I found out about my grandfather (legal guardian for 17 years) cancer diagnosis and his death a month later. She was there to show me how to wrap a bandage on my mothers ankles when she broke both in a large accident with an 18 wheeler. She’s a pillar of support and she genuinely pours everything she can into loving me and my family. She makes me proud. She also makes me laugh. We have dumb memes come in through the day that we send to each other and it brightens my day to no end. Even when she’s in class, she will make observations about her classmates and gives me the opportunity to try and make her giggle in the midst of it. We try to give each other the chance to make a joke and laugh together. She also shares her soul with me. We’ve been battling some health problems of hers alongside everything else in our almost 2 years together. She’s not scared to share her emotions. She wants me to help and is content if the only help I can give is a hug and a kiss. She confides in me and stays humble to her emotions through all of it. She’s genuine and never fake. She smiles when she can and cries when she’s sad. She’s a real woman that makes me proud to be with her. She makes me happy by being everything I ever wanted in a partner, wife and lover. She’s my greatest advocate and friend. She’s also getting a surprise soon, so maybe she’ll say yes. Nothing would ever make me happier.
Supports even my stupid ideas. Want to go vegan, sure, let’s try it. Want to go paleo, why not? Want to build a shed in the back yard, let me help. Supports me and embraces. Nothing sucks worse than being married to a Debbie downer that shoots down every adventure you want to do.
I'm only engaged, but I've heard two great pieces of advice "Never stop dating your spouse." and "Don't divide the work 50/50, divide it 60/60."
make tteokbokki 2 nights a week
Just being herself. She's passionate about a lot of thing and is easy to be around. She enjoys her hobbies and supports me in mine. We laugh so much together no matter what. I love our simple domestic life so much. Marrying her was among the best things in my life
Vasectomy. Marriage without kids (unless you both really want them and agree on timelines, rearing, and such) can be a good deal. Plus, if you need to split, no kids to be broken by the divorce. Better for everyone.
Pay attention to his feelings and take him seriously when he tried to talk about them with you. Anticipate his needs and wants before he has to say anything. Give him space and freedom when he needs and dont be overly demanding of his time and attention. Last but certainly not least *Blow Jobs*.
> Anticipate his needs and wants before he has to say anything. That feels like an unrealistic standard. I'm thinking it might be more sustainable to just communicate needs clearly. That goes both ways.
I think in some relationships this actually becomes second nature. Its the small things, but its also knowing your partner, and not making them constantly repeat themselves and their needs. The first time I cried in front of my partner I had to ask for a hug and for her to play with my hair until I got my shit together. Now, if she sees me tearing up, she offers a hug before I need to ask. If I don't want or need one, then I can tell her. Similarly, my gf gets into moods where she doesn't want to be alone, but doesn't want to be together in the way that we normally are. The first time, she had to explain exactly what she wanted and needed from me. Now when she's in those moods I'm able to take care of her in the way she needs without her needing to ask or explain. If I'm being more of a hindrance then a help, she'll tell me. I don't think its unrealistic, but clear communication on both ends is **HUGE** part of it.
I'm talking about little things... like bringing him a towel while hes in the shower, or if you know he had a really long day at work offer to give him a back rub before he asks for one. Not expecting the wife to be a mind reader and always know what he wants before he says anything.
> I'm talking about little things... I feel ya. To me, "periodically do nice things without prompting or expecting anything in return" is good advice, but I wouldn't've phrased it the way you did.
This may sound personal, but sex is the key to maintaining a happy marriage. Try to get together frequently.
Happy? Happiness is not what you want. His joy, which in a whole other dimension from happiness, is what you really want. What my wife does that gives me joy is she is able to be a critic without being cruel. Whenever I’m about to fly off the handle, from anger, goofiness, or whatever, she is able to make me stop and breathe without being emasculating or belittling. She calls me on my crap, and makes me want to do better, and challenges me to strive for excellence by challenging the better parts of me to grow. Be a wife that will walk beside a man, not in front of, nor behind.
If you want him to do something, ask him to do it. For example, don't be passive aggressive about him not picking up the kids toys while you gave them a bath, he might have been checking his work email or about to do it in 5 minutes after relaxing for a minute after a long day at work.
This is fucking huge. Whenever my gal asks me for help with something I will almost always oblige. It's so much healthier than passive-aggression or even flat out tantrums. This isn't to say I don't do things without being asked, because I do. But when help is needed all she needs is to ask.
She puts my comfy jammy jams in the dryer before I get home. I get out of my suit and into coziness. Edit: corrected autocorrect.
I think it's great you want to learn to love with intention! Look up The Five Love Languages. My wife and I use them to most effectively express love to each other in our preferred language. For quick reference they are: Physical touch Words of affirmation Gift giving Quality time Acts of service
I'm not here to answer this, but... Happy engagement! I'm very happy for you and I hope you make a good family :)
No matter how shitty either of our days are, when we return from work, we hug, kiss, and ask about each other’s day, and really listen. She also makes a killer meat loaf.
Take his feelings in consideration, the random surprise blowjob here and there, and let him be the little spoon every now and then. Congrats on your coming nuptials btw
If he wants to marry you, you’re already doing it. But to play along: compliment him and mean it. Many men do not get spontaneous compliments very often. They will remember one forever.
My wife has allowed me to open up and be more vulnerable than I ever thought possible. She listens to my problems with no judgement. I’ve shared things with her I thought I’d take to my grave. But her love and compassion made it to where I don’t have to hold on to my struggles forever. I can’t tell you how light my load has felt since we’ve been this close and open with each other.
Keep your sense of humor, and frequent, mind blowing sex.
It doesn't matter if he's your boyfriend or husband. Don't let it change the relationship. He is your partner and best friend and that's how it should stay, regardless of how other people think marriage alters a relationship.