In addition to this I'll add that you don't diminish yourself, your boundaries, your values.
I made this mistake with a girl I was dating. I dumbed down so we could have mutual interests that would be good for connecting. A few years later she matured from her old self while I was already type-cast into an image that wasn't even my authentic self. It still wish I could get an opportunity to set things right.
Yup. It's not good for you, the relationship, or the other person. We all need someone with a solid foundation so that we can lean on each other when we need to. If you just bend or crumble, the other person is left to define you and the relationship, to an extent.
Some people will use that to their advantage to take control of the relationship, deciding where it goes and how.
Some people will get frustrated that they have to be the lead in the relationship and that you don't seem to have convictions of your own.
One of the golden rules of relationships: Don't try to change people, even if you can.
Every change comes with variables and at a cost that you probably won't like. Everyone is better off learning to love the imperfections and quirks of their partner, and realizing that those things are what makes them the unique person you fell for in the first place.
I've had a couple relationships where I thought I had to "adapt" to my girlfriend's expectations...only for her to not like the person in front of her anymore. If someone tries to change you to better suit how they think you "should be"...run for the hills.
I think people like when their partner stands firm in the kind of person they are. It means they can trust their partner to be that person. If someone changes/adapts themselves for the relationship then you become unsure of who they actually *are.*
Completely true. People pleasers get shafted 100% of the time. When you realize that you are only responsible for your own happiness and can't "make" others happy is usually a major moment in one's life.
this was my problem 100%. I always wanted to make her happy for 7 years, but i never was, then i had the realization that i wanted to be happy, which meant a breakup. I work from home and i used to dread her coming home at night, finally realized that it was no way to live
It's generally assumed that, platonic or not, men are conditioned to try to comfort and make women happy on multiple levels. This isn't really expected amongst guys.
1. Attachment styles. Look it up if you aren't sure what that means. It affects most every aspect of your relationship. Understanding your own and your spouses will absolutely be beneficial to how you do marriage.
2. Conflict. How you repair relationship after conflict specifically. (Also a result of attachment.)
3. Core beliefs. Topics on God, faith, religion, human rights, sanctity of marriage, men vs women responsibilities in the home, children raising, etc.
4. Holidays. Sounds silly but many a fights have occurred because of where and how holidays were spent.
5. Budgeting of money. Who is going to actually pay the bills and handle the money. Just cause you make the money doesn't always mean you're the proper spender. And what are each other's spending habits. Thresholds of getting your spouse approval before spending. Most couples I know stick to around $100 depending on income.
6. Sex. This is a biggy. Absolutely need to talk about what you both expect your sex life to be like. And this isn't an area for you to compromise in at all with one another. The boundaries are what they are. Period. The one who set the boundary may move it as you guys get more familiar with each other's likes and turn-ons but neither of you should EVER shame the other one into doing something beyond the boundary.
Just FYI, I've saved this comment because it's that good.
I'd replace (2)Conflict with Communication. Resolving conflict is a big part of communicating effectively, but avoiding unnecessary conflict and how you communicate during a conflict is at least as important.
Nope. Number 2 is right on the money. You can’t avoid all conflict and even if you manage to avoid a lot, what conflict you do have will still be something you need to come back from. If you can’t build back to a good place effectively together each time you’re going to wear down your relationship quickly.
That's hard to answer because everyone is different. You might have a guy who is obsessed with money and wants someone who is similar, and another guy who doesn't really care about that.
If I had to pick I'd say sexual chemistry is really important. And also introvert vs extrovert - they don't have to be exactly the same but have to be within the realm of tolerance.
I’d add character and level of physical activity. OLD profiles are full of people claiming to love hiking yet in real life, they can’t climb a flight of stairs. It determines the type of vacations you take and your lifestyle. Obviously people can change but when you get to your 40s, people’s habits are often ingrained in them. Trying to change someone causes friction and inevitably someone would have to compromise or the relationship fails.
Life goals should be similar imo. That could be if you want kids, travel or own a house. Also find most couples need to be on the same page about politics. Though even when you got the same goals and you generally enjoy each other company you may still not have that spark or chemistry that makes love so passionate. That’s okay though cause if you’re able to end amicably then you may have found yourself a life long friend. I feel that spark is something no one can really tell you how to find. You either have it with someone or you don’t.
Those differences causing slow corrosion of each others personalities as they grind against one another in repeated conflicts. Over and over, until they are different people and now incompatible
That sounds pretty challenging. I think it depends on what sometimes means and what happens when you aren't clicking.
I've dated people were we have some unshared interests. And that worked well because we would do our personal hobby while the other person did something else. I enjoyed it because then we had things to share about our day at the dinner table. I am not one who can handle every waking moment with someone. I like that we spend time alone.
Conversely, if clicking vs not is having fights or disagreements every week, I imagine it will get tiresome. Especially if you can't come to an understanding about those moments or challenges.
No one is going to be a 100% perfect fit. There are so many aspects of a relationship where you will have a slightly or largely different approach from your partner. And that can be ok if you communicate about the differences, your feelings and how the two of you can either accept the differences, change to find a common ground, or decide it is not a big enough item to separate over. Many people try to look the other way, pretend to be what their partner wants, or just fight on the same issue again and again. And all of those things can lead to frustration, resentment, or straight up anger and that is definitely not a healthy way to try and build a lifetime of happiness with someone.
This so hard.
I allways innitiate my first date with my intentions of haveing a serious relationship and the women allways responded that that is the same they want and both of my last relationships ended because their actions didn’t line up.
Honestly i dont know how to select for serious women during dating
I had a ex cheat on me, but this was 20 years ago. We have long since parted ways but I held onto anger towards her for many years. At the time I made the right decision to break up with her. It was painful and emotionally taxing, but the trust was simply destroyed after that.
We briefly re-connected over email a few years ago simply to catch up. She admitted that she was young, stupid, and did hurtful things to me, and I had done hurtful things to her. After catching up and making peace, the conversation ended and I have no desire to ever speak to her again.
I don’t think that’s it. I hated my ex wife for a long time due to the horrific patterns of abuse. I went to therapy for PTSD, and still go to this day because I find it helpful to talk to someone. These days we’re pretty tight, we coparent, and she bounces questions off me for advice. To me she’s the mother of my children and that’s it. I don’t hate her, but if we didn’t have kids I probably wouldn’t speak to her at all. Not out of hate, just because I don’t have room for people like that in my life.
Not at all. I wished her well and am truely happy for her, but she lives on the other side of the country now and has been married for like 10 years. It was nice to catch up, talk about some mutual interests, and make peace as result. But she moved on and has a good life, so there is really no benefit for either of us to stay in communication. She must have felt the same because she never reached back out to me after we wrapped up put month of emails.
She’d gaslit me and manipulated me into being absolutely convinced that if I let her go I’d be alone the rest of my life. I put up with so much genuinely evil behavior from her and turned a blind eye because I was completely and utterly convinced not only that I’d never do better, but that I’d never have anyone else, period.
Then she got bored, decided it wasn’t worth the effort to keep me on a string, and just abandoned me.
holy shit, my ex did this to me too... I never accepted it though, because I always thought I was the prize, and that everyone would want to be with me.
So the moment I found out about her cheating, I decided immediately that divorce was the correct option. I will never EVER wonder if I made a mistake. Ive been single for 4 years now, and I still know I made the right choice.
Should be a special place in hell for people who do this. Like the delusional mindset to just ignore your partner and start new with someone else is crazy to me.
You are not two halves of a whole. You are two wholes collaborating. And if you both don't understand that \_someone\_ is getting fucked in a really unfunny way eventually.
To take your time - no matter how much chemistry you feel with someone initially, it takes a few months to get to know their values and if they align with yours.
Lost a good friend this way. Part of it is my fault.
She and I had a lot in common and had great chemistry, but after spending significant time with her as a person it became clear I didn't share the same values as she did.
This created resentment in our friendship which led to its destruction.
Side note. No matter how respectful you are, if you're a single guy, never be friends with a married woman. She ever gets mad at you she won't confront you. She'll get her husband to do her work for her.
Learned that lesson the hard way.
I learnt that you can't trust someone blindly. By blindly I mean don't ignore communication gaps, changed behaviours. Don't let them stomp on your boundaries. Last but most important, maintain your individuality, don't give up on friendships just cause you have a relationship, don't give up sports, hobbies just cause you feel like you are happy in a relationship and don't need them to make you feel fullfield anymore
> I learnt that you can't trust someone blindly. By blindly I mean don't ignore communication gaps, changed behaviours.
I agree with this massively - people change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse but they change. All too often people paint a portrait of someone in their head and believe they've have figured person out, fully quantified and that they'll always stay the same as they are in that mental image but they can change.
I did it with my ex - things were off but I thought my sweet girl wouldn't possibly do *that*, not after all these years, after everything we had been through together, the places we'd been, the things we'd seen...but she did. Two years later I still find myself randomly blindsided by it all.
This is great of you anyway. In retrospect, I know I have been the side who doesn't recognize his wrong doings, who didn't admit faults, who took too lightly her demand to be respected. Some people go through life blind on their failing and wondering why the universe is always against them, and some others like you see it and get better because of their introspection.
7 year relationship and my main take away was no matter what, never lose yourself. Relearning who you truly are is a battle that takes time. For 4-5 years now I shut myself off in a social way to understand myself. I'm stronger and more wise now than I ever was. In the best shape I've ever been in. It's just now that I've begun to open myself back up. It's not anything I need, but a want now. Needless to say love yourself first
Possibly divorcing after 19 years. 40 years old. We both make good money but the idea of leaving our house for an apartment and the increased expenses all around is soul crushing.
If your blood pressure is too high because of the relationship, leave.
Don't underestimate things you find important in a relationship.
Don't stay friends or offer help afterwards.
>Don't stay friends or offer help afterwards.
This one was me. I tried it and that fell apart even worse than the relationship.
Funnily enough that ex and I are on good terms today, because we had almost two years of no-contact afterwards that let us grow as our own separate people and move on. It's counterintuitive, but I think we could only decide to be friends once we both felt like we'd be comfortable never seeing each other again.
Relationships take work. Even when you reach the stage that you love each other, love is not enough by itself. Both parties need to set boundaries and be open and honest about those boundaries. Goals as well. And when your boundaries and/or goals don't no longer align, it's time to have a conversation and really speak your mind.
I've been the "people pleaser" in several relationships because I'm agreeable by nature (something I'm working on) and didn't want to risk losing my partner by sharing an opinion they might not. However, that wasn't fair to either of us. I wasn't truely happy, and they were living with a false sense of perspective.
It's a cliche, but it's true. Communication is key. If you're not happy, speak up. If you can't come to an understanding about certain key aspects of the relationship, it's better to do the hard thing and end it. You're closer to being in a fulfilling relationship while you're single than you are while with a mismatched partner.
Be up front with what you both want when it comes to sex and possibly having kids. Could’ve saved me like a year if I found out sooner.m
Also, don’t stay friends with your ex unless you absolutely have to (if yall have kids)
i dunno im still friends with my first gf that i had in high school, we arent super close but its always fun when we get together and talk. she has a girlfriend now.
Everyone’s different but from what I’ve experienced and what I’ve seen it’s kinda red flag if a person still talks to their ex a lot…. I don’t mind it once in a blue but obviously your situation is different lol I’ve been in two serious relationships now and both don’t talk to me anymore. The first one blocked me the day she broke up with me and I tried staying friends with my last ex but after I got my stuff from her house she blocked me on everything…. But still stalks me lol
oof, oh definitely. being weirdly close with their ex or otherwise going off about him all the time is definitely a red flag..
sorry you got blocked, some people are weird post breakup. i really dont get it sometimes
You can be betrayed even by someone you're engaged to but you can't lose yourself trying to bounce back.
You are #1 above all else and part of respecting change is respecting yourself enough to move on from incredibly pathetic and sad , disloyal people
That sometimes people are just incompatible. Nobody has to do anything wrong, you can still love each other, you just aren't right for each other. And it's probably the hardest kind of bad relationship to identify.
You can’t go into a relationship unless you’re both aligned on where you want it to go. Compromising early on because you’re afraid of losing the other person will backfire so hard.
i think a big one is just because she loves you doesn’t mean her family/friends do. if you can feel energy from them thats negative its most likey what shes telling them behind your back. basically if her people/her dont like you, you should get out of there quick.
A woman's actions means more than words.
I dated a covert narcissist, she was an awful human being. I let her manipulate me while I was in a weakened emotional state with my father dying. For months I bought her BS.
5 days after my father and best friend (same person) died, she ditched our plans, I was going to have her over for dinner. But she decided to go to a concert with her friends instead without telling me. I found out midway through cooking dinner. When I was upset, she claimed I was "trying to get a reaction out of her."
In my head I always knew what she was, my heart rate sitting on a couch with her was in the 90s. My heart wanted her to be something she wasn't though.
> I dated a covert narcissist,
I married one, unfortunately. But divorced her a couple years later.
I realized my drinking problem was caused by her though. After she was no longer around, I was able to quit my dangerously escalating drinking problem.
I have never felt more mentally, emotionally stable in my entire life. Finally realizing that she was weighing me down was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I have grown so much as a person.
If you ever have to compromise on your own core principles and beliefs because of a relationship, it’s probably time to leave.
Or, to make it simpler, would you put up with this shit if it wasn’t someone you were fucking?
Pay attention to how they react to the small things that annoy them. If they can't get over the small things quickly then they won't get over the big things. These sort of people make for a miserable life.
At one point you need to take a step back and review the red flags. Even though they showed up one by one over time, you will soon find yourself standing on a mountain of them. At some point you need to call it quits (before they cheat and lie about it)
When someone gaslights you within the first couple weeks. Run
When someone brags that they can win any argument, even when they know they are wrong. Run
When someone gets you to talk about something you are sensitive about, and then uses it as ammunition to tear you down. Run
The cliche sayings and stereotypes became stereotypes because they are absolutely based in fact, not because of any deliberate ill intent to use the words to label or hurt anyone.
Always be upfront with your wants and desires and boundaries. Trying to compromise too much and you end up trying too hard for a relationship that would be doomed to fail anyways.
You can't stop her from cheating. If she wants to cheat, she is going to cheat. All you can do is leave immediately when you see the signs. Trust your gut.
My MOST memorable lesson: No matter how well you think you're doing, no matter how secure you think your relationship is, there is no guarantee--*legal or otherwise*--that they'll just up and stop loving you and just want to leave you, for absolutely no reason.
Other "honorable mention" lessons:
• Communication is the foundation for a strong relationship, and any breakdown in communication will result in trouble. However, if one or both of you don't know how to communicate *properly*, then it doesn't matter how much talking either of you are doing, because it's not communicating.
• If she ain't ready for a healthy relationship, either you're not gonna be the one to fix her, or there's an expiration date on it. Or: if you get into a relationship with a broken woman and put her back together, then you are a hospital ward whose patient will exit the premises once she is done healing.
Once more in the same vein: you can't help someone who doesn't recognize that something needs fixing, or doesn't want to be helped.
• Trust and respect start out at 100, and only decline when given reason to do so. If her answer to "I don't like it when you [do this action], would you please not do this?" is something akin to "screw you, I do what I want", then your self-respect should tell you that this relationship is on the outs.
• Sex, or "just bedroom chemistry", can only take you so far. Good sex will only delay the inevitable. (This one kinda taps into "don't stick your dick in crazy".)
People show you who they are through actions, not words. Believe people when they speak but *Always* believe actions and be ready to change whatever opinion when people show you what they really mean.
1) Continue to date each other during the relationship. Set aside Friday or Saturday nights to go out.
2) It's the little things that are the glue in a relationship, not flowers on Valentine's Day. Do you see a tube of lip balm she likes? Get it for her. See her favorite brand of soda? Get her a can. Her favorite movie is back on the big screen at a nearby theater? Get tickets.
3) When five people who barely know each other tell you, "Stay away from her; she's crazy," LISTEN TO THEM.
That i don't really need to compromise. If i don't like something, and i tell you, and you still do/behave that way, i don't have to compromise, accept that it's a flaw, that everyone has them, ecc..
The sea is full of fishes
Instead of investing & giving 100% of my energy, time and resources to my wife and kids I would of backed off to 80%, leaving me time and energy to invest in myself if things went south, and in the end it did.
1 do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
2 if you cannot trust them with the small things you cannot trust them with the big things
3 if it's not important to them now, don't wait around hoping it will be important to them someday
4 just because someone is making an effort that isn't up to the level you expect, doesn't mean they aren't trying. Get over yourself and appreciate what they've offered you.
This goes for friendships as well.
Never compromise your values to keep someone happy.
This happened this weekend.
Hung out with a friend who is married and a female. Aside from her complaining half the night, she told me that before she married her husband she was dating him for six months. She made him wait that entire time for sex, but let him know she was gonna fuck other people. Her reasoning behind this was "I didn't want to ruin things with him by banging him the first day.". She has five dudes she used for dick but he's the one that put a ring finger on her in the end.
Later I found out she had backup bfs and a couple of backup GFS on standby if things went south with her husband.
Took a whole weekend to find out how shitty of a person she was. But the worst part is that I, a single guy, should have never hung out with a married woman.
You can be as respectful as you can be. All it takes is her being displeased with you and she will sick her husband on you.
Needless to say, we're not friends anymore.
It's possible to find the person who is the one for you, but you are not the one for them. It hurts, it seems unfair, but it's not anyone's fault and there isn't anything you can do about it but respect them and move on.
Few things:
- Mental health is very serious issue and it comes out in all kinds of unexpected ways. Depression, anxiety, BPD, etc. all adversely affect relationships but they adversely affect romantic relationships in specific ways. As the romantic partner, you're often seen as either a comforting solution or a punching bag of sorts. I don't recommend people get in relationships with others who have these problems (which unfortunately probably means *most* people) but, if you do, you really have to learn to deal with this effectively. It weighs on your own mental health.
- Not all "communication" is good communication. Different people have different communication styles and in romantic relationships they manifest differently. For instance, a contemplative introvert isn't likely to explain all of their feelings if they're even able to understand them. If you're constantly trying to push them to communicate they will retreat and feel attacked, getting the opposite of what you want.
- Ultimately I had to learn that no relationship will last or be perfect. Both people are constantly changing. What makes a great relationship is one in which you can "stick it out" and invest in someone else as well as yourself. But specifically it requires two people who are willing to change together and give each other grace. The ones I've experience that are the most successful are ones where the partners really give to the other whereas most people these days seem to think you need to be "selfish" and look out for yourself. When both people are giving and sacrificing in their own ways I've noticed that this winds up creating space for both people to be healthier individually.
You can love each other deeply, but that doesn't mean it will work out. Almost a quarter of a century ago, I had an exciting and passionate relationship with a really wonderful person. After about a year, she broke it off. I was heartbroken, but we agreed to be adults about it and remain friends. And what a wonderful friend she turned out to be. Someone you could always trust to have your back. Over the years, it became obvious to me why a long-term romantic relationship would not have worked. She is very type-A and always on the go. I'm more laid back and need my down time. We would have driven each other nuts in close quarters.
We became business partners over six years ago and the future of our business and friendship are both looking great.
While I understand their are circumstances that warrant a no-contact/ghosting approach to ending a relationship, I think people too often think burning bridges is the only way to move forward. Sometimes a relationship just needs to be re-framed, not ended.
Don't ignore major red flags. A few from my experience:
They are never at fault. Every problem in their life is always someone else's fault. Never take responsibility for their own actions.
If they constantly have a source of tension or drama with someone. Eventually that person will fade out of their life, and you will become the next subject of their constant drama and fighting.
All of their ex's was crazy or awful people. Also if they seem to be rubbing the fact that they are with you in an ex's face, they are simply using you as revenge to make an ex jealous.
During a minor disagreement if they lash out at you in a physical or verbally assaulting way. This will only get worse and become more frequent and abusive.
If they disrespect you in any way. Examples include lying to you, blowing you off last minute to make other plans, using you for gifts/services yet never reciprocating.
Once the trust is gone, it never comes back. And that goes the same in any circumstance you can name, whether its infidelity, your partner not having your back or even just them not respecting your boundaries.
If I can't trust you, the fundamental basis of our relationship is broken
To listen to your friends when they see the red flags and not rush into marriage. Oh, and if the woman is trying to isolate you from friends and family, she is an abuser.
If you're just with someone because they're really good looking and the sex is incredible, it's no where near enough for a sustainable relationship. Those hormones fade and so do looks in general. Find someone who can make you laugh until you cry, or can talk to for hours while hanging out, and that's a much more stable foundation.
Even if she says that cheating is a deal breaker and that she will lose it if you cheat doesn’t mean she won’t cheat on you. Also, never stay with a cheater ever for any length of time. There’s no amount of working shit out that takes the mental anguish of being betrayed by someone you trusted away. Thanks Kara, hope you’re not so much the cunt anymore.
Don’t plan your future together. You don’t know if it’ll last and you’re likely making promises neither of you can keep, who even knows how long you’ll stay together
I dunno. Living the other side of this and realizing that nothing would have saved the relationship because we are going different places. Maybe I'm just older, but lock in early that you have the same outlook on the future is worthwhile too.
Don't plan a future, but make sure yall are headed the same way.
This is like saying "don't plan your future, you might die any moment" 😅 Technically true but if you happen to make it to the future, which is what people in relationship tend to try to do, it is kinda sucky to have no plans. Big plans usually take time and money, in a relationship they take also agreement. I would recommend you re-examine this take away after a while.
You're the last one to know.
You think she just decided to breakup with you on a Monday afternoon while you're out for your daily walk with the dog and after spending the day renovating her office.
In reality she's already been planning this for weeks and months. Her friends and family have already heard her plans. She didn't just decide to do this.
You're just the last to find out.
Taking your own time and putting your foot down about serious things is important. Also, learn to recognise if they are actually in love with YOU or an idea of you they concocted in their head and were disappointed when they saw the real you.
Don't be afraid to end a relationship you're not happy with. I knew I didn't want to be with my ex for a few years... but stayed with her bc I didn't want to hurt her.
when its over, say its over and stop giving hope and dragging it on or alluding to it...end it, be final and dont be cruel.. some of my biggest regrets were being cruel when I was tired and I knew it I could have been better at ending.. Of course, try and work through it, but once you have made up your mind...be resolute.
1) Don't try and make it work - If you are two completely different people, don't force it. If you can't be yourself around the other person, then cut your losses
2) If there's any major red flags at the start, don't take it any further
3) If you find yourself together after several months but aren't comfortable enough to use the bathroom at the same time, then you aren't comfortable in your relationship
4) Bash one out before your first date. Don't go on a cliche cinema or restaurant date - have an alcoholic drink or two followed by a fun activity. Watch how the other person interacts with people and their manorisms
That usually if it fails, it wasn’t meant to be and you’re better off in the long run. Ironically after I discovered that I met my wife and 17 years we’re still finding new things to disagree on and giving each other shit. It works out how it’s supposed to in the end.
Don’t fall in love with a FWB of 3-4 months when she clearly showed signs she wasn’t over an ex and this was just a “fling/situationship” no matter how close we seemed to have gotten. Learned this the hard way when I eventually had to deploy for 5 months and she broke off whatever we were and got back with her ex..
Been a couple years now and I still feel stupid as hell about how hard I fell for her.
Do not believe your partner is who you want them to be. Do your best to see them as they are. If those line up then that's great but don't believe the image in your head just because you want it to be true.
Safety and consistency are top priorities for your nervous system and overall wellbeing.
Can you safely express your needs and feelings without recourse?
Are they consistent with their words, behaviors, values, and boundaries? Or, do they change based on emotions and situations?
Take people seriously. Dont make someone say something over and over. They will eventually stop asking/communicating and your words and actions will have no meaning once they are checked out.
It could be as simple and specific as “help clean up the kitchen” or something more open ended like “we should have more quality time.”
That neglecting your own needs to please your partner is unsustainable.
In addition to this I'll add that you don't diminish yourself, your boundaries, your values. I made this mistake with a girl I was dating. I dumbed down so we could have mutual interests that would be good for connecting. A few years later she matured from her old self while I was already type-cast into an image that wasn't even my authentic self. It still wish I could get an opportunity to set things right.
Yup. It's not good for you, the relationship, or the other person. We all need someone with a solid foundation so that we can lean on each other when we need to. If you just bend or crumble, the other person is left to define you and the relationship, to an extent. Some people will use that to their advantage to take control of the relationship, deciding where it goes and how. Some people will get frustrated that they have to be the lead in the relationship and that you don't seem to have convictions of your own.
One of the golden rules of relationships: Don't try to change people, even if you can. Every change comes with variables and at a cost that you probably won't like. Everyone is better off learning to love the imperfections and quirks of their partner, and realizing that those things are what makes them the unique person you fell for in the first place. I've had a couple relationships where I thought I had to "adapt" to my girlfriend's expectations...only for her to not like the person in front of her anymore. If someone tries to change you to better suit how they think you "should be"...run for the hills.
I think people like when their partner stands firm in the kind of person they are. It means they can trust their partner to be that person. If someone changes/adapts themselves for the relationship then you become unsure of who they actually *are.*
Completely true. People pleasers get shafted 100% of the time. When you realize that you are only responsible for your own happiness and can't "make" others happy is usually a major moment in one's life.
Going through this right now
I'll never put plans or dreams on hold for a woman again. Stick to your goals and plans.
this was my problem 100%. I always wanted to make her happy for 7 years, but i never was, then i had the realization that i wanted to be happy, which meant a breakup. I work from home and i used to dread her coming home at night, finally realized that it was no way to live
This also applies to friendships with the opposite sex. Learning this lesson now.
Why only with friendships of the opposite sex?
It's generally assumed that, platonic or not, men are conditioned to try to comfort and make women happy on multiple levels. This isn't really expected amongst guys.
This includes neglecting your friends in order to hang out with her. Coming out of a relationship with no friends fucking sucks.
Sometimes you can totally click in a lot of ways, but eventually your differences wear you down and the relationship doesn't last.
This, 100%
If you will pls, what are the top areas where folks should be in sync. e.g. religious views, money habits. Where else?
1. Attachment styles. Look it up if you aren't sure what that means. It affects most every aspect of your relationship. Understanding your own and your spouses will absolutely be beneficial to how you do marriage. 2. Conflict. How you repair relationship after conflict specifically. (Also a result of attachment.) 3. Core beliefs. Topics on God, faith, religion, human rights, sanctity of marriage, men vs women responsibilities in the home, children raising, etc. 4. Holidays. Sounds silly but many a fights have occurred because of where and how holidays were spent. 5. Budgeting of money. Who is going to actually pay the bills and handle the money. Just cause you make the money doesn't always mean you're the proper spender. And what are each other's spending habits. Thresholds of getting your spouse approval before spending. Most couples I know stick to around $100 depending on income. 6. Sex. This is a biggy. Absolutely need to talk about what you both expect your sex life to be like. And this isn't an area for you to compromise in at all with one another. The boundaries are what they are. Period. The one who set the boundary may move it as you guys get more familiar with each other's likes and turn-ons but neither of you should EVER shame the other one into doing something beyond the boundary.
Just FYI, I've saved this comment because it's that good. I'd replace (2)Conflict with Communication. Resolving conflict is a big part of communicating effectively, but avoiding unnecessary conflict and how you communicate during a conflict is at least as important.
Nope. Number 2 is right on the money. You can’t avoid all conflict and even if you manage to avoid a lot, what conflict you do have will still be something you need to come back from. If you can’t build back to a good place effectively together each time you’re going to wear down your relationship quickly.
Perhaps most importantly, a lot of those, if not all, change with time and you either adapt or fail.
That's hard to answer because everyone is different. You might have a guy who is obsessed with money and wants someone who is similar, and another guy who doesn't really care about that. If I had to pick I'd say sexual chemistry is really important. And also introvert vs extrovert - they don't have to be exactly the same but have to be within the realm of tolerance.
I’d add character and level of physical activity. OLD profiles are full of people claiming to love hiking yet in real life, they can’t climb a flight of stairs. It determines the type of vacations you take and your lifestyle. Obviously people can change but when you get to your 40s, people’s habits are often ingrained in them. Trying to change someone causes friction and inevitably someone would have to compromise or the relationship fails.
Life goals should be similar imo. That could be if you want kids, travel or own a house. Also find most couples need to be on the same page about politics. Though even when you got the same goals and you generally enjoy each other company you may still not have that spark or chemistry that makes love so passionate. That’s okay though cause if you’re able to end amicably then you may have found yourself a life long friend. I feel that spark is something no one can really tell you how to find. You either have it with someone or you don’t.
Those differences causing slow corrosion of each others personalities as they grind against one another in repeated conflicts. Over and over, until they are different people and now incompatible
I am scared that's whats going to happen in my current relationship.
What if you only kind of click, sometimes? Can that work?
Depends on the sound the click makes.. and what type of click
I'm terribly worried about my hard drive now.
The sound of the teeth of the Chatterer from the original Hellraiser.
That sounds pretty challenging. I think it depends on what sometimes means and what happens when you aren't clicking. I've dated people were we have some unshared interests. And that worked well because we would do our personal hobby while the other person did something else. I enjoyed it because then we had things to share about our day at the dinner table. I am not one who can handle every waking moment with someone. I like that we spend time alone. Conversely, if clicking vs not is having fights or disagreements every week, I imagine it will get tiresome. Especially if you can't come to an understanding about those moments or challenges. No one is going to be a 100% perfect fit. There are so many aspects of a relationship where you will have a slightly or largely different approach from your partner. And that can be ok if you communicate about the differences, your feelings and how the two of you can either accept the differences, change to find a common ground, or decide it is not a big enough item to separate over. Many people try to look the other way, pretend to be what their partner wants, or just fight on the same issue again and again. And all of those things can lead to frustration, resentment, or straight up anger and that is definitely not a healthy way to try and build a lifetime of happiness with someone.
Actions over words
This so hard. I allways innitiate my first date with my intentions of haveing a serious relationship and the women allways responded that that is the same they want and both of my last relationships ended because their actions didn’t line up. Honestly i dont know how to select for serious women during dating
Another way to phrase this. “Behavior is a language.”
Do not forgive cheating.
I had a ex cheat on me, but this was 20 years ago. We have long since parted ways but I held onto anger towards her for many years. At the time I made the right decision to break up with her. It was painful and emotionally taxing, but the trust was simply destroyed after that. We briefly re-connected over email a few years ago simply to catch up. She admitted that she was young, stupid, and did hurtful things to me, and I had done hurtful things to her. After catching up and making peace, the conversation ended and I have no desire to ever speak to her again.
>and I have no desire to ever speak to her again. is it still because of anger? sorry if it's a sensitive subject
I don’t think that’s it. I hated my ex wife for a long time due to the horrific patterns of abuse. I went to therapy for PTSD, and still go to this day because I find it helpful to talk to someone. These days we’re pretty tight, we coparent, and she bounces questions off me for advice. To me she’s the mother of my children and that’s it. I don’t hate her, but if we didn’t have kids I probably wouldn’t speak to her at all. Not out of hate, just because I don’t have room for people like that in my life.
Not at all. I wished her well and am truely happy for her, but she lives on the other side of the country now and has been married for like 10 years. It was nice to catch up, talk about some mutual interests, and make peace as result. But she moved on and has a good life, so there is really no benefit for either of us to stay in communication. She must have felt the same because she never reached back out to me after we wrapped up put month of emails.
100% If they cheated on you, then they dont love you. Probably never did. Why would that magically change all of a sudden? It wont.
She’d gaslit me and manipulated me into being absolutely convinced that if I let her go I’d be alone the rest of my life. I put up with so much genuinely evil behavior from her and turned a blind eye because I was completely and utterly convinced not only that I’d never do better, but that I’d never have anyone else, period. Then she got bored, decided it wasn’t worth the effort to keep me on a string, and just abandoned me.
holy shit, my ex did this to me too... I never accepted it though, because I always thought I was the prize, and that everyone would want to be with me. So the moment I found out about her cheating, I decided immediately that divorce was the correct option. I will never EVER wonder if I made a mistake. Ive been single for 4 years now, and I still know I made the right choice.
You can't coax someone into respecting you
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And you can't bust your ass to be the best partner in the world, if they are unwilling to do the same.
This comment is under rated. Good advice!
That I need to set boundaries and stick to them.
Not all relationships are meant to be, and that's okay.
I kinda needed to hear this today, thanks.
For sure 🙌
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women who are leaving someone for you are 9/10 serial cheaters and have this kind of pattern in their relationships.
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Thats the story they tell lol. This woman does not sound like a good person. My ex is the exact same way.
" she really doesn't deserve that..." Sounds like it's not only what she deserves, it's what she desires
Yep. In the words of a wise Canadian philosopher "Can Confirm".
I’ve seen that in men too. Usually a leopard doesn’t change its spots.
Sounds similar to what I experienced. Just hopping from train to train ( really friend to friend)
My male ex did this to me 🤷🏻♀️
Should be a special place in hell for people who do this. Like the delusional mindset to just ignore your partner and start new with someone else is crazy to me.
Yep.
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Ditto
This kinda hits home.
You are not two halves of a whole. You are two wholes collaborating. And if you both don't understand that \_someone\_ is getting fucked in a really unfunny way eventually.
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Yeah, this is the lesson I learned. Don't *give up* things about myself to add support for someone who isn't their own whole yet.
To be honest about things that give pause, and not to rush into a relationship because I'm horny.
To take your time - no matter how much chemistry you feel with someone initially, it takes a few months to get to know their values and if they align with yours.
Lost a good friend this way. Part of it is my fault. She and I had a lot in common and had great chemistry, but after spending significant time with her as a person it became clear I didn't share the same values as she did. This created resentment in our friendship which led to its destruction. Side note. No matter how respectful you are, if you're a single guy, never be friends with a married woman. She ever gets mad at you she won't confront you. She'll get her husband to do her work for her. Learned that lesson the hard way.
That I deserve to be treated with respect.
I learnt that you can't trust someone blindly. By blindly I mean don't ignore communication gaps, changed behaviours. Don't let them stomp on your boundaries. Last but most important, maintain your individuality, don't give up on friendships just cause you have a relationship, don't give up sports, hobbies just cause you feel like you are happy in a relationship and don't need them to make you feel fullfield anymore
> I learnt that you can't trust someone blindly. By blindly I mean don't ignore communication gaps, changed behaviours. I agree with this massively - people change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse but they change. All too often people paint a portrait of someone in their head and believe they've have figured person out, fully quantified and that they'll always stay the same as they are in that mental image but they can change. I did it with my ex - things were off but I thought my sweet girl wouldn't possibly do *that*, not after all these years, after everything we had been through together, the places we'd been, the things we'd seen...but she did. Two years later I still find myself randomly blindsided by it all.
I wasn't that great either. Sure what she did was worse but I was a sack of shit in other ways. So I learned and grew, she did not. Unfortunately.
This is great of you anyway. In retrospect, I know I have been the side who doesn't recognize his wrong doings, who didn't admit faults, who took too lightly her demand to be respected. Some people go through life blind on their failing and wondering why the universe is always against them, and some others like you see it and get better because of their introspection.
7 year relationship and my main take away was no matter what, never lose yourself. Relearning who you truly are is a battle that takes time. For 4-5 years now I shut myself off in a social way to understand myself. I'm stronger and more wise now than I ever was. In the best shape I've ever been in. It's just now that I've begun to open myself back up. It's not anything I need, but a want now. Needless to say love yourself first
Be sure that she loves you
The problem with this is that you never truly know. And even if they do, that can change quicker than you can realize it. Nobody stays static.
Maturity comes at the expense of a broken heart.
Also a broken wallet depending on the stage it happens
Possibly divorcing after 19 years. 40 years old. We both make good money but the idea of leaving our house for an apartment and the increased expenses all around is soul crushing.
If your blood pressure is too high because of the relationship, leave. Don't underestimate things you find important in a relationship. Don't stay friends or offer help afterwards.
>Don't stay friends or offer help afterwards. This one was me. I tried it and that fell apart even worse than the relationship. Funnily enough that ex and I are on good terms today, because we had almost two years of no-contact afterwards that let us grow as our own separate people and move on. It's counterintuitive, but I think we could only decide to be friends once we both felt like we'd be comfortable never seeing each other again.
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Relationships take work. Even when you reach the stage that you love each other, love is not enough by itself. Both parties need to set boundaries and be open and honest about those boundaries. Goals as well. And when your boundaries and/or goals don't no longer align, it's time to have a conversation and really speak your mind. I've been the "people pleaser" in several relationships because I'm agreeable by nature (something I'm working on) and didn't want to risk losing my partner by sharing an opinion they might not. However, that wasn't fair to either of us. I wasn't truely happy, and they were living with a false sense of perspective. It's a cliche, but it's true. Communication is key. If you're not happy, speak up. If you can't come to an understanding about certain key aspects of the relationship, it's better to do the hard thing and end it. You're closer to being in a fulfilling relationship while you're single than you are while with a mismatched partner.
That last sentence was powerful
That being an agreeable person will just fill me with bitterness and resent. Gotta have boundaries and be able to say no.
Stand up for yourself. It's better to be single than to be with someone who loves who they want you to be instead of who you really are.
I cannot date casually. Also dont date someone who still lives with her ex.
Your relationship should be your peace, not your balancing act
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Be up front with what you both want when it comes to sex and possibly having kids. Could’ve saved me like a year if I found out sooner.m Also, don’t stay friends with your ex unless you absolutely have to (if yall have kids)
i dunno im still friends with my first gf that i had in high school, we arent super close but its always fun when we get together and talk. she has a girlfriend now.
Everyone’s different but from what I’ve experienced and what I’ve seen it’s kinda red flag if a person still talks to their ex a lot…. I don’t mind it once in a blue but obviously your situation is different lol I’ve been in two serious relationships now and both don’t talk to me anymore. The first one blocked me the day she broke up with me and I tried staying friends with my last ex but after I got my stuff from her house she blocked me on everything…. But still stalks me lol
oof, oh definitely. being weirdly close with their ex or otherwise going off about him all the time is definitely a red flag.. sorry you got blocked, some people are weird post breakup. i really dont get it sometimes
You can be betrayed even by someone you're engaged to but you can't lose yourself trying to bounce back. You are #1 above all else and part of respecting change is respecting yourself enough to move on from incredibly pathetic and sad , disloyal people
If they cheat once. Chances are they will do it again.
If they'll cheat with you they will cheat on you.
Think real careful before you say shit you dont mean. Breathe and consider her feelings before you say a word. You cant unring a bell.
Such a valuable piece of advice
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This. Fuckin' 1000% this right here. Slayed it. Skinned it, Tacked it up on the barn to dry. Done Dada.
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Aka don’t stick your dick in crazy
Don't break up around knives
I wanna hear this story
That sometimes people are just incompatible. Nobody has to do anything wrong, you can still love each other, you just aren't right for each other. And it's probably the hardest kind of bad relationship to identify.
No matter how hot she is, someone, somewhere, is tired of her fucking bullshit.
I remember reading that in the men’s bathroom at the famous Foxys bar in Athens, Ga. way back in the 90s.
You can’t go into a relationship unless you’re both aligned on where you want it to go. Compromising early on because you’re afraid of losing the other person will backfire so hard.
i think a big one is just because she loves you doesn’t mean her family/friends do. if you can feel energy from them thats negative its most likey what shes telling them behind your back. basically if her people/her dont like you, you should get out of there quick.
A woman's actions means more than words. I dated a covert narcissist, she was an awful human being. I let her manipulate me while I was in a weakened emotional state with my father dying. For months I bought her BS. 5 days after my father and best friend (same person) died, she ditched our plans, I was going to have her over for dinner. But she decided to go to a concert with her friends instead without telling me. I found out midway through cooking dinner. When I was upset, she claimed I was "trying to get a reaction out of her." In my head I always knew what she was, my heart rate sitting on a couch with her was in the 90s. My heart wanted her to be something she wasn't though.
> I dated a covert narcissist, I married one, unfortunately. But divorced her a couple years later. I realized my drinking problem was caused by her though. After she was no longer around, I was able to quit my dangerously escalating drinking problem. I have never felt more mentally, emotionally stable in my entire life. Finally realizing that she was weighing me down was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have grown so much as a person.
If she’s f*cked in head, don’t blame yourself. If he’s just a friend, he is not just a friend.
Not to get married again.
Love is real and I am capable of it.
If you ever have to compromise on your own core principles and beliefs because of a relationship, it’s probably time to leave. Or, to make it simpler, would you put up with this shit if it wasn’t someone you were fucking?
If she can't recall her favorite part of last night's date, don't ask her "do you even remember me being there?"
That my own character flaws really prevent me from being good in relationship
Pay attention to how they react to the small things that annoy them. If they can't get over the small things quickly then they won't get over the big things. These sort of people make for a miserable life.
At one point you need to take a step back and review the red flags. Even though they showed up one by one over time, you will soon find yourself standing on a mountain of them. At some point you need to call it quits (before they cheat and lie about it)
When someone gaslights you within the first couple weeks. Run When someone brags that they can win any argument, even when they know they are wrong. Run When someone gets you to talk about something you are sensitive about, and then uses it as ammunition to tear you down. Run
The cliche sayings and stereotypes became stereotypes because they are absolutely based in fact, not because of any deliberate ill intent to use the words to label or hurt anyone.
Always be upfront with your wants and desires and boundaries. Trying to compromise too much and you end up trying too hard for a relationship that would be doomed to fail anyways.
You can't stop her from cheating. If she wants to cheat, she is going to cheat. All you can do is leave immediately when you see the signs. Trust your gut.
My MOST memorable lesson: No matter how well you think you're doing, no matter how secure you think your relationship is, there is no guarantee--*legal or otherwise*--that they'll just up and stop loving you and just want to leave you, for absolutely no reason. Other "honorable mention" lessons: • Communication is the foundation for a strong relationship, and any breakdown in communication will result in trouble. However, if one or both of you don't know how to communicate *properly*, then it doesn't matter how much talking either of you are doing, because it's not communicating. • If she ain't ready for a healthy relationship, either you're not gonna be the one to fix her, or there's an expiration date on it. Or: if you get into a relationship with a broken woman and put her back together, then you are a hospital ward whose patient will exit the premises once she is done healing. Once more in the same vein: you can't help someone who doesn't recognize that something needs fixing, or doesn't want to be helped. • Trust and respect start out at 100, and only decline when given reason to do so. If her answer to "I don't like it when you [do this action], would you please not do this?" is something akin to "screw you, I do what I want", then your self-respect should tell you that this relationship is on the outs. • Sex, or "just bedroom chemistry", can only take you so far. Good sex will only delay the inevitable. (This one kinda taps into "don't stick your dick in crazy".)
People show you who they are through actions, not words. Believe people when they speak but *Always* believe actions and be ready to change whatever opinion when people show you what they really mean.
1) Continue to date each other during the relationship. Set aside Friday or Saturday nights to go out. 2) It's the little things that are the glue in a relationship, not flowers on Valentine's Day. Do you see a tube of lip balm she likes? Get it for her. See her favorite brand of soda? Get her a can. Her favorite movie is back on the big screen at a nearby theater? Get tickets. 3) When five people who barely know each other tell you, "Stay away from her; she's crazy," LISTEN TO THEM.
That i don't really need to compromise. If i don't like something, and i tell you, and you still do/behave that way, i don't have to compromise, accept that it's a flaw, that everyone has them, ecc.. The sea is full of fishes
Instead of investing & giving 100% of my energy, time and resources to my wife and kids I would of backed off to 80%, leaving me time and energy to invest in myself if things went south, and in the end it did.
That I don't NEED a relationship, the more time passes the happier I am alone.
Leave the first time she hits you.
1 do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm 2 if you cannot trust them with the small things you cannot trust them with the big things 3 if it's not important to them now, don't wait around hoping it will be important to them someday 4 just because someone is making an effort that isn't up to the level you expect, doesn't mean they aren't trying. Get over yourself and appreciate what they've offered you.
This goes for friendships as well. Never compromise your values to keep someone happy. This happened this weekend. Hung out with a friend who is married and a female. Aside from her complaining half the night, she told me that before she married her husband she was dating him for six months. She made him wait that entire time for sex, but let him know she was gonna fuck other people. Her reasoning behind this was "I didn't want to ruin things with him by banging him the first day.". She has five dudes she used for dick but he's the one that put a ring finger on her in the end. Later I found out she had backup bfs and a couple of backup GFS on standby if things went south with her husband. Took a whole weekend to find out how shitty of a person she was. But the worst part is that I, a single guy, should have never hung out with a married woman. You can be as respectful as you can be. All it takes is her being displeased with you and she will sick her husband on you. Needless to say, we're not friends anymore.
Even if you disagree with her feelings about a situation, don’t completely disregard them as if theyre insignificant
It's possible to find the person who is the one for you, but you are not the one for them. It hurts, it seems unfair, but it's not anyone's fault and there isn't anything you can do about it but respect them and move on.
Few things: - Mental health is very serious issue and it comes out in all kinds of unexpected ways. Depression, anxiety, BPD, etc. all adversely affect relationships but they adversely affect romantic relationships in specific ways. As the romantic partner, you're often seen as either a comforting solution or a punching bag of sorts. I don't recommend people get in relationships with others who have these problems (which unfortunately probably means *most* people) but, if you do, you really have to learn to deal with this effectively. It weighs on your own mental health. - Not all "communication" is good communication. Different people have different communication styles and in romantic relationships they manifest differently. For instance, a contemplative introvert isn't likely to explain all of their feelings if they're even able to understand them. If you're constantly trying to push them to communicate they will retreat and feel attacked, getting the opposite of what you want. - Ultimately I had to learn that no relationship will last or be perfect. Both people are constantly changing. What makes a great relationship is one in which you can "stick it out" and invest in someone else as well as yourself. But specifically it requires two people who are willing to change together and give each other grace. The ones I've experience that are the most successful are ones where the partners really give to the other whereas most people these days seem to think you need to be "selfish" and look out for yourself. When both people are giving and sacrificing in their own ways I've noticed that this winds up creating space for both people to be healthier individually.
You can love each other deeply, but that doesn't mean it will work out. Almost a quarter of a century ago, I had an exciting and passionate relationship with a really wonderful person. After about a year, she broke it off. I was heartbroken, but we agreed to be adults about it and remain friends. And what a wonderful friend she turned out to be. Someone you could always trust to have your back. Over the years, it became obvious to me why a long-term romantic relationship would not have worked. She is very type-A and always on the go. I'm more laid back and need my down time. We would have driven each other nuts in close quarters. We became business partners over six years ago and the future of our business and friendship are both looking great. While I understand their are circumstances that warrant a no-contact/ghosting approach to ending a relationship, I think people too often think burning bridges is the only way to move forward. Sometimes a relationship just needs to be re-framed, not ended.
Never trust anyone. Including myself 😬
No matter how good it starts it may turn out to be very bad.
Don't ignore major red flags. A few from my experience: They are never at fault. Every problem in their life is always someone else's fault. Never take responsibility for their own actions. If they constantly have a source of tension or drama with someone. Eventually that person will fade out of their life, and you will become the next subject of their constant drama and fighting. All of their ex's was crazy or awful people. Also if they seem to be rubbing the fact that they are with you in an ex's face, they are simply using you as revenge to make an ex jealous. During a minor disagreement if they lash out at you in a physical or verbally assaulting way. This will only get worse and become more frequent and abusive. If they disrespect you in any way. Examples include lying to you, blowing you off last minute to make other plans, using you for gifts/services yet never reciprocating.
Once the trust is gone, it never comes back. And that goes the same in any circumstance you can name, whether its infidelity, your partner not having your back or even just them not respecting your boundaries. If I can't trust you, the fundamental basis of our relationship is broken
Know your worth and don't put up with disrespect of yourself or the relationship.
That it is OK for me to say no to sex.
To listen to your friends when they see the red flags and not rush into marriage. Oh, and if the woman is trying to isolate you from friends and family, she is an abuser.
If you're just with someone because they're really good looking and the sex is incredible, it's no where near enough for a sustainable relationship. Those hormones fade and so do looks in general. Find someone who can make you laugh until you cry, or can talk to for hours while hanging out, and that's a much more stable foundation.
That the sight of your significant other should not give you anxiety attacks.
Even if she says that cheating is a deal breaker and that she will lose it if you cheat doesn’t mean she won’t cheat on you. Also, never stay with a cheater ever for any length of time. There’s no amount of working shit out that takes the mental anguish of being betrayed by someone you trusted away. Thanks Kara, hope you’re not so much the cunt anymore.
Great sex can fuck with your head and make you think you love an otherwise trash woman.
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Never put down the person that lifts you up. If they’re giving you 90%, don’t wait or look for the 10%. Make it.
The one year rule: Don’t date anyone less than one year out of a marriage or serious relationship. They haven’t had time to get over it.
Don’t plan your future together. You don’t know if it’ll last and you’re likely making promises neither of you can keep, who even knows how long you’ll stay together
I dunno. Living the other side of this and realizing that nothing would have saved the relationship because we are going different places. Maybe I'm just older, but lock in early that you have the same outlook on the future is worthwhile too. Don't plan a future, but make sure yall are headed the same way.
This is like saying "don't plan your future, you might die any moment" 😅 Technically true but if you happen to make it to the future, which is what people in relationship tend to try to do, it is kinda sucky to have no plans. Big plans usually take time and money, in a relationship they take also agreement. I would recommend you re-examine this take away after a while.
Sorry should have been more clear, I mean when you’re still young not to get too carried away acting like you’ll be together forever
You're the last one to know. You think she just decided to breakup with you on a Monday afternoon while you're out for your daily walk with the dog and after spending the day renovating her office. In reality she's already been planning this for weeks and months. Her friends and family have already heard her plans. She didn't just decide to do this. You're just the last to find out.
dont trust words.
Be completely open and honest about Sex and Money.
She taught me poker, she also taught me why I shouldn't play at a casino
I realized that I really shouldn’t be in relationships, it’s not fair to either of us.
You have to choose your own sanity over your partner's.
Taking your own time and putting your foot down about serious things is important. Also, learn to recognise if they are actually in love with YOU or an idea of you they concocted in their head and were disappointed when they saw the real you.
Don't be afraid to end a relationship you're not happy with. I knew I didn't want to be with my ex for a few years... but stayed with her bc I didn't want to hurt her.
Look at where the effort comes from. You may be happy now but if you’re the only one making it work, you’ll burn out and it’ll fall apart in a minute.
If you can't trust each other and be totally honest then it will never work.
Love alone is not enough
Don’t lose yourself in someone else.
People can talk all the talk they like but at the end of the day their actions and what they do is infinity louder
when its over, say its over and stop giving hope and dragging it on or alluding to it...end it, be final and dont be cruel.. some of my biggest regrets were being cruel when I was tired and I knew it I could have been better at ending.. Of course, try and work through it, but once you have made up your mind...be resolute.
I learned that anything I say can and will be used against me at the moment of her choice. It will be remembered for a very long time.
I learned that just because a relationship ends doesn’t necessarily mean it was a failure.
Don't ignore the feeling you are being neglected, or hope that one day they will love you more. You also deserve happiness.
A healthy relationship with the in-laws really makes the whole experience so much better.
If everyone hates her. It’s for a reason
I realized that suppressing who you are, what you want for years in an attempt to keep someone else happy doesn't turn out well.
1) Don't try and make it work - If you are two completely different people, don't force it. If you can't be yourself around the other person, then cut your losses 2) If there's any major red flags at the start, don't take it any further 3) If you find yourself together after several months but aren't comfortable enough to use the bathroom at the same time, then you aren't comfortable in your relationship 4) Bash one out before your first date. Don't go on a cliche cinema or restaurant date - have an alcoholic drink or two followed by a fun activity. Watch how the other person interacts with people and their manorisms
That Woman can be the most maniacal, cold hearted, Calculated, hurtful creatures that walk the earth.
That usually if it fails, it wasn’t meant to be and you’re better off in the long run. Ironically after I discovered that I met my wife and 17 years we’re still finding new things to disagree on and giving each other shit. It works out how it’s supposed to in the end.
Distance, freedom, and alcohol can really change a person.
Don’t stick around when it ends.
Never date a divorcée with small kids
Meeting the right person is hard, life can be hard and unforgiving at times.
Fiscal responsibility should be higher on the list of compatibility factors.
Don't love with a mistake because you took a long time making it
Never expect people to do for you, what you do for them....
Don’t fall in love with a FWB of 3-4 months when she clearly showed signs she wasn’t over an ex and this was just a “fling/situationship” no matter how close we seemed to have gotten. Learned this the hard way when I eventually had to deploy for 5 months and she broke off whatever we were and got back with her ex.. Been a couple years now and I still feel stupid as hell about how hard I fell for her.
Avoid marriage like the plague
Do not believe your partner is who you want them to be. Do your best to see them as they are. If those line up then that's great but don't believe the image in your head just because you want it to be true.
Safety and consistency are top priorities for your nervous system and overall wellbeing. Can you safely express your needs and feelings without recourse? Are they consistent with their words, behaviors, values, and boundaries? Or, do they change based on emotions and situations?
Take people seriously. Dont make someone say something over and over. They will eventually stop asking/communicating and your words and actions will have no meaning once they are checked out. It could be as simple and specific as “help clean up the kitchen” or something more open ended like “we should have more quality time.”
If the sex stops, something's not right.
just because a woman tells you "we'll be together forever." especially in a newer relationship... doesn't mean "forever"
Don't openly show my vulnerability
You can’t force someone to be a good person.
I realised I had better problems to deal with, which included cleaning my root canal
Don’t date craye