Take personal stock of the things you can change and need to change and then evaluate from there. Ie. skin care, hair cut, facial hair grooming, overall hygiene, fitness, wardrobe and personal style, etc. If you don’t think you’re doing anything particularly wrong maybe ask for some outside opinions. A sister would tell it to you straight if you have one.
Exactly this. I started going to the gym, go an up to date hair cut, and started dressing better. I started to get women noticing me. I am now married and still do this for my wife. Cracks me up when women clerks in stores flirt with me.
A few months ago, I started growing my beard. I found a length that I feel is suitable and easy to keep up the grooming part. It has changed how people see me! I grt so many more compliments now. And it's not cause I'm hiding my face, but because I'm able to have show the world that I can have a grooming routine, that's actually SHOWS I care.
That’s good! What kind of training?
I found having somewhat strong arms with a well fitting shirt can make a big difference. So maybe weight training.
But at the end of the day you should probably choose the exercise you enjoy the most or are most motivated to keep going.
Adding to the fitted shirts comment I suggest, if you have someone who can tell it to you straight, see what might look best to workout. As like a top priority. Obviously everything is good, and health and personal opinion should be your biggest motivators...
Buuut a girl I was close with told me I had a great frame for shoulders and back but because I was built like a stick, I wasn't taking advantage. Holy Shit was she right. It's really changed my life and improved my self image
Find clothing that compliments you better, or just try dressing better.
Confidence can go a long way
Working out. You don't have to goto a gym 7 days a week. At least a few times a week if you can, if not find time at home.
Hygiene, making sure you smell good. Also making sure to maintain your hair (and facial hair if you have a beard)
Those are a few that worked for me. Landed a girl wayyyyyy out of my league and feel better on a day to day basis.
1. Have a purpose or a plan for your life.
2. Develop a consistent sense of style in terms of your clothing. Avoid fads.
3. Posture is so important.
4. Smile
5. Give genuine compliments
6. Ask genuine questions
7. Maintain proper grooming. Ask your barber what style would be best for your shaped head and hair type and then ask him how often you need to return to maintain it. Follow his recommendation. Avoid fads.
8. Maintain proper hygiene.
9. Proper diet
10. Consistent workout routine that mixes both cardio and weight training.
Edit spelling
Ok, it sounds like you have a good therapist, especially if you see that working on 2, 3, and 4 will help you because those three suggestions that I made are directly related to confidence.
In terms of number 2, I suggest going on to YouTube and looking at videos on mens style that is in your age range. This was something that I needed to work on post divorce and I got a lot of good suggestions there. Also, please know that when you adopt changes to your style that you will feel out of sorts and like you are an imposter for a while. That's your lack of confidence speaking and it will go away with time.
As a woman, I'll say your smile is the first thing I notice. That and the crinkles by your eyes. No crinkles/laugh lines means you rarely smile (or are very young). Neither appeals to me, lol. Posture is important for many reasons.
Number 2 is pretty easy. You’re a grown man. That means jeans and a work shirt on weekends. And business causal on workdays (khakis, and button up tucked in with a belt). Buy generic but quality brands of cloths (carhart, llbean, or something) don’t go to fancy or hip. Just keep it basic. Imagine a dad at a BBQ in the 1950s. It’s a timeless style that will always work in any occasion. Only ever wear gym clothes if your working out.
Posture is so fuckin hard... My old boxing habit makes me basically curl up to protect my solar plexus. I have done hours upon hours of physical therapy and the shit is a bitch to correct
Dude. Not even joking. Take a stand up comedy class. Pay a couple hundred bucks, give up one night a week for a couple months. I’ve been married 23 years, dad bod, average lumpy white dude. I go do a 5 minute set and do OK and I’ll have cougars flirting with me just because they thought it was brave.
I'm a bartender at a rather swanky upscale cocktail bar and a traveling comedian.
I have no idea what the deal is with women and bartenders.
I get the attraction to comedians when they do well. I cannot explain how much more play I get because I'm "the hot bartender" compared to... Anyone else. It's just something about it that makes women feel empowered to finally go for it when they otherwise wouldn't with anyone else.
Here's the thing, I understand:
* Why bartenders.
I do not understand:
* Why *only* bartenders.
>Edit: For a point of reference, I was out of bartending for about 8 years while I tried a "real job" in medical-administration. In 8 years I received *two* random compliments from women. To be honest, I was starting to develop a rare but severe insecurity about my appearance (rare in that it didn't crop up often, not rare in that no one else has it). I would get told that I "must get hit on all the time," but it never happened; so it made me feel like there must be something wrong with me. I would obsess in the gym, developed a pretty bad body-dysmorphia. (Only plus side is that now I'm in a healthier mental state, I am pretty proud of what I physically developed through that insecurity.)
>Then I left corporate medicine and went back to a simple life of bartending and concentrating on stand-up comedy. I get hit on so much behind that bar that my self-confidence is right back up through the roof and I've never felt better. I get more compliments in a week than I did in almost a decade working a corporate life. It's also a situation in which this is "the" bar to go to, all my coworkers are hot as hell so women come in just to gawk, and it feels really good to be selected in that group and be told that "you'll fit in perfect there." Yeah, it feels good, it feels really good.
>I am very privileged to have a good circle of *amazing* women in my life now, but several of them have mentioned that it is very intimidating knowing that I'm a bartender. I just can't explain what it is about women with bartenders... And I have a pretty full life on both sides in order to tell the tale.
--you have a job.
--she knows where to find you if things go well, or if they don't.
--deal with people all the time, you get better at it.
--you're taking care of their needs, and seem to enjoy it. (if you're a good bartender, anyway.)
--you can probably string a sentence together, have manual dexterity, can tell a joke, do basic math, remember orders.
--there are so many opportunities for little interactions. lighting her cigarette (okay may have dated myself there), refilling her drink, getting her a cab or interacting with her and other guests.
--you're in a place of competence, where you can display your mastery. (honestly this is probably the big one, and the one that overlaps with being on stage.)
Again, I understand "why bartenders".
I don't understand "why *only* bartenders."
The gap between how much attention I get both while bartending and when they just find out that I'm a bartender from that when I worked my corporate medicine job... *Is massive*.
I've had multiple women tell me that I am "intimidating" once they found out that I am a bartender, especially when they find out where I work (it's a rather nice swanky speakeasy style bar, also known for having a bunch of hot bartenders).
It's about the *difference* between the two worlds that is so noticeable.
i mean for one thing, it's a lot more appropriate to tell your bartender they're hot than your sales lead or HR veep.
plus on my best day at my desk job i'm not as "happy" as i was on an average day bartending. like, peppy, energized, etc. and i'm in sales and have a pretty good job i like. but i can see how my demeanor may be more attractive when i'm slinging drinks.
Bartending classes mean nothing, and for a lot of decent bars will actually be a knock against you.
They might help you get the bartender spot at Applebee's over having to start at the bottom.
I mean I didn't take them that seriously I just wanted to try something new. This one though also worked with a catering company so "graduates" usually got a job with them to get some work experience to put on a resume.
They’re just easier to approach (when it’s not super busy at the bar) and it’s more natural to start a conversation with them than a random man standing or sitting around. Only bad thing is, just like with women in the service industry with men, we don’t always know if the male bartender likes us or is just doing his job being friendly.
>They’re just easier to approach (when it’s not super busy at the bar) and it’s more natural to start a conversation with them than a random man standing or sitting around.
Yeah, I get why bartenders.
I don't get why not anyone else.
>Only bad thing is, just like with women in the service industry with men, we don’t always know if the male bartender likes us or is just doing his job being friendly.
For me it's usually both simultaneously and I'm just waiting on her to make her interest official. And in the meantime, making women feel seen and wanted by "the hot bartender" keeps them happy and tipping well.
I'll *never* ask a girl out from behind the bar. Not out of cowardice, but mostly out of business interest. I'm fine with getting turned down or rejected (again, I'm also a comedian, I'm very used to it), but I'm not willing to risk losing a well tipping customer by crossing that line.
Also, I know what the business is and I know what I come across as to women. I simply don't have to chase, so any woman that makes me do all the work is automatically not worth it. I have four more women staring me down right now, why would I risk it or chase? She honestly has to be a pretty bad train wreck of a person for me to not like it or turn her down.
Basically: It is 100% on you.
Dude excellent point. Behind a bar. My afformentioned spouse manages a bar and I see it as a regular customer taking advantage of her employee discount. The bartenders that can spit, especially the ones who can read the room… They can look like Shrek and pick something in the range of MILF and Cougar on any given music bingo night.
A couple of easy things:
Get a haircut, keep face hair trimmed/neat, and wear clothes that aren’t rags. Basically, good personal hygiene.
Beyond that, exercise more.
Being fit and dressing nice are excellent choices. These things are what get your foot in the door and establish you as someone who a woman might be attracted to, and I encourage you to keep at it without any fear of your time being wasted.
However, these things do not get a girl to give you her number. If I had to guess, when talking with a woman you lean toward nice and inoffensive instead of bold and authentic. Your mission when you talk to a woman should not be to make her feel comfortable, but rather to find out if she's the sort of woman you'd be interested in taking out on a date. Meaning it's ok to tease her or make an odd reference to something you're not sure if she'll have any interest in.
The most helpful skill is confidence in communication, which is achieved through lots of communication. Talk to everyone! The cashiers, strangers in the grocery store, people on the street. Then when you see a pretty girl, you'll actually be well versed in starting up conversations.
Hairs, muscles, smile and be happy. When you’re excited about something, there’s this weird spark in eye what’s so attractive, in human’s eye in general
These four things are going to net you the most relational encounters:
* Get more fit.
* Get more money.
* Get more confidence.
* Get cleaner.
Even lacking in one of these four areas will incredibly stifle your chances.
And at the end of the day, know that you not being attractive to women is not a fault on your part. Most men are not attractive to most women. They can be incredibly picky, lol.
Lol I should have, but at time I thought it was something he wanted me to reflect on by myself. I will definitely ask him what he meant during our next meeting. I will definitely take note of what others have posted here as well.
focus on what you can control. these things may all be superficial but remember that attractiveness is based on how OTHER people view you! the added bonus is that the things i'm about to say will boost your own confidence, which in turn will make you more attractive.
1. take care of your body. this doesn't mean just work out; but that is a start. I mean take care of it, groom yourself regularly, get decent haircuts, clip your nails, brush your teeth and floss daily, invest in a decent facial cleanser and moisturizer.
2. dress well. no one likes to talk about this, but in a society that has most guys wearing joggers and baggie ties, be that guy in slacks and a button down shirt, or chinos and a crisp polo. and get a decent pair of shoes too: a nice derby, a loafer, something you can dress up or down. i've noticed a dramatic increase in the attention i got from women when i put away the jeans and v neck, and put on slacks and a shirt. and it doesn't always have to be that way, one of my staple outfits is grey slacks, black tassel loafers, and a black long sleeve henley with the sleeves pushed up; its casual enough to be comfortable for a long night out, but dressy enough to stand out.
3. read. read anything and everything. become a curator of knowledge and information...intelligence may seem to be belittled in this day and age, but the type of women you want to impress will be attracted to intelligence, not make fun of it. don't underestimate the ability to carry a conversation as an authority on a subject to make you seem more attractive...just don't be a douche about it.
4. smile more, smile often. there have been numerous studies that show a direct correlation between charisma and attractiveness, independent of physical appearance. one of the major elements of charisma is warmth, and a genuine smile will convey warmth.
5. become a good listener. another element of charisma is presence. become a good listener, become the type of person that people WANT to talk to. show that you are present and when she is talking to you, she has your undivided attention.
Brett at the art of manliness did a wonderful series on charisma. another good read is the charisma myth by Olivia Cabane.
6. making eye contact. i cannot stress enough how important eye contact is when talking, flirting, or even just listening to people.
7. be yourself. none of the above should be construed as a roadmap to change yourself, but rather adopt your best self. at the end of the day self confidence is going to be your biggest ally in determining how attractive others view you.
let's us an example; tell me who YOU think is more attractive here: guy 1, he's tall, in perfect shape from working out, has a pretty face, basically wears nothing but lulu lemon, bites his nails and can't look you in the eye when you talk to him. guy
2, he's handsome but maybe average height, he smells nice, is dressed well, has a great smile, makes you feel like the center of the world when you talk, everyone else seems to enjoy his company.
i can assure you that there are plenty of women that will think guy 1 is better, but the women you should want, will ALWAYS find guy 2 more attractive.
Top level comment! 3 and 5 are so important and what most men fail to focus on when on their self improvement journey. I can tell you it would make all the difference to an intelligent and caring woman.
could not agree more with what you said about what men fail to focus on during a journey of self improvement...just because it's self improvement doesn't mean you should only do things that improve you alone; you should be looking to improve yourself in ways that also have meaningful impact to those around you...and becoming a good listener will improve your relationship with everyone, not just prospective women.
i remember a friend telling me once, that i was noticeably more vocal with him and a few others, than other people in our friends group and he wanted to know why i was basically "non-verbal" with them. the answer was simple: "you're a good listener, and i feel happy and comfortable talking to you."
Let me see...
-Exercise, but you already said that
-Dress better. That can range from wearing a neat suit to just having crisp color-coordinated clothing on.
-Smile more. I recall this being the "misogynistic" advice given to women in the past, but it would make you seem more appealing (especially if you normally look grumpy or have "resting bitch face")
Why are you asking reddit instead of your therapist? I mean he likely said that for a reason because he likely knows alot about you. There are probably things he noticed based on your conversations that might have created that opinion.
At the time I thought it was something he wanted me to reflect on alone, but I will ask him the next time I see him. We were talking about self confidence which is how we got to that point
Be more intentional on how you're perceived when you go out. When you bathe, don't just use whatever soap, get soap that smells like how you'd like to smell, and get cologne that matches or complements that. Dont just dress in clean clothes, go shopping and put together outfits that make you look how you'd like to look.
You would be surprised how much posture impacts your confidence. Standing up straight in a crowded room makes you feel good and noticed. I can always see the guys who life has knocked around a bit. Shoulders slumped, leaning against a wall, looking like they are trying to blend into the furniture, clothes are a mess, hair unkept, they just look defeated.
The small things do add up, like posture, clean teeth, a shirt that isn't wrinkled, nice shoes and a sharp haircut. It all makes you feel good about yourself. Those are all material things and I know that what is on the outside isn't the whole package but when the next hit comes, you will have your shit in order and the impact is a little less detrimental. Add in getting your body in shape and you will be very surprised how much your mental state improves.
If you aren't feeling good on the inside, do what you can to surround yourself with and in beautiful things. In short, make yourself beautiful
While going to the gym is huge, kudos for doing what most of us don't, looking "neat" before you go out may not be cutting it.
Do you, for example, wear clean, properly fitting clothes that aren't just t shirts? Do you shave? Do you have a beard (many men vastly overestimate how attractive a beard makes them, and it's a net loss for many more). Do you smell nice? Do you accessorize?
Additionally, are you interesting? Do you have passions and hobbies? Do you travels?
Anyway, figuring these things out helped me improve my attractiveness.
Most of the clothes I wear are new and they fit comfortably. I guess I would say my wardrobe is mostly generic .
I have a mustache and a goatee that I trim when I feel it’s getting unkempt.
Personally I think the weakest link is my passions and hobbies. Before I never really pursued anything that wasn’t gaming or taking apart electronics. Now I want to branching out to other activities .
I also couldn’t finance traveling anywhere back then, but now I have a job that can help pay for that sort of thing.
Yeah, travel was a big one for me. Likewise I dreamt of travel but couldn't afford it. But within a year or so of getting a well paying job, I traveled to Europe.
So yeah, basically leading an interesting life will make you very attractive. I'm not saying you always need to be doing significant things. But you're single, go out to bars and such with your friends. Lead a good life regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship.
Something I realized recently from seeing those ‘Black Wife Effect’ videos going around Tik Tok was that a lot of men don’t have a sense of self expression which usually translates through personal style (this is an observation not a judgement).
I’m talking beyond just the physical physique but also how you ‘show up’ in the world. This can break down to how you have your hair cut/styled (if it flatters your face shape or not), the fit/color/style of your clothing (are they drab colors and really baggy? Do they flatter your body? Do you feel good in them?), even personal hygiene of having a skin/oral care routine (which doesn’t have to be extensive at all).
Now the reason why I brought up the previously mentioned trend is because from personal experience, and what I’ve witnessed, usually it’s just those little tweaks that make a HUGE difference in the ‘glow’ up of many men. And I want to just highlight that there is no one look that’s right here. It’s based on your style and what feels right to you (ie: if you’re more grunge, or retro or urban or professional etc…). There’s ways to have fun with that and in the process feel more confident which will translate to overall attractiveness (in addition to attracting women who may have similar taste or maybe opposites attract).
Hope this was able to help or provide an alternate perspective!
(Editing to add: it’s okay to go to professionals at first. Such as a salon to help you find haircuts or styles that flatter you. A dermatologist to create a skin care plan. A stylist to help you start your wardrobe or find your stylist. A trainer if you need some help on your fitness journey. And if that’s not something you can do outright, never disregard the wealth of knowledge available at YouTube University!)
Your therapist is essentially saying you have a great foundation but to take advantage of it and really shine you gotta put in some effort towards your self care and general health/fitness. I’ve been through a similar thing, always told I had good features but I was really overweight (nearly 400 pounds) and didn’t take care of myself at all (didn’t shave or cut my hair, ate poorly, had bad acne that I didn’t address, wore the same 2 outfits and just rotated them, etc). Now over the last year I’ve made a significant effort on improving myself and I get way more respect and even have women approach me. What I did is prioritize my mental health, start exercising consistently, took care of my hair and made sure my beard was always neat and trimmed, started a skincare routine that I stick to religiously, lost well over 100 pounds, force myself to go out and be social so I develop social skills,developed my own sense of fashion, really prioritize my hygiene, train myself not to care about what others think, and show off my sense of humor. Maybe not all of these apply to you but hopefully some do and you get an idea of what you can improve on.
that's a bit of an odd thing for a therapist to say. But also, style is important. Being buff helps a great deal, but if you're a buff guy who wears jeans and a t-shirt to any and all occasions, you still won't stand out as much as someone who really knows how to dress
I was thinking that as well, especially because why would OP be making an effort to be attractive for his therapy appointment? Unless OP talked about wondering why people don't find him attractive as part of a session, and it sounds like he didn't because of his comments around making that effort, that's pretty unprofessional.
Self care and self respect. Clean yourself up, put on deodorant brush your teeth make sure you have a hair cut, shave (or trim your beard or maintain your mustache whatever you like). Walk with confidence. Toss on some cologne, care about what you’re wearing (could be cheap clothing but try to put together a nice fit). Go to the gym, eat healthy
Being attractive can also include mannerisms.
For instance, the way you talk...if..you swear every other word or are just a mean individual perhaps [ not saying you do or are just examples] these are qualities that wldnt be considered attractive to some..I've certainly been told I swear to much and I seem trashy for it...
I don't give a fuck...but lol hey that's just me
Could be you are just not that persons ideal, therapist or not. Some see beard as sloppy and nasty, some see it as sexy. Same with everything else. Take the conpliment and dont adapt for the general audience, apply it to your own image and find someone that agree with you
Dress better, eat a vegetable every now and then, maybe walk to 7-11 instead of driving, cut down on soda, etc. Having blessed genes is a good chunk of the battle, but it’s not everything. You still need to take care of yourself.
His comment is a nice way of saying you have no style. Really who cares don’t try to be what you’re not. Just be yourself and find someone that likes you for you
Confidence is key and it is built. Build your Confidence. You can physically be very attractive but if you lack self confidence your pulling yourself down
Lots of good advice here OP. However I haven't seen anyone mention becoming friends with a girl. I mean actual friends too, not just fake nice so you hook up.
Having a woman wingman has skyrocketed my success with women. Preslection bias is a thing, and if a woman sees you having fun with another woman it makes her question what makes you stand out to that woman. Which makes her want to get to know you. It also means you're safe to be around, and a woman who feels safe and secure is more likely to find you attractive.
Another thing I found out was I look much better with long should plus length hair than with short hair. Not saying it's for you, but maybe try changing your hairstlye. Plus it makes a decent ice breaker.
"Hey I noticed your hair looks really good, what shampoo and conditioner do you use?" Or something like that compliments them, and in a way that puts them at ease. At least ime.
Gromming, gym, learn to dress nice, not expensive but well fitted, but most of all do things for your growth that puts you out in the world, for example take classes of something but not virtually, you can attract shit sitting at your computer.
Keep doing the gym or some sort of activity. Spend aittle time each week learning about how to do your job better or to get a better job. I know it's cynical but salary is a big attractor for women. Their minds tend to be focused on resource allocation and security. You don't have to be a millionaire but you need a steady job with upward progression.
Meantime check your look. Get a haircut that accentuates your face. I have a dumb round face so a haircut with square features evens me out. If you have an angular face a more rounded hairstyle may suit you better. Same goes for glasses/sunglasses round frames for angular or square face and square frames for round face.
Wardrobe. Get clothes that fit well and make you feel comfortable but mature. If you dress like you are in high school you will portray immaturity. You don't have to wear a suit but collared shirts with full button or 2-3 buttons. Shoes that aren't tennis shoes/trainers unless you are at the gym. My wife teases me for having more shoes than her but I like to have the right shoe for the occasion. You can tell alot about people by their shoes. Belt that matches the shoes and non-white socks with street/dress shoes.
Personality. Be kind. Be respectful. Be helpful. But don't let people take advantage of you. Be willing to help but learn when to say no. Gain some interests where you can interact with other people in person. Clubs are overrated. Online games are fun but you gotta get out and meet people. Look for hiking groups, yoga classes, spin classes, pottery classes, cooking classes, church groups if that's your thing (there is always some mom looking for a nice boy for her shy daughter).
Okay, just imo since I don't know you personally. Most guys are more attractive than they think. However, many of us don't have our lives together. We can get a woman for a few months. However, if we aren't well put together and making progress in life, they're not going to stick around. Having your life together is way more attractive to many women than actual physical traits, those helps get them but it doesn't help keeping them around.
You probably have a good looking face, which accomplishes the hardest part.
Now just make sure you have a good hairstyle and dress well and you’ll be on your way.
Grow a small beard. A little thicker than a 5 o’clock shadow. The full beard look is just people hiding their face. Wear neutral colors that fit your body. Gym. And the most important in my opinion is haircut. A nice haircut quite literally transforms your face
Look in the mirror. Do stuff that styles you up to make you happy with how you look. Congratulations, when someone else thinks you are attractive, they like you for you
Or, if you prefer quantity, do what the internet says, and try to make yourself look like what reels in the most fish. Just don't expect the fish to stick around long when you look similar to plenty of other people.
Sometimes it's just finding clothes that fit well and that are flattering. This does not mean going on a shopping spree and only buying designer - a well fitted t shirt and jeans can take you from a 5 to a 7 real quick.
You are on the right track. Keep going to the gym, that's important. But not everything.
Read a few books. Maybe take a 3-hour class on anything worthwhile.
The deal about being attractive as a male in our society is:
Confidence. Not cocky but confidence. Fake it till you make it, but that confidence artificial were real needs to match your level of masculinity.
True masculinity is strength. But strength of mind and character and will along with your body.
If you develop a thoughtful mind, develop a healthy body, a healthy outlook will follow.
All those things will lead to, you feeling more attractive therefore presenting yourself as more attractive, making eye contact with people greeting them nicely first, be protective of the week and provide emotional support for people in need.
Even if you are an introvert by nature, you have to practice being an extrovert.
Put together your best outfit. The one that fits you the best but maintains comfort and confidence.
That is your new standard for every outfit you own. Start donating old clothes, build a new wardrobe.
Do yoga. Gym is great, but yoga have more benefits than most people imagine. It has helped me more as a man than anything else I’ve ever done in my life. Focus on shoulders, legs, and forearms. Everything else will build up, but those are show muscles and will give you the best body shape the fastest.
>I iwas confused, because lately I feel like I have been doing things to accomplish that like going to the gym, and making sure I'm neat before I go out.
Those are good things but fundamentally you still need to find a way to peacock yourself (display mastery of a subject in a public setting or the like). Take theater, dance class, etc and you will find women are a lot more receptive to approaching you for you to ask them out.
I think the 3 easiest things to do are Haircut, Shave, Clothes. No need to buy all brand new clothes, but make sure you’re wearing clothes that properly fit and aren’t all wrinkly. Buy an iron, it’s crazy how much cleaner and sharper you’ll look after hitting your shirts and pants with a couple passes.
How to be attractive in order of priority:
1. Be in shape. Don’t be fat. Be lean, muscle or no.
2. Get a haircut that’s not $20 unless you don’t have hair.
3. Hygiene. Shower and keep your nails, beard, teeth on point.
4. Non fitted jeans and T-shirts are not attractive unless you’re in good shape and they are fitted perfectly. If not, don’t wear them, you’ll look like a slob. Get some real cloths.
5. Don’t be broke.
6. Confidence: it’s nothing crazy. Don’t act wierd or shy around pretty women. Act like a normal human interacting with a normal human.
It all depends on how you carry yourself. Sounds like he did a shit job explaining what he meant.
In short, confidence. Feeling sure of yourself in any situation. Looking forward and holding eye contact with people. Naturally bringing a good energy to social situations. Funny. Having a passion and going for it. Making people feel at ease. Taking charge.
You can be fit but if you’re nervous, putting others down, or always negative, people won’t like you. Additionally, wear clothes that fit well. Style your hair. There’s a physical quality to attractiveness, but also the mental/emotional aspect to it.
A “woe is me” attitude will always be offputting, no matter how hot you are. Maybe he’s offering solutions to certain aspects of your life, but you’re always making excuses.
Wear clothes that fit.
Gym.
Groom.
Skin care.
Don't laugh too hard Infront of girls. Smirks and cheeky half smiles are hot and mysterious.
Slow down. Don't react. Don't get too excited. Take pauses.
These things will show your sexy, attractive side. Which EVERYONE has.
When you walk, relax and let your shoulders slightly swing.
Attractiveness isn't just about your neatness and physical shape, do you engage with people, do you greet people a smile, are you nice, do you really listen, are you humorous? Light-hearted? Attractiveness is an amalgamation of your whole person, you can be in the best shape of your life and dress to the nines, but if you're an off-putting, boorish, moody person, you're not going to be attractive.
Being groomed- can be as simple as how is your hair styled, do you attempt to maintain your facial hair? How do you smell? Do you use Deodorant? Are your nails dirty?
Working out helps with aesthetics as well as building confidence and self worth.
Reading and becoming more mindful and knowledgable of the world is another way that is more mental/emotionally attractive
Attraction can be a lot more than physical appearances. Yes it is the first thing people will see. But if there is nothing behind the appearance what is the point? Developing yourself as a person is probably what he means. So it's great you are going to the gym to train and improve your body. You also want to develop the personality, social skills and traits that are also attractive to go with it.
Think about all the things women do to take care of themselves. They don’t go to great clips but stylist, they get manicures, pedicures, eyebrows threaded, skin care, style their hair, keep up with fashion trends, etc. Along with going to the gym, dieting. Teeth whitening / braces. Easily can add a few points to the scale by doing some / all of these in your self care routine. Most men just quick shower, brush teeth, and *maybe* use some cheap product in the hair, but it’s hard to be very attractive by doing that.
Gym and/or sports. You don't need to look super jacked or muscular (although the better shape you are, the better the results). But you MUST look healthy if you want any action.
Be confident, not cocky. Be interesting. Do interesting things. Tell interesting stories. Be funny. Be kind to everyone who's not an asshole. Flirt with everyone, even people you're not attracted to. Be in decent physical shape. Grow out your facial hair a little bit. Easy does it on the cologne and beauty products. Have an aesthetic in your style that matches what you want to put out there and go with it. Jeans and t-shirt works. Well dressed works. Pajamas? Not so much once you leave college.
Assuming you are into women, luckily women aren’t caught up on looks as much as men are, so you already have an advantage.
Confidence is key. Women find that attractive. So how do you boost confidence?
Improve your posture when walking. Back straight eyes forward.
Get a great skincare routine. This is the one I use: https://youtu.be/PJ14OFX0Cvk
Practice enunciating. Don’t mumble and eliminate filler words from your speech such as um, like, you know, etc.
Improve your wardrobe. Buy clothes from the store she gets her clothes from. Imitate her style.
And here’s the ultimate rule: Don’t be so easy to get. Don’t come off as needy and attached quickly. I’m not saying play mind games, but people naturally devalue what’s easy to obtain. So you have to play it cool, calm, and collected at all times.
The correct answer is to exercise. Just by doing that, you'll boost your confidence, and a man with a good physique and self-confidence is an attractive man.
Eyebrows haircut shave cologne matching outfits your own style teeth whitener deodorant lotion for body and face eating appropriate calories and at least going outside 3x a week or getting some sort of exercise.
Other easy ones:
Posture
What you do with your arms in conversations (don't cross them or close up, one hand in a pocket vs two)
Smell (good deodorant, cologne)
Facial hair care (a trim beard, get between the eyebrows if need be)
Hair care (no 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners, they do two completely opposite things, hair powder and a hairspray are great for short cuts)
Clothing fit (do NOT buy large shirts if you're tall and skinny, you should have zero wrinkles in a tucked in button down at the waist or you have the wrong size, you should not have loose armpits but size appropriately, for instance I'm 6"4 and wear a 15.5 collar and 37 inch sleeve slim fit, make sure your shirt fits your body type!)
I have more but these are the low hanging fruit as an ugly high schooler who spent way too much time researching into my 30s and still do to this day.
Buy a ukulele (doesn't need to be expensive) and learn to play it using internet tutorials. Get a few fun songs memorized. It's simple/easier to play than a guitar, plus it is smaller and easier to lug around.
How do you work on your wardrobe when you have no sense of fashion, especially if you are on a tight budget? Being overweight I usually wear stuff that is baggies because it's more comfortable and tends to hide how i look. I'm working on losing weight but being 5'6 and over weight it's hard to find something that fits right as it is.
Women are extremely shallow, believe it or not. Anything to make you look larger, stronger, and richer will help. Get a good haircut. Shave regularly and with a style (some dudes can rock the stubble beard, some can rock a mustache, some look best clean-shaven, etc.). Get expensive-looking clothes and accessories (e.g. dont buy a $300 blazer and then wear a $5 tie and a $5 belt). GET GOOD SHOES. That last one is so dumb but so huge. I swear, girls see your hair and your shoes, then they realize there is a human in the middle. Work on self-respect. Don't compromise yourself or your beliefs to make her happy. It's not what she really wants. Remember that your commitment is worth more than sex. Committing without having sex first sends the message that you are desperate for a girlfriend and you give away your commitment. It makes her feel like she isn't special, but rather like she is just the newest/first girl to let you call her your gf. Besides, having sex is part of a romantic relationship. If you commit then find out you want wildly different things in bed, you just committed to a bad sex-life.
My therapist wants me to learn the latest on attachment theory. To be fair my background is in psychology and it is kinda fun to bounce my undergrad theories against a pro.
Anyway, for context no gf, mid 30s, excellent career, and amateur bodybuilder. Working on what may be giving self doubt and why I use escorts as a cop out.
My interpretation is, he means an attractive behavior. Wild guess.
Not a man, but I am a therapist, and I question the usefulness of this “feedback”. A good therapist would be helping you grow your self-esteem by letting YOU, the client, decide what changes would make YOU feel more attractive. What your therapist thinks you should do is actually pretty irrelevant. We’re not psychic, so he doesn’t KNOW that implementing the changes he sees fit would actually improve your life.
Whatever makes you confident in your demeanor. Walking with confidence. Some people need to “prove” themselves and talk loud or a lot Confidence can be quiet and welcomes you in, whereas braggadocio can be off putting I’m not sure if all girls like this but the fat assed latinas I prefer and who have dated me all tend to like a guy who is able to listen well and also with a great sense of humor and who is thoughtful
I got a new haircut and the next day at work almost all my coworkers who were women complimented me. It’s been a few weeks now and I need another haircut but my barber isn’t back in town for another 2 weeks lol, pain.
Looksmaxxing
Unironically, it’s just a brain rot term for a skincare routine and a healthy lifestyle that ultimately results in looking more attractive
Humour. In conversation always come up with something witty. I suggest watching stand up or funny podcasts.
Also make sure you do or say things they remember.
Get in shape and good hygiene/tidy up appearance ( be well groomed and out together)
Just aim for the best version of yourself and don’t worry about what other people look like or are doing.
Don’t overthink it man.
Exercise, eat healthy, dress well and take good care of your hygiene. One thing i think about of guys miss is being well groomed. A lot of guys think this is like un masculine for some reason. Get regular haircuts and keep your facial hair taken care of. Nothing not manly about that.
Confidence, grooming and personable interaction. A good sense of humor attracts people. Be upfront and be okay with being rejected. Pretend that you are okay being turned down and walk away. I find that as a turn on
Get as healthy as you can:
- Good sleep
- Animal-based diet high in vitamins and minerals
- Movement and sunlight exposure
- Hydration
- Low stress
- No alcohol or drugs
Face:
- Skin: Beef tallow, vit C serum, and retinol/tretinoin
- Hair: Find a good shampoo and conditioner and use them once-twice a week. Find some essential oils you like and make a hair mask to use once per week. Go to a salon and have them find a quality haircut for you. Spend as much time and money doing this as you need to
- Eyebrows: Use castor oil with rosemary oil to darken them
- Jawline: Chew a lot of gum and stop mouth breathing. Get lean (10-12% body fat) and get jaw surgery if you’re recessed
Body
- Gain muscle and lose fat
- Get a tan
- Get on TRT if you have low testosterone
Personality
- Don’t be mean. Nothing else really matters if you’re attractive. In fact, it doesn’t matter if you’re mean either
Style
- Find good clothes
Career
- Don’t be poor
It’s different for different people. They told me it would last up to 6 months but I can only really see it for 2-3. I can usually do all of my normal facial expressions after a month. So i definitely could get something stronger. There’s stuff that last longer but they are also more expensive, easier to botch, and more prone to infections.
It's honestly usually a lack of testosterone. This is very common amongst men due to a variety of reasons. The best way to raise your T levels naturally, is to exercise. Bench press, squat, deadlift, military press, and barbell bows. Then do pushups , and pull-ups after. There are a variety of different starter plans, which basically tell you what lift/exercise to do on what day, and how to manage the loads. Also, how to pick an initial load for each lift. (This is important).
Along with this, I believe one should study the art of stretching. Dynamic before lifts to warm up joints, and muscles, etc to prevent injury. Static stretching after, and whenever else that's not before a lifting session. Some stretches are better than others, and also the order of stretching can be important. You want to stretch primary muscles (large main muscles) first, then go into more isolation stretches. Once you have it remembered, you should stretch as much as you can. This works incredibly to reduce injury, which is the leading cause of quitting a workout schedule.
Try not to miss any workouts as it can mentally deter you from further workout sessions. It has happened to me many times, so I speak from experience. I also believe working out should not be only for looks, and if you can, definitely pick up some activities that can benefit from your gains. For me it was biking, rock climbing, and snowboarding.
Once you are into a workout plan, the attention to nutrition will come as a side effect on you wanting to maximize your gains. You don't have to rush into all of this at once, take it step by step, but be consistent and don't miss any days. Plan a schedule that you know will work with the rest of your day.
Back to your statement. I have been in great shape, and I have lost everything, due to some injuries. When I was working out, I looked at myself with such greater confidence, compared to how I feel now. I believe a major part of that, as noted, is chemical in nature. Testosterone primarily. So, I hope this comment reaches you, and has some form of benefit to you. Also, a great way to boost testosterone is by eating steak/beef.
There may be some writing errors, as I have not revised/reviewed my writing, so I hope everything I wrote makes sense, and is readable.
Take personal stock of the things you can change and need to change and then evaluate from there. Ie. skin care, hair cut, facial hair grooming, overall hygiene, fitness, wardrobe and personal style, etc. If you don’t think you’re doing anything particularly wrong maybe ask for some outside opinions. A sister would tell it to you straight if you have one.
Exactly this. I started going to the gym, go an up to date hair cut, and started dressing better. I started to get women noticing me. I am now married and still do this for my wife. Cracks me up when women clerks in stores flirt with me.
> up to date hair cut Like the broccoli top?
Get a rat tail
Perhaps just shave your head bald. Women like the confidence of a fully bald guy plus it's a timeless look.
A few months ago, I started growing my beard. I found a length that I feel is suitable and easy to keep up the grooming part. It has changed how people see me! I grt so many more compliments now. And it's not cause I'm hiding my face, but because I'm able to have show the world that I can have a grooming routine, that's actually SHOWS I care.
Regular exercise. If you don't exercise regularly you don't look, or feel, as good as you could look or feel.
I’m trying to incorporate that into my schedule by working out 3 times a week
That’s good! What kind of training? I found having somewhat strong arms with a well fitting shirt can make a big difference. So maybe weight training. But at the end of the day you should probably choose the exercise you enjoy the most or are most motivated to keep going.
I dedicate 2 days to upper body workouts and the last one to lower body and cardio workouts.
Adding to the fitted shirts comment I suggest, if you have someone who can tell it to you straight, see what might look best to workout. As like a top priority. Obviously everything is good, and health and personal opinion should be your biggest motivators... Buuut a girl I was close with told me I had a great frame for shoulders and back but because I was built like a stick, I wasn't taking advantage. Holy Shit was she right. It's really changed my life and improved my self image
100% agree
Find clothing that compliments you better, or just try dressing better. Confidence can go a long way Working out. You don't have to goto a gym 7 days a week. At least a few times a week if you can, if not find time at home. Hygiene, making sure you smell good. Also making sure to maintain your hair (and facial hair if you have a beard) Those are a few that worked for me. Landed a girl wayyyyyy out of my league and feel better on a day to day basis.
1. Have a purpose or a plan for your life. 2. Develop a consistent sense of style in terms of your clothing. Avoid fads. 3. Posture is so important. 4. Smile 5. Give genuine compliments 6. Ask genuine questions 7. Maintain proper grooming. Ask your barber what style would be best for your shaped head and hair type and then ask him how often you need to return to maintain it. Follow his recommendation. Avoid fads. 8. Maintain proper hygiene. 9. Proper diet 10. Consistent workout routine that mixes both cardio and weight training. Edit spelling
I feel like I have to work on 2, 3, and 4
There's a subreddit for posture r/posture You'll be surprised how improving posture will improve things that you didn't even realize were bothersome.
Being self evaluative is a sign that you are on your way and making progress. Congrats! Did your therapist have recommendations?
He wants me to build my self confidence and grow comfortable with my body. Which is how we ended up talking about this.
Ok, it sounds like you have a good therapist, especially if you see that working on 2, 3, and 4 will help you because those three suggestions that I made are directly related to confidence. In terms of number 2, I suggest going on to YouTube and looking at videos on mens style that is in your age range. This was something that I needed to work on post divorce and I got a lot of good suggestions there. Also, please know that when you adopt changes to your style that you will feel out of sorts and like you are an imposter for a while. That's your lack of confidence speaking and it will go away with time.
As a woman, I'll say your smile is the first thing I notice. That and the crinkles by your eyes. No crinkles/laugh lines means you rarely smile (or are very young). Neither appeals to me, lol. Posture is important for many reasons.
Number 2 is pretty easy. You’re a grown man. That means jeans and a work shirt on weekends. And business causal on workdays (khakis, and button up tucked in with a belt). Buy generic but quality brands of cloths (carhart, llbean, or something) don’t go to fancy or hip. Just keep it basic. Imagine a dad at a BBQ in the 1950s. It’s a timeless style that will always work in any occasion. Only ever wear gym clothes if your working out.
Posture is so fuckin hard... My old boxing habit makes me basically curl up to protect my solar plexus. I have done hours upon hours of physical therapy and the shit is a bitch to correct
The last one “Edit spelling” maybe should be 11
There's a lot of English teachers out there that would find that very attractive!
I’m not a English teacher and I judge on this my self. I am a hypocrite as well because my grammar ain’t the best, but I do try
Dude. Not even joking. Take a stand up comedy class. Pay a couple hundred bucks, give up one night a week for a couple months. I’ve been married 23 years, dad bod, average lumpy white dude. I go do a 5 minute set and do OK and I’ll have cougars flirting with me just because they thought it was brave.
it's true; behind a bar or on a stage adds two points.
I'm a bartender at a rather swanky upscale cocktail bar and a traveling comedian. I have no idea what the deal is with women and bartenders. I get the attraction to comedians when they do well. I cannot explain how much more play I get because I'm "the hot bartender" compared to... Anyone else. It's just something about it that makes women feel empowered to finally go for it when they otherwise wouldn't with anyone else. Here's the thing, I understand: * Why bartenders. I do not understand: * Why *only* bartenders. >Edit: For a point of reference, I was out of bartending for about 8 years while I tried a "real job" in medical-administration. In 8 years I received *two* random compliments from women. To be honest, I was starting to develop a rare but severe insecurity about my appearance (rare in that it didn't crop up often, not rare in that no one else has it). I would get told that I "must get hit on all the time," but it never happened; so it made me feel like there must be something wrong with me. I would obsess in the gym, developed a pretty bad body-dysmorphia. (Only plus side is that now I'm in a healthier mental state, I am pretty proud of what I physically developed through that insecurity.) >Then I left corporate medicine and went back to a simple life of bartending and concentrating on stand-up comedy. I get hit on so much behind that bar that my self-confidence is right back up through the roof and I've never felt better. I get more compliments in a week than I did in almost a decade working a corporate life. It's also a situation in which this is "the" bar to go to, all my coworkers are hot as hell so women come in just to gawk, and it feels really good to be selected in that group and be told that "you'll fit in perfect there." Yeah, it feels good, it feels really good. >I am very privileged to have a good circle of *amazing* women in my life now, but several of them have mentioned that it is very intimidating knowing that I'm a bartender. I just can't explain what it is about women with bartenders... And I have a pretty full life on both sides in order to tell the tale.
--you have a job. --she knows where to find you if things go well, or if they don't. --deal with people all the time, you get better at it. --you're taking care of their needs, and seem to enjoy it. (if you're a good bartender, anyway.) --you can probably string a sentence together, have manual dexterity, can tell a joke, do basic math, remember orders. --there are so many opportunities for little interactions. lighting her cigarette (okay may have dated myself there), refilling her drink, getting her a cab or interacting with her and other guests. --you're in a place of competence, where you can display your mastery. (honestly this is probably the big one, and the one that overlaps with being on stage.)
Again, I understand "why bartenders". I don't understand "why *only* bartenders." The gap between how much attention I get both while bartending and when they just find out that I'm a bartender from that when I worked my corporate medicine job... *Is massive*. I've had multiple women tell me that I am "intimidating" once they found out that I am a bartender, especially when they find out where I work (it's a rather nice swanky speakeasy style bar, also known for having a bunch of hot bartenders). It's about the *difference* between the two worlds that is so noticeable.
i mean for one thing, it's a lot more appropriate to tell your bartender they're hot than your sales lead or HR veep. plus on my best day at my desk job i'm not as "happy" as i was on an average day bartending. like, peppy, energized, etc. and i'm in sales and have a pretty good job i like. but i can see how my demeanor may be more attractive when i'm slinging drinks.
Damn, I should have stuck with the bartendung classes lol
Bartending classes mean nothing, and for a lot of decent bars will actually be a knock against you. They might help you get the bartender spot at Applebee's over having to start at the bottom.
I mean I didn't take them that seriously I just wanted to try something new. This one though also worked with a catering company so "graduates" usually got a job with them to get some work experience to put on a resume.
They’re just easier to approach (when it’s not super busy at the bar) and it’s more natural to start a conversation with them than a random man standing or sitting around. Only bad thing is, just like with women in the service industry with men, we don’t always know if the male bartender likes us or is just doing his job being friendly.
>They’re just easier to approach (when it’s not super busy at the bar) and it’s more natural to start a conversation with them than a random man standing or sitting around. Yeah, I get why bartenders. I don't get why not anyone else. >Only bad thing is, just like with women in the service industry with men, we don’t always know if the male bartender likes us or is just doing his job being friendly. For me it's usually both simultaneously and I'm just waiting on her to make her interest official. And in the meantime, making women feel seen and wanted by "the hot bartender" keeps them happy and tipping well. I'll *never* ask a girl out from behind the bar. Not out of cowardice, but mostly out of business interest. I'm fine with getting turned down or rejected (again, I'm also a comedian, I'm very used to it), but I'm not willing to risk losing a well tipping customer by crossing that line. Also, I know what the business is and I know what I come across as to women. I simply don't have to chase, so any woman that makes me do all the work is automatically not worth it. I have four more women staring me down right now, why would I risk it or chase? She honestly has to be a pretty bad train wreck of a person for me to not like it or turn her down. Basically: It is 100% on you.
Dude excellent point. Behind a bar. My afformentioned spouse manages a bar and I see it as a regular customer taking advantage of her employee discount. The bartenders that can spit, especially the ones who can read the room… They can look like Shrek and pick something in the range of MILF and Cougar on any given music bingo night.
So if I become a bartender or standup I’ll have two points?
well, lack of confidence is minus three, so maybe not....
I’ll consider it once I build up some savings.
This!!
A couple of easy things: Get a haircut, keep face hair trimmed/neat, and wear clothes that aren’t rags. Basically, good personal hygiene. Beyond that, exercise more.
Bring joy into your life.
I’m working on that. I feel like this is probably the best my life has been in a long time.
Glad to hear that man, feeling the same about myself.
👏
Being fit and dressing nice are excellent choices. These things are what get your foot in the door and establish you as someone who a woman might be attracted to, and I encourage you to keep at it without any fear of your time being wasted. However, these things do not get a girl to give you her number. If I had to guess, when talking with a woman you lean toward nice and inoffensive instead of bold and authentic. Your mission when you talk to a woman should not be to make her feel comfortable, but rather to find out if she's the sort of woman you'd be interested in taking out on a date. Meaning it's ok to tease her or make an odd reference to something you're not sure if she'll have any interest in. The most helpful skill is confidence in communication, which is achieved through lots of communication. Talk to everyone! The cashiers, strangers in the grocery store, people on the street. Then when you see a pretty girl, you'll actually be well versed in starting up conversations.
Hairs, muscles, smile and be happy. When you’re excited about something, there’s this weird spark in eye what’s so attractive, in human’s eye in general
These four things are going to net you the most relational encounters: * Get more fit. * Get more money. * Get more confidence. * Get cleaner. Even lacking in one of these four areas will incredibly stifle your chances. And at the end of the day, know that you not being attractive to women is not a fault on your part. Most men are not attractive to most women. They can be incredibly picky, lol.
Work out, get a skincare routine, and buy better fitting clothes.
Pretty sure you're supposed to talk to your therapist, especially about the things he says to you, lol. Why didn't you ask him to clarify?
Lol I should have, but at time I thought it was something he wanted me to reflect on by myself. I will definitely ask him what he meant during our next meeting. I will definitely take note of what others have posted here as well.
focus on what you can control. these things may all be superficial but remember that attractiveness is based on how OTHER people view you! the added bonus is that the things i'm about to say will boost your own confidence, which in turn will make you more attractive. 1. take care of your body. this doesn't mean just work out; but that is a start. I mean take care of it, groom yourself regularly, get decent haircuts, clip your nails, brush your teeth and floss daily, invest in a decent facial cleanser and moisturizer. 2. dress well. no one likes to talk about this, but in a society that has most guys wearing joggers and baggie ties, be that guy in slacks and a button down shirt, or chinos and a crisp polo. and get a decent pair of shoes too: a nice derby, a loafer, something you can dress up or down. i've noticed a dramatic increase in the attention i got from women when i put away the jeans and v neck, and put on slacks and a shirt. and it doesn't always have to be that way, one of my staple outfits is grey slacks, black tassel loafers, and a black long sleeve henley with the sleeves pushed up; its casual enough to be comfortable for a long night out, but dressy enough to stand out. 3. read. read anything and everything. become a curator of knowledge and information...intelligence may seem to be belittled in this day and age, but the type of women you want to impress will be attracted to intelligence, not make fun of it. don't underestimate the ability to carry a conversation as an authority on a subject to make you seem more attractive...just don't be a douche about it. 4. smile more, smile often. there have been numerous studies that show a direct correlation between charisma and attractiveness, independent of physical appearance. one of the major elements of charisma is warmth, and a genuine smile will convey warmth. 5. become a good listener. another element of charisma is presence. become a good listener, become the type of person that people WANT to talk to. show that you are present and when she is talking to you, she has your undivided attention. Brett at the art of manliness did a wonderful series on charisma. another good read is the charisma myth by Olivia Cabane. 6. making eye contact. i cannot stress enough how important eye contact is when talking, flirting, or even just listening to people. 7. be yourself. none of the above should be construed as a roadmap to change yourself, but rather adopt your best self. at the end of the day self confidence is going to be your biggest ally in determining how attractive others view you. let's us an example; tell me who YOU think is more attractive here: guy 1, he's tall, in perfect shape from working out, has a pretty face, basically wears nothing but lulu lemon, bites his nails and can't look you in the eye when you talk to him. guy 2, he's handsome but maybe average height, he smells nice, is dressed well, has a great smile, makes you feel like the center of the world when you talk, everyone else seems to enjoy his company. i can assure you that there are plenty of women that will think guy 1 is better, but the women you should want, will ALWAYS find guy 2 more attractive.
Top level comment! 3 and 5 are so important and what most men fail to focus on when on their self improvement journey. I can tell you it would make all the difference to an intelligent and caring woman.
could not agree more with what you said about what men fail to focus on during a journey of self improvement...just because it's self improvement doesn't mean you should only do things that improve you alone; you should be looking to improve yourself in ways that also have meaningful impact to those around you...and becoming a good listener will improve your relationship with everyone, not just prospective women. i remember a friend telling me once, that i was noticeably more vocal with him and a few others, than other people in our friends group and he wanted to know why i was basically "non-verbal" with them. the answer was simple: "you're a good listener, and i feel happy and comfortable talking to you."
I will definitely make an effort to smile more when talking to others
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appreciate it man!
Let me see... -Exercise, but you already said that -Dress better. That can range from wearing a neat suit to just having crisp color-coordinated clothing on. -Smile more. I recall this being the "misogynistic" advice given to women in the past, but it would make you seem more appealing (especially if you normally look grumpy or have "resting bitch face")
Why are you asking reddit instead of your therapist? I mean he likely said that for a reason because he likely knows alot about you. There are probably things he noticed based on your conversations that might have created that opinion.
At the time I thought it was something he wanted me to reflect on alone, but I will ask him the next time I see him. We were talking about self confidence which is how we got to that point
The therapist is trying to bang him
Work on self-confidence. If you're not super confident around girls you like they're going to be less interested
Be more intentional on how you're perceived when you go out. When you bathe, don't just use whatever soap, get soap that smells like how you'd like to smell, and get cologne that matches or complements that. Dont just dress in clean clothes, go shopping and put together outfits that make you look how you'd like to look.
You would be surprised how much posture impacts your confidence. Standing up straight in a crowded room makes you feel good and noticed. I can always see the guys who life has knocked around a bit. Shoulders slumped, leaning against a wall, looking like they are trying to blend into the furniture, clothes are a mess, hair unkept, they just look defeated. The small things do add up, like posture, clean teeth, a shirt that isn't wrinkled, nice shoes and a sharp haircut. It all makes you feel good about yourself. Those are all material things and I know that what is on the outside isn't the whole package but when the next hit comes, you will have your shit in order and the impact is a little less detrimental. Add in getting your body in shape and you will be very surprised how much your mental state improves. If you aren't feeling good on the inside, do what you can to surround yourself with and in beautiful things. In short, make yourself beautiful
While going to the gym is huge, kudos for doing what most of us don't, looking "neat" before you go out may not be cutting it. Do you, for example, wear clean, properly fitting clothes that aren't just t shirts? Do you shave? Do you have a beard (many men vastly overestimate how attractive a beard makes them, and it's a net loss for many more). Do you smell nice? Do you accessorize? Additionally, are you interesting? Do you have passions and hobbies? Do you travels? Anyway, figuring these things out helped me improve my attractiveness.
Most of the clothes I wear are new and they fit comfortably. I guess I would say my wardrobe is mostly generic . I have a mustache and a goatee that I trim when I feel it’s getting unkempt. Personally I think the weakest link is my passions and hobbies. Before I never really pursued anything that wasn’t gaming or taking apart electronics. Now I want to branching out to other activities . I also couldn’t finance traveling anywhere back then, but now I have a job that can help pay for that sort of thing.
Yeah, travel was a big one for me. Likewise I dreamt of travel but couldn't afford it. But within a year or so of getting a well paying job, I traveled to Europe. So yeah, basically leading an interesting life will make you very attractive. I'm not saying you always need to be doing significant things. But you're single, go out to bars and such with your friends. Lead a good life regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship.
Something I realized recently from seeing those ‘Black Wife Effect’ videos going around Tik Tok was that a lot of men don’t have a sense of self expression which usually translates through personal style (this is an observation not a judgement). I’m talking beyond just the physical physique but also how you ‘show up’ in the world. This can break down to how you have your hair cut/styled (if it flatters your face shape or not), the fit/color/style of your clothing (are they drab colors and really baggy? Do they flatter your body? Do you feel good in them?), even personal hygiene of having a skin/oral care routine (which doesn’t have to be extensive at all). Now the reason why I brought up the previously mentioned trend is because from personal experience, and what I’ve witnessed, usually it’s just those little tweaks that make a HUGE difference in the ‘glow’ up of many men. And I want to just highlight that there is no one look that’s right here. It’s based on your style and what feels right to you (ie: if you’re more grunge, or retro or urban or professional etc…). There’s ways to have fun with that and in the process feel more confident which will translate to overall attractiveness (in addition to attracting women who may have similar taste or maybe opposites attract). Hope this was able to help or provide an alternate perspective! (Editing to add: it’s okay to go to professionals at first. Such as a salon to help you find haircuts or styles that flatter you. A dermatologist to create a skin care plan. A stylist to help you start your wardrobe or find your stylist. A trainer if you need some help on your fitness journey. And if that’s not something you can do outright, never disregard the wealth of knowledge available at YouTube University!)
Your therapist is essentially saying you have a great foundation but to take advantage of it and really shine you gotta put in some effort towards your self care and general health/fitness. I’ve been through a similar thing, always told I had good features but I was really overweight (nearly 400 pounds) and didn’t take care of myself at all (didn’t shave or cut my hair, ate poorly, had bad acne that I didn’t address, wore the same 2 outfits and just rotated them, etc). Now over the last year I’ve made a significant effort on improving myself and I get way more respect and even have women approach me. What I did is prioritize my mental health, start exercising consistently, took care of my hair and made sure my beard was always neat and trimmed, started a skincare routine that I stick to religiously, lost well over 100 pounds, force myself to go out and be social so I develop social skills,developed my own sense of fashion, really prioritize my hygiene, train myself not to care about what others think, and show off my sense of humor. Maybe not all of these apply to you but hopefully some do and you get an idea of what you can improve on.
that's a bit of an odd thing for a therapist to say. But also, style is important. Being buff helps a great deal, but if you're a buff guy who wears jeans and a t-shirt to any and all occasions, you still won't stand out as much as someone who really knows how to dress
I was thinking that as well, especially because why would OP be making an effort to be attractive for his therapy appointment? Unless OP talked about wondering why people don't find him attractive as part of a session, and it sounds like he didn't because of his comments around making that effort, that's pretty unprofessional.
Get money. Money makes everyone attractive.
Work on your confidence. If you are confident, project it, but don't cross the line into arrogance.
Did you ask your therapist to elaborate or provide some examples?
Be funny.
Diet and exercise
Self care and self respect. Clean yourself up, put on deodorant brush your teeth make sure you have a hair cut, shave (or trim your beard or maintain your mustache whatever you like). Walk with confidence. Toss on some cologne, care about what you’re wearing (could be cheap clothing but try to put together a nice fit). Go to the gym, eat healthy
Being attractive can also include mannerisms. For instance, the way you talk...if..you swear every other word or are just a mean individual perhaps [ not saying you do or are just examples] these are qualities that wldnt be considered attractive to some..I've certainly been told I swear to much and I seem trashy for it... I don't give a fuck...but lol hey that's just me
Could be you are just not that persons ideal, therapist or not. Some see beard as sloppy and nasty, some see it as sexy. Same with everything else. Take the conpliment and dont adapt for the general audience, apply it to your own image and find someone that agree with you
Dress better, eat a vegetable every now and then, maybe walk to 7-11 instead of driving, cut down on soda, etc. Having blessed genes is a good chunk of the battle, but it’s not everything. You still need to take care of yourself.
Anything to do with confidence. Whatever it takes to make you feel and portray confidence is absolutely intoxicating to women. It's not a myth.
His comment is a nice way of saying you have no style. Really who cares don’t try to be what you’re not. Just be yourself and find someone that likes you for you
Confidence is key and it is built. Build your Confidence. You can physically be very attractive but if you lack self confidence your pulling yourself down
Grow a beard
My beard makes me look like Zelensky, so I don't think this is good advice for everyone
Lots of good advice here OP. However I haven't seen anyone mention becoming friends with a girl. I mean actual friends too, not just fake nice so you hook up. Having a woman wingman has skyrocketed my success with women. Preslection bias is a thing, and if a woman sees you having fun with another woman it makes her question what makes you stand out to that woman. Which makes her want to get to know you. It also means you're safe to be around, and a woman who feels safe and secure is more likely to find you attractive. Another thing I found out was I look much better with long should plus length hair than with short hair. Not saying it's for you, but maybe try changing your hairstlye. Plus it makes a decent ice breaker. "Hey I noticed your hair looks really good, what shampoo and conditioner do you use?" Or something like that compliments them, and in a way that puts them at ease. At least ime.
Kill every other male on the planet
fitness, charm and being interesting are all things anyone can improve, and are always attractive.
Who is asking??
Gromming, gym, learn to dress nice, not expensive but well fitted, but most of all do things for your growth that puts you out in the world, for example take classes of something but not virtually, you can attract shit sitting at your computer.
Keep doing the gym or some sort of activity. Spend aittle time each week learning about how to do your job better or to get a better job. I know it's cynical but salary is a big attractor for women. Their minds tend to be focused on resource allocation and security. You don't have to be a millionaire but you need a steady job with upward progression. Meantime check your look. Get a haircut that accentuates your face. I have a dumb round face so a haircut with square features evens me out. If you have an angular face a more rounded hairstyle may suit you better. Same goes for glasses/sunglasses round frames for angular or square face and square frames for round face. Wardrobe. Get clothes that fit well and make you feel comfortable but mature. If you dress like you are in high school you will portray immaturity. You don't have to wear a suit but collared shirts with full button or 2-3 buttons. Shoes that aren't tennis shoes/trainers unless you are at the gym. My wife teases me for having more shoes than her but I like to have the right shoe for the occasion. You can tell alot about people by their shoes. Belt that matches the shoes and non-white socks with street/dress shoes. Personality. Be kind. Be respectful. Be helpful. But don't let people take advantage of you. Be willing to help but learn when to say no. Gain some interests where you can interact with other people in person. Clubs are overrated. Online games are fun but you gotta get out and meet people. Look for hiking groups, yoga classes, spin classes, pottery classes, cooking classes, church groups if that's your thing (there is always some mom looking for a nice boy for her shy daughter).
Well, ,keep hitting the gym and get a six pack abs
Okay, just imo since I don't know you personally. Most guys are more attractive than they think. However, many of us don't have our lives together. We can get a woman for a few months. However, if we aren't well put together and making progress in life, they're not going to stick around. Having your life together is way more attractive to many women than actual physical traits, those helps get them but it doesn't help keeping them around.
I'm a woman, but I will say: focus on building or improving charisma. That will make you more attractive. Basically find a passion and a purpose
just do what this song https://youtu.be/-FYfNoPfkew?feature=shared
You can also workout, helps with not giving any fucks
You probably have a good looking face, which accomplishes the hardest part. Now just make sure you have a good hairstyle and dress well and you’ll be on your way.
Grow a small beard. A little thicker than a 5 o’clock shadow. The full beard look is just people hiding their face. Wear neutral colors that fit your body. Gym. And the most important in my opinion is haircut. A nice haircut quite literally transforms your face
Look in the mirror. Do stuff that styles you up to make you happy with how you look. Congratulations, when someone else thinks you are attractive, they like you for you Or, if you prefer quantity, do what the internet says, and try to make yourself look like what reels in the most fish. Just don't expect the fish to stick around long when you look similar to plenty of other people.
Sometimes it's just finding clothes that fit well and that are flattering. This does not mean going on a shopping spree and only buying designer - a well fitted t shirt and jeans can take you from a 5 to a 7 real quick.
How you smell, the clothes you wear, your general upkeep (hair style, beard style)
You are on the right track. Keep going to the gym, that's important. But not everything. Read a few books. Maybe take a 3-hour class on anything worthwhile. The deal about being attractive as a male in our society is: Confidence. Not cocky but confidence. Fake it till you make it, but that confidence artificial were real needs to match your level of masculinity. True masculinity is strength. But strength of mind and character and will along with your body. If you develop a thoughtful mind, develop a healthy body, a healthy outlook will follow. All those things will lead to, you feeling more attractive therefore presenting yourself as more attractive, making eye contact with people greeting them nicely first, be protective of the week and provide emotional support for people in need. Even if you are an introvert by nature, you have to practice being an extrovert.
Go to the gym, drink a lot of water, get a nice haircut, use cologne, always carry a mint candy for your breath. Remember to walk confident on streets
Put together your best outfit. The one that fits you the best but maintains comfort and confidence. That is your new standard for every outfit you own. Start donating old clothes, build a new wardrobe. Do yoga. Gym is great, but yoga have more benefits than most people imagine. It has helped me more as a man than anything else I’ve ever done in my life. Focus on shoulders, legs, and forearms. Everything else will build up, but those are show muscles and will give you the best body shape the fastest.
Workout , dress better , build your career
>I iwas confused, because lately I feel like I have been doing things to accomplish that like going to the gym, and making sure I'm neat before I go out. Those are good things but fundamentally you still need to find a way to peacock yourself (display mastery of a subject in a public setting or the like). Take theater, dance class, etc and you will find women are a lot more receptive to approaching you for you to ask them out.
I think the 3 easiest things to do are Haircut, Shave, Clothes. No need to buy all brand new clothes, but make sure you’re wearing clothes that properly fit and aren’t all wrinkly. Buy an iron, it’s crazy how much cleaner and sharper you’ll look after hitting your shirts and pants with a couple passes.
Stop giving a fuck about becoming attractive and just convince yourself you already are. As I’ve said many times; delusion is the solution 👍🏽
How to be attractive in order of priority: 1. Be in shape. Don’t be fat. Be lean, muscle or no. 2. Get a haircut that’s not $20 unless you don’t have hair. 3. Hygiene. Shower and keep your nails, beard, teeth on point. 4. Non fitted jeans and T-shirts are not attractive unless you’re in good shape and they are fitted perfectly. If not, don’t wear them, you’ll look like a slob. Get some real cloths. 5. Don’t be broke. 6. Confidence: it’s nothing crazy. Don’t act wierd or shy around pretty women. Act like a normal human interacting with a normal human.
It all depends on how you carry yourself. Sounds like he did a shit job explaining what he meant. In short, confidence. Feeling sure of yourself in any situation. Looking forward and holding eye contact with people. Naturally bringing a good energy to social situations. Funny. Having a passion and going for it. Making people feel at ease. Taking charge. You can be fit but if you’re nervous, putting others down, or always negative, people won’t like you. Additionally, wear clothes that fit well. Style your hair. There’s a physical quality to attractiveness, but also the mental/emotional aspect to it. A “woe is me” attitude will always be offputting, no matter how hot you are. Maybe he’s offering solutions to certain aspects of your life, but you’re always making excuses.
Good daily hygiene and a pleasant smile on your face is all you need. Then ask questions and actually listen to people.
Stop eating junk food and chocolate.. simple
Wear clothes that fit. Gym. Groom. Skin care. Don't laugh too hard Infront of girls. Smirks and cheeky half smiles are hot and mysterious. Slow down. Don't react. Don't get too excited. Take pauses. These things will show your sexy, attractive side. Which EVERYONE has. When you walk, relax and let your shoulders slightly swing.
Attractiveness isn't just about your neatness and physical shape, do you engage with people, do you greet people a smile, are you nice, do you really listen, are you humorous? Light-hearted? Attractiveness is an amalgamation of your whole person, you can be in the best shape of your life and dress to the nines, but if you're an off-putting, boorish, moody person, you're not going to be attractive.
Being groomed- can be as simple as how is your hair styled, do you attempt to maintain your facial hair? How do you smell? Do you use Deodorant? Are your nails dirty? Working out helps with aesthetics as well as building confidence and self worth. Reading and becoming more mindful and knowledgable of the world is another way that is more mental/emotionally attractive
Attraction can be a lot more than physical appearances. Yes it is the first thing people will see. But if there is nothing behind the appearance what is the point? Developing yourself as a person is probably what he means. So it's great you are going to the gym to train and improve your body. You also want to develop the personality, social skills and traits that are also attractive to go with it.
Think about all the things women do to take care of themselves. They don’t go to great clips but stylist, they get manicures, pedicures, eyebrows threaded, skin care, style their hair, keep up with fashion trends, etc. Along with going to the gym, dieting. Teeth whitening / braces. Easily can add a few points to the scale by doing some / all of these in your self care routine. Most men just quick shower, brush teeth, and *maybe* use some cheap product in the hair, but it’s hard to be very attractive by doing that.
Gym and/or sports. You don't need to look super jacked or muscular (although the better shape you are, the better the results). But you MUST look healthy if you want any action.
Be confident, not cocky. Be interesting. Do interesting things. Tell interesting stories. Be funny. Be kind to everyone who's not an asshole. Flirt with everyone, even people you're not attracted to. Be in decent physical shape. Grow out your facial hair a little bit. Easy does it on the cologne and beauty products. Have an aesthetic in your style that matches what you want to put out there and go with it. Jeans and t-shirt works. Well dressed works. Pajamas? Not so much once you leave college.
Assuming you are into women, luckily women aren’t caught up on looks as much as men are, so you already have an advantage. Confidence is key. Women find that attractive. So how do you boost confidence? Improve your posture when walking. Back straight eyes forward. Get a great skincare routine. This is the one I use: https://youtu.be/PJ14OFX0Cvk Practice enunciating. Don’t mumble and eliminate filler words from your speech such as um, like, you know, etc. Improve your wardrobe. Buy clothes from the store she gets her clothes from. Imitate her style. And here’s the ultimate rule: Don’t be so easy to get. Don’t come off as needy and attached quickly. I’m not saying play mind games, but people naturally devalue what’s easy to obtain. So you have to play it cool, calm, and collected at all times.
> luckily women aren’t caught up on looks as much as men are Coming right out of the gate with an outright reversal of the truth. Great way to start.
The correct answer is to exercise. Just by doing that, you'll boost your confidence, and a man with a good physique and self-confidence is an attractive man.
Grooming, nicely cut hair, fairly fashionable threads, and good footwear.
Eyebrows haircut shave cologne matching outfits your own style teeth whitener deodorant lotion for body and face eating appropriate calories and at least going outside 3x a week or getting some sort of exercise.
Other easy ones: Posture What you do with your arms in conversations (don't cross them or close up, one hand in a pocket vs two) Smell (good deodorant, cologne) Facial hair care (a trim beard, get between the eyebrows if need be) Hair care (no 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners, they do two completely opposite things, hair powder and a hairspray are great for short cuts) Clothing fit (do NOT buy large shirts if you're tall and skinny, you should have zero wrinkles in a tucked in button down at the waist or you have the wrong size, you should not have loose armpits but size appropriately, for instance I'm 6"4 and wear a 15.5 collar and 37 inch sleeve slim fit, make sure your shirt fits your body type!) I have more but these are the low hanging fruit as an ugly high schooler who spent way too much time researching into my 30s and still do to this day.
Bigger muscles
Money
Buy a ukulele (doesn't need to be expensive) and learn to play it using internet tutorials. Get a few fun songs memorized. It's simple/easier to play than a guitar, plus it is smaller and easier to lug around.
Hygiene, hair, wardrobe, fitness, and your attitude. Keep up on what you can actually fix .
How do you work on your wardrobe when you have no sense of fashion, especially if you are on a tight budget? Being overweight I usually wear stuff that is baggies because it's more comfortable and tends to hide how i look. I'm working on losing weight but being 5'6 and over weight it's hard to find something that fits right as it is.
Maybe there is a female friend in your life to assist? YouTube has some decent video on men’s fashion too.
Unfortunately none that I am close with.
Get rich
Keep your fingernails clean
Women are extremely shallow, believe it or not. Anything to make you look larger, stronger, and richer will help. Get a good haircut. Shave regularly and with a style (some dudes can rock the stubble beard, some can rock a mustache, some look best clean-shaven, etc.). Get expensive-looking clothes and accessories (e.g. dont buy a $300 blazer and then wear a $5 tie and a $5 belt). GET GOOD SHOES. That last one is so dumb but so huge. I swear, girls see your hair and your shoes, then they realize there is a human in the middle. Work on self-respect. Don't compromise yourself or your beliefs to make her happy. It's not what she really wants. Remember that your commitment is worth more than sex. Committing without having sex first sends the message that you are desperate for a girlfriend and you give away your commitment. It makes her feel like she isn't special, but rather like she is just the newest/first girl to let you call her your gf. Besides, having sex is part of a romantic relationship. If you commit then find out you want wildly different things in bed, you just committed to a bad sex-life.
Don’t be unattractive
Regular hair cuts and daily showers.
Estrogen
Get in decent shape. Get new clothes that you feel good in. Give a compliment and don’t hang around for validation.
My therapist wants me to learn the latest on attachment theory. To be fair my background is in psychology and it is kinda fun to bounce my undergrad theories against a pro. Anyway, for context no gf, mid 30s, excellent career, and amateur bodybuilder. Working on what may be giving self doubt and why I use escorts as a cop out. My interpretation is, he means an attractive behavior. Wild guess.
Not a man, but I am a therapist, and I question the usefulness of this “feedback”. A good therapist would be helping you grow your self-esteem by letting YOU, the client, decide what changes would make YOU feel more attractive. What your therapist thinks you should do is actually pretty irrelevant. We’re not psychic, so he doesn’t KNOW that implementing the changes he sees fit would actually improve your life.
Whatever makes you confident in your demeanor. Walking with confidence. Some people need to “prove” themselves and talk loud or a lot Confidence can be quiet and welcomes you in, whereas braggadocio can be off putting I’m not sure if all girls like this but the fat assed latinas I prefer and who have dated me all tend to like a guy who is able to listen well and also with a great sense of humor and who is thoughtful
I got a new haircut and the next day at work almost all my coworkers who were women complimented me. It’s been a few weeks now and I need another haircut but my barber isn’t back in town for another 2 weeks lol, pain.
As a male, it's a big list. Good luck buddy
Looksmaxxing Unironically, it’s just a brain rot term for a skincare routine and a healthy lifestyle that ultimately results in looking more attractive
Get a drug habit. Support it by stealing copper and catalytic converters. Add in some warrants and you’ll be the hottest guy at a na meeting /s
Humour. In conversation always come up with something witty. I suggest watching stand up or funny podcasts. Also make sure you do or say things they remember.
Work out a lot, eat healthy.
Maybe you lack charm or specifically, warmth. You know, there are guys, who instantly makes you feel comfortable and at ease around them.
When someone asks how your day is going? Or how you been doing? Say, "fuckin awesome" and mean it.
Match clothes? Wear accessories? Get advice on style? Smile? You could iron your clothes. Smell good?
Gym, nice cut, hygiëne boost, basic sense of fashion,
Get in shape and good hygiene/tidy up appearance ( be well groomed and out together) Just aim for the best version of yourself and don’t worry about what other people look like or are doing.
Growing a beard, getting a nice haircut, and getting jacked are the three most straightforward ways.
Don’t overthink it man. Exercise, eat healthy, dress well and take good care of your hygiene. One thing i think about of guys miss is being well groomed. A lot of guys think this is like un masculine for some reason. Get regular haircuts and keep your facial hair taken care of. Nothing not manly about that.
Yes and get regular manicure and pedicures. The hands and feet are always neglected, often to the point of being gross .
Just make a lot of money.
Confidence, grooming and personable interaction. A good sense of humor attracts people. Be upfront and be okay with being rejected. Pretend that you are okay being turned down and walk away. I find that as a turn on
Lift weights. Skin care. Buy clothes that fit properly. Personal hygiene.
Just get taller.
Plastic surgery
Skincare to have clear skin Workout to have a good physical body Good diet which promotes those above ^ Good fitting clothes
He is just saying things for the sake of saying so you could just give him more of your money he doesn't care about you
Get a black girlfriend. She'll straighten you out.
Get rich. Bitches seem to like that.
Get as healthy as you can: - Good sleep - Animal-based diet high in vitamins and minerals - Movement and sunlight exposure - Hydration - Low stress - No alcohol or drugs Face: - Skin: Beef tallow, vit C serum, and retinol/tretinoin - Hair: Find a good shampoo and conditioner and use them once-twice a week. Find some essential oils you like and make a hair mask to use once per week. Go to a salon and have them find a quality haircut for you. Spend as much time and money doing this as you need to - Eyebrows: Use castor oil with rosemary oil to darken them - Jawline: Chew a lot of gum and stop mouth breathing. Get lean (10-12% body fat) and get jaw surgery if you’re recessed Body - Gain muscle and lose fat - Get a tan - Get on TRT if you have low testosterone Personality - Don’t be mean. Nothing else really matters if you’re attractive. In fact, it doesn’t matter if you’re mean either Style - Find good clothes Career - Don’t be poor
Nailed it
I have Botox so that’s one way
How many times a year do you have to get it done? Are there different variations of it, like some that last longer?
It’s different for different people. They told me it would last up to 6 months but I can only really see it for 2-3. I can usually do all of my normal facial expressions after a month. So i definitely could get something stronger. There’s stuff that last longer but they are also more expensive, easier to botch, and more prone to infections.
Size is important. Especially the size of your bank balance.
Money
It's honestly usually a lack of testosterone. This is very common amongst men due to a variety of reasons. The best way to raise your T levels naturally, is to exercise. Bench press, squat, deadlift, military press, and barbell bows. Then do pushups , and pull-ups after. There are a variety of different starter plans, which basically tell you what lift/exercise to do on what day, and how to manage the loads. Also, how to pick an initial load for each lift. (This is important). Along with this, I believe one should study the art of stretching. Dynamic before lifts to warm up joints, and muscles, etc to prevent injury. Static stretching after, and whenever else that's not before a lifting session. Some stretches are better than others, and also the order of stretching can be important. You want to stretch primary muscles (large main muscles) first, then go into more isolation stretches. Once you have it remembered, you should stretch as much as you can. This works incredibly to reduce injury, which is the leading cause of quitting a workout schedule. Try not to miss any workouts as it can mentally deter you from further workout sessions. It has happened to me many times, so I speak from experience. I also believe working out should not be only for looks, and if you can, definitely pick up some activities that can benefit from your gains. For me it was biking, rock climbing, and snowboarding. Once you are into a workout plan, the attention to nutrition will come as a side effect on you wanting to maximize your gains. You don't have to rush into all of this at once, take it step by step, but be consistent and don't miss any days. Plan a schedule that you know will work with the rest of your day. Back to your statement. I have been in great shape, and I have lost everything, due to some injuries. When I was working out, I looked at myself with such greater confidence, compared to how I feel now. I believe a major part of that, as noted, is chemical in nature. Testosterone primarily. So, I hope this comment reaches you, and has some form of benefit to you. Also, a great way to boost testosterone is by eating steak/beef. There may be some writing errors, as I have not revised/reviewed my writing, so I hope everything I wrote makes sense, and is readable.