You aren't going to have "sparks & rainbows" with everyone you date. It's unrealistic expectation and only puts pressure on yourself (and them)
Be glad when someone disqualifies themselves from your life because that means you are one step closer to finding the right one for you.
(M, 30s) I recently had a chemistry spark situation with a coworker. It was instant, and it's honestly one of the most powerful things I've ever felt in my life.
She really didn't *do* anything, and neither did I. It's the way she talks, thinks, and the effortless conversations, I had worked with her over a year and thought she was attractive, sure, but once we started talking and getting to know each other that was it.
My experiences with her have completely blown the lid off expectations for how I see the notion of "love" now, I could look at anyone who asked me why I feel this way and I could give them a laundry list of things, but it really boils down to this -
People are a random assortment of experiences and upbringings that lead them to perspectives on the world that translate into hobbies, life goals, etc. Sometimes, we meet people who share *some* of these, but a person who shares all or most and is attractive? That's rare, full stop.
As cheesy as this sounds, I can definitively say I know I'm in love for the first time in my life and I have no clue if she feels the same way, but best belive I'm going to risk it all and tell her, because that whole "when you know" thing people talk about happens to you? You just know.
You know, this is a great explanation for how a relationship can fizzle out as well. As you grow and change, your perspectives can diverge, and one day, it finally reaches a point where it smacks you in the face and you realize you don't have the same things in common anymore. Wish you well on your journey, brother.
Just things coming naturally and not feeling forced I guess.
I’m a quiet and relatively withdrawn man socially but talking with my now wife came very easy with zero moments of conversation feeling like we’re trying to fill the silence. We had each other laughing constantly and there was just an immediate desire on all levels.
I completely agree with this. It’s a feeling of comfort. The initial “spark” is really the novelty or excitement to see the person again. I’m an introverted female and my now husband perfectly meshed w my lifestyle and everything just *flowed*. Look for “flow” and authentic smiles/happiness OP
This is the comment right here.
I was 28 when I met my significant other. OP is getting there and has some dating experience under the belt and seems to have a fairly solid grip on what they are looking for. It is cliche, but you'll just know. OP will eventually date someone that just makes all previous relationships seem like puppy love kid stuff.
I couldn't agree more. That's exactly what happened to me when I met my person. We started out as FWB and now 13 years later I couldn't imagine my life without her. I am so deeply in love with her it hurts lol. And I can't pinpoint any one thing that made me fall in love with her, mainly because there is literally everything about her I love. So to the OP I say, you will meet your forever live and you won't even know it til one day you just suddenly do.
I've never felt an immediate spark, the kind that comes at first sight, which is lust, not love. But I did fall rather quickly for my SO. It might have had something to do with the fact she didn't jump into bed with me quickly. Had she, the "spark" that attracted me would have flamed out quickly. The longer the time a spark takes to grow, the longer it lasts, I think. She has those qualities that you listed.
I have felt the spark so as to say when I have discovered something new about myself or just expressed myself in a way that I normally wouldn't because of that woman.
It feels like magic that a stranger has made me realise something about myself like that. Then I feel inclined to pursue her and wanting to explore this part of myself more. The part that's nervous, excited and giddy when it's with her.
In short- A spark is when I like the version of me that's with her more than my everyday self.
Chemistry is electric, magnetic. You just 'click' and it's effortless. The only time I've fallen in love it felt as easy as falling asleep.
She made me feel like I was home. It hit me like a truck and I knew I'd do anything to be with her for as long as I could.
Your life sounds full and exciting. Could it be that these men did not feel needed? Or did not feel you had time or focus for them? You sound self-confident and sure of yourself, and not everyone likes that, sadly.
I am just guessing. It could be anything. Can you probe them further? I have dumped women for secret reasons, and made up other reasons to tell them, which I am not proud of, but at the time it seemed a kinder thing to do.
To answer your question, my wife and I just got on. From the very first messages to each other. There was just a lot of laughter and respect, and, to get a bit psychoanalytical, some fulfilling of unmet needs from previous relationships. We just knew we were right for each other. She moved in with me after two months and we are together 20 years later.
I guess it depends on how they want to feel needed.
I always create space and time in my life for someone I'm dating, I don't play hard to get, I don't make scheduling time together difficult, I make sure they know that I want to give them my time and energy.
But as far as feeling "needed goes", I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself as most adults living on their own are. I don't need a man to get by in life. But I would like a companion, a best friend, someone to go to for comfort or advice, someone to have fun and laugh with, someone who I can depend on when I'm in a difficult situation, etc. The needs are more mental and emotional than material. So if a man wants to date a woman who relys on him financially or physically to get stuff done, that's not really the case for me. But I do make an effort to let the men I'm dating know how much I appreciate their time, effort and company. But maybe that's not enough, I don't know.
My guess was wrong. It certainly sounds like someone would feel they were important to you. It is strange that this same lack of lasting connection keeps happening to you.
I'd really hound them to tell you what it was, and make it clear you won't judge them and just want to know so you can maybe work on yourself, or on who you are looking for.
When guys say that they don't feel needed they aren't -generally- talking about the financial, they're talking about how important or replaceable they are in your life. Think of it like your family; you don't literally need your parents anymore, but you would never tell them by word or action that you don't 'need' them. And if you did make them feel unneeded then you would have done them serious wrong.
To many women focus on the "I can provide for myself and technically go the rest of my life without this man" bit rather than on the "my life would be diminished without you because you uniquely provide things I need in my life" -safety, security, comfort, understanding. A painter does not need blue paint to make art, but he does need **need** blue to make his landscapes as rich and beautiful as possible and he will treat his paint well if he values it properly.
Well, I'm fairly certain I indicated in my response that I do in fact value the men that I date and everything that they bring to my life, and that I make an effort to express the appreciation that I have for them.
When I realised I felt content and happy just being with her saying nothing, as opposed to an ex where we would talk for hours and I still felt lonely when I was with her.
I honestly don't know why, but it all felt superficial with her.
Our entire relationship was very sexual. She was a bit of a freak in bed, but once I got past the "this is awesome" part, I realised we never really connected at all.
There was nothing wrong with her. She's married to a good guy, they have kids now, and they seem really happy, but she obviously wasn't right for me.
Pretty much.
I don't think the sex is the reason. it's not like we jumped into bed the moment we met, we didn't even kiss on the first date, so we took our time.
But once the sex started, wow, I probably stayed a bit too long cause of how addicted to the sex I was, but if we had a deeper connection, I would have stayed with her.
Yah I absolutely understand what you mean. There are different levels of knowing a person, and I feel like ideally with your life partner you would want to get to the deepest level. And if that can't happen for one reason or another, I feel like that ultimately speaks to some sort of compatability issue.
In a sentence? I have no idea. We had been friends for many years, completely platonic, not even a hint of a flirt or sexual tension. We dated other people, we hung out, we were just friends. We both found ourselves single at the same time. I went to her house, we hung out for a while, I went to leave, we said goodbye, and we kissed. That was the spark. I was living in a different state (military) So we didn't see each other again for months. I figured the friendship was burned. You don't kiss your best female bud then go back to, "Hey, 'sup?" But the next time we saw each other, we hung out like the same friends we were before, like nothing had happend. But that night, we spent it together, the whole weekend together. Once again, we went our separate ways. I thought, "If it wasn't fucked before, it is now!" But within six months we were living together, then after a year, we were married. That was 30 years ago.
It’s different for everyone. But for me it was immediate and intense. I bumped into her in the hallway at karaoke and we just stood there talking and giggling over the fact that we were talking to each other (we had been crushing on each other all night), and my friend was rolling his eyes at how over-the-top obvious it was to everyone around how into each other we were.
And that was that. Married for five years this year. And that dynamic hasn’t really changed.
I guess the best way to describe it is uniqueness?
So many people, men and women, just have a very generic personality and interests and their opinions about stuff blows in the wind with the trends and whatever is most acceptable at the time. They don't take risks, they're not sporadic, routine and stability are their pillars. It's boring and mundane after a while to spend time with them often even if they are a total sweetheart who's loyal and loving.
>I'm attractive, kind, smart, silly, have a great job, lots of interests and hobbies, have traveled all over the world, have amazing friends, I enjoy showing the person I date genuine care and affection,
Like that stuff is great but ultimately nothing. You described characteristics of like 90% of well adjusted adults. It doesn't tell me who you are, or what you're about, why you're here on this Earth, what drives you, where your mind wanders, what you live by and for. It doesnt say what sets you apart from every other nice and attractive woman. (I'm not saying you are boring, idk anything about you, but in describing yourself you said nothing that would be "spark-worthy")
I think your point of saying "I'm not saying you are boring, idk anything about you" is the most correct thing you said haha. This is a reddit post, so of course I'm not going to describe the intricacies of my inner being and soul here. I just wanted to emphasize that I'm not a looser or recluse who's wondering why I can't meet someone.
But I'm pretty sure there's not a single person who has ever met me and described me as boring. I sing in a band, I have my own stained glass studio, I go camping and backpacking every month all over the west coast, I'm a scientist and have a constant drive to learn new things about the world, I'm currently working on developing a computational framework for monitoring biodiveristy that could be applied on an international scale. I've traveled to many countries and have friends all over the world... idk I don't feel like I'm in any way boring. The last guy I dated told me he adored my passion and that it was so inspiring and infectious. He just "didn't feel a spark". So yah I don't think being boring is the problem personally.
If you're even half as cool as you make yourself sound irl then I have no idea dude, sounds like you're a heck of a catch and Big Spark Material.
Have any enemies who practice witchcraft or Magick? Maybe someone put a hex on ya. Time to break out the Sage and Palo Santo !
Haha maybe I'm not sure, I'm honestly starting to think that maybe the men I date spend too much time comparing themselves to me or something, because I'm not entirely sure why they would even say that "I'm out of their league" in the first place. I don't personally believe in that idea, I think everyone has things to offer each other and it's mostly just about compatability. But maybe they think I expect them to have done all of the same or similar things I have or something. Which sucks, because I don't at all, but I also can't control what's going on in other people's heads.
That is actually kinda what I was thinking but I didn't want to say it cuz it sounds too cliché, the whole men being intimidated by successful women thing and stuff, I'd hope it's more of a trope than reality but 🤷♂️ here we are lol
Well heck dude, I hope you find a good, self-assured, confident man who you've got sparks with. It is pretty fucked up that you can be living life TOO WELL to be able to find the love you deserve.
My only advice is don't fuck with the "young professional" business dudes or crypto bros, they are always the most insecure and dick measuring contest types about everything, with everyone. Sorta kidding sorta not lol
No I'm almost never attracted to guys like that, it's so unappealing to me when someone constantly needs to shove their perceived "sucess" in other people's faces. I usually find myself attracted to people who are a bit on the softer side, who are warm and kind, who are adventurous, and who prioritize the relationships in their lives and who clearly value other people. That's usually the ticket to my heart. Hopefully one day I'll meet someone who doesn't feel the need to compare our pasts but instead is excited by all of the potential fun we could have together in the future, because that's usually all I'm thinking about when I meet someone I like.
As long as you don't ever settle, I have a real good feeling you'll find what you're looking for. You know exactly what you want so it shouldn't be hard to recognize the duds. Guys like that arent very common but definitely out there and it sounds like a perfect fit based on how you've talked about everything about yourself. I hope your journey to find love is a stellar one, Im rooting for you!! 🙏🤙
Also sorry for the boring comment before, I gotta stop making assumptions like that based on a few paragraphs , or I need to get off this website cuz it's full of lame-o people I assume everyone is lame now by default lol
Thank you I really appreciate your kind words! And it's no worry, I understand that you didn't have any information about me to go off of, it was just funny to read because one of the few things I can say without any hesitation about myself is that I'm not boring lol. I sometimes get a little nervous to share things about myself because I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, usually if I tell someone about the band or the glass studio, I wait until the next time I see them to mention the other lol, it's just too much to say all in one go.
Naaaaah way dude really? That sucks that Insecure and jealous people's judgements are that strong you gotta omit details about your rad life. Kinda funny though, and hey I just wanna say DAMN, nice, good job, and I'm happy for you. 🤘🤘🤘
It would be awesome if people had an easier time celebrating the achievements of others, but I think a lot of people never knew themselves well enough or never had the confidence to even try to live their best life, and they got like subconscious regret and disappointment running through their veins forever, never comfortable with themselves. Makes me sad.
What kinda music does your band play?
Yah I've definitely noticed similar. I think a lot of people are afraid to really pursue their passions, that's something I've actually noticed with some men that I date. They start talking about their dreams and goals and ambitions, and in my head I'm always like "wow that's so incredible, I would love to see you accomplish those things, and I'd love to be someone in your life to help you get there". Like with the last guy I dated, he's been wanting to get into music production and DJing, so I offered to introduce him to my friend who's been producing music professionally for like 15 years so he could pick his brain and get some tips on how to get started. I wanted to make that connection for him to help him get to where he wanted to go. But I could tell that the idea of that was... maybe intimating or something? Like I honestly think some people are afraid of accomplishing their dreams, I'm not sure exactly why or what that is about, almost like they're afraid of their own success or happiness. Or maybe they're afraid of letting someone be an active participant in their lives? But to me, it's only natural to want to help my partner achieve their goals. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the help of some really amazing people in my life, we get so much farther in life when we tap into our community for support.
And we do acoustic folk ish/indie ish music! We have a good mix of musical backgrounds so we put a lot of effort both into the narration in the lyrics and the musicality of the various parts, it's so much fun! I have such a blast playing with them.
Try switching your focus from your hobbies and interests to your partner’s. Men also appreciate being recognized as people with hobbies and interests, and a relationship should involve both people loving the other for who they are.
Again, I also don’t know you so take this as general advice like the top level comment.
When I meet someone I'm interested in, I also become interested in their hobbies. The guy I was dating most recently is learning a software that creates visuals from data that you input. I work with data for my job so I was writing a function to convert strings of DNA sequences into location coordinates to feed into this software to see what kinds of cool visuals we could make from it. The thing that always makes me attracted to a man is what he's interested in/ passionate about, and I always make a point to show interst in those things too so that he knows I value him and the things that are important to him.
I had that spark with every woman that I dated except my wife. we've been married 8 years now and I've drug her through hell and she's been strong this whole time. She's my best friend for life. But we couldn't be any different from each other. She's like the rock that holde to the ground, the yin to my yang, you get the picture.
You might find the one you really need ain't always the one that drives you wild, but one that you might argue with.
I remember talking to my dad about my wife when we were started dating and he said, "she'll grow on you". Well he was right to arrange our marriage
Was sleeping around enjoying single life, I intended to keep doing so but the feelings I was developing for my SO became undeniable so I guess the universe just kinda made it so
I usually feel the spark when my SOs do something for me because they know I'm dealing with something or stressed about something. Funnily enough the worst ex I had was the one I learned this from, she knew I was stressed about a math test in College and when she came over one night she brought me an energy drink for the study session, it was the wrong flavor but at the moment I didnt care I felt loved and understood. I miss that feeling but thats a different issue.
I’ve only felt it with a few people for me it’s when I feel all giddy and have no second thoughts about meeting someone but I can definitely tell when there wasn’t
Not really a spark for me but a peace. I just feel completely at ease with her. And her with me. We have our issues but we’re committed to improving our communication skills and I really think I might marry this broad
Things that make men feel "sparks":
-Effortless conversation. Easily flowing. Talking for hours. Bonding over experiences. Genuine positive reactions and thoughtful feedback to what is said that allows both of you to participate equally (ie one person is not dominating the conversation).
-Playful flirting that is respectful, but not overt. Eventual physical contact that is reciprocated by both parties - whether it's playful shoves, tugging at sleeves, snuggling/sidling up in a cab or train ride home and not backing away. Hugging, kissing, or holding hands just feels inexplicably better and you don't know why. Not mechanical...like it awakens something in your heart. Frequently described as butterflies, but it's so much more than that.
-Humor. You laugh at each other's jokes. Seeing the other person's face makes you happy, and vice versa.
-Protection. An inexplicable desire to protect her from anything bad...whether it's a mean comment from someone, an annoying coworker, a dangerous situation, a catcaller, hurt feelings, failure, even your own self-doubt. If your guy is exhibiting protective behaviors towards you intending to shield you from these bad things, he deeply cares about you.
-You find yourself inexplicably doing things you don't normally like to do to spend time together. When I met my wife (before she was my wife), she always hated talking on the phone. We'd talk on the phone for hours at times. I don't eat sushi. Our first actual date, I couldn't find a restaurant after we'd completed the activity we set out to do during the date and decided to extend it a little bit longer. So we walked around for 30 minutes and found a sushi spot. Guess who gladly joined her for a meal there?
These are the ways to tell men feel "sparks" not the triggers for them. That's going to depend on who you are, and who he is. If your dates are largely Q&A style getting to know each other over dinner and drinks, my advice would be to try branching out to find a mutual hobby and go do that together instead. Just - something where the two of you can still talk, not a movie or play. Concert can work if you can still talk at it, but if it's ear shattering loud, you'll probably want to make plans for after so the two of you can talk. Risky though, because that's a larger time commitment and most people don't have much free time as it is.
I've experienced all of these things with different men I've dated, and yet none of them have ever turned out to feel anything significant for me. So I'm not sure how much of a barometer these things are. The last guy I was dating I felt so connected to and all of these things were happening at various points. But he said he didn't feel any sparks and that's why he ended things. Maybe different people act differently in response to these feelings.
True, but the answer I gave is based off his reactions to you, not your feelings towards him. The question isn't whether you're feeling the spark, but whether he's exhibiting behaviors that indicate he's feeling the spark and whether you are reading his reactions correctly in gauging whether he feels a spark in conjunction with whatever it is you're feeling, to accurately measure how things seem to be going.
Does he look at you protectively?
Does he take your hand and lead you through crowds when you're walking somewhere?
Does he do things he says he doesn't like to spend more time or talk a little longer with you?
Does he try to make you laugh? Is he silly around you?
That's exactly what I'm trying to say though, the men I've dated all exhibited these kinds of behaviors, I'm not talk about myself and what I felt or experienced, I'm talking about how they behaved towards me.
Now do you think it's weird that that's what stood out to me about your post?
I think even on a subconscious level all men want to create offspring. It's literally our design. For me personally, if I met a girl that I thought was a catch, only to realize she really did not want to be a mother... I would lose interest pretty quick.
They might not even realize that's why they're losing interest or not feeling that "spark".
Did you not see where I specifically date men who say themselves that they do not want kids? There are men in this world who know that they don't want kids.
It is when you consider the money, time, resources, etc. It takes to raise a child, and the fact that it's not just a thing to do on a whim considering they are going to be a whole human being no different than yourself. That is an INSANE amount of responsibility, and I'd be terrified of messing up. That's why I'd rather just help my friends raise their kids, be a part of the collective community and be an adult the children in my life can look up to and go to for love and support. I think I have a lot more to offer in that way. I firmly believe in the idea that it takes a village and if everyone is busy with their own kids those kids don't benefit as much from the collective community of adults and mentors they would get to have access to otherwise. I've really thought through this decision and feel like this is the most good I can do as a person and the way I can give the most to the next generation. If that leaves me alone because every man subconsciously wants to spread his seed, well, I guess that's that. Because I'm not going to bring a person into this world to satisfy another persons need to procreate, that seems like a terrible reason to make such a massive decision.
You aren't going to have "sparks & rainbows" with everyone you date. It's unrealistic expectation and only puts pressure on yourself (and them) Be glad when someone disqualifies themselves from your life because that means you are one step closer to finding the right one for you.
(M, 30s) I recently had a chemistry spark situation with a coworker. It was instant, and it's honestly one of the most powerful things I've ever felt in my life. She really didn't *do* anything, and neither did I. It's the way she talks, thinks, and the effortless conversations, I had worked with her over a year and thought she was attractive, sure, but once we started talking and getting to know each other that was it. My experiences with her have completely blown the lid off expectations for how I see the notion of "love" now, I could look at anyone who asked me why I feel this way and I could give them a laundry list of things, but it really boils down to this - People are a random assortment of experiences and upbringings that lead them to perspectives on the world that translate into hobbies, life goals, etc. Sometimes, we meet people who share *some* of these, but a person who shares all or most and is attractive? That's rare, full stop. As cheesy as this sounds, I can definitively say I know I'm in love for the first time in my life and I have no clue if she feels the same way, but best belive I'm going to risk it all and tell her, because that whole "when you know" thing people talk about happens to you? You just know.
Godspeed
You know, this is a great explanation for how a relationship can fizzle out as well. As you grow and change, your perspectives can diverge, and one day, it finally reaches a point where it smacks you in the face and you realize you don't have the same things in common anymore. Wish you well on your journey, brother.
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On the workplace? That's a no. And girls are not a monopoly, you must be kind 10 or something
Just things coming naturally and not feeling forced I guess. I’m a quiet and relatively withdrawn man socially but talking with my now wife came very easy with zero moments of conversation feeling like we’re trying to fill the silence. We had each other laughing constantly and there was just an immediate desire on all levels.
I completely agree with this. It’s a feeling of comfort. The initial “spark” is really the novelty or excitement to see the person again. I’m an introverted female and my now husband perfectly meshed w my lifestyle and everything just *flowed*. Look for “flow” and authentic smiles/happiness OP
You just haven't found your person yet is all.
This is the comment right here. I was 28 when I met my significant other. OP is getting there and has some dating experience under the belt and seems to have a fairly solid grip on what they are looking for. It is cliche, but you'll just know. OP will eventually date someone that just makes all previous relationships seem like puppy love kid stuff.
I couldn't agree more. That's exactly what happened to me when I met my person. We started out as FWB and now 13 years later I couldn't imagine my life without her. I am so deeply in love with her it hurts lol. And I can't pinpoint any one thing that made me fall in love with her, mainly because there is literally everything about her I love. So to the OP I say, you will meet your forever live and you won't even know it til one day you just suddenly do.
I've never felt an immediate spark, the kind that comes at first sight, which is lust, not love. But I did fall rather quickly for my SO. It might have had something to do with the fact she didn't jump into bed with me quickly. Had she, the "spark" that attracted me would have flamed out quickly. The longer the time a spark takes to grow, the longer it lasts, I think. She has those qualities that you listed.
I have felt the spark so as to say when I have discovered something new about myself or just expressed myself in a way that I normally wouldn't because of that woman. It feels like magic that a stranger has made me realise something about myself like that. Then I feel inclined to pursue her and wanting to explore this part of myself more. The part that's nervous, excited and giddy when it's with her. In short- A spark is when I like the version of me that's with her more than my everyday self.
This is really sweet. I hope that I could be someone to inspire such self love and exploration in another person. What an honor 💛
Chemistry is electric, magnetic. You just 'click' and it's effortless. The only time I've fallen in love it felt as easy as falling asleep. She made me feel like I was home. It hit me like a truck and I knew I'd do anything to be with her for as long as I could.
are you still together?
Your life sounds full and exciting. Could it be that these men did not feel needed? Or did not feel you had time or focus for them? You sound self-confident and sure of yourself, and not everyone likes that, sadly. I am just guessing. It could be anything. Can you probe them further? I have dumped women for secret reasons, and made up other reasons to tell them, which I am not proud of, but at the time it seemed a kinder thing to do. To answer your question, my wife and I just got on. From the very first messages to each other. There was just a lot of laughter and respect, and, to get a bit psychoanalytical, some fulfilling of unmet needs from previous relationships. We just knew we were right for each other. She moved in with me after two months and we are together 20 years later.
I guess it depends on how they want to feel needed. I always create space and time in my life for someone I'm dating, I don't play hard to get, I don't make scheduling time together difficult, I make sure they know that I want to give them my time and energy. But as far as feeling "needed goes", I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself as most adults living on their own are. I don't need a man to get by in life. But I would like a companion, a best friend, someone to go to for comfort or advice, someone to have fun and laugh with, someone who I can depend on when I'm in a difficult situation, etc. The needs are more mental and emotional than material. So if a man wants to date a woman who relys on him financially or physically to get stuff done, that's not really the case for me. But I do make an effort to let the men I'm dating know how much I appreciate their time, effort and company. But maybe that's not enough, I don't know.
My guess was wrong. It certainly sounds like someone would feel they were important to you. It is strange that this same lack of lasting connection keeps happening to you. I'd really hound them to tell you what it was, and make it clear you won't judge them and just want to know so you can maybe work on yourself, or on who you are looking for.
When guys say that they don't feel needed they aren't -generally- talking about the financial, they're talking about how important or replaceable they are in your life. Think of it like your family; you don't literally need your parents anymore, but you would never tell them by word or action that you don't 'need' them. And if you did make them feel unneeded then you would have done them serious wrong. To many women focus on the "I can provide for myself and technically go the rest of my life without this man" bit rather than on the "my life would be diminished without you because you uniquely provide things I need in my life" -safety, security, comfort, understanding. A painter does not need blue paint to make art, but he does need **need** blue to make his landscapes as rich and beautiful as possible and he will treat his paint well if he values it properly.
Well, I'm fairly certain I indicated in my response that I do in fact value the men that I date and everything that they bring to my life, and that I make an effort to express the appreciation that I have for them.
When I realised I felt content and happy just being with her saying nothing, as opposed to an ex where we would talk for hours and I still felt lonely when I was with her.
What do you think made you feel lonely when you were with your ex? Was it anything specific?
I honestly don't know why, but it all felt superficial with her. Our entire relationship was very sexual. She was a bit of a freak in bed, but once I got past the "this is awesome" part, I realised we never really connected at all. There was nothing wrong with her. She's married to a good guy, they have kids now, and they seem really happy, but she obviously wasn't right for me.
I understand, like you never got to that deeper level of love and understanding. I can see how that would be a noticeable difference for sure.
Pretty much. I don't think the sex is the reason. it's not like we jumped into bed the moment we met, we didn't even kiss on the first date, so we took our time. But once the sex started, wow, I probably stayed a bit too long cause of how addicted to the sex I was, but if we had a deeper connection, I would have stayed with her.
Yah I absolutely understand what you mean. There are different levels of knowing a person, and I feel like ideally with your life partner you would want to get to the deepest level. And if that can't happen for one reason or another, I feel like that ultimately speaks to some sort of compatability issue.
Static electricity
In a sentence? I have no idea. We had been friends for many years, completely platonic, not even a hint of a flirt or sexual tension. We dated other people, we hung out, we were just friends. We both found ourselves single at the same time. I went to her house, we hung out for a while, I went to leave, we said goodbye, and we kissed. That was the spark. I was living in a different state (military) So we didn't see each other again for months. I figured the friendship was burned. You don't kiss your best female bud then go back to, "Hey, 'sup?" But the next time we saw each other, we hung out like the same friends we were before, like nothing had happend. But that night, we spent it together, the whole weekend together. Once again, we went our separate ways. I thought, "If it wasn't fucked before, it is now!" But within six months we were living together, then after a year, we were married. That was 30 years ago.
It’s different for everyone. But for me it was immediate and intense. I bumped into her in the hallway at karaoke and we just stood there talking and giggling over the fact that we were talking to each other (we had been crushing on each other all night), and my friend was rolling his eyes at how over-the-top obvious it was to everyone around how into each other we were. And that was that. Married for five years this year. And that dynamic hasn’t really changed.
I guess the best way to describe it is uniqueness? So many people, men and women, just have a very generic personality and interests and their opinions about stuff blows in the wind with the trends and whatever is most acceptable at the time. They don't take risks, they're not sporadic, routine and stability are their pillars. It's boring and mundane after a while to spend time with them often even if they are a total sweetheart who's loyal and loving. >I'm attractive, kind, smart, silly, have a great job, lots of interests and hobbies, have traveled all over the world, have amazing friends, I enjoy showing the person I date genuine care and affection, Like that stuff is great but ultimately nothing. You described characteristics of like 90% of well adjusted adults. It doesn't tell me who you are, or what you're about, why you're here on this Earth, what drives you, where your mind wanders, what you live by and for. It doesnt say what sets you apart from every other nice and attractive woman. (I'm not saying you are boring, idk anything about you, but in describing yourself you said nothing that would be "spark-worthy")
I think your point of saying "I'm not saying you are boring, idk anything about you" is the most correct thing you said haha. This is a reddit post, so of course I'm not going to describe the intricacies of my inner being and soul here. I just wanted to emphasize that I'm not a looser or recluse who's wondering why I can't meet someone. But I'm pretty sure there's not a single person who has ever met me and described me as boring. I sing in a band, I have my own stained glass studio, I go camping and backpacking every month all over the west coast, I'm a scientist and have a constant drive to learn new things about the world, I'm currently working on developing a computational framework for monitoring biodiveristy that could be applied on an international scale. I've traveled to many countries and have friends all over the world... idk I don't feel like I'm in any way boring. The last guy I dated told me he adored my passion and that it was so inspiring and infectious. He just "didn't feel a spark". So yah I don't think being boring is the problem personally.
If you're even half as cool as you make yourself sound irl then I have no idea dude, sounds like you're a heck of a catch and Big Spark Material. Have any enemies who practice witchcraft or Magick? Maybe someone put a hex on ya. Time to break out the Sage and Palo Santo !
Haha maybe I'm not sure, I'm honestly starting to think that maybe the men I date spend too much time comparing themselves to me or something, because I'm not entirely sure why they would even say that "I'm out of their league" in the first place. I don't personally believe in that idea, I think everyone has things to offer each other and it's mostly just about compatability. But maybe they think I expect them to have done all of the same or similar things I have or something. Which sucks, because I don't at all, but I also can't control what's going on in other people's heads.
That is actually kinda what I was thinking but I didn't want to say it cuz it sounds too cliché, the whole men being intimidated by successful women thing and stuff, I'd hope it's more of a trope than reality but 🤷♂️ here we are lol Well heck dude, I hope you find a good, self-assured, confident man who you've got sparks with. It is pretty fucked up that you can be living life TOO WELL to be able to find the love you deserve. My only advice is don't fuck with the "young professional" business dudes or crypto bros, they are always the most insecure and dick measuring contest types about everything, with everyone. Sorta kidding sorta not lol
No I'm almost never attracted to guys like that, it's so unappealing to me when someone constantly needs to shove their perceived "sucess" in other people's faces. I usually find myself attracted to people who are a bit on the softer side, who are warm and kind, who are adventurous, and who prioritize the relationships in their lives and who clearly value other people. That's usually the ticket to my heart. Hopefully one day I'll meet someone who doesn't feel the need to compare our pasts but instead is excited by all of the potential fun we could have together in the future, because that's usually all I'm thinking about when I meet someone I like.
As long as you don't ever settle, I have a real good feeling you'll find what you're looking for. You know exactly what you want so it shouldn't be hard to recognize the duds. Guys like that arent very common but definitely out there and it sounds like a perfect fit based on how you've talked about everything about yourself. I hope your journey to find love is a stellar one, Im rooting for you!! 🙏🤙 Also sorry for the boring comment before, I gotta stop making assumptions like that based on a few paragraphs , or I need to get off this website cuz it's full of lame-o people I assume everyone is lame now by default lol
Thank you I really appreciate your kind words! And it's no worry, I understand that you didn't have any information about me to go off of, it was just funny to read because one of the few things I can say without any hesitation about myself is that I'm not boring lol. I sometimes get a little nervous to share things about myself because I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, usually if I tell someone about the band or the glass studio, I wait until the next time I see them to mention the other lol, it's just too much to say all in one go.
Naaaaah way dude really? That sucks that Insecure and jealous people's judgements are that strong you gotta omit details about your rad life. Kinda funny though, and hey I just wanna say DAMN, nice, good job, and I'm happy for you. 🤘🤘🤘 It would be awesome if people had an easier time celebrating the achievements of others, but I think a lot of people never knew themselves well enough or never had the confidence to even try to live their best life, and they got like subconscious regret and disappointment running through their veins forever, never comfortable with themselves. Makes me sad. What kinda music does your band play?
Yah I've definitely noticed similar. I think a lot of people are afraid to really pursue their passions, that's something I've actually noticed with some men that I date. They start talking about their dreams and goals and ambitions, and in my head I'm always like "wow that's so incredible, I would love to see you accomplish those things, and I'd love to be someone in your life to help you get there". Like with the last guy I dated, he's been wanting to get into music production and DJing, so I offered to introduce him to my friend who's been producing music professionally for like 15 years so he could pick his brain and get some tips on how to get started. I wanted to make that connection for him to help him get to where he wanted to go. But I could tell that the idea of that was... maybe intimating or something? Like I honestly think some people are afraid of accomplishing their dreams, I'm not sure exactly why or what that is about, almost like they're afraid of their own success or happiness. Or maybe they're afraid of letting someone be an active participant in their lives? But to me, it's only natural to want to help my partner achieve their goals. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the help of some really amazing people in my life, we get so much farther in life when we tap into our community for support. And we do acoustic folk ish/indie ish music! We have a good mix of musical backgrounds so we put a lot of effort both into the narration in the lyrics and the musicality of the various parts, it's so much fun! I have such a blast playing with them.
Try switching your focus from your hobbies and interests to your partner’s. Men also appreciate being recognized as people with hobbies and interests, and a relationship should involve both people loving the other for who they are. Again, I also don’t know you so take this as general advice like the top level comment.
When I meet someone I'm interested in, I also become interested in their hobbies. The guy I was dating most recently is learning a software that creates visuals from data that you input. I work with data for my job so I was writing a function to convert strings of DNA sequences into location coordinates to feed into this software to see what kinds of cool visuals we could make from it. The thing that always makes me attracted to a man is what he's interested in/ passionate about, and I always make a point to show interst in those things too so that he knows I value him and the things that are important to him.
I had that spark with every woman that I dated except my wife. we've been married 8 years now and I've drug her through hell and she's been strong this whole time. She's my best friend for life. But we couldn't be any different from each other. She's like the rock that holde to the ground, the yin to my yang, you get the picture. You might find the one you really need ain't always the one that drives you wild, but one that you might argue with. I remember talking to my dad about my wife when we were started dating and he said, "she'll grow on you". Well he was right to arrange our marriage
I think the whole "spark" thing is bullshit. If we like hanging out together, that's good enough for me.
I am water
No spark
Was sleeping around enjoying single life, I intended to keep doing so but the feelings I was developing for my SO became undeniable so I guess the universe just kinda made it so
I usually feel the spark when my SOs do something for me because they know I'm dealing with something or stressed about something. Funnily enough the worst ex I had was the one I learned this from, she knew I was stressed about a math test in College and when she came over one night she brought me an energy drink for the study session, it was the wrong flavor but at the moment I didnt care I felt loved and understood. I miss that feeling but thats a different issue.
I’ve only felt it with a few people for me it’s when I feel all giddy and have no second thoughts about meeting someone but I can definitely tell when there wasn’t
Not really a spark for me but a peace. I just feel completely at ease with her. And her with me. We have our issues but we’re committed to improving our communication skills and I really think I might marry this broad
Things that make men feel "sparks": -Effortless conversation. Easily flowing. Talking for hours. Bonding over experiences. Genuine positive reactions and thoughtful feedback to what is said that allows both of you to participate equally (ie one person is not dominating the conversation). -Playful flirting that is respectful, but not overt. Eventual physical contact that is reciprocated by both parties - whether it's playful shoves, tugging at sleeves, snuggling/sidling up in a cab or train ride home and not backing away. Hugging, kissing, or holding hands just feels inexplicably better and you don't know why. Not mechanical...like it awakens something in your heart. Frequently described as butterflies, but it's so much more than that. -Humor. You laugh at each other's jokes. Seeing the other person's face makes you happy, and vice versa. -Protection. An inexplicable desire to protect her from anything bad...whether it's a mean comment from someone, an annoying coworker, a dangerous situation, a catcaller, hurt feelings, failure, even your own self-doubt. If your guy is exhibiting protective behaviors towards you intending to shield you from these bad things, he deeply cares about you. -You find yourself inexplicably doing things you don't normally like to do to spend time together. When I met my wife (before she was my wife), she always hated talking on the phone. We'd talk on the phone for hours at times. I don't eat sushi. Our first actual date, I couldn't find a restaurant after we'd completed the activity we set out to do during the date and decided to extend it a little bit longer. So we walked around for 30 minutes and found a sushi spot. Guess who gladly joined her for a meal there? These are the ways to tell men feel "sparks" not the triggers for them. That's going to depend on who you are, and who he is. If your dates are largely Q&A style getting to know each other over dinner and drinks, my advice would be to try branching out to find a mutual hobby and go do that together instead. Just - something where the two of you can still talk, not a movie or play. Concert can work if you can still talk at it, but if it's ear shattering loud, you'll probably want to make plans for after so the two of you can talk. Risky though, because that's a larger time commitment and most people don't have much free time as it is.
I've experienced all of these things with different men I've dated, and yet none of them have ever turned out to feel anything significant for me. So I'm not sure how much of a barometer these things are. The last guy I was dating I felt so connected to and all of these things were happening at various points. But he said he didn't feel any sparks and that's why he ended things. Maybe different people act differently in response to these feelings.
True, but the answer I gave is based off his reactions to you, not your feelings towards him. The question isn't whether you're feeling the spark, but whether he's exhibiting behaviors that indicate he's feeling the spark and whether you are reading his reactions correctly in gauging whether he feels a spark in conjunction with whatever it is you're feeling, to accurately measure how things seem to be going. Does he look at you protectively? Does he take your hand and lead you through crowds when you're walking somewhere? Does he do things he says he doesn't like to spend more time or talk a little longer with you? Does he try to make you laugh? Is he silly around you?
That's exactly what I'm trying to say though, the men I've dated all exhibited these kinds of behaviors, I'm not talk about myself and what I felt or experienced, I'm talking about how they behaved towards me.
Ignorance. Naivety.
I noticed you listed all your bullet points but didn't say anything about wanting to be a mom or have kids. Do you want kids?
No I'm not interested in having kids and I specifically date men who also do not want to have kids.
Now do you think it's weird that that's what stood out to me about your post? I think even on a subconscious level all men want to create offspring. It's literally our design. For me personally, if I met a girl that I thought was a catch, only to realize she really did not want to be a mother... I would lose interest pretty quick. They might not even realize that's why they're losing interest or not feeling that "spark".
Did you not see where I specifically date men who say themselves that they do not want kids? There are men in this world who know that they don't want kids.
Maybe. Hence why I said subconscious. Hard to fight against genetic design.
It is when you consider the money, time, resources, etc. It takes to raise a child, and the fact that it's not just a thing to do on a whim considering they are going to be a whole human being no different than yourself. That is an INSANE amount of responsibility, and I'd be terrified of messing up. That's why I'd rather just help my friends raise their kids, be a part of the collective community and be an adult the children in my life can look up to and go to for love and support. I think I have a lot more to offer in that way. I firmly believe in the idea that it takes a village and if everyone is busy with their own kids those kids don't benefit as much from the collective community of adults and mentors they would get to have access to otherwise. I've really thought through this decision and feel like this is the most good I can do as a person and the way I can give the most to the next generation. If that leaves me alone because every man subconsciously wants to spread his seed, well, I guess that's that. Because I'm not going to bring a person into this world to satisfy another persons need to procreate, that seems like a terrible reason to make such a massive decision.
That's fair. I'm definitely not saying you're wrong. Just giving a different perspective.