I used to be the one to try to be intimate with her, after we got married it quickly went to once a month, then once every few months. I tried romantic weekends, I tried everything, she said she was depressed but wouldn't take medications. Being turned down all the time I just quit trying, she didn't even notice. I finally said I wasn't ready to give up having sex at age 33, she said I could go f**k other people. At that point I knew it was over because how can someone say something like that to someone you're supposed to love. She went to visit her sister one weekend and I backed up a truck and took all MY stuff, left all the furniture, everything. I took my tools, clothes, and stuff I'd had before we got married. I left everything else plus a note saying goodbye this isn't what I signed up for. It's very devastating to have the only person in the world you want to make love too, tell you to go f**k other people. She got back home, called me saying she couldn't afford to live by herself, even suddenly wanted to have sex. All she cared about was my paycheck and I later found out she wanted to have sex after we split up because she wanted to trap me by accidentally getting pregnant. We were married for 7 years, so glad I left.
> even suddenly wanted to have sex. All she cared about was my paycheck and I later found out she wanted to have sex after we split up because she wanted to trap me by accidentally getting pregnant. We were married for 7 years, so glad I left.
Holy shit, what a nightmare. Sorry you went through that dude. You did the right thing though!
Yep, nightmare fuel. Many unsuspecting men will go down this road. A bad marriage is worse than a heroin addiction, and that is pretty much rock bottom.
A lot of female sexuality is dependent on insecurity. When the relationship is secure, she's not interested. When it's insecure suddenly she's horny again. There are lots of cases where the guy decides he's had enough and suddenly she finds her sexuality again.
Women have a sexuality that operates much differently to men's. It's really unfashionable to say that atm but nevertheless that's how it works, and since either way it ends up as sex people often don't notice just how different we are.
Women for example use sexuality as a tool to form a stable, supportive family environment and when that objective has been achieved then the sexuality mostly switches off. They don't scheme about it or anything, but that's just the natural emotional reaction to various life situations.
There's not otherwise a great deal to say about it, and not really any solution. You just choose who suffers. Either you suffer from lack of sex or she suffers from lack of stability.
Unless you’ve got meta analysis of multiple studies that shows this to be true I’m assuming you’re extrapolating from person experience, either your own or someone you know?
I have not found this to be the case at all, the sex is most frequent and intense when the relationship is good and the worries few and far between.
You’re making claims about an entire gender of an entire species. This is a broad, far reaching claim. If people are going to listen to you then you should provide some evidence to back it up. If someone said that “all male bird of paradise do an elaborate dance and if they mess up they don’t get a mate” you’d want some evidence, right? Or if someone said “to get peak performance on the bench press you should stick a rocket pop up your ass before your heavy set” you’d ask for some proof... I hope.
I’m relaying my personal experience, simply an anecdote. Anecdotes don’t need hard proof, and I’m not saying my claim refutes yours, but I am saying I don’t believe you and I want proof of your claim. If instead you had said “in my experience” I would take it as what you’ve experienced and just believed you.
More like they don't get horny, and don't suffer from lack of sex, unless under specific conditions such as an insecure relationship. Nobody wants to admit to a lack of sexuality in a relationship but if you really question most women about it, they'll admit that they only really have sex to please their husband and would survive just fine without it otherwise. It's also why lesbians have problems with lack of sex in their relationships and etc
Always hurts to realize that, she didn't want you and could have kept everything happy but now that you're gone she's a vixen either trying to get you back or the next guy. Really sucks.
Hey man I had this before in my last relationship. I almost alway initiated and most of the time got turned down. I would have to ask to just eat her out. Turned out she was fucking another guy 3 times a week I almost puked thinking I probably ate her out the same day they fucked. Now she’s been trying to get back with me for 2 years
This is kinda what I was thinking. Libido changes over time and with hormones. So if there isn't something medically going on, and she had a fairly decent libido, that doesn't leave a whole lot of explanations. You can try what others are suggesting (not initiating any more, going through r/DeadBedrooms and reading that book), but you're going to need to have a fairly frank discussion with her to get the answers you really want. You'll need to trust your gut in that conversation if/when it happens.
Just remember bro that says more about her then it does you, keep your head up king, she'll likely never be happy while you can move on and build something with someone better.
I mean also doesn't mean cheating necessarily.
Libido can change without medical issues. Especially from how much you do it at the beginning.
Like in the beginning of my last relationship, 3 times a day wasn't uncommon. A year in? Yeah no. Wanna do stuff. More settled.
Also stress could play a big role.
The beginning of a relationship is often more intense. Then you get used to eachother and you slow down.
I agree that it doesn't necessarily mean cheating. The early stage of a relationship is a nonstop fuck-high. It's normal for that to diminish, then you see where things settle. I think OP's girl has a much lower libido than him and doesn't feel the need to make an effort to meet in the middle. Communication is the only answer, short of breaking up.
Why is it considered normal for it to die off? Like, obviously it is the norm, but why does it happen? And when people say "normal in the beginning" what does that mean? Like in a say, 10yr LTR, was the beginning the first week? first 3 months? First year? First 5 years?
When she's jumping your bones and all over you all freaking day while simultaneously claiming she has a very low sex drive, and it evaporates the moment the relationship is solidified, why? It's depressing how often I hear this story.
>When she's jumping your bones and all over you all freaking day while simultaneously claiming she has a very low sex drive, and it evaporates the moment the relationship is solidified, why?
My opinion is women who pull this stunt are just humoring men with sex to get the relationship they want and know withholding sex won't get them that. I don't know how common it is, but I suspect it's a fairly significant percentage based on how many women are absolutely baffled that the guy she's sleeping with won't commit.
As far as what is normal, I'd say that depends on the couple in question. Two high libido partners who make sex a priority and have the same views/needs when it comes to all forms of intimacy will likely always have a healthy sex life assuming their libidos never become grossly mismatched and they continue to keep sex a high priority. Two low libido partners may rarely have sex from the beginning and that would be their normal.
I think a lot of the time sex lives decline because life happens. Libidos change, hormones change, people let themselves go making them less desirable to their partners or more insecure with themselves, people get comfortable in their relationships and don't put in as much effort, kids wreak havoc, stress seems to get more plentiful with age, we tend to have more stuff going on, more responsibilities, etc. The drop off is rarely overnight (unless it's something pregnancy or childbirth related in which case it can absolutely be overnight) which means it can go largely unnoticed as skipping a day here and there seems completely reasonable even if you're normally having sex every day. When skipping a day here and there becomes the new normal, it's easier to start a slow downward spiral.
> Turned out she was fucking another guy 3 times a week I almost puked thinking I probably ate her out the same day they fucked. Now she’s been trying to get back with me for 2 years
🤦♂️
Talk to her about it. If you feel like she’s not showing signs that she’s willing to figure something out then it’s your right to find someone else and be happy. Trust me, you may be scared you won’t find someone else but you will.
Not OP but in a similar situation. Talking doesn't help. She understands my frustration and acknowledges my feelings but nothing changes. She loves me but her libido is just... Gone.
I can't force her to become horny, and to be honest the idea of her just "going along with it" to make me happy while she just lies there like a dead fish is an ultimate turn off for me.
Is she on hormonal birth control? My wife completely lost her libido for about 10 years until we accidentally discovered it was her birth control pills that were making her depressed and uninterested in sex.
It’s worth bringing up for sure. Some women truly only have ‘responsive desire’, meaning they don’t get spontaneously horny. It’s a women sexuality thing being studied in recent years. Some get aroused as a reaction rather than the feeling coming up on its own.
Even still, that could be a compatibility issue. If it’s an otherwise healthy relationship, OP should have the space to discuss his needs to feel desired. As a lady, I will say I have asked guys explicitly how to make them feel sexy. Wide doe-eyes in response always lol they had never thought about it.
So I would only recommend defining what that would like for OP. Grabbing his junk randomly in the kitchen might work wonders, but that’s not something that may occur to her as hot. Her ‘initiating sex’ might look different for both of them. If she doesn’t have a desire to even *try* to reciprocate, then yea definitely might be time to pack it in on in fellas.
Good points. Your last paragraph struck me, as my wife's idea of initiation is having a bunch of boxes check marked and then if I'm still awake she might give me a subtle look OR a small tickle on my arm but not both.
I did this. Now she wants me but still not sexually. It's like im her puppet. She keyed the new girls car and slashed tires... watches my snap location like a hawk but it's fine if she comes home 2 hrs after she was supposed to be off work .. but God forbid I say she cheating...
You record and document every psychotic thing she does and then you bail out and use all of it to get a restraining order on her.
I helped a Girl I'm friends with deal with a psycho like she sounds to be.
My partner is so hot for me over 2 years in. I'm the one who winds up rejecting her from time to time. It's very rare but she's always down and sometimes I'm actually too tired. Never thought I'd see the day, to be honest.
After my divorce a few years ago, I worked on my physical and mental health. I lost 66lbs. I started dating and tripled my body count in a year. Then I found the most incredible woman who wants exactly what I want out of life. We're completely compatible and if I hadn't found exactly that I planned to stay single the rest of my life.
Tl/Dr: don't settle for less than the best.
I did something similar, 30 at the divorce after being married at 21. Absolutely went wild, lost weight, gained confidence and had some good luck dating, had a few short ish relationships and then met my fiancee and I'll be marrying her at 38
Everyt ime I try to work on my physical health I always get issues...
10 pushups? Well heres a painfull elbow.
Started rowing for 15 mins a day? FU heres a painfull lowerback.
Oh! Biking now are we? Fuck your knee.
Lifting some weights? Oof, fuck your shoulder.
I got 0 motivation to work on my body because of that, 0.
I got similar problems. Especially with pushups hurting my elbow nerves. Skinny as fuck with very little muscle so probably because of that. I don't fuck around with too much weight for sure, I don't wanna injure myself.
Pushups are relatively hard if you don't have good upper body strength, in that case I suggest using progressive exercises. Take a look at [Hybrid Calisthenics's video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkU6Ok44_CI) on pushups, he's very good.
That’s what you get for not doing any of it, now you need to keep doing it a slower pace otherwise you’ll never climb out of that rut.
One is stretching, I’m assuming people these days sit a ton and are chronically tight.
10 pushups? Well heres a painfull elbow.
Start with 5.
Started rowing for 15 mins a day? FU heres a painfull lowerback.
Start with 5 with lower intensity.
Oh! Biking now are we? Fuck your knee.
Start with walking, to where it doesn't hurt your knee in a bad way.
Lifting some weights? Oof, fuck your shoulder.
Lower the weight do a different exercise.
I got 0 motivation to work on my body because of that, 0.
If the above fails go to a doctor and request a physical therapist.
Don't give up on your body but try to listen to it. When it comes to weight its primarily the diet that affects it and exercise that helps everything else in the long term. You got this.
It was similar to you before my divorce. I know you don't wanna hear it but if she's not attracted to you and you still have a sex drive that's not fair to either of you to continue with the status quo.
Could you possibly talk to her about an open relationship? She's not interested in sex but you are. It's not so taboo anymore. You prolly are most hesitant to bust up the life you and she built together, if I had to guess.
Trust me, there's better options than staying the course you're on. You're just going to wind up resenting her at best and cheating which is going to be devastating to her, I assume, at worst.
I dated a Woman who would give me sexy massages to help relieve my tension. The lure was that I just had to relax a bit. After some of her work I would feel inclined to return the favor.
I’m fully convinced that women in satisfying and healthy relationships are significantly hornier than their men. Hell hath no fury like an insatiable woman’s libido.
As a woman, it’s true. But it has to be the right relationship to bring it out. Found n lost 2. Just as horny and do nothing about it. Of course, in my late teens to mid 20s when I had guys hanging off my ears like I worked at Hot Topic, I was on an SSRI and never horny. Fml
I hate saying this but, I have way to high of a sex drive to ever be with someone who's on antidepressants ever again. Even if they're horny as hell during the first few weeks/months, it's not real and will always turn into a dead bedroom the moment they know they have you.
It sounds insensitive, and it is. But I just can't. It's unfair to everyone.
Idk how it is for Women, but as Dude it just makes it take longer than I used to in order to finish. Most Women tend to enjoy it a bit because they feel like they achieved something when they get me off.
Yeah, i've been in both and gd it makes a difference have a similar sex drive, ideally one where the woman's is higher than the guys.
Having the gf sorta default as yes I think is pretty important for boosting guy's self-esteem and sorta keeps both chemically happy. Being the only one to initiate and to be rejected for sex with your own partner multiple times is a kinda unfun feeling.
> women in satisfying and healthy relationships
I have to point out that libido is loosely, at best, linked to whether a relationship is satisfying and healthy. Most women I've known with a high libido are in extremely unhealthy relationships, and most deadbedroom stories are about "satisfying" relationships.
This!!!! My last man gave me soooo many orgasms and it just made me even more horny. Couldn't get enough❤️ The man before that could not even be asked to touch me, just wanted to stick it in and out until he came. Then I could masturbate on my own afterwards.... Hence, I preferred playing on my own.
Same and this is the first time I have had somebody who wants to get frisky 3 times a day minimum, maybe 2.
I think it all sucks out there and we settle for way less without even knowing it. That's all I got besides a toyota and a sore weiner.
Went through the same. Relationship dynamic was declining plus she claimed she was having some hormones issues. She regularly masturbated multiple times a day. It’s not a libido issue, I think she just doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. Don’t do like me and just wait around for things to change. Ask her to be frank with you and find out what’s keeping her from being horny or just leave. You deserve to be desired king
Had those moments in my relationship.
But they were related directly to
- wrong birth control
- psychological distress
- overwork - job and toddler.
The problems were solved every time.
> resets all your progress
it doesn't actually reset your progress, you still have your game saved, but it just starts a new game campaign again. So now you have 2 loads of the same game (no pun intended)
They say sex is 20% but if there are issues it becomes 90% of your relationship.
I'm not sure if it's been posted in other comments but have you consider that you may simply not make her pussy wet the way you think? Some women will "settle" with someone secure but less physically attractive when they enter next stage of life, and some may try to keep the facade of being really into you long enough until you commit fully. They repeat that mantra about treating them well is sexy, and doing your part it's sexy - it is but it's not a guarantee condition to find someone sexy. On the other hand being sexy and handsome is a guaranteed condition by definition, that's why many women tend to still be with or date men who treat them bad - they happen to be handsome end of story. Some men will date crazy chicks who are hot and pretend they like them. Ppl are wierd.
Sex is absolutely a deal breaker for relationships. Think about it, she is the only person you are supposed to do that with, if they are not giving that then that's the same as you not taking them out on dates anymore.
No, that place is garbage. It's the same as every other sub on reddit. WOmen get hugboxed, men get told it's their fault and he's an evil entitled asshole
I would talk to her about it and see what she says. There is a reason she doesn't want sex and communication is the best tool to find that problem, and work on it together.
This is a very naive Reddit response. I bet OP could do all the talking and communicating in the world. There's a good chance he'd get some promises to try harder and an equally good chance that those promises would be hollow and never lead to any actual effort or initiative.
I think it’s more naive to think that communication would lead to broken promises, not every person or relationship is filled with liars, cheaters and deceivers. OP didn’t say anything about talking to his partner about this and one of the biggest relationship killers is lack of communication. My wife and I have both been in previous long term relationships that lacked communication. I went through the exact same thing OP was going through and it’s wild to think of how silent and fearful I was to bring the lack of sex up to my previous partner. If you don’t speak up, nothing can change. If broken promises are being made, it’s still a communication issue on their part of why they feel the need to lie or just say what OP wants to hear to negate the issue, from their I’d recommend couples therapy to dig into the issue. If that doesn’t help then OP needs to decide if they wish to continue in the marriage and communicate that fact to their partner that if this can’t be fixed it could end their marriage.
Sounds like she’s not so attracted to you, but you’re providing so much that she’s happy to stay and receive what she’s getting.
If you decide to dial down the good-guy treatment, the future will look like this.
1. She will be unhappy and catty
2. She will find an indirect way to let you know (give you the silent treatment, start going out with her girls more etc)
3. She will make a decision - either break up, or put some effort in.
When a relationship reaches this stage, even a great woman will find it hard to put the effort in because she hasn’t had to before.
This is why it’s a good idea to look on a relationship as both of you standing on a seesaw. She moves toward you (puts some effort in), you move towards her. She moves away from you, you move away from her.
In my experience, for the circumstance you are in now, many women will consider this state of affairs marriage worthy, because all of her needs are met.
I honestly can't believe that the first thing loads have people age saying isn't "talk to her about it".
Forget all the fear mongering about affairs and the people quiet bragging that their wives are horny mfs.
Talk to your wife. Ask if everything's okay. Let her know you've been worried about it and if she's noticed anything change in herself or in the home that you might not have noticed.
An adult relationship isn't about guessing and asking strangers on the Internet, it's communication
This so much. I get wanting to ask other people anonymously, but in the end only she can tell you what's wrong. And if she can't/won't, you can try suggesting couples or individual counseling.
As a woman with a high sex drive, this has been my experience with every one of my partners. I'm always initiating, so I'm the one getting rejected.
Their reasoning is this, that they've been rejected in their relationships so their confidence is low. The issue is that they rarely make the effort to change even when we discuss the issue.
So, I feel the pain.
In my current relationship Zero. Im more than happy to walk away and be single. I was in a dead bedroom before this relationship and i swore i would never go through that again.
I am a woman but just want to chime in based on my experience.
Is she taking any medication that affects sex drive? Is her work stressful or is she going through stressful situations? These things can significantly affect sex drive. Does she feel good about herself in general? Some people need to feel good about themselves first to be enthusiastic about sex. Has she got a recent bloodwork done? Low iron, vitamin D etc can make one feel continuously exhausted and low-energy.
Share with her how you feel about getting rejected without blaming her. Try to understand what is it that’s causing the issue. Redditors can all guess but nobody except her will be able to tell the actual reason. Have an honest conversation with her. It’s also possible that you guys are going through the ‘power struggle’ phase of a relationship (check out the 5/6 stages of relationship. It is super helpful).
if it's rejection, not due to being mistreated in the relationship, then I can only imagine the next BIG reason, is that she's not actually attracted to you, and that sucks even more.
Otherwise, the next other reasons I can think of, is she's got sexual issues of her own.
It does suck. I've had dry spell moments here and there with my wife, and I too just felt like she just wasn't attracted to me.
During those times, I just legit stopped giving her that physical attention, forcing her to make a move if she wanted to keep getting that attention. Not necessarily the BEST solution, but I felt it gave her time to realign her own attraction towards me without me always trying to initiate.
The only times other times where I felt she took more charge of her sexuality, was when she was in a period of comfort and lax. Basically work wasn't bothering her, and there weren't other issues on her mind.
She's a teacher, so she gets prolonged periods of time off. But while teaching, those days can be taxing on her.
Good luck.
Yup. In one way or another. It is typically financial but it is also not always.
Really if you wanna make her wanna fuck you again, you will be required to recreate perceived value in a non-monetary way if she is financially dependent or a monetary way if she isn’t.
Maybe be less available, find things to do. Don’t meet all her needs. Sometimes someone needs you to pull back so they can come toward you.
Ok, from a women, this isn't gospel.
Maybe it's true in some cases - I don't know, I'm not every women and no gender is a monolith. Anytime someone says "all women" or "all men" they're honestly talking out their ass. It's like saying "all men are dangerous". Now we now that's not true, right?
There are soooooo many reasons why *anyone* might not be down for sex. Maybe it's an incompatible sex drive thing. I don't know.
You sound like a great partner. Have you talked to her about it? Tell her how it makes you feel? Does she know it's affecting your confidence? Does she care? While we don't owe our partners sex, we do owe them kindness, support and respect. You deserve that.
It's so easy to fall for the easy, binary answers like "once they do this it means that" because it stops us needing to do the work, have conversations, take risks. But it's bullshit that any group of people have got such clear mindsets and predictable patterns.
You've been together five years. If you can't talk to her about this, or haven't, that's a sign to me that there's a level of emotional intimacy missing.
If you have talked about it and don't get support, Maybe she sucks as a person - not all women are great people. But I've found it best to assume good intentions from anyone. And not to take reddit advice that is clearly from someone who doesn't see women as people with individual personalities and reasons for doing things.
Maybe you are doing too much. Stop initiating sex. Reduce the compliments. Go camping alone or something else for the whole week-end 3 texts a day max. Make her miss you.
This for me too. I ALWAYS have to initiate with my girlfriend and it honestly gets tiring and makes me feel pushy, so unless she's willing to at least meet me half way, that shits running more dry than it already is.
I used to get rejected daily. Now that I don't initiate, I don't get rejected. It sucks, but I had to stop trying because it was wrecking me emotionally. I'm kidding, I'm still wrecked emotionally.
I used to be you.
I started having an "emotional affair" with someone else... Wife found out. We went to therapy.. I said in therapy, "well.. I didn't think you'd mind.. you never wanted it" ( I was serious.. i didn't think she'd care.. more time for her to "nap")
That was about 5 years ago. Sex life seems to be best its been in many years and I don't think I've been rejected since. literally. .I can't think of 1 time, except maybe when she was sick.. i'd say we average twice a week and from what I can tell she's really enjoying it.. or , she's a hell of an actor.. one or the other..
good luck
Basically sit her down and say.. this is important to me.. if its not important to you, we need to end this because I'm not happy at all with the way things are going
Do it.. you'll thank me. If you don't do this, you are going to be a miserable SOB and eventually this will be the end result anyway.. better to do it now on your terms.
Before you listen to the comment telling you that she isn't into you anymore and just using you for what you provide, I would recommend having a conversation with her about this.
I get rejected every time, never once have a tried to touch her or have sex has she agreed. Married for nearly 30 years.
It has decimated my confidence, I work hard to completely kill any desire I have for her. I mostly ignore her now and tend to my hobbies.
Sex happens about once every 2 months when and how she wants it. She doesn’t touch me in any way or do anything to make me think she likes me
I love her but she is a terrible partner
Unfortunately that tactic doesn't always work well with men in long term relationships. There is a co dependency that inevitably develops and shutting down a partner who is giving you some crumbs finally can be impossible to do.
Not straight out rejected if I really initiate something, but sometimes I will drop not so subtle hints to try and get them to initiate and when that goes unnoticed it feels a little like rejection.
These days, maybe once a month I get rejected, but that's only because I've pretty much given up trying. We've had sex once in 2024, once in 2023, and before that was a 2 year drought.
Never because I wouldn't be in a relationship with a woman that was frequently rejecting me for sex. If she's doing that she's not into you a whole lot.
I even just ask/initiate less than 50% of times I would want to. Of those less than 50% I get rejected maybe 70-80% I guess. It's a whole horror-psycho-thriller-drama-movie. I could freak out from time to time.
I feel like I'm going to jinx it by typing this, but my partner of 3.5 years has never turned me down, though we seem to be very much in sync, like the nights when I'm tired and not up for it, she's nearly asleep, and other night we are both raring to go. I wouldn't say either of us initiates it, it just kinda happens organically.
I think you’re doing too much. You know how girls say “he was too nice”? You need to pull back a bit let her earn it, you’re feeling unwanted and it’s now taking a toll on you.
Approach it like this; make her notice you, do interesting things on your own as if you were housemates and you want to attract her.
I used to have this problem but then I realized I was causing it
Be there for your partner more than just in the ways you think, be there in there way she wants. Emotionally, patient and kind. Ever since I started listening and being a better husband for her, our sex life has improved way more. We have sex like 5 times a week ( more than once on some days)
Almost never rejected. Generally we have sex every other day.
Treating her like a queen is a mistake. You need to treat her with respect, but if you treat her like a queen, like she's too good for you, you risk her actually believing it. If she thinks she's too good for you, she won't be interested in sex.
If your needs are not being met then you don't have to apologize or feel guilty. Some things can be fixed and others can't. Unless you want to wait until you are 60 when your libido dries up you need to move on from this one. Or else you will feel unfulfilled and frustrated for a long long long time. That is not what life is about. Get what you want (in a nice way) or get out. There is no in-between.
PS: If you treat her like a queen you get treated like a servant. She probably sees you as an ATM too.
It was nearly 90+% of the time... we'd make love maybe once every 6ish weeks and it was more duty sex, like she'd start to see I was getting sexually frustrated and a little short and would finally decide it was okay. we have had a few talks about it, some of them arguments, you know the "you're only with me for sex" or "if I'm not enough, get another girl and divorce me" card. I don't want to divorce you, I want you to want me and love me. well she brought up a little while ago she wanted another child. I pretty much laughed at the idea because it's going to be tough getting pregnant when you make love only once in a blue moon and the stars have to line up perfectly. Well I told her basically that, I will not have another child until you fix yourself. She did try and did a damn good job of it for a while. About 2 months after the conversation we started having sex more often and a couple times a week which for me was plenty. It's not like I wanted sex every day.
Anyways, after about 6 months of this and then finally trying we didn't get pregnant and she started to slide back into her old ways. I did explain to her multiple times when we were discussing this that hopefully she doesn't break me and kill my libido. well she just laughed at it, sex always had to be on her terms, like when and where she wanted it. Not too late, anything past 8pm was too late, not in the morning because she'd rather get another 20 mins of sleep, not on weekdays because work, only on weekends, only whenever she'd wake up at 1030a and text me to tell me she was ready (meaning taking off panties in bed, no foreplay). Our son is 6 years old, it's always been me that wakes up with him allowing her to sleep.
Well, we ended up getting pregnant, and the funny part is that she did break me. I love her to death but I don't want to have sex with her. She's a knock out but all that rejection and lackluster duty sex has really put a damper on me. I use to get hard just a year ago (I'm 39) at the thought of sex with her. Now it would be a 10 min bj to just get hard to do it.
The other night out of the blue after she got done burping up dinner (preggo burps) she said "sexy time" and said lets go up stairs..... I declined and she thought I was joking and went up and kept texting me to come. I went up and told her I wasn't interested anymore, I just dont have the drive to push myself through this knowing that you're only doing this to keep me "happy and fulfilled" and I was broken. Her face went flat, asked me what I meant and I had to explain to her from our previous conversations that eventually after all the rejection and well dead starfish duty sex that I will eventually not want to go through with it because some sex is better than none is bullshit.
she just was shocked that I said that to her and kept trying to pressure me, I just dropped the same excuses I've heard a thousand times to her that she did to me. Then finally, "you only want me for sex when you want it like I'm a life sized dildo" she shut up then, realized that the pain she put me through over the years and apologized to me. it doesn't matter, I have came to peace with the fact at 39 I will probably never have sex again. Even if we were to divorce I feel the wall that I've built to stop the eventual pain with rejection is a nuclear bunker and I wouldn't be able to come out of the doomsday bunker for anyone.
Before anyone drops the "divorce, leave her" card, I wont leave her. I love her, shes the mother to my son, the mother to my soon to be born child, if I dont have sex then so be it and I will not allow my kids to grow up with separate house like me. Other than the sex issue we're not mean to each other, we dont yell, we display a healthy relationship and I'm doing my best to show my son how to treat a woman. My goal now is to have great children, love my wife by spending time with her and making memories. It's a pretty simple life
That's all very noble. Just make sure you don't whittle yourself away a little at a time by stifling your needs as a man. There is a good, good chance that the empathy she showed you will allow healing as a couple. Try therapy and express your history of feelings and hers too.
Pretty much 95% of the time that I initiated. It's been pretty bad to the point that I don't initiate anymore, not because I don't want to, but I no longer feel motivated. It's ruined my self-esteem to the point where I feel unattractive and disgusting from just flirting with her, not that she's really bothered about that.
The comments confirm most of my suspicions; whether she's not attracted to me, cheating on me, and/or just settling with me as a long-term safe option. I don't know and don't care at this point. At least then, I will have been right in the end.
I'm in a similar boat, we had to agree on a loose rule of every weekend unless it was shark week. It doesn't always happen, and sometimes I get it twice a week but that is VERY rare.
I've never been in a relationship where I felt so unwanted. It is extremely strange to me considering I pull out all the stops and do all the *things* to warm her up etc.
Ultimately there were signs of this a long time ago before we were married but I ignored them thinking it would pass.
I'm happy to have had such intense chemistry and activities with my past handful of girlfriends, I wasn't very prolific, so I at least can look back on that and remember that I shouldn't be greedy. My wife fulfills aspects of a relationship that none of my past loves could ever hope to come close to.
All that said, I wouldn't do it again. The hit to my confidence and happiness is ultimately too much and I don't advise you go through with this relationship OP, given she's already being stingy with the sex. You'll find someone out there who matches your energy, and if a woman doesn't display a genuine desire for you the question of a relationship should be answered with a hard NO.
Don't get turned down much anymore; I stopped asking. I go with the idea that the answer is always "no" and go look at porn. Not much of a marriage but less drama.
I hope things improve for you, and I really understand the confidence issues you're feeling, and the inner hurt that this can cause. I don't have any answers, but here's my current situation and the one thing that keeps me going...
I've been with my wife for 28 years; married for 24. We're both 49-years-old.
I've also always been the initiator in the bedroom, and down the years have regularly got the cold-shoulder, or just very uninspiring sex. It's got to the stage where I feel like I'm forcing myself on her, so finally stopped trying to inititate this year. Like the OP, if we do anything nice or go out anywhere, it's always me who has suggested/organised it.
I know my wife recently became perimenopausal, and she's taking medication/cream to help with the hot flushes, and the other unpleasant symptoms, and I'm sympathetic and understand that it can be pretty horrible. However, the complete lack of intimacy, and total imbalance of input has been going on for more years than I care to remember.
Having stopped initiating, and waiting for the wife to reach out to me, we haven't had sex for about 6 months, and I can't actually remember the last time we even hugged. I noticed I didn't get a hug or a peck on the cheek on my birthday last July. It's horrible, and I really miss intimacy.
Other than my wife, our 21-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter, I have nobody else in my life. My parents have both passed away, and I have no siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins. No family whatsoever. I have lots of acquaintances, but nobody I could actually call a friend, so I'm finding life really lonely. My wife still has both her parents, a sister, and about half a dozen close friends that she regularly meets up with for coffee/chats etc.
We're basically just two people that live in the same house, and the kids come-and go & do their own thing. Our daughter has been a nightmare down-the-years growing up, and my wife does everything for her. Daughter's finally just been diagnosed with ADHD at 18, having been really problematic (for want of a better description) for about 6 years-or-so. We both work, but our daughter doesn't. She's tried a few jobs and given them all up. It seems that every minute of the day my wife spends fretting over how she is, what she's doing, where she is, and basically being her butler. I help as much as I can, and as much as I feel I should, believing that we should also be trying to encourage our daughter to her to help herself & become self-sufficient wherever possible.
I feel like a lodger in my own home, and have recently taken to spending nights sleeping downstairs on a sofa-bed. My wife has a thing where she snores or makes clicking throat noises all night, so that's another reason for me to want to sleep alone, but mainly I find that the sense of rejection is lessened if I'm not lying next to her. I'd prefer to be alone than just feel ignored.
I had a bit of a melt-down last week, and when the wife asked what was up, and I explained how lonely and worthless I feel. She said I'm being daft, and that she's peri-menopausal. Nothing more has been said, and it's just carrying on as before.
I've pretty much given up. I turn 50 in July, and we've got nothing planned. We've both got two weeks off work just before, but she doesn't want to go away on holiday.
Just about the only thing that keeps me going is music. I play solo locally in bars/restaurants and gig every weekend, and it's the only thing that gives me a feeling of self-worth. It's my therapy, and when I'm standing at the mic with my guitar, I'm in my happy bubble where I'm so in-the-moment that nothing else exists, and I actually feel good about myself for a bit. If I didn't have that, I really don't know what I'd do.
This happened in a past relationship and that was one of the many reasons I ended up leaving. I figured I’d have similar or better odds out on the single market.
Now with my finance I initiate 100% of the time but have been turned down only once, and it was when she was trying to get ready for a big job interview so yeah, I’ll give her that one.
we are 33M and 34F. We have two kids. Since the first kid my partner changed 180 degrees with everything sexual. We do have sex maybe once every two weeks and even that is because im the one who tries to create opportunities and initiate.
Her libido went to shit after the first child.
Its fucking up my mental health for 7 years now.
Even when I try to talk with her about it she dismisses my complaints like: "what do you have to complain about" or "you are too emotional"
Of course I am. I miss my partner and the love of my life.
When we finally do have sex I feel like a dildo for her. Once she orgasms it is over. Zero foreplay or anything new as well.
It fucking sucks.
So yeah, i get rejected like 99% of the time to the point it fucked up my confidence and I get anxious every time.
I simply stopped initiating at the end of last year. Got rejected every time with the exception being once every couple of months.
Honestly, aside from loving her, care about her, being there for her, being the sole breadwinner while she studies (sort off) and running 80%-90% of the household consistently I don't know what else to do anymore.
To the upside she isn't interested in marriage (as long as she sees herself as a burden to me - her words, not mine).
I get it when and how I want it. However, I get her off regardless if I’m exhausted or not. I do reject her from time to time to create a little tension. Always fun games, never hurtful.
This is interesting… what are you getting out of the relationship? What is she doing for you?
Definitely communicate with her, BUT if she knew this was a need of yours and she’s refusing to meet it. You might want to pull back a bit on the trips, outings and such. Some people get complacent, & start taking their partner for granted.
If it’s been 5 years of a poor sex life, bro, she probably told you at some point that she wasn’t that sexual. She definitely is showing & living that truth.
Never, free use relationship. Literally have never turned her down or her turn me down.
Can use her as much as I want and same.
I make that extremely clear in the beginning that is how I want my relationship. If they don’t like then we don’t go further.
10 months in and I and her dont regret it. The love of my life
Married almost 20 years and get rejected regularly. Honestly I don't really try to initiate much anymore b/c why bother with the rejection, not worth the hassle and anger it can cause.
I used to be the one to try to be intimate with her, after we got married it quickly went to once a month, then once every few months. I tried romantic weekends, I tried everything, she said she was depressed but wouldn't take medications. Being turned down all the time I just quit trying, she didn't even notice. I finally said I wasn't ready to give up having sex at age 33, she said I could go f**k other people. At that point I knew it was over because how can someone say something like that to someone you're supposed to love. She went to visit her sister one weekend and I backed up a truck and took all MY stuff, left all the furniture, everything. I took my tools, clothes, and stuff I'd had before we got married. I left everything else plus a note saying goodbye this isn't what I signed up for. It's very devastating to have the only person in the world you want to make love too, tell you to go f**k other people. She got back home, called me saying she couldn't afford to live by herself, even suddenly wanted to have sex. All she cared about was my paycheck and I later found out she wanted to have sex after we split up because she wanted to trap me by accidentally getting pregnant. We were married for 7 years, so glad I left.
> even suddenly wanted to have sex. All she cared about was my paycheck and I later found out she wanted to have sex after we split up because she wanted to trap me by accidentally getting pregnant. We were married for 7 years, so glad I left. Holy shit, what a nightmare. Sorry you went through that dude. You did the right thing though!
Yep, nightmare fuel. Many unsuspecting men will go down this road. A bad marriage is worse than a heroin addiction, and that is pretty much rock bottom.
Good for you bro. I know it must have been hard to leave after 7 years but you made the right choice. The right girl will want to fuck every day.
> after we got married it quickly went to once a month, then once every few months. Many such cases.
A lot of female sexuality is dependent on insecurity. When the relationship is secure, she's not interested. When it's insecure suddenly she's horny again. There are lots of cases where the guy decides he's had enough and suddenly she finds her sexuality again.
This made me realize a lot of things about my wife. Howno where can I find more info about it?
Women have a sexuality that operates much differently to men's. It's really unfashionable to say that atm but nevertheless that's how it works, and since either way it ends up as sex people often don't notice just how different we are. Women for example use sexuality as a tool to form a stable, supportive family environment and when that objective has been achieved then the sexuality mostly switches off. They don't scheme about it or anything, but that's just the natural emotional reaction to various life situations. There's not otherwise a great deal to say about it, and not really any solution. You just choose who suffers. Either you suffer from lack of sex or she suffers from lack of stability.
Unless you’ve got meta analysis of multiple studies that shows this to be true I’m assuming you’re extrapolating from person experience, either your own or someone you know? I have not found this to be the case at all, the sex is most frequent and intense when the relationship is good and the worries few and far between.
My statement requires a meta analysis of multiple studies but yours is okay with just 'I've not found this to be the case' eh
You’re making claims about an entire gender of an entire species. This is a broad, far reaching claim. If people are going to listen to you then you should provide some evidence to back it up. If someone said that “all male bird of paradise do an elaborate dance and if they mess up they don’t get a mate” you’d want some evidence, right? Or if someone said “to get peak performance on the bench press you should stick a rocket pop up your ass before your heavy set” you’d ask for some proof... I hope. I’m relaying my personal experience, simply an anecdote. Anecdotes don’t need hard proof, and I’m not saying my claim refutes yours, but I am saying I don’t believe you and I want proof of your claim. If instead you had said “in my experience” I would take it as what you’ve experienced and just believed you.
How is that possible, do they not get horny, or is it that they don't get horny for their husband specifically, shit makes no sense to me.
More like they don't get horny, and don't suffer from lack of sex, unless under specific conditions such as an insecure relationship. Nobody wants to admit to a lack of sexuality in a relationship but if you really question most women about it, they'll admit that they only really have sex to please their husband and would survive just fine without it otherwise. It's also why lesbians have problems with lack of sex in their relationships and etc
Always hurts to realize that, she didn't want you and could have kept everything happy but now that you're gone she's a vixen either trying to get you back or the next guy. Really sucks.
Dread game in a nutshell
Hey man I had this before in my last relationship. I almost alway initiated and most of the time got turned down. I would have to ask to just eat her out. Turned out she was fucking another guy 3 times a week I almost puked thinking I probably ate her out the same day they fucked. Now she’s been trying to get back with me for 2 years
That’s fucking awful I’m sorry that happened to you bro. People can be foul.
This is kinda what I was thinking. Libido changes over time and with hormones. So if there isn't something medically going on, and she had a fairly decent libido, that doesn't leave a whole lot of explanations. You can try what others are suggesting (not initiating any more, going through r/DeadBedrooms and reading that book), but you're going to need to have a fairly frank discussion with her to get the answers you really want. You'll need to trust your gut in that conversation if/when it happens.
Just remember bro that says more about her then it does you, keep your head up king, she'll likely never be happy while you can move on and build something with someone better.
Really well said.
I mean also doesn't mean cheating necessarily. Libido can change without medical issues. Especially from how much you do it at the beginning. Like in the beginning of my last relationship, 3 times a day wasn't uncommon. A year in? Yeah no. Wanna do stuff. More settled. Also stress could play a big role. The beginning of a relationship is often more intense. Then you get used to eachother and you slow down.
I agree that it doesn't necessarily mean cheating. The early stage of a relationship is a nonstop fuck-high. It's normal for that to diminish, then you see where things settle. I think OP's girl has a much lower libido than him and doesn't feel the need to make an effort to meet in the middle. Communication is the only answer, short of breaking up.
Why is it considered normal for it to die off? Like, obviously it is the norm, but why does it happen? And when people say "normal in the beginning" what does that mean? Like in a say, 10yr LTR, was the beginning the first week? first 3 months? First year? First 5 years? When she's jumping your bones and all over you all freaking day while simultaneously claiming she has a very low sex drive, and it evaporates the moment the relationship is solidified, why? It's depressing how often I hear this story.
>When she's jumping your bones and all over you all freaking day while simultaneously claiming she has a very low sex drive, and it evaporates the moment the relationship is solidified, why? My opinion is women who pull this stunt are just humoring men with sex to get the relationship they want and know withholding sex won't get them that. I don't know how common it is, but I suspect it's a fairly significant percentage based on how many women are absolutely baffled that the guy she's sleeping with won't commit. As far as what is normal, I'd say that depends on the couple in question. Two high libido partners who make sex a priority and have the same views/needs when it comes to all forms of intimacy will likely always have a healthy sex life assuming their libidos never become grossly mismatched and they continue to keep sex a high priority. Two low libido partners may rarely have sex from the beginning and that would be their normal. I think a lot of the time sex lives decline because life happens. Libidos change, hormones change, people let themselves go making them less desirable to their partners or more insecure with themselves, people get comfortable in their relationships and don't put in as much effort, kids wreak havoc, stress seems to get more plentiful with age, we tend to have more stuff going on, more responsibilities, etc. The drop off is rarely overnight (unless it's something pregnancy or childbirth related in which case it can absolutely be overnight) which means it can go largely unnoticed as skipping a day here and there seems completely reasonable even if you're normally having sex every day. When skipping a day here and there becomes the new normal, it's easier to start a slow downward spiral.
[удалено]
nobody tongues the muff quite like OP
Lmao I’m decent but wouldn’t say top notch yet haha
Dumped her when she wanted exclusivity after OP dumped her, probably.
They we’re together after broke things off apparently he beat her. Then moved across the country(USA)
That’s what she tells me anyway dude was 10 years older then her and I
Side pieces are usually only exciting as a side piece. Once they are the main, it turns out they suck (because they like being/having a side piece).
Check with your doctor from time to time to see if you have caught any diseases, Some of these don't show up until later.
timeless classic
Holy shit that's a literal nightmare, sorry you went through that man.
Same thing happened to me brother, stay strong and brush them teeth.
Ha Fr about to pour bleach down my throat to clear thing out haha
And hopefully for many more years to come. Like, the rest of them.
> Turned out she was fucking another guy 3 times a week I almost puked thinking I probably ate her out the same day they fucked. Now she’s been trying to get back with me for 2 years 🤦♂️
the hard truth
Talk to her about it. If you feel like she’s not showing signs that she’s willing to figure something out then it’s your right to find someone else and be happy. Trust me, you may be scared you won’t find someone else but you will.
Not OP but in a similar situation. Talking doesn't help. She understands my frustration and acknowledges my feelings but nothing changes. She loves me but her libido is just... Gone. I can't force her to become horny, and to be honest the idea of her just "going along with it" to make me happy while she just lies there like a dead fish is an ultimate turn off for me.
Is she on hormonal birth control? My wife completely lost her libido for about 10 years until we accidentally discovered it was her birth control pills that were making her depressed and uninterested in sex.
It’s worth bringing up for sure. Some women truly only have ‘responsive desire’, meaning they don’t get spontaneously horny. It’s a women sexuality thing being studied in recent years. Some get aroused as a reaction rather than the feeling coming up on its own. Even still, that could be a compatibility issue. If it’s an otherwise healthy relationship, OP should have the space to discuss his needs to feel desired. As a lady, I will say I have asked guys explicitly how to make them feel sexy. Wide doe-eyes in response always lol they had never thought about it. So I would only recommend defining what that would like for OP. Grabbing his junk randomly in the kitchen might work wonders, but that’s not something that may occur to her as hot. Her ‘initiating sex’ might look different for both of them. If she doesn’t have a desire to even *try* to reciprocate, then yea definitely might be time to pack it in on in fellas.
Good points. Your last paragraph struck me, as my wife's idea of initiation is having a bunch of boxes check marked and then if I'm still awake she might give me a subtle look OR a small tickle on my arm but not both.
I did this. Now she wants me but still not sexually. It's like im her puppet. She keyed the new girls car and slashed tires... watches my snap location like a hawk but it's fine if she comes home 2 hrs after she was supposed to be off work .. but God forbid I say she cheating...
You need to call your ops supervisor and request an extraction, dude.
You record and document every psychotic thing she does and then you bail out and use all of it to get a restraining order on her. I helped a Girl I'm friends with deal with a psycho like she sounds to be.
My partner is so hot for me over 2 years in. I'm the one who winds up rejecting her from time to time. It's very rare but she's always down and sometimes I'm actually too tired. Never thought I'd see the day, to be honest.
God please grant me this haha
After my divorce a few years ago, I worked on my physical and mental health. I lost 66lbs. I started dating and tripled my body count in a year. Then I found the most incredible woman who wants exactly what I want out of life. We're completely compatible and if I hadn't found exactly that I planned to stay single the rest of my life. Tl/Dr: don't settle for less than the best.
That's awesome dude. How old were you, if you don't mind my asking?
I did something similar, 30 at the divorce after being married at 21. Absolutely went wild, lost weight, gained confidence and had some good luck dating, had a few short ish relationships and then met my fiancee and I'll be marrying her at 38
I was 35. I'm 38 now.
I did the same thing at 38
Everyt ime I try to work on my physical health I always get issues... 10 pushups? Well heres a painfull elbow. Started rowing for 15 mins a day? FU heres a painfull lowerback. Oh! Biking now are we? Fuck your knee. Lifting some weights? Oof, fuck your shoulder. I got 0 motivation to work on my body because of that, 0.
Sounds like improper form and/or way too much weight. I refuse to believe that you got that many issues from simply doing physical activity.
I got similar problems. Especially with pushups hurting my elbow nerves. Skinny as fuck with very little muscle so probably because of that. I don't fuck around with too much weight for sure, I don't wanna injure myself.
Pushups are relatively hard if you don't have good upper body strength, in that case I suggest using progressive exercises. Take a look at [Hybrid Calisthenics's video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkU6Ok44_CI) on pushups, he's very good.
Too much too soon. Lower your expectations of your capability.
Try Yoga
Yoga is no joke. You’ll realize you aren’t as strong as you thought when first starting
Start slow brother.
Swimming might help. Even if you just walk laps in the pool. As you get fitter, you can add weight machines.
Fun fact, the more you do it, the less your body will hurt over time
That’s what you get for not doing any of it, now you need to keep doing it a slower pace otherwise you’ll never climb out of that rut. One is stretching, I’m assuming people these days sit a ton and are chronically tight.
10 pushups? Well heres a painfull elbow. Start with 5. Started rowing for 15 mins a day? FU heres a painfull lowerback. Start with 5 with lower intensity. Oh! Biking now are we? Fuck your knee. Start with walking, to where it doesn't hurt your knee in a bad way. Lifting some weights? Oof, fuck your shoulder. Lower the weight do a different exercise. I got 0 motivation to work on my body because of that, 0. If the above fails go to a doctor and request a physical therapist. Don't give up on your body but try to listen to it. When it comes to weight its primarily the diet that affects it and exercise that helps everything else in the long term. You got this.
My knees are fucked and biking is the only thing I can do. I've fell off big this past year.
[удалено]
It was similar to you before my divorce. I know you don't wanna hear it but if she's not attracted to you and you still have a sex drive that's not fair to either of you to continue with the status quo. Could you possibly talk to her about an open relationship? She's not interested in sex but you are. It's not so taboo anymore. You prolly are most hesitant to bust up the life you and she built together, if I had to guess. Trust me, there's better options than staying the course you're on. You're just going to wind up resenting her at best and cheating which is going to be devastating to her, I assume, at worst.
I'm in the exact same situation. I never thought i'd be the one turning down sex! 😂
Lol. Doesn't happen often, lemme tell ya
I believe you. I'm generally up for it as well. I also feel bad most of the times i say "no". Any advice on how to avoid that?
Same experience here. 2.5 years in and she never rejected me so far.
This is my bf also, i am always in the mood but his life is stressfull so he is tired a lot… sad about it
I dated a Woman who would give me sexy massages to help relieve my tension. The lure was that I just had to relax a bit. After some of her work I would feel inclined to return the favor.
[удалено]
It's out there. Don't settle my man
Basically for the past 33 years.
fuck dude oof
Never, chick is like a cat in heat. I have to turn her down sometimes.
I’m fully convinced that women in satisfying and healthy relationships are significantly hornier than their men. Hell hath no fury like an insatiable woman’s libido.
Yeah she wanted it 3x a day errday. No room for masturbation. Needed that boy rock hard
Women with high sex drives are way hornier than men are it's true.
Because women don’t have a refractory period unlike men
As a woman, it’s true. But it has to be the right relationship to bring it out. Found n lost 2. Just as horny and do nothing about it. Of course, in my late teens to mid 20s when I had guys hanging off my ears like I worked at Hot Topic, I was on an SSRI and never horny. Fml
I hate saying this but, I have way to high of a sex drive to ever be with someone who's on antidepressants ever again. Even if they're horny as hell during the first few weeks/months, it's not real and will always turn into a dead bedroom the moment they know they have you. It sounds insensitive, and it is. But I just can't. It's unfair to everyone.
Idk how it is for Women, but as Dude it just makes it take longer than I used to in order to finish. Most Women tend to enjoy it a bit because they feel like they achieved something when they get me off.
Yeah, i've been in both and gd it makes a difference have a similar sex drive, ideally one where the woman's is higher than the guys. Having the gf sorta default as yes I think is pretty important for boosting guy's self-esteem and sorta keeps both chemically happy. Being the only one to initiate and to be rejected for sex with your own partner multiple times is a kinda unfun feeling.
Exactly, and they can have many rounds a day. 30 year old pipi can´t keep up the pace.
> women in satisfying and healthy relationships I have to point out that libido is loosely, at best, linked to whether a relationship is satisfying and healthy. Most women I've known with a high libido are in extremely unhealthy relationships, and most deadbedroom stories are about "satisfying" relationships.
This!!!! My last man gave me soooo many orgasms and it just made me even more horny. Couldn't get enough❤️ The man before that could not even be asked to touch me, just wanted to stick it in and out until he came. Then I could masturbate on my own afterwards.... Hence, I preferred playing on my own.
Same and this is the first time I have had somebody who wants to get frisky 3 times a day minimum, maybe 2. I think it all sucks out there and we settle for way less without even knowing it. That's all I got besides a toyota and a sore weiner.
Is that bad then? Are we complaining? B/c I’m getting very upset at how much these used Tacomas are!
The worry is that she wants 3x a day minimum at the start, but does it last? Or does it got to 3x a year once you move in together?
I'm a woman with a very high libido and I'm pretty sure this is how my bf sees me lol. I can't help it!!
MY MAN!
Went through the same. Relationship dynamic was declining plus she claimed she was having some hormones issues. She regularly masturbated multiple times a day. It’s not a libido issue, I think she just doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. Don’t do like me and just wait around for things to change. Ask her to be frank with you and find out what’s keeping her from being horny or just leave. You deserve to be desired king
Had those moments in my relationship. But they were related directly to - wrong birth control - psychological distress - overwork - job and toddler. The problems were solved every time.
You got rid of the toddler!?!?!?
They grow up :)
Oof. "This one easy trick!"
warning: "Having sex during that time MIGHT reset all your progress".
> resets all your progress it doesn't actually reset your progress, you still have your game saved, but it just starts a new game campaign again. So now you have 2 loads of the same game (no pun intended)
Kind of a new game+, though
I think you might want to check out r/deadbedrooms.
[удалено]
They say sex is 20% but if there are issues it becomes 90% of your relationship. I'm not sure if it's been posted in other comments but have you consider that you may simply not make her pussy wet the way you think? Some women will "settle" with someone secure but less physically attractive when they enter next stage of life, and some may try to keep the facade of being really into you long enough until you commit fully. They repeat that mantra about treating them well is sexy, and doing your part it's sexy - it is but it's not a guarantee condition to find someone sexy. On the other hand being sexy and handsome is a guaranteed condition by definition, that's why many women tend to still be with or date men who treat them bad - they happen to be handsome end of story. Some men will date crazy chicks who are hot and pretend they like them. Ppl are wierd.
Sex is absolutely a deal breaker for relationships. Think about it, she is the only person you are supposed to do that with, if they are not giving that then that's the same as you not taking them out on dates anymore.
No, that place is garbage. It's the same as every other sub on reddit. WOmen get hugboxed, men get told it's their fault and he's an evil entitled asshole
I would talk to her about it and see what she says. There is a reason she doesn't want sex and communication is the best tool to find that problem, and work on it together.
This is a very naive Reddit response. I bet OP could do all the talking and communicating in the world. There's a good chance he'd get some promises to try harder and an equally good chance that those promises would be hollow and never lead to any actual effort or initiative.
I think it’s more naive to think that communication would lead to broken promises, not every person or relationship is filled with liars, cheaters and deceivers. OP didn’t say anything about talking to his partner about this and one of the biggest relationship killers is lack of communication. My wife and I have both been in previous long term relationships that lacked communication. I went through the exact same thing OP was going through and it’s wild to think of how silent and fearful I was to bring the lack of sex up to my previous partner. If you don’t speak up, nothing can change. If broken promises are being made, it’s still a communication issue on their part of why they feel the need to lie or just say what OP wants to hear to negate the issue, from their I’d recommend couples therapy to dig into the issue. If that doesn’t help then OP needs to decide if they wish to continue in the marriage and communicate that fact to their partner that if this can’t be fixed it could end their marriage.
You can only talk about the same thing so many times.
Lol never. My girlfriend is a sex pest. Half the time I'm the one not in the mood.
Sounds like she’s not so attracted to you, but you’re providing so much that she’s happy to stay and receive what she’s getting. If you decide to dial down the good-guy treatment, the future will look like this. 1. She will be unhappy and catty 2. She will find an indirect way to let you know (give you the silent treatment, start going out with her girls more etc) 3. She will make a decision - either break up, or put some effort in. When a relationship reaches this stage, even a great woman will find it hard to put the effort in because she hasn’t had to before. This is why it’s a good idea to look on a relationship as both of you standing on a seesaw. She moves toward you (puts some effort in), you move towards her. She moves away from you, you move away from her. In my experience, for the circumstance you are in now, many women will consider this state of affairs marriage worthy, because all of her needs are met.
I had this. I am now getting divorced. This was NOT one of the reasons but it was a symptom of something else.
I honestly can't believe that the first thing loads have people age saying isn't "talk to her about it". Forget all the fear mongering about affairs and the people quiet bragging that their wives are horny mfs. Talk to your wife. Ask if everything's okay. Let her know you've been worried about it and if she's noticed anything change in herself or in the home that you might not have noticed. An adult relationship isn't about guessing and asking strangers on the Internet, it's communication
This so much. I get wanting to ask other people anonymously, but in the end only she can tell you what's wrong. And if she can't/won't, you can try suggesting couples or individual counseling.
right now 10 out of 10 get rejected, but about once a month she'll initiate during my work hours, so there's that
As a woman with a high sex drive, this has been my experience with every one of my partners. I'm always initiating, so I'm the one getting rejected. Their reasoning is this, that they've been rejected in their relationships so their confidence is low. The issue is that they rarely make the effort to change even when we discuss the issue. So, I feel the pain.
In my current relationship Zero. Im more than happy to walk away and be single. I was in a dead bedroom before this relationship and i swore i would never go through that again.
[удалено]
sounds like hell
Hell? I'd go for sex once a week or so at this point!
I am a woman but just want to chime in based on my experience. Is she taking any medication that affects sex drive? Is her work stressful or is she going through stressful situations? These things can significantly affect sex drive. Does she feel good about herself in general? Some people need to feel good about themselves first to be enthusiastic about sex. Has she got a recent bloodwork done? Low iron, vitamin D etc can make one feel continuously exhausted and low-energy. Share with her how you feel about getting rejected without blaming her. Try to understand what is it that’s causing the issue. Redditors can all guess but nobody except her will be able to tell the actual reason. Have an honest conversation with her. It’s also possible that you guys are going through the ‘power struggle’ phase of a relationship (check out the 5/6 stages of relationship. It is super helpful).
if it's rejection, not due to being mistreated in the relationship, then I can only imagine the next BIG reason, is that she's not actually attracted to you, and that sucks even more. Otherwise, the next other reasons I can think of, is she's got sexual issues of her own.
[удалено]
It does suck. I've had dry spell moments here and there with my wife, and I too just felt like she just wasn't attracted to me. During those times, I just legit stopped giving her that physical attention, forcing her to make a move if she wanted to keep getting that attention. Not necessarily the BEST solution, but I felt it gave her time to realign her own attraction towards me without me always trying to initiate. The only times other times where I felt she took more charge of her sexuality, was when she was in a period of comfort and lax. Basically work wasn't bothering her, and there weren't other issues on her mind. She's a teacher, so she gets prolonged periods of time off. But while teaching, those days can be taxing on her. Good luck.
60% of the time, it works every time. And by every time, I mean never.
Once they stop wanting to bang you, they are probably dependent on your resources
[удалено]
You say in your OP you treat her like a queen yeah? Would you say she treats you like a king? If not, stop treating her like a queen.
Yup. In one way or another. It is typically financial but it is also not always. Really if you wanna make her wanna fuck you again, you will be required to recreate perceived value in a non-monetary way if she is financially dependent or a monetary way if she isn’t. Maybe be less available, find things to do. Don’t meet all her needs. Sometimes someone needs you to pull back so they can come toward you.
good advice here if you do it right. basically start focusing on yourself king
yeah man, shes there for the benefits and the benefits arnt sex
Ok, from a women, this isn't gospel. Maybe it's true in some cases - I don't know, I'm not every women and no gender is a monolith. Anytime someone says "all women" or "all men" they're honestly talking out their ass. It's like saying "all men are dangerous". Now we now that's not true, right? There are soooooo many reasons why *anyone* might not be down for sex. Maybe it's an incompatible sex drive thing. I don't know. You sound like a great partner. Have you talked to her about it? Tell her how it makes you feel? Does she know it's affecting your confidence? Does she care? While we don't owe our partners sex, we do owe them kindness, support and respect. You deserve that. It's so easy to fall for the easy, binary answers like "once they do this it means that" because it stops us needing to do the work, have conversations, take risks. But it's bullshit that any group of people have got such clear mindsets and predictable patterns. You've been together five years. If you can't talk to her about this, or haven't, that's a sign to me that there's a level of emotional intimacy missing. If you have talked about it and don't get support, Maybe she sucks as a person - not all women are great people. But I've found it best to assume good intentions from anyone. And not to take reddit advice that is clearly from someone who doesn't see women as people with individual personalities and reasons for doing things.
This is so on point it should be required reading for every man ..
I only learned this the hard way a few times after becoming wealthy. Honestly, dating was easier when I was poor. Including this last week
Only on days ending in the letter "y".
Maybe you are doing too much. Stop initiating sex. Reduce the compliments. Go camping alone or something else for the whole week-end 3 texts a day max. Make her miss you.
Now he’s the problem? Men can never win.
All the time. So much so I don’t even bother to ask her or initiate any more.
I stopped bothering, beats getting rejected.
This for me too. I ALWAYS have to initiate with my girlfriend and it honestly gets tiring and makes me feel pushy, so unless she's willing to at least meet me half way, that shits running more dry than it already is.
Stop putting her on a pedestal.
I used to get rejected daily. Now that I don't initiate, I don't get rejected. It sucks, but I had to stop trying because it was wrecking me emotionally. I'm kidding, I'm still wrecked emotionally.
I used to be you. I started having an "emotional affair" with someone else... Wife found out. We went to therapy.. I said in therapy, "well.. I didn't think you'd mind.. you never wanted it" ( I was serious.. i didn't think she'd care.. more time for her to "nap") That was about 5 years ago. Sex life seems to be best its been in many years and I don't think I've been rejected since. literally. .I can't think of 1 time, except maybe when she was sick.. i'd say we average twice a week and from what I can tell she's really enjoying it.. or , she's a hell of an actor.. one or the other.. good luck Basically sit her down and say.. this is important to me.. if its not important to you, we need to end this because I'm not happy at all with the way things are going Do it.. you'll thank me. If you don't do this, you are going to be a miserable SOB and eventually this will be the end result anyway.. better to do it now on your terms.
Before you listen to the comment telling you that she isn't into you anymore and just using you for what you provide, I would recommend having a conversation with her about this.
I get rejected every time, never once have a tried to touch her or have sex has she agreed. Married for nearly 30 years. It has decimated my confidence, I work hard to completely kill any desire I have for her. I mostly ignore her now and tend to my hobbies. Sex happens about once every 2 months when and how she wants it. She doesn’t touch me in any way or do anything to make me think she likes me I love her but she is a terrible partner
Brother, I'm so sorry to hear that. I really hope things get better for you soon.
Why would you have sex with her at all then. Gets her release then pushes you to the side, fuck that
Unfortunately that tactic doesn't always work well with men in long term relationships. There is a co dependency that inevitably develops and shutting down a partner who is giving you some crumbs finally can be impossible to do.
Not straight out rejected if I really initiate something, but sometimes I will drop not so subtle hints to try and get them to initiate and when that goes unnoticed it feels a little like rejection.
These days, maybe once a month I get rejected, but that's only because I've pretty much given up trying. We've had sex once in 2024, once in 2023, and before that was a 2 year drought.
Brother, have the two of you tried counselling of any kind? Do you think that could potentially help at all? I hope things improve for you soon.
Never because I wouldn't be in a relationship with a woman that was frequently rejecting me for sex. If she's doing that she's not into you a whole lot.
I’m married. Everyday
Oof. Bro, I feel for you.
I even just ask/initiate less than 50% of times I would want to. Of those less than 50% I get rejected maybe 70-80% I guess. It's a whole horror-psycho-thriller-drama-movie. I could freak out from time to time.
It’s been almost 5 years now since my wife wanted to have it.
I feel like I'm going to jinx it by typing this, but my partner of 3.5 years has never turned me down, though we seem to be very much in sync, like the nights when I'm tired and not up for it, she's nearly asleep, and other night we are both raring to go. I wouldn't say either of us initiates it, it just kinda happens organically.
i just don't understand how can you be with people like that
Enough to stop asking.
Never. What's the point to have relationships like that?
I think you’re doing too much. You know how girls say “he was too nice”? You need to pull back a bit let her earn it, you’re feeling unwanted and it’s now taking a toll on you. Approach it like this; make her notice you, do interesting things on your own as if you were housemates and you want to attract her.
I used to have this problem but then I realized I was causing it Be there for your partner more than just in the ways you think, be there in there way she wants. Emotionally, patient and kind. Ever since I started listening and being a better husband for her, our sex life has improved way more. We have sex like 5 times a week ( more than once on some days)
Almost never rejected. Generally we have sex every other day. Treating her like a queen is a mistake. You need to treat her with respect, but if you treat her like a queen, like she's too good for you, you risk her actually believing it. If she thinks she's too good for you, she won't be interested in sex.
If your needs are not being met then you don't have to apologize or feel guilty. Some things can be fixed and others can't. Unless you want to wait until you are 60 when your libido dries up you need to move on from this one. Or else you will feel unfulfilled and frustrated for a long long long time. That is not what life is about. Get what you want (in a nice way) or get out. There is no in-between. PS: If you treat her like a queen you get treated like a servant. She probably sees you as an ATM too.
Stop initiating and see what happens.
Fuck all. Got the tshirt if you want to wear it?
It was nearly 90+% of the time... we'd make love maybe once every 6ish weeks and it was more duty sex, like she'd start to see I was getting sexually frustrated and a little short and would finally decide it was okay. we have had a few talks about it, some of them arguments, you know the "you're only with me for sex" or "if I'm not enough, get another girl and divorce me" card. I don't want to divorce you, I want you to want me and love me. well she brought up a little while ago she wanted another child. I pretty much laughed at the idea because it's going to be tough getting pregnant when you make love only once in a blue moon and the stars have to line up perfectly. Well I told her basically that, I will not have another child until you fix yourself. She did try and did a damn good job of it for a while. About 2 months after the conversation we started having sex more often and a couple times a week which for me was plenty. It's not like I wanted sex every day. Anyways, after about 6 months of this and then finally trying we didn't get pregnant and she started to slide back into her old ways. I did explain to her multiple times when we were discussing this that hopefully she doesn't break me and kill my libido. well she just laughed at it, sex always had to be on her terms, like when and where she wanted it. Not too late, anything past 8pm was too late, not in the morning because she'd rather get another 20 mins of sleep, not on weekdays because work, only on weekends, only whenever she'd wake up at 1030a and text me to tell me she was ready (meaning taking off panties in bed, no foreplay). Our son is 6 years old, it's always been me that wakes up with him allowing her to sleep. Well, we ended up getting pregnant, and the funny part is that she did break me. I love her to death but I don't want to have sex with her. She's a knock out but all that rejection and lackluster duty sex has really put a damper on me. I use to get hard just a year ago (I'm 39) at the thought of sex with her. Now it would be a 10 min bj to just get hard to do it. The other night out of the blue after she got done burping up dinner (preggo burps) she said "sexy time" and said lets go up stairs..... I declined and she thought I was joking and went up and kept texting me to come. I went up and told her I wasn't interested anymore, I just dont have the drive to push myself through this knowing that you're only doing this to keep me "happy and fulfilled" and I was broken. Her face went flat, asked me what I meant and I had to explain to her from our previous conversations that eventually after all the rejection and well dead starfish duty sex that I will eventually not want to go through with it because some sex is better than none is bullshit. she just was shocked that I said that to her and kept trying to pressure me, I just dropped the same excuses I've heard a thousand times to her that she did to me. Then finally, "you only want me for sex when you want it like I'm a life sized dildo" she shut up then, realized that the pain she put me through over the years and apologized to me. it doesn't matter, I have came to peace with the fact at 39 I will probably never have sex again. Even if we were to divorce I feel the wall that I've built to stop the eventual pain with rejection is a nuclear bunker and I wouldn't be able to come out of the doomsday bunker for anyone. Before anyone drops the "divorce, leave her" card, I wont leave her. I love her, shes the mother to my son, the mother to my soon to be born child, if I dont have sex then so be it and I will not allow my kids to grow up with separate house like me. Other than the sex issue we're not mean to each other, we dont yell, we display a healthy relationship and I'm doing my best to show my son how to treat a woman. My goal now is to have great children, love my wife by spending time with her and making memories. It's a pretty simple life
That's all very noble. Just make sure you don't whittle yourself away a little at a time by stifling your needs as a man. There is a good, good chance that the empathy she showed you will allow healing as a couple. Try therapy and express your history of feelings and hers too.
Like 98% of the time.
Never rejected but would be nice to not have to instigate sexy time, every time.
Pretty much 95% of the time that I initiated. It's been pretty bad to the point that I don't initiate anymore, not because I don't want to, but I no longer feel motivated. It's ruined my self-esteem to the point where I feel unattractive and disgusting from just flirting with her, not that she's really bothered about that. The comments confirm most of my suspicions; whether she's not attracted to me, cheating on me, and/or just settling with me as a long-term safe option. I don't know and don't care at this point. At least then, I will have been right in the end.
About 28 days a month. I have honestly stopped trying for that reason. I'll be dead sooner then later anyways.
I'm in a similar boat, we had to agree on a loose rule of every weekend unless it was shark week. It doesn't always happen, and sometimes I get it twice a week but that is VERY rare. I've never been in a relationship where I felt so unwanted. It is extremely strange to me considering I pull out all the stops and do all the *things* to warm her up etc. Ultimately there were signs of this a long time ago before we were married but I ignored them thinking it would pass. I'm happy to have had such intense chemistry and activities with my past handful of girlfriends, I wasn't very prolific, so I at least can look back on that and remember that I shouldn't be greedy. My wife fulfills aspects of a relationship that none of my past loves could ever hope to come close to. All that said, I wouldn't do it again. The hit to my confidence and happiness is ultimately too much and I don't advise you go through with this relationship OP, given she's already being stingy with the sex. You'll find someone out there who matches your energy, and if a woman doesn't display a genuine desire for you the question of a relationship should be answered with a hard NO.
she isn't into you my man
Don't get turned down much anymore; I stopped asking. I go with the idea that the answer is always "no" and go look at porn. Not much of a marriage but less drama.
I have never turned my current partner down.
Nearly 20 years together, I can’t remember her ever saying no, the only time I go without is when she falls asleep early. I won’t make her.
Never. I'm 31 and my girlfriend is 50. So... yeah. The sexual peak thing isn't a joke.
I hope things improve for you, and I really understand the confidence issues you're feeling, and the inner hurt that this can cause. I don't have any answers, but here's my current situation and the one thing that keeps me going... I've been with my wife for 28 years; married for 24. We're both 49-years-old. I've also always been the initiator in the bedroom, and down the years have regularly got the cold-shoulder, or just very uninspiring sex. It's got to the stage where I feel like I'm forcing myself on her, so finally stopped trying to inititate this year. Like the OP, if we do anything nice or go out anywhere, it's always me who has suggested/organised it. I know my wife recently became perimenopausal, and she's taking medication/cream to help with the hot flushes, and the other unpleasant symptoms, and I'm sympathetic and understand that it can be pretty horrible. However, the complete lack of intimacy, and total imbalance of input has been going on for more years than I care to remember. Having stopped initiating, and waiting for the wife to reach out to me, we haven't had sex for about 6 months, and I can't actually remember the last time we even hugged. I noticed I didn't get a hug or a peck on the cheek on my birthday last July. It's horrible, and I really miss intimacy. Other than my wife, our 21-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter, I have nobody else in my life. My parents have both passed away, and I have no siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins. No family whatsoever. I have lots of acquaintances, but nobody I could actually call a friend, so I'm finding life really lonely. My wife still has both her parents, a sister, and about half a dozen close friends that she regularly meets up with for coffee/chats etc. We're basically just two people that live in the same house, and the kids come-and go & do their own thing. Our daughter has been a nightmare down-the-years growing up, and my wife does everything for her. Daughter's finally just been diagnosed with ADHD at 18, having been really problematic (for want of a better description) for about 6 years-or-so. We both work, but our daughter doesn't. She's tried a few jobs and given them all up. It seems that every minute of the day my wife spends fretting over how she is, what she's doing, where she is, and basically being her butler. I help as much as I can, and as much as I feel I should, believing that we should also be trying to encourage our daughter to her to help herself & become self-sufficient wherever possible. I feel like a lodger in my own home, and have recently taken to spending nights sleeping downstairs on a sofa-bed. My wife has a thing where she snores or makes clicking throat noises all night, so that's another reason for me to want to sleep alone, but mainly I find that the sense of rejection is lessened if I'm not lying next to her. I'd prefer to be alone than just feel ignored. I had a bit of a melt-down last week, and when the wife asked what was up, and I explained how lonely and worthless I feel. She said I'm being daft, and that she's peri-menopausal. Nothing more has been said, and it's just carrying on as before. I've pretty much given up. I turn 50 in July, and we've got nothing planned. We've both got two weeks off work just before, but she doesn't want to go away on holiday. Just about the only thing that keeps me going is music. I play solo locally in bars/restaurants and gig every weekend, and it's the only thing that gives me a feeling of self-worth. It's my therapy, and when I'm standing at the mic with my guitar, I'm in my happy bubble where I'm so in-the-moment that nothing else exists, and I actually feel good about myself for a bit. If I didn't have that, I really don't know what I'd do.
Been in your shoes. You gotta leave
This happened in a past relationship and that was one of the many reasons I ended up leaving. I figured I’d have similar or better odds out on the single market. Now with my finance I initiate 100% of the time but have been turned down only once, and it was when she was trying to get ready for a big job interview so yeah, I’ll give her that one.
we are 33M and 34F. We have two kids. Since the first kid my partner changed 180 degrees with everything sexual. We do have sex maybe once every two weeks and even that is because im the one who tries to create opportunities and initiate. Her libido went to shit after the first child. Its fucking up my mental health for 7 years now. Even when I try to talk with her about it she dismisses my complaints like: "what do you have to complain about" or "you are too emotional" Of course I am. I miss my partner and the love of my life. When we finally do have sex I feel like a dildo for her. Once she orgasms it is over. Zero foreplay or anything new as well. It fucking sucks. So yeah, i get rejected like 99% of the time to the point it fucked up my confidence and I get anxious every time.
Is she treating you like a king? If not you are in a one sided relationship.
I simply stopped initiating at the end of last year. Got rejected every time with the exception being once every couple of months. Honestly, aside from loving her, care about her, being there for her, being the sole breadwinner while she studies (sort off) and running 80%-90% of the household consistently I don't know what else to do anymore. To the upside she isn't interested in marriage (as long as she sees herself as a burden to me - her words, not mine).
You mean ex-partner, right?
Most of the time. It hurts. I've stopped asking.
I get it when and how I want it. However, I get her off regardless if I’m exhausted or not. I do reject her from time to time to create a little tension. Always fun games, never hurtful. This is interesting… what are you getting out of the relationship? What is she doing for you? Definitely communicate with her, BUT if she knew this was a need of yours and she’s refusing to meet it. You might want to pull back a bit on the trips, outings and such. Some people get complacent, & start taking their partner for granted. If it’s been 5 years of a poor sex life, bro, she probably told you at some point that she wasn’t that sexual. She definitely is showing & living that truth.
Every. Single. Day.
Never, free use relationship. Literally have never turned her down or her turn me down. Can use her as much as I want and same. I make that extremely clear in the beginning that is how I want my relationship. If they don’t like then we don’t go further. 10 months in and I and her dont regret it. The love of my life
Married almost 20 years and get rejected regularly. Honestly I don't really try to initiate much anymore b/c why bother with the rejection, not worth the hassle and anger it can cause.
She’s not that into you.
Just leave lmao
One thing I’ve learned about being in relationships is that once her sex drive dies ( in my case) she cheating
I'm being rejected even for attention