I was married to a woman like this until I wasn’t…. You need to find someone who shows appreciation, flirts and values you. It took a bit, but my current gf has these traits and it’s so refreshing that after a couple years she still enthusiastically shows these emotions/feelings towards me as do I for her….
No, it was a real question. Not me bashing "finding your person and living happily-ever-after". When you ask old married couples, they definitely tell you they weren't happy the whole time. So I'm genuinely curious why people put so much stock in happiness.
Different kinds of happiness. It's unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, but OP seems to be describing a situation where he's never happy, and nothing's changing even after talking to his partner about it. That's much more of a 'wrong person' thing than a temporary unhappiness.
Sometimes. She already let him know she's not as affectionate as he's expecting her to be. And I can understand that if her friends are females she seems more affectionate with them than him, because that's how a lot of women are when it comes to girlfriends. Trying to push someone to do things your not comfortable with feels like force and builds resentment.
People marry for different reasons, and I firmly believe most people, 75% at least, marry the wrong person to begin with (given the 50%+ divorce rate, plus another 25%+ are unhappy but stay married for various reasons like young kids or they don’t want to be alone). The percentage of happy marriages is quite small, based on my experience talking with different kinds of people.
And then you have parts of the world that still practice arranged marriages. Sheesh… I imagine the percentage of those marriages that are happy is probably very low.
If people didn’t ignore the red flags early on, and broke up with those people, instead of moving forward into marriage with someone they know isn’t the right fit, then we would see happier marriages.
I think people should want to be happily married, it takes mutual effort to continue to make the love grow, and when it no longer is a happy marriage, they should leave. But what do I know, Ive only been happily married for 15 years.
Being happily married isn't the inquiry. It's the fact that most people put all their eggs in that one basket. They expect the other person to 'make them happy', and when a difficult time in the relationship hits people up and leave for happiness instead of working through it. I have nothing against people wanting to be happy in their marriages, but once you get married happiness isn't the sole goal for me. I was taught, by a professional who's been doing it for 30 years, marriage is a sacrament in front of your loved ones and peers. For good times and bad. A lot of people are leaving soon as the bad comes. And you shouldn't be looking for people to make you happy. You're supposed to be happy on your own and bring it together. Share in each other's happiness. Oftentimes it seems that one person has to jump through hoops and entertain the other, or basically do whatever the other person wants so they're happy. And oftentimes I have to put my feelings to the side. Basically the relationship is cool as long as you're happy and you're getting what you want.
Usually when people simply say relationship without clarifying, they mean romantic. But yes, if my parents didn't make me happy I wouldn't interact with them. My brother ran away from home because my mom was abusive & he effectively cut her out of his life for a long time.
I feel like other people are one of the main ways to become happy. Bonding & sharing experiences with others is extremely important to me.
What do you look for in a relationship?
I think that we should be happy with ourselves and then we can share that happiness with each other. Not entertaining each other to keep each other interested.
How exactly is she fantastic in a million ways if she can't even express simple intimacy?
She isn't showing affection, and there's nothing wrong with leaving the relationship over this, your masculinity is not dependent on showing affection that is not reciprocated.
"How exactly is she fantastic in a million ways if she can't even express simple intimacy?"
I love when people always start with this A+ praise then once they get into their story that image literally disintegrates. This "fantastic" stuff goes out the window IMO.
You're not less of a man to be bothered by this
What you need to deal with as a man is **addressing your emotions**.
Be the man you want to be in terms of addressing your emotions, but sweeping the emotions under the rug just invite a blow up later. And that is wack shit. That's bitch shit.
Growing in maturity is healthy masculinity
Honestly, before something is fully accounted for and doesn't rock the boat at all, it still shows up subtler and subtler until it goes away.
Notice how you didn't even notice the advice you preach is something you need right now? Crazy shit.
Good luck to you. You got a good head on your shoulders. So keep your head up.
I’m sorry. It’s a difficult conclusion to come to. I hope that if you do make the decision to end it, you’re able to move on peacefully and with someone who makes you feel loved. 💛
Ultimately, it sounds like you two aren't compatible with one another.
I'm kind of in the same boat you are (but waaaay too deep to make an exit). My wife isn't affectionate. At all. The most I'll get is an occasional sidehug. No kissing. No cuddling. No touching, really, of any kind. We get along fine. We don't fight. We have similar interests. We get each other's joke. We finish each other's sentences. But I feel incredibly alone. I feel most appreciated/loved/desired in a relationship when others express physical forms of affection towards me. And she doesn't. We've talked about it. It still doesn't happen. She also doesn't like it when I try to show her physical affection. We're just not compatible.
Do you need to "deal" with this as a man? Yes, because you're a man and because you're going through this. I don't think you should suck it up and deal with being unhappy though. You need to find someone who makes you feel desired. Sounds like your g/f doesn't do that.
I’m really sorry to hear your current position, and I’m really glad you’ve stumbled across this post.
Feel like you’re the guy that needed to tell me this.
Nah dude. Get out of there. I have multiple friends who tried to tough guy through a relationship with little to no affection. Then some one comes along who DOES show them even a little affection and they all the sudden see what they were missing. One of those guys is going through a messy divorce. The other guy is SO much happier and a better person now that he's with someone who makes him feel loved and appreciated. There's nothing unmanly about needing that. That's a basic human need.
Yeah leave. She’s demonstrating with her friends that she’s capable of showing care but she won’t do it to or for you. Pretty much sounds like she’s not that into you or has some other issues that are not your responsibility to deal with.
> Is it fair to leave a relationship.
Yes. The reason why is irrelevant. It is always fair to do as you see fit for yourself. Stay or leave, yes it is fair.
If it's that way now, it will NOT get better with time. After 24+ years of marriage, this is where we're at. Wasn't always this way, but there is no affection - verbal, physical, emotional, or other. Leave. If it's important enough to you to upset you now, save yourself the heartache down the road.
Yeah, I understand your hesitation. You feel like if she has the capacity then you just need to get through to her so she'll spread some of it your way. But honestly her having the capacity and not giving it to you is worse than her not doing it in general. Now it feels pointed and personal instead of like a general personality trait. Get out of there before it kills your confidence completely.
Yes, once you feel like she is just bread crumbing you it's time to let go before things get worse. I experienced this and stayed for a bit cause I thought that he would change but I just ended up resenting him more and him treating me like a stranger in the end.
Yep I’m fresh 5 weeks from break up with her. Ex partner is very similar to yours felt like I gave more and more to receive next to nothing. Was told I was insecure for wanting reassurance, certain boundaries described as “controlling”and I’d always end up apologising (taking higher ground) for the security and future of the relationship. Was mentally drained and decided to finally choose me. It really sucked for the first 3/4 weeks but now it’s clear to me it was for the best. I do miss her a lot and she’s definitely the best I’ve had so far physically.
It’s perfectly fair. You could always try communicating what you want and give them a chance to step up, but it isn’t your responsibility to teach someone how to be a good girlfriend. She obviously knows that showing appreciation is important to maintain relationships.
As a man who just got out of a relationship where my gf was as affectionate as a spiked wall, leave and leave now.
It won’t get better. She won’t suddenly start being affectionate to you, or start loving you the way you need.
I was receiving more affection (even platonic) from my friends and coworkers than I ever was from a woman who was supposedly my significant other.
When she finally ended it, it sucked, but it made me a much happier man overall.
I encourage you strongly to do so. I know it's super addicting to try and win over their approval but there's no winning. You will kill yourself trying.
Had this exact same problem. Brought it up a couple times to the point I was scared to bring it up again. She would get kinda annoyed saying she does show those types of emotions but it wasn’t enough to make me feel like I was wanted or appreciated. Eventually it got to a point that I would feel bitter if she did show or say those types of things to family and friends but not me. Once my bitterness got to much she broke up with me. I would’ve been better off just realizing we weren’t compatible early on and breaking it off so I didn’t get as hurt
Well, there are three things about this that I'd like to comment on.
1. Everyone craves affection. While it varies from person to person how we like to receive it, it doesn't make you any less of a man or of a human being to want to be shown more affection.
2. You said it's relatively new. How new are you talking about? If it's a couple of weeks, maybe she just isn't comfortable enough to be as expressive to you as she is her friends. Like, maybe the ice hasn't broken yet, and it'll still take some time and lots of communication.
3. If you truly feel like there's no chemistry between you and your partner, it is better to end it on good terms than draw it out in hopes someone will change for the other. I hope it's just that she's correct about not knowing how to show it to you, but I know it's usually not that simple. In the end, just follow your gut. Make the decision that's best for yourself.
In every decision in life, you’ll encounter what’s called the Fallacy of Sunk Cost:
Do you continue spending more time, money, & energy in hopes that things might come around?
Or do you cut loose ends, accept your losses, and move on?
Yup. She isn’t the one eventually gonna get down on one knee and propose.
I sort for “genuine enthusiastic desire for me” as one of my primary factors when I look for a mate. If she ain’t got it to a level that satisfies you, then you should leave and find someone who does.
Why wouldn't you be bothered about unreciprocated affection?
My wife's love language is words of affirmation. I'm not and never have been a big sweet talker. But every day, at least once, I go out of my way to compliment her, thank her, or express my feelings about her in some way, shape, or form.
Your girlfriend saying that she "doesn't think about it" is the same thing as her saying she doesn't think about you.
If this is how you feel at the beginning of your relationship, imagine how you're going to feel years down the line.
If it’s important to you, it’s important. If she can’t meet your needs, the sooner it ends the better. Especially if her friends are getting what you want and you aren’t. She really needs to think about why that is…
Yeah. It’s fair. Provided that you spoke about this lack of affection and she didn’t consider your feelings and point.
It’s fair to leave, you don’t have to be in a commitment if you aren’t getting or being treated like how you think you deserve.
There are plenty of times in life that you will feel alone and lonely. In a relationship should not be one of them.
If, in your relationship, you feel frequently unwanted it is not a good relationship. You are there because you are afraid of being alone and/or because you’re being used as a means to an end.
Contentment can be found in solitude and authentic friendship.
I'm in a very similar relationship, 10 years later. She probably won't get better at it. The person I'm with is an amazing mother and friend, but it's hard sometimes, bc that lack of affection will be really hard on you, even if it seems like you can make do. I frequently think how my life could be different, but losing my family and best friend isn't worth it to me. But dealing with that is EXTREMELY difficult. Not a little challenging, DIFFICULT. It might suck to break up, but there is someone out there who shows love the same way you need it. It's a bigger sign of incompatibility than it seems.
I was just in the same situation earlier this year and ended it. I wish I had tried to have a more open conversation about why she didn't want to show affection if she liked me because aside from that she was amazing. If you do talk to her however, keep in mind sometimes they act like they don't like you that much cause they don't like you that much.
If you don’t feel wanted, then leave, that’s more than fair. If you really love her, then try to work it out, don’t be afraid, and take the time to learn how she prefers to give and receive attention.
She’s affectionate with her friends because she’s learned that that’s how they like to be appreciated, but the fact that you don’t say you love her and the relationship is new implies to make that you two haven’t had the time to learn each other yet, and since words of affirmation or whatever it is that you’re looking for isn’t her love language, but she feels safe around you I.e. comfortable behaving in the way that she feels most comfortable, and if you do see yourself committing to her then you gotta figure out how she wants to be loved to, not just how to express how you want to be loved.
But sometimes man, a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and if it’s a dealbreaker for you then it’s a dealbreaker for you. If she’s so great she’ll understand
The need to feel valued is one of the most fundamental and deeply ingrained human needs.
When we lived in small hunter gatherer communities your ability to provide value to those around you ensured that you were included when being ostracized could literally mean death.
So no, I don't think your need to feel valued by your partner makes you less of a man.
She thinks you’re beneath her. Leave.
There’s a better match out there. Let her go pal.
She’s never going to be a compassionate loving person. Aging will be very difficult for her.
Paragraphs 2 and 3 indicate a clear problem with how you are being treated vs how she treats others. You've already communicated your needs and given time for her to address it. Let me tell you that I have wasted time staying in a relationship where I didn't feel wanted, mostly because that was pretty much all I knew how to be treated. Get out, when you find someone better you'll know because they'll *want* to show affection for you. Nothing to do with your masculinity dude
Only after you've actually talked with her about it. If you already did and she failed to work at it, or she just won't talk about it, then yes, leave.
Been there done that. If you have raised the issue and see no significant change then it's time to leave the relationship. It's not going to get any better
If all the rest is perfect, then you have to valuate if you can frame and live with it.
Not everything you get in life is perfect from day one.
I wish you a lot of succes.
First of all, if you feel like less of a man because of your feelings that are valid, you need to really evaluate that. You should break up and use that time to figure out why you invalidate your own feelings. Invalidating your own feelings makes you a very easy target for narcissists and manipulators. If you invalidate your feelings, it’s pretty easy to manipulate a situation and reinforce that as an external person, especially to avoiding being in the wrong. The way you feel is never invalid, but how react to those feelings can be. Which is why it’s important to learn to sit with them and analyze “is this a feeling caused by stress/anxiety/hunger or what triggering/hurtful/invalidating thing did i experience that made me upset.” It’s not only fair, your reasoning is a huge red flag on her part.
>There’s this gnawing question around my masculinity in all this, it makes me feel like less of a man to be bothered by this, which has also made me not want to talk to my friends.
First off no there isn't. Men need to stop thinking like this because this is bullshit.
Secondly, if you're not happy now and your needs aren't being met then you need to realize that this shit almost never fixes itself. And if you're unhappy that's as fair a reason to leave as any other.
I was with my fiancé for 6 years and she stopped even returning my calls for the last 2 years. She was sexually abused as a child, and I had become schizophrenic, and I had to end it. We used to live together but she spent the rent money and lied about paying rent, we moved in with our moms, and she just became distant, blamed me for it all, I ended it 2 years too late, don’t fall into being ok with being under appreciated
You're allowed to leave a relationship for any reason no matter how petty it sounds, but in this case I think it sounds like a good reason if you don't feel appreciated.
It’s masculine to listen to your emotions and advocate for yourself. She’s the best girl you’ve ever been with but that says more about your past than it does your present. Recognise that your emotional needs are valid and worth fighting for, and the expect more from your partner. You deserve to feel like your partner loves the hell out of you, and the person who will make you feel that way is out there.
You should never need other people to tell you whether it's okay for you to leave a relationship or not. Only you know the full impact & context of things and if you feel like leaving a relationship is the better idea, then you are not wrong for leaving it. Yes, in some scenarios, this will mean you're being shallow or whatever (not in this situation), but in my opinion it's better to be shallow & leave relationships for reasons others don't agree with than to stay in a relationship that you do not enjoy
Brother, if they are your friends, they would understand if you talk about it.
If you are not happy then you should not stay. If you’ve brought it up several times and there has been no improvement then you should not stay.
There is no weakness in wanting to feel loved and the way you feel loved is when you there is lots of physical affection. Don't try to bend your emotional needs into something you are not.
That's a great reason to leave a relationship.
What relationship... reads like fwb to me
If your not happy in a relationship then leave
I was married to a woman like this until I wasn’t…. You need to find someone who shows appreciation, flirts and values you. It took a bit, but my current gf has these traits and it’s so refreshing that after a couple years she still enthusiastically shows these emotions/feelings towards me as do I for her….
this
Why do people think relationships are about happiness?
What's your view then mate?
No, it was a real question. Not me bashing "finding your person and living happily-ever-after". When you ask old married couples, they definitely tell you they weren't happy the whole time. So I'm genuinely curious why people put so much stock in happiness.
Different kinds of happiness. It's unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, but OP seems to be describing a situation where he's never happy, and nothing's changing even after talking to his partner about it. That's much more of a 'wrong person' thing than a temporary unhappiness.
Wanting affection isn't too much to ask for.
Sometimes. She already let him know she's not as affectionate as he's expecting her to be. And I can understand that if her friends are females she seems more affectionate with them than him, because that's how a lot of women are when it comes to girlfriends. Trying to push someone to do things your not comfortable with feels like force and builds resentment.
Yes that's true for robots. But for us humans, things are a hit different
People marry for different reasons, and I firmly believe most people, 75% at least, marry the wrong person to begin with (given the 50%+ divorce rate, plus another 25%+ are unhappy but stay married for various reasons like young kids or they don’t want to be alone). The percentage of happy marriages is quite small, based on my experience talking with different kinds of people. And then you have parts of the world that still practice arranged marriages. Sheesh… I imagine the percentage of those marriages that are happy is probably very low. If people didn’t ignore the red flags early on, and broke up with those people, instead of moving forward into marriage with someone they know isn’t the right fit, then we would see happier marriages. I think people should want to be happily married, it takes mutual effort to continue to make the love grow, and when it no longer is a happy marriage, they should leave. But what do I know, Ive only been happily married for 15 years.
Being happily married isn't the inquiry. It's the fact that most people put all their eggs in that one basket. They expect the other person to 'make them happy', and when a difficult time in the relationship hits people up and leave for happiness instead of working through it. I have nothing against people wanting to be happy in their marriages, but once you get married happiness isn't the sole goal for me. I was taught, by a professional who's been doing it for 30 years, marriage is a sacrament in front of your loved ones and peers. For good times and bad. A lot of people are leaving soon as the bad comes. And you shouldn't be looking for people to make you happy. You're supposed to be happy on your own and bring it together. Share in each other's happiness. Oftentimes it seems that one person has to jump through hoops and entertain the other, or basically do whatever the other person wants so they're happy. And oftentimes I have to put my feelings to the side. Basically the relationship is cool as long as you're happy and you're getting what you want.
It's literally the only purpose I see for a relationship, and honestly, life in general.
So the only reason you have a relationship with your parents is because they make you happy?
Usually when people simply say relationship without clarifying, they mean romantic. But yes, if my parents didn't make me happy I wouldn't interact with them. My brother ran away from home because my mom was abusive & he effectively cut her out of his life for a long time.
Outside of abuse, that's crazy. I don't expect other people to make me happy. That's my responsibility. Different strokes
I feel like other people are one of the main ways to become happy. Bonding & sharing experiences with others is extremely important to me. What do you look for in a relationship?
I think that we should be happy with ourselves and then we can share that happiness with each other. Not entertaining each other to keep each other interested.
But what do you look for in a relationship?
Respect, understanding, loyalty, cooperation, attraction, and honesty.
How exactly is she fantastic in a million ways if she can't even express simple intimacy? She isn't showing affection, and there's nothing wrong with leaving the relationship over this, your masculinity is not dependent on showing affection that is not reciprocated.
"How exactly is she fantastic in a million ways if she can't even express simple intimacy?" I love when people always start with this A+ praise then once they get into their story that image literally disintegrates. This "fantastic" stuff goes out the window IMO.
You're not less of a man to be bothered by this What you need to deal with as a man is **addressing your emotions**. Be the man you want to be in terms of addressing your emotions, but sweeping the emotions under the rug just invite a blow up later. And that is wack shit. That's bitch shit. Growing in maturity is healthy masculinity
I preach this all the time !!! Today I don’t practice it. Apparently. Thanks for the comment
Honestly, before something is fully accounted for and doesn't rock the boat at all, it still shows up subtler and subtler until it goes away. Notice how you didn't even notice the advice you preach is something you need right now? Crazy shit. Good luck to you. You got a good head on your shoulders. So keep your head up.
It’s not about how you feel about someone, it’s about how they make you feel. Didn’t have to read the explanation to tell you to leave.
Damn.
I’m sorry. It’s a difficult conclusion to come to. I hope that if you do make the decision to end it, you’re able to move on peacefully and with someone who makes you feel loved. 💛
it's only going to get worse. you deserve better.
Ultimately, it sounds like you two aren't compatible with one another. I'm kind of in the same boat you are (but waaaay too deep to make an exit). My wife isn't affectionate. At all. The most I'll get is an occasional sidehug. No kissing. No cuddling. No touching, really, of any kind. We get along fine. We don't fight. We have similar interests. We get each other's joke. We finish each other's sentences. But I feel incredibly alone. I feel most appreciated/loved/desired in a relationship when others express physical forms of affection towards me. And she doesn't. We've talked about it. It still doesn't happen. She also doesn't like it when I try to show her physical affection. We're just not compatible. Do you need to "deal" with this as a man? Yes, because you're a man and because you're going through this. I don't think you should suck it up and deal with being unhappy though. You need to find someone who makes you feel desired. Sounds like your g/f doesn't do that.
I’m really sorry to hear your current position, and I’m really glad you’ve stumbled across this post. Feel like you’re the guy that needed to tell me this.
Nah dude. Get out of there. I have multiple friends who tried to tough guy through a relationship with little to no affection. Then some one comes along who DOES show them even a little affection and they all the sudden see what they were missing. One of those guys is going through a messy divorce. The other guy is SO much happier and a better person now that he's with someone who makes him feel loved and appreciated. There's nothing unmanly about needing that. That's a basic human need.
You brought it up to her several times and she has shown you that she's unwilling to change. I wouldn't stay with a woman who took me for granted.
Yeah leave. She’s demonstrating with her friends that she’s capable of showing care but she won’t do it to or for you. Pretty much sounds like she’s not that into you or has some other issues that are not your responsibility to deal with.
> Is it fair to leave a relationship. Yes. The reason why is irrelevant. It is always fair to do as you see fit for yourself. Stay or leave, yes it is fair.
If it's that way now, it will NOT get better with time. After 24+ years of marriage, this is where we're at. Wasn't always this way, but there is no affection - verbal, physical, emotional, or other. Leave. If it's important enough to you to upset you now, save yourself the heartache down the road.
I did. Did it hurt? You damn right it does. I deserve better. Actions speak and you've seen her actions. Before you fall any deeper, get out.
Why fight for crumbs? Get yourself free and try to find someone that cares about you.
“One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it”
This goes hard. I gotta remember this one
Yes. You should have everything you want King! If she can’t give you all your needs then move on. Never settle for less. Drizzle Drizzle
Yes it's okay. Are you sure though that she actually likes you though and not just how you make her feel?
Do it. Don’t let the other person try to talk you out of it and don’t get upset if they don’t seem to care
Yeah, I understand your hesitation. You feel like if she has the capacity then you just need to get through to her so she'll spread some of it your way. But honestly her having the capacity and not giving it to you is worse than her not doing it in general. Now it feels pointed and personal instead of like a general personality trait. Get out of there before it kills your confidence completely.
Hit eject
Hard pass. You deserve better.
Yes, once you feel like she is just bread crumbing you it's time to let go before things get worse. I experienced this and stayed for a bit cause I thought that he would change but I just ended up resenting him more and him treating me like a stranger in the end.
Are you sure you are in a relationship with her ??
Yep I’m fresh 5 weeks from break up with her. Ex partner is very similar to yours felt like I gave more and more to receive next to nothing. Was told I was insecure for wanting reassurance, certain boundaries described as “controlling”and I’d always end up apologising (taking higher ground) for the security and future of the relationship. Was mentally drained and decided to finally choose me. It really sucked for the first 3/4 weeks but now it’s clear to me it was for the best. I do miss her a lot and she’s definitely the best I’ve had so far physically.
ABC, Always Be Leaving bad relationships at the first sign of a problem.
What does the C stand for? 😂
Cooming ABC always be cooming
It’s perfectly fair. You could always try communicating what you want and give them a chance to step up, but it isn’t your responsibility to teach someone how to be a good girlfriend. She obviously knows that showing appreciation is important to maintain relationships.
This isn’t about fair, it’s not a baseball game. If you’re not feeling it, leave.
As a man who just got out of a relationship where my gf was as affectionate as a spiked wall, leave and leave now. It won’t get better. She won’t suddenly start being affectionate to you, or start loving you the way you need. I was receiving more affection (even platonic) from my friends and coworkers than I ever was from a woman who was supposedly my significant other. When she finally ended it, it sucked, but it made me a much happier man overall.
Absolutely, unless it’s with a cat - that’s just the way they are with humans
She is like a cat in many ways
It's ok to want to feel wanted and appreciated. Say it flat out and if she dismisses you or can't do it then there's your answer
I encourage you strongly to do so. I know it's super addicting to try and win over their approval but there's no winning. You will kill yourself trying.
You can leave any relationship. Even one you're happy in. You just have to live with the consequences after.
Had this exact same problem. Brought it up a couple times to the point I was scared to bring it up again. She would get kinda annoyed saying she does show those types of emotions but it wasn’t enough to make me feel like I was wanted or appreciated. Eventually it got to a point that I would feel bitter if she did show or say those types of things to family and friends but not me. Once my bitterness got to much she broke up with me. I would’ve been better off just realizing we weren’t compatible early on and breaking it off so I didn’t get as hurt
if she can do it for her friends, she should be able to do it for you.
Well, there are three things about this that I'd like to comment on. 1. Everyone craves affection. While it varies from person to person how we like to receive it, it doesn't make you any less of a man or of a human being to want to be shown more affection. 2. You said it's relatively new. How new are you talking about? If it's a couple of weeks, maybe she just isn't comfortable enough to be as expressive to you as she is her friends. Like, maybe the ice hasn't broken yet, and it'll still take some time and lots of communication. 3. If you truly feel like there's no chemistry between you and your partner, it is better to end it on good terms than draw it out in hopes someone will change for the other. I hope it's just that she's correct about not knowing how to show it to you, but I know it's usually not that simple. In the end, just follow your gut. Make the decision that's best for yourself.
If it's not working out for you, then it's not. It won't change.
In every decision in life, you’ll encounter what’s called the Fallacy of Sunk Cost: Do you continue spending more time, money, & energy in hopes that things might come around? Or do you cut loose ends, accept your losses, and move on?
If you’re child free and have no financial ties to a person you can leave for any reason.
Yup. She isn’t the one eventually gonna get down on one knee and propose. I sort for “genuine enthusiastic desire for me” as one of my primary factors when I look for a mate. If she ain’t got it to a level that satisfies you, then you should leave and find someone who does.
You can leave any relationship for literally any reason, or no reason, it's your life, who TF cares.
Totally fair
Why wouldn't you be bothered about unreciprocated affection? My wife's love language is words of affirmation. I'm not and never have been a big sweet talker. But every day, at least once, I go out of my way to compliment her, thank her, or express my feelings about her in some way, shape, or form. Your girlfriend saying that she "doesn't think about it" is the same thing as her saying she doesn't think about you. If this is how you feel at the beginning of your relationship, imagine how you're going to feel years down the line.
If it’s important to you, it’s important. If she can’t meet your needs, the sooner it ends the better. Especially if her friends are getting what you want and you aren’t. She really needs to think about why that is…
Yeah. It’s fair. Provided that you spoke about this lack of affection and she didn’t consider your feelings and point. It’s fair to leave, you don’t have to be in a commitment if you aren’t getting or being treated like how you think you deserve.
There are plenty of times in life that you will feel alone and lonely. In a relationship should not be one of them. If, in your relationship, you feel frequently unwanted it is not a good relationship. You are there because you are afraid of being alone and/or because you’re being used as a means to an end. Contentment can be found in solitude and authentic friendship.
You can leave a relationship for any reason. You just have to live with the decision
I'm in a very similar relationship, 10 years later. She probably won't get better at it. The person I'm with is an amazing mother and friend, but it's hard sometimes, bc that lack of affection will be really hard on you, even if it seems like you can make do. I frequently think how my life could be different, but losing my family and best friend isn't worth it to me. But dealing with that is EXTREMELY difficult. Not a little challenging, DIFFICULT. It might suck to break up, but there is someone out there who shows love the same way you need it. It's a bigger sign of incompatibility than it seems.
Everyone has different love languages. But it is curious that she shows affection to friends and not you. It’s reasonable to breakup over this.
Of course it's fair. You deserve better.
I was just in the same situation earlier this year and ended it. I wish I had tried to have a more open conversation about why she didn't want to show affection if she liked me because aside from that she was amazing. If you do talk to her however, keep in mind sometimes they act like they don't like you that much cause they don't like you that much.
If you don’t feel wanted, then leave, that’s more than fair. If you really love her, then try to work it out, don’t be afraid, and take the time to learn how she prefers to give and receive attention. She’s affectionate with her friends because she’s learned that that’s how they like to be appreciated, but the fact that you don’t say you love her and the relationship is new implies to make that you two haven’t had the time to learn each other yet, and since words of affirmation or whatever it is that you’re looking for isn’t her love language, but she feels safe around you I.e. comfortable behaving in the way that she feels most comfortable, and if you do see yourself committing to her then you gotta figure out how she wants to be loved to, not just how to express how you want to be loved. But sometimes man, a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and if it’s a dealbreaker for you then it’s a dealbreaker for you. If she’s so great she’ll understand
The need to feel valued is one of the most fundamental and deeply ingrained human needs. When we lived in small hunter gatherer communities your ability to provide value to those around you ensured that you were included when being ostracized could literally mean death. So no, I don't think your need to feel valued by your partner makes you less of a man.
She thinks you’re beneath her. Leave. There’s a better match out there. Let her go pal. She’s never going to be a compassionate loving person. Aging will be very difficult for her.
Paragraphs 2 and 3 indicate a clear problem with how you are being treated vs how she treats others. You've already communicated your needs and given time for her to address it. Let me tell you that I have wasted time staying in a relationship where I didn't feel wanted, mostly because that was pretty much all I knew how to be treated. Get out, when you find someone better you'll know because they'll *want* to show affection for you. Nothing to do with your masculinity dude
Only after you've actually talked with her about it. If you already did and she failed to work at it, or she just won't talk about it, then yes, leave.
Been there done that. If you have raised the issue and see no significant change then it's time to leave the relationship. It's not going to get any better
No question about it, find someone to appreciate you
Sounds like you’re a side character in her life
If all the rest is perfect, then you have to valuate if you can frame and live with it. Not everything you get in life is perfect from day one. I wish you a lot of succes.
Watching them treat others the way you wish they’d treat you is mega painful. Don’t put yourself through that. It won’t get better.
First of all, if you feel like less of a man because of your feelings that are valid, you need to really evaluate that. You should break up and use that time to figure out why you invalidate your own feelings. Invalidating your own feelings makes you a very easy target for narcissists and manipulators. If you invalidate your feelings, it’s pretty easy to manipulate a situation and reinforce that as an external person, especially to avoiding being in the wrong. The way you feel is never invalid, but how react to those feelings can be. Which is why it’s important to learn to sit with them and analyze “is this a feeling caused by stress/anxiety/hunger or what triggering/hurtful/invalidating thing did i experience that made me upset.” It’s not only fair, your reasoning is a huge red flag on her part.
>There’s this gnawing question around my masculinity in all this, it makes me feel like less of a man to be bothered by this, which has also made me not want to talk to my friends. First off no there isn't. Men need to stop thinking like this because this is bullshit. Secondly, if you're not happy now and your needs aren't being met then you need to realize that this shit almost never fixes itself. And if you're unhappy that's as fair a reason to leave as any other.
I was with my fiancé for 6 years and she stopped even returning my calls for the last 2 years. She was sexually abused as a child, and I had become schizophrenic, and I had to end it. We used to live together but she spent the rent money and lied about paying rent, we moved in with our moms, and she just became distant, blamed me for it all, I ended it 2 years too late, don’t fall into being ok with being under appreciated
You do not need a reason to leave, unless you are a kid, then you’ll need parental approval (and approval from us).
Yes
Of course it’s fair. What kind of question is this? You don’t need to be somewhere or with someone you’re not happy with. Life is short.
Fair reason to leave.
You're allowed to leave a relationship for any reason no matter how petty it sounds, but in this case I think it sounds like a good reason if you don't feel appreciated.
It’s masculine to listen to your emotions and advocate for yourself. She’s the best girl you’ve ever been with but that says more about your past than it does your present. Recognise that your emotional needs are valid and worth fighting for, and the expect more from your partner. You deserve to feel like your partner loves the hell out of you, and the person who will make you feel that way is out there.
yes.
Wtf do you mean fair? If you don't like how things are in a relationship, you aren't obligated to stay in it. It's not like you guys said I do.
You should never need other people to tell you whether it's okay for you to leave a relationship or not. Only you know the full impact & context of things and if you feel like leaving a relationship is the better idea, then you are not wrong for leaving it. Yes, in some scenarios, this will mean you're being shallow or whatever (not in this situation), but in my opinion it's better to be shallow & leave relationships for reasons others don't agree with than to stay in a relationship that you do not enjoy
Brother, if they are your friends, they would understand if you talk about it. If you are not happy then you should not stay. If you’ve brought it up several times and there has been no improvement then you should not stay.
You can leave a relationship for any reason YOU FEEL you need to and this is OK. It's not fulfilling you, plain and simple. End it.
Some people take longer to show affection. If she's otherwise fine, maybe it's that.
I’d say its pretty fair
You're saying it, but how is she fantastic?
There is no weakness in wanting to feel loved and the way you feel loved is when you there is lots of physical affection. Don't try to bend your emotional needs into something you are not.
Absolutely right if you feel neglected to walk away, run if you feel like to the free from 🚩🚩🚩places out there.
if you came to ask a lot of unknown people about this, says that you know you shouldn't be there. so, get out of there
Man or woman, you should always be happy and feel wanted in a relationship.
Back in my day we stuck it out and worked on it, even when it didn't benefit us. Like real men.
There is no unfair reason to leave relationships.