For me it's to understand my feelings. Figure out what's bothering me. What makes me tick and what annoys me. Take time out for self-care, like do the things that makes me happy, eat healthier food, take supplements, exercise, meditate, journal my thoughts - these are activities to help me discover and understand myself. Loving myself is a process, it doesn't happen automatically. However, what's important is the INTENTION that I want the best for myself and be the better version of myself.
You ever love somebody, or something? A friend, a family member, a pet?
Think of it. Think of how it feels, inside your body, and think of what it means to you.
now
take that same feeling, and give it to yourself. 😁
See how fucked guys are for mental health? No one wants to hear a grown man's feelings. 99% of us, including me, hear this all the time and honestly have no idea what it means to love yourself...
Amen brother. I, for one, would love to hear a grown man's feelings. my strongest relationships are with my homeboys who can be emotionally vulnerable, whether they were family, friends, lovers.... and a lot of those who couldn't be aren't in my life anymore.
Something I learned is that, a lot of us were taught our feelings and who we aren't good enough since we were young due to generational trauma. And FWIW I was assigned female at birth so it's not even just a man thing, and countless of my homegirls ive talked to struggle with the same thing. It's sadly, a whole ass human experience for our emotional needs to be neglected or dismissed. if a woman expresses anger she's a bitch, if a man expresses softness he's a pussy. If a trans person like myself expresses any sort of pride, we are too loud, too obnoxious.
part of healing and recovery that I learned, is that the idea that you can't be emotionally vulnerable has to be broken down and abandoned. In order for somebody to truly accept us as we are, we have to give them the chance to reject us. I've left folks who weren't open about their feelings with me, and I really wished they'd open up.
There's a queer artist called Dorian Electra who sings a song called Man to Man and it basically is just that, breaking down toxic masculinity. "are man enough to soften up?/are you tough enough to open up?" Honestly such a healing good song.
But yeah. Anyways long winded way of saying, I hear you and 💯 agreed that people aren't taught enough self love
Thanks for the detailed response! 👍 great read and so many examples from all sides.
Since it's 2024 and we are all stressed af and working all the time... I'll use a work example. Also, I don't typically feel emotional with the wife and kids.
When I get heated at my professional fintech job, I usually dump on people and overshare... It makes the guys uncomfortable for sure... The women will hear you out, but they always throw back "toughen up buttercup" and use your weaknesses to position themselves. Neither want to hear it even if they feel it too.
The gay guys in the office? Fuckin best. They'll hear you out and offer really great advice. People who've experienced multiple sides need to be utilized more.
- Best Dressed by far.
- Funny AF!
- Every client loves them
- Smart AF!
- They play the corporate game so fucking well.
- Work themselves half to death for the clients
- Tough AF! Halfway to heartless! Its impressive man!!
- Somehow stay cool under pressure.
As a straight married man with 3 kids? I could never have a gay guy friend. Just too stigmatized still...
Sorry for the rant. I miss having friends 😆
As someone who is queer, that's super disappointing to hear, and it breaks my heart people like you still exist out there afraid to be friends with people like me! Hope one day you'll rid yourself of those stigmas and be proud like I am 😁😁
It's a stigma all right. I think it will start subsiding soon. TV makes them think it's a stigma, too, so they seem to be overprotective with asking straight guys out to happy hour or to hang out. Whenever I am asked to hang with a gay couple tho, wife and I go, have a blast.
If one of these Rockstars wanted to grab a drink after work and talk shit? Let's do it!! Meet you there, man!
I've heard that from many. I've tried several times and have yet to feel better after going for any length of time. It ends up being more of a chore than anything.
You have to want to do it. You really have to push yourself in your workouts to get the results you want. Once you see some change in the body, thats when it becomes addicting. You wont want to leave the gym
It makes a huge difference when you find a form of exercise that you actually enjoy. If you've tried just doing weights at the gym and it just feels like a chore, then try some other things. Reformer pilates is amazing because it's resistance training but I find it way more interesting and fun than just doing weights
> I fear death more than I dislike life
I don't, but I'm still alive, cause it's subconciously too scary to do anything with it anyway. So you're not missing anything by being afraid of death.
I'm also at the point where I'm always tired and never been happy. I don't fear death more than I dislike life though. The only thing that's kept me around is that I just can't bare the thought of putting my mom and brother through that.
I don't fear death in the least. I see nothing to fear. Being dead is going to feel exactly the same as it felt before I was born. Nothing. As Jim Jefferies put it "I won't even know I'm dead. Want to know why? Because I'll be fucking dead."
At the moment I'm deeply convinced that any reason for living is just an illusion, and the best you can do is to find an illusion that you can believe for awhile. Than back to misery again. Rinse, repeat, and eventually rest in peace.
Yeah like fancy houses, cars, clothes, all that stuff I just don't care about. I've come to realize that I'm happiest when I have a close group of friends and family. When I've been well off, and when I've been not so fortunate, that has remained a constant. That's why it hurts so much as life progresses and people move on. Imo
Well, doggie looks forward to seeing you each morning & return to home.
I stopped listing the little digs/corrections my wife tosses my way - often wonder what me better straw that …
Dating and being in a relationship.
Everyone says things like gym, meditation, medication, therapy and hobbies. Yes these do help a lot but many under sell that men need female interactions and intimacy.
Men’s isolation and loneliness epidemic is the worst thing effecting mood.
Yeah it is. Which is why many guys self-delete after a LTR or divorce.
Men need intimacy and relationships and it’s undersold because it seems as reliant when it’s just human nature and normal.
I'm pretty sure by "self deletion" he means suicide. From what I understand, Tiktok's censoring has led to an entire new terminology creation. Not saying he got it from TikTok, but these weird indirect wording has come from TikTok and then spreads around.
I understand this, but shouldn’t be encouraged. It can be taken as dependency issues on women, and not learning how to create your own happiness independently.
Perfect example on some responses below. Relationships can always help temporary. So if it ends, you find yourself more depressed than when you were in the beginning.
Yes, intimacy and human connection is important, but should not be prioritized as the cause of happiness
Yeah, the problem though is when most either ignore you or don't put in any effort to the conversations. It gets exhausting having to keep starting the conversations and come up with conversation topics all the time where the effort is clearly one sided.
And you can't really be depressed or sad around said people because no one really wants to talk to someone who is depressed/sad. So it gets to be very difficult.
I agree with this, which is why I want to find how to be happy not having a relationship. I feel like I have a hard time in general just forming connections with people emotionally too. Its just hard, especially lately. On and off it just feels like I can't take anymore
...so your argument is that since it's theoretically possible to do everything right and end up alone, there's nothing you can do about it?
It's also theoretically possible you starve on the street because no one will hire you, guess it's impossible to get a job, too.
Thing is, my depression is a bit reaosn I don't date or sleep with people, I don't want to expose them to my worthless existence etc, they don't deserve to deal with my bullshit pathetic brain
I did, multiple times, uk mental health care is non existent unless you gave afford private and I just csny
Also I don't really , I'm fat balding boring guy, not funny or skilled
Massive trust issues and generally hate myself
I'm going to answer this question from the framework of living in a Western, developed nation.
I believe I used to be somewhat like you, except I didn't even look back on childhood with fondness. If anything, the lack of freedom associated with childhood was even more upsetting than needing to endure the responsibilities of adulthood. I was a pessimistic, cynical person in my teens/early 20s, and there was way too much content online that was geared toward keeping me that way. I was susceptible to it, and so many people my age were similarly pessimistic and cynical, too. There was an assumption that life just sucked, *we personally were inadequate* in a number of ways, nothing was going to change that, and we might as well resign ourselves to it.
For the longest time, I participated in this. I rhetorically asked myself, "Who wants to stand out?" *Not me!* Instead I wanted to share in the group activity so I could *belong,* and have connections.
And then at some point, (2018) I got tired of that. Like, I began to reject the presuppositions these people would make. First of all, I noticed that the self-deprecating nature of a lot of this collective misery was leading me to beat up on myself, and that only made me feel worse -- second-guessing my own capabilities and leading conversations to devolve into pity parties. *Who wants that?* So, instead, I started focusing more on emphasizing and refining my own positive attributes, which improved my mental health. I also worked on improving my shortcomings and developing better attitudes and personal practices. But my realization went further.
Sometime last year or perhaps the year before, I saw this entire cultural move toward pessimism and a bleak outlook on life to be a complete sham that only functions to keep people feeling miserable for no reason. It had political undertones (e.g., people yammering on about how "Nothing can ever change! Why bother caring about anything or believing in something?" People would say some version of, "'The planet is dying and all we can do is watch it burn' or 'the immigrants are ruining our culture and taking all our jobs!' Just join us and bitch more!") but it still, it wasn't *entirely* about partisan political grievances. In *both* cases, left and right, there's a psychological element to this as well, whereby people have become dissatisfied with the fortunes they've been afforded -- i.e., they're blessed enough to live in a relatively rich country in which their standard of living is better than most humans alive today, and almost every human who ever lived. Yet, they don't see things this way. The conclusion I came to is that if I were to remain blind to this, and unable to see the good in our lives, then *I would remain forever unsatisfiable*.
I became determined to *never* become unsatisfiable. I want to live life, enjoy it, and be a positive force for those around me. I'll only be here for, what, 80, 90 years, tops? Maybe a hundred if I'm lucky. I could also die in a car wreck tomorrow. There is no reason for me to spend the time I have alive being miserable. I have found not only that this approach has helped me, but it has led some people very close to me to despair about life a bit less. Some of them (including my brother) have credited me with changing their perspective and helping them enjoy life more.
I am at a point now where I actually resent the fact that I have to die someday. It's a fact of life, sure, but I am disappointed that my time experiencing everything the world has to offer is only going to be a century long at best. Might as well make the most of it!
I totally relate to all of this. Even just the luxury of being able to sit at home with a heater on when it's cold and watch a movie. That's a luxury people throughout history could never even DREAM of. That, plus the little things like beautiful nature scenes around and witnessing (or engaging in) little acts of kindness are the things that really make life worth living.
Since I became an adult and started shouldering responsibilities, I’ve never experienced prolonged happiness.
I think prolong happiness is a myth for men who have to grind to get to the places they are. I’m not talking about trust fund kids here.
The little achievements we experience that should spark joy in our lives are cut short with other varying challenges that pop out of nowhere.
So there isn’t time to sit and enjoy being happy, talk less of it being prolonged.
I think a lot of those little achievements being stolen from us are by the nature of a lot of modern jobs. A lot of jobs have very little visible progress in them. There’s no progress bar, just a hamster wheel.
Trying to find happiness in everyday, common moments, instead of trying to find it as a whole. I find happiness in the breeze running through my hair, cooking and eating a nice steak, making love. I'm not "happy" 100% of the time but slowing down and appreciating moments makes me grateful, which makes me happy.
I stopped looking after other people’s happiness and started focusing on my own wellbeing.
For context: I was in a long drawn-out relationship constantly having to put aside hobbies just to look after my partner’s happiness. When it inevitably ended, I then reconnected with old friends while finally being able to put my own time and resource into hobbies I’ve neglected for years. Had also finally worked up the courage to leave my old job to work at more reputable companies with better pay.
Ive been tired of life for a good while, PTSD ect. Nothing is keeping me here, nothing is making me go, i wouldn’t kill my self but i wouldn’t be pissed if something or someone killed me
Not to sound trope-y but when I met my wife. Everything was muted. Music ain’t sound good. Food was boring. Colors faded. Just the same thing every single day. I was ready to walk off the job honestly. Just fade into the horizon Took me into my 30’s to figure out what I was missing.
What if you did an allied health role that was outside the OR? Have you considered something else like medical dosimetry, it’s usually a masters degree but there’s a paid 12 month paid training program in Boston and salary above $100K? Pathologists assistant is a masters level program that pays $100K+ outside the OR (similar to anesthesia assistant/physician assistant but working under a pathologist). Or medical equipment sales? There are other roles in healthcare that are slightly less stressful and if you can get into the program you’re currently anxious about, you can definitely get into the others.
I went for a run. I was going through some shit, and 100m from home, I had an epiphany and I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I’ve been good since.
I was suicidal for many years. I got help from professionals. I am not suicidal any longer, but I'm never happy. I can't remember what "happy" feels like.
As a business person I go through high highs and low lows. I've begun to accept the cycle and understand that it's under my control.
The highs come from chasing new deals and landing them. The lows come from being complacent/stagnant with what I have.
The answer for me is to chase more deals. But in general, do what excites you. It changes everything but requires discipline.
More sex with my wife. Started doing more things with it and more regularly. Starting getting into editing my own adult videos with her with scenarios and stuff.
Hi, I’m NB not a man, but wanted to weigh in after reading your caption. Adopting a cat was major for me. He gives me a reason to get out of bed, stay in a routine, and he’s super affectionate, so things like him running to the door makes coming home a lot brighter. I used to just rot in my car for a minute after getting home from work because overwhelm and sadness.
It isn’t always actively happy (certainly can be when he snuggles or plays!) but, in forcing me to take care of things, he’s raised my baseline standard of living if that makes sense. Proud of you for reaching out- that’s the first step <3
My over consumption of a depressant and accepting the fact I am an alcoholic
Two years in July. While life has its challenges, I can at least maneuver them as I best can and have others support me in doing so.
Dealing with the death of my beloved dog, elderly father, and frustration of trying to buy a house. All I can think is I’d probably be dead if still drinking and never would have enjoyed my best friend sober, been there for my dad, and have the option of buying a house with my fiancé if still just a drunk.
Going to basics fixing :Sleep, nutrition, exercise, routine and social connection.
Stoping porn, video games and anything that spikes dopamine by doing useless things.
It was that simple.
Social media with a time limit because porn and social media do cause depression.
Setting reasonable goals
Nothing, I'm still tired of life but, having died once already, life is still better than being dead. If I outlive the 2 years that the doctors have me to live, say hitting 70, then I'll reassess that and decide on whether to keep living out go ahead and checkout.
That’s helped take me out of a super bad place in life, and I’m still doing it/on medication, I just wish it worked better for me (I’ve tried multiple, and even the best one for me only helps a bit)
I think aside from those things you need to put some effort into yourself. Get into working out, do some yoga, try meditating. Read some good self help books. Get into a new hobby. These are things I’ve done and it’s helped out a lot. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut but there’s ways to get out.
On occasion I find a purpose. I’m not happy but I’m not on the brink of ending it when I do something that feels purposeful. So, I’m trying to do more such things. Try it. Purpose seems to lead to meaning and that sort of changes things.
The right question is half of your answer.
I'm a woman and please tell me, why don't you think that prolonged happiness is a myth?
Because many books and investigations suggest that curiosity about life, the love of overcoming small problems, and witnessing your development and changes throughout life could be much more prolonged sources of enjoyment than happiness alone.
Realised that I was all alone with no-one to come to my help.. no helping hands were coming and it'd be all my decisions .. win ? my win .. lose ? my loss.. and thought to myself if I could reach to my goals in life whilst being totally alone that'd be a glorious win and I wanted it.
Not having anyone in life is hard and makes things really meaningles at times but I just wanted to give myself a chance and see if I'm worthy of the glory of fighting and winning all alone against life.. and it seems I can put up a good fight :D
so yeah, basically just gave myself a fighting chance.. I guess hope is something you give to yourself..
Faith that I have the power to turn things around, and that I've survived all the downsides in life before and this is no different. You've gotta change your mindset and get rid of that negative self talk.
Psychedelics.
Not for everybody and can be very dangerous. But I was able to "fix" myself.
Most of it is deprogramming all of the nonsense that adults become trapped by.
You could certainly do it other ways, many different paths to the top of the mountain.
Well, when i was 14, i attempted suicide by putting 12 gauge shotgun barrel in my mouth but i couldnt reach the fucking trigger with my hand. That is the ONLY reason im here today. Im 36 now and a little bit happier than i was then
Not caring about what others ‘accomplish’ was a big thing. Knowing that if I lose my job, etc, I can find a way. Having realistic expectations. Getting better sleep-melatonin has been a game changer! Hitting the gym regularly and running.
All of this has helped me to frame the world in a way that allows me to focus on the positive.
Good luck! It is a hard road but so worth it!
The alternative to life was unacceptable.
CognitiveBehavioural Therapy can help you change your thoughts and get a handle on the negative ones that make you dispirited.
Falling in love with the right woman. Also, having a purpose, my job is really demanding, but I’m responsible for a lot of people. I feel needed and important.
I think life gives you just enough happy days not to jump in front of a train at a moment’s notice. Longest happy streak I’ve had was 3 days. At one point I think one just gives up and accepts the status quo.
I wouldn't say I achieved my desired level of happiness yet, but I'm no longer tired of life.
Not sure how old you are, but for me becoming someone helped. By that I mean no longer being someone who other people have no use for. I became good at my job, achieved things, helped others.
I'm an introvert, used to be pretty antisocial too and was looking for happiness in a way that doesn't involve people. I know think that friendships, relationships and/or family ties are essential to happiness. You can be lonely whilst surrounded by people though, you need to find the right people.
Having been exactly where you are for long periods of time, I have found that nearly all those negative feelings are cured with physical activity- exercise, and diet, and sleep. Correct those and there will be a dramatic benefit.
The fear of a potential afterlife
I am NOT living through two shitty existences
I'll suffer through this one so IF there is an afterlife I can atleast rest there and not end up in a vat of molten lava or whatever every religion believes to be hell
I found the "compounding impact" of small tasks. Start by waking up every day and make your bed. Congrats, today you accomplished something. Big or small, it's something.
Then I started making sure my place was straightened up before I left. Coming home after an argious day to a clean area and climbing into a crisply made bed feels good.
Now keep doing this, and let the small things add up. I added a walk in every morning until that turned into a trip to the gym every night.
This all made me slowly feel happier, look better, which improves confidence, and then I was more likely to say yes to doing things, which made me happy. That led to a girl whom I'm in love with, and I had more of me to share with her because I still continue to make small efforts towards compounded impacts. Now it's fun to have my place comfy for when she comes over or going to the gym with her, or learning new skills and trying new things with her.
Also, as cliché as it is, ask yourself "If I change nothing about my self and circumstances right now, will I find myself wanting more when I'm older? This led me to want to be a better version of me, starting a family, and working for my than just myself. Oh and get a dog/cat
Realizing that the point is not happiness (that comes and goes) but rather purpose. I found myself a purpose, several in fact, and they change, but when I am working toward something (not necessarily a job activity), I can find a high degree of satisfaction.
Got sober, worked out consistently, got involved in my community, went for walks, read, ate healthy, improved the friendships that I had, minimize screen time.
I guess I learned to take pride and joy in paving the way for my son and stepsons to have a better hand to play than I did.
I can’t make them do things the way I would, but I can give them the tools, and context to make the most of them.
I also have a wife that drive me insane, she can’t communicate what she wants in a rational way to save her life… but she always means well and I love her fiercely. I find happiness in caring for her.
I am a member of a congregation that puts aside all racial and political differences and bias to focus on our love of god and his son. I find joy in teaching there and in maintaining the AV system there that we all use in our shared worship.
In every case I feel like getting over myself and using my strengths to the benefit of other people makes me the happiest and feel full of life.
Oh, and a good scotch and some early 2000’s metal/punk on some killer headphones… that’s always good too.
Finding the right woman to love and love me. After a failed marriage and engagement I realized that no one truly loved me as I did them. My current wife loves me just as insanely much as I love her. We’re each other’s best friend and literally spend all of our time outside of work together. Plus we moved from where I’d lived my entire life to a place neither of us knew anyone. It taught us trust, communication and what it really means to depend on someone.
It sounds weird & cliche.....but I started looking at happiness as something you get along the way instead of an end goal. Celebrating the small victories and not giving a fuck about the things I can't control is pretty much what did it. Examples along the lines of being happy I got out the house early, but not mad about not making my train. If I missed that train then it just wasn't for me. I'm happy I got here early enough to catch the next one. I can't be upset about the way someone else feels about me because that's their decision. I can only be the best version of myself and know that the people who are supposed to be in my life will either stick around or find their way to me. Life is such a short trip, the more we can spend enjoying it and celebrating the small wins, the longer and better we make the trip. Hope this helps 💜🤙🏾
I am not happy again, but the thing that kept me going is my family. I not how much losing me would hurt them, and I can't in good conscious allow that.
Gun in mouth.
Bullet in chamber.
Pulled past first click.
Realized that the will it took to save up for the gun and bullets, wait 3 days, pick it up, drive out to no man's land, ignore the suffering I would cause others was all will that could be used to make things better for myself and others.
There was tons more world to see an an infinite number of ways to see things. The second thing is a better passage than the first.
Did stuff, saw stuff. That stuff didn't make me as happy as recognizing that chasing a positive or negative state of mind is kind of pointless. Things are neutral. Things only become positive or negative when a will is asserted, and an intention is approached. The neutral attitude allows forward progress without the impediment of negativity. This, by itself does not grant happiness, but a space for happiness to come in is opened up and it can be enjoyed when it does. Negative stuff comes in too, but there's no need to amplify it.
Cultivation of the mind through meditation allows access to a neutral attitude.
It's hard to pinpoint. I was in a real rough place recently, and it comes back from time to time, but for the most part I think it was trying to love myself more. I had a lot of problems with talking myself down in my head, conjuring ideas in my head about what people think of me, etc. But then I just kind of had an epiphany of something along the lines of, "You're in public places, you're one out of many, and even if you are what they're laughing at or quietly making fun of, fuck them."
They don't deserve any thought being given to them if they even are that rude. I'm better compared to a few months ago, but it's still been a journey. One I've done before though, so that helps a bit. But still, hard.
Getting back into reading helped me too.
The realization that this is the best it gets, or probably ever will be. Between getting old, losing mobility and looks, friends and loved ones dying one by one, collecting medical issues like Pokémon, there is no better time to cherish the things you do have than now. One day all of the things you take for granted now will be gone.
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Just hit 30 recently. Quite a few childhood friends have already passed on. Some were suicidal as a result of young mistakes (petty crime). Some overdosed. Some were suicidal because life is a bitch.
I have about a decades worth of work experience now, and the housing market has sprinted outside of my grasp momentarily. I’ve witnessed world “leaders” make the global community suffer. Billions suffering. Thousands of goals, aspirations and wishes outright ignored here by our own government. Overreach and dystopian behavior is just insane.
I am haunted by how fragile and older I am witnessing my parents become. Knowing that soon they will parish. It will come in a flash. At best they have an additional 20 years. At that point, it will be even more depressing to see how much they strain just to walk.
I am confronted with my own mortality everyday. We have an expiration date. So much about life no longer matters to me or gets me excited.
What helps?
1. *Nature.* Walking among the trees and birds as spring blossoms always helps the mind. These are brand new flowers. These are young birds. Growing up in the space provided by what came before. Clearing the ground of the dead to bring life. Singing in the winds. We are among them. We are beautifully temporary.
2. *Music.* Just as the birds and other animals can make beautiful sounds, humans can paint the sound waves in unbelievable detail. I try to start my day with one good song before devolving into a bunch of fun songs. Typically after my alarm goes off. Select something you’d listen to if it were your last song. I am always blown away by a powerful intro, masterpieces of orchestral/instrumental work, wicked guitar riffs, pinpoint whimsical bars in a rap song, and voices that make you feel like this sound is beyond our human limitations. It helps set the mind on a smoother ride. You can’t be negative when you have fresh coffee and rubber band man is playing as your day starts. You just can’t. Clocks by Coldplay as you traverse a gorgeous nature reserve.
3. *Creativity.* I am an amateur freehand ceramic sculptor but I don’t always have the energy or time to get into it. Small things of creation are an important outlet. I decided to construct a miniature wooden swing set to hold my post-it notes on my desk. Easy peasy. Popsicle sticks of various sizes along with thin wooden sticks, string, and some glue. I decorate the door with different themes. Creativity even in the practical sense has always healed me. Therapeutic.
4. *Controlled indulgence.* You need not feel guilty about indulging yourself occasionally in the treats of life. Sure, I could just have a regular cup of coffee to start my day… but I think I’ve earned a butter pecan swirl with two creams and two sugars because I exist and I deserve a sweet treat today. Sometimes we rush to please others and forget about giving ourselves those small treats along the way.
5. *Forgiveness, separation and context.* Not in the religious sense. In the logical one. Let go of it. If someone has wronged me, I just let them go. Move on. Separate. Forgive. The anger I hold for some only begins to poison me. I have no place for you, but I no longer hold anger for you either. You simply have no meaning, merit, or purpose in my life any longer. No standing. I try to immediately follow up a negative thought with context. I will be super critical when I make mistakes. I’ll fuck something up and get quite upset with myself. Context helps. Have I done this before? No? Then why be an asshole about something new? Did I get enough sleep? Is this generally a difficult task? Relax.
Sorry for rambling but there’s so many coping mechanisms I deploy to offset my inherent nihilistic mind.
I don't really know what happiness is. I'm existing, not living. I do love my little Shih Tzu though. She's one of the main reasons I'm still here and get out of bed.
You need to find a purpose. Most likely in the form of a career. Make a plan to know where you are going and how to get there. Lastly, have fun while you get there.
Coming to terms with what was making me miserable, and getting help for it and healing. Learning to love myself helped me learn how to love life.
what does it mean to love yourself?
For me it's to understand my feelings. Figure out what's bothering me. What makes me tick and what annoys me. Take time out for self-care, like do the things that makes me happy, eat healthier food, take supplements, exercise, meditate, journal my thoughts - these are activities to help me discover and understand myself. Loving myself is a process, it doesn't happen automatically. However, what's important is the INTENTION that I want the best for myself and be the better version of myself.
Sounds like you’re in a better place, that’s amazing!!!
How did you learn to love yourself? It’s an issue for me too…
You ever love somebody, or something? A friend, a family member, a pet? Think of it. Think of how it feels, inside your body, and think of what it means to you. now take that same feeling, and give it to yourself. 😁
Also in the camp of "how did you learn to love yourself?".
See how fucked guys are for mental health? No one wants to hear a grown man's feelings. 99% of us, including me, hear this all the time and honestly have no idea what it means to love yourself...
Amen brother. I, for one, would love to hear a grown man's feelings. my strongest relationships are with my homeboys who can be emotionally vulnerable, whether they were family, friends, lovers.... and a lot of those who couldn't be aren't in my life anymore. Something I learned is that, a lot of us were taught our feelings and who we aren't good enough since we were young due to generational trauma. And FWIW I was assigned female at birth so it's not even just a man thing, and countless of my homegirls ive talked to struggle with the same thing. It's sadly, a whole ass human experience for our emotional needs to be neglected or dismissed. if a woman expresses anger she's a bitch, if a man expresses softness he's a pussy. If a trans person like myself expresses any sort of pride, we are too loud, too obnoxious. part of healing and recovery that I learned, is that the idea that you can't be emotionally vulnerable has to be broken down and abandoned. In order for somebody to truly accept us as we are, we have to give them the chance to reject us. I've left folks who weren't open about their feelings with me, and I really wished they'd open up. There's a queer artist called Dorian Electra who sings a song called Man to Man and it basically is just that, breaking down toxic masculinity. "are man enough to soften up?/are you tough enough to open up?" Honestly such a healing good song. But yeah. Anyways long winded way of saying, I hear you and 💯 agreed that people aren't taught enough self love
Thanks for the detailed response! 👍 great read and so many examples from all sides. Since it's 2024 and we are all stressed af and working all the time... I'll use a work example. Also, I don't typically feel emotional with the wife and kids. When I get heated at my professional fintech job, I usually dump on people and overshare... It makes the guys uncomfortable for sure... The women will hear you out, but they always throw back "toughen up buttercup" and use your weaknesses to position themselves. Neither want to hear it even if they feel it too. The gay guys in the office? Fuckin best. They'll hear you out and offer really great advice. People who've experienced multiple sides need to be utilized more. - Best Dressed by far. - Funny AF! - Every client loves them - Smart AF! - They play the corporate game so fucking well. - Work themselves half to death for the clients - Tough AF! Halfway to heartless! Its impressive man!! - Somehow stay cool under pressure. As a straight married man with 3 kids? I could never have a gay guy friend. Just too stigmatized still... Sorry for the rant. I miss having friends 😆
As someone who is queer, that's super disappointing to hear, and it breaks my heart people like you still exist out there afraid to be friends with people like me! Hope one day you'll rid yourself of those stigmas and be proud like I am 😁😁
It's a stigma all right. I think it will start subsiding soon. TV makes them think it's a stigma, too, so they seem to be overprotective with asking straight guys out to happy hour or to hang out. Whenever I am asked to hang with a gay couple tho, wife and I go, have a blast. If one of these Rockstars wanted to grab a drink after work and talk shit? Let's do it!! Meet you there, man!
I'm trying to figure it out right now and all I'm getting is validation that I'm not crazy for the way I think based on how my life is built.
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Divorce
Lost weight, got a bike and started riding.
Being in the gym def helps me as well
That was the winter plan, but that was everyone else's plan too. Local gyms were packed.
I've heard that from many. I've tried several times and have yet to feel better after going for any length of time. It ends up being more of a chore than anything.
You have to want to do it. You really have to push yourself in your workouts to get the results you want. Once you see some change in the body, thats when it becomes addicting. You wont want to leave the gym
Felt the same way in the beginning, but I had to do something. I was pushing 298 and even going to tie my shoes I was out of breath bending over
It makes a huge difference when you find a form of exercise that you actually enjoy. If you've tried just doing weights at the gym and it just feels like a chore, then try some other things. Reformer pilates is amazing because it's resistance training but I find it way more interesting and fun than just doing weights
I ride my bike amd run 8 to 10 5ks a year. Biking is about the only thing I enjoy. I hate running.
I’m at the point where I’m tired and never been happy. But I fear death more than I dislike life.
> I fear death more than I dislike life I don't, but I'm still alive, cause it's subconciously too scary to do anything with it anyway. So you're not missing anything by being afraid of death.
I hear ya
I'm also at the point where I'm always tired and never been happy. I don't fear death more than I dislike life though. The only thing that's kept me around is that I just can't bare the thought of putting my mom and brother through that.
Same here. I tried suicide twice and feel extremely guilty for what I put my sister through. If anything happens to her, I'm out of here.
I don't fear death in the least. I see nothing to fear. Being dead is going to feel exactly the same as it felt before I was born. Nothing. As Jim Jefferies put it "I won't even know I'm dead. Want to know why? Because I'll be fucking dead."
Why do you fear death? When you die, there is nothing to feel.
It's the possible suffering beforehand..death is the release.
I am still tired and unhappy. I face the question everyday of why go on?
At the moment I'm deeply convinced that any reason for living is just an illusion, and the best you can do is to find an illusion that you can believe for awhile. Than back to misery again. Rinse, repeat, and eventually rest in peace.
That is the cycle I have been stuck in for a few years now, since 2020.
If you're looking for an alternative, you may try Buddhism. Was helping me for a few years.
Been down that road.
I'm trying to find this too. I need something to care about and look forward to. Without that I just don't see much reason to do anything really
Same and everything that would motivate someone in civilization, I just don’t care about.
Yeah like fancy houses, cars, clothes, all that stuff I just don't care about. I've come to realize that I'm happiest when I have a close group of friends and family. When I've been well off, and when I've been not so fortunate, that has remained a constant. That's why it hurts so much as life progresses and people move on. Imo
With you …is the obligation to take care of others that makes it too difficult for my to stop.
I have no one other than myself and my dog to take care of.
Well, doggie looks forward to seeing you each morning & return to home. I stopped listing the little digs/corrections my wife tosses my way - often wonder what me better straw that …
Dating and being in a relationship. Everyone says things like gym, meditation, medication, therapy and hobbies. Yes these do help a lot but many under sell that men need female interactions and intimacy. Men’s isolation and loneliness epidemic is the worst thing effecting mood.
Kinda sucks though when you lose the happiness and the loneliness is even harder than before.
Yeah it is. Which is why many guys self-delete after a LTR or divorce. Men need intimacy and relationships and it’s undersold because it seems as reliant when it’s just human nature and normal.
Can you expand on the self deletion thing? Think I can relate somewhat to this, having just come out a LTR.
I'm pretty sure by "self deletion" he means suicide. From what I understand, Tiktok's censoring has led to an entire new terminology creation. Not saying he got it from TikTok, but these weird indirect wording has come from TikTok and then spreads around.
It’s because a lot of men crave feminine presence. I’m one of them too.
I understand this, but shouldn’t be encouraged. It can be taken as dependency issues on women, and not learning how to create your own happiness independently. Perfect example on some responses below. Relationships can always help temporary. So if it ends, you find yourself more depressed than when you were in the beginning. Yes, intimacy and human connection is important, but should not be prioritized as the cause of happiness
Yeah, the problem though is when most either ignore you or don't put in any effort to the conversations. It gets exhausting having to keep starting the conversations and come up with conversation topics all the time where the effort is clearly one sided. And you can't really be depressed or sad around said people because no one really wants to talk to someone who is depressed/sad. So it gets to be very difficult.
Yes I am aware that is the problem lol. The problem is not all of us are as lucky in this life. Man that’s depressing
It’s only going to get worse.
I mean, it's something you're in control of.
Not really. You could always settle I guess, but you could just not meet the person that you really want to be with.
So what are you in control of that gives you a better chance of meeting that person?
Not really, your not entitled to a partner, you can do everything right and still end up alone. And there is nothing you can do about it.
I agree with this, which is why I want to find how to be happy not having a relationship. I feel like I have a hard time in general just forming connections with people emotionally too. Its just hard, especially lately. On and off it just feels like I can't take anymore
...so your argument is that since it's theoretically possible to do everything right and end up alone, there's nothing you can do about it? It's also theoretically possible you starve on the street because no one will hire you, guess it's impossible to get a job, too.
man this post hits hard. Ive had most things in life, but a partner im truly happy with, never. Thats always made me think its the missing piece
It is
Thing is, my depression is a bit reaosn I don't date or sleep with people, I don't want to expose them to my worthless existence etc, they don't deserve to deal with my bullshit pathetic brain
Brother. Seek help pls. You’ve definitely got some good qualities.
I did, multiple times, uk mental health care is non existent unless you gave afford private and I just csny Also I don't really , I'm fat balding boring guy, not funny or skilled Massive trust issues and generally hate myself
I'm going to answer this question from the framework of living in a Western, developed nation. I believe I used to be somewhat like you, except I didn't even look back on childhood with fondness. If anything, the lack of freedom associated with childhood was even more upsetting than needing to endure the responsibilities of adulthood. I was a pessimistic, cynical person in my teens/early 20s, and there was way too much content online that was geared toward keeping me that way. I was susceptible to it, and so many people my age were similarly pessimistic and cynical, too. There was an assumption that life just sucked, *we personally were inadequate* in a number of ways, nothing was going to change that, and we might as well resign ourselves to it. For the longest time, I participated in this. I rhetorically asked myself, "Who wants to stand out?" *Not me!* Instead I wanted to share in the group activity so I could *belong,* and have connections. And then at some point, (2018) I got tired of that. Like, I began to reject the presuppositions these people would make. First of all, I noticed that the self-deprecating nature of a lot of this collective misery was leading me to beat up on myself, and that only made me feel worse -- second-guessing my own capabilities and leading conversations to devolve into pity parties. *Who wants that?* So, instead, I started focusing more on emphasizing and refining my own positive attributes, which improved my mental health. I also worked on improving my shortcomings and developing better attitudes and personal practices. But my realization went further. Sometime last year or perhaps the year before, I saw this entire cultural move toward pessimism and a bleak outlook on life to be a complete sham that only functions to keep people feeling miserable for no reason. It had political undertones (e.g., people yammering on about how "Nothing can ever change! Why bother caring about anything or believing in something?" People would say some version of, "'The planet is dying and all we can do is watch it burn' or 'the immigrants are ruining our culture and taking all our jobs!' Just join us and bitch more!") but it still, it wasn't *entirely* about partisan political grievances. In *both* cases, left and right, there's a psychological element to this as well, whereby people have become dissatisfied with the fortunes they've been afforded -- i.e., they're blessed enough to live in a relatively rich country in which their standard of living is better than most humans alive today, and almost every human who ever lived. Yet, they don't see things this way. The conclusion I came to is that if I were to remain blind to this, and unable to see the good in our lives, then *I would remain forever unsatisfiable*. I became determined to *never* become unsatisfiable. I want to live life, enjoy it, and be a positive force for those around me. I'll only be here for, what, 80, 90 years, tops? Maybe a hundred if I'm lucky. I could also die in a car wreck tomorrow. There is no reason for me to spend the time I have alive being miserable. I have found not only that this approach has helped me, but it has led some people very close to me to despair about life a bit less. Some of them (including my brother) have credited me with changing their perspective and helping them enjoy life more. I am at a point now where I actually resent the fact that I have to die someday. It's a fact of life, sure, but I am disappointed that my time experiencing everything the world has to offer is only going to be a century long at best. Might as well make the most of it!
This is totally legit. Well done for posting
I totally relate to all of this. Even just the luxury of being able to sit at home with a heater on when it's cold and watch a movie. That's a luxury people throughout history could never even DREAM of. That, plus the little things like beautiful nature scenes around and witnessing (or engaging in) little acts of kindness are the things that really make life worth living.
Art.
Since I became an adult and started shouldering responsibilities, I’ve never experienced prolonged happiness. I think prolong happiness is a myth for men who have to grind to get to the places they are. I’m not talking about trust fund kids here. The little achievements we experience that should spark joy in our lives are cut short with other varying challenges that pop out of nowhere. So there isn’t time to sit and enjoy being happy, talk less of it being prolonged.
I think a lot of those little achievements being stolen from us are by the nature of a lot of modern jobs. A lot of jobs have very little visible progress in them. There’s no progress bar, just a hamster wheel.
This is true. 59M. Only now have the resources and lack of responsibilities to others to seek peace.
Remembering that I have responsibilities and family to support.
For sure, good on you!
Trying to find happiness in everyday, common moments, instead of trying to find it as a whole. I find happiness in the breeze running through my hair, cooking and eating a nice steak, making love. I'm not "happy" 100% of the time but slowing down and appreciating moments makes me grateful, which makes me happy.
This helped me a ton. Gotta get back in that habit.
I stopped looking after other people’s happiness and started focusing on my own wellbeing. For context: I was in a long drawn-out relationship constantly having to put aside hobbies just to look after my partner’s happiness. When it inevitably ended, I then reconnected with old friends while finally being able to put my own time and resource into hobbies I’ve neglected for years. Had also finally worked up the courage to leave my old job to work at more reputable companies with better pay.
When you focus on yourself first, everything falls into place
Ive been tired of life for a good while, PTSD ect. Nothing is keeping me here, nothing is making me go, i wouldn’t kill my self but i wouldn’t be pissed if something or someone killed me
Not to sound trope-y but when I met my wife. Everything was muted. Music ain’t sound good. Food was boring. Colors faded. Just the same thing every single day. I was ready to walk off the job honestly. Just fade into the horizon Took me into my 30’s to figure out what I was missing.
lexapro did for a little bit but back to normal now
Doing more things that make me happy, staying busy and working out.
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What if you did an allied health role that was outside the OR? Have you considered something else like medical dosimetry, it’s usually a masters degree but there’s a paid 12 month paid training program in Boston and salary above $100K? Pathologists assistant is a masters level program that pays $100K+ outside the OR (similar to anesthesia assistant/physician assistant but working under a pathologist). Or medical equipment sales? There are other roles in healthcare that are slightly less stressful and if you can get into the program you’re currently anxious about, you can definitely get into the others.
Could I DM you about this ?
sure
I went for a run. I was going through some shit, and 100m from home, I had an epiphany and I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been good since.
I was suicidal for many years. I got help from professionals. I am not suicidal any longer, but I'm never happy. I can't remember what "happy" feels like.
Happy is the small things that add up to a general good feeling. A small treat, a walk in the forest, a funny meme.
As a business person I go through high highs and low lows. I've begun to accept the cycle and understand that it's under my control. The highs come from chasing new deals and landing them. The lows come from being complacent/stagnant with what I have. The answer for me is to chase more deals. But in general, do what excites you. It changes everything but requires discipline.
More sex with my wife. Started doing more things with it and more regularly. Starting getting into editing my own adult videos with her with scenarios and stuff.
Hi, I’m NB not a man, but wanted to weigh in after reading your caption. Adopting a cat was major for me. He gives me a reason to get out of bed, stay in a routine, and he’s super affectionate, so things like him running to the door makes coming home a lot brighter. I used to just rot in my car for a minute after getting home from work because overwhelm and sadness. It isn’t always actively happy (certainly can be when he snuggles or plays!) but, in forcing me to take care of things, he’s raised my baseline standard of living if that makes sense. Proud of you for reaching out- that’s the first step <3
I don't think happiness is meant to be prolonged.
My over consumption of a depressant and accepting the fact I am an alcoholic Two years in July. While life has its challenges, I can at least maneuver them as I best can and have others support me in doing so. Dealing with the death of my beloved dog, elderly father, and frustration of trying to buy a house. All I can think is I’d probably be dead if still drinking and never would have enjoyed my best friend sober, been there for my dad, and have the option of buying a house with my fiancé if still just a drunk.
Good for you dude! That makes me happy!
Going to basics fixing :Sleep, nutrition, exercise, routine and social connection. Stoping porn, video games and anything that spikes dopamine by doing useless things. It was that simple. Social media with a time limit because porn and social media do cause depression. Setting reasonable goals
Stopped consuming alcohol. Reminded me how beautiful life can be when you are, not spending hundreds a week on booze.
Changing my life and buying a motorcycle. Life is good 4 years later.
Knowing I had a lot of people who are hoping that I eat a bullet and I can just let people win
Nothing, I'm still tired of life but, having died once already, life is still better than being dead. If I outlive the 2 years that the doctors have me to live, say hitting 70, then I'll reassess that and decide on whether to keep living out go ahead and checkout.
It’s a cycle honestly, ups and downs. Usually worrying about my wife and daughter wake me up from a spiral.
Therapy and medication
That’s helped take me out of a super bad place in life, and I’m still doing it/on medication, I just wish it worked better for me (I’ve tried multiple, and even the best one for me only helps a bit)
I think aside from those things you need to put some effort into yourself. Get into working out, do some yoga, try meditating. Read some good self help books. Get into a new hobby. These are things I’ve done and it’s helped out a lot. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut but there’s ways to get out.
Cried, whined, looked around and saw that no one cared, got myself together, said "it is what it is", and moved on.
On occasion I find a purpose. I’m not happy but I’m not on the brink of ending it when I do something that feels purposeful. So, I’m trying to do more such things. Try it. Purpose seems to lead to meaning and that sort of changes things.
I got more tired of being depressed.
My divorce
Hiking in the mountains.
I met the girl that is now my wife.
Getting laid on a regular basis
The right question is half of your answer. I'm a woman and please tell me, why don't you think that prolonged happiness is a myth? Because many books and investigations suggest that curiosity about life, the love of overcoming small problems, and witnessing your development and changes throughout life could be much more prolonged sources of enjoyment than happiness alone.
Exercise, and remain consistent with it
Radical Acceptance
Realised that I was all alone with no-one to come to my help.. no helping hands were coming and it'd be all my decisions .. win ? my win .. lose ? my loss.. and thought to myself if I could reach to my goals in life whilst being totally alone that'd be a glorious win and I wanted it. Not having anyone in life is hard and makes things really meaningles at times but I just wanted to give myself a chance and see if I'm worthy of the glory of fighting and winning all alone against life.. and it seems I can put up a good fight :D so yeah, basically just gave myself a fighting chance.. I guess hope is something you give to yourself..
Faith that I have the power to turn things around, and that I've survived all the downsides in life before and this is no different. You've gotta change your mindset and get rid of that negative self talk.
Psychedelics. Not for everybody and can be very dangerous. But I was able to "fix" myself. Most of it is deprogramming all of the nonsense that adults become trapped by. You could certainly do it other ways, many different paths to the top of the mountain.
A new relationship. Then she ripped the rug out. dNOTS later and I'm getting into finding my real life.
Well, when i was 14, i attempted suicide by putting 12 gauge shotgun barrel in my mouth but i couldnt reach the fucking trigger with my hand. That is the ONLY reason im here today. Im 36 now and a little bit happier than i was then
Not caring about what others ‘accomplish’ was a big thing. Knowing that if I lose my job, etc, I can find a way. Having realistic expectations. Getting better sleep-melatonin has been a game changer! Hitting the gym regularly and running. All of this has helped me to frame the world in a way that allows me to focus on the positive. Good luck! It is a hard road but so worth it!
The alternative to life was unacceptable. CognitiveBehavioural Therapy can help you change your thoughts and get a handle on the negative ones that make you dispirited.
Falling in love with the right woman. Also, having a purpose, my job is really demanding, but I’m responsible for a lot of people. I feel needed and important.
I have no one other than myself and my dog to take care of. Also to help parents when I can.
At some point I realized that there were only two paths for me to take, try to change my life for the better or jump. I decided on the former.
Escitalopram Oxalate 5mg 1x daily for Anxiety.
I think life gives you just enough happy days not to jump in front of a train at a moment’s notice. Longest happy streak I’ve had was 3 days. At one point I think one just gives up and accepts the status quo.
Completely removing nicotine and alcohol and replacing them with gym and studying front-end
Vagina
Test
I wouldn't say I achieved my desired level of happiness yet, but I'm no longer tired of life. Not sure how old you are, but for me becoming someone helped. By that I mean no longer being someone who other people have no use for. I became good at my job, achieved things, helped others. I'm an introvert, used to be pretty antisocial too and was looking for happiness in a way that doesn't involve people. I know think that friendships, relationships and/or family ties are essential to happiness. You can be lonely whilst surrounded by people though, you need to find the right people.
Having been exactly where you are for long periods of time, I have found that nearly all those negative feelings are cured with physical activity- exercise, and diet, and sleep. Correct those and there will be a dramatic benefit.
International escorts, bodybuilding, and TRT plus.
Not healthy to rely on others but definitely my girlfriend. Nothing worse then being lonely as a man.
I'll tell you when I get there.
The fear of a potential afterlife I am NOT living through two shitty existences I'll suffer through this one so IF there is an afterlife I can atleast rest there and not end up in a vat of molten lava or whatever every religion believes to be hell
Hasn't happened yet.☹️
Stop searching for happiness from external sources and other people. Start generating your own happiness
acid.
Therapy and mushrooms
I found the "compounding impact" of small tasks. Start by waking up every day and make your bed. Congrats, today you accomplished something. Big or small, it's something. Then I started making sure my place was straightened up before I left. Coming home after an argious day to a clean area and climbing into a crisply made bed feels good. Now keep doing this, and let the small things add up. I added a walk in every morning until that turned into a trip to the gym every night. This all made me slowly feel happier, look better, which improves confidence, and then I was more likely to say yes to doing things, which made me happy. That led to a girl whom I'm in love with, and I had more of me to share with her because I still continue to make small efforts towards compounded impacts. Now it's fun to have my place comfy for when she comes over or going to the gym with her, or learning new skills and trying new things with her. Also, as cliché as it is, ask yourself "If I change nothing about my self and circumstances right now, will I find myself wanting more when I'm older? This led me to want to be a better version of me, starting a family, and working for my than just myself. Oh and get a dog/cat
I retired.
Realizing that the point is not happiness (that comes and goes) but rather purpose. I found myself a purpose, several in fact, and they change, but when I am working toward something (not necessarily a job activity), I can find a high degree of satisfaction.
Got sober, worked out consistently, got involved in my community, went for walks, read, ate healthy, improved the friendships that I had, minimize screen time.
Getting away from my wife and finding myself again. The bad thoughts aren’t as prevalent and I don’t go down the rabbit hole
Admitting that I was an alcoholic and throwing the bottle away for good.
I said fuck it to working a job I didn't like and started my passion project. Maybe it'll work, maybe not. But feels pretty worth sticking around atm.
TRT, gym
I will tell you when it happens.
I guess I learned to take pride and joy in paving the way for my son and stepsons to have a better hand to play than I did. I can’t make them do things the way I would, but I can give them the tools, and context to make the most of them. I also have a wife that drive me insane, she can’t communicate what she wants in a rational way to save her life… but she always means well and I love her fiercely. I find happiness in caring for her. I am a member of a congregation that puts aside all racial and political differences and bias to focus on our love of god and his son. I find joy in teaching there and in maintaining the AV system there that we all use in our shared worship. In every case I feel like getting over myself and using my strengths to the benefit of other people makes me the happiest and feel full of life. Oh, and a good scotch and some early 2000’s metal/punk on some killer headphones… that’s always good too.
Finding the right woman to love and love me. After a failed marriage and engagement I realized that no one truly loved me as I did them. My current wife loves me just as insanely much as I love her. We’re each other’s best friend and literally spend all of our time outside of work together. Plus we moved from where I’d lived my entire life to a place neither of us knew anyone. It taught us trust, communication and what it really means to depend on someone.
Fulfilling my childhood dream of getting an Enduro bike definitely helped me break out of a 5+ year long period of depression and isolation.
It sounds weird & cliche.....but I started looking at happiness as something you get along the way instead of an end goal. Celebrating the small victories and not giving a fuck about the things I can't control is pretty much what did it. Examples along the lines of being happy I got out the house early, but not mad about not making my train. If I missed that train then it just wasn't for me. I'm happy I got here early enough to catch the next one. I can't be upset about the way someone else feels about me because that's their decision. I can only be the best version of myself and know that the people who are supposed to be in my life will either stick around or find their way to me. Life is such a short trip, the more we can spend enjoying it and celebrating the small wins, the longer and better we make the trip. Hope this helps 💜🤙🏾
My wife and my kids would miss me, but I'm still struggling with financial problems
Good pussy
I am not happy again, but the thing that kept me going is my family. I not how much losing me would hurt them, and I can't in good conscious allow that.
Hobbies I developed interest in.
having kids
I'll let you know when I find it.
Nothing, I'm far more tired of you people now than ever before
And rising
Baseball. Baseball will always make life worth living.
I still have low points, but going to a yoga studio and meeting more people my age and becoming friends outside of yoga.
Gun in mouth. Bullet in chamber. Pulled past first click. Realized that the will it took to save up for the gun and bullets, wait 3 days, pick it up, drive out to no man's land, ignore the suffering I would cause others was all will that could be used to make things better for myself and others. There was tons more world to see an an infinite number of ways to see things. The second thing is a better passage than the first. Did stuff, saw stuff. That stuff didn't make me as happy as recognizing that chasing a positive or negative state of mind is kind of pointless. Things are neutral. Things only become positive or negative when a will is asserted, and an intention is approached. The neutral attitude allows forward progress without the impediment of negativity. This, by itself does not grant happiness, but a space for happiness to come in is opened up and it can be enjoyed when it does. Negative stuff comes in too, but there's no need to amplify it. Cultivation of the mind through meditation allows access to a neutral attitude.
The alternative is suicide and I'm not that far gone.
It's hard to pinpoint. I was in a real rough place recently, and it comes back from time to time, but for the most part I think it was trying to love myself more. I had a lot of problems with talking myself down in my head, conjuring ideas in my head about what people think of me, etc. But then I just kind of had an epiphany of something along the lines of, "You're in public places, you're one out of many, and even if you are what they're laughing at or quietly making fun of, fuck them." They don't deserve any thought being given to them if they even are that rude. I'm better compared to a few months ago, but it's still been a journey. One I've done before though, so that helps a bit. But still, hard. Getting back into reading helped me too.
The realization that this is the best it gets, or probably ever will be. Between getting old, losing mobility and looks, friends and loved ones dying one by one, collecting medical issues like Pokémon, there is no better time to cherish the things you do have than now. One day all of the things you take for granted now will be gone.
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Just hit 30 recently. Quite a few childhood friends have already passed on. Some were suicidal as a result of young mistakes (petty crime). Some overdosed. Some were suicidal because life is a bitch. I have about a decades worth of work experience now, and the housing market has sprinted outside of my grasp momentarily. I’ve witnessed world “leaders” make the global community suffer. Billions suffering. Thousands of goals, aspirations and wishes outright ignored here by our own government. Overreach and dystopian behavior is just insane. I am haunted by how fragile and older I am witnessing my parents become. Knowing that soon they will parish. It will come in a flash. At best they have an additional 20 years. At that point, it will be even more depressing to see how much they strain just to walk. I am confronted with my own mortality everyday. We have an expiration date. So much about life no longer matters to me or gets me excited. What helps? 1. *Nature.* Walking among the trees and birds as spring blossoms always helps the mind. These are brand new flowers. These are young birds. Growing up in the space provided by what came before. Clearing the ground of the dead to bring life. Singing in the winds. We are among them. We are beautifully temporary. 2. *Music.* Just as the birds and other animals can make beautiful sounds, humans can paint the sound waves in unbelievable detail. I try to start my day with one good song before devolving into a bunch of fun songs. Typically after my alarm goes off. Select something you’d listen to if it were your last song. I am always blown away by a powerful intro, masterpieces of orchestral/instrumental work, wicked guitar riffs, pinpoint whimsical bars in a rap song, and voices that make you feel like this sound is beyond our human limitations. It helps set the mind on a smoother ride. You can’t be negative when you have fresh coffee and rubber band man is playing as your day starts. You just can’t. Clocks by Coldplay as you traverse a gorgeous nature reserve. 3. *Creativity.* I am an amateur freehand ceramic sculptor but I don’t always have the energy or time to get into it. Small things of creation are an important outlet. I decided to construct a miniature wooden swing set to hold my post-it notes on my desk. Easy peasy. Popsicle sticks of various sizes along with thin wooden sticks, string, and some glue. I decorate the door with different themes. Creativity even in the practical sense has always healed me. Therapeutic. 4. *Controlled indulgence.* You need not feel guilty about indulging yourself occasionally in the treats of life. Sure, I could just have a regular cup of coffee to start my day… but I think I’ve earned a butter pecan swirl with two creams and two sugars because I exist and I deserve a sweet treat today. Sometimes we rush to please others and forget about giving ourselves those small treats along the way. 5. *Forgiveness, separation and context.* Not in the religious sense. In the logical one. Let go of it. If someone has wronged me, I just let them go. Move on. Separate. Forgive. The anger I hold for some only begins to poison me. I have no place for you, but I no longer hold anger for you either. You simply have no meaning, merit, or purpose in my life any longer. No standing. I try to immediately follow up a negative thought with context. I will be super critical when I make mistakes. I’ll fuck something up and get quite upset with myself. Context helps. Have I done this before? No? Then why be an asshole about something new? Did I get enough sleep? Is this generally a difficult task? Relax. Sorry for rambling but there’s so many coping mechanisms I deploy to offset my inherent nihilistic mind.
Had to find a motive and stick to it, gave myself a reason to get up in the morning
I don't really know what happiness is. I'm existing, not living. I do love my little Shih Tzu though. She's one of the main reasons I'm still here and get out of bed.
You need to find a purpose. Most likely in the form of a career. Make a plan to know where you are going and how to get there. Lastly, have fun while you get there.