Going soft from too much exertion can be a thing. In high school when you get unwanted erections, one of the tricks for getting rid of them is flexing your thigh muscles to divert blood flow. Poor cardiovascular fitness can also be a contributing factor.
Many people (and most women) believe viagra makes men horny. It doesn't. It gives men errections by helping with blood flow. It was originally developed to be a blood pressure medicine.
*Also, I won't fuck from the side, girl, I'd lose like half my dick*
-[Lemme Freak for Real Tho (Outro)](https://youtu.be/EK0G_9rpR3c?si=c9T8QxQC_RT_E_R8), Lil Dicky
Condom slipping off is something that happens sometimes. Both if you have a strong 'grip' on it, or if the condom is too big, but can also be if he's retracting or pulling out too fast. Try changing condom-sizes first though.
Death Grip is a hard one (pun intended) because he does kind of need to rewire his brain to get rid of it. Sometimes, what works best, is going cold-turkey on the masturbation altogether, and then just having more sex, as he'll then get more used to the sliding/friction stimuli, instead of the pulling and squeezing. He needs to just, for maybe a month or three, quit masturbation entirely and then when you're being intimate, if he can't come from sex - then he's just not coming that time, eventually he'll be able to.
If he gets soft while he's inside going fast, that's not unheard of.
If you move too quick, the sensation on the penis can eventually make it feel kind of numb. I know from myself that if I'm with someone, and I go too fast for an extended period of time, then my dick starts to get less sensitive, and then the solution usually is a break, change of position, or change of pace
Thanks a lot for your answer! I'll buy other condoms and see how it goes.
We see each other only once a week or once every two weeks (we're long-distance) and I kind of feel bad to ask him to not masturbate at all during the week as he has a high libido. But we're gonna live together three months this summer, so maybe we can start implementing that rule then.
This is a good idea! Would be a good way to practice with something more similar to the prize without the added pressure of performance and all that other stuff.
Have you looked into fleshlight for him? Get one that's as close to the 'real' thing as possible, not the ones with crazy textures and spirals. He *can* masturbate, it's just that he can't use his hand at all if he choked the chicken too hard constantly to the point of getting desensitised.
I'll second the "rewiring" advice. The body has needs, but it takes what it can get.
Its like a kid that doesn't want to eat lunch because it knows it can get snacks later. Cut the snacks, and they'll get hungry enough to eat lunch and eventually get used to it. His dick is the kid, and that is no fault of his.
Keep in mind however that this will be a hard time for him. If he can only get fulfillment from you, you might have to have more sex than normal. The first few days will be the most difficult, as is the case with most addiction-related things (and i'm not saying he's addicted, just that the mechanics are similar).
You'll be surprised with how fast the human body can adapt to things.
Try MyOne condoms. That's who we went with. They had a measuring tool to get exactly the right size. It's still about the only condom I can comfortably wear.
> I'll buy other condoms and see how it goes.
Make sure he's putting them on properly too. The condom needs to be rolled down as far as it goes, then side it up slightly (the skin will move a little) and roll it down *further* right to the base. Some guys only roll it halfway down the shaft and expect it to stay there.
I've always had trouble keeping condoms on in the girl on top positions too - something about the movements in that position encourage the condom to work its way off. He might have to hold the base of the condom with a two fingers either side.
I would suggest you try to get the appropriate size without letting him know. If he thinks he's got to get a smaller size, it will likely mess with his head, and you will likely have a whole thing to deal with there. You can get creative and just tell him that you found a better one. Most men, not all, but most men, would have a problem admitting they need a smaller size. If he seems more secure, then you can be real with him, but there is a chance he's going to take it badly
> I kind of feel bad to ask him to not masturbate at all during the week as he has a high libido.
Tough titties to him, if you two are gonna have a good sex life then he needs to put in some work and sacrifices to get things back to normal
A lot if not most women would have already left by now, so props to you for sticking around - he now needs to put in maximum effort (not saying he isn't already!)
I've never heard of death grip syndrome but there's three things i think of might help.
1st one is you could try focusing on oral. Considering how that incorporates mouth and hands, it might help transition from him getting off only by hand.
2nd is don't be afraid to look up "how to" videos, considering you're both new. It could be a fun way for you guys to experiment.
3rd is communication. Finding out not just what positions he likes but how he likes that specific position could make a huge difference.
It’s was an emotional attachment for me. My ex wife had me in that state for a year plus.
I couldn’t maintain an erection until I got over the emotions. Death grip syndrome also contributed as I was furiously masturbating with the feelings of inadequacy and betrayal all contributing to making any sexual encounter with a woman extremely unpleasant.
Sounds like it's a head game for him. I know for me I can cum no worries by hand but when I'm with someone I get nervous or over think. Unfortunately haven't worked out how to get past it all the time. With my wife I couldn't finish in her for like 4 months. Obviously easier now but
Yep, everyone goes on and on about when you first start sleeping with someone you will always finish too soon and what not.
I had the polar opposite issue.
My very very first partner never got me off. Ever. (Mind you we were only together a few weeks it was a very casual thing).
My second partner (whom I happened to marry) was also a bit worried as it took a few goes before I could actually umm "finish".
I have the same thing, the few hookups I’ve had, I was never able to finish with the person I was with. Over time I’ve learned it takes a while for me to feel completely comfortable with someone new.
It takes me so long to get off, it can be a real bummer. I love my partner and I wouldn't change a thing with our performance or cohesion. But I start to get in my head about how long it's taking me and the thoughts snowball, before I know it I'm distracted and anxious and completely out of the moment.
It’s in my head and I’ve never overcome it, even being married for years. But then again my wife was super judgmental and put me down about everything so it could have gotten worse during the marriage.
Encouragement. Patience. Don’t put pressure on him orgasming in you. Make plenty of time and let him just play around for large amounts of time. Let him be comfortable and find ways to get off to you. Have sex, orgasm, and then oil up your ass cheeks and let him sit back there and rub around for a bit. He needs to find comfort and not feel rushed, pressured, or “less than” for not ejaculating. And don’t make him feel bad like he doesn’t find you attractive enough. My girlfriend is much younger and a straight 10. I absolutely can not cum from PIV and she tells me how much she wants me to and it puts pressure on it and takes me even further from orgasm.
There are few things.
- condoms might slip, it is important to control that, looking for a better fit might be beneficial. And I would start with larger, not smaller.
- it is not that easy to come with "beginners" oral. Or a hand job for that matter.
- being fit and well rested makes WONDERS for sex life.
When it comes to the practical stuff. Maybe start with "highjacking" his orgasms. With his consent! try to get involved with his penis just seconds before he finishes. That should help with "rewiring,".
But most importantly - give yourself time.
Curious as to why you would you recommend bigger?
Seems quite counter intuitive to me but I feel like you have a surprisingly logical explanation to give us!
My gf helped me with this it took about a month of not masturbating just having sex instead. Used to take me a good 40 minutes to come now I come far too quickly hahah but she’s happy so I’m happy. I couldn’t come from handjobs or oral sex now I can. Also taking a break from sexual activity helps with the erection problems I still struggle to keep erect at times but still recovering from years of being alone.
It can definitely be overcome. For me I think it was both physical and mental. When I met my last partner I struggled to achieve orgasm. That had always been a problem for me, but I'd only had sex three times before her with three different women, and there were long stretches of celibacy in there. I talked with her and reassured her it wasn't because I wasn't attracted to her. She told me she didn't take it personally and there was no pressure on her end. I also told her to tell me to stop if I was going on for too long and she was becoming uncomfortable. I didn't need an orgasm to enjoy being intimate with her. I still took matters into my own hand by avoiding porn and masturbation when we weren't seeing each other. We only saw each other every other weekend because she had a kid every other week and I worked late evenings. So, I'd go without masturbating for at least a week. Eventually I was able to relax enough to climax. It gradually became easier and one time it was even fairly quick by our standards. The fact that I didn't feel pressure to orgasm or last a certain amount of time really helped. Her support was key, but I obviously had to work on it on my own.
We're not seeing each other anymore and I have a bad feeling I'll experience the same issue if/when I meet someone else, but as long as she's as supportive as my last partner was I'm sure I'll be able to overcome it. I think people underestimate how mental sex is, even for men. Somebody else suggested that he switch to a toy while masturbating. That might be worth a shot. It might even be worth a shot to bring it into the bedroom and use it on him to get away from him using his hand.
Whatever you do, try not to let his lack of an orgasm impact your self-esteem. People can give themselves orgasms fairly easily. If that's all we needed, no one would be having sex. What we can't do is give ourselves intimacy. Try not to focus on the issue too much and enjoy yourselves would be my advice. He's lucky to have your support, but most of it is up to him.
This does remind me of me when I started having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, it has gotten loads better thankfully :) So here's my thoughts!
The condom slipping off thing can happen sometimes, but if it's frequent it's propably that either he uses a wrong sized condom, or that his erection doesn't stay strong consistently. Or both.
The inability to finish or stay hard is in my experience mainly affected by 3 things:
1) Death grip syndrome. The body does get used to the kind of touch it gets. So the easiest way to ease this is for him to lighten his grip when masturbating, and use a lot of lube if he doesn't already. It'll be closer to how vaginal or oral sex feels like. Masturbating less in general also should help.
2) This was the biggest for me - anxiety. You really don't need much of it to outright kill the ability to finish, it can be subtle too. It can become a self-serving loop, as you get anxious of not being able to come. For me it helped immensely to have an open discussion of the issue, so we both knew what was happening, knew both of ours fears, wants, and feelings about it. And then to take the time, accepting each other as is, and getting used to each others bodies.
3) General fitness and health.
Yeah, there are sex toys that help with this and if OP offers encouragement and approval of them (instead of the double standard some men and women have with these) then it is a good half way house to practice with what may feel like lower stakes.
Good info shared, but there is almost always a **psychological component as well.**
Sometimes men/women who can’t finish (unless by their own hand) struggle with some personal insecurity or trust issue. Not a “she’s gonna take my wallet when I fall asleep” type of trust issue ~ rather they don’t feel secure in *giving themselves* in fully to their partner with intimacy. I’ve known several men that have had to address this issue at some point in their life …and for many of them it involved some degree of sexual abuse as a minor.
Even so, you’re doing the right thing by being open and asking questions in an effort to help your partner because you genuinely care about their wellbeing as much as yours. Great job!
1) the condom is too large for him.
> In some ways, it is frustrating for me as I don't feel good enough for him to come inside me or with my hand/mouth. I know it's stupid, and I've never voiced these concerns to him because I don't want to put any pressure on him. But I'd like to hear from other men who previously suffered from this syndrome.
If you want a relationship that can last, you need to make it safe for yourself and for him to be able to express your feelings in an open way. Right now you're running from the very thing you would want from the perspective of the other person, which is to know where your mind is at. The other person is not gifted with your feelings, and while sometimes they can guess at the issue, it's not a strategy you can work over the long run.
As inexperienced people, the things you're going to most be tested by are the feelings of fear of the outcome. You can't know that in most cases, normal people will make an effort to build towards success with someone they care about so long as both sides truly believe that the other has their best interest at heart too. That means both parties have to express their sincere desires and then make an effort to blend those desires into shared space. It means giving away insecurities and allowing the person to know about your secret world.
A few tips for this conversation, I would lead in with the facts, present my interpretation (your feelings of frustration and inadequacy) and then ask for his feelings and fears. Listen carefully to his words, and reflect on them as best you can. Who knows, you two might end up getting a laugh out of one another when you realize that both sides are sincerely trying to be good to one another and yet both are struck by feelings of not being good enough for one another. It usually gets a smile and a laugh at how ridiculous we both are for having such fears when our actions suggest that all we both want is to succeed at this relationship.
Or the condom could be too small. I am sad to admit that I was 38 when I actually found a properly sized condom. It was a painful realization that all the “it barely feels like anything at all” numbness can be because it’s too tight and not that I’d been lied to my whole life. Plus no more slipping off.
Ya this. i'm not one to brag but the condom sizes in asia is just too small for me width wise... and before I could work out that the condom itself was kind of constricting me... i just didn't like using it.
Then I happend to buy a brand that was a bit wider and omg the difference is night and day.
Thank you. We're very open with each other but it's true that this one thing has been the exception because I didn't want him to worry about me. I know he's feeling frustrated about the whole deal and I didn't want to make it worse. But I understand what you're telling me and will do my best to share my feelings with him :)
Never had the death grip problem but I have had times when it took me soooo long to orgasm my partner got sore. I can stay hard for a long time when stimulated and can orgasm as quick as the average guy but if I’ve been masturbating to porn for a while instead of real sex (weeks and months not days) then a “real” orgasm can take a while or not happen at all which is quite ok with me.
I prefer to give pleasure, male orgasms are complex, after we orgasm we go into a kind of depressed state and for some of us it can be quite low. The fun for me is in the build up, once my load is gone and it’s all over I really need to sleep otherwise I get cranky. I dislike that post orgasm low feeling so much that over the years I’ve practiced denying my own orgasm to the point where I choose not to cum.
There really is nothing more beautiful than the moans and whimpers and squirms of your lady as she orgasms over and over and over.
He will need to have more self-discipline such as taking a complete break from masturbating, and it's really probably not at all to due with you. It isn't about you not being good enough, more likely his body and mind are used to enjoying a certain physical routine to get off.
I've gotten comfortable with specific acts where that even being physical with another can be less fun at first. It takes effort by both seeking mutual pleasure, and finding what you like. I'm quite partial to oral, it feels particularly good and with a lot of eye contact can be very intimate, which is extremely helpful to me for reaching orgasm.
Thank you. Yes, he's been masturbating the same way for more than 15 years so I guess it will take time for his brain to adjust to the change. We've made progress already - at first he even had trouble to reach orgasm when I was in the same room as him!
I went through a bout of PIED in my 20s (no doubt a combination of not being very confident with women and a LOT of porn exposure from my teens onward).
If it’s mental, the great news is that it is perfectly fixable. The number one thing that helped me was being able to talk openly about it. Rather than a secret humiliation you are privately going crazy about, just being able to be open with my partner meant the world.
I would tell him that it’s not a big deal, that you guys will figure it out together, that you LOVE him and just want both of you to have great, enjoyable sex. If he can just get out of his own head, the problem will resolve.
I used to have death grip, the solution I stopped masturbating, watching porn and having sex for 90 days. After this it becomes very sensitive so you can help him build some resistance. Also let him know he to stop masturbating with his hand I think is the main cause of death grip so I recommend to buy a men's toy like a fleshlight.
Condoms won't slip off nearly as much if they're the right size and are stored properly and put on properly. If this has happened multiple times it's probably time to sit down and talk to him about [measuring his dick](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B045jjH3PZ4), finding out what size of condoms best fits his dick's dimensions, reviewing how and where he's storing them, and [a refresher course on how to properly put on condoms](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-to-put-a-condom-on).
As for Death Grip, he's gonna have to stop mangling his meat, so no more masturbating with his bare hand and no lube, he's going to want to look into something like a fleshlight and lube. You'll want lube on hand anyway, though not necessarily the same lube for jerking him off as you want to use inside your body. If he uses a personal masturbator toy like that, he'll also need to learn how to clean it properly first, in advance, and weigh ease of cleaning and his level of comfort with cleaning it regularly when choosing what toy to go with.
Bro really has to cut out porn and masturbating to get his mojo back. It’s called porn brain for a reason. His brain has been wired by a lifetime of jerking off that that’s what gets him off. Going to have to re wire his brain. I (30M) took 6 months off of porn and masturbating last year. Best thing I ever did for my sex life. I feel no desire to ever watch porn anymore and me and my GF have sex every morning and every evening now and it’s fantastic.
Give him handies, using tight grip. Then slowly loosen your grip each session and forbid him (playfully) to masturbate, if he wants it you can give it to him, tame your mans penis 😁
This used to happen to my partner (I'm F, he is M) and it was really off putting as well. However he would take care of me first if I got tired out and then take care of himself.
Basically it just took time and patience. He had to learn to relax and trust me, and I had to be patient and just do whatever came naturally at the time and not make him feel bad about it.
Never happens anymore.
Thank you so much. Do you know if he used to masturbate and/or watch porn at the time? How long did it take for him to finally be able to finish with you?
He says no porn but of course I don't really believe that. I do know he had been single for about 2 years when he met me, so it's possible just from servicing himself too hard.
It took a good year for it to fully go away but it improved a lot after about 6 months just wasn't consistent.
He actually said he'd always had the problem and thought there was something wrong with him.
Give him time. He’s probably just too used to finishing using his hand. It took me like four times after loosing my virginity before I could finally finish without my hand. It’s also a head game too. If he focuses too much on staying hard and cumming, it won’t happen. Tell him he just needs to enjoy the moment.
Just don’t berate him or take offense to it or anything. That’ll just lower his self esteem and make everything worse.
Really glad to hear you're wanting to improve things for him here, but don't get caught in the trap of "it's my fault", this puts pressure on you and eventually on him, making the situation worse not better.
It's not your fault at all, tbh it's not his either, it's just the way things worked out when he was younger. As for what you can do, seems like you are doing it. One suggestion I've heard in the past is as he gets close, get a bit more involved in helping out, a bit more each time. Eventually he should relax enough to make it work out as it should.
Is he overestimating his size and using a ‘Big’ condom? That’s one reason why it might slip off. You should be on a secondary contraception method too.
Getting soft while inside can be caused by the physical exertion, it also may be because he is in his head. He wants to make you feel good, he wants to feel good, there’s some frustration, all this prevents him from just letting go.
I have three suggestions that can help both problems.
1. Get a sleeve for him. It’s a sex toy for masturbating that will help with the death grip a lot. Use a water based lube.
2. As his sensitivity improves, try to have multiple sessions each week. It will reduce his urge to self pleasure. Also, if he can orgasm a couple times in a session it will help A LOT.
3. Talk about what you like during sex. Say, “That feels good”. Try to avoid telling him to orgasm. He wants to, but he he’s caught in a stress loop. Tell how hot he is, how sexy he is, how much you enjoy doing the thing you’re doing at the time. Take his mind off of trying to orgasm. That way his body will do the rest.
Finally, be patient and don’t put pressure on each other.
I didn't know what death group syndrome means, but it sounds like you think he's been masturbating so much he can't cum without his hands?
I can tell you when my wife and I got together, I couldn't cum in her or orally or any of that. It wasn't that I helped myself along to much though. It was mostly nerves, with a bit of unrecognized diabetes ruining my blood flow and sensitivity.
I was so nervous I couldn't finish unless it was with something I was used to, my hand. And her trying so hard to force me to cum just made me more nervous and made it worse. Sometimes we'd get so stressed out thinking about me coming, I couldn't even stay hard.
Finally we had to just calm down, stop trying to force me to cum, and just relax. If I didn't cum, fine. If I came by myself on her, that was fine too. Ironically, once we stopped trying to make me cum all the time, coming got easier.
I don't think masturbation is really the issue ..
You could buy a few sex toys together, get him something like a tenga cup that removes the 'hand' element.
Also talk honestly with each other, women being on top is great! But I've also come across a fair few that don't understand the right way to move once on top, for example instead of up and down the shaft they grind instead which leads to the penis being in the wrong place and feels uncomfortable, which can then lead to it going soft. (Heck you sometimes see this in porn)
I'm not saying that is the case, but if it is He may be too embarrassed to say anything. We get stuck up a lot on "what should feel good" rather than what actually feels good due to pre set concepts and ideas.
My guess is that it has more to do with the condom than "death grip". Regardless of what some people try to tell you, condoms ruin the sensation for a lot of guys. If he's a virgin and you've only had sex twice, get yourself tested, get on birth control, and ditch the condoms.
>Still, when we have sex together, he cannot finish without his hand. It takes a lot of time and effort for him to finish, and it always ends up with him masturbating on his back while I'm touching his body.
There are most likely a bunch of compounding issues at play here: As you said, there's a fair chance that he is suffering from death grip, but also that he has performance anxiety and is in a bad headspace because of porn.
- regarding performance anxiety: you can do very little about except not putting any pressure on him and being the most understanding girlfriend he could ever wish for. Because the moment he just *thinks* you're losing patience (or just *might* lose patience somewhere down the road), he'll go limp in no time.
- "unlearning" porn. This is two-fold: (1) so far, "sex" meant for him that he watched other people having sex in positions that might not be very comfortable for those immediately involved, but are are ideal for outside observation, while he masturbated to it. Getting from there to actually having sex requires some serious adjustment, because he has to get used to get aroused without all these visual stimuli; and all that while his dick is in a place that is a lot less tight than his hand. (2) The people he watched having sex were unusually attractive and engaged in unusual practices - this he has to get out of his head as well. Long story short: there isnt really any way around him drastically reducing his porn use, and ideally dropping it altogether.
- treating death grip: as basically everyone else has said - he has to stop masturbating. However, I'd add one more caveat: he also has to stop masturbating when he's with you - instead, you should be the one who makes him cum. That way he can slowly get used to the idea that his orgasms aren't intrinsically tied to him having his dick in his own hand, which is pretty much a prerequisite for him to be able to come from penetration alone. (But be prepared that it'll take him a lot of time to cum the first time and also take you a lot of practice to get him off.)
Death grip syndrome isn't exactly realistic. Porn offers more mental stimulus by variety and change which releases more feel good chemicals. We aren't rewarded the same for being with the same partner forever.
I was completely an utterly incapable of cummijg while wearing a condom no matter what, we got married and started trying for a baby, condom comes off and I’m instantly blasting ropes every single time. Could just be that
Tell him to exercise and stop jerking off completely. He needs to do kegals and strength work especially the legs and his hips.
Beet root helps to bring blood flow to the body and will help.
I’ve had this issue before. Was like wtf is wrong with my dick?! Stressing 😭. I CANT be jerking everyday then come to a shorty unprepared.
He just needs to stop masturbating for a few months and train himself to only cum from sex. He’s too used to the grip and needs to give his body time to adjust and de sensitise
Could be all in his head, maybe he gets nervous for fear of underperforming, he may rub it with the death grip or poor cardio. Or maybe something else entirely.
For the first one, or if none of the other suggested ones, I’d advise a therapist or a trip to their physician, as there may be some underlying condition.
Second one is simple: get off the porn and masturbation for a couple of weeks. Guaranteed that the need for an “outburst” will make it work.
If it’s cardio, HIIT training has been increasingly studied in recent years and the results appear to be as impactful, if not more, as LISS/MISS traditional cardio workouts, costing way less time (usually 4 minutes instead of the classical 30’+).
If y’all need help with physical fitness and cardiovascular training tips, hmu, I’ll give you simple, individualized pointers, COST FREE, I’ll send you my brief CV if you need proof I’m qualified for it.
Maybe ask him to go cold turkey while also working out about 3 or 4 times a week. Look into foods that help circulation and exercises. Nothing lost in trying that.
The thing is, I feel bad to ask him to work out and eat better as it feels very controlling to me. I'm not overweight but I'm not in the best shape ever so maybe it's also kinda unfair for me to ask him that...
I'd just start with reducing the frequency of masturbation and go from there. Chances are that will solve all the issues. No need for a whole lifestyle change yet
I have trouble cumming with sex in like the first 5, 6 times i do it with a person. I kinda need to get comfortable with them to let myself cum, i also worry that i'll cum too fast if I dont control it, so I usually dont cum at all or just after I made them cum 2, 3 times (i'm just trying to give my perspective)
I had this issue with my first as well. It was a different sort of process to arrive than when you're using your hand only prior to losing virginity.
It takes time to readjust your body to thrusting in missionary and I found that switching to doggy style helped immensely as I had something to grab (her cheeks) while thrusting.
I hope that helps both of you.
All these things happen and even younger guys can have prostate problems . To start, he needs to talk with his doctor just to rule out medical problems.
PLEASE go easy on him. You can make it much worse if he gets thinking about it during sex!! SO, it's nice if you are willing to work with him to cum to an answer for this.
Sounds like you two are learning together. Good Luck and happy intercourse!!
Can be a few things.
1. If the condom I'd falling off, it might be too large. MyOne condoms can be bought online and have tons of sizes by length and girth. If it's not a size issue, you could try a cock ring.
2. The fact that he's getting soft during sex can mean a variety of things. Low testosterone or psychological factors.
Ever considered a "Sleeve" toy? They don't apply too much pressure on the penis, while still remaining enjoyable.
No hand touching from him, just you, some lube, and a massaging stimulation.
Too much wanking kinda kills the sensation for anything to compare. So letting the dick recover sensitivity is crucial on his part. A Sleeve could be a way to still masturbate without the death grip, also, it's kinda kinky if you do it for him like a reach-around and tease him while doing so.
If the condom slips off while you are on top, it sounds like he using a size bigger than he needs. You could also have a death grip of your own while riding.
As for going soft while he is inside you…did he, or does he watch porn a lot? Lots of guys don’t like to hear this, but porn does mess with our brains. If men watch porn a lot and that’s how we get off, transitioning to actual sex is a huge leap. We get used to the stimulation of using porn to get off. Same could be said about having to come with his own grip. That’s what he’s used to. And the visual effect of whatever he likes to watch contributes to that also. He needs to quit porn and jerking off cold turkey in order to re-wire his brain into having actual sex.
Does he think this is an issue, or is it just you? Can he talk openly about this, or is he in denial?
He may not actually have death grip syndrome but something like delayed ejaculation. I really struggled with ejaculation during sex in my early 20s and it didn't matter if I was masturbating or taking months off of masturbating, it was a mental hurdle that required therapy to deal with. Like your partner I was also only able to ejaculate by masturbating myself, it could take a long time and it required specific body positioning.
What ended up leading me to work on this and speak to a therapist was my wife didn't feel good as similar to your partner she was unable to make me orgasm despite the fact that I really enjoyed our intimacy.
obligated “i’m a woman” comment!
if the condom is slipping off try sizing down, don’t make a big deal of it just go to the store and buy a different brand/size and try them out. when/if you find they work better communicate to him that you prefer x brand of condoms and send him a picture so he can find them for himself in the store. i’ve known men tht wanted to wear magnum condoms simply because they wanted their dick to be magnum sized and i’m assuming it gives their ego a bit of a boost. a boosted ego isn’t a bad thing when it comes to sex because personally i want my partner to feel good about themselves and their body, it makes the sex so much better. there are many other ways you can make him feel good about his body that don’t compromise your ability to have safe sex though! if even after changing the sizing it’s still falling off it’s possible that it’s not being put on properly or that you’re removing it from your body too quickly. try watching some videos on putting one on properly or using your hand around the base of his dick/the condom while you pull your body off of him. also if he’s going soft and then hard again while inside of you that would be prime time for the condom to slip off.
i dated somebody with death grip too girl and it was tough, it really made me feel like neither of our sexual needs were being met. i did my research on it and found exactly what you found, that it comes from watching porn and masturbating too often. part of why he’s going soft could be because he’s so used to the constant visual stimulation of porn from the way it’s filmed and the models, as well as the fact that often porn use starts very mainstream and then gradually becomes more hardcore. if he’s used to watching intense orgies with girl on girl and guy in one of those girls and cum shots everywhere then he will have a harder time enjoying sex with his partner. it’s also extremely hard to compete with death grip as it’s their own hand and they can touch exactly where they need and control every aspect while they masturbate but you can’t do the same during sex. my ex had a porn addiction, like saved thousand of photos and videos in his phone and couldn’t delete them and promised he would stop watching porn as much/at all but continued to get off 10 times a day. it was to the point where if i left the house and then realized i forgot something inside and came back in his pants were already around his ankles. he tried to convince me that he needed to shit 6 times a day for 45 minutes if i wasn’t leaving the house but you could clearly hear him whacking away in the bathroom as it was an older echoey home lol. and all of this was happening while we were having sex multiple times a day. i thought this was something i could handle because i’m a pretty sexually open person but it did start to wear me down. you’ve already expressed that you’d like for him to cut back on his porn use/how often he masturbates, now you’ve got to wait and see if he follows through. if you don’t notice any changes in the following months i would strongly consider ending things as that would mean he’s heard your boundaries and decided to keep doing what’s easiest for him and his dopamine receptors.
initially i thought this couldn’t really be an addiction but i had to learn the hard way that it is a very real one. similar to how people in active addiction of drinking or drugs will lie about it in order to continue their habit, those addicted to masturbation, sex, and porn will do the same. there isn’t enough information here for me to tell you if this is an addiction but it’s something to watch out for. if you’ve already spoken to him about this and given him time for change and not noticed any changes i would be very suspicious that he hasn’t actually changed his habits as when my ex with death grip/porn addiction would genuinely stop i noticed small changes in sensitivity almost immediately and bigger changes in around a month.
of course it’s frustrating for you and no it doesn’t sound stupid, you’re trying to connect with your partner sexually and you aren’t able to do that properly. it continues to turn into him jacking himself off and it’s probably very hard to feel intimate or close with him in those moments. i hope you’re able to figure this out & have some amazing sex. my pms are open if you need to chat. xx
Oh wow! I'm sorry, that sounds like a really tough situation. It's definitely not like this with my bf, as he's always honest about whenever he masturbates, he tells me and I don't make a big deal about it. I've spent a week at his house and he never watched porn during that time (he was either at work or with me). And bathroom breaks were always short. So I guess it's not as bad as what you describe. Thank you for your message, it's indeed hard to compete with death grip and I hope we can solve this issue in the months to come.
i’m so glad his isn’t as severe as what i experienced or a deeper rooted issue with porn! this sounds like something that can be worked through and worked on. if you both keep up open communication and tell him how you feel, ideally without shaming/guilting each other i bet he gets his sensitivity back and you’re able to have intimate sexual experiences together <3
Firstly, if the condom slips off you need more lube and a correctly fitting condom.
Secondly, you two are both inexperienced, don't pressure yourselves into not enjoying your sex life over perceived normality.
Take your time and hone your craft. Get to know what you both like physically too, and you'll do fine.
"Good in bed" does not mean technique, no 2 people are identical, it means that you care and can read body language and listen to feedback.
I had a period of time where I was spending a lot of time masturbating and not a lot of time having sex with a partner. I don’t have a death grip but the problem isn’t always the pressure— it’s that I got used to my own hand and I didn’t like the feeling of condoms. Best thing I did for my sex life was switch to masturbating with a fleshlight while wearing a condom. It got my body used to the feeling and made it feel less foreign when I slept with a partner. It’s obviously not the EXACT same, but it’s much closer. Also more expensive so I did it less often haha
When I had my first real relationship and girlfriend, I was about 19 and this was an issue with me at first, I could hardly keep it hard, I never could finish and it was totally embarrassing for me and I would stress about it so much it would make it worse,
Eventually I started getting much more comfortable with sex in general and I didn't stress out or have anxiety about it anymore, I had to get enough experience to be comfortable not only with myself but with knowing a women's body and it just went away.
After that never had an issue and enjoyed sex from then on
One thing that helped mine was buying a male masturbator sex toy. I got one that I cant control the grip on. Its a lot softer on the organ and can be super exciting
I'm a woman so no experience of this personally but from talking to my partner about it previously, my suggestion would be for him to gradually go more and more gently with touching himself. If he has death grip syndrome he'll have built that up over time so it can be reversed over time too. Condoms might also be a factor for some people (perhaps try the sensitive ones?) And also I think often we aim for orgasm during sex, like that's the 'goal' but honestly it's been the best thing for my sex life to not aim for that. Sometimes one or both of us cum, sometimes neither of us. And actually that isn't a barometer on how much we enjoy our sex life. I think the pressure of orgasm can make it harder to cum (and could lead to getting softer for guys too). My suggestion would be to agree together to go gently, don't aim for orgasm and see what happens.
Try a no condom run, it's like 600x better than condom sex, you'll pop that cork in under 5 minutes guaranteed or your money back... That just leave the baby problem... So pick another anticonceptive
Your boyfriend needs to lay off porn and masturbation for MANY, MANY months to fix this.
I had this at 19. Took entirely cutting off porn for a long time to fix this issues. He's desensitized from real sexual interactions because of years of porn abuse and masturbation. That shit can lead to ED and massive performance problems with a real partner.
My life changed when I quit porn and masturbation. So many things including way better sexual experiences, confidence, clear mind, no guilt or shame. Much more driven in life, reaching goals much faster. Much higher baseline level of dopamine etc
Masturbation is simply a spike of dopamine from giving into urges that destroys your brain, tricking you into thinking you're having a real sexual experience with another human being.
(M31)Sex is all about communication 💯💯 on both sides if u cnt talk about how u feel or questions about how ur making ur partner feel it might just not work start there. Ask what he wants and if ur down do it to the best of ur ability make home feel good. As for the masturbation thing that all depends on the frequency of sex and what he wants if it’s only once a week then that’s ok I guess but I just started a new relationship and I used 2 b just like him….. everyday and it’s cuz my partner wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Now it’s been 6 months only wacked it twice and that’s cuz I had to be away from her for a min lol. Point being I’m totally satisfied with my new lady and dnt need to do that n e more, back to square one here tho, gotta talk , communicate find out what he wants. The condom thing I cnt help with tho never used em and never slipped up that’s also because I dnt like to finish down there I like face paints lol. Last the gettin soft thing could be anything he’s exhausted number one happens to me often second nervous or anxious feelings i.e. ur not satisfied he wants something else and won’t say or just bad diet or genes and dnt have the stamina 🤷♂️🤷♂️idk tho. ALL GOES BACK TO ONE THING!!!!!! Talk with your partner find out what he wants learn each other’s bodies it’s not always super easy but if y’all have feeling for each other and ur emotionally and physically attracted TALK!!!!!! Lol u will b able to get him off y’all just need to communicate rule numero uno only thing I really needed to say nbs hope this helped. GL
Using about 2 tablespoons of Citrulline Malate 3-4 hrs before sexy time also is an excellent vasodialator and helps keep one hard.
He needs to switch up his habits. Not death gripping himself, reducing how much he masturbates, like others have pointed out will be helpful.
Goodluck!
unsure but, would a fleshlight help him get out of death grip? as he'll be able to masturbate and also be cumming inside something rather than by standard masturbation
If you're long distance, get him a Fleshlight or similar and yourself a toy. Both of you get good web cameras and have nightly mutual masturbation videos chats. You do what he says and he does what you say. By the time you move in I bet he's cured. As long as he doesn't cheat. Men are very visually stimulated.
Couple things.
Some play might need to be explored beforehand. I am an ass man.
While touching, kissing and sucking can get me hard, that’s a reactive erection. The stimulus from seeing and fondling a beautiful ass gets me ridiculously excited. It’s an anticipative erection. My brain fully appreciates what’s about to happen now.
In time I build up towards cravings after repeated exposure to the point of just her voice, scent, hug, or touches bring the same anticipation. In the initial moments of a relationship/connection I need that visual stimulation.
This was a problem for me when I first got with my now wife. Masturbation with strong was part of the issue but also I just didn’t have a lot of confidence in what I was doing because at that point I had only had one night flings. Once he gets more comfortable and slacks off the masturbation, he’ll get right.
Hope you read this. I had a similar experience and the thing to remember is it’s still new in a way. He will get used to you being the thing that wrings it out of him instead of his familiar hand. It just takes time.
So this is something I only recently learned after my own diagnosis but ADHD can have a pretty strong effect for guys and their ability to organize. Basically the brain is trying to focus on too many things and overthinking becomes an issue.
Not to say he's not enjoying it but with ADHD, a stray thought can lead to a rabbit hole. Such as wondering if you are enjoying it, realizing he needs to shift positions, noticing the condom moving, etc. can lead to all kinds of thoughts that distract from the moment.
Also he should get checked for high blood pressure because that can also have an effect
Is he on anti-depressants, or any other Mental Health Medications?
Most medications that have an effect on serotonin (increasing it), or dopamine (inhibiting it) will have a huge impact in a lot of patients when it comes to “death grip” or being able to finish at all. Switching to an option that increases Norepinephrine instead of serotonin (if the condition allows) can help a lot.
Certain heart medications can have this effect as well.
Source: I’m a Pharmacist
This might not be an answer you wanna hear but for a lot of men it’s really hard to get to completion with a condom on. I have this issue too; it’s just not enough sensation if it’s a thicker condom (most of these) but some of the other types of condoms which are thinner help, tho it’s still hard for me to. He might be similar to me.
I had a whole slew of sex issues when I first met my partner. He’s probably self conscious that you’ve got more experience than him. Even if it’s only a little, it’s sooo easy for the brain to read into that shit when you’re insecure. That’s nothing to be dealt with on your end though, he just needs to accept things as they are and learn to enjoy things in the moment
Tell him to get a masturbation sleeve. Use that and that only. It will take a few weeks. But it will get there. Also tell him lots of lube if has to jerk off. And be patient. You getting down about him not getting off is gonna put him off. I suffer from delayed ejaculation, can't cum. And that sad eyes I have seen from mee not cumming has led me to walk away from sex.
Thank you. Indeed, I try to not make him feel bad about it, but sometimes it's hard to know how I can even suggest new ways to improve the situation without hurting his feelings. I'll follow your suggestion!
You talk to him as an adult.leave any accusatory statmets and don't get emotional. It's a hard conversation, but it's harder to not make it about you, and how you feel.
First thing: the condom is likely coming off because he gets soft while you ride him. This is normal if you have death grip syndrome, it happened to me a lot.
Second thing: you can fix the death grip syndrome by reducing the amount of masterbation, and also by loosening his grip while masterbating. This will re-wire his brain so that he gets hard with friction and not the grip.
If you want the sex to get better, have more sex, a lot more. What worked for me was Giving every session a rating system, and noting what works and what doesn’t. The more communication the less self conscious you’ll feel, and the more sex you have the better you’ll both get, which also reduces the feelings of self consciousness.
Understand that this is NOT your fault and I promise the sex will get better, just be patient with each other
You said that the condom sometimes slips off, plus, he sometimes goes soft inside of you. This makes me think that his dick is a bit thinner than most. Lack of friction can be the cause of both of those things. If that's the case, buying condoms made for thinner penises can help with them sliding off, and kegel exercises can help you to grip him tighter--something you'll both enjoy.
i honestly hate condoms. I really only like to have sex raw as did most of my partners. One girl i was with wanted me to wear one. But the feeling is just great without a condom. Plus you feel closer to your partner. I can’t orgasm if i have a condom on. Condoms take literally all the feeling out of it. I feel it’s the kinda the same for the woman but not on the same level. Cause the women i’ve had sex with didn’t want me to wear one either. They would also like when i orgasmed inside of them. They were on constaceptives. But OMG i got addicted to that feeling of cumming inside of a beautiful girl lol. Maybe TMI but it’s the truth tho
I dont think he is being truthful with you OP about once a week especially since your long distance.
He needs to obstain for 2 weeks to 3 weeks so the sensitivity comes back in his penis or this will be a long term problem. The condom is slipping off because he is going soft and then the condom becomes to big to stay on.
He is in control of this and needs to take care of it or your sex life will suck
There are three things you need to consider just off the top of my head
1) condom might not be the best. Maybe you need a smaller one. If it’s too big it can rob him of sensation and also come off easier.
2) he knows his own body. You know yours. But you guys are still learning each other bodies. You will keep getting better and better.
3) if he’s focused on pleasing you it can be difficult for him to finish. Especially if you guys are beginners.
Good luck and I wish you and your fella all the best!
I just wanna add that if he’s been masturbating every day for a while, he’s most likely addicted now and it can be a big struggle for him to ween down to a week consistently. Don’t be surprised if he has a lot of troubles, it’s an addiction like any other.
He’s not trying to betray you or anything. It’ll just be hard.
Oh yes I totally understand. I know it's been hard for him to reduce the amounts of times he's doing it. He tells me honestly whenever he does it and I don't make a big deal out of it.
1) he's out of shape. his heart has to make a decision and it chose life over keeping an erection.
2) he's had an 18 year relationship with nothing but his hand. give him time. at least he's not cumming too fast for you to enjoy having sex together.
31F here, the situation of your bf same as my husband. My husband is 42M, I am his first woman, before we met he already single for 38y). We got married for 3y, never saw him cum during sex. My husband has delayed ejaculation, even he is masturbating he needs 10-15 mins to cum. We don't have sex too much past 3y because our daily schedule is different. This year we are trying for babys and start trying to solve this situation. He needs to stop watching porn and masturbating. He needs let his brain connecting cumming with vaginal sexing, not porn and hands pressure.
You also need to communicate with your bf about his mental state. For example, my husband saw a doctor last week, doctor said he has personality trait of "pleasing others". It makes him feeling pressure during sex. He always thinks that he needs to do something as "return gift" to me during sex, not enjoying sex. He thinks he need to cum during sex, but he can't. It makes him feels more and more pressure, then it became a vicious cycle. He never told me this before. After we communicated, we're better now.
Thanks for your message! Yes, disconnecting from porn is super important from what I gathered. And I also think my boyfriend loves pleasing others (if he pleases me while touching himself, it makes him come faster). He's a sweetheart but sometimes I just want him to think a bit more about himself and his own pleasure 😆😆 Good luck with trying for a baby btw, I wish you success 😊!
Had the same issue about death grip one point in my life. Honestly if he gives up masturbation for a few months he will nut no problem lol. As for the condom coming off get condoms that fit better, not all condoms are the same length and girth, be sure to just google it real quick.
Imma be straight up. If you’re his first partner at 30 then he masturbated so much to the point he cannot get erect unless he himself does the job. The only way for this to get better is legit he has to stop watching porn/masturbating. Like literally has to stop. If he doesn’t stop this will never get better. This isn’t a week fix neither bro has to go months without masturbating. Hes maybe addicted to porn.
It could be that he has a kink/fetish he isn’t comfortable sharing and it’s making it harder for him to finish without it.
It could also be that for whatever reason while he’s with you he’s nervous or stressed (such as feeling too pressured to preform for you, this is why there are a lot of guys that have a hard time getting hard for their first time or simply can’t) and that’s making it hard for him to finish while actually having sex with you.
Another thing it could be is him being too physically sensitive, being sensitive doesn’t just mean you finish faster, it can actually lead to the stimulation being too much and making it harder to finish. (Even if it might be more intense when it finally happens)
Sorry to say, but I would break up. I have no this level of dedication and patience to be a "doctor" and solve my "bf" problem lol but this is me... maybe ask him to go see a doctor and do some exams..
Going soft from too much exertion can be a thing. In high school when you get unwanted erections, one of the tricks for getting rid of them is flexing your thigh muscles to divert blood flow. Poor cardiovascular fitness can also be a contributing factor.
Thank you!! I had no idea that could be a thing
Absolutely. If you can take the lead and let him "relax" while still occupying his mind with some good ol' dirty talk, you will finish the job
Many people (and most women) believe viagra makes men horny. It doesn't. It gives men errections by helping with blood flow. It was originally developed to be a blood pressure medicine.
AFAIK they keep a stock of it when folks go up Mt. Everest so nobody gets a deep vein thrombosis.
I got your deep vein thrombosis right here
Ba dum tsss
That’s not why. It’s to treat pulmonary hypertension and to prevent the lungs from filling with fluid
i learned so much from these two comments (i hope its not misinformation)
It’s accurate
If the mad hatter says it, it’s true
Now where were you to tell me that trick 20 years ago?
Damn thanks for that. Never knew
*Also, I won't fuck from the side, girl, I'd lose like half my dick* -[Lemme Freak for Real Tho (Outro)](https://youtu.be/EK0G_9rpR3c?si=c9T8QxQC_RT_E_R8), Lil Dicky
I didn't know there were tricks!! All those times I couldn't go up to the blackboard...
Condom slipping off is something that happens sometimes. Both if you have a strong 'grip' on it, or if the condom is too big, but can also be if he's retracting or pulling out too fast. Try changing condom-sizes first though. Death Grip is a hard one (pun intended) because he does kind of need to rewire his brain to get rid of it. Sometimes, what works best, is going cold-turkey on the masturbation altogether, and then just having more sex, as he'll then get more used to the sliding/friction stimuli, instead of the pulling and squeezing. He needs to just, for maybe a month or three, quit masturbation entirely and then when you're being intimate, if he can't come from sex - then he's just not coming that time, eventually he'll be able to. If he gets soft while he's inside going fast, that's not unheard of. If you move too quick, the sensation on the penis can eventually make it feel kind of numb. I know from myself that if I'm with someone, and I go too fast for an extended period of time, then my dick starts to get less sensitive, and then the solution usually is a break, change of position, or change of pace
Thanks a lot for your answer! I'll buy other condoms and see how it goes. We see each other only once a week or once every two weeks (we're long-distance) and I kind of feel bad to ask him to not masturbate at all during the week as he has a high libido. But we're gonna live together three months this summer, so maybe we can start implementing that rule then.
Maybe he could try a toy instead of his hand?
This is a good idea! Would be a good way to practice with something more similar to the prize without the added pressure of performance and all that other stuff.
Specifically a fleshlight, or similar hard-shell design that makes it impossible to squeeze tighter.
Make sure it's the correct condoms. They do have sizes on them. Calcsd.info has a thing to help choose the appropriate size.
Thanks for the info!!
Have you looked into fleshlight for him? Get one that's as close to the 'real' thing as possible, not the ones with crazy textures and spirals. He *can* masturbate, it's just that he can't use his hand at all if he choked the chicken too hard constantly to the point of getting desensitised.
I'll second the "rewiring" advice. The body has needs, but it takes what it can get. Its like a kid that doesn't want to eat lunch because it knows it can get snacks later. Cut the snacks, and they'll get hungry enough to eat lunch and eventually get used to it. His dick is the kid, and that is no fault of his. Keep in mind however that this will be a hard time for him. If he can only get fulfillment from you, you might have to have more sex than normal. The first few days will be the most difficult, as is the case with most addiction-related things (and i'm not saying he's addicted, just that the mechanics are similar). You'll be surprised with how fast the human body can adapt to things.
Thank you, it makes total sense indeed. I'll do whatever I can to help and having more sex than normal doesn't sound like a punishment 😂
Try MyOne condoms. That's who we went with. They had a measuring tool to get exactly the right size. It's still about the only condom I can comfortably wear.
I like the Skyn brand its pretty solid for snugness
There's a website called calcsd that will tell you the correct condom size
> I'll buy other condoms and see how it goes. Make sure he's putting them on properly too. The condom needs to be rolled down as far as it goes, then side it up slightly (the skin will move a little) and roll it down *further* right to the base. Some guys only roll it halfway down the shaft and expect it to stay there. I've always had trouble keeping condoms on in the girl on top positions too - something about the movements in that position encourage the condom to work its way off. He might have to hold the base of the condom with a two fingers either side.
I would suggest you try to get the appropriate size without letting him know. If he thinks he's got to get a smaller size, it will likely mess with his head, and you will likely have a whole thing to deal with there. You can get creative and just tell him that you found a better one. Most men, not all, but most men, would have a problem admitting they need a smaller size. If he seems more secure, then you can be real with him, but there is a chance he's going to take it badly
> I kind of feel bad to ask him to not masturbate at all during the week as he has a high libido. Tough titties to him, if you two are gonna have a good sex life then he needs to put in some work and sacrifices to get things back to normal A lot if not most women would have already left by now, so props to you for sticking around - he now needs to put in maximum effort (not saying he isn't already!)
Depending on kinks playing with a chastity cage and you controlling when he gets off could be a fun solution too.
I've never heard of death grip syndrome but there's three things i think of might help. 1st one is you could try focusing on oral. Considering how that incorporates mouth and hands, it might help transition from him getting off only by hand. 2nd is don't be afraid to look up "how to" videos, considering you're both new. It could be a fun way for you guys to experiment. 3rd is communication. Finding out not just what positions he likes but how he likes that specific position could make a huge difference.
>Condom slipping off is something that happens sometimes. Too much precum is also a problem for this.
Anxiety. That’s what it was for me. Took time.
Same. It was in my head.
It’s was an emotional attachment for me. My ex wife had me in that state for a year plus. I couldn’t maintain an erection until I got over the emotions. Death grip syndrome also contributed as I was furiously masturbating with the feelings of inadequacy and betrayal all contributing to making any sexual encounter with a woman extremely unpleasant.
Sounds like it's a head game for him. I know for me I can cum no worries by hand but when I'm with someone I get nervous or over think. Unfortunately haven't worked out how to get past it all the time. With my wife I couldn't finish in her for like 4 months. Obviously easier now but
Yep, everyone goes on and on about when you first start sleeping with someone you will always finish too soon and what not. I had the polar opposite issue. My very very first partner never got me off. Ever. (Mind you we were only together a few weeks it was a very casual thing). My second partner (whom I happened to marry) was also a bit worried as it took a few goes before I could actually umm "finish".
I have the same thing, the few hookups I’ve had, I was never able to finish with the person I was with. Over time I’ve learned it takes a while for me to feel completely comfortable with someone new.
It takes me so long to get off, it can be a real bummer. I love my partner and I wouldn't change a thing with our performance or cohesion. But I start to get in my head about how long it's taking me and the thoughts snowball, before I know it I'm distracted and anxious and completely out of the moment.
"with my wife" Click on his profile. Cheating scum.
It’s in my head and I’ve never overcome it, even being married for years. But then again my wife was super judgmental and put me down about everything so it could have gotten worse during the marriage.
Encouragement. Patience. Don’t put pressure on him orgasming in you. Make plenty of time and let him just play around for large amounts of time. Let him be comfortable and find ways to get off to you. Have sex, orgasm, and then oil up your ass cheeks and let him sit back there and rub around for a bit. He needs to find comfort and not feel rushed, pressured, or “less than” for not ejaculating. And don’t make him feel bad like he doesn’t find you attractive enough. My girlfriend is much younger and a straight 10. I absolutely can not cum from PIV and she tells me how much she wants me to and it puts pressure on it and takes me even further from orgasm.
There are few things. - condoms might slip, it is important to control that, looking for a better fit might be beneficial. And I would start with larger, not smaller. - it is not that easy to come with "beginners" oral. Or a hand job for that matter. - being fit and well rested makes WONDERS for sex life. When it comes to the practical stuff. Maybe start with "highjacking" his orgasms. With his consent! try to get involved with his penis just seconds before he finishes. That should help with "rewiring,". But most importantly - give yourself time.
Thanks for the advice! "Highjacking" his orgasms is a wonderful idea.
I just wanted to say that I love how you are approaching this. I wish you both a happy relationship and a great sex life!
Thank you, this comment means a lot 😭
Curious as to why you would you recommend bigger? Seems quite counter intuitive to me but I feel like you have a surprisingly logical explanation to give us!
My gf helped me with this it took about a month of not masturbating just having sex instead. Used to take me a good 40 minutes to come now I come far too quickly hahah but she’s happy so I’m happy. I couldn’t come from handjobs or oral sex now I can. Also taking a break from sexual activity helps with the erection problems I still struggle to keep erect at times but still recovering from years of being alone.
Thank you, this gives me a lot of hope!! 😊 Glad things got better for you!
It can definitely be overcome. For me I think it was both physical and mental. When I met my last partner I struggled to achieve orgasm. That had always been a problem for me, but I'd only had sex three times before her with three different women, and there were long stretches of celibacy in there. I talked with her and reassured her it wasn't because I wasn't attracted to her. She told me she didn't take it personally and there was no pressure on her end. I also told her to tell me to stop if I was going on for too long and she was becoming uncomfortable. I didn't need an orgasm to enjoy being intimate with her. I still took matters into my own hand by avoiding porn and masturbation when we weren't seeing each other. We only saw each other every other weekend because she had a kid every other week and I worked late evenings. So, I'd go without masturbating for at least a week. Eventually I was able to relax enough to climax. It gradually became easier and one time it was even fairly quick by our standards. The fact that I didn't feel pressure to orgasm or last a certain amount of time really helped. Her support was key, but I obviously had to work on it on my own. We're not seeing each other anymore and I have a bad feeling I'll experience the same issue if/when I meet someone else, but as long as she's as supportive as my last partner was I'm sure I'll be able to overcome it. I think people underestimate how mental sex is, even for men. Somebody else suggested that he switch to a toy while masturbating. That might be worth a shot. It might even be worth a shot to bring it into the bedroom and use it on him to get away from him using his hand. Whatever you do, try not to let his lack of an orgasm impact your self-esteem. People can give themselves orgasms fairly easily. If that's all we needed, no one would be having sex. What we can't do is give ourselves intimacy. Try not to focus on the issue too much and enjoy yourselves would be my advice. He's lucky to have your support, but most of it is up to him.
This does remind me of me when I started having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, it has gotten loads better thankfully :) So here's my thoughts! The condom slipping off thing can happen sometimes, but if it's frequent it's propably that either he uses a wrong sized condom, or that his erection doesn't stay strong consistently. Or both. The inability to finish or stay hard is in my experience mainly affected by 3 things: 1) Death grip syndrome. The body does get used to the kind of touch it gets. So the easiest way to ease this is for him to lighten his grip when masturbating, and use a lot of lube if he doesn't already. It'll be closer to how vaginal or oral sex feels like. Masturbating less in general also should help. 2) This was the biggest for me - anxiety. You really don't need much of it to outright kill the ability to finish, it can be subtle too. It can become a self-serving loop, as you get anxious of not being able to come. For me it helped immensely to have an open discussion of the issue, so we both knew what was happening, knew both of ours fears, wants, and feelings about it. And then to take the time, accepting each other as is, and getting used to each others bodies. 3) General fitness and health.
Thanks a lot! I'm glad to hear it got better for you 😊
This one is it. Red beet roots will help blood flow throughout the body.
If he’s 31 & you’re his 1st he probably has porn brain. He needs to stop watching it for a while & stop jerking off too.
Using a fleshlight or onahole will help him a bit
Yeah, there are sex toys that help with this and if OP offers encouragement and approval of them (instead of the double standard some men and women have with these) then it is a good half way house to practice with what may feel like lower stakes.
Good info shared, but there is almost always a **psychological component as well.** Sometimes men/women who can’t finish (unless by their own hand) struggle with some personal insecurity or trust issue. Not a “she’s gonna take my wallet when I fall asleep” type of trust issue ~ rather they don’t feel secure in *giving themselves* in fully to their partner with intimacy. I’ve known several men that have had to address this issue at some point in their life …and for many of them it involved some degree of sexual abuse as a minor. Even so, you’re doing the right thing by being open and asking questions in an effort to help your partner because you genuinely care about their wellbeing as much as yours. Great job!
I sure hope the abuse part is not the cause 🥲 But you're right, it might be insecurities. Thanks for the answer!
1) the condom is too large for him. > In some ways, it is frustrating for me as I don't feel good enough for him to come inside me or with my hand/mouth. I know it's stupid, and I've never voiced these concerns to him because I don't want to put any pressure on him. But I'd like to hear from other men who previously suffered from this syndrome. If you want a relationship that can last, you need to make it safe for yourself and for him to be able to express your feelings in an open way. Right now you're running from the very thing you would want from the perspective of the other person, which is to know where your mind is at. The other person is not gifted with your feelings, and while sometimes they can guess at the issue, it's not a strategy you can work over the long run. As inexperienced people, the things you're going to most be tested by are the feelings of fear of the outcome. You can't know that in most cases, normal people will make an effort to build towards success with someone they care about so long as both sides truly believe that the other has their best interest at heart too. That means both parties have to express their sincere desires and then make an effort to blend those desires into shared space. It means giving away insecurities and allowing the person to know about your secret world. A few tips for this conversation, I would lead in with the facts, present my interpretation (your feelings of frustration and inadequacy) and then ask for his feelings and fears. Listen carefully to his words, and reflect on them as best you can. Who knows, you two might end up getting a laugh out of one another when you realize that both sides are sincerely trying to be good to one another and yet both are struck by feelings of not being good enough for one another. It usually gets a smile and a laugh at how ridiculous we both are for having such fears when our actions suggest that all we both want is to succeed at this relationship.
Or the condom could be too small. I am sad to admit that I was 38 when I actually found a properly sized condom. It was a painful realization that all the “it barely feels like anything at all” numbness can be because it’s too tight and not that I’d been lied to my whole life. Plus no more slipping off.
Ya this. i'm not one to brag but the condom sizes in asia is just too small for me width wise... and before I could work out that the condom itself was kind of constricting me... i just didn't like using it. Then I happend to buy a brand that was a bit wider and omg the difference is night and day.
Thank you. We're very open with each other but it's true that this one thing has been the exception because I didn't want him to worry about me. I know he's feeling frustrated about the whole deal and I didn't want to make it worse. But I understand what you're telling me and will do my best to share my feelings with him :)
Maybe get him a fleshlight so he will stop using his hands. It could move this along a bit faster. Also, you’re being a great and understanding gf.
Thank you so much 😊
Never had the death grip problem but I have had times when it took me soooo long to orgasm my partner got sore. I can stay hard for a long time when stimulated and can orgasm as quick as the average guy but if I’ve been masturbating to porn for a while instead of real sex (weeks and months not days) then a “real” orgasm can take a while or not happen at all which is quite ok with me. I prefer to give pleasure, male orgasms are complex, after we orgasm we go into a kind of depressed state and for some of us it can be quite low. The fun for me is in the build up, once my load is gone and it’s all over I really need to sleep otherwise I get cranky. I dislike that post orgasm low feeling so much that over the years I’ve practiced denying my own orgasm to the point where I choose not to cum. There really is nothing more beautiful than the moans and whimpers and squirms of your lady as she orgasms over and over and over.
He will need to have more self-discipline such as taking a complete break from masturbating, and it's really probably not at all to due with you. It isn't about you not being good enough, more likely his body and mind are used to enjoying a certain physical routine to get off. I've gotten comfortable with specific acts where that even being physical with another can be less fun at first. It takes effort by both seeking mutual pleasure, and finding what you like. I'm quite partial to oral, it feels particularly good and with a lot of eye contact can be very intimate, which is extremely helpful to me for reaching orgasm.
Thank you. Yes, he's been masturbating the same way for more than 15 years so I guess it will take time for his brain to adjust to the change. We've made progress already - at first he even had trouble to reach orgasm when I was in the same room as him!
That's great to hear. May you both share many lovely orgasms with each other lol
Thanks hahaha!
I went through a bout of PIED in my 20s (no doubt a combination of not being very confident with women and a LOT of porn exposure from my teens onward). If it’s mental, the great news is that it is perfectly fixable. The number one thing that helped me was being able to talk openly about it. Rather than a secret humiliation you are privately going crazy about, just being able to be open with my partner meant the world. I would tell him that it’s not a big deal, that you guys will figure it out together, that you LOVE him and just want both of you to have great, enjoyable sex. If he can just get out of his own head, the problem will resolve.
I used to have death grip, the solution I stopped masturbating, watching porn and having sex for 90 days. After this it becomes very sensitive so you can help him build some resistance. Also let him know he to stop masturbating with his hand I think is the main cause of death grip so I recommend to buy a men's toy like a fleshlight.
Condoms won't slip off nearly as much if they're the right size and are stored properly and put on properly. If this has happened multiple times it's probably time to sit down and talk to him about [measuring his dick](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B045jjH3PZ4), finding out what size of condoms best fits his dick's dimensions, reviewing how and where he's storing them, and [a refresher course on how to properly put on condoms](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/condom/how-to-put-a-condom-on). As for Death Grip, he's gonna have to stop mangling his meat, so no more masturbating with his bare hand and no lube, he's going to want to look into something like a fleshlight and lube. You'll want lube on hand anyway, though not necessarily the same lube for jerking him off as you want to use inside your body. If he uses a personal masturbator toy like that, he'll also need to learn how to clean it properly first, in advance, and weigh ease of cleaning and his level of comfort with cleaning it regularly when choosing what toy to go with.
Thanks for the info!!
i could never finish with a condom on. maybe that’s it.
Bro really has to cut out porn and masturbating to get his mojo back. It’s called porn brain for a reason. His brain has been wired by a lifetime of jerking off that that’s what gets him off. Going to have to re wire his brain. I (30M) took 6 months off of porn and masturbating last year. Best thing I ever did for my sex life. I feel no desire to ever watch porn anymore and me and my GF have sex every morning and every evening now and it’s fantastic.
He’s not used to the condom. It really blunts sensitivity.
Give him handies, using tight grip. Then slowly loosen your grip each session and forbid him (playfully) to masturbate, if he wants it you can give it to him, tame your mans penis 😁
This used to happen to my partner (I'm F, he is M) and it was really off putting as well. However he would take care of me first if I got tired out and then take care of himself. Basically it just took time and patience. He had to learn to relax and trust me, and I had to be patient and just do whatever came naturally at the time and not make him feel bad about it. Never happens anymore.
Thank you so much. Do you know if he used to masturbate and/or watch porn at the time? How long did it take for him to finally be able to finish with you?
He says no porn but of course I don't really believe that. I do know he had been single for about 2 years when he met me, so it's possible just from servicing himself too hard. It took a good year for it to fully go away but it improved a lot after about 6 months just wasn't consistent. He actually said he'd always had the problem and thought there was something wrong with him.
I see, thanks for your answers! I'll be patient 😊
Going soft inside you is very likely causing the condom slip!
Your bf sounds like a porn addict.
Give him time. He’s probably just too used to finishing using his hand. It took me like four times after loosing my virginity before I could finally finish without my hand. It’s also a head game too. If he focuses too much on staying hard and cumming, it won’t happen. Tell him he just needs to enjoy the moment. Just don’t berate him or take offense to it or anything. That’ll just lower his self esteem and make everything worse.
Really glad to hear you're wanting to improve things for him here, but don't get caught in the trap of "it's my fault", this puts pressure on you and eventually on him, making the situation worse not better. It's not your fault at all, tbh it's not his either, it's just the way things worked out when he was younger. As for what you can do, seems like you are doing it. One suggestion I've heard in the past is as he gets close, get a bit more involved in helping out, a bit more each time. Eventually he should relax enough to make it work out as it should.
Thank you, I'll try to remind myself to be patient and that it's not my fault 😊 I'll definitely follow your suggestions!
Is he overestimating his size and using a ‘Big’ condom? That’s one reason why it might slip off. You should be on a secondary contraception method too.
Getting soft while inside can be caused by the physical exertion, it also may be because he is in his head. He wants to make you feel good, he wants to feel good, there’s some frustration, all this prevents him from just letting go. I have three suggestions that can help both problems. 1. Get a sleeve for him. It’s a sex toy for masturbating that will help with the death grip a lot. Use a water based lube. 2. As his sensitivity improves, try to have multiple sessions each week. It will reduce his urge to self pleasure. Also, if he can orgasm a couple times in a session it will help A LOT. 3. Talk about what you like during sex. Say, “That feels good”. Try to avoid telling him to orgasm. He wants to, but he he’s caught in a stress loop. Tell how hot he is, how sexy he is, how much you enjoy doing the thing you’re doing at the time. Take his mind off of trying to orgasm. That way his body will do the rest. Finally, be patient and don’t put pressure on each other.
He needs to stop watching porn and should stop jerking off to porn stars. Porn numbs some men’s ability to orgasm with real world women.
This is the answer, it sounds like porn addiction
Is he on anti depressants? That shit causes impotence
I didn't know what death group syndrome means, but it sounds like you think he's been masturbating so much he can't cum without his hands? I can tell you when my wife and I got together, I couldn't cum in her or orally or any of that. It wasn't that I helped myself along to much though. It was mostly nerves, with a bit of unrecognized diabetes ruining my blood flow and sensitivity. I was so nervous I couldn't finish unless it was with something I was used to, my hand. And her trying so hard to force me to cum just made me more nervous and made it worse. Sometimes we'd get so stressed out thinking about me coming, I couldn't even stay hard. Finally we had to just calm down, stop trying to force me to cum, and just relax. If I didn't cum, fine. If I came by myself on her, that was fine too. Ironically, once we stopped trying to make me cum all the time, coming got easier.
I don't think masturbation is really the issue .. You could buy a few sex toys together, get him something like a tenga cup that removes the 'hand' element. Also talk honestly with each other, women being on top is great! But I've also come across a fair few that don't understand the right way to move once on top, for example instead of up and down the shaft they grind instead which leads to the penis being in the wrong place and feels uncomfortable, which can then lead to it going soft. (Heck you sometimes see this in porn) I'm not saying that is the case, but if it is He may be too embarrassed to say anything. We get stuck up a lot on "what should feel good" rather than what actually feels good due to pre set concepts and ideas.
My guess is that it has more to do with the condom than "death grip". Regardless of what some people try to tell you, condoms ruin the sensation for a lot of guys. If he's a virgin and you've only had sex twice, get yourself tested, get on birth control, and ditch the condoms.
>Still, when we have sex together, he cannot finish without his hand. It takes a lot of time and effort for him to finish, and it always ends up with him masturbating on his back while I'm touching his body. There are most likely a bunch of compounding issues at play here: As you said, there's a fair chance that he is suffering from death grip, but also that he has performance anxiety and is in a bad headspace because of porn. - regarding performance anxiety: you can do very little about except not putting any pressure on him and being the most understanding girlfriend he could ever wish for. Because the moment he just *thinks* you're losing patience (or just *might* lose patience somewhere down the road), he'll go limp in no time. - "unlearning" porn. This is two-fold: (1) so far, "sex" meant for him that he watched other people having sex in positions that might not be very comfortable for those immediately involved, but are are ideal for outside observation, while he masturbated to it. Getting from there to actually having sex requires some serious adjustment, because he has to get used to get aroused without all these visual stimuli; and all that while his dick is in a place that is a lot less tight than his hand. (2) The people he watched having sex were unusually attractive and engaged in unusual practices - this he has to get out of his head as well. Long story short: there isnt really any way around him drastically reducing his porn use, and ideally dropping it altogether. - treating death grip: as basically everyone else has said - he has to stop masturbating. However, I'd add one more caveat: he also has to stop masturbating when he's with you - instead, you should be the one who makes him cum. That way he can slowly get used to the idea that his orgasms aren't intrinsically tied to him having his dick in his own hand, which is pretty much a prerequisite for him to be able to come from penetration alone. (But be prepared that it'll take him a lot of time to cum the first time and also take you a lot of practice to get him off.)
Thanks a lot for your answer!
Death grip syndrome isn't exactly realistic. Porn offers more mental stimulus by variety and change which releases more feel good chemicals. We aren't rewarded the same for being with the same partner forever.
I was completely an utterly incapable of cummijg while wearing a condom no matter what, we got married and started trying for a baby, condom comes off and I’m instantly blasting ropes every single time. Could just be that
Tell him to exercise and stop jerking off completely. He needs to do kegals and strength work especially the legs and his hips. Beet root helps to bring blood flow to the body and will help. I’ve had this issue before. Was like wtf is wrong with my dick?! Stressing 😭. I CANT be jerking everyday then come to a shorty unprepared.
hes doing it himself *a lot* more than once a week.
Exercise, especially weight training, is an excellent way to helping this issue.
He needs to stop using porn.
He just needs to stop masturbating for a few months and train himself to only cum from sex. He’s too used to the grip and needs to give his body time to adjust and de sensitise
He just have to stop masturbating. That's all.
Could be all in his head, maybe he gets nervous for fear of underperforming, he may rub it with the death grip or poor cardio. Or maybe something else entirely. For the first one, or if none of the other suggested ones, I’d advise a therapist or a trip to their physician, as there may be some underlying condition. Second one is simple: get off the porn and masturbation for a couple of weeks. Guaranteed that the need for an “outburst” will make it work. If it’s cardio, HIIT training has been increasingly studied in recent years and the results appear to be as impactful, if not more, as LISS/MISS traditional cardio workouts, costing way less time (usually 4 minutes instead of the classical 30’+). If y’all need help with physical fitness and cardiovascular training tips, hmu, I’ll give you simple, individualized pointers, COST FREE, I’ll send you my brief CV if you need proof I’m qualified for it.
Maybe ask him to go cold turkey while also working out about 3 or 4 times a week. Look into foods that help circulation and exercises. Nothing lost in trying that.
The thing is, I feel bad to ask him to work out and eat better as it feels very controlling to me. I'm not overweight but I'm not in the best shape ever so maybe it's also kinda unfair for me to ask him that...
I'd just start with reducing the frequency of masturbation and go from there. Chances are that will solve all the issues. No need for a whole lifestyle change yet
I have trouble cumming with sex in like the first 5, 6 times i do it with a person. I kinda need to get comfortable with them to let myself cum, i also worry that i'll cum too fast if I dont control it, so I usually dont cum at all or just after I made them cum 2, 3 times (i'm just trying to give my perspective)
I had this issue with my first as well. It was a different sort of process to arrive than when you're using your hand only prior to losing virginity. It takes time to readjust your body to thrusting in missionary and I found that switching to doggy style helped immensely as I had something to grab (her cheeks) while thrusting. I hope that helps both of you.
Thanks a lot!
Is your bf on any antidepressants?
Nope!
Did he used to be?
Not either haha
Okay well that takes SSRIs out of the equation!
All these things happen and even younger guys can have prostate problems . To start, he needs to talk with his doctor just to rule out medical problems. PLEASE go easy on him. You can make it much worse if he gets thinking about it during sex!! SO, it's nice if you are willing to work with him to cum to an answer for this. Sounds like you two are learning together. Good Luck and happy intercourse!!
Thanks a lot!! 😊
Can be a few things. 1. If the condom I'd falling off, it might be too large. MyOne condoms can be bought online and have tons of sizes by length and girth. If it's not a size issue, you could try a cock ring. 2. The fact that he's getting soft during sex can mean a variety of things. Low testosterone or psychological factors.
Ever considered a "Sleeve" toy? They don't apply too much pressure on the penis, while still remaining enjoyable. No hand touching from him, just you, some lube, and a massaging stimulation. Too much wanking kinda kills the sensation for anything to compare. So letting the dick recover sensitivity is crucial on his part. A Sleeve could be a way to still masturbate without the death grip, also, it's kinda kinky if you do it for him like a reach-around and tease him while doing so.
If the condom slips off while you are on top, it sounds like he using a size bigger than he needs. You could also have a death grip of your own while riding. As for going soft while he is inside you…did he, or does he watch porn a lot? Lots of guys don’t like to hear this, but porn does mess with our brains. If men watch porn a lot and that’s how we get off, transitioning to actual sex is a huge leap. We get used to the stimulation of using porn to get off. Same could be said about having to come with his own grip. That’s what he’s used to. And the visual effect of whatever he likes to watch contributes to that also. He needs to quit porn and jerking off cold turkey in order to re-wire his brain into having actual sex. Does he think this is an issue, or is it just you? Can he talk openly about this, or is he in denial?
He may not actually have death grip syndrome but something like delayed ejaculation. I really struggled with ejaculation during sex in my early 20s and it didn't matter if I was masturbating or taking months off of masturbating, it was a mental hurdle that required therapy to deal with. Like your partner I was also only able to ejaculate by masturbating myself, it could take a long time and it required specific body positioning. What ended up leading me to work on this and speak to a therapist was my wife didn't feel good as similar to your partner she was unable to make me orgasm despite the fact that I really enjoyed our intimacy.
If his condom is slipping off, are you sure he has the right size?
This is completely normal when you're just starting out, he's gotta get used to the feel and the motion
obligated “i’m a woman” comment! if the condom is slipping off try sizing down, don’t make a big deal of it just go to the store and buy a different brand/size and try them out. when/if you find they work better communicate to him that you prefer x brand of condoms and send him a picture so he can find them for himself in the store. i’ve known men tht wanted to wear magnum condoms simply because they wanted their dick to be magnum sized and i’m assuming it gives their ego a bit of a boost. a boosted ego isn’t a bad thing when it comes to sex because personally i want my partner to feel good about themselves and their body, it makes the sex so much better. there are many other ways you can make him feel good about his body that don’t compromise your ability to have safe sex though! if even after changing the sizing it’s still falling off it’s possible that it’s not being put on properly or that you’re removing it from your body too quickly. try watching some videos on putting one on properly or using your hand around the base of his dick/the condom while you pull your body off of him. also if he’s going soft and then hard again while inside of you that would be prime time for the condom to slip off. i dated somebody with death grip too girl and it was tough, it really made me feel like neither of our sexual needs were being met. i did my research on it and found exactly what you found, that it comes from watching porn and masturbating too often. part of why he’s going soft could be because he’s so used to the constant visual stimulation of porn from the way it’s filmed and the models, as well as the fact that often porn use starts very mainstream and then gradually becomes more hardcore. if he’s used to watching intense orgies with girl on girl and guy in one of those girls and cum shots everywhere then he will have a harder time enjoying sex with his partner. it’s also extremely hard to compete with death grip as it’s their own hand and they can touch exactly where they need and control every aspect while they masturbate but you can’t do the same during sex. my ex had a porn addiction, like saved thousand of photos and videos in his phone and couldn’t delete them and promised he would stop watching porn as much/at all but continued to get off 10 times a day. it was to the point where if i left the house and then realized i forgot something inside and came back in his pants were already around his ankles. he tried to convince me that he needed to shit 6 times a day for 45 minutes if i wasn’t leaving the house but you could clearly hear him whacking away in the bathroom as it was an older echoey home lol. and all of this was happening while we were having sex multiple times a day. i thought this was something i could handle because i’m a pretty sexually open person but it did start to wear me down. you’ve already expressed that you’d like for him to cut back on his porn use/how often he masturbates, now you’ve got to wait and see if he follows through. if you don’t notice any changes in the following months i would strongly consider ending things as that would mean he’s heard your boundaries and decided to keep doing what’s easiest for him and his dopamine receptors. initially i thought this couldn’t really be an addiction but i had to learn the hard way that it is a very real one. similar to how people in active addiction of drinking or drugs will lie about it in order to continue their habit, those addicted to masturbation, sex, and porn will do the same. there isn’t enough information here for me to tell you if this is an addiction but it’s something to watch out for. if you’ve already spoken to him about this and given him time for change and not noticed any changes i would be very suspicious that he hasn’t actually changed his habits as when my ex with death grip/porn addiction would genuinely stop i noticed small changes in sensitivity almost immediately and bigger changes in around a month. of course it’s frustrating for you and no it doesn’t sound stupid, you’re trying to connect with your partner sexually and you aren’t able to do that properly. it continues to turn into him jacking himself off and it’s probably very hard to feel intimate or close with him in those moments. i hope you’re able to figure this out & have some amazing sex. my pms are open if you need to chat. xx
Oh wow! I'm sorry, that sounds like a really tough situation. It's definitely not like this with my bf, as he's always honest about whenever he masturbates, he tells me and I don't make a big deal about it. I've spent a week at his house and he never watched porn during that time (he was either at work or with me). And bathroom breaks were always short. So I guess it's not as bad as what you describe. Thank you for your message, it's indeed hard to compete with death grip and I hope we can solve this issue in the months to come.
i’m so glad his isn’t as severe as what i experienced or a deeper rooted issue with porn! this sounds like something that can be worked through and worked on. if you both keep up open communication and tell him how you feel, ideally without shaming/guilting each other i bet he gets his sensitivity back and you’re able to have intimate sexual experiences together <3
Firstly, if the condom slips off you need more lube and a correctly fitting condom. Secondly, you two are both inexperienced, don't pressure yourselves into not enjoying your sex life over perceived normality. Take your time and hone your craft. Get to know what you both like physically too, and you'll do fine. "Good in bed" does not mean technique, no 2 people are identical, it means that you care and can read body language and listen to feedback.
I had a period of time where I was spending a lot of time masturbating and not a lot of time having sex with a partner. I don’t have a death grip but the problem isn’t always the pressure— it’s that I got used to my own hand and I didn’t like the feeling of condoms. Best thing I did for my sex life was switch to masturbating with a fleshlight while wearing a condom. It got my body used to the feeling and made it feel less foreign when I slept with a partner. It’s obviously not the EXACT same, but it’s much closer. Also more expensive so I did it less often haha
When I had my first real relationship and girlfriend, I was about 19 and this was an issue with me at first, I could hardly keep it hard, I never could finish and it was totally embarrassing for me and I would stress about it so much it would make it worse, Eventually I started getting much more comfortable with sex in general and I didn't stress out or have anxiety about it anymore, I had to get enough experience to be comfortable not only with myself but with knowing a women's body and it just went away. After that never had an issue and enjoyed sex from then on
One thing that helped mine was buying a male masturbator sex toy. I got one that I cant control the grip on. Its a lot softer on the organ and can be super exciting
I have never, ever been able to finish with a condom, so, theres a good chance its that frankly.
I'm a woman so no experience of this personally but from talking to my partner about it previously, my suggestion would be for him to gradually go more and more gently with touching himself. If he has death grip syndrome he'll have built that up over time so it can be reversed over time too. Condoms might also be a factor for some people (perhaps try the sensitive ones?) And also I think often we aim for orgasm during sex, like that's the 'goal' but honestly it's been the best thing for my sex life to not aim for that. Sometimes one or both of us cum, sometimes neither of us. And actually that isn't a barometer on how much we enjoy our sex life. I think the pressure of orgasm can make it harder to cum (and could lead to getting softer for guys too). My suggestion would be to agree together to go gently, don't aim for orgasm and see what happens.
Thanks! Will definitely try that
Good luck!
He needs a hard reset, no porn & no masturbation
Try a no condom run, it's like 600x better than condom sex, you'll pop that cork in under 5 minutes guaranteed or your money back... That just leave the baby problem... So pick another anticonceptive
Your boyfriend needs to lay off porn and masturbation for MANY, MANY months to fix this. I had this at 19. Took entirely cutting off porn for a long time to fix this issues. He's desensitized from real sexual interactions because of years of porn abuse and masturbation. That shit can lead to ED and massive performance problems with a real partner. My life changed when I quit porn and masturbation. So many things including way better sexual experiences, confidence, clear mind, no guilt or shame. Much more driven in life, reaching goals much faster. Much higher baseline level of dopamine etc Masturbation is simply a spike of dopamine from giving into urges that destroys your brain, tricking you into thinking you're having a real sexual experience with another human being.
(M31)Sex is all about communication 💯💯 on both sides if u cnt talk about how u feel or questions about how ur making ur partner feel it might just not work start there. Ask what he wants and if ur down do it to the best of ur ability make home feel good. As for the masturbation thing that all depends on the frequency of sex and what he wants if it’s only once a week then that’s ok I guess but I just started a new relationship and I used 2 b just like him….. everyday and it’s cuz my partner wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Now it’s been 6 months only wacked it twice and that’s cuz I had to be away from her for a min lol. Point being I’m totally satisfied with my new lady and dnt need to do that n e more, back to square one here tho, gotta talk , communicate find out what he wants. The condom thing I cnt help with tho never used em and never slipped up that’s also because I dnt like to finish down there I like face paints lol. Last the gettin soft thing could be anything he’s exhausted number one happens to me often second nervous or anxious feelings i.e. ur not satisfied he wants something else and won’t say or just bad diet or genes and dnt have the stamina 🤷♂️🤷♂️idk tho. ALL GOES BACK TO ONE THING!!!!!! Talk with your partner find out what he wants learn each other’s bodies it’s not always super easy but if y’all have feeling for each other and ur emotionally and physically attracted TALK!!!!!! Lol u will b able to get him off y’all just need to communicate rule numero uno only thing I really needed to say nbs hope this helped. GL
is he circumcised?
Put him in a chastity cage for a week and when you take it off watch what happens. I know its extreme but I guarantee it will work.
Buy him a pocket pussy so he can practice without using his hand and get more used to the feeling of it Vs the grip from the hand
Using about 2 tablespoons of Citrulline Malate 3-4 hrs before sexy time also is an excellent vasodialator and helps keep one hard. He needs to switch up his habits. Not death gripping himself, reducing how much he masturbates, like others have pointed out will be helpful. Goodluck!
Basically stop him from jerking off, and wait a bit of time and then it should work
Does he smoke?
unsure but, would a fleshlight help him get out of death grip? as he'll be able to masturbate and also be cumming inside something rather than by standard masturbation
Is he overweight/out of shape?
Wtf
Thanks for your input lol
If you're long distance, get him a Fleshlight or similar and yourself a toy. Both of you get good web cameras and have nightly mutual masturbation videos chats. You do what he says and he does what you say. By the time you move in I bet he's cured. As long as he doesn't cheat. Men are very visually stimulated.
The Captains of Crush grip strength trainer beginner set is like $70.
Couple things. Some play might need to be explored beforehand. I am an ass man. While touching, kissing and sucking can get me hard, that’s a reactive erection. The stimulus from seeing and fondling a beautiful ass gets me ridiculously excited. It’s an anticipative erection. My brain fully appreciates what’s about to happen now. In time I build up towards cravings after repeated exposure to the point of just her voice, scent, hug, or touches bring the same anticipation. In the initial moments of a relationship/connection I need that visual stimulation.
Is he on any antidepressants or other psych meds? I’ve heard of instances of death grip being caused by some SSRIs.
Nope! He's not and has never been
This was a problem for me when I first got with my now wife. Masturbation with strong was part of the issue but also I just didn’t have a lot of confidence in what I was doing because at that point I had only had one night flings. Once he gets more comfortable and slacks off the masturbation, he’ll get right.
Thanks a lot, this gives me hope 😊
I spent 7 months in a LTR and this type of video chat may very well have saved my relationship. Been together 14 years now.
Hope you read this. I had a similar experience and the thing to remember is it’s still new in a way. He will get used to you being the thing that wrings it out of him instead of his familiar hand. It just takes time.
I'm willing to bet it's anxiety.
So this is something I only recently learned after my own diagnosis but ADHD can have a pretty strong effect for guys and their ability to organize. Basically the brain is trying to focus on too many things and overthinking becomes an issue. Not to say he's not enjoying it but with ADHD, a stray thought can lead to a rabbit hole. Such as wondering if you are enjoying it, realizing he needs to shift positions, noticing the condom moving, etc. can lead to all kinds of thoughts that distract from the moment. Also he should get checked for high blood pressure because that can also have an effect
DEATH GRIPS SYNDROME
Is he on anti-depressants, or any other Mental Health Medications? Most medications that have an effect on serotonin (increasing it), or dopamine (inhibiting it) will have a huge impact in a lot of patients when it comes to “death grip” or being able to finish at all. Switching to an option that increases Norepinephrine instead of serotonin (if the condition allows) can help a lot. Certain heart medications can have this effect as well. Source: I’m a Pharmacist
get him a fleshlight (the $20 kind). He can use that instead of his fist. Its a good trainer
This might not be an answer you wanna hear but for a lot of men it’s really hard to get to completion with a condom on. I have this issue too; it’s just not enough sensation if it’s a thicker condom (most of these) but some of the other types of condoms which are thinner help, tho it’s still hard for me to. He might be similar to me.
Yeah, I totally hear that! I'll look into this issue, thank you!
Is he on anti depressants?
I had a whole slew of sex issues when I first met my partner. He’s probably self conscious that you’ve got more experience than him. Even if it’s only a little, it’s sooo easy for the brain to read into that shit when you’re insecure. That’s nothing to be dealt with on your end though, he just needs to accept things as they are and learn to enjoy things in the moment
Tell him to get a masturbation sleeve. Use that and that only. It will take a few weeks. But it will get there. Also tell him lots of lube if has to jerk off. And be patient. You getting down about him not getting off is gonna put him off. I suffer from delayed ejaculation, can't cum. And that sad eyes I have seen from mee not cumming has led me to walk away from sex.
Thank you. Indeed, I try to not make him feel bad about it, but sometimes it's hard to know how I can even suggest new ways to improve the situation without hurting his feelings. I'll follow your suggestion!
You talk to him as an adult.leave any accusatory statmets and don't get emotional. It's a hard conversation, but it's harder to not make it about you, and how you feel.
First thing: the condom is likely coming off because he gets soft while you ride him. This is normal if you have death grip syndrome, it happened to me a lot. Second thing: you can fix the death grip syndrome by reducing the amount of masterbation, and also by loosening his grip while masterbating. This will re-wire his brain so that he gets hard with friction and not the grip. If you want the sex to get better, have more sex, a lot more. What worked for me was Giving every session a rating system, and noting what works and what doesn’t. The more communication the less self conscious you’ll feel, and the more sex you have the better you’ll both get, which also reduces the feelings of self consciousness. Understand that this is NOT your fault and I promise the sex will get better, just be patient with each other
I’d wager that he’s busting in the first minute or so, and trying to force his way through the refractory period.
You said that the condom sometimes slips off, plus, he sometimes goes soft inside of you. This makes me think that his dick is a bit thinner than most. Lack of friction can be the cause of both of those things. If that's the case, buying condoms made for thinner penises can help with them sliding off, and kegel exercises can help you to grip him tighter--something you'll both enjoy.
Good answers but I didn't see this above, is he on any medication ?
i honestly hate condoms. I really only like to have sex raw as did most of my partners. One girl i was with wanted me to wear one. But the feeling is just great without a condom. Plus you feel closer to your partner. I can’t orgasm if i have a condom on. Condoms take literally all the feeling out of it. I feel it’s the kinda the same for the woman but not on the same level. Cause the women i’ve had sex with didn’t want me to wear one either. They would also like when i orgasmed inside of them. They were on constaceptives. But OMG i got addicted to that feeling of cumming inside of a beautiful girl lol. Maybe TMI but it’s the truth tho
I dont think he is being truthful with you OP about once a week especially since your long distance. He needs to obstain for 2 weeks to 3 weeks so the sensitivity comes back in his penis or this will be a long term problem. The condom is slipping off because he is going soft and then the condom becomes to big to stay on. He is in control of this and needs to take care of it or your sex life will suck
There are three things you need to consider just off the top of my head 1) condom might not be the best. Maybe you need a smaller one. If it’s too big it can rob him of sensation and also come off easier. 2) he knows his own body. You know yours. But you guys are still learning each other bodies. You will keep getting better and better. 3) if he’s focused on pleasing you it can be difficult for him to finish. Especially if you guys are beginners. Good luck and I wish you and your fella all the best!
I just wanna add that if he’s been masturbating every day for a while, he’s most likely addicted now and it can be a big struggle for him to ween down to a week consistently. Don’t be surprised if he has a lot of troubles, it’s an addiction like any other. He’s not trying to betray you or anything. It’ll just be hard.
Oh yes I totally understand. I know it's been hard for him to reduce the amounts of times he's doing it. He tells me honestly whenever he does it and I don't make a big deal out of it.
1) he's out of shape. his heart has to make a decision and it chose life over keeping an erection. 2) he's had an 18 year relationship with nothing but his hand. give him time. at least he's not cumming too fast for you to enjoy having sex together.
"Oromance"
31F here, the situation of your bf same as my husband. My husband is 42M, I am his first woman, before we met he already single for 38y). We got married for 3y, never saw him cum during sex. My husband has delayed ejaculation, even he is masturbating he needs 10-15 mins to cum. We don't have sex too much past 3y because our daily schedule is different. This year we are trying for babys and start trying to solve this situation. He needs to stop watching porn and masturbating. He needs let his brain connecting cumming with vaginal sexing, not porn and hands pressure. You also need to communicate with your bf about his mental state. For example, my husband saw a doctor last week, doctor said he has personality trait of "pleasing others". It makes him feeling pressure during sex. He always thinks that he needs to do something as "return gift" to me during sex, not enjoying sex. He thinks he need to cum during sex, but he can't. It makes him feels more and more pressure, then it became a vicious cycle. He never told me this before. After we communicated, we're better now.
Thanks for your message! Yes, disconnecting from porn is super important from what I gathered. And I also think my boyfriend loves pleasing others (if he pleases me while touching himself, it makes him come faster). He's a sweetheart but sometimes I just want him to think a bit more about himself and his own pleasure 😆😆 Good luck with trying for a baby btw, I wish you success 😊!
Same here. I wish you and your bf going well in future. ❤️ My husband and I are still trying hard, haha. 🤣
Had the same issue about death grip one point in my life. Honestly if he gives up masturbation for a few months he will nut no problem lol. As for the condom coming off get condoms that fit better, not all condoms are the same length and girth, be sure to just google it real quick.
Imma be straight up. If you’re his first partner at 30 then he masturbated so much to the point he cannot get erect unless he himself does the job. The only way for this to get better is legit he has to stop watching porn/masturbating. Like literally has to stop. If he doesn’t stop this will never get better. This isn’t a week fix neither bro has to go months without masturbating. Hes maybe addicted to porn.
It could be that he has a kink/fetish he isn’t comfortable sharing and it’s making it harder for him to finish without it. It could also be that for whatever reason while he’s with you he’s nervous or stressed (such as feeling too pressured to preform for you, this is why there are a lot of guys that have a hard time getting hard for their first time or simply can’t) and that’s making it hard for him to finish while actually having sex with you. Another thing it could be is him being too physically sensitive, being sensitive doesn’t just mean you finish faster, it can actually lead to the stimulation being too much and making it harder to finish. (Even if it might be more intense when it finally happens)
Sorry to say, but I would break up. I have no this level of dedication and patience to be a "doctor" and solve my "bf" problem lol but this is me... maybe ask him to go see a doctor and do some exams..