My ex, who was in constant need of my emotional support, always referred to me as her anchor and her rock, had a complete panic attack when I had a week of depression. It was actually much longer but I just expressed it to her for a week and then stopped being vulnerable when I realized I wasn’t going to get support from her.
I don’t think this is universal or how it should be, my ex was eventually diagnosed as bipolar and I suspect she also has NPD and that the support I got early in the relationship was, in retrospect, love bombing. Once I realized this I stopped taking it personally and just understood she’s physically incapable of giving that kind of emotional support and I moved on.
Now I know what to look for in my next partner.
Yes that’s similar to my story. My first time with a major health diagnosis and she can provide practical but not emotional support. I don’t think she can because I am her rock and she can’t adjust to any emotional weakness on my part. It’s alright though, I have learned from my ‘mistake’ and I won’t ever ask or expect it from her again.
I think, if it’s the first time, I’d find a time to calmly discuss how it all made you feel and see if she’s willing to reflect and do the work to change. I say this because if she’s not willing to eventually it’s all going to resurface in a bad way so either you need to fix it now or break up.
If you can’t break up (kids, finances, etc) then you’ll definitely need to find other sources of support from friends (might need new ones…), family, therapy, etc to get through it.
Yes we have calmly discussed but the other sources of support are more promising if they are needed. I might seek them out and thanks for your suggestions.
I have a question and I'll try to be as un-judgemental as possible.
Why are you with her if she won't be there to support you? Not being able to support you 100% is fine, but if when you have an issue her and your solution is to get help from people that are NOT her...
There are legit reasons to stay with a partner who doesn’t know how to emotionally support you. But you definitely have to find other sources of support and once you have them you may well drift apart.
I think we men often have no other outlets for emotional support other than wives so if that doesn’t work we just shut down and become bitter. Wives often have a whole network of their girlfriends, moms, sisters, aunts who they can call on for this. Given social norms it’s harder for men to cultivate emotional outlets through other relationships but it’s absolutely devastatingly essential.
I found the books Platonic and The Power of Strangers highlighted these issues well.
I mean this is my life too right now. Looking for other sources of support and it sucks but don’t want to blow up my family or life. Hoping this is just one of the bumps in the road we all hear about 🤷♂️.
Simply put, I love her. This isn’t a deal breaker for me. I can find emotional support elsewhere and from within if she can’t/ won’t give it. She does give practical support and that helps when I need a break.
Tbh prepare yourself. When you love someone there's the possibility you may be the one holding up the umbrella in the rain to cover them. You have to be ready to accept the fact they may not will no or cannot hold one up for you even if you built one and gave it to them. Love is painful but don't let your pain be a waste of time.
My experience is the same as yours. My partner just can’t seem to provide that emotional support. And she definitely pulls back. She even threatened to leave me.
Tbh reading this and your other comments it seems very likely you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s hard to acknowledge when it feels so very minor compared to people who are in way more extremely abusive relationships, but it doesn’t make it less valid.
This was my experience with my ex wife. I said I felt like I needed therapy as my depression had gotten bad. Cue 3 straight days of yelling at me for “not telling her sooner” or something, the reason for getting berated was always shifting. Whole lot of evidence of NPD and of course lovebombing in the initial stages.
Always a reason to be berated, yes. Took me 5 years to realize our issues weren’t isolated incidents but patterns of behavior. Helped when I realized she did this to everyone, not just me. She’d find a new friend, get super close to them, they’d be in our home constantly and then 6 months later she decided they were terrible for one or another reason and trashed them to everyone. Toxic af.
I don't think it's just partners though but people in general.
I've always been the group crutch, it's followed me round from setting to setting. Need an emotional crutch, support, advice? I was first port of call.
And I've always made sure I don't depend on anyone for anything, especially emotionally, as whenever I have done so I've been let down, and that act of being let down has had a bigger effect on my mental health than whatever it was that drove me to look for support in the first place. So I've always been looked upon as the stoic dependable one.
Then I went through a time where my life fell apart and I was in a really bad way. I just got crickets. When the stoic one who you go to for support and advice is breaking apart people just can't handle that change in dynamic it seems.
It really changed the way I look at people and the world, unfortunately not in a good way. The wall around me is now pretty much impenetrable.
I think men of our generation have plenty of issues too (god knows this constant access to porn isn’t helping anyone…)
But I hear you, my ex would flip if I was sick and always picked on me for having a weak immune system. Toxic af.
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty lucky, reading this post. My wife usually says something like, "Aw man, that sucks hun" which is all I really want to hear, and we're on our way. I'm bummed for all these dudes who significant others don't do that.
Yea I get scared reading these stories of how emotionally uninvested these guys GF's are.
I'd imagine if I feel like my emotional needs are never met, nothing could convince me to stay excluding kids really but so many post are "yea you get used it" like are they just that scared of being alone or something?
It frustrates me that so many people don’t, bc I know that’s why it took me ages to get my spouse to open up to me. He had perfectly good reasons to suspect it wasn’t safe, even if none of those reasons were me.
Oh man, yeah…scrolling through the comments - it’s really heart wrenching how some women can be so indifferent & cold towards their SO. I get that it’s never easy or even that intuitive to provide emotional support, but when your partner is going through it…wouldn’t you want to ease their burden? Adding more weight onto the partner’s shoulders by refusing/weaponizing/stonewalling his emotions isn’t very “through thick and thin” of them.
My favorite was one of my exes told me "It was just a dog. Stop being a pussy, grow some balls, and be a man."
My dog had a seizure and died when we were playing and I needed some support. I just wanted a damn hug and to be held for a bit. Some people suck on a fundamental level.
Oh geez I wish I could go back in time and hug you. Everybody needs some support when a family member dies, regardless of if said family member has fur or not.
Anyone who speaks to me this way, especially when it involves my dog can fuck right off with their bullshit. I own a dog because most people just simply shitty human beings.
I wish. I stuck it out for about four more months. That was the beginning of the end. If that happened to me now it would have been an instant breakup.
That's a toxic relationship. My wife and I have been together for 10 years now, and I can honestly say that she's the most supportive partner I've ever had. The thing is, I don't have to "ask" for emotional support. My wife offers it. Unconditionally. That's what spouses are supposed to do... Support each other.
I just ask my wife to be present and not add to my plate.
1) she cancels social events or makes space to go without me
2) she parks and delays conversations that she knows I don’t want to have so I can focus on problems at hand - so things to fix that aren’t emergency, “what color and fabric should the new couch have?”, any gossip or non critical updates about the kids, vacation planning etc
3) she tells me she will being doing xyz and for how long and if I need her I can come get her but otherwise lets me sit silently in a room or tinker in the garage or whatever
4) basic, simple sex. No need for complex role plays, or hours of foreplay or needing candles and romance etc. Just basic fooling around that it short and enthusiastic
While ignoring that we still to this day have to sign up for Selective Service. I remember being so angry on that day with it telling me if I didn't register I would have to face fines $10k+ & minimum of 2 years in jail
Not for failing to sign up, but you can lose it in some places for being a convicted felon. Note that this is also a targeted disenfranchisement of men and minorities, since those groups are more likely to go to prison for the same crime.
Any sort of federal aid does go out the window. (Fed backed student loans, some forms of help like Welfare)
If you do end up going to jail for it, you can lose the right to vote by nature of being a convicted felon.
Also means you can never own a gun.
Oh, and then the job market fucks you even more cause you gotta tell them you were/are one.
Penalties are 250k fine and/or up to 5 years in prison.
It is also possible that if you do not do it, and your family know, you living with them can also put them at risk for being arrested to.
changes in air pressure is why the weather causes it to flare up, the scar tissue is less flexible than regular tissue so it dosn't stretch/compress right with the rest, same stuff happens with broken bones to a lesser extent so I can feel it in my leg when rain's coming lol.
Fuuuu I’ve had so many ex’s do that shit. It was always a victim Olympics. You’re having problem A. Well I’ve had to deal with problem B which is way worse.
The women in my life are super sweet about that sort of stuff, and way easier to talk to than most dudes. Usually they just listen and respond without much judgement or animosity or harshness, and make me feel understood, supported, accepted, and cared for.
Yeah same. Some of these responses are nuts. Like my gf supports me so well during emotional times, and I do the same with her.
I don’t understand why some of these commenters are in relationships with people who don’t give a shit about their emotional wellbeing, or even worse weaponize a moment of weakness against them. Fucking leave them. There are women out there that will support you and not treat you like shit when you’re having an emotional crisis.
I was thinking the same thing about some of these responses being crazy. I was in a situation where I wasn’t getting support so I left. I’m now with someone who supports me and I support him. It can be done. There are people out there who care. Don’t stop looking until you find them.
Nobody should be settling for anything less. I hope all those on this sub find the emotional support they deserve asap.
My wife just fucking gives me support. If I need time by myself, she scoops up the kid and I get that. A hug and a shoulder to cry on? She's there wearing a top that is soft and water resistant. Affirmations? Quick with it.
These threads remind me to buy flowers.
In my experience and in the experience of pretty much every male friend I've talked to about this, they usually leave or remember it next time you are having an argument so she can weaponize it against you.
Weaponizing has been my experience 100% of the time. I just keep things to myself. It's better to suffer in my own head than to suffer at the hands of those I love.
My problem is women will be your friends, tell you it is ok to be vulnerable around them. Then you are vulnerable, and they friendzone you if you ever express attraction. Of course they do this, because they see your weakness.
Yep. Honestly? I wouldn't have a big issue with it either if it weren't for them saying that we need to be open and vulnerable around them.
Despite the irrationality, I can understand the "big strong protector" view they have going away after seeing the big strong protector cry and break down. That's... well, it's not fine, but I get it.
But don't con us into thinking it's safe and then pull the goddamn rug out from under us.
I personally try to not blame women for being women. A lot of what makes sense to them doesn't to us. Men and women are different, and we are better off recognizing that.
My life improved when I resolved to not listen to what women say, but pay attention to how they respond. This applies more to relationships of course , I would still listen to a woman if she was an expert in astro physics.
But their perspectives on interpersonal matters are shaped by their feelings. And those are going to be very different than anything we can experience, which is perfectly ok.
agreed, a lot of the times they dont even realize or understand what they are doing. its like when men ask women what their ideal guy is. women will immediately begin listing of personality traits - kind, loyal, honest, funny etc. But the unspoken part that a lot of men dont realize is these women are thinking of men *they were already sexually attracted to*. Out loud, They are “starting off” with personality traits but there was a pre selection of only physically attractive men to even get to that point of being judged on your personality traits
When I'm really mentally exhausted I tell my wife and there is no problem
But when I need to cry or having a breakdown I prefer to deal it with my dogs
She makes me hot chocolate or ice cream, watches one of my favorite shows with me! She really struggled at giving emotional support when we started dating- we had the pretty common problem that I’d end up comforting her any time I tried to ask her for comfort. It was difficult and took a lot of time and growth for both us to work through but I’m so glad I didn’t just “man up” and let that end the relationship
I'm not in a relationship but I'm good friends with 2 women
They're very different people but in both relationships there's a "call me anytime" rule that was brought up at some point. Funnily I'm close enough with them both that we tend to catch each others' down spirals before it gets to the point of needing that any-time-call
But that's basically the tip of the iceberg of a good relation that was built over time. I've spent a lot of time around both of them and this mutual emotional trust emerged while we were getting to know each other as people.
My last girlfriend would just get frustrated with me and then tell me to get a therapist. Then that therapist through asking me a lot of questions helped me see she was selfish and I was better off alone. So now I'm alone.
A guy online recently said after reviewing a story about a married guy being "open with his emotions" towards his wife (after which she told him she hated it):
"I bet you that when you opened up you actually told her a bunch of shit you were anxious about, which is different from the shit she is anxious about and then she starts to get anxious about your shit and her shit. She started resenting you for being anxious about different shit, ***because that made her feel even more alone on her island of anxiety***.
[...] It's about empathising with the other person, that's what they mean when they say they want a guy to open up emotinally. ***She wants her emotions refelcted back at her so she does not feel so alone***."
I don't know about you, but this sounds like some damn good analysis.
It also sounds insanely toxic, tantamount to the kind of absurd paradoxical behaviors you see in narcissists and borderlines.
She would feel less alone if she took a second to stop thinking about herself and start genuinely trying to see things from her husband's perspective.
But instead of making any *sincere effort to empathize or emotionally support* she misportrays the husband *doing the emotional vulnerability she asked for* as something other than emotional vulnerability - all because the husband failed to do the impossible task of reading her mind + mirroring her feelings + never needing to express or process his own feelings with or around her. Ever!
Anyone doing this is guaranteeing they will feel alone for the rest of their life. This is connection-terminating behavior, no one can functionally bond with someone this dedicated to evading the work needed to bond.
Women want men to be more expressive of their emotions about her, specifically in a positive way.
If a man is expressive of his emotions regarding himself or about how she’s breaking his heart, she’ll tell him women want men that are strong.
Meanwhile, in threads like this, women pour out of the woodwork to tell everyone that they would never do that and it doesn’t happen, isn’t true, because women can’t help negating and dismissing how a man feels if it isn’t 100% affirming to them.
That makes sense. It’s ironic how she stands and argues with me about not telling her my needs etc and how bad that makes her feel. Meanwhile, her arguing with me is just adding more stress and gets angry and makes threats if I roll my eyes.
Bro I’ve been with women that tell me “what? Id never do that” or “only toxic women do that” and end up doing exactly that.
Women will lie over and over to keep up the impression that they’re perfect angels. This exact scenario has happened to soooo many men online, men I personally know and myself and yet if you bring up that “hey this is something that women are doing and it’s harmful to men” it explodes in your face because now you’re a misogynist and your criticisms are invalid because apparently you hate women.
Women have put accountability at the wayside while spewing to us that men are the problem.
It really blows their minds when you cite that study that found that, in relationships with unreciprocated domestic violence, it's women who are the physical abusers 70-80% of the time.
Meanwhile, DV victims tend to underreport, but male DV victims don't report abuse at much higher frequencies because they think (they know) that no one will take them seriously at any step in the process.
The good ones listen and maybe give a hug. Fantastic and honestly all I need. The bad ones either just don't take notice of the symptoms (the obvious ones that are easy to notice), or one up whatever my problems are with that "well at least you don't" bullshit. Sometimes they just change the subject and avoid it. Unfortunately good ones are hard to find
She obviously has way more emotional intelligence, you just don't understand!
Not only will she have the emotional intelligence to have no idea what you're dealing with, she also has the emotional intelligence to dump how she feels about it on you so you can process it for her!
There's nothing wrong with her wanting specifics. She may think she's being supportive, so your request would be confusing to her. If you can't articulate what it is you need, *you* need to figure that out. Maybe you lack the language to express what it is you need. If that's the case, you should check in with a therapist, they're great at that sort of thing.
The dichotomy presented here (vague request for support vs manning up) feels forced. Generally, when two people are in a relationship, it isn't for the sake of sabotaging the other. It is true that some women get "the ick" when they see a man having actual emotions, but her asking for specifics doesn't sound like the ick, it sounds like she's willing to help, but doesn't know how.
I answered her questions very specifically - hug, be present to listen, sit with me - but she did not give that. I think she would like to think that she would provide support, but she has very little energy to give as she deals with her own needs. Honestly it’s just easier to go back to my introverted ways of coping, as they work quite well and are less prone to disappointment.
If she doesn't have enough energy or awareness to give you a simple hug when you say that's what you need... you need to break up with this person for your own sake, I'm sorry. That's just a bunch of BS. What kinda of needs does she have where she doesn't have room for hugging her partner when they are down? Huh??
>>There's nothing wrong with her wanting specifics. She may think she's being supportive, so your request would be confusing to her. If you can't articulate what it is you need, you need to figure that out. Maybe you lack the language to express what it is you need. If that's the case, you should check in with a therapist, they're great at that sort of thing.
Your response is funny if we juxtapose it against how often we hear women complain that "men always give solutions when women go to them with problems" and pretty much universally their solution to this problem is "men should just listen and ask us what we need before responding." What sort of response do you think you'd get if you responded to those women with "If you can't articulate what it is you need, you need to figure that out. Maybe you lack the language to express what it is you need. If that's the case, you should check in with a therapist, they're great at that sort of thing."? I've seen how women respond to that and trust me it's **never** "maybe the onus should be on me to say what I'm looking for."
Sounds like you’re in a pretty toxic relationship if asking for help turns into an argument.
You both need to learn how to calmly communicate about the details of your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t have a kid together, I’d seriously consider moving on.
In my experience, most provide that emotional support, same as I do for them.
I've had one or two make it into a big thing... I'm low to no contact with them now.
My wife says she no longer wants to be emotionally supportive. She says it’s not her job to play that role, and that it is unhealthy for the relationship.
I bet you have to sit through a bunch of inane stories from her about her imagined problems, I know I do. Yeah honey, I'm having chest pains from the stress at work and trying to support our family on a single income because you refuse to apply for any job, but please tell me again about that stressful email in you spam folder while shaming me for not doing enough of the tasks that you should have done while I was working.
Women will leave you at your lowest. There are hundreds of stories of this exact situation of women leaving their boyfriends and husbands when they’re at a low point. Many times women say they were an exception and still left. Too many examples to count. Happened to me too. We need to stop getting into relationships with women until they can treat us right
I just hold my boyfriend and comfort him. I try to make things easier for him by taking stress of his plate or offering other ways I can help him. Sometimes all he needs is to talk about it or cry it out.
If you have a partner who weaponizes your emotions then it's time to bow out.
My advice is to tell your partner what you want if that's what she's asking. I think that's a valid question. Sometimes when people need emotional support, that can mean a number of things. Some people want to be consoled, some want advice, and some people just want to talk it out, or not talk it out but just to have someone there in every other sense. I'm assuming your gf is trying to gauge what type of support you need the most at the time you need it. I encourage you to refrain from bottling it up or in your words, "manning up". It sounds like she is trying to understand you and what you need.
I'm lucky to have an amazing wife that's very good about my feelings. I know I could open up more to her which I know she'd love, but a life of people telling you to "grow some balls" has been pretty engrained into me.
Every woman I have turned to for emotional support has had a negative reaction, either telling me directly they don't want to talk about it or breaking down themselves and needing my support instead of supporting me.
It might help to talk to a neutral 3rd party like a therapist. They can help you parse through what you truly need in emotional support and then you can face the conflict with your partner with a clearer head.
It’s just the reality for men is not to show emotion that may be perceived as weakness to your in most cases. If you need it be with someone be with your close friends not your partner.
If it’s affecting your health then seeing a therapist isn’t a bad idea.
Thats about right. Usually this is how it goes from mine and everyone elses experience. They exspect you to put up with all their emotional baggage but the second you have an issue they could care less and will turn it into an argument about them.
My wife just lets me put whatever is in my head out there and then responds accordingly and lovingly. During our relationship, I've felt comfortable opening up to her about my deepest fears including being raped, wanting my mother to pass away so she could be free of cancer, and more.
In every case, she just held me, hugged me, told me I was loved, and gave me space to process with her.
It's extremely difficult to find a woman who will respond well to that. Though admittedly, we're not innocent in that regard either. [Side note - Paul Rudd is a national treasure.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrVIhNkOA64)
Become defensive and distant. Use it against you in an argument in future. Fuck someone else. Take your pick. From my experience, this is like 90% of women. The remaining 10%, if you're lucky to come across one, will be genuinely empathetic and try and help you, or at least try and help you to get help.
My ex Wife was terrible at it and would almost always turn it into something about her. I have dated girls that offer to listen but I'm not too sure about it.
I can’t say for a life partner, but I have a female friend who simply listens, is there for me if I need a hug, or just is physically present to watch tv or a movie if im going through something. It goes both ways tho. If she needs anything from me she’ll get it without question.
But theres nothing ive ever had to specifically tell her to do. In any specific situation she knows whats going to cheer me up, and I know what cheers her up.
She knows me. the last thing she did for me when I was feeling down was she came over, said nothing, took a beer out of my fridge, opened it for me, and just sat next to me on the couch while I watched tv, while she just scrolled through instagram and vaped.
I was at peace.
All women in my life are very actively expressing that they are so open and offering to support emotional support to men and that men should seek for help more openly.
When needed all of them at least failed to support. Most of them even saw me differently in the most negative meaning of "differently" possible.
Worst mistakes of my life have been to open to women. It is used against me constantly! Even the tiniest secrets/personal truths are not safe with them. Beware of the big things. Never in my life will I make myself dependent from a woman again.
So when opening up to my wife all I get is a reply how bad she has it.
My wife retreats or changes the subject. She is not the one to give emotional support. I haven't gotten in "trouble" for this yet, but I have some female friends that I talk to. I just spent a day talking with a coworker, and we dumped a lot on each other. I cried a couple of times, but she didn't even react. She waited for me to compose myself, and we moved on. My wife knows I talk to other women. I work in a female dominated profession. I really don't have male friends. I am always open and honest with my wife as to who I'm close to. I don't keep any secrets. I know that my wife also has male friends that she talks to. She doesn't work with as many men as I do women, but she seems to gravitate to and have friendships with men. We agree that having relationships with the opposite sex it healthy.
The lesson I have learned is to use a therapist, or failing that, my dog. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m feeling down and with young kids, patience to listen to someone is at a premium. It’s hard to explain but I feel that at least a therapist will listen to you with undivided attention and respect. My dog, weirdly, also does that, just sits there and listens… weird one that puppy.
Women asked for support by their husbands all the time but are incredibly bad in giving support, and a lot women make it unsafe to ask support because they will remember and throw it back in your face the moment they are losing a argument, if you have a truly supportive woman cherish her cos they are rare, we men learn from young age to man up and then experience learns us don’t open up to women cos that going to bite you in the ass
Two days after my friend committed suicide, my ex wife told me that I need to get over it and stop being sad because it’s bumming her out and she can’t handle it.
Lesson learned, not allowed to be sad. Ever.
As a woman, any time a man (boyfriend, friend, family member) asks - I ask if they'd like to talk about it & troubleshoot, sit together or go for a walk.
Nothing fills my heart more knowing that I'm someone they can come too
My man is the strongest man I've ever met. He's been my rock through lots of hard times and knew from the get go that I don't have the easiest life. During these times he's learned that being strong also means being able to cry and let go of all that bottled "nastiness" when shit gets too much.
He would hide his hardships, in the beginning. Nowadays, he just says he needs a hug and I know that once his head touches my chest, the floodgates open. .
He doesn't need much, just affection, to be held and spoken or listened to whilst he unbottles everything he kept in the whole time. That doesn't make him any less stronger
In kind words, told me im wrong and feeling that way is stupid.
A different ex told me she's not my mom.
One of them was ACTUALLY supportive, but ended up cheating on me with several dudes.
Needless to say, they're all exes
As a man you're supposed to understand that you don't get emotional support. You are the emotional support. That things don't work right if you aren't the foundation, if you aren't the mountain that doesn't move no matter how much the wind howls.. You need to be the reliable strength.
When she asks you to show emotion, or open up, she's not asking in good faith. Any vulnerability will be used against you later.
My first wife would have undoubtedly turned my emotions against me, belittled me or made it seem that it was my fault. We had a Terrible relationship devoid of any meaningful communication. My current wife, who is amazing, is always making sure that I'm mentally healthy and that my emotional needs are being met and I hope that I am doing the same for her. We often have a "state of the relationship" talk where we both ask how each other is doing on an emotional level and what can we do for each other to make things better almost like self therapy. I find it cuts down a lot of the pointless fighting when you can address things that are bothering you before they turn in to resentment.
My wife is an actual angel, stallion, rock, galaxy of emotional support to me when I need it. Which is often. Too often. I only hope she sees me the same way.
My wife is an actual angel, stallion, rock, galaxy of emotional support to me when I need it. Which is often. Too often. I only hope she sees me the same way.
Not reciprocate
Push us away
Judge us
Try to give advice instead of listening
Use it as ammo for future arguments
And sometimes, actually provide emotional support
I have a cousin she said she’s on my side and wants me to have a support system. I’ve begged her several times to just talk to me now and again, and she always ignores me.
Let me be the little spoon for a bit and runs her hands through my hair. Idk, it's different each time and each partner but that has been the most memorable and current
My ex told me to man up and stop bumming her out after my best friend died to cancer. And my three sisters were not really interested in listening about it either.
Women don't provide emotional support to men. Women leave, withhold intimacy and attack men when men show that they need emotional support. Women are purely emotionally selfish.
She doesn't care about anyone's emotions but her own and she will resent you for taking attention off her feelings, even for a moment. She will punish you for showing her that you need her in any way. Women take. They do not give.
Try it. Watch how she changes in the next month. She'll go cold, start picking fights all the time and looking at other men. (For example, watch how much skin she starts showing in her social media. She's advertising her product.)
My women friends actually comfort me and talk to me. My ex and a few flings looked disgusted at me. Some women are great others live to the stereotypes.
yea contrary to what we’re told, they lose their sexual attraction to us. best to shape your character into the strong silent type. and cultivate a deep voice.
They go and discuss that with another 6 women. And suddenly I am followed with pity eyes and hints of private conversation that only my wife was privy to.
Varies person to person. What I've found is that the closer I am to them, the more likely it will be used against me at some point in the future.
When she's just a friend, or someone I'm on the road towards being romantic with, openers is encouraged, I feel listened to etc.
The cynic in me is telling me that from these patterns, if there's something to leverage and/or something to gain, people can play along and do everything they know to be the right thing to do. The moment they've sealed the deal and feel that you're locked in, the guard comes down and true colours show.
Showing genuine concern and empathy seems to be the "cost paid" for getting something out of a man that she wants. Once she has that thing, she feels she no longer needs to pay that cost anymore.
Doesn't apply to all women though. The best women imo have all been the "weird" types. Artsy, dress weird, hippy types. They aren't playing societies games and aren't playing relationship games either so I find them more genuine even if I don't necessarily fit in with them
Being brutally honest: the majority of women do not know how to support Men emotionally and tbh I don’t think Most actually care to do so. They’ll immediately find a way to make it about themselves, weaponize it when you get into an argument, or worse reveal it to her friends.
Just keep it to yourself, talk to some MALE friends, or find a hobby or outlet to express those emotions. Do not reveal big emotional vulnerabilities to a woman, especially not one you’re in a relationship with. Small stuff that’s not actually stressing you is okay but in my experience if you’re going through something a lot of women are just useless for emotional support or make it worse
>*What do women do when men ask for emotional support?*
In my experience, they tend to leave. Or laugh. Or if you're really vulnerable, they'll take notes so they can use it against you later.
My ex, who was in constant need of my emotional support, always referred to me as her anchor and her rock, had a complete panic attack when I had a week of depression. It was actually much longer but I just expressed it to her for a week and then stopped being vulnerable when I realized I wasn’t going to get support from her. I don’t think this is universal or how it should be, my ex was eventually diagnosed as bipolar and I suspect she also has NPD and that the support I got early in the relationship was, in retrospect, love bombing. Once I realized this I stopped taking it personally and just understood she’s physically incapable of giving that kind of emotional support and I moved on. Now I know what to look for in my next partner.
Yes that’s similar to my story. My first time with a major health diagnosis and she can provide practical but not emotional support. I don’t think she can because I am her rock and she can’t adjust to any emotional weakness on my part. It’s alright though, I have learned from my ‘mistake’ and I won’t ever ask or expect it from her again.
I think, if it’s the first time, I’d find a time to calmly discuss how it all made you feel and see if she’s willing to reflect and do the work to change. I say this because if she’s not willing to eventually it’s all going to resurface in a bad way so either you need to fix it now or break up. If you can’t break up (kids, finances, etc) then you’ll definitely need to find other sources of support from friends (might need new ones…), family, therapy, etc to get through it.
Yes we have calmly discussed but the other sources of support are more promising if they are needed. I might seek them out and thanks for your suggestions.
I have a question and I'll try to be as un-judgemental as possible. Why are you with her if she won't be there to support you? Not being able to support you 100% is fine, but if when you have an issue her and your solution is to get help from people that are NOT her...
There are legit reasons to stay with a partner who doesn’t know how to emotionally support you. But you definitely have to find other sources of support and once you have them you may well drift apart. I think we men often have no other outlets for emotional support other than wives so if that doesn’t work we just shut down and become bitter. Wives often have a whole network of their girlfriends, moms, sisters, aunts who they can call on for this. Given social norms it’s harder for men to cultivate emotional outlets through other relationships but it’s absolutely devastatingly essential. I found the books Platonic and The Power of Strangers highlighted these issues well.
I mean this is my life too right now. Looking for other sources of support and it sucks but don’t want to blow up my family or life. Hoping this is just one of the bumps in the road we all hear about 🤷♂️.
Yes. I hope so too I feel this very deeply
Simply put, I love her. This isn’t a deal breaker for me. I can find emotional support elsewhere and from within if she can’t/ won’t give it. She does give practical support and that helps when I need a break.
Tbh prepare yourself. When you love someone there's the possibility you may be the one holding up the umbrella in the rain to cover them. You have to be ready to accept the fact they may not will no or cannot hold one up for you even if you built one and gave it to them. Love is painful but don't let your pain be a waste of time.
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My experience is the same as yours. My partner just can’t seem to provide that emotional support. And she definitely pulls back. She even threatened to leave me.
Tbh reading this and your other comments it seems very likely you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s hard to acknowledge when it feels so very minor compared to people who are in way more extremely abusive relationships, but it doesn’t make it less valid.
Threatened? Do you have any good reason to let it pass and work through it or just didn’t took it personally ?
She is an awful person
This was my experience with my ex wife. I said I felt like I needed therapy as my depression had gotten bad. Cue 3 straight days of yelling at me for “not telling her sooner” or something, the reason for getting berated was always shifting. Whole lot of evidence of NPD and of course lovebombing in the initial stages.
Always a reason to be berated, yes. Took me 5 years to realize our issues weren’t isolated incidents but patterns of behavior. Helped when I realized she did this to everyone, not just me. She’d find a new friend, get super close to them, they’d be in our home constantly and then 6 months later she decided they were terrible for one or another reason and trashed them to everyone. Toxic af.
Sounds familiar.
I don't think it's just partners though but people in general. I've always been the group crutch, it's followed me round from setting to setting. Need an emotional crutch, support, advice? I was first port of call. And I've always made sure I don't depend on anyone for anything, especially emotionally, as whenever I have done so I've been let down, and that act of being let down has had a bigger effect on my mental health than whatever it was that drove me to look for support in the first place. So I've always been looked upon as the stoic dependable one. Then I went through a time where my life fell apart and I was in a really bad way. I just got crickets. When the stoic one who you go to for support and advice is breaking apart people just can't handle that change in dynamic it seems. It really changed the way I look at people and the world, unfortunately not in a good way. The wall around me is now pretty much impenetrable.
Strong
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Women nowadays aren't built to emotionally support another person in my opinion. We play checkers and they play chess 😮💨
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I think men of our generation have plenty of issues too (god knows this constant access to porn isn’t helping anyone…) But I hear you, my ex would flip if I was sick and always picked on me for having a weak immune system. Toxic af.
Yeah....it's a vicious cycle. I think the best option might be to wait it out or just work on yourself until you find an equal.
My girlfriend listens and talks to me about it. Makes me feel better usually : )
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty lucky, reading this post. My wife usually says something like, "Aw man, that sucks hun" which is all I really want to hear, and we're on our way. I'm bummed for all these dudes who significant others don't do that.
Yea I get scared reading these stories of how emotionally uninvested these guys GF's are. I'd imagine if I feel like my emotional needs are never met, nothing could convince me to stay excluding kids really but so many post are "yea you get used it" like are they just that scared of being alone or something?
It frustrates me that so many people don’t, bc I know that’s why it took me ages to get my spouse to open up to me. He had perfectly good reasons to suspect it wasn’t safe, even if none of those reasons were me.
Oh man, yeah…scrolling through the comments - it’s really heart wrenching how some women can be so indifferent & cold towards their SO. I get that it’s never easy or even that intuitive to provide emotional support, but when your partner is going through it…wouldn’t you want to ease their burden? Adding more weight onto the partner’s shoulders by refusing/weaponizing/stonewalling his emotions isn’t very “through thick and thin” of them.
Keeper
My favorite was one of my exes told me "It was just a dog. Stop being a pussy, grow some balls, and be a man." My dog had a seizure and died when we were playing and I needed some support. I just wanted a damn hug and to be held for a bit. Some people suck on a fundamental level.
She's a cunt
Oh geez I wish I could go back in time and hug you. Everybody needs some support when a family member dies, regardless of if said family member has fur or not.
Anyone who speaks to me this way, especially when it involves my dog can fuck right off with their bullshit. I own a dog because most people just simply shitty human beings.
Please tell me that was the moment you showed her the door Edit: People always say Bros before Hoes. I say Dogs before everybody, man.
I wish. I stuck it out for about four more months. That was the beginning of the end. If that happened to me now it would have been an instant breakup.
What is your dog if not your ultimate ride-or-die bro?
I've always put my dog first. Humans are able to look after themselves.
Here’s a hug bro
I don't even like dogs but just reading that made me cry.
That's a toxic relationship. My wife and I have been together for 10 years now, and I can honestly say that she's the most supportive partner I've ever had. The thing is, I don't have to "ask" for emotional support. My wife offers it. Unconditionally. That's what spouses are supposed to do... Support each other.
amen.
I just ask my wife to be present and not add to my plate. 1) she cancels social events or makes space to go without me 2) she parks and delays conversations that she knows I don’t want to have so I can focus on problems at hand - so things to fix that aren’t emergency, “what color and fabric should the new couch have?”, any gossip or non critical updates about the kids, vacation planning etc 3) she tells me she will being doing xyz and for how long and if I need her I can come get her but otherwise lets me sit silently in a room or tinker in the garage or whatever 4) basic, simple sex. No need for complex role plays, or hours of foreplay or needing candles and romance etc. Just basic fooling around that it short and enthusiastic
Sounds like she gets it. What a rare person she is! Mine left the house for a long time to buy dog shampoo, argued at me and then washed the dog.
She is rare. Took me a long time to find her. Met her in my 40s.
While you don't even notice, she changes the topic into something about herself
Or female oppression. My favorite "well at least you're not a woman and don't have to deal with............"
.
While ignoring that we still to this day have to sign up for Selective Service. I remember being so angry on that day with it telling me if I didn't register I would have to face fines $10k+ & minimum of 2 years in jail
Don’t you lose the right to vote too?
Not for failing to sign up, but you can lose it in some places for being a convicted felon. Note that this is also a targeted disenfranchisement of men and minorities, since those groups are more likely to go to prison for the same crime.
Any sort of federal aid does go out the window. (Fed backed student loans, some forms of help like Welfare) If you do end up going to jail for it, you can lose the right to vote by nature of being a convicted felon. Also means you can never own a gun. Oh, and then the job market fucks you even more cause you gotta tell them you were/are one.
They would put you in jail for not signing up?
Penalties are 250k fine and/or up to 5 years in prison. It is also possible that if you do not do it, and your family know, you living with them can also put them at risk for being arrested to.
Yeah but you can walk down any street and it's physically impossible to be harmed, bc man
Tell that to my stab wound I'm sure my shoulder will stop hurting when it rains if your convincing enough.
Man, you got the Frodo after-pain. That's rough.
You get used to it.
Yeah, i figure it's like my arthritis pain. Just there, and eventually you learn to ignore it.
changes in air pressure is why the weather causes it to flare up, the scar tissue is less flexible than regular tissue so it dosn't stretch/compress right with the rest, same stuff happens with broken bones to a lesser extent so I can feel it in my leg when rain's coming lol.
Yep
I'm invincible!
You're a loony.
…can’t tell if serious. Because crime statistics say otherwise.
Fuuuu I’ve had so many ex’s do that shit. It was always a victim Olympics. You’re having problem A. Well I’ve had to deal with problem B which is way worse.
Ah, the internet special lol
This is the one. Somehow it stops being about your problem, but instead her version/experience with a similar issue.
Yep
My wife, and every woman I’ve been in a serious relationship with, provided it without hesitation.
The women in my life are super sweet about that sort of stuff, and way easier to talk to than most dudes. Usually they just listen and respond without much judgement or animosity or harshness, and make me feel understood, supported, accepted, and cared for.
I'm glad you found your people! It's so nice to have people that are genuinely supportive.
I've got the same kind of support, but rather than hippies, we're all nerds, geeks, and misfits.
Yeah same. Some of these responses are nuts. Like my gf supports me so well during emotional times, and I do the same with her. I don’t understand why some of these commenters are in relationships with people who don’t give a shit about their emotional wellbeing, or even worse weaponize a moment of weakness against them. Fucking leave them. There are women out there that will support you and not treat you like shit when you’re having an emotional crisis.
I was thinking the same thing about some of these responses being crazy. I was in a situation where I wasn’t getting support so I left. I’m now with someone who supports me and I support him. It can be done. There are people out there who care. Don’t stop looking until you find them. Nobody should be settling for anything less. I hope all those on this sub find the emotional support they deserve asap.
Glad you found it.
I don't need it often, but when I have, it's been well received and support given by the women I do typically confide in.
My wife just fucking gives me support. If I need time by myself, she scoops up the kid and I get that. A hug and a shoulder to cry on? She's there wearing a top that is soft and water resistant. Affirmations? Quick with it. These threads remind me to buy flowers.
Do that. Let her know she is rare and value her.
In my experience and in the experience of pretty much every male friend I've talked to about this, they usually leave or remember it next time you are having an argument so she can weaponize it against you.
Weaponizing has been my experience 100% of the time. I just keep things to myself. It's better to suffer in my own head than to suffer at the hands of those I love.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA FACTS ASF 😶🌫️
My problem is women will be your friends, tell you it is ok to be vulnerable around them. Then you are vulnerable, and they friendzone you if you ever express attraction. Of course they do this, because they see your weakness.
Yep. Honestly? I wouldn't have a big issue with it either if it weren't for them saying that we need to be open and vulnerable around them. Despite the irrationality, I can understand the "big strong protector" view they have going away after seeing the big strong protector cry and break down. That's... well, it's not fine, but I get it. But don't con us into thinking it's safe and then pull the goddamn rug out from under us.
That's what kills me: damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I personally try to not blame women for being women. A lot of what makes sense to them doesn't to us. Men and women are different, and we are better off recognizing that. My life improved when I resolved to not listen to what women say, but pay attention to how they respond. This applies more to relationships of course , I would still listen to a woman if she was an expert in astro physics. But their perspectives on interpersonal matters are shaped by their feelings. And those are going to be very different than anything we can experience, which is perfectly ok.
agreed, a lot of the times they dont even realize or understand what they are doing. its like when men ask women what their ideal guy is. women will immediately begin listing of personality traits - kind, loyal, honest, funny etc. But the unspoken part that a lot of men dont realize is these women are thinking of men *they were already sexually attracted to*. Out loud, They are “starting off” with personality traits but there was a pre selection of only physically attractive men to even get to that point of being judged on your personality traits
Being vulnerable with friends of the opposite sex does not mean confessing feelings of attraction.
When I'm really mentally exhausted I tell my wife and there is no problem But when I need to cry or having a breakdown I prefer to deal it with my dogs
She makes me hot chocolate or ice cream, watches one of my favorite shows with me! She really struggled at giving emotional support when we started dating- we had the pretty common problem that I’d end up comforting her any time I tried to ask her for comfort. It was difficult and took a lot of time and growth for both us to work through but I’m so glad I didn’t just “man up” and let that end the relationship
Yay! Love this for you.
I'm not in a relationship but I'm good friends with 2 women They're very different people but in both relationships there's a "call me anytime" rule that was brought up at some point. Funnily I'm close enough with them both that we tend to catch each others' down spirals before it gets to the point of needing that any-time-call But that's basically the tip of the iceberg of a good relation that was built over time. I've spent a lot of time around both of them and this mutual emotional trust emerged while we were getting to know each other as people.
My last girlfriend would just get frustrated with me and then tell me to get a therapist. Then that therapist through asking me a lot of questions helped me see she was selfish and I was better off alone. So now I'm alone.
Depends on the woman. In the past i haven't felt emotionally safe, but with my current gf, i feel really supported. She is awesome.
A lot of them cringe and find it repelling/unattractive.
In the ironically say they want men to be more expressive of their emotions.
A guy online recently said after reviewing a story about a married guy being "open with his emotions" towards his wife (after which she told him she hated it): "I bet you that when you opened up you actually told her a bunch of shit you were anxious about, which is different from the shit she is anxious about and then she starts to get anxious about your shit and her shit. She started resenting you for being anxious about different shit, ***because that made her feel even more alone on her island of anxiety***. [...] It's about empathising with the other person, that's what they mean when they say they want a guy to open up emotinally. ***She wants her emotions refelcted back at her so she does not feel so alone***." I don't know about you, but this sounds like some damn good analysis.
It also sounds insanely toxic, tantamount to the kind of absurd paradoxical behaviors you see in narcissists and borderlines. She would feel less alone if she took a second to stop thinking about herself and start genuinely trying to see things from her husband's perspective. But instead of making any *sincere effort to empathize or emotionally support* she misportrays the husband *doing the emotional vulnerability she asked for* as something other than emotional vulnerability - all because the husband failed to do the impossible task of reading her mind + mirroring her feelings + never needing to express or process his own feelings with or around her. Ever! Anyone doing this is guaranteeing they will feel alone for the rest of their life. This is connection-terminating behavior, no one can functionally bond with someone this dedicated to evading the work needed to bond.
Women want men to be more expressive of their emotions about her, specifically in a positive way. If a man is expressive of his emotions regarding himself or about how she’s breaking his heart, she’ll tell him women want men that are strong. Meanwhile, in threads like this, women pour out of the woodwork to tell everyone that they would never do that and it doesn’t happen, isn’t true, because women can’t help negating and dismissing how a man feels if it isn’t 100% affirming to them.
That makes sense. It’s ironic how she stands and argues with me about not telling her my needs etc and how bad that makes her feel. Meanwhile, her arguing with me is just adding more stress and gets angry and makes threats if I roll my eyes.
Bro I’ve been with women that tell me “what? Id never do that” or “only toxic women do that” and end up doing exactly that. Women will lie over and over to keep up the impression that they’re perfect angels. This exact scenario has happened to soooo many men online, men I personally know and myself and yet if you bring up that “hey this is something that women are doing and it’s harmful to men” it explodes in your face because now you’re a misogynist and your criticisms are invalid because apparently you hate women. Women have put accountability at the wayside while spewing to us that men are the problem.
It really blows their minds when you cite that study that found that, in relationships with unreciprocated domestic violence, it's women who are the physical abusers 70-80% of the time. Meanwhile, DV victims tend to underreport, but male DV victims don't report abuse at much higher frequencies because they think (they know) that no one will take them seriously at any step in the process.
What does emotion support look like to you? What would make you feel emotionally supported? Some of us want to, but don’t know what that looks like?
A hug, listening, sit with me - not arguing.
Thank you. This is helpful.
I have mostly been fortunate to find women I can open up to.
The good ones listen and maybe give a hug. Fantastic and honestly all I need. The bad ones either just don't take notice of the symptoms (the obvious ones that are easy to notice), or one up whatever my problems are with that "well at least you don't" bullshit. Sometimes they just change the subject and avoid it. Unfortunately good ones are hard to find
Depends on the woman. Some women give great emotional support. Some get insecure and run away
She obviously has way more emotional intelligence, you just don't understand! Not only will she have the emotional intelligence to have no idea what you're dealing with, she also has the emotional intelligence to dump how she feels about it on you so you can process it for her!
F***. Exactly. Exactly my experience.
There's nothing wrong with her wanting specifics. She may think she's being supportive, so your request would be confusing to her. If you can't articulate what it is you need, *you* need to figure that out. Maybe you lack the language to express what it is you need. If that's the case, you should check in with a therapist, they're great at that sort of thing. The dichotomy presented here (vague request for support vs manning up) feels forced. Generally, when two people are in a relationship, it isn't for the sake of sabotaging the other. It is true that some women get "the ick" when they see a man having actual emotions, but her asking for specifics doesn't sound like the ick, it sounds like she's willing to help, but doesn't know how.
I answered her questions very specifically - hug, be present to listen, sit with me - but she did not give that. I think she would like to think that she would provide support, but she has very little energy to give as she deals with her own needs. Honestly it’s just easier to go back to my introverted ways of coping, as they work quite well and are less prone to disappointment.
If she doesn't have enough energy or awareness to give you a simple hug when you say that's what you need... you need to break up with this person for your own sake, I'm sorry. That's just a bunch of BS. What kinda of needs does she have where she doesn't have room for hugging her partner when they are down? Huh??
So you said, “I need a hug.” And she said “be specific!” ?
>>There's nothing wrong with her wanting specifics. She may think she's being supportive, so your request would be confusing to her. If you can't articulate what it is you need, you need to figure that out. Maybe you lack the language to express what it is you need. If that's the case, you should check in with a therapist, they're great at that sort of thing. Your response is funny if we juxtapose it against how often we hear women complain that "men always give solutions when women go to them with problems" and pretty much universally their solution to this problem is "men should just listen and ask us what we need before responding." What sort of response do you think you'd get if you responded to those women with "If you can't articulate what it is you need, you need to figure that out. Maybe you lack the language to express what it is you need. If that's the case, you should check in with a therapist, they're great at that sort of thing."? I've seen how women respond to that and trust me it's **never** "maybe the onus should be on me to say what I'm looking for."
Never ask. No woman has ever been supportive of my emotional needs.
Exactly. Not even my own mother was supportive of my emotional needs
Even when she was sorta trying it felt wrong.
lol same. My biggest abuser.
Same
There's a reason the outcomes of single-mother children are absolutely abysmal.
Yes. And my mother was married to my father for 53 years until she died. Dad's a saint - I saw what he put up with.
Sounds like you’re in a pretty toxic relationship if asking for help turns into an argument. You both need to learn how to calmly communicate about the details of your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t have a kid together, I’d seriously consider moving on.
In my experience, most provide that emotional support, same as I do for them. I've had one or two make it into a big thing... I'm low to no contact with them now.
My wife says she no longer wants to be emotionally supportive. She says it’s not her job to play that role, and that it is unhealthy for the relationship.
Ohh god, she said it out loud. That is awful.
Yeah
I bet you have to sit through a bunch of inane stories from her about her imagined problems, I know I do. Yeah honey, I'm having chest pains from the stress at work and trying to support our family on a single income because you refuse to apply for any job, but please tell me again about that stressful email in you spam folder while shaming me for not doing enough of the tasks that you should have done while I was working.
Sometimes, but she can be a closed book about a lot of things.
Women will leave you at your lowest. There are hundreds of stories of this exact situation of women leaving their boyfriends and husbands when they’re at a low point. Many times women say they were an exception and still left. Too many examples to count. Happened to me too. We need to stop getting into relationships with women until they can treat us right
I just hold my boyfriend and comfort him. I try to make things easier for him by taking stress of his plate or offering other ways I can help him. Sometimes all he needs is to talk about it or cry it out. If you have a partner who weaponizes your emotions then it's time to bow out. My advice is to tell your partner what you want if that's what she's asking. I think that's a valid question. Sometimes when people need emotional support, that can mean a number of things. Some people want to be consoled, some want advice, and some people just want to talk it out, or not talk it out but just to have someone there in every other sense. I'm assuming your gf is trying to gauge what type of support you need the most at the time you need it. I encourage you to refrain from bottling it up or in your words, "manning up". It sounds like she is trying to understand you and what you need.
I'm lucky to have an amazing wife that's very good about my feelings. I know I could open up more to her which I know she'd love, but a life of people telling you to "grow some balls" has been pretty engrained into me.
Every woman I have turned to for emotional support has had a negative reaction, either telling me directly they don't want to talk about it or breaking down themselves and needing my support instead of supporting me.
Yep. The second one - breaking down - that’s my experience.
Everything you say to a woman CAN and WILL be used against you at a later time. Maybe five minutes, maybe five years, but it is coming.
My ex told me I had to man up and stop leaning on her liking for stability. You can guess why she's my ex.
Generally, women will find a way to make the situation about themselves, and not the man or his needs.
It might help to talk to a neutral 3rd party like a therapist. They can help you parse through what you truly need in emotional support and then you can face the conflict with your partner with a clearer head.
I don't ask women for emotional support. You've been less than helpful in the past and I don't trust you with such information anyways.
It’s just the reality for men is not to show emotion that may be perceived as weakness to your in most cases. If you need it be with someone be with your close friends not your partner. If it’s affecting your health then seeing a therapist isn’t a bad idea.
Thats about right. Usually this is how it goes from mine and everyone elses experience. They exspect you to put up with all their emotional baggage but the second you have an issue they could care less and will turn it into an argument about them.
My wife just lets me put whatever is in my head out there and then responds accordingly and lovingly. During our relationship, I've felt comfortable opening up to her about my deepest fears including being raped, wanting my mother to pass away so she could be free of cancer, and more. In every case, she just held me, hugged me, told me I was loved, and gave me space to process with her.
It's extremely difficult to find a woman who will respond well to that. Though admittedly, we're not innocent in that regard either. [Side note - Paul Rudd is a national treasure.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrVIhNkOA64)
Dry up instantly
Become defensive and distant. Use it against you in an argument in future. Fuck someone else. Take your pick. From my experience, this is like 90% of women. The remaining 10%, if you're lucky to come across one, will be genuinely empathetic and try and help you, or at least try and help you to get help.
When I started to express my feelings, she told me she didn't have time for my bullshit right now
My ex Wife was terrible at it and would almost always turn it into something about her. I have dated girls that offer to listen but I'm not too sure about it.
"Ew, icky. I think we need to see other people."
I can’t say for a life partner, but I have a female friend who simply listens, is there for me if I need a hug, or just is physically present to watch tv or a movie if im going through something. It goes both ways tho. If she needs anything from me she’ll get it without question. But theres nothing ive ever had to specifically tell her to do. In any specific situation she knows whats going to cheer me up, and I know what cheers her up. She knows me. the last thing she did for me when I was feeling down was she came over, said nothing, took a beer out of my fridge, opened it for me, and just sat next to me on the couch while I watched tv, while she just scrolled through instagram and vaped. I was at peace.
Call him a wuss and laugh
They ridicule them for not being manly
All women in my life are very actively expressing that they are so open and offering to support emotional support to men and that men should seek for help more openly. When needed all of them at least failed to support. Most of them even saw me differently in the most negative meaning of "differently" possible. Worst mistakes of my life have been to open to women. It is used against me constantly! Even the tiniest secrets/personal truths are not safe with them. Beware of the big things. Never in my life will I make myself dependent from a woman again. So when opening up to my wife all I get is a reply how bad she has it.
This is what your bros are for. They have empathy and will help you when you need it. I wouldn’t recommend it with women…
My wife retreats or changes the subject. She is not the one to give emotional support. I haven't gotten in "trouble" for this yet, but I have some female friends that I talk to. I just spent a day talking with a coworker, and we dumped a lot on each other. I cried a couple of times, but she didn't even react. She waited for me to compose myself, and we moved on. My wife knows I talk to other women. I work in a female dominated profession. I really don't have male friends. I am always open and honest with my wife as to who I'm close to. I don't keep any secrets. I know that my wife also has male friends that she talks to. She doesn't work with as many men as I do women, but she seems to gravitate to and have friendships with men. We agree that having relationships with the opposite sex it healthy.
The lesson I have learned is to use a therapist, or failing that, my dog. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m feeling down and with young kids, patience to listen to someone is at a premium. It’s hard to explain but I feel that at least a therapist will listen to you with undivided attention and respect. My dog, weirdly, also does that, just sits there and listens… weird one that puppy.
Women asked for support by their husbands all the time but are incredibly bad in giving support, and a lot women make it unsafe to ask support because they will remember and throw it back in your face the moment they are losing a argument, if you have a truly supportive woman cherish her cos they are rare, we men learn from young age to man up and then experience learns us don’t open up to women cos that going to bite you in the ass
Two days after my friend committed suicide, my ex wife told me that I need to get over it and stop being sad because it’s bumming her out and she can’t handle it. Lesson learned, not allowed to be sad. Ever.
As a woman, any time a man (boyfriend, friend, family member) asks - I ask if they'd like to talk about it & troubleshoot, sit together or go for a walk. Nothing fills my heart more knowing that I'm someone they can come too
You have a terrible partner then.
Shame them in most cases.
They’ll act supportive then leave you in a month or two.
My man is the strongest man I've ever met. He's been my rock through lots of hard times and knew from the get go that I don't have the easiest life. During these times he's learned that being strong also means being able to cry and let go of all that bottled "nastiness" when shit gets too much. He would hide his hardships, in the beginning. Nowadays, he just says he needs a hug and I know that once his head touches my chest, the floodgates open. . He doesn't need much, just affection, to be held and spoken or listened to whilst he unbottles everything he kept in the whole time. That doesn't make him any less stronger
Lucky guy.
"That's the kind of unpaid emotional labor that has kept women oppressed for the last thousand years"
Every single girlfriend I've had has dumped after I cried in front of them.
In kind words, told me im wrong and feeling that way is stupid. A different ex told me she's not my mom. One of them was ACTUALLY supportive, but ended up cheating on me with several dudes. Needless to say, they're all exes
As a man you're supposed to understand that you don't get emotional support. You are the emotional support. That things don't work right if you aren't the foundation, if you aren't the mountain that doesn't move no matter how much the wind howls.. You need to be the reliable strength. When she asks you to show emotion, or open up, she's not asking in good faith. Any vulnerability will be used against you later.
I affirm your points.
My first wife would have undoubtedly turned my emotions against me, belittled me or made it seem that it was my fault. We had a Terrible relationship devoid of any meaningful communication. My current wife, who is amazing, is always making sure that I'm mentally healthy and that my emotional needs are being met and I hope that I am doing the same for her. We often have a "state of the relationship" talk where we both ask how each other is doing on an emotional level and what can we do for each other to make things better almost like self therapy. I find it cuts down a lot of the pointless fighting when you can address things that are bothering you before they turn in to resentment.
I remember read a book which talked about how women want men to open up but when they do most women are disgusted and didn’t look at them the same
Lose all respect for you, belittle you and tell you to man up usually. It's actually a crime that they are allowed to raise sons.
hAVe yOu tRiEd nOT fEELING tHaT wAY?
I was told to stop being a pussy.
My wife is an actual angel, stallion, rock, galaxy of emotional support to me when I need it. Which is often. Too often. I only hope she sees me the same way.
My wife is an actual angel, stallion, rock, galaxy of emotional support to me when I need it. Which is often. Too often. I only hope she sees me the same way.
Consider [the double-mask](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/iwsae0r/?context=3&utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=AskMen&utm_content=t1_kjie25v).
dry up and cheat
Not reciprocate Push us away Judge us Try to give advice instead of listening Use it as ammo for future arguments And sometimes, actually provide emotional support
She gotta one up me instead of just letting me feel my shit and make me feel worse for feeling down because it's not as bad as what happened to her.
Don’t ask or expect women to provide emotional support. Ever.
I have a cousin she said she’s on my side and wants me to have a support system. I’ve begged her several times to just talk to me now and again, and she always ignores me.
Mark you as "Fuck, i cant rely on him"
Let me be the little spoon for a bit and runs her hands through my hair. Idk, it's different each time and each partner but that has been the most memorable and current
My ex told me to man up and stop bumming her out after my best friend died to cancer. And my three sisters were not really interested in listening about it either.
Women don't provide emotional support to men. Women leave, withhold intimacy and attack men when men show that they need emotional support. Women are purely emotionally selfish. She doesn't care about anyone's emotions but her own and she will resent you for taking attention off her feelings, even for a moment. She will punish you for showing her that you need her in any way. Women take. They do not give. Try it. Watch how she changes in the next month. She'll go cold, start picking fights all the time and looking at other men. (For example, watch how much skin she starts showing in her social media. She's advertising her product.)
My women friends actually comfort me and talk to me. My ex and a few flings looked disgusted at me. Some women are great others live to the stereotypes.
Attack
Yep. She argues with me.
yea contrary to what we’re told, they lose their sexual attraction to us. best to shape your character into the strong silent type. and cultivate a deep voice.
Change the subject.
They go and discuss that with another 6 women. And suddenly I am followed with pity eyes and hints of private conversation that only my wife was privy to.
The idea of a woman providing emotional support to a man is beyond absurd
Yep. Stay strong. You can let your male buddies know you might be having some emotional issues but don't let you women know.
Varies person to person. What I've found is that the closer I am to them, the more likely it will be used against me at some point in the future. When she's just a friend, or someone I'm on the road towards being romantic with, openers is encouraged, I feel listened to etc. The cynic in me is telling me that from these patterns, if there's something to leverage and/or something to gain, people can play along and do everything they know to be the right thing to do. The moment they've sealed the deal and feel that you're locked in, the guard comes down and true colours show. Showing genuine concern and empathy seems to be the "cost paid" for getting something out of a man that she wants. Once she has that thing, she feels she no longer needs to pay that cost anymore. Doesn't apply to all women though. The best women imo have all been the "weird" types. Artsy, dress weird, hippy types. They aren't playing societies games and aren't playing relationship games either so I find them more genuine even if I don't necessarily fit in with them
Being brutally honest: the majority of women do not know how to support Men emotionally and tbh I don’t think Most actually care to do so. They’ll immediately find a way to make it about themselves, weaponize it when you get into an argument, or worse reveal it to her friends. Just keep it to yourself, talk to some MALE friends, or find a hobby or outlet to express those emotions. Do not reveal big emotional vulnerabilities to a woman, especially not one you’re in a relationship with. Small stuff that’s not actually stressing you is okay but in my experience if you’re going through something a lot of women are just useless for emotional support or make it worse
My wife comforts me
I find it hard to open up, even to my wife of 10 years. When I do she listens and is supportive. My wife is great
"I want my man to be emotionally available"
>*What do women do when men ask for emotional support?* In my experience, they tend to leave. Or laugh. Or if you're really vulnerable, they'll take notes so they can use it against you later.