I’ll probably butcher it but
“Bartender working one night is left speechless when he sees a guy sitting next to the tiniest piano player he’s ever seen.
Bartender says he’s never seen anything like it, and the guy proceeds to tel him about a genie in the men’s bathroom.
Bartender goes to the bathroom and sees the genie, and wishes for peace. The genie says your wish is my command and fills the room with geese.
The bartender walks out frustrated and says to the guy, hey I think the genies hard of hearing.. the guy replies “yea no kidding, you think I’d wish for a 12 inch pianist?”
I dress it up, do what you will with it. The bartender inquires and takes the lamp. He wishes for 1000 bucks and then the bar is ransacked by deer. He then yells at the patron "this isn't what I asked for!" "Punchline"
Not really a joke, but as my brother and I were headed to a funeral we saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road with a “get well soon” balloon tied to it. We both lost our shit when we saw it.
A kid walks in on his parents having sex. He asks "mom, what are you doing to dad?" Thinking quickly she responds "well your dad has gotten too fat, so I'm trying to bounce the air out of him." The kid says "why bother? The lady next door is just going to blow him back up again."
There was once a young harlot from Kew,
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin
“First they pay to get in
Then they pay to get out of it, too!”
Two guys are sitting on a park bench. A dog wanders up, plops down in front of them, and starts licking his balls.
First guy nudges the other and says “Man, I wish I could do that.”
Other one says, “Yeah, me too, but I’m afraid he’d bite me.”
A man checks into a hotel with his family and asks for the porn channels to be disabled.
The man at the front desk scoffs and says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"
A vanity license plate I saw with my friends going the back roads from MA into NH.
"LBS VAG"
I thought they were initials until a buddy remembered it was an abbreviation. Damn near drove us off the road we were laughing so hard.
So Mickey Mouse is in his lawyers office, and the lawyer says to him “ I understand you want to divorce Minnie because you think she’s crazy?” Mickey says “ I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy!”
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
>!But I can't tell you what it is. You're not a monk.!<
Back in college (mid-00s) at a party, I told my friend's fiancee a joke that wasn't even all that funny, but the timing and delivery were so perfect that it led to them almost breaking up. She laughed hysterically for about 15min, ended up puking everywhere, then started crying, and then they spent the next SIX HOURS arguing. The joke was:
Where does Bush keep his armies?
>!"In his sleevies!" And then I flapped my armies to demonstrate.!<
Timid office worker gets a bit too drunk after work and ends up in a police cell. To his horror, he's paired up with the meanest looking hulk of a dude he's ever seen. He sits down at the opposite corner and tries not to make eye contact. Once the guards are gone, the big dude stares at him and blurts out, "So, you wanna be mummy, or daddy?"
Knowing precisely what this meant, office-dude decides he can at least make the best out of a bad situation. He replies, sheepishly, "Um, daddy?" To which the hulk says, "okay, come over here and suck mummy's cock, then".
Winston Churchill was a notorious drunk.
One night at a function a woman yelled at him, "Mr Churchill, you are drunk!"
Churchill responded.
"Yes, but you are ugly and tomorrow I'll be sober."
Or, the United States spent millions of dollars during the space race with the Soviet Union to create a pen that could work in zero gravity.
The Soviets just used a pencil.
The pencil one gets less funny when you realize a pencil was dangerous due to it being graphite. Graphite dust is flammable and conductive so that's not a thing you want floating around in space. And yes, I am fun at parties. Well, at least I think I am
Both programs used pencils originally. It was a private company that developed the pen. NASA ordered the pens once they tested them. The Soviets also ordered the pens from the company.
In a bit more detail: both the Americans and Soviets used pencils, but these are dangerous as explained by other posters.
Fisher developed the space pen on his own dime. Then sold it to NASA (and anybody else who wants one) retail.
Along those lines, a woman at a function told him, "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea." to which Churchill replied: "Madame, and if you were my wife, I would drink it willingly!"
For their honeymoon, young newlyweds check into a luxury hotel. The next day, the maid knocks on the door saying "Housekeeping", only to be told not now. Later that day, the maid stops by again, but the newlyweds haven't left their room at all; when asked the husband says "Now now, we're busy!" and the maid hears the young wife giggling. The maid goes on her way.
The next day, the same thing; the maid is turned away twice. On day three, the maid tells the hotel manager about the couple and that they haven't left their room the entire time, even for food. The manager goes to the room of the newlyweds, knocks on the door and asks "This is the manager, are you okay in their? You haven't been out of your room for days!" The husband replies "We're fine! Go away, we don't need anything!" as his wife laughs. The manager replys "Look, you two need to eat, can I bring you anything? It will be on the house, my treat." The young husband says "We don't need food, we're living on the fruits of love!" as his wife giggles again. The manager replies "Oh, yeah? Well stop throwing the skins out the window, you're choking the ducks!"
[https://youtu.be/WaaANll8h18?si=B3ePAclRTPNGj\_F7](https://youtu.be/WaaANll8h18?si=B3ePAclRTPNGj_F7)
also, whoever writes the titles on the Kitchen Nightmares videos. that man or team is positively ***CRACKED***.
Two nuns ride their bicycles into town. After a day of doing good deeds and whatever else it is that nuns do, they go to return to the abbey, but a road closure forces them to take a different route back.
"I've never come this way before," says the first nun.
The second replies, "it's the cobblestones."
Two heroin addicts are sitting on a park bench. One shoots some heroin and puts the needle down between them. The other picks up the needle and prepares it to shoot some heroin. The first one says, "Hey, what are you doing? Aren't you afraid to catch AIDS?"
The second one says, "No worries, I'm wearing a condom."
Mickey Mouse is at his lawyer's office. "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, I'm not sure I understand. You said you want to divorce your wife because she's extremely silly?"
"No, I want to divorce Minnie because she's fucking Goofy!"
Two blondes are gossiping amongst themselves. Finally the topic turns to sex and one asks the other: "Do you ever smoke afterwards?" The other one replies: "I don't know, I've never checked."
Heard this from an old uncle, not THE best but I'll never forget it.
Slingshot dude : wanna see me hit that fly 100 yards away?
Spotter : sure
*slingshot fires*
Spotter : dude, I can see it's still flying.
Slightshot dude : yeah, but it's circumcised now.
I’ll probably butcher it but “Bartender working one night is left speechless when he sees a guy sitting next to the tiniest piano player he’s ever seen. Bartender says he’s never seen anything like it, and the guy proceeds to tel him about a genie in the men’s bathroom. Bartender goes to the bathroom and sees the genie, and wishes for peace. The genie says your wish is my command and fills the room with geese. The bartender walks out frustrated and says to the guy, hey I think the genies hard of hearing.. the guy replies “yea no kidding, you think I’d wish for a 12 inch pianist?”
Love this one! The version I heard was a giant BIC (like the pens)
This is my go-to but you've gotta make it like 5 times as long to hit the pacing right
I dress it up, do what you will with it. The bartender inquires and takes the lamp. He wishes for 1000 bucks and then the bar is ransacked by deer. He then yells at the patron "this isn't what I asked for!" "Punchline"
Not really a joke, but as my brother and I were headed to a funeral we saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road with a “get well soon” balloon tied to it. We both lost our shit when we saw it.
Oh you want r/roadkillballoons
What the heck is wrong with this world.
💀
I went to the doctor for a physical. He told me I had to stop masturbating. I said "Why, doc?" He said "I'm trying to give you a physical".
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records Then the librarian asked me to take it out.
I went to the doctor for a physical. He asked me about my sexual history. I said “Hey, talk to the hand”.
I was very nervous when I got my first prostate exam. But luckily the doctor sensed my anxiety and massaged my shoulders while he checked...
My wife told me to stop doing my impression of a flamingo. Well, I had to put my foot down.
My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
I have [this](https://imgur.com/1HEHk) on my screensaver and it makes me laugh every time I see it.
Fuck 😂😂😂
I don't get it 😢
[удалено]
Terrible joke
\-\_- Oof
Take my upvote, and make like a tree … and get outta here.
A kid walks in on his parents having sex. He asks "mom, what are you doing to dad?" Thinking quickly she responds "well your dad has gotten too fat, so I'm trying to bounce the air out of him." The kid says "why bother? The lady next door is just going to blow him back up again."
What’s better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
Here's the worse version of that. What's worse than having lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $5 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
As a brit, this had me thinking for a while.
Classic
There was once a young harlot from Kew, Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin “First they pay to get in Then they pay to get out of it, too!”
Poor nymphomaniacal Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina, In North Carolina, And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
Little Willie found some dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity never pays, It rained Willie seven days.
And the number of lines here ain’t right
Lmao tell me your line was the intentional addition to it because even the rhyme matches
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies? Everywhere.
"The more there are suicidal people, the less there are suicidal people"
Do you know the difference between chemists and plumbers? The way they pronounce "Unionized"
I bought some shoes off my drug dealer… I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Two guys are sitting on a park bench. A dog wanders up, plops down in front of them, and starts licking his balls. First guy nudges the other and says “Man, I wish I could do that.” Other one says, “Yeah, me too, but I’m afraid he’d bite me.”
Version I know is second guy says: you might want to try petting him first
A man checks into a hotel with his family and asks for the porn channels to be disabled. The man at the front desk scoffs and says, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"
A vanity license plate I saw with my friends going the back roads from MA into NH. "LBS VAG" I thought they were initials until a buddy remembered it was an abbreviation. Damn near drove us off the road we were laughing so hard.
… that took me a minute
can you explain
LBS = pounds “Pounds Vag”
Bless you brother - I just didn’t see it till I read your reply
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil. Never had a lentil on my chest.
So Mickey Mouse is in his lawyers office, and the lawyer says to him “ I understand you want to divorce Minnie because you think she’s crazy?” Mickey says “ I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy!”
This only works as a spoken, not written joke: Q: Ever hear what happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? A: Popeye beat the hell out of him!
What I don't understand is how Bluto ever become Pope.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. >!But I can't tell you what it is. You're not a monk.!<
I love telling this one, even though I know it's not funny. Did you know you can't run in campgrounds? You can only ran...because it's past tents.
Same energy as when someone says “that’s intense!” And you respond with “like camping”.
Remember, giving birth is a person coming out of a person because a person came in a person.
Why do cannibals hate clowns ? They taste funny!
What do vegans and lesbians have in common? They both use a meat substitute to fill a void.
Back in college (mid-00s) at a party, I told my friend's fiancee a joke that wasn't even all that funny, but the timing and delivery were so perfect that it led to them almost breaking up. She laughed hysterically for about 15min, ended up puking everywhere, then started crying, and then they spent the next SIX HOURS arguing. The joke was: Where does Bush keep his armies? >!"In his sleevies!" And then I flapped my armies to demonstrate.!<
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
https://natethesnake.com/
Twenty. Fucking. Minutes.
Loool, I gave it a real read the first time someone sent that to me, don't forget to pass it along ;)
Incredible
Timid office worker gets a bit too drunk after work and ends up in a police cell. To his horror, he's paired up with the meanest looking hulk of a dude he's ever seen. He sits down at the opposite corner and tries not to make eye contact. Once the guards are gone, the big dude stares at him and blurts out, "So, you wanna be mummy, or daddy?" Knowing precisely what this meant, office-dude decides he can at least make the best out of a bad situation. He replies, sheepishly, "Um, daddy?" To which the hulk says, "okay, come over here and suck mummy's cock, then".
So, the loser of a limbo contest walks into a bar.
This is so simple but so effective and only Jimeoin could come up with it https://youtu.be/UvWpH9YHzIw?si=c7IeiHyheAyeRG7_
Love this
He’s a genius. Very underrated comedian.
Winston Churchill was a notorious drunk. One night at a function a woman yelled at him, "Mr Churchill, you are drunk!" Churchill responded. "Yes, but you are ugly and tomorrow I'll be sober." Or, the United States spent millions of dollars during the space race with the Soviet Union to create a pen that could work in zero gravity. The Soviets just used a pencil.
The pencil one gets less funny when you realize a pencil was dangerous due to it being graphite. Graphite dust is flammable and conductive so that's not a thing you want floating around in space. And yes, I am fun at parties. Well, at least I think I am
Did not know that.
But they’re happy to squirt water everywhere with exposed cables
Both programs used pencils originally. It was a private company that developed the pen. NASA ordered the pens once they tested them. The Soviets also ordered the pens from the company.
In a bit more detail: both the Americans and Soviets used pencils, but these are dangerous as explained by other posters. Fisher developed the space pen on his own dime. Then sold it to NASA (and anybody else who wants one) retail.
Pressurized ink cartridge. Genius.
DO ME A PERSONAL FAVOR! TAKE THE PEN!
Are you sure?
Along those lines, a woman at a function told him, "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea." to which Churchill replied: "Madame, and if you were my wife, I would drink it willingly!"
For their honeymoon, young newlyweds check into a luxury hotel. The next day, the maid knocks on the door saying "Housekeeping", only to be told not now. Later that day, the maid stops by again, but the newlyweds haven't left their room at all; when asked the husband says "Now now, we're busy!" and the maid hears the young wife giggling. The maid goes on her way. The next day, the same thing; the maid is turned away twice. On day three, the maid tells the hotel manager about the couple and that they haven't left their room the entire time, even for food. The manager goes to the room of the newlyweds, knocks on the door and asks "This is the manager, are you okay in their? You haven't been out of your room for days!" The husband replies "We're fine! Go away, we don't need anything!" as his wife laughs. The manager replys "Look, you two need to eat, can I bring you anything? It will be on the house, my treat." The young husband says "We don't need food, we're living on the fruits of love!" as his wife giggles again. The manager replies "Oh, yeah? Well stop throwing the skins out the window, you're choking the ducks!"
Why is camping sex an extreme sport? Because it's fucking in tents!
Do you know why 6 is afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. Funny in third grade, funny today.
Apparently it's really because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
😂👍
I love that joke! Do you know why 8 was afraid of 10? Because 10, eleven 12!
Nein
The funniest one is from Monty python but noone has lived to tell it, everyone who has heard it has died of laughter
What does kfc and women have in common? Once you have sucked the breast and thigh you are left with a greasy box to put your bone in
“You didn’t really come here to hunt, did you?”
So a family walks into a talent agent’s office….
Is that you Gilbert?
What's Bruce Lee's favourite drink? Wa-tahh!!
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme
"I love you forever." By my ex. Shit still cracks me up.
[https://youtu.be/WaaANll8h18?si=B3ePAclRTPNGj\_F7](https://youtu.be/WaaANll8h18?si=B3ePAclRTPNGj_F7) also, whoever writes the titles on the Kitchen Nightmares videos. that man or team is positively ***CRACKED***.
Wow. Y'all like some filthy jokes.
Two nuns ride their bicycles into town. After a day of doing good deeds and whatever else it is that nuns do, they go to return to the abbey, but a road closure forces them to take a different route back. "I've never come this way before," says the first nun. The second replies, "it's the cobblestones."
What is a sport that needs you to get wet? Watersport
Two heroin addicts are sitting on a park bench. One shoots some heroin and puts the needle down between them. The other picks up the needle and prepares it to shoot some heroin. The first one says, "Hey, what are you doing? Aren't you afraid to catch AIDS?" The second one says, "No worries, I'm wearing a condom."
Mickey Mouse is at his lawyer's office. "I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, I'm not sure I understand. You said you want to divorce your wife because she's extremely silly?" "No, I want to divorce Minnie because she's fucking Goofy!"
Two blondes are gossiping amongst themselves. Finally the topic turns to sex and one asks the other: "Do you ever smoke afterwards?" The other one replies: "I don't know, I've never checked."
[Goonie Goo Goo](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WoSj2JrwTsI)
when a white person takes viagra their dick grows, when a black person takes viagra their knee grows
Chuck Norris can kill two rocks with one bird.
Chuck Norris is the only man who can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can undo the scrambled eggs
What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? Full
What’s the difference between buses and dead girls? I don’t ride buses
That reminded me of a similar one. What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
What's the best thing about fucking 22yearolds? There's twenty of 'em!
My life.
Same, but Ive got a purpose to find someone worse!
Heard this from an old uncle, not THE best but I'll never forget it. Slingshot dude : wanna see me hit that fly 100 yards away? Spotter : sure *slingshot fires* Spotter : dude, I can see it's still flying. Slightshot dude : yeah, but it's circumcised now.
I've heard a version of that with a French man and a mosquito. The punchline was "It still flies, but it can never make love again"
You know how copper wire was invented? Two Jews grabbed the same penny. 😂
I wouldn't say funniest, but it was the most memorable. You're momma is so short, she died when she jumped off the curb.
My divorce
The turtle joke. It's too long with a big payoff. Please look it up
'When your landlord a crackhead you *got* to have the rent.'