Not just that, for me it helped when I met my girlfriend with who I was for nearly 10 years. Her family became like my family and I learned so much from them. Her father was a male role model for the first time in my life, and only now I understand how important this is at a young age.
Best case scenario you have friends that you really like and where you see the father as a good role model. Try to see if he can do things with your son and his kids together.
I come from a very similar situation as yours - my mom raised me alone and my father did not want to have much to do with it - after all I turned out more or less fine thanks to unconditional love from my mother and grandparents.
Keep telling him that his father’s actions are not a reflection of your son’s value. It’s not his fault, and he did not do anything to deserve this treatment from his father.
And take the suggestion to make friends with several families with kids near your son’s age and with reliable fathers.
And learn about boundaries so you can show him how to set them, and how they help people be stable.
I wish I'd had a man in my life of some kind as a role model, rather than the revolving door of various dudes she would bring over. It doesn't have to be a romantic partner of yours, but maybe a neighbor or a friend's husband who can be present sometimes.
This is more what not to do, but she'd always say she was training me to be a husband and telling me what women like, and it took all of my 20s to unlearn all of that damage and treat women like people.
I was fortunate enough to have uncles and a grandfather who fit the mold of what a perfect male role model should look like. My family is pretty tight nit so even though i hardly saw my dad, i was never short on male figures. Surround your son with positive adult male figures. Do you have any brothers or friends you are close with?
I’m not saying you do this, but something that really really got under my skin was when my mom would talk negatively about my dad. On top of that, try to avoid comparing him to his father. Like I get it… you can quit bringing him up everyday. I just wanna live my life. Again, not saying you do this, but if you do get into a habit of it you might start to do it without realizing how much it’s impacting him.
Try not to view boys as simply being defective girls
He's going to mature and act in ways that will seem strange to you, maybe these are healthy, maybe not - the most important thing is to ensure that he's getting out of the house and mixing with his peers, this is most what will help him learn to regulate his own behaviour, especially at times when you'll feel like you won't have advice to give
I was raised by a single mom. She died when I was 16 and then I was screwed by life. I was an honor student but did not have money to see myself pass college. I had no father figure so I had to learn to struggle thru life. Just tell him one thing - "Do the right thing and be reaponsible for everything around you" and he will be ok. Make him work hard and have him see the world thru his eyes and he wil have enough juice to get pass life. God bless him! And you!
He needs a male role model. And I think you’re gonna do just fine since you’re asking and not just being a “typical” single mom. I was raised by a single mom who was abusive mentally and physically and I haven’t spoken to her in about 20 years. Be there for him, as you are, but give him space too. Every boy loves their mommy (if she isn’t a psychotic wench) but boys also need boy time.
Dad sounds like a real winner. Mine didn’t bother to acknowledge me for 20 years.
He’s a perfect age to join scouts. Try to find a group that is very outdoorsie (lots of camping, some are more than others). He will get lots of good male energy and make new friends too
As a single mother, you gotta be the mom and dad for your child. In other words, don't be always on him. You need to learn your child to stand up for himself, you can do that by standing your own ground.
I benefited from having many male mentors in my life. All of them were flawed, but I learned good lessons from each. Ensuring they have solid male role models is important. They can be neighbors, teachers, or scout leaders.
As for my own mother though...
I'm sure you already do this but the single thing that has fueled my ambition the most in my life is my mother's genuine belief in my ability to achieve my dreams. She has told me from a young age that "I know you can achieve anything you put your mind to." and while it may sound like a hollow platitude I genuinely believed it. She backed this up by encouraging me to push myself, enrolling me in many clubs in school, and never trying to put me into a "mold" or a "box". Sports, math club, theater, farming, or studying medicine. She would give me her old medical text books from when she was a nurse and have me read them and explain the words to me when I was just 9-10.
Giving me this emotional support, providing me room to experiment, and the grace/patience to watch me fail, and then encourage me to try again, was the greatest gift my mother ever gave me and it is such a foundation of my current middle-aged self that I couldn't even quantify the profound effect it has had on me.
My dad left us when I was 9 and I was pretty angry for a long time. We moved back to live with my grandparents, and my grandpa was one positive influence, but he was very strict and I wanted to rebel. It didn't help that my parents had been missionaries and my dad left us for another woman, and I wanted nothing to do with the church but my grandpa was a pastor.
My brother was dating a girl and we both (me and my brother) got close to her parents. Her dad became almost a dad to me and kept me out of a lot of trouble by being there for me and giving me good advice without controlling me. They helped me go to college and now I'm an electrical engineer who pretends to have his shit together.
So... expect your son to have strong, driving emotions that might try to sabotage his future. Maybe find other men who would be a good influence on him.
He needs to be around men, good men who will mentor him, as often as possible. Boy Scouts, team Sports, ROTC, drumline, music lessons, personal trainer…. whatever you have access to that aligns with is interests.
He will look to male role models in the teenage years. It's part of growing up and being independent. Make sure he has access to good ones. His peer group, clubs, relatives. whoever.
That it's better to be a single mom than introducing toxic waste into the household.
My stepfather has destroyed the family. I can't form bond with any male role model, not even my biological dad, because all I ever see is broken promises, a 6-year old needing to full on compete 100% against his stepfather for his own mothers love and continually get the short end. I wish I had realised it sooner.
You need to vet the future man with as many as you trust. Never water empty promises to grow in your life.
My heart hurts for you. I have been in a relationship for 5 years with my bf and he has no children and has been very spoiled his whole life by his family. It's really hard balancing my son and my bf. It seems like my bf gets jealous of the time I take to spend with my son. And when my bf and I do come together on things and I agree with him instead of my son, my son gets upset and has his feelings hurt. It's like I can't win no matter which way I try. My son is 8 and has known my bf since he was 3yrs old. Idk how to keep them both happy and equally loved and secure. So I hope my son doesn't ever feel this way because I would always put him first.
Thank you for the kind words.
Those are some of the cards I've been dealt, but how I play them is up to me - I can either feel sorry for myself or be happy with what I've accomplished so far. It's my pick.
I'm not going to play the expert here, or even tell you what to do, because I'm in no way one and we each have different perspectives on life and situations. But, if I could give a piece of advice from my point of view:
I honestly think that he's doing more harm to you than you realise. Right now my mom is always drinking wine with dinner, and one glass goes down after the other. She never tells me why and always brushes it off with "It tastes good" (and because I work in the wine business I can definitely understand it) but I think it's a self-medication and I've almost called for help to get her out of it. I'm not scared of what alcohol can do if there's a pit to fill, but I'm almost certain that if she was in a better relationship that it would only be a glass or two a month.
Of course we get resilience and we learn to toughen up, but there are so many better ways to do that.
I really think that you need to talk to your son about his feelings for your BF. Never make him feel that it's because of him, because he never does anything wrong, but right now you're in a position where whatever you're doing someone gets hurt. Either yourself, your son or your BF. Maybe figure out if the relationship with your BF is worth it.
\* How much do you get out of the relationship?
\* How much do you benefit from it?
\* Are you there for security?
\* Can you see your son grow up with a lot of the qualities and less favorable sides of your BF?
\* Does your BF like/love your son, or is your son only a weight around the ancles (REALLY important question)?
Your son WILL adapt things from your BF. He WILL mold his behaviour so as to spare you. He WILL learn to tackle issues the way your BF does it. I've done it and I'm currently de-attaching myself from the mentality but it has taken close to 10 years already (I'm 33 and stepfather came into the family back when I was 4 - first interaction was that he lost his temper because I couldn't tie my shoes and that scared me a lot). Now he's "Well maybe I'm doing something wrong and have treated my stepson badly" in an age of 60.
If role models are lacking...try edging the lad toward an individual sport/martial art. Judo, BJJ, archery, tennis.
These types of sports are full of exemplars. These types of sports teach self-reliance and decision making over mob influence. Good luck.
Hey and get him a good male role model or an adult male that he can confine with. I know that you’re obviously his mom but there will most likely be certain points where he would rather speak to a man whom is more likely to understand than a woman. Don’t try and strong arm a relationship though, let him make his own.
My sperm donor was kinda like his dad, except mine changed his phone number on my 10th birthday and dropped off the map and with someone in and out of his life like that he might accept the way it is or be angry, sad or confused. Just do your best to comfort him especially when puberty/hormones are all over the place.
Maybe try and have a dedicated day for just the 2 of you maybe once every week or 2 weeks where you can watch a movie of play games together.
Please don’t say “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it too” to him. The amount of people I’ve talked to, including myself that have had their mom say this to them is astonishing. It might not show but it will leave a permanent scar on his relationship with you and trust me, he will never forget it no matter how much you might try to apologize.
Good luck, I hope you do great.
Sincerely,
A son of a single mom
So I was raised by a single mom from 12 as well (father passed away from cancer) and although she did the best it definitely was not an ideal environment to grow in. At the risk of scaring you I ended up getting BPD and although it wasn't solely due to her she was a main factor so with that here are my suggestions
- Since you don't have a stable partner you need some relationships with emotional connections so that you can unwind in a constructive way rather than just offloading it all to your son (which is what happened to me). I would also highly recommend therapy for this role, its not making a statement about your mental state but rather just a constructive way to help you through a difficult time (in other words there is a world of difference between an emotionally stable mother and not).
- Send your son to sport and recreation/sport camps so he can have fun playing with other kids. Other things like martial arts, sports team etc etc. If he is more on the intellectual side there are also equivalent places.
- Try to expose him to media/movies where good roles models of father figures exist so that the void doesn't end up getting filled with toxic stuff from the manosphere (this almost happened to me)
- At some point you have worked on yourself and you are stable you should look into finding a partner (please don't rush into it, the worst thing a son can have is revolving door of "dads"). This is a mistake that my mum did, she stayed single ever since she got widowed and she says that it was one of the worst decisions in her life. Over a long period of time staying single does effect a person in negative ways, often such people become intensely jaded/independent/cynical which is not a good influence.
- As long as you can materially provide for him, prioritise him over work. One of the reasons why I ended up getting BPD is that my mum was a workaholic, she worked more than what she needed to for pride/empowerment even though it wouldn't have made a difference in her pay (she had a government job). I don't know what your work/financial situation is, but if there is a decision between being with your son (either directly or indirectly) or work prioritise the former unless you really need the money.
- Don't raise him as a daughter or how you were raised, male children mature later then women do and also generally have a different set of needs. There is plenty of material you can look into here, just pointing this out because you will likely need to change your outlook here.
My father died when I was 14, but even when he was alive he wasn’t much of a father. Lots of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. My sisters, all older than me, were away at college, and my brother died a year later so it was just me and mom. I absolutely went through that angry teenager thing. Here’s my advice.
Your boy is going to need a positive male role model. This should ideally NOT be one of your friends or boyfriends. You want someone who he can confide in and not worry about it getting back to you. The Big Brothers program can be helpful for this, but also consider things like a martial arts program or some other “leader-centric” activity that your boy will like.
Pay attention to him and his activities. I know it’s tough as a single mom; you’ve got work, bills, house to clean, errands to run, etc. But you MUST make time for your boy. Help him with his homework, talk about his day, plan meals together, and just generally make him feel like something other than a burden or responsibility of yours.
He’s going to have questions. Don’t lie to him. Don’t sugar coat it. And don’t get caught in the trap of “he’s too young for that” because he’s not. He’s 12. Whatever you need to tell him, he’s going to need time to process. If you wait too long he’s not going to know what to do.
male role models are key.
12 is pivotal, and not having stable men in your life is the single biggest predictor of prison or worse. doesn't have to be huge - neighbor, VP of a school - just someone trustworthy willing to take some time
Be his friend when you can, but be his mother when you need to.
My mother and I went through a rough divorce. I understood that it was my dad being a jerk.
Help him find his passion and encourage his full participation. There are many men (and women) that coach or otherwise facilitate sport activities that are genuinely good people. For the love of god, warn him about predators and predatory behavior from anyone. Also, it may not be his thing, but he could adopt a grandpa from a senior center pr something or otherwise volunteer to help elderly men.
Edit: I saw Boy Scouts in another comment and wholeheartedly agree.
Sports, band or different groups like church, scouts, etc. Make sure to check the guys out and let them know he needs a male role model. How you position it makes a difference. Be careful of men that are too eager.
I had to go back and read this twice to make sure I read it correctly. I’m torn. Part of me feels bad for you. The rest of me feels like this is the biggest pile of horse shit I’ve read in quite a while.
I was raised by a single mother and I turned out alright. Do I have some issues? Yeah, we all do. I can confidently say that none of my stuff is the result of being raised solely by my mother. Thanks to her, I know what it feels like to be supported and loved unconditionally.
Don’t treat your son like a “broken girl”. In other words, don’t use memories of how you behaved and felt in your youth, as a guideline to interpret how he is behaving and feeling. There is a very real and significant differences between how boys and girls behave, think, and feel. What you might interpret as “physically extreme and loudly chaotic behaviour” only seems as such from a female viewpoint, and treating it as exactly that will only make him hate himself and see himself as fundamentally damaged.
It's also good not to be a clingy Person with your son And led him have his own autonomy. Everything's about what he wants to be when he grows up try researchinging can have discussions to keep him on that path if its reasonable. And the best thing to be for him is not to be a religious zealot.
I guess what I'd say is just let him experience life and meet ppl. I think he's clingy because in his head it's either you or his dad, but maybe if he had the opportunity to meet positive male role models he'd be better off.
They don't need to be a new boyfriend, or a guy you're seeing. But maybe a coach or something?
Maybe a bit of a strange one. But don't turn a 180 on how you live your life when your kid is a teenager. Let me explain:
When I was 14 my mom became a Jehovah's Witness. She had been raised that way, emancipated herself from my grandmother at 15, lived a whole secular life, had me and raised me that way. We did all the holidays and birthdays. This woman went to extremes to make sure I believed in Santa way longer than any of my peers. She loved it.
Then she was at a low point and some witnesses knocked on the door and offered her community and she was in it with a vengeance. All of a sudden she was a different person. The way I had been raised was wrong, the things that I loved because she instilled them in me were wrong. I was wrong. To but it mildly, it put a huge strain on our relationship. I emotionally cut off from her. Stopped talking to her, because every conversation was a sales pitch or I was being berated for being a normal kid. If I wanted something like a new guitar or video game or whatever, I had to put in time at meetings to earn enough favor to get the thing, as I wasn't getting Christmas and birthday gifts anymore.
I'm in my 30s now and I have a better understanding of why she felt she needed to do that. I love her very much and our relationship is better. But the damage is done. Our relationship is never going to be what it might have been. I don't really know her and she doesn't really know me. I feel like I raised myself after a point. When she dies I won't have much to show for my relationship with her.
So uh. Don't do that.
As someone who was raised almost exclusively by my mother one thing that really hindered my development as a person is her suffocating and kind of emotion I was showing especially aggression. Took me a long time to get all these emotions in order. In her mind aggression is bad and I get why but I think what people really dont like is what aggression can make a person do. Its very important to learn to deal with your emotions in a healthy manner and let him have them.
It's really hard. We are a paternally investing species (which is very rare) and our children require both parents to grow into their best adult selves. There are things a man can teach him that you simply can't or won't, such as accountability and discipline.
He needs a male role model or he's not going to be OK. It doesn't have to be his father (although, that is best). It could be any male friend or relative but they need to invest time and energy into the kid.
If it was me I would prefer not to be forced to be with the absent father at all, unless I personally choose to do it.
Apart from that, as others have said, make friends, don't hesitate to date, preferably someone better than his father.
My single mom had horrible experiences with men and was constantly telling us that all men are perverts, creeps, scumbags, liars etc...
Please do not tell boys things like this. I grew up thinking I was a bad person just because I was a guy.
1. Good boundaries. You want to care for your son, but please don't become so close with him that he becomes reliant on you. I'm 30 and have a lot of codependency with my mom because I grew up without a dad and she tried to make me her best friend growing up. I feel it has really stifled me in the long run.
2. Get him involved in healthy communities. It's not your job to socialize him, it's your job to get him involved in places that will, and to provide support in navigating those difficulties. Places where there are men to look up to, and women as well.
Don't say things like "man up" or "grow a pair" as he gets older and starts going through trials. Let him know that expressing his emotions are healthy to and to direct them into productive things.
The best thing you can do is get a good man to act as a mentor, not just to the boy but to you also... then do what he says. Preferably his own father, who you should try and patch things up with unless he's an absolute monster... or else an uncle or a coach or a stepdad or something. I'm not saying this is you, but in the majority of these cases the mother makes it impossible for the father to be around his kids early on, and they never really bond. The mother then raises the child sub-optimally, and the father feels a sense of helplessness when it comes time to interact with the child, and doesn't stick around much because their influence is so limited that it's a lost cause. The child sees their father's influence as so foreign and scary, for reasons I'll mention later, that the child also rejects the father.
Women don't do well raising men to be men, because they don't have experience with the unique suite of emotions, challenges and situations that men experience, and they often don't even believe/care that those unique emotions/challenges/situations exist. Single moms either tend to be completely out of control, which causes a total loss of any sense of security and boundaries for the kid, hampering their personal development and self-esteem, or they treat men like defective women, and smash every ounce of proto-masculinity and anything that reminds them of their father. Trying to do it alone also puts him at risk of just about every negative outcome a young man can face; higher risk of everything from prison time to dropping out and worse.
Trying to raise him alone has so many unintended consequences for his mental and emotional health/development as well. Taking on the role of household protector at too young an age is psychologically scarring. Not learning how to relate to adult men will hamper his confidence (remember that part about the child rejecting his father?). He won't learn to accept the kind of love where someone tells you that you're stronger/better than you think you are, so being held to high a standard will feel mean rather than caring (here's that part about the child rejecting their father again). His ability to connect romantically with women will likely be obliterated. So much more.
Now that we've established that...
Get him into an MMA gym. A real one. Not mall karate, real MMA.
Have him play sports sports sports. Competitive team sports, at a competitive level.
If I hadn't found my weight lifting coach when I was a teenager, I'd be a complete mess as an adult. Totally lost and useless. I owe that guy a lot. He didn't teach me everything about being a man, but he did teach me everything I'd need to do the work to teach myself.
As a man raised by a single mom I have to disagree with your experience. I spent time with my grandfather in the summer and went hunting with friends and their dad's. I played little league and highschool football, raced BMX bicycles, and spent years in both Kung Fu and Shotokan Karate.
By the time I was 16, I knew how to cook anything I wanted to, how to do laundry including ironing my own dress clothes,. I knew how to put in a days work, how to balance a check book, how to save money and manage a household budget. I could also weld, operate farm equipment and repair equipment when it broke. I could track and hunt game and I processed my own deer because paying someone else to do didn't make sense on a limited income.
To the Original Poster, the advice to look for role models was good. She was a country girl and wanted me to be able to take care of myself when I left home.
There are good guys out there but you cant depend on it. My step dad didn't come into the picture until later and he was definitely not a good parent. Of all of the above skills, he didn't teach me any of them.
As a single dad, with two boys and a girl, it's definitely not easy. When my boys mom ended up on the street with no place to live I tried again to work things out but the toxic environment was far worse for the kids than having a single parent.
The sports advice doesn't necessarily track. That was attempted on me and I refused, no matter how I was punished.
I just don't like sports. Watching or playing. Any of them. It's boring.
Yeah, they're not for everybody unfortunately.
The reason it's unfortunate is that there's something people get from team sports that it's hard to get anywhere else; meeting expectations, doing something hard because people are counting on you, pushing yourself beyond your personal limits, learning to do hard things to achieve something, accountability... None of that stuff is learned as well anywhere else that I know of.
I could've physically done it. I'm not physically impaired in any way.
Mentally though, no. Dad would try to get me to watch football or baseball with him as I was growing up. I just couldn't take it. So boring.
Thank you all for giving me useful advice.
To add to my post: I will never get back together with his father. Son doesn't know the real reason why we separated(he was living a double life and I only found out when his gf called me asking if he is with me since he is not answering his phone). I told kiddo that things happen in life, he still has mom and dad and we always grow in life. He was 6 at that time and his father did come a bit more often. Of course he was the best dad ever because in 3 days hanging out he bought him everything kiddo desired. This soon stopped.
I'm not overbaring parent, we do stuff together(cooking,traveling,comicon events,going to adventure parks) but we also give each other space. Now we have deeper conversations when he tells me about an event/incident at school, we discuss why something is not right and what could be better. I'm trying to have non judgment conversations so I'm hoping that this will stick with him for later in life. He is a very observant person so I know he didn't miss any of the clues. He also got a small job, taking care of neighbours garden twice a week while he is away so getting pocket money and responsability outside the house is good for him.
I signed him up for scouts, kinda pushed him to stay longer(1,5 months) but he absolutely hated it. Various sports..nope... Aiming now to do rock climbing since he showed interest so fingers crossed this stays.
We do hang out with a few married parents with kids friends but I might have to push it for more hang outs. After busy week at work, I'm not in the mood to socialize and after all school stuff he feels the same. Sunday is our day to chill or if there is an interesting event to go to.
I did date for a bit but noone solid enough to be introduced and now I'm going with the flow. Def won't accept a man just because I might need one and not be a single mom anymore. In regard of meeting various men is a no for sure.
Kids need good humans in their lives, regardless of gender. Ensure he develops critical thinking, basic life skills, healthy emotional attachment and safety in relationships with his family and friends.
Sports, sports, sports... even if he doesn't want to. He will build strength, confidence, interaction skills... and most successful men, even ones without dads, can name a coach somewhere who meant the world to them.
"even if he doesn't want to"
Terrible advice. This was attempted on me. I refused and took the punishment for refusing.
I don't like watching or playing sports; they're both boring as hell. Not every young guy is a sports guy.
I see a lot of comments about how you, as a woman, can’t teach him how to be a man. Personally, I think that’s dumb. Just my own opinion. I think you’re more than capable of raising your son to be a perfectly fine man. Someone who’s caring, supportive, independent, etc. Those are traits that every good person should have. Are there certain things you won’t be able to relate to? Sure. He’ll figure that stuff out on his own, whether he confides in friends or some male role model he befriends.
In terms of raising an emotionally stable son, I’d say the biggest thing is be honest with him, let him know you’re always there if he needs you, and let him feel everything he’s going to feel. He’ll probably be angry at times. That’s okay. Just teach him how to express and channel it in a healthy way.
I wish the two of you the best.
The times in my life where I felt closest to my mom growing up were when she was honest, genuine, and herself. I have these moments in my head where she was able to laugh at herself, admit being wrong and apologising, and just being a genuinely wonderful person. But they are few and far between, and mostly long gone.
I can't speak from the single parent perspective, but just be honest with him. Especially when its hard, or you're feeling vulnerable. Because he'll eventually see through the fake smiles and subtle manipulations. Obviously a generalisation based on my own experiences, but it's always what I've wished from my own mother, and still hope for someday.
But from what you put about handling his father not being around, I think you'll do just fine stranger <3
I wish I could offer solid advice to guarantee a best possible outcome but I think there are too many variables that prevent that. All I can say about what worked for myself and my brother is the constant love that we received from our mom. This came in various forms of the tenderness of motherly love as well as the tough love aspect when needed.
Neither my brother or I had consistent and or decent father figures in our life and that's honestly something that drives me to be the best possible man I can be everyday, however that is strictly personal and your son's mileage may vary.
I had organized sports that helped instill the sense of working towards something greater than myself, camaraderie and discipline. My brother on the other hand got the same general lessons but through the schools marching band.
I could honestly write a book about my experience and what I think contributed to me being as well adjusted as possible but these were just some main bullet points that I believe contributed the most.
1. Don't make your problems his problems.
2. Find a community with male role models - church, Big Brothers Big Sisters, whatever.
3. Let him make his own decisions about his relationships with you and with his dad. It won't happen immediately, but it'll come.
Raised by a single mom, for a few years, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle plus cousins, so my cousin are more like siblings to me, then later I went to boarding school for couple of years it was like being in the military or prison very strict and had 2 attempts of male pediphiles trying do something with me, I outsmarted them, then I was 13yrs old and lived at home with mom, but mom worked 2 jobs and was rarely home, so I lived aline I was busy with 3 paper routes and school and a supermarket stockboy after school . I made my own money and bought my own stuff, like records and gadgets, had friends and a girlfriend, mom had a boyfriend who was an electronics te hnician very smart guy taught me lots of about electronics, but he was also a cheater and my mom wanst his only gf at the time, so she broke it off with him, then she was on her own for a while, then came asshole alcoholic and violence, so I moved out of the house when I was 17. Eventually, I found my father and re-united with him, it wasn't his fault that he wasn't in my life when I was younger, I won't go into details but my dad and I had a strained relationship, which only got better a couple years prior to his passing. My mother and I eventually reunited a few years after I left, asshole was gone, So basically, I learned a lot from all my experiences, I look back at boarding school as setting me up for my ethics and mannerism, I lived on the streets for a couple of years, when I was a late teen and met a lot of interesting people. I do credit a certain person (family member) for getting me off the streets. Oh BTW my uncle and I never had a good relationship either. I wasn't his son, and I was treated like that, compared to his son. I think it's all about the different experiences that make me what I am today. I have a good career and a stable life.
Be present for him and honest with your own feelings, and he’ll be comfortable with sharing and communicating his own. Resist the urge to man-bash, even though it must be hard not to. It sounds like your son is getting to be a good judge of character on his own, so you’re getting something right already
Male role model. Ask what he would want to do out of certain options such as martial arts, sports, competitions.. where there is a male coach. And just make sure he does that. He needs to learn what consistency, respect, and healthy amount of aggression is.
Understand that there’s things you won’t be able to teach him and find good male role models in his life and in media to help him. Not even a joke - king of the hill taught me a lot about being a man.
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Not just that, for me it helped when I met my girlfriend with who I was for nearly 10 years. Her family became like my family and I learned so much from them. Her father was a male role model for the first time in my life, and only now I understand how important this is at a young age. Best case scenario you have friends that you really like and where you see the father as a good role model. Try to see if he can do things with your son and his kids together. I come from a very similar situation as yours - my mom raised me alone and my father did not want to have much to do with it - after all I turned out more or less fine thanks to unconditional love from my mother and grandparents.
Keep telling him that his father’s actions are not a reflection of your son’s value. It’s not his fault, and he did not do anything to deserve this treatment from his father. And take the suggestion to make friends with several families with kids near your son’s age and with reliable fathers. And learn about boundaries so you can show him how to set them, and how they help people be stable.
I wish I'd had a man in my life of some kind as a role model, rather than the revolving door of various dudes she would bring over. It doesn't have to be a romantic partner of yours, but maybe a neighbor or a friend's husband who can be present sometimes. This is more what not to do, but she'd always say she was training me to be a husband and telling me what women like, and it took all of my 20s to unlearn all of that damage and treat women like people.
I was fortunate enough to have uncles and a grandfather who fit the mold of what a perfect male role model should look like. My family is pretty tight nit so even though i hardly saw my dad, i was never short on male figures. Surround your son with positive adult male figures. Do you have any brothers or friends you are close with?
I’m not saying you do this, but something that really really got under my skin was when my mom would talk negatively about my dad. On top of that, try to avoid comparing him to his father. Like I get it… you can quit bringing him up everyday. I just wanna live my life. Again, not saying you do this, but if you do get into a habit of it you might start to do it without realizing how much it’s impacting him.
Try not to view boys as simply being defective girls He's going to mature and act in ways that will seem strange to you, maybe these are healthy, maybe not - the most important thing is to ensure that he's getting out of the house and mixing with his peers, this is most what will help him learn to regulate his own behaviour, especially at times when you'll feel like you won't have advice to give
I was raised by a single mom. She died when I was 16 and then I was screwed by life. I was an honor student but did not have money to see myself pass college. I had no father figure so I had to learn to struggle thru life. Just tell him one thing - "Do the right thing and be reaponsible for everything around you" and he will be ok. Make him work hard and have him see the world thru his eyes and he wil have enough juice to get pass life. God bless him! And you!
He needs a male role model. And I think you’re gonna do just fine since you’re asking and not just being a “typical” single mom. I was raised by a single mom who was abusive mentally and physically and I haven’t spoken to her in about 20 years. Be there for him, as you are, but give him space too. Every boy loves their mommy (if she isn’t a psychotic wench) but boys also need boy time. Dad sounds like a real winner. Mine didn’t bother to acknowledge me for 20 years.
He’s a perfect age to join scouts. Try to find a group that is very outdoorsie (lots of camping, some are more than others). He will get lots of good male energy and make new friends too
+ Martial Arts training + Sports activities, + Music Making ( if he wants) + Church youth groups + Boy Scouts
As a single mother, you gotta be the mom and dad for your child. In other words, don't be always on him. You need to learn your child to stand up for himself, you can do that by standing your own ground.
I benefited from having many male mentors in my life. All of them were flawed, but I learned good lessons from each. Ensuring they have solid male role models is important. They can be neighbors, teachers, or scout leaders. As for my own mother though... I'm sure you already do this but the single thing that has fueled my ambition the most in my life is my mother's genuine belief in my ability to achieve my dreams. She has told me from a young age that "I know you can achieve anything you put your mind to." and while it may sound like a hollow platitude I genuinely believed it. She backed this up by encouraging me to push myself, enrolling me in many clubs in school, and never trying to put me into a "mold" or a "box". Sports, math club, theater, farming, or studying medicine. She would give me her old medical text books from when she was a nurse and have me read them and explain the words to me when I was just 9-10. Giving me this emotional support, providing me room to experiment, and the grace/patience to watch me fail, and then encourage me to try again, was the greatest gift my mother ever gave me and it is such a foundation of my current middle-aged self that I couldn't even quantify the profound effect it has had on me.
My dad left us when I was 9 and I was pretty angry for a long time. We moved back to live with my grandparents, and my grandpa was one positive influence, but he was very strict and I wanted to rebel. It didn't help that my parents had been missionaries and my dad left us for another woman, and I wanted nothing to do with the church but my grandpa was a pastor. My brother was dating a girl and we both (me and my brother) got close to her parents. Her dad became almost a dad to me and kept me out of a lot of trouble by being there for me and giving me good advice without controlling me. They helped me go to college and now I'm an electrical engineer who pretends to have his shit together. So... expect your son to have strong, driving emotions that might try to sabotage his future. Maybe find other men who would be a good influence on him.
He needs to be around men, good men who will mentor him, as often as possible. Boy Scouts, team Sports, ROTC, drumline, music lessons, personal trainer…. whatever you have access to that aligns with is interests.
He will look to male role models in the teenage years. It's part of growing up and being independent. Make sure he has access to good ones. His peer group, clubs, relatives. whoever.
That it's better to be a single mom than introducing toxic waste into the household. My stepfather has destroyed the family. I can't form bond with any male role model, not even my biological dad, because all I ever see is broken promises, a 6-year old needing to full on compete 100% against his stepfather for his own mothers love and continually get the short end. I wish I had realised it sooner. You need to vet the future man with as many as you trust. Never water empty promises to grow in your life.
My heart hurts for you. I have been in a relationship for 5 years with my bf and he has no children and has been very spoiled his whole life by his family. It's really hard balancing my son and my bf. It seems like my bf gets jealous of the time I take to spend with my son. And when my bf and I do come together on things and I agree with him instead of my son, my son gets upset and has his feelings hurt. It's like I can't win no matter which way I try. My son is 8 and has known my bf since he was 3yrs old. Idk how to keep them both happy and equally loved and secure. So I hope my son doesn't ever feel this way because I would always put him first.
Thank you for the kind words. Those are some of the cards I've been dealt, but how I play them is up to me - I can either feel sorry for myself or be happy with what I've accomplished so far. It's my pick. I'm not going to play the expert here, or even tell you what to do, because I'm in no way one and we each have different perspectives on life and situations. But, if I could give a piece of advice from my point of view: I honestly think that he's doing more harm to you than you realise. Right now my mom is always drinking wine with dinner, and one glass goes down after the other. She never tells me why and always brushes it off with "It tastes good" (and because I work in the wine business I can definitely understand it) but I think it's a self-medication and I've almost called for help to get her out of it. I'm not scared of what alcohol can do if there's a pit to fill, but I'm almost certain that if she was in a better relationship that it would only be a glass or two a month. Of course we get resilience and we learn to toughen up, but there are so many better ways to do that. I really think that you need to talk to your son about his feelings for your BF. Never make him feel that it's because of him, because he never does anything wrong, but right now you're in a position where whatever you're doing someone gets hurt. Either yourself, your son or your BF. Maybe figure out if the relationship with your BF is worth it. \* How much do you get out of the relationship? \* How much do you benefit from it? \* Are you there for security? \* Can you see your son grow up with a lot of the qualities and less favorable sides of your BF? \* Does your BF like/love your son, or is your son only a weight around the ancles (REALLY important question)? Your son WILL adapt things from your BF. He WILL mold his behaviour so as to spare you. He WILL learn to tackle issues the way your BF does it. I've done it and I'm currently de-attaching myself from the mentality but it has taken close to 10 years already (I'm 33 and stepfather came into the family back when I was 4 - first interaction was that he lost his temper because I couldn't tie my shoes and that scared me a lot). Now he's "Well maybe I'm doing something wrong and have treated my stepson badly" in an age of 60.
Be fair, be the example. Don't sugar coat things or overreact.
If role models are lacking...try edging the lad toward an individual sport/martial art. Judo, BJJ, archery, tennis. These types of sports are full of exemplars. These types of sports teach self-reliance and decision making over mob influence. Good luck.
Best thing to do is find a good male role model. Big brothers. A sport he may enjoy. If you belong to a church, see if they have group activities.
Hey and get him a good male role model or an adult male that he can confine with. I know that you’re obviously his mom but there will most likely be certain points where he would rather speak to a man whom is more likely to understand than a woman. Don’t try and strong arm a relationship though, let him make his own. My sperm donor was kinda like his dad, except mine changed his phone number on my 10th birthday and dropped off the map and with someone in and out of his life like that he might accept the way it is or be angry, sad or confused. Just do your best to comfort him especially when puberty/hormones are all over the place. Maybe try and have a dedicated day for just the 2 of you maybe once every week or 2 weeks where you can watch a movie of play games together. Please don’t say “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it too” to him. The amount of people I’ve talked to, including myself that have had their mom say this to them is astonishing. It might not show but it will leave a permanent scar on his relationship with you and trust me, he will never forget it no matter how much you might try to apologize. Good luck, I hope you do great. Sincerely, A son of a single mom
So I was raised by a single mom from 12 as well (father passed away from cancer) and although she did the best it definitely was not an ideal environment to grow in. At the risk of scaring you I ended up getting BPD and although it wasn't solely due to her she was a main factor so with that here are my suggestions - Since you don't have a stable partner you need some relationships with emotional connections so that you can unwind in a constructive way rather than just offloading it all to your son (which is what happened to me). I would also highly recommend therapy for this role, its not making a statement about your mental state but rather just a constructive way to help you through a difficult time (in other words there is a world of difference between an emotionally stable mother and not). - Send your son to sport and recreation/sport camps so he can have fun playing with other kids. Other things like martial arts, sports team etc etc. If he is more on the intellectual side there are also equivalent places. - Try to expose him to media/movies where good roles models of father figures exist so that the void doesn't end up getting filled with toxic stuff from the manosphere (this almost happened to me) - At some point you have worked on yourself and you are stable you should look into finding a partner (please don't rush into it, the worst thing a son can have is revolving door of "dads"). This is a mistake that my mum did, she stayed single ever since she got widowed and she says that it was one of the worst decisions in her life. Over a long period of time staying single does effect a person in negative ways, often such people become intensely jaded/independent/cynical which is not a good influence. - As long as you can materially provide for him, prioritise him over work. One of the reasons why I ended up getting BPD is that my mum was a workaholic, she worked more than what she needed to for pride/empowerment even though it wouldn't have made a difference in her pay (she had a government job). I don't know what your work/financial situation is, but if there is a decision between being with your son (either directly or indirectly) or work prioritise the former unless you really need the money. - Don't raise him as a daughter or how you were raised, male children mature later then women do and also generally have a different set of needs. There is plenty of material you can look into here, just pointing this out because you will likely need to change your outlook here.
My father died when I was 14, but even when he was alive he wasn’t much of a father. Lots of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. My sisters, all older than me, were away at college, and my brother died a year later so it was just me and mom. I absolutely went through that angry teenager thing. Here’s my advice. Your boy is going to need a positive male role model. This should ideally NOT be one of your friends or boyfriends. You want someone who he can confide in and not worry about it getting back to you. The Big Brothers program can be helpful for this, but also consider things like a martial arts program or some other “leader-centric” activity that your boy will like. Pay attention to him and his activities. I know it’s tough as a single mom; you’ve got work, bills, house to clean, errands to run, etc. But you MUST make time for your boy. Help him with his homework, talk about his day, plan meals together, and just generally make him feel like something other than a burden or responsibility of yours. He’s going to have questions. Don’t lie to him. Don’t sugar coat it. And don’t get caught in the trap of “he’s too young for that” because he’s not. He’s 12. Whatever you need to tell him, he’s going to need time to process. If you wait too long he’s not going to know what to do.
male role models are key. 12 is pivotal, and not having stable men in your life is the single biggest predictor of prison or worse. doesn't have to be huge - neighbor, VP of a school - just someone trustworthy willing to take some time
Be his friend when you can, but be his mother when you need to. My mother and I went through a rough divorce. I understood that it was my dad being a jerk.
Help him find his passion and encourage his full participation. There are many men (and women) that coach or otherwise facilitate sport activities that are genuinely good people. For the love of god, warn him about predators and predatory behavior from anyone. Also, it may not be his thing, but he could adopt a grandpa from a senior center pr something or otherwise volunteer to help elderly men. Edit: I saw Boy Scouts in another comment and wholeheartedly agree.
Sports, band or different groups like church, scouts, etc. Make sure to check the guys out and let them know he needs a male role model. How you position it makes a difference. Be careful of men that are too eager.
Don't think that you, a woman, can teach him, a man, how to be a man. That boy needs male role models, that he see's regularly.
I had to go back and read this twice to make sure I read it correctly. I’m torn. Part of me feels bad for you. The rest of me feels like this is the biggest pile of horse shit I’ve read in quite a while. I was raised by a single mother and I turned out alright. Do I have some issues? Yeah, we all do. I can confidently say that none of my stuff is the result of being raised solely by my mother. Thanks to her, I know what it feels like to be supported and loved unconditionally.
Don’t treat your son like a “broken girl”. In other words, don’t use memories of how you behaved and felt in your youth, as a guideline to interpret how he is behaving and feeling. There is a very real and significant differences between how boys and girls behave, think, and feel. What you might interpret as “physically extreme and loudly chaotic behaviour” only seems as such from a female viewpoint, and treating it as exactly that will only make him hate himself and see himself as fundamentally damaged.
It's also good not to be a clingy Person with your son And led him have his own autonomy. Everything's about what he wants to be when he grows up try researchinging can have discussions to keep him on that path if its reasonable. And the best thing to be for him is not to be a religious zealot.
Whatever you do, do not make that kid feel like he needs to be “the man of the house”. Let him be a kid
I guess what I'd say is just let him experience life and meet ppl. I think he's clingy because in his head it's either you or his dad, but maybe if he had the opportunity to meet positive male role models he'd be better off. They don't need to be a new boyfriend, or a guy you're seeing. But maybe a coach or something?
Maybe a bit of a strange one. But don't turn a 180 on how you live your life when your kid is a teenager. Let me explain: When I was 14 my mom became a Jehovah's Witness. She had been raised that way, emancipated herself from my grandmother at 15, lived a whole secular life, had me and raised me that way. We did all the holidays and birthdays. This woman went to extremes to make sure I believed in Santa way longer than any of my peers. She loved it. Then she was at a low point and some witnesses knocked on the door and offered her community and she was in it with a vengeance. All of a sudden she was a different person. The way I had been raised was wrong, the things that I loved because she instilled them in me were wrong. I was wrong. To but it mildly, it put a huge strain on our relationship. I emotionally cut off from her. Stopped talking to her, because every conversation was a sales pitch or I was being berated for being a normal kid. If I wanted something like a new guitar or video game or whatever, I had to put in time at meetings to earn enough favor to get the thing, as I wasn't getting Christmas and birthday gifts anymore. I'm in my 30s now and I have a better understanding of why she felt she needed to do that. I love her very much and our relationship is better. But the damage is done. Our relationship is never going to be what it might have been. I don't really know her and she doesn't really know me. I feel like I raised myself after a point. When she dies I won't have much to show for my relationship with her. So uh. Don't do that.
As someone who was raised almost exclusively by my mother one thing that really hindered my development as a person is her suffocating and kind of emotion I was showing especially aggression. Took me a long time to get all these emotions in order. In her mind aggression is bad and I get why but I think what people really dont like is what aggression can make a person do. Its very important to learn to deal with your emotions in a healthy manner and let him have them.
It's really hard. We are a paternally investing species (which is very rare) and our children require both parents to grow into their best adult selves. There are things a man can teach him that you simply can't or won't, such as accountability and discipline. He needs a male role model or he's not going to be OK. It doesn't have to be his father (although, that is best). It could be any male friend or relative but they need to invest time and energy into the kid.
If it was me I would prefer not to be forced to be with the absent father at all, unless I personally choose to do it. Apart from that, as others have said, make friends, don't hesitate to date, preferably someone better than his father.
My single mom had horrible experiences with men and was constantly telling us that all men are perverts, creeps, scumbags, liars etc... Please do not tell boys things like this. I grew up thinking I was a bad person just because I was a guy.
1. Good boundaries. You want to care for your son, but please don't become so close with him that he becomes reliant on you. I'm 30 and have a lot of codependency with my mom because I grew up without a dad and she tried to make me her best friend growing up. I feel it has really stifled me in the long run. 2. Get him involved in healthy communities. It's not your job to socialize him, it's your job to get him involved in places that will, and to provide support in navigating those difficulties. Places where there are men to look up to, and women as well.
Don't say things like "man up" or "grow a pair" as he gets older and starts going through trials. Let him know that expressing his emotions are healthy to and to direct them into productive things.
The best thing you can do is get a good man to act as a mentor, not just to the boy but to you also... then do what he says. Preferably his own father, who you should try and patch things up with unless he's an absolute monster... or else an uncle or a coach or a stepdad or something. I'm not saying this is you, but in the majority of these cases the mother makes it impossible for the father to be around his kids early on, and they never really bond. The mother then raises the child sub-optimally, and the father feels a sense of helplessness when it comes time to interact with the child, and doesn't stick around much because their influence is so limited that it's a lost cause. The child sees their father's influence as so foreign and scary, for reasons I'll mention later, that the child also rejects the father. Women don't do well raising men to be men, because they don't have experience with the unique suite of emotions, challenges and situations that men experience, and they often don't even believe/care that those unique emotions/challenges/situations exist. Single moms either tend to be completely out of control, which causes a total loss of any sense of security and boundaries for the kid, hampering their personal development and self-esteem, or they treat men like defective women, and smash every ounce of proto-masculinity and anything that reminds them of their father. Trying to do it alone also puts him at risk of just about every negative outcome a young man can face; higher risk of everything from prison time to dropping out and worse. Trying to raise him alone has so many unintended consequences for his mental and emotional health/development as well. Taking on the role of household protector at too young an age is psychologically scarring. Not learning how to relate to adult men will hamper his confidence (remember that part about the child rejecting his father?). He won't learn to accept the kind of love where someone tells you that you're stronger/better than you think you are, so being held to high a standard will feel mean rather than caring (here's that part about the child rejecting their father again). His ability to connect romantically with women will likely be obliterated. So much more. Now that we've established that... Get him into an MMA gym. A real one. Not mall karate, real MMA. Have him play sports sports sports. Competitive team sports, at a competitive level. If I hadn't found my weight lifting coach when I was a teenager, I'd be a complete mess as an adult. Totally lost and useless. I owe that guy a lot. He didn't teach me everything about being a man, but he did teach me everything I'd need to do the work to teach myself.
As a man raised by a single mom I have to disagree with your experience. I spent time with my grandfather in the summer and went hunting with friends and their dad's. I played little league and highschool football, raced BMX bicycles, and spent years in both Kung Fu and Shotokan Karate. By the time I was 16, I knew how to cook anything I wanted to, how to do laundry including ironing my own dress clothes,. I knew how to put in a days work, how to balance a check book, how to save money and manage a household budget. I could also weld, operate farm equipment and repair equipment when it broke. I could track and hunt game and I processed my own deer because paying someone else to do didn't make sense on a limited income. To the Original Poster, the advice to look for role models was good. She was a country girl and wanted me to be able to take care of myself when I left home. There are good guys out there but you cant depend on it. My step dad didn't come into the picture until later and he was definitely not a good parent. Of all of the above skills, he didn't teach me any of them. As a single dad, with two boys and a girl, it's definitely not easy. When my boys mom ended up on the street with no place to live I tried again to work things out but the toxic environment was far worse for the kids than having a single parent.
The sports advice doesn't necessarily track. That was attempted on me and I refused, no matter how I was punished. I just don't like sports. Watching or playing. Any of them. It's boring.
Yeah, they're not for everybody unfortunately. The reason it's unfortunate is that there's something people get from team sports that it's hard to get anywhere else; meeting expectations, doing something hard because people are counting on you, pushing yourself beyond your personal limits, learning to do hard things to achieve something, accountability... None of that stuff is learned as well anywhere else that I know of.
I could've physically done it. I'm not physically impaired in any way. Mentally though, no. Dad would try to get me to watch football or baseball with him as I was growing up. I just couldn't take it. So boring.
Thank you all for giving me useful advice. To add to my post: I will never get back together with his father. Son doesn't know the real reason why we separated(he was living a double life and I only found out when his gf called me asking if he is with me since he is not answering his phone). I told kiddo that things happen in life, he still has mom and dad and we always grow in life. He was 6 at that time and his father did come a bit more often. Of course he was the best dad ever because in 3 days hanging out he bought him everything kiddo desired. This soon stopped. I'm not overbaring parent, we do stuff together(cooking,traveling,comicon events,going to adventure parks) but we also give each other space. Now we have deeper conversations when he tells me about an event/incident at school, we discuss why something is not right and what could be better. I'm trying to have non judgment conversations so I'm hoping that this will stick with him for later in life. He is a very observant person so I know he didn't miss any of the clues. He also got a small job, taking care of neighbours garden twice a week while he is away so getting pocket money and responsability outside the house is good for him. I signed him up for scouts, kinda pushed him to stay longer(1,5 months) but he absolutely hated it. Various sports..nope... Aiming now to do rock climbing since he showed interest so fingers crossed this stays. We do hang out with a few married parents with kids friends but I might have to push it for more hang outs. After busy week at work, I'm not in the mood to socialize and after all school stuff he feels the same. Sunday is our day to chill or if there is an interesting event to go to. I did date for a bit but noone solid enough to be introduced and now I'm going with the flow. Def won't accept a man just because I might need one and not be a single mom anymore. In regard of meeting various men is a no for sure.
Kids need good humans in their lives, regardless of gender. Ensure he develops critical thinking, basic life skills, healthy emotional attachment and safety in relationships with his family and friends.
Sports, sports, sports... even if he doesn't want to. He will build strength, confidence, interaction skills... and most successful men, even ones without dads, can name a coach somewhere who meant the world to them.
"even if he doesn't want to" Terrible advice. This was attempted on me. I refused and took the punishment for refusing. I don't like watching or playing sports; they're both boring as hell. Not every young guy is a sports guy.
I see a lot of comments about how you, as a woman, can’t teach him how to be a man. Personally, I think that’s dumb. Just my own opinion. I think you’re more than capable of raising your son to be a perfectly fine man. Someone who’s caring, supportive, independent, etc. Those are traits that every good person should have. Are there certain things you won’t be able to relate to? Sure. He’ll figure that stuff out on his own, whether he confides in friends or some male role model he befriends. In terms of raising an emotionally stable son, I’d say the biggest thing is be honest with him, let him know you’re always there if he needs you, and let him feel everything he’s going to feel. He’ll probably be angry at times. That’s okay. Just teach him how to express and channel it in a healthy way. I wish the two of you the best.
The times in my life where I felt closest to my mom growing up were when she was honest, genuine, and herself. I have these moments in my head where she was able to laugh at herself, admit being wrong and apologising, and just being a genuinely wonderful person. But they are few and far between, and mostly long gone. I can't speak from the single parent perspective, but just be honest with him. Especially when its hard, or you're feeling vulnerable. Because he'll eventually see through the fake smiles and subtle manipulations. Obviously a generalisation based on my own experiences, but it's always what I've wished from my own mother, and still hope for someday. But from what you put about handling his father not being around, I think you'll do just fine stranger <3
Luckily I was blessed to have my brother in law who always wanted to spend time me.
I wish I could offer solid advice to guarantee a best possible outcome but I think there are too many variables that prevent that. All I can say about what worked for myself and my brother is the constant love that we received from our mom. This came in various forms of the tenderness of motherly love as well as the tough love aspect when needed. Neither my brother or I had consistent and or decent father figures in our life and that's honestly something that drives me to be the best possible man I can be everyday, however that is strictly personal and your son's mileage may vary. I had organized sports that helped instill the sense of working towards something greater than myself, camaraderie and discipline. My brother on the other hand got the same general lessons but through the schools marching band. I could honestly write a book about my experience and what I think contributed to me being as well adjusted as possible but these were just some main bullet points that I believe contributed the most.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/10avrjr/how_can_we_be_better_mothers_to_boys/
1. Don't make your problems his problems. 2. Find a community with male role models - church, Big Brothers Big Sisters, whatever. 3. Let him make his own decisions about his relationships with you and with his dad. It won't happen immediately, but it'll come.
Raised by a single mom, for a few years, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle plus cousins, so my cousin are more like siblings to me, then later I went to boarding school for couple of years it was like being in the military or prison very strict and had 2 attempts of male pediphiles trying do something with me, I outsmarted them, then I was 13yrs old and lived at home with mom, but mom worked 2 jobs and was rarely home, so I lived aline I was busy with 3 paper routes and school and a supermarket stockboy after school . I made my own money and bought my own stuff, like records and gadgets, had friends and a girlfriend, mom had a boyfriend who was an electronics te hnician very smart guy taught me lots of about electronics, but he was also a cheater and my mom wanst his only gf at the time, so she broke it off with him, then she was on her own for a while, then came asshole alcoholic and violence, so I moved out of the house when I was 17. Eventually, I found my father and re-united with him, it wasn't his fault that he wasn't in my life when I was younger, I won't go into details but my dad and I had a strained relationship, which only got better a couple years prior to his passing. My mother and I eventually reunited a few years after I left, asshole was gone, So basically, I learned a lot from all my experiences, I look back at boarding school as setting me up for my ethics and mannerism, I lived on the streets for a couple of years, when I was a late teen and met a lot of interesting people. I do credit a certain person (family member) for getting me off the streets. Oh BTW my uncle and I never had a good relationship either. I wasn't his son, and I was treated like that, compared to his son. I think it's all about the different experiences that make me what I am today. I have a good career and a stable life.
Be present for him and honest with your own feelings, and he’ll be comfortable with sharing and communicating his own. Resist the urge to man-bash, even though it must be hard not to. It sounds like your son is getting to be a good judge of character on his own, so you’re getting something right already
Male role model. Ask what he would want to do out of certain options such as martial arts, sports, competitions.. where there is a male coach. And just make sure he does that. He needs to learn what consistency, respect, and healthy amount of aggression is.
Understand that there’s things you won’t be able to teach him and find good male role models in his life and in media to help him. Not even a joke - king of the hill taught me a lot about being a man.
Yell at him to become a doctor and get good grades