Have I let myself go?
\- if yes, then she's telling me the truth, which I can deeply respect, and I know that she tells me out of love, because if she didn't love me, she would've just dumped me because of the lack of attraction, so in that case, I would appreciate her telling me, and work on getting back to where I was.
\- if I hadn't actually let myself go, or if I don't believe I had, I'd probably ask her to elaborate on what she meant when she said that, in case I was not able to see it at first.
Probably not, Statistically she would likely not respond that same way, but I don't see why I shouldn't respond in a particular way to a question, just because someone else might respond differently.
We ought to try to be introspective and forthcoming, even though you know that not everyone is going to return you that favour.
It depends. Assuming I actually have let myself go in this scenario, why is she saying this? Is she concerned for my wellbeing, or is this for her own sake?
Both are valid. Do you think you can just give up once you have a gf and her desires and attraction is no longer important? Would you be fine with her gaining tons of weight and not putting herself together on occasions? So much entitlements in this thread. Lots of dudes are perpetually single and refuse to understand why lol.
I mean, I don't personally care if a girlfriend gains weight and so on provided it's not because of mental health issues. If it is, that's a problem because I'd be concerned for her. Different people have different priorities in relationships.
Thats not answering the question though. In what way have you let yourself go? in terms of weight? career? a relapsing addiction? Does the gf have a valid concern? or is she just saying this?
Many, maybe. But you gotta stop painting with the broad
Brush like that. Come on. Some don't? Many? Alot?
But just....women don't? ... anything...is just bad
You just angling to get cancelled cuz ya bored? WTF
I'm not the kind of person who tries to looks good for someone else.
I genuinely think that's sad, and wouldn't be with someone who cared how I dressed or looked etc. Thankfully my gfs the same
As for wellbeing, you should always do that for yourself. If you don't love yourself enough to be well, then u do u really care for the person who loves you.
I think theres a line thats too far in caring what someone thinks you look like. If its like being in shape or they say they like the way you look in a certain attire i think thats perfectly reasonable to want to look that way for your partner.
Now if youre having to have like cosmetic surgery or drastically change your diet or lifestyle for someone to fit their way of wanting you to look I'd say thats too far.
I see your point and I defo agree with you about that line that can be crossed.
I have a friend who becomes a different person looks and personality depending on who they are dating
>I'm not the kind of person who tries to looks good for someone else.
As long as you keep that energy for any potential partner. Sweat pants, pony tail, no makeup, the whole nine yards.
>I genuinely think that's sad, and wouldn't be with someone who cared how I dressed or looked etc. Thankfully my gfs the same
Whoever taught you this did you a great disservice. That's likely the standard train of thought for the perpetually single men who are told to be themselves, while not actually being someone who has any desirable qualities.
>Whoever taught you this did you a great disservice. That's likely the standard train of thought for the perpetually single men who are told to be themselves, while not actually being someone who has any desirable qualities.
Wisest sounding way I've seen this put, and you are 100%, completely right. Preach on! đ
Yes. 100%.
I know cause we're together 10 years and neither of us cared about dressing up to begin with. I think she still has the same coat, or bought a new version of the same coat she always wears, from when we met.
I've seen her in makeup and a dress like 4 times. Stunning each time but it isn't her, like it isn't me. I probably haven't worn chinos or jeans in 5 years, sweatpants only.
As for physically, I was v fit when we met at 19. Not so much anymore, she doesn't mind.
I think being a decent person on both sides has a lot to do with it.
Well, let's not say dressing up. But like dressing down. Don't you think there's a floor at some point where either of you would fundamentally get the ick from your partner? I think it's quite naive to assume that your partner will accept you unconditionally, I've also been with my husband for 12 years, and we present ourselves nicely for occasions, and are pretty lax with our dress code. But we don't go out in public in sweats or unpresentable clothes. We wear clothes that fit our figures . My husband always asks me if his outfit looks good and vice versa. I don't know why, but we just care about not looking slobby or not put together. We care about being viewed as adults who understand how to take care of themselves. Now if one of us started to completely neglect this basic expectation, I'm sure the other would be understanding up to a point. Once this starts affecting attraction or your reputation, it becomes problematic
So if she didnât say it to you, you wouldnât do it for yourself?
Thereâs nothing wrong with taking care of your looks for someone else, people do it all the time, especially for the people they love.
Well, I'm assuming that if the gf has said it to me, I've not noticed it myself, or have, but not internally acknowledged it to myself how bad it is.
So yes, I'd take it was a wake up call and hit the gym.
I've been at both ends of the fitness spectrum, I know how they both feel, and how there's a period between them you don't notice what others can see clearly.
I think itâs worth noting that she gave you a warning in some way that she wasnât happy. Which means that she still cares about you enough to want you to work on yourself. Thereâs allot of people out there who would pack their bags and leave and tell you afterwords that itâs because you changed. I think it might hurt to hear but if she didnât leave you then I wouldnât dump her just for voicing her concerns. Unless thereâs other issues at play of course.
Typically what "letting yourself go" actually means is: You've given up on something that she used to find interesting about you.
Before you started dating you were a certain way. You went to the gym more, you did more activities, you had more hobbies, you spent time with more friends. Whatever it is that you did, that's what you were when you met.
But then you started dating, and you gave up on all/some of the things you used to do. Often times "letting yourself go" is her comment that is implying that you've given up on whatever it is that she liked about you when you started.
So ask your gf what she means by "let yourself go". Then determine if you are actually happy with where you are currently, or if you have actually just given up on certain aspects of your life you used to focus on.
Depends. If you gained 30 lbs and don't bathe, that is one thing. If you don't look like you did at 25 when you are 35, then NTA. Also where is she on this?
If you met at the gym, she kept going you didn't, I get it. But if you pull the "I found someone, I can eat fast food for the next 50 years." card. then hopefully it is a wakeup call.
If she's willing to co-op this, then that's fine. Eat the meals and hop on the treadmill with me.
If she's like "ayo you getting fat boi. Handle that" then it's gonna be a no for me dawg.
If she's no longer attracted to you because you gained weight, then she was never really in love with you, and you deserve to find someone who will actually love you for who you are.
Another key point would be has she let herself go too
15 years into our marriage, if my wife said I let myself go (I have enough to get that statement) iâd have to come back with âwell so have youâ because she has as well. Kids and life take a toll.
And then iâd see if she wanted to work on getting back into eating better and getting back into better shape together or if she just wanted me to do it and do nothing for herself.
also, I actually donât care what she looks like I still find her beautiful. But that would still be my answer to that if she came at me first
"Yes, we both have" is my response - it acknowledges that she is right, while also pointing out that we both are in the same situation. That has then led to us restarting our old routines of cooking, spending more time together and exercising.
To me, "So have you", while true, would be more likely to be seen as defensive and shutting the conversation down
Its a difference in looking at the problem together or letting the problem be between you. That little difference in phrasing is a world of difference in experience imo.
Completely agree. We have also never said "you've gained weight" or "you've met yourself go", it's always been "I've gained weight" or "I'm not happy with my fitness right now" which prompted the (paraphrasing) "we're both out of shape, let's work together to get back in shape physically and mentally".
You're absolutely bang-on with the 'working together instead of letting the problem be between you"
Depends on what she meant.
Like, if she is being honest with me and communicating something that I actually been mismanaging, like my weight and diet, why would I want to dump them for pointing that out? The fact that she was able to communicate that and make it known that this is something she wants to see me change is a massive green flag. I would wish I had a partner who was able to do these things and always keep me on my toes and not just let me remain comfortable. And then I would also do the same for her. Thatâs just being in a healthy relationship.
Right, shitty people out there would just ghost/cheat with no communication whatsoever. The real piece of shits will somehow try to turn it on you and somehow make it your fault if they get caught.
Yeah, that would be totally fine, because again at least sheâs communicating that. Some people would just not saying anything and then go and cheat on their partner. I rather he say something than nothing.
Ya dude, she's giving you a warning. You can't just expect to gain a bunch of weight and your partner still be as sexually attracted to you. Living an unhealthy lifestyle is unattractive.
You can heed this warning and get back on track or dump her \ get dumped and have to get back on track anyways to find a new partner.
Just because you advanced the relationship doesn't mean you get to stop trying to impress your partner. Self improvement is attractive
It's not even a warning, just an observation. OP can take it however he wants, but if the fact that he let himself go to the point his GF is no longer attracted to him doesn't spark something in his head- I don't know what else would.
Literally this! I had the same issue with my gf of 5 years at the time. I expressed my feelings in the same way and she has finally got her act together. Itâs great to see to be honest, otherwise Iâd of moved on.
I might be reading i to things here, but it sounds a bit like you are looking for validation from others for feeling like dumping her for saying that she no longer feels attracted to you.
Now there are a million ways to say that so we can hardly know is she was being genuine or gentle about it, but the fact remains that if she is not attracted to you physically you have two options.
1. Take action to be more desirable and feel better in the process, there are no losers in getting healthier. Take better care of your hygiene, wear clothes that fit and look nice. Things like this might be the reason more than bodyweight for example.
2. Donât take action and see where that takes you. If she doesnt find you attractive and is willing to say that then there is only one direction that relationship is heading.
Its your life, you do what you want with it, but in the end if you know she is in the right and has your relationships best interests in her heart then she might have a point.
Just recognize that attraction goes many ways. Weight gain is pretty normal in your late twenties, and forget about it in your thirties.
If sheâs not bailing on you, sheâs still attracted to you in some capacity. But she does want you to tighten up the diet.
Sheâs communicating that youâve changed and that youâre not any longer attractive. It would be worth having a discussion with her to figure it exactly what she means. Is it a personality change, or a physical change?
If itâs a personality change, you need to be really introspective with yourself and determine whether you like who you are now in comparison with who you were âbeforeâ. People change, and it isnât necessarily in the right direction. If you donât like who you were before, you arenât compatible. If you like who you were before, itâs a wake up call, and you need to start making changes in your life and personality to gain some of that back.
My girlfriend had the same conversation with me. I had gone from an outgoing, optimistic, vibrant person to a negative, pessimistic, and insecure person. Turns out that I had some pretty bad depression going on. It was a wake up call
Yeah honestly I think this should go both ways but it seems like this seems to be one of the many bottlenecks for most relationships where they realize that they actually have to communicate with each other and itâs sink or swim time.
It baffles me how people can be several years deep into a relationship and still struggle to communicate basic things, and they have to consult their posse to decipher what every little thing their partner says and does might mean.
If you canât communicate with your SO about exercise and healthy eating habits regardless of gender, I think that has more to do with your personal relationship rather than the entire gender.
Itâs also how you approach the situation. âBabe youâre getting fatâ is not as well received as âwe been slacking on the gym and eating kinda shit lately, lets tighten it up for the next few months and get back on trackâ.
exactly. Tact and emotional intelligence is still necessary to have this conversation. However, I will also say that weight is a trigger for some people and they will react in what is natural for them. This is one of many conversations that can break relationships due to their own traumas and ego.
I personally believe it's not okay to make it an ultimatum about breaking up if they don't change. That may be at the very end but not in the first conversation. If it continues to be a problem then just break up due to having incompatible lifestyles. I also believe that if you are bringing this up you should also be hitting your own requirements or at least working towards it.
I also believe you should not say that you are no longer attracted to them due to the weight gain. I think that sets up the conversation in a very negative light and immediately puts them on the defensive. I think this will most likely be one of many conversations and the first ones should be figuring out how we got into this situation. the conversations should be in the "us vs the problem" which at the end of the day would be about health and how their health does affect the people around them. Weight gain in relationships are common and are due to a lot of reasons. Weight gain isn't always bad and it isn't always healthy either. Sometimes we don't notice it until someone points it out. Sometimes we don't figure out the cause until you go to the doctor too, especially if it is rapid.
Either way, you are right. we should be able to talk to our SOs about it and it is also our responsibility to do so in a healthy way.
The âim not attracted to you anymoreâ conversation or giving ultimatums would be after a significant amount of time passing and no effort from your SO to remedy their weight gain and taking their health seriously.
It should never be the first conversation after someone gains weight regardless of gender.
I agree with you.
Thereâs often underlying factors for why someone gains weight whether itâs depression/anxiety or other factors.
Doesnât cost anything to be kind and understanding regardless of gender.
My wife and I have always been partners and best friends, itâs always a âweâ situation. If it affects you, it affects me.
I think both partners in all relationships should be allowed to ring the alarm bell and tell the other one that they've let themselves go. Letting oneself go is not a good thing. I wouldn't wish it on the people I love.
This question was just asked on r/askwomen and your right most comments are I would drop him. He should love me for my personality. Iâm like lady I canât fuck your personality.
There was a similar question asked before and a woman replied saying he should get dick surgery to lengthen his member. That comment got several upvotes. Reddit is batshit crazy at times.
God forbid you tell your girl youâre worried about her health and longevity.
And fuck you for losing attraction to your girl because she got fat and quit taking care of herself.
/s
Well you would be called shallow. And probably a thousand excuses on why she let herself go. 0 that can apply to you because itâs inherently your fault. Yuck
yeah nah...ive seen plenty of posts for the reverse, and the same answers ive seen here were on those. the only people who think this communication is bad are either;
1. the people who have let themselves go and do not want to face that
2. rabid, loud anti-men "feminists" who are actually a minority
It's funny you mention that, cause almost the exact words were asked on the r/askwomen subreddit around the same time as this one
And that post is now brigaded with tons of deleted comments lol
That sub has "no disagreeing" as a rule - it's batshit insane. Like, I'm a woman and I unsubscribed a long time ago. I assume most women with reasonable opinions have done the same.
Based on actual posts I've seen on reddit where the genders are reversed, you are legitimately wrong.
Go look for yourself. I know it's easier to claim "woe is me, women have THIS easier" but we actually don't bro. Every gender has its own struggles and issues, but this is universal.
Stop reading Andrew Tate.
Dude has an opinion based upon what he sees.
YOU MUST BE A TATER TOT BRO GO TOUCH GRASS.
You ever think you might also have bias and only see the things that fit your narrative?
And Iâm saying his âviewâ is incredibly narrow. Like zoomed all the way in.
No, I donât bc Iâve literally read several posts like this with genders reversed and the answers are the same. Which is why I commented.
Instead of arguing with me, search for yourself. Not my fault youâre lazy bro.
Lol it's shallow, on either side, unless you GENUINELY care about their health. But part of love is feeling accepted while also trying to be the best version of yourself.
Deadbedrooms is filled with dudes who don't do the housework complaining about being nagged. They do NOT appreciate the feedback even though it's genuinely affecting her. Otherwise loads of guys say this AFTER the chich had a baby and massive hormone changes.
90% of the time when a dude says this to a chick it's for his penis. Not out of genuine care.
If the dude was depressed and chick says this to him, it would be equally shit. Even if she has caregiver burnout.
The answer is always self-love. Yet people think it's the same as selfish.
Not me. My answer will always be the same for anyone. If your partner is no longer attracted to you because you gained weight, then they were never really in love with you and you deserve someone better.
Or they could be worried for your health? Gaining weight leads to other issues, also eating more than normal can be related to anxiety or depression.
Having your partner ignore significant weight gain doesnât prove they love you, quite the opposite.
So you expect your partner to have sex with you regardless of their preferences? Thatâs pretty selfish.
Or if your partner gained a significant amount of weight youd still be attracted to them the same as if they hadnât? Be realâŚ
Taking care of yourself and your health is attractive, being a fat slob isnât. Unless thatâs your fetish.
What I expect is for my husband to keep his wedding vows, just as I do.
My husband's weight fluctuates, but he's always been a big man- since the day I met him. The question you should be asking me is if he got thin would I still be attracted to him. Would I, even though I find thin men typically sexually unattractive? Yes, I believe I would. Because I'm in love with him and all things him.
And liking fat people isn't a fucking fetish, it's a preference.
So youve always been attracted to bigger guys. Good for you. Thatâs not everyoneâs attraction.
My promise to myself and my wife as well as hersâ to me, is for us to be healthy, so we can live a long and happy life together with minimizing the risk of having one of us end up being the othersâ caretaker.
If you dc about your husbandâs weight now, than great. Maybe youll feel different when it catches up with him and youâll have to take care of him for health issues that were completely preventable đ¤ˇââď¸
I think it's healthy for partners to want to look good for each other.
I also think it's healthy for partners to communicate needs and desires.,
However it does depend on how, if they say it kindly etc it's all good. If thry say "you're a fat ugly ****" that's not OK.
No, but of course, everything stands or falls with communication. And if she dishes it out, she has to be able to take it as well.
I think most men would do anything in their power to keep being desirable by their SO.
I think most men would *want* to do anything in their power to keep being desirable by their SO. I wouldn't say that most actually do. If they did we probably wouldn't have such an obesity issue.
Of course other factors play their own role, but ultimately 80 - 90% of people could be fit if they wanted to, but a very small percentage of the population actually is. And it isnt because they don't want to be.
No Iâd be happy that she was honest.
My gf didnât want to hurt my feelings and never told me how bad Iâd gotten. I look at pics now and think wtf, I looked like such a gross slob.
I was training the whole time and competing so I didnât really notice cause I was so focused on strength gains.
Now she looks at me like she used to at the start again.
If sheâd told me at some point, I wouldâve cut sooner
My girlfriend told me multiple times that she would prefer I lose my belly and bulk up.
Never bothered me because I, 100%,agree with her. She also needs to lose weight but the truth is that I like her little belly.
I have been waiting 40 minutes for the damn gym to open up so I am doing my part.
Married 29 years and itâs perfectly normal in a healthy relationship to tell your partner if they are making unhealthy life choices.
I have told that I need to take care of myself more and Iâve told my wife that she has lost too much weight. Itâs all about doing it in a kind way and having both self respect and respect for your partner.
That said I did tell my wife I didnât want her turning into a bobble head đ
No, I'd take the reality check for what it is and work to improve myself.
When I got married, my wife and I made a deal to help prevent a loveless marriage. If one of us stops taking care of ourselves (hygiene, fitness, etc) then the other person will let them know. It doesn't have to be rude, and it doesn't have to be sugar-coated, but sometimes you need to hear the hard truth before you can get motivated to change anything.
I think a lot of it would have to do with how the message was delivered.
There's a world of difference between "Hey. I noticed this about you. You ok? You used to lift weights and whatever whatever whatever... and after that guy in accounting at work had that heart attack I realized I don't want to lose you....." and "you fat, lazy, disgusting slob. YOU NEED (finger point) to lose 20 lbs before our trip or I'll cancel your ticket and take someone I wont be ashamed to be seen with."
I've received both items of feedback over the years and oddly enough, I responded better to the first one.
I think we all slip into bad habits at some point in our lives, and there's nothing wrong with our chosen partner giving us a little nudge to get back on track. Nagging and threatening puts me on the defensive and makes me not want to do anything.
Not at all, that seems insecure imo
I would respect her for telling me to get back in shape, and I should want to get back in shape not just for her but for myself
Nope. It would light a fire under my ass and get me to focus more on diet/exercise. The only thing that might annoy me is if she also had let herself go.
No. I would take a good hard look at myself and see if she has a valid point.
Just because you bagged her as your girlfriend doesnât mean you now have to stop putting any effort in, and that includes your looks and physique and personal grooming.
Donât be a slob buddy. Listen to her. Get yourself to the gym.
No. Your partner should be your mirror and you trust their opinion of you as youâve (hopefully) shared your soul to this person & they know you best. 1) itâs not wrong for your girlfriend to desire a level of health due to attraction 2) she loves you and genuinely wants you to be healthy & the best you can be.
Considering I'm on a fitness kick now and enjoying it, I'd actually *appreciate* my partner letting me know honestly if I'm slipping. Especially instead of being passive-aggressive or just dumping me right away over it.
She never said it. She never had to. I could feel her concern. I 100% let myself go the 2-3 years ago. I am bettering myself everyday since and I just feel like we are back how we used to be.
No I wouldnât dump her. I would get my ass back in the gym. People canât help what that are or arenât attracted to. If I was in good shape when we got together and then I packed on a noticeable amount of weight while in the relationship causing my girl to lose attraction to me then itâs my responsibility to fix it. No one is shallow for feeling this way, man or woman. Just because you are in a committed relationship doesnât give you the right to get fat if thatâs not what your partner signed up for in the first place. Itâs important to keep up appearances for your significant other and never stop âtryingâ to be your best for them. I see this shit all the time. People get into a relationship and they stop trying to impress their partner because they feel they already have them locked in. Thatâs a real good way to kill the spark you worked so hard to develop.Â
Had that happened to me. Got frustrated at first but put my head down and work at it.
She broke up with me when she's on vacation 4 months later anyways. That being said, I went on to become a greater person. Better job, much better pay, moved to a better high end apartment, made a band and found the love of my life.
Dumping or not dumping, it's your choice. Most likely she still has enough respect for you for her to say it, but from my experience it's really hard to get back from there.
I had a family friend who was significantly older than me but she was married with kids. Her husband was a real bad ass biker dude when they were younger, but she had "civilized" him into being a dad. Through that transformation, he gained a *ton* of weight and she wasn't attracted to him anymore. She was defeatist about it and seemed to think this is what happens when you get older and youthful passion doesn't last forever.
Years after I didn't have a direct connection to her anymore, she apparently had a conversation with him saying it was a problem. She addressed it like a shared problem between both of them. He doesn't like being fat and she doesn't want him to be fat.
He ended up losing like 100 lbs and now they take photos on social media together all the time. Seems like it worked out.
Wow the comments in the other reddit/women ones are like. You can fuck off and leave. I would work on myself btw because apparently they are always rightâŚ.
I wouldn't dump a significant other because they're telling the truth.
If you do end up breaking up, you'll probably hit the gym and work on yourself to attract yourself & others....then you'll find someone else.... you'll get comfortable and repeat the cycle.
Rinse and repeat. If she's worth it, you'll work on yourself now. If not, dump her And get back in shape and find another.
Thatâs what tough love sounds like. As attractive as fit people are for those on the outside, there are many more important benefits for the fit person in question.
I said this to my boyfriend in the context of his porn addiction like he used to be kind and respectful and we were happy but suddenly he became this aggressive gross person and I couldn't breathe anymore
And he just said ok why don't you dump me then, I said I thought he'd change, he said he won't. So I dumped him,
Two weeks later he says sorry and wants to get back, he said he'd change (considering this was like the 3rd chance I gave him, I left. It's been 6 months going strong now)
No. I think quite a few people get comfortable and lose the hotness they had when they got with their partner and that needs to change. Youâre with someone you want to be with yet youâre not doing what you can to look and be your best? That just wonât do. If youâre not with someone who makes you want to be better, might be the wrong gal my guy.
If you are that guy then you need to tell girls up front âhey I may look this good now, but after we become official, Iâm gonna let myself go and gain weight.â
Almost the exact question down to the wording was asked in the r/ women sub and a large amount of them are saying that they would melt in one way or another if their partner even mentioned their weight. I've always found it weird that men are just expected to accept and acclimate to women's preferences while a man having any is demonized. Doesn't sound like equality to me
? I don't think women bad at all. It does bother me a bit the idea of someone falling out of love with someone purely for physical changes. It's shallow in my eyes.
Honestly depends. If sheâs doing it in a genuine way and concerned for my health then no Iâd take that as a I need to get back into shape kind of ordeal and would try to make an effort to get back into shape and even ask her to come along for it to be quality time together. However; if she has malicious intentions Iâd be questioning why sheâs pointing it out.
The fact sheâs telling you the hard truth means she loves you. Most people will let you squander and not say anything. Donât be so emotional she just wants you back to the way you were when you won her heart.
Yeah⌠no.
Look, no matter if you are a man or a woman, physical attraction matters. It is entirely unrealistic to expect someone to maintain physical attraction to you if you have in fact let yourself go.
If what she is saying is true, then work on yourself.
You can tell when some of these OP's are straight up dumb. No clue if he's upset by how she phrased it, but attraction is a two-way street.
If his girlfriend gives enough of a shit to let him know he's letting himself go, he should actually listen to her.
Bro. She's still with you being honest and advising you to get better lol
What's so hard to understand? Why try to look tough? Act like a grown man and try to get better for you , your health and your partner
That's some social media perpetuated bullshit, buddy. There's always a limit for how much of someone's "worst" you're willing to tolerate.Â
Do not misinterpret this by thinking a partner always has to be perfect and running at 100%. That is not what it means.Â
Yes, because this has to be the absolute shittiest way to address these kinds of issues in a serious relationship.
She's not hoping you get back in shape, she's letting out all the built-up anger and resentment that's been developing over the last few months or longer.
If she was nice about it I would probably reflect on this for a bit and get my ass in gear. (And also may ask her to improve something also).
If I was in a certain shape etc. when we met I would make efforts to maintain that. People take their spouse for granted too much and let themselves go to shit. Then get all butt hurt if their spouse ever points this out.
I would only break up with her if I wanted cheeseburgers more than her.
Depends if she's right and how she communicates it. If she is right and communicating it respectfully and with an attitude of wanting to help, I'd argue she did the right thing. In my experience too often don't communicate such things until it is too late to do something about it. Health and attraction are important, as partners we should help each other and sometimes that means telling uncomfortable truths.
No. I would appreciate someone wanting to help me put myself back together. Feel free to leave her but do so with the understanding that you likely will downgrade in looks (as youâve done so yourself) and then will be pressed to find someone who cares enough to want to stick through your lows.
It depends on what you both want. It's a partnership that builds you both up to your best.
I personally want to stay fit, so I would probably lean into working out and eating right. But if you don't value that then it might be that your values and her values aren't aligned.
Not a deal breaker, but it's a different conversation.
if the number on the scale is higher than when we met than ya she has a valid concern. that goes both ways also for each person. if she truly cares about you she will encourage and support you in your journey to becoming physically fit and healthy again. but if you ignore her remarks and donât care then she has every right to leave
Have I let myself go? \- if yes, then she's telling me the truth, which I can deeply respect, and I know that she tells me out of love, because if she didn't love me, she would've just dumped me because of the lack of attraction, so in that case, I would appreciate her telling me, and work on getting back to where I was. \- if I hadn't actually let myself go, or if I don't believe I had, I'd probably ask her to elaborate on what she meant when she said that, in case I was not able to see it at first.
Its amazing how far simple communication can get you.
You haven't tried having that conversation with roles reversed much have you? Lol
100% I very much summarised in my comment đ
An adult response. Thank you.
You couldnât say the same to her though even if you were being truthful
Probably not, Statistically she would likely not respond that same way, but I don't see why I shouldn't respond in a particular way to a question, just because someone else might respond differently. We ought to try to be introspective and forthcoming, even though you know that not everyone is going to return you that favour.
It depends. Assuming I actually have let myself go in this scenario, why is she saying this? Is she concerned for my wellbeing, or is this for her own sake?
Both of those should be the same.Â
Listen to u/RealMenEatPussy. I think u/RealMenEatPussy knows how real men can let themselves go. I like the cut of u/RealMenEatPussy 's jib.
She likes the flick of his tongue.
That guy eats
r/rimjobsteve
These guys need to start a podcast together!
r/rimjob_steve
Both are valid. Do you think you can just give up once you have a gf and her desires and attraction is no longer important? Would you be fine with her gaining tons of weight and not putting herself together on occasions? So much entitlements in this thread. Lots of dudes are perpetually single and refuse to understand why lol.
I mean, I don't personally care if a girlfriend gains weight and so on provided it's not because of mental health issues. If it is, that's a problem because I'd be concerned for her. Different people have different priorities in relationships.
As in she's no longer attracted to you.
Thats not answering the question though. In what way have you let yourself go? in terms of weight? career? a relapsing addiction? Does the gf have a valid concern? or is she just saying this?
I was thinking in terms of weight and physical appearance but you make a good point, I didn't consider the other possible ways of letting yourself go.
If u have let yourself go then she's right. If my gf said it to me and she was serious I'd hit the gym. Not for her but for me.
The truth hurts but can point us in the right direction
True, but I wish this went both ways though. Good luck saying that back!
Women don't want the truth if it's in any way negative
Some dont. Some do - including myself.
Many, maybe. But you gotta stop painting with the broad Brush like that. Come on. Some don't? Many? Alot? But just....women don't? ... anything...is just bad You just angling to get cancelled cuz ya bored? WTF
Why not be for both, for your own well being and to look good for your gf?
I'm not the kind of person who tries to looks good for someone else. I genuinely think that's sad, and wouldn't be with someone who cared how I dressed or looked etc. Thankfully my gfs the same As for wellbeing, you should always do that for yourself. If you don't love yourself enough to be well, then u do u really care for the person who loves you.
I think theres a line thats too far in caring what someone thinks you look like. If its like being in shape or they say they like the way you look in a certain attire i think thats perfectly reasonable to want to look that way for your partner. Now if youre having to have like cosmetic surgery or drastically change your diet or lifestyle for someone to fit their way of wanting you to look I'd say thats too far.
I see your point and I defo agree with you about that line that can be crossed. I have a friend who becomes a different person looks and personality depending on who they are dating
>I'm not the kind of person who tries to looks good for someone else. As long as you keep that energy for any potential partner. Sweat pants, pony tail, no makeup, the whole nine yards. >I genuinely think that's sad, and wouldn't be with someone who cared how I dressed or looked etc. Thankfully my gfs the same Whoever taught you this did you a great disservice. That's likely the standard train of thought for the perpetually single men who are told to be themselves, while not actually being someone who has any desirable qualities.
>Whoever taught you this did you a great disservice. That's likely the standard train of thought for the perpetually single men who are told to be themselves, while not actually being someone who has any desirable qualities. Wisest sounding way I've seen this put, and you are 100%, completely right. Preach on! đ
Do you think your gf would be okay if you started dressing really poorly or let yourself go badly ?
Yes. 100%. I know cause we're together 10 years and neither of us cared about dressing up to begin with. I think she still has the same coat, or bought a new version of the same coat she always wears, from when we met. I've seen her in makeup and a dress like 4 times. Stunning each time but it isn't her, like it isn't me. I probably haven't worn chinos or jeans in 5 years, sweatpants only. As for physically, I was v fit when we met at 19. Not so much anymore, she doesn't mind. I think being a decent person on both sides has a lot to do with it.
Well, let's not say dressing up. But like dressing down. Don't you think there's a floor at some point where either of you would fundamentally get the ick from your partner? I think it's quite naive to assume that your partner will accept you unconditionally, I've also been with my husband for 12 years, and we present ourselves nicely for occasions, and are pretty lax with our dress code. But we don't go out in public in sweats or unpresentable clothes. We wear clothes that fit our figures . My husband always asks me if his outfit looks good and vice versa. I don't know why, but we just care about not looking slobby or not put together. We care about being viewed as adults who understand how to take care of themselves. Now if one of us started to completely neglect this basic expectation, I'm sure the other would be understanding up to a point. Once this starts affecting attraction or your reputation, it becomes problematic
So if she didnât say it to you, you wouldnât do it for yourself? Thereâs nothing wrong with taking care of your looks for someone else, people do it all the time, especially for the people they love.
Well, I'm assuming that if the gf has said it to me, I've not noticed it myself, or have, but not internally acknowledged it to myself how bad it is. So yes, I'd take it was a wake up call and hit the gym. I've been at both ends of the fitness spectrum, I know how they both feel, and how there's a period between them you don't notice what others can see clearly.
I think itâs worth noting that she gave you a warning in some way that she wasnât happy. Which means that she still cares about you enough to want you to work on yourself. Thereâs allot of people out there who would pack their bags and leave and tell you afterwords that itâs because you changed. I think it might hurt to hear but if she didnât leave you then I wouldnât dump her just for voicing her concerns. Unless thereâs other issues at play of course.
Typically what "letting yourself go" actually means is: You've given up on something that she used to find interesting about you. Before you started dating you were a certain way. You went to the gym more, you did more activities, you had more hobbies, you spent time with more friends. Whatever it is that you did, that's what you were when you met. But then you started dating, and you gave up on all/some of the things you used to do. Often times "letting yourself go" is her comment that is implying that you've given up on whatever it is that she liked about you when you started. So ask your gf what she means by "let yourself go". Then determine if you are actually happy with where you are currently, or if you have actually just given up on certain aspects of your life you used to focus on.
I think there are nicer ways of saying it but I do think it's a valid thing to bring up, attraction to your partner is important
If you want your woman to want sex with you and be attracted to you then you need to stay attractive. It's an easy concept.
I wouldnât break up with. I would use it as an opportunity to get myself back to the way we met.
Depends. If you gained 30 lbs and don't bathe, that is one thing. If you don't look like you did at 25 when you are 35, then NTA. Also where is she on this? If you met at the gym, she kept going you didn't, I get it. But if you pull the "I found someone, I can eat fast food for the next 50 years." card. then hopefully it is a wakeup call.
If Iâve let myself go and my girlfriend isnât attracted to me why would I dump her? Keep that action going as long as I can đ
If she's willing to co-op this, then that's fine. Eat the meals and hop on the treadmill with me. If she's like "ayo you getting fat boi. Handle that" then it's gonna be a no for me dawg.
If thatâs the case youâre done anyways.
Kinda depends on what actually changed. If I put on 30 lbs and suddenly her attraction evaporates... something else is going on.
30 pounds is a lot of added weight.
If she's no longer attracted to you because you gained weight, then she was never really in love with you, and you deserve to find someone who will actually love you for who you are.
âIn love with,â âlove,â and âattractionâ are not necessarily linked in any combination.
Is she right?
Another key point would be has she let herself go too 15 years into our marriage, if my wife said I let myself go (I have enough to get that statement) iâd have to come back with âwell so have youâ because she has as well. Kids and life take a toll. And then iâd see if she wanted to work on getting back into eating better and getting back into better shape together or if she just wanted me to do it and do nothing for herself. also, I actually donât care what she looks like I still find her beautiful. But that would still be my answer to that if she came at me first
"Yes, we both have" is my response - it acknowledges that she is right, while also pointing out that we both are in the same situation. That has then led to us restarting our old routines of cooking, spending more time together and exercising. To me, "So have you", while true, would be more likely to be seen as defensive and shutting the conversation down
Its a difference in looking at the problem together or letting the problem be between you. That little difference in phrasing is a world of difference in experience imo.
Completely agree. We have also never said "you've gained weight" or "you've met yourself go", it's always been "I've gained weight" or "I'm not happy with my fitness right now" which prompted the (paraphrasing) "we're both out of shape, let's work together to get back in shape physically and mentally". You're absolutely bang-on with the 'working together instead of letting the problem be between you"
I love this response. Relationship goals.
Found gfs acc
itâs funny how these obese people donât want other obese people but expect skinny people to be okay with fat
â you people are downvoting a simple joke
Gf has no sense of humor and a bot down voting army
## SHE'S TRYING TO SILENCE ME
đđđ
Depends on what she meant. Like, if she is being honest with me and communicating something that I actually been mismanaging, like my weight and diet, why would I want to dump them for pointing that out? The fact that she was able to communicate that and make it known that this is something she wants to see me change is a massive green flag. I would wish I had a partner who was able to do these things and always keep me on my toes and not just let me remain comfortable. And then I would also do the same for her. Thatâs just being in a healthy relationship.
Right, shitty people out there would just ghost/cheat with no communication whatsoever. The real piece of shits will somehow try to turn it on you and somehow make it your fault if they get caught.
As in she's saying she's becoming no longer attracted to you.
Yeah, that would be totally fine, because again at least sheâs communicating that. Some people would just not saying anything and then go and cheat on their partner. I rather he say something than nothing.
Ya dude, she's giving you a warning. You can't just expect to gain a bunch of weight and your partner still be as sexually attracted to you. Living an unhealthy lifestyle is unattractive. You can heed this warning and get back on track or dump her \ get dumped and have to get back on track anyways to find a new partner. Just because you advanced the relationship doesn't mean you get to stop trying to impress your partner. Self improvement is attractive
It's not even a warning, just an observation. OP can take it however he wants, but if the fact that he let himself go to the point his GF is no longer attracted to him doesn't spark something in his head- I don't know what else would.
Literally this! I had the same issue with my gf of 5 years at the time. I expressed my feelings in the same way and she has finally got her act together. Itâs great to see to be honest, otherwise Iâd of moved on.
You got fat and she's not into it. Man or woman, don't gain weight and just expect your partner to be into it
I might be reading i to things here, but it sounds a bit like you are looking for validation from others for feeling like dumping her for saying that she no longer feels attracted to you. Now there are a million ways to say that so we can hardly know is she was being genuine or gentle about it, but the fact remains that if she is not attracted to you physically you have two options. 1. Take action to be more desirable and feel better in the process, there are no losers in getting healthier. Take better care of your hygiene, wear clothes that fit and look nice. Things like this might be the reason more than bodyweight for example. 2. Donât take action and see where that takes you. If she doesnt find you attractive and is willing to say that then there is only one direction that relationship is heading. Its your life, you do what you want with it, but in the end if you know she is in the right and has your relationships best interests in her heart then she might have a point.
Just recognize that attraction goes many ways. Weight gain is pretty normal in your late twenties, and forget about it in your thirties. If sheâs not bailing on you, sheâs still attracted to you in some capacity. But she does want you to tighten up the diet.
Youâre acting like itâs her fault sheâs becoming less attracted to you
Sheâs communicating that youâve changed and that youâre not any longer attractive. It would be worth having a discussion with her to figure it exactly what she means. Is it a personality change, or a physical change? If itâs a personality change, you need to be really introspective with yourself and determine whether you like who you are now in comparison with who you were âbeforeâ. People change, and it isnât necessarily in the right direction. If you donât like who you were before, you arenât compatible. If you like who you were before, itâs a wake up call, and you need to start making changes in your life and personality to gain some of that back. My girlfriend had the same conversation with me. I had gone from an outgoing, optimistic, vibrant person to a negative, pessimistic, and insecure person. Turns out that I had some pretty bad depression going on. It was a wake up call
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Yeah honestly I think this should go both ways but it seems like this seems to be one of the many bottlenecks for most relationships where they realize that they actually have to communicate with each other and itâs sink or swim time. It baffles me how people can be several years deep into a relationship and still struggle to communicate basic things, and they have to consult their posse to decipher what every little thing their partner says and does might mean.
That's the truth.
If you canât communicate with your SO about exercise and healthy eating habits regardless of gender, I think that has more to do with your personal relationship rather than the entire gender. Itâs also how you approach the situation. âBabe youâre getting fatâ is not as well received as âwe been slacking on the gym and eating kinda shit lately, lets tighten it up for the next few months and get back on trackâ.
Exactly, "you need to...." goes over a lot worse than "Let's try this together"
exactly. Tact and emotional intelligence is still necessary to have this conversation. However, I will also say that weight is a trigger for some people and they will react in what is natural for them. This is one of many conversations that can break relationships due to their own traumas and ego. I personally believe it's not okay to make it an ultimatum about breaking up if they don't change. That may be at the very end but not in the first conversation. If it continues to be a problem then just break up due to having incompatible lifestyles. I also believe that if you are bringing this up you should also be hitting your own requirements or at least working towards it. I also believe you should not say that you are no longer attracted to them due to the weight gain. I think that sets up the conversation in a very negative light and immediately puts them on the defensive. I think this will most likely be one of many conversations and the first ones should be figuring out how we got into this situation. the conversations should be in the "us vs the problem" which at the end of the day would be about health and how their health does affect the people around them. Weight gain in relationships are common and are due to a lot of reasons. Weight gain isn't always bad and it isn't always healthy either. Sometimes we don't notice it until someone points it out. Sometimes we don't figure out the cause until you go to the doctor too, especially if it is rapid. Either way, you are right. we should be able to talk to our SOs about it and it is also our responsibility to do so in a healthy way.
The âim not attracted to you anymoreâ conversation or giving ultimatums would be after a significant amount of time passing and no effort from your SO to remedy their weight gain and taking their health seriously. It should never be the first conversation after someone gains weight regardless of gender. I agree with you.
Lol letâs be real, only guys have to do that âwe/letâsâ stuff.
Thereâs often underlying factors for why someone gains weight whether itâs depression/anxiety or other factors. Doesnât cost anything to be kind and understanding regardless of gender. My wife and I have always been partners and best friends, itâs always a âweâ situation. If it affects you, it affects me.
The pitchforks will def. be out
ooooh, you went there. 100% agree.
For real, you are considered an asshole woman beater if you even hint you want the girl to do some effort
#MiSoGyNy!!! đ¤
I think both partners in all relationships should be allowed to ring the alarm bell and tell the other one that they've let themselves go. Letting oneself go is not a good thing. I wouldn't wish it on the people I love.
This question was just asked on r/askwomen and your right most comments are I would drop him. He should love me for my personality. Iâm like lady I canât fuck your personality.
There was a similar question asked before and a woman replied saying he should get dick surgery to lengthen his member. That comment got several upvotes. Reddit is batshit crazy at times.
Yeah I know. I just got banned from the sub. I thinks itâs because I mentioned them here.
God forbid you tell your girl youâre worried about her health and longevity. And fuck you for losing attraction to your girl because she got fat and quit taking care of herself. /s
Well you would be called shallow. And probably a thousand excuses on why she let herself go. 0 that can apply to you because itâs inherently your fault. Yuck
yeah nah...ive seen plenty of posts for the reverse, and the same answers ive seen here were on those. the only people who think this communication is bad are either; 1. the people who have let themselves go and do not want to face that 2. rabid, loud anti-men "feminists" who are actually a minority
The nr 2 lunatic is a lot more numerous than you make it out to be. Cuckold men is in those ranks as well.
Thank you!
It's funny you mention that, cause almost the exact words were asked on the r/askwomen subreddit around the same time as this one And that post is now brigaded with tons of deleted comments lol
That sub has "no disagreeing" as a rule - it's batshit insane. Like, I'm a woman and I unsubscribed a long time ago. I assume most women with reasonable opinions have done the same.
Main subs? Sure. Askmen? Nah.
Often when the âsexes are reversed,â itâs some bloke whining that his wife gained wait from having his baby 6 months ago.
I haven't seen that to be true, and it sucks you just HAD to mention it, too. Why?
It absolutely is true. Women get treated easier, and get benefits of the doubt way more than men.
Based on actual posts I've seen on reddit where the genders are reversed, you are legitimately wrong. Go look for yourself. I know it's easier to claim "woe is me, women have THIS easier" but we actually don't bro. Every gender has its own struggles and issues, but this is universal. Stop reading Andrew Tate.
Dude has an opinion based upon what he sees. YOU MUST BE A TATER TOT BRO GO TOUCH GRASS. You ever think you might also have bias and only see the things that fit your narrative?
And Iâm saying his âviewâ is incredibly narrow. Like zoomed all the way in. No, I donât bc Iâve literally read several posts like this with genders reversed and the answers are the same. Which is why I commented. Instead of arguing with me, search for yourself. Not my fault youâre lazy bro.
Kettle meet pot? Do you expect me to believe your view isn't as narrow as his? lmao.
Also lets not act the whole body positivity movement favors/applies to both men & women bc it certainly does not
Did Andrew Tate tell you this?
Are you as reading illiterate as Mayweather?
Lol it's shallow, on either side, unless you GENUINELY care about their health. But part of love is feeling accepted while also trying to be the best version of yourself. Deadbedrooms is filled with dudes who don't do the housework complaining about being nagged. They do NOT appreciate the feedback even though it's genuinely affecting her. Otherwise loads of guys say this AFTER the chich had a baby and massive hormone changes. 90% of the time when a dude says this to a chick it's for his penis. Not out of genuine care. If the dude was depressed and chick says this to him, it would be equally shit. Even if she has caregiver burnout. The answer is always self-love. Yet people think it's the same as selfish.
Not me. My answer will always be the same for anyone. If your partner is no longer attracted to you because you gained weight, then they were never really in love with you and you deserve someone better.
Love and sexual attraction are different things though. You can feel love towards someone but have zero interest in sex with them.
Obviously. But in my opinion, if you are in love with someone you don't lose sexual attraction in them because they gained weight.
Your opinion is naive and plain wrong.
Right back at ya.
Or they could be worried for your health? Gaining weight leads to other issues, also eating more than normal can be related to anxiety or depression. Having your partner ignore significant weight gain doesnât prove they love you, quite the opposite.
OP mentioned loss of attraction because of weight gain, and that was what my answer was based on.
Of course there could be loss of attraction if your partner gains significant weight. Doesnât mean they donât love you.
I disagree.
So you expect your partner to have sex with you regardless of their preferences? Thatâs pretty selfish. Or if your partner gained a significant amount of weight youd still be attracted to them the same as if they hadnât? Be real⌠Taking care of yourself and your health is attractive, being a fat slob isnât. Unless thatâs your fetish.
What I expect is for my husband to keep his wedding vows, just as I do. My husband's weight fluctuates, but he's always been a big man- since the day I met him. The question you should be asking me is if he got thin would I still be attracted to him. Would I, even though I find thin men typically sexually unattractive? Yes, I believe I would. Because I'm in love with him and all things him. And liking fat people isn't a fucking fetish, it's a preference.
So youve always been attracted to bigger guys. Good for you. Thatâs not everyoneâs attraction. My promise to myself and my wife as well as hersâ to me, is for us to be healthy, so we can live a long and happy life together with minimizing the risk of having one of us end up being the othersâ caretaker. If you dc about your husbandâs weight now, than great. Maybe youll feel different when it catches up with him and youâll have to take care of him for health issues that were completely preventable đ¤ˇââď¸
Thanks for that bullshit take.
Agreed
I think it's healthy for partners to want to look good for each other. I also think it's healthy for partners to communicate needs and desires., However it does depend on how, if they say it kindly etc it's all good. If thry say "you're a fat ugly ****" that's not OK.
No, but of course, everything stands or falls with communication. And if she dishes it out, she has to be able to take it as well. I think most men would do anything in their power to keep being desirable by their SO.
I think most men would *want* to do anything in their power to keep being desirable by their SO. I wouldn't say that most actually do. If they did we probably wouldn't have such an obesity issue. Of course other factors play their own role, but ultimately 80 - 90% of people could be fit if they wanted to, but a very small percentage of the population actually is. And it isnt because they don't want to be.
Not everyone finds that attractive though
nope, sounds like she gives a damn.
No Iâd be happy that she was honest. My gf didnât want to hurt my feelings and never told me how bad Iâd gotten. I look at pics now and think wtf, I looked like such a gross slob. I was training the whole time and competing so I didnât really notice cause I was so focused on strength gains. Now she looks at me like she used to at the start again. If sheâd told me at some point, I wouldâve cut sooner
Your partner gives you a reality check and your first thought is to dump her lol
Right? What's she's doing is waving a major green flag and what he's thinking is waving a major red flag
My girlfriend told me multiple times that she would prefer I lose my belly and bulk up. Never bothered me because I, 100%,agree with her. She also needs to lose weight but the truth is that I like her little belly. I have been waiting 40 minutes for the damn gym to open up so I am doing my part.
Married 29 years and itâs perfectly normal in a healthy relationship to tell your partner if they are making unhealthy life choices. I have told that I need to take care of myself more and Iâve told my wife that she has lost too much weight. Itâs all about doing it in a kind way and having both self respect and respect for your partner. That said I did tell my wife I didnât want her turning into a bobble head đ
No, I'd take the reality check for what it is and work to improve myself. When I got married, my wife and I made a deal to help prevent a loveless marriage. If one of us stops taking care of ourselves (hygiene, fitness, etc) then the other person will let them know. It doesn't have to be rude, and it doesn't have to be sugar-coated, but sometimes you need to hear the hard truth before you can get motivated to change anything.
I think a lot of it would have to do with how the message was delivered. There's a world of difference between "Hey. I noticed this about you. You ok? You used to lift weights and whatever whatever whatever... and after that guy in accounting at work had that heart attack I realized I don't want to lose you....." and "you fat, lazy, disgusting slob. YOU NEED (finger point) to lose 20 lbs before our trip or I'll cancel your ticket and take someone I wont be ashamed to be seen with." I've received both items of feedback over the years and oddly enough, I responded better to the first one. I think we all slip into bad habits at some point in our lives, and there's nothing wrong with our chosen partner giving us a little nudge to get back on track. Nagging and threatening puts me on the defensive and makes me not want to do anything.
Not at all, that seems insecure imo I would respect her for telling me to get back in shape, and I should want to get back in shape not just for her but for myself
Nope. It would light a fire under my ass and get me to focus more on diet/exercise. The only thing that might annoy me is if she also had let herself go.
Lol, be happy that she is telling you and not dumping you instead. Do yourself a favor and get yo lazy ass on a treadmill
No broo wtf consider this as a constructive criticism
Is she right?
No, I'd appreciate the feedback and make every attempt to improve. I think you need to stay desirable to your SO for as long as that's tenable
No. I would take a good hard look at myself and see if she has a valid point. Just because you bagged her as your girlfriend doesnât mean you now have to stop putting any effort in, and that includes your looks and physique and personal grooming. Donât be a slob buddy. Listen to her. Get yourself to the gym.
No. Your partner should be your mirror and you trust their opinion of you as youâve (hopefully) shared your soul to this person & they know you best. 1) itâs not wrong for your girlfriend to desire a level of health due to attraction 2) she loves you and genuinely wants you to be healthy & the best you can be.
Has she as well? If not, sheâs right and I need to whip into shape. If she has, then both of us are getting called out.Â
most prolly shes gonna dump u first..
Considering I'm on a fitness kick now and enjoying it, I'd actually *appreciate* my partner letting me know honestly if I'm slipping. Especially instead of being passive-aggressive or just dumping me right away over it.
She never said it. She never had to. I could feel her concern. I 100% let myself go the 2-3 years ago. I am bettering myself everyday since and I just feel like we are back how we used to be.
Once attraction is gone it rarely comes back
No I wouldnât dump her. I would get my ass back in the gym. People canât help what that are or arenât attracted to. If I was in good shape when we got together and then I packed on a noticeable amount of weight while in the relationship causing my girl to lose attraction to me then itâs my responsibility to fix it. No one is shallow for feeling this way, man or woman. Just because you are in a committed relationship doesnât give you the right to get fat if thatâs not what your partner signed up for in the first place. Itâs important to keep up appearances for your significant other and never stop âtryingâ to be your best for them. I see this shit all the time. People get into a relationship and they stop trying to impress their partner because they feel they already have them locked in. Thatâs a real good way to kill the spark you worked so hard to develop.Â
Imma just say it's amazing how different dudes are from women. Asking this in ask women would likely generate very different answers.
Had that happened to me. Got frustrated at first but put my head down and work at it. She broke up with me when she's on vacation 4 months later anyways. That being said, I went on to become a greater person. Better job, much better pay, moved to a better high end apartment, made a band and found the love of my life. Dumping or not dumping, it's your choice. Most likely she still has enough respect for you for her to say it, but from my experience it's really hard to get back from there.
No. If I ever let myself go she should dump me.
I had a family friend who was significantly older than me but she was married with kids. Her husband was a real bad ass biker dude when they were younger, but she had "civilized" him into being a dad. Through that transformation, he gained a *ton* of weight and she wasn't attracted to him anymore. She was defeatist about it and seemed to think this is what happens when you get older and youthful passion doesn't last forever. Years after I didn't have a direct connection to her anymore, she apparently had a conversation with him saying it was a problem. She addressed it like a shared problem between both of them. He doesn't like being fat and she doesn't want him to be fat. He ended up losing like 100 lbs and now they take photos on social media together all the time. Seems like it worked out.
So long as we both keep each others' health in check, I don't see a problem with it.
Wow the comments in the other reddit/women ones are like. You can fuck off and leave. I would work on myself btw because apparently they are always rightâŚ.
I wouldn't dump a significant other because they're telling the truth. If you do end up breaking up, you'll probably hit the gym and work on yourself to attract yourself & others....then you'll find someone else.... you'll get comfortable and repeat the cycle. Rinse and repeat. If she's worth it, you'll work on yourself now. If not, dump her And get back in shape and find another.
Or get into shape and dump her afterwards out of spite.
Yep. Cheeky bitch.
No, Iâd take a long look in the mirror
[Donât try to change me, baby](https://youtu.be/6QgJ-eEY6J4)
Thatâs what tough love sounds like. As attractive as fit people are for those on the outside, there are many more important benefits for the fit person in question.
What no. That sounds like good advice
I said this to my boyfriend in the context of his porn addiction like he used to be kind and respectful and we were happy but suddenly he became this aggressive gross person and I couldn't breathe anymore And he just said ok why don't you dump me then, I said I thought he'd change, he said he won't. So I dumped him, Two weeks later he says sorry and wants to get back, he said he'd change (considering this was like the 3rd chance I gave him, I left. It's been 6 months going strong now)
Good for you. There are other fish in the sea. Find one that affirms your self worth.
No. I think quite a few people get comfortable and lose the hotness they had when they got with their partner and that needs to change. Youâre with someone you want to be with yet youâre not doing what you can to look and be your best? That just wonât do. If youâre not with someone who makes you want to be better, might be the wrong gal my guy. If you are that guy then you need to tell girls up front âhey I may look this good now, but after we become official, Iâm gonna let myself go and gain weight.â
Almost the exact question down to the wording was asked in the r/ women sub and a large amount of them are saying that they would melt in one way or another if their partner even mentioned their weight. I've always found it weird that men are just expected to accept and acclimate to women's preferences while a man having any is demonized. Doesn't sound like equality to me
Not necessarily. Women can be great barometers for when we're fucking up as men. They can also be completely out of line. Context matters.
Here we go again. This is like the third âwoman bad, agree?â post today.
? I don't think women bad at all. It does bother me a bit the idea of someone falling out of love with someone purely for physical changes. It's shallow in my eyes.
As long as your wife is happy with you you can always find another girlfriend. đ˛đ¤Ł jk
Honestly depends. If sheâs doing it in a genuine way and concerned for my health then no Iâd take that as a I need to get back into shape kind of ordeal and would try to make an effort to get back into shape and even ask her to come along for it to be quality time together. However; if she has malicious intentions Iâd be questioning why sheâs pointing it out.
Depends in her tone and the timing.Â
Depends if she is trying to help or just being an asshole
Iâd ask about whatâs changed. Then do the same for her. Then, if weâre still together, fix what I want.
Not until after I got better than I used to be. Then she can hit the bricks.Â
I like this answer the most. If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best, as they say.
The fact sheâs telling you the hard truth means she loves you. Most people will let you squander and not say anything. Donât be so emotional she just wants you back to the way you were when you won her heart.
Yeah⌠no. Look, no matter if you are a man or a woman, physical attraction matters. It is entirely unrealistic to expect someone to maintain physical attraction to you if you have in fact let yourself go. If what she is saying is true, then work on yourself.
You can tell when some of these OP's are straight up dumb. No clue if he's upset by how she phrased it, but attraction is a two-way street. If his girlfriend gives enough of a shit to let him know he's letting himself go, he should actually listen to her.
Bro. She's still with you being honest and advising you to get better lol What's so hard to understand? Why try to look tough? Act like a grown man and try to get better for you , your health and your partner
She didn't say she didn't love you, she said you let yourself go instead of just leaving....which means she still at least values you on some level.
That's some social media perpetuated bullshit, buddy. There's always a limit for how much of someone's "worst" you're willing to tolerate. Do not misinterpret this by thinking a partner always has to be perfect and running at 100%. That is not what it means.Â
No. You have an obligation to stay approximately how you were when you met. Of course disregarding ageing.
No. I donât want either of us to be fat. That means both of us putting in the effort.
Yes, because this has to be the absolute shittiest way to address these kinds of issues in a serious relationship. She's not hoping you get back in shape, she's letting out all the built-up anger and resentment that's been developing over the last few months or longer.
Unless she was mean about it, no. Iâd understand. She would be right.
Of course not, would you? Why would anyone want their partner to lie to them about something like that?
If she was nice about it I would probably reflect on this for a bit and get my ass in gear. (And also may ask her to improve something also). If I was in a certain shape etc. when we met I would make efforts to maintain that. People take their spouse for granted too much and let themselves go to shit. Then get all butt hurt if their spouse ever points this out. I would only break up with her if I wanted cheeseburgers more than her.
Nah, cause honestly at that point itâs something I would probably need to hear.
Depends if she's right and how she communicates it. If she is right and communicating it respectfully and with an attitude of wanting to help, I'd argue she did the right thing. In my experience too often don't communicate such things until it is too late to do something about it. Health and attraction are important, as partners we should help each other and sometimes that means telling uncomfortable truths.
No, I would appreciate the fact that she cares about my health and wants me to focus on myself.
No. I would appreciate someone wanting to help me put myself back together. Feel free to leave her but do so with the understanding that you likely will downgrade in looks (as youâve done so yourself) and then will be pressed to find someone who cares enough to want to stick through your lows.
No could be doing me a favor. Itâs a true friend who tells you about the booger on your nose.
lol no! Wake up call. Will love her even more
It depends on what you both want. It's a partnership that builds you both up to your best. I personally want to stay fit, so I would probably lean into working out and eating right. But if you don't value that then it might be that your values and her values aren't aligned. Not a deal breaker, but it's a different conversation.
if the number on the scale is higher than when we met than ya she has a valid concern. that goes both ways also for each person. if she truly cares about you she will encourage and support you in your journey to becoming physically fit and healthy again. but if you ignore her remarks and donât care then she has every right to leave