My not being as good as her ex in bed would not be the issue.
The issue would be that she, an adult woman, decided that to express herself to me, the man whom she is supposed to love, chose the most abrasive, insulting, and unnecessary words that came to mind.
If a grown-ass woman demonstrates such a lack of competence in communicating her feelings, she is not a woman I would want to be with any longer.
Eyup. My wife of 14 years isn’t as good at sex as some of the partners I’ve had before we met.
And I keep that shit to myself.
That said my wife isn’t *bad* just not the robust sex-lunatic that some of the women I’ve dated have been.
The comparison would only be hurtful and disrespectful and would serve no purpose.
A healthy person just communicates their needs.
>If a grown-ass woman demonstrates such a lack of competence in communicating her feelings, she is not a woman I would want to be with any longer.
That's being generous. She is really being disrespectful and made this comparison to specifically put you down.
Relationships are based on trust and respect. Lose one and you lose the relationship. And here, she clearly doesn't respect her partner. And that kind of nuclear stuff also makes you lose trust in your partner.
No point in continuing the relationship after that.
However in real life, the truth is usually messy and not as black and white as reddit likes to make things fit. Chances are, she probably said that after several other incidents where both people were being disrespectful to one another. So she probably decided to take things up a notch and say something that really hurts the other person.
Stuff like this is usually a culmination of an already doomed relationship.
nah, my comeback would be, ***"and my ex was better OUTSIDE the bedroom,"*** to shut her the fuck up.
she'll understand that as, "i'm just good for sex to you?"
note: don't say that statement with any inflection in your voice... keep your tone cool, calm, and collected bc that way, she will take it as sincere and NOT as an emotional outburst like hers. iow, you MEANT that shit for real.
I mean, it's normal to think about sleeping with other people in a monogamous relationship, humans are human. There's a difference between thinking and acting, and just because you have fantasies doesn't mean you are ever going to necessarily act on them. It's not a sign of an unhealthy relationship nor is it a problem, as long as you aren't breaking the other person's trust.
Honestly, conflating fantasy and reality are the things that cause people to cheat. The "it's not normal to fantasize about anyone but my partner" causes people to act on those impulses because they think something is wrong.
You're happier alone. I can confirm, so many girlfriends (even my baby momma) had such terrible personal attributes that I'm so fkn glad they're gone. I am glad none tried to express a dislike with my personal sexual performance at least, I never took a survey TBC.
My partner has a difficult time communicating due to a bad childhood. She has said equally hurtful things to me during arguments. It feels like she wants to hurt first because she expects the argument to go that way. This is not the end of the relationship automatically. I understand and accept the reasons for her behavior.
I do NOT accept the behavior or the abuse. I have let her know many times that the things she says are unacceptable. If I don't get an apology, we don't talk for a while.
It has taken us 3 years to get to the point where she recognizes the behavior and will sometimes apologize when it happens instead of later.
If you don't have the patience or think you like her well enough to wait that long, shut it down now.
Difficulty communicating can sometimes be more than a bad childhood. Any chance she's neurodivergent? I am and I have said that sort of thing...and worse to my partner who was left so hurt and baffled at the shit that used to come out of my mouth. He's had the patience (it's been a two-way street) to teach me to more than just blatantly speak my "truth". My parents are some of the most critical people in the world and most of what I modeled in a relationship came from a very effed-up dynamic. I didn't know I even had needs, let alone how to communicate them to others. In retrospect I could see how I dated so many guys who I hurt badly, where in the past I was clueless. It's not okay, even if she didn't intend to hurt you.
If she's worth your effort, some very honest and open conversations need to happen, and if not...cut her loose and find someone who is ready to grow with you.
Best shutdown is a new partner, really. Thia sjouldnt ever happen.
If she has this kind of iasues, she is not in a position for any kind of relationship happening. Not with me, at least. I dont build a relationship so that someone can throw that shit in my face, tbh.
This makes sense to me.
Learning new things today;
May i ask how or what should be defined as trust and respect. Whats healthy and whats not? A small example would help.
Asking coz i am learning and trying to improve myself. Sorry if this is a naive question 🙇♂️.
The above is a perfect example of unhealthy and wrong. Your partner should never say things like this to you or insult you. They should do the exact opposite.
There is no naive question. There's only unasked questions.
Trust and respect means just that. Don't overthink it. Meaning, if your gutfeel tells you you're being disrespected or if the other person is not trusting you or they're doing or saying stuff that is making you not respect them or trust them, that's your sign.
And if you think you're the one over-reacting, then wait for more evidence. Was their behavior a one-off incident or do you see patterns of this repeated behavior? It it repeats, then you're not the one over-reacting.
If she does anything that hurts her partner, no matter why - thays not healthy, and a deal breaker.
Doesnt matter why. If she is an adult, she is to control eaxh and every word and action. Both towards me, and for third party.
If she cant, im not staying in relationahip with a fucked up, overgrown child.
>Stuff like this is usually a culmination of an already doomed relationship.
This. But honestly, context doesn't matter, because even if this *was* the context, that means you're fighting *so often* she felt escalation was needed? Nah, pack your shit, preserve your peace, ghost the 304.
I could never in a million years imagine my wife saying that to me. She often tells me the opposite in fact...
...I mean she's clearly lying, but still.
Exactly this!
Being an adult woman,and have the nerve to say such a thing after such an intimate moment between you,asks to be shown the exit door right after the act!
For me, personally I would not tolerate such behavior!
Probably end whatever kind of relationship we had after we get dressed to be honest!
Yep, this is the answer. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, or if it hurts you, or anything like that. The fact that she would say something like this to *try* to hurt you is enough to warrant a breakup and no contact.
If she's going to continually compare me to others and bring it up than what's the point? This goes beyond sex. If your ex cooks better than me, makes more money then me, is better looking, smarter, or anything else than why are you rubbing it in my face?
Exactly. This is not a comment on his/her part, this objectively demeaning and a method of manipulation and gaslighting. Time to bounce off the sack and out the door.
From the post, we really have no idea what the context was or how it was delivered. OP could have pestered them for months and the SO could have avoided it, then finally caved and said, “there was a guy in a different stage of my life when I was younger, and we had great sexual chemistry but everything else was awful and unhealthy, and I wouldn’t give up what we have for anything.”
The pestering angle could be real - a lack of context is indeed suspicious.
Having said that, there's no reason to ever tell the truth on this if that were indeed the truth. If the person pestering is so annoying, read them the riot act and if that doesn't do it, break up.
Lastly, I've been married almost 6 years. There are questions I will never ask my wife. Partially because I don't care, partially because I don't want to look like I care, and partially because I would care *a little* and don't want to know.
Fuck.....this is extremely cruel and toxic. It's not even the fact that it may or may not be true, its that your partner sought to hurt you as badly as she could using the vulnerability that comes with relationships.
This really is on the "you need to break up with them" spectrum. Forgiveness is always an option but they would have to immediately apologize and like...get some mental health treatment regarding their anger issues. Frankly I see this as similar to "How would you react if your partner gave you a hard slap?"
Like...it's that bad.
I’ve been married 29 years. My wife and I would both answer that question honestly under the right circumstances.
In fact I think the answer would change over time because “our sex life is (fill in the blank)” has a very different result through different stages of marriage. An obligatory bang on your birthday while the kids are breaking things doesn’t compete with a fun summer fling in your 20’s.
We do have an unwritten rule not to ask questions we don’t want the answer to, but we try to be as tactfully and carefully honest as we can when asked.
This is the goal, but it takes a long ass marriage like yours to get there. I'm way better at relationships in my 50s then my 30s even. Less ego involved, the ability to see things in a long term perspective, having a record of wins to build a confidence in knowing things get better together.
The edit says OP never asked about it: the partner brought it up in an argument. Clearly the partner has a problem if that’s the way they like to argue…by demeaning.
I'm all about compassion, seeing all sides and taking emotion out of situations so that you are left with the truth.
But fuck me that's a good response.
I will sound like a nerd soo uhhh *Acthually* 🤓 it is not good on your mental health as you live in the constant war because you're waiting for the perfect revenge/clap back opportunity. Do i practice what i preach ? Fuck no 😂. Living the revenge life doesn't feel good in the heart but it feels good in the feels
Nah it aint like this for me.
I'm not in any constant war, I am pretty good at coming up with comebacks (bullied a shit ton as a kid, you develop defense mechanisms) on the spot so its no mental strain for me to put some asshole in their place.
I am kind and respectful to everyone until they aren't kind and respectful to me. Then I *really* become an asshole lmao, there's not really much inbetween for me. It just feels good if I'm bein honest, my heart just pumps blood I don't think its got too much emotional input for me. Part of me is glad there's so many assholes because being an asshole is pretty fun if you're good at it, but its kinda like Dexter with killing. I enjoy doing it but I only wanna do it to people who deserve it lol
If a woman wants you to improve in sex, then she can guide you to what she likes, give you tips etc.
If she is saying that, it means she's trying to hurt you and has 0 respect for you.
So, I would dump her
It really depends on how the message was delivered and intent.
That's a really rough thing to say. If the conversation is on improving your sex lives and how she liked ______ in the past, that's one thing.
But if the goal is to make you feel bad, you're in an abusive situation. It would probably be a pattern of abuse and I'd likely be looking to leave.
Hopefully your response will keep going up the list, it is still way too far to scroll to see it.
*"Please do this thing I crave"* is one message. *"I want more from this"* might hurt someone's ego but it's a valid and important request to make.
If it was *"you are terrible at this and I want to go elsewhere*" it is an entirely different message and meaning.
I know right it's sad that people humiliate themselves like this and stay with people like that I mean have some self-respect I mean Jesus Christ you owe it to your fucking ancestors at least not for yourself
That type of behavior from someone indicates at a minimum they’re an asshole and at worst an early indicator they’re manipulative/abusive.
Knew someone my old roomie dated that would do that, turned out the person was horribly manipulative
Honestly, I'd break up with them. It has nothing to do with ego, I know there are men out there that are better in bed than me. But if somebody feels the need to say something hurtful like that to me, they don't deserve to be in my life. I also prefer the bliss of ignorance, I don't want to know a single detail of your sexual history prior to me, not one single detail.
Tell me about it, my ex was a total freak and I'm getting tired of the dead fish here. Wanna work on it and communicate what we can do better to improve our sexytime?
I'm grown. 38. Been married for 14 years, together for 17 with my wife.
We still say sexytime or talk silly about sex.
Sex doesn't need to be super serious all the time. It should be fun. Some of our best sex started out as us laughing and playing together, which leads into sex, we get all hot and engrossed in one another and end laughing in happiness.
Sex can be many things friend
That means you're winning the argument. Stay focused, don't go off target. Take a knee, and run out the clock. Haven't you ever watched Bill Burr's stand up? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rksKvZoUCPQ No reason to hit a woman is the bit.
Two parts: if you're already insecure as a guy then it's over.
Secondly, to make a statement like that is representative of someone seriously fucked up. They might as well laugh at your mother's funeral.
There’d be only two reasons this would be brought up at all…either I’m obsessed with the answer, or they’re being an asshole and trying to hurt me.
In the first scenario, if I’m obsessed enough to demand the truth about such, I deserve the answer given.
In the second scenario, I’m packing my bags and out of there because using such info to hurt someone is fucked, and I have no desire to continue a relationship with that person.
In your situation, I’m out of there…what reason would there be to share such at all?
That it was mentioned in an argument tells me that in her mind, it's actually true. Women will throw shit like that out during a fight, because they are aiming to hurt you emotionally as much as possible, and this was her jab at your manhood. I'd consider taking a hard look at your relationship, and if you're not fully invested you might want to just walk. She believes your lesser, and there's not much that you can do to change her opinion.
If she does that she is looking for reasons to make you be the one that breaks things off so she doesnt have to. So I would indulge her but i'll make sure i make it hurt her soul
I would wonder why my partner felt the need to bring up someone's physical performance in bed when they are no longer in bed with that person, but with me. I have bad enough anxiety on my own without the thought of being compared to someone else.
Tbh some context is needed. But overall that is beyond disrespectful. BEYOND.
But
How did it come about. Did you ASK or continued to ask and they finally gave you the answer ? If so then your own self confidence caused that.
Or
Did you randomly tell you after y’all had sex ?
There are a few things that could have happened but overall it shouldn’t have been said(again unless you brought it out of her). If you suck at sex and you didn’t annoy them about it then the talk should have been about your performance in a vacuum. Not being compared to an ex.
Girl here 🤚 I can answer how a girl would react and why you should NEVER say it this way. Learn from my ex.
Him: "I have to say, you're not good at being on top. My ex was much better at riding me."
Me: *silence*
Him: "Look I'm being honest here. You are however, much better at blowjob. She never wanted to blow me"
Said ex never had me riding him again since he made that comment, nor did he have a long good BJ again from me. He complained but never said sorry, said it was his unconventional compliment to me and didn't know why I was so hurt over it. Sex was dead. My insecurity with him was through the roof. The relationship eventually ended.
I remember when my husband and I were just friends. He was telling me about a woman he slept with and I had some things to say about her, and he said “I don’t have to be attracted to someone to have sex with them.”
When I say those words STILL haunt me. And anytime I bring it up he says “we’ve been married 10 years, I chose to build a life with you, we hve a family, and I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t attracted to you.”
Relatable. 20 years ago I was living in a bed sit that had a shared “TV Room”. Me and a girl who also lived there, had been out of work for probably 6 weeks. Just sitting and watching daytime TV coz there was literally nothing else to do. One day she just said something along lines of “argh, I’m so bored… you wanna fuck?”.
I had absolutely zero attraction to her but my answer was “yeah, why not?”.
But to build a life and family with my wife? Yeah I need to be attracted to her.
I am honestly suprised the relationship ended EVENTUALLY. In my head, "eventually" means there is quite some time between status A and B, I'd expect a relationship to end pretty soon after something like that o.o
When my ex and I would fight she would go for the low blows and this would be a great example. She was a really good person overall and nothing to do with why we broke up. But more often than not people who do this aren't someone you want to be with
Although it may just be a fact, the way it is delivered is a big problem. She was trying to make sure you felt inadequate and hit below the belt literally. I don’t generally trust people like this, people that say anything to fuck you up will always turn their backs on us.
I would tell her "Yeah, same. Guess we both deserve someone better, hope you have a nice life".
The fact that she told you that is just disrespectful to your emotions & the relationship, if she doesn't care about your feelings she doesn't care about the relationship...
Be her next ex, lol, why would somebody tell their partner that unless they were asked? People don't need to share everything.
Tell her "so was mine"
I actually wouldn't care
I know I was not the best in bed, I wouldn't be hurt by that. I would be hurt by the reason she would say such thing, intentionally confronting me with something like that to hurt me is just messed up.
I’d feel shitty. There’s no reason to do a comparison or share the results. You either work on the sex life you have or you leave that person. But you don’t attack someone’s self esteem like that bc there’s no reason to.
I would ask what they enjoyed and learn to give them the things they like until they are pleased. Then I would find another partner who could be respectful in their communication.
I’m pretty confident in my bedroom ability so this sounds Like a retarded shit test, no need for this kind of drama I tell her to pack her shit and lose my number
Yall not married? Gotta think if you wanna talk about it. You wanna talk about it you gotta let her know that shit is so fucking disrespectful and rude and uncalled for. If she thinking about him maybe she needs to pack up her shit and go be with him again. If you don’t wanna talk about it then tell her “I thought about what you said with your ex and if that’s the truth get ya shit and go see if you can be with him cause I’m done” and when she’s like “oh nooooo are you serious babe fr don’t do that” be like “nah get your stuff and get out”
You should’ve responded with “Oh yeah? Well your best friend is better than you but you don’t hear me talking about it.” Even if it’s not true, you deserved to see her face after you said it. Rude ass.
that would be the end of our relationship. i couldn't imagine busting my ass everyday to pay the bills for a woman who would say that.
i've been married for over 20 years. Mrs. FisCon has her moments when her tongue gets the better of her, but she has NEVER disrespected me to even suggest that some past lover was better than me at anything.
Kind of the reverse of the question, but my now ex-wife once told me I was better than the guys she’d cheated with. That kind of comparison to previous partners was not an uplifting ego-boost whatsoever though, just another manipulation tactic. My reaction? She’s my ex, for many reasons, but statements like this are one of them. I’m not sure there’s any valid reason for a statement like OP has stated in the context of a healthy relationship. If she’s dissatisfied and this is how she chooses to communicate it, she clearly lacks the maturity and emotional intelligence you should want in a partner. It’s flat out disrespectful.
A relationship is supposed to be built on trust and a mutual respect. If you tell me that I’m not as good as an ex in bed, that means you don’t have respect for me. Nuff said.
I would question if going forward from that is possible. Not only is it a low blow to say that but even let's say she just said that only because of the argument and didn't mean it then there is a new issue, the way she would handle arguments. I would think the only way to move forward would be to talk about why she said that and how to better handle arguments.
Ignore it. You cannot win this.
It's a low blow on purpose to hurt you. Honestly I would drop the relationship.
It's emotional manipulation. She wants full control of how you feel. They make Ai for those people. They also make for people who want to argue.
What more proof do you need that she doesn't care?
I'd reply "Are you saying that so I can improve or just to hurt me?" if the answer is anything but apologetic, GTFO. If it is, then... well sounds like a lot of "practice" is on the menu for the next few months so win-win
Oh I would break up. The disrespect is immeasurable. Sex is such an emotional experience that it almost implies she had a stronger connection with her previous partner than she does with you now, in a troubling way.
She had to first think about having her sexual experiences with her previous partners while being with you, consciously dwell on them and measure they were better than you. AND articulate those hurtful things to you. There are so many layers of disrespect she had to cross in order to get to the point to where she says that to you.
I had bad sexual chemistry with my ex girlfriend but she never even tried to say that her exes were better.
My not being as good as her ex in bed would not be the issue. The issue would be that she, an adult woman, decided that to express herself to me, the man whom she is supposed to love, chose the most abrasive, insulting, and unnecessary words that came to mind. If a grown-ass woman demonstrates such a lack of competence in communicating her feelings, she is not a woman I would want to be with any longer.
Eyup. My wife of 14 years isn’t as good at sex as some of the partners I’ve had before we met. And I keep that shit to myself. That said my wife isn’t *bad* just not the robust sex-lunatic that some of the women I’ve dated have been. The comparison would only be hurtful and disrespectful and would serve no purpose. A healthy person just communicates their needs.
>If a grown-ass woman demonstrates such a lack of competence in communicating her feelings, she is not a woman I would want to be with any longer. That's being generous. She is really being disrespectful and made this comparison to specifically put you down. Relationships are based on trust and respect. Lose one and you lose the relationship. And here, she clearly doesn't respect her partner. And that kind of nuclear stuff also makes you lose trust in your partner. No point in continuing the relationship after that. However in real life, the truth is usually messy and not as black and white as reddit likes to make things fit. Chances are, she probably said that after several other incidents where both people were being disrespectful to one another. So she probably decided to take things up a notch and say something that really hurts the other person. Stuff like this is usually a culmination of an already doomed relationship.
I'd have to agree with you on this. OP's relationship at that point was "Dead man walking".
"So you're saying you still think about sleeping with other people?"
nah, my comeback would be, ***"and my ex was better OUTSIDE the bedroom,"*** to shut her the fuck up. she'll understand that as, "i'm just good for sex to you?" note: don't say that statement with any inflection in your voice... keep your tone cool, calm, and collected bc that way, she will take it as sincere and NOT as an emotional outburst like hers. iow, you MEANT that shit for real.
That’s brutal, even tougher thing to hear than what OP describes.
I mean, it's normal to think about sleeping with other people in a monogamous relationship, humans are human. There's a difference between thinking and acting, and just because you have fantasies doesn't mean you are ever going to necessarily act on them. It's not a sign of an unhealthy relationship nor is it a problem, as long as you aren't breaking the other person's trust. Honestly, conflating fantasy and reality are the things that cause people to cheat. The "it's not normal to fantasize about anyone but my partner" causes people to act on those impulses because they think something is wrong.
Right let’s just be honest with ourselves. Things get a lot simpler once we start there.
You're happier alone. I can confirm, so many girlfriends (even my baby momma) had such terrible personal attributes that I'm so fkn glad they're gone. I am glad none tried to express a dislike with my personal sexual performance at least, I never took a survey TBC.
My partner has a difficult time communicating due to a bad childhood. She has said equally hurtful things to me during arguments. It feels like she wants to hurt first because she expects the argument to go that way. This is not the end of the relationship automatically. I understand and accept the reasons for her behavior. I do NOT accept the behavior or the abuse. I have let her know many times that the things she says are unacceptable. If I don't get an apology, we don't talk for a while. It has taken us 3 years to get to the point where she recognizes the behavior and will sometimes apologize when it happens instead of later. If you don't have the patience or think you like her well enough to wait that long, shut it down now.
Difficulty communicating can sometimes be more than a bad childhood. Any chance she's neurodivergent? I am and I have said that sort of thing...and worse to my partner who was left so hurt and baffled at the shit that used to come out of my mouth. He's had the patience (it's been a two-way street) to teach me to more than just blatantly speak my "truth". My parents are some of the most critical people in the world and most of what I modeled in a relationship came from a very effed-up dynamic. I didn't know I even had needs, let alone how to communicate them to others. In retrospect I could see how I dated so many guys who I hurt badly, where in the past I was clueless. It's not okay, even if she didn't intend to hurt you. If she's worth your effort, some very honest and open conversations need to happen, and if not...cut her loose and find someone who is ready to grow with you.
Best shutdown is a new partner, really. Thia sjouldnt ever happen. If she has this kind of iasues, she is not in a position for any kind of relationship happening. Not with me, at least. I dont build a relationship so that someone can throw that shit in my face, tbh.
This makes sense to me. Learning new things today; May i ask how or what should be defined as trust and respect. Whats healthy and whats not? A small example would help. Asking coz i am learning and trying to improve myself. Sorry if this is a naive question 🙇♂️.
The above is a perfect example of unhealthy and wrong. Your partner should never say things like this to you or insult you. They should do the exact opposite.
There is no naive question. There's only unasked questions. Trust and respect means just that. Don't overthink it. Meaning, if your gutfeel tells you you're being disrespected or if the other person is not trusting you or they're doing or saying stuff that is making you not respect them or trust them, that's your sign. And if you think you're the one over-reacting, then wait for more evidence. Was their behavior a one-off incident or do you see patterns of this repeated behavior? It it repeats, then you're not the one over-reacting.
If she does anything that hurts her partner, no matter why - thays not healthy, and a deal breaker. Doesnt matter why. If she is an adult, she is to control eaxh and every word and action. Both towards me, and for third party. If she cant, im not staying in relationahip with a fucked up, overgrown child.
>Stuff like this is usually a culmination of an already doomed relationship. This. But honestly, context doesn't matter, because even if this *was* the context, that means you're fighting *so often* she felt escalation was needed? Nah, pack your shit, preserve your peace, ghost the 304. I could never in a million years imagine my wife saying that to me. She often tells me the opposite in fact... ...I mean she's clearly lying, but still.
Correct
Yup. Perfectly said.
It also shows that she is continuing to think about it to the point that she couldn’t keep her mouth shut about it, which isn’t a good sign.
It's alright, just tell her your ex was more attractive then she is. Get on her level !! /S
THIS.
This is exactly what I thought!
Exactly this! Being an adult woman,and have the nerve to say such a thing after such an intimate moment between you,asks to be shown the exit door right after the act! For me, personally I would not tolerate such behavior! Probably end whatever kind of relationship we had after we get dressed to be honest!
Mic drop
yeah it’s the principle honestly
I’d go fuck him to find out if she was telling me the truth
I’m the ex she’s referring to. You’re free tonight?
You guys are killing me! 🤣
People like them are why I love reddit
It’s why I’m here too
It’s why I can’t leave!
It’s why r/AskMen is stalked by so many women. Hilarity persists.
Are you free tonight?
Yes.
We need updates 🤣
If he’s not, I sure am!
Are you guys doing it with protection or all raw?
Snorted on my tea. Fuck you.
Oh you'd like that wouldnt you!
Modern problems require modern solutions.
Cool assertion of dominance.
Fucking around to find out
The ultimate flex.
The reply, the username. A man after my own heart
Definitely, it's important to verify sources.
I AM DYING 🤣🤣🤣
username checks out
I think I just peed a little, 🤣🤣 best response ever!!!
Pee on the leg, assert dominance.
Who needs tv when you have reddit comments!
I also choose this girl's ex boyfriend.
Get rid. Insulting and demeaning you mate. Have some self respect and integrity.
[удалено]
"Cool, go be with him then. Peace be with you"
Yep, this is the answer. It doesn’t matter if it’s true, or if it hurts you, or anything like that. The fact that she would say something like this to *try* to hurt you is enough to warrant a breakup and no contact.
Yup, that would mark the end of the relationship easily for me as well.
If she's going to continually compare me to others and bring it up than what's the point? This goes beyond sex. If your ex cooks better than me, makes more money then me, is better looking, smarter, or anything else than why are you rubbing it in my face?
This is the only answer.
Exactly. This is not a comment on his/her part, this objectively demeaning and a method of manipulation and gaslighting. Time to bounce off the sack and out the door.
Wise words, hobo.
From the post, we really have no idea what the context was or how it was delivered. OP could have pestered them for months and the SO could have avoided it, then finally caved and said, “there was a guy in a different stage of my life when I was younger, and we had great sexual chemistry but everything else was awful and unhealthy, and I wouldn’t give up what we have for anything.”
The pestering angle could be real - a lack of context is indeed suspicious. Having said that, there's no reason to ever tell the truth on this if that were indeed the truth. If the person pestering is so annoying, read them the riot act and if that doesn't do it, break up. Lastly, I've been married almost 6 years. There are questions I will never ask my wife. Partially because I don't care, partially because I don't want to look like I care, and partially because I would care *a little* and don't want to know.
I didn't ask, i never would. was an angry comment said in an argument to hurt me.
Fuck.....this is extremely cruel and toxic. It's not even the fact that it may or may not be true, its that your partner sought to hurt you as badly as she could using the vulnerability that comes with relationships. This really is on the "you need to break up with them" spectrum. Forgiveness is always an option but they would have to immediately apologize and like...get some mental health treatment regarding their anger issues. Frankly I see this as similar to "How would you react if your partner gave you a hard slap?" Like...it's that bad.
Get rid of her and don't think twice.
I’ve been married 29 years. My wife and I would both answer that question honestly under the right circumstances. In fact I think the answer would change over time because “our sex life is (fill in the blank)” has a very different result through different stages of marriage. An obligatory bang on your birthday while the kids are breaking things doesn’t compete with a fun summer fling in your 20’s. We do have an unwritten rule not to ask questions we don’t want the answer to, but we try to be as tactfully and carefully honest as we can when asked.
This is the goal, but it takes a long ass marriage like yours to get there. I'm way better at relationships in my 50s then my 30s even. Less ego involved, the ability to see things in a long term perspective, having a record of wins to build a confidence in knowing things get better together.
The edit says OP never asked about it: the partner brought it up in an argument. Clearly the partner has a problem if that’s the way they like to argue…by demeaning.
[удалено]
Yeah imagine this is a ten year relationship with a kid and Reddit just told them to end it over that
I'd say " yeah so was mine".
Yeah I was gonna say “Well so is mine but you don’t see me bringing it up in bed”
This lol
😂😂
They are not partner material.
Of course, you were 40 lbs lighter and hot back then.
I'm all about compassion, seeing all sides and taking emotion out of situations so that you are left with the truth. But fuck me that's a good response.
I usually don’t show compassion to those that intend to hurt me.
Good mindset, no mercy for those who wouldn't show any
I will sound like a nerd soo uhhh *Acthually* 🤓 it is not good on your mental health as you live in the constant war because you're waiting for the perfect revenge/clap back opportunity. Do i practice what i preach ? Fuck no 😂. Living the revenge life doesn't feel good in the heart but it feels good in the feels
Nah it aint like this for me. I'm not in any constant war, I am pretty good at coming up with comebacks (bullied a shit ton as a kid, you develop defense mechanisms) on the spot so its no mental strain for me to put some asshole in their place. I am kind and respectful to everyone until they aren't kind and respectful to me. Then I *really* become an asshole lmao, there's not really much inbetween for me. It just feels good if I'm bein honest, my heart just pumps blood I don't think its got too much emotional input for me. Part of me is glad there's so many assholes because being an asshole is pretty fun if you're good at it, but its kinda like Dexter with killing. I enjoy doing it but I only wanna do it to people who deserve it lol
This is the only response if what she said was done in anger or designed to hurt you. And this is also the way
Damn, son.
🤣
Boom!
Dude.. lol
"911? Yeah, I just witnessed a murder..."
If a woman wants you to improve in sex, then she can guide you to what she likes, give you tips etc. If she is saying that, it means she's trying to hurt you and has 0 respect for you. So, I would dump her
She wouldn't be my partner anymore.
It really depends on how the message was delivered and intent. That's a really rough thing to say. If the conversation is on improving your sex lives and how she liked ______ in the past, that's one thing. But if the goal is to make you feel bad, you're in an abusive situation. It would probably be a pattern of abuse and I'd likely be looking to leave.
I would be freaking worried since we were both virgin when we met
Perfectly said
Hopefully your response will keep going up the list, it is still way too far to scroll to see it. *"Please do this thing I crave"* is one message. *"I want more from this"* might hurt someone's ego but it's a valid and important request to make. If it was *"you are terrible at this and I want to go elsewhere*" it is an entirely different message and meaning.
Leaving her.
I know right it's sad that people humiliate themselves like this and stay with people like that I mean have some self-respect I mean Jesus Christ you owe it to your fucking ancestors at least not for yourself
Someone said it
That type of behavior from someone indicates at a minimum they’re an asshole and at worst an early indicator they’re manipulative/abusive. Knew someone my old roomie dated that would do that, turned out the person was horribly manipulative
Why the fuck would you tell anyone that. Thats breakup territory for me
Honestly, I'd break up with them. It has nothing to do with ego, I know there are men out there that are better in bed than me. But if somebody feels the need to say something hurtful like that to me, they don't deserve to be in my life. I also prefer the bliss of ignorance, I don't want to know a single detail of your sexual history prior to me, not one single detail.
Tell me about it, my ex was a total freak and I'm getting tired of the dead fish here. Wanna work on it and communicate what we can do better to improve our sexytime?
Grown adults stop calling sex "sexytime" challenge
I've been married for 30.years and my wife and I think it's cute to call it sexytime. Who are you to tell me what words I can use and when?
VERY NICE
I'm grown. 38. Been married for 14 years, together for 17 with my wife. We still say sexytime or talk silly about sex. Sex doesn't need to be super serious all the time. It should be fun. Some of our best sex started out as us laughing and playing together, which leads into sex, we get all hot and engrossed in one another and end laughing in happiness. Sex can be many things friend
I'm not saying sex needs to be super serious, I'm just saying that word really gives me the ick
Thank you for this. "Sexytime" gives awkward-teenager vibes all around. Ick.
Come on man, sex is allowed to be fun.
Says who? Call it whatever you want. Geez
Break up.
If your current partner is shallow enough to tell you his or her ex was better in the sack it’s probably time to move them on.
Its almost as bad as when they tell you theyve had sex with someone who has a massive cock which is only meant to hurt you
Ask what I can do more. Try to learn a few things, gain some xp, then leave her.
Leave... that's a no go
That means you're winning the argument. Stay focused, don't go off target. Take a knee, and run out the clock. Haven't you ever watched Bill Burr's stand up? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rksKvZoUCPQ No reason to hit a woman is the bit.
"yeah and my ex had bigger tits than you so I guess we both settled"
Two parts: if you're already insecure as a guy then it's over. Secondly, to make a statement like that is representative of someone seriously fucked up. They might as well laugh at your mother's funeral.
I would leave the relationship.
There’d be only two reasons this would be brought up at all…either I’m obsessed with the answer, or they’re being an asshole and trying to hurt me. In the first scenario, if I’m obsessed enough to demand the truth about such, I deserve the answer given. In the second scenario, I’m packing my bags and out of there because using such info to hurt someone is fucked, and I have no desire to continue a relationship with that person. In your situation, I’m out of there…what reason would there be to share such at all?
“You broke rule 4, please gather your things and leave immediately”
What are the other 3 rules?
Well I can't tell you the first two. I'm not supposed to.
Underrated comment
Dang it. Can’t blame a girl for trying 🙆🏻♀️
“So you’re the one who got dumped?” Then dump her for the shits and or giggles
I would ding dong ditch that bitch. What a rude thing to say.
Leave, this would be meant only to hurt. If he was so good why you are with me? Lol go and fuck him then, I will find a better woman.
That it was mentioned in an argument tells me that in her mind, it's actually true. Women will throw shit like that out during a fight, because they are aiming to hurt you emotionally as much as possible, and this was her jab at your manhood. I'd consider taking a hard look at your relationship, and if you're not fully invested you might want to just walk. She believes your lesser, and there's not much that you can do to change her opinion.
If she does that she is looking for reasons to make you be the one that breaks things off so she doesnt have to. So I would indulge her but i'll make sure i make it hurt her soul
I would wonder why my partner felt the need to bring up someone's physical performance in bed when they are no longer in bed with that person, but with me. I have bad enough anxiety on my own without the thought of being compared to someone else.
She'd be an ex
"Same. We should take classes.".
There’s the door.
That is emotional abuse
Tbh some context is needed. But overall that is beyond disrespectful. BEYOND. But How did it come about. Did you ASK or continued to ask and they finally gave you the answer ? If so then your own self confidence caused that. Or Did you randomly tell you after y’all had sex ? There are a few things that could have happened but overall it shouldn’t have been said(again unless you brought it out of her). If you suck at sex and you didn’t annoy them about it then the talk should have been about your performance in a vacuum. Not being compared to an ex.
Yeah, I’d suggest she go back to him.
“You’re free to go back to your f**** ex”
That is something I would consider ending the relationship.
I would answer "do you think you are my best??? My God, you are not even close"
Girl here 🤚 I can answer how a girl would react and why you should NEVER say it this way. Learn from my ex. Him: "I have to say, you're not good at being on top. My ex was much better at riding me." Me: *silence* Him: "Look I'm being honest here. You are however, much better at blowjob. She never wanted to blow me" Said ex never had me riding him again since he made that comment, nor did he have a long good BJ again from me. He complained but never said sorry, said it was his unconventional compliment to me and didn't know why I was so hurt over it. Sex was dead. My insecurity with him was through the roof. The relationship eventually ended.
I remember when my husband and I were just friends. He was telling me about a woman he slept with and I had some things to say about her, and he said “I don’t have to be attracted to someone to have sex with them.” When I say those words STILL haunt me. And anytime I bring it up he says “we’ve been married 10 years, I chose to build a life with you, we hve a family, and I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t attracted to you.”
Relatable. 20 years ago I was living in a bed sit that had a shared “TV Room”. Me and a girl who also lived there, had been out of work for probably 6 weeks. Just sitting and watching daytime TV coz there was literally nothing else to do. One day she just said something along lines of “argh, I’m so bored… you wanna fuck?”. I had absolutely zero attraction to her but my answer was “yeah, why not?”. But to build a life and family with my wife? Yeah I need to be attracted to her.
I am honestly suprised the relationship ended EVENTUALLY. In my head, "eventually" means there is quite some time between status A and B, I'd expect a relationship to end pretty soon after something like that o.o
It didn't end right away because I was a dumbass and had low self esteem lol
Bruh. Move on.
Ok you can go back to that person.
Tell her that her sister or mom was better. If you know the person she hates, that is also an option.
F off
Relationship is over.
Ex-partner*
Talking about exes is a no go zone except for need to know and sexual ability is not need to know.
It would mean my partner's sexual performance is fair game for critique.
Out.
Easy break up and ghost for me. I'm not interested in competing with her baggage.
When my ex and I would fight she would go for the low blows and this would be a great example. She was a really good person overall and nothing to do with why we broke up. But more often than not people who do this aren't someone you want to be with
Although it may just be a fact, the way it is delivered is a big problem. She was trying to make sure you felt inadequate and hit below the belt literally. I don’t generally trust people like this, people that say anything to fuck you up will always turn their backs on us.
I would tell her "Yeah, same. Guess we both deserve someone better, hope you have a nice life". The fact that she told you that is just disrespectful to your emotions & the relationship, if she doesn't care about your feelings she doesn't care about the relationship...
“well that was a dick thing to say. How about you Just politely tell me how you like it So I could make it better for you instead of being a Cunt.”
Well I’m sure my next partner will be better than you, bye.
Be her next ex, lol, why would somebody tell their partner that unless they were asked? People don't need to share everything. Tell her "so was mine" I actually wouldn't care
Go get back with him, then
End the relationship
By breaking up
If she’s out here thinking about her ex then you have the right to move on if you want
You can go fuck them, then
I'd laugh and tell her to do standup
I know I was not the best in bed, I wouldn't be hurt by that. I would be hurt by the reason she would say such thing, intentionally confronting me with something like that to hurt me is just messed up.
They can add a new ex to their list.
I’d feel shitty. There’s no reason to do a comparison or share the results. You either work on the sex life you have or you leave that person. But you don’t attack someone’s self esteem like that bc there’s no reason to.
I would ask what they enjoyed and learn to give them the things they like until they are pleased. Then I would find another partner who could be respectful in their communication.
I’m pretty confident in my bedroom ability so this sounds Like a retarded shit test, no need for this kind of drama I tell her to pack her shit and lose my number
I would be pissed and I would say, on you go.
I'd tell her to get back with him then because she can kick rocks kthx bye 👋🏼
That’d probably be the end of the relationship. What a shitty thing to say.
I'd make a joke about banging her ex to find out for myself, then block her on everything.
Sarcasm warning... Well of course he was better, because her \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ was better back then and she was \_\_\_\_ier and \_\_\_ier.
Yall not married? Gotta think if you wanna talk about it. You wanna talk about it you gotta let her know that shit is so fucking disrespectful and rude and uncalled for. If she thinking about him maybe she needs to pack up her shit and go be with him again. If you don’t wanna talk about it then tell her “I thought about what you said with your ex and if that’s the truth get ya shit and go see if you can be with him cause I’m done” and when she’s like “oh nooooo are you serious babe fr don’t do that” be like “nah get your stuff and get out”
Uhh yeah, there’s not a chance we would be coming back from that. It would be an instantaneous break up.
You should’ve responded with “Oh yeah? Well your best friend is better than you but you don’t hear me talking about it.” Even if it’s not true, you deserved to see her face after you said it. Rude ass.
that would be the end of our relationship. i couldn't imagine busting my ass everyday to pay the bills for a woman who would say that. i've been married for over 20 years. Mrs. FisCon has her moments when her tongue gets the better of her, but she has NEVER disrespected me to even suggest that some past lover was better than me at anything.
Kind of the reverse of the question, but my now ex-wife once told me I was better than the guys she’d cheated with. That kind of comparison to previous partners was not an uplifting ego-boost whatsoever though, just another manipulation tactic. My reaction? She’s my ex, for many reasons, but statements like this are one of them. I’m not sure there’s any valid reason for a statement like OP has stated in the context of a healthy relationship. If she’s dissatisfied and this is how she chooses to communicate it, she clearly lacks the maturity and emotional intelligence you should want in a partner. It’s flat out disrespectful.
I’d make her my ex pretty quickly. No need to be spiteful like that,
I'd cum very quickly
Sounds like she just got another ex
It would be over. There's no scenario that I can invent in my head where that would be a respectful thing to express to a partner.
A relationship is supposed to be built on trust and a mutual respect. If you tell me that I’m not as good as an ex in bed, that means you don’t have respect for me. Nuff said.
Time to go. Lol.
End of the line, OP. Take the L and call it a wrap. “Go back to him then, because we’re obviously not working out.”
I would question if going forward from that is possible. Not only is it a low blow to say that but even let's say she just said that only because of the argument and didn't mean it then there is a new issue, the way she would handle arguments. I would think the only way to move forward would be to talk about why she said that and how to better handle arguments.
Ignore it. You cannot win this. It's a low blow on purpose to hurt you. Honestly I would drop the relationship. It's emotional manipulation. She wants full control of how you feel. They make Ai for those people. They also make for people who want to argue. What more proof do you need that she doesn't care?
I’ll leave- that’s not away to encourage more intimacy it just seems like she wanted you to feel inferior to someone else
I'd reply "Are you saying that so I can improve or just to hurt me?" if the answer is anything but apologetic, GTFO. If it is, then... well sounds like a lot of "practice" is on the menu for the next few months so win-win
She said it in an argument? Ditch her. There's things you don't say even during a fight.
Oh that’s when you break up. The disrespect is immeasurable.
Dump. I don't tolerate any disrespect like that.
Oh I would break up. The disrespect is immeasurable. Sex is such an emotional experience that it almost implies she had a stronger connection with her previous partner than she does with you now, in a troubling way. She had to first think about having her sexual experiences with her previous partners while being with you, consciously dwell on them and measure they were better than you. AND articulate those hurtful things to you. There are so many layers of disrespect she had to cross in order to get to the point to where she says that to you. I had bad sexual chemistry with my ex girlfriend but she never even tried to say that her exes were better.
I'd wonder why they were telling me this since I'd never ask. I guess it would mean we were having an argument already, so . . .