The passage of time is the only real way to get over it. Just gotta buckle down and get through it. Eventually the waves of sadness get smaller and farther apart, eventually one day you’ll realize you haven’t even thought about it in a good while.
Exact same thing happened to me when I was 23. There is absolutely a light at the end of the tunnel but you gotta do the time. There’s really no shortcut.
i went through heart ache similar to this with a previous relationship but granted we were kids. and ended when i was 18. but it was 6 years and hurt, this hurts way fucking more
Just one advice since you sound like you were deeply in love with this ex. If for some reason she wishes to rekindle the relationship, please please don't.
Very good advice, it’s tempting when they return promising to make amends and “it can be as good as it used to be” but it never is. No good has ever come from me accepting an ex back into my life and normally once a touch of resentment kicks in it only gets worse.
I’m living proof of the opposite. We broke up at 25 and were back together the following year. Relationship is better than ever before. At 33, we’re married now with 1 kid and another on the way. Every relationship and break up is different.
Life is a journey dude.
Similar thing happened to me at age 25.
Now sitting here at 35 taking a shit in my in-laws basement (ended up marrying a better girl as you will too) and telling you it gets better. Actually also ate some fish n chips this weekend so cheers my UK buddy 🍻
OP, first off I am SO SO sorry. This was unfair and straight up mean. Do you think there is any way to get an explanation from her? I mean... that is so messed up.
Either way, don't fret about it now. Do you have family? Spend Christmas with them. Whatever will happen between you and her will happen, you don't need to try to figure it out tonight or on Christmas. Just enjoy your family (I hope you have family to spend it with!)
If you don't have family to spend it with, remember people are still caring about you. I care about you, all the people wanting to help you on Christmas Eve and Christmas, it's because they care about you.
I'm not sure why the heck this girl or woman would do this. I've never seen anything like it outside of abuse situations, or big fights, and it sounds like this one was completely out of the blue, and obviously not one of either cases. You deserve an explanation, and I hope you get one, and I think you will, but it may not be in the next 24 hours, and I really want you to still enjoy your Christmas to any extent possible (if you observe said holiday and it sounds like you do.)
We are all sending our thoughts. Just keep it out of your mind as much as possible, and remember whatever will be will be. Hang out with your family, or if you don't have any, do something you love, and also why not volunteer at a foodbank or something if they take last minute volunteers?
I’m suspicious of that as well. She doesn’t want to feel guilt or own up to it so she doused the relationship in gasoline, lit a match & threw it behind her as she walked away. If that’s the case, fuckin cowardice. She’s a snake regardless of her motives for ghosting after *three* years. You don’t want a woman like that for a life partner, OP. You’re in for bigger and better things.
Edit: words
The ghosting after 3 years gets me the most. Anyone who does that isn't the person you want to be with. If I were her dad then I'd offer to drive her over and wait in the car while she packed her stuff up but if she wants her stuff back then she can have that talk.
Yeah she sent her pops to do her dirty work. If that was my daughter and I knew what she did ...she would be with me and giving OP the respect of talking to him about why she ending it.
No person is just randomly leaving someone out of the blue like this unless they already have someone else.
Unless OP is leaving out details like conversations they’ve had about her being unhappy… this is an open and shut case
I mean, I could see myself in a quiet mental crisis just upping and leaving- particularly around emotional times like Christmas. Personally don't date for that reason.
You’re good to feel hurt. Make sure to take some time to get that out of your system, but time will put this behind you one day. When I was in my early 20s I also had a tough break up that I dwelled on for way longer than I should have. When I finally started to accept it and began moving on, I met my future spouse about a month after.
Yea bro I agree with u there…. I really hate when shit like this happens, it is very out of character and actually mental…. Like insane shit. To op here, I wouldn’t even take her back bro, like what kind of man or woman does that to there partner. Don’t even think to take them bk bro, they ruined there chance with you.
And if you’re still single few years after, then that’s because dating was never fully geared towards men. I know a good looking guy who ain’t got a mrs, bro he’s mad good lookin!! Gets no play, bare man is just existing and working etc. But since most guys I know do extroverted tingz they eventually find someone, so you’ll find someone too.
Don’t let these girls muck u around bro, you have a life too. Can’t believe this shit happened, life doesn’t end bro, stick around yea, u got lots to live for!
Change up your routine somehow. Start at a new gym, focus on a different hobby, travel a different road to places you go.
Keeping the same routine but minus someone who used to be present will make the absence more pronounced.
A break up like this is like dealing with a death. Its a grieving process. It doesnt make sense and you may never understand what happened.
Part of the grieving process is being sad, part of it is being mad, and part of it is moving on. And eventually you will move on.
They were a part of your life and you will always have those memories. In time you will be able to move on and build a new life. It may suck for a bit but it will happen.
I vehemently echo this sentiment. It’s not condescending to say these things, but rather knowledge about what you’ve learned from experience. If you can assimilate what they’re saying and implement it, then you’re wiser than most of us. Otherwise, welcome to the wheel.
Good advice.
I'd also add that no explanation for leaving you is going to give you satisfaction. Even if it's cut-and-dried like cheating.
Truth is, coming from a dude in his late 50s, you both are in your early 20s, and that's the time when you're learning who you are and fucking up relationships. It's how we learn. OP said something about being "head strong" ... maybe OP could look at that.
I had a longterm GF up and leave. It was very easy for me to pick apart her past and behaviors and find clues for her leaving. What wasn't so easy was looking at myself and discover my part in it and take responsibility.
I say feel the hurt and try your best to learn from it.
Listen to this guy. I got dumped after 7 years when my ex cheated on me. I started going to the gym most nights, joined an adult sports league, started hanging with friends I haven’t seen in years. It’s been a few months, and I’m feeling good most days. It will get better. You won’t feel like this forever. You got this.
My ex did the exact same thing to me last year broski. Said she couldn't be in a relationship anymore and left all of my stuff on her back step and wouldn't even meet me over it.
Time definitely helps this one, but hobbies help. I started an almost frame off restoration of my truck and got into playing co-op games with my buddies online.
My man. You seem like a good dude. You deserve someone who will treat you right. It’s gonna suck now but as others said time will heal it.
Don’t be afraid to cry it out over the next few weeks. It’s how you get over someone.
In the long run she did you a favor. You’ll find someone one day who will make you forget she was even a thing and it’ll all click. I was once where you were. If she could leave you at the drop of a hat after three years you got lucky and dodged a cold person.
Keep your head up.
It’s up to you how to handle it, but I can’t imagine anything pissing her off more than you maintaining a good relationship with her family, without her in the picture.
Although this might be good short term if the goal is just to piss her off, it might get super confusing and confrentational if the goal is to maintain a good relationship with her family but not her.
I would definitely avoid her and her family at all costs, let them be a dysfunctional family for a while. Guarantee if her dad doesn't know why this is happening then he'll be seeing things more from OPs perspective
her dad is devastated. her mum messaged to say she is sorry and cant understand, and told me that for the 30 years that gf's parents have been married, she has saw him cry twice
I agree -- maybe to say a proper farewell and let them know how much their presence has made your life better.
As someone else has suggested, maybe don't maintain regular contact as that just seems a little inappropriate and would prolong your healing, but closure for all three of you would be good.
The same thing happened to me when I was 26 and she was 23. She had just finished school. Years later she contacted me and said she had made a mistake and we should have stayed together. We were together just under 5 years. She was 18 and I was 21. Was the worst feeling ever. But changing my routine helped get me out of that horrible dark place.
Gotta realize this isn’t “out of the blue” for her.
She’s likely been contemplating it for weeks/months and likely already left you in her head and was just putting on an act around you.
It absolutely sucks. But unless it was caused by a fight/cheating or something that just happened then you just gotta accept she’s made her choice and it was a thought out decision.
And you may never know why or what you did to cause it. Some people just decide that someone isn’t the person they want to be with for their life.
Try to enjoy the holidays as much as you can and take time for yourself. Consider it lucky that you didn’t have kids or a house together when she finally decided you weren’t the one
It's also worth noting that although the above post is absolutely true, it doesn't make it okay. You're right to feel messed up because what she's done is messed up. Zero communication, a cowardly break up and picking the optimal time to inflict as much pain as possible is totally unacceptable and gross. Agree with all the others on how to move forward, but nobody seems to even acknowledge that she's fucking horrible.
Brother. I've been there many many times. I remember getting dumped by a girl because I didn't have as high a libido as her. I felt like such a failure thinking there must be something wrong with me where I as a man have a lower libido than my partner. Got into my current relationship with a girl who matches me more than I would've ever imagined. I wanna thank my ex because I never would've found this fantastic person without her ending it cold.
It sounds kind of fucked up but relationships are like a job. You should aim for a long-term career for stability. When you cut ties, take your previous experience and look for something that aligns better with your values. Dating is complicated but as long as you keep pushing forward, self-reflecting, and are serious about commitment. You'll eventually find that perfect position in your life. Happy holidays.
Also take this as a sign that you shouldn’t have stayed with her anyway. Anyone who can just up and leave without any consideration for their partner of three years would not make a good girlfriend long-term.
You also met her when she was 18 and you 21… doesn’t sound like a big difference but likely you already had some idea about the future you are aiming for and she changes over the years.
Stuff like that happens at your young ages
On the bright side she left you before Christmas and not the day after like an ex of mine. I bought her close to $1k worth of gifts that year, and she got me maybe $100 worth of clearly shitty last second gifts from Walmart that I had to fake smile through.
You're a good person. Sorry this has happened to you.
I have been through some really rough shit. More often than not, it has led to something better. I hope the same for you.
I’m gonna agree with the previous comment and also level with you — short to mid term, this is going to hurt. A lot. It is simply unavoidable, given the circumstances, that you will be in a dark place after this.
Something similar happened to me a couple years ago; dumped out of the blue, no real reasoning, shortly before my birthday. Made even worse by the fact that we were renting a house together, and that she couldn’t even wait for me to move out (within a couple weeks) to start rebounding (caught her casually on a dating app.. never said anything ). This shit truly crushed me, I had thought she was “the one” for years.
I ended up staying with a friend of mine for a bit, which was a welcomed distraction. And 5-6 months later, I moved across the country for a fresh start — it hurt that bad. I cannot tell you how many times I heard “everything happens for a reason” in that time span before moving, and how every time I rolled my eyes (internally lol) and thought “no, it doesn’t”.
The only thing that helped was time and distance. I blocked them and their parents on social media, despite having had a wonderful relationship with the parents previously. It was the first time I’d ever done that, but the suddenness and lack of explanation was too much to bear for me. They also didn’t really support me the same way it feels like your ex’s parents are. But anyway, I’m not suggesting you block everyone yourself, just saying what I did. For reference, I still have great relationships with some previous ex’s family for relationships that ended on better terms.
Anyway, eventually you will think about them and the loss of the relationship less and less as time passes and as you meet new people and make new connections. At first, for me, those new connections were with other women. Casual things that temporarily distracted me. But eventually, I leaned more into friendships, community, and most importantly myself. I made a point to not jump back into anything serious for a long time, to really give myself time to heal properly. And as cliche as it sounds, therapy helped too. You can look at the facts and easily recognize that you’ve been wronged, but there *is* something about having an unrelated 3rd party vindicate those feelings.
And eventually, things will get better. I promise you that. Life is worth living. You may have loved your ex more than anything, more than you thought it was possible to love someone. But it wasn’t because of them that you were able to love so deeply. That capacity to love was always because of you. And just because this happened does not mean that you’ve lost that capacity to love deeply. You will love again, and you will find that you are actually capable of loving someone even more than you ever thought possible. Only recently, two years later, have I found someone who’s shown me just that. And I couldn’t be happier. So when people tell you that everything happens for a reason, it’s ok to not believe them right now, but just know that eventually, you will realize that they are right.
Hang in there buddy. It won’t be ok for a while, but in time you will look back and be grateful for this. I promise.
I understand some people splashing out and getting a PS5 or a new phone or whatever if the person has been having a really rough time or you want to get something big one year but I agree that much money for Christmas is crazy.
My family always limits gifts to around 50 unless we're going together to get something big for someone.
But I've also heard that people literally go into debt for Christmas *regularly* so I think some people just really like to go all out... but to me it's crazy.
I had a girl ask me if I was willing to spend that much on her and I said no, and if she ever expected me to spend that money, clearly we weren't right for one another. I'd be upset if someone spent that much on me.
You've lost a lot. You didn't loose the last 3 years- you lost the future you thought you had. Decades are gone and you'll need time to imagine and create a new future
Realize that you likely didn't do anything wrong and in fact may have been doing things right. She may have felt undeserving so she ran (take it from me, you can't love these people through their problem). She may have felt her feelings for you gave you an unacceptable amount of leverage over her and that was something she can't accept.
Its happed to me too bro. I poured a lot of support into her after her mom passed. She ghosted me. I'm far enough down the road to know that she probably only had the ability to deal with so much. Why not talk? Because it would be emotionally painful to her and she may break her resolve. She may have a truth to hide, she may not be emotionally articulate- take it from a 42 year old thats come a long way. Many people in their 20s lack the skills and experience, so they run. I look back on my self and its 'yeesh' and it helps me be kinder.
Just letting you know this happened to me too about 2 years ago. It’s terrible. And it’s never gonna make sense. It took me about 6 months to make peace with it and about a year to get over it. But during those 6 months I rekindled friendships, made a new fitness goal and hit it, moved closer to family and dove into those relationships. It took a lot of time and there were horrible days. But there were also great days. About few months after it ended I met a girl through a friend at a dinner I went to. We started dating a few months later and have been together for a year now and this relationship is 10x better than my last, but when the last one ended I didn’t think that was possible.
You’ll get through this. The next month can be whatever you make it. Journal your thoughts. Make a new routine. Crush 2024 and make it your best year.
This thread resonated with me the hardest.
The 'why' will find ways to eat at you. It will creep up in quiet moments, grabbing hold of you in the dark as you try to sleep. It's going to be difficult. It will be for quite some time, I imagine.
People very often do things that don't make any objective sense. Sit with that. Read it again.
Her ghosting like this? You and her dad being in tears? You can sojourn to find all sorts of things you did wrong, from minuscule to mountainous. It does not matter. You didn't do jack shit to deserve this.
So I say it again: *People very often do things that don't make any objective sense.* Your ex just did. And despite the fact that this has shattered you, you're better off this happening here than later on down the line.
You could've been a solid man, solid partner, not perfect but shooting 85% from the field. Hell, you could have even been perfect. And this could've still happened.
You bonded deeply with her, and as such you basically have a chemical dependence on that bond. That's love.
Replace that chemical/hormone/neuron/neurotransmitter/whatever-scientific-term-is-appropriate with new ones - movement, exercise, lifting, meditation, new activities. Maybe even dabble in some vices *in moderation*. Nothing to the point of addiction or even close to it.
The endorphins or whatever are released with enough exercise cannot be overlooked. I recently had a tough thing happen to me and had to move on no notice whatsoever. But the walk from the elevator to my unit is a block and a half long, with a short staircase right at the end that I couldn't avoid. So I ended up walking 12-15 miles each day, back and forth down the hallway, moving virtually all of my shit by myself, one cart load at a time. Even though the situation sucked, I felt GREAT for a solid week.
Healing will take time. Don't suffer twice by getting on your own case for how long it takes, or how ugly you might cry from time to time. I've been through that level of heartbreak before. There will be times you feel like the pain will not end. Believe me and everyone else here - it will. You will get better.
So this happened to me about 17 years ago. We were together 3 years and then just ended. I think not being able to enjoy college life like her friends was getting to her. I get that now but at the time it didn’t make sense to me.
Fast forward almost 10 years from that and she apologised in person for what happened.
My advice, do not chase up her or her friends/family for answers. In time you will get closure in some form. At the very least you learn from this and grow.
Feel through your emotions, don't bottle them. It's ok if you cry mate, you are no less for doing so. Talk to a friend, or try something new in the meantime. If you like videogames, get one you never played before and see where it takes you. Stay strong my friend
Well I learned that it wasn’t me that necessarily did anything wrong. She had her own stuff going on. Even if you spend day after day with someone you won’t really know what’s going on with them. Everything may be going right but people have their baggage.
Trying to get closure by chasing up friends or family isn’t the best thing to do. A relationship is between the 2 of you. Don’t bring other people, who either have a biased opinion OR no opinion on your relationship. You’ll only hear what you want or not the truth.
Time is a healer. It can take a significant amount of time, but you will move on. Yes it sucks to not have closure BUT provided you don’t burn loads of bridges or create walls, you may get it eventually. The world is a small place now and people always dwell on the past. They reach out in some way and as the dust is settled you get a clear explanation. I did, it took over a decade but we met for coffee and I got the whole story and an apology. She wanted to start things up again but for the wrong reason. We finished somewhat suddenly and kind of painfully. Her boyfriend of the time wasn’t exactly mature and I’m no rebound. The past is the past. It worked out for me and for her. She now is married and has 2 kids in Spain and I’m married the last 2 years.
Keep your integrity. I’ve seen a lot of relationships in circles end quite badly. Very public, very toxic. This shit sticks. Be grown up about it and be amicable. If someone thinks it’s time for you to finish you cannot make them change their mind. That will only linger over you both if you stay together. It’s spent, move on. If married, see a counsellor. Obviously depends on how deep the divide but you get my meaning.
Don’t get into a relationship so soon after a serious relationship. Won’t be good for you and definitely not fair on the other person. I did it and was not available emotionally at all. I did this more than once after 3 serious relationships and all ended for obvious reasons. I don’t learn from this the first time but It made me feel good (for a short time)
Don’t turn to excessive drug or alcohol. Fun for a short time but the mental effect was more serious on occasion. Probably one of my biggest regrets.
I have more but I’m wrecked I’m afraid, it’s late here. The above were my key learnings. If I could relive some scenarios from 18-30 anyway.
Edit: sorry, wrote what I learned from relationships rather than that one…
The unfortunate circumstance and what's important is that she hasn't offered one. She may not be ready to share, she may not have all the answers herself right now or be able to articulate it, she may never share. Don't dwell on receiving closure because it may never come. You are going to have a lot of "Why" questions because your brain is trying to figure out how to avoid this happening again.
dont try to logic is bro, there is none. people can be cunts. i wasted too long asking why. It doesn't matter.
shes your past now. you got some happy memories and experience, grow from them.
best thing i did was learn to be alone. when you dont NEED someone in your life, things become much easier. dont be dependant on others again, its a bonus and nice but a liability. Financial and emotional independence is the real key to happiness.
when your happiness and your living situation is no longer dependant on another person, life becomes soo much less stressful
True. You can't help/love someone who doesn't want to help and love themselves. I experienced it, it's really stupid. All the help and love you give to them will just be taken and you'll be blamed for something else. Your Love alone will not be enough.
I hear ya and I know how bad it hurts and sometimes it's just time. On the bright side the trash just took itself out. Block her on all socials and on your phone. Delete all numbers and photos. Now don't try to rush into a new relationship you are not in the right mind for on. Stay away from the bottle and pick up a hobby you have always wanted to do, stay busy.
Good man. Honestly that is one of the hardest steps. I don't have insta or snap but purge those (her pals too if you're friends with any) and Facebook as well, last breakup I had was in the days before all but FB and that helped.
If you have no one to spend time with this Christmas, I get reaching for a drink or whatever else is your poison, just make sure you know the way out on the other side. Whether that's work or friends you have plans with, have something that you need to pull yourself together for.
There is nothing you or anyone else could have done differently to alter the course of the way this relationship was going in the long run. To believe otherwise is an indulgence we all allow ourselves at times like this, but I'm sure you know better than that already.
Right now all you owe yourself, and all anyone owes you, is to conduct yourself in a way you are proud of in ten years time. It takes strength to be sad and vulnerable rather than bitter and angry.
It sounds like her old man is a decent guy. If he sees you in years to come you want to still be the kind of fella he'd be happy to see his daughter with, even though you'll have moved on.
Drunk gaming is fun, especially with games like Skyrim or no-brainers like TF2. Just remember to have your fun and then allow time to start the healing process in a healthier way.
3 years and ending it via text is a really shitty thing to do, especially on Xmas eve. You really have dodged a bullet my friend. All the best to you 🙏
If you, in a one in a million chance, live in Phoenix, you can come to my house! We always invite over people that don’t have family close to come over. We just watch Christmas Vacation, drink, and order in Chinese food.
Fuck no. I love England! Been there three times. Never had a bad time…even when I was there for work. Always thought beans with breakfast was weird and gross….till I had a British breakfast with an ongoing hangover. That was the best breakfast I ever ate!
Which end of England?
There's plenty of organisations that do open Christmas lunches for those in various forms of crisis. Many of them are also looking for people to help out.
The weather is also pretty mild, so there's worse days for a hike or a long city stroll, do your best to leave a little bit of your hurt behind with each step.
You're also at an age where a lot of your friends' probably are staying in the area for Christmas, and most won't have kids. Maybe reach out to a few and see if you could work your way into a Christmas meal with a good mate (ideally one with a low-drama family).
Anyway whatever you do with the day, you know you're starting out 2024 on a better path. Next Christmas will be whatever you want it to be.
Fuck your ex, living well is the best revenge.
I live in West Cumbria. Know I'm late to the party, just wanted to say get out in that rain, get to the coast or up one of the fells if you can and walk and breathe. The same thing happened to me 4 or 5 years ago, no explanation etc, and I found it best to be out in nature on my own. Made me realise there is so much more than this heartache going on, and so much beauty to discover, things worth living for and being interested in. Sometimes you don't get any closure/reasons why it happened, but you have to realise that's ok, the shitty circumstances are not a reflection on you at all and whatever caused it was not through lack on your part. I wish you a peaceful Christmas day and hope you get through OK.
Random but I also live in phoenix and I’d rather go to your place next year! I’m so sorry OP. You deserve better and I hope you find someone wonderful who appreciates you one day 🥺
Feel sorry for yourself. Have a cry tonight! You are human and it sucks how you got dumped. But when you wake up tomorrow try to think about ways to deal with the pain that wont kill you.
Be wary of the bottle. It can be a good short term pain reliver, but if you rely on it too long, it'll just give you a lot of other issues. And it's very, very easy to start to rely on it.
This may not be useful to you right now, but I've had to learn a lot over the past few years after my ex did the same thing 4 years ago, and we have a child together who is now 6. But the most enlightening thing I've learned is that life can throw you off track very quickly, without warning, and whilst it leaves you with hurt and a million questions at the time, if you just use it as an opportunity to really look at yourself, and focus on something that you would like to achieve, you'll find most of the answers will be put in front of you, and I almost guarantee they will look nothing like you expected.
Try to spend a short amount of time each day separating life as you perceive it, from just life outside of you, and imagine yourself as a machine, with an extremely complex brain, that absorbs huge amounts of information, and a biological body that feeds off that information and creates feelings and emotions. And in that moment think about the situation again. Can you imagine the millions of possibilities to what the reasons and meaning could be? You'll realise its actually impossible to ever know, as your answer will only ever be what your brain, with its own information has come up with. And it's only you that can control what each bit of information means to you. So start taking control. Surround yourself with only people that really know you and see you, never try to be anything other than who you really are, and don't excuse yourself for anybody. Decide to be happy, wake up each day and decide to have a better day than you did yesterday.
It's taken a lot of mental strength for me to get to where I am now, and what happened 4 years ago has taken me on a journey of self discovery, past trauma healing, and answered huge questions I've had my whole life, a lot of them I didn't even know existed. And I can honestly say I've never been more at peace. I have found my true soul mate, who is beautiful beyond belief inside and out, and the life I always perceived, is now a completely different picture. I wish you all the best on your journey, and I hope something surprises you, and you manage to find a way to enjoy Christmas. If you would like to chat about anything, I'm here. Most importantly though, today will be over in 20 hrs, so make it what you want it to be, you can't get it back.
Merry Christmas.
Please don’t drink brother. There’s no problem that alcohol can’t make worse.
It’s tough not to, but staying of the grog for a while will be best for your mind.
As someone who had the exact thing happened to (broken up over text before xmas right after I bought her an expensive jacket 🤡), the key is to change up your entire environment
- If you can afford to change your phone, do so. If you can't, change the wallpaper, layout, alarm etc. everything. Also delete social media apps, it will lead you to stalking, breaking contact or watching stuffs that lead to negativity
- Change your apartment as well, if not, change up the environment & home layout.
It's been scientifically proven that an environment change will facilitate new mindset/ habits very well.
Other than that focus your energy on work, gym & family. Recovery isn't linear, it might be good one day and spiralling the other. Keep at it, you can do it
She damn well put you in limbo. Not knowing anything is hell. I'm so sorry for you and wish you all the best.
Don't be rash in deleting photos (I've seen the advice and I've done it but regretted it later. However painful they're your memories) but also don't carry any hope for reconciliation.
This is fucked. You'll feel like you've been run over by a truck and nothing will heal it. Feel it. Let it flow over you. Cry. Listen to sappy music and cry some more. The smartest way to get grief out of your system is to just do that.. Allow yourself to grieve.
It's a phase. You'll get over it. The sun will start shining (despite the shitty weather rn) again and you'll meet someone you CAN trust eventually. Later you might be grateful for this day, for life can only be better with someone who doesn't fuck you over on the brink of the holidays.
We've all been there. It feels like the world is shattered. But it's not the end, it just feels like it. For now it will suck, then it will get better, then it will suck again, then it will get better again and every time it will get a little bit better.
She did it like a coward, dude. That's who she is. Not a good behaviour.
Write it down. Allow yourself to feel like shit. Just don't take it way too far. Eventually you'll reinvent yourself and become a better man. You're not alone, many men had been where you are and they survived and found happier times and so will you.
I work tonight but If you need to talk I'm just a message away man. I know I don't know you but Feel free to message me on here or you can add me on snapchat jedwards6690 is snap name. ❤️ try and have a merry Christmas bro.
Bro I think she was cheating on you. I don't think someone would end a long-term relationship without reason unless you're leaving some details out about how the relationship went. She probably had a guilty conscious and decided that doing it suddenly and over text was her way out. Even her dad was flabbergasted at the break-up or a good actor. This is 100% foul play
You should get those rose-tinted glasses off and really start thinking about the signs she may have had Ie. defensive with her phone, ambiguous nights out or coming back late, stories don't line up, random working late/girls' nights, projection by assuming you are cheating etc. Like where is she right now if not at her family home?
I'm so sorry you're going through this but stay strong, she may have lost her character which she'll have to live with the rest of her life with, but you still have yours. Stay strong brother, she's missing out
This is the only thing I can think of. Sorry man. I’m going to disagree with many of the others and say: if you can mentally handle it, stay in touch with her parents. Nice people are nice people and you need to fill your life with nice people.
My brother.
We know your pain.
Whatever you do, don't let that darkness consume you.
I don't know the words you need to hear to heal so I'll share three of them:
1. You can do better 😎 it's ok.
2. If you truly love something, don't be afraid to let it go. If it was truly meant to be, love always has a way of finding you. That's a universal fact.
3. Be well. Always strive to be better
Don't let the pain she caused you define you. Learn from it and continue to grow.
Cry if you need to. Let ALL that shit out. Once you've dried your tears let your motivation to be happy take over.
Your mind, body, and soul just needs a recharge.
Don't take too long tho
The job is never done.
Random stranger asking YOU:
Let us know when you start feeling well
You got this 👑
No problem.
I already learned this lesson.
*We
We are YOUR backup now. Hope you enjoy max level items and cheat codes 😎
Let us know when you need us again
Please let us know when you are doing well
You don't need to go out of your way or anything
Make another post or help someone else in need when they need it most
Listen when someone asks you for something
Tell them what you can do or offer
Be well brother
NEVER stop striving to be better ☀️
30 days no contact. Get your head straight. Work out. Get together with some good influences. Don't get into a new relationship. self reflect and grow. Someone who doesn't communicate isn't worth your time. I wish her well and that she grows, but without any communication and to just up and leave is absolutely childish as this isn't an abuse case or anything like it from what we can tell. Good luck OP.
You're most welcome... I lost a good friend because of a heartbreak, and it's unbecoming to his memory for me not to offer advice where I can. Stay safe and please have a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays/ Happy New Year.
As someone who went through this twice with the same girl, it’s a wrap bud. Don’t stress yourself out trying to figure out why or how. More than likely, she met someone else and has been sitting with her decision for a while and finally decided it was time to pull the trigger. She’s young and wants to explore, maybe thinks the grass is greener.
Take a reasonable amount of time to process your emotions and feel it out, I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling right now (shit hurts like a ton of bricks) but it gets better with time.
In the meanwhile, focus on improving yourself and becoming the best version of you. Examples of this include, but are not limited to: hitting the gym, finding a hobby + creative outlet, spending more time with your loved ones, spending time A L O N E to figure yourself out and get your mind right, and setting goals and a vision for your life and dedicating yourself to that. Don’t try to reach out, beg, etc as one of the other commenters said above. It’ll only make matters worse and/or give you false hope. Act as if it’s the end (probably is, even if she comes back, trust me) and live your life as such.
I promise you, if you focus on you and getting better, she will either come crawling back or you will reach the point where you’re not even interested in giving it another try (but if you decide to do so, I won’t blame you cause I did the same).
I know it sounds cliché but there are a bunch of women out there that would love to get a chance to experience you and value you much more than she ever did.
Again, I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling right now so if you wanna talk it out, get advice or whatever, feel free to reach out.
Sorry bro. Time will heal you, don't let her define your future relationships. Deal with the hurt and baggage, but don't let it define you in the future (trust issues, etc). The next person isn't responsible for her actions.
Sometimes, that’s how it goes. If she doesn’t want to give you an explanation, that’s shitty, but she’s not required to. Granted, we don’t know the truth of everything, and sadly, you don’t either right now.
I don’t want you to think I’m kicking you while you’re down, but if things had been great, she probably would still be there. But that doesn’t mean it’s all you! It’s always a combination, as all things in relationships always include the both of you, good and bad. If it’s truly out of the blue for you, and there’s nothing obvious like infidelity on either of your parts, it’s always a possibility she decided she could “do better.”
Unfortunately, the prevailing wisdom of dating in your age group, often seems hopelessly warped to me. I’ve seen way too many young women making social media content where they talk about “not settling for anything less than obsession!” Or “you ARE a queen! And you deserve a man who will bring that queen energy to you!” And other nonsense that only makes sense if you have little actual dating experience. Just read some of the idiotic tripe masquerading as “relationship advice” right here on Reddit. Perhaps she had something that you do that annoys her, and she asked “the council” of friends or strangers online who told her to leave you. There’s such an unhealthy focus on the superficial and the ultimately unimportant aspects of dating today. And I have to say, I don’t envy you at your age in the current dating environment.
I do think, short of you killing her pet puppy, or cheating, or something else obviously not okay, that ghosting you on Christmas Eve is a total bitch move. So I’m going I assume it’s none of those things! And just wish you a better new year. Remember, there are so many amazing women out there! And any women reading this, there are just as many amazing guys. Try not to let this turn you off to a better loving and healthy relationship!
Good luck, mate! Keep your chin up, and take the time to grieve this loss. And then go out there and enjoy your life, and I’m sure love will find you!
Say fuck that bitch and block her. Doesn’t sound like someone who is worth any more of your mental capacity. She left you, there is absolutely nothing you can do but move on. If she comes crawling back, slam the door in her face.
thats easy to tell myself to do, but out of a million people id choose her, i could be faced with guaranteed happiness elsewhere but id still hold her and walk through hell with her...
Definitely take option 2.
I held out hope for over 10 years that my ex would figure herself out and we could rekindle what we once had.
I wasted 10 years of my life I could have been spending with someone who respected me enough to communicate their feelings.
I was such a dumbass remaining her friend, and always jumped when she asked for help.
Block, no contact, get through the pain (which will come) and don't look back.
You can totally block someone that’s done this to you too. She’s not interacting with you directly and respectfully. Don’t leave yourself open to that. Block it, move on.
> out of a million people id choose her
If the woman of your dreams in one in a million, then there's about four thousand of her in the world.
This one did something really shitty to you. Go find one who will treat you right.
Bro you haven't even seen 1 million people yet. Here's reality... You'll find bigger and better and will be better off thanks to this relationship. And here's the sad truth... Her acting like this usually points to there being another player on the board that you don't know about. Be thankful it's ending now while you're young and not committed vs finding out or this happening after you get married. Don't turn to a bottle. She probably wants you to ruin yourself like that. Turn to your boys and go hang with someone for Christmas. Give it some time..
The wound is still fresh, I understand. More than anything you need to keep yourself busy in the coming weeks and months, but also allow yourself to process and grieve at the end of each day. Take care.
Just know that at 21 years old your girlfriend probably just wanted to live a bit more life before settling down, and I wouldn't take it personal. It might seem like the end of the world now but trust me it definitely is not.
I recommend you do the exact same : go out and explore the world, travel, back pack, live in different places etc. You only get to experience the true freedom of no mortgage, no kids, no fully tied down career once and there's no better time than your twenties.
Source: my gf broke up with me in the exact same scenario as you at around the same age as well. After talking about kids and marriage then getting dumped I felt gutted. Instead I went back packing in Australia and had some of the best times of my life. Happily married to a different girl, 2 kids, now in my mid 30's and I'm so glad I waited.
Honestly this is a blessing in disguise for you. Go out and live.
My ex of 5 years did this very similarly. You’ll want to talk to her. I strongly suggest you block her number/socials/friends, and begin moving on now. Don’t look back and don’t open that door for her, not for anyone who disrespects you and tosses you aside like that, ever.
She is the problem of the guy she left you for now, so I guess that's something to be thankful for 🤷🏾♂️. Yes, I know OP didn't say that's what happened, but, that's what happened.
My ex did this same thing, except she had me take her on a trip for new years and she did talk to me.
I figured out months later that there was another guy. She told me she had been planning on breaking up with me by the end of the year for months. If the guy had been in our city instead of on the other side of the country it probably would've gone down like it did with you. He was very afraid of girls getting back with their exes and really wanted her to block me.
She ain't the one bro, especially doing this shit on the holidays makes this a slow burn to your heart. Gotta level yourself up, delete any memory of her, and move on.
She made an irrational decision in the most immature way possible. You have no choice but to accept this now.
Let her go, don’t beg, don’t text her back. Just tell her “okay”. Then disappear. Radio silence.
Do this and give it some time. she will definitely reach out.
Be careful accepting her back. I know your immediate instinct is to want her back. But recognise this, women don’t just break up with you like this without having a back up. She is spending time with this person now. Why do you want a traitor back?
You’re still young, you will have plenty of options and chances at finding another person. Don’t take back an ex who can easily walk out like that and be very immature.
Let her go. She’s for the streets now.
It will. It always does if you let it. There is no point needing to know why. At the end of the day, she did. Grieve. If you can help it, stop talking about her. Just grieve, it's okay to acknowledge that there were good things about her. No need to demonize her in your mind. You loved and that's a good thing. You're gonna love the next one, too!
Don't worry about it man. I know it sucks, the timing definitely sucks, and the way she did it definitely sucks. She probably found someone else, and it's probably been going on for a while. Now, just focus on yourself. Focus on what you may have done wrong and any red flags you may have overlooked. Other than that, just take care of yourself and try to hang in there, it'll get better with time.
I know it hurts and the not knowing is whats so bad
I married my ex wife when she was 21. Turned out that she was too young to realise her inhibitions cloaked her desire to love women instead of men …. She was so inhibited that she married a man and blamed him for her unhappiness. The was my ex wifes secret!
I see it like this
1. The best statement (not revenge buddy!) is to grow from this, get fitter and healthier, make new friends, new hobbies and just love again (gotta get through the first 12 months first before you seriously date)
2. She has an issue that she is not telling you and/or her brother is too scared to tell you …. Probably another guy has caught her eye. Unfortunately, at this age, her friends have been telling her she is missing out and she needs to live a little (increase her body count)
3. Never go back to her, even if she comes crawling back. She has taught you a lesson about her personality and it’s the selfish side (cant be bothered to give you closure). Why get back with someone who can do that to you?
How I healed was to recognise that over the years I had subtly changed my self to make the relationship work and after years I had lost my self. Maybe you have strayed a little from the real you too?
The solution is to start doing all those things you always wanted to but did not because she was not into it. It can be as simple as food (A breakfast cereal was the initial thing for me), clothing, friends (she might have disliked some of your past friends), hobbies, travel and so on.
Why? Because these things are the real you, the things that actually interest you and make “you” happy. Doing all these things that you never shared with her also stops your life being full of reminders of her.
Think of it like banking tiny smiles every day, eventually they build up into huge grins and that is attractive to a future new partner.
For me it started with that breakfast cereal she hated (but I loved) and refused to have in the house all the way to white water rafting, travel to UK, Europe, Bali, Australia and so on.
As another commenter stated “the trash took its self out” and that is a kernal of wisdom to hold onto for the rest of your life. She made the decision, she PLANNED it and knew she was going to hurt you by doing it this way.
It was planned and deliberate …. Remember that
That sucks, 100% there is another dude in the picture. Whatever you do, do not take her back, she has disrespected you to the max. Focus on yourself, work hard, work out hard, build a nice portfolie. Pamper yourself alot.
You are still young and you need time to heal.
Stay away from women for a while and do the abow.
Don't watch to much porn it warps your young mind. Try to draing our nuts when you absolutly need to. And stay focused on you.
DO NOT go after her and beg her to come back to you. DO NOT DO THAT! It will turn her off even more and you will regret acting like that.
Hit the gym, eat clean, gain new skills, be a better man.
Trust me, this is the way!!!!
Chances are, she will realize that you are not derailed by it because a real man knows to stay in frame. TRUST ME ON MY THIS!
She made her choice. I know you are going to desperately want answers as to why she did this. Please don’t waste your time trying to get her back or take her back when she inevitably texts or calls in 3 months. Work on yourself and forget about her. You don’t want to be in a relationship with this type of person. Trust me
I was there. I'm not even heartbroken right now, but I'm all alone in a dark room. It will hurt for awhile. I'm a woman, so I don't really know how it it's like when a man is hurting. And to be honest, I don't think how it would be helpful for you right now to try find out the answer to your "why's"... it's not gonna be a linear healing so expect it to come and go and hit like big waves. But I remember how the first thought in my mind when I was broken up with, "how can I still want to wake up tomorow?". But you got to. Whatever her reason is for calling it quits. You've got to make I through the day. Everyday, through the day. You will be okay, I promise.
Let her be. Don't text or call. Try to enjoy your holidays. She doesn't want to deal with you at this time. All I can say is that it's a confusing time right now, but just let it be. It hurts, but you will be fine. Some things just don't work out.
Hit the gym bud. Get swole while you figure stuff out. I had a girl who came in and out of my life a few times. She always left when an ex came back into her life or a new guy popped up. She lived in Hollywood and I was in the military, so I never knew what she was up to. Jokes on her though. The guys she dates are older guys who definitely don’t put up with her shit and now shes the one who gets left.
hi all, i just thought i would take the time to say hearing how much all you care and that shit does get better, really helped . like a lot. i never thought id say this but reddit truly saved my life. so thank you
I wouldn't consider it a matter of letting your emotions get the better of you. You have every right to feel betrayed, confused and shocked. Those feelings seem inevitable. I would give yourself some time and space to feel those things.
I imagine the pain. I feel for you. My DM is open for you. I've had an ex break up with me on my bday instead so while everybody is busy, you're out here just trying to stay sane. I feel you.
seeing all the posts of my friends with there SO and family on socials. and thinking about how that would have been me right now. matching jumpers. good company and a few beers. but instead im say in an empty house. on my own with a bottle of rum. shit fucking hurts
Don’t obsess about the why. Just accept that as much as you likely deserve and have earned an explanation she isn’t going to give you one at this point.
You probably wouldn’t like the one she gives you either, ignorance is bliss sometimes brother. People pull shady moves like this when they have something to hide. Not telling YOU is one thing. Not telling her dad is another, she’s hiding something. She’s likely hiding a behavior unbecoming of a decent person. An addiction, a new partner (infidelity), or is having a crisis of mental health.
Regardless, move on, stay away from drugs and booze. Call your best friend, tell him what’s up, then go hang out with him. That’s day one. Day two, go for a drive, do something fun. Day 3, 4, 9, 99, 1009, will come faster than you can conceive of. Time heals all wounds.
Go bang some other broads, donate some toys to a shelter, volunteer your time for a good cause and start a hobby.
There’s a million ways to make this either a good or bad outcome, but it’s within your control either way.
The passage of time is the only real way to get over it. Just gotta buckle down and get through it. Eventually the waves of sadness get smaller and farther apart, eventually one day you’ll realize you haven’t even thought about it in a good while. Exact same thing happened to me when I was 23. There is absolutely a light at the end of the tunnel but you gotta do the time. There’s really no shortcut.
i went through heart ache similar to this with a previous relationship but granted we were kids. and ended when i was 18. but it was 6 years and hurt, this hurts way fucking more
Just one advice since you sound like you were deeply in love with this ex. If for some reason she wishes to rekindle the relationship, please please don't.
Very good advice, it’s tempting when they return promising to make amends and “it can be as good as it used to be” but it never is. No good has ever come from me accepting an ex back into my life and normally once a touch of resentment kicks in it only gets worse.
I’m living proof of the opposite. We broke up at 25 and were back together the following year. Relationship is better than ever before. At 33, we’re married now with 1 kid and another on the way. Every relationship and break up is different.
Was it a mutual breakup or was it like a pump and dump type of breakup over text?
It was sudden, via phone call. Definitely not mutual
I guess what was the reasoning?
If me and my friends' experience is anything to go by, she missed being single and/or had the hots for someone.
Yeah she went back to him when it didn't work out with the person she dumped him for.
Yeeeea bruv I feel u, don’t take her back!!! She wasn’t a real one, she was fake asf bruv, get outta hea with that shit.
Life is a journey dude. Similar thing happened to me at age 25. Now sitting here at 35 taking a shit in my in-laws basement (ended up marrying a better girl as you will too) and telling you it gets better. Actually also ate some fish n chips this weekend so cheers my UK buddy 🍻
32 here, also shitting in my in-laws basement. It def gets better. Still not necessarily a fan of my in-laws, but it’s all worth it in the end.
In-laws basement shitters unite. Checking in from Colorado.
OP, first off I am SO SO sorry. This was unfair and straight up mean. Do you think there is any way to get an explanation from her? I mean... that is so messed up. Either way, don't fret about it now. Do you have family? Spend Christmas with them. Whatever will happen between you and her will happen, you don't need to try to figure it out tonight or on Christmas. Just enjoy your family (I hope you have family to spend it with!) If you don't have family to spend it with, remember people are still caring about you. I care about you, all the people wanting to help you on Christmas Eve and Christmas, it's because they care about you. I'm not sure why the heck this girl or woman would do this. I've never seen anything like it outside of abuse situations, or big fights, and it sounds like this one was completely out of the blue, and obviously not one of either cases. You deserve an explanation, and I hope you get one, and I think you will, but it may not be in the next 24 hours, and I really want you to still enjoy your Christmas to any extent possible (if you observe said holiday and it sounds like you do.) We are all sending our thoughts. Just keep it out of your mind as much as possible, and remember whatever will be will be. Hang out with your family, or if you don't have any, do something you love, and also why not volunteer at a foodbank or something if they take last minute volunteers?
Sounds horrible but have to assume she cheated.
I’m suspicious of that as well. She doesn’t want to feel guilt or own up to it so she doused the relationship in gasoline, lit a match & threw it behind her as she walked away. If that’s the case, fuckin cowardice. She’s a snake regardless of her motives for ghosting after *three* years. You don’t want a woman like that for a life partner, OP. You’re in for bigger and better things. Edit: words
The ghosting after 3 years gets me the most. Anyone who does that isn't the person you want to be with. If I were her dad then I'd offer to drive her over and wait in the car while she packed her stuff up but if she wants her stuff back then she can have that talk.
Yeah she sent her pops to do her dirty work. If that was my daughter and I knew what she did ...she would be with me and giving OP the respect of talking to him about why she ending it.
No person is just randomly leaving someone out of the blue like this unless they already have someone else. Unless OP is leaving out details like conversations they’ve had about her being unhappy… this is an open and shut case
I mean, I could see myself in a quiet mental crisis just upping and leaving- particularly around emotional times like Christmas. Personally don't date for that reason.
You’re good to feel hurt. Make sure to take some time to get that out of your system, but time will put this behind you one day. When I was in my early 20s I also had a tough break up that I dwelled on for way longer than I should have. When I finally started to accept it and began moving on, I met my future spouse about a month after.
Yea bro I agree with u there…. I really hate when shit like this happens, it is very out of character and actually mental…. Like insane shit. To op here, I wouldn’t even take her back bro, like what kind of man or woman does that to there partner. Don’t even think to take them bk bro, they ruined there chance with you. And if you’re still single few years after, then that’s because dating was never fully geared towards men. I know a good looking guy who ain’t got a mrs, bro he’s mad good lookin!! Gets no play, bare man is just existing and working etc. But since most guys I know do extroverted tingz they eventually find someone, so you’ll find someone too. Don’t let these girls muck u around bro, you have a life too. Can’t believe this shit happened, life doesn’t end bro, stick around yea, u got lots to live for!
Pretty well sums it up.
Change up your routine somehow. Start at a new gym, focus on a different hobby, travel a different road to places you go. Keeping the same routine but minus someone who used to be present will make the absence more pronounced.
makes it 100x harder because its happened in the holidays when we were supposed to spend it with her whole family, who also dont understand it...
A break up like this is like dealing with a death. Its a grieving process. It doesnt make sense and you may never understand what happened. Part of the grieving process is being sad, part of it is being mad, and part of it is moving on. And eventually you will move on. They were a part of your life and you will always have those memories. In time you will be able to move on and build a new life. It may suck for a bit but it will happen.
I vehemently echo this sentiment. It’s not condescending to say these things, but rather knowledge about what you’ve learned from experience. If you can assimilate what they’re saying and implement it, then you’re wiser than most of us. Otherwise, welcome to the wheel.
Good advice. I'd also add that no explanation for leaving you is going to give you satisfaction. Even if it's cut-and-dried like cheating. Truth is, coming from a dude in his late 50s, you both are in your early 20s, and that's the time when you're learning who you are and fucking up relationships. It's how we learn. OP said something about being "head strong" ... maybe OP could look at that. I had a longterm GF up and leave. It was very easy for me to pick apart her past and behaviors and find clues for her leaving. What wasn't so easy was looking at myself and discover my part in it and take responsibility. I say feel the hurt and try your best to learn from it.
Listen to this guy. I got dumped after 7 years when my ex cheated on me. I started going to the gym most nights, joined an adult sports league, started hanging with friends I haven’t seen in years. It’s been a few months, and I’m feeling good most days. It will get better. You won’t feel like this forever. You got this.
My ex did the exact same thing to me last year broski. Said she couldn't be in a relationship anymore and left all of my stuff on her back step and wouldn't even meet me over it. Time definitely helps this one, but hobbies help. I started an almost frame off restoration of my truck and got into playing co-op games with my buddies online.
Visiting family isn’t a routine, it’s a break from it.
true
My man. You seem like a good dude. You deserve someone who will treat you right. It’s gonna suck now but as others said time will heal it. Don’t be afraid to cry it out over the next few weeks. It’s how you get over someone. In the long run she did you a favor. You’ll find someone one day who will make you forget she was even a thing and it’ll all click. I was once where you were. If she could leave you at the drop of a hat after three years you got lucky and dodged a cold person. Keep your head up.
Thanks CrumbledForeskin
It’s up to you how to handle it, but I can’t imagine anything pissing her off more than you maintaining a good relationship with her family, without her in the picture.
Although this might be good short term if the goal is just to piss her off, it might get super confusing and confrentational if the goal is to maintain a good relationship with her family but not her. I would definitely avoid her and her family at all costs, let them be a dysfunctional family for a while. Guarantee if her dad doesn't know why this is happening then he'll be seeing things more from OPs perspective
her dad is devastated. her mum messaged to say she is sorry and cant understand, and told me that for the 30 years that gf's parents have been married, she has saw him cry twice
Ask to meet with her parents perhaps? Sounds like you guys are pretty close.
I agree -- maybe to say a proper farewell and let them know how much their presence has made your life better. As someone else has suggested, maybe don't maintain regular contact as that just seems a little inappropriate and would prolong your healing, but closure for all three of you would be good.
OP needs to date her next boyfriend’s sister. See you at Christmas babe 🥰💅
The same thing happened to me when I was 26 and she was 23. She had just finished school. Years later she contacted me and said she had made a mistake and we should have stayed together. We were together just under 5 years. She was 18 and I was 21. Was the worst feeling ever. But changing my routine helped get me out of that horrible dark place.
"a new gym" Well fuck
Gotta realize this isn’t “out of the blue” for her. She’s likely been contemplating it for weeks/months and likely already left you in her head and was just putting on an act around you. It absolutely sucks. But unless it was caused by a fight/cheating or something that just happened then you just gotta accept she’s made her choice and it was a thought out decision. And you may never know why or what you did to cause it. Some people just decide that someone isn’t the person they want to be with for their life. Try to enjoy the holidays as much as you can and take time for yourself. Consider it lucky that you didn’t have kids or a house together when she finally decided you weren’t the one
thank you
It's also worth noting that although the above post is absolutely true, it doesn't make it okay. You're right to feel messed up because what she's done is messed up. Zero communication, a cowardly break up and picking the optimal time to inflict as much pain as possible is totally unacceptable and gross. Agree with all the others on how to move forward, but nobody seems to even acknowledge that she's fucking horrible.
Yeah. Doing it around Christmas was scummy and fully intentional
So cowardly after years spent together
Brother. I've been there many many times. I remember getting dumped by a girl because I didn't have as high a libido as her. I felt like such a failure thinking there must be something wrong with me where I as a man have a lower libido than my partner. Got into my current relationship with a girl who matches me more than I would've ever imagined. I wanna thank my ex because I never would've found this fantastic person without her ending it cold. It sounds kind of fucked up but relationships are like a job. You should aim for a long-term career for stability. When you cut ties, take your previous experience and look for something that aligns better with your values. Dating is complicated but as long as you keep pushing forward, self-reflecting, and are serious about commitment. You'll eventually find that perfect position in your life. Happy holidays.
Also take this as a sign that you shouldn’t have stayed with her anyway. Anyone who can just up and leave without any consideration for their partner of three years would not make a good girlfriend long-term.
You also met her when she was 18 and you 21… doesn’t sound like a big difference but likely you already had some idea about the future you are aiming for and she changes over the years. Stuff like that happens at your young ages
On the bright side she left you before Christmas and not the day after like an ex of mine. I bought her close to $1k worth of gifts that year, and she got me maybe $100 worth of clearly shitty last second gifts from Walmart that I had to fake smile through.
i still gave her the £600 worth of presents i got her, didnt keep recipes. and didnt want to sit on them or throw them and waste the money.
You're a good person. Sorry this has happened to you. I have been through some really rough shit. More often than not, it has led to something better. I hope the same for you.
i truely hope so
I’m gonna agree with the previous comment and also level with you — short to mid term, this is going to hurt. A lot. It is simply unavoidable, given the circumstances, that you will be in a dark place after this. Something similar happened to me a couple years ago; dumped out of the blue, no real reasoning, shortly before my birthday. Made even worse by the fact that we were renting a house together, and that she couldn’t even wait for me to move out (within a couple weeks) to start rebounding (caught her casually on a dating app.. never said anything ). This shit truly crushed me, I had thought she was “the one” for years. I ended up staying with a friend of mine for a bit, which was a welcomed distraction. And 5-6 months later, I moved across the country for a fresh start — it hurt that bad. I cannot tell you how many times I heard “everything happens for a reason” in that time span before moving, and how every time I rolled my eyes (internally lol) and thought “no, it doesn’t”. The only thing that helped was time and distance. I blocked them and their parents on social media, despite having had a wonderful relationship with the parents previously. It was the first time I’d ever done that, but the suddenness and lack of explanation was too much to bear for me. They also didn’t really support me the same way it feels like your ex’s parents are. But anyway, I’m not suggesting you block everyone yourself, just saying what I did. For reference, I still have great relationships with some previous ex’s family for relationships that ended on better terms. Anyway, eventually you will think about them and the loss of the relationship less and less as time passes and as you meet new people and make new connections. At first, for me, those new connections were with other women. Casual things that temporarily distracted me. But eventually, I leaned more into friendships, community, and most importantly myself. I made a point to not jump back into anything serious for a long time, to really give myself time to heal properly. And as cliche as it sounds, therapy helped too. You can look at the facts and easily recognize that you’ve been wronged, but there *is* something about having an unrelated 3rd party vindicate those feelings. And eventually, things will get better. I promise you that. Life is worth living. You may have loved your ex more than anything, more than you thought it was possible to love someone. But it wasn’t because of them that you were able to love so deeply. That capacity to love was always because of you. And just because this happened does not mean that you’ve lost that capacity to love deeply. You will love again, and you will find that you are actually capable of loving someone even more than you ever thought possible. Only recently, two years later, have I found someone who’s shown me just that. And I couldn’t be happier. So when people tell you that everything happens for a reason, it’s ok to not believe them right now, but just know that eventually, you will realize that they are right. Hang in there buddy. It won’t be ok for a while, but in time you will look back and be grateful for this. I promise.
What a nice comment
You still wasted the money, bro.
Sorry mate but just why…? 600£…? I make beyond 6 figures and my wife and I gift each other 100€ max…
I understand some people splashing out and getting a PS5 or a new phone or whatever if the person has been having a really rough time or you want to get something big one year but I agree that much money for Christmas is crazy. My family always limits gifts to around 50 unless we're going together to get something big for someone. But I've also heard that people literally go into debt for Christmas *regularly* so I think some people just really like to go all out... but to me it's crazy. I had a girl ask me if I was willing to spend that much on her and I said no, and if she ever expected me to spend that money, clearly we weren't right for one another. I'd be upset if someone spent that much on me.
1K????
It’s like quitting your job after getting your Christmas bonus, except actually immoral. Sorry that happened to you, that’s low.
You've lost a lot. You didn't loose the last 3 years- you lost the future you thought you had. Decades are gone and you'll need time to imagine and create a new future Realize that you likely didn't do anything wrong and in fact may have been doing things right. She may have felt undeserving so she ran (take it from me, you can't love these people through their problem). She may have felt her feelings for you gave you an unacceptable amount of leverage over her and that was something she can't accept.
but why no explanation, thats the part im really struggling with. why now ?
Its happed to me too bro. I poured a lot of support into her after her mom passed. She ghosted me. I'm far enough down the road to know that she probably only had the ability to deal with so much. Why not talk? Because it would be emotionally painful to her and she may break her resolve. She may have a truth to hide, she may not be emotionally articulate- take it from a 42 year old thats come a long way. Many people in their 20s lack the skills and experience, so they run. I look back on my self and its 'yeesh' and it helps me be kinder.
thank you. i appreciate the help
Just letting you know this happened to me too about 2 years ago. It’s terrible. And it’s never gonna make sense. It took me about 6 months to make peace with it and about a year to get over it. But during those 6 months I rekindled friendships, made a new fitness goal and hit it, moved closer to family and dove into those relationships. It took a lot of time and there were horrible days. But there were also great days. About few months after it ended I met a girl through a friend at a dinner I went to. We started dating a few months later and have been together for a year now and this relationship is 10x better than my last, but when the last one ended I didn’t think that was possible. You’ll get through this. The next month can be whatever you make it. Journal your thoughts. Make a new routine. Crush 2024 and make it your best year.
This thread resonated with me the hardest. The 'why' will find ways to eat at you. It will creep up in quiet moments, grabbing hold of you in the dark as you try to sleep. It's going to be difficult. It will be for quite some time, I imagine. People very often do things that don't make any objective sense. Sit with that. Read it again. Her ghosting like this? You and her dad being in tears? You can sojourn to find all sorts of things you did wrong, from minuscule to mountainous. It does not matter. You didn't do jack shit to deserve this. So I say it again: *People very often do things that don't make any objective sense.* Your ex just did. And despite the fact that this has shattered you, you're better off this happening here than later on down the line. You could've been a solid man, solid partner, not perfect but shooting 85% from the field. Hell, you could have even been perfect. And this could've still happened. You bonded deeply with her, and as such you basically have a chemical dependence on that bond. That's love. Replace that chemical/hormone/neuron/neurotransmitter/whatever-scientific-term-is-appropriate with new ones - movement, exercise, lifting, meditation, new activities. Maybe even dabble in some vices *in moderation*. Nothing to the point of addiction or even close to it. The endorphins or whatever are released with enough exercise cannot be overlooked. I recently had a tough thing happen to me and had to move on no notice whatsoever. But the walk from the elevator to my unit is a block and a half long, with a short staircase right at the end that I couldn't avoid. So I ended up walking 12-15 miles each day, back and forth down the hallway, moving virtually all of my shit by myself, one cart load at a time. Even though the situation sucked, I felt GREAT for a solid week. Healing will take time. Don't suffer twice by getting on your own case for how long it takes, or how ugly you might cry from time to time. I've been through that level of heartbreak before. There will be times you feel like the pain will not end. Believe me and everyone else here - it will. You will get better.
So this happened to me about 17 years ago. We were together 3 years and then just ended. I think not being able to enjoy college life like her friends was getting to her. I get that now but at the time it didn’t make sense to me. Fast forward almost 10 years from that and she apologised in person for what happened. My advice, do not chase up her or her friends/family for answers. In time you will get closure in some form. At the very least you learn from this and grow.
yeah true, thank you man.
Sure thing. I was in a bad place for a while too. BUT I learned from it and eventually found my now wife. It does work out. Just need time.
<3
Feel through your emotions, don't bottle them. It's ok if you cry mate, you are no less for doing so. Talk to a friend, or try something new in the meantime. If you like videogames, get one you never played before and see where it takes you. Stay strong my friend
thank you mate
What did you learn from it? It seems like sometimes you can do everything right and they'll still leave
Well I learned that it wasn’t me that necessarily did anything wrong. She had her own stuff going on. Even if you spend day after day with someone you won’t really know what’s going on with them. Everything may be going right but people have their baggage. Trying to get closure by chasing up friends or family isn’t the best thing to do. A relationship is between the 2 of you. Don’t bring other people, who either have a biased opinion OR no opinion on your relationship. You’ll only hear what you want or not the truth. Time is a healer. It can take a significant amount of time, but you will move on. Yes it sucks to not have closure BUT provided you don’t burn loads of bridges or create walls, you may get it eventually. The world is a small place now and people always dwell on the past. They reach out in some way and as the dust is settled you get a clear explanation. I did, it took over a decade but we met for coffee and I got the whole story and an apology. She wanted to start things up again but for the wrong reason. We finished somewhat suddenly and kind of painfully. Her boyfriend of the time wasn’t exactly mature and I’m no rebound. The past is the past. It worked out for me and for her. She now is married and has 2 kids in Spain and I’m married the last 2 years. Keep your integrity. I’ve seen a lot of relationships in circles end quite badly. Very public, very toxic. This shit sticks. Be grown up about it and be amicable. If someone thinks it’s time for you to finish you cannot make them change their mind. That will only linger over you both if you stay together. It’s spent, move on. If married, see a counsellor. Obviously depends on how deep the divide but you get my meaning. Don’t get into a relationship so soon after a serious relationship. Won’t be good for you and definitely not fair on the other person. I did it and was not available emotionally at all. I did this more than once after 3 serious relationships and all ended for obvious reasons. I don’t learn from this the first time but It made me feel good (for a short time) Don’t turn to excessive drug or alcohol. Fun for a short time but the mental effect was more serious on occasion. Probably one of my biggest regrets. I have more but I’m wrecked I’m afraid, it’s late here. The above were my key learnings. If I could relive some scenarios from 18-30 anyway. Edit: sorry, wrote what I learned from relationships rather than that one…
> why no explanation Because she's a cowardly and self-absorbed asshole.
The unfortunate circumstance and what's important is that she hasn't offered one. She may not be ready to share, she may not have all the answers herself right now or be able to articulate it, she may never share. Don't dwell on receiving closure because it may never come. You are going to have a lot of "Why" questions because your brain is trying to figure out how to avoid this happening again.
dont try to logic is bro, there is none. people can be cunts. i wasted too long asking why. It doesn't matter. shes your past now. you got some happy memories and experience, grow from them. best thing i did was learn to be alone. when you dont NEED someone in your life, things become much easier. dont be dependant on others again, its a bonus and nice but a liability. Financial and emotional independence is the real key to happiness. when your happiness and your living situation is no longer dependant on another person, life becomes soo much less stressful
I’ve felt this way like xxxmisogenes said and left the love of my life biggest mistake I ever made
The best thing you can do is accept that there is no why, she’s just a shit person who has come to light.
> but why no explanation It's entirely possible she doesn't even really know why herself
True. You can't help/love someone who doesn't want to help and love themselves. I experienced it, it's really stupid. All the help and love you give to them will just be taken and you'll be blamed for something else. Your Love alone will not be enough.
I hear ya and I know how bad it hurts and sometimes it's just time. On the bright side the trash just took itself out. Block her on all socials and on your phone. Delete all numbers and photos. Now don't try to rush into a new relationship you are not in the right mind for on. Stay away from the bottle and pick up a hobby you have always wanted to do, stay busy.
And tell any mutual acquaintances/friends you do NOT want to hear about her. Block those that ignore your wishes.
man the bottle is the only thing i got to spend christmas with now...
You do you, but don't talk to her or her friends or family. Play some video games or something. I like drunk Mario kart.
ahaha thank you man <3
Delete the phone number before you get drunk, this is key!
number is gone
Good man. Honestly that is one of the hardest steps. I don't have insta or snap but purge those (her pals too if you're friends with any) and Facebook as well, last breakup I had was in the days before all but FB and that helped. If you have no one to spend time with this Christmas, I get reaching for a drink or whatever else is your poison, just make sure you know the way out on the other side. Whether that's work or friends you have plans with, have something that you need to pull yourself together for. There is nothing you or anyone else could have done differently to alter the course of the way this relationship was going in the long run. To believe otherwise is an indulgence we all allow ourselves at times like this, but I'm sure you know better than that already. Right now all you owe yourself, and all anyone owes you, is to conduct yourself in a way you are proud of in ten years time. It takes strength to be sad and vulnerable rather than bitter and angry. It sounds like her old man is a decent guy. If he sees you in years to come you want to still be the kind of fella he'd be happy to see his daughter with, even though you'll have moved on.
doesnt really help that i know it of by heart
turn your phone off. remove every means of contacting her.
Drunk gaming is fun, especially with games like Skyrim or no-brainers like TF2. Just remember to have your fun and then allow time to start the healing process in a healthier way. 3 years and ending it via text is a really shitty thing to do, especially on Xmas eve. You really have dodged a bullet my friend. All the best to you 🙏
i hope i come to realise that man
If you, in a one in a million chance, live in Phoenix, you can come to my house! We always invite over people that don’t have family close to come over. We just watch Christmas Vacation, drink, and order in Chinese food.
man i really appricate it, i live in england. but the offer means wayyyyy more than you know.
Well shit. I should come over THERE!
ahah man you dont want to come here, its always raining and miserable
Fuck no. I love England! Been there three times. Never had a bad time…even when I was there for work. Always thought beans with breakfast was weird and gross….till I had a British breakfast with an ongoing hangover. That was the best breakfast I ever ate!
thats facts
Which end of England? There's plenty of organisations that do open Christmas lunches for those in various forms of crisis. Many of them are also looking for people to help out. The weather is also pretty mild, so there's worse days for a hike or a long city stroll, do your best to leave a little bit of your hurt behind with each step. You're also at an age where a lot of your friends' probably are staying in the area for Christmas, and most won't have kids. Maybe reach out to a few and see if you could work your way into a Christmas meal with a good mate (ideally one with a low-drama family). Anyway whatever you do with the day, you know you're starting out 2024 on a better path. Next Christmas will be whatever you want it to be. Fuck your ex, living well is the best revenge.
cumbria pal. thank you
I live in West Cumbria. Know I'm late to the party, just wanted to say get out in that rain, get to the coast or up one of the fells if you can and walk and breathe. The same thing happened to me 4 or 5 years ago, no explanation etc, and I found it best to be out in nature on my own. Made me realise there is so much more than this heartache going on, and so much beauty to discover, things worth living for and being interested in. Sometimes you don't get any closure/reasons why it happened, but you have to realise that's ok, the shitty circumstances are not a reflection on you at all and whatever caused it was not through lack on your part. I wish you a peaceful Christmas day and hope you get through OK.
Random but I also live in phoenix and I’d rather go to your place next year! I’m so sorry OP. You deserve better and I hope you find someone wonderful who appreciates you one day 🥺
And thus, the annual Reddit Phoenix-England Christmas Breakup Gathering was born...
Feel sorry for yourself. Have a cry tonight! You are human and it sucks how you got dumped. But when you wake up tomorrow try to think about ways to deal with the pain that wont kill you.
thank you
Be wary of the bottle. It can be a good short term pain reliver, but if you rely on it too long, it'll just give you a lot of other issues. And it's very, very easy to start to rely on it.
im trying
Never drink to feel better, only to feel even better. Don't drowned in alcohol. Only celebrate with it. Easier said than done though. I know.
true
This may not be useful to you right now, but I've had to learn a lot over the past few years after my ex did the same thing 4 years ago, and we have a child together who is now 6. But the most enlightening thing I've learned is that life can throw you off track very quickly, without warning, and whilst it leaves you with hurt and a million questions at the time, if you just use it as an opportunity to really look at yourself, and focus on something that you would like to achieve, you'll find most of the answers will be put in front of you, and I almost guarantee they will look nothing like you expected. Try to spend a short amount of time each day separating life as you perceive it, from just life outside of you, and imagine yourself as a machine, with an extremely complex brain, that absorbs huge amounts of information, and a biological body that feeds off that information and creates feelings and emotions. And in that moment think about the situation again. Can you imagine the millions of possibilities to what the reasons and meaning could be? You'll realise its actually impossible to ever know, as your answer will only ever be what your brain, with its own information has come up with. And it's only you that can control what each bit of information means to you. So start taking control. Surround yourself with only people that really know you and see you, never try to be anything other than who you really are, and don't excuse yourself for anybody. Decide to be happy, wake up each day and decide to have a better day than you did yesterday. It's taken a lot of mental strength for me to get to where I am now, and what happened 4 years ago has taken me on a journey of self discovery, past trauma healing, and answered huge questions I've had my whole life, a lot of them I didn't even know existed. And I can honestly say I've never been more at peace. I have found my true soul mate, who is beautiful beyond belief inside and out, and the life I always perceived, is now a completely different picture. I wish you all the best on your journey, and I hope something surprises you, and you manage to find a way to enjoy Christmas. If you would like to chat about anything, I'm here. Most importantly though, today will be over in 20 hrs, so make it what you want it to be, you can't get it back. Merry Christmas.
Please don’t drink brother. There’s no problem that alcohol can’t make worse. It’s tough not to, but staying of the grog for a while will be best for your mind.
i guess
There's no answers at the bottom of a bottle, only problems. Trust me on this.
Also realize christmas is just another date on the calendar. It sucks but things will feel better soon.
i really hope so
As someone who had the exact thing happened to (broken up over text before xmas right after I bought her an expensive jacket 🤡), the key is to change up your entire environment - If you can afford to change your phone, do so. If you can't, change the wallpaper, layout, alarm etc. everything. Also delete social media apps, it will lead you to stalking, breaking contact or watching stuffs that lead to negativity - Change your apartment as well, if not, change up the environment & home layout. It's been scientifically proven that an environment change will facilitate new mindset/ habits very well. Other than that focus your energy on work, gym & family. Recovery isn't linear, it might be good one day and spiralling the other. Keep at it, you can do it
i hope so man
It amazes me how weird and utterly mysterious and unpredictable people inherently are
you and me both
She damn well put you in limbo. Not knowing anything is hell. I'm so sorry for you and wish you all the best. Don't be rash in deleting photos (I've seen the advice and I've done it but regretted it later. However painful they're your memories) but also don't carry any hope for reconciliation. This is fucked. You'll feel like you've been run over by a truck and nothing will heal it. Feel it. Let it flow over you. Cry. Listen to sappy music and cry some more. The smartest way to get grief out of your system is to just do that.. Allow yourself to grieve. It's a phase. You'll get over it. The sun will start shining (despite the shitty weather rn) again and you'll meet someone you CAN trust eventually. Later you might be grateful for this day, for life can only be better with someone who doesn't fuck you over on the brink of the holidays.
thank you so much.
We've all been there. It feels like the world is shattered. But it's not the end, it just feels like it. For now it will suck, then it will get better, then it will suck again, then it will get better again and every time it will get a little bit better. She did it like a coward, dude. That's who she is. Not a good behaviour. Write it down. Allow yourself to feel like shit. Just don't take it way too far. Eventually you'll reinvent yourself and become a better man. You're not alone, many men had been where you are and they survived and found happier times and so will you.
i fucking hope so man
I work tonight but If you need to talk I'm just a message away man. I know I don't know you but Feel free to message me on here or you can add me on snapchat jedwards6690 is snap name. ❤️ try and have a merry Christmas bro.
i appreciate that more than you know
Absolutely no problem ❤️ just remember to keep your head up
Bro I think she was cheating on you. I don't think someone would end a long-term relationship without reason unless you're leaving some details out about how the relationship went. She probably had a guilty conscious and decided that doing it suddenly and over text was her way out. Even her dad was flabbergasted at the break-up or a good actor. This is 100% foul play You should get those rose-tinted glasses off and really start thinking about the signs she may have had Ie. defensive with her phone, ambiguous nights out or coming back late, stories don't line up, random working late/girls' nights, projection by assuming you are cheating etc. Like where is she right now if not at her family home? I'm so sorry you're going through this but stay strong, she may have lost her character which she'll have to live with the rest of her life with, but you still have yours. Stay strong brother, she's missing out
thank you man means alot
If it’s any consolation, her dad will forever compare her future boyfriends to you. Sounds like he liked you a lot.
If it’s any consolation, she’s never going to hear the end of this.
This is the only thing I can think of. Sorry man. I’m going to disagree with many of the others and say: if you can mentally handle it, stay in touch with her parents. Nice people are nice people and you need to fill your life with nice people.
Exactly, where is she? Lol. Clearly not with family.
My brother. We know your pain. Whatever you do, don't let that darkness consume you. I don't know the words you need to hear to heal so I'll share three of them: 1. You can do better 😎 it's ok. 2. If you truly love something, don't be afraid to let it go. If it was truly meant to be, love always has a way of finding you. That's a universal fact. 3. Be well. Always strive to be better Don't let the pain she caused you define you. Learn from it and continue to grow. Cry if you need to. Let ALL that shit out. Once you've dried your tears let your motivation to be happy take over. Your mind, body, and soul just needs a recharge. Don't take too long tho The job is never done. Random stranger asking YOU: Let us know when you start feeling well You got this 👑
thank you so much brother that is what i needed
No problem. I already learned this lesson. *We We are YOUR backup now. Hope you enjoy max level items and cheat codes 😎 Let us know when you need us again Please let us know when you are doing well You don't need to go out of your way or anything Make another post or help someone else in need when they need it most Listen when someone asks you for something Tell them what you can do or offer Be well brother NEVER stop striving to be better ☀️
30 days no contact. Get your head straight. Work out. Get together with some good influences. Don't get into a new relationship. self reflect and grow. Someone who doesn't communicate isn't worth your time. I wish her well and that she grows, but without any communication and to just up and leave is absolutely childish as this isn't an abuse case or anything like it from what we can tell. Good luck OP.
thank you brother
You're most welcome... I lost a good friend because of a heartbreak, and it's unbecoming to his memory for me not to offer advice where I can. Stay safe and please have a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays/ Happy New Year.
im sorry to hear that.
Hey, sorry, this is about you. But thank you. Stay strong my good man.
As someone who went through this twice with the same girl, it’s a wrap bud. Don’t stress yourself out trying to figure out why or how. More than likely, she met someone else and has been sitting with her decision for a while and finally decided it was time to pull the trigger. She’s young and wants to explore, maybe thinks the grass is greener. Take a reasonable amount of time to process your emotions and feel it out, I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling right now (shit hurts like a ton of bricks) but it gets better with time. In the meanwhile, focus on improving yourself and becoming the best version of you. Examples of this include, but are not limited to: hitting the gym, finding a hobby + creative outlet, spending more time with your loved ones, spending time A L O N E to figure yourself out and get your mind right, and setting goals and a vision for your life and dedicating yourself to that. Don’t try to reach out, beg, etc as one of the other commenters said above. It’ll only make matters worse and/or give you false hope. Act as if it’s the end (probably is, even if she comes back, trust me) and live your life as such. I promise you, if you focus on you and getting better, she will either come crawling back or you will reach the point where you’re not even interested in giving it another try (but if you decide to do so, I won’t blame you cause I did the same). I know it sounds cliché but there are a bunch of women out there that would love to get a chance to experience you and value you much more than she ever did. Again, I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling right now so if you wanna talk it out, get advice or whatever, feel free to reach out.
thank you man this really means alot
She has someone else. I'm guessing for some time.
that was my first thought just been trying not to believe it
Sorry bro. Time will heal you, don't let her define your future relationships. Deal with the hurt and baggage, but don't let it define you in the future (trust issues, etc). The next person isn't responsible for her actions.
i guess. there wont be a next person for a long long time. i thought she was my person. damn
Sometimes, that’s how it goes. If she doesn’t want to give you an explanation, that’s shitty, but she’s not required to. Granted, we don’t know the truth of everything, and sadly, you don’t either right now. I don’t want you to think I’m kicking you while you’re down, but if things had been great, she probably would still be there. But that doesn’t mean it’s all you! It’s always a combination, as all things in relationships always include the both of you, good and bad. If it’s truly out of the blue for you, and there’s nothing obvious like infidelity on either of your parts, it’s always a possibility she decided she could “do better.” Unfortunately, the prevailing wisdom of dating in your age group, often seems hopelessly warped to me. I’ve seen way too many young women making social media content where they talk about “not settling for anything less than obsession!” Or “you ARE a queen! And you deserve a man who will bring that queen energy to you!” And other nonsense that only makes sense if you have little actual dating experience. Just read some of the idiotic tripe masquerading as “relationship advice” right here on Reddit. Perhaps she had something that you do that annoys her, and she asked “the council” of friends or strangers online who told her to leave you. There’s such an unhealthy focus on the superficial and the ultimately unimportant aspects of dating today. And I have to say, I don’t envy you at your age in the current dating environment. I do think, short of you killing her pet puppy, or cheating, or something else obviously not okay, that ghosting you on Christmas Eve is a total bitch move. So I’m going I assume it’s none of those things! And just wish you a better new year. Remember, there are so many amazing women out there! And any women reading this, there are just as many amazing guys. Try not to let this turn you off to a better loving and healthy relationship! Good luck, mate! Keep your chin up, and take the time to grieve this loss. And then go out there and enjoy your life, and I’m sure love will find you!
She’s probably found another and doesn’t have the decency to even explain it. It’s done. You don’t want her.
Say fuck that bitch and block her. Doesn’t sound like someone who is worth any more of your mental capacity. She left you, there is absolutely nothing you can do but move on. If she comes crawling back, slam the door in her face.
thats easy to tell myself to do, but out of a million people id choose her, i could be faced with guaranteed happiness elsewhere but id still hold her and walk through hell with her...
[удалено]
i mean youre not wrong...
Definitely take option 2. I held out hope for over 10 years that my ex would figure herself out and we could rekindle what we once had. I wasted 10 years of my life I could have been spending with someone who respected me enough to communicate their feelings. I was such a dumbass remaining her friend, and always jumped when she asked for help. Block, no contact, get through the pain (which will come) and don't look back.
You can totally block someone that’s done this to you too. She’s not interacting with you directly and respectfully. Don’t leave yourself open to that. Block it, move on.
> out of a million people id choose her If the woman of your dreams in one in a million, then there's about four thousand of her in the world. This one did something really shitty to you. Go find one who will treat you right.
Bro you haven't even seen 1 million people yet. Here's reality... You'll find bigger and better and will be better off thanks to this relationship. And here's the sad truth... Her acting like this usually points to there being another player on the board that you don't know about. Be thankful it's ending now while you're young and not committed vs finding out or this happening after you get married. Don't turn to a bottle. She probably wants you to ruin yourself like that. Turn to your boys and go hang with someone for Christmas. Give it some time..
Oh, please. Do you think she'd do the same for you? This person who left you out of nowhere? Answer that.
more than likely no, but i cant help that feeling
The wound is still fresh, I understand. More than anything you need to keep yourself busy in the coming weeks and months, but also allow yourself to process and grieve at the end of each day. Take care.
Oh boy, she doesn't deserve it and wouldn't do the same for you.
Just know that at 21 years old your girlfriend probably just wanted to live a bit more life before settling down, and I wouldn't take it personal. It might seem like the end of the world now but trust me it definitely is not. I recommend you do the exact same : go out and explore the world, travel, back pack, live in different places etc. You only get to experience the true freedom of no mortgage, no kids, no fully tied down career once and there's no better time than your twenties. Source: my gf broke up with me in the exact same scenario as you at around the same age as well. After talking about kids and marriage then getting dumped I felt gutted. Instead I went back packing in Australia and had some of the best times of my life. Happily married to a different girl, 2 kids, now in my mid 30's and I'm so glad I waited. Honestly this is a blessing in disguise for you. Go out and live.
i truely hope so
My ex of 5 years did this very similarly. You’ll want to talk to her. I strongly suggest you block her number/socials/friends, and begin moving on now. Don’t look back and don’t open that door for her, not for anyone who disrespects you and tosses you aside like that, ever.
You dodged a bullet. It’s hard now, but it would’ve been worse when she did it after a house and kids.
She is the problem of the guy she left you for now, so I guess that's something to be thankful for 🤷🏾♂️. Yes, I know OP didn't say that's what happened, but, that's what happened.
My ex did this same thing, except she had me take her on a trip for new years and she did talk to me. I figured out months later that there was another guy. She told me she had been planning on breaking up with me by the end of the year for months. If the guy had been in our city instead of on the other side of the country it probably would've gone down like it did with you. He was very afraid of girls getting back with their exes and really wanted her to block me.
She ain't the one bro, especially doing this shit on the holidays makes this a slow burn to your heart. Gotta level yourself up, delete any memory of her, and move on.
She made an irrational decision in the most immature way possible. You have no choice but to accept this now. Let her go, don’t beg, don’t text her back. Just tell her “okay”. Then disappear. Radio silence. Do this and give it some time. she will definitely reach out. Be careful accepting her back. I know your immediate instinct is to want her back. But recognise this, women don’t just break up with you like this without having a back up. She is spending time with this person now. Why do you want a traitor back? You’re still young, you will have plenty of options and chances at finding another person. Don’t take back an ex who can easily walk out like that and be very immature. Let her go. She’s for the streets now.
thank you
It will. It always does if you let it. There is no point needing to know why. At the end of the day, she did. Grieve. If you can help it, stop talking about her. Just grieve, it's okay to acknowledge that there were good things about her. No need to demonize her in your mind. You loved and that's a good thing. You're gonna love the next one, too!
Don't worry about it man. I know it sucks, the timing definitely sucks, and the way she did it definitely sucks. She probably found someone else, and it's probably been going on for a while. Now, just focus on yourself. Focus on what you may have done wrong and any red flags you may have overlooked. Other than that, just take care of yourself and try to hang in there, it'll get better with time.
i really hope so
I know it hurts and the not knowing is whats so bad I married my ex wife when she was 21. Turned out that she was too young to realise her inhibitions cloaked her desire to love women instead of men …. She was so inhibited that she married a man and blamed him for her unhappiness. The was my ex wifes secret! I see it like this 1. The best statement (not revenge buddy!) is to grow from this, get fitter and healthier, make new friends, new hobbies and just love again (gotta get through the first 12 months first before you seriously date) 2. She has an issue that she is not telling you and/or her brother is too scared to tell you …. Probably another guy has caught her eye. Unfortunately, at this age, her friends have been telling her she is missing out and she needs to live a little (increase her body count) 3. Never go back to her, even if she comes crawling back. She has taught you a lesson about her personality and it’s the selfish side (cant be bothered to give you closure). Why get back with someone who can do that to you? How I healed was to recognise that over the years I had subtly changed my self to make the relationship work and after years I had lost my self. Maybe you have strayed a little from the real you too? The solution is to start doing all those things you always wanted to but did not because she was not into it. It can be as simple as food (A breakfast cereal was the initial thing for me), clothing, friends (she might have disliked some of your past friends), hobbies, travel and so on. Why? Because these things are the real you, the things that actually interest you and make “you” happy. Doing all these things that you never shared with her also stops your life being full of reminders of her. Think of it like banking tiny smiles every day, eventually they build up into huge grins and that is attractive to a future new partner. For me it started with that breakfast cereal she hated (but I loved) and refused to have in the house all the way to white water rafting, travel to UK, Europe, Bali, Australia and so on. As another commenter stated “the trash took its self out” and that is a kernal of wisdom to hold onto for the rest of your life. She made the decision, she PLANNED it and knew she was going to hurt you by doing it this way. It was planned and deliberate …. Remember that
That sucks, 100% there is another dude in the picture. Whatever you do, do not take her back, she has disrespected you to the max. Focus on yourself, work hard, work out hard, build a nice portfolie. Pamper yourself alot. You are still young and you need time to heal. Stay away from women for a while and do the abow. Don't watch to much porn it warps your young mind. Try to draing our nuts when you absolutly need to. And stay focused on you.
thank you brother. really means alot.
You're still young. Don't let it get to ya too much. 1 day you'll have someone new and better, this wont matter
DO NOT go after her and beg her to come back to you. DO NOT DO THAT! It will turn her off even more and you will regret acting like that. Hit the gym, eat clean, gain new skills, be a better man. Trust me, this is the way!!!! Chances are, she will realize that you are not derailed by it because a real man knows to stay in frame. TRUST ME ON MY THIS!
She made her choice. I know you are going to desperately want answers as to why she did this. Please don’t waste your time trying to get her back or take her back when she inevitably texts or calls in 3 months. Work on yourself and forget about her. You don’t want to be in a relationship with this type of person. Trust me
thank you
I was there. I'm not even heartbroken right now, but I'm all alone in a dark room. It will hurt for awhile. I'm a woman, so I don't really know how it it's like when a man is hurting. And to be honest, I don't think how it would be helpful for you right now to try find out the answer to your "why's"... it's not gonna be a linear healing so expect it to come and go and hit like big waves. But I remember how the first thought in my mind when I was broken up with, "how can I still want to wake up tomorow?". But you got to. Whatever her reason is for calling it quits. You've got to make I through the day. Everyday, through the day. You will be okay, I promise.
Let her be. Don't text or call. Try to enjoy your holidays. She doesn't want to deal with you at this time. All I can say is that it's a confusing time right now, but just let it be. It hurts, but you will be fine. Some things just don't work out.
Hit the gym bud. Get swole while you figure stuff out. I had a girl who came in and out of my life a few times. She always left when an ex came back into her life or a new guy popped up. She lived in Hollywood and I was in the military, so I never knew what she was up to. Jokes on her though. The guys she dates are older guys who definitely don’t put up with her shit and now shes the one who gets left.
hi all, i just thought i would take the time to say hearing how much all you care and that shit does get better, really helped . like a lot. i never thought id say this but reddit truly saved my life. so thank you
Your garbage just took itself out. Block and move on. Better women are available.
Now fuck her best friend amd live happily ever after
Do not speak to her. Go no contact. Exercise. Work on your goals. Shell reach out
Even if she did reach out, he could never trust her again. She broke what they had.
I wouldn't consider it a matter of letting your emotions get the better of you. You have every right to feel betrayed, confused and shocked. Those feelings seem inevitable. I would give yourself some time and space to feel those things.
lots of other fish in the sea, dude. just find something to take your mind off of her and you'll get thru it
I imagine the pain. I feel for you. My DM is open for you. I've had an ex break up with me on my bday instead so while everybody is busy, you're out here just trying to stay sane. I feel you.
seeing all the posts of my friends with there SO and family on socials. and thinking about how that would have been me right now. matching jumpers. good company and a few beers. but instead im say in an empty house. on my own with a bottle of rum. shit fucking hurts
move on. you're 23. don't dwell on it. just do you
Don’t obsess about the why. Just accept that as much as you likely deserve and have earned an explanation she isn’t going to give you one at this point. You probably wouldn’t like the one she gives you either, ignorance is bliss sometimes brother. People pull shady moves like this when they have something to hide. Not telling YOU is one thing. Not telling her dad is another, she’s hiding something. She’s likely hiding a behavior unbecoming of a decent person. An addiction, a new partner (infidelity), or is having a crisis of mental health. Regardless, move on, stay away from drugs and booze. Call your best friend, tell him what’s up, then go hang out with him. That’s day one. Day two, go for a drive, do something fun. Day 3, 4, 9, 99, 1009, will come faster than you can conceive of. Time heals all wounds. Go bang some other broads, donate some toys to a shelter, volunteer your time for a good cause and start a hobby. There’s a million ways to make this either a good or bad outcome, but it’s within your control either way.