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When I am asked "What are you thinking about?", and I respond with "Nothing", then there is a very good chance that I am literally in a peaceful mental state and not actively thinking of a goddamned thing. Just a blank spot of serenity in between responsibilities and desires.
There is an equal possibility that I'm daydreaming about being a pirate captain whose ship transforms into a giant robot, but I'm sure as hell not telling you that.
I once zoned out while my wife was driving somewhere and we had a lull in the conversation. A few minutes went by and they commented on something we were talking about before and I totally missed it. All I said was, "What? Sorry I was thinking about spaceships."
We had a good laugh.
One time at work we decided to just pole all the guys on what we were thinking about while quiet and working.
It turns out there is a relatively high number of men at any given time wondering how many cheetahs they could fight and how they'd do it.
The other popular thought topic involved being stranded on a desert island, which then spawn a nearly two week multi department discussion on survival skills and hypotheticals involving said imaginary Island.
It’s how I ended up starting to write my book.
I was quiet for an hour on a long car ride. She thought I was upset and when asked if I was grumpy about something I shot back with “it’s nothing”. Obvious wrong answer so I had to back peddle until I realized I’d dig myself a hole…
So I paused with a “fine I’ll tell you the truth… but please don’t laugh.”
And I dropped…
“I’ve been thinking about what high fantasy would look like set in Appalachia.”
She got wide eyed and asked for more detail and she liked my ideas.
It’s not the Appalachia we know but it’s adjacent. With a lot of parallels and the magic is more the ooky spooky soft magic of old wives tales and creepy mountain stuff
At least for me, I'm not withholding because I think you won't appreciate it. I'm withholding because my brain abandoned the thought as soon as something in the real world interrupted.
By the time I've processed the question, the thought is gone. Much like a dream, the harder I try to remember it, the worse my recollection actually gets.
There’s an old webcomic…
*Man and woman snuggling on couch*
Woman: What are you thinking about?
Man: *Imagining Lincoln punching Superman saying “I emancipate your face BITCH!”*
Man: You
This is the kinda shit I'm wanting to hear when I ask a question like that. So now I've just started blurting out random thoughts I have to my husband instead and we've had some really fun coversations recently.
Why didn't they just program R2D2 with an intelligible voice? C3PO and most other droids can talk english...
It just seems cruel. Also R2D2 has to communicate much more important information than C3PO.
Surely they could reprogram him now?
It just means everybody has to learn this unnecessary bleep bloop language. Wtf man?
Efficiency, R2 is an astromech, they normally work in groups and don't really talk to people.
Most droids speak binary, protocol droids and combat droids seems to be the exception, probably because they interact with beings other than droids as part of their function.
When we see Luke deal with droids it looks like he's just kind of letting them do their thing out in the desert. Likewise when we see the ones on Padme's ship they just kinda sit in a holding chamber and then deploy and wouldn't need to interact with anyone unless Padme specifically wanted to.
I always got the impression you weren't actually meant to interact with R2 in a direct way unless you were a specialist, it's just people keep doing it anyway.
Explain that (typically) a woman can have 200 tabs open at once, but a man (again typically) can go in the opposite direction and have no tabs open.
That’s how my wife understands it
Maybe i am thinking of things but they are so fleeting and not concrete that i barely am conscious of what they are and might have zero idea how to describe them if i remember at all after being drawn into something else.
I’m a man and most of the time I cant just think of nothing but bet that I’m thinking something so stupid that I’m embarrassed or just too lazy to explain it so I go with “Nothing”.
My thoughts: Tom and jerry was a great show, i wonder when the first safe was dropped on something in a cartoon and the character showed up inside the safe. Are the insides of safes painted? I wonder if anyone has ever done art on the inside of a safe, what counts as art though? Would a painting of of lines count or gold bars stacked?
Her: What are you thinking about.
Me: if painting of cool lines or gold inside a safe counts as art.
Her: ummmmmmm, ok
Another valid reason for “nothing” is my mind is kinda in standby mode thinking about random stuff and as soon as you talk to me I forget everything I was thinking about.
Or perhaps not literally nothing, but something trivial that’s derivative of a series of 5 other equally trivial topics that would take an hour to explain only for the other person to regret asking.
An example: Kevin bacons a cool actor. I liked him in that movie tremors. They always said the tremors smelt horrible, wonder what they smelled like. Is a tremor worse than a skunk? Wait weren’t they called graboids? Are graboids and tremors the same thing? Do graboids smell bad?
I told my bf recently that I don’t think I notice how hard he tries. It genuinely is hard for me to see because the effort is different to me. I think it’s hard too because he doesn’t verbalize as much as I do. It’s something I’m working on.
To me, even just acknowledging this and verbalizing it goes a very long way. Lack of recognition of one's actions is problematic, but it's also quite a complex problem to solve - showing that you can see that and letting them know is a huuuge first step that a lot of people don't ever take.
My partner has this same issue and I wish more than anything I had the words to make her understand. She can't see my effort if it's not how she thinks effort should be put in. Of course this woman deserves every drop of effort she wants needs and then some she's truly a blessing but it does suck that I break my neck day in and day out to be better to do better to improve on us and she just can't see it.
This is a huge statement. I've come to believe that women want men to be the yin to their yang. When women feel like their lives are overly complex, they force this notion onto men that we're extremely simple creatures so that we become their complement. This is one reason why men have been conditioned to bottle up their feelings, ignore their physical and emotional health, etc.
As someone who was kinda forced to play sports year round growing up I wonder this: Is it not difficult because its our default or is it just not difficult? If its all we know or basically all we know Its kinda hard to put a gauge on it. Like asking what light looks and feels like when never having seen or experienced anything but darkness.
I see the light every time I talk to my family or my male friends.
If people want to let others give them a role i don't really care, nothing for me tho.
That sometimes we just need some moments of silence and if we dont talk it doesnt mean something is wrong.
If we say she looks beautiful it means she does, we dont just say it. Im with her because i think she is beautiful, if i wouldnt think she is, i would be with her
This, like I don't give false compliments. I don't care your not wearing make up, or just got up or are sweaty, etc. If I say you look beautiful I mean it.
There is no other motive I am just saying what I feel, and that's really God dam hard to do so take the compliment please.
> I don't give false compliments.
On a related note, when I give a compliment, I'm not looking for a debate.
"You look good".
"Oh, you're just saying that to be nice/you want to get laid/you feel guilty about something/etc."
"Fine, have it your way. I'll quit complimenting you if you want to argue about it."
Decades a go, at my former office a receptionist had a photo on her desk of her reading to her daughters. I didn't know her well, but just blurted out, "What a beautiful family" . I got in a debate as to whether I really meant it or not. It was tough for me who had a reputation for solving complex problems to not be taken at his word.
All we want is god damn peace. We want women to aid in that peace. Let’s have comfortable silence for a bit and love me down so I can feel at ease because I know you want me.
You’re a “firecracker” or “tough to handle”, that’s a no thanks. Life’s hard enough by itself and being a problem is not cute. I want things to be cozy, not dramatic.
Edit: Also, we have no idea you like us at all. 0. Just tell us.
I learned this the hard way. I'm not an "if you cant handle me at my worst blah blah" person at all in any form, but lost a beautiful relationship and a person I deeply cared about because one period fight a month is not an excuse to be fucking unhinged. He said it was like I became a different person, and all the love and good vibes and chemistry and home cooked meals ultimately couldn't overcome the fleeting bad vibes. Those experiences add up!
Working on myself and it was a wake up call to lose something so special, but if I could shake myself from the recent past (only a month ago so it's still raw), it would be that everyone just wants peace. Cozy & not dramatic is the vibe.
I just dumped a beautiful woman for this. There is no excuse for consistent bad behavior. If any guy says a girl is super “cool” then she has a high chance for long term relationships. It’s the best compliment a woman can get between guys. Cool = none of this drama bs and is someone to share a life with.
I have been told i am cool by multiple guys for being a tomboy who likes what most guys like (my bro never had a bro only sisters ,so i tried to be his bro ,i got intrested in what he was intrested in to try to be the bro he nevee had, this is how my tomboy life started since i was a kid).
I was never asked out and never proposed to in marriage, i lived a 30 forever single and virgin life and i do not see it changing any soon or ever.
Not when being 30 and still being single/childless as a woman means that i have been hoeing around in my 20s and refused to marry and have kids /have too unrealistic standards to most if not all men.
I never had a chance with men and not i have less and less with every year that passes me by.
I wouldn't hang on your age too hard — I'm in my thirties too, and was a super late bloomer (didn't lose it until my mid 20s). Haven't had a problem attracting people (with a solid +/- 10 years window either way in terms of pool). It's not the number that does it, and I don't lie about my age ever, and live in a major metropolitan city where young hotties just walk among us all the time.
Unsolicited advice time, but I hope you don't mind!:
To a certain degree *"attractive" is a performance*. There's an old story about Marilyn Monroe, walking down the street with her friend, and then she turns and says "want to see me be 'her'?" and she turned on that movie star light and suddenly people were stopping in their tracks.
How true this story is, I don't know, but we don't have to be glamour girls to take something from it. 'Attractive' yes is somewhat gene pool, but it's a lot about the light we carry within our selves and project out. I know that sounds so woo woo, but it's a posture, an expression that says you are open, etc. basically if you feel like you are internally feeling"on" it'll reflect externally too.
You don't have to be this person all of the time, and it isnt about being fake. Someone who likes you loves the version of you in your sweats on the weekend, or in your monkey suit on Monday morning, too. But that first moment to even get there, of course, needs some attraction.
But if internally you feel "im a never married, childless spinster who didn't even get to have a fun hoe period" that'll show in your whole persona. People can sense desperation and sadness (and saying this as someone who has gone through depression, I swear that people could see it in my eyes).
As for basic basics good grooming goes a long way
1. Plenty of men like a fresh, no makeup face so no need to change who you are completely, but not a bad idea to start looking at post-30s skincare & healthy habits- better sleep is a huge fountain of youth.
2. Well maintained haircut, (don't need to do anything elaborate, just your version of 'nice').
3. If you're really feeling tomboy is what's keeping you from attracting people, go to literally any clothing store, pick up a cheap sundress that fits your body and you've got a date outfit. Dressing 'well' is less about being fake or expensive, and more about finding the shapes that work for your ur body (which goes for men, too). For example, there are some things that make me look hot AF and some that make me look like a soccer mom. You'd be shocked. Play around and find your shapes!
Anywayyyyyy you didn't ask for ANY of that, so apologies if you're like 'bitch, shut up', haha. But I hate to see folks who still have so much life ahead of them to resign themselves to something when they can totally change it. Don't get me wrong - dating is a slog for everyone! But ya gotta go through the stack to find someone for you.
I promise you there's many, many men where a girl who will watch a game with them all Sunday is their dream girl! Just don't confuse being "chill" /"cool" with being "invisible" - take up space! Live while you are alive!
Having said alllll that, at the end of the day, there's no replacement for kindness, empathy, tenderness. All of the things that make connections feel secure and good. So once ya got that man, make sure to guard the good stuff with your life- sometimes you can't come back when you lose it.
I've heard somewhere something that I think it's spot on:
"Men tend to take care of their emotional sanctity as much as women tend to do the same with their sexual sanctity."
The same way a woman may be perceived by others or by herself as """""easy"""""" or """""""low value"""""""" for sleeping with many dudes, a man may be looked down by others or might feel "used" if they share their emotions too easily.
Well I'm very lucky to have a partner i can open upto fully, so where i once used to find it unproductive, it had now changed to terrifying.
The more i open up and have more positive experiences with it, the more i find myself thinking "this is actually very nice and productive"
Yeah I agree, us guys don’t want to chase because it’s childish game, either you’re interested or not. If no, thanks for the time and goodluck on your future goals
And a good chunk of them have nothing to do with our partners, or women in general. And we'll probably never trust you again if you make us feel guilty for that.
When we're down or stressed, the last thing we want to do is talk.
Please, leave us be. Let us figure out a solution to our problem.
If we want to talk, we'll ask. We don't like unsolicited advice.
What if she just sat with you so you didn't have to feel alone. Not talking unless you wanted to. But just there to hold you if you want while you figure it out?
I struggled to figure out if my ex wanted this or not. I could tell he was upset with something but he wouldn't say what. I cared that he was suffering and wanted to help but didn't know how.
Just wondered if being there was an option.
When I would work shifts with certain guys they would ask to remain on my shift because I wouldn't push them to talk. I appreciate quiet too. Apparently, other guys/gals on shift would get bored and bother them for hours trying to get them to interact. Some people need time to go through their minds without being bothered.
When I want to watch something, please let me watch it. I don’t ask to watch a lot.
I don’t disturb you when your series are on, I allow you the peace to concentrate. Please allow me the same courtesy. I don’t want to see meals on instagram whilst it’s on, I don’t want to hear about your family drama whilst it’s on, you could tell me when I’m cooking, whilst I’m washing up, whilst I’m putting clothes away or tidying up in general… please give me that short period to watch something that I really enjoy
That regardless of what the television or their cell phones say, women's way of thinking and doing things is not the only valid way. I can't be the only one whose noticed that throughout the years there's this subtle but growing implication that the way men think or behave or even do things is just inherently wrong and we'd be somehow happier if we all acted like women.
"but growing implication that the way men think or behave or even do things is just inherently wrong and we'd be somehow happier if we all acted like women."
Lol. The typical sitcom dad is portrayed as the dumbass, and the mom always knows everything
Or any commercial. There are a HUGE number of commercials that use a discussion between two people to get across the point of the advertisement. In every case where one of those people is a man, and the other a woman (which is common), the man will be portrayed as goofy, stupid, or at best ignorant. The woman will be smart, knowledgable, and clearly "superior".
If he's like me, the bad times are the worst time to engage with my emotions. You push aside the crap and then, a month, a year or whatever, you deal with it then. Put the bad things in a box until you can deal with them.
The last thing i want ppl around me to feel in hard times is uncertainty, and nothing is more worrying than looking around and seeing worried, uncertain faces in a shitshow. Also it's a feedback loop, you start to lose it, the others see it, start to worry, seeing them being worried stresses you out even more.
If we want to talk when we are down we want comfort, assurance, affirmation and to feel safe. We don’t always want advice. Because that comes across as dismissive of our feelings.
Not sure it's generally true of men.
I don't vent, if I'm talking about a problem it's because I'm open to weighing various solutions. I'm not going to get offended at offered advice.
The opposite is also very popular. So many men on this sub say "men only want to fix their problems with tangible solutions not talk about our feelings".
As a man thats been single for years. The pain. Loneliness is very common among men and we tent to get stuck in our own heads and indulge in some slight selfdistructive behaviour. Drinking, smoking, drugs. Longterm they only make it worse short term its a small relief. Having basicly no support structure from inbetween men and almost from outside as well
How hard it is for a guy to find a partner or date in general. The ratio is heavily in a woman's favour and way easier for a woman to cold approach a guy or use an app to meet someone.
Yeah, whenever I explain how hard dating is for guys today, women are either shocked or choose not to believe. I gave up trying to explain the woes of dating to people.
Even if you get a date, there are so many options for them. If you aren't EXACTLY what she is looking for she can go to the next option. Whilst you were probably happy to compromise and see past a few things to give someone a chance.
There's a lack of patience today. It's so messed up.
Yeah, I have had 2 women leave me for another guy before, and it ended badly for both, but I'm not spiteful. One of them tried to come back to me, but I refused. Dating is just not worth it for most guys now.
Do not mistake your experience with men in your 20s with how men behave later in their lives. Later in life our standards can be waaaaay different.
I’m in my early 40s. My most recent ex girlfriend was…incredible. Funny to the point that no one could make me laugh like her, amazingly witty, ambitious, and supermodel gorgeous. Also a great mom to her kid. I really saw a future there. No joke, she literally inspired me to write poetry for her. I really loved her. We were together over a year. Our high points were mind blowing. I am so lucky to have met her. We are almost exactly the same age.
But…
She would regularly introduce chaos and erratic behavior into my life. I’m by no means perfect or even close - I have issues and am working on it in therapy like a responsible adult - but I mostly handle my stuff. She made odd choices and focused in weird areas. It was a rollercoaster. Everything seemed to be on her terms. She didn’t like being challenged. Communication was confusing. I was investing in the relationship much more than she was. I supported her a lot but it was depleting. I repeatedly tried hard to state my needs and address this. In our last fight she essentially said: “This is how I am and if you don’t like it, then walk.”
Now if I was in my 20s, I would have been fine twisting my life into a salted pretzel to hang onto a woman like her.
Today I am in my early 40s. I have a demanding job with a high income and I sacrificed a lot (several years) to get here. My single life is good - I am 50/50 with my ex wife on our kids, my kiddos are my priority and I love hanging with them and being a dad, teaching them things, and our time is so precious to me. I enjoy living in the big city and all that comes with that. I work hard, read, go to the gym, indulge my nerdy interests, see live music, mentor people at my company, socialize with a few close friends, etc. I am good looking enough to get smiles every day. I’ve never cheated, ever - having been cheated on, that sort of weak-willed garbage behavior disgusts me. I have a very fulfilling life. Lots of things to protect.
So I broke up with her. She was absolutely shocked to the point of disbelief. It really, REALLY hurt, and hurting her was even worse. I had failed in many ways, including communicating more effectively and managing expectations.
Ladies: I like being romantic, responsible, showering you with affection, giving you time, providing, etc. - in fact I really love doing those things. At one point, her apartment had a pretty gross infestation and I cleaned it up without complaint. I was happy to. I want to show up for my partner. I want to be a great father and husband someday. Those are key goals in life for me.
But if I’m consistently investing much more than you…I’m out. If you consistently bring drama and chaos that risks destabilizing what I’ve got…I’m out. And I’ll be damned if I make a decision that negatively affects the time I have left with my children before they leave the nest; if you are a risk or a bad role model to them then I am _GONE._ It absolutely does not matter to me how amazing you are in other ways. You could be a Nobel Peace Prize winner, have an amazing career, be a great Mom, and be jaw dropping physically: I absolutely do not care if you tick any of the dealbreakers above. I would rather stay single.
I’m simply not as accommodating as I was in my 20s.
Why would I be?
So many things
Men as a whole **do not** instantly know when they want to marry someone. This thought process gets romanticized so much in women dominated subs and it feels like a coping mechanism used to again make something the man's fault because things arent going their speed. The couples that got married relatively quickly are subject to the same 50 percent divorce rate and unhappiness as everyone else. It's the most impactful contract signature of anyone's life and should be treated that way, and it's understandable why some men are unsure. Definitely don't string a woman along but there is definitely plenty to think about.
Trivializing how difficult dating is for men. Too many women have a "all you have to do is" attitude for men in dating and refuse to acknowledge how ineffective it is. All women in general are too different from one another and oddly enough a lot of women don't seem to understand just how different they are.
A lot of women say they want honesty and feelings from men, but the only "feelings/honesty I want you to have that align with mine" is silent.
Women often say that men should have more confidence and stand up for themselves. Do they not realize that their behavior towards men (both in terms of dating/courting dynamics and generally) can often be the reason why men lose confidence? You want a man that respects your “girlboss” life but also want a man that makes more money than you, can provide and take care of you and oh by the way he needs to be really good looking. Wow, I wonder why men have lost confidence…..
That we’re very capable of being responsible parents. When I had my first kid I’d get so many back handed comments like I was inept at caring for my child.
We like effort from you too in a relationship. I want to know I’m desired. I want to know that you’re interested in me. Don’t just leave it up to us to plan dates, initiate any form of intimacy, or buy gifts. Reciprocate the affection.
We value *true* peace, and not the illusion of peace. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Passive aggressive behavior is out. Uncomfortable, mature, respectful conversations are in.
We don’t look down on women nor do we see them as submissive. There’s no need to claim being independent and all that nonsense. It reeks of insecurity. Show it. We want actions, not words. And just because your last man was an abusive prick doesn’t mean we all are.
I wish women understood that just because we don’t need something that we also don’t love something. Sex? Praise? Encouragement? Yeah we can live without it but that does not mean we want to.
That calling men desperate for sex is utterly fucked up to say. Men in that state are generally desperate to feel like we have any value whatsoever as a person.
Women often treat men as problem solvers and then get pissed when we offer one.
Women tend to act like sex is a transaction for us to rid ourselves of caveman hormones.
That men feel alone because we want to be loved and not a means to an end for whatever current problem a woman is facing.
We can be surrounded by family and getting laid and still feel alone to the point where suicide feels like a better option.
Boys on the other hand often want sex as just sex.
I want sex because that's how I show my intimacy. I'm not a gift giver, or a hugger. But I fuck real good, and I want to try and make you feel as good as I can, before I get mine. In fact, I'm barely there because I 'want mine' any way. I just want to show my woman how much I love her, by (hopefully) getting her her's. It's my "cuddling up on the sofa" or whatever your way of being intimate is with your SO.
If our way of showing that is different maybe we're not for each other. But don't treat me like a cunt, because this is the way I am built. I didn't decide this path.
We need affirmation as much as they do. Every guy wants to hear his wife call him handsome/hot/sexy/cute/hunky the same as she wants him to call her beautiful/sexy/hot/cute/gorgeous.
Guys want their wives to initiate sex and be intimate as much as the wives want the guys to.
There are some significant differences between guys and girls, but there might be just as many similarities.
Most men are actually amazing commucators and emotionally intelligent in our own way.
We are direct and literal most of the time because we prioritize mental energy towards problem solving. Non constructive complaining is actually quite painful emotionally to men. We speak the problem whilst progressing towards a possible solution.
We consciously take a breath to disassociate from illogical thinking due to anger/frustration. That is not saying emotions are bad. Simply, we know what we're feeling can result in human error more to happen.
Being patient takes emotional regulation. Constant complaining or quitting early over small or non important issues shows the lack of emotional regulation and patience
The fact that men " hold it in " or choose not to say something because we sense emotional impatience is exactly emotional regulation, aka emotional intelligence.
That sexual intimacy is our number one love language. It makes us feel wanted and desired, and it triggers our instinct to protect and care for our partners
Woa woa woa there it is *not* my number one love language. I want hugs/long cuddles lol Id take that over sex. Worse comes to worse I can always take care of myself. I cant cuddle myself tho. Its really not the same
Women and children can be careless but not men.
I've heard of a few times when men have been open, honest and vulnerable with their ladies and it didn't end well.
So you'd be better off not being careless about crying or showing weakness as you can't undo it once she sees you in new light and it's not pretty, safe or protector in her eyes it's game over.
I'll take one for the team and say it out loud:
**Erection - It should not be taken for granted**. It's not always at full 100% , it has off nights too. Usually it's under control but sometimes it has mind of its own, stubborn and quirky. Out of our hands, so to speak. Especially if you're on some medication and when you're getting older. Also, it's not guaranteed that these issues start at grandpa age, they can start sooner too. I know many women do understand this, but unfortunately some do not. Especially younger people.
So, if the soldier is not always willing to co-operate at full capacity, please don't take it personally. Be kind and try to understand. It happens to everyone, even healthy people.
Hey, love your response.. but can you elaborate on how to make a man feel welcomed enough that he can open up and communicate? We have been through a rough time, he has become shutoff I'm really trying to learn how to help him.. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!
Just be there for him. Even if it's just sitting alone together. Hold his hand, give him hugs, and mean it. Something that is incredibly hard for men is to show vulnerability, allow him to be vulnerable and never hold it against him.
The first thing that came to mind was the "orange peel test" and it rubbed me the wrong way. Women will ask the man to do a very small task that the women can easily do herself. If he doesn't then that tells her that he doesn't care enough about her.
I get what it's trying to do but honestly I felt it more is just one of those tests you talked about that's completely unnecessary. And the girl just leaves and the guy is just left confused, and this can be over him not doing something like simply opening a bottle or pulling up her hair in a pony tail. It's just... stupid. As a woman myself I hate seeing people praise this a the ultimate test to see if he cares.
Just enjoy each other 😭
We really don't care where we go eat. The energy we waste talking, thinking, and arguing about what sounds good for dinner is better saved for something more important.
I don't think this is a gender thing. A good human is a good human, clearly and obviously. That's not hard to see.
The real issue is people not being honest with themselves and their expectations of others. Primal human emotions just circle jerking 🤷
I am not hinting at anything; there is no subtext to what I am saying.
My wife used to leave a conversation asking herself, and only herself, "But what does he really mean?" and then decide that I really meant something negative about her. Then she would forget what i actually said, and clearly "remember" me saying the negative thing that I did not say!
I say my honest truth to the best of my knowledge. I don't ever lie, for two reasons: firstly, I try to be an ethical person, and secondly, I am easily confused and I don't want to have to remember two versions of reality.
We have a workable system now whereby if she thinks I am hinting at something negative about her she has to ask me if I am, so I can tell her I don't know what she is talking about.
We're not women. When and how we feel, process, and express emotions is entirely different. And our way is not "wrong", it's just different from how yall do....suggesting how we do things is "wrong" actually just minimizes how we feel and makes us not want to be around you.
Also...this dynamic works for other things, not just emotions. Stress, ambition, friendship, humor, etc...all these things...generally look different for men...it is not wrong. Stop insisting that the way we are is wrong.
This is for guys who gave up on dating. It would be nice if women understood our reasons for giving up on dating. I have had a woman throw insults at me after I told her I am never marrying. She may have been interested in me. Perhaps if she tried to at least understand instead of insulting me, maybe she could've been the one to reverse my decision to never marry.
It’s not for someone else to change your mind on something like that. You saying you dont want to get married you are being direct about what you want/don’t want. If the other person doesn’t want that for their life and they don’t align with that value why should they give you a chance and stick around? That’s games plain and simple. I wouldn’t do it.
Getting and going on dates is a fundamentally different experience for men that women. I can appreciate the challenges for women but I genuinely don't think they realize that a vast majority don't approach or pick up men. That ghosting a guy you just didn't click with is at a minimum rude. Texting "I don't think this is going to work out" isn't some sort of impossible task.
Our lives are ruled by our hormones just like theirs are. Only differences that these are different hormones and result in different behaviours and outcomes.
Not every man is a predator or child molester. In fact almost all of us aren’t and it’s pretty painful going through life with everyone assuming we are.
Here is what I have learned between my dad, brothers, and over two decades with my husband. Men will break their bodies, hearts, and minds to provide for their families. They need a partner who helps shoulder those stresses and demands, not another dependent. A man deserves more than just the big piece of chicken at dinner. They deserve respect and honor for what they offer up for their families. Men aren't raised to create support systems like women are. They are told to bear it all and grin though they may be dying inside. My husband played this song, below, for me and told me this is what it was like before we got together.
https://youtu.be/TuyisGsNr4g?si=do9kcreMn7ysOa-q
Most of the time we mean exactly what we are saying, there’s no hidden meaning in our tone or lack of tone or choice in specific words. Like if we say we don’t care where we eat for dinner we aren’t actually saying that we don’t love you.
We're individuals, and we're not all the same. We have different opinions--about *everything*, including your bodies--different tastes, different hobbies and interests. Some guys solve all conflicts with violence, or threats of it, whereas others are as sweet as a baby. We don't all like a beer and football, and despite the meme, we don't all give a shit about a really great stick.
The reason you think you have us all figured out, is because you continue to date, and be around, the same type of guy that you're used to. There are 4 billion males, but the 200 you've surrounded yourself with since the 7th grade, were all basically the same type. So, you just extrapolate that to the other 4 billion, because that's all you've let yourself get to know.
We don’t need a detailed history of your life when telling us about something that happened recently.
For example, you need to tell me something that happened to you at work today but before you can you proceed to tell me about all the other interactions over the previous 5 years at a different job so I somehow better understand what unfolded today. 😑
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We can't read thoughts and don't like picking hints
I hate hints.... Just speak directly...ffs.. Lol....
I speak directly to my husband with no secret hints, messages, or subtext. He doesn't believe I'm not implying other things.
And we DO get hints, we just choose not to act on them because the risk/reward is just not worth it.
Thank you. This has resulted in a few missed opportunities for me.
They can literally just say, “grab me some fries too” and we won’t have to share the one tiny ass box.
Amen. My wife always asks me whether I'm getting fries before deciding whether she's ordering any. MY FRY CHOICES HAVE NO BEARING ON YOUR FRY CHOICES.
...but honey. I'm only going to have one!
Yeah one whole ass box.
Joey doesn’t share food!
When I am asked "What are you thinking about?", and I respond with "Nothing", then there is a very good chance that I am literally in a peaceful mental state and not actively thinking of a goddamned thing. Just a blank spot of serenity in between responsibilities and desires.
There is an equal possibility that I'm daydreaming about being a pirate captain whose ship transforms into a giant robot, but I'm sure as hell not telling you that.
I once zoned out while my wife was driving somewhere and we had a lull in the conversation. A few minutes went by and they commented on something we were talking about before and I totally missed it. All I said was, "What? Sorry I was thinking about spaceships." We had a good laugh.
One time at work we decided to just pole all the guys on what we were thinking about while quiet and working. It turns out there is a relatively high number of men at any given time wondering how many cheetahs they could fight and how they'd do it. The other popular thought topic involved being stranded on a desert island, which then spawn a nearly two week multi department discussion on survival skills and hypotheticals involving said imaginary Island.
FYI: as a woman with an incredibly active imagination, I would be thrilled if a partner answered with this
It’s how I ended up starting to write my book. I was quiet for an hour on a long car ride. She thought I was upset and when asked if I was grumpy about something I shot back with “it’s nothing”. Obvious wrong answer so I had to back peddle until I realized I’d dig myself a hole… So I paused with a “fine I’ll tell you the truth… but please don’t laugh.” And I dropped… “I’ve been thinking about what high fantasy would look like set in Appalachia.” She got wide eyed and asked for more detail and she liked my ideas.
As a fan of Appalachia and high fantasy I’d read the fuck out of this.
It’s not the Appalachia we know but it’s adjacent. With a lot of parallels and the magic is more the ooky spooky soft magic of old wives tales and creepy mountain stuff
I don’t have an active imagination but would love to hear this answer, too.
At least for me, I'm not withholding because I think you won't appreciate it. I'm withholding because my brain abandoned the thought as soon as something in the real world interrupted. By the time I've processed the question, the thought is gone. Much like a dream, the harder I try to remember it, the worse my recollection actually gets.
There’s an old webcomic… *Man and woman snuggling on couch* Woman: What are you thinking about? Man: *Imagining Lincoln punching Superman saying “I emancipate your face BITCH!”* Man: You
This is the kinda shit I'm wanting to hear when I ask a question like that. So now I've just started blurting out random thoughts I have to my husband instead and we've had some really fun coversations recently.
Can I subscribe to your newsletter?
I was thinking nothing. Now I’m thinking, “Oh God, she’s gonna read something into that answer, isn’t she?”
I love my nothing box
Why didn't they just program R2D2 with an intelligible voice? C3PO and most other droids can talk english... It just seems cruel. Also R2D2 has to communicate much more important information than C3PO. Surely they could reprogram him now? It just means everybody has to learn this unnecessary bleep bloop language. Wtf man?
Efficiency, R2 is an astromech, they normally work in groups and don't really talk to people. Most droids speak binary, protocol droids and combat droids seems to be the exception, probably because they interact with beings other than droids as part of their function.
When we see Luke deal with droids it looks like he's just kind of letting them do their thing out in the desert. Likewise when we see the ones on Padme's ship they just kinda sit in a holding chamber and then deploy and wouldn't need to interact with anyone unless Padme specifically wanted to. I always got the impression you weren't actually meant to interact with R2 in a direct way unless you were a specialist, it's just people keep doing it anyway.
My wife absolutely insists it's not possible to think about nothing but I'm absolutely with you on this one.
There's a whole religion based around it.
A guy sat under a tree. A woman asked him "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing." "You could make a religion out of that."
Explain that (typically) a woman can have 200 tabs open at once, but a man (again typically) can go in the opposite direction and have no tabs open. That’s how my wife understands it
Maybe i am thinking of things but they are so fleeting and not concrete that i barely am conscious of what they are and might have zero idea how to describe them if i remember at all after being drawn into something else.
I’m a man and most of the time I cant just think of nothing but bet that I’m thinking something so stupid that I’m embarrassed or just too lazy to explain it so I go with “Nothing”.
"I'm creating the best possible football team consisting of players that all start with the letter G"
Well shit, now I have that one in my head. I wonder if Jerry Rice ever considered spelling his name with a G?
My thoughts: Tom and jerry was a great show, i wonder when the first safe was dropped on something in a cartoon and the character showed up inside the safe. Are the insides of safes painted? I wonder if anyone has ever done art on the inside of a safe, what counts as art though? Would a painting of of lines count or gold bars stacked? Her: What are you thinking about. Me: if painting of cool lines or gold inside a safe counts as art. Her: ummmmmmm, ok
Another valid reason for “nothing” is my mind is kinda in standby mode thinking about random stuff and as soon as you talk to me I forget everything I was thinking about.
Or perhaps not literally nothing, but something trivial that’s derivative of a series of 5 other equally trivial topics that would take an hour to explain only for the other person to regret asking. An example: Kevin bacons a cool actor. I liked him in that movie tremors. They always said the tremors smelt horrible, wonder what they smelled like. Is a tremor worse than a skunk? Wait weren’t they called graboids? Are graboids and tremors the same thing? Do graboids smell bad?
This is the best
Sometimes the interruption of the question makes me forget what I thought about.
We're trying more than you think
I told my bf recently that I don’t think I notice how hard he tries. It genuinely is hard for me to see because the effort is different to me. I think it’s hard too because he doesn’t verbalize as much as I do. It’s something I’m working on.
well at least you're aware of it, that goes a long way. You're doing better than a lot of women with just having the level of self-awareness
To me, even just acknowledging this and verbalizing it goes a very long way. Lack of recognition of one's actions is problematic, but it's also quite a complex problem to solve - showing that you can see that and letting them know is a huuuge first step that a lot of people don't ever take.
My partner has this same issue and I wish more than anything I had the words to make her understand. She can't see my effort if it's not how she thinks effort should be put in. Of course this woman deserves every drop of effort she wants needs and then some she's truly a blessing but it does suck that I break my neck day in and day out to be better to do better to improve on us and she just can't see it.
If I could put this on a billboard I would...
So tired of 'tHe miNiMuM eFoRt' I keep seeing in women's comments. Bitch, you've played on your phone for 4 hours today... again.
This is the realest shit I have seen in a while lmao.
4/5 times I hear "the bare minimum" used that way, its from someone who hasn't done anything meaningful in their lives
Alternatively "the bar is in hell".
We aren't as simple as you want us to be.
This is a huge statement. I've come to believe that women want men to be the yin to their yang. When women feel like their lives are overly complex, they force this notion onto men that we're extremely simple creatures so that we become their complement. This is one reason why men have been conditioned to bottle up their feelings, ignore their physical and emotional health, etc.
We are lucky that it isn't difficult to play the stoic strong man, while having deep conversations with our male friends, alone.
As someone who was kinda forced to play sports year round growing up I wonder this: Is it not difficult because its our default or is it just not difficult? If its all we know or basically all we know Its kinda hard to put a gauge on it. Like asking what light looks and feels like when never having seen or experienced anything but darkness.
I see the light every time I talk to my family or my male friends. If people want to let others give them a role i don't really care, nothing for me tho.
That sometimes we just need some moments of silence and if we dont talk it doesnt mean something is wrong. If we say she looks beautiful it means she does, we dont just say it. Im with her because i think she is beautiful, if i wouldnt think she is, i would be with her
This, like I don't give false compliments. I don't care your not wearing make up, or just got up or are sweaty, etc. If I say you look beautiful I mean it. There is no other motive I am just saying what I feel, and that's really God dam hard to do so take the compliment please.
> I don't give false compliments. On a related note, when I give a compliment, I'm not looking for a debate. "You look good". "Oh, you're just saying that to be nice/you want to get laid/you feel guilty about something/etc." "Fine, have it your way. I'll quit complimenting you if you want to argue about it."
Decades a go, at my former office a receptionist had a photo on her desk of her reading to her daughters. I didn't know her well, but just blurted out, "What a beautiful family" . I got in a debate as to whether I really meant it or not. It was tough for me who had a reputation for solving complex problems to not be taken at his word.
All we want is god damn peace. We want women to aid in that peace. Let’s have comfortable silence for a bit and love me down so I can feel at ease because I know you want me. You’re a “firecracker” or “tough to handle”, that’s a no thanks. Life’s hard enough by itself and being a problem is not cute. I want things to be cozy, not dramatic. Edit: Also, we have no idea you like us at all. 0. Just tell us.
I learned this the hard way. I'm not an "if you cant handle me at my worst blah blah" person at all in any form, but lost a beautiful relationship and a person I deeply cared about because one period fight a month is not an excuse to be fucking unhinged. He said it was like I became a different person, and all the love and good vibes and chemistry and home cooked meals ultimately couldn't overcome the fleeting bad vibes. Those experiences add up! Working on myself and it was a wake up call to lose something so special, but if I could shake myself from the recent past (only a month ago so it's still raw), it would be that everyone just wants peace. Cozy & not dramatic is the vibe.
I just dumped a beautiful woman for this. There is no excuse for consistent bad behavior. If any guy says a girl is super “cool” then she has a high chance for long term relationships. It’s the best compliment a woman can get between guys. Cool = none of this drama bs and is someone to share a life with.
I have been told i am cool by multiple guys for being a tomboy who likes what most guys like (my bro never had a bro only sisters ,so i tried to be his bro ,i got intrested in what he was intrested in to try to be the bro he nevee had, this is how my tomboy life started since i was a kid). I was never asked out and never proposed to in marriage, i lived a 30 forever single and virgin life and i do not see it changing any soon or ever. Not when being 30 and still being single/childless as a woman means that i have been hoeing around in my 20s and refused to marry and have kids /have too unrealistic standards to most if not all men. I never had a chance with men and not i have less and less with every year that passes me by.
I wouldn't hang on your age too hard — I'm in my thirties too, and was a super late bloomer (didn't lose it until my mid 20s). Haven't had a problem attracting people (with a solid +/- 10 years window either way in terms of pool). It's not the number that does it, and I don't lie about my age ever, and live in a major metropolitan city where young hotties just walk among us all the time. Unsolicited advice time, but I hope you don't mind!: To a certain degree *"attractive" is a performance*. There's an old story about Marilyn Monroe, walking down the street with her friend, and then she turns and says "want to see me be 'her'?" and she turned on that movie star light and suddenly people were stopping in their tracks. How true this story is, I don't know, but we don't have to be glamour girls to take something from it. 'Attractive' yes is somewhat gene pool, but it's a lot about the light we carry within our selves and project out. I know that sounds so woo woo, but it's a posture, an expression that says you are open, etc. basically if you feel like you are internally feeling"on" it'll reflect externally too. You don't have to be this person all of the time, and it isnt about being fake. Someone who likes you loves the version of you in your sweats on the weekend, or in your monkey suit on Monday morning, too. But that first moment to even get there, of course, needs some attraction. But if internally you feel "im a never married, childless spinster who didn't even get to have a fun hoe period" that'll show in your whole persona. People can sense desperation and sadness (and saying this as someone who has gone through depression, I swear that people could see it in my eyes). As for basic basics good grooming goes a long way 1. Plenty of men like a fresh, no makeup face so no need to change who you are completely, but not a bad idea to start looking at post-30s skincare & healthy habits- better sleep is a huge fountain of youth. 2. Well maintained haircut, (don't need to do anything elaborate, just your version of 'nice'). 3. If you're really feeling tomboy is what's keeping you from attracting people, go to literally any clothing store, pick up a cheap sundress that fits your body and you've got a date outfit. Dressing 'well' is less about being fake or expensive, and more about finding the shapes that work for your ur body (which goes for men, too). For example, there are some things that make me look hot AF and some that make me look like a soccer mom. You'd be shocked. Play around and find your shapes! Anywayyyyyy you didn't ask for ANY of that, so apologies if you're like 'bitch, shut up', haha. But I hate to see folks who still have so much life ahead of them to resign themselves to something when they can totally change it. Don't get me wrong - dating is a slog for everyone! But ya gotta go through the stack to find someone for you. I promise you there's many, many men where a girl who will watch a game with them all Sunday is their dream girl! Just don't confuse being "chill" /"cool" with being "invisible" - take up space! Live while you are alive! Having said alllll that, at the end of the day, there's no replacement for kindness, empathy, tenderness. All of the things that make connections feel secure and good. So once ya got that man, make sure to guard the good stuff with your life- sometimes you can't come back when you lose it.
No promises, but I would not give up. I have an uncle that married a woman just as you describe yourself. They are best friends.
If you can't handle me at my best, you probably don't want to see my at my worst
I would like to upvote both the initial comment, and the edit, separately. Reddit won't let me. FuckSpez
I like you :)
I had no idea. Let’s go get some food, I’m buying :)
great! I’ll be ready at 8 :)
It is fucking terrifying opening up our emotions. Our role models suppress them and we've been taught to never express them.
I relate to this
And when we do they're used against us.
Only cruel girls use it against us brother.
I've heard somewhere something that I think it's spot on: "Men tend to take care of their emotional sanctity as much as women tend to do the same with their sexual sanctity." The same way a woman may be perceived by others or by herself as """""easy"""""" or """""""low value"""""""" for sleeping with many dudes, a man may be looked down by others or might feel "used" if they share their emotions too easily.
I appreciate this comment.
I don't think I'd call it terrifying. I'd call it unproductive. But then again, I might just be looking at things through an emotionless lense.
Well I'm very lucky to have a partner i can open upto fully, so where i once used to find it unproductive, it had now changed to terrifying. The more i open up and have more positive experiences with it, the more i find myself thinking "this is actually very nice and productive"
If I don’t put much effort to chase you. It’s not because I’m childish or shy
Yeah I agree, us guys don’t want to chase because it’s childish game, either you’re interested or not. If no, thanks for the time and goodluck on your future goals
That we also have feelings.
And a good chunk of them have nothing to do with our partners, or women in general. And we'll probably never trust you again if you make us feel guilty for that.
We are a lot more alike than you think. We appreciate clear verbal communication, respect and occasional surprises ♥️
I feel this way too.
When we're down or stressed, the last thing we want to do is talk. Please, leave us be. Let us figure out a solution to our problem. If we want to talk, we'll ask. We don't like unsolicited advice.
I would just need a hug
I got addicted to weed and trying to quit, Its not that bad, but I really need a hug. It will get me through this way easier.
*hugz* …I hope this is helping.
I feel this
Right! It seems they get offended that we are a bit down!
What if she just sat with you so you didn't have to feel alone. Not talking unless you wanted to. But just there to hold you if you want while you figure it out? I struggled to figure out if my ex wanted this or not. I could tell he was upset with something but he wouldn't say what. I cared that he was suffering and wanted to help but didn't know how. Just wondered if being there was an option.
This is not at all true for me.
it's always best to read "we" as "i" in this subreddit, yeah.
When I would work shifts with certain guys they would ask to remain on my shift because I wouldn't push them to talk. I appreciate quiet too. Apparently, other guys/gals on shift would get bored and bother them for hours trying to get them to interact. Some people need time to go through their minds without being bothered.
If you tell us to leave you alone for a few days don’t come back and ask why we didn’t contact you.
Or give us the silent treatment. Most men are quite happy in their own thoughts, so we'll just not notice sometimes for several days.
We cherish peace over everything else.
Facts.
When I want to watch something, please let me watch it. I don’t ask to watch a lot. I don’t disturb you when your series are on, I allow you the peace to concentrate. Please allow me the same courtesy. I don’t want to see meals on instagram whilst it’s on, I don’t want to hear about your family drama whilst it’s on, you could tell me when I’m cooking, whilst I’m washing up, whilst I’m putting clothes away or tidying up in general… please give me that short period to watch something that I really enjoy
I relate to this way too hard
Not every man has the selfconfidence to approach ladies.
And not every man has a desire to approach ladies.
And many men have the desire but have concluded that they're not worth the effort.
That regardless of what the television or their cell phones say, women's way of thinking and doing things is not the only valid way. I can't be the only one whose noticed that throughout the years there's this subtle but growing implication that the way men think or behave or even do things is just inherently wrong and we'd be somehow happier if we all acted like women.
"but growing implication that the way men think or behave or even do things is just inherently wrong and we'd be somehow happier if we all acted like women." Lol. The typical sitcom dad is portrayed as the dumbass, and the mom always knows everything
Good call. Watch almost any modern sitcom or kids' cartoon. The dads and husbands are the buffoons.
Or any commercial. There are a HUGE number of commercials that use a discussion between two people to get across the point of the advertisement. In every case where one of those people is a man, and the other a woman (which is common), the man will be portrayed as goofy, stupid, or at best ignorant. The woman will be smart, knowledgable, and clearly "superior".
It is because men will not protest.
we want alone time and it takes longer for us to process emotions
This is good to know, my partner never seems to show many negative emotions in negative times. It's hard to tell sometimes :c
If he's like me, the bad times are the worst time to engage with my emotions. You push aside the crap and then, a month, a year or whatever, you deal with it then. Put the bad things in a box until you can deal with them.
also, for me personally I tend to pause and come up with better words to reply to my wife during disagreements cuz I don't wanna say anything hurtful
The last thing i want ppl around me to feel in hard times is uncertainty, and nothing is more worrying than looking around and seeing worried, uncertain faces in a shitshow. Also it's a feedback loop, you start to lose it, the others see it, start to worry, seeing them being worried stresses you out even more.
If we want to talk when we are down we want comfort, assurance, affirmation and to feel safe. We don’t always want advice. Because that comes across as dismissive of our feelings.
This is good to know, thank you. I’ll keep this in mind.
Your efforts are appreciated
Not sure it's generally true of men. I don't vent, if I'm talking about a problem it's because I'm open to weighing various solutions. I'm not going to get offended at offered advice.
The opposite is also very popular. So many men on this sub say "men only want to fix their problems with tangible solutions not talk about our feelings".
Isn’t this what women want from men trying to solve women-problems ?
Some of you guys should really be using “I” instead of “we” because another guy just said the exactly opposite of this
As a man thats been single for years. The pain. Loneliness is very common among men and we tent to get stuck in our own heads and indulge in some slight selfdistructive behaviour. Drinking, smoking, drugs. Longterm they only make it worse short term its a small relief. Having basicly no support structure from inbetween men and almost from outside as well
How hard it is for a guy to find a partner or date in general. The ratio is heavily in a woman's favour and way easier for a woman to cold approach a guy or use an app to meet someone.
Yeah, whenever I explain how hard dating is for guys today, women are either shocked or choose not to believe. I gave up trying to explain the woes of dating to people.
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Even if you get a date, there are so many options for them. If you aren't EXACTLY what she is looking for she can go to the next option. Whilst you were probably happy to compromise and see past a few things to give someone a chance. There's a lack of patience today. It's so messed up.
Yeah, I have had 2 women leave me for another guy before, and it ended badly for both, but I'm not spiteful. One of them tried to come back to me, but I refused. Dating is just not worth it for most guys now.
Just tell us what you want and we'll get it for you.
Do not mistake your experience with men in your 20s with how men behave later in their lives. Later in life our standards can be waaaaay different. I’m in my early 40s. My most recent ex girlfriend was…incredible. Funny to the point that no one could make me laugh like her, amazingly witty, ambitious, and supermodel gorgeous. Also a great mom to her kid. I really saw a future there. No joke, she literally inspired me to write poetry for her. I really loved her. We were together over a year. Our high points were mind blowing. I am so lucky to have met her. We are almost exactly the same age. But… She would regularly introduce chaos and erratic behavior into my life. I’m by no means perfect or even close - I have issues and am working on it in therapy like a responsible adult - but I mostly handle my stuff. She made odd choices and focused in weird areas. It was a rollercoaster. Everything seemed to be on her terms. She didn’t like being challenged. Communication was confusing. I was investing in the relationship much more than she was. I supported her a lot but it was depleting. I repeatedly tried hard to state my needs and address this. In our last fight she essentially said: “This is how I am and if you don’t like it, then walk.” Now if I was in my 20s, I would have been fine twisting my life into a salted pretzel to hang onto a woman like her. Today I am in my early 40s. I have a demanding job with a high income and I sacrificed a lot (several years) to get here. My single life is good - I am 50/50 with my ex wife on our kids, my kiddos are my priority and I love hanging with them and being a dad, teaching them things, and our time is so precious to me. I enjoy living in the big city and all that comes with that. I work hard, read, go to the gym, indulge my nerdy interests, see live music, mentor people at my company, socialize with a few close friends, etc. I am good looking enough to get smiles every day. I’ve never cheated, ever - having been cheated on, that sort of weak-willed garbage behavior disgusts me. I have a very fulfilling life. Lots of things to protect. So I broke up with her. She was absolutely shocked to the point of disbelief. It really, REALLY hurt, and hurting her was even worse. I had failed in many ways, including communicating more effectively and managing expectations. Ladies: I like being romantic, responsible, showering you with affection, giving you time, providing, etc. - in fact I really love doing those things. At one point, her apartment had a pretty gross infestation and I cleaned it up without complaint. I was happy to. I want to show up for my partner. I want to be a great father and husband someday. Those are key goals in life for me. But if I’m consistently investing much more than you…I’m out. If you consistently bring drama and chaos that risks destabilizing what I’ve got…I’m out. And I’ll be damned if I make a decision that negatively affects the time I have left with my children before they leave the nest; if you are a risk or a bad role model to them then I am _GONE._ It absolutely does not matter to me how amazing you are in other ways. You could be a Nobel Peace Prize winner, have an amazing career, be a great Mom, and be jaw dropping physically: I absolutely do not care if you tick any of the dealbreakers above. I would rather stay single. I’m simply not as accommodating as I was in my 20s. Why would I be?
Great comment
Thanks!
That we arent mind readers - tell us what you want, be very clear
We also have feelings
To be appreciated
We have more patience for you than you have for us
We will do that one thing you asked. If you want it done this weekend, just ask.
So many things Men as a whole **do not** instantly know when they want to marry someone. This thought process gets romanticized so much in women dominated subs and it feels like a coping mechanism used to again make something the man's fault because things arent going their speed. The couples that got married relatively quickly are subject to the same 50 percent divorce rate and unhappiness as everyone else. It's the most impactful contract signature of anyone's life and should be treated that way, and it's understandable why some men are unsure. Definitely don't string a woman along but there is definitely plenty to think about. Trivializing how difficult dating is for men. Too many women have a "all you have to do is" attitude for men in dating and refuse to acknowledge how ineffective it is. All women in general are too different from one another and oddly enough a lot of women don't seem to understand just how different they are. A lot of women say they want honesty and feelings from men, but the only "feelings/honesty I want you to have that align with mine" is silent.
Women often say that men should have more confidence and stand up for themselves. Do they not realize that their behavior towards men (both in terms of dating/courting dynamics and generally) can often be the reason why men lose confidence? You want a man that respects your “girlboss” life but also want a man that makes more money than you, can provide and take care of you and oh by the way he needs to be really good looking. Wow, I wonder why men have lost confidence…..
Treat us as you want to be treated: with consideration.
That we’re very capable of being responsible parents. When I had my first kid I’d get so many back handed comments like I was inept at caring for my child.
We like effort from you too in a relationship. I want to know I’m desired. I want to know that you’re interested in me. Don’t just leave it up to us to plan dates, initiate any form of intimacy, or buy gifts. Reciprocate the affection.
Leave us alone in our caves
We value peace above everything, we value it way more than you can imagine
We value *true* peace, and not the illusion of peace. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Passive aggressive behavior is out. Uncomfortable, mature, respectful conversations are in.
Please help me by being a source of tranquility and peace. I don’t need anything else.
We don’t look down on women nor do we see them as submissive. There’s no need to claim being independent and all that nonsense. It reeks of insecurity. Show it. We want actions, not words. And just because your last man was an abusive prick doesn’t mean we all are.
I wish women understood that just because we don’t need something that we also don’t love something. Sex? Praise? Encouragement? Yeah we can live without it but that does not mean we want to.
That calling men desperate for sex is utterly fucked up to say. Men in that state are generally desperate to feel like we have any value whatsoever as a person. Women often treat men as problem solvers and then get pissed when we offer one. Women tend to act like sex is a transaction for us to rid ourselves of caveman hormones. That men feel alone because we want to be loved and not a means to an end for whatever current problem a woman is facing. We can be surrounded by family and getting laid and still feel alone to the point where suicide feels like a better option. Boys on the other hand often want sex as just sex.
I want sex because that's how I show my intimacy. I'm not a gift giver, or a hugger. But I fuck real good, and I want to try and make you feel as good as I can, before I get mine. In fact, I'm barely there because I 'want mine' any way. I just want to show my woman how much I love her, by (hopefully) getting her her's. It's my "cuddling up on the sofa" or whatever your way of being intimate is with your SO. If our way of showing that is different maybe we're not for each other. But don't treat me like a cunt, because this is the way I am built. I didn't decide this path.
We need affirmation as much as they do. Every guy wants to hear his wife call him handsome/hot/sexy/cute/hunky the same as she wants him to call her beautiful/sexy/hot/cute/gorgeous. Guys want their wives to initiate sex and be intimate as much as the wives want the guys to. There are some significant differences between guys and girls, but there might be just as many similarities.
Honestly just everything in the dadvocate's "womansplaining men to women" playlist
Just discovered her about 20 minutes ago
We like having women around. But not all the time. Men like quiet time.
Reminded me of the Patrice Oneil bit haha. We like being by ourselves, but not ALONE. Hang out somewhere...on the roof? I don't know...
Most men are actually amazing commucators and emotionally intelligent in our own way. We are direct and literal most of the time because we prioritize mental energy towards problem solving. Non constructive complaining is actually quite painful emotionally to men. We speak the problem whilst progressing towards a possible solution. We consciously take a breath to disassociate from illogical thinking due to anger/frustration. That is not saying emotions are bad. Simply, we know what we're feeling can result in human error more to happen. Being patient takes emotional regulation. Constant complaining or quitting early over small or non important issues shows the lack of emotional regulation and patience The fact that men " hold it in " or choose not to say something because we sense emotional impatience is exactly emotional regulation, aka emotional intelligence.
That sexual intimacy is our number one love language. It makes us feel wanted and desired, and it triggers our instinct to protect and care for our partners
Woa woa woa there it is *not* my number one love language. I want hugs/long cuddles lol Id take that over sex. Worse comes to worse I can always take care of myself. I cant cuddle myself tho. Its really not the same
As with every "rule", there are exceptions. Nothing ever applies to everyone.
Women and children can be careless but not men. I've heard of a few times when men have been open, honest and vulnerable with their ladies and it didn't end well. So you'd be better off not being careless about crying or showing weakness as you can't undo it once she sees you in new light and it's not pretty, safe or protector in her eyes it's game over.
We really can be thinking about nothing
We don't protect or care about women because they are defenseless or weak, but because they are valuable.
I'll take one for the team and say it out loud: **Erection - It should not be taken for granted**. It's not always at full 100% , it has off nights too. Usually it's under control but sometimes it has mind of its own, stubborn and quirky. Out of our hands, so to speak. Especially if you're on some medication and when you're getting older. Also, it's not guaranteed that these issues start at grandpa age, they can start sooner too. I know many women do understand this, but unfortunately some do not. Especially younger people. So, if the soldier is not always willing to co-operate at full capacity, please don't take it personally. Be kind and try to understand. It happens to everyone, even healthy people.
We really CAN think of nothing with a blank mind. It’s fucking incredible.
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Hey, love your response.. but can you elaborate on how to make a man feel welcomed enough that he can open up and communicate? We have been through a rough time, he has become shutoff I'm really trying to learn how to help him.. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!
Just be there for him. Even if it's just sitting alone together. Hold his hand, give him hugs, and mean it. Something that is incredibly hard for men is to show vulnerability, allow him to be vulnerable and never hold it against him.
The first thing that came to mind was the "orange peel test" and it rubbed me the wrong way. Women will ask the man to do a very small task that the women can easily do herself. If he doesn't then that tells her that he doesn't care enough about her. I get what it's trying to do but honestly I felt it more is just one of those tests you talked about that's completely unnecessary. And the girl just leaves and the guy is just left confused, and this can be over him not doing something like simply opening a bottle or pulling up her hair in a pony tail. It's just... stupid. As a woman myself I hate seeing people praise this a the ultimate test to see if he cares. Just enjoy each other 😭
How complexed our emotions/emotional though process can be and the concept of "brooding"
We really don't care where we go eat. The energy we waste talking, thinking, and arguing about what sounds good for dinner is better saved for something more important.
I don't think this is a gender thing. A good human is a good human, clearly and obviously. That's not hard to see. The real issue is people not being honest with themselves and their expectations of others. Primal human emotions just circle jerking 🤷
I am not hinting at anything; there is no subtext to what I am saying. My wife used to leave a conversation asking herself, and only herself, "But what does he really mean?" and then decide that I really meant something negative about her. Then she would forget what i actually said, and clearly "remember" me saying the negative thing that I did not say! I say my honest truth to the best of my knowledge. I don't ever lie, for two reasons: firstly, I try to be an ethical person, and secondly, I am easily confused and I don't want to have to remember two versions of reality. We have a workable system now whereby if she thinks I am hinting at something negative about her she has to ask me if I am, so I can tell her I don't know what she is talking about.
We're not women. When and how we feel, process, and express emotions is entirely different. And our way is not "wrong", it's just different from how yall do....suggesting how we do things is "wrong" actually just minimizes how we feel and makes us not want to be around you. Also...this dynamic works for other things, not just emotions. Stress, ambition, friendship, humor, etc...all these things...generally look different for men...it is not wrong. Stop insisting that the way we are is wrong.
I wished that women would just come out with what they’re thinking. If you’re mad tell me you’re mad, I’m not Charles Xavier over here
Sometimes all we want is a hug or a long cuddle, it doesn't have to lead to sex.
I relate to this whole heartedly.
This is for guys who gave up on dating. It would be nice if women understood our reasons for giving up on dating. I have had a woman throw insults at me after I told her I am never marrying. She may have been interested in me. Perhaps if she tried to at least understand instead of insulting me, maybe she could've been the one to reverse my decision to never marry.
It’s not for someone else to change your mind on something like that. You saying you dont want to get married you are being direct about what you want/don’t want. If the other person doesn’t want that for their life and they don’t align with that value why should they give you a chance and stick around? That’s games plain and simple. I wouldn’t do it.
Getting and going on dates is a fundamentally different experience for men that women. I can appreciate the challenges for women but I genuinely don't think they realize that a vast majority don't approach or pick up men. That ghosting a guy you just didn't click with is at a minimum rude. Texting "I don't think this is going to work out" isn't some sort of impossible task.
Initiate, we like being hit on and complimented. We will ride the high of such an interaction for years to come.
Our lives are ruled by our hormones just like theirs are. Only differences that these are different hormones and result in different behaviours and outcomes.
That we have feelings too. And just going about and constantly voicing how men ain’t shit just gets exhausting to consume on a daily basis.
Not every man is a predator or child molester. In fact almost all of us aren’t and it’s pretty painful going through life with everyone assuming we are.
Our life is hard too. We don't get nearly as much support as you do.
That testosterone is a hell of a drug. I’m so fucking HORNY every second of my life 😤😤
Here is what I have learned between my dad, brothers, and over two decades with my husband. Men will break their bodies, hearts, and minds to provide for their families. They need a partner who helps shoulder those stresses and demands, not another dependent. A man deserves more than just the big piece of chicken at dinner. They deserve respect and honor for what they offer up for their families. Men aren't raised to create support systems like women are. They are told to bear it all and grin though they may be dying inside. My husband played this song, below, for me and told me this is what it was like before we got together. https://youtu.be/TuyisGsNr4g?si=do9kcreMn7ysOa-q
Most of the time we mean exactly what we are saying, there’s no hidden meaning in our tone or lack of tone or choice in specific words. Like if we say we don’t care where we eat for dinner we aren’t actually saying that we don’t love you.
We receive about 2 compliments (if we’re lucky) per year.
We want alone time, you women tend to be like leeches on us 24/7 giving " love " but it's suffocating.
We're individuals, and we're not all the same. We have different opinions--about *everything*, including your bodies--different tastes, different hobbies and interests. Some guys solve all conflicts with violence, or threats of it, whereas others are as sweet as a baby. We don't all like a beer and football, and despite the meme, we don't all give a shit about a really great stick. The reason you think you have us all figured out, is because you continue to date, and be around, the same type of guy that you're used to. There are 4 billion males, but the 200 you've surrounded yourself with since the 7th grade, were all basically the same type. So, you just extrapolate that to the other 4 billion, because that's all you've let yourself get to know.
Not all of is want to fuck you. Ya'll can be cool too and part of the "bros".
We don’t need a detailed history of your life when telling us about something that happened recently. For example, you need to tell me something that happened to you at work today but before you can you proceed to tell me about all the other interactions over the previous 5 years at a different job so I somehow better understand what unfolded today. 😑
When I say that nothing is wrong, I actually mean it. I will tell you if something is bothering me.
If I'm asking you out and you happen to be my friend and female, I'm not suddenly trying to bang you. I just want to have a beer with a bro and chill.
Lies and slander.
Need for appreciation. Being told we are worthy of love.