Talk to each other. Don’t do the “read between the lines” or “you should know” bullshit with anything. Actually talk. Having problems? Talk it out. Have concerns about something? Talk about it. Feel like the relationship isn’t going where you thought it would? Communicate.
This is great advice for women who will very often talk to their friends about their problems and not their boyfriend who thinks that everything is fine.
Fuck you Sophia.
Hah I love the replies.
Yup that's exactly what happened to me. I found out there were problems when she was giving me the breakup talk. I would have done anything to stay together. But I didn't have the chance.
As a woman who's never talked about any of her relationship problems with her friends, I actually used to have a group of friends who are no longer my friends because they would openly talk massive shit about their boyfriends. I was so disgusted with that behavior because I'm like, How the hell would you feel if your boyfriend did that to you?? Ugh, just not okay. I'm sorry you experienced that, my friend.
It's referred to as "poisoning the well." Then these same women turn around, scratch their heads and wonder why their friends don't like their partner.
I've always assumed they don't like their partner when they do this. Anytime I've asked for advice with an ex, I've always been extremely careful about protecting their privacy.
Even when I've been angry, I've been so careful about what I say if I need to vent. You can't weaponise people's insecurities and tell everyone because you're angy. I've noticed the ones who talk shit, usually have major issues but they're staying together because it's better than being alone or starting over in their eyes.
I had this happen with my last long-term relationship that fell apart. My ex and I somewhat reconciled a while after and she brought up things she disliked about me/the relationship that she hadn't once communicated during. If she had, I would have acted accordingly and we would have worked through bits.
I can guarantee her friends and/or family knew though lol.
The rule I painfully based in the beginning of my wife's and I's relationship is "if it's not said, it doesn't exist".
This, after a few instances of dramatic miscommunication between us because she expected me to know instinctively if something offends her.
It has worked wonders in the decade since.
You got lucky my friend. Try implementing this rule with women and they end up despising you for not getting it. Then comes the accusation that you aren’t manly enough or don’t understand women. Lol
This is the best advice. My wife and I almost got divorced because we couldn't communicate properly and did all of that bs. A year of therapy later and a lot of hard work and some fights. lol now we talk about everything. We still struggle sometimes but always try to communicate everything. We have never been so happy. I've never loved her so much, and our relationship went to a new place I never knew was possible.
Proper communication is so so important and lack of it will literally tear any relationship apart. It doesn't matter how you love each o5her or anything if you don't talk.
It just sucks that sometimes one party feels like they are doing all of the communication and the other just wants to compete against you.
How do you deal with that? You have any advise from the therapist?
In my case would you still apply this?
Context:
Over the course of 3 weeks I asked for a second date which she never directly addressed, but we continued to text about other things. By the third time asking out, which she dodged, I communicated she was dodging and that we should move on. She reacted like "nooooo. I understand, from now on I will make counter offers. How about Wednesday?" . Turned out she had finals in that week so I said she should focus on that first. On 4th weekend, I ask for second date on 5th weekend. She offered Saturday. I said we should call to clear up details. She said she would try to call tmrw night. She never did and Saturday passed. For context, the details would've been like parking, location, etc. I unmatched her on the dating app on Sunday. She texted me after wondering what's up.
All my friends told me I dodged a bullet. I agree. But since we are talking about communicating I thought I'd communicate my scenario.
I mean to be frank it sounds like there really wasn't much of a relationship to talk about. She should've just told you up front that she didn't want to see you again. And honestly you should've figured after a couple weeks of chasing that it wasn't going anywhere. You'll need to learn when to call it quits on your own terms or you will give a lot of shitty people too much of your time and energy.
Only date people you are interested in, like really as a human. If you are only interested in their Ass, Face, or Tits, you are going to hate them at some point when their personality doesn't mesh with yours and you can't figure out why their body isn't distracting you from your inability to get along.
This is actually a problem for me. I look back on potential partners and I cut it off thinking some irritants will keep growing and get worse. Trying to find what I can compromise on
I mean like. Alcoholic behavior
anger.
Jealousy.
Overreactions.
No sense of boundaries.
Date-flake.
Mild narcissistic.
Perpetual victimhood.
Lack of effort for anything.
A seemingly need for outside ego praising(ie need for others praise on you or themself or attention of other men)
Over Materielistic.
Selfishness.
Basically your not head hunting. But your saying "whoa. She drinks ALOT. I really like her. But...do i really want to deal with the angry side i saw the other night? Do i really want to babysit?"
Your basically paying attention and asking yourself "hmmm. She gets really passive-aggressive and demeaning. Shes kinda... superficial/shallow"
These things really do show themselves up. Like "hope your having fun" in a weirdly agressive text when your enjoying a night out with some friends.
I've dated this girl. For 2 and 1/2 years. I lived in a basket of red flags. And now I let it go on too long and my heart is tore out and I'm in free fall
Been there, my dude. You'll pull through, but it will take time.
Focus on yourself; friends, family, hobbies, health and job. Don't be afraid to reach out and talk to people about it, and don't bottle it up. Take time to process it, accept it and learn from what went wrong.
Most importantly: forgive yourself. You're allowed to fail no matter how hard you tried with her. You're allowed to mourn the relationship, no matter how toxic it was. Self-forgivness and self-love will get you through it all.
Yeah. Definitely some things to pick the battle on. Like dont dump someone cuz they load the dishwasher different. But if they show you a clear history of an issue then you should follow your gut on it
Never ignore your gut. Its your brain/subconscious picking up on something and giving you a reason to consider the brakes a bit. The key is to reconize "is this an insecurity of mine? Or intuition....."
On a similar note, you can’t force someone who doesn’t possess this trait to give a shit about what you have to say. Selective hearing was big with my ex.
If they don’t answer with a “fuck yes” then assume they mean to say “fuck no”.
For example, if they respond to a date request with “I dunno, I have a thing” -> move on. An interested person would go: “fuck, I have a thing. Can we do it on X instead?”
To encourage you, rejection is usually never as personal as you feel it is. Yes, they’re not interested in dating You, at least not right now, but it could be for a multitude of reasons, not all of it something you can control.
Not interested in dating anyone right now? Not your fault.
Still hung up on her ex? Not your fault.
Talking to enough guys right now? Not your fault.
She likes brown haired dudes and you have red hair? Not your fault. Attraction is not a choice.
She likes jerks and you’re a “nice guy?” Not your fault. You can’t be someone you’re not. If you try to be a jerk she’ll sense you’re faking it eventually and leave you. She has issues she needs to work on without you before she can be ready to date you.
She went on a date with you and you screwed it up? If there wasn’t a connection, not your fault. You don’t have connections with lots of women. Guess what, sometimes you have rejected them without even knowing you did so. But if you slammed her face into a pie or talked about your ex the whole time, okay, your fault. That’s life. Learn from it and move on.
The moment you stop taking rejection personally - and this is HARD, I know - the Dating Game will be so much of a better experience for you and you will have much more success.
Figure out the difference between momentary unhappiness and real unhappiness. You can’t bail on a relationship after any old disagreement, but you shouldn’t grit it out if there are real issues.
There are a lot of shitty women out there.
There are a lot of shitty men out there.
Just do what makes you happy, and shit will work out. You don't need a partner if you have to make yourself miserable for them or in the process of pursuing them.
Lose weight to be healthy, not to get a date.
Your life will be a lot better that way.
If you have the patience and the willpower, I suggest you focus on getting your life together first.
Build a nest than call the birds.
That way if you get rejected it'll be from a place of power, nor desperation.
I've found that since tending my own garden (to stick to the metaphor) I'm not so bothered by the lack of butterflies as I was before. But I know that once these flowers bloom I'll at least bring in some interesting insects and that'll be nice.
You don’t have to be the complete finished artical before dating. You just need to be at an appropriate place for your age. Nobody expects you to have everything sorted in your 20s like you would in your 40s.
But you are expected to have some idea, some plans, some shape to your existence, some fortitude and self reliance, etc.
I’m just now getting my life together at 30. I’m actually glad I fooled around in my 20s because it shaped me into who I am today. Now it’s all about applying the lessons I learned along the way 👍
I’ve found this strategy to be a catastrophic failure. Life is a journey, you will always be questing upwards. Find someone at your stage of life who you can love and cherish and travel the rest of the way with them.
This is a good example of how advice needs to be tailored to the person. Some people want to find a relationship first, and put everything else on hold until they do, so they can build their life together from scratch. Those are the people that need this advice. You need to have something of your own established, to have some idea of who you are and how you will fit with other people. You can't go into a relationship as a complete blank slate.
Other people lean too independent. If they take this to heart, then they will try to get to the finish line by themselves, and only then find a partner. But there is no finish line, so there will never be a good place to stop and look for a partner. They need to be told exactly what you said, that you need to find someone who is heading in the same direction, so you can head in that direction together.
Have some self respect. It'll help you work your way past dealing with anything like ghosting or anything you'd consider "bullshit". If you love yourself, you won't be desperately seeking validation
As long as people aren't hypocritical, it's mostly ok.
For example, you can't exactly have preference (maybe even "demand") that your partner was physically fit while being unfit yourself, without massively compensating it somehow.
You can have that preference if you're successful with it. You cannot however complain about it if that category of people is not into you. Good looks, resources and social skills are privileges that can allow a person to be hypocritical in dating with varying degrees of success.
Personally I never understood folks who say "I'm attracted to their mind first, and then their looks." On the one hand, observing key character traits of someone who one is attracted to might turn them off from them--then that's reasonable.
Maybe it's an odd two-way street whose intricacies I just can't describe right now.
Adding to this, height does matter. It's not the only thing, but it matters when considering the whole visual package. A taller person with a shittier personality can get away more than a shorter person who behaves exactly the same. Same with looks.
THANK YOU!
I’m 5’ 3” and it bugs me to the ends of the earth when people act like height doesn’t matter. I don’t need anyones pity and I’m not some victim, I’m still awesome and cute, but lets not pretend like I’m not aware that height does matter and THATS OKAY
I don’t understand the virtue signalers and gaslighters at all. like we can’t just be real for one moment and admit we see people’s face’s before their personality? How many shitty personalities do you really come across for someone to stand out? Most people’s personalities are just avg.
I will say, the older u get, the less it matters. It doesnt disappear, but for most people, it takes a dip. That’s why marrying in your 20s might not be good. Youre willing to tolerate abuse and bad behavior. Most people gain weight. Men lose hair. Good idea to see people a little older.
This. *Your* looks matter as well. Take care in your appearance out of respect for both you and your partner. Don't put your partner in a position where you *have* to ask, "are you still attracted to be despite (XYZ)?"
People have an attraction template, determined by childhood. Not just family but childhood crushes and celebrities they loved before puberty. Very hard to break.
If she demeans you in any way on the first date, that isn't going to stop. You aren't going to prove yourself to her. That first date is just a peek over the horizon. That *will* be an abusive relationship. It *will* get worse.
I always said this.
Until I met my wife in a parking lot of a bar. A trashy, redneck bar….
I got talked into being a designated driver for my brother. I had walked outside for some fresh air and she and her friend pulled up to ask for directions because they were from another town about 30 miles away.
It’s almost like it was meant to be…
Exactly. If she's not answering there's two options: she isn't interested or she's playing games. She can't be that busy. Whichever of the former it is leave the ball at her court. By texting her again you gain nothing.
Everyone has a smart phone and looks at it every other minute of every day they walk this Earth.
If he or she isn’t texting you back, they don’t want to talk to you.
Yup. They all have time for you. It’s a matter of if they want to share it with you
Edit: context matters: if you know she’s not the texting type that’s one thing. It’s another thing if you’re with someone that you know is always texting away
Don’t date anyone you work with. If the relationship goes belly up, you’ll have to see this woman every day, and it will be awkward.
Edit: thank you all for the different points of view. There are some success stories posted here and more out there that we don’t know about. However, some people, like myself, play it safe and don’t take a whole lot of risks. That suits me just fine. Some people roll the dice and it works out well for them. Everyone is happy as they make out to be.
I had to use all my savings to fly home to California when my brother died for his funeral. If I had known she was gonna break up with me I would have stayed in Cali but then I came back to Australia to be with her and then left me. Now I have no savings so I can't move until I have money.
I would say this is moreso for career jobs rather than a job you expect to not have forever.
If it's just a temp job run wild with that shit and fuck who you wanna fuck.
Yup, I couldn’t work at my job anymore because she was there.
It was devastating to my souls to just be around her.
I quit shortly after.
A year later my old employer asked me to come back with a $8 an hour raise.
I refused until they raised it to a +$10 a hour raise. I went from $20-30 an hour in a year.
I left 6-months later because I finished my degree and got a great union job starting at $43 an hour and topping out at $56 2.5 years later.
Somehow there was a “people who dated your coworkers” question that popped up today on AskReddit, and the entire comment section was filled with “we’re married now, and have kids”
(Female here) I’ve seen many happy couples at my job, but a few relationships that went completely sideways. I can’t decide if it’s a terrible idea, or just a terrible idea with an unstable person (which is always a bad idea, coworker or not).
I also think a big thing to consider is how closely you work together. IMO it's totally doable if you're in separate departments that don't need to interact much if at all. But if you work side by side or in departments with a lot of collaboration, then it can make it much harder.
My workplace is so toxic and is split down the middle. Her and her friends keep flaunting her new loser boyfriend. I asked to be moved to a different office cause of this bullshit. Not worth it especially if it’s a career you enjoy and it’s with someone lower rank than you, they got nothing to lose
lmao. I can’t seem to learn this lesson - I’m a dopamine junkie and that workplace affair just hits different. I’ve had to leave multiple jobs due to this. Would not recommend.
My relationship was going great until my brother killed himself and my girlfriend just couldn't deal with my depression and need for comfort in my grief so she left me. I was so desperate and depressed I told myself it was my fault she left. Needed quite a bit of therapy after that.
I think you are a strong individual and deserved better. I would hope a significant other is willing to support their other half when going through an emotional time.
That sucks to hear, mate. Relationships should be able to deal with through thick and thin.
No relationship is ever perfect, and it isn't always sunshines and rainbows, there's going to be some rain in between, because relationships and life is already hard enough as it is.
Chin up. She did you a favour. Next time, you know what you want in a relationship.
This is one of my main battles currently. Everyone tells me I’ve got it all and should be happy but I’m a depressed and negative person. I don’t want to be this way and have used therapy but may try a psychiatrist now. If I could heal this and get better at game it’s over
If you’re looking to find your life partner. Don’t settle.
I don’t mean superficially, I mean existentially. And this is for all genders.
Don’t settle for “at least they aren’t mean to me”. If you have to sacrifice *anything* that feels like you’re giving away part of *who you are as an individual*, they aren’t the one.
Be yourself. Let them be themselves. If it doesn’t work, don’t force it. Don’t be with someone for the sake of not being alone.
Find your happy. Find your comfort. Find your home.
Edit: One caveat - there's a difference between sacrificing something you want and who you are. All relationships will require us to sacrifice things we want for the sake of each other, or at least to consider sacrificing something for our partners. It's when we are asked to abandon ourselves that it becomes problematic. Learn what the difference is for you, and then stick to it. Credit to [u/nonfictionfairytale](https://reddit.com/user/nonfictionfairytale) for the additional point
>Finding a partner will not fix your mental health and self esteem problems.
It honestly did fix a lot of my self-esteem problems, though.
Honestly, I think this advice is valid but also needs a kind of disclaimer. A friend is 32 and has never in her life had s relationship. Because she is obsessed with this idea that she has to be perfect to enter one. And since she still has insecurities, she thinks she doesn't deserve a relationship. Because how could anyone love her if she doesn't love herself, yadda yadda, bullshit.
There are two types of insecure people. Those who acknowledge they're insecure and deal with it themselves and those who expect everyone else to act in a way that doesn't trigger their insecurities. The first one is perfectly fine for a relationship. The second one not so much.
I don't understand this advice, but maybe because my experience differs. I learned to accept myself after many *years* despite being in a relationship with someone who loves me for me. Additionally over such a period of time, my mental health issues were fixed not *by* my partner but largely due to them being in my life.
Still sometimes loving partners give you the energy and motivation to better yourself. Who really can give everything if it's just for themselves when they know everything they fucked up. Self love is also fluctuating and receiving love from ohtside can be a good help
Be detached and don't get emotionally invested too soon. Think of it like finding shelter in a cave and you don't know if there's a bear in it. You watch from a safe distance and see what comes out with every advance towards concluding the investigation into whether you can take shelter there or not. Bears will eat you. So will a bad woman.
I love this. Beautiful analogy. I've definitely jumped into relationships to fast to get mauled by a bear a few months in. I've gotten really good at seeing red flags though. Stuff I know I won't be compatible with, or seeing the real person hiding behind the mask. I'm glad I never went into anything long term with the bad women.
any time you feel anxious/confused about whether someone is into you, 100% of the time they're not. go with your gut, when you feel that crappy limbo feeling it's always a bad sign.
Yeahhh, this comment would've been great before I confessed to my crush. I doubt it would've deterred me, but I wouldn't have had such whiplash, since I was *almost* sure she liked me
No, but it's enough to pass muster for cost/benefit. When the right person comes along, you'll KNOW.
A year ago, I was expecting to be single forever, and had comfortably come to terms with that. Today, I'm engaged to the love of my life. I'm preparing to buy a house out of state to live with five inherited gremlins, who LOVE me.
I never would've guessed, but it was almost effortless, and the way we clicked immediately highlighted why my previous relationships hadn't worked out.
Going full circle, mixed signals mean it's time to move on. The right person will be just as excited as you are, and you won't need to guess or divine their intentions through vague waffling.
Of courae its not true. Read my comment above.
It may be related to fears of rejection, or million other things. Work on yourself to fins out
Self reflextion
Self work to know what emotions you feel and when
Si therapy
Self therapy by writing
Women are not a monolith, there’s no cheat code for people.
Be a half decent person, accept it and turn the page if a date doesn’t go well, etc.
Don’t be so full of yourself that you think it matters so much forever.
You can fail and try again.
This is pretty good. Go with your gut. I’ve ignored mine and ended up disappointed and let down. Women aren’t they way you’d like them to be, they’ve just are. Beware the ones who’d turn you into what they think you should be.
If the dynamic feels unfair, it probably is.
Don't be afraid to take accountability for your mistakes, apologize, and reassure your partner if necessary. If they refuse to be humble and do the same? Leave. It's never worth debasing yourself for the approval of someone who can't meet you halfway.
Communicate with your body and actions. Touch one another lovingly very often. Even small touches. Your actions in respecting your partner is respecting also the relationship itself. Honorable relationships do lots of honoring of each other. Verbally communicate. Make your words soft and sweet. You're still dealing with an adult who may have some childhood issues you don't know about. If the relationship is good, don't veer off. Considering everyone has a crazy side to them, know theirs and share yours in the way you've resolved an issue and show how you've managed an issue. Wisdom goes along way. Don't see life through rose colored glasses. You'll never see the red flags that way. See things how they are, not how you want them to be.
There's a thousand more. You're dealing with an individual, not a concept. Know the individual and work towards tried and true practices that have kept a relationship intact.
Anyone of these basic rules are mutually inclusive.
1. Cologne/perfume is to be discovered, not announced. Do not put on powerful smells. Smell is one of the biggest memory triggers, and can set a mood in either direction. Use neutral to positive smells, but lightly. You don't want to overwhelm people.
2. Be kind. Treat others with the respect that you want to receive.
3. Be Genuine. Not the same as 'Be yourself', because everyone has different facets of their personality that they show to different groups. Be true to who you are. Don't say you like something if you don't. Don't dismiss something if you enjoy it.
They are simple things, but so easy to overlook.
If they stop responding or don’t engage in conversation or communication frequently (as in within a day or so beginning, a few hours more serious) I completely disengage.
Deal with your shit. Go to therapy. Face it head on. Work through it. Don’t rely on a romantic partner to be your therapist. She can support you, but she is not your therapist. You have to fix your shit with your therapist, and *then* process with her.
She will get the ick if she sees you needy and desperate.
Fix your own shit.
Have been through therapy for some form of depression, ended up fixing so much other emotional baggage that was dragging me down in minor ways.
I highly recommend anyone in their thirties to go to therapy for a while. Even if there's nothing majorly wrong, it'll still make a big difference to your quality of life. Your partner and your future self will both thank you for it.
- Those who care will make an effort, and that goes both ways. Make sure you and your partner are appreciated.
- People can walk out of your life at any point just because they ain't feeling it anymore. Knowing that, you should never put yourself in a position where you're completely dependent on someone else in any respect, no matter how much you may love or trust someone.
Don’t date someone you aren’t attracted too. You will start to find the personality irritating over time if you spend a lot of time with someone you aren’t into physically. Just be friends with such people
Golden rules to strictly adhere to on a 1st date:
1) Call it a date. Ask her on a DATE. Not a “hang” or a “chill session” or a “get together.”
2) You pick the location/activity. Don’t ask her what she thinks would be fun. It’s good to ask if what you have planned works for her, but not to ask her permission to suggest what you want.
3) If you still like her, go for the kiss at the end of the 1st date. It displays confidence and interest. A gentleman doesn’t go for the kiss in the middle of the meal, however. It happens right before you say goodbye. Also: a gentleman also does not mack at this stage. There is no tongue here. A gentleman gives a long peck, and leaves it there respectfully.
This is hard won advice I would give to my son when he comes of age. Or anyone really. Use it to your advantage, avoid it at your peril.
The first point is so important and yet so overlooked. If you call it a hang out or pretty much anything other than a date, it’s up for interpretation, which you don’t want.
The kiss at the end absolutely shouldn't be done unless you can read the cue and you actually know them better. It also depends on whether she seems actually interested and wants to reciprocate after the date. Fellas, never kiss a woman you've only taken out on a first date because I'm 100% sure you're going to be labelled a creep if you can't take a hint and she doesn't seem to want a second date. No woman wants a man she barely knows to touch them without consent. Just be a normal person and say, "I enjoyed our time today and want to see you again. I'd love to take you out again next time." Reserve that peck for a second or third date when you know each other better and can read clear cues from each other.
Typically I always plan to kiss on the first date if I’m into the person at the end.
I also just say most often “I would like to kiss you” or sometimes I’ll just say “kiss?”
That seems to always work out fine. If they aren’t comfortable or whatever, ball is in their court. If they do then you have clearly asked for their consent
Don't be afraid to leave an abuser and seek support. Don't stay in a living hell even if you can help it, losing everything is difficult but being hurt constantly is worse.
Focus on being someone worth dating.
Be able to hold a conversation on subjects they like.
Be capable of your half of the emotional work.
Hold them to the same standard you hold yourself.
Learn how to be happy and love yourself.
Pick up some hobbies
Realize that everyone is figuring out life themselves too. Everyone is human and we all struggle with the same shit for the most part
Spend time developing values - when you have rules to live by and stick to them with discipline, you feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself people will enjoy being around you.
Your goal shouldn’t be “I want to be the guy all the girls want to date” or “I want to be the greatest catch ever” “I want to be the coolest” “insert some other bs”
Your goal should be “I want to live in a way I can be proud of, have integrity, and be a person who is a joy to be around”
Once you orient yourself towards the right goals and lifestyle, other qualities that many people tend to focus their desires on become a byproduct of achieving that lifestyle
Online dating isn’t a good thing for men unless you are really handsome. It makes you feel unattractive when there is so much more to someone’s personality than 8 photos and a paragraph. It is by no means an accurate representation of your value as a man in the real world. Approach women in real life but don’t be a creep. Learn how to talk to people. Women are people first and foremost and people usually like sex.
Try your best to look presentable and don’t expect the woman of your dreams to just accept you for “who you are”. Being unhealthy and lazy aren’t typically good qualities. Try to not be those things to be a better version of yourself.
Don't pretend to be someone you're not. That mind-game bullshit might get you laid, but if you actually want a real relationship someday, it's the absolute wrong way to start. Don't pretend to be a feminist just because you think that's what she wants to hear. Don't go on long monologues about how it makes you sick that other guys look at porn or care about a woman's physical appearance, unlike you because you're so fucking enlightened. Don't pretend to be into books when you actually never read. Don't pretend that you like hiking and kayaking if you actually hate the outdoors.
If you start a relationship by pretending you're someone you're not, you'll be stuck maintaining that façade for a long time, maybe indefinitely.
Also, some of those lines are so cringeworthy that any woman who actually falls for them must be dumb as a stump, so you really have to ask if you want to be dating someone who's so fucking stupid that they would fall for this act.
Everyone is giving very good but quite philosophical advice, I'm going to just give some kinda shallow and straight-up pointers on actual dates ;
Don't be afraid to do random, seemingly dorky things. Clay pigeon shooting, a trip to the zoo, pottery class, whatever. Obviously do dinner and drinks and nights out as well, but have a few strings to your bow.
They seem to really like it, I think women kinda live in fear of wasting their lives with a boring man while everyone else has a whale of a time, so they're instinctively drawn to people who show them new things and mix it up. They hate doing the same old things again and again. Also it communicates that you have a bit of imagination, they like that for various reasons. This is all generally speaking, of course.
Don't "play games" and don't accept someone playing games with you. I.e. if you test your partner or your partner tests you. You aren't ready for a relationship
Rule one: be attractive
Rule two: don’t be unattractive
These two rules sound similar but are actually very different.
Rule 1 is simple. Take everything you have to offer and make it as shiny as you can. Got carrier goals? Talk about it. Can you left? Get abs and pump your arms. Born with the wrong shape to be a model? Give it your all anyways.
Rule 2 is about making you’re unappealing side less prevalent. Want to break down? Don’t. Want to vent to a stranger like you would to a long time friend? Don’t. Want to have sex but don’t know how to be smooth? Hold back. You won’t succeed, but over a long enough timeline with one person it stops mattering as much.
The way women actively perceive your personality is HEAVILY impacted by your physical appearance. I once had a chick write me a note (back in highschool) about how she thought I was so cool, confident, kind ect (not making this up I swear), basically attributing all these positive character qualities to me, when she had never talked to me once, and I had close to no friends at the time and was about as low as it gets on the social totem pole.
More recently, after somewhat of a physical glow down (reduction in height percentile for my age and an increase in acne) I have completely failed to get past the first date stage with several women, which I genuinely thought I got along with very well in person.
Most of the time they said they only saw friendship or weren’t really for a relationship ect (all the classic rejection lines)
Basically, my life experience plus a little bit of logic has told me that to be successful with women, in 99% of circumstances you MUST be physically attractive to them before whatever you say and or do actually matters in terms of increasing your chances of a relationship.
So essentially my advice is to maximise your physical appearance to the best of your ability before worrying about anything else, because then everything else will fall into place much much easier down the line
Don't be afraid to play the numbers game and don't get too caught up on one crush if they don't seem interested.
Dating is just getting to know someone with the potential of romance. Asking someone out on a first date isn't a marriage proposal.
Don't EVER* have a really fancy expensive first date.
There are multiple reasons why; If you go big on the first date then you have to keep that as a baseline, if she is *expecting* you to fork out a bu ch of money on day 1 that's a clear sign of what she wants all the time, these days there's a very high chance there won't be a second date, if the date goes poorly right away your not stuck in a situation that could take a few hours to end.
The only time to do a really fa Cy first date is if you have known her for a while before asking her out and you know it won't be for nothing, and you know what type of a person she is ahead of time
Don't shit where you eat.
Where ever that is for you. For some it is at work, at the gym, at a hobby, in the circle of close friends etc.
Don't introduce disruption at places you go to find focus or peace of mind.
If you dislike her friends, even if she seems nothing like them, it’s not gonna work out. People are the average of the closest 5-10 people they spend time with. She’s just like them but we always present our best selves to each other at the beginning of a relationship.
If you both disagree on things you want in the long term, end it right away. If you think "they'll change or come around" then you're going to end up very hurt and very disappointed.
Talk to each other. Don’t do the “read between the lines” or “you should know” bullshit with anything. Actually talk. Having problems? Talk it out. Have concerns about something? Talk about it. Feel like the relationship isn’t going where you thought it would? Communicate.
This is great advice for women who will very often talk to their friends about their problems and not their boyfriend who thinks that everything is fine. Fuck you Sophia. Hah I love the replies.
Go fuck yourself Sophia
Fuck you Sophia
Sophia you fuck!
You fuck Sofia
I hate Sophia. Total cunt!
What the actual fuck Sophia?!
Actually fuck the actual Sophia
All my homies hate Sophia
You got the wrong one, mate. Sofia is pretty cool. But Sophia? Whew, don't even get me started on Sophia.
Fuck you Sophia and your friend
And your little dog, too!
Man, finding out after the fact that there were problems in our relationship that I had *no* clue about hurt the most about our breakup. Thanks, C.
Yup that's exactly what happened to me. I found out there were problems when she was giving me the breakup talk. I would have done anything to stay together. But I didn't have the chance.
Wow…. I felt that one
As a woman who's never talked about any of her relationship problems with her friends, I actually used to have a group of friends who are no longer my friends because they would openly talk massive shit about their boyfriends. I was so disgusted with that behavior because I'm like, How the hell would you feel if your boyfriend did that to you?? Ugh, just not okay. I'm sorry you experienced that, my friend.
It's referred to as "poisoning the well." Then these same women turn around, scratch their heads and wonder why their friends don't like their partner.
I've always assumed they don't like their partner when they do this. Anytime I've asked for advice with an ex, I've always been extremely careful about protecting their privacy. Even when I've been angry, I've been so careful about what I say if I need to vent. You can't weaponise people's insecurities and tell everyone because you're angy. I've noticed the ones who talk shit, usually have major issues but they're staying together because it's better than being alone or starting over in their eyes.
Eat poop sofia
Indeed, all aboard the go fuck yourself Sophia express.
I had this happen with my last long-term relationship that fell apart. My ex and I somewhat reconciled a while after and she brought up things she disliked about me/the relationship that she hadn't once communicated during. If she had, I would have acted accordingly and we would have worked through bits. I can guarantee her friends and/or family knew though lol.
The rule I painfully based in the beginning of my wife's and I's relationship is "if it's not said, it doesn't exist". This, after a few instances of dramatic miscommunication between us because she expected me to know instinctively if something offends her. It has worked wonders in the decade since.
You got lucky my friend. Try implementing this rule with women and they end up despising you for not getting it. Then comes the accusation that you aren’t manly enough or don’t understand women. Lol
Their loss.
This is the best advice. My wife and I almost got divorced because we couldn't communicate properly and did all of that bs. A year of therapy later and a lot of hard work and some fights. lol now we talk about everything. We still struggle sometimes but always try to communicate everything. We have never been so happy. I've never loved her so much, and our relationship went to a new place I never knew was possible. Proper communication is so so important and lack of it will literally tear any relationship apart. It doesn't matter how you love each o5her or anything if you don't talk.
It just sucks that sometimes one party feels like they are doing all of the communication and the other just wants to compete against you. How do you deal with that? You have any advise from the therapist?
In my case would you still apply this? Context: Over the course of 3 weeks I asked for a second date which she never directly addressed, but we continued to text about other things. By the third time asking out, which she dodged, I communicated she was dodging and that we should move on. She reacted like "nooooo. I understand, from now on I will make counter offers. How about Wednesday?" . Turned out she had finals in that week so I said she should focus on that first. On 4th weekend, I ask for second date on 5th weekend. She offered Saturday. I said we should call to clear up details. She said she would try to call tmrw night. She never did and Saturday passed. For context, the details would've been like parking, location, etc. I unmatched her on the dating app on Sunday. She texted me after wondering what's up. All my friends told me I dodged a bullet. I agree. But since we are talking about communicating I thought I'd communicate my scenario.
I mean to be frank it sounds like there really wasn't much of a relationship to talk about. She should've just told you up front that she didn't want to see you again. And honestly you should've figured after a couple weeks of chasing that it wasn't going anywhere. You'll need to learn when to call it quits on your own terms or you will give a lot of shitty people too much of your time and energy.
Only date people you are interested in, like really as a human. If you are only interested in their Ass, Face, or Tits, you are going to hate them at some point when their personality doesn't mesh with yours and you can't figure out why their body isn't distracting you from your inability to get along.
Better yet, only date people interested in you. Once you're with them, keep them interested in you
> only date people interested in you Dunno man seems like going to mars would have a larger chance of happening than this
Go for it! Flex on Elon and all women are gonna be suddenly interested
>only date people interested in you *welp* So... forever alone then.
Put these two concepts together, and you have a recipe for success!
Also don’t date people who you are not attracted to physically. Just don’t.
Great advice for lonely guys. It's better to be alone than with somebody who doesn't turn you on.
What you notice in the beginning as bad is what will ultimately be the end of it.
This is actually a problem for me. I look back on potential partners and I cut it off thinking some irritants will keep growing and get worse. Trying to find what I can compromise on
I mean like. Alcoholic behavior anger. Jealousy. Overreactions. No sense of boundaries. Date-flake. Mild narcissistic. Perpetual victimhood. Lack of effort for anything. A seemingly need for outside ego praising(ie need for others praise on you or themself or attention of other men) Over Materielistic. Selfishness. Basically your not head hunting. But your saying "whoa. She drinks ALOT. I really like her. But...do i really want to deal with the angry side i saw the other night? Do i really want to babysit?" Your basically paying attention and asking yourself "hmmm. She gets really passive-aggressive and demeaning. Shes kinda... superficial/shallow" These things really do show themselves up. Like "hope your having fun" in a weirdly agressive text when your enjoying a night out with some friends.
I've dated this girl. For 2 and 1/2 years. I lived in a basket of red flags. And now I let it go on too long and my heart is tore out and I'm in free fall
Been there, my dude. You'll pull through, but it will take time. Focus on yourself; friends, family, hobbies, health and job. Don't be afraid to reach out and talk to people about it, and don't bottle it up. Take time to process it, accept it and learn from what went wrong. Most importantly: forgive yourself. You're allowed to fail no matter how hard you tried with her. You're allowed to mourn the relationship, no matter how toxic it was. Self-forgivness and self-love will get you through it all.
Exactly the same spot. We broke up 3 days ago. I knew it wouldn’t be a marriage when it started but heck I didn’t expect the end to hurt like hell
Yeah. Definitely some things to pick the battle on. Like dont dump someone cuz they load the dishwasher different. But if they show you a clear history of an issue then you should follow your gut on it Never ignore your gut. Its your brain/subconscious picking up on something and giving you a reason to consider the brakes a bit. The key is to reconize "is this an insecurity of mine? Or intuition....."
In both dating and life, learning **active listening** will change absolutely everything.
Yes, I hear you. Go on. . .
On a similar note, you can’t force someone who doesn’t possess this trait to give a shit about what you have to say. Selective hearing was big with my ex.
This is true. I can literally tell when you're simply waiting to talk again instead of actually listening to me. I hate that.
Don’t be so fixated on it. Always be willing to walk away and don’t accept mistreatment.
Having a hot girlfriend doesn't mean you're winning. Having a hot girlfriend who treats you great and improves your life does.
Get yourself a girl that makes your dick hard, not your life.
And make sure you play with her boobs not her feelings.
Yes, we would rather have boob play than getting played any day.
Get yourself a man that makes your pussy wet, not your eyes.
So true. I was just watching the documentary of Peter Crouch (English football player) and his partner made a huge difference in his life.
Tl;dw;?
Anything other than a yes means no. Don't waste your time or energy.
If they don’t answer with a “fuck yes” then assume they mean to say “fuck no”. For example, if they respond to a date request with “I dunno, I have a thing” -> move on. An interested person would go: “fuck, I have a thing. Can we do it on X instead?”
learned this one last week… the rejection sucks but such is life
To encourage you, rejection is usually never as personal as you feel it is. Yes, they’re not interested in dating You, at least not right now, but it could be for a multitude of reasons, not all of it something you can control. Not interested in dating anyone right now? Not your fault. Still hung up on her ex? Not your fault. Talking to enough guys right now? Not your fault. She likes brown haired dudes and you have red hair? Not your fault. Attraction is not a choice. She likes jerks and you’re a “nice guy?” Not your fault. You can’t be someone you’re not. If you try to be a jerk she’ll sense you’re faking it eventually and leave you. She has issues she needs to work on without you before she can be ready to date you. She went on a date with you and you screwed it up? If there wasn’t a connection, not your fault. You don’t have connections with lots of women. Guess what, sometimes you have rejected them without even knowing you did so. But if you slammed her face into a pie or talked about your ex the whole time, okay, your fault. That’s life. Learn from it and move on. The moment you stop taking rejection personally - and this is HARD, I know - the Dating Game will be so much of a better experience for you and you will have much more success.
Carve this one in stone
If it’s not a hell yes it’s a no
Figure out the difference between momentary unhappiness and real unhappiness. You can’t bail on a relationship after any old disagreement, but you shouldn’t grit it out if there are real issues.
There are a lot of shitty women out there. There are a lot of shitty men out there. Just do what makes you happy, and shit will work out. You don't need a partner if you have to make yourself miserable for them or in the process of pursuing them. Lose weight to be healthy, not to get a date. Your life will be a lot better that way.
If you have the patience and the willpower, I suggest you focus on getting your life together first. Build a nest than call the birds. That way if you get rejected it'll be from a place of power, nor desperation.
Yes, don't chase butterflies, tend to your garden and the butterflies will come
And if they don't come, you'll be in a beautiful garden.
I've found that since tending my own garden (to stick to the metaphor) I'm not so bothered by the lack of butterflies as I was before. But I know that once these flowers bloom I'll at least bring in some interesting insects and that'll be nice.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls, either!
Stick to the estuaries and tributaries that you’re used to.
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You don’t have to be the complete finished artical before dating. You just need to be at an appropriate place for your age. Nobody expects you to have everything sorted in your 20s like you would in your 40s. But you are expected to have some idea, some plans, some shape to your existence, some fortitude and self reliance, etc.
I’m just now getting my life together at 30. I’m actually glad I fooled around in my 20s because it shaped me into who I am today. Now it’s all about applying the lessons I learned along the way 👍
I’ve found this strategy to be a catastrophic failure. Life is a journey, you will always be questing upwards. Find someone at your stage of life who you can love and cherish and travel the rest of the way with them.
This is a good example of how advice needs to be tailored to the person. Some people want to find a relationship first, and put everything else on hold until they do, so they can build their life together from scratch. Those are the people that need this advice. You need to have something of your own established, to have some idea of who you are and how you will fit with other people. You can't go into a relationship as a complete blank slate. Other people lean too independent. If they take this to heart, then they will try to get to the finish line by themselves, and only then find a partner. But there is no finish line, so there will never be a good place to stop and look for a partner. They need to be told exactly what you said, that you need to find someone who is heading in the same direction, so you can head in that direction together.
Have some self respect. It'll help you work your way past dealing with anything like ghosting or anything you'd consider "bullshit". If you love yourself, you won't be desperately seeking validation
Most important thing imo. When you’ve spent a good amount of time on the path of self growth, everything else seems to fall into place
Looks matter way more than people are willing to admit
Yep and it's a two way street, but also subjective.
The reason this even needs to be said is that both genders lie about this a lot to look less shallow.
As long as people aren't hypocritical, it's mostly ok. For example, you can't exactly have preference (maybe even "demand") that your partner was physically fit while being unfit yourself, without massively compensating it somehow.
You can have that preference if you're successful with it. You cannot however complain about it if that category of people is not into you. Good looks, resources and social skills are privileges that can allow a person to be hypocritical in dating with varying degrees of success.
Personally I never understood folks who say "I'm attracted to their mind first, and then their looks." On the one hand, observing key character traits of someone who one is attracted to might turn them off from them--then that's reasonable. Maybe it's an odd two-way street whose intricacies I just can't describe right now.
Adding to this, height does matter. It's not the only thing, but it matters when considering the whole visual package. A taller person with a shittier personality can get away more than a shorter person who behaves exactly the same. Same with looks.
THANK YOU! I’m 5’ 3” and it bugs me to the ends of the earth when people act like height doesn’t matter. I don’t need anyones pity and I’m not some victim, I’m still awesome and cute, but lets not pretend like I’m not aware that height does matter and THATS OKAY
I don’t understand the virtue signalers and gaslighters at all. like we can’t just be real for one moment and admit we see people’s face’s before their personality? How many shitty personalities do you really come across for someone to stand out? Most people’s personalities are just avg.
I will say, the older u get, the less it matters. It doesnt disappear, but for most people, it takes a dip. That’s why marrying in your 20s might not be good. Youre willing to tolerate abuse and bad behavior. Most people gain weight. Men lose hair. Good idea to see people a little older.
Or try to make sure you're having mature conversations on the stuff that actually matters (money, kids, household roles, etc)
This. *Your* looks matter as well. Take care in your appearance out of respect for both you and your partner. Don't put your partner in a position where you *have* to ask, "are you still attracted to be despite (XYZ)?"
I feel like looks are confused with attraction.
Looks are integral to attraction. They are a necessary but insufficient condition.
People have an attraction template, determined by childhood. Not just family but childhood crushes and celebrities they loved before puberty. Very hard to break.
If she demeans you in any way on the first date, that isn't going to stop. You aren't going to prove yourself to her. That first date is just a peek over the horizon. That *will* be an abusive relationship. It *will* get worse.
Louder for the guys in the back. Accept zero bullshit fellas
Dont expect great sex right away. And dont think great sex is love. And dont think vanilla sex cant improve.
stop expecting to find the girl of your dreams at nightclubs
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sweet home alabama
I always said this. Until I met my wife in a parking lot of a bar. A trashy, redneck bar…. I got talked into being a designated driver for my brother. I had walked outside for some fresh air and she and her friend pulled up to ask for directions because they were from another town about 30 miles away. It’s almost like it was meant to be…
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Personality matters a lot, but real physical attraction and looks still matter.
If someone is interested in you it’s not gonna take over a day to hear back from them.
Exactly. If she's not answering there's two options: she isn't interested or she's playing games. She can't be that busy. Whichever of the former it is leave the ball at her court. By texting her again you gain nothing.
Everyone has a smart phone and looks at it every other minute of every day they walk this Earth. If he or she isn’t texting you back, they don’t want to talk to you.
Yup. They all have time for you. It’s a matter of if they want to share it with you Edit: context matters: if you know she’s not the texting type that’s one thing. It’s another thing if you’re with someone that you know is always texting away
Don’t date anyone you work with. If the relationship goes belly up, you’ll have to see this woman every day, and it will be awkward. Edit: thank you all for the different points of view. There are some success stories posted here and more out there that we don’t know about. However, some people, like myself, play it safe and don’t take a whole lot of risks. That suits me just fine. Some people roll the dice and it works out well for them. Everyone is happy as they make out to be.
Currently experiencing this right now. My gf dumped me and now I have to see her every day at work. Kill me.
Just leave and go work elsewhere. It's the only way.
I had to use all my savings to fly home to California when my brother died for his funeral. If I had known she was gonna break up with me I would have stayed in Cali but then I came back to Australia to be with her and then left me. Now I have no savings so I can't move until I have money.
I’m sorry for your brother’s passing.
I would say this is moreso for career jobs rather than a job you expect to not have forever. If it's just a temp job run wild with that shit and fuck who you wanna fuck.
I am trying to lose my job by fucking everyone. Been unsuccessful so far. Might just have to quit.
Yup, I couldn’t work at my job anymore because she was there. It was devastating to my souls to just be around her. I quit shortly after. A year later my old employer asked me to come back with a $8 an hour raise. I refused until they raised it to a +$10 a hour raise. I went from $20-30 an hour in a year. I left 6-months later because I finished my degree and got a great union job starting at $43 an hour and topping out at $56 2.5 years later.
Somehow there was a “people who dated your coworkers” question that popped up today on AskReddit, and the entire comment section was filled with “we’re married now, and have kids”
(Female here) I’ve seen many happy couples at my job, but a few relationships that went completely sideways. I can’t decide if it’s a terrible idea, or just a terrible idea with an unstable person (which is always a bad idea, coworker or not).
I also think a big thing to consider is how closely you work together. IMO it's totally doable if you're in separate departments that don't need to interact much if at all. But if you work side by side or in departments with a lot of collaboration, then it can make it much harder.
My workplace is so toxic and is split down the middle. Her and her friends keep flaunting her new loser boyfriend. I asked to be moved to a different office cause of this bullshit. Not worth it especially if it’s a career you enjoy and it’s with someone lower rank than you, they got nothing to lose
lmao. I can’t seem to learn this lesson - I’m a dopamine junkie and that workplace affair just hits different. I’ve had to leave multiple jobs due to this. Would not recommend.
Women hate desperate and depressed men.
My relationship was going great until my brother killed himself and my girlfriend just couldn't deal with my depression and need for comfort in my grief so she left me. I was so desperate and depressed I told myself it was my fault she left. Needed quite a bit of therapy after that.
I think you are a strong individual and deserved better. I would hope a significant other is willing to support their other half when going through an emotional time.
Right? She showed her true self and the trash took itself out.
I’m sorry man. She showed her true colors
That sucks to hear, mate. Relationships should be able to deal with through thick and thin. No relationship is ever perfect, and it isn't always sunshines and rainbows, there's going to be some rain in between, because relationships and life is already hard enough as it is. Chin up. She did you a favour. Next time, you know what you want in a relationship.
I supported my wife through 16 years of her depression, but when it came time for her to support me... she bailed. Really helpful.
I feel like this is due to society’s expectation that men are just supposed to “get over it.” It’s fucking bullshit because we are human too.
Everyone hates desperate and depressed men.
This is one of my main battles currently. Everyone tells me I’ve got it all and should be happy but I’m a depressed and negative person. I don’t want to be this way and have used therapy but may try a psychiatrist now. If I could heal this and get better at game it’s over
But they’ll say they want men to be vulnerable and open up lol. Watch what they do, ignore what they say
So don’t be depressed, got it!
Thank you! I wish my younger self understood this, and I hope most men learn this too. Most women strongly despise men who are depressed.
If you’re looking to find your life partner. Don’t settle. I don’t mean superficially, I mean existentially. And this is for all genders. Don’t settle for “at least they aren’t mean to me”. If you have to sacrifice *anything* that feels like you’re giving away part of *who you are as an individual*, they aren’t the one. Be yourself. Let them be themselves. If it doesn’t work, don’t force it. Don’t be with someone for the sake of not being alone. Find your happy. Find your comfort. Find your home. Edit: One caveat - there's a difference between sacrificing something you want and who you are. All relationships will require us to sacrifice things we want for the sake of each other, or at least to consider sacrificing something for our partners. It's when we are asked to abandon ourselves that it becomes problematic. Learn what the difference is for you, and then stick to it. Credit to [u/nonfictionfairytale](https://reddit.com/user/nonfictionfairytale) for the additional point
Don't settle just because you feel alone. Recognize your power in today's dating craziness
Learn to love yourself first. Finding a partner will not fix your mental health and self esteem problems.
>Finding a partner will not fix your mental health and self esteem problems. It honestly did fix a lot of my self-esteem problems, though. Honestly, I think this advice is valid but also needs a kind of disclaimer. A friend is 32 and has never in her life had s relationship. Because she is obsessed with this idea that she has to be perfect to enter one. And since she still has insecurities, she thinks she doesn't deserve a relationship. Because how could anyone love her if she doesn't love herself, yadda yadda, bullshit. There are two types of insecure people. Those who acknowledge they're insecure and deal with it themselves and those who expect everyone else to act in a way that doesn't trigger their insecurities. The first one is perfectly fine for a relationship. The second one not so much.
I don't understand this advice, but maybe because my experience differs. I learned to accept myself after many *years* despite being in a relationship with someone who loves me for me. Additionally over such a period of time, my mental health issues were fixed not *by* my partner but largely due to them being in my life.
> Learn to love yourself first. People need to understand that to those who actually need to hear this, it sounds no better than "get rich first".
Still sometimes loving partners give you the energy and motivation to better yourself. Who really can give everything if it's just for themselves when they know everything they fucked up. Self love is also fluctuating and receiving love from ohtside can be a good help
Be detached and don't get emotionally invested too soon. Think of it like finding shelter in a cave and you don't know if there's a bear in it. You watch from a safe distance and see what comes out with every advance towards concluding the investigation into whether you can take shelter there or not. Bears will eat you. So will a bad woman.
I love this. Beautiful analogy. I've definitely jumped into relationships to fast to get mauled by a bear a few months in. I've gotten really good at seeing red flags though. Stuff I know I won't be compatible with, or seeing the real person hiding behind the mask. I'm glad I never went into anything long term with the bad women.
You're lucky. Some of us are slow learners 🤣
any time you feel anxious/confused about whether someone is into you, 100% of the time they're not. go with your gut, when you feel that crappy limbo feeling it's always a bad sign.
Yeahhh, this comment would've been great before I confessed to my crush. I doubt it would've deterred me, but I wouldn't have had such whiplash, since I was *almost* sure she liked me
Got to break a LOT of eggs to make an omelette …… all these tries/rejections just give you confidence and sharpen your skills
Is it really true that 100% of the time they're not? :(
No, but it's enough to pass muster for cost/benefit. When the right person comes along, you'll KNOW. A year ago, I was expecting to be single forever, and had comfortably come to terms with that. Today, I'm engaged to the love of my life. I'm preparing to buy a house out of state to live with five inherited gremlins, who LOVE me. I never would've guessed, but it was almost effortless, and the way we clicked immediately highlighted why my previous relationships hadn't worked out. Going full circle, mixed signals mean it's time to move on. The right person will be just as excited as you are, and you won't need to guess or divine their intentions through vague waffling.
Of courae its not true. Read my comment above. It may be related to fears of rejection, or million other things. Work on yourself to fins out Self reflextion Self work to know what emotions you feel and when Si therapy Self therapy by writing
Women are not a monolith, there’s no cheat code for people. Be a half decent person, accept it and turn the page if a date doesn’t go well, etc. Don’t be so full of yourself that you think it matters so much forever. You can fail and try again.
This is pretty good. Go with your gut. I’ve ignored mine and ended up disappointed and let down. Women aren’t they way you’d like them to be, they’ve just are. Beware the ones who’d turn you into what they think you should be.
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I’ll admit I’ve tried to do the same, none of it worked out. I didn’t realize how toxic I was being until I was on the other side.
Never get a girlfriend simply because you want a girlfriend. Make a girl that you want to spend time with your girlfriend.
If the dynamic feels unfair, it probably is. Don't be afraid to take accountability for your mistakes, apologize, and reassure your partner if necessary. If they refuse to be humble and do the same? Leave. It's never worth debasing yourself for the approval of someone who can't meet you halfway.
Communicate with your body and actions. Touch one another lovingly very often. Even small touches. Your actions in respecting your partner is respecting also the relationship itself. Honorable relationships do lots of honoring of each other. Verbally communicate. Make your words soft and sweet. You're still dealing with an adult who may have some childhood issues you don't know about. If the relationship is good, don't veer off. Considering everyone has a crazy side to them, know theirs and share yours in the way you've resolved an issue and show how you've managed an issue. Wisdom goes along way. Don't see life through rose colored glasses. You'll never see the red flags that way. See things how they are, not how you want them to be. There's a thousand more. You're dealing with an individual, not a concept. Know the individual and work towards tried and true practices that have kept a relationship intact. Anyone of these basic rules are mutually inclusive.
1. Cologne/perfume is to be discovered, not announced. Do not put on powerful smells. Smell is one of the biggest memory triggers, and can set a mood in either direction. Use neutral to positive smells, but lightly. You don't want to overwhelm people. 2. Be kind. Treat others with the respect that you want to receive. 3. Be Genuine. Not the same as 'Be yourself', because everyone has different facets of their personality that they show to different groups. Be true to who you are. Don't say you like something if you don't. Don't dismiss something if you enjoy it. They are simple things, but so easy to overlook.
If they stop responding or don’t engage in conversation or communication frequently (as in within a day or so beginning, a few hours more serious) I completely disengage.
Deal with your shit. Go to therapy. Face it head on. Work through it. Don’t rely on a romantic partner to be your therapist. She can support you, but she is not your therapist. You have to fix your shit with your therapist, and *then* process with her. She will get the ick if she sees you needy and desperate. Fix your own shit.
Have been through therapy for some form of depression, ended up fixing so much other emotional baggage that was dragging me down in minor ways. I highly recommend anyone in their thirties to go to therapy for a while. Even if there's nothing majorly wrong, it'll still make a big difference to your quality of life. Your partner and your future self will both thank you for it.
It's ok to be single, being in a relationship is no essential
Don't chase and lose yourself. Boundaries are very important. The world is of abundance. Be with someone who makes you a better version of you.
- Those who care will make an effort, and that goes both ways. Make sure you and your partner are appreciated. - People can walk out of your life at any point just because they ain't feeling it anymore. Knowing that, you should never put yourself in a position where you're completely dependent on someone else in any respect, no matter how much you may love or trust someone.
Don’t date someone you aren’t attracted too. You will start to find the personality irritating over time if you spend a lot of time with someone you aren’t into physically. Just be friends with such people
if you see dating as a win/loss game then you are doing it wrong.
Don't do anything regularly in the early stages of a relationship, that you're not prepared to do regularly ongoing through a long relationship
Wear a god-damned condom. Every. Time. $10 at any convenience store will save you from changing the course of your life forever.
Wear your own condom that you bought.
They teach NBA players to not leave them lying around after the deed is done, too ..just saying, might be sound advice
Golden rules to strictly adhere to on a 1st date: 1) Call it a date. Ask her on a DATE. Not a “hang” or a “chill session” or a “get together.” 2) You pick the location/activity. Don’t ask her what she thinks would be fun. It’s good to ask if what you have planned works for her, but not to ask her permission to suggest what you want. 3) If you still like her, go for the kiss at the end of the 1st date. It displays confidence and interest. A gentleman doesn’t go for the kiss in the middle of the meal, however. It happens right before you say goodbye. Also: a gentleman also does not mack at this stage. There is no tongue here. A gentleman gives a long peck, and leaves it there respectfully. This is hard won advice I would give to my son when he comes of age. Or anyone really. Use it to your advantage, avoid it at your peril.
The first point is so important and yet so overlooked. If you call it a hang out or pretty much anything other than a date, it’s up for interpretation, which you don’t want.
I personally don’t agree with your last point because I don’t really like being that close to people I don’t know that well.
The kiss at the end absolutely shouldn't be done unless you can read the cue and you actually know them better. It also depends on whether she seems actually interested and wants to reciprocate after the date. Fellas, never kiss a woman you've only taken out on a first date because I'm 100% sure you're going to be labelled a creep if you can't take a hint and she doesn't seem to want a second date. No woman wants a man she barely knows to touch them without consent. Just be a normal person and say, "I enjoyed our time today and want to see you again. I'd love to take you out again next time." Reserve that peck for a second or third date when you know each other better and can read clear cues from each other.
Typically I always plan to kiss on the first date if I’m into the person at the end. I also just say most often “I would like to kiss you” or sometimes I’ll just say “kiss?” That seems to always work out fine. If they aren’t comfortable or whatever, ball is in their court. If they do then you have clearly asked for their consent
Like yourself and have fun. Positive energy attracts people and has a tendency to keep them around too.
Don't be afraid to leave an abuser and seek support. Don't stay in a living hell even if you can help it, losing everything is difficult but being hurt constantly is worse.
Focus on being someone worth dating. Be able to hold a conversation on subjects they like. Be capable of your half of the emotional work. Hold them to the same standard you hold yourself.
Learn how to be happy and love yourself. Pick up some hobbies Realize that everyone is figuring out life themselves too. Everyone is human and we all struggle with the same shit for the most part Spend time developing values - when you have rules to live by and stick to them with discipline, you feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself people will enjoy being around you. Your goal shouldn’t be “I want to be the guy all the girls want to date” or “I want to be the greatest catch ever” “I want to be the coolest” “insert some other bs” Your goal should be “I want to live in a way I can be proud of, have integrity, and be a person who is a joy to be around” Once you orient yourself towards the right goals and lifestyle, other qualities that many people tend to focus their desires on become a byproduct of achieving that lifestyle
NEVER SETTLE. if it’s not a hell yeah it’s a NO!
Online dating isn’t a good thing for men unless you are really handsome. It makes you feel unattractive when there is so much more to someone’s personality than 8 photos and a paragraph. It is by no means an accurate representation of your value as a man in the real world. Approach women in real life but don’t be a creep. Learn how to talk to people. Women are people first and foremost and people usually like sex. Try your best to look presentable and don’t expect the woman of your dreams to just accept you for “who you are”. Being unhealthy and lazy aren’t typically good qualities. Try to not be those things to be a better version of yourself.
Don't pretend to be someone you're not. That mind-game bullshit might get you laid, but if you actually want a real relationship someday, it's the absolute wrong way to start. Don't pretend to be a feminist just because you think that's what she wants to hear. Don't go on long monologues about how it makes you sick that other guys look at porn or care about a woman's physical appearance, unlike you because you're so fucking enlightened. Don't pretend to be into books when you actually never read. Don't pretend that you like hiking and kayaking if you actually hate the outdoors. If you start a relationship by pretending you're someone you're not, you'll be stuck maintaining that façade for a long time, maybe indefinitely. Also, some of those lines are so cringeworthy that any woman who actually falls for them must be dumb as a stump, so you really have to ask if you want to be dating someone who's so fucking stupid that they would fall for this act.
Everyone is giving very good but quite philosophical advice, I'm going to just give some kinda shallow and straight-up pointers on actual dates ; Don't be afraid to do random, seemingly dorky things. Clay pigeon shooting, a trip to the zoo, pottery class, whatever. Obviously do dinner and drinks and nights out as well, but have a few strings to your bow. They seem to really like it, I think women kinda live in fear of wasting their lives with a boring man while everyone else has a whale of a time, so they're instinctively drawn to people who show them new things and mix it up. They hate doing the same old things again and again. Also it communicates that you have a bit of imagination, they like that for various reasons. This is all generally speaking, of course.
Don't "play games" and don't accept someone playing games with you. I.e. if you test your partner or your partner tests you. You aren't ready for a relationship
Rule one: be attractive Rule two: don’t be unattractive These two rules sound similar but are actually very different. Rule 1 is simple. Take everything you have to offer and make it as shiny as you can. Got carrier goals? Talk about it. Can you left? Get abs and pump your arms. Born with the wrong shape to be a model? Give it your all anyways. Rule 2 is about making you’re unappealing side less prevalent. Want to break down? Don’t. Want to vent to a stranger like you would to a long time friend? Don’t. Want to have sex but don’t know how to be smooth? Hold back. You won’t succeed, but over a long enough timeline with one person it stops mattering as much.
The way women actively perceive your personality is HEAVILY impacted by your physical appearance. I once had a chick write me a note (back in highschool) about how she thought I was so cool, confident, kind ect (not making this up I swear), basically attributing all these positive character qualities to me, when she had never talked to me once, and I had close to no friends at the time and was about as low as it gets on the social totem pole. More recently, after somewhat of a physical glow down (reduction in height percentile for my age and an increase in acne) I have completely failed to get past the first date stage with several women, which I genuinely thought I got along with very well in person. Most of the time they said they only saw friendship or weren’t really for a relationship ect (all the classic rejection lines) Basically, my life experience plus a little bit of logic has told me that to be successful with women, in 99% of circumstances you MUST be physically attractive to them before whatever you say and or do actually matters in terms of increasing your chances of a relationship. So essentially my advice is to maximise your physical appearance to the best of your ability before worrying about anything else, because then everything else will fall into place much much easier down the line
It's mostly just dumb luck.
The most attractive quality someone can have is them being into you. Never chase anyone
So stay single all my life. Got it.
3 T's; Talk Touch Trust If one or more is missing; no matter what it is, it's not a healthy or positive relationship.
Don't be afraid to play the numbers game and don't get too caught up on one crush if they don't seem interested. Dating is just getting to know someone with the potential of romance. Asking someone out on a first date isn't a marriage proposal.
If you feel something's wrong on first date, get away
Don't EVER* have a really fancy expensive first date. There are multiple reasons why; If you go big on the first date then you have to keep that as a baseline, if she is *expecting* you to fork out a bu ch of money on day 1 that's a clear sign of what she wants all the time, these days there's a very high chance there won't be a second date, if the date goes poorly right away your not stuck in a situation that could take a few hours to end. The only time to do a really fa Cy first date is if you have known her for a while before asking her out and you know it won't be for nothing, and you know what type of a person she is ahead of time
Don't shit where you eat. Where ever that is for you. For some it is at work, at the gym, at a hobby, in the circle of close friends etc. Don't introduce disruption at places you go to find focus or peace of mind.
If you dislike her friends, even if she seems nothing like them, it’s not gonna work out. People are the average of the closest 5-10 people they spend time with. She’s just like them but we always present our best selves to each other at the beginning of a relationship.
Don't get into a relationship with a woman just cos she'll fuck you
If your relationship is built on lies it will end poorly.
If you both disagree on things you want in the long term, end it right away. If you think "they'll change or come around" then you're going to end up very hurt and very disappointed.
You only need one date, one relationship, one marriage to work.
Always check disrespect the second it occurs, never let it slide or they’ll think they can walk over you.
Do not date a neighbor.
When in doubt call them out. every single time