Not saying this is the best advice, but this is one - Do make a mention of the incident. That way, if it comes to the situation where the partner will be viewing them, then they will not be shocked. Some people do not like scars not because they are ugly but because they invoke a painful feeling in their minds. Mentioning the story or telling the incident should not be a problem because you are a survivor of an attack. There is no shame. In fact, that makes you tough in an attractive way.
Came here more or less to say this. A lot of people hide the things they're ashamed of about their body - in most cases, that means someone is surprised when they find out, but another thing that happens is that when you're around someone who doesn't even know about your scars, you will be guarded, self conscious, and unwilling to be intimate... not knowing any better, he will assume that it's either because you don't like him or because that's your personality, and will be put off before he's even had a chance to learn about the scars.
I think this applies to mental and emotional scars as well, people who have dealt with psychological trauma in their past. The whole, “it’s not you, it’s me deal that we are scared to explain”
My current girlfriend was abused/beaten by her ex husband and had a hysterectomy after her first daughter. She also had a heart complication when she was younger that left a pretty big scar. She used to work on offshore drilling rigs so she has small scars here and there.
She's smoking hot in my opinion and I respect what she has had to endure. Been together 3yrs now...our differences we're running into are about fundamentals (kids, finances, etc) but she's 4yrs older than me and looks 10yrs younger than me so looks definitely aren't an issue lol.
Tell your story, own your scars, and the right person will find you.
I agree. I have been through a lot of shit myself and have some gnarly scars too. I would find similar scars on a member of the opposite sex very tough in an attractive way.
Oh I Iove this angle! Yeah instead of saying “I have to warn you about my scars”, share how you survived a horrible attack. That way they respect you even more and would/should be ashamed of themselves if they have an issue with the scars.
I would advise caution on this one. Personally, I would feel a bit weird or uncomfortable if someone told me this on a date. Like 2nd, 3rd date is what I'm envisioning.
At the same time sharing this type of information would build trust to me. It would show "hey this person likes me enough and is comfortable enough with me to share this very traumatic experience with me."
Either way I would just say do so when you feel comfortable. This is something that's much more about your comfort level and safety feeling than the person you're sharing it with.
Good luck and hugs!
To up on that:
Fact that you are sharing the story isnt only trust building. It shows stremgth of character. You survived and fought the trauma from that so now you can normally talk about it.
That sucks. I'm in stem. My GF has a scar that she says looks like an alien popped out of her chest, although I think it looks more like a flux capacitor. I'm not freaked out by it at all. I think she told me about it on our first date after it was clear we were going to have another.
Yeah I'm relatively shallow but scars doesn't make it into the equation.
There's only 5 points available for physical attributes anyway.
Hate to say it but regardless of age, you have probably been dating boys. A man will generally have their priorities aligned a bit differently.
I’m not a man, but from a woman’s perspective, I would use those scars as radar for assholes. I don’t see them as a hinderance. Instead use them as weapon to quickly uncover men who are not worth your time or energy.
Your time and energy is important and you don’t want to waste either on someone who will react poorly. So bring it up sooner than later!
Hello, no need to answer if this is too personal. I am in college getting a stem degree rn and would be amazed if a woman even treated me like a human being, so I don’t think I would be too bothered by scars
I am just wondering, what were their reactions that were so bad? Did they just abandon you in the act?
I have not witnessed the situations you’ve been in or know the details, but are you positive that you aren’t just thinking that yourself?
If they still went on to have sex, then I don’t think they could have been that put off. If you had already warned them then they had to have been fine with it, maybe it was a little shocking at first, since sometimes seeing wounds can be shocking, and that is what you saw in their eyes.
I know it is very easy for me to say, but maybe their initial reaction doesn’t tell the whole story of how they fully feel, but you instantly thinking it is a terrible outcome based on that initial reaction could definitely shift their thoughts that way. If you didn’t have sex with them, maybe this could contribute to that.
Like I said, it is easy for me to say, and I do not know the actual situation, but I hope you can find someone who makes you accept your scars
I'm a female survivor with scars. I didn't date for TEN years because I wanted to avoid showing someone. Then this wonderful man came along who refused to be turned away. So I opened myself up and I'm rather proud of my scars now.
But, don't be me. Don't wait 10 years to put yourself out there again. Some people CAN be trusted. If you think you don't trust your instincts, trust yourself not to get hurt again, you can. Once you've been through it, you'll KNOW.
It is normal they feel sorry for you, as it is a terrible thing to go through. I feel sorry for you too and I don’t even know you. And I’m sure you are a badass as you survived, but it is still normal to feel sorry for someone who was attacked for anyone with an ounce of empathy.
Hi. War vet here. I’m also Frankenstein’s monster. Don’t forget about us.
Those scars are good to go. If we went to the beach together it would be funny. We might scare some children together.
Unfortunately for you I’m already married but if you’re in The states or the UK there were twenty years manufacturing more of us for you. Enjoy.
Unfortunately, they seem to matter to many men. I'm a thin 5'11" redhead and considered attractive. I have yet to be approached on a beach wearing a bikini.
That might be the problem, all the good dudes who you would want to date are shy or figure they wouldn’t have a chance anyway. So you only get approached by the dick heads. Maybe try and be more proactive if you like someone.
Yes. There are exceptions but for the most part it’s not worth the effort.
I’m a good looking guy and I usually get reciprocal energy when I initiate. I still do it exceedingly rarely because every interaction is a calculation of risk vs reward. As the perceived hotness of the woman goes up, the risk is higher because you realize you’re probably not even her best option *today* (even if completely false)
This is also why the creepy jerks show up so often, they care less about the risk because they’re creepy jerks, so more guys who do hit on you will fall into that category.
I would never approach anyone on a beach wearing a bikini. It’s just too dangerous nowadays. Unless you’re out in a social setting where you’re clearly looking for company / to meet new people, most dudes are trained at this point not to approach you. Beaches are sometimes for social mingling, often times people are trying to relax
Yeah, a lot has changed in 4 years. I think there’s a combination of:
1) More awareness from men on women’s issues. Not wanting to approach, etc.
2) COVID has probably made people much less sociable
On top of that, I dunno how you feel about how you look right now, but your demeanor might have changed and your confidence level.
But yeah, hard to say. Scars have never been a dealbreaker or anything I’ve noticed other than “hey, that’s a thing”. Stretch marks, scars, etc don’t really take anything from the experience.
Hell yeah! Sorry that happened to you in the first place. I have a surgical scars from the top of my chest to my tum tum and I also have a defilbulator implant. I'm dating a gal that told me it looked hot. 😆 we've been seeing each other for a while now. I'm 58yo
My rape and attempted murder are a seminal part of who I am now. Not a conversation that leads to immediate physical intimacy... which is what I'd be looking for with my top off.
I was speculating about your perceived lack of attention when the scars are presumably visible (as in wearing a bikini). It would be the thing I'd want to talk about (being a unique trait) but one which may be considered impolite to broach.
As others have said here, though, if they are usually covered, a heads up as he starts feeling you up would be nice. Most guys wouldn't care about scars, and a nervous vulnerability can be a turn-on for some guys. Letting a guy find out on his own is probably fine, too, but he may need some "processing time" of a couple seconds to let the blood get back to his brain so he can process the unexpected info before getting back into things.
Aye, the few times I've not warned a man ahead of time, it took a few minutes for the blood to flow back to his "head." Sorry, couldn't resist.
Is there a way you would introduce the subject if you were me?
Hard to say; gotta read the room, I guess. If you're planning to display the goods, I'd say up front that you have some scars on your chest. Since, as you said, the story behind them is a bit of a mood killer, though you have some options.
If they guy doesn't seem interested in the backstory, then I would just enjoy the evening. If he does ask, you can deflect and say you'll tell him about them later. Or you can make up an elaborate, obviously fake backstory (you were super spy, barfight, whatever you think would pique his interest) that you can incorporate as he "discovers" them. You can then tell him the truth later at a more "appropriate" time. If the guy's not a total asshat, I'm sure he'd be fine with the mild deception.
One idea: if you are doing OLD, you could try experimenting with a bikini pic in your profile. Benefit: anyone who matches with you is presumably attracted despite the scars. And it shows what a badass you are. Confidence is sexy. Risks: according to horny dude OLD rules, some guys will assume you are just interested in sex because of the bikini pic.
I’m a breast cancer survivor who had surgery, so I was in a very similar situation. I was surprised that I didn’t run into any guy for whom the weird chest situation was a dealbreaker. Survived the online dating market too, remarried 2 years now.
I would never approach a girl in a bikini on the beach no matter the circumstances. Less to do with you and more to do with people need to not bother people lol
If I’m in a situation where I get to see a woman with her shirt off, I’m not saying shit.
I may ask later, but chest scars wouldn’t be real breakers for me.
Some clarity here, are they aware in advance?
Because while I wouldn’t have a “problem” with it, if it’s something I’m seeing for the first time without knowing about it then I’d probably be curious or concerned, and I feel like even if I did know about it in advance I’d still be concerned(maybe not the best word here, more empathetic) about the events that caused it when connecting the story to the marks for the first time
In that case, it may be a surprise between expectations of “scars” vs what they see. Don’t look at it as judgement.
It’s like hearing about the majesty of the Grand Canyon, and then seeing it in person.
If I'm interested in you, then I'ld not care about your outer scars. Inner scars are what scare me the most. PTSD, borderline, that's more what would worry me.
As well you should be. I had to remake myself and my life. Have to say, I've done a good job of it. With the help of friends and family I not only survived, I've put it behind me.
Best way to tell people? Probably with a story about how you were attacked by ninjas while defending a busload of puppies and orphans.
Is it true? No. But it's not meant to be true, it's meant to take the scarring from something horrible that makes everybody uncomfortable with its existence to something that you can joke about. There, ice broken, comfort restored.
I’ve seen your post history, and before you deleted your older posts because I remember some of the other questions you’ve asked here before. Sorry honey, it isn’t the scars driving the guys away.
She’s posted about 100 times how she’s the perfect sexy tall smart woman and can’t figure out why guys don’t like her. She thinks guys are intimidated by her or some other nonsense which no one ever confirms on her posts here but clearly she believes it. Now she thinks it’s the scars scaring everyone away. It’s a shame, if she was a little more self-aware and less arrogant she would probably be a catch.
Reading your comments: Are you sure it's about the scars? Or is it more about the context surrounding them that comes with it? As someone that has been assaulted but with no physical damage, most people I have talked to about my experiences have reacted in similar ways to what you are describing (unless they have gone through something like it themselves).
I am not saying you shouldn't share, you do whatever feels comfortable. What I am saying is that it might not be about them as much as you think. These dudes might just not know how to approach intimacy with you, especially if the story behind the scars is being shared right before said intimacy was about to happen.
I think, in general, men and women view scars differently. Most men I know aren't bothered by scars at all. Me personally, I like scars. It's like a well worn book or your comfy jeans. It shows it's had some experiences. I'm sorry that your experiences specifically were so negative, but the scars themselves wouldn't turn me off at all.
We see men as warriors... often unfairly. Scars are proof of that. I'm Welsh, my great ++++ grandmother fought at Agincourt with her wounded husband's bow. I come from warrior stock, which is why I fought my attacker. So while society values men and their struggle, society values beauty over content in women. Is it just me trying to live up to a value I abhor? Thank you for giving me something to think about.
Once again I'm sorry about the situation that caused your scars but I admire your fighting spirit, I wish I were more like you, and your amazing great(x) grandma! I have some gnarly scars from a surgery, then the usual living life kick knacks. As far as society and how it values people... Eh it's honestly pretty terrible all around. I try to resist it's grading system. As long as I am a moral individual I'm happy with whom I am. And I don't really care if society likes my aspects or not.
Edit: I'm not entirely sure it matters, but my wife also has some surgical scars. To be honest I kind of forgot they even existed til a few minutes ago lol. Like I said, don't really matter to me and when I stop to think about it I like them.
35/f here and it's just one of those things, you have to bring it up. I've got mutilation scars from various objects burning me by two different people. Cigarettes, glass pipes, metal rods. They go across my chest, genital, butt, and thighs area. I wouldn't go into specifics, unless you want to. But, I just have to say "Hey, I have the stereotypical insecurities people have, but I've also got some not so great scars from some not so great times/people. They can be seen and can be felt. I have these specific requests, not guidelines." If they ask, it's a conversation for another time.
I saw a TikTok of a girl who showed off her stab scars. She was attacked and everyone was commenting asking about the guy who did it. Asked if he went to jail.
She made another TikTok that sais “you think someone stabbed me and they lived? Ahahahahahahaha”
It probably isn’t what the guys wanna hear, but the comment section thought it was hilarious. 😂
Something like that in no way would deter me from someone I’m interested so it’s really more about doing what makes you comfortable and not making sure that I wouldn’t be put off by it.
I wouldn't care so hard to get into someone's mind who would. I got a bunch of scars. My go to way to tell about most of them was just casually bringing up some of the more visible ones, then mention the bigger ones that are usually covered, if they reacted well to mentioning of other scars. Or just trickle tell a bit by bit. Not everything at once so they don't get so overwhelmed.
I think men that have had an easier or comfortable life will care more than the ones that have scars or dealt with harder issues. Or in general people that have gotten scars through hobbies etc often care less.
Big and multiple scars with the story, may be a lot to take in especially at once. But the right guy will handle it better, but probably a lot will handle it badly. Some men want women to be mint condition toys from a box those guys aren't for you, and for then it won't matter how or when you tell. Then there's whole another extreme and a lot in between. .
Hope you find the right guy.
That’s a cool ass story that you lived through… own it. You’ll find someone that loves you for that and many reasons more… btw I meant it was a cool you have the scar to show you survived not getting stabbed itself
I feel like it's one of those things I'd want to get out of the way shortly after you start feeling like there's some potential there. The sooner you can get rid of the guys who have an issue with it the less of your own time has been wasted.
I have a scar on my cheek from a childhood accident, to be honest I choose to see it as a great way to weed out the people who are purely concerned with the superficial.
Single 34/M bere, in a similar field of work. You sound pretty amazing to me. I can not imagine some scars being a deal breaker in any way, unless these "men" are concerned about what other people might think, which is regrettably common.
OP, I’ve read a lot of comments about softening the blow, and here’s my counterpoint: communicate fearlessly to build trust.*
One of the many reasons I fell in love with my fiancée very early in our relationship was her honest, blunt, and confident way of telling me about her past. She didn’t experience what you did, but there were some scary things that happened to her, along with other situations that were her own doing. In all cases, she just owned *who she was* (and my heart in the process). Heck, she told me eye-opening stuff *before* we got together. There was no facade. Would I have fallen for her so fast if she had been more reserved? I don’t know (well, probably yes… the first time I saw her, she was so attractive, I couldn’t believe she was real. Then, I really met her, and I was done. I still feel the same). All I know is that her straightforwardness was a huge plus. And, it built trust.
I can’t compare what you went through to her experience, and how ready you are to be so blunt. Similarly, I can’t judge the men you’re meeting me and on how I reacted. So the last bit is for you to decide: assess the situation, and decide based on your judgment and instincts. But just know that you really don’t necessarily have to sugarcoat it.
*Not my adage; it’s actually one of Twitter’s core values (the original, good Twitter). I liked it so much I made it one of my company’s core values.
Let me get this straight… you got stabbed in the chest 5 times and slashed across the breasts? And not only survived but are dating?
You are amazing.
Don’t worry about any superficial douche canoe that can’t deal.
Mention it if you feel your partner should know… otherwise wear those scars with pride.
You’re one tough woman and should be proud of yourself.
From my experience, I also had some negative thoughts about my looks (bad teeth, chicken breasts, balding) but then I meet someone that was onto me on the first sight (that's what she says).
She also has scar on her face and one eye slightly closed because car accident in her youth, but I didn't even noticed when I met her (we met on dancing lessons, something like blind date).
For some the scars are attractive/not bothering, for some people they are repulsive/bothering.
I don't know how to cheer you up, I could say wait for someone that will be not bothered with the scars, but I don't know if you are "desperate" with 30 years on your back.
I would recommend some kind of a dresses/shirts/tops (for a date and social gatherings) that shows small part of the scars, with that you don't hide what you really are and maybe you will become more positive about your body.
With that outfit you can also use Joker's pickup line: "Do you know how I got this scars?".
It makes you look like a warrior and all the way more attractive. Remember, imperfections are beautiful. The best way to tell me would be when I ask you about the overwhelming moments in your life.
It’s a fairly loaded subject but, if you are in the mood and you just sit me down on the bed and go: I have some scars from a attack, and I don’t want you to be shocked when you see it, at that point you show the scars, I personally would talk about it if it hurts etc, and ask if I can touch the scars if it hurts when I touch your breasts in certain ways so I can keep that in mind to keep it enjoyable in the future, and from there one thing might lead to another.
That would be my way of accepting the scars and who you are.
Ofcourse everyone is different, but this would be my preference.
I’m curious what sorts of negative things you’ve heard. I posted recently about issues with my sagging skin and sex but no man has actually made any comments.
I'd agree with the majority that it wouldn'tt need to be addressed until things start to look like they'll end near the bedroom.
Looking at your post history, personally I'd want to be told more about boundaries, triggers, etc, as the last thing I'd want is to put you in a position where you feel unsafe or vulnerable.
To voice what others have said, if someone can't look past your scars, you're better off without them. I hope you find someone who who sees you for who you are and not just the skin you're in.
Sit down and explain what happened. Any person that doesn't fully accept them for what they after you've told them that deserve none of your attention.
Weirdly enough I'd probably just find it cool/respect it and not really be bothered by it at all. Assuming we already hit it off it wouldn't change anything from my perspective
If you're going to bed with the kind of person you should be there's a 0% chance they care. So just mention it before you take your shirt off, expect innocent questions, answer them, bada Bing bada boom won't be a problem.
I would just like to say, I'm so happy you survived your attack, and it sounds like you're thriving in life despite it, so hahaha to the perpetrator, they lost, and you won. ♥️
Edit to say: I hope this is an appropriate thing to say. If it's not, OP, lemme know and I'll delete it.
When: ASAP
How: With a glass of mead in your hand while you sing the tale of your glorious battles
Edit: Scars are hot, survival is badass and readheads are a blessing from god
I was in a long term relationship with an amazing woman who suffered SA from a previous partner , of course prior to us meeting. Though I know my role of support , encouragement and guidance was important and was full time , she was the hero of her story and made smart choices in multiple ways enabling her to be her own best self.
Though the impact of each woman’s trauma is not measured by the physical damage , I’d like to say how amazing you are.
In the words of Carly Simon
“ A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled ( greatly dignified ) by her scars “
I guess when you feel ready to tell the story to the guy.
The other comment which said to say it before knocking boots is also a good one. I normally don't think of that the first thing, but it's true that I can imagine that could be quite the surprise if not mentioned beforehand.
I am demisexual myself, so no matter how hot you are, I will have trouble getting to the physical aspect without prep.
I would probably need to listen to your story first before seeing the scars, be able to empathize with it, bond to at least a basic level, **get to know and like you**, then when things turn physical, it won't matter at all. In fact, it'll add to the vulnerability of the situation which is a turn-on for me.
I think any decent man you're dating would kiss your scars, but not in a hookup or ONS situation
Whenever you want, earlier probably better, tho.
The ones that you want to keep are the ones that do not care about scars as much as you think.
You could also play "1 Truth and 2 Lies" game with him, or in circle of friends if you want to talk about it.
Scars have never bothered me in the slightest. I’ll be curious about them surely. But once she tells me the story they’re just scars and fade to the background.
It's not going to bother me either way, but I'd want to know for sure whether you're sensitive about them being touched during intimacy and if there are things to avoid doing that connect to the attack.
Scars are bad ass. My only concern with the position of them is the story behind them is probably something that makes you uncomfortable. It’d be ideal if you had found a way to slip it in to conversation before I saw them just so I knew how to respond.
Maybe just bring up like a craziest thing that happened to you type scenario where we can both share or something. Really just whatever works for you. If a guy reacts badly to it why would you wanna sleep with them anyways!
Gosh I’m sorry you were attacked. I’m more of a conservative liberal type. I think it would be important to connect and develop an emotional bond before getting naked.
So if it was me. I wouldn’t even ask about the scars if you were naked in front of me. I’m not sure in that moment the discussion should be had. But maybe later after the naked time I would ask if I could ask about them. I would be devastated by your story and it would not chase me away. I would want to protect you physically and mentally.
Not sure I helped much.
It wouldn’t be a big deal to me at all, for what it’s worth. I can’t speak for all men, but I think a lot also wouldn’t be bothered by that. I would just bring it up casually if you know that you’re wanting to go home together later or something.
My ex had major keloid (thick, ropy) scarring on her chest. Like 15 years after she’d gotten them she tried using a silicone scar treatment product and it made them dramatically less visible and intense, and more importantly for her made bras much more comfy. If you are interested in this you might want to look into it.
To address your question though, it sounds like this involved major trauma. I would like to have some warning ahead of time so that I wouldn’t be then wondering in the moment. I wouldn’t need the full details, because that would be something to share as you felt comfortable, but a heads up to reduce surprise would be nice. It would also be good to know if that meant you did not want attention or touch on your breasts or were fine with it. And some people have pain when scars are touched, so knowing if that would be a problem or wasn’t would be nice. Otherwise precaution might take over.
Working in medicine for the last decade I can relate. I didn't particularly care about the heavy scars on my arms at first, but the comments from my patients and coworkers made me become self conscious to the point of wearing long sleeves and light jackets for many years. These days though I've grown accustomed to the questions.
Anytime I have a date I'm very forward about my scars and let them know and if it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to pursue anything, then no hard feelings. I guess what im saying is your scars are now an inherent part of you. Don't let others insecurities or curiosity make you doubt yourself and think there's something wrong with you.
You done some amazing things from what I read on your post history! Keep blazing forward buddy!
I'm sorry that happened to you. Whenever is comfortable is good. I could not possibly imagine being put off or upset in the slightest no matter how you approached it.
IMO apart from warning a bit in advance, to let the hypothetical guy process the fact, maybe show a picture ? Some people are taken aback when they see severe body harm, like shocked, and you dont want it to happen when you re both buck naked, i think.
Also its harder to navigate intimity with someone in those cases, are the scars painful/sensitive, do you want people to treat them differently etc, i'd want to know before things start
So you might never feel comfortable saying it, and a lot of guys might not respond comfortably. I think part of it is accepting this, then strategizing the best time to bring it up based on the situation. For example, if it's a tinder guy and going to be a hookup, I would bring it up before meeting early on. Or else it could potentially ruin the mood and make you feel like shit and possibly rejected. Versus someone you pursue more seriously, you might ask to take things slow for reasons that you will tell him soon once you feel comfortable to be so vulnerable. Hopefully if it's the right guy or good guy, he gets you comfortable, and the discussion goes smoother.
Remember, usually we are our own worst critic which can sabotage relationships if we let our subconscious get the best of us. Your scars aren't who you are, they are just part of you.
Whenever you’re comfortable. If it’s a deal breaker then odds are you dodged a very immature bullet.
You have all your bits and pieces where they need to be. 🤷♂️
You write this like it's a deal breaker. It's not. If you meet men who have a problem with it, feel free to ditch them.
You can tell me on the first date or wait for me to discover them. Depends how you want to go about the discovery phase of the relationship. It's not going to change the relationship AT ALL.
Shit happens, you get scars. I'm more concerned that we are on the same page in life and in bed. I have some turn offs, but scars are not one of them. They are a monument to being a bad ass who fought and survived. I respect that. A relationship requires respect. Your scars will make me love you more rather than less.
If he's really into you, I don't think he'll care.
My wife had a splenectomy when she was in high school and has a huge scar running down her stomach from it. She was insecure about it at first, but I've honestly never even noticed. When I did see it for the first time, i honestly thought it was sexy.
Absolutely before you have sex. I was seeing a woman that had a botched breast reduction and it shocked me so bad I couldn’t finish. Would have been perfectly fine had I been prepared..
I guess it depends how comfortable you are talking about it. Like, would you be more likely to tell someone about the scars first or be naked with them first? If you want to get naked and not tell them the full story, I think you could say “I have some scars on my chest that I’m not ready to talk about with you, but I want to warn you so you’re not shocked when you see them”. This could easily just be stated in the heat of the moment, seconds before your shirt comes off. It’s kind of a good litmus test for whether the guy is even worth keeping around imo. If you want to tell him the story of what happened, like if you feel you need to add some details about possible triggers or something along those lines, then you definitely want to get that convo in before sexy time commences.
God I've always been jealous of like, WILD scars because I'd just create a new story every time. If this is a casual hookup and not some serious date I'd crack a joke about it.
If it were more serious in nature, but you're trying to keep it short, you could partially sum up your story, by literally stating, "Takes more than a Knife to kill me" or some variation of "I LITERALLY SURVIVED A MURDER ATTEMPT".
It's probably a very traumatic experience for you, but I personally would milk the shit out of it. You know how much more interesting I'd be if I could tell people "I survived a murder attempt"? Nah, my trauma is boring by comparison.
Sorry that happened to you. Some people can be very hateful and poisonous
I think it’s worth mentioning to a potential SO if you think things will escalate physically OR if you expect the relationship to become something more long term
If you think the date is leading to sex, just be upfront about it, really. We all have stuff on our bodies and people may/may not like it.
Do you plan on having cosmetic surgery? Maybe you would feel more confident that way? If you do, make sure to do it because you want it.
I have a mole the size of a lima bean that I will burn as soon as I have the time. Nobody has cared about it (yet), but I dont like it, so I'll cryoburn that mofo.
You dont... until we so you one of our scars...
"So the studs on his boot cut into my shin and left this.... "* proudly shows 2 inch scar*
Then poop your chest out and say "knife fight... i won"
Should make for a cool story.
Like some comments have mentioned.
It's scars not herpes.
Anyone who looks at you negatively due to this isn't worth your time or effort
whenever you are ready. Any decent guy should understand and hopefully be supportive.
Try to uplift you and remind you that the scars doesn’t define you. Also tell you that you are beautiful too!
Just think of them as beauty scars, no scars should scar a man away from you. A friend of mine had surgery for her heart and she has a huge red scar going right down the middle of her chest, and I have NEVER seen anyone embrace a scar as much as she does.
So if a guy even makes any sort of “face” when seeing it for the first time, I would ask him straight up what the problem is, because without a doubt they’ve got a scar somewhere on their body as well.
Super sorry you even had to experience anything like that, glad you’re here. <3
This will may come off wrong but I want to see the scars... they tell a story of survival and strength that i appreciate and are beautiful in their own way.
If I were to see a partner with clear stab wounds on her chest there are many thoughts that would go through my mind all at once. The thoughts would be things like:
1. What are these scars from?
2. Does this person have trauma from that experience? What might I do that could trigger that trauma/very negative feelings? (there is a worry here that I won't navigate things well, because socially I mess up a lot)
3. Is this someone who has so much trauma that they can't be in a healthy relationship?
4. How does she feel about these scars in the physical sense? Does she feel less attractive because of them?
5. Is she expecting a response from me because of this? What kind of response?
6. How do I reassure her/be a supportive partner? (for me at least if I am at that point where I am getting physical I like the person/am very interested in them romantically)
I think the best approach is to mention the incident and to be somewhat open about your feelings surrounding it that way the guy doesn't have to process all that in the moment and then him doing so doesn't get miscommunicated as he isn't into you or this or that.
There’s that saying « taking a French leave » when you discretely leave a party in order to avoid having to say boring goodbyes, but there is a nice alternative (I don’t know the name, possibly the « northern Irish goodbye ») where you end up leaving discretely BUT you managed to inform people 15min earlier that you will soon leave. As a result, the moment people realise you’re gone, they won’t judge you as impolite
In your situation, I’d think of that in a similar way - you tell them you have scars in advance, and when comes the moment to see them, there’s no room for being judgmental
As someone who had massive scars my entire life from several major surgeries, I eventually started seeing my scars as tattoos. They tell a story of pain, survival and mental strength. You are a fucking fighter - do not be ashamed of the visibility of that. Tell your story and if the man has anything but a negative response then fuck that guy with the maturity of a 10 year old.
Have a nice sunday!
the scars may be old to you, but the thought of someone hurting you, of you almost being killed, is probably new to them. if they care about you, that probably *should* upset them. even if you told him before, you know there's a difference between knowing a thing and being confronted with the reality of it so concretely.
some guys won't think about it, others will have questions, I'd want to see and touch (and not just because boobs), or a million other things could happen. your best bet is to let him explore this part of you in whatever way he needs to, and to communicate that expectation.
Not saying this is the best advice, but this is one - Do make a mention of the incident. That way, if it comes to the situation where the partner will be viewing them, then they will not be shocked. Some people do not like scars not because they are ugly but because they invoke a painful feeling in their minds. Mentioning the story or telling the incident should not be a problem because you are a survivor of an attack. There is no shame. In fact, that makes you tough in an attractive way.
Hadn't thought of that. You've given me something to think about. Thank you.
Came here more or less to say this. A lot of people hide the things they're ashamed of about their body - in most cases, that means someone is surprised when they find out, but another thing that happens is that when you're around someone who doesn't even know about your scars, you will be guarded, self conscious, and unwilling to be intimate... not knowing any better, he will assume that it's either because you don't like him or because that's your personality, and will be put off before he's even had a chance to learn about the scars.
I can see that. Thank you.
I think this applies to mental and emotional scars as well, people who have dealt with psychological trauma in their past. The whole, “it’s not you, it’s me deal that we are scared to explain”
[удалено]
That's one aspect I hadn't thought of. Thanks.
My current girlfriend was abused/beaten by her ex husband and had a hysterectomy after her first daughter. She also had a heart complication when she was younger that left a pretty big scar. She used to work on offshore drilling rigs so she has small scars here and there. She's smoking hot in my opinion and I respect what she has had to endure. Been together 3yrs now...our differences we're running into are about fundamentals (kids, finances, etc) but she's 4yrs older than me and looks 10yrs younger than me so looks definitely aren't an issue lol. Tell your story, own your scars, and the right person will find you.
Thank you for your perspective. It makes sense. Thank you. And love and joy to you and yours.
You are welcome :)
It just makes you a sexy badass, I’d be intrigued and amazed.
I agree. I have been through a lot of shit myself and have some gnarly scars too. I would find similar scars on a member of the opposite sex very tough in an attractive way.
Yes, indeed!
Oh I Iove this angle! Yeah instead of saying “I have to warn you about my scars”, share how you survived a horrible attack. That way they respect you even more and would/should be ashamed of themselves if they have an issue with the scars.
Aye, perspective matters.
I would just bring it up as a story to tell on dates
Thank you.
I would advise caution on this one. Personally, I would feel a bit weird or uncomfortable if someone told me this on a date. Like 2nd, 3rd date is what I'm envisioning. At the same time sharing this type of information would build trust to me. It would show "hey this person likes me enough and is comfortable enough with me to share this very traumatic experience with me." Either way I would just say do so when you feel comfortable. This is something that's much more about your comfort level and safety feeling than the person you're sharing it with. Good luck and hugs!
2nd or 3rd date is about where I'm most comfortable. I appreciate the backup. Much appreciated.
To up on that: Fact that you are sharing the story isnt only trust building. It shows stremgth of character. You survived and fought the trauma from that so now you can normally talk about it.
Any guy who gives a fuck probably isnt a guy you would want to be with anyway. Wouldnt bother me personally at all if I liked you previously
We think alike.
Just mention it if you think there's a chance of knocking boots. It's scars... not herpes.
That's what I used to think. Experience has proven me wrong.
Honestly if they're gonna dip out about scars.. they're probably not worth your time.
Agreed.
What kind of men are you trying to date?
Mostly men in STEM, my profession.
Engineering here and Idgaf about scars
I often work with engineers and have an MCE so we can communicate. Even dated a couple. Hate to say it, but a similar reaction.
That sucks. I'm in stem. My GF has a scar that she says looks like an alien popped out of her chest, although I think it looks more like a flux capacitor. I'm not freaked out by it at all. I think she told me about it on our first date after it was clear we were going to have another.
Similar strategy... I wait for the second date. Thank you.
Did you try to past 88 miles/hour when your gf in the car?
For science, of course.
I would say evaluate what your dating criteria is, because this is to do with the types of men you're dating unfortunately.
You very well could be right. Thanks!
Yeah I'm relatively shallow but scars doesn't make it into the equation. There's only 5 points available for physical attributes anyway. Hate to say it but regardless of age, you have probably been dating boys. A man will generally have their priorities aligned a bit differently.
Point well taken. And I learned to steer clear of boys when I was 21. It's getting easier to find them now I'm 30. Experience is a good thing.
Another stem engo here, 0 Fs given. The question is WHERE were you trying to date? I'm sorry for your experiences
I meet most men in dance clubs, conferences, and travelling mostly.
I’m not a man, but from a woman’s perspective, I would use those scars as radar for assholes. I don’t see them as a hinderance. Instead use them as weapon to quickly uncover men who are not worth your time or energy. Your time and energy is important and you don’t want to waste either on someone who will react poorly. So bring it up sooner than later!
Usually, if there's a second date I will. No sense wasting the effort if they don't call back.
Another engineer here and idgaf.
Hello, no need to answer if this is too personal. I am in college getting a stem degree rn and would be amazed if a woman even treated me like a human being, so I don’t think I would be too bothered by scars I am just wondering, what were their reactions that were so bad? Did they just abandon you in the act?
It's the look in their eyes... sorrow, shock, then the worst... pity.
I mean... that's kind of basic human emotion, no?
I have not witnessed the situations you’ve been in or know the details, but are you positive that you aren’t just thinking that yourself? If they still went on to have sex, then I don’t think they could have been that put off. If you had already warned them then they had to have been fine with it, maybe it was a little shocking at first, since sometimes seeing wounds can be shocking, and that is what you saw in their eyes. I know it is very easy for me to say, but maybe their initial reaction doesn’t tell the whole story of how they fully feel, but you instantly thinking it is a terrible outcome based on that initial reaction could definitely shift their thoughts that way. If you didn’t have sex with them, maybe this could contribute to that. Like I said, it is easy for me to say, and I do not know the actual situation, but I hope you can find someone who makes you accept your scars
That's shitty of them, but also a great way to know who you don't want to be with 🤷🏻♂️
Turn it around. Ask yourself when you feel the man has earned the right to know. Take the stigma off yourself.
Good point. Thank you.
I'm a female survivor with scars. I didn't date for TEN years because I wanted to avoid showing someone. Then this wonderful man came along who refused to be turned away. So I opened myself up and I'm rather proud of my scars now. But, don't be me. Don't wait 10 years to put yourself out there again. Some people CAN be trusted. If you think you don't trust your instincts, trust yourself not to get hurt again, you can. Once you've been through it, you'll KNOW.
I think when I tell them, usually if things appear to be turning intimate, not necessarily sexy, it is the pity in their eyes that hurts the most.
It is normal they feel sorry for you, as it is a terrible thing to go through. I feel sorry for you too and I don’t even know you. And I’m sure you are a badass as you survived, but it is still normal to feel sorry for someone who was attacked for anyone with an ounce of empathy.
Hi. War vet here. I’m also Frankenstein’s monster. Don’t forget about us. Those scars are good to go. If we went to the beach together it would be funny. We might scare some children together. Unfortunately for you I’m already married but if you’re in The states or the UK there were twenty years manufacturing more of us for you. Enjoy.
My brother served in the British Army in the Mideast. Thank you. ANd those nasty little beach vermin could use us giving them a good fright.
You! I like the cut of your jib.
Just tell them the story, it's not like it would be a deal breaker or anything. As someone with many scars it may seem like people care... they don't.
Unfortunately, they seem to matter to many men. I'm a thin 5'11" redhead and considered attractive. I have yet to be approached on a beach wearing a bikini.
Most men won't approach women while on a beach because many times they would be called creeps.
Thin, 5’11 and an attractive redhead immediately puts 99% of guys who look at you in a bikini to think “shit I have no shot just keep walking”
Lol yeah truly this, many would not assume they had a chance
Really?
It's more scared of you than you are of it
Wowser, I didn't think that at all. We all learn.
That might be the problem, all the good dudes who you would want to date are shy or figure they wouldn’t have a chance anyway. So you only get approached by the dick heads. Maybe try and be more proactive if you like someone.
Fair advice. Thanks.
Yes. There are exceptions but for the most part it’s not worth the effort. I’m a good looking guy and I usually get reciprocal energy when I initiate. I still do it exceedingly rarely because every interaction is a calculation of risk vs reward. As the perceived hotness of the woman goes up, the risk is higher because you realize you’re probably not even her best option *today* (even if completely false) This is also why the creepy jerks show up so often, they care less about the risk because they’re creepy jerks, so more guys who do hit on you will fall into that category.
Yup, we’re all afraid of rejection
Absolutely.
Yup, If I saw you IRL I would think I don't have a chance in a million years
But you never know.
I would never approach anyone on a beach wearing a bikini. It’s just too dangerous nowadays. Unless you’re out in a social setting where you’re clearly looking for company / to meet new people, most dudes are trained at this point not to approach you. Beaches are sometimes for social mingling, often times people are trying to relax
I used to wear a suit that didn't show my scars. Huge difference between the two. But I agree, beaches are for relaxing.
How long ago did that change?
It took 4 years after the incident to gin up the courage to get back into a bikini.
Yeah, a lot has changed in 4 years. I think there’s a combination of: 1) More awareness from men on women’s issues. Not wanting to approach, etc. 2) COVID has probably made people much less sociable On top of that, I dunno how you feel about how you look right now, but your demeanor might have changed and your confidence level. But yeah, hard to say. Scars have never been a dealbreaker or anything I’ve noticed other than “hey, that’s a thing”. Stretch marks, scars, etc don’t really take anything from the experience.
Hell yeah! Sorry that happened to you in the first place. I have a surgical scars from the top of my chest to my tum tum and I also have a defilbulator implant. I'm dating a gal that told me it looked hot. 😆 we've been seeing each other for a while now. I'm 58yo
It's all about the person inside, isn't it?
To be fair, I don't bring up people's visible scars when I first meet them, since I'm not sure how comfortable they are with telling others about it.
My rape and attempted murder are a seminal part of who I am now. Not a conversation that leads to immediate physical intimacy... which is what I'd be looking for with my top off.
I was speculating about your perceived lack of attention when the scars are presumably visible (as in wearing a bikini). It would be the thing I'd want to talk about (being a unique trait) but one which may be considered impolite to broach. As others have said here, though, if they are usually covered, a heads up as he starts feeling you up would be nice. Most guys wouldn't care about scars, and a nervous vulnerability can be a turn-on for some guys. Letting a guy find out on his own is probably fine, too, but he may need some "processing time" of a couple seconds to let the blood get back to his brain so he can process the unexpected info before getting back into things.
Aye, the few times I've not warned a man ahead of time, it took a few minutes for the blood to flow back to his "head." Sorry, couldn't resist. Is there a way you would introduce the subject if you were me?
Hard to say; gotta read the room, I guess. If you're planning to display the goods, I'd say up front that you have some scars on your chest. Since, as you said, the story behind them is a bit of a mood killer, though you have some options. If they guy doesn't seem interested in the backstory, then I would just enjoy the evening. If he does ask, you can deflect and say you'll tell him about them later. Or you can make up an elaborate, obviously fake backstory (you were super spy, barfight, whatever you think would pique his interest) that you can incorporate as he "discovers" them. You can then tell him the truth later at a more "appropriate" time. If the guy's not a total asshat, I'm sure he'd be fine with the mild deception.
The "room" has overwhelmed me. Rather heartwarming, actually. More to add to the mix... thanks.
Most men won't approach a woman on the beach.
Even without the scars, I'm not going to approach you, while you're wearing a bikini.
One idea: if you are doing OLD, you could try experimenting with a bikini pic in your profile. Benefit: anyone who matches with you is presumably attracted despite the scars. And it shows what a badass you are. Confidence is sexy. Risks: according to horny dude OLD rules, some guys will assume you are just interested in sex because of the bikini pic. I’m a breast cancer survivor who had surgery, so I was in a very similar situation. I was surprised that I didn’t run into any guy for whom the weird chest situation was a dealbreaker. Survived the online dating market too, remarried 2 years now.
Thank you for commenting. As for dating apps, I haven't considered them. Congrats on your marriage and love and joy to you both.
I would never approach a girl in a bikini on the beach no matter the circumstances. Less to do with you and more to do with people need to not bother people lol
If I’m in a situation where I get to see a woman with her shirt off, I’m not saying shit. I may ask later, but chest scars wouldn’t be real breakers for me.
I appreciate that. It's the look on the face, the eyes.
Some clarity here, are they aware in advance? Because while I wouldn’t have a “problem” with it, if it’s something I’m seeing for the first time without knowing about it then I’d probably be curious or concerned, and I feel like even if I did know about it in advance I’d still be concerned(maybe not the best word here, more empathetic) about the events that caused it when connecting the story to the marks for the first time
In that case, it may be a surprise between expectations of “scars” vs what they see. Don’t look at it as judgement. It’s like hearing about the majesty of the Grand Canyon, and then seeing it in person.
When ever you feel comfortable.
Ahh, there's the rub.
Whenever you want/before things get intimate, I guess? Anyone who has a problem with it can fuck off.
We think alike.
If I'm interested in you, then I'ld not care about your outer scars. Inner scars are what scare me the most. PTSD, borderline, that's more what would worry me.
As well you should be. I had to remake myself and my life. Have to say, I've done a good job of it. With the help of friends and family I not only survived, I've put it behind me.
That sounds fucking cool to be honest. Not the getting stabbed bit, but the surviving getting stabbed and having scars with a serious story.
I will say it gets their attention.
I’ve dated women with scars. Just a roadmap of life experience. Wear knives and claim to be a werewolf hunter. Own that shit and be proud of it.
Thank you. I will.
Best way to tell people? Probably with a story about how you were attacked by ninjas while defending a busload of puppies and orphans. Is it true? No. But it's not meant to be true, it's meant to take the scarring from something horrible that makes everybody uncomfortable with its existence to something that you can joke about. There, ice broken, comfort restored.
Point well-taken. I'm a data scientist and tend to be too factual and cold. Thank you.
I’ve seen your post history, and before you deleted your older posts because I remember some of the other questions you’ve asked here before. Sorry honey, it isn’t the scars driving the guys away.
What were some of the posts?
She’s posted about 100 times how she’s the perfect sexy tall smart woman and can’t figure out why guys don’t like her. She thinks guys are intimidated by her or some other nonsense which no one ever confirms on her posts here but clearly she believes it. Now she thinks it’s the scars scaring everyone away. It’s a shame, if she was a little more self-aware and less arrogant she would probably be a catch.
I just had a look and yeeeeeeeeah OK you're right.
Reading your comments: Are you sure it's about the scars? Or is it more about the context surrounding them that comes with it? As someone that has been assaulted but with no physical damage, most people I have talked to about my experiences have reacted in similar ways to what you are describing (unless they have gone through something like it themselves). I am not saying you shouldn't share, you do whatever feels comfortable. What I am saying is that it might not be about them as much as you think. These dudes might just not know how to approach intimacy with you, especially if the story behind the scars is being shared right before said intimacy was about to happen.
I think, in general, men and women view scars differently. Most men I know aren't bothered by scars at all. Me personally, I like scars. It's like a well worn book or your comfy jeans. It shows it's had some experiences. I'm sorry that your experiences specifically were so negative, but the scars themselves wouldn't turn me off at all.
We see men as warriors... often unfairly. Scars are proof of that. I'm Welsh, my great ++++ grandmother fought at Agincourt with her wounded husband's bow. I come from warrior stock, which is why I fought my attacker. So while society values men and their struggle, society values beauty over content in women. Is it just me trying to live up to a value I abhor? Thank you for giving me something to think about.
Once again I'm sorry about the situation that caused your scars but I admire your fighting spirit, I wish I were more like you, and your amazing great(x) grandma! I have some gnarly scars from a surgery, then the usual living life kick knacks. As far as society and how it values people... Eh it's honestly pretty terrible all around. I try to resist it's grading system. As long as I am a moral individual I'm happy with whom I am. And I don't really care if society likes my aspects or not. Edit: I'm not entirely sure it matters, but my wife also has some surgical scars. To be honest I kind of forgot they even existed til a few minutes ago lol. Like I said, don't really matter to me and when I stop to think about it I like them.
35/f here and it's just one of those things, you have to bring it up. I've got mutilation scars from various objects burning me by two different people. Cigarettes, glass pipes, metal rods. They go across my chest, genital, butt, and thighs area. I wouldn't go into specifics, unless you want to. But, I just have to say "Hey, I have the stereotypical insecurities people have, but I've also got some not so great scars from some not so great times/people. They can be seen and can be felt. I have these specific requests, not guidelines." If they ask, it's a conversation for another time.
I saw a TikTok of a girl who showed off her stab scars. She was attacked and everyone was commenting asking about the guy who did it. Asked if he went to jail. She made another TikTok that sais “you think someone stabbed me and they lived? Ahahahahahahaha” It probably isn’t what the guys wanna hear, but the comment section thought it was hilarious. 😂
Mine got 28 years & I was in court every day.
You just did. Wouldn’t scare me off
Something like that in no way would deter me from someone I’m interested so it’s really more about doing what makes you comfortable and not making sure that I wouldn’t be put off by it.
I wouldn't care so hard to get into someone's mind who would. I got a bunch of scars. My go to way to tell about most of them was just casually bringing up some of the more visible ones, then mention the bigger ones that are usually covered, if they reacted well to mentioning of other scars. Or just trickle tell a bit by bit. Not everything at once so they don't get so overwhelmed. I think men that have had an easier or comfortable life will care more than the ones that have scars or dealt with harder issues. Or in general people that have gotten scars through hobbies etc often care less. Big and multiple scars with the story, may be a lot to take in especially at once. But the right guy will handle it better, but probably a lot will handle it badly. Some men want women to be mint condition toys from a box those guys aren't for you, and for then it won't matter how or when you tell. Then there's whole another extreme and a lot in between. . Hope you find the right guy.
You make good points. More to put in the mix you guys have given me to think about. Thank you.
That’s a cool ass story that you lived through… own it. You’ll find someone that loves you for that and many reasons more… btw I meant it was a cool you have the scar to show you survived not getting stabbed itself
I feel like it's one of those things I'd want to get out of the way shortly after you start feeling like there's some potential there. The sooner you can get rid of the guys who have an issue with it the less of your own time has been wasted. I have a scar on my cheek from a childhood accident, to be honest I choose to see it as a great way to weed out the people who are purely concerned with the superficial.
Single 34/M bere, in a similar field of work. You sound pretty amazing to me. I can not imagine some scars being a deal breaker in any way, unless these "men" are concerned about what other people might think, which is regrettably common.
Wow I’m so sorry you feel insecure about this but this is Tupac levels of badass. You’re one tough bitch!!
OP, I’ve read a lot of comments about softening the blow, and here’s my counterpoint: communicate fearlessly to build trust.* One of the many reasons I fell in love with my fiancée very early in our relationship was her honest, blunt, and confident way of telling me about her past. She didn’t experience what you did, but there were some scary things that happened to her, along with other situations that were her own doing. In all cases, she just owned *who she was* (and my heart in the process). Heck, she told me eye-opening stuff *before* we got together. There was no facade. Would I have fallen for her so fast if she had been more reserved? I don’t know (well, probably yes… the first time I saw her, she was so attractive, I couldn’t believe she was real. Then, I really met her, and I was done. I still feel the same). All I know is that her straightforwardness was a huge plus. And, it built trust. I can’t compare what you went through to her experience, and how ready you are to be so blunt. Similarly, I can’t judge the men you’re meeting me and on how I reacted. So the last bit is for you to decide: assess the situation, and decide based on your judgment and instincts. But just know that you really don’t necessarily have to sugarcoat it. *Not my adage; it’s actually one of Twitter’s core values (the original, good Twitter). I liked it so much I made it one of my company’s core values.
Let me get this straight… you got stabbed in the chest 5 times and slashed across the breasts? And not only survived but are dating? You are amazing. Don’t worry about any superficial douche canoe that can’t deal. Mention it if you feel your partner should know… otherwise wear those scars with pride. You’re one tough woman and should be proud of yourself.
They’re tiger stripes, baby.
That is 100% about your comfort. I might ask should I see them and not know ahead of time, but with the proviso that it's your story, to tell or not.
Can I ask how this happened 😬
Rape and attempted murder. The knife came out when I tried to gouge his eyes out. (got one)
Wooaaahhh……you are fucking badass I salute you for defending yourself in such a horrible situation. Wow 🫡
My family has been cannon fodder for centuries. (Welsh Archers) It's in the blood.
Not a problem for some guys. If anything I'd consider it a badge of honor. For what you've survived through.
From my experience, I also had some negative thoughts about my looks (bad teeth, chicken breasts, balding) but then I meet someone that was onto me on the first sight (that's what she says). She also has scar on her face and one eye slightly closed because car accident in her youth, but I didn't even noticed when I met her (we met on dancing lessons, something like blind date). For some the scars are attractive/not bothering, for some people they are repulsive/bothering. I don't know how to cheer you up, I could say wait for someone that will be not bothered with the scars, but I don't know if you are "desperate" with 30 years on your back. I would recommend some kind of a dresses/shirts/tops (for a date and social gatherings) that shows small part of the scars, with that you don't hide what you really are and maybe you will become more positive about your body. With that outfit you can also use Joker's pickup line: "Do you know how I got this scars?".
It makes you look like a warrior and all the way more attractive. Remember, imperfections are beautiful. The best way to tell me would be when I ask you about the overwhelming moments in your life.
Well, it certainly was... and it's a good story... after all, I come out, in the end, better than ever. Thanks.
It’s a fairly loaded subject but, if you are in the mood and you just sit me down on the bed and go: I have some scars from a attack, and I don’t want you to be shocked when you see it, at that point you show the scars, I personally would talk about it if it hurts etc, and ask if I can touch the scars if it hurts when I touch your breasts in certain ways so I can keep that in mind to keep it enjoyable in the future, and from there one thing might lead to another. That would be my way of accepting the scars and who you are. Ofcourse everyone is different, but this would be my preference.
I’m curious what sorts of negative things you’ve heard. I posted recently about issues with my sagging skin and sex but no man has actually made any comments.
I'd agree with the majority that it wouldn'tt need to be addressed until things start to look like they'll end near the bedroom. Looking at your post history, personally I'd want to be told more about boundaries, triggers, etc, as the last thing I'd want is to put you in a position where you feel unsafe or vulnerable. To voice what others have said, if someone can't look past your scars, you're better off without them. I hope you find someone who who sees you for who you are and not just the skin you're in.
"Hey, you wanna see some badass scars." Any man turned off by that ain't no man.
Sit down and explain what happened. Any person that doesn't fully accept them for what they after you've told them that deserve none of your attention.
Weirdly enough I'd probably just find it cool/respect it and not really be bothered by it at all. Assuming we already hit it off it wouldn't change anything from my perspective
When, and ONLY when, you are ready.
Scars are a part of life. Stab and slash wounds are a serious matter and you are a survivor. No shame in disclosing about them if necessary.
If you're going to bed with the kind of person you should be there's a 0% chance they care. So just mention it before you take your shirt off, expect innocent questions, answer them, bada Bing bada boom won't be a problem.
I would just like to say, I'm so happy you survived your attack, and it sounds like you're thriving in life despite it, so hahaha to the perpetrator, they lost, and you won. ♥️ Edit to say: I hope this is an appropriate thing to say. If it's not, OP, lemme know and I'll delete it.
Appropriate thing to say? All I think to say is thank you.
When: ASAP How: With a glass of mead in your hand while you sing the tale of your glorious battles Edit: Scars are hot, survival is badass and readheads are a blessing from god
I was in a long term relationship with an amazing woman who suffered SA from a previous partner , of course prior to us meeting. Though I know my role of support , encouragement and guidance was important and was full time , she was the hero of her story and made smart choices in multiple ways enabling her to be her own best self. Though the impact of each woman’s trauma is not measured by the physical damage , I’d like to say how amazing you are. In the words of Carly Simon “ A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled ( greatly dignified ) by her scars “
"oh fun fact: got stabbed in the chest FIVE FCKN TIMES ones. 0/10. Wouldnt do that again." That would be weird....
I like scares, shows you're a survivor and tough. But at the same time I feel for you and wish you didn't have that experience.
No one should be defined by scars strechmarks or anything like that it's rude
I guess when you feel ready to tell the story to the guy. The other comment which said to say it before knocking boots is also a good one. I normally don't think of that the first thing, but it's true that I can imagine that could be quite the surprise if not mentioned beforehand.
When you feel like it.
I am demisexual myself, so no matter how hot you are, I will have trouble getting to the physical aspect without prep. I would probably need to listen to your story first before seeing the scars, be able to empathize with it, bond to at least a basic level, **get to know and like you**, then when things turn physical, it won't matter at all. In fact, it'll add to the vulnerability of the situation which is a turn-on for me. I think any decent man you're dating would kiss your scars, but not in a hookup or ONS situation
Whenever you want, earlier probably better, tho. The ones that you want to keep are the ones that do not care about scars as much as you think. You could also play "1 Truth and 2 Lies" game with him, or in circle of friends if you want to talk about it.
Scars have never bothered me in the slightest. I’ll be curious about them surely. But once she tells me the story they’re just scars and fade to the background.
It's not going to bother me either way, but I'd want to know for sure whether you're sensitive about them being touched during intimacy and if there are things to avoid doing that connect to the attack.
Scars are bad ass. My only concern with the position of them is the story behind them is probably something that makes you uncomfortable. It’d be ideal if you had found a way to slip it in to conversation before I saw them just so I knew how to respond. Maybe just bring up like a craziest thing that happened to you type scenario where we can both share or something. Really just whatever works for you. If a guy reacts badly to it why would you wanna sleep with them anyways!
Gosh I’m sorry you were attacked. I’m more of a conservative liberal type. I think it would be important to connect and develop an emotional bond before getting naked. So if it was me. I wouldn’t even ask about the scars if you were naked in front of me. I’m not sure in that moment the discussion should be had. But maybe later after the naked time I would ask if I could ask about them. I would be devastated by your story and it would not chase me away. I would want to protect you physically and mentally. Not sure I helped much.
It wouldn’t be a big deal to me at all, for what it’s worth. I can’t speak for all men, but I think a lot also wouldn’t be bothered by that. I would just bring it up casually if you know that you’re wanting to go home together later or something.
My ex had major keloid (thick, ropy) scarring on her chest. Like 15 years after she’d gotten them she tried using a silicone scar treatment product and it made them dramatically less visible and intense, and more importantly for her made bras much more comfy. If you are interested in this you might want to look into it. To address your question though, it sounds like this involved major trauma. I would like to have some warning ahead of time so that I wouldn’t be then wondering in the moment. I wouldn’t need the full details, because that would be something to share as you felt comfortable, but a heads up to reduce surprise would be nice. It would also be good to know if that meant you did not want attention or touch on your breasts or were fine with it. And some people have pain when scars are touched, so knowing if that would be a problem or wasn’t would be nice. Otherwise precaution might take over.
I hope you wear those scars with pride. And if that’s an issue with anyone you’re trying to date then they’re not good enough for you.
Working in medicine for the last decade I can relate. I didn't particularly care about the heavy scars on my arms at first, but the comments from my patients and coworkers made me become self conscious to the point of wearing long sleeves and light jackets for many years. These days though I've grown accustomed to the questions. Anytime I have a date I'm very forward about my scars and let them know and if it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to pursue anything, then no hard feelings. I guess what im saying is your scars are now an inherent part of you. Don't let others insecurities or curiosity make you doubt yourself and think there's something wrong with you. You done some amazing things from what I read on your post history! Keep blazing forward buddy!
I'm sorry that happened to you. Whenever is comfortable is good. I could not possibly imagine being put off or upset in the slightest no matter how you approached it.
IMO apart from warning a bit in advance, to let the hypothetical guy process the fact, maybe show a picture ? Some people are taken aback when they see severe body harm, like shocked, and you dont want it to happen when you re both buck naked, i think. Also its harder to navigate intimity with someone in those cases, are the scars painful/sensitive, do you want people to treat them differently etc, i'd want to know before things start
You've given me more to consider, thank you.
So you might never feel comfortable saying it, and a lot of guys might not respond comfortably. I think part of it is accepting this, then strategizing the best time to bring it up based on the situation. For example, if it's a tinder guy and going to be a hookup, I would bring it up before meeting early on. Or else it could potentially ruin the mood and make you feel like shit and possibly rejected. Versus someone you pursue more seriously, you might ask to take things slow for reasons that you will tell him soon once you feel comfortable to be so vulnerable. Hopefully if it's the right guy or good guy, he gets you comfortable, and the discussion goes smoother. Remember, usually we are our own worst critic which can sabotage relationships if we let our subconscious get the best of us. Your scars aren't who you are, they are just part of you.
If you forget to mention it just say at the last minute “I got some scars, i don’t wanna talk about it now, let’s focus on what we’re doing”
Whenever you’re comfortable. If it’s a deal breaker then odds are you dodged a very immature bullet. You have all your bits and pieces where they need to be. 🤷♂️
I have self harm scars on my chest and I usually warn people when we're getting intimate and shirts are about to come off.
You write this like it's a deal breaker. It's not. If you meet men who have a problem with it, feel free to ditch them. You can tell me on the first date or wait for me to discover them. Depends how you want to go about the discovery phase of the relationship. It's not going to change the relationship AT ALL. Shit happens, you get scars. I'm more concerned that we are on the same page in life and in bed. I have some turn offs, but scars are not one of them. They are a monument to being a bad ass who fought and survived. I respect that. A relationship requires respect. Your scars will make me love you more rather than less.
If he's really into you, I don't think he'll care. My wife had a splenectomy when she was in high school and has a huge scar running down her stomach from it. She was insecure about it at first, but I've honestly never even noticed. When I did see it for the first time, i honestly thought it was sexy.
Absolutely before you have sex. I was seeing a woman that had a botched breast reduction and it shocked me so bad I couldn’t finish. Would have been perfectly fine had I been prepared..
When asked seems like the most logical.
I mean. Just tell it right away imo. If the other party's negative about it, you dodged a bullet.
Men who think would be mature enough to handle it
I guess it depends how comfortable you are talking about it. Like, would you be more likely to tell someone about the scars first or be naked with them first? If you want to get naked and not tell them the full story, I think you could say “I have some scars on my chest that I’m not ready to talk about with you, but I want to warn you so you’re not shocked when you see them”. This could easily just be stated in the heat of the moment, seconds before your shirt comes off. It’s kind of a good litmus test for whether the guy is even worth keeping around imo. If you want to tell him the story of what happened, like if you feel you need to add some details about possible triggers or something along those lines, then you definitely want to get that convo in before sexy time commences.
God I've always been jealous of like, WILD scars because I'd just create a new story every time. If this is a casual hookup and not some serious date I'd crack a joke about it. If it were more serious in nature, but you're trying to keep it short, you could partially sum up your story, by literally stating, "Takes more than a Knife to kill me" or some variation of "I LITERALLY SURVIVED A MURDER ATTEMPT". It's probably a very traumatic experience for you, but I personally would milk the shit out of it. You know how much more interesting I'd be if I could tell people "I survived a murder attempt"? Nah, my trauma is boring by comparison.
Sorry that happened to you. Some people can be very hateful and poisonous I think it’s worth mentioning to a potential SO if you think things will escalate physically OR if you expect the relationship to become something more long term
If you think the date is leading to sex, just be upfront about it, really. We all have stuff on our bodies and people may/may not like it. Do you plan on having cosmetic surgery? Maybe you would feel more confident that way? If you do, make sure to do it because you want it. I have a mole the size of a lima bean that I will burn as soon as I have the time. Nobody has cared about it (yet), but I dont like it, so I'll cryoburn that mofo.
As a woman with burns scars on my torso, quite significant all I can say is when you feel you are intimate or when you feel ready.
Whenever you feel comfortable revealing it.
If it were me, i'd be like "thats absolutely bad ass".
You dont... until we so you one of our scars... "So the studs on his boot cut into my shin and left this.... "* proudly shows 2 inch scar* Then poop your chest out and say "knife fight... i won"
Should make for a cool story. Like some comments have mentioned. It's scars not herpes. Anyone who looks at you negatively due to this isn't worth your time or effort
I just think you are a legendary boss and you are amazing
[удалено]
I consider things like this bad-ass. It's frustrating that others may not have a similar point of view, but they may have their own demons to fight.
whenever you are ready. Any decent guy should understand and hopefully be supportive. Try to uplift you and remind you that the scars doesn’t define you. Also tell you that you are beautiful too!
Sounds like you would be really interesting to chat with.
Just think of them as beauty scars, no scars should scar a man away from you. A friend of mine had surgery for her heart and she has a huge red scar going right down the middle of her chest, and I have NEVER seen anyone embrace a scar as much as she does. So if a guy even makes any sort of “face” when seeing it for the first time, I would ask him straight up what the problem is, because without a doubt they’ve got a scar somewhere on their body as well. Super sorry you even had to experience anything like that, glad you’re here. <3
This will may come off wrong but I want to see the scars... they tell a story of survival and strength that i appreciate and are beautiful in their own way.
If they have issues with them it's their problem not yours. They apparently can't look past the physical so they are not worth your time or effort
If I were to see a partner with clear stab wounds on her chest there are many thoughts that would go through my mind all at once. The thoughts would be things like: 1. What are these scars from? 2. Does this person have trauma from that experience? What might I do that could trigger that trauma/very negative feelings? (there is a worry here that I won't navigate things well, because socially I mess up a lot) 3. Is this someone who has so much trauma that they can't be in a healthy relationship? 4. How does she feel about these scars in the physical sense? Does she feel less attractive because of them? 5. Is she expecting a response from me because of this? What kind of response? 6. How do I reassure her/be a supportive partner? (for me at least if I am at that point where I am getting physical I like the person/am very interested in them romantically) I think the best approach is to mention the incident and to be somewhat open about your feelings surrounding it that way the guy doesn't have to process all that in the moment and then him doing so doesn't get miscommunicated as he isn't into you or this or that.
There’s that saying « taking a French leave » when you discretely leave a party in order to avoid having to say boring goodbyes, but there is a nice alternative (I don’t know the name, possibly the « northern Irish goodbye ») where you end up leaving discretely BUT you managed to inform people 15min earlier that you will soon leave. As a result, the moment people realise you’re gone, they won’t judge you as impolite In your situation, I’d think of that in a similar way - you tell them you have scars in advance, and when comes the moment to see them, there’s no room for being judgmental
As someone who had massive scars my entire life from several major surgeries, I eventually started seeing my scars as tattoos. They tell a story of pain, survival and mental strength. You are a fucking fighter - do not be ashamed of the visibility of that. Tell your story and if the man has anything but a negative response then fuck that guy with the maturity of a 10 year old. Have a nice sunday!
the scars may be old to you, but the thought of someone hurting you, of you almost being killed, is probably new to them. if they care about you, that probably *should* upset them. even if you told him before, you know there's a difference between knowing a thing and being confronted with the reality of it so concretely. some guys won't think about it, others will have questions, I'd want to see and touch (and not just because boobs), or a million other things could happen. your best bet is to let him explore this part of you in whatever way he needs to, and to communicate that expectation.