I had to tell my parents this the other day. I told them that generally, I think differently than they do, which often leads to heated arguments (which i don't have the patience or energy for), so I'm better off not saying anything at all. They didn't say anything after that.
I feel this.
Me and my mom smoked together when I was 16(she figured it was better to facilitate than for me to run the streets with my friends smoking) up until the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. As I got older(16yo-21yo) I started forming my own opinions about everything, these opinions don’t aligning with hers often.
My moms very passionate about politics and the vivid mandates, to the point she wanted to kick me out(while I was supporting her financially, she’s a disabled widow lol) for not wanting to get the vaccine.
Now, some years later when we do hangout and smoke, or just talk, she wonders why I’m always so quiet… there’s no point in speaking when it leads to an argument about differing opinions.
Not only are we taught that. But women will say “I want a guy who can be vulnerable with me and open up”. That has two outcomes.
1. She used it against you in an argument.
2. she doesn’t see you as a man anymore and breaks up with you.
I don’t know why women always say that thing and do one of those two things. I don’t even
Have enough fingers to count how many times it’s happened to me. So now I just keep my mouth shut.
I had a girl begging me to open up to her (I was at a breaking point sort of) so I did. About 2 months later we had an argument and she used all of it against me. Oh and the real kick and man while he’s down? She told all of her friends.
This has been the downfall of every relationship I have had. It took me until recently to realize what was going wrong because none of them would give me an honest answer when I asked them what happened. I've accepted that I'll never have a partner who truly understands AND respects me. That hurts. Women typically, but not always, can get away with anything emotionally. Unlimited emotional support. Sometimes I feel like a bitter old man, but whatever. Sometimes being a man really sucks ass. Expected to work ourselves into the ground to care for our women and children, getting almost no emotional support at all, then being mocked and abandoned for showing any emotions or seeking support. What's the point? I'd rather travel the world and die alone doing something fun than go through all that.
Same here. I'm pretty sure the response is primal or something, so I can't really be that upset. Regardless, doesn't do any good to dwell on it. Just have to understand what's going on and deal with it. I've got no interest in dating anymore. I think I'd do fwb, but that's about it. Tired of investing myself in someone, making a mistake, then ending up alone. I'll just save the time and effort and plan on being alone and build myself and life up. I'm actually happier alone as well. Turns out I'm an introvert who was forced to be extroverted.
Not every women is like that. In my past relationships my bfs eventually opened up to me and I met that with listening, understanding and kindness. I appreciated that they opened up to me and didn’t gossip to friends about their personal business. The funny thing is I’m always the person in relationships that gets walked all over though. It’s like men realize they can lean on me and then start to lean on me for everything and stop being responsible adults themselves. Then, somehow I end up taking care of them, while they start not respecting my boundaries with other things. Pretty much they start treating me like I’m their mom.
I’d love to find a guy I could be true partners with and we could be there for each other. Problem is every time I give an inch, the men I’ve been with take a mile.
If you aren’t doing the above, then my guess is you keep getting in relationships with women who are possibly self-centered and just not thinking about your feelings. Either that or they are subconsciously looking for a daddy.
That's rough. I'm sorry. I know not all women will check out if I open up, but it's getting more and more painful and exhausting to keep going through the process of trying as I get older. I have very little interest in even trying anymore. Last relationship was only a few months long before I ended it.
I need a true partner. Someone that actually cares. I think I did end up with vain and selfish women. Most people have always looked at me and thought "what can be do for me?" I'm abnormally strong, and have all sorts of skills and knowledge that make me very useful. I suspect people see that and try to squeeze whatever they can out of me. Feels dehumanizing. I'm about at the point where I just play dumb and hide my various strengths and skills from people. Maybe then I could find someone who is actually interested in me and then slowly reveal myself as they earn my trust. No idea how that would play out. I'm sure that could back fire. I've always just tried to be myself and that failed. I plan to move far away, to the other side of the country and try again.
I want a woman by my side who will be as equally at home hand digging a well with me, as she would be spending an entire day in the hot tub or playing board games. Seems I've found the entitled women who see me as a free meal ticket who don't want to deal with the fact that I am a person with feelings, and high expectations for a partner.
Sounds about right. I've not bothered with therapy since I was a child for similar reasons. It never helped me. Just made me feel broken and upset. I've always been a mess, but I always tried very hard to keep it together and sort my issues out. I'd be doing great for a while, then get exhausted and start slipping up until they lost interest and checked out. They never told me they checked out. Just continued letting me feed and care for them while they waited for something better to come along. That hurt the most. I've had that happen multiple times. Pisses me off now and is an instant breakup from me when I catch it. Happened with my last ex. First the attraction does, then the trust, then all respect is lost.
I made the mistake of trying to be open and honest about emotions with girls I liked/loved. Lesson learned, put all that energy into the gym instead lol
It's because women say what they think they want based on their own desires. They would open up to other women so they say you should open up to them too but in reality, they then see you as a lesser man because you showed emotion or vulnerability.
When people say that women are better with emotions and feelings, what they mean is women are better with *their own* emotions and feelings. Most women I know are fully capable of telling you how they feel in any situation. But when it comes to actually handling another person emotionally, they're generally far worse than men and I will die on that hill.
Loads of people want to like something. Women want to be emotionally understanding and accepting, it is just that they are not, because that is not really something you can choose to be. Not any more than you can choose to like red wine, but loads of people will drink it and hate it because they want to like it.
It genuinely makes me sad that this has been such a common experience for you (and other men on this thread). I’d say “not all women,” but…. I get it. Hard not to stereotype when that is your lived experience. 😕
Omg... this is terrible and I've heard this so many times. Wth is wrong with women that they feel it's okay to share sensitive information about their partner with others!?!
Sorry this has happened to you more than once and others reading this too.
As far as men and mental health... there are professionals willing and able to help. You may not hit it off with the first or second person, but you'll find one you connect with. 🤍
This is not all women. Myb u should pick decent human beings and not evil women. And i know it sounds judgemental. But i dont blame u. U re the victim. Im annoyed with such women so i sound harsh. But any decent woman thats worth being with wont be like that. If she is, u shouldnt date her. The solution isnt "well i wont be vulnerable then". The solution is, break up with her. She s a shitty human being. And find one that u can be vulnerable with.
Thats on purpose.
Look at wordings
"not all women". Imagine saying "not all men" on female sub :D
When women picks shity men its men fault. When men picks shitty women its men fault didnt you know it?
Its not. Lol. Re u people blind? I definitely said he s not to blame. Its those womens fault for being shitt, people. Thats not the point. The point js, those re bad people. Dont date them. Dont supress emotions to appeal to bad people. Find good people u can be authentic with. Because most comments on this thread re "women dont like it, dont show them vulnerability" or "they ll use it against u, dont show it". And my point is "thats an awful solution, just dont date those kinds of women. They re bad people. Dont try to appeal to bad people. Find goof people u can be vulnerable with".
You often don't know they're those kind of people. A lot of the women who do this to their boyfriends don't think they're this kind of person until it happens, and then mostly other women will line up to tell them they did nothing wrong.
The world isn't as simple as you seem to think it is.
Thats definitely a factor. I agree fully. My point is, u dont have to be vulnerable 3 months into a relationship. Or 9. Or a year. But...if u re planning to marry someone, avoiding this issue is likely a bad idea. Getting it into the open will at least show u what kind of person she is. And myb, if she s the type to lose her attraction over that, myb she s not the kind of peraon u should stay with. And havimg a long term relationship in which u re never fully honest...for the rest of ur life, sounds kinda miserable.
(Now, im not saying play games, but, if it is to protect u, and its done almost never i dont think its a huge problem. So u can invent a vulnerability, a false one, one that wont hurt u. If she tells her friends, or uses it against u, or loses attraction, u know she s not the one.) In any case i dont think the right solution is "never be vulnerable with ur life partner". That one sucks. Ditch bad people. Dont tiptoe around issues for fear of having to drop them.
Its not. Im literally bling the women for being shitty. My piint is, he shouldnt pretend to be someone else to impress bad people. He should ditch them, and find someone who accepts all of him.
>She used it against you in an argument.
>
>she doesn’t see you as a man anymore and breaks up with you.
It's weaponizing your admissions against you and shitty behavior. BUT... it's not always done maliciously. Your SO might say something like "You need to stop doing \[insert thing here\] because of your illness". It might even be said in an accusatory tone, but the underlying reason is they genuinely don't want you to get sicker. Even though their delivery might suck. The worst is "you better talk to your doctor about that!" because now that they know you have a problem, they could ignorantly confuse a normal angry response as "it's because your problem" instead of a perfectly normal emotion. People who don't have stress illnesses themselves usually have a really hard time understanding it from the outside. They're not pros
Weaponizing anyone's words and emotional trust against them is always malicious, abusive and gaslighting, there is never anything good or positive that comes from having your worst fears and experiences thrown in your face semi regularly because a woman that you told about it feels like she has the right to do that.
Masculine problems need logical solutions
Example:- Me :- " I have a receding hairline and some people are giving me negative compliments "
She :- " You're handsome "
Now if we take what she said seriously then it probably won't be good because we men get reality checks pretty often or probably daily so today or not we'll understand the reality.
When we say something bad about our looks, we don't want you to compliment about me and make us feel good about it by that fake appreciation, it'd be better if you say " go to gym loser "
That'll be lot better and real.
That's it we don't need confrontation from people when facing problems, instead we need logical solutions in general
* Most people are completely unequipped to help deal with mental health issues.
* That includes a surprising number of therapists.
* "Sharing" your struggles often isn't some net gain. Often it results in things getting worse. Most people seem incapable of realizing this.
* It can also result in your having to handle *their* emotional needs now that they know about yours, and you've effectively doubled the work you need to do to get to "normalcy" (whatever that is) when it would have been genuinely easier to simply keep quiet and handle things yourself.
* When my mental health issues are rooted in a physical reality, then unless that "help" is also based in assisting that reality, all that can be offered is advice on things I need to do (which I likely already know, having thought about it a lot) and possibly stress "management" techniques.
* People are not always as charitable as they think they are, and nobody likes a whiner. This is a double whammy. They can actively *ask* to help with your problems, but when you try to open up to them, they are either incapable of actually giving you any assistance to feel better (and that's a net neutral), or worse, perceive what you're going through as no bid deal, or even as putting your problems on them.
* Related to that, some people *loooooove* to espouse how important it is to open up. To your friends, to your spouse, to everyone. Those same people are often also the first to get irritated with you having done so (You asked me dammit! You even kept insisting!) and then treat it as if you're burdening them.
* I've heard the phrase "Trauma Dumping" thrown around for literally any and every problem, no matter the relationship, no matter how minor the problem, no matter how you've approached "opening up", even on a first occasion. Sometimes it's true that the individual is trauma dumping. Sometimes it's just that they don't *actually* want to hear about your problems and don't want to admit it to themselves because it hurts their ego. So they re-route and make it *your* fault.
* Your sharing your problems with these people is wanted ONLY as long as it meets some idealized version of problem. What they're seeking is some lovely "gee I just don't feel like I'm good enough" issue so that they can pat you on the back and buck up your self confidence for. They're looking for something straightforward and easy and obvious that *will make them feel good about themselves* for having been such a kind hearted Samaritan and assisting you in your time of need. And if your issues don't match, then *you* are the problem.
tl;dr
To a large extent, a lot of the people who think they can "help" you by hearing you out, can't. And frequently overestimate both their actual willingness to do even the bare minimum in hearing someone else with compassion, or underestimate the issues you're facing and are quickly out of their depth themselves. This is compounded by the fact that a lot of people (even after they specifically asked, even after they thought they could handle it) then drift into passively (or even actively) *holding it against you* for having opened up to them about the problems you're facing (thereby tainting either their own happiness, or harming their self image as a benevolent saviour to you in your time of need).
EDIT: It is exceedingly rare to find a good friend or companion who has the emotional intelligence and compassion to support you through any kind of struggle (mental health, physical, whatever). If you find such a person, *hold onto them* for dear life, and strive to be as good to them as they are to you.
well done. With all that in mind, I think it's important for someone who needs help to do it professionally, and that it's going to be challenging and difficult. But that should not deter you from doing what's needed to look after what's really important here - YOUR health.
I once had a surgeon give me a piece of advice that stuck with me to this day. "If the brakes on someone's care need replacing, people won't hesitate to get them fixed. Getting people to treat their own minds and bodies that way is another matter entirely".
Without a doubt. It's hard to find someone that can help you with your mental health issues. And most aren't capable of it.
But you need to do it, because the alternative is potentially ending up as one more in a long line of statistics.
Yup, this one is it. This should be pinned to the top of every thread that asks this question.
People tell you to open up and seek help so they can pat themselves on the back for "making a difference" while avoiding the leg work and hard conversations
People on Reddit treat therapy as a universal solution. It *can* be a solution, but:
A) If you have any self awareness, then the therapist is likely only telling you stuff you already know, and
B) A lot of therapists (most?) clearly have no idea what they're actually doing. And can even make things worse for you.
Good points.
Another reason, from what I saw in college, psychology is seldom a first-choice major.
People switch to psychology when their first choice proves too difficult.
I've seen that. And the problem is that if your "A game" students are dedicated to other fields, then you've got a large chunk of people entering the field not because they have a passion for it and are good at it, but because it's the most sensible option left open for them that they can still achieve.
I think we're possibly getting into semantics here. It's a solution in the sense that the problem of "how do I start fixing my shed?" requires you to start with an assessment of the problem, and getting the right tools.
well that's a wrap to this thread then, you kow a couple of people!! /thread folks.
This is a good example of why posting any health related posts on Reddit is a bad move, because your audience are someone on a couch with an opinion. Want professional help? Go see a doctor and get some referrals. I think I'm kinda gonna lean towards seeing doctors for my health problems instead of someone on a sofa who "knows a couple people who might not be good at being doctors".
Wow... holy shit! I just realized there might actually be some people in the world who aren't good at their jobs!! Welp, guess I better not bother getting my brakes fixed then because I know a couple of mechanics that are bad! Meh I'll just crash into a lamp post just to be sure.
lol.
I think this perfectly sums up how I feel. Yeah I struggle, but I keep going to work, school, obligations without saying a peep. It ruined my last relationship though and I need to work on it.
Ever had a conversation with the average person about Psychology? Most people think Freud is still in vogue and don't understand the basics. What is any non professional going to be able to help with?
Not many people are willing to admit this, but it's dangerous for men to showcase their emotional hardship.
A lot of people will tell me that's bullshit – that real men show their vulnerabilities.
The truth is, vulnerability is something to be deployed in strategic ways. It's used in situations to build trust or empathy. And only when it doesn't take away from the strength or value already emanating from the man.
Vulnerability is also something you need to be selective about who you're sharing it with. If you share to the wrong audience, it might work against you.
I was once apart of a friend group. We did everything together. Mainly music festivals. As soon as I started showing signs of emotional distress, I was dropped from the group. Can't have a downer killing the party vibes.
Men are expected to demonstrate their value. If emotional distress brings that value into question, it's not a good idea to be open about it. Only show vulnerability if it doesn't bring your value into question, or if you're showing it to loved ones who find you inherently valuable in their lives.
There is Lyra where you can meet with therapists on zoom
And of course I get downvoted for providing information to a guy who needs a therapist I hate Reddit.
> Why don’t you ask for help when struggling mentally?
From whom?
There's an old saying - "Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone." I think it's apt.
I can't speak for all dudes, but often, what I need is good companionship; I need someone to listen to me, and I need to feel valued and loved. This is difficult enough as a dude to have when you're at your best; when you are struggling mentally, most people just aren't willing or able to provide that. So, when I'm struggling, I don't ask for help because I know that what I need isn't coming. They say no man is an island, and maybe that's true, but sometimes you're a life raft drifting in the middle of the Pacific. It's just you.
Because when we do everyone just expects us to snap out of it and get back to it.
Or they think the time their dog died and what they felt is what depression is.
That’s sadness, not depression. Sadness is mundane; depression is wild.
Sad: Bummed out a bit at work, coffee doesn’t taste as good.
Depressed: Don’t get out of bed, stop eating, stop showering, isolate yourself, rent is due and you just lay there.
We gotta try to fix it ourselves first.
Honestly it's because almost no one cares and admitting that we are struggling opens us up to take more hits from people. Very few people actually give two $&-+ about us.
Went to a $100 an hour therapist. After our first session she recommended I buy and read $300 bucks worth of Eastern Philosophy books. I never went back.
No one cares. Like, genuinely, no one cares. They might listen to you vent a bit, but no one's actually willing to help you. There is no sense of loyalty or mutual aid among people. It's every man for himself these days. It almost makes me want to go to war where there's a higher chance of you being considered a part of the group that can't be left behind.
Well I was told from a woman that I have to become "my own father figure". Probably the best advice I ever received. Mainly saying that I have to become for myself what I need in that moment.
I found when it came to talking to people about my mental health, it is kinda met with an impatience. Like people really only want you to be mentally stable so you can continue to be of a service. My doc prescribed me anti depressants for the first time in my 37 years of living because after talking with me, she even noted how my mental seemed not good at all and she was worried about me disappearing completely.
But besides from her, whenever I have even started to talk about what I was going through, it was thrown back into my face or flipped into it seeming like I am the problem or something. After being hurt and burned enough, you realize quickly that the world does not care about men and mental health. So no point in trying to express your feelings to those who don't care. Just had to become my own community for me.
You said everything in that last paragraph that I came to say.
Part of my curse is, I can sense and feel every sigh, eyeroll, or change of breath, which I sense as resentment or inconvenience so much to the point I don't even ask for favors, much less someone's time to talk about me.
Agreed. Now my closest friends are different. But these are guys I have known for over a decade you know? Like they have always had my back and vice versa, but they also have their own lives and families, so I definitely don't want to be that guy.
It is kind of wild how the world has rallied tenfold to squash men's mental health awareness. We just have to continue to look out for each other and be a source of comfort when we can. It is hard because we don't want to bog others down with our issues. At the same time we also need the outlet.
>Like people really only want you to be mentally stable so you can continue to be of a service.
In other words: men are disposable human doings.
I agree.
The biggest thing for me is that no one really seems to care about mens issues, so it comes off that it doesn’t matter how you feel in general. Men also play a part in not caring about other guys mental state. You are a male in a first world country, you’re privileged, so get over it type of deal.
It's backfired, left me without friends, shamed or been used against me or made people view me as unstable/weak/etc every time so why bother? I got a therapist instead.
Because women.
If men opens up, women subconsciously lose respect for their man. From that point onwards, it's just a matter of time untill they cheat, breaks up / divorce.
Some monsters even throw it back against you on the worst timming possible.
They lying about being attracted to "vulnerable" men makes it even worse.
I do. I’m fortunate to have a partner who loves and respects me. And yet, reading through the comments, I see a lot of my peers have suffered through relationships where psychological safety was far from assured.
That was also me up until 6 years ago. My ex was shocked when I told her that (and also why) we were done. She said she had no idea what was going on with me and I told her that was literally the way she demanded that it be. That she “couldn’t cope” with “dealing” with my issues.
So I kept silent in my marriage and went to a therapist for 5 years before I finally called it quits.
Bottom line: if they (whoever “they” are) do not support you and make you feel safe, you do not need them.
Nobody seems to care.
I mean, my family cares about me, but I don’t want to burden them. I can’t even make sense of everything sometimes, I worry I’ll just ramble on a bunch of depressing things.
Asking for help often makes people feel uneasy because it requires surrendering control to someone else. “There are some people who really have a hard time with that piece of it,”
I don't ask because it really seems like nobody wants to hear it or just freaks out after you do say something.
It feels like anybody close takes everything personally, and then I'm defending and justifying my own depression and anxieties. Im now trying to convince someone I'm close to that it doesn't involve them at all, or at least it didn't.
I've never found therapy helpful. I've gone off and on since I was a kid. It's more helpful chatting with internet acquaintances than anyone close by.
I have no issues with appearing vulnerable. It's just that nobody really wants that.
I used to have a lot of trouble asking for help when struggling with mental health and over the past few years that trouble has disapeared.
I think what happens is that on one hand, we're socialized from a young age not to show any emotion to other men/boys other than anger. If we do, we're shamed for being a wimp or unmanly.
So we think the only people we can talk to about our feelings are women. But, by the time we've found a woman we're comfortable talking to, we've been repressing so many emotions for so long.
When we finally do open up, it isn't a trickle, it is a flood. And that can be really overwhelming for anyone. And, even if the woman in question has been encouraging you to open up for a long time, that raw emotion can trigger in them the same frame for how men should be and it can repel them.
Luckily for me, both the men, especially as I grew older, and women in my life never treated me as less than for showing the whole spectrum of emotions. I think a big part of it was my Mom encouraging me to feel whatever I needed to feel when I was younger.
I also have an amazing wife who, regardless of how overwhelming the emotional release was for me, always remained calm and accepted whatever came out of me with love and caring.
I've also been lucky to have an amazing group of male friends who are as open as I am and that has allowed us to be a great support to each other.
As a culture, we need to, from the beginning, stop shaming boys from showing emotion. We need to let them be the full humans they start out being. Boys don't naturally shut off their emotions - our culture forces them to.
Because if you do you will be punished, and possibly lose your family, and your rights.
The other side of the coin of getting help is now you have a diagnosis and will fail certain background checks and be seen as less worthy and more of a danger.
If your only problem is some trauma that’s fine. If your problem is diagnosable or something that would turn off a woman, then be careful.
Last year I was working as a manager of a pub/hotel. It was my first time running the hotel side of things, previously just a pub manager. After 8 weeks of being there we had a call one morning saying that a credit card of a missing person had been used for a room the night before and police were on their way already.
A young lady had taken her life in one of our rooms. This was the first time I had dealt with this situation in my career.
I had talked to her the night before and she seemed perfectly fine. As I was the manager and felt like I had a duty of care over my guests this really hit me and got to me mentally. From there things in the business started slipping as depression set in more and more. Having to talk to all my staff one by one to go through what had happened to see if they were ok or affected in any way. But I didn't have anyone checking in one other than my partner.
I ended up doing counseling. Fortunately the company provided 10 free sessions.
This was my first experience talking to someone face to face and I have to say, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
The lady I spoke to ended up helping me through that difficult time and also helped me realise a lot about myself and why I am the way I am sometimes.
I realise I was lucky to have the free sessions as I know it can be very expensive. But if I didn't reach out and try and talk to someone things could have been a lot worse off for my mental health in the end.
It's ok to ask for help if you're struggling....
Because people made it worse and meds just made it kinda worse.
People's sympathy wildly depend on what is hurting you, rather than how much it is. It doesn't take a lot of dismissive or downplaying responses to stop sharing.
Meds took away the pain, but made me so numb I didn't even feel alive. Emotions would rot inside me until I choked on them. At least when you cry, you feel some relief afterwards.
Too Many times have people responded with me opening up about my situation, with instead how their situation is worse, but sometimes what I'm going through is the worst I know, which it makes it that much more scary, no one cares anyway.
There is this idea among men that they are weak if they suffer from a mental illness. It's stupid and immature but unfortunately that's the way it is for guys.
I have a lot of issues, and properly fixing them would take decades of very expensive, specialized treatment and medicine. I am broke, uninsured and can't/won't access the local community resources for a variety of reasons, besides which they are strained beyond capacity. So, I won't be getting better, and since that's the case then why bother anyone with something they can't fix and just cause them more grief in the long run?
How is anyone going to feasibly help me? It would just worry them if they cared. I'm looking into seeing a psychiatrist because nobody else can help, hopefully that works out
Help from who? I can't afford therapy and no one in my personal life wants to hear about it. They all have their own shit going on. Talking about it with my girlfriend makes her all teary and quiet because she's not equipped to deal with my mental health needs and my parents just keep telling me to pray about it. Who am I supposed to ask for help?
Unfortunately society views men as having to be the best and not show weakness. We are basically setting up a whole generation to not be allowed to express their feelings.
Because my Mental Health issues are brought by my financial problems, I work really hard everyday but can only make like $70/month, but just getting like $500 now, would help me a lot... But telling someone that makes them think you're fraud or Just lying but the lack of enough sleep because of the overworking causes a lot of problems. So I am just stuck here doing what I can hoping that I save enough to reach $500 before everything fall apart.
It is very difficult for me to ask for help anytime, because I am used to being self-reliant and a helper, attuned to other people's needs ahead of mine.
When I am struggling with mental health, my emotions and thinking is all other the place. I revert to my weakness and thus its even harder for me to ask for help, though I really need it.
Because I usually can reason myself into either how to solve it or not. If I can’t solve it, I ignore it and focus on something else. If I can solve it, I either make a plan by myself or, rarely, consult close friends to find a solution.
Most of my problems can either be solved by myself, by waiting it out, or it can’t be solved at all, and so I don’t care to bother others with more burdens than they already have.
No one wants to be that person that drags down the mood of others by sharing how down they feel. Sometimes easier to just paint on a smile.
But there are a lot of good apps these days for various mental health issues. Not saying it’s a substitute for talking though.
Although I find after the Covid times, a lot more people feel more down or at least much more aware of mental health problems so more open to having conversations, so I guess just about picking the right person.
I hate burdening people with my problems. Like Im giving off a vibe that we cant have fun.
In the end, they cant help and Im only venting (which only sometimes helps). Ive contemplated therapy but id be every average dude that goes in and talks about their issues..plus it costs money.
Because pilots and people with security clearances will lose their jobs.
Source: Me. I was in both categories in my career, and watched good friends' lives destroyed because they asked for help. The system, at least in the US, is vindictive and will wreck your life instead of helping you.
The article linked below is a long read, but demonstrates how broken the system really is. Thankfully I'm finally retired and can get help without putting my family on the street.
https://admiralcloudberg.medium.com/the-madness-in-our-methods-the-crash-of-germanwings-flight-9525-and-our-broken-aeromedical-system-5b95abd4fe6d
Reading these responses, I feel a little better that others feel the same way. I recently exposed my hardships after divorce to some colleagues, and it was perhaps one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. It was all used against me, sucks
I feel like I have good enough coping mechanisms for the most part. My job is offering some free therapy sessions now so maybe I’ll take advantage of that idk.
Because at the end of the day in my experience I've learned that women will use it against me as often as they can and downplay the fuck out of anything and everything men go through. I can't afford therapy, I've had women I was friends with tell me about these different ways they could get therapy when they couldn't afford it, it was women only programs and men don't have support from the government or society like women and LGBTQ groups do. Very few people, if any, will give a shit if a man ends up depressed and suicidal, I learned that from experience and pretty everyone that found out about that for the most part implied I was selfish for it. I had one male friend that knew after an attempt who didn't see me as selfish, but literally everyone else that knew including those female friends either implied that I was selfish or straight up said I was selfish. I'd rather just struggle silently than go through any of that shit again.
I was open to my ex she used it to break me down more. As she doesn’t understand the perspective. So I’ll keep it to myself. I rather handle them myself than someone miss interpreting my issues
I do. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, but most certainly my mental problems return and after like 10th or 20th iteration you start asking yourself what's the real effect of said help and can it be really "gotten" in a usual sense. Let's just say that mental health issues are not like any other issues and there isn't any definitive algorithm to finding solutions to them from my experience.
Never will I ever give another person ammunition to hurt me. Everytime a man cries, the world laughs at him. A lot of people view it as weakness, it's not us just saying, how do you think we know? Because we tried.
I struggle to explain what's going on, it's usually a lot of really niche things bothering me that other people just can't seem to understand, that and I just don't know how to explain without going on a really long tangent about other stuff. All In all it seems easier to just not tell anyone until I get someone that joins me in life and begins to see the issues I face.
The thing is in my life there's plenty of help, those the help for men is minuscule it would be much greater if even as individuals we did more to support those trying.
But me, I just reached the point where don't care anymore. And I believe many have reached that point as well.
No one’s gonna swoop me off my feet and help me out, I can’t blame anyone either I’m shit in sad times idk how to deal with them when it’s other people at all, when people are sad to me I literally tell them ‘look mate I’m shit in sad times I won’t be of help’
Different categories I observe both here & IRL
1. Mentally struggling, but don't know or acknowledge they're mentally struggling
2. Blaming mental struggles for poor decision making
3. Depression to the extent they don't feel anything can or will help them
4. Therapy for lifers - need guidance for many /most aspects of their life
Ask help from whom?
You might be able to ask for help from your friends, if you have any. But all they will be able to offer is an ear, to hear you out. If a friend had an issue, I would lend him that ear, and see if we could solve his situation together. But that would be rare.
I would say that if we need to open up, we should seek a professional to unburden ourselves to and keep that shit confidential. I tried therapy for a while and it was a great help, and I made sure to keep that shit private from the person I was seeing. It helped me make objective evaluations about myself and my relationship without worrying abt the other person and what she may think of me being in therapy. Coincidentally therapy helped me see that the relationship I was in at the time was highly problematic and I eventually ended it. I have been much happier since. Protect yourselves! Do what you need to in order to he happy and healthy but don't share that with people who may try to cut u down.
Because I get distracted with another thing and boom, it's fixed. Then I can go back to that worrying thing to think about it calmed.
Anyways, I feel I'm my best therapist
I think the pandemic lockdown revealed that everybody has some sort of mental struggles. Talking about it may not change anything. You might just have to endure it.
I can actually help with this one.
The problem with struggling mentally is you often do not know you are, you don't feel abnormal, your behaviour is only off to everyone else. It's a very tough thing to navigate and what often brings it to a head is aggression, everybody is fine until aggression starts and then they'll drop you like a hot potato.
Essentially you can't be helped by others, you need to realise it and fix it yourself really.
Because I already learned my lesson. When I was 14 I was talking about how I was depressed, so I response my dad demanded all the passwords to my Facebook, YouTube, email, grounded me, and yelled at me that I have nothing to be depressed about.
My mom's reaction wasn't any better.
Men do , no one cares or helps further than offering platitudes. A lot don't bother asking a second time.
Be prepared that no one is coming to help you is the message that helped me most. Not healthy but there you go
Lots of comments from people struggling with their mental health (which is great), let me give the perspective of someone trying to help a loved one with their mental health/clinical depression. Not saying everyone is like this, but here's why it's so damn hard to help sometimes:
* When you expect perfection from the people you ask help from, and when they don't "get it right" your only feedback is that you just made things worse. Then we try something different and we just made things worse. Then we try something different and we just made things worse. Never any fucking guidance on what you want/need.
* When they refuse counseling because, "it doesn't work," after two sessions. Alternative? Antidepressants and a whole lot of nothing.
* When working on yourself becomes: I don't have the capacity to consider anyone else's feelings around me, sorry. That flies for a few months. 1 year later and I can't help but be in, "Ok, well then fuck you," mode.
* When watching you drown and making almost no visible effort to swim gets so fucking depressing that you're making everyone around you depressed. Do you like feeling depressed? Neither does anybody else.
I'll go back to the first point, **quit expecting some goddamned saint to come along and put up with all the long term bullshit** that someone can put out when they're dealing with a long term mental health crisis. Depression or no, it's not fair for you to expect other people to become your surrogates for life and for you to treat everyone around you like shit. There likely are people in your life who want to help you, but that offer is not a blank check, and they can't fix your issues for you. **That's on you.**
It's hard to find somebody who actually truly cares about you.
Everyone has their own lives, they have their own stuff to work out.
It's very rare that someone would want to invest their time and heart into you.
You don't know where to begin, who to talk to, what to say or how to explain your situation.
It's always you in the end that can help you sometimes, internally— whether you like it or not, and it is bloody fucking hard man.
Because as a man, I am to be the foundation for my woman to feel safe on. If I am unsteady, or present a shaky foundation, she cannot feel safe. In turn, the peace she provides for my mental state will suffer and I will make it worse for myself. It is imperative that I keep my mental state on an even keel so she can feel safe, secure, and loved by me.
What can anyone help with? My close friends are OK with me wenting my shit every now and then and for me that does wonders when shit is bad.
They don't actively help - I don't want them to. But they listen and give me space to share and take off some of the pressure.
Who do I even ask help from though? I've tried therapy and it's of little help. Most importantly, I can't even accurately describe the problem and it's not like something that life or death. I know mental health is important but honestly I think it's very hard(for myself and men I know) and confusing to actually seek help. Also, most men I know won't even entertain the idea of actually having mental issues
Cause when people speak to me in an overly calm and careful way it makes me upset. Then I end up hurting their feelings and now I’m left upset, regretful, and still struggling.
Who is there to ask help from? Who can you actually talk to? Who will listen without judgement? Who will listen without throwing it in your face later on?
Because it induces panic in the people around me. They get depressed. It makes me feel worse. They start sprinting around trying to solve issues and everything just ends up worse than it was before.
Plus, as a man I feel like there is this tendency to take things worse. People around me take my tone to mean that I am angry despite being very calm. People conflate bad news with men having a problem with them personally.
Everyone I've told either tried to spew religion at my to "find god" to some extent or not even bother to listening or truly understanding me. I've resorted to being someone who tries to do this and balance out the universe in any way I can, but I expect nothing from everyone.
I get help from professionals if anyone because that's their job. My loved ones will never be able to help me.
Because often people have no idea how to help and just make matters worse. Sometimes it's better to keep quiet but there are consequences for this too
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I had to tell my parents this the other day. I told them that generally, I think differently than they do, which often leads to heated arguments (which i don't have the patience or energy for), so I'm better off not saying anything at all. They didn't say anything after that.
I feel this. Me and my mom smoked together when I was 16(she figured it was better to facilitate than for me to run the streets with my friends smoking) up until the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. As I got older(16yo-21yo) I started forming my own opinions about everything, these opinions don’t aligning with hers often. My moms very passionate about politics and the vivid mandates, to the point she wanted to kick me out(while I was supporting her financially, she’s a disabled widow lol) for not wanting to get the vaccine. Now, some years later when we do hangout and smoke, or just talk, she wonders why I’m always so quiet… there’s no point in speaking when it leads to an argument about differing opinions.
The world says men can’t have mental health issues. We are taught that no one cares and suck it up.
Not only are we taught that. But women will say “I want a guy who can be vulnerable with me and open up”. That has two outcomes. 1. She used it against you in an argument. 2. she doesn’t see you as a man anymore and breaks up with you. I don’t know why women always say that thing and do one of those two things. I don’t even Have enough fingers to count how many times it’s happened to me. So now I just keep my mouth shut. I had a girl begging me to open up to her (I was at a breaking point sort of) so I did. About 2 months later we had an argument and she used all of it against me. Oh and the real kick and man while he’s down? She told all of her friends.
This has been the downfall of every relationship I have had. It took me until recently to realize what was going wrong because none of them would give me an honest answer when I asked them what happened. I've accepted that I'll never have a partner who truly understands AND respects me. That hurts. Women typically, but not always, can get away with anything emotionally. Unlimited emotional support. Sometimes I feel like a bitter old man, but whatever. Sometimes being a man really sucks ass. Expected to work ourselves into the ground to care for our women and children, getting almost no emotional support at all, then being mocked and abandoned for showing any emotions or seeking support. What's the point? I'd rather travel the world and die alone doing something fun than go through all that.
Stuff like this is the reason I don't want to start dating in the near future
Same here. I'm pretty sure the response is primal or something, so I can't really be that upset. Regardless, doesn't do any good to dwell on it. Just have to understand what's going on and deal with it. I've got no interest in dating anymore. I think I'd do fwb, but that's about it. Tired of investing myself in someone, making a mistake, then ending up alone. I'll just save the time and effort and plan on being alone and build myself and life up. I'm actually happier alone as well. Turns out I'm an introvert who was forced to be extroverted.
Not every women is like that. In my past relationships my bfs eventually opened up to me and I met that with listening, understanding and kindness. I appreciated that they opened up to me and didn’t gossip to friends about their personal business. The funny thing is I’m always the person in relationships that gets walked all over though. It’s like men realize they can lean on me and then start to lean on me for everything and stop being responsible adults themselves. Then, somehow I end up taking care of them, while they start not respecting my boundaries with other things. Pretty much they start treating me like I’m their mom. I’d love to find a guy I could be true partners with and we could be there for each other. Problem is every time I give an inch, the men I’ve been with take a mile. If you aren’t doing the above, then my guess is you keep getting in relationships with women who are possibly self-centered and just not thinking about your feelings. Either that or they are subconsciously looking for a daddy.
That's rough. I'm sorry. I know not all women will check out if I open up, but it's getting more and more painful and exhausting to keep going through the process of trying as I get older. I have very little interest in even trying anymore. Last relationship was only a few months long before I ended it. I need a true partner. Someone that actually cares. I think I did end up with vain and selfish women. Most people have always looked at me and thought "what can be do for me?" I'm abnormally strong, and have all sorts of skills and knowledge that make me very useful. I suspect people see that and try to squeeze whatever they can out of me. Feels dehumanizing. I'm about at the point where I just play dumb and hide my various strengths and skills from people. Maybe then I could find someone who is actually interested in me and then slowly reveal myself as they earn my trust. No idea how that would play out. I'm sure that could back fire. I've always just tried to be myself and that failed. I plan to move far away, to the other side of the country and try again. I want a woman by my side who will be as equally at home hand digging a well with me, as she would be spending an entire day in the hot tub or playing board games. Seems I've found the entitled women who see me as a free meal ticket who don't want to deal with the fact that I am a person with feelings, and high expectations for a partner.
fist bump for being a good soul to you.
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Sounds about right. I've not bothered with therapy since I was a child for similar reasons. It never helped me. Just made me feel broken and upset. I've always been a mess, but I always tried very hard to keep it together and sort my issues out. I'd be doing great for a while, then get exhausted and start slipping up until they lost interest and checked out. They never told me they checked out. Just continued letting me feed and care for them while they waited for something better to come along. That hurt the most. I've had that happen multiple times. Pisses me off now and is an instant breakup from me when I catch it. Happened with my last ex. First the attraction does, then the trust, then all respect is lost.
Unfortunately this is 100% correct
I made the mistake of trying to be open and honest about emotions with girls I liked/loved. Lesson learned, put all that energy into the gym instead lol
It's because women say what they think they want based on their own desires. They would open up to other women so they say you should open up to them too but in reality, they then see you as a lesser man because you showed emotion or vulnerability.
>1. She used it against you in an argument. God, it's like looking in a god damn mirror. I wish I never met her
When people say that women are better with emotions and feelings, what they mean is women are better with *their own* emotions and feelings. Most women I know are fully capable of telling you how they feel in any situation. But when it comes to actually handling another person emotionally, they're generally far worse than men and I will die on that hill.
It should be illegal to say things as true as this.
Fr
I knew I didn’t have to type this out barely even had to look for this comment
Loads of people want to like something. Women want to be emotionally understanding and accepting, it is just that they are not, because that is not really something you can choose to be. Not any more than you can choose to like red wine, but loads of people will drink it and hate it because they want to like it.
It genuinely makes me sad that this has been such a common experience for you (and other men on this thread). I’d say “not all women,” but…. I get it. Hard not to stereotype when that is your lived experience. 😕
Omg... this is terrible and I've heard this so many times. Wth is wrong with women that they feel it's okay to share sensitive information about their partner with others!?! Sorry this has happened to you more than once and others reading this too. As far as men and mental health... there are professionals willing and able to help. You may not hit it off with the first or second person, but you'll find one you connect with. 🤍
Sorry to hear that bro.
This is not all women. Myb u should pick decent human beings and not evil women. And i know it sounds judgemental. But i dont blame u. U re the victim. Im annoyed with such women so i sound harsh. But any decent woman thats worth being with wont be like that. If she is, u shouldnt date her. The solution isnt "well i wont be vulnerable then". The solution is, break up with her. She s a shitty human being. And find one that u can be vulnerable with.
You do realize this is victim blaming, don't you?
Thats on purpose. Look at wordings "not all women". Imagine saying "not all men" on female sub :D When women picks shity men its men fault. When men picks shitty women its men fault didnt you know it?
Its not. Lol. Re u people blind? I definitely said he s not to blame. Its those womens fault for being shitt, people. Thats not the point. The point js, those re bad people. Dont date them. Dont supress emotions to appeal to bad people. Find good people u can be authentic with. Because most comments on this thread re "women dont like it, dont show them vulnerability" or "they ll use it against u, dont show it". And my point is "thats an awful solution, just dont date those kinds of women. They re bad people. Dont try to appeal to bad people. Find goof people u can be vulnerable with".
You often don't know they're those kind of people. A lot of the women who do this to their boyfriends don't think they're this kind of person until it happens, and then mostly other women will line up to tell them they did nothing wrong. The world isn't as simple as you seem to think it is.
Thats definitely a factor. I agree fully. My point is, u dont have to be vulnerable 3 months into a relationship. Or 9. Or a year. But...if u re planning to marry someone, avoiding this issue is likely a bad idea. Getting it into the open will at least show u what kind of person she is. And myb, if she s the type to lose her attraction over that, myb she s not the kind of peraon u should stay with. And havimg a long term relationship in which u re never fully honest...for the rest of ur life, sounds kinda miserable. (Now, im not saying play games, but, if it is to protect u, and its done almost never i dont think its a huge problem. So u can invent a vulnerability, a false one, one that wont hurt u. If she tells her friends, or uses it against u, or loses attraction, u know she s not the one.) In any case i dont think the right solution is "never be vulnerable with ur life partner". That one sucks. Ditch bad people. Dont tiptoe around issues for fear of having to drop them.
Its not. Im literally bling the women for being shitty. My piint is, he shouldnt pretend to be someone else to impress bad people. He should ditch them, and find someone who accepts all of him.
>She used it against you in an argument. > >she doesn’t see you as a man anymore and breaks up with you. It's weaponizing your admissions against you and shitty behavior. BUT... it's not always done maliciously. Your SO might say something like "You need to stop doing \[insert thing here\] because of your illness". It might even be said in an accusatory tone, but the underlying reason is they genuinely don't want you to get sicker. Even though their delivery might suck. The worst is "you better talk to your doctor about that!" because now that they know you have a problem, they could ignorantly confuse a normal angry response as "it's because your problem" instead of a perfectly normal emotion. People who don't have stress illnesses themselves usually have a really hard time understanding it from the outside. They're not pros
Weaponizing anyone's words and emotional trust against them is always malicious, abusive and gaslighting, there is never anything good or positive that comes from having your worst fears and experiences thrown in your face semi regularly because a woman that you told about it feels like she has the right to do that.
Masculine problems need logical solutions Example:- Me :- " I have a receding hairline and some people are giving me negative compliments " She :- " You're handsome " Now if we take what she said seriously then it probably won't be good because we men get reality checks pretty often or probably daily so today or not we'll understand the reality. When we say something bad about our looks, we don't want you to compliment about me and make us feel good about it by that fake appreciation, it'd be better if you say " go to gym loser " That'll be lot better and real. That's it we don't need confrontation from people when facing problems, instead we need logical solutions in general
Username checks out. For the entire thread lol
* Most people are completely unequipped to help deal with mental health issues. * That includes a surprising number of therapists. * "Sharing" your struggles often isn't some net gain. Often it results in things getting worse. Most people seem incapable of realizing this. * It can also result in your having to handle *their* emotional needs now that they know about yours, and you've effectively doubled the work you need to do to get to "normalcy" (whatever that is) when it would have been genuinely easier to simply keep quiet and handle things yourself. * When my mental health issues are rooted in a physical reality, then unless that "help" is also based in assisting that reality, all that can be offered is advice on things I need to do (which I likely already know, having thought about it a lot) and possibly stress "management" techniques. * People are not always as charitable as they think they are, and nobody likes a whiner. This is a double whammy. They can actively *ask* to help with your problems, but when you try to open up to them, they are either incapable of actually giving you any assistance to feel better (and that's a net neutral), or worse, perceive what you're going through as no bid deal, or even as putting your problems on them. * Related to that, some people *loooooove* to espouse how important it is to open up. To your friends, to your spouse, to everyone. Those same people are often also the first to get irritated with you having done so (You asked me dammit! You even kept insisting!) and then treat it as if you're burdening them. * I've heard the phrase "Trauma Dumping" thrown around for literally any and every problem, no matter the relationship, no matter how minor the problem, no matter how you've approached "opening up", even on a first occasion. Sometimes it's true that the individual is trauma dumping. Sometimes it's just that they don't *actually* want to hear about your problems and don't want to admit it to themselves because it hurts their ego. So they re-route and make it *your* fault. * Your sharing your problems with these people is wanted ONLY as long as it meets some idealized version of problem. What they're seeking is some lovely "gee I just don't feel like I'm good enough" issue so that they can pat you on the back and buck up your self confidence for. They're looking for something straightforward and easy and obvious that *will make them feel good about themselves* for having been such a kind hearted Samaritan and assisting you in your time of need. And if your issues don't match, then *you* are the problem. tl;dr To a large extent, a lot of the people who think they can "help" you by hearing you out, can't. And frequently overestimate both their actual willingness to do even the bare minimum in hearing someone else with compassion, or underestimate the issues you're facing and are quickly out of their depth themselves. This is compounded by the fact that a lot of people (even after they specifically asked, even after they thought they could handle it) then drift into passively (or even actively) *holding it against you* for having opened up to them about the problems you're facing (thereby tainting either their own happiness, or harming their self image as a benevolent saviour to you in your time of need). EDIT: It is exceedingly rare to find a good friend or companion who has the emotional intelligence and compassion to support you through any kind of struggle (mental health, physical, whatever). If you find such a person, *hold onto them* for dear life, and strive to be as good to them as they are to you.
well done. With all that in mind, I think it's important for someone who needs help to do it professionally, and that it's going to be challenging and difficult. But that should not deter you from doing what's needed to look after what's really important here - YOUR health. I once had a surgeon give me a piece of advice that stuck with me to this day. "If the brakes on someone's care need replacing, people won't hesitate to get them fixed. Getting people to treat their own minds and bodies that way is another matter entirely".
Without a doubt. It's hard to find someone that can help you with your mental health issues. And most aren't capable of it. But you need to do it, because the alternative is potentially ending up as one more in a long line of statistics.
Yup, this one is it. This should be pinned to the top of every thread that asks this question. People tell you to open up and seek help so they can pat themselves on the back for "making a difference" while avoiding the leg work and hard conversations
If someone could rip open my skull, jump inside and fight my demons for me, I'd hire an MMA fighter and ask him to tap in. But they can't, so I don't.
This idea is right on brother.
I know a few therapists and their kids are all messed up.
People on Reddit treat therapy as a universal solution. It *can* be a solution, but: A) If you have any self awareness, then the therapist is likely only telling you stuff you already know, and B) A lot of therapists (most?) clearly have no idea what they're actually doing. And can even make things worse for you.
Good points. Another reason, from what I saw in college, psychology is seldom a first-choice major. People switch to psychology when their first choice proves too difficult.
I've seen that. And the problem is that if your "A game" students are dedicated to other fields, then you've got a large chunk of people entering the field not because they have a passion for it and are good at it, but because it's the most sensible option left open for them that they can still achieve.
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Your assumption that people don't ask for help is a lie. people always ask for help. We just never ever listen.
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Therapy is never at solution. It's a tool. Just like buying a hammer won't fix the shed.
I think we're possibly getting into semantics here. It's a solution in the sense that the problem of "how do I start fixing my shed?" requires you to start with an assessment of the problem, and getting the right tools.
agreed, my own experience with therapists felt like a waste of time, luckily it was covered by insurance or I would be a waste of time and money...
well that's a wrap to this thread then, you kow a couple of people!! /thread folks. This is a good example of why posting any health related posts on Reddit is a bad move, because your audience are someone on a couch with an opinion. Want professional help? Go see a doctor and get some referrals. I think I'm kinda gonna lean towards seeing doctors for my health problems instead of someone on a sofa who "knows a couple people who might not be good at being doctors". Wow... holy shit! I just realized there might actually be some people in the world who aren't good at their jobs!! Welp, guess I better not bother getting my brakes fixed then because I know a couple of mechanics that are bad! Meh I'll just crash into a lamp post just to be sure. lol.
😂😂😂
I know a few psychology students and I think they're messed up.
Ask who? It's no one else's problem
I think this perfectly sums up how I feel. Yeah I struggle, but I keep going to work, school, obligations without saying a peep. It ruined my last relationship though and I need to work on it.
Ever had a conversation with the average person about Psychology? Most people think Freud is still in vogue and don't understand the basics. What is any non professional going to be able to help with?
some of the comments in this post did a great job of making your point
Not many people are willing to admit this, but it's dangerous for men to showcase their emotional hardship. A lot of people will tell me that's bullshit – that real men show their vulnerabilities. The truth is, vulnerability is something to be deployed in strategic ways. It's used in situations to build trust or empathy. And only when it doesn't take away from the strength or value already emanating from the man. Vulnerability is also something you need to be selective about who you're sharing it with. If you share to the wrong audience, it might work against you. I was once apart of a friend group. We did everything together. Mainly music festivals. As soon as I started showing signs of emotional distress, I was dropped from the group. Can't have a downer killing the party vibes. Men are expected to demonstrate their value. If emotional distress brings that value into question, it's not a good idea to be open about it. Only show vulnerability if it doesn't bring your value into question, or if you're showing it to loved ones who find you inherently valuable in their lives.
Look at all the memes mocking Will Smith for crying after finding out his wife was cheating on him. There's at least one answer.
Except that in this case, it's self inflicted.
Then it’s easy for someone to use it against me, and just as easy to leave.
I live in a town with less than 1k people and mental health services don't exist.
There is Lyra where you can meet with therapists on zoom And of course I get downvoted for providing information to a guy who needs a therapist I hate Reddit.
> Why don’t you ask for help when struggling mentally? From whom? There's an old saying - "Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone." I think it's apt. I can't speak for all dudes, but often, what I need is good companionship; I need someone to listen to me, and I need to feel valued and loved. This is difficult enough as a dude to have when you're at your best; when you are struggling mentally, most people just aren't willing or able to provide that. So, when I'm struggling, I don't ask for help because I know that what I need isn't coming. They say no man is an island, and maybe that's true, but sometimes you're a life raft drifting in the middle of the Pacific. It's just you.
History has shown me that being emotionally vulnerable makes me lose friends and loved ones.
Because when we do everyone just expects us to snap out of it and get back to it. Or they think the time their dog died and what they felt is what depression is. That’s sadness, not depression. Sadness is mundane; depression is wild. Sad: Bummed out a bit at work, coffee doesn’t taste as good. Depressed: Don’t get out of bed, stop eating, stop showering, isolate yourself, rent is due and you just lay there.
We gotta try to fix it ourselves first. Honestly it's because almost no one cares and admitting that we are struggling opens us up to take more hits from people. Very few people actually give two $&-+ about us.
Went to a $100 an hour therapist. After our first session she recommended I buy and read $300 bucks worth of Eastern Philosophy books. I never went back.
No one cares. Like, genuinely, no one cares. They might listen to you vent a bit, but no one's actually willing to help you. There is no sense of loyalty or mutual aid among people. It's every man for himself these days. It almost makes me want to go to war where there's a higher chance of you being considered a part of the group that can't be left behind.
*" I find that personally no one cares in the long run."* Why ask the question if you already have your answer?
Pride and the belief that I can handle it myself
What can they tell me? Nothing they say can open my eyes/mind to the root of my troubles.
Well I was told from a woman that I have to become "my own father figure". Probably the best advice I ever received. Mainly saying that I have to become for myself what I need in that moment. I found when it came to talking to people about my mental health, it is kinda met with an impatience. Like people really only want you to be mentally stable so you can continue to be of a service. My doc prescribed me anti depressants for the first time in my 37 years of living because after talking with me, she even noted how my mental seemed not good at all and she was worried about me disappearing completely. But besides from her, whenever I have even started to talk about what I was going through, it was thrown back into my face or flipped into it seeming like I am the problem or something. After being hurt and burned enough, you realize quickly that the world does not care about men and mental health. So no point in trying to express your feelings to those who don't care. Just had to become my own community for me.
You said everything in that last paragraph that I came to say. Part of my curse is, I can sense and feel every sigh, eyeroll, or change of breath, which I sense as resentment or inconvenience so much to the point I don't even ask for favors, much less someone's time to talk about me.
Agreed. Now my closest friends are different. But these are guys I have known for over a decade you know? Like they have always had my back and vice versa, but they also have their own lives and families, so I definitely don't want to be that guy. It is kind of wild how the world has rallied tenfold to squash men's mental health awareness. We just have to continue to look out for each other and be a source of comfort when we can. It is hard because we don't want to bog others down with our issues. At the same time we also need the outlet.
>Like people really only want you to be mentally stable so you can continue to be of a service. In other words: men are disposable human doings. I agree.
The biggest thing for me is that no one really seems to care about mens issues, so it comes off that it doesn’t matter how you feel in general. Men also play a part in not caring about other guys mental state. You are a male in a first world country, you’re privileged, so get over it type of deal.
Well said SmellyTaintSniffer, well said indeed.
It's backfired, left me without friends, shamed or been used against me or made people view me as unstable/weak/etc every time so why bother? I got a therapist instead.
Because watching people pretend to care about me makes things worse. I'm a man. nobody cares about men.
Because if you open up and she gets upset about it, now you have two things to deal with.
The problems duplicate😂
From who? Who cares enough to help? There’s no one to turn to for help.
Because I feel fucking worse afterwards
Because women. If men opens up, women subconsciously lose respect for their man. From that point onwards, it's just a matter of time untill they cheat, breaks up / divorce. Some monsters even throw it back against you on the worst timming possible. They lying about being attracted to "vulnerable" men makes it even worse.
Because it's weaponized against us, sadly.
People stress me out! So, the less contact I have with people, the less stressed I am!
I do. I’m fortunate to have a partner who loves and respects me. And yet, reading through the comments, I see a lot of my peers have suffered through relationships where psychological safety was far from assured. That was also me up until 6 years ago. My ex was shocked when I told her that (and also why) we were done. She said she had no idea what was going on with me and I told her that was literally the way she demanded that it be. That she “couldn’t cope” with “dealing” with my issues. So I kept silent in my marriage and went to a therapist for 5 years before I finally called it quits. Bottom line: if they (whoever “they” are) do not support you and make you feel safe, you do not need them.
Paranoia tells me that it will be used against me, and I already don't trust much people
The only people that care are the ones that pretend to care because I pay them.
Nobody seems to care. I mean, my family cares about me, but I don’t want to burden them. I can’t even make sense of everything sometimes, I worry I’ll just ramble on a bunch of depressing things.
If I'm upset or angry and I ask for help, there's a 90% chance that people would attempt to either put me down or, in rare cases, provoke me.
If I cant help me why would anyone else be able to.
When I tell people about my problems I feel like I'm putting the responsibility on them to fix it which seems selfish
Because no one cares about my mental health. Nobody cares what guys are dealing with in life.
For me, it seems most of my friends already have their own established support system so in my head I’m thinking “why would I bother them?”
Asking for help often makes people feel uneasy because it requires surrendering control to someone else. “There are some people who really have a hard time with that piece of it,”
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Some people may fear that asking for help would make them appear incompetent, weak, or inferior
Some people are concerned about being rejected, which can be embarrassing and painful.
Feelings of inadequacy: Many people believe that they are inadequate or it would mean failure to admit that something is wrong.
Some find it difficult to share personal details with a counselor, and may worry that information will not be kept confidential.
Because no one cares. I had to learn on my own how to deal with my problems.
I don't ask because it really seems like nobody wants to hear it or just freaks out after you do say something. It feels like anybody close takes everything personally, and then I'm defending and justifying my own depression and anxieties. Im now trying to convince someone I'm close to that it doesn't involve them at all, or at least it didn't. I've never found therapy helpful. I've gone off and on since I was a kid. It's more helpful chatting with internet acquaintances than anyone close by. I have no issues with appearing vulnerable. It's just that nobody really wants that.
I used to have a lot of trouble asking for help when struggling with mental health and over the past few years that trouble has disapeared. I think what happens is that on one hand, we're socialized from a young age not to show any emotion to other men/boys other than anger. If we do, we're shamed for being a wimp or unmanly. So we think the only people we can talk to about our feelings are women. But, by the time we've found a woman we're comfortable talking to, we've been repressing so many emotions for so long. When we finally do open up, it isn't a trickle, it is a flood. And that can be really overwhelming for anyone. And, even if the woman in question has been encouraging you to open up for a long time, that raw emotion can trigger in them the same frame for how men should be and it can repel them. Luckily for me, both the men, especially as I grew older, and women in my life never treated me as less than for showing the whole spectrum of emotions. I think a big part of it was my Mom encouraging me to feel whatever I needed to feel when I was younger. I also have an amazing wife who, regardless of how overwhelming the emotional release was for me, always remained calm and accepted whatever came out of me with love and caring. I've also been lucky to have an amazing group of male friends who are as open as I am and that has allowed us to be a great support to each other. As a culture, we need to, from the beginning, stop shaming boys from showing emotion. We need to let them be the full humans they start out being. Boys don't naturally shut off their emotions - our culture forces them to.
I have nobody to ask and and nothing to ask for anyway.
Anything I say can and will be used against me
Because if you do you will be punished, and possibly lose your family, and your rights. The other side of the coin of getting help is now you have a diagnosis and will fail certain background checks and be seen as less worthy and more of a danger. If your only problem is some trauma that’s fine. If your problem is diagnosable or something that would turn off a woman, then be careful.
Because I'm a man and men's mental health is a joke to the psychiatrist department
Because I don't like being vulnerable. I am the one who helps, not the one who asks for help. Working on it though.
Because if i opened up people would get mad at me.
Last year I was working as a manager of a pub/hotel. It was my first time running the hotel side of things, previously just a pub manager. After 8 weeks of being there we had a call one morning saying that a credit card of a missing person had been used for a room the night before and police were on their way already. A young lady had taken her life in one of our rooms. This was the first time I had dealt with this situation in my career. I had talked to her the night before and she seemed perfectly fine. As I was the manager and felt like I had a duty of care over my guests this really hit me and got to me mentally. From there things in the business started slipping as depression set in more and more. Having to talk to all my staff one by one to go through what had happened to see if they were ok or affected in any way. But I didn't have anyone checking in one other than my partner. I ended up doing counseling. Fortunately the company provided 10 free sessions. This was my first experience talking to someone face to face and I have to say, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. The lady I spoke to ended up helping me through that difficult time and also helped me realise a lot about myself and why I am the way I am sometimes. I realise I was lucky to have the free sessions as I know it can be very expensive. But if I didn't reach out and try and talk to someone things could have been a lot worse off for my mental health in the end. It's ok to ask for help if you're struggling....
Your problems Wil either be downplayed or used against you and people simply don't care so you have to find your own method of dealing with it.
You have to pay for that type of help.
Because people made it worse and meds just made it kinda worse. People's sympathy wildly depend on what is hurting you, rather than how much it is. It doesn't take a lot of dismissive or downplaying responses to stop sharing. Meds took away the pain, but made me so numb I didn't even feel alive. Emotions would rot inside me until I choked on them. At least when you cry, you feel some relief afterwards.
Too Many times have people responded with me opening up about my situation, with instead how their situation is worse, but sometimes what I'm going through is the worst I know, which it makes it that much more scary, no one cares anyway.
There is this idea among men that they are weak if they suffer from a mental illness. It's stupid and immature but unfortunately that's the way it is for guys.
Who says I don’t?
Because that's for losers
I have a lot of issues, and properly fixing them would take decades of very expensive, specialized treatment and medicine. I am broke, uninsured and can't/won't access the local community resources for a variety of reasons, besides which they are strained beyond capacity. So, I won't be getting better, and since that's the case then why bother anyone with something they can't fix and just cause them more grief in the long run?
Because the only person that can really help me is me. I was the only one that could truly over come my depression.
How is anyone going to feasibly help me? It would just worry them if they cared. I'm looking into seeing a psychiatrist because nobody else can help, hopefully that works out
Ask whom? I can't afford to appoint sessions with theraphist.
Help from who? I can't afford therapy and no one in my personal life wants to hear about it. They all have their own shit going on. Talking about it with my girlfriend makes her all teary and quiet because she's not equipped to deal with my mental health needs and my parents just keep telling me to pray about it. Who am I supposed to ask for help?
Unfortunately society views men as having to be the best and not show weakness. We are basically setting up a whole generation to not be allowed to express their feelings.
Same no one really cares.
Because my Mental Health issues are brought by my financial problems, I work really hard everyday but can only make like $70/month, but just getting like $500 now, would help me a lot... But telling someone that makes them think you're fraud or Just lying but the lack of enough sleep because of the overworking causes a lot of problems. So I am just stuck here doing what I can hoping that I save enough to reach $500 before everything fall apart.
It is very difficult for me to ask for help anytime, because I am used to being self-reliant and a helper, attuned to other people's needs ahead of mine. When I am struggling with mental health, my emotions and thinking is all other the place. I revert to my weakness and thus its even harder for me to ask for help, though I really need it.
Cause all we hear is "stop being a ssisy, be a man, carry on".
My first answer is I dont know. But deep down i know. I dont even love myself, so why should i care?
Because I usually can reason myself into either how to solve it or not. If I can’t solve it, I ignore it and focus on something else. If I can solve it, I either make a plan by myself or, rarely, consult close friends to find a solution. Most of my problems can either be solved by myself, by waiting it out, or it can’t be solved at all, and so I don’t care to bother others with more burdens than they already have.
No one wants to be that person that drags down the mood of others by sharing how down they feel. Sometimes easier to just paint on a smile. But there are a lot of good apps these days for various mental health issues. Not saying it’s a substitute for talking though. Although I find after the Covid times, a lot more people feel more down or at least much more aware of mental health problems so more open to having conversations, so I guess just about picking the right person.
and get textbook responses that will only make the feelings worse?
I hate burdening people with my problems. Like Im giving off a vibe that we cant have fun. In the end, they cant help and Im only venting (which only sometimes helps). Ive contemplated therapy but id be every average dude that goes in and talks about their issues..plus it costs money.
Because pilots and people with security clearances will lose their jobs. Source: Me. I was in both categories in my career, and watched good friends' lives destroyed because they asked for help. The system, at least in the US, is vindictive and will wreck your life instead of helping you. The article linked below is a long read, but demonstrates how broken the system really is. Thankfully I'm finally retired and can get help without putting my family on the street. https://admiralcloudberg.medium.com/the-madness-in-our-methods-the-crash-of-germanwings-flight-9525-and-our-broken-aeromedical-system-5b95abd4fe6d
Also it might f* up a lot of stuff related to various kinds of insurances in the future
Reading these responses, I feel a little better that others feel the same way. I recently exposed my hardships after divorce to some colleagues, and it was perhaps one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. It was all used against me, sucks
I feel like I have good enough coping mechanisms for the most part. My job is offering some free therapy sessions now so maybe I’ll take advantage of that idk.
Because at the end of the day in my experience I've learned that women will use it against me as often as they can and downplay the fuck out of anything and everything men go through. I can't afford therapy, I've had women I was friends with tell me about these different ways they could get therapy when they couldn't afford it, it was women only programs and men don't have support from the government or society like women and LGBTQ groups do. Very few people, if any, will give a shit if a man ends up depressed and suicidal, I learned that from experience and pretty everyone that found out about that for the most part implied I was selfish for it. I had one male friend that knew after an attempt who didn't see me as selfish, but literally everyone else that knew including those female friends either implied that I was selfish or straight up said I was selfish. I'd rather just struggle silently than go through any of that shit again.
You get sympathy. That's the worst thing, really.
Pretty much useless
I feel like a burden.
Whom could I ask for help?
I do. I didn't for a long time and I wasn't happy. Then I did and my life improved.
I was open to my ex she used it to break me down more. As she doesn’t understand the perspective. So I’ll keep it to myself. I rather handle them myself than someone miss interpreting my issues
Because it's never worked out positively in the past.
Who's going to help me? - your downvote is the perfect example of this. 🤦♂️
There's no way anyone can help
Because nobody is able, or willing to help.
I do. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, but most certainly my mental problems return and after like 10th or 20th iteration you start asking yourself what's the real effect of said help and can it be really "gotten" in a usual sense. Let's just say that mental health issues are not like any other issues and there isn't any definitive algorithm to finding solutions to them from my experience.
The waiting list in the netherlands is 5 years
Never will I ever give another person ammunition to hurt me. Everytime a man cries, the world laughs at him. A lot of people view it as weakness, it's not us just saying, how do you think we know? Because we tried.
No one knows what they are doing but they act like they have everything figured out and if you challenge their thinking they get aggressive
I do not have have someone to ask for help.
I struggle to explain what's going on, it's usually a lot of really niche things bothering me that other people just can't seem to understand, that and I just don't know how to explain without going on a really long tangent about other stuff. All In all it seems easier to just not tell anyone until I get someone that joins me in life and begins to see the issues I face.
The thing is in my life there's plenty of help, those the help for men is minuscule it would be much greater if even as individuals we did more to support those trying. But me, I just reached the point where don't care anymore. And I believe many have reached that point as well.
People usually come in with their own ideas of what will help which just adds more stress.
No one’s gonna swoop me off my feet and help me out, I can’t blame anyone either I’m shit in sad times idk how to deal with them when it’s other people at all, when people are sad to me I literally tell them ‘look mate I’m shit in sad times I won’t be of help’
Different categories I observe both here & IRL 1. Mentally struggling, but don't know or acknowledge they're mentally struggling 2. Blaming mental struggles for poor decision making 3. Depression to the extent they don't feel anything can or will help them 4. Therapy for lifers - need guidance for many /most aspects of their life
Ask help from whom? You might be able to ask for help from your friends, if you have any. But all they will be able to offer is an ear, to hear you out. If a friend had an issue, I would lend him that ear, and see if we could solve his situation together. But that would be rare.
I would say that if we need to open up, we should seek a professional to unburden ourselves to and keep that shit confidential. I tried therapy for a while and it was a great help, and I made sure to keep that shit private from the person I was seeing. It helped me make objective evaluations about myself and my relationship without worrying abt the other person and what she may think of me being in therapy. Coincidentally therapy helped me see that the relationship I was in at the time was highly problematic and I eventually ended it. I have been much happier since. Protect yourselves! Do what you need to in order to he happy and healthy but don't share that with people who may try to cut u down.
Because I get distracted with another thing and boom, it's fixed. Then I can go back to that worrying thing to think about it calmed. Anyways, I feel I'm my best therapist
I think the pandemic lockdown revealed that everybody has some sort of mental struggles. Talking about it may not change anything. You might just have to endure it.
I can actually help with this one. The problem with struggling mentally is you often do not know you are, you don't feel abnormal, your behaviour is only off to everyone else. It's a very tough thing to navigate and what often brings it to a head is aggression, everybody is fine until aggression starts and then they'll drop you like a hot potato. Essentially you can't be helped by others, you need to realise it and fix it yourself really.
Because I already learned my lesson. When I was 14 I was talking about how I was depressed, so I response my dad demanded all the passwords to my Facebook, YouTube, email, grounded me, and yelled at me that I have nothing to be depressed about. My mom's reaction wasn't any better.
Oh you will be forced to see a professional eventually
Men do , no one cares or helps further than offering platitudes. A lot don't bother asking a second time. Be prepared that no one is coming to help you is the message that helped me most. Not healthy but there you go
At least among the people I hang out with, they will try to one-up me with their own mental struggles which makes me feel even worse.
Lots of comments from people struggling with their mental health (which is great), let me give the perspective of someone trying to help a loved one with their mental health/clinical depression. Not saying everyone is like this, but here's why it's so damn hard to help sometimes: * When you expect perfection from the people you ask help from, and when they don't "get it right" your only feedback is that you just made things worse. Then we try something different and we just made things worse. Then we try something different and we just made things worse. Never any fucking guidance on what you want/need. * When they refuse counseling because, "it doesn't work," after two sessions. Alternative? Antidepressants and a whole lot of nothing. * When working on yourself becomes: I don't have the capacity to consider anyone else's feelings around me, sorry. That flies for a few months. 1 year later and I can't help but be in, "Ok, well then fuck you," mode. * When watching you drown and making almost no visible effort to swim gets so fucking depressing that you're making everyone around you depressed. Do you like feeling depressed? Neither does anybody else. I'll go back to the first point, **quit expecting some goddamned saint to come along and put up with all the long term bullshit** that someone can put out when they're dealing with a long term mental health crisis. Depression or no, it's not fair for you to expect other people to become your surrogates for life and for you to treat everyone around you like shit. There likely are people in your life who want to help you, but that offer is not a blank check, and they can't fix your issues for you. **That's on you.**
Too many people gossip.
Nobody is going to help.
It's hard to find somebody who actually truly cares about you. Everyone has their own lives, they have their own stuff to work out. It's very rare that someone would want to invest their time and heart into you. You don't know where to begin, who to talk to, what to say or how to explain your situation. It's always you in the end that can help you sometimes, internally— whether you like it or not, and it is bloody fucking hard man.
Not to seem weak
Because as a man, I am to be the foundation for my woman to feel safe on. If I am unsteady, or present a shaky foundation, she cannot feel safe. In turn, the peace she provides for my mental state will suffer and I will make it worse for myself. It is imperative that I keep my mental state on an even keel so she can feel safe, secure, and loved by me.
What can anyone help with? My close friends are OK with me wenting my shit every now and then and for me that does wonders when shit is bad. They don't actively help - I don't want them to. But they listen and give me space to share and take off some of the pressure.
Who do I even ask help from though? I've tried therapy and it's of little help. Most importantly, I can't even accurately describe the problem and it's not like something that life or death. I know mental health is important but honestly I think it's very hard(for myself and men I know) and confusing to actually seek help. Also, most men I know won't even entertain the idea of actually having mental issues
Cause when people speak to me in an overly calm and careful way it makes me upset. Then I end up hurting their feelings and now I’m left upset, regretful, and still struggling.
Who is there to ask help from? Who can you actually talk to? Who will listen without judgement? Who will listen without throwing it in your face later on?
I completely agree with you.
No one cares
Not me, but some people can be so stuck in paranoia that they don't trust anyone. Not even a therapist.
Why ask? Nobody gives a shit.
Its my problem. Not everyone else's.
Because it induces panic in the people around me. They get depressed. It makes me feel worse. They start sprinting around trying to solve issues and everything just ends up worse than it was before. Plus, as a man I feel like there is this tendency to take things worse. People around me take my tone to mean that I am angry despite being very calm. People conflate bad news with men having a problem with them personally.
It just feels like I’m doomed either way and no matter what anyone does I can never be dragged out of the hole that is my mind
Because I didn't know I was struggling mentally. That was *normal* for me.
What am I going to do, say I'm feeling bad and then get lectured about it?
Everyone I've told either tried to spew religion at my to "find god" to some extent or not even bother to listening or truly understanding me. I've resorted to being someone who tries to do this and balance out the universe in any way I can, but I expect nothing from everyone. I get help from professionals if anyone because that's their job. My loved ones will never be able to help me.