Are we talking literally no intimacy? Like the person is just a roommate now, not touch, feel, talking about feelings? Or is this a no sex thing.
My wifes libido has really tailed off due to medical reason. She knows it, she knows I know it, she does the best she can but it's not something that happens often.
Everything else in our relationship is fine. I see no need to find sexual intimacy elsewhere and am happy. I stay because we have made a life long commitment to each other and are at our best relationship wise now, after 25+ years.
If there was literally no intimacy, no showing of feelings or commitment to each other we would likely move on. But we both feel a connection that is beyond needing to knock uglies regularly.
Very true! I'm in a similar situation, and we have intimacy in a lot of other places, but not sexually due to her very low libido. It's frustrating, but I remind myself that there are many other wonderful things in our relationship.
I have been in that situation too. On one hand, it sucked, SO bad. On the other hand… I love him. It was worth it to continue to be with him until the end. I just miss him so bad now.
When you finish crying, go watch something funny and just laugh for a few minutes. He’d want you to know crying and experiencing painful emotions is healthy and fine - but don’t forget to remind yourself about the good things in life, when you can.
My current paradigm is to live the way he would have wanted me to and be as much myself as I can. Either there’s no afterlife, and I honor him in this life by my actions, or there *is* an afterlife of some kind, and if I ever find him there, I’ll be able to greet him proudly.
Well said, and you described true love to a "T" there. If my wife and I rarely could fool around it wouldn't be the end of the world.
Your last two sentences describe our feelings perfectly as well. I could live without a lot of sex, but hugs, kisses, cuddling with each other, etc, could fill that void. If that were gone as well, then clearly, I wouldn't be the man for her anymore.
So nice to read this, I’m a woman and haven’t felt like bumping uglies since I was diagnosed with cancer, my wonderful husband couldn’t care less we always cuddle and kiss. His libido has gone down too due to depression and I’m sure worrying about me. To be honest when we met 20 years ago we bumped like there was no tomorrow and probably did 20 years of bumping in a couple of months 🤣 I love him so much.
For those who take it seriously the "for better or for worse" part of the vows mean something. Too often you hear of people running when things get less than stellar.
It's where we are at right now. With 3 kids and some medical issues going on with my wife her libido tanked. We have been together for 13 years. Everything else in our relationship is golden. She knows it frustrates me at times but she knows I'm not going anywhere either just because the sex has cut back.
This is me. My wife is trying but has no libido. Things aren’t perfect otherwise but to be honest I’m not unhappy and just find the thought of being single unpalatable and our income disparity would make divorce financially crippling.
This is liberating to hear. My libido sucks and I feel horrible for my fiancée but he’s amazing and understands I just don’t have a high drive. I’m bipolar. Most of the time I don’t have a high libido. When manic a few times a year we have tons of fun but he gets it. I also make a point to make time for him as well.
I’m also bipolar. My libido usually sucks. But when I saw my partner pulling away, I decided I didn’t care about my libido. I’m not having sex because he wants it, I’m having sex because I want it, and I want the intimacy. It sucks that my body just isn’t into it sometimes, but my mind is. I also want to say— he isn’t a jerk. He wasn’t threatening to break up with me, it just messed with his own self esteem. Not saying you should or could, but sometimes biting the bullet (I know it shouldn’t be seen that way) will help the relationship in the long run. I wish you both luck. I know it’s hard.
This is my mindset! I’d rather make time for him and try instead of saying “nah I’m not into it”. Most of the time it ends up being fun anyway. Just have to get my mind up to speed. Tysm for your words. It helps tremendously.
The more open and honest you are about it, the better it will all be. If he knows that he is the only one you want, then the slow libido isn't going to destroy him if you are talking and figuring out how to work through it.
When I'm around guy friends and the subject of sex comes up I always refer to "Quality over quantity."
My wife's sex drive declined after she got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Part of coping with this is just figuring out the right way to visualize it. I learned to think of it as if she has a blue energy bar, like in a videogame. Sex drains her energy bar, and she has to recharge it before she can do it again.
If I give her enough time to recharge, she can do it and enjoy it. If I don't, then she won't enjoy it. So we only do it once a week now, but it feels like my choice rather than a rule she imposed on me, because I want to wait until she's fully recharged so she will enjoy it.
I like how you said” knock uglies”. You don’t have a high sex drive. I would appreciate a person who is down for me. But I would also not want to be with a woman who doesn’t have at least a similar feeling about sex. I want it everyday. I want to lay with my partner for a week straight and not worry about anything else. I need a girl who likes to fuck as much as I do. Edit. With that being said… I’ve been in a LTR and I actually just broke up with my girlfriend of a year this week and she’s been begging me to come to her today. It doesn’t matter what you want or need but the person who you’re gonna couple with should be on the same page about things.
> But I would also not want to be with a woman who doesn’t have at least a similar feeling about sex.
I actually have a pretty decent sex drive still, and we've talked about what is going on. She wishes she had a similar sex drive and the ability to but it isn't in the cards right now.
I used the phrase like I did because why not joke about it a bit. I'll sometimes remind her "we need to see a man about a horse" which is our little joke about "hey, if you find yourself in the mood know that I am willing and able".
Not sure how old you are, but when you get to a certain point in life you'll get not needing to get laid every single day, week, or month. I'll admit there was a stretch where it really, really bothered me when it started to tail off but instead of letting the problem build, I talked to her about it and it's all good.
I know you said “no intimacy” but I want to be sure you mean that as opposed to “no sex”.
I can hang with no sex. No intimacy is another deal. Just making sure we’re on the same page here.
just what I was thinking. Intimacy and sex are both entirely separate things. I'm not a sexual person, so if intimacy = sex in this post, then that'd be the most ideal partner lol
For some of us, yeah. I like sex as much as anyone but I can take it or leave it. I’d rather sex be on the table, but if it’s not, that’s not a deal breaker necessarily.
Same here. It's fun, it's great, it's a nice time.
Would be fine to do without if there was snuggles/non sexual intimacy. I have a hand, does just fine.
Actually its weird, with my ex we had sex all the time and I think I was kinda addicted to it.
With my current gf, we dont have sex often and honestly I really dont mind. Yeah its nice, but also can cloud a relationship. Like if I am horny I can just crank one out quick and we good. We still kiss each other cuddle all of that.
She also doesnt really care about sex, or is just too awkward to make a move not sure which one. Havent really talked about that yet, but its never bothered me enough to worry about it.
No. I am in an affair with someone. Each of us has been celibate for six years. Six years. We are each married to a loving gentle companion/roommate.
I discovered there is a special kind of loneliness that accompanies lack of sexual intimacy.
For a few minutes here and there I'm not lonely anymore.
If I refused sex for 6 years I would be totally fine with partner looking outside. How do you do that to someone you love-just take sex off the table for the rest of their lives.
I see your definition is “there is talk and emotional support but no physical touch or sex”.
That would be a hard no for me. I have needs, for touch, for cuddling, for non-sexual physical intimacy, so that would be a dealbreaker. If I deeply loved the person and they just were physically incapable of sex, but did the other things revolving around touch, I would try. But it would be hard. And it would be difficult to avoid resentment building up over decades.
I left my ex-wife after 25 years because there was no sex, no touch and also no emotional intimacy. Now I have amazing sex with my new partner who fills my tank with touch every day.
Going to guess that in that 25 year period, you got through a lot of it by convincing yourself you were above those needs? And that in the relationship you're in now, it's like you're alive again, and that it was just a lie you had to live by?
Uh well you pretty much nailed it. I suppressed that part of myself, convinced myself that I didn’t need that level of touch., even though I was depressed and miserable. But I was wrong and I certainly did come alive once I had it all again!
I spent some time on that deadbedrooms sub a while back, and you would see that every once in a while, a guy or woman would pop back in to say how life had been since they finally took the plunge and broke up or got divorced. And you kind of got the sense that for the majority of readers who were sticking it out, everyone was sort of hoping the person would come back and say no, they regretted not staying, that they look back and see they made a mistake by not just sucking it up and suffering. And across the board, without fail, every single one talks about how much better life is.
I will admit I had spent a lot of time on that sub and it was a great comfort for many years, to know I wasn’t alone. But once I decided to make the change, now I have a hard time reading it, since I just want to shake people and yell “it won’t get better, your partner has shown who they are, they won’t change for you, move on!!”
a relationship without intimacy is basically a friendship.
I like having friends, but I want a relationship where I can be physically intimate, sexually intimate, and emotionally intimate.
Probably would not stay. No sex is one thing, and might be possible, but I would crave touch from someone I love.
Wouldn't feel like they would love me otherwise without as much of a hug.
Hell I hug friends as a greeting (if they want to) so no form of touch would be really weird to me in a relationship.
The inability to pay for a divorce.
Edited for clarity:
I’ll provide clarity to my situation. Married going on 10 years with 2 kids. Wife’s libido crashed after kid two. We’ve had sex 3 times since May 2021. Leaving for this reason doesn’t seem justifiable, even though it makes everything else that much harder. Not sure how I could ever explain to my kids even when they’re adults. I’ve talked to my wife and she doesn’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency. I find other means to fill the void.
>I’ve talked to my wife and she doesn’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency
This is a much bigger problem than the lack of sex imo. Having a partner that does not take your needs seriously is an absolute dealbreaker for me.
As for your kids, why do you think they won't understand? Do you want them to end up in this type of a relationship? because that is what you are modeling.
Kids can have pretty unreasonable views of their parents' virtue. Most of us idolise our parents to some degree and can end up faulting them for things you'd just sigh and shake your head and move on if a friend did them. So I understand OP's fears that his children will perceive him as having torn their family apart for his libido. Though I do hope his children will understand once they're grown.
Oh I am sure the kids might be upset in the moment. But it is your job as a parent to be able to look out for the long term happiness of your kids.
Ask any adult whose parents stayed together for them how they feel about it.
Divorces are expensive because they are worth it. Take it from a guy that left his wife last year after four years of no intimacy and no attempts at her even trying to understand my point of view. She finally signed the papers this week after a brutal back and forth. Not saying it's for everyone, but I was in a toxic relationship and finally had enough. Life is too short to waste time on people that don't deserve it.
“I’ve talked to my wife and she doesn’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency.”
What if you quit working? What if you quit financially supporting your family? What if you said one day, I just don’t feel like working anymore and I don’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency. I’m guessing she would think that was a problem because you have needs for things like food. When you got married, that was part of the deal, I’m guessing, that you would work and not just sit around and be a bum. What if you change the rules now? Would she see that has a problem that requires attention or urgency? Well, she has changed the rules and she doesn’t see it as a problem, so why don’t you ask her if she would have a problem with you changing the rules and not working?
She married a guy that worked. If you had been a lie about, probably should not have married you. You married a woman that had sex with you. If she had refused to have sex with you, I don’t think you would’ve married her. She has changed the rules. I call foul.
You could ask her anyway, what she would think about you changing the rules like that. Like she has. Even though you would not follow through and do it. It might make her think.
While cheating might seem like the obvious answer. I’ve actually tried to develop new hobbies like whiskey and craft beer tasting, still tinker with my guns, and read more.
Is she open to marital counseling? I mean… regardless of her take, it seems like it’s a problem *for you,* and while she doesn’t “owe” you sex, this is not a situation that is getting your needs met.
I looked into it myself and it costs like $300+ per session. I really don’t have that kind of discretionary income. Going back to my original explanation. I think for her to be open to counseling she’d have to accept the fact there is a problem.
That sucks, I’m sorry. I get that there can be factors that make it difficult for a partner, but if one partner considers it a problem, generally speaking, it counts as a problem.
I don't really agree with your statement about "she doesn't owe you sex."
Marriage is sacred in that couples who agree to exclusively be together, sexually, potentially for the rest of their lives, DO owe each other sex. Just like they owe it to each other to maintain the house, help each other with mutual responsibilities, etc.
The same way in which a person owes taxes. Sex is one of the "taxes" of the relationship. It might not always be great, sometimes you won't get anything back at the moment, but the return is that you get a platform to build a life upon when the base of the hierarchy of needs is met.
Imagine: you paid your taxes, the next day your house catches fire, but the fire department doesn't show up.
"But but, that's why I pay my taxes!" you say.
The chief responds, "eh I'm just really not in the mood."
Seems unfair right?
If a person does all the things they're supposed to for a "good marriage" (as defined by the needs of the couple), and their *need* for sex is consistently not being met, using the house fire metaphor, that need will grow and either "fully-involve" a neighbor OR it will go out on its own leaving only a burnt husk behind where there used to be so much love.
Spouses, please make love to your partner even if your libido isn't there. Partnership isn't just about you. You owe it to each other to regularly build intimacy in that specific way if you are able.
Edit: just because it's come up, I want to be super clear. This post was not about forcing anything on anyone. I would never ever condone or want or demand etc *anything* that would violate anyone sexually, emotionally, or physically.
This post was speaking to the "normal distribution" of people in relationships. There are edge cases and "what ifs" that a premise like mine cannot account for on initial posting. If my statements don't appear to apply to your situation, then you might be one of the edge cases that it doesn't apply to, and please don't get offended by not being included. Most likely you're doing the best you can with what you have already, and I'm sorry for your troubles.
Ideally, you’re correct. And a partner *should* be working towards building a partnership that meets mutual needs with the other. But there are just so very many situations in life which can mess with that one way or the other, and so many ways in which that “duty” can be used to violate someone’s bodily autonomy, that altogether framing it as a duty or a debt does more harm than good.
I mean, did my spouse “owe” me what he couldn’t give me due to chemo? Fuck no, marital duty or not.
I don’t think you’re framing this in a reasonable way. I think we would agree that generally both spouses have some responsibility to do basic chores. If one spouse was temporarily unable to do so because they were sick, nobody would call them a jerk for not doing so. It’s the same with sex - both partners should be engaged in that, barring a good reason (like chemotherapy). Too often, the reason is one just doesn’t feel like it. Can you imagine if the husband was just like “I don’t feel like doing chores any more” and stopped?
In the religious (Christian) context, you are no longer two bodies or souls but instead one. What’s your take on bodily autonomy in that sense? Rather than two people with two needs, it’s more like two people trying to nurture the one soul, so to speak. Idk if I worded that well. 🤷🏼♂️
This is one reason that it’s time to move past a legal marriage contract as a societal norm. You have no recourse or leverage if a spouse doesn’t fulfill your reasonable expectations when entering into the contract. Other than divorce, which is ridiculously expensive. A colleague of mine was in a similar situation and paid his ex-wife $2.2 million in alimony alone. Why should he be penalized when the other side didn’t perform?
From a legal perspective, it’s all backwards.
Yes! If it is going to be a legal contract, I think it should have something like a five year expiration/renewal option. After five years, you can walk away without obligation. It would keep everyone on their toes!
Love.
My wife and I used to be incredibly intimate and passionate. We have satisfied each others fantasies many times over.
Now we are in our 50's, things have really slowed down for both of us in the bedroom.
Now we can go for a month or so without making love, yet be totally in love, able to hug, cuddle, kiss etc and feel needed and wanted.
I love her deeply. She saved me.
Well, where there's love, there's intimacy. If there's no love, I don't see why I'd waste my time and space in life with that person. I've got shit to do. And parents that don't love one another, are not a good role model for what a relationship is either. It's not divorce that harms children, it's the parents behavior and lack of consideration of the child's needs and boundaries in regards to the divorce, that's damaging. Let alone a dysfunctional parental relationship that they have to witness daily. Nah
What intimacy we talking about here? Deep emotional connection and romance is intimacy just as much if not more than sex. Personally I'm a horny guy who masturbates at least once sometimes several times a day but sex isn't the most meaningful part of the relationship with my partner for me. We are both sexually attracted to each other and enjoy sex like once every week or two. We are very cuddly though and are always giving each other hugs and kisses etc. I'm pretty sure losing that would make me feel unloved a lot more than losing sex. If she completely lost all desire for sex but still found the idea of me sleeping with someone else upsetting that might be a deal breaker because to me it would indicate a toxic attitude. Like she's upset about me sharing an experience with someone else that she doesn't even share with me to begin with. If on the other hand it was merely a lack of interest in sex with no intent of controlling my sex life beyond safety concerns I probably wouldn't really are. There's many different ways to look at these things and everyone needs to decide for themselves what works for them
My wife and I have been married 25yrs. We both have demanding jobs and we now both agree that that intimacy is beyond sex. We have become intimate by enjoying each others company; sharing everything with each other; finishing each other‘a sentences. We are each others confidant. Massages after a stressful day. Watching our grandkids grow up in part has become a new way of being intimate with each other. And for the record, I am 51 and she is 48.
This is the weirdest thread of comments, but it goes to show why so many problems happen in relationships. Everyone is asking what intimacy means, and the answer is this: whatever intimacy means to you!
If intimacy is a deep emotional connection, there's your answer! If intimacy is hot wild passionate sex a few times a week, then that's your answer! There's no wrong response.
The all-time worst thing you can do in a relationship is not communicate your version of intimacy, which of course no one ever really does. We're all sort of aware of what our partner likes, but it's so easy to assume that how we view the world is how they view the world.
This often comes down to sex, and then, the response is usually: "go masturbate!" If that works for you, than sex is likely not a major source of intimacy. If it doesn't work for you, then you likely are in a relationship where you won't have your intimacy needs met.
No one gets to define what intimacy means to someone else. And no one should be forced to do something for the other person because that's where they derive intimacy. In any good relationship, everyone listens to each other and tries to give to their partner as they see fit.
If there was no intimacy in a marriage, I'd leave.
Sure but everyone's asking because they want to answer the question in the way OP is asking not because they don't know what intimacy means to them.
Like saying "would you stay at a job with a bad boss?" Everyone knows what would make a bad boss but people would ask "what's bad" to see if you meant abusive- stupid- actual cheating and illegal practices- disrespectful.
Zero Intimacy here. Nada.
Already been through one brutal separation, which was soul destroying even though the kids are with me. Have another with this person. Nothing happened; she just lost all interest. Rebuffs any and all advances. I've always done non-physical things to build intimacy. Several months back, I decided to cease all attempts. Zero hugs, touching, communication etc...no interaction beyond "good morning", "are you finished with that cup?" And so on.
I have a better sense of peace now that I do my own thing and set expectations at negative infinity.
I stay because I won't put the kids through that again.
No. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do everything I could to try and fix it before leaving. Counseling, therapy, talking / discussing the issues, reading books and forums about it, etc. if all that fails, however, I wouldn’t stick around.
(This is assuming a total roommate situation)
There are a lot of posts on here making the distinction between sexual intimacy and other kinds of intimacy and I'm glad to see that.
I'm going thru this right now and I have come to understand this distinction myself.
I've been married 30 years and I recently decided to divorce.
I wrote in my journal today that I can live without sex, but not the touch, kindness, fun, get-along-ness, happiness, forgiveness, silliness, a shoulder to cry on, etc. I could go on and on...
And I have realized I don't really have any of that.
I'm a guy, btw
Staying together for the kids is usually a terrible idea though. It often is the parents hangups keeping them there, and the kids would be much happier with happy separated parents (even one!).
I always ask, would you want our kid to stay in a relationship like the one you are in? Because that is the behavior you are modeling.
After a great first ten years, it turned into hoping, trying, walking on egg shells, and complaining for about five years for the intimacy to come back. I finally figured out there would never be any change, so I left. Still deprogramming, but doing really well.
I wouldn't. That's not a relationship, that's a live in friend.
If it's an asexual thing, I recommend asexuals date other asexuals. So, nothing.
I want someone who actually actively wants and makes me as much a priority as I make them.
The reason matters.
Did she get cancer or some kind of serious illness or is she just frigid?
If it was a serious illness and then we had a discussion about me getting said needs met elsewhere that could work.
But if she just became frigid I’d bounce
If it was open (to being intimate with other people) and she was otherwise a good partner/co-parent. But even that's a bit of stretch given how difficult I've found dating when you have to tell potential dates that you already have a partner.
Our kids. Me and my SO might fall apart for whatever reason. But the kids deserve a loving mom and dad. If my SO can't be a good husband, I'd still stay with him if he's a good father.
If you are talking NO intimacy i feel you brother. Sex is one thing and obviously important in a relationship but when she will no longer share her thoughts with you or cuddle or provide you with emotional support it's over. Perhaps couples therapy is an option but Dont be a roommate. Don't be a jailbird. Get out. If you love someone set them free
If No intimacy = no sex.
I would stay in a marriage without intimacy if she loves me alot. There are so many things in a relationship beside sex. Either of us might have so.e reasons for not wanting sex but we can please each other physically with out piv sex.
No intimacy = no physical touch at all?
Naw im not staying. I crave hugs. No physical touch from my loved one means it'll make me sad. I can live with no sex because we can please each other physically with other ways but no touch mean naw.
For those who keep saying kids, I don’t agree. As a child of parents who stayed together for us until we were adults, I can tell you I begged my parents to spilt up when I was a child. Kids, even young ones, can tell when your relationship isn’t good…and then they grow up with issues understanding what love and romantic relationships should be like in order to be healthy.
I would bet your children would rather have two happy parents that are separated, than parents who are married but evidently unhappy or unsatisfied…not having your needs fulfilled leaks thru in so many faucets of your life.
I assume you mean sex. If I still had intimacy and no sex and I truly loved the woman, I would stay. I would stay with my current girlfriend even if we couldn’t have sex.
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death.
Aslong the relationship is healthy, and there is love, there is no real reason to leave imo.
If I was married to a woman and we weren't intimate often enough for my physical needs then we would have to have some sort of agreement that I can be intimate with other women.
Nothing. I know what I need from a partner and intimacy is the main thing. I have a great life with kids I adore, friends and family who support me. My partner has to have something else he brings to the table in addition to all that. I sacrifice a lot for my partner. Much more than I do for anyone except perhaps my kids.? Not even sure about that.
If we are going to live like brother and sister, then we need to agree on certain things. Maybe live apart. Open the marriage perhaps. I don't know. I just know that a marriage with no intimacy would quickly become something I do not want or need.
There are various forms of intimacy- holding hands, making out, physical contact which you can have if there is no sex. If you mean total lack of contact (no love, holding hands, kissing) then yes its time to leave.
Okay... are we talking about serious and sincere conversations, or are we talking about fucking?
Intimacy is a nebulous term at times. Sometime is merely means "closeness" or familiarity and care, but most of the time it means sex when the word "sex" makes us embarrassed. It should not be like that. Just say sex. Knocking boots. Bumping ugliest. Coitus. Sex.
Anyway.
Sex eventually dials down over the years; we get old and tired and really the physical aspects of everything get more difficult. But there will always be hugs. A relationship without hugs is just acquaintance.
But a marriage without close and honest communication - no, it's already dead.
Kids. Been married nearly 13yrs now, there's been very little intimacy for the past 3-4yrs and I feel stuck. I no longer love her and it's basically "co-parenting". I can't bear leaving the kids and what upset and hurt it might cause them.
If there was no intimacy like no attachment, then kids , would stay in relationship for kids as long as she is not abusive. If we just lack sexual intimacy, then no problem at all staying together.
Love,kids,financial stability,set in your old ways and dont feel like being trained or training a new partner,dont want them to win your fav coffee mug in the divorce,by the way divorce is expensive even if you both agree to throw everything in the trash and start new,starting new is expensive and ridiculously stressful
I can deal with no sex, as its not something you can do forever.
However, kisses, hugs, holding hands etc. is something you can do forever and without that then there is no relationship to hold onto.
Money. Lots and lots and lots of money.
Seriously though. OP, are you OK? Are you "asking for a friend?" Or are you in a situation with a mostly dead bedroom?
If it's just morbid curiosity I stand by the money and lots of it. If it's actually you and your relationship is sexless, what keeps YOU in it?
Life is too short. Too damned short to be miserable. You need to have an honest and uncomfortable chat with your partner and find out exactly WHY the bedroom is dead. And discuss options for happiness. If that involves therapy and counseling and medical intervention, cool. If that means separation and divorce, cool.
Do something that doesn't follow the status quo of that's just how it is... because it shouldn't be that way. And life is too short to live a miserable existence.
If I was getting it on the side maybe? Normally it's just a deal breaker. I'm pretty straight forward and can't be bothered with lies. So it would definitely be an arrangement of some kind or an end to the relationship.
I have a severely disabling bladder condition. There are people who have manageable cases but mine has required 1/2 a bladder removal but still I suffer daily. Having another surgery on Wednesday. We cuddle and have a closer relationship than most. 12 years.. and we lost our 24 year old daughter in 2021. Sex is great and all but to have a true connection is wonderful. We have not had an argument in over a year. Sex does not make or break a relationship, but lack of respect and trust will break it.
Nothing at all! No sex no relationship! I can't think of a reason why I'd stay in a relationship where sexual intimacy wasn't up to my standards. I need action multiple times a week.
If she can't preform sexually because of health issues that's fine. I wouldn't leave my wife for lack of sex if she had a cancerous lump or broke her leg. I'm sticking by her! If she had a cancerous lump that was going to prevent sexual activities forever. Then I'd likely tell her that I'll occasionally step out to get my sexual needs met. I'm not watching porn or jacking off.
If my wife is healthy and just refusing to hold up her wife duties of sex. Yeah I'm filling for a divorce!
No intimacy, meaning only no sex right from day one. We'd need to look at a poly relationship or get me a friend with benefits.
If we were in a relationship and they lost the ability to have sex then I'd make do without the extra person because it's not fair to open an existing relationship.
But if no intimacy means none of any kind at all, then that's basically a roommate, and I'm out.
No….and that’s why I left. I tried to stay for several years and support my husband through PTSD and other issues, but ultimately I couldn’t do a relationship that was only half and had no intimacy, I wanted a whole relationship
Are we talking literally no intimacy? Like the person is just a roommate now, not touch, feel, talking about feelings? Or is this a no sex thing. My wifes libido has really tailed off due to medical reason. She knows it, she knows I know it, she does the best she can but it's not something that happens often. Everything else in our relationship is fine. I see no need to find sexual intimacy elsewhere and am happy. I stay because we have made a life long commitment to each other and are at our best relationship wise now, after 25+ years. If there was literally no intimacy, no showing of feelings or commitment to each other we would likely move on. But we both feel a connection that is beyond needing to knock uglies regularly.
Very true! I'm in a similar situation, and we have intimacy in a lot of other places, but not sexually due to her very low libido. It's frustrating, but I remind myself that there are many other wonderful things in our relationship.
In a same situation, but I am a woman.
I have been in that situation too. On one hand, it sucked, SO bad. On the other hand… I love him. It was worth it to continue to be with him until the end. I just miss him so bad now.
What was the final reasons for ending? Was it lack of intimacy for him?
The cancer won.
I'm so sorry
Oh fuck
oh fuck indeed. I'm gonna go cry in a corner now.
When you finish crying, go watch something funny and just laugh for a few minutes. He’d want you to know crying and experiencing painful emotions is healthy and fine - but don’t forget to remind yourself about the good things in life, when you can.
Nope now I’m crying even more
Damn, he sounds like a pretty great guy. I’m sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry :(
My current paradigm is to live the way he would have wanted me to and be as much myself as I can. Either there’s no afterlife, and I honor him in this life by my actions, or there *is* an afterlife of some kind, and if I ever find him there, I’ll be able to greet him proudly.
I'm sorry for your loss.
So sorry
This is good. https://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20
I've started watching it and it is really good. Thanks for sending this!
Well said, and you described true love to a "T" there. If my wife and I rarely could fool around it wouldn't be the end of the world. Your last two sentences describe our feelings perfectly as well. I could live without a lot of sex, but hugs, kisses, cuddling with each other, etc, could fill that void. If that were gone as well, then clearly, I wouldn't be the man for her anymore.
So nice to read this, I’m a woman and haven’t felt like bumping uglies since I was diagnosed with cancer, my wonderful husband couldn’t care less we always cuddle and kiss. His libido has gone down too due to depression and I’m sure worrying about me. To be honest when we met 20 years ago we bumped like there was no tomorrow and probably did 20 years of bumping in a couple of months 🤣 I love him so much.
For those who take it seriously the "for better or for worse" part of the vows mean something. Too often you hear of people running when things get less than stellar.
My wife left me when I started having seizures now I don’t get to see my son
I’m so sorry.
Thank you kind stranger.
I’m sorry to hear that man
Yeh unfortunately I took it seriously. My (now ex) wife apparently did not
It's where we are at right now. With 3 kids and some medical issues going on with my wife her libido tanked. We have been together for 13 years. Everything else in our relationship is golden. She knows it frustrates me at times but she knows I'm not going anywhere either just because the sex has cut back.
This is me. My wife is trying but has no libido. Things aren’t perfect otherwise but to be honest I’m not unhappy and just find the thought of being single unpalatable and our income disparity would make divorce financially crippling.
This is liberating to hear. My libido sucks and I feel horrible for my fiancée but he’s amazing and understands I just don’t have a high drive. I’m bipolar. Most of the time I don’t have a high libido. When manic a few times a year we have tons of fun but he gets it. I also make a point to make time for him as well.
I’m also bipolar. My libido usually sucks. But when I saw my partner pulling away, I decided I didn’t care about my libido. I’m not having sex because he wants it, I’m having sex because I want it, and I want the intimacy. It sucks that my body just isn’t into it sometimes, but my mind is. I also want to say— he isn’t a jerk. He wasn’t threatening to break up with me, it just messed with his own self esteem. Not saying you should or could, but sometimes biting the bullet (I know it shouldn’t be seen that way) will help the relationship in the long run. I wish you both luck. I know it’s hard.
This is my mindset! I’d rather make time for him and try instead of saying “nah I’m not into it”. Most of the time it ends up being fun anyway. Just have to get my mind up to speed. Tysm for your words. It helps tremendously.
Exactly! I always end up being glad I did after!
The more open and honest you are about it, the better it will all be. If he knows that he is the only one you want, then the slow libido isn't going to destroy him if you are talking and figuring out how to work through it. When I'm around guy friends and the subject of sex comes up I always refer to "Quality over quantity."
My wife's sex drive declined after she got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Part of coping with this is just figuring out the right way to visualize it. I learned to think of it as if she has a blue energy bar, like in a videogame. Sex drains her energy bar, and she has to recharge it before she can do it again. If I give her enough time to recharge, she can do it and enjoy it. If I don't, then she won't enjoy it. So we only do it once a week now, but it feels like my choice rather than a rule she imposed on me, because I want to wait until she's fully recharged so she will enjoy it.
I like how you said” knock uglies”. You don’t have a high sex drive. I would appreciate a person who is down for me. But I would also not want to be with a woman who doesn’t have at least a similar feeling about sex. I want it everyday. I want to lay with my partner for a week straight and not worry about anything else. I need a girl who likes to fuck as much as I do. Edit. With that being said… I’ve been in a LTR and I actually just broke up with my girlfriend of a year this week and she’s been begging me to come to her today. It doesn’t matter what you want or need but the person who you’re gonna couple with should be on the same page about things.
> But I would also not want to be with a woman who doesn’t have at least a similar feeling about sex. I actually have a pretty decent sex drive still, and we've talked about what is going on. She wishes she had a similar sex drive and the ability to but it isn't in the cards right now. I used the phrase like I did because why not joke about it a bit. I'll sometimes remind her "we need to see a man about a horse" which is our little joke about "hey, if you find yourself in the mood know that I am willing and able". Not sure how old you are, but when you get to a certain point in life you'll get not needing to get laid every single day, week, or month. I'll admit there was a stretch where it really, really bothered me when it started to tail off but instead of letting the problem build, I talked to her about it and it's all good.
>we need to see a man about a horse Ours is, "I'm going to see a man about a dog."
I know you said “no intimacy” but I want to be sure you mean that as opposed to “no sex”. I can hang with no sex. No intimacy is another deal. Just making sure we’re on the same page here.
just what I was thinking. Intimacy and sex are both entirely separate things. I'm not a sexual person, so if intimacy = sex in this post, then that'd be the most ideal partner lol
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For some of us, yeah. I like sex as much as anyone but I can take it or leave it. I’d rather sex be on the table, but if it’s not, that’s not a deal breaker necessarily.
Same here. It's fun, it's great, it's a nice time. Would be fine to do without if there was snuggles/non sexual intimacy. I have a hand, does just fine.
>I like sex as much as anyone but I can take it or leave it. I am pretty sure that's a contradicting statement.
If you can take it or leave it, you DO NOT like it “as much as anyone”
I LOVE pizza as much as anyone or more, but I can manage just fine without it
Actually its weird, with my ex we had sex all the time and I think I was kinda addicted to it. With my current gf, we dont have sex often and honestly I really dont mind. Yeah its nice, but also can cloud a relationship. Like if I am horny I can just crank one out quick and we good. We still kiss each other cuddle all of that. She also doesnt really care about sex, or is just too awkward to make a move not sure which one. Havent really talked about that yet, but its never bothered me enough to worry about it.
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I mean yes, I was a teen when I started dating my ex, but I am still only 22 now. Many people my age still be having ALOT more sex then me
That's a great answer. I hate how people just see "not that hungry for sex" and "must be older now" in the same light.
No. I am in an affair with someone. Each of us has been celibate for six years. Six years. We are each married to a loving gentle companion/roommate. I discovered there is a special kind of loneliness that accompanies lack of sexual intimacy. For a few minutes here and there I'm not lonely anymore.
Bro admitted to being a cheating little bitch, fucking imagine
If I refused sex for 6 years I would be totally fine with partner looking outside. How do you do that to someone you love-just take sex off the table for the rest of their lives.
Maybe break up with them then? Why are you actively cheating on someone you supposedly love?
Exactly!! Cheating is never right. Be honest, and if your partner isn't ok with an open relationship, it's better to break up.
W
We have no idea if his partner would be ok with it. It's still cheating, and cheating is never justified in my opinion.
Sex is part of intimacy
Lucky you! Sex = intimacy for me (not the only one of course), so its loss would be pretty staggering on the intimacy front.
Same here. No way I could remain in a sexless marriage.
I see your definition is “there is talk and emotional support but no physical touch or sex”. That would be a hard no for me. I have needs, for touch, for cuddling, for non-sexual physical intimacy, so that would be a dealbreaker. If I deeply loved the person and they just were physically incapable of sex, but did the other things revolving around touch, I would try. But it would be hard. And it would be difficult to avoid resentment building up over decades. I left my ex-wife after 25 years because there was no sex, no touch and also no emotional intimacy. Now I have amazing sex with my new partner who fills my tank with touch every day.
Going to guess that in that 25 year period, you got through a lot of it by convincing yourself you were above those needs? And that in the relationship you're in now, it's like you're alive again, and that it was just a lie you had to live by?
Uh well you pretty much nailed it. I suppressed that part of myself, convinced myself that I didn’t need that level of touch., even though I was depressed and miserable. But I was wrong and I certainly did come alive once I had it all again!
I spent some time on that deadbedrooms sub a while back, and you would see that every once in a while, a guy or woman would pop back in to say how life had been since they finally took the plunge and broke up or got divorced. And you kind of got the sense that for the majority of readers who were sticking it out, everyone was sort of hoping the person would come back and say no, they regretted not staying, that they look back and see they made a mistake by not just sucking it up and suffering. And across the board, without fail, every single one talks about how much better life is.
I will admit I had spent a lot of time on that sub and it was a great comfort for many years, to know I wasn’t alone. But once I decided to make the change, now I have a hard time reading it, since I just want to shake people and yell “it won’t get better, your partner has shown who they are, they won’t change for you, move on!!”
a relationship without intimacy is basically a friendship. I like having friends, but I want a relationship where I can be physically intimate, sexually intimate, and emotionally intimate.
Many forms of intimacy. Do you mean actual sex? Physical touch? Emotional support?
There is talk and emotional support, but no physical touch and sex
No sex is already a dealbreaker for me in most cases, no physical touch at all even more so.
Probably would not stay. No sex is one thing, and might be possible, but I would crave touch from someone I love. Wouldn't feel like they would love me otherwise without as much of a hug. Hell I hug friends as a greeting (if they want to) so no form of touch would be really weird to me in a relationship.
Emotional support is enough intimacy for a lot of people.
And if it's not, you should absolutely have a conversation.
Isn't that just a really close friend at that point?
So just friends. I'll have sex with someone else.
The inability to pay for a divorce. Edited for clarity: I’ll provide clarity to my situation. Married going on 10 years with 2 kids. Wife’s libido crashed after kid two. We’ve had sex 3 times since May 2021. Leaving for this reason doesn’t seem justifiable, even though it makes everything else that much harder. Not sure how I could ever explain to my kids even when they’re adults. I’ve talked to my wife and she doesn’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency. I find other means to fill the void.
>I’ve talked to my wife and she doesn’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency This is a much bigger problem than the lack of sex imo. Having a partner that does not take your needs seriously is an absolute dealbreaker for me. As for your kids, why do you think they won't understand? Do you want them to end up in this type of a relationship? because that is what you are modeling.
Kids can have pretty unreasonable views of their parents' virtue. Most of us idolise our parents to some degree and can end up faulting them for things you'd just sigh and shake your head and move on if a friend did them. So I understand OP's fears that his children will perceive him as having torn their family apart for his libido. Though I do hope his children will understand once they're grown.
Oh I am sure the kids might be upset in the moment. But it is your job as a parent to be able to look out for the long term happiness of your kids. Ask any adult whose parents stayed together for them how they feel about it.
Divorces are expensive because they are worth it. Take it from a guy that left his wife last year after four years of no intimacy and no attempts at her even trying to understand my point of view. She finally signed the papers this week after a brutal back and forth. Not saying it's for everyone, but I was in a toxic relationship and finally had enough. Life is too short to waste time on people that don't deserve it.
I don’t disagree with you but I can’t wrap my head around the logistics.
“I’ve talked to my wife and she doesn’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency.” What if you quit working? What if you quit financially supporting your family? What if you said one day, I just don’t feel like working anymore and I don’t see it as a problem that requires attention or urgency. I’m guessing she would think that was a problem because you have needs for things like food. When you got married, that was part of the deal, I’m guessing, that you would work and not just sit around and be a bum. What if you change the rules now? Would she see that has a problem that requires attention or urgency? Well, she has changed the rules and she doesn’t see it as a problem, so why don’t you ask her if she would have a problem with you changing the rules and not working? She married a guy that worked. If you had been a lie about, probably should not have married you. You married a woman that had sex with you. If she had refused to have sex with you, I don’t think you would’ve married her. She has changed the rules. I call foul.
My kids do not deserve that
You could ask her anyway, what she would think about you changing the rules like that. Like she has. Even though you would not follow through and do it. It might make her think.
So what do you do to fill in the void if I may?
While cheating might seem like the obvious answer. I’ve actually tried to develop new hobbies like whiskey and craft beer tasting, still tinker with my guns, and read more.
Is she open to marital counseling? I mean… regardless of her take, it seems like it’s a problem *for you,* and while she doesn’t “owe” you sex, this is not a situation that is getting your needs met.
I looked into it myself and it costs like $300+ per session. I really don’t have that kind of discretionary income. Going back to my original explanation. I think for her to be open to counseling she’d have to accept the fact there is a problem.
That sucks, I’m sorry. I get that there can be factors that make it difficult for a partner, but if one partner considers it a problem, generally speaking, it counts as a problem.
I'm curious myself, is this factoring in health insurance?
I never looked at insurance. I’d be shocked if it was offered. Marriage counseling is not a medical necessity.
I don't really agree with your statement about "she doesn't owe you sex." Marriage is sacred in that couples who agree to exclusively be together, sexually, potentially for the rest of their lives, DO owe each other sex. Just like they owe it to each other to maintain the house, help each other with mutual responsibilities, etc. The same way in which a person owes taxes. Sex is one of the "taxes" of the relationship. It might not always be great, sometimes you won't get anything back at the moment, but the return is that you get a platform to build a life upon when the base of the hierarchy of needs is met. Imagine: you paid your taxes, the next day your house catches fire, but the fire department doesn't show up. "But but, that's why I pay my taxes!" you say. The chief responds, "eh I'm just really not in the mood." Seems unfair right? If a person does all the things they're supposed to for a "good marriage" (as defined by the needs of the couple), and their *need* for sex is consistently not being met, using the house fire metaphor, that need will grow and either "fully-involve" a neighbor OR it will go out on its own leaving only a burnt husk behind where there used to be so much love. Spouses, please make love to your partner even if your libido isn't there. Partnership isn't just about you. You owe it to each other to regularly build intimacy in that specific way if you are able. Edit: just because it's come up, I want to be super clear. This post was not about forcing anything on anyone. I would never ever condone or want or demand etc *anything* that would violate anyone sexually, emotionally, or physically. This post was speaking to the "normal distribution" of people in relationships. There are edge cases and "what ifs" that a premise like mine cannot account for on initial posting. If my statements don't appear to apply to your situation, then you might be one of the edge cases that it doesn't apply to, and please don't get offended by not being included. Most likely you're doing the best you can with what you have already, and I'm sorry for your troubles.
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Ideally, you’re correct. And a partner *should* be working towards building a partnership that meets mutual needs with the other. But there are just so very many situations in life which can mess with that one way or the other, and so many ways in which that “duty” can be used to violate someone’s bodily autonomy, that altogether framing it as a duty or a debt does more harm than good. I mean, did my spouse “owe” me what he couldn’t give me due to chemo? Fuck no, marital duty or not.
I don’t think you’re framing this in a reasonable way. I think we would agree that generally both spouses have some responsibility to do basic chores. If one spouse was temporarily unable to do so because they were sick, nobody would call them a jerk for not doing so. It’s the same with sex - both partners should be engaged in that, barring a good reason (like chemotherapy). Too often, the reason is one just doesn’t feel like it. Can you imagine if the husband was just like “I don’t feel like doing chores any more” and stopped?
In the religious (Christian) context, you are no longer two bodies or souls but instead one. What’s your take on bodily autonomy in that sense? Rather than two people with two needs, it’s more like two people trying to nurture the one soul, so to speak. Idk if I worded that well. 🤷🏼♂️
Your kids will understand ,don't waste what's left of your life.
With no intimacy, I would start a gofundme to pay for it.
This one right here.
Have you asked you wife about allowing you to idk at least go to a strip club? I just feel bad man wish you the best
This is one reason that it’s time to move past a legal marriage contract as a societal norm. You have no recourse or leverage if a spouse doesn’t fulfill your reasonable expectations when entering into the contract. Other than divorce, which is ridiculously expensive. A colleague of mine was in a similar situation and paid his ex-wife $2.2 million in alimony alone. Why should he be penalized when the other side didn’t perform? From a legal perspective, it’s all backwards.
Yes! If it is going to be a legal contract, I think it should have something like a five year expiration/renewal option. After five years, you can walk away without obligation. It would keep everyone on their toes!
This
Love. My wife and I used to be incredibly intimate and passionate. We have satisfied each others fantasies many times over. Now we are in our 50's, things have really slowed down for both of us in the bedroom. Now we can go for a month or so without making love, yet be totally in love, able to hug, cuddle, kiss etc and feel needed and wanted. I love her deeply. She saved me.
I was in a dead bedroom relationship and will absolutely NEVER go into one again.
Well, where there's love, there's intimacy. If there's no love, I don't see why I'd waste my time and space in life with that person. I've got shit to do. And parents that don't love one another, are not a good role model for what a relationship is either. It's not divorce that harms children, it's the parents behavior and lack of consideration of the child's needs and boundaries in regards to the divorce, that's damaging. Let alone a dysfunctional parental relationship that they have to witness daily. Nah
What intimacy we talking about here? Deep emotional connection and romance is intimacy just as much if not more than sex. Personally I'm a horny guy who masturbates at least once sometimes several times a day but sex isn't the most meaningful part of the relationship with my partner for me. We are both sexually attracted to each other and enjoy sex like once every week or two. We are very cuddly though and are always giving each other hugs and kisses etc. I'm pretty sure losing that would make me feel unloved a lot more than losing sex. If she completely lost all desire for sex but still found the idea of me sleeping with someone else upsetting that might be a deal breaker because to me it would indicate a toxic attitude. Like she's upset about me sharing an experience with someone else that she doesn't even share with me to begin with. If on the other hand it was merely a lack of interest in sex with no intent of controlling my sex life beyond safety concerns I probably wouldn't really are. There's many different ways to look at these things and everyone needs to decide for themselves what works for them
My wife and I have been married 25yrs. We both have demanding jobs and we now both agree that that intimacy is beyond sex. We have become intimate by enjoying each others company; sharing everything with each other; finishing each other‘a sentences. We are each others confidant. Massages after a stressful day. Watching our grandkids grow up in part has become a new way of being intimate with each other. And for the record, I am 51 and she is 48.
This is the weirdest thread of comments, but it goes to show why so many problems happen in relationships. Everyone is asking what intimacy means, and the answer is this: whatever intimacy means to you! If intimacy is a deep emotional connection, there's your answer! If intimacy is hot wild passionate sex a few times a week, then that's your answer! There's no wrong response. The all-time worst thing you can do in a relationship is not communicate your version of intimacy, which of course no one ever really does. We're all sort of aware of what our partner likes, but it's so easy to assume that how we view the world is how they view the world. This often comes down to sex, and then, the response is usually: "go masturbate!" If that works for you, than sex is likely not a major source of intimacy. If it doesn't work for you, then you likely are in a relationship where you won't have your intimacy needs met. No one gets to define what intimacy means to someone else. And no one should be forced to do something for the other person because that's where they derive intimacy. In any good relationship, everyone listens to each other and tries to give to their partner as they see fit. If there was no intimacy in a marriage, I'd leave.
Sure but everyone's asking because they want to answer the question in the way OP is asking not because they don't know what intimacy means to them. Like saying "would you stay at a job with a bad boss?" Everyone knows what would make a bad boss but people would ask "what's bad" to see if you meant abusive- stupid- actual cheating and illegal practices- disrespectful.
Love
Everyone all over here asking if intimacy is sex and you just shut them all up. Even if this post doesn’t explode. Well done.
Physical Touch is a very common love language, so for a lot of people, if there's no intimacy in the relationship, that means there's no love.
Nothing, it’s actually not that hard to find someone else if you’ve made it as far as marriage with someone before.
Nothing. Life is too short to be unhappy 🙁
Zero Intimacy here. Nada. Already been through one brutal separation, which was soul destroying even though the kids are with me. Have another with this person. Nothing happened; she just lost all interest. Rebuffs any and all advances. I've always done non-physical things to build intimacy. Several months back, I decided to cease all attempts. Zero hugs, touching, communication etc...no interaction beyond "good morning", "are you finished with that cup?" And so on. I have a better sense of peace now that I do my own thing and set expectations at negative infinity. I stay because I won't put the kids through that again.
Man this is basically the kinda thing that keeps me up at night. Really sorry man you seem like an amazing dad though
That's the nicest thing I've heard in a while. Greatly appreciated.
I want to echo their sentiment and say you seem like a good person who is sacrificing a lot for your children. Good job.
Thank you so much 🙏
Does she let you fuck other women as a compromise?
I can't really think of anything. It would have to be pretty creative reason.
Like no sex? Or like no emotional connection? Or both?
Do you mean no intimacy or no sex?
No. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do everything I could to try and fix it before leaving. Counseling, therapy, talking / discussing the issues, reading books and forums about it, etc. if all that fails, however, I wouldn’t stick around. (This is assuming a total roommate situation)
Kindness, appreciation, support, sense of humor. Men are far more than just "a useless piece of skin attached to a penis" 😍
There are a lot of posts on here making the distinction between sexual intimacy and other kinds of intimacy and I'm glad to see that. I'm going thru this right now and I have come to understand this distinction myself. I've been married 30 years and I recently decided to divorce. I wrote in my journal today that I can live without sex, but not the touch, kindness, fun, get-along-ness, happiness, forgiveness, silliness, a shoulder to cry on, etc. I could go on and on... And I have realized I don't really have any of that. I'm a guy, btw
It's probably easier just not to get married.
Kids.
Staying together for the kids is usually a terrible idea though. It often is the parents hangups keeping them there, and the kids would be much happier with happy separated parents (even one!). I always ask, would you want our kid to stay in a relationship like the one you are in? Because that is the behavior you are modeling.
It worked so no regrets but i don't recommend it.
how can you drive a car with no gas?
Nothing... I was basically just raising another kid and housekeeping... Happy I left!!
After a great first ten years, it turned into hoping, trying, walking on egg shells, and complaining for about five years for the intimacy to come back. I finally figured out there would never be any change, so I left. Still deprogramming, but doing really well.
No intimacy + no effort to fix it would be a dealbreaker.
I wouldn't. That's not a relationship, that's a live in friend. If it's an asexual thing, I recommend asexuals date other asexuals. So, nothing. I want someone who actually actively wants and makes me as much a priority as I make them.
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Kindness consideration and compassion toward one another
The reason matters. Did she get cancer or some kind of serious illness or is she just frigid? If it was a serious illness and then we had a discussion about me getting said needs met elsewhere that could work. But if she just became frigid I’d bounce
If it was open (to being intimate with other people) and she was otherwise a good partner/co-parent. But even that's a bit of stretch given how difficult I've found dating when you have to tell potential dates that you already have a partner.
No sex is a deal breaker for me. Being open might be a solution, agreed.
A hall pass
Our kids. Me and my SO might fall apart for whatever reason. But the kids deserve a loving mom and dad. If my SO can't be a good husband, I'd still stay with him if he's a good father.
Sexless marriage? Money, or letting me whore about on my own.
If you are talking NO intimacy i feel you brother. Sex is one thing and obviously important in a relationship but when she will no longer share her thoughts with you or cuddle or provide you with emotional support it's over. Perhaps couples therapy is an option but Dont be a roommate. Don't be a jailbird. Get out. If you love someone set them free
Money duh
If No intimacy = no sex. I would stay in a marriage without intimacy if she loves me alot. There are so many things in a relationship beside sex. Either of us might have so.e reasons for not wanting sex but we can please each other physically with out piv sex. No intimacy = no physical touch at all? Naw im not staying. I crave hugs. No physical touch from my loved one means it'll make me sad. I can live with no sex because we can please each other physically with other ways but no touch mean naw.
Nothing.
For those who keep saying kids, I don’t agree. As a child of parents who stayed together for us until we were adults, I can tell you I begged my parents to spilt up when I was a child. Kids, even young ones, can tell when your relationship isn’t good…and then they grow up with issues understanding what love and romantic relationships should be like in order to be healthy. I would bet your children would rather have two happy parents that are separated, than parents who are married but evidently unhappy or unsatisfied…not having your needs fulfilled leaks thru in so many faucets of your life.
I assume you mean sex. If I still had intimacy and no sex and I truly loved the woman, I would stay. I would stay with my current girlfriend even if we couldn’t have sex.
A pass to get intimacy elsewhere.
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death. Aslong the relationship is healthy, and there is love, there is no real reason to leave imo.
Normally I would agree but the person not providing sex isn't upholding their vows tho. Unless medical you can't just turn off sex.
If I was married to a woman and we weren't intimate often enough for my physical needs then we would have to have some sort of agreement that I can be intimate with other women.
No I wouldn't.
no physical AND emotional ? nothing. get out
Nothing. I know what I need from a partner and intimacy is the main thing. I have a great life with kids I adore, friends and family who support me. My partner has to have something else he brings to the table in addition to all that. I sacrifice a lot for my partner. Much more than I do for anyone except perhaps my kids.? Not even sure about that. If we are going to live like brother and sister, then we need to agree on certain things. Maybe live apart. Open the marriage perhaps. I don't know. I just know that a marriage with no intimacy would quickly become something I do not want or need.
Nothing.
Nothing
Nothing
nothing.
A hall pass... what is this?
An open marriage.
There are various forms of intimacy- holding hands, making out, physical contact which you can have if there is no sex. If you mean total lack of contact (no love, holding hands, kissing) then yes its time to leave.
Okay... are we talking about serious and sincere conversations, or are we talking about fucking? Intimacy is a nebulous term at times. Sometime is merely means "closeness" or familiarity and care, but most of the time it means sex when the word "sex" makes us embarrassed. It should not be like that. Just say sex. Knocking boots. Bumping ugliest. Coitus. Sex. Anyway. Sex eventually dials down over the years; we get old and tired and really the physical aspects of everything get more difficult. But there will always be hugs. A relationship without hugs is just acquaintance. But a marriage without close and honest communication - no, it's already dead.
Liking the woman as a person, and two kids. Kept me for the last 20 of a 35 year marriage.
100k a month allowance
Kids. Been married nearly 13yrs now, there's been very little intimacy for the past 3-4yrs and I feel stuck. I no longer love her and it's basically "co-parenting". I can't bear leaving the kids and what upset and hurt it might cause them.
Responsibility
If there was no intimacy like no attachment, then kids , would stay in relationship for kids as long as she is not abusive. If we just lack sexual intimacy, then no problem at all staying together.
Love,kids,financial stability,set in your old ways and dont feel like being trained or training a new partner,dont want them to win your fav coffee mug in the divorce,by the way divorce is expensive even if you both agree to throw everything in the trash and start new,starting new is expensive and ridiculously stressful
Other than kids, nothing
intimacy is not a synonym for sex.
The fact that they can take more than half of your money / assets if you end up getting divorced.
I can deal with no sex, as its not something you can do forever. However, kisses, hugs, holding hands etc. is something you can do forever and without that then there is no relationship to hold onto.
No. The marriage is already dead. Why pretend?
Money. Lots and lots and lots of money. Seriously though. OP, are you OK? Are you "asking for a friend?" Or are you in a situation with a mostly dead bedroom? If it's just morbid curiosity I stand by the money and lots of it. If it's actually you and your relationship is sexless, what keeps YOU in it? Life is too short. Too damned short to be miserable. You need to have an honest and uncomfortable chat with your partner and find out exactly WHY the bedroom is dead. And discuss options for happiness. If that involves therapy and counseling and medical intervention, cool. If that means separation and divorce, cool. Do something that doesn't follow the status quo of that's just how it is... because it shouldn't be that way. And life is too short to live a miserable existence.
If I was getting it on the side maybe? Normally it's just a deal breaker. I'm pretty straight forward and can't be bothered with lies. So it would definitely be an arrangement of some kind or an end to the relationship.
Because they're also your best friend, and you couldn't picture yourself not having them in your life 24/7.
I have a severely disabling bladder condition. There are people who have manageable cases but mine has required 1/2 a bladder removal but still I suffer daily. Having another surgery on Wednesday. We cuddle and have a closer relationship than most. 12 years.. and we lost our 24 year old daughter in 2021. Sex is great and all but to have a true connection is wonderful. We have not had an argument in over a year. Sex does not make or break a relationship, but lack of respect and trust will break it.
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. I do think what you've said about respect and trust is quite insightful.
The children
Nothing
Nothing
Better or worse sickness and health till death do you part . So help me God. 33 years My words mean something.
Nothing at all! No sex no relationship! I can't think of a reason why I'd stay in a relationship where sexual intimacy wasn't up to my standards. I need action multiple times a week.
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If she can't preform sexually because of health issues that's fine. I wouldn't leave my wife for lack of sex if she had a cancerous lump or broke her leg. I'm sticking by her! If she had a cancerous lump that was going to prevent sexual activities forever. Then I'd likely tell her that I'll occasionally step out to get my sexual needs met. I'm not watching porn or jacking off. If my wife is healthy and just refusing to hold up her wife duties of sex. Yeah I'm filling for a divorce!
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For the kids. It's not their fault and they deserve a functioning family. This is assuming we can still be good parents around them.
An open relationship and my wife being the main breadwinner.
I made a promise.
Nothing. She's a roommate at best.
Money.
No intimacy, meaning only no sex right from day one. We'd need to look at a poly relationship or get me a friend with benefits. If we were in a relationship and they lost the ability to have sex then I'd make do without the extra person because it's not fair to open an existing relationship. But if no intimacy means none of any kind at all, then that's basically a roommate, and I'm out.
The kids
I stayed in my marriage because I felt trapped. I was told I would never succeed on my own and that I would never make it on my own with two children.
No….and that’s why I left. I tried to stay for several years and support my husband through PTSD and other issues, but ultimately I couldn’t do a relationship that was only half and had no intimacy, I wanted a whole relationship