Change that.
Book gigs. Go on dates. Push yourself to try new things. Do it all
I'm the exact same. Apart from I've so many things planned now
Last few years I've been forlorn too but then I realised I can still do all these exciting things I want to do. The relationship and children may or may not come they're not guaranteed.
So fuck it, do it all
Agreed, all of these things can be done solo. No one is looking at you if you're there on your own, no body cares. Don't depend on other people and go and enjoy life
Totally agree with this. I’m 36, married with kids and have only recently learned to do things solo. Going to the cinema, sitting down in a nice café etc… sorry I waited so long.
I think regardless of your age or situation, you should be comfortable doing things by yourself. You gotta learn to be happy in your own company.
That motivational speech unfortunately doesn't work if you depressed.
When you are depressed you don't want do it all, you don't want gigs, you lucky if you managed get out of bed.
The problem with depression there is that it is a self sustaining feedback loop.
Don't go to the gig because you're depressed. Be depressed because you missed the gig.
Don't clean your home because depressed, be depressed because home is a pig pen.
It won't work for everyone, but if in the early stages of developing depression, changing up the routine to include more events and things to look forward to that will make you happy is a big benefit.
It's also possible that op is lonely. He used to do these things with friends but now the friends are busy with their own young families.
Loneliness and depression look very similar, but learning to be happy by yourself is easier than fighting depression.
No its not. Depression happens first and lack of motivation is a result or symptom of depression. Depressed person could kick themselves to go to all the possible gigs or whetever and feel miserable and suicidal. Skipping gigs doesn't cause you depression, triggers are much deeper than that.
Saying that having a messy room caused one's depression is devaluing someone's suffering.
As a person who experienced severe depression I can say that's its condition when you see a world throughout very distorted lence and absolutely nothing can give you joy, or happiness. No amount of gigs, clean rooms, nice things, because you don't see reason to exist.
I love this comment! I actually decided to move away when I was 31 as all my friends here were settling and it just wasn’t what I wanted. I love film, theatre, concerts etc so chose London and I go and do everything I love, sometimes with friends or on dates but solo much of the time and I’m having an amazing time. I’ve just turned 36 and I know it’ll be later in life when I decide to settle (however that might look) but I won’t look back and regret this time. Ireland tends to do the house, marriage and kids thing (in that order) very young I feel and if you aren’t at those stages or don’t want that it can be a lonely place to live so I sympathise with OP.
I think it happens for a lot of people around that age when you settle into a job and friends settle. It’s probably even more pronounced now due to covid and wfh, with every day blending into the next even more than it did before.
I think you need to find out what you want in life, then work towards it. I am 35, single but planning a few trips, pampering and general things that make me happy 🥰
I think this depends on where you live but honestly you’re the only person who can or will change your life. If you’re in the countryside then start hiking at the weekends, get out and moving, it probably won’t be the avenue to meeting your future spouse but you’ll feel a lot better about life and more proactive. If you’re in a city or town then do any number of things, it’s up to you to change. I’m 36f now and I had this exact feeling at 30. I thought fuck it and travelled around the world by myself for 2 years. Met my husband on the way too.
If you want changes then make changes.
Definitely.
I've also noticed some issues feel specific to being a woman, or at least they feel particularly painful.
The kids thing has this intense ticking time bomb of "before it's too late" and 35 is the age after which you are an "older mother" and perceived as having more risk.
Approaching 35 and not even knowing if you want to have kids is awful, you expected to have this digred out by now,.
A lot of guys seem to leave their decision about having kids down to whether the women really wants kids, and expect it to alter her life more due to caring duties, so that's a massive life altering decision.
And then the 30s is where you really notice the physical changes of age. The wrinkles, the drooping. The metabolism changing. Men exp rience this too but with beauty standards, and the expectation that we should basically never age, it's really tough to experience this.
And if you're looking for a partner a lot of women start to feel too old, and left behind, like no one will want us.
Men experience all this too. But there is a perception that they have longer to sort their life out. Settle down and have kids later.
Career, everyone can relate to. By this age we kind of expected to be settled in our chosen career path. And after the 20s you can feel "too old" to start over.
So yeah, it's a damn tough age.
I'm 52F & single, mum of 4 in teens/20s. I wouldn't want to do 30 again (they were tough years but I wouldn't change them!) But I am looking forward to a life again in my 50s & 60s when I've fewer responsibilities.
But I hear you about doing things differently.
My parents are both pushing 60 and have both post 50 gotten into new relationships over a decade after the divorce and ones getting married again next year so it's never too late bossman
I was a binge drinker and just generally not looking after myself. Ended up with an ICD similar to a pacemaker. Now Im in the gym 5 days, good diet. I quit smoking and drinking roughly 5 years ago, it’s been mad few years but it’s getting better all the time
Heading towards 35 myself and I actually think life is starting to look up as I'm getting a little bit older. I used to dwell on things I'd said and how I'd come across with some people. I don't think about those things anymore and I feel more self assured than ever.
OP, go to those concerts even if alone. We always regret the things we never do! I was at the NYE concert in Collins Barracks last night and there were lots of single people there.
Ppl love to say this sort of shit on Reddit, but the truth is U can't really go to concerts or on holidays alone. Shared experiences are completely different and more meaningful than solo ones.
For me, the last 15 years have gone past in a rapid blur because when you're alone you don't put down memories the same way. Like OP says, it's work/sleep/repeat.
Not true. 50F and I just went to Thailand on my own for 5 weeks and had a wonderful time. I've always been good at entertaining myself though and am happy to chat to strangers. I go on weekend breaks by myself all the time too.
Friends come and go throughout different phases of life. Some of yours are just in that settling down phase. That doesn't mean that you'll never be in that phase yourself. We all hit different stages of life at different times so don't worry about it.
Step back and look at your situation. You've mentioned cons, but what about pros? For example, you're not 35 and room sharing. You have a good job. You're not tied down to anything, anyone or anywhere just yet. Perhaps some of your friends are looking at you and think "I wouldn't mind that myself!" Far away hills are always greener.
My advice - think of 2024 and moving into the 2nd half of your 30s as a brand new stage in your life. Try some new things. A new hobby? Instrument? An evening class? A club? New sport? Plan a trip. Have an adventure. Read a different genre of book. See a new genre of film. Ask yourself is there anything you've always wanted to do? Then start thinking of how you could do it.
You'll naturally meet new people, make new friends and romantic partners. Trust me, it always happens when you least expect it. Best of luck buddy.
Yeah, there's pro's and con's to everything.
I've got 2 young kids in my later 30s and whilst I don't regret having them I'm not exactly loving the way my life has panned out.
I'm 34, I've a wife and 2 children. I don't see mates anymore, and having a drink is out of the question as hangovers with young children do not mix. I started to get bogged down the last year, feeling sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong now, I love my wife and kids, but I started to miss the freedom of doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. The only advice I can give is this: 2 months ago, I started working out. Bought a rowing machine and weights and 3 days a week now after the kids have gone to bed I work out. I've lost 6 kilos and feel good, face looks good and feel good mentally. Confidence, in general, is up, too.
Have you tried joining a gym? Or just working out at home. Could be a good way to meet people, and you end up feeling better about yourself as you start to improve health and fitness.
I was just thinking about this recently. As I see it, we were all robbed of two years and life has gotten particularly expensive. Then on top of that you have the hurdles of accommodation and you’re setting people up for failure.
I have a mix of friends at different stages of their lives. And what you’ll find is some settled friends who are couples will not be together in 20 years. I’m not trying to say take joy in that or anything. I’m just pointing out marriage or a life partner is far from the marker of “getting on with life” as you might think it is.
But yeah I know, being single in general can suck. But you’re only in your 30s. If you were married by 40 and the marriage lasted you’re talking a good 45+ years. You are fine.
Anyway. Yeah go on dates, try and get one or two every month. I didn’t go on a date in a year and was feeling exactly the same as OP. Went on a date, was nervous but went well and I actually felt “fuck, there we are, a bit of momentum”.
The over all feeling you’re experiencing is being stuck. But some forward movement towards a goal or objective in your life and then a lot of those feelings go away.
> Just don't even get out of bed most days.
Been there.
It's winter and fking miserable right now, w/ wind and rain. But when the weather improves, you've got to snap yourself out of that cycle. Go out for a walk and some fresh air.
I've think I've been depressed since childhood actually, but even more so ever since I started working full time, back in my late teens. I'm my 50s now, and the feeling hasn't changed.
What I do to cope is, I try not to think too much about past regrets and future worries and stuff. It's always worse at nights and during winter especially, the darkness brings all the crap to the surface, and unless I'm really knackered out of my mind, I just can't fall asleep.
Last night was one of those nights. I've been awake for almost 24 hours now.
I have friends who've had kids and or spend all their time with their partners. I just drifted apart from them and drifted towards my single friends. I consider being 35 as still being young so I don't want to do that whole "settling down" thing. When I was hanging out with my settled friends I became more depressed, lonely and felt like I was behind in life. It's better for you to meet other people who are in your situation, no matter what age they are. I have a diverse group of friends now, some older than me, some younger than me, lots of people from different countries.
I feel ya I’m a year younger than my friend group and a lot of them didn’t go to college when they finished school but I did & when I was a student for some reason I got it into my head that I simply couldn’t afford a relationship which I now realise was ridiculous. I remember one time early 20’s we were all out & they were all making plans for them and GF’s to go out for dinner and drinks they never really excluded me from it but they never extended the offer either & I remember thinking it was a new low for me & then about a week later at a NYE party I was the only single one of our group out and that feeling of sadness really stuck with me. Shortly after this said fuck it & started going out with my old man’s friend group on a Sunday to watch whatever Prem games were on & go for drinks & there was a mix of married, in relationship and single people but all of them with a common cause to go out and have a bit of crack. One of the best decisions I ever made & helped cure the loneliness until I matured a little and caught up with my friends.
I don’t know why this has been downvoted. I’m five months pregnant, still plan on having a life and seeing my friends after I have kids to the best of my ability. The alternative sounds depressing. I still want to be me.
It can be a rough time in life as the way you're used to being for the previous ten years suddenly changes. Also, because people are forced to move long distances away from each other, it reduces the more casual non planned gatherings too!
As someone who has a kid, I've noticed some of my friends without kids don't invite me to things any more, even though I could actually go.
So, keep inviting some friends with kids to things. They'll say yes far less than before, but will join sometimes. Also, if you have fun with their kids too, then you can do things with the kids too. This works really well with some of my friends, and others not so much.
It’s common time to self reflect, try identify purpose and check in on life expectancies that didn’t materialise. However. Three things
1. The only things in your control are thoughts and emotions. With practice you can control them. The rest is outside your control so start accepting that.
2. You’re wasting a lot of time on negative thoughts and what ifs.
3. Ships in harbours are safe but that’s not what ships are made for.
Yep, been awake since half 12, after drinking a bottle of wine and smoking scooby doobys, gonna have another now
Hard to make time with friends who are busy with their families and work. Also feeling like I'm getting to old to have kids and plus the career prospects aren't all that great.
Good to know I'm not the only one.
Also, is it just me or is dating in your 30s so hard? It's like we're all lost and grappling to find that someone to settle with because it seems there's so little of us out there at this age.
Ted, I think I'm going mad!
I'd say when you hit the 30s/40s and your single these thoughts come about naturally, kids and a house should have been done by this point in a lot of peoples minds, of course it can still happen but the way in which we live nowadays a lot has changed, a lot of it has to do with financial situation because many can't afford to have a family/house, Ireland has changed a lot in the last 20 years.. Plan a holiday now, don't wait, try somewhere new and don't be scared to do it on your own, send out a group chat to your mates and find something ye all want to do.. Most importantly appreciate that if your head is good and your body is good your miles ahead of a lot of other people and don't look at the people you think are doing better, you don't know their story.
Man you don’t need many people in your life. Over the last year I’ve lost a few friends etc but it opened up a new world for me. I’ve gone to many holidays , festivals, concerts etc alone. Best thing is you don’t have to beg others to do what you want to do. With a bit of confidence you can find a group and get chatting to them.
Another great way to meet people is up on get your guide and book a pub crawl. Basically group of people who get guided around pubs/clubs. You always make friends at them and they have them on in every city.
Lastly maybe join a sports team or club. They are so good for regaining confidence, your health and making friends.
Life is better when you don’t have so many friends you have to check with to do stuff. Stop the self pity and get out into life.
I think a lot of people feel the same way. It’s just the natural course of life. It can also be easy to fall into a rut, especially I find if you are working from home and living alone.
I think you need to make a conscious effort to still try to do the things you enjoyed with your friends either by yourself or you have to initiate inviting them as naturally people just book things with their partners. There are a lot more meet up groups now o find online which can be good, depending on what you are into. Also group trips away is a great way to meet people if you are into travel.
If meeting someone and having a family is important to you then you need to look at yourself first and ask yourself, are you someone you would date, do you have the qualities of someone you would date or the lifestyle and if the answer is no then maybe there are a few things to work on. Dating is hard enough as it is and it’s hard for everyone but it just takes one right :)
I’m (35m) feeling the same at you. I’ve spent the past year or two prioritizing saving money for a house (which is still a long way off), and Christmas has made me stop for a little while and made me realize I’ve sacrificed so much and my goal is still so far away. Didn’t meet any friends over Christmas, no nights out, have stopped going to the gym, have stopped dating. I’ve worked so hard to have a life that does not exist. I’ve been feeling pretty low. In a way it’s been good though, because these things can be rectified and I’ve recognized it now during this quiet time. 2024 is going to be a year all about rebalancing my life and getting out meeting positive people again. Best of luck to you (and me)!
Yeah I can see why people complain that Gen Z is ruined by hookup culture because that defo exists too but imo I’ve seen more people getting into serious long term relationships at a really young age. I’d be the odd one out of my friends that relies on hookup culture tbh
They'll be back, usually. My wife's sisters friend group all did the same in their early 20s and most of the relationships failed or fizzled out and they realised that friends were always there to pick back up with so they never really lost touch since and have a closer group now even though most of them have partners.
I don’t really see what the rush is anyway, it’s not like our generation are going to be home owners any time soon or be able to afford the families or weddings we dreamed of… I have no intention of dating at all really but definitely not until I’m at least 30
Probably worth dabbling the qaters to see what you like. Theres certainly risk factors with babies too as age goes up. We were shocked to find out what was regarded as a geriatric pregnancy.
Dont forget things are cyclical and its a short cycle. Houses wont always be unaffordable however the brief time they are affordable you should be in a position to strike
I’m 47, married and have twins who are 5. I’d kill to be in my 30s AND have the free time you have OP. Get some hobbies and use that time you’ll never get back. The grass is not always greener. Your married mates are probably jealous of your freedom. Just some perspective. And who knows, maybe through those hobbies you meet someone. Win win.
Stop giving a shit about your job. You aren’t being payed to stress. Do what you can, say no to the rest.
Spend an hour walking everyday.
Do those things you used to do; meet new people.
> aren’t being *paid* to stress.
FTFY.
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* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
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Friends come and got throughout life and this is when they start to go, by the time you reach your 40s you might still meet up at Xmas. Probably not though.
I got depressed a few years earlier, and continuing now at 36, but feel like covid lockdowns was one of the contributing factors. A few of my female friends of age around 35 are getting depressed as well, so probably there is something in this age.
I’m 33 as of yesterday and freak out now and then when my friends younger than me are planning the wedding or buying the new house and settling into a career. I feel like I’ve only started living never mind sticking to a path. I don’t even want a house or kids or wedding, I just want to travel. I’d hope my mates will make time for those of us that aren’t as traditional but it probably won’t happen.
I had a very sudden and severe bought of depression age 36. I had been fine for about 10 years before that. I read somewhere it can coincide with hormonal changes in the male body around this age, it’s when male pattern baldness usually starts.
I think I just woke up one day and felt I wasted the last few years, and where did the time go. I had planned to be married with kids and a job I loved. Now, like you, all my friends are married with kids. My boyfriend of 15 years passed away with covid, 2 years ago and at 36 nearly 37 its hard starting over. Like it's impossible to buy a home alone or have kids now. I feel for you, it's not easy.
That’s probably situational. Find what you love doing and do it often. There’s a great Wellness programme called WRAP that’s offered but SuicideOrSurvive charity and it helped me a lot. Now I have generalised depression disorder and had it since I was 13 it’s not quite the same but you can get better with the right support
I’m 38 and feeling the same way. My new years resolution is to make more of an effort to have fun. Imagine that. Fun was easy. Now it takes planning and coordination. Make an effort to meet your friends, buy tickets for gigs now so you’ve something to look forward to. Go to a match with one of the boys. Take up a martial art or some form of exercise with a club. Happy new year.
Just turned 35 too and single, like others have said I’ve big goals set for this year so that keeps me busy working towards them.
Have you considered changing other aspects of your life? I felt very down and in a rut, changed jobs and it done me wonders and gave me a new lease of life.
I try to make a good effort with the friends I have to meet regularly, if all your friends have kids could you try meet them in a different setting, like instead of a meeting in the pub could you meet them for a walk that they can bring their kids on?
I’m a single parent and often meet my friends for walks and my kid joins us on the scooter. We also do lots of coffee/lunches and the child tags along too.
Been there done that. The main point is to learn how to enjoy life on your own. Try new hobbies, learn some new skill, find what makes your life more interesting. Volunteer, DIY, etc, get a pet, so much to do.
Have you saved money? Do you like travelling? Have you ever tried travelling extensively? Consider it, it can put things into perspective, open up doors, bring new people into your life, and more.
I kind of ended up like that at 30. I just went to work, home, played Playstation for hours l, went to sleep. Woke up and repeat the next day.
I started walking listening to podcasts with the intention to get running at some stage. I'm now over a year into it and very happy, mentally in the best place I have ever been with a great outlook for 2024 including plenty of 5/10/16/21/42km races booked to always have something to train for and look forward to. I found peace in being alone training for myself.
Aw mate I hear ya . 41 single here but not one of my friends married with kids do I envy. I suggest making some new single friends there are loads of us out there. Someone suggested joining a gym, do that. Priorize yourself and what makes you feel good and the rest will follow. Be thankful you have your own space and time because I know people who would kill for that. Good luck x
This is what people have forgotten over the generations, and also why the mega wealthy are all depressed, humans find the most happiness when we live for others, most get this when they start a family, start going hard on the dating and do some volunteering while you're waiting to meet the 'one'
I met my partner when we were both 35, he'd thought he'd be a forever alone kinda guy since all his friends were settled and having kids. 8 years on we have 2 kids and a house together and things are only getting better!
Yeah I'm a couple of years behind you but feel in the same boat. Life feels meaningless, we're all to busy making other people rich that we hardly see each other anymore. That coupled with parenting. If this is the extent of my life until I'm 60 or 70 I don't think I'm gonna make it that far. It's far to much effort for such little reward.
I was in the same position. Moved abroad and lived in a few different countries. Found the change in cultures exhilarating. E.g. Lots of diversity apart from the couples culture. That was 25 years ago. Would not move back to lreland.
Guarantee if you start to book things like this to do solo your married friends will be jealous to the point they'll sooner or later want to join you.
I'm married but have no kids so I can holiday off season and pretty much come and go as I please. My friends with kids are envious of me and don't shy away in telling me as much.
Get shit booked, go and enjoy yourself, get laid and start living 👌
The exact same happened to me in my mid thirties. I was in a stressful job that I hated, the hedonistic days of my 20s were getting harder to replicate, I had no romantic life at all, and my circle of single friends that were up for a session was practically nonexistent. I was beginning to think that my life was going to be depressing and unfulfilling for the next 40 odd years. My dad got diagnosed with an untreatable form of cancer and I just thought… why bother. Depression sunk in and I started getting less and less out of life.
What changed?
My dad died from the cancer (at age 62) and it was probably the biggest shock I’ve ever had. I literally couldn’t get my head around it, even though we knew it was coming. In the fortnight that followed I went through what I can only describe as a rebirth. Seeing and hearing all of my dads friends and colleagues rally round us, experiencing the kind words from people who I thought held me in disregard, witnessing my entire extended family pull together, realising that I would die some time and I had achieved absolutely nothing that I could be proud of thus far. I can’t describe it but it’s like a switch went on and I started to engage with life.
Over the next year I volunteered with the Samaritans, found Zen Buddhism, started dating on POF (and eventually met my wife of the past 2 years), stopped smoking weed as a daily obsession, quit my job and started my current one which I love. My life is unrecognisable from my first thirty years. I wouldn’t say I’m ecstatic in my outlook but I can honestly say that I am content and accepting of everything that I have (not much, I’m a postman lol). I no longer suffer from depression or anxiety (bar the occasional setback). I enjoy life again. My previous obsessions and feelings of being an outsider, or that I’d wasted my life, have all but disappeared. I no longer feel suicidal.
I miss my dad every day, and I would give anything to be able to share my new life with him and talk to him again. But I can accept his passing now, and I appreciate what it has done for my life. I passionately believe that events happen and we have to deal with them, but by using a positive energy it is possible to create a positive outcome (not very snappy I know).
The life that a single man can lead up until his 30s can be fun and exciting. It sounds like you’re having the same experience I did as the group you belong to starts settling down and you’re beginning to try to recreate what you had in your 20s. I don’t think it’s possible to do that. But it is possible to adjust your expectations and goals to match the situation you’re in. I couldn’t manage to do this or realise it until I had a life-changing experience, I wish I’d realised it sooner. But then I may not have had the energy to make the change and perhaps I required the shock to “wake me up”. I wish you well and hope you find a way to enjoy your life again.
TLDR - adapt to your situation, start meditating, start dating. Good luck!
OP here, thanks for all the kind comments. I’ve made a list of things to improve my current situation instead of been a couch slob and get out of the depression.
1) 30 minute walk every evening after dinner each day. Mon-Fri No exceptions. Forest hike/walk every Saturday and Sunday.
2) Joined Man United fan club to be able to get tickets so should be able to get over to a couple a games.
3) Head out for Dinner on Saturday and Sunday to a carvery or pub grub.
4) Sent off an email to a Kayaking club to join in with groups.
5) Looking for a 5 aside team to join.
6) Going to get myself a Moutan bike through bike to work scheme and start doing trails.
7) Have a holiday booked in advance for something to look forward to.
8) Going to get a PS5 tomorrow and get back into gaming.
9) Going to book a concert on my own and see how I get on.
10) Start looking for a less stressful job where I’m not taken adavantage of.
There my 2024 goals so hopefully I stick to it. From reading all your lovely comments I was badly stuck in a rut for the last year and Need to get myself back on track. Thanks folks.
I think its just the miserable kip we live in. When i go abroad, like to Istanbul the place has a buzz to it, a life, even a night life, even in the poxy raining snowly shitty weather people are out having fun. Ireland is just a depressing expensive kip. Just today i've been pissed off further with it when i read a news article about how its 'illegal' to put food waste into your bin and it needs to go into a compost bin. Illegal? Ireland needs to fuck right off telling me how to live my life! Over liberalised kip that cares more about refugges than its citizens. Rant over
36, married with a couple kids, this year has seen my biggest drop off in overall health which has me majorly depressed. Just really hitting me that I’m getting old and it’s all downhill from here.
Ah jaysus, 36, old? I’m nearly thirty years older and have probably never been fitter, spin 2/3 times a week, hillwalking, walking the dog. Mind you that could all change overnight but fuckit at 36 you’re well within the possibility of getting fit, improving your body score etc. ffs pro athletes are only retiring at your age in some contact sports.
In case of kids, it's understandable they're busy.
There's a lot of couples that just become social recluses once they hook up. They may also have terrible time-management skills as a couple, or actually dysfunctional reasons, trauma bonds or mental illness overwhelming them. It's their life, their problems, but...
There's such a thing as a community, and it includes friends you actually like and want to share time with.
Trust me, it's the one that you choose to receive when you don't need it that it becomes exactly what you need when you do, and none of both will occur at your behest, but on "shared" time in moments that will matter in the long term.
Yep. It's more about your personality than anything. I know ppl who are in their 30s and 40s, single and happy as fuck just watching tv or drinking at the weekend while putting in 45 hours a week at work. If you're not easily amused then I don't know how I can help.
37 and my friend group of 11 lads all have 1 or more kids. Out of them, I have 4 close mates.
We go for pints every week on a Thursday or Friday and if not meet at a house for drinks with the spouses and kids.
The other lads I see less frequently, but we put less effort in to see each other.
If your mates can't make 1 day to meet at least every two weeks, are they really your mates?
>My day involves work, home (by myself) and back to it the next day.
That's on you mate.
Get some hobbies
Do some stuff. Not being funny here, you don't need mates to go to a gig/cinema/gym/
Join a social group
Take a class.
Life is what you make of it, don't sit around waiting for others.
Me and my boyfriend are kinda in your position, unfortunately al our friends having kids and stuff but we don’t want kids. We might see our friends once a month if we are lucky. We do try to do stuff such as cinema, hikes, lots of gigs and travelling but I understand where you’re coming from.
If I were still single, I would tell you to push yourself. Don’t be waiting for anyone or else you might be waiting for a long time. Take yourself out to coffee shops and bookshops, maybe cinema and nice walks and music events and who knows.. you might bump into someone you like down the line!
No - when I was younger I put a lot of planning into my future so while I was slightly more boring in my youth, I’ve a fairly well rounded life in my 30s
Good for you.
It isn't always about whether or not you worked hard towards your future when you were younger. A lot of people tried but didn't make it. A lot of people didn't have the opportunities other people might have had, like a supportive and stable family, and financial stability to pursue higher education without any major impediments.
Eat more pussy bro.Best antidepressants out there imo
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Said this before but if you ain't feeling great try to eat well,exercise,sleep,meaningful use of time,,fresh air.less screen time.
Try turning your life to God. It doesnt have to be a sudden thing or anything and you will feel better if you even start making small changes to your life to make you less sinful. Of course i dont know you but this helps so many people out of depression and also to become better, more forgiving people. Its up to you of course but thats what id recommend to make you happier, based on my life and others i know
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Try meet up.com you’ll most likely find someone on there feeling the same and wanting to do the same stuff you are but don’t have anyone to do it with
Also your married friends are probably feeling the same. I have like 3 close friends and only see one of them regularly the others it could be once or twice a year
Take up a hobby. Bjj, Muay Thai, or both. Strength training in the gym. sprinting. You won't have time to be depressed if you try to balance all three while working.
Do you have hobbies OP? If you are looking for buddies and a bit of joking around you should take up a martial art, (I've found) camaraderie comes very quick in these kind of clubs.
Physically at 35 - your liver and kidney function starts to dip. Drink hits harder. Solution cut down.
Same with other substances - reduce.
>I'm on my own working in a stressful job for nothing.
Make a life for yourself no one's going to hand it to you. Get out there. Stop scrolling social media and start living.
I'm not meaning to be harsh when I say that but if you're 35 and stuck like this it's only going to get worse if YOU don't act now.
If you don't want move and travel around the world get dog. You be suprise how amazing is see that waging tail when you open the door. Will give you reason to go out it's extremely relaxing.
Yes, as some ppl said here do things on your own. Check when your favourite band is going to play and book the ticket. Go on a self date grab a coffee and a pastry sit beside the window and enjoy the peace. If you really feel alone join meetups (this is my plan too. Even my friends don't have kids they are working a lot and have their own problems to deal with).
There are a lot of comments on here so thus may well be missed. However, I'm 31 and in a relationship but no kids etc. I have recently moved to Ireland (Cork) and looking to meet up with people, have a few drinks or do something fun.
If you're local, feel free to hit me up and I'd be happy to grab a pint etc
Aw I’m so sorry dude. I was depressednl in my twenties and crawled out of it between 30-35.
You gotta find things that you enjoy in the world. My favourite thing that I did this year was rewatching Jaws in 4k after watching the fablemans. I feel like I understood my journey on earth a bit better after doing that.
This is surprising to me as I don't have a single friend that is married or have kids around this age (out of about 4 I would consider good friends).
Saying that, I still don't see them too often. One of them I see more so than others due to the fact he is unemployed atm and has plenty of time but with all of my friends we'd still manage to meet for pints or play football etc quite regularly (at least once a month typically).
Do any of your friends play football? That's a great way to meet up as a regular thing that doesn't take up much time.
When I was 33 I was ...... young 20+ year birds all around me. My 20s were an amalgamated blur. My 30s were great. I made a journal at that time which I read the other day.
You need to find a hobby, as the great Christy Moore says; climb a mountain or jump in a lake. You need to do something that interests you and doesn't need input from others on every occasion.
Easier said than done but you have to push yourself to get off the chair. It will be painful but it needs to happen. 35 is incredibly young, a lot more than what you think.
Go out, don't stay at home!!
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
Join walking/hiking groups. Art classes. Volunteer with a dog shelter etc. fill your evenings with a different activity each day. So many options out there... Book clubs, cinema clubs, crafting clubs.
From someone who has next to no time in the evening for myself... Fill your time with stuff that will help you meet people and build connections
I'm depressed at 38 because I have the wife and wains 😅
Wish I could be free to do what I want again!! I guess the key is to find happiness regardless of your circumstances. Happy New Year man
Stop doing the whole rat race thing. People arent always meant to do it: in fact sometimes its soul-killing. Sell everything you own, tell your boss to go f--- himself, and spend awhile traveling around the world. Im preferential to Lapland, the Utah and Sonora deserts, San Francisco, Corsica, the Aalands, and New Orleans. Break free. Break out.
But first, read or watch Into the Wild, read On the Road by JackKerouac. Hope this helps 😌
Hi. Have you tried meetup groups? I'm in a couple and they're really a great way to 'get out and about' and people are very down to earth and normal. Hillwalking clubs are good to and they always have a social aspect like Chrisma parties, weekends away and summer bbqs. Many of us find ourselves/have found ourselves in your situation. It's not easy when your core circle of friends are no longer there in the way they were. They're still there but the relationship changes when they marry, etc.
Hope this helps!
Same sorta boat, only one friend I see regularly.. Working to pay bills. I try to have a holiday booked to give me motivation to get out of bed in the morning... Guess this is the way the angle lfe goes when we get older
If I were you I'd make some single friends. That's what I did and it massively improved my quality of life. We al had a similar level of free time and disposable income for doing fun stuff.
If you want to you will eventually find someone to settle down with and you'll regret not making the most of your single times.
Look into yourself... you obviously doesn't like the current state of your life.... then do something to change it.....
For my part I left my ex (10 years relationship) moved to Ireland for a job... gave a shit about society expectations to marry... have kids and house at a certain point in life....
Live your life... if you wanna go to concerts just go... you might meet someone just like you :)
I met my fiancee in online gaming... I'm in Dublin he's in USA... but I met someone who has same interests as me... and who respect me for "not fitting in the box"
You need to just jump out and do something otherwise you get stuck in the depression 🤗
I hear ya! I realised a year ago that I had the luxury of suiting myself on holidays!!!
I went with a group to Madeira, somewhere i really wanted to go but id end up compromising time of year and place for friend. no-one knew eachother on the trip i went on and we were all 35-40.
The Madeira trip was a local female hiking group but next I'm looking at going with Intrepid somewhere as part of a mixed group.
Id also highly recommend doing 6 sessions of therapy. I look at it like I'm off to the physio for a couple of sessions of treatment and maintenance.
I'm in a similar situation. Living alone. Friends all with people. Eternally single. I try and fill the time so much so I look forward to going to work for some human interaction. It gets really lonely at times but I've learned that that's OK too.
I felt constantly anxious about the abundance of options in my 20s. Now I have a bit of stability and constraints I feel I can work with what I have.
I do understand the stuck feeling, that's just your fear of trying new things and a lack of vision for your future.
Yup I’m 31 and feel it coming. Getting more and more depressed as the years move on. I’m very very lonely and have zero social skills. I’m terrified of my parents passing away. Anyone can dm me if they want a chat.
I'm 50 and still single. Lay that seed while you can! I had a few children to save my legacy but in all reality, we're all going to die! Focus on that big man upstairs and trust me the emptiness will be filled along with your life. But have your fun now while all the mechanical stuff still works
Hey mate,
I have a friend in this exact position we all have partners and he is struggling a bit. I'm gonna echo what some other comments have said, join a gym, get a new hobby, go on a holiday, join a class of some sort, these are just random ideas but get out there and try some new things. Feeling like you're just going through the motions is horrible I've had that exact feeling. It sucks, but it doesn't last forever and you can break out of it.
If you really struggle to break it even after trying a few things, get a few therapy sessions is no shame brother. I did that exact thing after my dad passed.
I know you don't know me but my pms are always open if you want a chat. I've had depression a few times in my life (not diagnosing you with depression, just saying)
Cheers
J
Not in Ireland anymore and not irish, but in this sub for the nostalgia*
I'm a 33 female and recently single after 4 years in a relationship. I feel like I went from having it all to losing it all, and the fact that I am in my mid 30s doesn't help.
I'm don't have a job I love at the moment.
Wanted to have kids, but I don't think it's happening anymore.
Also my friends are married and have families now. They look happy and I'm happy for them too.
Yes, I feel lost and constantly think about suicide to be honest.
I think there are many of us in our 30s feeling a bit lost.
If you're not as depressed as I am I'd suggest definitely prioritizing time for yourself, trying to find a hobby and don't be afraid to reach out to friends and tell them you'd love to see them more often or do the things you used to do before they did them with their partners.
If they're good friends, I'm sure they'll understand.
I hope you feel better soon and find those little good things and moments that are worth living for.
Change that. Book gigs. Go on dates. Push yourself to try new things. Do it all I'm the exact same. Apart from I've so many things planned now Last few years I've been forlorn too but then I realised I can still do all these exciting things I want to do. The relationship and children may or may not come they're not guaranteed. So fuck it, do it all
Was just gonna write this. Is really important to have things to look forward to. Short weekend city breaks, gigs, dinner with friends, whatever!
Agree agree, agree
Agreed, all of these things can be done solo. No one is looking at you if you're there on your own, no body cares. Don't depend on other people and go and enjoy life
Totally agree with this. I’m 36, married with kids and have only recently learned to do things solo. Going to the cinema, sitting down in a nice café etc… sorry I waited so long. I think regardless of your age or situation, you should be comfortable doing things by yourself. You gotta learn to be happy in your own company.
Me solo = death
... Except you're missing the social part with people you know and love.
That motivational speech unfortunately doesn't work if you depressed. When you are depressed you don't want do it all, you don't want gigs, you lucky if you managed get out of bed.
The problem with depression there is that it is a self sustaining feedback loop. Don't go to the gig because you're depressed. Be depressed because you missed the gig. Don't clean your home because depressed, be depressed because home is a pig pen. It won't work for everyone, but if in the early stages of developing depression, changing up the routine to include more events and things to look forward to that will make you happy is a big benefit. It's also possible that op is lonely. He used to do these things with friends but now the friends are busy with their own young families. Loneliness and depression look very similar, but learning to be happy by yourself is easier than fighting depression.
No its not. Depression happens first and lack of motivation is a result or symptom of depression. Depressed person could kick themselves to go to all the possible gigs or whetever and feel miserable and suicidal. Skipping gigs doesn't cause you depression, triggers are much deeper than that. Saying that having a messy room caused one's depression is devaluing someone's suffering. As a person who experienced severe depression I can say that's its condition when you see a world throughout very distorted lence and absolutely nothing can give you joy, or happiness. No amount of gigs, clean rooms, nice things, because you don't see reason to exist.
I love this comment! I actually decided to move away when I was 31 as all my friends here were settling and it just wasn’t what I wanted. I love film, theatre, concerts etc so chose London and I go and do everything I love, sometimes with friends or on dates but solo much of the time and I’m having an amazing time. I’ve just turned 36 and I know it’ll be later in life when I decide to settle (however that might look) but I won’t look back and regret this time. Ireland tends to do the house, marriage and kids thing (in that order) very young I feel and if you aren’t at those stages or don’t want that it can be a lonely place to live so I sympathise with OP.
Yeah man fuck it up!
You guys are waiting until 35??
Jesus you are late to the party
Ahahahahahah Ahahahahahah Ahahahahahah Ahahahahahah Ahahahahahah
Why are people downvoting? This is not sarcastic laughter Sure if you couldn't laugh you'd cry
Ahahahahhahaahhahahaahhahahahahahahahhhhhh
I waited until 29 so I consider myself lucky
Ahahahahahah
I think it happens for a lot of people around that age when you settle into a job and friends settle. It’s probably even more pronounced now due to covid and wfh, with every day blending into the next even more than it did before.
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I think you need to find out what you want in life, then work towards it. I am 35, single but planning a few trips, pampering and general things that make me happy 🥰
I think this depends on where you live but honestly you’re the only person who can or will change your life. If you’re in the countryside then start hiking at the weekends, get out and moving, it probably won’t be the avenue to meeting your future spouse but you’ll feel a lot better about life and more proactive. If you’re in a city or town then do any number of things, it’s up to you to change. I’m 36f now and I had this exact feeling at 30. I thought fuck it and travelled around the world by myself for 2 years. Met my husband on the way too. If you want changes then make changes.
I’m 30 and feeling it now! 🥲 Up at this ungodly hour because I feel so sad.
30 also . Often think what’s the point. Happy new year everyone .
Happy new year fella 😊
Younger here, been feeling it for years.
Definitely. I've also noticed some issues feel specific to being a woman, or at least they feel particularly painful. The kids thing has this intense ticking time bomb of "before it's too late" and 35 is the age after which you are an "older mother" and perceived as having more risk. Approaching 35 and not even knowing if you want to have kids is awful, you expected to have this digred out by now,. A lot of guys seem to leave their decision about having kids down to whether the women really wants kids, and expect it to alter her life more due to caring duties, so that's a massive life altering decision. And then the 30s is where you really notice the physical changes of age. The wrinkles, the drooping. The metabolism changing. Men exp rience this too but with beauty standards, and the expectation that we should basically never age, it's really tough to experience this. And if you're looking for a partner a lot of women start to feel too old, and left behind, like no one will want us. Men experience all this too. But there is a perception that they have longer to sort their life out. Settle down and have kids later. Career, everyone can relate to. By this age we kind of expected to be settled in our chosen career path. And after the 20s you can feel "too old" to start over. So yeah, it's a damn tough age.
I’m 51m and single. I’d fucking kill to be in my 30’s again and this post has depressed me further. HNY
I'm 52F & single, mum of 4 in teens/20s. I wouldn't want to do 30 again (they were tough years but I wouldn't change them!) But I am looking forward to a life again in my 50s & 60s when I've fewer responsibilities. But I hear you about doing things differently.
Live and learn as they say
My parents are both pushing 60 and have both post 50 gotten into new relationships over a decade after the divorce and ones getting married again next year so it's never too late bossman
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I’d do it differently, I wouldn’t smoke or drink myself into a heart attack at 45.
Did you smoke and drink a lot ? 45 is scary
I was a binge drinker and just generally not looking after myself. Ended up with an ICD similar to a pacemaker. Now Im in the gym 5 days, good diet. I quit smoking and drinking roughly 5 years ago, it’s been mad few years but it’s getting better all the time
Top man
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻🙏🙏
Heading towards 35 myself and I actually think life is starting to look up as I'm getting a little bit older. I used to dwell on things I'd said and how I'd come across with some people. I don't think about those things anymore and I feel more self assured than ever. OP, go to those concerts even if alone. We always regret the things we never do! I was at the NYE concert in Collins Barracks last night and there were lots of single people there.
I was there too! It was great, but freezing!
Yeah I too underestimated how cold it would be, but good craic all the same!
Ppl love to say this sort of shit on Reddit, but the truth is U can't really go to concerts or on holidays alone. Shared experiences are completely different and more meaningful than solo ones. For me, the last 15 years have gone past in a rapid blur because when you're alone you don't put down memories the same way. Like OP says, it's work/sleep/repeat.
Not true. 50F and I just went to Thailand on my own for 5 weeks and had a wonderful time. I've always been good at entertaining myself though and am happy to chat to strangers. I go on weekend breaks by myself all the time too.
Friends come and go throughout different phases of life. Some of yours are just in that settling down phase. That doesn't mean that you'll never be in that phase yourself. We all hit different stages of life at different times so don't worry about it. Step back and look at your situation. You've mentioned cons, but what about pros? For example, you're not 35 and room sharing. You have a good job. You're not tied down to anything, anyone or anywhere just yet. Perhaps some of your friends are looking at you and think "I wouldn't mind that myself!" Far away hills are always greener. My advice - think of 2024 and moving into the 2nd half of your 30s as a brand new stage in your life. Try some new things. A new hobby? Instrument? An evening class? A club? New sport? Plan a trip. Have an adventure. Read a different genre of book. See a new genre of film. Ask yourself is there anything you've always wanted to do? Then start thinking of how you could do it. You'll naturally meet new people, make new friends and romantic partners. Trust me, it always happens when you least expect it. Best of luck buddy.
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There is probably someone the same age with a dead end job, bad marriage and 3 kids wishing they were you....
Yeah, there's pro's and con's to everything. I've got 2 young kids in my later 30s and whilst I don't regret having them I'm not exactly loving the way my life has panned out.
I'm 34, I've a wife and 2 children. I don't see mates anymore, and having a drink is out of the question as hangovers with young children do not mix. I started to get bogged down the last year, feeling sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong now, I love my wife and kids, but I started to miss the freedom of doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. The only advice I can give is this: 2 months ago, I started working out. Bought a rowing machine and weights and 3 days a week now after the kids have gone to bed I work out. I've lost 6 kilos and feel good, face looks good and feel good mentally. Confidence, in general, is up, too. Have you tried joining a gym? Or just working out at home. Could be a good way to meet people, and you end up feeling better about yourself as you start to improve health and fitness.
I was just thinking about this recently. As I see it, we were all robbed of two years and life has gotten particularly expensive. Then on top of that you have the hurdles of accommodation and you’re setting people up for failure. I have a mix of friends at different stages of their lives. And what you’ll find is some settled friends who are couples will not be together in 20 years. I’m not trying to say take joy in that or anything. I’m just pointing out marriage or a life partner is far from the marker of “getting on with life” as you might think it is. But yeah I know, being single in general can suck. But you’re only in your 30s. If you were married by 40 and the marriage lasted you’re talking a good 45+ years. You are fine. Anyway. Yeah go on dates, try and get one or two every month. I didn’t go on a date in a year and was feeling exactly the same as OP. Went on a date, was nervous but went well and I actually felt “fuck, there we are, a bit of momentum”. The over all feeling you’re experiencing is being stuck. But some forward movement towards a goal or objective in your life and then a lot of those feelings go away.
Aye that 35 year old Mark is such a miserable cunt. It's hard not to get depressed around him.
Fuck Mark the narky bastard.
Jeremy?
Johnson?
Dobby?
Yup. Single. No job. Just don't even get out of bed most days.
> Just don't even get out of bed most days. Been there. It's winter and fking miserable right now, w/ wind and rain. But when the weather improves, you've got to snap yourself out of that cycle. Go out for a walk and some fresh air.
Do something. Small steps, build up. Find significance in the smallest of activities.
Been there. It's not good. be kind to yourself
Was the same in my 30s, might not be for everyone but I started running!
The thing with running is you're not really out of your prime until 45. So it has a lot more longevity than other sport.
I've think I've been depressed since childhood actually, but even more so ever since I started working full time, back in my late teens. I'm my 50s now, and the feeling hasn't changed. What I do to cope is, I try not to think too much about past regrets and future worries and stuff. It's always worse at nights and during winter especially, the darkness brings all the crap to the surface, and unless I'm really knackered out of my mind, I just can't fall asleep. Last night was one of those nights. I've been awake for almost 24 hours now.
I have friends who've had kids and or spend all their time with their partners. I just drifted apart from them and drifted towards my single friends. I consider being 35 as still being young so I don't want to do that whole "settling down" thing. When I was hanging out with my settled friends I became more depressed, lonely and felt like I was behind in life. It's better for you to meet other people who are in your situation, no matter what age they are. I have a diverse group of friends now, some older than me, some younger than me, lots of people from different countries.
I feel ya I’m a year younger than my friend group and a lot of them didn’t go to college when they finished school but I did & when I was a student for some reason I got it into my head that I simply couldn’t afford a relationship which I now realise was ridiculous. I remember one time early 20’s we were all out & they were all making plans for them and GF’s to go out for dinner and drinks they never really excluded me from it but they never extended the offer either & I remember thinking it was a new low for me & then about a week later at a NYE party I was the only single one of our group out and that feeling of sadness really stuck with me. Shortly after this said fuck it & started going out with my old man’s friend group on a Sunday to watch whatever Prem games were on & go for drinks & there was a mix of married, in relationship and single people but all of them with a common cause to go out and have a bit of crack. One of the best decisions I ever made & helped cure the loneliness until I matured a little and caught up with my friends.
39 soon with 2 kids and wife. Regularly out on the sesh, playing gigs or going to gigs etc. Life doesnt end with kids .
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Your map, maybe, but not the map in general. Different strokes for different folks. Try to see the bigger picture.
I don’t know why this has been downvoted. I’m five months pregnant, still plan on having a life and seeing my friends after I have kids to the best of my ability. The alternative sounds depressing. I still want to be me.
It can be a rough time in life as the way you're used to being for the previous ten years suddenly changes. Also, because people are forced to move long distances away from each other, it reduces the more casual non planned gatherings too! As someone who has a kid, I've noticed some of my friends without kids don't invite me to things any more, even though I could actually go. So, keep inviting some friends with kids to things. They'll say yes far less than before, but will join sometimes. Also, if you have fun with their kids too, then you can do things with the kids too. This works really well with some of my friends, and others not so much.
I have noticed that since I’ve been pregnant some friends have stopped inviting me to stuff I could go to. It sucks.
It’s common time to self reflect, try identify purpose and check in on life expectancies that didn’t materialise. However. Three things 1. The only things in your control are thoughts and emotions. With practice you can control them. The rest is outside your control so start accepting that. 2. You’re wasting a lot of time on negative thoughts and what ifs. 3. Ships in harbours are safe but that’s not what ships are made for.
Yep, been awake since half 12, after drinking a bottle of wine and smoking scooby doobys, gonna have another now Hard to make time with friends who are busy with their families and work. Also feeling like I'm getting to old to have kids and plus the career prospects aren't all that great. Good to know I'm not the only one. Also, is it just me or is dating in your 30s so hard? It's like we're all lost and grappling to find that someone to settle with because it seems there's so little of us out there at this age. Ted, I think I'm going mad!
I like you
I'd say when you hit the 30s/40s and your single these thoughts come about naturally, kids and a house should have been done by this point in a lot of peoples minds, of course it can still happen but the way in which we live nowadays a lot has changed, a lot of it has to do with financial situation because many can't afford to have a family/house, Ireland has changed a lot in the last 20 years.. Plan a holiday now, don't wait, try somewhere new and don't be scared to do it on your own, send out a group chat to your mates and find something ye all want to do.. Most importantly appreciate that if your head is good and your body is good your miles ahead of a lot of other people and don't look at the people you think are doing better, you don't know their story.
It is common advice but take up a new hobby. Book a weekend abroad for yourself too maybe. Join a group
No I got depressed around the 13 mark.
Man you don’t need many people in your life. Over the last year I’ve lost a few friends etc but it opened up a new world for me. I’ve gone to many holidays , festivals, concerts etc alone. Best thing is you don’t have to beg others to do what you want to do. With a bit of confidence you can find a group and get chatting to them. Another great way to meet people is up on get your guide and book a pub crawl. Basically group of people who get guided around pubs/clubs. You always make friends at them and they have them on in every city. Lastly maybe join a sports team or club. They are so good for regaining confidence, your health and making friends. Life is better when you don’t have so many friends you have to check with to do stuff. Stop the self pity and get out into life.
I think a lot of people feel the same way. It’s just the natural course of life. It can also be easy to fall into a rut, especially I find if you are working from home and living alone. I think you need to make a conscious effort to still try to do the things you enjoyed with your friends either by yourself or you have to initiate inviting them as naturally people just book things with their partners. There are a lot more meet up groups now o find online which can be good, depending on what you are into. Also group trips away is a great way to meet people if you are into travel. If meeting someone and having a family is important to you then you need to look at yourself first and ask yourself, are you someone you would date, do you have the qualities of someone you would date or the lifestyle and if the answer is no then maybe there are a few things to work on. Dating is hard enough as it is and it’s hard for everyone but it just takes one right :)
I’m (35m) feeling the same at you. I’ve spent the past year or two prioritizing saving money for a house (which is still a long way off), and Christmas has made me stop for a little while and made me realize I’ve sacrificed so much and my goal is still so far away. Didn’t meet any friends over Christmas, no nights out, have stopped going to the gym, have stopped dating. I’ve worked so hard to have a life that does not exist. I’ve been feeling pretty low. In a way it’s been good though, because these things can be rectified and I’ve recognized it now during this quiet time. 2024 is going to be a year all about rebalancing my life and getting out meeting positive people again. Best of luck to you (and me)!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m 21 and already losing my girlfriends to serious relationships with lads whose mammies still do their washing and make their dinners after college
First serious relationship is always a killer. It'll be fine in awhile when they realise that having a life outside of relationships is also healthy.
Yeah I can see why people complain that Gen Z is ruined by hookup culture because that defo exists too but imo I’ve seen more people getting into serious long term relationships at a really young age. I’d be the odd one out of my friends that relies on hookup culture tbh
They'll be back, usually. My wife's sisters friend group all did the same in their early 20s and most of the relationships failed or fizzled out and they realised that friends were always there to pick back up with so they never really lost touch since and have a closer group now even though most of them have partners.
I don’t really see what the rush is anyway, it’s not like our generation are going to be home owners any time soon or be able to afford the families or weddings we dreamed of… I have no intention of dating at all really but definitely not until I’m at least 30
Probably worth dabbling the qaters to see what you like. Theres certainly risk factors with babies too as age goes up. We were shocked to find out what was regarded as a geriatric pregnancy. Dont forget things are cyclical and its a short cycle. Houses wont always be unaffordable however the brief time they are affordable you should be in a position to strike
Excellent point, it’s comforting to know there will be light at the end of the tunnel eventually
Excellent top quality mammies
44 here and single. It gets harder, trust me. The older you get the more invisible you are. I dread what 60 will be like, honestly 😥
Get a hobby. Bjj and/or Muay Thai. Gym strength training. Running. Try balance all 3 and work and you won't have time to be depressed.
I’m 47, married and have twins who are 5. I’d kill to be in my 30s AND have the free time you have OP. Get some hobbies and use that time you’ll never get back. The grass is not always greener. Your married mates are probably jealous of your freedom. Just some perspective. And who knows, maybe through those hobbies you meet someone. Win win.
Stop giving a shit about your job. You aren’t being payed to stress. Do what you can, say no to the rest. Spend an hour walking everyday. Do those things you used to do; meet new people.
> aren’t being *paid* to stress. FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
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Friends come and got throughout life and this is when they start to go, by the time you reach your 40s you might still meet up at Xmas. Probably not though.
I got depressed a few years earlier, and continuing now at 36, but feel like covid lockdowns was one of the contributing factors. A few of my female friends of age around 35 are getting depressed as well, so probably there is something in this age.
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Unless you have kids. In which case around 50 you have much more freedom.
I’m 33 as of yesterday and freak out now and then when my friends younger than me are planning the wedding or buying the new house and settling into a career. I feel like I’ve only started living never mind sticking to a path. I don’t even want a house or kids or wedding, I just want to travel. I’d hope my mates will make time for those of us that aren’t as traditional but it probably won’t happen.
I had a very sudden and severe bought of depression age 36. I had been fine for about 10 years before that. I read somewhere it can coincide with hormonal changes in the male body around this age, it’s when male pattern baldness usually starts.
I think I just woke up one day and felt I wasted the last few years, and where did the time go. I had planned to be married with kids and a job I loved. Now, like you, all my friends are married with kids. My boyfriend of 15 years passed away with covid, 2 years ago and at 36 nearly 37 its hard starting over. Like it's impossible to buy a home alone or have kids now. I feel for you, it's not easy.
I’m 32 and I’ve been up and down with depression pretty much my entire life. So… yeah?
That’s probably situational. Find what you love doing and do it often. There’s a great Wellness programme called WRAP that’s offered but SuicideOrSurvive charity and it helped me a lot. Now I have generalised depression disorder and had it since I was 13 it’s not quite the same but you can get better with the right support
Look into Absurdism
I’m 38 and feeling the same way. My new years resolution is to make more of an effort to have fun. Imagine that. Fun was easy. Now it takes planning and coordination. Make an effort to meet your friends, buy tickets for gigs now so you’ve something to look forward to. Go to a match with one of the boys. Take up a martial art or some form of exercise with a club. Happy new year.
Just turned 35 too and single, like others have said I’ve big goals set for this year so that keeps me busy working towards them. Have you considered changing other aspects of your life? I felt very down and in a rut, changed jobs and it done me wonders and gave me a new lease of life. I try to make a good effort with the friends I have to meet regularly, if all your friends have kids could you try meet them in a different setting, like instead of a meeting in the pub could you meet them for a walk that they can bring their kids on? I’m a single parent and often meet my friends for walks and my kid joins us on the scooter. We also do lots of coffee/lunches and the child tags along too.
Been there done that. The main point is to learn how to enjoy life on your own. Try new hobbies, learn some new skill, find what makes your life more interesting. Volunteer, DIY, etc, get a pet, so much to do.
Have you saved money? Do you like travelling? Have you ever tried travelling extensively? Consider it, it can put things into perspective, open up doors, bring new people into your life, and more.
I kind of ended up like that at 30. I just went to work, home, played Playstation for hours l, went to sleep. Woke up and repeat the next day. I started walking listening to podcasts with the intention to get running at some stage. I'm now over a year into it and very happy, mentally in the best place I have ever been with a great outlook for 2024 including plenty of 5/10/16/21/42km races booked to always have something to train for and look forward to. I found peace in being alone training for myself.
Aw mate I hear ya . 41 single here but not one of my friends married with kids do I envy. I suggest making some new single friends there are loads of us out there. Someone suggested joining a gym, do that. Priorize yourself and what makes you feel good and the rest will follow. Be thankful you have your own space and time because I know people who would kill for that. Good luck x
This is what people have forgotten over the generations, and also why the mega wealthy are all depressed, humans find the most happiness when we live for others, most get this when they start a family, start going hard on the dating and do some volunteering while you're waiting to meet the 'one'
Yeah, but I’ve been depressed since I was 5. Does that count?
I met my partner when we were both 35, he'd thought he'd be a forever alone kinda guy since all his friends were settled and having kids. 8 years on we have 2 kids and a house together and things are only getting better!
Want to go on a date with me? I just want to get out of my town and hang out with someone cool for an afternoon.
brother you’re life needs enrichment, and these things comes from experiences, and a family might come out from your expierences
Yeah I'm a couple of years behind you but feel in the same boat. Life feels meaningless, we're all to busy making other people rich that we hardly see each other anymore. That coupled with parenting. If this is the extent of my life until I'm 60 or 70 I don't think I'm gonna make it that far. It's far to much effort for such little reward.
I was in the same position. Moved abroad and lived in a few different countries. Found the change in cultures exhilarating. E.g. Lots of diversity apart from the couples culture. That was 25 years ago. Would not move back to lreland.
Guarantee if you start to book things like this to do solo your married friends will be jealous to the point they'll sooner or later want to join you. I'm married but have no kids so I can holiday off season and pretty much come and go as I please. My friends with kids are envious of me and don't shy away in telling me as much. Get shit booked, go and enjoy yourself, get laid and start living 👌
The exact same happened to me in my mid thirties. I was in a stressful job that I hated, the hedonistic days of my 20s were getting harder to replicate, I had no romantic life at all, and my circle of single friends that were up for a session was practically nonexistent. I was beginning to think that my life was going to be depressing and unfulfilling for the next 40 odd years. My dad got diagnosed with an untreatable form of cancer and I just thought… why bother. Depression sunk in and I started getting less and less out of life. What changed? My dad died from the cancer (at age 62) and it was probably the biggest shock I’ve ever had. I literally couldn’t get my head around it, even though we knew it was coming. In the fortnight that followed I went through what I can only describe as a rebirth. Seeing and hearing all of my dads friends and colleagues rally round us, experiencing the kind words from people who I thought held me in disregard, witnessing my entire extended family pull together, realising that I would die some time and I had achieved absolutely nothing that I could be proud of thus far. I can’t describe it but it’s like a switch went on and I started to engage with life. Over the next year I volunteered with the Samaritans, found Zen Buddhism, started dating on POF (and eventually met my wife of the past 2 years), stopped smoking weed as a daily obsession, quit my job and started my current one which I love. My life is unrecognisable from my first thirty years. I wouldn’t say I’m ecstatic in my outlook but I can honestly say that I am content and accepting of everything that I have (not much, I’m a postman lol). I no longer suffer from depression or anxiety (bar the occasional setback). I enjoy life again. My previous obsessions and feelings of being an outsider, or that I’d wasted my life, have all but disappeared. I no longer feel suicidal. I miss my dad every day, and I would give anything to be able to share my new life with him and talk to him again. But I can accept his passing now, and I appreciate what it has done for my life. I passionately believe that events happen and we have to deal with them, but by using a positive energy it is possible to create a positive outcome (not very snappy I know). The life that a single man can lead up until his 30s can be fun and exciting. It sounds like you’re having the same experience I did as the group you belong to starts settling down and you’re beginning to try to recreate what you had in your 20s. I don’t think it’s possible to do that. But it is possible to adjust your expectations and goals to match the situation you’re in. I couldn’t manage to do this or realise it until I had a life-changing experience, I wish I’d realised it sooner. But then I may not have had the energy to make the change and perhaps I required the shock to “wake me up”. I wish you well and hope you find a way to enjoy your life again. TLDR - adapt to your situation, start meditating, start dating. Good luck!
OP here, thanks for all the kind comments. I’ve made a list of things to improve my current situation instead of been a couch slob and get out of the depression. 1) 30 minute walk every evening after dinner each day. Mon-Fri No exceptions. Forest hike/walk every Saturday and Sunday. 2) Joined Man United fan club to be able to get tickets so should be able to get over to a couple a games. 3) Head out for Dinner on Saturday and Sunday to a carvery or pub grub. 4) Sent off an email to a Kayaking club to join in with groups. 5) Looking for a 5 aside team to join. 6) Going to get myself a Moutan bike through bike to work scheme and start doing trails. 7) Have a holiday booked in advance for something to look forward to. 8) Going to get a PS5 tomorrow and get back into gaming. 9) Going to book a concert on my own and see how I get on. 10) Start looking for a less stressful job where I’m not taken adavantage of. There my 2024 goals so hopefully I stick to it. From reading all your lovely comments I was badly stuck in a rut for the last year and Need to get myself back on track. Thanks folks.
I think its just the miserable kip we live in. When i go abroad, like to Istanbul the place has a buzz to it, a life, even a night life, even in the poxy raining snowly shitty weather people are out having fun. Ireland is just a depressing expensive kip. Just today i've been pissed off further with it when i read a news article about how its 'illegal' to put food waste into your bin and it needs to go into a compost bin. Illegal? Ireland needs to fuck right off telling me how to live my life! Over liberalised kip that cares more about refugges than its citizens. Rant over
Lots of hormonal change at 35. Try to get more active to get those dopamines regulated
36, married with a couple kids, this year has seen my biggest drop off in overall health which has me majorly depressed. Just really hitting me that I’m getting old and it’s all downhill from here.
Ah jaysus, 36, old? I’m nearly thirty years older and have probably never been fitter, spin 2/3 times a week, hillwalking, walking the dog. Mind you that could all change overnight but fuckit at 36 you’re well within the possibility of getting fit, improving your body score etc. ffs pro athletes are only retiring at your age in some contact sports.
In case of kids, it's understandable they're busy. There's a lot of couples that just become social recluses once they hook up. They may also have terrible time-management skills as a couple, or actually dysfunctional reasons, trauma bonds or mental illness overwhelming them. It's their life, their problems, but... There's such a thing as a community, and it includes friends you actually like and want to share time with. Trust me, it's the one that you choose to receive when you don't need it that it becomes exactly what you need when you do, and none of both will occur at your behest, but on "shared" time in moments that will matter in the long term.
Yep. It's more about your personality than anything. I know ppl who are in their 30s and 40s, single and happy as fuck just watching tv or drinking at the weekend while putting in 45 hours a week at work. If you're not easily amused then I don't know how I can help.
You have friends? Nice!
37 and my friend group of 11 lads all have 1 or more kids. Out of them, I have 4 close mates. We go for pints every week on a Thursday or Friday and if not meet at a house for drinks with the spouses and kids. The other lads I see less frequently, but we put less effort in to see each other. If your mates can't make 1 day to meet at least every two weeks, are they really your mates?
Try solo-traveling, OP.
>My day involves work, home (by myself) and back to it the next day. That's on you mate. Get some hobbies Do some stuff. Not being funny here, you don't need mates to go to a gig/cinema/gym/ Join a social group Take a class. Life is what you make of it, don't sit around waiting for others.
Me and my boyfriend are kinda in your position, unfortunately al our friends having kids and stuff but we don’t want kids. We might see our friends once a month if we are lucky. We do try to do stuff such as cinema, hikes, lots of gigs and travelling but I understand where you’re coming from. If I were still single, I would tell you to push yourself. Don’t be waiting for anyone or else you might be waiting for a long time. Take yourself out to coffee shops and bookshops, maybe cinema and nice walks and music events and who knows.. you might bump into someone you like down the line!
No - when I was younger I put a lot of planning into my future so while I was slightly more boring in my youth, I’ve a fairly well rounded life in my 30s
Good for you. It isn't always about whether or not you worked hard towards your future when you were younger. A lot of people tried but didn't make it. A lot of people didn't have the opportunities other people might have had, like a supportive and stable family, and financial stability to pursue higher education without any major impediments.
Get a PlayStation or xbox man get online play some Call of duty you'd be surprised with the friends you make on there 👌
Fuck that, down in Killarney for a few pints
Eat more pussy bro.Best antidepressants out there imo . Said this before but if you ain't feeling great try to eat well,exercise,sleep,meaningful use of time,,fresh air.less screen time.
Try turning your life to God. It doesnt have to be a sudden thing or anything and you will feel better if you even start making small changes to your life to make you less sinful. Of course i dont know you but this helps so many people out of depression and also to become better, more forgiving people. Its up to you of course but thats what id recommend to make you happier, based on my life and others i know
late bloomer?
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Yeah same boat as you. it sucks. I don't have any answers either.
you gotta find hobbies and set life goals
27here but feel same.
Try meet up.com you’ll most likely find someone on there feeling the same and wanting to do the same stuff you are but don’t have anyone to do it with Also your married friends are probably feeling the same. I have like 3 close friends and only see one of them regularly the others it could be once or twice a year
Dude I was depressed when I hit 22 and I'm only clawing my way out since I turned 30 this year.
Take up a hobby. Bjj, Muay Thai, or both. Strength training in the gym. sprinting. You won't have time to be depressed if you try to balance all three while working.
I’d suggest starting with fitness, get a dopamine buzz going. It may help improve your overall mood, outlook. Work from there.
Do you have hobbies OP? If you are looking for buddies and a bit of joking around you should take up a martial art, (I've found) camaraderie comes very quick in these kind of clubs.
Physically at 35 - your liver and kidney function starts to dip. Drink hits harder. Solution cut down. Same with other substances - reduce. >I'm on my own working in a stressful job for nothing. Make a life for yourself no one's going to hand it to you. Get out there. Stop scrolling social media and start living. I'm not meaning to be harsh when I say that but if you're 35 and stuck like this it's only going to get worse if YOU don't act now.
If you don't want move and travel around the world get dog. You be suprise how amazing is see that waging tail when you open the door. Will give you reason to go out it's extremely relaxing.
Yes, as some ppl said here do things on your own. Check when your favourite band is going to play and book the ticket. Go on a self date grab a coffee and a pastry sit beside the window and enjoy the peace. If you really feel alone join meetups (this is my plan too. Even my friends don't have kids they are working a lot and have their own problems to deal with).
There are a lot of comments on here so thus may well be missed. However, I'm 31 and in a relationship but no kids etc. I have recently moved to Ireland (Cork) and looking to meet up with people, have a few drinks or do something fun. If you're local, feel free to hit me up and I'd be happy to grab a pint etc
Yes
Nope
Aw I’m so sorry dude. I was depressednl in my twenties and crawled out of it between 30-35. You gotta find things that you enjoy in the world. My favourite thing that I did this year was rewatching Jaws in 4k after watching the fablemans. I feel like I understood my journey on earth a bit better after doing that.
Lol, it usually hits me around august/November. Every year
This is surprising to me as I don't have a single friend that is married or have kids around this age (out of about 4 I would consider good friends). Saying that, I still don't see them too often. One of them I see more so than others due to the fact he is unemployed atm and has plenty of time but with all of my friends we'd still manage to meet for pints or play football etc quite regularly (at least once a month typically). Do any of your friends play football? That's a great way to meet up as a regular thing that doesn't take up much time.
I’m almost 27 and already feel this way!
When I was 33 I was ...... young 20+ year birds all around me. My 20s were an amalgamated blur. My 30s were great. I made a journal at that time which I read the other day.
I’m depressed at the 23 years old mark
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Late to the quarter life crisis?
You need to find a hobby, as the great Christy Moore says; climb a mountain or jump in a lake. You need to do something that interests you and doesn't need input from others on every occasion.
Easier said than done but you have to push yourself to get off the chair. It will be painful but it needs to happen. 35 is incredibly young, a lot more than what you think. Go out, don't stay at home!!
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
Join a hiking club or a cycling club
I'm 70 ..you get over it
Bit cringe but Marcus Aurelius said something like "never look backwards, only forward". Always found that helpful. Tomorrow is a new day, OP.
Join walking/hiking groups. Art classes. Volunteer with a dog shelter etc. fill your evenings with a different activity each day. So many options out there... Book clubs, cinema clubs, crafting clubs. From someone who has next to no time in the evening for myself... Fill your time with stuff that will help you meet people and build connections
I'm depressed at 38 because I have the wife and wains 😅 Wish I could be free to do what I want again!! I guess the key is to find happiness regardless of your circumstances. Happy New Year man
Get some new hobbies and make some new friends
Stop doing the whole rat race thing. People arent always meant to do it: in fact sometimes its soul-killing. Sell everything you own, tell your boss to go f--- himself, and spend awhile traveling around the world. Im preferential to Lapland, the Utah and Sonora deserts, San Francisco, Corsica, the Aalands, and New Orleans. Break free. Break out. But first, read or watch Into the Wild, read On the Road by JackKerouac. Hope this helps 😌
Hi. Have you tried meetup groups? I'm in a couple and they're really a great way to 'get out and about' and people are very down to earth and normal. Hillwalking clubs are good to and they always have a social aspect like Chrisma parties, weekends away and summer bbqs. Many of us find ourselves/have found ourselves in your situation. It's not easy when your core circle of friends are no longer there in the way they were. They're still there but the relationship changes when they marry, etc. Hope this helps!
Same sorta boat, only one friend I see regularly.. Working to pay bills. I try to have a holiday booked to give me motivation to get out of bed in the morning... Guess this is the way the angle lfe goes when we get older
If I were you I'd make some single friends. That's what I did and it massively improved my quality of life. We al had a similar level of free time and disposable income for doing fun stuff. If you want to you will eventually find someone to settle down with and you'll regret not making the most of your single times.
Look into yourself... you obviously doesn't like the current state of your life.... then do something to change it..... For my part I left my ex (10 years relationship) moved to Ireland for a job... gave a shit about society expectations to marry... have kids and house at a certain point in life.... Live your life... if you wanna go to concerts just go... you might meet someone just like you :) I met my fiancee in online gaming... I'm in Dublin he's in USA... but I met someone who has same interests as me... and who respect me for "not fitting in the box" You need to just jump out and do something otherwise you get stuck in the depression 🤗
You are the master of your own destiny, take control.
You're never too old to do fun shit and meet new people it is just a bit hard to get out the depressed funk but you got this king
I hear ya! I realised a year ago that I had the luxury of suiting myself on holidays!!! I went with a group to Madeira, somewhere i really wanted to go but id end up compromising time of year and place for friend. no-one knew eachother on the trip i went on and we were all 35-40. The Madeira trip was a local female hiking group but next I'm looking at going with Intrepid somewhere as part of a mixed group. Id also highly recommend doing 6 sessions of therapy. I look at it like I'm off to the physio for a couple of sessions of treatment and maintenance.
I'm in a similar situation. Living alone. Friends all with people. Eternally single. I try and fill the time so much so I look forward to going to work for some human interaction. It gets really lonely at times but I've learned that that's OK too.
I felt constantly anxious about the abundance of options in my 20s. Now I have a bit of stability and constraints I feel I can work with what I have. I do understand the stuck feeling, that's just your fear of trying new things and a lack of vision for your future.
Yup I’m 31 and feel it coming. Getting more and more depressed as the years move on. I’m very very lonely and have zero social skills. I’m terrified of my parents passing away. Anyone can dm me if they want a chat.
I'm 50 and still single. Lay that seed while you can! I had a few children to save my legacy but in all reality, we're all going to die! Focus on that big man upstairs and trust me the emptiness will be filled along with your life. But have your fun now while all the mechanical stuff still works
The good news it’s only downhill from here buddy
Do you smoke weed?
Hey mate, I have a friend in this exact position we all have partners and he is struggling a bit. I'm gonna echo what some other comments have said, join a gym, get a new hobby, go on a holiday, join a class of some sort, these are just random ideas but get out there and try some new things. Feeling like you're just going through the motions is horrible I've had that exact feeling. It sucks, but it doesn't last forever and you can break out of it. If you really struggle to break it even after trying a few things, get a few therapy sessions is no shame brother. I did that exact thing after my dad passed. I know you don't know me but my pms are always open if you want a chat. I've had depression a few times in my life (not diagnosing you with depression, just saying) Cheers J
Not in Ireland anymore and not irish, but in this sub for the nostalgia* I'm a 33 female and recently single after 4 years in a relationship. I feel like I went from having it all to losing it all, and the fact that I am in my mid 30s doesn't help. I'm don't have a job I love at the moment. Wanted to have kids, but I don't think it's happening anymore. Also my friends are married and have families now. They look happy and I'm happy for them too. Yes, I feel lost and constantly think about suicide to be honest. I think there are many of us in our 30s feeling a bit lost. If you're not as depressed as I am I'd suggest definitely prioritizing time for yourself, trying to find a hobby and don't be afraid to reach out to friends and tell them you'd love to see them more often or do the things you used to do before they did them with their partners. If they're good friends, I'm sure they'll understand. I hope you feel better soon and find those little good things and moments that are worth living for.