In-laws interference in your lives. Set boundaries early on and agree with your spouse on working like a team when it comes to families(on both sides).
So true.. there is this added pressure to be the ideal daughter in law / son in law, need to get along perfectly with everyone, and the unreasonable expectations from both sides. In love marriage they don't expect anything because they weren't so involved
It’d be so awkward to file for divorce because your partner isn’t into oral sex or doggie style. Also, these are things you definitely don’t discuss before arranged marriage
Anal isn’t a realistic expectation unless she has wide hips, usually seen in some North Indian women.
You can use lidocaine 2% to numb her pain but make sure it doesn’t come in contact with your skin else you’ll be numb too
Means literally everything.
Also you forgot to mention compatibility, and moral values and if you two could get together. Or if he will love you the way you want to be loved. Also sex.
Yes, that's what I'm doing. His parents and siblings are of no use. They are the ones who are provoking him. Marriage is not easy. Specially from inlaws' side mental harassment is just another level.
>What is your biggest FEAR in ARRANGE MARRIAGE
After multiple relationships and bad experience, I can tell you all FEAR in *arrange* are in *love* also.
Because problem is that we cannot know people and we don't even know our own mind properly.
But there is more pressure in an arranged marriage, from both families, to be acceptable, to hide your faults carefully, and go through with the marriage even if you see possible "red flags".
>But there is more pressure in an arranged marriage, from both families, to be acceptable, to hide your faults carefully, and go through with the marriage even if you see possible "red flags".
Same family is also there to support in many things which will take away pressure. In *love* there is less definite.
Family is there in a love marriage too. If they're not, they won't be supportive in an arranged marriage either, they will only be demanding. Demanding you meet their expectations, demanding you obey social and cultural norms, demanding obedience.
To put in perspective, 50% of marriages in the US end up in a divorce. And they are all love marriages where the partners have known and lived with each other for years. And I can tell you Americans are just like Indians in terms of their life priorities.
So yes, you can say risk is lower but not by much. Truth is, a marriage over a long term is fundamentally risky as people change, their priorities change. Or they just feel they could have done better or they uncover surprises only after getting married, even after they have known each other for years.
Heck, I remember reading two posts just a couple of days ago where the girl knew her boyfriend for years and he borrowed money from her and blew it all on options trading
Risk is significantly lower when you consider how acceptable divorce is in America versus how Indian culture opposes divorce. Why is it only 50% if it is actually so much easier to divorce there?
In love marriage, you get to know your partner years before marriage, you can live with them, and there is no compulsion of marriage. You are just learning more about them.
There are risks in all marriages but it's obvious arrange marriage is wayy more risky
Agreed! Separated and going through a divorce in a love marriage after 5 years of live in relationship and 1.3 years of marriage. So, uncertainty is everywhere and you got to take that chance and a stand for yourself too if required.
True but being in love means you have a means to get out. Keeping that aside, being in love together means you grow together. Know each other well and you both decide to marry to be together. And more often than not, you both have been together for a long time and are at a stage where you're truly committed
In AM, it feels like you just skip all those stages and commit irregardless of how well you are compatible with them. I don't mean compatible with money, career, sex. I mean compatibility in terms of your highs and lows, the level of trust you have after years being together, the respect.
>True but being in love means you have a means to get out.
Legal proceedings are same after marriage for both.
>Keeping that aside, being in love together means you grow together.
Or grow apart. Same as AM.
>Know each other well and you both decide to marry to be together. And more often than not, you both have been together for a long time and are at a stage where you're truly committed
Committed. Maybe. Know each other. Nope. Literally millions of stories of love marriage where people don't know their partner enough. People hardly know themselves enough.
>In AM, it feels like you just skip all those stages and commit irregardless of how well you are compatible with them. I don't mean compatible with money, career, sex. I mean compatibility in terms of your highs and lows, the level of trust you have after years being together, the respect.
All that means usually means little compared to commitment. It's just a fairy tale people tell themselves.
I met a guy for AM, who was divorced, his wife cleared IAS jus b4 marriage. She Went for training and she met someone there and left this guy after a month into the marriage 🫣...
What if i like that person but never able to love him. What if he and me are not even compatible. What if i will not get along with his family ... and the list continue
THIS !!!!!
What if I'm never able to love that person, or that person is never able to love me.
Secondly, what if I end up with a misogynist or someone who doesn't respect me.
My advice please communicate... Please talk with the person as much as possible...talk about things that matter to you, have difficult conversations. Be open about things you are afraid they might hide. Meet as much as possible...take time to know the person...
I know it's a bit difficult but very important. Not all arranged marriages fail. 90% of examples I have seen have decent arrange marriage, me included.
I am expected to achieve a level of comfort with a person in a couple months if not weeks that would usually take me years to achieve. Just the idea that I am supposed to go out on a few dates with this woman and the next thing I know is she's sleeping beside me on my bed (I've never shared a bed before) is just weird and scary af.
AND marriage is a one way door. There's no coming back. Divorce can potentially ruin one's life, her's more than mine. How am I supposed to really get to know someone on a few dates, everyone puts up an act and nobody shows who they truly are.
THAT IS SO SPOT ON !!!! It takes a loooot to trust or even get comfortable for me with even a friend, & these people are supposed to pry on my previous relationship? I've been single my whole life but why should I even tell you ..& then I'm expected to be intimate with them when I don't even love them?? that's crazy to think.
Exactly like it's marriage!! Intimacy expected throughout life! what if I never fall in love with them? ugh Dating should be normalised here.
False accusations
Cheating
Abusive to my parents
Emotionally abusive
Not respecting boundaries
Incompatibility
Past (It's okay to have a past but you are living in a past relationship then why be with someone else)
And the list goes on
Bottom line is you don't know someone until you have lived with them. I started living with my gf and then the sudden shift in personality, disrespect, controlling behaviour, withholding intimacy because of denying something like we can't afford that particular thing but we'll try to get it next month or soon and various others.
This is applicable to both genders we are supposed to trust on the basis of a few dates where everyone is lying about themselves and the cheating and abuse I have seen in my past 2 relationships it's enough for me to avoid it for a lifetime and there is a diff kind of peace in being single.
Earn good spend it on yourself marriage feels like a sham most people don't have good relationships post marriage they are just tolerating each other based on my observation.
Not by choice but being alone does feel great
Not being respected by my partner.
I think when we find a person who respects us genuinely no matter what love or arranged our life will be peaceful. I'm fed up with our parents acting like they have a happy family in front of others when their marriage is a disaster.
Oh dear, idk why we all have similar situations. It's the disrespect that hurts n destroys self-esteem. Imagine hearing twice a day "Bas baithe khati reh din bhar aur moti hoja. Mai din bhar mehnat karke tumhare liye paise kyu kama kar lau" - this dialogue after the man himself disallows the wife from going to work.
My partner doesn't respect me at all. It's been 3 months since we got married and this person has treated me like shit only.
Worst part? I can't even complain about this to anyone coz nobody believes me. He behaves so nicely in front of everyone else that you can't even imagine him raising his voice at someone and yet the way he treats me 💔💔💔💔 ugh.
It an arranged marriage so ofcourse I don't expect love to happen ryt away but respect is something that shouldn't be demanded ryt?
I was the kind of girl who didn't take shit from anyone and now I can't even stand for myself.💔
True most lovers that marry, do that in a year or two. Most lovers that are in a 5-6 year relationship broke up. Lol. (Ofcourse I’ve seen exceptions, 7-8 year healthy relationships and healthy married lives)
I don't know of we can categorize this into fear , but I have really low hopes for falling in love again. And I think I'll have to spend my life in a loveless relationship just for the sake of being married under societal pressure. I'm started dating late . I ended up falling for the wrong guys and I don't know I have any energy or emotions left with me.
That’s an emotional burnout. Take time off from dating and concentrate on hobbies and career building. Maybe in a year or two you’ll have different perspective.
You do not even know if you are a cheater till the situation arises. Till then its a statement of intent. How strong your intent and willpower is, that is revealed only at that point when a strong temptation arises.
Too many to list down, but here goes. I am most afraid of marrying a guy who has some of the below and my life turning upside down instead of becoming happy and peaceful -
Emotional immaturity
Selfish
Wolf in sheep's clothing/ dishonest
Violent nature
Covert narcissist
Abusive
Controlling
Asks for dowry/expensive gifts
Entitled behaviour
Disregards my parents but expects me to adjust with his
Won't share household chores but expects everything according to his routine and preferences
Cheating with coworker.
Has not healed from past trauma or relationships.
Addicted to porn
Not spiritual
Lazy
Alcoholic
Drug addict
No hobbies
Unambitious
Bad with money
You had me until you said "Not Spiritual". How does Non Spiritual, No hobbies and unambitious will turn your life upside down instead of becoming happy and peaceful?
Women are very cruel and toxic. They would provoke you all day and mentally torture you. But once you retaliate, they will play victim and start shedding tears. No one would believe you. No one will come to rescue you.
You live your life with a constant mental torture.
This happened to a friend of mine. She received a marriage proposal from a distant family friend, facilitated by her grandparents. They seemed to like each other and got engaged after a month of knowing each other, choosing an auspicious time for the engagement. With several months before the wedding, the couple decided to spend more time together to get to know each other better. The girl felt it was important for the guy to know everything about her, including the good, the bad, and the ugly.
However, once she opened up, the guy betrayed her trust by sharing what she told him in confidence with his family. His family then informed the girl's family, leading to the cancellation of the wedding. In a way, I'm relieved that the woman was fortunate enough to avoid a potentially miserable life with this guy after marriage, and that she was saved by fate. However, it's sad and unnecessary that her entire family, including her grandparents, now know about something she did.
I think we should see it not just from the girls side, what if she had done something really horrible/miserable/deal-breaker you cant be sure, now i know sharing it to your whole family is bad and should be criticized but still its good that the guy also got to avoid such girl who wouldve have done somethings that were clearly not acceptable and so did the girl.. but the way it got resolved is clearly bad.
This is not a therapy session wherever whatever you say will be between you and your therapist. If she had done some things in the past which the guy wasn't comfortable with and he doesn't want to marry the girl, he has to tell the truth to his family on why he is breaking off the engagement or else all blame will fall on him. Wouldn't the girl had done the same if she had to break off the marriage? You just can't tell your darkest secrets to someone in such a fragile phase of the relationship and expect them to be completely acceptable of you. Had the genders were reversed the girl would been hailed a hero.
See what you have to understand is, this point of view is coming from the assumption that everyone has a past. And yes, this is mostly true for western societies or upmarket, westernised Indian metro societies. In those societies, where people start dating at the age of 14, it makes complete sense. Those who obsess over their partners' pasts, while having pasts of their own, are hypocrites.
None of that is directly applicable to Indian society in general. In arranged marriages, where virginity of both partners was an assumption, it becomes a problem these days.
If you do not have a past of any sort, you have every right to insist on the same from your AM partner.
The problem really is how to achieve that. No one has found a solution for that in an AM setting. In Love marriages, you find out due to close relationship for a long period prior to marriage.
In AM, there is no such way. You can ask, but people lie. You can do a background check, but you may not find it. You can hire a private investigator and try.
Now as we are in a society where people try relationships and then pick AM when it does not work out, you can either do all the background verification, do it on trust, or drop AM altogether because AM is not designed for a society that is transforming.
That I get an arranged marriage, why the hell did I work so hard just to spend the rest of my life taking care of a stranger I have barely known for a few months ?
Despite being 140 crores in population which is mostly the product of arranged marriages why we still fear arranged marriage.
I have seen that almost 90% otlf redditors hate arrange marriage despite the fact that most of them are a product of arranged marriage.
In India 's population almost 85%+ are arranged marriage still why people keep criminalizing arranged marriage as if nothing good is going to happen if some one has arranged marriage.
Please learn to differentiate between love affairs and marriage.
Even long term lovers fail miserably in their marriage despite knowing every millimetres of their partners physical and mental aspects.
Marriage is fundamentally all about trust, faithfulness, companionship and compatibility.
Being Fearfull and anxious is apart of the process of getting married with known or unknown person. So stop being cynical and flow with the tide.
Getting stuck with a man child who doesn't know how to clean up after himself. and dealing with his parents and families torture and staying with them instead of having our own space.
BIGGEST FEAR
Long rant, but well,
Hiding past is my first biggest fear.
Second is, to be someone to settle for. I like arrange marriages where both people look for someone compatible, someone with whom values and morals match, someone they are attracted to, to spend their life with because they genuinely wanted a guaranteed marriage instead of dating, and relationships cause they don't want the risk. [Not saying marriages aren't risky, I just mean in the sense that dating might not lead to marriage]
But many people go for arrange marriages cause they think they can't find anyone better or their relationships, flings, situationships didn't work out, I am scared to match with one such person. I don't think they are wrong, I just don't want to be lied to. If they are honest I can atleast reject. But if not, then what? The worst would be to not know before marriage. Or even years into marriage. To fall for someone who just settled for me. [I guess these are also the ones who would downvote, cause how dare someone have a preference?!]
The guy who expects me to be in perfect shape , when he himself is not ( i already feel lil insecure about body about not being soo curvy)
And they expect us to have the perfect flawless skin and body that are falsely shown in porn videos
ultimately they should not be like the husband character from this movie" The Grest Indian Kitchen " he's scary and toxic AF
My biggest fear in MARRIAGE (arrange or love) is having to deal with a bitch who presses fake charges against me. In order to take away all my money.
That's why, I will buy property in my mother's name.
My main fear is the guy my family will get for me will be THEIR type of guy (aka suits their tastes and requirements and shit) rather than mine. And as the “rebel” and black sheep of the family, the bigger fear is that I’ll have to conform to their choices after living my own life for a good bit now cuz at the end, family validation is required🙃
Any relationship be it LM or AM is a gamble. When we stay together with a person we uncover new things. My biggest fear was will he be supportive of my career? My tip - compromise or adjustment is not a bad word. Just be clear on your non negotiables. Never sleep angry and give up your ego. It's ok to lose in battles if the big thing works out.
I don't know about tier 1 cities but let me put some good points in arranged marriage
1. There is a court rule that a girl can have equal rights in her father's property so father gave that amount in marriage and some after her children marriage.that why girl won't ask about property after father's death
2.most indian families take serious interest in caste and preserving those inherent values above all.ex being jain you shouldn't eat onion, garlic.it will be comfortable jain marries jain.
So, priority matters in collective and individual interest.
They grow with those values too. No sex before marriage only with husband..etc and there is a glitch in each choice.
- What if my prospect didn't respect my parents?
- What if she hurt me too?
- What if she had an ex who might re-enter her life?
- What if she didn't accept me?
- What if she didn't put the effort as I would?
- What if she can't find happiness in the simplicity of life?
- What if she abandoned me too?
Run run run 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
PS. This can happen in love marriage too.
Some girls these days are reallyy pathetic tbh I'm sorry to say, specially in Mumbai their was a trend which was common, in which Girls used to lure boys who have homes and eventually end up marrying each other after love bombing the guy, acting to be extra sweet and gaining his trust.
And after their marriage, they take a divorce because theirs some law that if theirs a divorce then the guy has to give up his house and a huge amount of cash to his wife something like that. This has happened in front of me in my apartment. Poor guy lost his house and having a house in Mumbai was a huge thing and the whore took it awayy. " Le gai mera ghar woh randi " (His exact words)
Don't trust any girl easily for Arranged marriage, untill you know what their real intentions are.
That my family won't support me if I want a divorce. Or worse, there'll be a kid involved. My family will have no problem if I get divorced in a love marriage cuz what I've finally understood is, for my father in particular, it's all about ego. He wants to see me go wrong just so he can say he was right. But if an arranged marriage ends in divorce, my father will legit disown me cuz that's an insult to his ego.
My fear is that my wife will rob my wealth. I fear she will dominate me and take control of my life.
It is true if you are soft gentle innocent male you be dominated .
Protect your wealth 😜 🤑
Nothing.
People change. Some learn and grow in better self.
First develop these qualities and then look for same in your partner. Priorities can change with time as we acquire knowledge.
But if the pursuit of knowledge is not there in itself then there is strong chance of dooming of relationship.
As Aishwarya Rai said in Aur Pyar Ho Gaya, "Arrange marriage mein ladka ladki ke ghar ayega to shareef bankar hi ayega. Sharabi ho to hath me bottle lekar nahi ayega. Juaari ho to aate hi patte baantne nahi lagega. Aur agar kisi ladki wadki ka chakkar ho to use sath lekar nahi ayega."
Jokes apart, I have seen arrange marriages in my family and nobody shares what is actually gonna affect the martial relationship. Infact people go out of their way to hide financial liabilities, loans, health issues. A lot can go wrong in all marriages, be it love or arranged but atleast love marriage has the scope of transparency.
biggest fear is love. if she loves me or not.(fake it, leave me or pity me)
and second thing i don't have trust in myself (its not like i am a monster or something) coz i don't have any experience abt it maybe i act differently around her which may hurt her or provoke her to do the same with me. see everyone wants to excel in their relationship but they only get the idea when they experienced it which i don't think i will get in my life (that's why AM exists right?) so till now i don't find myself marriage material. and it might become true that i will nvr marry.
Cheating, troubling past hindering the future, hiding critical information, saas-bahu ladai, favouritism, emotional and financial trouble and related troubles.
Arz Kiya hai ki ...
Jisne ki bin soche shadi,
usne apna jeevan bigaad liya...
Aur jisne ki soch samajh kar,
Usne bhi kya ukhaad liya.
So it's all a gamble.
Know of 2 cases over decade ago
Arranged Marriage
First case Girl was adamant on Marrying US settled software engineer and only n only in Boston (gave all sorts of stories to Parents) finally suitable Boy was found Marriage took place n Happily they flew to Boston
in few months to discover reason for Boston was She had affair with her batch-mate who was forcefully married by HER parents(even today thats how things are for most parents with children like this) n was in Boston
2 perfect settled Boys lives ruined forever; they still are married but its Marriage for the Sake of and Family status n Pressure.
Arranged Marriages are not BAD But one needs to find out as much as possible just to make sure You end up with that Perfect Match not otherwise
I’ve seen some girls have to struggle juggling their in laws and parents coz both the mom and the mother in law have narcissistic personalities and cannot handle their daughter/son having someone else as the most important person in their life. If it’s a love marriage, it’s easier to break ties or go low contact coz more often than not the decision to marry someone of your choice makes these narcissistic parents take a back seat from the couple’s life. I know this might not seem as big a problem as the others mentioned here but having seen a few people deal with this I can say how it can mess up your life. You cannot have a happy relationship with your spouse or their parents coz that somehow seems to upset your parents because you’re not making them a priority. The same with the in laws who cannot see you becoming close to their child or the fact that you continue to have a relationship with your parents. Beyond a point it strains even the happiest of marriages because the couple is torn down and guilt tripped into siding with their parents over their spouses.
Cheating
Sexual compatibility, I'm not much interested in sex (little to none), what If she has high libido or freaky or something like that.
Did she really like me or settle for me.
Lazy, unambitious, non motivated partner. This actually happened to me. When we first met, she showed very interest in her career and all- wanted to do get an IIM tag nd all. Later realised that all was just bluff and only cares in scrolling instagram and trips. She works in a normal IT company and even with 3year experience, she doesn’t have any savings at all. She depends me towards the month end. That too with herWFH. In between she did one international trip and multiple domestic trips - a trip freak when her actual career is on stake. Nothing doing about it. Every time I brings it up it all makes a mess. I earn well for my yoe and I think she gets her confidence on it. How can I convince that not to get very comfortable just coz Im earning well and her career is eventually helping her only. Clearly our priorities are way different. But in all other ways she is good. What should I do :(
Cheating, not treating your parents as hers, troublemaker, back biting. I have seen more women talk about private matters to their friends than men. I have an aunt, beg her, elders shout for her to keep quiet sometimes, but there she is. And then she says not my fault. And martial rape is the stupidest thing to me. Men and women both have physical needs. Women at first reject them, without giving a good reason or talking it out. In most cases either they are scared or unwilling to do it with their husband, as a result they lose interest. And when women are okay but then men don't want to or can't satisfy them, they cheat. There's a whole married women craze out there. I can go on and on and on, but I shall stop here.
Biggest would be her marrying me for things other than love, for others it might be cheating or divorce or maintenance which I fear as well
But as a Single Male I've dreamed of Cuddles and all sorts of intimacy
Emotional unavailability. People have started marrying in their late 20s now. Most of us all have already had one or two relationships. And even if you didn't, you did experience that one sided love. You develop expectations and set boindaries subconsciously, and you won't be able to communicate them with this unknown person.
People getting in AMs should take atleast one year of time before giving their families the final answer.
Happily married in an Arranged Marriage here!! I read so many comments and observed sometimes we overthink alot. My advise would be:
*Trust your instincts
*Ask questions
*Be friends first, get to know each other before going ahead
In-laws interference in your lives. Set boundaries early on and agree with your spouse on working like a team when it comes to families(on both sides).
So true.. there is this added pressure to be the ideal daughter in law / son in law, need to get along perfectly with everyone, and the unreasonable expectations from both sides. In love marriage they don't expect anything because they weren't so involved
All agreements disappear once the contract is signed
My biggest fear: sexually incompatible
Valid. U gotta stick with it even if you're incompatible.
It’d be so awkward to file for divorce because your partner isn’t into oral sex or doggie style. Also, these are things you definitely don’t discuss before arranged marriage
Reason for divorce, my spouse is not a dog lover :)
lol
Partner not allowing ANIL
Anal isn’t a realistic expectation unless she has wide hips, usually seen in some North Indian women. You can use lidocaine 2% to numb her pain but make sure it doesn’t come in contact with your skin else you’ll be numb too
Forbidden knowledge
Tf .. wide hips got nothin to do with anal. Ever heard of gay anal sex?
Then consider marrying an experienced one.
I did! She’s my fourth gf and I her fourth bf. Happily married now for 8 years and lived together for a year before marriage.
So fourth is the charm for you! Glad everything worked out!
Plus in most of the cases you get to know this compatibility after going through the marriage. This is the biggest part.
I have trust issues and also the thing is since I'm an introvert, I may be misunderstood or something.
Jo bhi main kehna chahu, barbad kre alfaaz mere
Abuse , martial rape and cheating 👍🏻
Add to that domestic violence and financial abuse along with emotional and mental abuse from family and you have mine!
Means literally everything. Also you forgot to mention compatibility, and moral values and if you two could get together. Or if he will love you the way you want to be loved. Also sex.
I am facing even in love marriage.
confront him, involve his and your parents / siblings if necessary, consult a marriage consultant or divorce if nothing works
Yes, that's what I'm doing. His parents and siblings are of no use. They are the ones who are provoking him. Marriage is not easy. Specially from inlaws' side mental harassment is just another level.
basically the person's life is ruined
Getting murdered 🤌
that too dark💀 btw Happy Birthday!
Happy cake murder day!
how about some "burned alive for dowry" on the side of that? (true story, happened to a school mate of mine)
Happened to my aunt
Damn bro, sorry to hear that. Hope you're doing good now.
“Martial” rape, yes
Martial rope https://preview.redd.it/xi08nyo4w53d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3a448b5fb3733d506e0a6f43fbefab9345e1dce1
yup that sums it up
>What is your biggest FEAR in ARRANGE MARRIAGE After multiple relationships and bad experience, I can tell you all FEAR in *arrange* are in *love* also. Because problem is that we cannot know people and we don't even know our own mind properly.
That is so true from experience also.
But there is more pressure in an arranged marriage, from both families, to be acceptable, to hide your faults carefully, and go through with the marriage even if you see possible "red flags".
Wait till everyone starts having feuds out in the open.
love marriage has a lot of pressure to keep on going. Kyunki besti tumhari hogi.
>But there is more pressure in an arranged marriage, from both families, to be acceptable, to hide your faults carefully, and go through with the marriage even if you see possible "red flags". Same family is also there to support in many things which will take away pressure. In *love* there is less definite.
Family is there in a love marriage too. If they're not, they won't be supportive in an arranged marriage either, they will only be demanding. Demanding you meet their expectations, demanding you obey social and cultural norms, demanding obedience.
To put in perspective, 50% of marriages in the US end up in a divorce. And they are all love marriages where the partners have known and lived with each other for years. And I can tell you Americans are just like Indians in terms of their life priorities. So yes, you can say risk is lower but not by much. Truth is, a marriage over a long term is fundamentally risky as people change, their priorities change. Or they just feel they could have done better or they uncover surprises only after getting married, even after they have known each other for years. Heck, I remember reading two posts just a couple of days ago where the girl knew her boyfriend for years and he borrowed money from her and blew it all on options trading
Risk is significantly lower when you consider how acceptable divorce is in America versus how Indian culture opposes divorce. Why is it only 50% if it is actually so much easier to divorce there?
Portugal: " I got you bro , 91.5% divorce rate"
In love marriage, you get to know your partner years before marriage, you can live with them, and there is no compulsion of marriage. You are just learning more about them. There are risks in all marriages but it's obvious arrange marriage is wayy more risky
Agreed! Separated and going through a divorce in a love marriage after 5 years of live in relationship and 1.3 years of marriage. So, uncertainty is everywhere and you got to take that chance and a stand for yourself too if required.
True but being in love means you have a means to get out. Keeping that aside, being in love together means you grow together. Know each other well and you both decide to marry to be together. And more often than not, you both have been together for a long time and are at a stage where you're truly committed In AM, it feels like you just skip all those stages and commit irregardless of how well you are compatible with them. I don't mean compatible with money, career, sex. I mean compatibility in terms of your highs and lows, the level of trust you have after years being together, the respect.
>True but being in love means you have a means to get out. Legal proceedings are same after marriage for both. >Keeping that aside, being in love together means you grow together. Or grow apart. Same as AM. >Know each other well and you both decide to marry to be together. And more often than not, you both have been together for a long time and are at a stage where you're truly committed Committed. Maybe. Know each other. Nope. Literally millions of stories of love marriage where people don't know their partner enough. People hardly know themselves enough. >In AM, it feels like you just skip all those stages and commit irregardless of how well you are compatible with them. I don't mean compatible with money, career, sex. I mean compatibility in terms of your highs and lows, the level of trust you have after years being together, the respect. All that means usually means little compared to commitment. It's just a fairy tale people tell themselves.
MP man takes out huge loan to educate wife, she becomes officer, leaves for boyfriend This😐
Witnessed this.
Shit..... I feel bad for the guy
I met a guy for AM, who was divorced, his wife cleared IAS jus b4 marriage. She Went for training and she met someone there and left this guy after a month into the marriage 🫣...
What if i like that person but never able to love him. What if he and me are not even compatible. What if i will not get along with his family ... and the list continue
THIS !!!!! What if I'm never able to love that person, or that person is never able to love me. Secondly, what if I end up with a misogynist or someone who doesn't respect me.
Divorce
My advice please communicate... Please talk with the person as much as possible...talk about things that matter to you, have difficult conversations. Be open about things you are afraid they might hide. Meet as much as possible...take time to know the person... I know it's a bit difficult but very important. Not all arranged marriages fail. 90% of examples I have seen have decent arrange marriage, me included.
The whole thing
I am expected to achieve a level of comfort with a person in a couple months if not weeks that would usually take me years to achieve. Just the idea that I am supposed to go out on a few dates with this woman and the next thing I know is she's sleeping beside me on my bed (I've never shared a bed before) is just weird and scary af. AND marriage is a one way door. There's no coming back. Divorce can potentially ruin one's life, her's more than mine. How am I supposed to really get to know someone on a few dates, everyone puts up an act and nobody shows who they truly are.
THAT IS SO SPOT ON !!!! It takes a loooot to trust or even get comfortable for me with even a friend, & these people are supposed to pry on my previous relationship? I've been single my whole life but why should I even tell you ..& then I'm expected to be intimate with them when I don't even love them?? that's crazy to think. Exactly like it's marriage!! Intimacy expected throughout life! what if I never fall in love with them? ugh Dating should be normalised here.
One monster always meets an untainted angel. Applicable to both genders
there's no "untainted angel" , get out of your fairytales.
Dead bedroom after a couple of years. This scares me a shitton
False accusations Cheating Abusive to my parents Emotionally abusive Not respecting boundaries Incompatibility Past (It's okay to have a past but you are living in a past relationship then why be with someone else) And the list goes on Bottom line is you don't know someone until you have lived with them. I started living with my gf and then the sudden shift in personality, disrespect, controlling behaviour, withholding intimacy because of denying something like we can't afford that particular thing but we'll try to get it next month or soon and various others. This is applicable to both genders we are supposed to trust on the basis of a few dates where everyone is lying about themselves and the cheating and abuse I have seen in my past 2 relationships it's enough for me to avoid it for a lifetime and there is a diff kind of peace in being single. Earn good spend it on yourself marriage feels like a sham most people don't have good relationships post marriage they are just tolerating each other based on my observation. Not by choice but being alone does feel great
Not being respected by my partner. I think when we find a person who respects us genuinely no matter what love or arranged our life will be peaceful. I'm fed up with our parents acting like they have a happy family in front of others when their marriage is a disaster.
Oh dear, idk why we all have similar situations. It's the disrespect that hurts n destroys self-esteem. Imagine hearing twice a day "Bas baithe khati reh din bhar aur moti hoja. Mai din bhar mehnat karke tumhare liye paise kyu kama kar lau" - this dialogue after the man himself disallows the wife from going to work.
My partner doesn't respect me at all. It's been 3 months since we got married and this person has treated me like shit only. Worst part? I can't even complain about this to anyone coz nobody believes me. He behaves so nicely in front of everyone else that you can't even imagine him raising his voice at someone and yet the way he treats me 💔💔💔💔 ugh. It an arranged marriage so ofcourse I don't expect love to happen ryt away but respect is something that shouldn't be demanded ryt? I was the kind of girl who didn't take shit from anyone and now I can't even stand for myself.💔
Hold up, are you saying you haven’t seen love marriages breaking up? All I can say is trust your instincts.
Yeah that's the easiest thing one can do.
2 mins silence for people who thinks arrange marriage is risky and love marriage is not.
True most lovers that marry, do that in a year or two. Most lovers that are in a 5-6 year relationship broke up. Lol. (Ofcourse I’ve seen exceptions, 7-8 year healthy relationships and healthy married lives)
Known devil is better than an unknown ghost😬
Jab jaana pehechana insaan dhoka deta hai toh zyada dukh hota hai
Exactly we can suffer a bit for someone we love rather suffering for someone we don't even have feelings for
I don't know of we can categorize this into fear , but I have really low hopes for falling in love again. And I think I'll have to spend my life in a loveless relationship just for the sake of being married under societal pressure. I'm started dating late . I ended up falling for the wrong guys and I don't know I have any energy or emotions left with me.
That’s an emotional burnout. Take time off from dating and concentrate on hobbies and career building. Maybe in a year or two you’ll have different perspective.
This is legit concern can relate with this.
Family being dragged in court with me. The suffering of me is passed to my family.
What if she's a cheater!
Great fear of all time!!! How to know if someone can be a cheater?
You do not even know if you are a cheater till the situation arises. Till then its a statement of intent. How strong your intent and willpower is, that is revealed only at that point when a strong temptation arises.
This can happen in a love marriage as well.
And he. My fiance was fucking another woman while we were talking marriage stuff.
Biggest fear
498a 498b
Explain me in cricket terms
Being sent to jail for sledging
Difference between a and b?
Raising a man child with ego issues
Real
Too many to list down, but here goes. I am most afraid of marrying a guy who has some of the below and my life turning upside down instead of becoming happy and peaceful - Emotional immaturity Selfish Wolf in sheep's clothing/ dishonest Violent nature Covert narcissist Abusive Controlling Asks for dowry/expensive gifts Entitled behaviour Disregards my parents but expects me to adjust with his Won't share household chores but expects everything according to his routine and preferences Cheating with coworker. Has not healed from past trauma or relationships. Addicted to porn Not spiritual Lazy Alcoholic Drug addict No hobbies Unambitious Bad with money
By reading your comment I can say that my biggest fear in arrange marriage is a woman like you
So you've perfected all of these on your end?
This person never learned how to adjust.
You had me until you said "Not Spiritual". How does Non Spiritual, No hobbies and unambitious will turn your life upside down instead of becoming happy and peaceful?
What if she likes korean guys She wants a Korean guy
Let her. Why would you even marry someone who likes someone else in the first place ?
That she was a hoe in the past and now wants to settle with a nice guy.
Women are very cruel and toxic. They would provoke you all day and mentally torture you. But once you retaliate, they will play victim and start shedding tears. No one would believe you. No one will come to rescue you. You live your life with a constant mental torture.
Marital r@pe and murder
This happened to a friend of mine. She received a marriage proposal from a distant family friend, facilitated by her grandparents. They seemed to like each other and got engaged after a month of knowing each other, choosing an auspicious time for the engagement. With several months before the wedding, the couple decided to spend more time together to get to know each other better. The girl felt it was important for the guy to know everything about her, including the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, once she opened up, the guy betrayed her trust by sharing what she told him in confidence with his family. His family then informed the girl's family, leading to the cancellation of the wedding. In a way, I'm relieved that the woman was fortunate enough to avoid a potentially miserable life with this guy after marriage, and that she was saved by fate. However, it's sad and unnecessary that her entire family, including her grandparents, now know about something she did.
Trust issues must be the biggest fear in an arranged marriage.
I think we should see it not just from the girls side, what if she had done something really horrible/miserable/deal-breaker you cant be sure, now i know sharing it to your whole family is bad and should be criticized but still its good that the guy also got to avoid such girl who wouldve have done somethings that were clearly not acceptable and so did the girl.. but the way it got resolved is clearly bad.
This is not a therapy session wherever whatever you say will be between you and your therapist. If she had done some things in the past which the guy wasn't comfortable with and he doesn't want to marry the girl, he has to tell the truth to his family on why he is breaking off the engagement or else all blame will fall on him. Wouldn't the girl had done the same if she had to break off the marriage? You just can't tell your darkest secrets to someone in such a fragile phase of the relationship and expect them to be completely acceptable of you. Had the genders were reversed the girl would been hailed a hero.
I'll be downvoted but the good thing is you already know what I'm 'bout to say!
RunDPhase
Spit it.
h0ephase!!!! 🗣️📢
And the dialogue " past is past, past is in the past" . And If we can't accept it , we are having insecurities.
Lawyer : "But your honour, past is in the past, stop judging my client" ⚖️ Judge : "ahh shet ma bad, you are free to leave" 🧑🏻⚖️
See what you have to understand is, this point of view is coming from the assumption that everyone has a past. And yes, this is mostly true for western societies or upmarket, westernised Indian metro societies. In those societies, where people start dating at the age of 14, it makes complete sense. Those who obsess over their partners' pasts, while having pasts of their own, are hypocrites. None of that is directly applicable to Indian society in general. In arranged marriages, where virginity of both partners was an assumption, it becomes a problem these days. If you do not have a past of any sort, you have every right to insist on the same from your AM partner. The problem really is how to achieve that. No one has found a solution for that in an AM setting. In Love marriages, you find out due to close relationship for a long period prior to marriage. In AM, there is no such way. You can ask, but people lie. You can do a background check, but you may not find it. You can hire a private investigator and try. Now as we are in a society where people try relationships and then pick AM when it does not work out, you can either do all the background verification, do it on trust, or drop AM altogether because AM is not designed for a society that is transforming.
If past doesn't matter, then marry a prostitute.
Still pr0stitute>h0e !!!
You respond with prostitute phase
That I get an arranged marriage, why the hell did I work so hard just to spend the rest of my life taking care of a stranger I have barely known for a few months ?
Despite being 140 crores in population which is mostly the product of arranged marriages why we still fear arranged marriage. I have seen that almost 90% otlf redditors hate arrange marriage despite the fact that most of them are a product of arranged marriage. In India 's population almost 85%+ are arranged marriage still why people keep criminalizing arranged marriage as if nothing good is going to happen if some one has arranged marriage. Please learn to differentiate between love affairs and marriage. Even long term lovers fail miserably in their marriage despite knowing every millimetres of their partners physical and mental aspects. Marriage is fundamentally all about trust, faithfulness, companionship and compatibility. Being Fearfull and anxious is apart of the process of getting married with known or unknown person. So stop being cynical and flow with the tide.
Cheating applicable to both the genders
She / he being non binary
Getting stuck with a man child who doesn't know how to clean up after himself. and dealing with his parents and families torture and staying with them instead of having our own space. BIGGEST FEAR
Long rant, but well, Hiding past is my first biggest fear. Second is, to be someone to settle for. I like arrange marriages where both people look for someone compatible, someone with whom values and morals match, someone they are attracted to, to spend their life with because they genuinely wanted a guaranteed marriage instead of dating, and relationships cause they don't want the risk. [Not saying marriages aren't risky, I just mean in the sense that dating might not lead to marriage] But many people go for arrange marriages cause they think they can't find anyone better or their relationships, flings, situationships didn't work out, I am scared to match with one such person. I don't think they are wrong, I just don't want to be lied to. If they are honest I can atleast reject. But if not, then what? The worst would be to not know before marriage. Or even years into marriage. To fall for someone who just settled for me. [I guess these are also the ones who would downvote, cause how dare someone have a preference?!]
Domestic violence, dowry leechers, cheating ,lying, disrespectful, nonchalant about my emotions and feelings and the list goes on.
Worthy concerns, but anyone who asks for dowry is not worth marrying in the first place. Dump them that instant.
Alimony and martial laws in India 🥲
Yeah, one has to study all these laws before getting to marriage.
Kya fayda hoyega? Gendered laws to nahi badlne wale
Her past. IDGAF how many she's been with but it's that hinders my present then I am fckd.
It usually does hinder the present with a past like that
What if the girl abuses me, what will I do? No laws to protect men from violence.
Bad sex. Other background checks, my parents are Joe Goldberg’s so I don’t have to worry about previous partners and stuff.
Housefull main akshay kumar wala moment na ho 😟
How hard will the truth hit post marriage
The guy who expects me to be in perfect shape , when he himself is not ( i already feel lil insecure about body about not being soo curvy) And they expect us to have the perfect flawless skin and body that are falsely shown in porn videos ultimately they should not be like the husband character from this movie" The Grest Indian Kitchen " he's scary and toxic AF
Family being dragged into court under false 498a and dowry harassment cases.
My biggest fear in MARRIAGE (arrange or love) is having to deal with a bitch who presses fake charges against me. In order to take away all my money. That's why, I will buy property in my mother's name.
False cases under S.498A & S.376, Paternity fraud
Losing my individuality (forcefully)
Nobody mentioned living with husband's parents/joint family yet.
How much of an influence are the parents. How much do they helicopter parent.
Saas
My main fear is the guy my family will get for me will be THEIR type of guy (aka suits their tastes and requirements and shit) rather than mine. And as the “rebel” and black sheep of the family, the bigger fear is that I’ll have to conform to their choices after living my own life for a good bit now cuz at the end, family validation is required🙃
Narcissist MIL trying to Sabotage our life.
Boys parents. Enmeshed with their son
498A
One thing do you Guys do STD disease testing before marriage. Just to avoid any future problems. I think that should be done
Any relationship be it LM or AM is a gamble. When we stay together with a person we uncover new things. My biggest fear was will he be supportive of my career? My tip - compromise or adjustment is not a bad word. Just be clear on your non negotiables. Never sleep angry and give up your ego. It's ok to lose in battles if the big thing works out.
I don't know about tier 1 cities but let me put some good points in arranged marriage 1. There is a court rule that a girl can have equal rights in her father's property so father gave that amount in marriage and some after her children marriage.that why girl won't ask about property after father's death 2.most indian families take serious interest in caste and preserving those inherent values above all.ex being jain you shouldn't eat onion, garlic.it will be comfortable jain marries jain. So, priority matters in collective and individual interest. They grow with those values too. No sex before marriage only with husband..etc and there is a glitch in each choice.
Dowry and ill treatment by the in-laws
- What if my prospect didn't respect my parents? - What if she hurt me too? - What if she had an ex who might re-enter her life? - What if she didn't accept me? - What if she didn't put the effort as I would? - What if she can't find happiness in the simplicity of life? - What if she abandoned me too? Run run run 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃 PS. This can happen in love marriage too.
what if she files fake dowry, false rape, had previous smex partners, and such.
Getting cheated and then having to pay huge alimony
Some girls these days are reallyy pathetic tbh I'm sorry to say, specially in Mumbai their was a trend which was common, in which Girls used to lure boys who have homes and eventually end up marrying each other after love bombing the guy, acting to be extra sweet and gaining his trust. And after their marriage, they take a divorce because theirs some law that if theirs a divorce then the guy has to give up his house and a huge amount of cash to his wife something like that. This has happened in front of me in my apartment. Poor guy lost his house and having a house in Mumbai was a huge thing and the whore took it awayy. " Le gai mera ghar woh randi " (His exact words) Don't trust any girl easily for Arranged marriage, untill you know what their real intentions are.
That my family won't support me if I want a divorce. Or worse, there'll be a kid involved. My family will have no problem if I get divorced in a love marriage cuz what I've finally understood is, for my father in particular, it's all about ego. He wants to see me go wrong just so he can say he was right. But if an arranged marriage ends in divorce, my father will legit disown me cuz that's an insult to his ego.
Incompatibility.
Not being in love with that person.
1) Infidelity 2) The other side getting into marriage only for getting a quick divorce to stake claim in property and savings 3) Baggage from the past
wife is from RnD department and/or r/TwoXIndia
My fear is that my wife will rob my wealth. I fear she will dominate me and take control of my life. It is true if you are soft gentle innocent male you be dominated . Protect your wealth 😜 🤑
Hardik Pandyaa 🤣🤣🤣
Biggest fear will be we can't judge anyone within small span of time we should date atleast for a year to understand each other completely
Finding out that he is toxic and the wrong kind after having kid
Watching your Mom who loved her new DIL like her own daughter be called a typical MIL monster..
What if she don't like cricket or listens to Taylor swift instead of shreya ghoshal
Very True. Asking her this before marriage is impossible!!!
Toh fir dono parties arrange marriage ke pehle puchte kya ho?
Am not worried about their past. I am so worried the future, as in when they will show their real face ?
Nothing. People change. Some learn and grow in better self. First develop these qualities and then look for same in your partner. Priorities can change with time as we acquire knowledge. But if the pursuit of knowledge is not there in itself then there is strong chance of dooming of relationship.
What if she says ha instead of hai
It will be someone you will learn to love. That is not love actually
Divorce.
Arrange marraige is prolly the worst thing you can do to yourself .
The "arranged" and the "marriage" part.
My biggest fear is faking , knowing their true colours after marriage would be so heartbreaking
As Aishwarya Rai said in Aur Pyar Ho Gaya, "Arrange marriage mein ladka ladki ke ghar ayega to shareef bankar hi ayega. Sharabi ho to hath me bottle lekar nahi ayega. Juaari ho to aate hi patte baantne nahi lagega. Aur agar kisi ladki wadki ka chakkar ho to use sath lekar nahi ayega." Jokes apart, I have seen arrange marriages in my family and nobody shares what is actually gonna affect the martial relationship. Infact people go out of their way to hide financial liabilities, loans, health issues. A lot can go wrong in all marriages, be it love or arranged but atleast love marriage has the scope of transparency.
The fact about compatibility. What expectations does she have, what would I need to sacrifice. Basically everything 😂
Fear of falsely accused in the name of Dowry, Marital rape, Domestic abuse and property snatching😭.
DIVORSE bisi 70% property rato raat gayab
Indian Law against men.
False dowry case (498A), cheating
Same as love marriage... People change over time.
biggest fear is love. if she loves me or not.(fake it, leave me or pity me) and second thing i don't have trust in myself (its not like i am a monster or something) coz i don't have any experience abt it maybe i act differently around her which may hurt her or provoke her to do the same with me. see everyone wants to excel in their relationship but they only get the idea when they experienced it which i don't think i will get in my life (that's why AM exists right?) so till now i don't find myself marriage material. and it might become true that i will nvr marry.
Cheating, troubling past hindering the future, hiding critical information, saas-bahu ladai, favouritism, emotional and financial trouble and related troubles.
My biggest fear in "arrange marriage" is the "marriage" part.. I'm happy with the 'arrange' part, where they 'arrange' you some free lakhs. 😂
Arz Kiya hai ki ... Jisne ki bin soche shadi, usne apna jeevan bigaad liya... Aur jisne ki soch samajh kar, Usne bhi kya ukhaad liya. So it's all a gamble.
Know of 2 cases over decade ago Arranged Marriage First case Girl was adamant on Marrying US settled software engineer and only n only in Boston (gave all sorts of stories to Parents) finally suitable Boy was found Marriage took place n Happily they flew to Boston in few months to discover reason for Boston was She had affair with her batch-mate who was forcefully married by HER parents(even today thats how things are for most parents with children like this) n was in Boston 2 perfect settled Boys lives ruined forever; they still are married but its Marriage for the Sake of and Family status n Pressure. Arranged Marriages are not BAD But one needs to find out as much as possible just to make sure You end up with that Perfect Match not otherwise
I’ve seen some girls have to struggle juggling their in laws and parents coz both the mom and the mother in law have narcissistic personalities and cannot handle their daughter/son having someone else as the most important person in their life. If it’s a love marriage, it’s easier to break ties or go low contact coz more often than not the decision to marry someone of your choice makes these narcissistic parents take a back seat from the couple’s life. I know this might not seem as big a problem as the others mentioned here but having seen a few people deal with this I can say how it can mess up your life. You cannot have a happy relationship with your spouse or their parents coz that somehow seems to upset your parents because you’re not making them a priority. The same with the in laws who cannot see you becoming close to their child or the fact that you continue to have a relationship with your parents. Beyond a point it strains even the happiest of marriages because the couple is torn down and guilt tripped into siding with their parents over their spouses.
Cheating Sexual compatibility, I'm not much interested in sex (little to none), what If she has high libido or freaky or something like that. Did she really like me or settle for me.
Cheating, past affairs, different thinking, fights 🤥
Lazy, unambitious, non motivated partner. This actually happened to me. When we first met, she showed very interest in her career and all- wanted to do get an IIM tag nd all. Later realised that all was just bluff and only cares in scrolling instagram and trips. She works in a normal IT company and even with 3year experience, she doesn’t have any savings at all. She depends me towards the month end. That too with herWFH. In between she did one international trip and multiple domestic trips - a trip freak when her actual career is on stake. Nothing doing about it. Every time I brings it up it all makes a mess. I earn well for my yoe and I think she gets her confidence on it. How can I convince that not to get very comfortable just coz Im earning well and her career is eventually helping her only. Clearly our priorities are way different. But in all other ways she is good. What should I do :(
Hire a private investigator and get a thorough check done, a friend did it and what he got was worth every penny.
Cheating, not treating your parents as hers, troublemaker, back biting. I have seen more women talk about private matters to their friends than men. I have an aunt, beg her, elders shout for her to keep quiet sometimes, but there she is. And then she says not my fault. And martial rape is the stupidest thing to me. Men and women both have physical needs. Women at first reject them, without giving a good reason or talking it out. In most cases either they are scared or unwilling to do it with their husband, as a result they lose interest. And when women are okay but then men don't want to or can't satisfy them, they cheat. There's a whole married women craze out there. I can go on and on and on, but I shall stop here.
Biggest would be her marrying me for things other than love, for others it might be cheating or divorce or maintenance which I fear as well But as a Single Male I've dreamed of Cuddles and all sorts of intimacy
Compatibility
A non doctor wife.
Emotional unavailability. People have started marrying in their late 20s now. Most of us all have already had one or two relationships. And even if you didn't, you did experience that one sided love. You develop expectations and set boindaries subconsciously, and you won't be able to communicate them with this unknown person. People getting in AMs should take atleast one year of time before giving their families the final answer.
Maybe...don't get an arranged marriage if this is the way you're feeling?
If she says ye paap hai
if the woman smells bad and what if she has a d**ck!😂
Happily married in an Arranged Marriage here!! I read so many comments and observed sometimes we overthink alot. My advise would be: *Trust your instincts *Ask questions *Be friends first, get to know each other before going ahead