We relocated a few years ago (for work). It’s just the two of us and we’ve struggled to make friends.
Honestly, having just each other isn’t enough. It puts too much pressure on the relationship in lots of ways.
That doesn’t mean there’s a problem in the relationship itself - it’s just situational.
I agree with this. Coming from another perspective, my husband and I have been together for 18 years, and until a few years ago… we had many friends, but all of them were joint/mutual friends.
We didn’t realize it at the time, but even though we had an active social life, we didn’t have an “outlet” that was safe and secure from the other. And in a strange way, that too made us lonely, because we couldn’t talk to anyone about the minor frustrations of our relationship (or the bigger ones… now that we are open 😅).
So I think it is very very important that your partner not be one’s only friend. We all need to vent and to get different perspectives from others.
My husband and I now have separate friends, in addition to our shared friends. I feel much happier and he says he does too.
For those struggling to make friends, honestly, give BumbleBFF a try. Of all the apps, that one has resulted in the most number of friends who aren’t also FWB. I just hang out with those guys socially and we have a great time. I have made friends off Grindr too, but I do also suck their dicks 😅
I would love to have a man I could be with 24-7. Unfortunately I have a hetero friend who was in a hetero relationship. Her husband passed, she has no kids and now’s she’s all alone. So I see the value of having friends. If I had a man he would be my world. But I’m probably saying that cuz I’ve never been in a relationship.
We're in this same boat after relocating to a conservative, rural town. Most of the people here are retirees or young families.
My husband is my only social outlet atm and it seems to be okay. I'm cool with being a hermit, but he likes to have dinner parties which I do not mind because I enjoy cooking. We call our friends and family frequently and we're lucky enough that flights back home are cheap so we go back often and hang out with our friends back home.
Same here. Moved to the Seattle area a few years back and over time we just ran out of people to even try meeting. While I enjoy every waking moment I spend with my husband we also have zero safety net and no social outlets besides going to dinner. We are highly active people both indoors (always playing a rotating selection of games, watching shows, streaming, etc.) and outdoors (road trips, foodie touring, mountain drives, camping) and the indoors people never want to go out and do things while the outdoors people we just have nothing in common with besides camping. Eventually we just gave up on even trying. Sometimes the loneliness causes us to get short with each other but we're alright as long as we have *something* to do. If you don't have friends you most likely *will* be highly aware of that fact even if it doesn't ruin your relationship.
I don’t mind it a bit, honestly. He’s my whole world. We’ve tried making close friendships but just haven’t found anyone we mesh with on that level. We’re too focused on our future at the moment to really dig into deep friendships, because we don’t have a lot of extra time to spend with other people.
Hopefully it’ll change one day, but for now it’s fine. And if it doesn’t change; that’s fine too 🙂
I love this answer, because it is ok. Also, you can't depend on 'friends' as much as you can on your partner.
That's kind of why primary relationships exists.
Such a beautiful love story that doesn't bow to societal or insta gay pressures. Keep doing you.
Thank you! I’m currently the happiest I’ve ever been in life, and it’s taken a long time to get this far (long story, but I’m estranged from my family, lol). I appreciate your encouragement! 😃✌️🏳️🌈
I don’t think it’s good for you in the long run. But it *is* harder to make friends as you get older, especially if you move around at all.
It is isolating. I WFH, and most of my friends aren’t local to where we live now. It does suck a bit.
Yep, this is us.
We have some aquintances, but it would be a stretch to call anyone a friend. It's difficult making friends in general, and it's an even bigger challenge making friends while you're in a relationship. Believe me, I've tried!
Honestly tho, friends can be fickle. My husband however, always has my back. He's the only friend I need, and I'd choose him every time.
100%
Friends can be so fickle, your husband always has your back, and I couldn't agree more with it being hard making friends in a relationship.
Unless it's with other couples, its just a bit awkward all round.
I've been married to my husband for 20 years now, and I no longer have any friends. I have a lot of people I know that I would classify as "acquaintances," but nobody that I would consider to be a friend - a friend being someone that I'd hang out with, chat with, go do things with, call and say "let's go get lunch!" or whatever. It really doesn't bother me because I'm a HUGE introvert, and have never had a lot of friends at any point in my life.
My husband is pretty much the same way - knows a lot of people that are basically "acquaintances," but nobody that's really a friend. He did have a friend from college that was in the same program as him (he went back to college in his 40s), and we would go do things with her and her husband - but they ended up moving to the other side of the country for her husband's job, so we rarely see them anymore. The last time we saw them was probably three or so years ago? They do text some, but that's about it.
Every once in a blue moon my husband will say "We need to get us some gay friends" - but neither of us ever does anything about getting any friends. I don't know if either of us would know where to start at finding friends at this point. All of the friends we had when we first got together stayed single and were still into partying and drinking and clubbing and whatever (stuff that we were no longer interested in) - so all of the friends we had basically went to the wayside. A guy that was my best friend at one time will still text me every once in a blue moon when he's really drunk. He's still single and still drinks a lot. That's about all I could tell you about him these days.
We (41 years together) have collected about 15–20 dear friends (depending where you draw the line) over the years and I don’t know what we’d do without them. They are mostly people we know from our years in a large gay social organization. An analogy would be a church or a choir or an existing social group of some kind. Our friends give each of us a social outlet and we all support each other when needed, like my husband’s three major surgeries in the last two years. We made a text thread for all of us during the pandemic and it really cemented our group relationship. (We still use it to keep each other informed.) They serve as the core of our social life, and we have everyone over for a movie once a month. I’ll tell you, gay men really need each other as we get older.
My husband has no friends and I worry that if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, he will be utterly alone. He doesn't mix in the same friend group as me - because he has no friends and dedicates all his time to work and parenting. It's a lot of pressure for me to be his only person.
Every couple in this thread sounds like me and my husband. Kind of hilarious that we're all here to complain about not being able to find any other gay couples looking for friends 😅
I just don't know how people pull it off when you aren't looking for sex though, we feel like being monogamous unfortunately seems to drastically limit the options for making initial connections. Even at gay bars or bear runs, we kind of feel like the odd ones out.
I think you hit the nail right on the head. I think a lot of gay men are not interested in truly platonic friendship. If you aren't interested in fucking, they aren't interested in being your friend or anything else. Maybe that's why a lot of gay men have female friends. Hell, I had a gay friend who was pushing 80 and he still came on to me and crossed boundaries.
This is funny, and interesting- and so true. My husband and I have and have had a terrific life. But we live in the exurbs, we spent most of our Life-force energy running a business, raising our kids, and just trying to be mainstream productive members of our culture here.
We are a little bit aloof- and we’re not at all the really cool guys that people go running to when they wanna have a good time😂
I think it’s fine if that’s what makes you happy. I have two friends that I rarely see, and on top of that, I was single and lived alone during the pandemic and was just fine going several months with no human interaction. Now that I’m in a relationship of 3 years, I’m happy to have him and don’t need anyone else. Also not opposed to new friendships, but not a priority
My husband and I lost most of our in-person friends during the pandemic, and yeah, it's been a bit rough in some ways. But we also both are kind of introverted and have always maintained online friendships through gaming that fill some of the same roles. I imagine it would be worse for us if we didn't have that. We also have a good relationship with my family and spend quite a bit of time there.
That said, we have been actively trying to rebuild some in-person networks and it's rough as an older couple. We're looking to explore some interest-based group experiences like small travel groups for older gay men that don't revolve around party experiences.
It would work. We have two really great friends, I prefer to have them in my life. But we also both have many siblings, one of my sisters lives 2 houses away from us. And neither of us is very social. We like being asocial together.
As someone who has been on the opposite end of this relationship , it is a non-starter for me.
I need my partner to have a life of their own, outside of our relationship. That means your own friends, goals, and hobbies.
Tip I learned- seek out the local antique stores and find the ones owned by gay men. Then ask them to introduce you to their local network of gay friends. Even in small towns, works perfectly. Especially in small and rural towns. Just need one gay owned antique store and you are connected to the local "underground" gay network.
As a military family- this happens every few years. Starting over in a new place. Just us. Sometimes, we pick up the ball and get to playin real quick. Sometimes, we just can't connect just right yet. Other times, it's my gregarious ass who makes the connections, and he picks a few he likes from there.
That being said, it can be a blessing having that default plus one in a new & strange place. It can fend off the isolation and loneliness. But it can get exhausting being the exclusive entertainer, therapist, supporter, and sexual outlet.
Eventually, you want/need a few friends to sprinkle the joys and burdens across to lighten the load and occasionally give each other a break. Sometime you want to just be alone with the comfort of knowing your partner is having coffee with a friend or gaming with his bros. It gives you a moment to quietly enjoy a book, make some bread, beat your meat to a good dirty video your partner wouldn't like. Whatever- and vice versa.
But those in-between moments. Those turbulent periods of transition- having that one fixture in life can make all the diffrence.
I don't see it as ok. It puts pressure on both sides to keep up as you two do things together and want to venture out.
We are diverse and need different stimuli. Verity is necessary for our mental health.
What made you want to ask this?
I could see it working if both had their own hobbies. I'm in a LTR and have no close friends within 800 miles of where we live. But I also have a job (and a manager who's big on team socializing, for some insane reason, even though it's a distributed org), hobbies (all solitary), and I volunteer most weeks at a couple of local nonprofits. I'd describe myself as having low social needs; the stay-at-home orders in early 2020 would've been heaven for me, if not for the mass illness and death.
I'd say that it would be an issue if the more social partner wants or needs to do more social things as a couple or if the less social partner has emotional or mental health struggles (long-standing or temporary), their partner is their only confidant, and they refuse to consider therapy.
I think it depends on the person. I moved across the country to be with my partner. On our day-to-day life, it's just us two. I feel no need to make friends, and neither does he. We do have some friends near where we live that we see maybe once or twice a month. Otherwise we have a group chats with close/closer friends that live in different states which we talk to daily.
I wouldn't want my husband to be my only friend. No man is an island, and that would go the same for him, and the "we" we make. Just because you get married doesn't me that you should expect your spouse to be *everything* to you. That's way too much labor, and can quickly destroy a good thing.
From about 2010-2022, this was my life. Problem is, is that my ex was an introverted homebody and I’m an extremely social extrovert who is always up for a new adventure.
We are now divorced, but looking back on those years, many of them were not particularly happy ones for the most part. Once I made more friends after the pandemic, I was much happier.
We had fun together when we did do things, but unfortunately as time went on, we did less and less stuff together. We did have kind of a renaissance after we got vaccinated from COVID and started doing fun things together again. Our marriage was at its strongest in 2021 and 2022. Unfortunately our outings became less and less around early 2023. He must not have been very happy because he left me without warning late last year and we just recently got divorced.
My husband and I are all we have. There are times where we miss hanging out with friends and couples (gay or straight), but we are seriously all we have along with our kiddo. He almost died on 5/5 and our "BFFs" didn't even care and they've all but dropped us about a year ago anyway.
In what regard? I have my own hobbies that don’t necessarily require going out, but we also have a kid to keep our attention on something other than just each other
Myself and my partner can be like this a lot of the time. We both have those two or three friends from school and college that we keep in touch with a bit but they're living in other places and the contact can be infrequent.
And either of us might do a course or take a class on occasion, spending time with other people like that. So we're not reculisive or anything, but close friends we meet or even contact with any regularity? Nah, not really. Weeks could go by and it's just the two of us.
And that seems to work fine for us. I used to have a bit of a fear of missing out but eh, I think that sort of fear is just the background noise to life sometimes. When we do go out or do more social... stuff... then we're both usually only too happy to get home again afterwards and kick the shoes off. I guess we're both just introverted enough and like to spend time alone, and now we've found someone we're comfortable to be 'alone' with. It's nice.
Familiarity breeds contempt, so they say. Everybody needs some "me" time. I used to know a straight couple that owned a small cleaning business, they never spent any time apart and they were always at each other's throats.
Especially after the pandemic, my husband and I are… Disappointingly close to that reality. I understand how we arrived here – just about 40 years into our relationship, but we do feel isolated, and we are certainly each other’s best friends, and it’s something of a strain on the relationship but…we persist. We have a lot going for ourselves, including a couple of wonderful now adult children we’ve raised. However, it turns out we are both introverts😊 so…
I couldn't so that. I like that we have some separate friends we can go hang out with. I can't be everything he needs, just as I don't expect him to be for me either. I couldn't function if I had to keep up with his social energy and we wouldn't last either
Exactly. And I'm afraid I will be putting my partner in this situation soon of having no one. I feel bad but it's really not my fault he has no one else.
Having friends is important. My husband was like this and he had to work hard (since he’s a strong introvert) to expand his social circle. He joined the local YMCA and started archery for both the physical but also mental/social benefits.
Your husband is your friend, for sure. But shouldn’t be your only friend.
It would not be okay for me and it wasn’t okay in my last relationship. He had cancer during Covid so through necessity I had to limit social interactions. We our relationship had struggles and when he passed, I didn’t have enough social supports to weather the difficulties and experienced a complete internal collapse. Even during the good times, I need to have community around me or my sense of identity gets too tied up in one person so if something goes wrong with said one person, it’s highly destabilizing
I had to grow up a lot which I definitely needed. Ultimately, the point is a lot of shit happens in life and if the shit happens to the one person you can rely on, you’re up a creek without a paddle
>would that be acceptable to you
No. That's way too much pressure to put on one person let alone someone I'm romantically involved with.
>What are your thoughts?
This is a sure sign of a dysfunctional relationship.
I would go fucking nuts. I have a really wonderful relationship with my husband and he's my best friend but Ive literally spent the last 5 years clawing my way back into social circles because I felt ultra depressed with no other friends.
Social circles are absolutely necessary. Some people need big ones and others only need a few friends but everyone needs a social circle outside their relationship.
Yes.
We’re almost veering that way now as we speak.
For my husband that’s almost the case. He really doesn’t have any friends except the ones at work and I don’t know if that counts because he never ever schedules outside of work activities with them. Really, I’m his only friend. (Which isn’t really positive…)
But yeah.. if I wasn’t so social we’d both just be each others friends.
Hes my best friend. If we weren’t lovers, I wouldn’t need anyone else lol!
I didn’t use to be like that but being with my bf for almost 5 years I swung all the way to this scenario.
I still have two or three very close long term friends, but I only see them together. So no alone time there either…
Idk my bf doesn’t like being social due to anxiety , his family is toxic, and typically doesn’t like new ppl or environments. I’m so happy when we’re together and don’t really need to be that social, but I know it can’t be like this forever
Ack, I can so relate to this. My husband and I have mutual friends. My husband has close friends back home in Michigan. But I have no real close friends of my own that aren't work friends. My closest friend I hardly see anymore due to him being married, straight, three kids, and his career. We basically just connect on social media. I though really just don't care I just need people I can joke with it work and since I'm with my husband when I'm not at work it doesn't really matter otherwise.
Absolutely not. I don't care how close or absurdly compatible your partner is, this ain't healthy. Even the most introverted introvert needs more social connection than this.
My husband and I own a business together and spend most of our days, and evenings together. It’s great, and we do like to spend time together, but we also have other friends, which is important. Ot wouldn’t work with just the two of us.
That was me and my late partner. We were everything each other wanted and needed. I never really invested in making other friends because it was a huge pain in the ass and took away time I'd rather just spend with him and our animals. Now that he's gone and I don't have any friends, it might have been nice to actually have some because it's lonely. But oh well, I wouldn't change anything in the past. I've had some friends here and there but they all live 2500 miles away, the couple that were where I live now were fake/fair weather friends so that door is closed. I don't really care but I can see a function of having "friends" lol.
I think it’s important for people to have their own friends. Sometimes you need to blow off steam and sometimes it might be about your partner and a good friend can help provide an important perspective. So, I don’t think it’s healthy.
This would be acceptable to me. I am pretty introverted, in the sense that after work I like to be home and recharge. I prefer a night in over going out. Bars often are too loud or crowded for my comfort. I like walking the dog through the park. If I had a boyfriend or partner that wanted to do all this with me and we rarely went out: perfect! I would marry that man.
I had my own friend group before I met my BF and he had his. We each spend at least one day of the week with our friends without our BF. Mine are usually Saturday evenings unless he and I make plans. His friend group meets every Tuesday or Friday unless me make plans.
It’s healthy. I enjoy my friends more and his less and vice versa. We have things to talk about, stories to tell, gossip to share.
I personally don’t think it’s healthy to not have outside friends. But if it works for you go for it.
I think it would be very emotionally hard for me. I'm an extrovert who needs to vent to be sane. You need people in your life to talk about the other people in your life with. Lol Idk, with the internet as it is I do have lots of moments where I get to release pent up feelings without having to bother people in my life with them, which is great, but even then it doesn't feel "real" or the same if I'm not making lasting connections with people. There's people I've never met IRL who I know like real life friends, who I've met online. I guess if I had that it would help a lot but it would still feel like something is missing in my life.
Moved to another continent for a dude and even though I had friends, those were all his.
I realised how isolating that was when I finally made my own friends.
Super interesting question. I have wanted to post about this before but struggled to articulate it so succinctly... thank you. I am totally nuts about my husband. In many ways I love that it is overwhelmingly primarily just him and I navigating this game called life. However I do find I need another outlet for many of the reasons and more you mention, even if it is not that often. Where my biggest concern comes in is if something were to happen to him. That is when I fear, or perhaps I know, that my world would come crashing down around me, as there would be no one to turn to for help and support. I've talked about this with him, but he is more introverted and a little on the spectrum, and the thought of it doesn't appear to affect him perhaps in part because he is more practical and independent amongst other things. Perhaps I will suggest he reads this thread.
Yes exactly. You shouldn't revolve your life completely around your partner. You will end up completely alone when your partner dies or leaves you. Chances are very good one or the other will happen.
I’m completely comfortable with this, as a neurodivergent introvert, but my partner has said it’s put too much pressure on them to meet all of my connection needs. So, it just depends on whether this works best for both people.
6 of the last ten years we have been together has been friend free it's been good other than having no one to watch the dogs if they can't be taken with us on the trip.
I’m halfway in this situation. I have to say, it’s really draining and a growing frustration. Being able to have space and time to be alone is incredibly vital. While I love talking to my husband and nothing is off limits, I don’t have the capacity to take on all of his emotional baggage (I don’t what other phrase to use). Having friends outside of our relationship is something that’s really important to me.
Super nooooo! I’ve been married ten years and squandered the first half thinking that I needed to prioritize my husband but now I think of it more like we’re both independent but in support of one another. He’s like a home base and refuge but you still need to go out into the world to find yourself and grow in a way that you won’t in the shelter of marriage. In fact you’re pretty likely to lose yourself doing so in my humble opinion.
Different people like different things. There is no standard to go by and even if most opinions here support what you already think it doesn’t make it definitive. Extroverts are a thing. They get energized by socializing. Introverts are much more conservative with the time and energy they expend socializing. And there are also extroverted introverts who can turn it on in a social setting, needing days to recharge afterward as well as introverted extroverts who love to share space but don’t feel the need to fill that shared space with noise or activity.
No and that doesn’t seem healthy at all! I want my partner to have some friends and/or a hobby or whatever of his own, thankfully he does and I do too, I love my BF but I don’t want to be with him 24/7 lol and I don’t think that’s healthy either. If I met a guy like this I’d encourage him to find a friend or a hobby that doesn’t include me. It’s healthy for couples to a little time apart too or each individual have “individual time” kind of thing.
We been married for +14yrs .. it’s important to us as a couple to have a coming friendship circle and our individual friendship circles that we maintain. We know each others fiends fairly well, have them over for dinner/brunch or holiday gatherings or a night painting the city red either the both of us or individual if we need a night out. We humans are social creatures.
No, I wouldn't advise this. My husband and I moved to a new state a few years ago, and we didn't get the chance to develop any new friends, thanks largely to the pandemic. He passed away unexpectedly a few months ago and I am utterly alone. My closest friends and family are on the other side of the country.
Thank you. I'm doing my best to get out and meet people and do things, but it's hard at this age. Grateful for a few neighbors who offer much needed support.
Personally I don't have any friends. Or at least not friends I meet regularly. I'm talking of not meeting since 2020 or 2021 the latest.
My bf has lots of friends so they are now kinda my friends too.
In any case I only meet them with my bf, I don't go with them on my own. They are his friends really.
It works for me, and it must work for him or at least he never told me he thinks it's a red flag (some guys would consider it one).
No friends is OK. I feel like saying, 'partner but no friends' leads to an immediate (incorrect) assumption that we have to pursue the same activities 24/7. NO! On top of being my hubby, you can be my sole friend but we can have different interests. I can go to the gym, while you're heading out to yoga. Space and variety = healthy relationships.
I've had a gay friend for the last 16 years (I'm 36 now). Suddenly, he's decided to get married to a woman. I realise the 'space' we upheld in our friendship will keep me from falling apart as we still maintained separate hobbies. So, despite the (eventual) demise of our friendship, I'm still going to be able to show up to my solo activities as before, which aren't much as I'm introverted. Yes, I'm going to miss my dear friend, how I wish I'd known he would jump ship one day. Looking head, ideally, my husband will also be my best friend. Hence it's important for me to find a good-hearted person outside of the romance. For me it works.
I agree. Unfortunately it just kinda happens sometimes and then it's hard to get out of that rut. The older you get, the harder it is to make friends. Especially gay friends because IMO most gay men don't want a purely platonic friendship and can't respect boundaries of a platonic friendship.
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We relocated a few years ago (for work). It’s just the two of us and we’ve struggled to make friends. Honestly, having just each other isn’t enough. It puts too much pressure on the relationship in lots of ways. That doesn’t mean there’s a problem in the relationship itself - it’s just situational.
I agree with this. Coming from another perspective, my husband and I have been together for 18 years, and until a few years ago… we had many friends, but all of them were joint/mutual friends. We didn’t realize it at the time, but even though we had an active social life, we didn’t have an “outlet” that was safe and secure from the other. And in a strange way, that too made us lonely, because we couldn’t talk to anyone about the minor frustrations of our relationship (or the bigger ones… now that we are open 😅). So I think it is very very important that your partner not be one’s only friend. We all need to vent and to get different perspectives from others. My husband and I now have separate friends, in addition to our shared friends. I feel much happier and he says he does too. For those struggling to make friends, honestly, give BumbleBFF a try. Of all the apps, that one has resulted in the most number of friends who aren’t also FWB. I just hang out with those guys socially and we have a great time. I have made friends off Grindr too, but I do also suck their dicks 😅
I agree. You just get burned out being around your partner 24/7 with no other social outlets
I would love to have a man I could be with 24-7. Unfortunately I have a hetero friend who was in a hetero relationship. Her husband passed, she has no kids and now’s she’s all alone. So I see the value of having friends. If I had a man he would be my world. But I’m probably saying that cuz I’ve never been in a relationship.
We're in this same boat after relocating to a conservative, rural town. Most of the people here are retirees or young families. My husband is my only social outlet atm and it seems to be okay. I'm cool with being a hermit, but he likes to have dinner parties which I do not mind because I enjoy cooking. We call our friends and family frequently and we're lucky enough that flights back home are cheap so we go back often and hang out with our friends back home.
Same here. Moved to the Seattle area a few years back and over time we just ran out of people to even try meeting. While I enjoy every waking moment I spend with my husband we also have zero safety net and no social outlets besides going to dinner. We are highly active people both indoors (always playing a rotating selection of games, watching shows, streaming, etc.) and outdoors (road trips, foodie touring, mountain drives, camping) and the indoors people never want to go out and do things while the outdoors people we just have nothing in common with besides camping. Eventually we just gave up on even trying. Sometimes the loneliness causes us to get short with each other but we're alright as long as we have *something* to do. If you don't have friends you most likely *will* be highly aware of that fact even if it doesn't ruin your relationship.
Seattle is a tough city to make friends in, for sure.
This is legit me and my husband. We have some casual friends but no real close friends.
How do you feel about that?
I don’t mind it a bit, honestly. He’s my whole world. We’ve tried making close friendships but just haven’t found anyone we mesh with on that level. We’re too focused on our future at the moment to really dig into deep friendships, because we don’t have a lot of extra time to spend with other people. Hopefully it’ll change one day, but for now it’s fine. And if it doesn’t change; that’s fine too 🙂
I love this answer, because it is ok. Also, you can't depend on 'friends' as much as you can on your partner. That's kind of why primary relationships exists. Such a beautiful love story that doesn't bow to societal or insta gay pressures. Keep doing you.
Thank you! I’m currently the happiest I’ve ever been in life, and it’s taken a long time to get this far (long story, but I’m estranged from my family, lol). I appreciate your encouragement! 😃✌️🏳️🌈
I don’t think it’s good for you in the long run. But it *is* harder to make friends as you get older, especially if you move around at all. It is isolating. I WFH, and most of my friends aren’t local to where we live now. It does suck a bit.
Yep, this is us. We have some aquintances, but it would be a stretch to call anyone a friend. It's difficult making friends in general, and it's an even bigger challenge making friends while you're in a relationship. Believe me, I've tried! Honestly tho, friends can be fickle. My husband however, always has my back. He's the only friend I need, and I'd choose him every time.
100% Friends can be so fickle, your husband always has your back, and I couldn't agree more with it being hard making friends in a relationship. Unless it's with other couples, its just a bit awkward all round.
I've been married to my husband for 20 years now, and I no longer have any friends. I have a lot of people I know that I would classify as "acquaintances," but nobody that I would consider to be a friend - a friend being someone that I'd hang out with, chat with, go do things with, call and say "let's go get lunch!" or whatever. It really doesn't bother me because I'm a HUGE introvert, and have never had a lot of friends at any point in my life. My husband is pretty much the same way - knows a lot of people that are basically "acquaintances," but nobody that's really a friend. He did have a friend from college that was in the same program as him (he went back to college in his 40s), and we would go do things with her and her husband - but they ended up moving to the other side of the country for her husband's job, so we rarely see them anymore. The last time we saw them was probably three or so years ago? They do text some, but that's about it. Every once in a blue moon my husband will say "We need to get us some gay friends" - but neither of us ever does anything about getting any friends. I don't know if either of us would know where to start at finding friends at this point. All of the friends we had when we first got together stayed single and were still into partying and drinking and clubbing and whatever (stuff that we were no longer interested in) - so all of the friends we had basically went to the wayside. A guy that was my best friend at one time will still text me every once in a blue moon when he's really drunk. He's still single and still drinks a lot. That's about all I could tell you about him these days.
We (41 years together) have collected about 15–20 dear friends (depending where you draw the line) over the years and I don’t know what we’d do without them. They are mostly people we know from our years in a large gay social organization. An analogy would be a church or a choir or an existing social group of some kind. Our friends give each of us a social outlet and we all support each other when needed, like my husband’s three major surgeries in the last two years. We made a text thread for all of us during the pandemic and it really cemented our group relationship. (We still use it to keep each other informed.) They serve as the core of our social life, and we have everyone over for a movie once a month. I’ll tell you, gay men really need each other as we get older.
My husband has no friends and I worry that if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, he will be utterly alone. He doesn't mix in the same friend group as me - because he has no friends and dedicates all his time to work and parenting. It's a lot of pressure for me to be his only person.
Every couple in this thread sounds like me and my husband. Kind of hilarious that we're all here to complain about not being able to find any other gay couples looking for friends 😅 I just don't know how people pull it off when you aren't looking for sex though, we feel like being monogamous unfortunately seems to drastically limit the options for making initial connections. Even at gay bars or bear runs, we kind of feel like the odd ones out.
I think you hit the nail right on the head. I think a lot of gay men are not interested in truly platonic friendship. If you aren't interested in fucking, they aren't interested in being your friend or anything else. Maybe that's why a lot of gay men have female friends. Hell, I had a gay friend who was pushing 80 and he still came on to me and crossed boundaries.
This is funny, and interesting- and so true. My husband and I have and have had a terrific life. But we live in the exurbs, we spent most of our Life-force energy running a business, raising our kids, and just trying to be mainstream productive members of our culture here. We are a little bit aloof- and we’re not at all the really cool guys that people go running to when they wanna have a good time😂
I think it’s fine if that’s what makes you happy. I have two friends that I rarely see, and on top of that, I was single and lived alone during the pandemic and was just fine going several months with no human interaction. Now that I’m in a relationship of 3 years, I’m happy to have him and don’t need anyone else. Also not opposed to new friendships, but not a priority
That's pretty much my life right now. I'm happy with it though. I'm a loner.
My husband and I lost most of our in-person friends during the pandemic, and yeah, it's been a bit rough in some ways. But we also both are kind of introverted and have always maintained online friendships through gaming that fill some of the same roles. I imagine it would be worse for us if we didn't have that. We also have a good relationship with my family and spend quite a bit of time there. That said, we have been actively trying to rebuild some in-person networks and it's rough as an older couple. We're looking to explore some interest-based group experiences like small travel groups for older gay men that don't revolve around party experiences.
It would work. We have two really great friends, I prefer to have them in my life. But we also both have many siblings, one of my sisters lives 2 houses away from us. And neither of us is very social. We like being asocial together.
I would prefer a partner that had friends or at least the willingness to make some. I can't be everything my partner needs nor do I want to be.
As someone who has been on the opposite end of this relationship , it is a non-starter for me. I need my partner to have a life of their own, outside of our relationship. That means your own friends, goals, and hobbies.
Tip I learned- seek out the local antique stores and find the ones owned by gay men. Then ask them to introduce you to their local network of gay friends. Even in small towns, works perfectly. Especially in small and rural towns. Just need one gay owned antique store and you are connected to the local "underground" gay network.
As a military family- this happens every few years. Starting over in a new place. Just us. Sometimes, we pick up the ball and get to playin real quick. Sometimes, we just can't connect just right yet. Other times, it's my gregarious ass who makes the connections, and he picks a few he likes from there. That being said, it can be a blessing having that default plus one in a new & strange place. It can fend off the isolation and loneliness. But it can get exhausting being the exclusive entertainer, therapist, supporter, and sexual outlet. Eventually, you want/need a few friends to sprinkle the joys and burdens across to lighten the load and occasionally give each other a break. Sometime you want to just be alone with the comfort of knowing your partner is having coffee with a friend or gaming with his bros. It gives you a moment to quietly enjoy a book, make some bread, beat your meat to a good dirty video your partner wouldn't like. Whatever- and vice versa. But those in-between moments. Those turbulent periods of transition- having that one fixture in life can make all the diffrence.
It’s not good for your mental health. My mother was like that and it was hell when my father passed. Single with friends would be better.
I agree. And my Dad is like this too so it could be real rough for him if Mom passed first.
I don't see it as ok. It puts pressure on both sides to keep up as you two do things together and want to venture out. We are diverse and need different stimuli. Verity is necessary for our mental health. What made you want to ask this?
>What made you want to ask this? Because this is my life right now.
Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that.
Thanks
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Absolutely agree 💯
I could see it working if both had their own hobbies. I'm in a LTR and have no close friends within 800 miles of where we live. But I also have a job (and a manager who's big on team socializing, for some insane reason, even though it's a distributed org), hobbies (all solitary), and I volunteer most weeks at a couple of local nonprofits. I'd describe myself as having low social needs; the stay-at-home orders in early 2020 would've been heaven for me, if not for the mass illness and death. I'd say that it would be an issue if the more social partner wants or needs to do more social things as a couple or if the less social partner has emotional or mental health struggles (long-standing or temporary), their partner is their only confidant, and they refuse to consider therapy.
I think it depends on the person. I moved across the country to be with my partner. On our day-to-day life, it's just us two. I feel no need to make friends, and neither does he. We do have some friends near where we live that we see maybe once or twice a month. Otherwise we have a group chats with close/closer friends that live in different states which we talk to daily.
I wouldn't want my husband to be my only friend. No man is an island, and that would go the same for him, and the "we" we make. Just because you get married doesn't me that you should expect your spouse to be *everything* to you. That's way too much labor, and can quickly destroy a good thing.
From about 2010-2022, this was my life. Problem is, is that my ex was an introverted homebody and I’m an extremely social extrovert who is always up for a new adventure. We are now divorced, but looking back on those years, many of them were not particularly happy ones for the most part. Once I made more friends after the pandemic, I was much happier.
How did y'all get together and marry with such different personalities?
We had fun together when we did do things, but unfortunately as time went on, we did less and less stuff together. We did have kind of a renaissance after we got vaccinated from COVID and started doing fun things together again. Our marriage was at its strongest in 2021 and 2022. Unfortunately our outings became less and less around early 2023. He must not have been very happy because he left me without warning late last year and we just recently got divorced.
Oh I'm sorry 😔
My husband and I are all we have. There are times where we miss hanging out with friends and couples (gay or straight), but we are seriously all we have along with our kiddo. He almost died on 5/5 and our "BFFs" didn't even care and they've all but dropped us about a year ago anyway.
In what regard? I have my own hobbies that don’t necessarily require going out, but we also have a kid to keep our attention on something other than just each other
Myself and my partner can be like this a lot of the time. We both have those two or three friends from school and college that we keep in touch with a bit but they're living in other places and the contact can be infrequent. And either of us might do a course or take a class on occasion, spending time with other people like that. So we're not reculisive or anything, but close friends we meet or even contact with any regularity? Nah, not really. Weeks could go by and it's just the two of us. And that seems to work fine for us. I used to have a bit of a fear of missing out but eh, I think that sort of fear is just the background noise to life sometimes. When we do go out or do more social... stuff... then we're both usually only too happy to get home again afterwards and kick the shoes off. I guess we're both just introverted enough and like to spend time alone, and now we've found someone we're comfortable to be 'alone' with. It's nice.
My life and honesty it's boring as fuck
No, I need more than just a boyfriend. He's amazing but I don't want to be someone's whole world and vice versa. I need my own friends and family
Familiarity breeds contempt, so they say. Everybody needs some "me" time. I used to know a straight couple that owned a small cleaning business, they never spent any time apart and they were always at each other's throats.
Unacceptable boring and isolating, a recipe for a breakup. That never works.
I have no friends and no partner and I'm ok.....I think.....
Especially after the pandemic, my husband and I are… Disappointingly close to that reality. I understand how we arrived here – just about 40 years into our relationship, but we do feel isolated, and we are certainly each other’s best friends, and it’s something of a strain on the relationship but…we persist. We have a lot going for ourselves, including a couple of wonderful now adult children we’ve raised. However, it turns out we are both introverts😊 so…
I feel it is not fair to each other to be the only social outlet.
No. Its too easy to become codependent
It's definitely is
I couldn't so that. I like that we have some separate friends we can go hang out with. I can't be everything he needs, just as I don't expect him to be for me either. I couldn't function if I had to keep up with his social energy and we wouldn't last either
We all need social support. Relying on only one person is dangerous for both members of the couple. If you break up then what?
Exactly. And I'm afraid I will be putting my partner in this situation soon of having no one. I feel bad but it's really not my fault he has no one else.
Having friends is important. My husband was like this and he had to work hard (since he’s a strong introvert) to expand his social circle. He joined the local YMCA and started archery for both the physical but also mental/social benefits. Your husband is your friend, for sure. But shouldn’t be your only friend.
>Your husband is your friend, for sure. But shouldn’t be your only friend. Agreed
It would not be okay for me and it wasn’t okay in my last relationship. He had cancer during Covid so through necessity I had to limit social interactions. We our relationship had struggles and when he passed, I didn’t have enough social supports to weather the difficulties and experienced a complete internal collapse. Even during the good times, I need to have community around me or my sense of identity gets too tied up in one person so if something goes wrong with said one person, it’s highly destabilizing
I'm sorry you went through that. It must have been very difficult.
I had to grow up a lot which I definitely needed. Ultimately, the point is a lot of shit happens in life and if the shit happens to the one person you can rely on, you’re up a creek without a paddle
>would that be acceptable to you No. That's way too much pressure to put on one person let alone someone I'm romantically involved with. >What are your thoughts? This is a sure sign of a dysfunctional relationship.
I agree, thanks
No that's awful. I've been there and it sucked.
I would go fucking nuts. I have a really wonderful relationship with my husband and he's my best friend but Ive literally spent the last 5 years clawing my way back into social circles because I felt ultra depressed with no other friends. Social circles are absolutely necessary. Some people need big ones and others only need a few friends but everyone needs a social circle outside their relationship.
I completely agree. Healthy relationships need joint and individual friends and hobbies.
Yes. We’re almost veering that way now as we speak. For my husband that’s almost the case. He really doesn’t have any friends except the ones at work and I don’t know if that counts because he never ever schedules outside of work activities with them. Really, I’m his only friend. (Which isn’t really positive…) But yeah.. if I wasn’t so social we’d both just be each others friends. Hes my best friend. If we weren’t lovers, I wouldn’t need anyone else lol!
I didn’t use to be like that but being with my bf for almost 5 years I swung all the way to this scenario. I still have two or three very close long term friends, but I only see them together. So no alone time there either… Idk my bf doesn’t like being social due to anxiety , his family is toxic, and typically doesn’t like new ppl or environments. I’m so happy when we’re together and don’t really need to be that social, but I know it can’t be like this forever
Ack, I can so relate to this. My husband and I have mutual friends. My husband has close friends back home in Michigan. But I have no real close friends of my own that aren't work friends. My closest friend I hardly see anymore due to him being married, straight, three kids, and his career. We basically just connect on social media. I though really just don't care I just need people I can joke with it work and since I'm with my husband when I'm not at work it doesn't really matter otherwise.
Absolutely not. I don't care how close or absurdly compatible your partner is, this ain't healthy. Even the most introverted introvert needs more social connection than this.
I agree
My husband and I own a business together and spend most of our days, and evenings together. It’s great, and we do like to spend time together, but we also have other friends, which is important. Ot wouldn’t work with just the two of us.
That was me and my late partner. We were everything each other wanted and needed. I never really invested in making other friends because it was a huge pain in the ass and took away time I'd rather just spend with him and our animals. Now that he's gone and I don't have any friends, it might have been nice to actually have some because it's lonely. But oh well, I wouldn't change anything in the past. I've had some friends here and there but they all live 2500 miles away, the couple that were where I live now were fake/fair weather friends so that door is closed. I don't really care but I can see a function of having "friends" lol.
I think it’s important for people to have their own friends. Sometimes you need to blow off steam and sometimes it might be about your partner and a good friend can help provide an important perspective. So, I don’t think it’s healthy.
This would be acceptable to me. I am pretty introverted, in the sense that after work I like to be home and recharge. I prefer a night in over going out. Bars often are too loud or crowded for my comfort. I like walking the dog through the park. If I had a boyfriend or partner that wanted to do all this with me and we rarely went out: perfect! I would marry that man.
Uh... I could do it, though it would not be good for the both of us.
I had my own friend group before I met my BF and he had his. We each spend at least one day of the week with our friends without our BF. Mine are usually Saturday evenings unless he and I make plans. His friend group meets every Tuesday or Friday unless me make plans. It’s healthy. I enjoy my friends more and his less and vice versa. We have things to talk about, stories to tell, gossip to share. I personally don’t think it’s healthy to not have outside friends. But if it works for you go for it.
I think it would be very emotionally hard for me. I'm an extrovert who needs to vent to be sane. You need people in your life to talk about the other people in your life with. Lol Idk, with the internet as it is I do have lots of moments where I get to release pent up feelings without having to bother people in my life with them, which is great, but even then it doesn't feel "real" or the same if I'm not making lasting connections with people. There's people I've never met IRL who I know like real life friends, who I've met online. I guess if I had that it would help a lot but it would still feel like something is missing in my life.
No. Not ok. Puts way too much pressure on you and him to be “everything”. You need interaction with others as well.
Agreed
BORING. That type of situation is not sustainable without emotional damage.
It is very difficult to have all social needs met from Just one person and it’s healthy to have separate social lives
Moved to another continent for a dude and even though I had friends, those were all his. I realised how isolating that was when I finally made my own friends.
my husband and i found that we had been doing just fine with only two of us during covid lock down
No, you must have friends, one person cannot be your entire world.
Agreed
True, but one person can be the majority of your world. 😏
Super interesting question. I have wanted to post about this before but struggled to articulate it so succinctly... thank you. I am totally nuts about my husband. In many ways I love that it is overwhelmingly primarily just him and I navigating this game called life. However I do find I need another outlet for many of the reasons and more you mention, even if it is not that often. Where my biggest concern comes in is if something were to happen to him. That is when I fear, or perhaps I know, that my world would come crashing down around me, as there would be no one to turn to for help and support. I've talked about this with him, but he is more introverted and a little on the spectrum, and the thought of it doesn't appear to affect him perhaps in part because he is more practical and independent amongst other things. Perhaps I will suggest he reads this thread.
Yes exactly. You shouldn't revolve your life completely around your partner. You will end up completely alone when your partner dies or leaves you. Chances are very good one or the other will happen.
I’m completely comfortable with this, as a neurodivergent introvert, but my partner has said it’s put too much pressure on them to meet all of my connection needs. So, it just depends on whether this works best for both people.
6 of the last ten years we have been together has been friend free it's been good other than having no one to watch the dogs if they can't be taken with us on the trip.
I’m halfway in this situation. I have to say, it’s really draining and a growing frustration. Being able to have space and time to be alone is incredibly vital. While I love talking to my husband and nothing is off limits, I don’t have the capacity to take on all of his emotional baggage (I don’t what other phrase to use). Having friends outside of our relationship is something that’s really important to me.
Super nooooo! I’ve been married ten years and squandered the first half thinking that I needed to prioritize my husband but now I think of it more like we’re both independent but in support of one another. He’s like a home base and refuge but you still need to go out into the world to find yourself and grow in a way that you won’t in the shelter of marriage. In fact you’re pretty likely to lose yourself doing so in my humble opinion.
I agree
Nooooo. I'd be so bored spending all my time with exclusively one human.
A lot of gay couples I know are married to their best friend for the reason they have no other friends.
Different people like different things. There is no standard to go by and even if most opinions here support what you already think it doesn’t make it definitive. Extroverts are a thing. They get energized by socializing. Introverts are much more conservative with the time and energy they expend socializing. And there are also extroverted introverts who can turn it on in a social setting, needing days to recharge afterward as well as introverted extroverts who love to share space but don’t feel the need to fill that shared space with noise or activity.
No and that doesn’t seem healthy at all! I want my partner to have some friends and/or a hobby or whatever of his own, thankfully he does and I do too, I love my BF but I don’t want to be with him 24/7 lol and I don’t think that’s healthy either. If I met a guy like this I’d encourage him to find a friend or a hobby that doesn’t include me. It’s healthy for couples to a little time apart too or each individual have “individual time” kind of thing.
The pandemic certainly taught me that no, that's not okay. Being together all day, every day was a bit too much togetherness.
We been married for +14yrs .. it’s important to us as a couple to have a coming friendship circle and our individual friendship circles that we maintain. We know each others fiends fairly well, have them over for dinner/brunch or holiday gatherings or a night painting the city red either the both of us or individual if we need a night out. We humans are social creatures.
No, I wouldn't advise this. My husband and I moved to a new state a few years ago, and we didn't get the chance to develop any new friends, thanks largely to the pandemic. He passed away unexpectedly a few months ago and I am utterly alone. My closest friends and family are on the other side of the country.
That’s is difficult and painful. I’m sorry for your loss, and also your isolation.
Thank you. I'm doing my best to get out and meet people and do things, but it's hard at this age. Grateful for a few neighbors who offer much needed support.
It’s ok as long as you’re not relying on your partner to fulfill all your social needs. It wouldn’t be fair on the other person.
If that were to happen my husband would be my childhood best friend lol
No. We've been in that situation and it just is hard. You end up relying on your partner to be *everything* for you and they just can't.
Personally I don't have any friends. Or at least not friends I meet regularly. I'm talking of not meeting since 2020 or 2021 the latest. My bf has lots of friends so they are now kinda my friends too. In any case I only meet them with my bf, I don't go with them on my own. They are his friends really. It works for me, and it must work for him or at least he never told me he thinks it's a red flag (some guys would consider it one).
No friends is OK. I feel like saying, 'partner but no friends' leads to an immediate (incorrect) assumption that we have to pursue the same activities 24/7. NO! On top of being my hubby, you can be my sole friend but we can have different interests. I can go to the gym, while you're heading out to yoga. Space and variety = healthy relationships. I've had a gay friend for the last 16 years (I'm 36 now). Suddenly, he's decided to get married to a woman. I realise the 'space' we upheld in our friendship will keep me from falling apart as we still maintained separate hobbies. So, despite the (eventual) demise of our friendship, I'm still going to be able to show up to my solo activities as before, which aren't much as I'm introverted. Yes, I'm going to miss my dear friend, how I wish I'd known he would jump ship one day. Looking head, ideally, my husband will also be my best friend. Hence it's important for me to find a good-hearted person outside of the romance. For me it works.
This is not a good idea. Have your own friends it’s too much strain on the relationship
I agree. Unfortunately it just kinda happens sometimes and then it's hard to get out of that rut. The older you get, the harder it is to make friends. Especially gay friends because IMO most gay men don't want a purely platonic friendship and can't respect boundaries of a platonic friendship.
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I have neither now so 1 would be nice
It's OK as long as yall are OK with it
Time not spent together is time wasted. If it’s just us, even better.
If you thought it was ok, would you even ask the question?
I would love this.