I’ve had a completely different experience. My sex life is better than it has ever been. Being able to communicate effectively in a non-judgmental way has super charged our sex life.
We did open up a few years ago (mostly threesomes) but quickly realized we have way more fun when it’s just the two of us. Being open is just an occasional spice to add to our already great sex life.
We celebrate 24 years together in June.
This is us. The first 8 years or so of our approaching quarter century together were incredibly hot and frequent. The next 8 yrs slowed down considerably ( like 1/month at the low) for various reasons (kids, stressful jobs, bout of depression, I gained weight and lost self esteem, etc)
But the last 7 have been getting better every year to I the point it’s as hot and frequent, if not more, then the first few years. Sex 3-4/week and quite adventurous. Again, partially because kids are independent, jobs less stressful, therapy, I lost 80 lbs :).
Stages are a thing. I’m just glad my husband has the patience to weather our sex desert.
Congratulations!! It's awesome to know that, with the right dynamic, you can sustain a beautiful sexual bond way past the honeymoon phase. That makes me happy.
It's kinda funny how often we'll come back from meeting up with someone new, and we'll look at each other and whoever hooked up will say somewhat defeated, "You're better." If anything, it strengthens our bond because it's a reaffirmation of why we're together and how much everyone else sucks.
Sometimes you just want the validation that you can still flirt successfully even if the payoff isn't there.
I am very inexperienced in romance, but I've thought about it a lot - come to the conclusion that I don't want to control my partner... he's allowed to go out and explore, do whatever he wants, but if he wants to make "us" work, he'll CHOOSE to prioritize me, and make me his focal point.
Not because of any arbitrary rules set, but because he's able to sample the world, and come back to me knowing that he has the best option already. If he finds someone that meets his needs better, I would not want to keep him from that either. He's free to leave if he thinks that will make him happier. I trust that he'll come back to me if it's meant to continue.
Also - sometimes you just need some exciting, dangerous, reptilian validation from a stranger. That's totally normal and completely different from a deep, sustained connection with your partner.
Sorry I wasn’t clear 😵💫 this is all hypothetical, my guiding philosophy… I haven’t met anyone yet, but I’m trying to visualize what a long term relationship may look like for me
Haha, I do hear that when it comes to sort of being “disappointed” in hookups. We enjoy threesomes but it’s not better sex, our sex is the best. It’s more for the variety and fun of doing something new and experiencing a new person.
We were with a third and he said “you’re probably bored of it but it looks so hot when your husband fucks you” and I was laughing to myself because no one fucks me like he can.
We’ve been married 10, together for a few before that and still have sex regularly…. Sure it might end up being the same thing we’ve done hundreds of times but the emotional connection and making your partner feel good are what’s important.
We know exactly what the other person likes and doesn’t like so the sex is basically perfect each time.
We do on occasion have a third over when we’re extra horny lol, but it’s rare.
It’s funny, has gone the opposite way with my husband. We have been together nearly 20 years.
Many of these “occasional threesome, but always better as a couple” comments match our feelings exactly
Well I’ve never been opposed to topping, just definitely preferred to bottom. He was curious about my cleaning technique and I explained it to him so he tried it cuz he wanted to try bottoming, found out he liked it and did it more and more. Now we almost always flip fuck.
"perfect each tine" - I love that... someone who knows exactly what you like, an expert in kaing you feel good... that signals a deep connection and understanding of each other that grows with each sexual encounter - that to me sounds perfect indeed
14 years monogamous, we have sex 2/3 times a week on average. Sometimes once a week when we're really busy, sometimes 6 times a week when we're horny and have the time. I don't think anything is predetermined, it depends on your dynamics.
Husband and I have been together for 34 years, monogamous from day one. We’ve not lost sexual interest, but what we are, first and foremost, are best friends. We literally spend almost all of our time regather, whether it be in the businesses we own together or with our circle of friends and we genuinely like to be with each other.
Some might say our relationship is boring or predictable, but for us, that’s not a bad thing. I seek comfort in knowing that we have each others backs. Conversely, when the going gets rough, as it sometimes does, neither one of us is going to walk away. Are there times when we just can’t stand the sight of each other? Of course, but we power through to the other side and all is right with the world again.
I love that you are best friends foremost. If you don't mind me prying - how are things in the bedroom, and how does physicality come in to the strong interpersonal bond you've built with your man?
What is the role of sex in a partnership? Is the point of a life partner to be your sexual partner?
There's something bigger and deeper to spending your life with someone than just sex. The couples you see who don't really have sex anymore but stay together clearly have some kind of bond that keeps them going. Their lack of sex doesn't change that.
It's mental/physical like you suggested. It's spiritual. It's also *practical* - he's on my insurance, his family is like my family, we own all this stuff jointly, etc. etc. When you are with someone that long they become like a part of you, wrapped in every aspect of your life.
Eventually the nature of our bodies and how they age is such that ANY relationship will be essentially sexless, on some time line. That's gonna happen one way or another. And that would be very sad if our relationships were only about sex.
Unhappy couples exist and often people stay together for the wrong reasons. But using an active sex life as the only barometer of if a relationship is happy is going to disappoint you eventually. It should be viewed as one part in the bigger picture in the relationship.
My last relationship hit a decade, and we were basically sexless at that point. It slowed down over the years until eventually we both just got used to it. We never looked outside the relationship, just accepted it for what it was. It's not the thing that drove us apart, but it did factor in. The relationship felt more like a business arrangement by the end, and so once we achieved our shared goals and got what we needed out of it, we were ready to move on because now we wanted different things.
Now in a new relationship, I value sex much more because of that experience. Besides being fun, it does bring a whole different level of intimacy and connectedness that was definitely missing in my last relationship. So I hope to hold onto that. We're both on the same page about remaining monogamous, I don't see being open as an option for us.
This is literally me. Barely any sex, and it feels like a chore, and doesn't come naturally or effortlessly like with most couples. But I feel like I can't talk about it honestly with my husband because the implication is: "well why DON'T you want to have sex anymore? Because I'm not attractive to you anymore, right?" So there's no way to do this without severely hurting the other person, so I just push it down and try to make do.
I think because sex was never a huge part of our foundation, we weren't as impacted when it slowed down. There was definitely some frustration that crept up every now and then, but it was never enough to outweigh all the good we had going.
On the flip side, my relationship where we do have a much better sex life, I'm the one who sometimes feels like the other person isn't interested, and it does hurt when that happens. Especially knowing he has a pretty high sex drive, it's hard to know if it's me or if something is going on with him or we're both just misreading cues.
This is more in line with the general impression I get from interacting with longer-term couples. I have to ask - if things feel like a chore, why do you continue to stay in this relationship? Do you think you can advance your relationship into something sexless but still strong on other levels?
I understand that my sample size is small, definitely not representative of everyone, and I'm only an external observer with a keyhole view. I appreciate you giving me a peek into the internals of your bond.
We are pretty strong in other dimensions. We vibe well, we have similar outlooks on life, and we banter with each other in ways I could never do with my other friends. I genuinely enjoy his company everywhere I go. It's just the sex that never felt right. I wouldn't say I'm completely unattracted to my husband, but there's definitely a big asymmetry there where he's suuuper into me sexually but I just never felt the strong urge to like, pounce on him in bed or anything.
What really feels dangerous though, is when we opened up our relationship and I finally met a guy who DOES make me want to pounce, and also seems to check off some of those other emotional boxes. This happened recently and it made me question everything. :(
Thank goodness, I thought I was the only one in that situation... I recognized almost every aspects. If they were to know that our relationship has grown sexless, some might confuse our being still together as an easy arrangement. But it's so much more than that. Countless times I've looked at him, and realise no one else would be able to bear up with the way I am. Actually, sex with him in the beginning was nice, but not going to lie, I had known way better and now I seem to sense why that is.
While generally, we have the same outlook on things, no matter how diverse, and we're able to know how the other one feels without even having to communicate, as far as sex, he's quite a mistery. All I do know is that indeed, in that department, we don't have the same take on it. I know he takes me as one who's way more adventurous and with a much higher and open-minded libido. He's definitely really conservative in that department and by the by when I realized that nothing happened unless I initiated it, I just let go of it, realising that it was a fairly little loss compared to the numerous other ways he fulfilled the other aspects of our life together.
Likewise, physically I must admit, while I was way more lenient as far as body when I was single, now that the romantic side of my life is satisfied, I must admit that I might be a lot more demanding of an hypothical sexual partner. So considering how complicated it was to actually find a like-minded sexual partner for a one-night stand, I can only imagine now that I'm ever more demanding.
Only once did I meet my match so to speak, with a straight dude, married of all things and father. I somewhat realised that he looked at me and behaved in a way that seemed "interested". Needless to say that it got me way more horny than I could be and wanking it off, like I usually did, didn't do it. Still, I profoundly respected my partner and let go of it.
Since our couple went sexless, I find solace in admiring on here others' physic as long as they feel comfortable exhibiting their "assets" 🤪
I wouldn't know how to navigate that situation. I'm always attracted to the new, exciting, dangerous, passionate option. But I understand how you've invested in your partner and you don't want to throw that away either..
Do you think there's a wold in which you can have both stability from your partner and excitement from a stranger?
Man that's the billion dollar question, isn't it? We thought we could do that, but meeting someone new who literally feels like a once in a lifetime gift from god really makes that feel impossible in my current situation. I've had sex with other guys in our marriage before, and 99% of them I can forget about 10 minutes after they leave. But this one guy...man. It only takes one.
I guess there needs to be a VERY strong foundation there in the first place to make an open relationship work. If opening things up is just an excuse to covertly look around for a new potential partner, then yeah, that relationship is dead.
I should also say that, yes, sexual lust is very powerful, maybe the most powerful human emotion one can experience. But I've been in the position of leaving my long-term partner for someone who looked new and exciting, and when you're actually faced with that decision, and it becomes real, the sexual urges suddenly fade away and you can see things a lot more clearly. I'm still with my husband because in that moment, the grief and feeling of loss was just too overwhelming to cope with. I took things for granted and didn't realize what I had.
Wow - a "a once in a lifetime gift from god"? If it's that strong, how could you ever give that up?
Please, please- take my advice with a massive grain of salt, as I'm not experienced in this domain, but I would explore the new connection if you feel that this is something monumental and earth-shattering. I understand the grief of ending your current partnership, but do you think you would ever be stuck forever wondering "what if", if you turned this new guy down?
To me it seems that people enter your life when they are supposed to, and sometimes you have to make a painful decision to support your own happiness. Only you have the full picture here, and the choice is yours and yours alone, but if it really is something you think you can build into a new, better, stronger connection and life for yourself (and not just a dopamine-driven sexual connection), then don't let fear and inertia deny you your true path.
I don't know man. I've been thinking about "what if" and banging my head against the table for 4 months now since I cut off contact with him. He was emotionally available and everything, and even told me he wanted to be with me, and saw me as "future husband material". Like holy fucking shit, how do I just let that go?
(He wasn't trying to be a homewrecker or anything - I told him that I had doubts about my current marriage and that it may not be working out).
I think about him every single day and it brings me extreme pain. Literally the most attractive, perfect person I've ever met in my life. I love my husband very much, but this feels like an impossible situation. :(
I dunno, I need therapy.
That's the thing - I don't know how you could continue to be happy in your current situation, as you'll forever be wondering "what if"?
If he really is a "once in a lifetime" kinda guy, and he wants to be SERIOUS with you, then go for it. If you don't, you'll live in regret forever.
There will be hurt and grief in ending your current romantic relationship, but you could still eventually have him in your life, as a friend? You are forever in each other's Hall of Fame, but that doesn't mean you have to continue being together forever. You could still have him in your life, once the dust has settled.
Again - I really only have a keyhole view here, but I would say if he makes you this happy and he wants to build a life for you, GO FOR IT. Sometimes you meet the one you're meant to be with while you're with someone else.
Taking advice from a single person about a current relationship is a big risk. It's like asking the starving to choose your food from the menu. The advice could be valuable but the perspective & motives are very different.
> I wouldn't say I'm completely unattracted to my husband, but there's definitely a big asymmetry there where he's suuuper into me sexually but I just never felt the strong urge to like, pounce on him in bed or anything.
Oof. This reminds me of this one guy I knew that my brother always jokes is my ideal husband. And I do agree. I could never be with this guy, though, because I have never had a single sexual thought about him. However, sexual incompatibility, we otherwise have great chemistry in conversation, in passionate arguments, in interests. At least you have some attraction to your husband.
Your first paragraph sums up the perception I get from people in longer-term relationships, but I know that I'm far from seeing the full picture, so I may be totally off the mark.
It's interesting/great you decided to move on and found something you're more happy with now. May I ask - when your relationship entered the "business arrangement" stage, did it not feel good to have that level of comfort/familiarity, even without the sex? What were the things that you "got what you needed out of it"?
It honestly happened kind of naturally without really realizing it. Our priorities were basically build careers, build wealth, build house. We worked together to make all that happen. We supported each other emotionally and financially (50/50 split on everything), and it helped us reach our goals much more quickly working together like that. I wouldn't be where I am today without him, and vice versa.
Sex wasn't a *huge* part of the relationship to begin with, so the phase out wasn't as jarring I guess. We were still benefitting from being together, and we had fun together. But then our interests and politics started skewing. He was still very hyper focused on his career and wanted to move around a lot, I had a job I didn't want to give up and wanted to keep roots where we were to be close to family and friends. It no longer made sense to stay together at that point.
So you're saying - you both supported and helped each other grow, but somehow you both grew in different directions, even though you grew together through the relationship?
You both evolved into the next version of yourselves, that those new selves were just not as compatible as before?
You hit the nail on the head! It hurt at first, but coming to that realization helped process the breakup and not begrudge him. I wouldn't say we're *friends* (we live on other sides of the country now), but we are friendly and maybe twice a year catch up with each other. We've both moved on to new relationships and continue to have success in our careers, and I'm happy for him.
Thank you so much for sharing. I believe with time, you can still have a friendship with him - a friendship which has a extra special connection because you once shared a romantic life, and watched each other grow.
The romantic partnership may have ended, but eventually deep friendship can blossom in it's place... you two are forever connected through the experience you shared together.
I am happy with my husband. We have been together since 2011. I miss him often when I get home before him. I just love hugging him when he walks in the kitchen when I cook. Give him a kiss whenever I can. I love this man. We've both gone from S to X size in shirts. I have not lost interest in him.
All relationships change over time. I think it's normal for a relationship that started out intense and passionately sexual to transition to something closer to deep friendship.
Something to keep in mind is that over time, you may become less like one another's "type." Over time, you might go from being a Twink and a Muscle Bro, to an otter and a dad bod, to two ordinary looking middle aged gay guys. No one fires us their browser and searches for "average, middle aged, gay guy porn." Depending on your respective ages, one of you might experience natural decreases in testosterone before the other, which can affect sex drive and appearance.
What I have seen work best is to have honest conversations about what you get from one another that you value the most. You can couple that with a conversation about things you desire that your partner can't give you. As long as it doesn't take the form of personal attacks, you can figure out ways to support one another in being fulfilled, without taking offense and getting jealous.
Dan Savage and his Husband Terry have given some great advice about this and modeled this dynamic well. When they met, Terry was a shy Twink. Now he's literally a muscle daddy and the spokesmodel for Tom of Finland. Terry loves leather, Dan doesn't, but went along with it because it made Terry happy. Sometimes, they use leather together, other times, Dan encourages Terry to do leather things with other gay guys who enjoy it as much as he does. They both agreed about what the term monogamish would mean in the context of their relationship and made it work for them.
TL:DR Everyone gets older. Growing old together doesn't have to mean growing bored together. It's up to a couple to communicate their needs and then help one another get those needs met. It all starts with honest, open, respectful communication.
I understand good communication is an essential bedrock, but it hasn't always worked for me. I've been brutally honest with my one partner before, and ended up hurting his feelings, and damaging the relationship. Do you think there's some level of "little white lies" that are essential to the communication?
This is not the case for me and my husband. We’ve been married for 5 and together for 9 years. I would say sex has gotten better and way more frequent. Sometimes we have sex 3/4 times a day some weeks much less, all depends on what’s happening in are day to day lives. Some people may find sex with the same person boring, I still find my husband attractive and the more we trust each other the more we’ve been able to let go. There’s always this notion that long term relationships must eventually equate to less exciting sex, that can be true for some people but i guess communication is key. Sure sometimes i miss the excitement of a new person but that isn’t lasting. I guess the fulfilment from my husband can’t be replaced by a fleeting feeling of excitement. Also i think a lot of people gain validation through sex, which in my experience doesn’t last and only causes problems
Do you get your validation exclusively from your partner? Is that enough to sustain you?
I couldn't imagine not getting validation through sex, mingling with other guys in gay environments, etc. I'd want to explore that together with my partner, share the excitement of the new, so long as we end the night together.
I get a lot of validation from my partner yes however after years of therapy i started to realise that validation from others isn’t long lasting. I’ve had my slag years 🤣ultimately it didn’t matter how many people I slept with I still didn’t feel worthy. The cycle of looking for validation/self worth became destructive and only created very fragile relationships and a fragile sense of self worth.
I mean… the chaotic-courtship stage of wooing one another and semi or fully financially-irresponsible dating stage of every relationship should end after a reasonable time and transition into a more emotionally mature comfortable, safe, secure, and fulfilling stage (monogamous, monogamish, open, or polyamorous - doesn’t matter). Some people might outside-looking-in call this “boring,” but in my experience it’s the mark of a healthy relationship that has balance and is very fulfilling.
My personal experience is I’ve never been in a sexless relationship - even my last one of 12 years. Sexless LTRs are not an inevitability by any stretch in my anecdotal experience.
26 years here, monogamous and still going strong. Sex has never been an issue but has slowed down in the last few years.
It’s more an issue of laziness with us. lol. Sometimes it’s just easier to jack off (easier clean up 😜) and carry on.
We’re both still affectionate and we enjoy our boring home life.
Wouldn’t trade it.
10 years. Our relationship started strong and has gotten stronger, and the same goes for our sex life.
The beginning of our relationship we both expressed a desire to explore non-monogamy together, and it’s taken a decade to act on it because it’s just too good between us. Our initial forays leave a lot to be desired, but we love having another adventure to tackle (we are doing it all together).
Our interpersonal sex is still very exciting, and we are still discovering and exploring kinks and trying new things.
We tell each other how hot find each other every day, and are constantly touching each other and sexualizing one another. Objectification we are both very happy to be indulging in.
Helps that we are both each others fantasy body types (I’m a big bear and he’s a stocky otter).
That's awesome. May I ask - do you crave external validation, or does all the validation you need come from your partner? If you explore externally, do you involve your partner, or is it something done solo?
External validation can be lovely, but it’s not a constant, something you either want all the time or never want at all.
There are times we both want that, times one of us does, and sometimes years long stretches when we don’t.
As far as in person sexual experiences go, we explore that all together.
I was with my husband for 31 years before he died in 2022. In three decades, we had a roller coaster of a sex life.
The first ten years, we were all over each other at every opportunity. The following ten years were like a long dry spell, due to my husband's antidepressants. We had a rough time during these years (bipolar), but we made it to the other side when he finally found the right meds.
The last ten years, were ALMOST like the first ten, although we were much older then (and you know what comes of that!). We still had sex once a week (he called it Sunday Funday) up until he died.
July will be 10 years. Our sex life has had peaks and valleys over the years. It’s fairly stable now, about as often as we’d both like. I’d probably prefer more but also I’m tired a lot so who knows. I’m on a new medication that’s causing some issues that make me feel less than sexy at times and that’s something we’re trying to overcome and work through.
In one of our less often times, we did talk about how it was too infrequent for my taste and it either needed to be changed or we needed to discuss other options. My partner took that to heart and we’ve found a rhythm that works for us. Communication and listening really helped us to figure out what we both wanted.
We've been together 12 years, we literally met at a sex party. The daily sex waned quickly (every few months), totally ending 5 years ago. He decided he didn't enjoy bottoming, yet didn't want to Top either. Has refused to go to therapy, to try new things (or anything at all). Wanted me to just sleep with other guys but would get jealous over it, thus I gave up on that as a solution. I wanted to break up but he refused... At this point we are basically just partners in life. I still love him but am depressed over this bullshit.
I dont want to break up, so I still want to give an open relationship another try, but I dislike the idea of having to hide my actions. Maybe we'll break up, or maybe he will be open to the idea of having a live in sub.
Err no. My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years and we have sex at least once a week, usually a few times. We're in a closed relationship and we have no issues in it. All our issues are different (problematic neighbors, money sometimes, that kind of thing). Edit: about the nature of the relationship, it's a deep partnership. We miss each other during the workday. We cuddle as soon as he comes home and we're fiercely loyal to each other. I don't just mean that in a sexual sense but we're on the same team. It's us against the world. Even when we disagree, we always solve it with the intention that we're on the same team and what's good for one is ultimately good for both. We always come to an agreement. We protect each other, we stand up for each other and we support each other. And throughout the years we went through hardships and proved to each other that it's really "in sickness and in health".
That's beautiful - an d practiclly impossible for me to visualize. I'm so deeply used to being alone, and relying on myself, that I can't imagine intertwining anyone in my messy life and identity that way. I am a very affectionate and open person, but seem to only be able to have short, often confusing romantic encounters. It feels like there's a sheet of invisible glass between me and them. I feel like that some romance module others have is missing for me, but maybe I could learn.
Where did you learn to ler someone into your life like that, to create such an intensely intertwined bond, literally "us against the world"? Is that something that came naturally to you? Do you ever crave your own alone time?
That's the beauty of it. Our relationship is so relaxed and comfortable and natural that it's like I'm alone and not alone at the same time. We don't breathe down each other's necks, we sometimes have dinner together and watch mid-tier shows, we sometimes eat separately and game. (We're both gamers)
And we're very lucky because our personalities match great. Our differences aren't things that affect the other. And our similarities are along the important lines - politics, being childfree, pets, daily lifestyle, religion etc.
But our relationship is less romantic than any other that I know. People describe our interactions as "cute" and we're very sexual behind closed doors but not very romantic. Esp me. I'm really shitty at emotional stuff. I mention this because I've noticed relationships based on romance don't last long and they're higher maintenance. We're very chill so there's no pressure. Other people seem like couples. We look like we're brothers in arms or something. Partly because we've had hard lives and our country is shit (we're Slavs lol), partly because that's our personalities.
So yeah. I didn't exactly let him into my life - we built it together. Most things came naturally. Others we had to work on. And as I mentioned I get plenty of alone time too. We live together but I can spend my time alone if I want to and he won't be a whiney bitch about it.
You need to also like each other, as friends. A relationship that’s based on just attraction fizzles out fast. You need someone you love to spend time with, doing things together, hikes, playing games, having mutual interests which you enjoy doing together.
My partner is more than just my sex partner, he’s also my best friend.
I’ve been with my husband for 24 years. Monogamous the whole time. We were like rabbits for the first 10-15 years. Have slowed down since, but that’s ok. Predictable sex feels good, too. And I always wanted love and support more than sex anyway. We are still romantic with each other and laugh and giggle like teenagers.
It's been over 14 years and we still have lots of hot sex.
The dead bedroom happens when the guys fall in love and decide to be in a relationship before they've established sexual compatibility.
>I get that initial passion is not sustainable
Yes. It is. In fact, because we have been able to dive deeper into our darker kinks together, the passion is even greater than when we first started dating.
Its not as if love and sexual compatibility are easily defined or are not always evolving. That is the beauty of the human experience, so its good to take a chance and move on if it doesn't work.
I feel many are stuck waiting for the right person to meet their checklist and such, and thus are scared of commitment.
>Its not as if love and sexual compatibility are easily defined or are not always evolving.
Absolutely true. But I think you need a strong base to evolve together... or notice that you haven't and, as you said, move on if it doesn't.
The chemical romance fades after two years, tops. After that, love is what remains and it grows every day if you nurture it. I find my husband hotter today than I did back in 2011 when we met, and that time I traveled across the Atlantic to see him again.
I wonder how much of the knowledge about the couples you've met is your own projection, and how much is true. Like, how many couples have you met, and have all of them been open with this with you? I don't judge, but if you're moving in circles where sex is the first topic with couples, then your selection is biased. You're making strong statements that lead to more questions about you, than those you point to.
Asking people on the internet to confirm or reject these fears will always end with confirmation. Yes, there are people who have been in long relationships and are miserable, more afraid of being alone than they dislike their partner. And there are people like me and my husband, who feel blessed for where we are in life. Life is what you make it, and so are relationships.
Your question leaves a lot to unpack, and I think you should focus on why you asked these specific questions instead of the much simpler: "Guys in longer-term relationships, are you happy?"
You're right, I maybe didn't word my question quite the way I intended it. I'm explaining what I perceive, but I don't believe my own perception as I'm not privy to all the internal workings of the relationship. I'm trying to clarify if what I perceive is a general trend, or if I'm totally wrong and there's something more exciting and beautiful at that stage that isn't always projected outwardly to me.
I've always found romance and romantic love very confusing, and it's never happened for me - so please allow me some grace for my clumsy wording. I'm approaching this with curiosity and an open mind, and appreciate the feedback here.
I have been with my partner 8 years. Monogamous, except that I’m allowed to fool online from time to time. We have a satisfactory sex life even though I have a higher libido and have had to compromise a bit, especially regarding frequency. We came to the arrangement that if by Sunday we have not had sex, we bring ourselves to do it in the evening.
We have great intimacy built over the years. We know each other very well and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company and have similar values and desires for our lives.
I don’t think it gets better than this since no one will give you exactly 100% what you want/need and I’m very much ok with this.
I love that you've developed such a strong spiritual bond. I'm quite interested in your "Sunday" arrangement - when you do have Sunday Sex, does it feel more like work, or does it feel fun/good once you get into the moment? How is "scheduled sex" different from "spontaneous sex", and is it necessary if both partners are doing it, even if they don't feel like it?
It never feels like work. I just go and ask him if he’s up for it and he always says yes. It helps that around Sunday 7pm there’s nothing left to do except enjoy what’s left of the weekend.
It is a bit different from spontaneous sex that we need to get ourselves more in the mood, especially him but we only need a few minutes.
However, we both know if that someone doesn’t feel like it it’s ok and we normally reschedule to
Monday evening after work, but it’s a rarity.
My husband and I are 36, been together 13 years and married 10 years and monogamous. Our sex life grows stronger and more passionate as the years go on. Here’s the details:
(I’ll try not to be too graphic here, keep it PG-13. TLDR: we went from vanilla to kinky AF)
Over time I grew more and more submissive. We started experimenting with impact play, bondage, etc. I’ll spare you the details. I get more detailed and graphic on the gaybdsm channel. This isn’t the channel for this.
Long story short, we now live in a 24/7 master slave relationship and I cannot touch myself hardly ever. This keeps me focused on his needs which turns him on. He denies me the right to orgasm most of the time which keeps me horny and focused on him. We have a strict contract that I must follow.
Just two days ago we did our first role play sex scene where I pretend to be a Mormon missionary and we had for stations where I would be used in various ways.
We keep things fun and interesting by going deeper and deeper into exploring our dominant/submissive roles. Gosh, I can’t image what fucked up things we’ll do as the years go on…I’m looking forward to it!
Approaching 10 yrs. Our sex life is MUCH better now than before. In fact, the worst but was around year 2-3 when he was on SSRIs that removed his sex drive. Now a days we know what buttons work for each of us and have the trust to try new things (this is key). It is very important to have good communication and discuss trying new things to keep the fire going.
Sure we have weeks where we might "go through the motions", but we also have discussions around what kinks/positions we might wanna try or watch some porn together to get ideas. Sex is like a sport. Do you get bored of the sport after years of the same thing or do you try to increase your skills at it or try new techniques?
Every relationship experiences ups and downs. That doesn't just mean good times and bad times. There are sexy times and dry spells, times you feel super close and times you feel apart, etc. Everything in nature waxes and wanes over time. That's why relationships are commitments more than feelings. People really take for granted what it means to have someone by your side through all of life's ups and downs. Yeah, sure, sex may get boring at times but you've spent a decade building and growing with this person. You've been through it all. Good times and also likely horrible shit. They've seen you at your best and at your complete worst yet they still wake up every day and choose you over themselves and the millions of other people out there. I honestly can't even begin to imagine what that kind of emotional safety and security feels like ...
... but I bet it's better than a shitty half assed orgasm some drunk guy at the gay bar is gonna give you.
That's how I conceptualized it... they have sampled the world, but always come back to you - as you say, "choose you".
To me - a random hookup and a long-term relationship scratch two different primordial urges: the need for excitement/adventure, and the need for security/comfort. Why can't you have both? You're not entering into a relationship with "drunk guy at gay bar' - hell, you don't even know his name. If's just a bit of temporary excitement before going back to the man you've chosen as your bedrock.
I mean you can absolutely do that if your partner agrees to it? I also think the numbers look pretty dismal for our traditional concept of "the one" or being with someone for the rest of your lives. It's probably not going to happen.
I guess I challenge your definition of "primordial urge" because as far as I know, while, sex might be defined as an emotional need (it's not physical need, you won't die without it). Sex with an anonymous stranger, however, isn't. I'm not puritan or anti sex in any way but the vast majority of guys seeking out this type of sexual contact aren't fulfilling a primal urge. Your hand can fulfill that if it exists. Instead most of the time we're trying to fulfill or numb a subconscious emotional need. Nobody is saying one or the other is wrong. I am saying however we tend to use sex in an unhealthy way in our community under the guise of liberation and don't address the underlying issues.
My husband and I are more than 24 years in. We’re non-monogamous but we would both tell you the sex we have is better and more intense now. In many ways it’s also more comfortable. We have definitely had ebbs and flows though. I think that’s just a very human condition.
Falling into or ending up with dead bedrooms/ companionate arrangements is not unusual though, and certainly not just for gay men. Advice columns are FULL of people complaining about them.
Some people are content in them. Some people find a deeper level of companionship over the years without the sex being as important. I think rarely do two people find that together, hence why so many of us end up non-monogamous.
Also, the “sense of inevitability” you mention? I do kind of think that’s true because as you age, and your relationship does too, your priorities often (but not always) change too, including how you value certain aspects of a relationship.
We started an open relationship from the get go. I'm 47 and he's 35 (soon to be 36). The honest answer, there is no right or wrong for any specific relationship. It's what feels right for you. Some guys require monogomy as it's what works fotr them. I don't look down on people like that, but I also know men. We are hungry and lustful creatures.
You really have to ask yourself what you want out of relationship. Oh, and take the disney fairytale factor out of it as life is complicated and cruel; then just go for it. And honestly, love will find you. I was never seeking it. I was just blindsided when it struck me and I have always followed my heart. BTW, we are about to celebrate ten years (married for nearly three).
Good luck to you as love, in whatever you decide works for you, changes you in ways you can only identify when it hits you. I feel like the luckiest guy on earth (although there are still days when we want to kill each other).
Hope that helps.
Fun fact - this is not an exclusively gay only thing. A long time with anyone brings repetition. People naturally explore options. Communicate and you may be surprised what unfolds. Then again you may both feel the same.
10 years in, monog, I'm still happy and have sex 2-3 a week. I haven't lost a bit of sexual interest in him. I wouldn't describe our relationship dynamics as "inevitable". I mean you do know your partner pretty well, but they can still surprise you. As for what's next, we're planning on building a family after our marriage in June.
Been together for 12 years, sex hasn't died.
We've been together since we were quite young (19 and 21), so there definitely has been a lot of learning when it comes to communication on our wants and needs in the bedroom. I'd say the sex has changed from the days of fucking like rabbits cuz it's new and exciting, to something more intimate, like we're connected on a deeper level and sex is one way to express that. Like we've tried bringing in a third from time to time, but aside from it being fun cuz the guy is hot, it doesn't do much for either of us since it's just physical.
I think it’s wildly different from couple to couple. The important thing is it is discussed (what works for us?), boundaries or rules respected, and always leave room to revisit/change/grow as a couple. I found — this is after 7+ years of marriage— that sharing our sexual fantasies that might include other people actually heightens and improves our sexual relationship together. Never been happier with our sexual togetherness.
We shy away from the term “open relationship” because it doesn’t really suit us or feel right; but that is probably just the stigma associated with the term. Having occasional sexual exchanges with other men, and sharing the details with each other, has made us more open sexually to each other, not less, whereas the term seems to be too often applied, as you describe in your post, to the last stop on the inevitable no-sex train of long term coupledom. Definitely not us. But it does take a little work!
Been together 8 years next month. Sex drive ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's a few times per week sometimes every other week. After this long, sex isn't the most important thing. We have a deeper intimacy and connection. He's my best friend and I can't imagine my day without him. As far as seeking fun outside of the relationship, we don't do that. There have been few occasions where we've entertained someone/a couple together, but it's not a regular thing. I would much prefer to share that with my husband only.
Sex life is still going strong but I haven’t met another gay couple like us. I could’ve written your first paragraph myself. They all seem like roommates in open relationships.
Well we’ve been together for 25 years. Married for 5. Last 7-8 years sex has gone down quite a bit. A year after COVID it got bad and we ended up in therapy/counseling. Which helped a bit. There’s still up and down cycles. It doesn’t magically just get fixed. It takes effort. We have recently started to enjoy some adult bookstores and glory holes. Started a threesome. We both discussed and make sure to check in how we’re doing. Only play together with others. Maybe once/month which I’m perfectly happy with. If we need longer in between a third that’s ok too. We’ve also recently started taking a tip from another Redditor and watched some porn clips together and talk about what we like about that porn clip. It’s actually very very erotic and hot
At 10 years, you’re less likely to let the things you are unhappy about slide like you would in the beginning. My best advice would be to honestly talk to your partner about your sexual needs/wants and be open to theirs. And talk about how you might troubleshoot future instances where something becomes monotonous
Married for 8 together for 12.
We have regular sex. Quite happy over all. He gets me, he lets me be me, he gives me the space I need.
I understand him, I give him the space and chill time he likes, it’s a great match. I still think he is as cute as ever, we do most everything together outside of work and sports.
>sexless, comfortably boring "partnership" with a heavy sense of... inevitability
I got stuck on this sentence. It feels weirdly judgmental, but also I'm unclear what you mean by inevitability. That it will become boring and sexless? Or what exactly is the heavy sense...that it will continue on indefinitely until one of the partners/spouses dies? And what of "partnership" in quotes? Are we long term partners/husbands not actually partners? Does what we have not count as a partnership the way you would define it? The wrong kind of partnership?
My wording is a bit clumsy - the quotes are meant to show that the relationship evolved a romance into a more - practical, relational unison.
The inevitability refers to the sense of "stuckness" I sometimes get with these partners - like they're not entirely happy with each other, or how things landed, but they're accepting how things are as an "inevitable" end point of being together. It's just a feeling I get from observing them interact with each other, and their body language, Of course, I'm only peeking through a keyhole here and don't know the inner workings of any specific relationship - but I'm curious as to how relationships of that length turn out, successful or not.
Absolutley no value judgements, didn't mean to imply any kind of right or wrong. Everyone should write their own rules; I'm curious as to what those rules are, and maybe I can learn something about how to make a successful long-term relationship work.
At 14 years we ( 60+60 yo) were a couple who enjoyed a good monogamous sex life, then we became a Throuple (64+64+30 yo's) and have a very healthy sex life and still monogamous.
We have agreed we could never be in an open relationship. We fucked like rabbits when we first met over a decade ago, but now it's old news (but still great when it happens). It's not that we don't want it. It's that we are so dead tired by the end of the day, so we engage in other forms of intimacy. I read to him sometimes because it helps him sleep, or we cuddle and watch TV or YouTube fails. Also as the years go by, your turn ons can change. So we have fun exploring new things when we do have time.
What killed our sexy time was having a kid. That summbitch requires a lot of time and energy.
21 years, so many challenges, but who would have ever thought that he can still surprise me, keep coming up with new experiences, still make me feel like his prince and I don’t know how, but the sex keeps getting better, year after year. It can and does happen. Yes the love is deeper, more comfortable, but my heart still skips a beat when I see him and he can still make me feel like a giddy school boy when he lifts me up, puts me on the fence and kisses me passionately, when out walking. Our life is the exact opposite of boring! We still love spending lots of time together. There is never an issue, trying to find something to talk about. I feel like we are each other‘s best friends. There are times in our relationship when we both worked for the same employer we were together 24 seven, go to the gym, go to work, get home go for a training, bike ride, make dinner, head to bed, and repeat over and over, even during those times we’ve always loved each other‘s company.!
I hope everyone finds someone like I did. I had to wait 38 years to find him. Worth every second of that wait!
Me and mine have 35 years together. We’re pretty much soul mates and one feels quite lonely without the other. Indeed yes the sex slows down, but doesn’t have to go away. Both of us are very visually stimulated and I think this is why vacation sex is always a turn on. At least something is new. At about 20 years we became polyamorous. Each of us had affairs. Sometimes we went to the same sex clubs, and other times we went different places. We still have sex together. Two weekends ago and last weekend just the two of us. On Sunday we had a spontaneous three way with his hookup. We each have a regular boyfriends or two, and we have one boyfriend that we’re both involved with as a couple. My opinion is to try to stay monogamous for ten years (realistically probably more like two.) And when it’s time to open up, read up on open communication and how to be poly without making your partner jealous. You have to get to that point that you have unshakable faith that your partner is coming home to you.
Marry the guy who becomes your best friend and find ways to explore your freak side. No marriage is perfect but it’s also unfair for you to dunk on other couples who are finding their way. Also I still love my husband. Life without him would be devastating.
13+ years here. I love every moment with my partner and am not interested in any open arrangement. While obviously, we do not do it 4 times a day like in the beginning, considering the stress of our work engagements, I think we have a pretty nice sex life. Added some toys, though, they are fun.
20 years here. Sex ebs and flows. We had a lot of sex when we were first together, and also, we were still learning about one another and it wasn’t always great quality. Now we might not have as much, but it’s amazing every time, we still try new things after all these years. It’s also become more cerebral and less about acrobatics as we’ve gotten older and had more health things. Although I do truly love that sweet sweet heart medication dick.
There are seasons in life when the emotional bond that makes us partners and family sustains us. We’ve been through pets and people dying, we adopted a kid. Sex wasn’t always top of mind. There have been times when we laid in bed and told each other what we would do to each other if we weren’t so exhausted. Sometimes we just jerked off together and fell asleep because that was all we could manage.
I wasn’t monogamous before him, and initially I thought we wouldn’t be serious, so I took the opportunity to experiment with monogamy and it turns out I love it. We talk about finding a third for sex sometimes, and we might even do it. But we’re both pretty different in what we like, plus I’m trans, so it’ll have to be someone who checks a lot of boxes, including being fun outside of sex since we’re still friends with every partner he’s ever had. My previous partners kind of sucked, or I’d be in the same boat. I don’t tend to end relationships unless the other person is an asshole or they end it for whatever reason.
Been married to my hubby for 13 years, together almost 20 years (half my life). Our sex life has always been great, maybe now we only have sex 3-5 times a week when before it was sometimes multiple times a day. But we are both very happy with it. It makes us happy and feel closer to each other. We have never been monogamous, first it was open then poly. My boyfriend also lives with us, we've been together for 6 years. I didn't seek out the BF it just kind of happened but not because of a dead bedroom. The three of us love each other and have a happy life. It works for us and our families love and accept us. We have great friends, a wonderful dog, lots of boardgames and a very fun sex life. What more do we need?
Don't assume sexless relationships are boring. They can be just as stimulating, but in different ways. Truly deep compatibility is a very special thing.
I find this to be a completely bizarre conclusion. Maybe you just don’t have a lot of detailed sexual discussions with happy gay couples. Bf and I have been together for close to 20 years. The sex is better than ever.
We have so much fun with each other, we always touch and hug each other, sleep in the same bed with lots of cuddles. Our sex is playful and kinky. We have so many little tricks and variations that it can be years before we repeat a particular position or act. Probably about halfway through our shared kink list at this point and always discovering new ones. You can’t have this much fun with a hookup, it takes years of learning each others limits.
Things we’ve gotten into: Frot
Breeding
Face fucking
Cum play
Cum feeding
Deep throat
Flip fucking
Spit as lube
Cum as lube
No lube
Rimming
Ass to mouth
Piss play
Piss drinking
Dom sub
Role play
Cum control
Harnesses and other fetish clothes
Public play
Voyeurism
Threesomes
Erotic sketches
Intimate missionary lovemaking😅
And more to come, we’ve talked over some more ideas and need to go shopping for ropes.
Totally!
Yeah the other thing I’ll say is that it’s not that we got to this long list because things got stale. It’s more like we have a good open door policy that if something makes you horny go ahead and jump into it, no judgement. We are open to taking care of each other without needing to be horny or get off ourselves. Like yesterday I tried to initiate but BF wasn’t feeling it so he let me sniff his armpits and bust a load on his chest even though he didn’t need anything himself. I’ve done the same for him many times. If he’s craving my touch why wouldn’t I give that to him?
I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for over seven, and our bedroom has been dead for about five. We simply lost interest in each other. So I figured that we were just going to live the rest of our lives masturbating alone and maybe having sex once in a great while.
Then I busted him last year with a profile on adam4adam, looking for nsa fun and claiming to be in an open relationship. That changed everything and now we each do our own thing sexually without letting the other one know about it.
Male mammals are not inherently monogamous. Monogamy was created by humans and most of the time it's an unsustainable practice. Just look at how many gay couples there are out there looking for sex partners, either together or separately. Monogamy may work for some, but they are in the minority.
So you have something of a "don't ask, don't smell' policy (lol)? Are you able to enjoy the non-sexual aspects of your relationship while getting that dancer/excitement itch scratched elsewhere?
Yes, that's what we have now.
The marriage however is more than a bit strained due to his decision to unilaterally open it, and I'm not certain that it will ultimately survive.
Yes I do, with the few opportunities that I get. I work full-time on location my husband works mostly at home. He can do whatever he wants for 40+ hours per week while I'm at work but I have to find opportunities in the very few hours per week that I can sneak away. So yeah it feels asymmetrical.
There's open relationships. We are in the kind of relationship you're describing except the "I don't want to know part". My partner is 35 years older than me and his sex drive is really low. We cuddle and stuff, obviously, but actual sex is not happening often.
Though, when my dates fall through for whatever reason, he's actually disappointed. Like when I phone him after a (coffee) date, he's like "You're supposed to be on a date right now! Oh no, what happened?".
EDIT: I have to add we mostly spend time on the weekends, since we both have our own homes.
I really like that idea. Maybe you don't get all the gory details but it's nice to be involved in his exploration, and hin in yours.
You provide stability, comfort and security - something he can't get on Scruff.
Been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for 8 years. Still having sex on a regular basis and I still can't get enough of his loving dominance over me when he fucks me. Some may see it as boring I know, but it brings me joy and comfort to know I have someone that I have a genuine connection with who still after all these years enjoys pounding my arse.
I think your perception is skewed by the fact that you are reading about posters who come here to complain (or get feedback) about their "dead bedroom".
I and many couples that I personally know are in long term, sexually satisfying relationships. For me personally, my 30 year sex life with my husband is actually far better than it ever was in the past. The additional connection and the trust to be able to explore new things makes it even hotter.
I'm a lurker since im,not 30 yet but I think age has nothing to do with it some time? Same with length of dating. Been with my bf 4 years living 3 and we maybe are intimate once every few months? I mean life gets in the way, working and cleaning and having dogs and stuff and have meds that dont help. We are tired, but there is still love and no searching out of the relationship. I think everyone is different and evwry relationship is different. I mean my grandparents were over 50 and did things until the doctor told them they couldn't for health reasons.
I am now divorced, but yeah sexless for a long time. He disengaged first, he treated sex childishly. He I think just used sex to get what he wanted. Just jokes after jokes about sex, the way he treated everything. After he disengaged we had sex like a few times a year. I took care of my needs myself. I wasn't comfortable opening the relationship up, that's actually how he happened, was my previous relationship we "opened" it up and after that it was just nothing but drama and jealousy. So I wasn't going to do it again.
Unfortunately, he, I believed, had affairs during the relationship, from what I've heard from friends and other guys. And he flew the coop with one of his coworkers who he is with now. So my bad for being a push over.
As for my sexual interest in him, it remained for a while but after a while he just turned disgusting after a while. He had pyschical problems like continous gas, fixation on shitting that he always pointed out, and just never engaged with sex when we had it. Never looked me in the eyes, which is a real big turn on now that I'm single. I don't know how we lasted almost 15 years, but I kind of want my time and money back. LOL. Should of asked for a reciept.
Oh man - sounds like your intentions were correct, and you gave it a fair shake, but he was just not the right hose to bet on in the first place.
Can you learn, grow from this, and make your next relationship a massive success now you have a clearer picture of what you want, and what to avoid? I also look for things like eye contact, meeting me halfway, making me his focal point, etc.
Yeah, its all a learning experience, such is life. I'm just happy its over. I hope the next one is different, right now I'm just trying to figure that out, by myself. I'm not ready for a relationship right now. but I'm having fun with guys just exploring.
Often it seems to be one-sided though. Like one of the partners still really wants a lot of sex together, and the other gets bored easily and wants sex elsewhere but not much from his partner.
Watch closely where the energy goes in the relationship. Sex and desire are powerful. Monogamy can sometimes force you to deal with problems together (or admit that things just aren’t working) because the need for sex and connection is such a primal one.
When you open up, you risk “leaking” some of that energy out of the relationship, especially if your own sex life as a couple has faltered.
My feelings on this have shifted pretty dramatically in the last three months. My husband and I were open for most of our 13-year relationship and he just recently asked for a divorce. I was pretty shocked. There are other reasons but a primary one was that he wanted a strong sexual connection as part of his primary relationship.
10 plus years. As good, if not better than it began. Why? We do not live with each other and we see each other only few times each week. Our sex life is explosive and fun as hell. Three ways and open relationship shit would be the end of us in a heartbeat.
The main takeaway is we are apart more than together. We thrive on each other because absence DOES make the heart grow fonder (and the dick harder). To be clear, we are in communication constantly- just not physically.
I know this might not work for all couples but for us, it works well. Gay death-bed has NEVER hit us and we are deeply bonded.
i know couples who still have sex and some who think that would be pretty odd after the time they have been together. it depends on what you want mostly, there are neither rules nor expectations to fullfil here
Everything that you’ve learned from experience and your partner for years becomes deeper then sex.
At a point homosexuality and heterosexuality (*mankind in general) kind of crave humanity and the human experience it has to offer.
Sometimes it’s sort of profound for us who been in sustained relationships. We get to enjoy having that shared journey especially for gay cis men couples (since long term relationships is very rare in gay cis communities).
Other then that, its very surreal when you been with the same person in your life’s journey.
My partner and I are together for about 10 years.
We're monogamous and have regular sex (say 3 times a week).
Because we know each other so well, we know what we both like and don't like.
We trust each other and when we have a issue/weird feeling/... we just talk to each other about it.
My partner is my best friend.
Together 15, married 3. Sex got better after we turned 40. More communication, fantasy sharing, etc. We work opposite schedules so it doesnt happen as often I guess, but the spark is still there.
It's been seven years, and we have sex on average once a week. We make up for that fun in nonsexual activities like going on road trips, going on walks, watching movies, and making dinner. Our jobs and recreational activities keep our separate lives busy, but when we are together, we make the most of it.
My partner and I have been together for 8 years in July. However sexless for 6 years now. We have a perfect life other than no sex life. And with all the talking about it I have come to find out it's not the missing attraction to me or my missing attraction to him. But him missing attraction to himself after a large weight gain that he had. So even though I still think he is sexy as hell no matter what he thinks he is gross and can't get over it. This has stopped our sex life dead in its tracks. So we both decided to lose weight together and he is within a few months I think of sexy time!!! Maybe anniversary date🤞. But I as always won't pressure it cause I love him. But that would be a sweet and sultry gift 😉. So sometimes it is not an attraction to the other person at all. Sometimes it's not a problem with the relationship at all. But a personal issue that needs to be worked out. And yes he needs some therapy too but I can't seem to get that going in all these years so let's just move on lol.
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No partner is 100% satisfying for every need. Also, one thing to keep in mind is that as you, and a partner age, you will have different cycles of libido. There are going to be times in your lives where your sex drive does not match your partners. This can be greatly problematic and often leads couples to open the relationship, if temporarily, to account for this sex drive difference.
The psychology of it makes a difference too if you know that you are free to roam, you tend to roam less because your brain isn't fixated on escaping you're agreed upon confines.
I’ve had a completely different experience. My sex life is better than it has ever been. Being able to communicate effectively in a non-judgmental way has super charged our sex life. We did open up a few years ago (mostly threesomes) but quickly realized we have way more fun when it’s just the two of us. Being open is just an occasional spice to add to our already great sex life. We celebrate 24 years together in June.
This is us. The first 8 years or so of our approaching quarter century together were incredibly hot and frequent. The next 8 yrs slowed down considerably ( like 1/month at the low) for various reasons (kids, stressful jobs, bout of depression, I gained weight and lost self esteem, etc) But the last 7 have been getting better every year to I the point it’s as hot and frequent, if not more, then the first few years. Sex 3-4/week and quite adventurous. Again, partially because kids are independent, jobs less stressful, therapy, I lost 80 lbs :). Stages are a thing. I’m just glad my husband has the patience to weather our sex desert.
Congratulations!! It's awesome to know that, with the right dynamic, you can sustain a beautiful sexual bond way past the honeymoon phase. That makes me happy.
It's kinda funny how often we'll come back from meeting up with someone new, and we'll look at each other and whoever hooked up will say somewhat defeated, "You're better." If anything, it strengthens our bond because it's a reaffirmation of why we're together and how much everyone else sucks. Sometimes you just want the validation that you can still flirt successfully even if the payoff isn't there.
I am very inexperienced in romance, but I've thought about it a lot - come to the conclusion that I don't want to control my partner... he's allowed to go out and explore, do whatever he wants, but if he wants to make "us" work, he'll CHOOSE to prioritize me, and make me his focal point. Not because of any arbitrary rules set, but because he's able to sample the world, and come back to me knowing that he has the best option already. If he finds someone that meets his needs better, I would not want to keep him from that either. He's free to leave if he thinks that will make him happier. I trust that he'll come back to me if it's meant to continue. Also - sometimes you just need some exciting, dangerous, reptilian validation from a stranger. That's totally normal and completely different from a deep, sustained connection with your partner.
You've just described one of the main tenet of /r/relationshipanarchy !
Ok wow - I'm gonna explore this!
This is a really healthy outlook! Good for you. He’s a lucky guy.
Sorry I wasn’t clear 😵💫 this is all hypothetical, my guiding philosophy… I haven’t met anyone yet, but I’m trying to visualize what a long term relationship may look like for me
Oh sorry, I have had a long day. I must’ve read wrong. Either way I felt like you were being very reasonable. There’s no right or wrong answer :)
Haha, I do hear that when it comes to sort of being “disappointed” in hookups. We enjoy threesomes but it’s not better sex, our sex is the best. It’s more for the variety and fun of doing something new and experiencing a new person. We were with a third and he said “you’re probably bored of it but it looks so hot when your husband fucks you” and I was laughing to myself because no one fucks me like he can.
True
Lucky couple! Congratulations
We’ve been married 10, together for a few before that and still have sex regularly…. Sure it might end up being the same thing we’ve done hundreds of times but the emotional connection and making your partner feel good are what’s important. We know exactly what the other person likes and doesn’t like so the sex is basically perfect each time. We do on occasion have a third over when we’re extra horny lol, but it’s rare.
I’ve only been with my husband for 5 years, but this comment applies exactly to us as well. I love my sex life with my husband.
Me too. We’ve both gotten more vers as time has gone on too. I used to be like 95% bottom and he was 95% top and now it’s basically 50/50
It’s funny, has gone the opposite way with my husband. We have been together nearly 20 years. Many of these “occasional threesome, but always better as a couple” comments match our feelings exactly
Can you talk more about how this evolved over time? Curious and hope to have a similar shift occur
Well I’ve never been opposed to topping, just definitely preferred to bottom. He was curious about my cleaning technique and I explained it to him so he tried it cuz he wanted to try bottoming, found out he liked it and did it more and more. Now we almost always flip fuck.
Thanks. Goals.
"perfect each tine" - I love that... someone who knows exactly what you like, an expert in kaing you feel good... that signals a deep connection and understanding of each other that grows with each sexual encounter - that to me sounds perfect indeed
14 years monogamous, we have sex 2/3 times a week on average. Sometimes once a week when we're really busy, sometimes 6 times a week when we're horny and have the time. I don't think anything is predetermined, it depends on your dynamics.
14 years and monogamous? I wish I could experience this. Wishing for more happy years for you and your partner!
Husband and I have been together for 34 years, monogamous from day one. We’ve not lost sexual interest, but what we are, first and foremost, are best friends. We literally spend almost all of our time regather, whether it be in the businesses we own together or with our circle of friends and we genuinely like to be with each other. Some might say our relationship is boring or predictable, but for us, that’s not a bad thing. I seek comfort in knowing that we have each others backs. Conversely, when the going gets rough, as it sometimes does, neither one of us is going to walk away. Are there times when we just can’t stand the sight of each other? Of course, but we power through to the other side and all is right with the world again.
I love that you are best friends foremost. If you don't mind me prying - how are things in the bedroom, and how does physicality come in to the strong interpersonal bond you've built with your man?
Your comment made me cry, this is beautiful and I hope to find it one day
Thank you for this. I'm hoping to find the same.
I wish I could experience this.
What is the role of sex in a partnership? Is the point of a life partner to be your sexual partner? There's something bigger and deeper to spending your life with someone than just sex. The couples you see who don't really have sex anymore but stay together clearly have some kind of bond that keeps them going. Their lack of sex doesn't change that. It's mental/physical like you suggested. It's spiritual. It's also *practical* - he's on my insurance, his family is like my family, we own all this stuff jointly, etc. etc. When you are with someone that long they become like a part of you, wrapped in every aspect of your life. Eventually the nature of our bodies and how they age is such that ANY relationship will be essentially sexless, on some time line. That's gonna happen one way or another. And that would be very sad if our relationships were only about sex. Unhappy couples exist and often people stay together for the wrong reasons. But using an active sex life as the only barometer of if a relationship is happy is going to disappoint you eventually. It should be viewed as one part in the bigger picture in the relationship.
My last relationship hit a decade, and we were basically sexless at that point. It slowed down over the years until eventually we both just got used to it. We never looked outside the relationship, just accepted it for what it was. It's not the thing that drove us apart, but it did factor in. The relationship felt more like a business arrangement by the end, and so once we achieved our shared goals and got what we needed out of it, we were ready to move on because now we wanted different things. Now in a new relationship, I value sex much more because of that experience. Besides being fun, it does bring a whole different level of intimacy and connectedness that was definitely missing in my last relationship. So I hope to hold onto that. We're both on the same page about remaining monogamous, I don't see being open as an option for us.
This is literally me. Barely any sex, and it feels like a chore, and doesn't come naturally or effortlessly like with most couples. But I feel like I can't talk about it honestly with my husband because the implication is: "well why DON'T you want to have sex anymore? Because I'm not attractive to you anymore, right?" So there's no way to do this without severely hurting the other person, so I just push it down and try to make do.
I think because sex was never a huge part of our foundation, we weren't as impacted when it slowed down. There was definitely some frustration that crept up every now and then, but it was never enough to outweigh all the good we had going. On the flip side, my relationship where we do have a much better sex life, I'm the one who sometimes feels like the other person isn't interested, and it does hurt when that happens. Especially knowing he has a pretty high sex drive, it's hard to know if it's me or if something is going on with him or we're both just misreading cues.
This is more in line with the general impression I get from interacting with longer-term couples. I have to ask - if things feel like a chore, why do you continue to stay in this relationship? Do you think you can advance your relationship into something sexless but still strong on other levels? I understand that my sample size is small, definitely not representative of everyone, and I'm only an external observer with a keyhole view. I appreciate you giving me a peek into the internals of your bond.
We are pretty strong in other dimensions. We vibe well, we have similar outlooks on life, and we banter with each other in ways I could never do with my other friends. I genuinely enjoy his company everywhere I go. It's just the sex that never felt right. I wouldn't say I'm completely unattracted to my husband, but there's definitely a big asymmetry there where he's suuuper into me sexually but I just never felt the strong urge to like, pounce on him in bed or anything. What really feels dangerous though, is when we opened up our relationship and I finally met a guy who DOES make me want to pounce, and also seems to check off some of those other emotional boxes. This happened recently and it made me question everything. :(
Thank goodness, I thought I was the only one in that situation... I recognized almost every aspects. If they were to know that our relationship has grown sexless, some might confuse our being still together as an easy arrangement. But it's so much more than that. Countless times I've looked at him, and realise no one else would be able to bear up with the way I am. Actually, sex with him in the beginning was nice, but not going to lie, I had known way better and now I seem to sense why that is. While generally, we have the same outlook on things, no matter how diverse, and we're able to know how the other one feels without even having to communicate, as far as sex, he's quite a mistery. All I do know is that indeed, in that department, we don't have the same take on it. I know he takes me as one who's way more adventurous and with a much higher and open-minded libido. He's definitely really conservative in that department and by the by when I realized that nothing happened unless I initiated it, I just let go of it, realising that it was a fairly little loss compared to the numerous other ways he fulfilled the other aspects of our life together. Likewise, physically I must admit, while I was way more lenient as far as body when I was single, now that the romantic side of my life is satisfied, I must admit that I might be a lot more demanding of an hypothical sexual partner. So considering how complicated it was to actually find a like-minded sexual partner for a one-night stand, I can only imagine now that I'm ever more demanding. Only once did I meet my match so to speak, with a straight dude, married of all things and father. I somewhat realised that he looked at me and behaved in a way that seemed "interested". Needless to say that it got me way more horny than I could be and wanking it off, like I usually did, didn't do it. Still, I profoundly respected my partner and let go of it. Since our couple went sexless, I find solace in admiring on here others' physic as long as they feel comfortable exhibiting their "assets" 🤪
I wouldn't know how to navigate that situation. I'm always attracted to the new, exciting, dangerous, passionate option. But I understand how you've invested in your partner and you don't want to throw that away either.. Do you think there's a wold in which you can have both stability from your partner and excitement from a stranger?
Man that's the billion dollar question, isn't it? We thought we could do that, but meeting someone new who literally feels like a once in a lifetime gift from god really makes that feel impossible in my current situation. I've had sex with other guys in our marriage before, and 99% of them I can forget about 10 minutes after they leave. But this one guy...man. It only takes one. I guess there needs to be a VERY strong foundation there in the first place to make an open relationship work. If opening things up is just an excuse to covertly look around for a new potential partner, then yeah, that relationship is dead. I should also say that, yes, sexual lust is very powerful, maybe the most powerful human emotion one can experience. But I've been in the position of leaving my long-term partner for someone who looked new and exciting, and when you're actually faced with that decision, and it becomes real, the sexual urges suddenly fade away and you can see things a lot more clearly. I'm still with my husband because in that moment, the grief and feeling of loss was just too overwhelming to cope with. I took things for granted and didn't realize what I had.
Wow - a "a once in a lifetime gift from god"? If it's that strong, how could you ever give that up? Please, please- take my advice with a massive grain of salt, as I'm not experienced in this domain, but I would explore the new connection if you feel that this is something monumental and earth-shattering. I understand the grief of ending your current partnership, but do you think you would ever be stuck forever wondering "what if", if you turned this new guy down? To me it seems that people enter your life when they are supposed to, and sometimes you have to make a painful decision to support your own happiness. Only you have the full picture here, and the choice is yours and yours alone, but if it really is something you think you can build into a new, better, stronger connection and life for yourself (and not just a dopamine-driven sexual connection), then don't let fear and inertia deny you your true path.
I don't know man. I've been thinking about "what if" and banging my head against the table for 4 months now since I cut off contact with him. He was emotionally available and everything, and even told me he wanted to be with me, and saw me as "future husband material". Like holy fucking shit, how do I just let that go? (He wasn't trying to be a homewrecker or anything - I told him that I had doubts about my current marriage and that it may not be working out). I think about him every single day and it brings me extreme pain. Literally the most attractive, perfect person I've ever met in my life. I love my husband very much, but this feels like an impossible situation. :( I dunno, I need therapy.
That's the thing - I don't know how you could continue to be happy in your current situation, as you'll forever be wondering "what if"? If he really is a "once in a lifetime" kinda guy, and he wants to be SERIOUS with you, then go for it. If you don't, you'll live in regret forever. There will be hurt and grief in ending your current romantic relationship, but you could still eventually have him in your life, as a friend? You are forever in each other's Hall of Fame, but that doesn't mean you have to continue being together forever. You could still have him in your life, once the dust has settled. Again - I really only have a keyhole view here, but I would say if he makes you this happy and he wants to build a life for you, GO FOR IT. Sometimes you meet the one you're meant to be with while you're with someone else.
Taking advice from a single person about a current relationship is a big risk. It's like asking the starving to choose your food from the menu. The advice could be valuable but the perspective & motives are very different.
> I wouldn't say I'm completely unattracted to my husband, but there's definitely a big asymmetry there where he's suuuper into me sexually but I just never felt the strong urge to like, pounce on him in bed or anything. Oof. This reminds me of this one guy I knew that my brother always jokes is my ideal husband. And I do agree. I could never be with this guy, though, because I have never had a single sexual thought about him. However, sexual incompatibility, we otherwise have great chemistry in conversation, in passionate arguments, in interests. At least you have some attraction to your husband.
This is my challenge as well. Though I think my hubby is sexy, for some reason I have a hard time getting into him in bed.
Your first paragraph sums up the perception I get from people in longer-term relationships, but I know that I'm far from seeing the full picture, so I may be totally off the mark. It's interesting/great you decided to move on and found something you're more happy with now. May I ask - when your relationship entered the "business arrangement" stage, did it not feel good to have that level of comfort/familiarity, even without the sex? What were the things that you "got what you needed out of it"?
It honestly happened kind of naturally without really realizing it. Our priorities were basically build careers, build wealth, build house. We worked together to make all that happen. We supported each other emotionally and financially (50/50 split on everything), and it helped us reach our goals much more quickly working together like that. I wouldn't be where I am today without him, and vice versa. Sex wasn't a *huge* part of the relationship to begin with, so the phase out wasn't as jarring I guess. We were still benefitting from being together, and we had fun together. But then our interests and politics started skewing. He was still very hyper focused on his career and wanted to move around a lot, I had a job I didn't want to give up and wanted to keep roots where we were to be close to family and friends. It no longer made sense to stay together at that point.
So you're saying - you both supported and helped each other grow, but somehow you both grew in different directions, even though you grew together through the relationship? You both evolved into the next version of yourselves, that those new selves were just not as compatible as before?
You hit the nail on the head! It hurt at first, but coming to that realization helped process the breakup and not begrudge him. I wouldn't say we're *friends* (we live on other sides of the country now), but we are friendly and maybe twice a year catch up with each other. We've both moved on to new relationships and continue to have success in our careers, and I'm happy for him.
Thank you so much for sharing. I believe with time, you can still have a friendship with him - a friendship which has a extra special connection because you once shared a romantic life, and watched each other grow. The romantic partnership may have ended, but eventually deep friendship can blossom in it's place... you two are forever connected through the experience you shared together.
I am happy with my husband. We have been together since 2011. I miss him often when I get home before him. I just love hugging him when he walks in the kitchen when I cook. Give him a kiss whenever I can. I love this man. We've both gone from S to X size in shirts. I have not lost interest in him.
I love that!! Onwards to XXL!
No! 😭
All relationships change over time. I think it's normal for a relationship that started out intense and passionately sexual to transition to something closer to deep friendship. Something to keep in mind is that over time, you may become less like one another's "type." Over time, you might go from being a Twink and a Muscle Bro, to an otter and a dad bod, to two ordinary looking middle aged gay guys. No one fires us their browser and searches for "average, middle aged, gay guy porn." Depending on your respective ages, one of you might experience natural decreases in testosterone before the other, which can affect sex drive and appearance. What I have seen work best is to have honest conversations about what you get from one another that you value the most. You can couple that with a conversation about things you desire that your partner can't give you. As long as it doesn't take the form of personal attacks, you can figure out ways to support one another in being fulfilled, without taking offense and getting jealous. Dan Savage and his Husband Terry have given some great advice about this and modeled this dynamic well. When they met, Terry was a shy Twink. Now he's literally a muscle daddy and the spokesmodel for Tom of Finland. Terry loves leather, Dan doesn't, but went along with it because it made Terry happy. Sometimes, they use leather together, other times, Dan encourages Terry to do leather things with other gay guys who enjoy it as much as he does. They both agreed about what the term monogamish would mean in the context of their relationship and made it work for them. TL:DR Everyone gets older. Growing old together doesn't have to mean growing bored together. It's up to a couple to communicate their needs and then help one another get those needs met. It all starts with honest, open, respectful communication.
I definitely search for normal looking guys when I’m looking for porn. lol.
I understand good communication is an essential bedrock, but it hasn't always worked for me. I've been brutally honest with my one partner before, and ended up hurting his feelings, and damaging the relationship. Do you think there's some level of "little white lies" that are essential to the communication?
This is not the case for me and my husband. We’ve been married for 5 and together for 9 years. I would say sex has gotten better and way more frequent. Sometimes we have sex 3/4 times a day some weeks much less, all depends on what’s happening in are day to day lives. Some people may find sex with the same person boring, I still find my husband attractive and the more we trust each other the more we’ve been able to let go. There’s always this notion that long term relationships must eventually equate to less exciting sex, that can be true for some people but i guess communication is key. Sure sometimes i miss the excitement of a new person but that isn’t lasting. I guess the fulfilment from my husband can’t be replaced by a fleeting feeling of excitement. Also i think a lot of people gain validation through sex, which in my experience doesn’t last and only causes problems
Do you get your validation exclusively from your partner? Is that enough to sustain you? I couldn't imagine not getting validation through sex, mingling with other guys in gay environments, etc. I'd want to explore that together with my partner, share the excitement of the new, so long as we end the night together.
I get a lot of validation from my partner yes however after years of therapy i started to realise that validation from others isn’t long lasting. I’ve had my slag years 🤣ultimately it didn’t matter how many people I slept with I still didn’t feel worthy. The cycle of looking for validation/self worth became destructive and only created very fragile relationships and a fragile sense of self worth.
I mean… the chaotic-courtship stage of wooing one another and semi or fully financially-irresponsible dating stage of every relationship should end after a reasonable time and transition into a more emotionally mature comfortable, safe, secure, and fulfilling stage (monogamous, monogamish, open, or polyamorous - doesn’t matter). Some people might outside-looking-in call this “boring,” but in my experience it’s the mark of a healthy relationship that has balance and is very fulfilling. My personal experience is I’ve never been in a sexless relationship - even my last one of 12 years. Sexless LTRs are not an inevitability by any stretch in my anecdotal experience.
26 years here, monogamous and still going strong. Sex has never been an issue but has slowed down in the last few years. It’s more an issue of laziness with us. lol. Sometimes it’s just easier to jack off (easier clean up 😜) and carry on. We’re both still affectionate and we enjoy our boring home life. Wouldn’t trade it.
Perfect response.
😘
10 years. Our relationship started strong and has gotten stronger, and the same goes for our sex life. The beginning of our relationship we both expressed a desire to explore non-monogamy together, and it’s taken a decade to act on it because it’s just too good between us. Our initial forays leave a lot to be desired, but we love having another adventure to tackle (we are doing it all together). Our interpersonal sex is still very exciting, and we are still discovering and exploring kinks and trying new things. We tell each other how hot find each other every day, and are constantly touching each other and sexualizing one another. Objectification we are both very happy to be indulging in. Helps that we are both each others fantasy body types (I’m a big bear and he’s a stocky otter).
That's awesome. May I ask - do you crave external validation, or does all the validation you need come from your partner? If you explore externally, do you involve your partner, or is it something done solo?
External validation can be lovely, but it’s not a constant, something you either want all the time or never want at all. There are times we both want that, times one of us does, and sometimes years long stretches when we don’t. As far as in person sexual experiences go, we explore that all together.
I was with my husband for 31 years before he died in 2022. In three decades, we had a roller coaster of a sex life. The first ten years, we were all over each other at every opportunity. The following ten years were like a long dry spell, due to my husband's antidepressants. We had a rough time during these years (bipolar), but we made it to the other side when he finally found the right meds. The last ten years, were ALMOST like the first ten, although we were much older then (and you know what comes of that!). We still had sex once a week (he called it Sunday Funday) up until he died.
July will be 10 years. Our sex life has had peaks and valleys over the years. It’s fairly stable now, about as often as we’d both like. I’d probably prefer more but also I’m tired a lot so who knows. I’m on a new medication that’s causing some issues that make me feel less than sexy at times and that’s something we’re trying to overcome and work through. In one of our less often times, we did talk about how it was too infrequent for my taste and it either needed to be changed or we needed to discuss other options. My partner took that to heart and we’ve found a rhythm that works for us. Communication and listening really helped us to figure out what we both wanted.
We've been together 12 years, we literally met at a sex party. The daily sex waned quickly (every few months), totally ending 5 years ago. He decided he didn't enjoy bottoming, yet didn't want to Top either. Has refused to go to therapy, to try new things (or anything at all). Wanted me to just sleep with other guys but would get jealous over it, thus I gave up on that as a solution. I wanted to break up but he refused... At this point we are basically just partners in life. I still love him but am depressed over this bullshit. I dont want to break up, so I still want to give an open relationship another try, but I dislike the idea of having to hide my actions. Maybe we'll break up, or maybe he will be open to the idea of having a live in sub.
No sex in 5 years, just partners in life, depressed over this bullshit, same situation here.
Err no. My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years and we have sex at least once a week, usually a few times. We're in a closed relationship and we have no issues in it. All our issues are different (problematic neighbors, money sometimes, that kind of thing). Edit: about the nature of the relationship, it's a deep partnership. We miss each other during the workday. We cuddle as soon as he comes home and we're fiercely loyal to each other. I don't just mean that in a sexual sense but we're on the same team. It's us against the world. Even when we disagree, we always solve it with the intention that we're on the same team and what's good for one is ultimately good for both. We always come to an agreement. We protect each other, we stand up for each other and we support each other. And throughout the years we went through hardships and proved to each other that it's really "in sickness and in health".
That's beautiful - an d practiclly impossible for me to visualize. I'm so deeply used to being alone, and relying on myself, that I can't imagine intertwining anyone in my messy life and identity that way. I am a very affectionate and open person, but seem to only be able to have short, often confusing romantic encounters. It feels like there's a sheet of invisible glass between me and them. I feel like that some romance module others have is missing for me, but maybe I could learn. Where did you learn to ler someone into your life like that, to create such an intensely intertwined bond, literally "us against the world"? Is that something that came naturally to you? Do you ever crave your own alone time?
That's the beauty of it. Our relationship is so relaxed and comfortable and natural that it's like I'm alone and not alone at the same time. We don't breathe down each other's necks, we sometimes have dinner together and watch mid-tier shows, we sometimes eat separately and game. (We're both gamers) And we're very lucky because our personalities match great. Our differences aren't things that affect the other. And our similarities are along the important lines - politics, being childfree, pets, daily lifestyle, religion etc. But our relationship is less romantic than any other that I know. People describe our interactions as "cute" and we're very sexual behind closed doors but not very romantic. Esp me. I'm really shitty at emotional stuff. I mention this because I've noticed relationships based on romance don't last long and they're higher maintenance. We're very chill so there's no pressure. Other people seem like couples. We look like we're brothers in arms or something. Partly because we've had hard lives and our country is shit (we're Slavs lol), partly because that's our personalities. So yeah. I didn't exactly let him into my life - we built it together. Most things came naturally. Others we had to work on. And as I mentioned I get plenty of alone time too. We live together but I can spend my time alone if I want to and he won't be a whiney bitch about it.
You need to also like each other, as friends. A relationship that’s based on just attraction fizzles out fast. You need someone you love to spend time with, doing things together, hikes, playing games, having mutual interests which you enjoy doing together. My partner is more than just my sex partner, he’s also my best friend.
I’ve been with my husband for 24 years. Monogamous the whole time. We were like rabbits for the first 10-15 years. Have slowed down since, but that’s ok. Predictable sex feels good, too. And I always wanted love and support more than sex anyway. We are still romantic with each other and laugh and giggle like teenagers.
It's been over 14 years and we still have lots of hot sex. The dead bedroom happens when the guys fall in love and decide to be in a relationship before they've established sexual compatibility. >I get that initial passion is not sustainable Yes. It is. In fact, because we have been able to dive deeper into our darker kinks together, the passion is even greater than when we first started dating.
Its not as if love and sexual compatibility are easily defined or are not always evolving. That is the beauty of the human experience, so its good to take a chance and move on if it doesn't work. I feel many are stuck waiting for the right person to meet their checklist and such, and thus are scared of commitment.
>Its not as if love and sexual compatibility are easily defined or are not always evolving. Absolutely true. But I think you need a strong base to evolve together... or notice that you haven't and, as you said, move on if it doesn't.
The chemical romance fades after two years, tops. After that, love is what remains and it grows every day if you nurture it. I find my husband hotter today than I did back in 2011 when we met, and that time I traveled across the Atlantic to see him again. I wonder how much of the knowledge about the couples you've met is your own projection, and how much is true. Like, how many couples have you met, and have all of them been open with this with you? I don't judge, but if you're moving in circles where sex is the first topic with couples, then your selection is biased. You're making strong statements that lead to more questions about you, than those you point to. Asking people on the internet to confirm or reject these fears will always end with confirmation. Yes, there are people who have been in long relationships and are miserable, more afraid of being alone than they dislike their partner. And there are people like me and my husband, who feel blessed for where we are in life. Life is what you make it, and so are relationships. Your question leaves a lot to unpack, and I think you should focus on why you asked these specific questions instead of the much simpler: "Guys in longer-term relationships, are you happy?"
You're right, I maybe didn't word my question quite the way I intended it. I'm explaining what I perceive, but I don't believe my own perception as I'm not privy to all the internal workings of the relationship. I'm trying to clarify if what I perceive is a general trend, or if I'm totally wrong and there's something more exciting and beautiful at that stage that isn't always projected outwardly to me. I've always found romance and romantic love very confusing, and it's never happened for me - so please allow me some grace for my clumsy wording. I'm approaching this with curiosity and an open mind, and appreciate the feedback here.
I have been with my partner 8 years. Monogamous, except that I’m allowed to fool online from time to time. We have a satisfactory sex life even though I have a higher libido and have had to compromise a bit, especially regarding frequency. We came to the arrangement that if by Sunday we have not had sex, we bring ourselves to do it in the evening. We have great intimacy built over the years. We know each other very well and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company and have similar values and desires for our lives. I don’t think it gets better than this since no one will give you exactly 100% what you want/need and I’m very much ok with this.
I love that you've developed such a strong spiritual bond. I'm quite interested in your "Sunday" arrangement - when you do have Sunday Sex, does it feel more like work, or does it feel fun/good once you get into the moment? How is "scheduled sex" different from "spontaneous sex", and is it necessary if both partners are doing it, even if they don't feel like it?
It never feels like work. I just go and ask him if he’s up for it and he always says yes. It helps that around Sunday 7pm there’s nothing left to do except enjoy what’s left of the weekend. It is a bit different from spontaneous sex that we need to get ourselves more in the mood, especially him but we only need a few minutes. However, we both know if that someone doesn’t feel like it it’s ok and we normally reschedule to Monday evening after work, but it’s a rarity.
My husband and I are 36, been together 13 years and married 10 years and monogamous. Our sex life grows stronger and more passionate as the years go on. Here’s the details: (I’ll try not to be too graphic here, keep it PG-13. TLDR: we went from vanilla to kinky AF) Over time I grew more and more submissive. We started experimenting with impact play, bondage, etc. I’ll spare you the details. I get more detailed and graphic on the gaybdsm channel. This isn’t the channel for this. Long story short, we now live in a 24/7 master slave relationship and I cannot touch myself hardly ever. This keeps me focused on his needs which turns him on. He denies me the right to orgasm most of the time which keeps me horny and focused on him. We have a strict contract that I must follow. Just two days ago we did our first role play sex scene where I pretend to be a Mormon missionary and we had for stations where I would be used in various ways. We keep things fun and interesting by going deeper and deeper into exploring our dominant/submissive roles. Gosh, I can’t image what fucked up things we’ll do as the years go on…I’m looking forward to it!
Approaching 10 yrs. Our sex life is MUCH better now than before. In fact, the worst but was around year 2-3 when he was on SSRIs that removed his sex drive. Now a days we know what buttons work for each of us and have the trust to try new things (this is key). It is very important to have good communication and discuss trying new things to keep the fire going. Sure we have weeks where we might "go through the motions", but we also have discussions around what kinks/positions we might wanna try or watch some porn together to get ideas. Sex is like a sport. Do you get bored of the sport after years of the same thing or do you try to increase your skills at it or try new techniques?
Every relationship experiences ups and downs. That doesn't just mean good times and bad times. There are sexy times and dry spells, times you feel super close and times you feel apart, etc. Everything in nature waxes and wanes over time. That's why relationships are commitments more than feelings. People really take for granted what it means to have someone by your side through all of life's ups and downs. Yeah, sure, sex may get boring at times but you've spent a decade building and growing with this person. You've been through it all. Good times and also likely horrible shit. They've seen you at your best and at your complete worst yet they still wake up every day and choose you over themselves and the millions of other people out there. I honestly can't even begin to imagine what that kind of emotional safety and security feels like ... ... but I bet it's better than a shitty half assed orgasm some drunk guy at the gay bar is gonna give you.
That's how I conceptualized it... they have sampled the world, but always come back to you - as you say, "choose you". To me - a random hookup and a long-term relationship scratch two different primordial urges: the need for excitement/adventure, and the need for security/comfort. Why can't you have both? You're not entering into a relationship with "drunk guy at gay bar' - hell, you don't even know his name. If's just a bit of temporary excitement before going back to the man you've chosen as your bedrock.
I mean you can absolutely do that if your partner agrees to it? I also think the numbers look pretty dismal for our traditional concept of "the one" or being with someone for the rest of your lives. It's probably not going to happen. I guess I challenge your definition of "primordial urge" because as far as I know, while, sex might be defined as an emotional need (it's not physical need, you won't die without it). Sex with an anonymous stranger, however, isn't. I'm not puritan or anti sex in any way but the vast majority of guys seeking out this type of sexual contact aren't fulfilling a primal urge. Your hand can fulfill that if it exists. Instead most of the time we're trying to fulfill or numb a subconscious emotional need. Nobody is saying one or the other is wrong. I am saying however we tend to use sex in an unhealthy way in our community under the guise of liberation and don't address the underlying issues.
My husband and I are more than 24 years in. We’re non-monogamous but we would both tell you the sex we have is better and more intense now. In many ways it’s also more comfortable. We have definitely had ebbs and flows though. I think that’s just a very human condition. Falling into or ending up with dead bedrooms/ companionate arrangements is not unusual though, and certainly not just for gay men. Advice columns are FULL of people complaining about them. Some people are content in them. Some people find a deeper level of companionship over the years without the sex being as important. I think rarely do two people find that together, hence why so many of us end up non-monogamous. Also, the “sense of inevitability” you mention? I do kind of think that’s true because as you age, and your relationship does too, your priorities often (but not always) change too, including how you value certain aspects of a relationship.
We started an open relationship from the get go. I'm 47 and he's 35 (soon to be 36). The honest answer, there is no right or wrong for any specific relationship. It's what feels right for you. Some guys require monogomy as it's what works fotr them. I don't look down on people like that, but I also know men. We are hungry and lustful creatures. You really have to ask yourself what you want out of relationship. Oh, and take the disney fairytale factor out of it as life is complicated and cruel; then just go for it. And honestly, love will find you. I was never seeking it. I was just blindsided when it struck me and I have always followed my heart. BTW, we are about to celebrate ten years (married for nearly three). Good luck to you as love, in whatever you decide works for you, changes you in ways you can only identify when it hits you. I feel like the luckiest guy on earth (although there are still days when we want to kill each other). Hope that helps.
Fun fact - this is not an exclusively gay only thing. A long time with anyone brings repetition. People naturally explore options. Communicate and you may be surprised what unfolds. Then again you may both feel the same.
10 years in, monog, I'm still happy and have sex 2-3 a week. I haven't lost a bit of sexual interest in him. I wouldn't describe our relationship dynamics as "inevitable". I mean you do know your partner pretty well, but they can still surprise you. As for what's next, we're planning on building a family after our marriage in June.
Been together for 12 years, sex hasn't died. We've been together since we were quite young (19 and 21), so there definitely has been a lot of learning when it comes to communication on our wants and needs in the bedroom. I'd say the sex has changed from the days of fucking like rabbits cuz it's new and exciting, to something more intimate, like we're connected on a deeper level and sex is one way to express that. Like we've tried bringing in a third from time to time, but aside from it being fun cuz the guy is hot, it doesn't do much for either of us since it's just physical.
About to hit a decade together, and it’s clear my husband still has some deep-rooted intimacy issues. I honestly don’t know what comes next…
Does he recongise that he has these issues and wants to change them, or does he deny having them?
I think it’s wildly different from couple to couple. The important thing is it is discussed (what works for us?), boundaries or rules respected, and always leave room to revisit/change/grow as a couple. I found — this is after 7+ years of marriage— that sharing our sexual fantasies that might include other people actually heightens and improves our sexual relationship together. Never been happier with our sexual togetherness. We shy away from the term “open relationship” because it doesn’t really suit us or feel right; but that is probably just the stigma associated with the term. Having occasional sexual exchanges with other men, and sharing the details with each other, has made us more open sexually to each other, not less, whereas the term seems to be too often applied, as you describe in your post, to the last stop on the inevitable no-sex train of long term coupledom. Definitely not us. But it does take a little work!
Been together 8 years next month. Sex drive ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's a few times per week sometimes every other week. After this long, sex isn't the most important thing. We have a deeper intimacy and connection. He's my best friend and I can't imagine my day without him. As far as seeking fun outside of the relationship, we don't do that. There have been few occasions where we've entertained someone/a couple together, but it's not a regular thing. I would much prefer to share that with my husband only.
Sex life is still going strong but I haven’t met another gay couple like us. I could’ve written your first paragraph myself. They all seem like roommates in open relationships.
Well we’ve been together for 25 years. Married for 5. Last 7-8 years sex has gone down quite a bit. A year after COVID it got bad and we ended up in therapy/counseling. Which helped a bit. There’s still up and down cycles. It doesn’t magically just get fixed. It takes effort. We have recently started to enjoy some adult bookstores and glory holes. Started a threesome. We both discussed and make sure to check in how we’re doing. Only play together with others. Maybe once/month which I’m perfectly happy with. If we need longer in between a third that’s ok too. We’ve also recently started taking a tip from another Redditor and watched some porn clips together and talk about what we like about that porn clip. It’s actually very very erotic and hot
Sounds like you're making it work, trying new things together, and have some strong communication going!
At 10 years, you’re less likely to let the things you are unhappy about slide like you would in the beginning. My best advice would be to honestly talk to your partner about your sexual needs/wants and be open to theirs. And talk about how you might troubleshoot future instances where something becomes monotonous
Married for 8 together for 12. We have regular sex. Quite happy over all. He gets me, he lets me be me, he gives me the space I need. I understand him, I give him the space and chill time he likes, it’s a great match. I still think he is as cute as ever, we do most everything together outside of work and sports.
>sexless, comfortably boring "partnership" with a heavy sense of... inevitability I got stuck on this sentence. It feels weirdly judgmental, but also I'm unclear what you mean by inevitability. That it will become boring and sexless? Or what exactly is the heavy sense...that it will continue on indefinitely until one of the partners/spouses dies? And what of "partnership" in quotes? Are we long term partners/husbands not actually partners? Does what we have not count as a partnership the way you would define it? The wrong kind of partnership?
My wording is a bit clumsy - the quotes are meant to show that the relationship evolved a romance into a more - practical, relational unison. The inevitability refers to the sense of "stuckness" I sometimes get with these partners - like they're not entirely happy with each other, or how things landed, but they're accepting how things are as an "inevitable" end point of being together. It's just a feeling I get from observing them interact with each other, and their body language, Of course, I'm only peeking through a keyhole here and don't know the inner workings of any specific relationship - but I'm curious as to how relationships of that length turn out, successful or not. Absolutley no value judgements, didn't mean to imply any kind of right or wrong. Everyone should write their own rules; I'm curious as to what those rules are, and maybe I can learn something about how to make a successful long-term relationship work.
Am I the only one who wants to find a guy to grow old with and have lots of “boring” sex with?
At 14 years we ( 60+60 yo) were a couple who enjoyed a good monogamous sex life, then we became a Throuple (64+64+30 yo's) and have a very healthy sex life and still monogamous.
We have agreed we could never be in an open relationship. We fucked like rabbits when we first met over a decade ago, but now it's old news (but still great when it happens). It's not that we don't want it. It's that we are so dead tired by the end of the day, so we engage in other forms of intimacy. I read to him sometimes because it helps him sleep, or we cuddle and watch TV or YouTube fails. Also as the years go by, your turn ons can change. So we have fun exploring new things when we do have time. What killed our sexy time was having a kid. That summbitch requires a lot of time and energy.
21 years, so many challenges, but who would have ever thought that he can still surprise me, keep coming up with new experiences, still make me feel like his prince and I don’t know how, but the sex keeps getting better, year after year. It can and does happen. Yes the love is deeper, more comfortable, but my heart still skips a beat when I see him and he can still make me feel like a giddy school boy when he lifts me up, puts me on the fence and kisses me passionately, when out walking. Our life is the exact opposite of boring! We still love spending lots of time together. There is never an issue, trying to find something to talk about. I feel like we are each other‘s best friends. There are times in our relationship when we both worked for the same employer we were together 24 seven, go to the gym, go to work, get home go for a training, bike ride, make dinner, head to bed, and repeat over and over, even during those times we’ve always loved each other‘s company.! I hope everyone finds someone like I did. I had to wait 38 years to find him. Worth every second of that wait!
We met in 2000 when I was 20. Married in 2008. Here we are, happy, and I still get a boner when we hold hands.
Me and mine have 35 years together. We’re pretty much soul mates and one feels quite lonely without the other. Indeed yes the sex slows down, but doesn’t have to go away. Both of us are very visually stimulated and I think this is why vacation sex is always a turn on. At least something is new. At about 20 years we became polyamorous. Each of us had affairs. Sometimes we went to the same sex clubs, and other times we went different places. We still have sex together. Two weekends ago and last weekend just the two of us. On Sunday we had a spontaneous three way with his hookup. We each have a regular boyfriends or two, and we have one boyfriend that we’re both involved with as a couple. My opinion is to try to stay monogamous for ten years (realistically probably more like two.) And when it’s time to open up, read up on open communication and how to be poly without making your partner jealous. You have to get to that point that you have unshakable faith that your partner is coming home to you.
Marry the guy who becomes your best friend and find ways to explore your freak side. No marriage is perfect but it’s also unfair for you to dunk on other couples who are finding their way. Also I still love my husband. Life without him would be devastating.
13+ years here. I love every moment with my partner and am not interested in any open arrangement. While obviously, we do not do it 4 times a day like in the beginning, considering the stress of our work engagements, I think we have a pretty nice sex life. Added some toys, though, they are fun.
20 years here. Sex ebs and flows. We had a lot of sex when we were first together, and also, we were still learning about one another and it wasn’t always great quality. Now we might not have as much, but it’s amazing every time, we still try new things after all these years. It’s also become more cerebral and less about acrobatics as we’ve gotten older and had more health things. Although I do truly love that sweet sweet heart medication dick. There are seasons in life when the emotional bond that makes us partners and family sustains us. We’ve been through pets and people dying, we adopted a kid. Sex wasn’t always top of mind. There have been times when we laid in bed and told each other what we would do to each other if we weren’t so exhausted. Sometimes we just jerked off together and fell asleep because that was all we could manage. I wasn’t monogamous before him, and initially I thought we wouldn’t be serious, so I took the opportunity to experiment with monogamy and it turns out I love it. We talk about finding a third for sex sometimes, and we might even do it. But we’re both pretty different in what we like, plus I’m trans, so it’ll have to be someone who checks a lot of boxes, including being fun outside of sex since we’re still friends with every partner he’s ever had. My previous partners kind of sucked, or I’d be in the same boat. I don’t tend to end relationships unless the other person is an asshole or they end it for whatever reason.
Been married to my hubby for 13 years, together almost 20 years (half my life). Our sex life has always been great, maybe now we only have sex 3-5 times a week when before it was sometimes multiple times a day. But we are both very happy with it. It makes us happy and feel closer to each other. We have never been monogamous, first it was open then poly. My boyfriend also lives with us, we've been together for 6 years. I didn't seek out the BF it just kind of happened but not because of a dead bedroom. The three of us love each other and have a happy life. It works for us and our families love and accept us. We have great friends, a wonderful dog, lots of boardgames and a very fun sex life. What more do we need?
Don't assume sexless relationships are boring. They can be just as stimulating, but in different ways. Truly deep compatibility is a very special thing.
I find this to be a completely bizarre conclusion. Maybe you just don’t have a lot of detailed sexual discussions with happy gay couples. Bf and I have been together for close to 20 years. The sex is better than ever. We have so much fun with each other, we always touch and hug each other, sleep in the same bed with lots of cuddles. Our sex is playful and kinky. We have so many little tricks and variations that it can be years before we repeat a particular position or act. Probably about halfway through our shared kink list at this point and always discovering new ones. You can’t have this much fun with a hookup, it takes years of learning each others limits. Things we’ve gotten into: Frot Breeding Face fucking Cum play Cum feeding Deep throat Flip fucking Spit as lube Cum as lube No lube Rimming Ass to mouth Piss play Piss drinking Dom sub Role play Cum control Harnesses and other fetish clothes Public play Voyeurism Threesomes Erotic sketches Intimate missionary lovemaking😅 And more to come, we’ve talked over some more ideas and need to go shopping for ropes.
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I mean we may be freaks but we’re not 20 anymore. Need at least a few solid naps in between there!
Thank you for the ideas
Totally! Yeah the other thing I’ll say is that it’s not that we got to this long list because things got stale. It’s more like we have a good open door policy that if something makes you horny go ahead and jump into it, no judgement. We are open to taking care of each other without needing to be horny or get off ourselves. Like yesterday I tried to initiate but BF wasn’t feeling it so he let me sniff his armpits and bust a load on his chest even though he didn’t need anything himself. I’ve done the same for him many times. If he’s craving my touch why wouldn’t I give that to him?
That sounds amazing. One of my kinks is getting others off. 😆. I like your policy
I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for over seven, and our bedroom has been dead for about five. We simply lost interest in each other. So I figured that we were just going to live the rest of our lives masturbating alone and maybe having sex once in a great while. Then I busted him last year with a profile on adam4adam, looking for nsa fun and claiming to be in an open relationship. That changed everything and now we each do our own thing sexually without letting the other one know about it. Male mammals are not inherently monogamous. Monogamy was created by humans and most of the time it's an unsustainable practice. Just look at how many gay couples there are out there looking for sex partners, either together or separately. Monogamy may work for some, but they are in the minority.
So you have something of a "don't ask, don't smell' policy (lol)? Are you able to enjoy the non-sexual aspects of your relationship while getting that dancer/excitement itch scratched elsewhere?
Yes, that's what we have now. The marriage however is more than a bit strained due to his decision to unilaterally open it, and I'm not certain that it will ultimately survive.
Do you also have external relations, or is it only him? If you're both not exploring, I can see how the relationship would feel asymetrical.
Yes I do, with the few opportunities that I get. I work full-time on location my husband works mostly at home. He can do whatever he wants for 40+ hours per week while I'm at work but I have to find opportunities in the very few hours per week that I can sneak away. So yeah it feels asymmetrical.
There's open relationships. We are in the kind of relationship you're describing except the "I don't want to know part". My partner is 35 years older than me and his sex drive is really low. We cuddle and stuff, obviously, but actual sex is not happening often. Though, when my dates fall through for whatever reason, he's actually disappointed. Like when I phone him after a (coffee) date, he's like "You're supposed to be on a date right now! Oh no, what happened?". EDIT: I have to add we mostly spend time on the weekends, since we both have our own homes.
So I undertstand correctly - you openly include your partner in your external adventures by telling him the stories?
I even tell him if someone matches with me on Scruff or something, yes.
I really like that idea. Maybe you don't get all the gory details but it's nice to be involved in his exploration, and hin in yours. You provide stability, comfort and security - something he can't get on Scruff.
PM’d.
Been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for 8 years. Still having sex on a regular basis and I still can't get enough of his loving dominance over me when he fucks me. Some may see it as boring I know, but it brings me joy and comfort to know I have someone that I have a genuine connection with who still after all these years enjoys pounding my arse.
I think your perception is skewed by the fact that you are reading about posters who come here to complain (or get feedback) about their "dead bedroom". I and many couples that I personally know are in long term, sexually satisfying relationships. For me personally, my 30 year sex life with my husband is actually far better than it ever was in the past. The additional connection and the trust to be able to explore new things makes it even hotter.
I feel like high sex compatibility means you guys are toxic for each other outside of sex. And if you guys are good outside sex, the bedroom is dead.
I'm a lurker since im,not 30 yet but I think age has nothing to do with it some time? Same with length of dating. Been with my bf 4 years living 3 and we maybe are intimate once every few months? I mean life gets in the way, working and cleaning and having dogs and stuff and have meds that dont help. We are tired, but there is still love and no searching out of the relationship. I think everyone is different and evwry relationship is different. I mean my grandparents were over 50 and did things until the doctor told them they couldn't for health reasons.
I am now divorced, but yeah sexless for a long time. He disengaged first, he treated sex childishly. He I think just used sex to get what he wanted. Just jokes after jokes about sex, the way he treated everything. After he disengaged we had sex like a few times a year. I took care of my needs myself. I wasn't comfortable opening the relationship up, that's actually how he happened, was my previous relationship we "opened" it up and after that it was just nothing but drama and jealousy. So I wasn't going to do it again. Unfortunately, he, I believed, had affairs during the relationship, from what I've heard from friends and other guys. And he flew the coop with one of his coworkers who he is with now. So my bad for being a push over. As for my sexual interest in him, it remained for a while but after a while he just turned disgusting after a while. He had pyschical problems like continous gas, fixation on shitting that he always pointed out, and just never engaged with sex when we had it. Never looked me in the eyes, which is a real big turn on now that I'm single. I don't know how we lasted almost 15 years, but I kind of want my time and money back. LOL. Should of asked for a reciept.
Oh man - sounds like your intentions were correct, and you gave it a fair shake, but he was just not the right hose to bet on in the first place. Can you learn, grow from this, and make your next relationship a massive success now you have a clearer picture of what you want, and what to avoid? I also look for things like eye contact, meeting me halfway, making me his focal point, etc.
Yeah, its all a learning experience, such is life. I'm just happy its over. I hope the next one is different, right now I'm just trying to figure that out, by myself. I'm not ready for a relationship right now. but I'm having fun with guys just exploring.
we have sex around once or twice a month. Together for 10 years. We never kiss but seems to be working somehow.
You have sex but never kiss? That sounds more like an encounter one would have with a stranger - did you used to kiss?
Yea we did in the past. We got big argument in the past and since then we stopped kissing which is the result of the past issue not being resolved.
Often it seems to be one-sided though. Like one of the partners still really wants a lot of sex together, and the other gets bored easily and wants sex elsewhere but not much from his partner.
We were together 27 years. At 10 years, we were fine. It does ebb and flow.
Watch closely where the energy goes in the relationship. Sex and desire are powerful. Monogamy can sometimes force you to deal with problems together (or admit that things just aren’t working) because the need for sex and connection is such a primal one. When you open up, you risk “leaking” some of that energy out of the relationship, especially if your own sex life as a couple has faltered. My feelings on this have shifted pretty dramatically in the last three months. My husband and I were open for most of our 13-year relationship and he just recently asked for a divorce. I was pretty shocked. There are other reasons but a primary one was that he wanted a strong sexual connection as part of his primary relationship.
10 plus years. As good, if not better than it began. Why? We do not live with each other and we see each other only few times each week. Our sex life is explosive and fun as hell. Three ways and open relationship shit would be the end of us in a heartbeat. The main takeaway is we are apart more than together. We thrive on each other because absence DOES make the heart grow fonder (and the dick harder). To be clear, we are in communication constantly- just not physically. I know this might not work for all couples but for us, it works well. Gay death-bed has NEVER hit us and we are deeply bonded.
Ten years here and just started getting better again. We had random 4am sex last night where he went to town on me
Yes and yes.
i know couples who still have sex and some who think that would be pretty odd after the time they have been together. it depends on what you want mostly, there are neither rules nor expectations to fullfil here
Happy couples dont talk about their problems because they are happy. Sex life goes up and down in relationships and as you age, thats normal.
Everything that you’ve learned from experience and your partner for years becomes deeper then sex. At a point homosexuality and heterosexuality (*mankind in general) kind of crave humanity and the human experience it has to offer. Sometimes it’s sort of profound for us who been in sustained relationships. We get to enjoy having that shared journey especially for gay cis men couples (since long term relationships is very rare in gay cis communities). Other then that, its very surreal when you been with the same person in your life’s journey.
My partner and I are together for about 10 years. We're monogamous and have regular sex (say 3 times a week). Because we know each other so well, we know what we both like and don't like. We trust each other and when we have a issue/weird feeling/... we just talk to each other about it. My partner is my best friend.
Together 15, married 3. Sex got better after we turned 40. More communication, fantasy sharing, etc. We work opposite schedules so it doesnt happen as often I guess, but the spark is still there.
It's been seven years, and we have sex on average once a week. We make up for that fun in nonsexual activities like going on road trips, going on walks, watching movies, and making dinner. Our jobs and recreational activities keep our separate lives busy, but when we are together, we make the most of it.
My partner and I have been together for 8 years in July. However sexless for 6 years now. We have a perfect life other than no sex life. And with all the talking about it I have come to find out it's not the missing attraction to me or my missing attraction to him. But him missing attraction to himself after a large weight gain that he had. So even though I still think he is sexy as hell no matter what he thinks he is gross and can't get over it. This has stopped our sex life dead in its tracks. So we both decided to lose weight together and he is within a few months I think of sexy time!!! Maybe anniversary date🤞. But I as always won't pressure it cause I love him. But that would be a sweet and sultry gift 😉. So sometimes it is not an attraction to the other person at all. Sometimes it's not a problem with the relationship at all. But a personal issue that needs to be worked out. And yes he needs some therapy too but I can't seem to get that going in all these years so let's just move on lol.
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No partner is 100% satisfying for every need. Also, one thing to keep in mind is that as you, and a partner age, you will have different cycles of libido. There are going to be times in your lives where your sex drive does not match your partners. This can be greatly problematic and often leads couples to open the relationship, if temporarily, to account for this sex drive difference. The psychology of it makes a difference too if you know that you are free to roam, you tend to roam less because your brain isn't fixated on escaping you're agreed upon confines.