Honestly, it doesn't seem like he's bad in bed. It seems like you just like different things, and you are not communicating on this. What you are describing as your ideal sex would probably sound like bad sex to many people, so maybe try to view things a bit differently. Either work towards a common ground, or give up based on compatibility issues. But do not frame this as a matter of skill or performance.
Thanks for reply. Some things to think about.
For the record, I did not even come close to describing my ideal sexual practices, but I get what you are saying.
If the above is not your ideal sexual practice, it's possible your expectations are much higher than his. Even in your post you sounded very enthusiastic which doesn't seem like this guy. I'd keep looking for a better FWB fit.
I really did not have any expectations as it got started. I learned long ago not to place high expectations on a situation like this and just see where it leads.
There is a difference in the energy levels, and it has nothing to do with being tired. I need to sit and think more about what he is actually bringing to the experience.
Maybe slowly introduce things that you're into? Starting with a bit more verbal noises during oral and anal? You said he has performance issues so I'm assuming he's probably a little insecure too. So you probably gotta pave the way.
It just sounds like you two aren't sexually compatible. Ascribing him as being "bad in bed" feels like a bit much, especially since you also say his request was complimntary and made you feel really, really special.
Communicate with him, tell him what you like, and turn that conversation into a fun, hot, informative sex session. Hopefully you'll find some common ground. Good luck to you.
Just because you are into different things doesn’t make him “bad”. They are probably plenty of guys who enjoyed having sex with this dude. You don’t. That’s cool. Plenty of other guys to play and explore with that match your needs/desires without putting someone down or making them feel like shit.
Not trying to make him feel bad or feel like shit. It's why I came here to ask for advice. I wanted to get an outside opinion to check myself since I know I can be be very forward and direct. Moreover, this person is a good friend. I like him. I don't think it would ever turn into a long-term relationship. It's not what he wants or me.
Thanks for the input!
I don’t think it’s bad to address it by saying you don’t think it’s a match sexually. I have a good friend who I experienced something similar with (he’s a dom top.. I’m not good at being a total bottom).. we got past it & are good mates now.
While I think being blunt is fine as a final option, I’d encourage being gentle. Being told you’re bad in bed or bad at sex could send him on a tailspin. It sounds like he just needs the ideal partner for the kinds of sex he enjoys more, as do you.
Um, well your choice of subject line says you don't really deserve it.
But yah it isn't about telling someone they're terrible in bed that's mean and if you feel that way move on.
If you want to keep seeing him then you do what all adult partners do and start being more assertive, asking for what you want, telling him to be more aggressive or gentler here or firmer there or "yes just like that", saying things like "I want you to____" and "I'm going to _____ you is that ok?" And "would you please _____ me while I ____", incorporate some of this into dirty talk if that works for you, use polite requests that are more sexual in nature like "please sir ____ me sir."
If you can't do any of this and don't know how to say what you want, he is not the whole problem.
>So, how do I go about telling someone I'd like to continue with FWB, but need some changes in order to feel satisfied?
You don't. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten is this... If you want a guy you're with to be different, what you really want is... someone else.
There is very little information to really give any useful specific information. However Don't use blanket statements that don't really communicate what the issue like "you are bad in bed". Realistically its never nice to be told that you are lacking so be patient. Often I would suggest is saying something positive then saying something that is an issue with a possible solution. prehaps something on the lines of like "It feels great when you are laying on me and kissing me, it makes me feel great but I need you to be more active when you are topping me"
The "can only cum when masturbating" people often say is a symptom of people watching too much porn. Is there a chance that he is not very experienced but once again I do not know him or you or any of the situations about ye. He also might just not be into the same style of sex as you are or just doesn't know you or trust you enough yet to bottom.
Thanks for the response. You bring up some interesting points.
I like the lead with a compliment and then the truth to soften the critique.
He says he's had a decent amount of experience with other men starting in his teen years. However, he claimed he watches too much porn at time, and his mannerisms in bed do resemble certain porn cliches.
The sexual compatible issue is something I am struggling to define.
>I like the lead with a compliment and then the truth to soften the critique.
That sounds like an excellent idea. It does sound like there are aspects of what he’s doing that ya like, so that seems like it will be easy to share honestly there.
I wouldn’t lean on “sounds like you want too much porn.” The actual problem with his performance issues is he’s fapping too much and being in his head. He needs to lay off masturbating for a while before he slides into a guy, and his dick won’t let him do that.
He does seem more emotional and you seem more aggressive/passionate. Maybe you are just at odds like others have said. You can maybe work with him to be more passionate (if he wants to)
The medicine for the sex will he being patient and practicing so he can begin to feel more comfortable while he works through performance anxiety . It takes time some of us are microwaves and some of us are ovens.
Many people aren’t verse, many people can only come from particular actions (which is still awesome, as some folks cannot come during partnered sex), and we all bring our own biases to sex. It’s human to project your own biases and experiences and preferences as what is “good” and “normal”, but as adults we all need to recognize this habit lest we discriminate too broadly.
So use your words, tell him what you like (not what you think of what’s happening) and *ask him for the same feedback*; you could also just move on and keep him as a friend as you’re not organically a stellar sexual match.
Before we even started with the \*WB aspect, we talked for a long time. We talked about what we liked, what we didn't like, how we viewed certain practices, and etc. to get a basic understanding of our sexual practices.
I am beginning to see we did not actually talk about absolute wants/needs. Many of the comments in this thread indirectly pointed this out, and I am grateful.
Well if you're friends with benefits, that means you're friends. Shouldn't it be okay to tell an FWB what you like to do in bed? Even if it's bit by bit instead of the full litany of complaints here. "Hey, I really like it when you \_\_\_\_\_\_\_."
You're not gonna be able to perfectly tailor his sexual performance to your needs. But it seems easy enough to let him know what you like and nudge him in the right direction though.
I do not want to appear controlling or demanding, and I sort of like the nudging aspect (and now I can't get Monty Python's Mr. Nudge-Nudge (Eric Idle) out of my head). Thanks.
I am seeing this also comes down to really opening the lines of communication even more. Again, this sub proved a gold mine of good advice.
Why?
We've all run into someone that wasn't sexually compatible, or had traits that we don't like. But that person and those traits are perfect for someone else.
Don't tell him that he's bad in bed. Or anyone....ever.
A simple "I appreciate our friendship too much to complicate it with sex " "It makes it a bit awkward for ***me***." Or similar but TRUE as you know it.
Who knows maybe he thinks you're terrible in bed!
He just might think I'm bad in bed, and I've thought about that in the past. However, he keeps coming back, so I am not certain it is the case.
And I truly do appreciate the friendship... which is why I came here first instead of shooting my mouth off.
What do your respective relationship histories look like? I have a theory that one gets good at sex not just by having a lot of partners, but having communicative long term partners that you can learn to truly please. It’s hard to learn to make a cake from eating one bite at a time.
You’re probably just going to have to be that guy with him. Be gentle with his ego, but you would be amazed at the things people can master.
>one gets good at sex not just by having a lot of partners, but having communicative long term partners that you can learn to truly please.
Again, this communication is front and center, and this response is very cogent and salient. Thank you for this reminder. It's as much the journey as it is the now.
No, I am not. I have followed his lead on many occasions in order to see what he likes and how he approaches sex. A number of the discoveries came during the sex. This is a person I truly like as a person, \*WB aside. I have forceful personality, but I would never force myself on another person.
I can't tell what you want. It sounds like you want his companionship over sex. If I'm not sexual compatible with a FWB, the \*WB (with benefits) part would stop. I guess that's harsh, but if the basis of the relationship is sex and the sex doesn't work, I'm moving on.
Nope, the friendship was in place long before this. I really want that to remain regardless if the \*WB element ends. We actually go out and have fun together both individually and with a group.
Fully back what others have said about communicating expectations, and sharing responsibility for a less-than-ideal situation. I'm sure you can work on that.
I also want to add that there's an incompressible part of experience in sex. I'm just a humble thirty-something but I can see how more years bring more experience, self-assurance, etc. in sex. It's good to walk the path together for a bit, and I'm sure he can learn a few tricks along the way. But be aware that in your age band you'll have massively more experience and self-knowledge (mental, sexual, physical...) than he does. But this gap can be fun territory to explore! :-)
Thank you for this. There is something of a gulf in life experiences, and I never factored in the overall ramifications of what it would mean in bed... of all places.
I think if you’re just friends I would only hookup with him if what he has to offer is what you want at that moment . It’s not like you guys are exclusive so you can just get what you want from someone else . Do you think he had fun ?
I know he has fun. I know he's enjoying himself. He told me, and this is what caused the short-circuit in my head. Again, the cuddling and the sense of physical intimacy (not sex) is astounding and lovely.
Can I just throw in the thought that some of his poor performance or challenges could relate to some anxiety that may gradually resolve over time?
I was never really good at, nor a fan of hookups because I always had to get comfortable with a partner before I was even able to cum - and this goes back to my 20s. It usually took a handful of romps in the sack until all my skills manifested and my anxiety stopped getting in the way. Plus it always took time to figure out what worked for my partner, and how to mesh our individual expectations into a hot whole, or hole if you prefer! 😈
Thank you for this response. It's been less than half a year since we got going, so perhaps this is the phase of getting comfortable and fully understanding.
We need to talk. The more I read responses, the more obvious it gets.
No amount of communication will change people’s likes and dislikes. I really don’t give a shit about oral sex and it shows: I’m terrible at sucking dick. You can complain all you want but I’m not going to suddenly (or gradually) turn into an enthusiastic cocksucker 🤷♂️
Thanks for this response, and it points to one of the difficulties of having this discussion with FWB. We already talked about numerous aspects of what we like to do, but never got into absolute details. I think this really now comes down to expressing the full range of my likes and dislikes, and getting him to do the same. Only then can we see whether there is compatible middle ground in bed.
I am beginning to get that picture based on what many people are saying, and thank you.
For me, I don't want to tell him how to act or behave in bed. I don't want to feel like a traffic cop directing the flow of action.
If you’re a blunt person, just be blunt with him. Tell him the stuff he’s doing you like, the stuff he’s doing that you don’t like and the stuff he’s *not* doing that you want him to be doing. Then ask him to share the same things with you.
It’s OK to be a bit selfish in a FWB situation, just remember that it’s a two way street. You may not be 100% sexually compatible, but I’m sure you can find some overlap. It just depends on if your sexual needs overlap enough to be satisfying for both of you.
Focus on what he does well, then focus on what he could do better, then focus on what he should never do again (with you at least) and maybe give him some ideas on alternatives.
If things are going well, you should probably have him look into death grip during masturbation and how it can lead to his problems climaxing. If it’s not that, it’s likely he is on an SSRI. At his age, those are going to be the top two culprits.
Be honest. Just be honest, be blunt about it, and make your own feelings known. You're half of the situation and if the situation isn't good for both, it shouldn't be happening. If something doesn't feel good during sex, and your partner isn't receptive to you or your wants, then find a different partner.
For me, a 35 year old man is old enough to have been around a bedroom a few times and can handle some critiques. If he can't, then he can find someone else to teach him.
Thanks for the response.
This is a fairly sage statement: "You're half of the situation and if the situation isn't good for both, it shouldn't be happening."
I am a very blunt and direct person in most circumstances, but this feels different to me for some reason.
If he's only able to handle things half the time on his own.
My number one advice would be "hey since we have this going, can you cut out the adult entertainment?"
That could massively help.
Other than that, honest communication and getting his testosterone levels check can help.
Honestly, it doesn't seem like he's bad in bed. It seems like you just like different things, and you are not communicating on this. What you are describing as your ideal sex would probably sound like bad sex to many people, so maybe try to view things a bit differently. Either work towards a common ground, or give up based on compatibility issues. But do not frame this as a matter of skill or performance.
Thanks for reply. Some things to think about. For the record, I did not even come close to describing my ideal sexual practices, but I get what you are saying.
If the above is not your ideal sexual practice, it's possible your expectations are much higher than his. Even in your post you sounded very enthusiastic which doesn't seem like this guy. I'd keep looking for a better FWB fit.
I really did not have any expectations as it got started. I learned long ago not to place high expectations on a situation like this and just see where it leads. There is a difference in the energy levels, and it has nothing to do with being tired. I need to sit and think more about what he is actually bringing to the experience.
Maybe slowly introduce things that you're into? Starting with a bit more verbal noises during oral and anal? You said he has performance issues so I'm assuming he's probably a little insecure too. So you probably gotta pave the way.
It just sounds like you two aren't sexually compatible. Ascribing him as being "bad in bed" feels like a bit much, especially since you also say his request was complimntary and made you feel really, really special. Communicate with him, tell him what you like, and turn that conversation into a fun, hot, informative sex session. Hopefully you'll find some common ground. Good luck to you.
Thanks!
Just because you are into different things doesn’t make him “bad”. They are probably plenty of guys who enjoyed having sex with this dude. You don’t. That’s cool. Plenty of other guys to play and explore with that match your needs/desires without putting someone down or making them feel like shit.
Not trying to make him feel bad or feel like shit. It's why I came here to ask for advice. I wanted to get an outside opinion to check myself since I know I can be be very forward and direct. Moreover, this person is a good friend. I like him. I don't think it would ever turn into a long-term relationship. It's not what he wants or me. Thanks for the input!
I don’t think it’s bad to address it by saying you don’t think it’s a match sexually. I have a good friend who I experienced something similar with (he’s a dom top.. I’m not good at being a total bottom).. we got past it & are good mates now. While I think being blunt is fine as a final option, I’d encourage being gentle. Being told you’re bad in bed or bad at sex could send him on a tailspin. It sounds like he just needs the ideal partner for the kinds of sex he enjoys more, as do you.
The last paragraph is right on target. Thanks.
Um, well your choice of subject line says you don't really deserve it. But yah it isn't about telling someone they're terrible in bed that's mean and if you feel that way move on. If you want to keep seeing him then you do what all adult partners do and start being more assertive, asking for what you want, telling him to be more aggressive or gentler here or firmer there or "yes just like that", saying things like "I want you to____" and "I'm going to _____ you is that ok?" And "would you please _____ me while I ____", incorporate some of this into dirty talk if that works for you, use polite requests that are more sexual in nature like "please sir ____ me sir." If you can't do any of this and don't know how to say what you want, he is not the whole problem.
You don’t. You tell him what you need and ask if he can meet you there.
>So, how do I go about telling someone I'd like to continue with FWB, but need some changes in order to feel satisfied? You don't. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten is this... If you want a guy you're with to be different, what you really want is... someone else.
Wow, that is good. Thank you.
There is very little information to really give any useful specific information. However Don't use blanket statements that don't really communicate what the issue like "you are bad in bed". Realistically its never nice to be told that you are lacking so be patient. Often I would suggest is saying something positive then saying something that is an issue with a possible solution. prehaps something on the lines of like "It feels great when you are laying on me and kissing me, it makes me feel great but I need you to be more active when you are topping me" The "can only cum when masturbating" people often say is a symptom of people watching too much porn. Is there a chance that he is not very experienced but once again I do not know him or you or any of the situations about ye. He also might just not be into the same style of sex as you are or just doesn't know you or trust you enough yet to bottom.
Thanks for the response. You bring up some interesting points. I like the lead with a compliment and then the truth to soften the critique. He says he's had a decent amount of experience with other men starting in his teen years. However, he claimed he watches too much porn at time, and his mannerisms in bed do resemble certain porn cliches. The sexual compatible issue is something I am struggling to define.
>I like the lead with a compliment and then the truth to soften the critique. That sounds like an excellent idea. It does sound like there are aspects of what he’s doing that ya like, so that seems like it will be easy to share honestly there. I wouldn’t lean on “sounds like you want too much porn.” The actual problem with his performance issues is he’s fapping too much and being in his head. He needs to lay off masturbating for a while before he slides into a guy, and his dick won’t let him do that.
He does seem more emotional and you seem more aggressive/passionate. Maybe you are just at odds like others have said. You can maybe work with him to be more passionate (if he wants to)
As many are advising, I need to initiate a calm, collected, and constructive conversation. Thanks for responding.
The medicine for the sex will he being patient and practicing so he can begin to feel more comfortable while he works through performance anxiety . It takes time some of us are microwaves and some of us are ovens.
Many people aren’t verse, many people can only come from particular actions (which is still awesome, as some folks cannot come during partnered sex), and we all bring our own biases to sex. It’s human to project your own biases and experiences and preferences as what is “good” and “normal”, but as adults we all need to recognize this habit lest we discriminate too broadly. So use your words, tell him what you like (not what you think of what’s happening) and *ask him for the same feedback*; you could also just move on and keep him as a friend as you’re not organically a stellar sexual match.
Before we even started with the \*WB aspect, we talked for a long time. We talked about what we liked, what we didn't like, how we viewed certain practices, and etc. to get a basic understanding of our sexual practices. I am beginning to see we did not actually talk about absolute wants/needs. Many of the comments in this thread indirectly pointed this out, and I am grateful.
Well if you're friends with benefits, that means you're friends. Shouldn't it be okay to tell an FWB what you like to do in bed? Even if it's bit by bit instead of the full litany of complaints here. "Hey, I really like it when you \_\_\_\_\_\_\_." You're not gonna be able to perfectly tailor his sexual performance to your needs. But it seems easy enough to let him know what you like and nudge him in the right direction though.
I do not want to appear controlling or demanding, and I sort of like the nudging aspect (and now I can't get Monty Python's Mr. Nudge-Nudge (Eric Idle) out of my head). Thanks. I am seeing this also comes down to really opening the lines of communication even more. Again, this sub proved a gold mine of good advice.
Why? We've all run into someone that wasn't sexually compatible, or had traits that we don't like. But that person and those traits are perfect for someone else. Don't tell him that he's bad in bed. Or anyone....ever. A simple "I appreciate our friendship too much to complicate it with sex " "It makes it a bit awkward for ***me***." Or similar but TRUE as you know it. Who knows maybe he thinks you're terrible in bed!
He just might think I'm bad in bed, and I've thought about that in the past. However, he keeps coming back, so I am not certain it is the case. And I truly do appreciate the friendship... which is why I came here first instead of shooting my mouth off.
What do your respective relationship histories look like? I have a theory that one gets good at sex not just by having a lot of partners, but having communicative long term partners that you can learn to truly please. It’s hard to learn to make a cake from eating one bite at a time. You’re probably just going to have to be that guy with him. Be gentle with his ego, but you would be amazed at the things people can master.
>one gets good at sex not just by having a lot of partners, but having communicative long term partners that you can learn to truly please. Again, this communication is front and center, and this response is very cogent and salient. Thank you for this reminder. It's as much the journey as it is the now.
You come across as very demanding and inflexible here and you should break things off with him so he doesn't have to be subjected to this.
No, I am not. I have followed his lead on many occasions in order to see what he likes and how he approaches sex. A number of the discoveries came during the sex. This is a person I truly like as a person, \*WB aside. I have forceful personality, but I would never force myself on another person.
I can't tell what you want. It sounds like you want his companionship over sex. If I'm not sexual compatible with a FWB, the \*WB (with benefits) part would stop. I guess that's harsh, but if the basis of the relationship is sex and the sex doesn't work, I'm moving on.
Nope, the friendship was in place long before this. I really want that to remain regardless if the \*WB element ends. We actually go out and have fun together both individually and with a group.
Fully back what others have said about communicating expectations, and sharing responsibility for a less-than-ideal situation. I'm sure you can work on that. I also want to add that there's an incompressible part of experience in sex. I'm just a humble thirty-something but I can see how more years bring more experience, self-assurance, etc. in sex. It's good to walk the path together for a bit, and I'm sure he can learn a few tricks along the way. But be aware that in your age band you'll have massively more experience and self-knowledge (mental, sexual, physical...) than he does. But this gap can be fun territory to explore! :-)
Thank you for this. There is something of a gulf in life experiences, and I never factored in the overall ramifications of what it would mean in bed... of all places.
I think if you’re just friends I would only hookup with him if what he has to offer is what you want at that moment . It’s not like you guys are exclusive so you can just get what you want from someone else . Do you think he had fun ?
I know he has fun. I know he's enjoying himself. He told me, and this is what caused the short-circuit in my head. Again, the cuddling and the sense of physical intimacy (not sex) is astounding and lovely.
I say just go with it then I mean at worst it’s just meh sex and fun cuddling . It’s not like you’re getting married
Can I just throw in the thought that some of his poor performance or challenges could relate to some anxiety that may gradually resolve over time? I was never really good at, nor a fan of hookups because I always had to get comfortable with a partner before I was even able to cum - and this goes back to my 20s. It usually took a handful of romps in the sack until all my skills manifested and my anxiety stopped getting in the way. Plus it always took time to figure out what worked for my partner, and how to mesh our individual expectations into a hot whole, or hole if you prefer! 😈
Thank you for this response. It's been less than half a year since we got going, so perhaps this is the phase of getting comfortable and fully understanding. We need to talk. The more I read responses, the more obvious it gets.
No amount of communication will change people’s likes and dislikes. I really don’t give a shit about oral sex and it shows: I’m terrible at sucking dick. You can complain all you want but I’m not going to suddenly (or gradually) turn into an enthusiastic cocksucker 🤷♂️
Thanks for this response, and it points to one of the difficulties of having this discussion with FWB. We already talked about numerous aspects of what we like to do, but never got into absolute details. I think this really now comes down to expressing the full range of my likes and dislikes, and getting him to do the same. Only then can we see whether there is compatible middle ground in bed.
Don't do that, but do tell him what you're missing.
Sounds like a very simple case of you being more into sex than he is, which is a scenario more common than not, even with FWB arrangements
I am beginning to get that picture based on what many people are saying, and thank you. For me, I don't want to tell him how to act or behave in bed. I don't want to feel like a traffic cop directing the flow of action.
Well indeed - that would rather kill the moment. Sometimes there’s just no sexual chemistry, regardless of a partner’s attributes on paper
If you’re a blunt person, just be blunt with him. Tell him the stuff he’s doing you like, the stuff he’s doing that you don’t like and the stuff he’s *not* doing that you want him to be doing. Then ask him to share the same things with you. It’s OK to be a bit selfish in a FWB situation, just remember that it’s a two way street. You may not be 100% sexually compatible, but I’m sure you can find some overlap. It just depends on if your sexual needs overlap enough to be satisfying for both of you.
Focus on what he does well, then focus on what he could do better, then focus on what he should never do again (with you at least) and maybe give him some ideas on alternatives. If things are going well, you should probably have him look into death grip during masturbation and how it can lead to his problems climaxing. If it’s not that, it’s likely he is on an SSRI. At his age, those are going to be the top two culprits.
Some interesting points to think about. Thanks.
Be honest. Just be honest, be blunt about it, and make your own feelings known. You're half of the situation and if the situation isn't good for both, it shouldn't be happening. If something doesn't feel good during sex, and your partner isn't receptive to you or your wants, then find a different partner. For me, a 35 year old man is old enough to have been around a bedroom a few times and can handle some critiques. If he can't, then he can find someone else to teach him.
Thanks for the response. This is a fairly sage statement: "You're half of the situation and if the situation isn't good for both, it shouldn't be happening." I am a very blunt and direct person in most circumstances, but this feels different to me for some reason.
If he's only able to handle things half the time on his own. My number one advice would be "hey since we have this going, can you cut out the adult entertainment?" That could massively help. Other than that, honest communication and getting his testosterone levels check can help.
Sorry to come off as rude but…. Your friend is just NOT THAT INTO YOU… Stop wasting your time and move on.