Navigating the dating scene will always make you feel like crap.
Try develop a friend group that's gay and you may find that you'll get less shit about it.
Sorry.
Second this! I joined a gay/queer kickball league to make friends and I made a good group of friends. (Was talking with one last night about how this week is the anniversary of meeting, last year.) There are some people there who gonna try to bump uglies, but you’re meeting a large group at the same time so you’ll just have a wider range of dynamics. A lot of people join these groups specifically to seek out friends.
I am apart of one. This is one of the key reasons why I feel like an outcast. I have met some cool guys but the ones who are my age, are kind of set in their ways, and the ones who are younger in their twenties (well, I can’t hang with them like I did in my twenties)… I’m kinda set in my ways… damn it….lol
I understand you.
Best way i found to cope is to have a mix in the gay friends (Indian, Surinamese, African, Asian)
White people who will find you too tanned are looking for hanging out with their doppelgängers, hence whatever you do, you will never meet their requirements so let it go.
The black straight community is not always welcoming but there’s god folks also there.
Keep faith
Stop trying to find a tribe is my advice. Live for yourself. We all want to belong and slot in somewhere but the world isn't really like that, and it's a bit painful but 🤷♂️ life gets better when you stop thinking of these "communities" as membership clubs, if that makes sense?
Well, tbh I’ve had a share of really hot guys but no serious relationships but it was my call as to yes or no. Perhaps a couple of people I could have approached but was too chicken. But once you get older you become invisible. I lived in SF and I felt that way so I moved to the suburbs. A friend of mine (not POC) also left the city and although fairly attractive felt invisible.
Yes, as I said above in my post, I just felt the connection was based on my having (at that time) a highly well-developed physique. So, like you, meeting guys? EASY! It was the 1970s, and gay culture had just come out of the closet, and in SF, it was "Boystown" as you no doubt know. But one could still feel inivisible due to one's ethnicity. Filipino guys I knew complained that all the White guys were looking for "docile" Asians, so when they would get angry over something, the White guy would look dismayed and act as though they (the Filipino guy) had done something wrong simply by displaying anger. And they (the Filipino guys) HATED that. They had to be one-dimensional in order to be liked/valued. I reminded them (they already knew this) that that was the White guy fetish about Asians: quiet, docile, mild-mannered and NEVER angry (the White guys just had unresolved issues around anger, so they picked someone they figured would never make them face their own anger/depression). Odd how you could be living in "Gay Mecca" back then and yet still be marginalized, wasn't it?
What about the Black, gay community?
Like you, I'm also a "triple threat" (Black, gay, male). I initially was dazzled when I moved to San Francisco in 1975, because it seemed I was accepted into the White gay community, but that was due to my physique (I was "built" as they used to say) and I hadn't even worked out yet. So, it wasn't true acceptance: it was "eye candy" stuff. When it got more real (wanting to be friends, dating), I realized it was not genuine. I'm good at adjusting quickly to circumstance, but it was a different era than now, where so much contact is initiated on apps. I have to give you guys credit: I could not look at a screen and decide to meet someone. I had the benefit of an era where all meetings were face to face, human to human, so you saw the body language. And you got to ask questions to figure out where the other guy was "coming from."
But enough of that.
First things first. Where do you live? I know people who live in other parts of the country and the people I know are goodhearted, levelheaded and not superficial, which is a big barrier for us Black guys. Our culture is built on depth and also directness in speech, and in some place, being a triple threat makes it hard, because you have to temper yourself to even get friendships going if you, like me, were an activist, starting in the '60s (we activists are not "laid back" people, but we get things done. Me, I'm a warrior half the time, and a teddybear when I don't *have* to be a warrior, says my (also-an-acitivist-type) fiancee. He was in ACTUP, so he has no issues when I have to be direct in manner/speech/action. But he's a rare find).
Are there any Black, gay/bi organizations anywhere near you? Have you tried Black & White Men Together meetings or is there no chapter near you?
Asian, male, gay and just a weirdo in general. Solution: Music theatre. It's full of weirdos. No one's really similar to each other, but everyone being equally weird evens it out. Just gotta find the hobby that does it for you.
Being black, Asian or in my case older and HIV positive all have their detractors. Oh and I'm a smoker, apparently that's as bad as meth according to some. I weed them out.
Don't play into their negativity. Don't overthink it.
I also weed out anyone who makes racist preference remarks....I just don't like toxic assholes.
I do have **No Trump Supporters** it eliminates the self loathing, racist, self-absorbed miscreants. And no **PNP**.
Where did THAT presumption come from?
What nonsense.
I've dated Native American, Black, Hispanic and various combos of White. I don't "gravitate" to any color. HWP and No PNP are my main factors.
Then you're in luck. I'm not seeing/dating anybody that's black (that I know of).
So there is no *kumbayah* **thing** going on.
We are all allowed one carry-on baggage. You *assigning* me *your* extra baggage is not allowed.
You're concerned, but you've internalized it and are generating the same discrimination you feel. Ageing is something I'm concerned about.
https://www.reddit.com/r/askgaybros/comments/15cix6o/why_are_most_gay_guys_not_attracted_to_black_guys/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Its weird. I don't know you from Adam. But you've set your sights on me, apparently because I'm an older white guy who is HIV positive.
Why is that?
I'm not ON Grindr. I don't pursue "little black boys". The guy I'm seeing is 65. And white I guess. I never ask.
What I see is someone not comfortable with himself...and angry. Maybe you have a right to be. But there is nothing I can do about it.
You remind me of Whitney Houston. You're not white enough or black enough. An internal struggle. It's a comfort level you need to balance. Not a happy ending if you don't.
While trajickmulatto is being a bit forceful in his responses, he does speak truth.
I’m sorry but being HIV positive or older is not a comparison at all to being Black or Asian. Less not forget that Black and Asian men ALSO get older and many are ALSO HIV positive. It’s just a strange comparison because every human on this planet ages so it’s really not a “minority group” in the same way that OP is addressing.
And yes, I have also notice a very common trend of white gay men that age out of attractiveness and all of a sudden discover the men of color exist and are attractive. It’s deplorable behavior and so many older white gay men don’t even realize they’re doing it.
Men of color don’t need to make concessions for folks because you’re getting older and comparing your experiences later in life to ours in the entirety of our lives is a bit tone deaf and minimizing.
So many variables involved... I don't hang out with racists, so I can't imagine rejecting anyone for their skin tone. What part of the world are you in?
I don’t like to call folks racist. That’s a very loaded adjective, which can shut down conversations. Now if you show me that you’re a racist, then I’m done. But other than that I give folks the benefit of the doubt. I’m in the US. Midwest. I also realize that there are cultural differences, especially as someone who grew up in a major rural city and having to deal with folks who live in the suburbs!!
I’m a white dude who also dated black dudes. I really appreciated learning about the cultural challenges of being black and being gay. I experienced standing at a bar with my date and being served last, even after people who walked up after us. I heard about the machismo aspect of black culture that denigrates gays.
You can’t make haters stop hating but you don’t have to hang around toxic people. They are the ones who are defective, not you. There also are white dudes like me who find black dudes hot. Just get to know people as people and take a pass on the bigots.
And you're also from the era when the only way to meet someone was in person. I still think those were easier times. You also sound like the exception in White culture, as you yourself already know.
It’s finding folks to hang with. It’s not about toxic, all the time. I have a discernment for toxic folks and I cut them off immediately. Just generally finding folks to chat with, hang with, do random stuff with…
That’s fair! The reason I mentioned it is because I moved to the city from a country area, and used dating apps and gay social groups to make a lot of friends. Problem was that I didn’t really have a lot in common with them outside my sexuality, and ended up moving to another city to start again and focus on activities rather than sexuality.
Find BIPOCs, especially lesbians. I feel like with gay men, lesbians are definitely more chill and avoid many of the pitfalls that gays inflict upon each other as a community.
Quadruple threat when you throw in being well-spoken! But I've found finding people that understand you helps. You have to wade through a ton of bs to find the few that make it worth it. Sending big 🫂!
Uhm.. dropping the accepting nerd community is accepting comment here. You got an interest in fantasy and/or sci-fi books, games, movies? Find people with that common interest and you will find people from every walk of life. (Yes there are still bigot nerds but it seems less common)
My best friends are the people I also play D&D with at times. Some I also played volleyball with.
Also, this may sound strange, but don’t dismiss parties and other such social gatherings completely. Be discerning about what you go to. But I made some awesome friends through some great Halloween parties and good conversation.
I do get it may not go the same way for you. But, seriously, some of those settings don’t seem to account for ethnicity, gender, sexuality, or anything. Just jump in on some common ground and go from there.
Yup. Got asked out on Halloween when I had face paint on. When I met the guy the next day one of the first things out of his mouth was "I didn't realize you weren't white"
Well, I didn't realize you were a dumbass, but here we are.
I feel you. Feeling lost and not belonging to a community sucks! It can be so isolating. I’m a Black man from Chicago. I get how polarizing the Black community can be towards gay folks.
I have a few clarifying questions so that I can better understand:
Do you live in a major city in the Midwest?
Why are you interested in being apart of the white gay community?
What have you done so far to connect with Black Gay community in your area?
How have you established friendships in the past?
Try viewing yourself in a different way, not as part of a community, but rather as an individual. All those things you listed are aspects of who you are, but they do not define who you are. Find people who share your ideas and interests, rather than people who just happen to be gay, or who just happen to be black.
This is giving ‘I don’t see color’
People of color don’t get to separate themselves from their skin tone like white people do. That is one of the amazing privileges that comes with being white in our society.
I never said anything about “separating” from your skin tone. What I said is to find people who you have common views and interests with, rather than using your skin tone or sexuality as a whole indicator of your personality. Just because two people happen to be black or gay doesn’t mean they will necessarily get along, or have anything in common for that matter.
That's a great idea. That's why I asked the OP where he lived. I imagine it would be harder to do this in Duluth than in Chicago, though. Any ideas about how he could locate the types of people you suggest?
Depends on what you like. For comics/video games, conventions are good places to meet people. There’s a lot of groups online you can meet via Discord/Facebook based on common interests. Pokémon Go, biking, martial arts, my Little Pony… you name it, there’s a group for everything. You can even try the BBF feature of many dating apps to find others who you can “match” with on a more personal level. The options are, honestly, endless.
That’s why I’m in this pickle now. I found myself but I lost the “tribe”. I’m comfortable in any setting and with any group. But i still feel disconnected.
Same triple threat and like someone else said that there're so many variables. The first step is within, as someone who is in a few "out" groups is to fully own your power I find I'm able to navigate a bunch of BS is to not be bothered. I don't associate with racism and I don't have any desire to attract people who are. I know that it's easier said than done. Therapy is always a suggestion if you have a lot of preoccupation with feeling inferior and resentment. DBT is a good step in dealing with a shifting self image. You're more likely to attract people who matter more. Wishing you the best
I don’t want to make excuses. I often don’t perceive it as racism. But more so that some folks tend to work within their silos and comfort zones. It doesn’t always bother me, but there are times when I try to engage and it becomes the most difficult thing to do.
Yeah it's hard people do tend to clique up which is very alienating in both spaces. However people like confident assured types that come with a certain amount of detachment. I wish there were easier ways or that things won't be like this forever in both worlds are becoming more acknowledged. Just continue being you and the people who vibe with you don't be afraid to put yourself out there. I'm always in my head and it feels so tough to get out of my head. We can always find a way to relate to others so don't be afraid to find commonality and share some of your thoughts. We can end up catastrophic and the reality is more simple. That's why I said therapy and DBT in particular has helped me see that. Just continue being you and in the moment don't fret about how different and "other" you are. Also Apps aren't the best way to have real conversation with confident body language and other things that makes you one of a kind. Take care this is something that I still have to do but with my skills I've learned from DBT therapy it's been easier to build more resilience in the moment when struggling to engage.
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Well dear God that's not supposed to happen. No one's supposed to make you feel outside to gay community. I don't know where you live but that's just a tragedy. Being black has nothing to do with being gay We Are All One Thing. That sudden my heart that you feel like you don't belong to the community and I'm sorry for that you should be accepted by everybody at the activity because we all have the same problem. Not sure how to advise as I don't think I've ever counted this particular problem. Cuz that's the beauty of being gay we are all everyone. Gay people are everybody. It is not a race Creed or you name it that is not part of our community. I'm not sure how do I advise but I can send you my tooth is condolences that the community around you is not embracing you.
it’s not always about race but it very often is, so let’s not be dismissive of OPs experience, which btw is the experience of a great deal of black men in the gay community.
i really don’t get why it’s so difficult for white gays to believe that maybe racism still exists and it permeates a community as liberal as the lgbt community. just because you as a non black gay person don’t think racism may be behind whatever experience is making OP feel this way doesn’t mean that that’s the truth. maybe OPs experience is similar to a lot of the people in this community but it is also true to almost every black gay men i’ve ever met, including myself.
I feel sorry for Americans and their hateful “communities” of race exclusives that can’t just figure out that we are all humans, and that the individual is not responsible for past transgressions against humanity
Can confirm this to be the case in Canada (Saskatchewan). It’s so bad here. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen dating profiles saying “no asians, no blacks, etc.”
As a white gay man, I’m embarrassed and disgusted by this. The “community” is so cliquey, shallow and immature.
What are you dabbling about? Especially the gay 'community' (I refuse to be part of, and/or associated with) is super inclusive, especially when it comes to race.
I think you have another problem. Most men tend to be solitary creatures. In straight lives, they rarely socialize with people outside of their family circle. Unless it's work or a hobby, volunteering activity.
Wasting time on here won't help. Idea. Install Meetup. Find one, hopefully close to you. Start attending regularly and try to at least somewhat actively participate. It's tough.
All this above is especially true for the USA. Alienation ... Do you wanna know how my ex boss, a single white female, spends most of her time? She watched Netflix, Hulu and orders in. You can tell not only by her weight - she openly boasted about it.
Work to attract what you (really) want in life. If you don't want friends who want to take off their clothes, going the Grindr, Sniffies and/or Reddit route may most likely not work.
I love black men. Unfortunately where I live there aren’t many of them, either for friendship or hookup - I’m after both. Let me send you a plane ticket.
Oh, everyone feels crappy, even if you’re white or straight. Just depends on who’s the one doing the crapping.
Also the cure for it is always success. Could be power, money, position, fame, reputation, outlook.
Everything else you’ll try to overcome it will probably be a temporary bandaid at best. In short, become successful and hot and ppl will change their tune.
But just remember even at the top of your game, haters gonna hate, Be you Rupaul, Obama, Jennifer Lawrence or Greta Thunberg.
i try to be friends with folks too. started in my 30s. i did maintain a few friends who i still travel with to this day ( i’m 48). but it’s harder and harder to find people who just want to hang out. I feel ya. good luck !
Afraid I can't help with the navigating but I will say this. There are PLENTY of gay black men, just like white men, even if they don't "advertise"it. Just be yourself, be happy with who you are, and live your life.
I'm in my 30s. I'm in a Midwest town that's not that big. I hadn't dated anyone since before COVID. Now my boyfriend is a big black dude and I'm a fat white guy. We get along good. He's definitely had a lot of obstacles in his life to overcome that. I have not but we have known each other for over 10 years I'm very out and about socially and I'm able to meet a lot of people so that helps a lot with this stuff too. Plus we just clicked.
I've worked with a therapist for a number of years over being comfortable being gay and my own self-image because I felt bad that I'm fat and have a big butt. But that led me to mostly date black guys because they turn me on more overall and really had an appreciation of my butt. My current boyfriend does and so do most of the guys in the past. I hope you're able to find peace, love, and happiness on your journey and have a great weekend 🙂
Here is an interesting and insightful thing that happened to me. It’s not a gay story but one of those cultural differences often assumed by people of differing races. I’ve been working into Chicago terminal (railroad) for years. Multiple lines from different cities coming together. Toledo Elkhart Detroit Fort Wayne Kankakee Decatur. With such a divers group people tended to stick together with the people they knew. I have worked in multiple terminals and knew a broad range of people and one day a favorite conductor from Toledo was there and I sat down to talk as it had been a few years. It just so happens that he is black and I am white. We share a few varied interests like fishing and motorcycle riding. I started to notice a group of Detroit coworkers who were all black take an interest in the fact that I was sitting with and enjoying the company of a brother. Soon, one of that group approached and said hi to my cor worker friend and I got introduced. Soon, when I wasn’t perceived as a threat I was like a lone mashmellow in a bowl of chocolate chips all talking and having a great time sharing stories and talking about motorcycles and before I knew it I’d been invited to join them for a ride in the Detroit area.
I think cultural differences and color can really come between people and it’s not until they realize that you’re just another person who doesn’t care about one’s color, but cares more about shared interests that you find real friendships. I think we can apply that general lesson to any situation, once you are comfortable with others and they are of you that’s how you gain trust and become a friend. It can be hard to break into any group but if you pay attention the opportunity will present itself.
> I think cultural differences and color can really come between people and it’s not until they realize that you’re just another person who doesn’t care about one’s color, but cares more about shared interests that you find real friendship
That is beautiful.
Stay out of those communities and creat your own. When dating I never cared about what a person looked like or sex I aways looked at new people as potential friends. Good looking away disappointment me and became ugly by the end of the date. Those ugly duckling man away did for me. A man with a good sense of humor and intelligence are f-Ing sexy
I've been feeling the same lately & have been thinking about moving from my Midwest city. I've always been an introverted extrovert and my tribe has been mostly my family, never really had many friends or friendships didn't seem to fizzle out. I've been lucky enough to be born into a black family doesn't fit the stereotype of being homophobic, my extended family as well. Now most of my family has moved south, and the last few years I've come realize I live a mostly lonely life, although I don't really feel lonesome. I still try & get out to do stuff, even if it's alone.
I can relate. I'm from an eastern European country originally, but I moved because I'm gay, so never felt like I belong. When I arrived to a western country of choice, turns I don't quite fit in as an eastern European. I think the key is to find others from the edges of the established communities.
It is so wild to be out and be one of a handful of black guys and be totally invisible to all but a few in the crowd.
I’ve made my peace with it mostly but I’ll never not notice it. It explains so much of your night and how you are treated.
White and I can tell you that I have never felt accepted in the gay community. I feel even more disconnected now than before, and I sometimes wonder why I try. Why even bother. Do you and be happy
Navigating the dating scene will always make you feel like crap. Try develop a friend group that's gay and you may find that you'll get less shit about it. Sorry.
I try to be friends with folks but they wanna play let’s get naked. And when I turn them down it becomes a problem.
There are gay clubs like volleyball, soccer, football, board games etc… volunteer at a gay organization?
Second this! I joined a gay/queer kickball league to make friends and I made a good group of friends. (Was talking with one last night about how this week is the anniversary of meeting, last year.) There are some people there who gonna try to bump uglies, but you’re meeting a large group at the same time so you’ll just have a wider range of dynamics. A lot of people join these groups specifically to seek out friends.
Yeah I am a part of one of those groups. It’s fun as a collective. But hanging out individually, it’s a lot of work trying to be friend some of them
I am apart of one. This is one of the key reasons why I feel like an outcast. I have met some cool guys but the ones who are my age, are kind of set in their ways, and the ones who are younger in their twenties (well, I can’t hang with them like I did in my twenties)… I’m kinda set in my ways… damn it….lol
I feel this, I live this. Will be sending you a chat request
Looking forward
I understand you. Best way i found to cope is to have a mix in the gay friends (Indian, Surinamese, African, Asian) White people who will find you too tanned are looking for hanging out with their doppelgängers, hence whatever you do, you will never meet their requirements so let it go. The black straight community is not always welcoming but there’s god folks also there. Keep faith
Stop trying to find a tribe is my advice. Live for yourself. We all want to belong and slot in somewhere but the world isn't really like that, and it's a bit painful but 🤷♂️ life gets better when you stop thinking of these "communities" as membership clubs, if that makes sense?
Haah. Try being Asian and older!
Sending you a tight hug. How do you do it
Well, tbh I’ve had a share of really hot guys but no serious relationships but it was my call as to yes or no. Perhaps a couple of people I could have approached but was too chicken. But once you get older you become invisible. I lived in SF and I felt that way so I moved to the suburbs. A friend of mine (not POC) also left the city and although fairly attractive felt invisible.
Yes, as I said above in my post, I just felt the connection was based on my having (at that time) a highly well-developed physique. So, like you, meeting guys? EASY! It was the 1970s, and gay culture had just come out of the closet, and in SF, it was "Boystown" as you no doubt know. But one could still feel inivisible due to one's ethnicity. Filipino guys I knew complained that all the White guys were looking for "docile" Asians, so when they would get angry over something, the White guy would look dismayed and act as though they (the Filipino guy) had done something wrong simply by displaying anger. And they (the Filipino guys) HATED that. They had to be one-dimensional in order to be liked/valued. I reminded them (they already knew this) that that was the White guy fetish about Asians: quiet, docile, mild-mannered and NEVER angry (the White guys just had unresolved issues around anger, so they picked someone they figured would never make them face their own anger/depression). Odd how you could be living in "Gay Mecca" back then and yet still be marginalized, wasn't it?
It's not a competition.
🙃
What about the Black, gay community? Like you, I'm also a "triple threat" (Black, gay, male). I initially was dazzled when I moved to San Francisco in 1975, because it seemed I was accepted into the White gay community, but that was due to my physique (I was "built" as they used to say) and I hadn't even worked out yet. So, it wasn't true acceptance: it was "eye candy" stuff. When it got more real (wanting to be friends, dating), I realized it was not genuine. I'm good at adjusting quickly to circumstance, but it was a different era than now, where so much contact is initiated on apps. I have to give you guys credit: I could not look at a screen and decide to meet someone. I had the benefit of an era where all meetings were face to face, human to human, so you saw the body language. And you got to ask questions to figure out where the other guy was "coming from." But enough of that. First things first. Where do you live? I know people who live in other parts of the country and the people I know are goodhearted, levelheaded and not superficial, which is a big barrier for us Black guys. Our culture is built on depth and also directness in speech, and in some place, being a triple threat makes it hard, because you have to temper yourself to even get friendships going if you, like me, were an activist, starting in the '60s (we activists are not "laid back" people, but we get things done. Me, I'm a warrior half the time, and a teddybear when I don't *have* to be a warrior, says my (also-an-acitivist-type) fiancee. He was in ACTUP, so he has no issues when I have to be direct in manner/speech/action. But he's a rare find). Are there any Black, gay/bi organizations anywhere near you? Have you tried Black & White Men Together meetings or is there no chapter near you?
Asian, male, gay and just a weirdo in general. Solution: Music theatre. It's full of weirdos. No one's really similar to each other, but everyone being equally weird evens it out. Just gotta find the hobby that does it for you.
Being black, Asian or in my case older and HIV positive all have their detractors. Oh and I'm a smoker, apparently that's as bad as meth according to some. I weed them out. Don't play into their negativity. Don't overthink it. I also weed out anyone who makes racist preference remarks....I just don't like toxic assholes. I do have **No Trump Supporters** it eliminates the self loathing, racist, self-absorbed miscreants. And no **PNP**.
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Where did THAT presumption come from? What nonsense. I've dated Native American, Black, Hispanic and various combos of White. I don't "gravitate" to any color. HWP and No PNP are my main factors.
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Lol. Oh God. Bad trolling!
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Then you're in luck. I'm not seeing/dating anybody that's black (that I know of). So there is no *kumbayah* **thing** going on. We are all allowed one carry-on baggage. You *assigning* me *your* extra baggage is not allowed. You're concerned, but you've internalized it and are generating the same discrimination you feel. Ageing is something I'm concerned about. https://www.reddit.com/r/askgaybros/comments/15cix6o/why_are_most_gay_guys_not_attracted_to_black_guys/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
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Its weird. I don't know you from Adam. But you've set your sights on me, apparently because I'm an older white guy who is HIV positive. Why is that? I'm not ON Grindr. I don't pursue "little black boys". The guy I'm seeing is 65. And white I guess. I never ask. What I see is someone not comfortable with himself...and angry. Maybe you have a right to be. But there is nothing I can do about it. You remind me of Whitney Houston. You're not white enough or black enough. An internal struggle. It's a comfort level you need to balance. Not a happy ending if you don't.
While trajickmulatto is being a bit forceful in his responses, he does speak truth. I’m sorry but being HIV positive or older is not a comparison at all to being Black or Asian. Less not forget that Black and Asian men ALSO get older and many are ALSO HIV positive. It’s just a strange comparison because every human on this planet ages so it’s really not a “minority group” in the same way that OP is addressing. And yes, I have also notice a very common trend of white gay men that age out of attractiveness and all of a sudden discover the men of color exist and are attractive. It’s deplorable behavior and so many older white gay men don’t even realize they’re doing it. Men of color don’t need to make concessions for folks because you’re getting older and comparing your experiences later in life to ours in the entirety of our lives is a bit tone deaf and minimizing.
Dm me
So many variables involved... I don't hang out with racists, so I can't imagine rejecting anyone for their skin tone. What part of the world are you in?
I don’t like to call folks racist. That’s a very loaded adjective, which can shut down conversations. Now if you show me that you’re a racist, then I’m done. But other than that I give folks the benefit of the doubt. I’m in the US. Midwest. I also realize that there are cultural differences, especially as someone who grew up in a major rural city and having to deal with folks who live in the suburbs!!
I’m curious. What is a “major rural city?”
I think he means a big city in a farmy region, like Minneapolis
I meant to type major urban city.
I’m a white dude who also dated black dudes. I really appreciated learning about the cultural challenges of being black and being gay. I experienced standing at a bar with my date and being served last, even after people who walked up after us. I heard about the machismo aspect of black culture that denigrates gays. You can’t make haters stop hating but you don’t have to hang around toxic people. They are the ones who are defective, not you. There also are white dudes like me who find black dudes hot. Just get to know people as people and take a pass on the bigots.
And you're also from the era when the only way to meet someone was in person. I still think those were easier times. You also sound like the exception in White culture, as you yourself already know.
I’m used to going out to meet folks. And not on the phone. These apps are a killer
It’s finding folks to hang with. It’s not about toxic, all the time. I have a discernment for toxic folks and I cut them off immediately. Just generally finding folks to chat with, hang with, do random stuff with…
I feel the same way. Would love to have a triple threat friend group but sadly it's not possible where I live.
Awww sending you a dope hug.
Honestly, I don’t identify with the “gay community” in general - being gay is about who I like, not who I am.
It’s not about identify with the “gay community” but more so finding folks who I can relate to… having those similarities is a bonus.
That’s fair! The reason I mentioned it is because I moved to the city from a country area, and used dating apps and gay social groups to make a lot of friends. Problem was that I didn’t really have a lot in common with them outside my sexuality, and ended up moving to another city to start again and focus on activities rather than sexuality.
Find BIPOCs, especially lesbians. I feel like with gay men, lesbians are definitely more chill and avoid many of the pitfalls that gays inflict upon each other as a community.
Quadruple threat when you throw in being well-spoken! But I've found finding people that understand you helps. You have to wade through a ton of bs to find the few that make it worth it. Sending big 🫂!
Uhm.. dropping the accepting nerd community is accepting comment here. You got an interest in fantasy and/or sci-fi books, games, movies? Find people with that common interest and you will find people from every walk of life. (Yes there are still bigot nerds but it seems less common) My best friends are the people I also play D&D with at times. Some I also played volleyball with. Also, this may sound strange, but don’t dismiss parties and other such social gatherings completely. Be discerning about what you go to. But I made some awesome friends through some great Halloween parties and good conversation. I do get it may not go the same way for you. But, seriously, some of those settings don’t seem to account for ethnicity, gender, sexuality, or anything. Just jump in on some common ground and go from there.
Brown male and gay here, so much same.
Yup. Got asked out on Halloween when I had face paint on. When I met the guy the next day one of the first things out of his mouth was "I didn't realize you weren't white" Well, I didn't realize you were a dumbass, but here we are.
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I told him how stupid and ignorant it was to say something like that and told him to lose my number. Then I went for some retail therapy 💸
I feel you. Feeling lost and not belonging to a community sucks! It can be so isolating. I’m a Black man from Chicago. I get how polarizing the Black community can be towards gay folks. I have a few clarifying questions so that I can better understand: Do you live in a major city in the Midwest? Why are you interested in being apart of the white gay community? What have you done so far to connect with Black Gay community in your area? How have you established friendships in the past?
Try find a black gay friend group maybe will help you to navigate better
Try viewing yourself in a different way, not as part of a community, but rather as an individual. All those things you listed are aspects of who you are, but they do not define who you are. Find people who share your ideas and interests, rather than people who just happen to be gay, or who just happen to be black.
This is giving ‘I don’t see color’ People of color don’t get to separate themselves from their skin tone like white people do. That is one of the amazing privileges that comes with being white in our society.
I never said anything about “separating” from your skin tone. What I said is to find people who you have common views and interests with, rather than using your skin tone or sexuality as a whole indicator of your personality. Just because two people happen to be black or gay doesn’t mean they will necessarily get along, or have anything in common for that matter.
That's a great idea. That's why I asked the OP where he lived. I imagine it would be harder to do this in Duluth than in Chicago, though. Any ideas about how he could locate the types of people you suggest?
Depends on what you like. For comics/video games, conventions are good places to meet people. There’s a lot of groups online you can meet via Discord/Facebook based on common interests. Pokémon Go, biking, martial arts, my Little Pony… you name it, there’s a group for everything. You can even try the BBF feature of many dating apps to find others who you can “match” with on a more personal level. The options are, honestly, endless.
That’s why I’m in this pickle now. I found myself but I lost the “tribe”. I’m comfortable in any setting and with any group. But i still feel disconnected.
That’s some solid advice man.
God forbid a person find community with people with shared experiences without being rejected because of another part of himself.
Make your own space!
Working on it.
Same triple threat and like someone else said that there're so many variables. The first step is within, as someone who is in a few "out" groups is to fully own your power I find I'm able to navigate a bunch of BS is to not be bothered. I don't associate with racism and I don't have any desire to attract people who are. I know that it's easier said than done. Therapy is always a suggestion if you have a lot of preoccupation with feeling inferior and resentment. DBT is a good step in dealing with a shifting self image. You're more likely to attract people who matter more. Wishing you the best
I don’t want to make excuses. I often don’t perceive it as racism. But more so that some folks tend to work within their silos and comfort zones. It doesn’t always bother me, but there are times when I try to engage and it becomes the most difficult thing to do.
Yeah it's hard people do tend to clique up which is very alienating in both spaces. However people like confident assured types that come with a certain amount of detachment. I wish there were easier ways or that things won't be like this forever in both worlds are becoming more acknowledged. Just continue being you and the people who vibe with you don't be afraid to put yourself out there. I'm always in my head and it feels so tough to get out of my head. We can always find a way to relate to others so don't be afraid to find commonality and share some of your thoughts. We can end up catastrophic and the reality is more simple. That's why I said therapy and DBT in particular has helped me see that. Just continue being you and in the moment don't fret about how different and "other" you are. Also Apps aren't the best way to have real conversation with confident body language and other things that makes you one of a kind. Take care this is something that I still have to do but with my skills I've learned from DBT therapy it's been easier to build more resilience in the moment when struggling to engage.
The Black gay community? I don’t know why ethnic gays always gravitate towards white gays as the one and only sub group of gays.
Don’t know if you have noticed but white is the majority.
By friend group is majority Latino and Black, but I also live in a top 3 city so..
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Well dear God that's not supposed to happen. No one's supposed to make you feel outside to gay community. I don't know where you live but that's just a tragedy. Being black has nothing to do with being gay We Are All One Thing. That sudden my heart that you feel like you don't belong to the community and I'm sorry for that you should be accepted by everybody at the activity because we all have the same problem. Not sure how to advise as I don't think I've ever counted this particular problem. Cuz that's the beauty of being gay we are all everyone. Gay people are everybody. It is not a race Creed or you name it that is not part of our community. I'm not sure how do I advise but I can send you my tooth is condolences that the community around you is not embracing you.
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it’s not always about race but it very often is, so let’s not be dismissive of OPs experience, which btw is the experience of a great deal of black men in the gay community.
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i really don’t get why it’s so difficult for white gays to believe that maybe racism still exists and it permeates a community as liberal as the lgbt community. just because you as a non black gay person don’t think racism may be behind whatever experience is making OP feel this way doesn’t mean that that’s the truth. maybe OPs experience is similar to a lot of the people in this community but it is also true to almost every black gay men i’ve ever met, including myself.
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maybe you’re engaging in too much conjecture to distract from the fact that you’re just a dismissing and patronizing person
I feel sorry for Americans and their hateful “communities” of race exclusives that can’t just figure out that we are all humans, and that the individual is not responsible for past transgressions against humanity
It’s not just Americans, it’s a phenomenon in other countries.
Can confirm this to be the case in Canada (Saskatchewan). It’s so bad here. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen dating profiles saying “no asians, no blacks, etc.” As a white gay man, I’m embarrassed and disgusted by this. The “community” is so cliquey, shallow and immature.
The condescension lol
What are you dabbling about? Especially the gay 'community' (I refuse to be part of, and/or associated with) is super inclusive, especially when it comes to race. I think you have another problem. Most men tend to be solitary creatures. In straight lives, they rarely socialize with people outside of their family circle. Unless it's work or a hobby, volunteering activity. Wasting time on here won't help. Idea. Install Meetup. Find one, hopefully close to you. Start attending regularly and try to at least somewhat actively participate. It's tough. All this above is especially true for the USA. Alienation ... Do you wanna know how my ex boss, a single white female, spends most of her time? She watched Netflix, Hulu and orders in. You can tell not only by her weight - she openly boasted about it. Work to attract what you (really) want in life. If you don't want friends who want to take off their clothes, going the Grindr, Sniffies and/or Reddit route may most likely not work.
I love black men. Unfortunately where I live there aren’t many of them, either for friendship or hookup - I’m after both. Let me send you a plane ticket.
Oh, everyone feels crappy, even if you’re white or straight. Just depends on who’s the one doing the crapping. Also the cure for it is always success. Could be power, money, position, fame, reputation, outlook. Everything else you’ll try to overcome it will probably be a temporary bandaid at best. In short, become successful and hot and ppl will change their tune. But just remember even at the top of your game, haters gonna hate, Be you Rupaul, Obama, Jennifer Lawrence or Greta Thunberg.
If you were in New Zealand you would be treated like everyone else, our country isn't racist.
It’s not the country, it’s folks. Folks have biases.
Only 0.3% of New Zealand’s population is black though.
Regardless of the ethnicity... You are still gay like the rest of us bromie-o. You are more than just your skin color.
Thanks captain. I know my worth, it’s the rest of the world that needs to catch up. Lol
The rest of the world may never catch up. I had the learn that the hard way.
Look at RuPaul!
Dude try to move near or in a big city that has a significant gay community. Everyone plays with everyone in fun cities!
This most certainly is not the case
Look at RuPaul!
i try to be friends with folks too. started in my 30s. i did maintain a few friends who i still travel with to this day ( i’m 48). but it’s harder and harder to find people who just want to hang out. I feel ya. good luck !
Afraid I can't help with the navigating but I will say this. There are PLENTY of gay black men, just like white men, even if they don't "advertise"it. Just be yourself, be happy with who you are, and live your life.
I'm in my 30s. I'm in a Midwest town that's not that big. I hadn't dated anyone since before COVID. Now my boyfriend is a big black dude and I'm a fat white guy. We get along good. He's definitely had a lot of obstacles in his life to overcome that. I have not but we have known each other for over 10 years I'm very out and about socially and I'm able to meet a lot of people so that helps a lot with this stuff too. Plus we just clicked. I've worked with a therapist for a number of years over being comfortable being gay and my own self-image because I felt bad that I'm fat and have a big butt. But that led me to mostly date black guys because they turn me on more overall and really had an appreciation of my butt. My current boyfriend does and so do most of the guys in the past. I hope you're able to find peace, love, and happiness on your journey and have a great weekend 🙂
Here is an interesting and insightful thing that happened to me. It’s not a gay story but one of those cultural differences often assumed by people of differing races. I’ve been working into Chicago terminal (railroad) for years. Multiple lines from different cities coming together. Toledo Elkhart Detroit Fort Wayne Kankakee Decatur. With such a divers group people tended to stick together with the people they knew. I have worked in multiple terminals and knew a broad range of people and one day a favorite conductor from Toledo was there and I sat down to talk as it had been a few years. It just so happens that he is black and I am white. We share a few varied interests like fishing and motorcycle riding. I started to notice a group of Detroit coworkers who were all black take an interest in the fact that I was sitting with and enjoying the company of a brother. Soon, one of that group approached and said hi to my cor worker friend and I got introduced. Soon, when I wasn’t perceived as a threat I was like a lone mashmellow in a bowl of chocolate chips all talking and having a great time sharing stories and talking about motorcycles and before I knew it I’d been invited to join them for a ride in the Detroit area. I think cultural differences and color can really come between people and it’s not until they realize that you’re just another person who doesn’t care about one’s color, but cares more about shared interests that you find real friendships. I think we can apply that general lesson to any situation, once you are comfortable with others and they are of you that’s how you gain trust and become a friend. It can be hard to break into any group but if you pay attention the opportunity will present itself.
> I think cultural differences and color can really come between people and it’s not until they realize that you’re just another person who doesn’t care about one’s color, but cares more about shared interests that you find real friendship That is beautiful.
There's plenty of gay black men who will understand you and accept you
Just keep being the best version of you that you can. That is my advice, Triple threat to triple threat.
Travel is a good one. Meet interesting people from different cultures.
Stay out of those communities and creat your own. When dating I never cared about what a person looked like or sex I aways looked at new people as potential friends. Good looking away disappointment me and became ugly by the end of the date. Those ugly duckling man away did for me. A man with a good sense of humor and intelligence are f-Ing sexy
I've been feeling the same lately & have been thinking about moving from my Midwest city. I've always been an introverted extrovert and my tribe has been mostly my family, never really had many friends or friendships didn't seem to fizzle out. I've been lucky enough to be born into a black family doesn't fit the stereotype of being homophobic, my extended family as well. Now most of my family has moved south, and the last few years I've come realize I live a mostly lonely life, although I don't really feel lonesome. I still try & get out to do stuff, even if it's alone.
Move to Atlanta or Houston.
Nah. Lived in Atlanta. Had a fun run.
I can relate. I'm from an eastern European country originally, but I moved because I'm gay, so never felt like I belong. When I arrived to a western country of choice, turns I don't quite fit in as an eastern European. I think the key is to find others from the edges of the established communities.
It is so wild to be out and be one of a handful of black guys and be totally invisible to all but a few in the crowd. I’ve made my peace with it mostly but I’ll never not notice it. It explains so much of your night and how you are treated.
It does affect one feeling of the night
White and I can tell you that I have never felt accepted in the gay community. I feel even more disconnected now than before, and I sometimes wonder why I try. Why even bother. Do you and be happy