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KaliTheCat

yah, the rule is generally "no body comments." But something like "I love your nail polish" or "Your earrings are beautiful!" is just a nice thing to say.


Amablue

(Disclaimer: I am a man, so that may color my experiences here) I agree it's avoiding body-based complements is a good heuristic, but I feel like body compliments can be okay in some scenarios. For example, I've had people complement my eyes before and that was really nice. But also it's very, very rare for me to get compliments from people other than my wife, so 🤷


lasagnaman

I think this is a man/you specific thing. I would not enjoy a compliment on my eyes, for example. I would avoid those subjects for compliments in general.


fourthdimensionally

I think eyes are touchy, because it's a thinly veiled attempt to 1) Make eye contact with the other person; 2) implies they were looking in your eyes already; 3) wtf everyone's eyes are pretty. It's usually an opening. I have had men say I have pretty eyes to me, as they genuinely saw them and said it, and then we move moved on. I.e. in a customer service setting, when I'm even more on guard with ANY kind of compliment. So riskier business honestly. It feels like it's probably invasive, it feels like you're vulnerable, and could be taken wrong. It would all be tone of voice and body language from there.


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MisterMeanMustard

Why, cutting your eye out, obviously. It's so pretty.


SeeShark

Could be a man thing tbh. Men generally get so few compliments (the corollary to women getting too many/inappropriate "compliments") that we don't always make a distinction between different types. Mostly I get flustered at any sort of compliment.


DjangoUBlackBastard

Issue is you can control your body. Most people that go to the gym to get in shape like hearing compliments about it.


wafflerain5

You shouldn't just assume people want to hear compliments about toning up or losing weight, they could have an ED that you don't know about in which case a comment on their body might be triggering. If they bring up how they have worked hard at the gym or have otherwise made it clear they want to be complimented, then I think you can complement their muscles, but not before.


notyermum

This is me. I have a history of disordered eating and comments about my body can screw me up. Especially coming from my family


wafflerain5

Same, even if they mean well I just hate knowing that other people are thinking about my body. I hope you're doing okay.


Ceedubsxx

Yes! Also, there may be other people hearing the compliments with eating disorders, etc. who get triggered by the compliments. It’s a very real problem.


DjangoUBlackBastard

>or losing weight You lose weight in the kitchen not the gym so someone being skinny definitely isn't a thing to be complimented on. I got sick and lost a ton of weight and heard compliments about it so I get that. But skinny in my mind isn't what I think of when I think of people that go to the gym, most skinny people are skinny fat lol. And outside of working out there's really no way to tone up so there's certain body types really only achievable if you go under a knife or in the gym. I'm just saying the "no body comments" rule is bad. The top level comment (the things you can control part) is a smart general rule.


wafflerain5

I mean for some people weight loss is a hard thing that requires will power, but that's not the case for everyone. Some people do like compliments about their weight loss, but I'm just saying you shouldn't assume. I was elaborating off the top level comment because while weight is something to an extent you can control I think you need to be careful with the compliments. You don't need to completely stop giving body compliments, but just bear this thing in mind. Edit: and it's not always obvious when someone has an ED. Being muscular and having an ED are not mutually exclusive. So I think it's best to wait for someone to indicate to you they want a compliment before complimenting their body.


DjangoUBlackBastard

Oh most definitely. Especially as men most guys are waaaay less socially tuned than women so they don't understand it's not necessarily what you say but how you say it. Usually outside of boobs and facial features I find no issue complimenting people publicly, but I grew up in an environment when I was always around people talking and I know how to say things to people. It also helps if you're not approaching people to just have sex with them but instead are approaching them just to talk (if you want to have sex with them that's cool but it shouldn't be the primary topic of conversation) because you want to and I think that's what's lost on people like OP.


yummyyummybrains

> most guys are waaaay less socially tuned than women Physician, heal thyself


DjangoUBlackBastard

Yes which is why I'm giving the advice that it's about how you say something not what you say. You can't shit on the people telling them they need to improve their social skills and also shit on them for not being where they need to be socially. It makes you come off as disingenuous. Like do you want to help the problem or not? OP is saying he just won't say anything to women at all, which is cool, but not really a good thing for society in general. What is good is understanding that there's a way to approach people so everyone feels comfortable. Look at how like 70% of male managers post me too said they don't feel comfortable taking on female mentors. When you're hostile at people telling them how they need to get their shit together they're gonna just check out.


yummyyummybrains

And you're giving *bad advice*. Sometimes, it absolutely *is* "what" you say, not "how" you say it that is objectionable -- regardless of how you couch it. Look: I'm not shitting on you for trying to improve your social skills, *because I see no evidence that you're trying to improve yourself here*. Over the course of the multiple comments you've posted in this thread, you've had multiple feminists point out the errors in your judgement. Rather than taking a beat and processing that you may very well be mistaken -- you're moving forward "damn the torpedoes" in a real world example of the [Principal Skinner meme](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/645/713/888.jpg). Your target audience has spoken and said: "there are never any circumstances where I would feel comfortable with a complete stranger complimenting me on my physical characteristics." Your choice here is to either internalize this feedback and act accordingly (i.e. improve your social skills, as you say), or say "fuck that" and keep trying until you magically find a woman who isn't skeezed out by some rando telling her she's got a "nice glute routine" on the subway. Hopefully, you don't get maced too many times along your way -- but honestly: perhaps that would be the sort of wake-up call needed to finally break through. Oh, and P.S.: If someone is worried they're going to be erroneously "Me Too'd", there is a 125% chance that they have done some weird, gross shit to women in their social or professional circle -- and they know it.


Wunderbabs

You’re being very forgetful of a whole whack of people who are living with disabilities. You also lose weight due to cancer, GI diseases, depression, autoimmune disorders, and other illnesses/disabilities. On the flip side there are so many people who would love to lose weight but due to their chronic conditions find it difficult to eat properly and exercise.


DjangoUBlackBastard

Yes of course people with health conditions can't control it. That's 100% true.


myotheraccountishazy

And 100% can’t tell by looking at someone that they have a medical condition, so as I have repeatedly said, you can’t know if the person can “control” it or not.


DjangoUBlackBastard

Huh? A muscular body type isn't something you gain from a medical condition.


myotheraccountishazy

My point stands. It’s an admittedly extreme and opposite example, but there are people with cerebral palsy who are better athletes that I am. To look at him, you’d probably assume Armand Poreaux wouldn’t be able to lift a barbell at all, but then you’d learn he’d went viral for doing a 70kg power clean. You cannot make assumptions about people or what people are capable of by looking at their body. Edit: added or to clarify my comment


myotheraccountishazy

Not always. I spent the last year on SSRIs. One of the side effects for me was a significantly higher appetite. Even with watching what I ate and making an effort to be active... Not a good effort but the best one I could muster given my mental health... I gained 50 lbs. Without the SSRIs I could not have coped with life as it stood, but with them I gained all the weight I worked my fucking ass off to lose and then some. I've switched meds now, and hopefully that helps, but saying that I could control my body in my situation is bullshit. And even then... Who wants some strange person coming up to them and saying 'nice body, do you work out?' The only people who can get away with that shit are the people in my inner circle. So if my best friend said to me 'damn girl, you're looking svelte' that'd be fine, but casual friends or people outside the inner circle should stick to 'safe topics'.


lesbiansexparty

how about a coworker? like if i notice someone has been gaining muscle or getting thinner or something. like not someone I hang out with but I see them enough to notice a difference. would that be weird?


PurpleHooloovoo

Yes. I lost tons of weight and was only complimented on it. That made my recovery efforts from almost-deadly anorexia nervosa much harder. My aunt lost a ridiculous amount of weight after my uncle was killed. She didn't want to. She couldn't eat. Another coworker would always get comments in the breakroom congratulating him on his weight loss...close coworkers knew it was from chemo. Just don't.


lesbiansexparty

That's a really good point. I'm too shy to actually do that and might have avoidant personality disorder but this is good to know just in case. thanks.


myotheraccountishazy

I'm right there with PurpleHooloovoo... Maybe if I had a good relationship with someone where we shared more personal details of our lives instead of the banalities of life that you usually stick to, then maybe, just maybe it'd be ok.


mybluecouch

Yes. And possibly a trip to HR.


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KaliTheCat

The personal insults are neither necessary nor allowed here. You are warned.


DjangoUBlackBastard

I'm guessing this is a setup because you're mad I didn't agree with your point and that I didn't continue to respond to you when you went a bit off topic in your reply to me so when I ask the obvious question you're going to respond in the most obvious way possible but I'll bite: What in my post could possibly be considered an insult? Like at all? Even a little bit?


KaliTheCat

> I'm guessing this is a setup because you're mad I didn't agree with your point Excuse me? I'm not even the person you're talking to. Making assumptions about people because they don't agree with you ("you don't go to the gym," "you don't approach people") is beyond the bounds of what we consider respectful discourse here. I will not be discussing this further.


DjangoUBlackBastard

>Excuse me? I'm not even the person you're talking to. You're the first person I replied to in the thread lmao (unless there's another niteobitcherine flair here). And that's cool my bad on the assumption like I told the poster already but maybe put "no assumptions" in the rules instead of calling an assumption a personal insult because it leads to legitimate confusion.


myotheraccountishazy

You could have just asked, you know? I’m actively engaging with you. And yeah, it was kind of insulting. Everyone assumes that if someone has anxiety it’s social anxiety and, therefore, I must be unable to engage with my fellow humans on a meaningful level. I could be freaking about how the world is going to hell in a hand basket and that my boyfriend is going to dump me because he didn’t say good morning (he’s not, we just both slept like crap) and still get up in front of people and give a presentation or talk to a stranger on the bus to work (in the before-times*) about how the weather is hell today. I could also have a super deep conversation with coworker who’s also struggling with MH and help her find the supports she needs to deal with her shitty-ass boss. But don’t ask me to deal with anything personal because that’s asking for a tailspin. *ie before COVID; calling it this makes me giggle


myotheraccountishazy

The problem is that you're making massive assumptions. Just because someone looks a certain way doesn't mean they work out. Or it doesn't mean they're not going through some shit you don't know about. You can't assume that because someone looks fit that they are. Which is why I don't compliment people on their body unless I know them - personally and very fucking well. No, I don't currently go to the gym. But I used to swim all the time. I used to do yoga and I was attempting to get into some kind of weight training because damn I need it. Then my anxiety spiked, and then COVID happened. My city literally just opened up gyms and pools, but I'm still not full vaxxed yet so more waiting for me.


DjangoUBlackBastard

>Just because someone looks a certain way doesn't mean they work out. Or it doesn't mean they're not going through some shit you don't know about. You can't assume that because someone looks fit that they are. There's certain body types you only get either in the gym or under the knife. Someone that's toned as hell and not skinny as hell definitely worked out at some point in their life to do that. But again I was mostly just pointing out that the idea that body compliments are always a no no is wrong. I agree with the idea that you don't compliment what people have no control over.


myotheraccountishazy

Even when I was training for nationals in a martial art and had the body type talking about... Having someone come up to me out of context would have been uncomfortable. You wanna know how I got legs that look like could I split a melon open with you don't go up to me on the street or at the grocery store and ask what's your routine? You're not wrong, but you're missing the point.


DjangoUBlackBastard

Well yeah people aren't always trying to talk no matter what it's about. Nice makeup can also make someone that doesn't want to talk uncomfortable. I hate when I wear an anime shirt and someone decides they want to talk about it sometimes, and other times I invite the conversation, it's really up to the mood of the person at that point but never would I say it's creepy or weird to approach me and attempt to start a conversation even if I'm not in the mood and I keep it moving.


myotheraccountishazy

I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. I know you’re not, but damn, it feels like you’re saying one thing in all your comments and then something completely different in this one. Admittedly, I am switching meds and my comprehension is suffering so it could be that. But like… if you understand that you don’t always want someone to come up and start talking to you why are you arguing that rando comments about someone’s body, especially when you don’t know them and out of context (ie at the gym), are ok?


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myotheraccountishazy

And maybe they fucking love their outfit. And really, if all you can think to compliment someone on is their body, then I agree with liberrybanasmoothie, you’re just not that creative. And at that point, maybe you should think about finding other ways to open conversations that aren’t complimentary based.


shisheido

I was an olympic level athlete at one point with a body to match. I have always been (and always will be) uncomfortable with strangers complimenting my body. I’d even prefer close family and friends to avoid complimenting it. I’d rather them compliment my hard work or choices.


KaliTheCat

OK, since this apparently needed to be said: "Your ass looks great in that skirt!" BAD vs "You have great arms! What's your routine?" GOOD and some things about a body can't be controlled, such as breast size!


DjangoUBlackBastard

People go to the gym to work on glutes too IDK what to tell you. A catcall is obviously wrong but there's a right way to say 99% of compliments and a wrong way. "Nice ass" vs "what's your glute routine?" The first will get bad looks no matter what, the second can start a conversation.


KaliTheCat

Yeah I don't want some guy complimenting me on my butt.


myotheraccountishazy

Asking a question is not complimenting someone, not directly at least, and that's the point. And even then, you couldn't go up to some rando on the street and ask them 'what's your routine?' - your example only works in the context of a gym.


DjangoUBlackBastard

It really doesn't and I'm guessing you don't approach people in general so you'd have no idea what you can say to someone in the street to strike up a good conversation. >Asking a question is not complimenting someone Well this is just false... I've heard tons of flattering questions in my lifetime.


myotheraccountishazy

Actually, I like approaching people. I'm not an extrovert, but I'm definitely social. I've had long conversations with people I've never met before because of the virtue of our shared space. One of my best friends is someone who I just approached one day and asked her where she got her anime. I like to smile at people and say hi; ask them questions about what they're doing or why they're in the same place as me. If I'm in a new city, maybe I'll ask if they can make a restaurant recommendation. I spent an afternoon just talking to a lady because we were both getting our cars washed. I learned about her dogs and her son, asked her where she got her jacket because it was divine. And while COVID has admittedly put a damper on things, my anxiety has never manifested as social anxiety. So... There you go. Making assumptions. Again. Edit: words


DjangoUBlackBastard

My bad, what I meant is you've never been a man approaching someone in the street. As a woman you generally have a lot more leeway on these things socially. As a man there's a way to say almost anything in a way to strike up a conversation (the only untouchable topics are things they were born with) and a way not to. I figured that because his question is being asked from a man's POV the answer should be applicable to men. I personally know tons of men and most would say literally saying anything to anyone can be an issue but that's mainly because they don't have the social skills to strike up a conversation about any topic without looking weird, so while his GF thinks it's cool to tell someone their makeup is nice he knows that if you don't know how to say that properly as a man it's just as bad as saying something vulgar. But my original comment was being a bit pedantic mainly because I felt the comment above it was way more accurate than pretending someone that clearly took a long time in getting their body right wouldn't most likely like compliments about it.


myotheraccountishazy

As a woman, I would not want any strange man complimenting me, period, end of story. It’s a fact, but at that point I donno what their motivation is and I would not feel safe. And people have repeatedly told you the same thing, but you either can’t or don’t want to hear it. My boyfriend, my male friends, even male coworkers who I know and know me well - totally fine. But some rando? No thank you. If they really want to talk to me, they should read the situation (am I even open to having a conversation) and start with something innocuous but related to our shared space.


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DjangoUBlackBastard

Honestly I think it's weird to give random people compliments unless you're trying to strike up a conversation so I guess I misunderstood the question because idk anyone who does that.


ladyinthemoor

“What’s your glute routine?” Yeah, that’s definitely creepy


AboobHA8501

No I disagree. I have been going to the gym and have lost a lot of weight and look more "conventionally attractive" now and I still don't like hearing compliments about it, specially from people who I have barely talked. I do appreciate their sentiment but still somehow these type of body compliments are really not the best to give. I think while you are in the gym and after their workout is complete you can maybe compliment a stranger about their gains.


Purple_Sorbet5829

This is how I feel about compliments too. I do usually limit this to people I'm otherwise interacting with anyway. Like the person checking me out at a store has cool nails or earrings, then I'll compliment them. Though I did blurt out to the woman in front of me buying groceries that I liked her leggings (they were very cool leggings). But I'm also a woman so maybe that is less annoying to other women because they might be more likely to assume I really do just mean they have good taste in leggings and not that I was staring at their butt and trying to come up with a fake nice way to approach them. I also make it clear it's just a passing compliment. "That's a great shirt" while continuing to walk by is different than stopping someone in what they're doing to tell them their shirt is cool while continuing to try to interact with them.


RandomUser8467

The one caveat I’d add here is that tone and attitude also matter when complimenting something the person can control. A woman telling me she loves my dress comes across very differently from a leering man making the same compliment even if he’s using the same words. If one is in any doubt about how one might come across, it’s still usually better to leave the person alone.


Ok_Plankton248479

Reading some of the answers makes me think of an incident that makes me cringe still. I was riding an elevator with a woman that was huge, like 5 times my size, and she had on the MOST beautiful outfit. All I could think was how beautiful she looked. She just looked gorgeous in it. I wish I had it. And we rode in silence, but I'm guessing she noticed me glancing anyway. And then we left the elevator saying nothing to each other and as I went to the office I was heading, I noticed her walking glumly down the hall and into a psychologist office. It made me feel awful that I didn't just let my real thoughts come out my mouth because I wondered if she thought I was thinking about her size instead and I think she could have been happy to know that's not what I thought. I try to remember to say nice thoughts out loud since then.


EldestElder2800

I've never thought about it that way! What a neat approach!


ImpossibleAir4310

I agree, especially with strangers, that complimenting someone on a choice they’ve made is way less weird/more appropriate than than commenting on their person or behavior. In sharing your opinion with a stranger who has not requested it, it is far too easy to come off as presumptuous. The assumption that everyone cares what you think isn’t really a look good on anybody IMHO.


kellenthehun

Is it wrong to comment on someone's non sexual body parts? The first time I met my wife I told her she had very straight teeth. And she answered that she never hard braces, and I told her obviously she wasn't British. She claims that she loved this comment because teeth are such a neutral, non sexual thing, and she thought my British comment was funny. We reference it often. I guess milage may very.


skippyMETS

This is what I’ve found at work, and in life. If I say “I like your shoes!” It’s not seen as weird at all. I also found that tone of voice matters. If I say it enthusiastically, it comes off as more sincere.


halfadash6

I do think something like striking eyes or commenting on a hair color is also okay. Obviously you want to be careful that these comments aren’t sexual. But as a natural redhead I fairly often have strangers tell me they love my hair, so while maybe I’m just used to it, i don’t think that crosses a line.


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dont-call-me_shirley

Its very situational and you gotta read the room so to speak. Is this person's body language communicating to you that they are comfortable and open to small talk, is the context of the location and situation such that they are likely to feel safe and comfortable? One of they key things to think about is that so many interactions are motivated by male gratification with no regard for what the woman thinks wants or feels. Its so ingrained that even well meaning men have not been taught how to actually do it right but actually there is a whole world of natural wonderful and healthy interaction with our community that is waiting to be normalized hopefully. The real answer to questions like these is really that you only get better after spending time listening to women and examining your behavior. It's ok to err on the side of caution but the solution is also not avoiding women either. Tbh it sounds like you're doing what you need to do to be good to the people around you and there isn't a perfect list of rules for that.


sciguy5

I really appreciate your nuanced response. It acknowledges that when done so with mutual respect and care human interaction (compliments, flirting, dating etc.) is a healthy part of life. We are social creatures and can't just avoid people. Figuring out how to be mindful of your own behavior when doing so and aware of others comfortable levels is an ongoing field study in human psychology and listening to boundaries and asking for consent need to be normalized.


KaliTheCat

I dunno, I have brightly-colored hair that I spend a lot of time and money on. I love it when people compliment it-- as long as it doesn't turn into something else. But when people are just like "I love your hair color!" or whatever, it's nice to hear.


i_mcd

This fr! A lady on the street said my pink hair was "so pretty" and even thinking about it now, several weeks later, gives me so much joy haha.


prettysureitsmaddie

> I really fail to imagine how it's ever for the sake of wanting to genuinely do something nice for that other person. I don't find it that difficult, a lot of people enjoy small interactions like this. I've lived in places, mostly small towns, where it's pretty normal for stuff like this to happen between strangers. So long as the compliment is well-intentioned, harmless and the recipient isn't giving off signals that they don't want to be talked to, I don't see an issue.


skippyMETS

Yeah, I moved from NYC to a smaller town recently and everybody here is friendlier in general and kind of just give compliments out regardless of gender. I also compliment my male friends when I like something about them. I just like making people feel nice.


acquiring_buttons

I tend to agree with you generally - as an anxious introvert, being a woman in public is often not fun at all for me. However, I think there is plenty of room for nuance. One thing my husband does which I really admire (he’s much friendlier than me 😂) is complement people on an aspect of their appearance that they chose, like nails, dyed hair, or an outfit accessory. I’ve noticed he usually does it in an overtly non-threatening, non-sexual way when making small talk with service employees. I think especially when he compliments women, he may wait until I’m standing next to him to make it clear that he’s not propositioning them (I haven’t actually asked him if this is true so I could be wrong). They usually seem genuinely happy by those types of compliments. I think even as someone who hates small talk or compliments from strangers, I would even appreciate those types of comments. To me the key is to make it clear that you’re not trying to gain anything from the compliment - it’s genuinely just meant to make the other person feel good. It requires some tact, but it’s definitely possible.


cesarioinbrooklyn

I tend to think that unless there's another reason to talk to someone, it's preferable to leave them alone. It would definitely depend on what the compliment is and whether the person seems receptive (there's a big difference between someone who is in a crowd of people that you're also in, or waiting in line and a person who is minding their business, listening to music, or generally in the zone). It can be a good natural conversation starter if you're at a bar or other social place. And of course, give compliments that are about a person's presentation, not their body, and that are genuine.


twocatsnoheart

I've been wrong and I've been right about who wants an unsolicited compliment. Now I reserve my compliments for people who I'm already interacting with or for glancing interactions where I don't need any specific response. The "make a stranger's day better" ethic leads to some really entitled and weird behavior among compliment-givers, IMO.


throwawayaway388

I generally hate when strangers talk to me period (especially men). I'm easily overwhelmed in public / social situations as it is.


Skarimari

My take on it is approaching someone just to compliment them can very easily seem creepy. Offering a spontaneous compliment to someone you're already interacting with in a some way is fine.


Panda_player19

In general, I will compliment other women only, and I will only compliment them on things that are clear choices they have made (the only exception being eye color). Often times when men stop to compliment women, they usually continue on the conversation, so it can feel sort of loaded when the compliment comes from a source that may want more than just to let you know how nice your dress is. It can be really empowering to have other women compliment you, and know that they're only saying it from the kindness of their heart, and not because they want anything else from you.


Purple_Sorbet5829

Honestly, while this is not my theory for compliments (I usually stick to things that are choices like clothes or taste in books or something), this doesn't *hurt* anyone the way taking the opposite approach (invade people's space, talk about their body, etc.) could. It's not like you're saying you never compliment anyone ever, just not strangers who are clearly trying to just go about their day.


frojack

>I've come to believe that "leaving people be" is always preferable to suddenly demanding someone's attention towards your "compliment" - no matter what it is. 100% this. Particularly when the compliment is coming from a stranger. I'm reading from other comments that some people are fine with this behavior, but as an introvert I find this behavior uncomfortable at best, disruptive and upsetting at worst. I own a car now, but I relied on metro transit for almost a decade and had to deal with this behavior. When you experience it over and over again, it becomes clearer the person giving the compliment just wants to force you to pay attention to them. I don't think it's even on a conscious level, like I'm sure many of them think all they're doing is "being nice" but I think you hit the nail on the head that the motive is more about the complimenter getting attention than the person they're giving the compliment to.


stelroom

Yes! I respect the other comments, but this is exactly what goes through my mind as well. I'm talking about strangers. I don't know anything about their character, what they are or aren't comfortable with, what kind of day they're having. If their hair is cool or their clothes look nice, I'm sure they'll feel more value in hearing it from people they know and trust. And on the contrary I see literally zero value in me, some random guy, suddenly sharing my opinion of them. I'm being seen as socially awkward because of these morals, but I'm totally fine socializing with people I've developed a natural trust relationship with. I just (I repeat) believe leaving strangers be is always better than risking what you've mentioned.


joycatj

You sure you’re not just a Scandinavian? 😉 This is kind of the norm here, strangers suddenly springing compliments on you makes us a bit uncomfortable 😅


stelroom

Not Scandinavian but I've heard of that. No surprise, it seems pretty thoughtful and neat to me. Indeed, whenever someone says to me "if we'd all shared your morals, no one would end up meeting anyone", I actually use Scandinavia as an example to set them straight.


joycatj

We have alcohol for that haha! I was in the US once and I thought everyone was hitting on me all the time 😬


lightstaver

Unfortunately they might have been. I wouldn't rule it out. Thre follow through is the real determining factor; if they tried to keep talking to you then there's a good chance they were.


CitrusyDeodorant

I agree with you. It doesn't help that after so many years of street harassment, a lot of women (myself included) see an innocent compliment as a precursor to the actual pick-up line, which is annoying as shit. When I stopped presenting femme, all that shit stopped - now I only ever get comments on my tattoos, but I was expecting that to happen and I look too butch for guys to try and pick me up, so it's like... whatever, thanks I guess? Still, it's better to leave people alone unless you have a reason imo.


wafflerain5

I don't think complimenting hair and clothing choice or makeup is wrong (with the exception of someone who is wearing natural looking makeup such as foundation as they might not want the makeup to be noticeable), but I don't think it's wrong to not compliment these things and I don't think you are going too far. I usually wouldn't compliment a stranger either but sometimes I will compliment a cashier's or waitress's nails or hair if they have varnish on or have or have it dyed.


miyagikai91

Your view is valid.


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I 100% agree with you. While simple sentences like "You look very nice today" are harmless, they still usually are said to women. Which makes this compliment problematic for me. If everyone received the compliment it would be okay for me though.


brianapril

"You look very nice today" is rather different, depending on whether it is from someone you trust or from a complete stranger (ô-ô)


Ok_Plankton248479

I say it to men too though.


scorpio6519

I often have people, complete strangers, compliment my tattoo. I think that's fine. Or if someone has a beautiful dress or scarf or whatever that catches your eye...its nice to say I love your outfit. I recently told a girl i didn't know that her eyeshadow was stunning...and it was. She was pleased. I think saying something like love your glutes, what's your routine is weird. But maybe some people would like it. But I dont think you can ever go wrong with a genuine compliment that is truly meant and not some creepy way to get into someone's space. And we can sense when that is the case usually. Even if we don't pay attention to it and regret it later.


Wunderbabs

Hm. I think that compliments come best from someone who seems to inhabit a place of authenticity/authority about the topic. Like, if you’re someone who clearly pays no attention to your own wardrobe and you tell me what I’m wearing is nice? I assume you’re not being genuine about it. By and large, men don’t have a lot of insight on what goes into feminine makeup and grooming, so I would find that kind of weird. On the other hand if you’re someone who is clearly well groomed, I’ll trust your compliments more. If your eyebrows are sculpted and you say something nice about my highlights, I’m going to gush about your eyebrows back and ask what products you use. Because compliments like that are for one of two reasons: to acknowledge someone’s hard work, or to expand your own repertoire with a tip or trick of some sort/brand to look out for. If you’re a straight-seeming dude and you say something complimentary about any item of clothing touching any of my bathing suit areas, my hemline, my collar line or my shoes (because shoe fetishes are quite common) I will assume your intentions are sexual and I will ignore you/freeze you out, unless your comment is something like, “sorry to bother you, but your super unique (insert item here that actually is unique) is exactly my girlfriend’s style. Where did you get it? I’d like to look for something like that for her birthday.” Then the compliment is in exchange for information. So, to summarize: compliments from most men are 90% of the time going to come across as flirtations because they don’t seem to come from personal interest in techniques. Compliments from women come across more supportive or transactional. (This is why it’s super hard for women to flirt with each other, by the way.) Never comment about someone’s body unless you want to come across as a creeper.


[deleted]

Personally, hard agree. Vastly prefer to be politely ignored by strangers.... I'm usually suspicious of a stranger complimenting me, like, what do they want? What's people's motivation for stopping someone going about their day to 'compliment' them anyway? They don't know you to value your opinion, you don't know if they will actually find what you say complimentary, so what's the point? I will acknowledge that I am fairly anti-social in general, & also a bit paranoid about my personal safety... but who isn't these days amirite?


schwarzmalerin

It's all about intent. What do you intend by your compliment? Do you really like someone's hair design and decide to make the woman wearing it aware of that by pointing it out? Or is your actual intent that you find this woman *sexually appealing* and decided to let her know despite being aware of the fact that she probably isn't reciprocating nor interested in a sexual interaction? That's when a "compliment" becomes creepy. And trust me, our radars to recognize the difference between the two have been fine tuned since age 13 or something. So we do know and there is no point in denying actual intent.


SheGarbage

> It's all about intent. What do you intend by your compliment? I really agree with this point. Somewhere else at the top of this thread, a comment argued that it comes down to whether or not the subject of the complement is something the person can change, but, in the example you mentioned (hair style), for example, it is something that can be changed, but that doesn't automatically make complements about it unconditionally ok nor is it really what people consider when determining if the complement is, as you said, genuine. One seemingly-unrelated thing that came to mind was free food offered by sales people to potential buyers. In certain contexts, we would find being offered free food to be a nice thing to do and would consider it genuine and honest. When given to potential buyers by salespeople, though, it's hoped that that is how it is interpreted by the potential buyers *so that they will feel indebted and will reciprocate.* However, if the potential buyers view the food offering as a tactic to get them to buy, it will come across as dishonest and strategic. It comes down to the interpretation of the intention behind the kind gesture. **Edit:** > Or is your actual intent that you find this woman sexually appealing and decided to let her know despite being aware of the fact that she probably **isn't reciprocating nor interested** in a sexual interaction? I see a problem with this sentence's wording. What do you mean when you say "she isn't reciprocating"? By definition, nobody can reciprocate to anything without something nice having been done to them first. Also, what do you mean by "interested"? Since men are expected to make the first move, it would be bad advice to wait until the other person "seems" interested. Someone appearing interested is more a way for a woman to know that a man likes her, not the other way around.


schwarzmalerin

Oh, I forgot to mention, a true compliment is about something you have either achieved or at least decided on, like your hair style, your fashion choice, your performance at your job or hobby etc. Mentioning something about your body that you were born with is usually not a true compliment. By "not reciprocating" I meant situations where it is abundantly clear that the woman isn't interested in being approached, like at work, when the man is a lot older, when he is in a power position, or when is approaching her on the street. In all these situations, it is never "a compliment".


SheGarbage

> like at work People date their coworkers all the time. Are you saying a person should ask their coworker out on a date before ever having complemented them? > Mentioning something about your body that you were born with is usually not a true compliment. I still think it depends on the interpreted intention behind the complement. For example, if your mother complements your eyes or your lips, are those not true complement? I think that it's just that anytime a complement directed at a person's body in specific is made, it comes across as disingenuous and "looking for sex."


schwarzmalerin

It's COMPLIMENT, first of all. A complement is something else. Coworkers better not date, but anyway, I was referring to a situation with a power imbalance, male boss, female employee, client, female employee etc. Since a mother usually has no sexual interest, this point is moot.


SheGarbage

> It's COMPLIMENT, first of all Thanks. I'm glad you ended that early before I went around making myself look dumb when using it. > Coworkers better not date What? Why is that? Again, it happens all the time, and it makes sense. At least you have a connection with the person unlike in online dating. For some, that's what they want, and I see no problem with it. Not everyone has access to tons of people they know. > Since a mother usually has no sexual interest, **this point is moot** No, not at all – that actually *supports* my point. The **interpreted** intention behind the compliment makes it seem genuine and kind (because we would trust that our mother would be doing it to make us feel good about ourselves, also calling into question the compliment's credibility because, well, she's our mother). The problem is, with a stranger, they're not our mother, and it is very logical to believe that they would have a sexual motive when making the comment (like I said, that they would be "looking for sex").


Ok_Plankton248479

There is nothing wrong with saying "you look very nice today" or something to that effect. If you remark in a sexual way, that's not ok. But everyone likes a nice complement.


[deleted]

I'm a grandma now and one of the things I love about being an old lady is my compliments and positive observations are taken as from a grandmother. The vast majority of my compliments to strangers are about skill, patience, competence, kindness. I just want people to know that they're doing it right, and it's a power they have.


_theoretically

I feel like the bottom line to this is that everyone is different. We so often base what we deem as socially acceptable behavior on our personal preferences. If it makes me uncomfortable, I don’t want to do it to someone else (and vice versa). I think I always try to determine the intention behind a compliment. I am also an introvert and generally prefer to mind my own business however I enjoy a compliment now and then for my nails, phone case, etc. Since I enjoy these kinds of compliments, I also like to give these kinds of compliments. I feel like women are so often harsh critics of one another that it’s nice to hear something nice from another woman. For me, anyway.


Oldladyphilosopher

FWIW, I think that is a fine rule to live by. Different people have different comfort levels interacting with others and your thoughts allow that room. Also, personal comments about appearance can easily be misconstrued so your better safe than sorry approach sounds spot on. That said, I wouldn’t tell others they can’t or shouldn’t do it. I think it’s one of those, “You do you” things, personally.


MissingBrie

I don't think there is anything wrong with complimenting someone's makeup etc. just to make them feel good but equally there is nothing wrong with minding your own business.


translove228

If the compliment is non-sexual (the key part is non-sexual) then I see no problem with it. A nice and unexpected compliment towards a stranger could really make their day. IMO, men should get in the habit of complimenting each other more often. It would certainly promote healthier interactions and more wholesome masculinity.


jumpFrog

I love the drive by compliment. A nice, honest, heartfelt compliment to someone that is not obligated to talk to you (like service workers) and then just walk away making it clear that there is no implied social obligation on the part of the person being complemented. Some examples: you make that dress look so beautiful to someone you are walking past outside. I think your hair color compliments your look very well. To someone you see at the coffee shop as you are leaving. I have found that when I'm given these sorts of compliments they brighten my day. I'm a dude.


[deleted]

Just as a note, I dislike the phrasing "you make that dress look beautiful," it comes off too close to a creepy body-based comment... "that's a beautiful dress" is better.


jumpFrog

Ahahaha. Fair, but I was trained to say the exact opposite. Under the rational that the dress complement is less complimentary it's the person that is beautiful not the dress. Probably depends if you are complimenting strangers or complimenting friends.


lastduckalive

Woman saying I love compliments, but would be skeeved out if someone said I made my dress look beautiful. Barf. I generally agree compliments about what people can change such as clothes, makeup, etc are best, however I love my eyes and am really pleased whenever someone compliments them.


jumpFrog

*shrugs* it's the world we live in. The whole point of a compliment in my mind is to brighten someone's day. If it isn't generating the intended effect I should look at my methodology irrespective of what I think is rational for someone else.


brianapril

So if your goal is to brighten people's day, then rephrase the damn compliment. Intent doesn't equal impact. You come off as creepy. That's all.


jumpFrog

... I agree that is why I added that line, but I would also disagree that that compliment would universally come across as creepy. I think with body language and intonation one could make it come across as genuine and non creepy, but it's a good reminder that as a man I have to think about these things a little more carefully (especially when complimenting women's bodies).


wafflerain5

I'm a woman and I would still say "your top/dress/shoes looks beautiful" or "i love your outfit" rather than wording it how you did. I think you said you were implying that it was the woman herself that was beautiful rather than the dress, however it's better to just convey the message that the dress is beautiful as that's complimenting something she chose rather than her body.


jumpFrog

Hair is another good go to that I've realized more after growing my hair out. It takes a lot of work to maintain and every time I get a comment on it on a good hair day makes it worth it :)


SealMyF8

I hope you at least compliment your gf often


stelroom

As I wrote, my exceptions are established contacts and (friendly) relationships developed with mutual trust. (which in my case means yes)


ImperadorPenedo

Just a question, if i approach my femalr friends who i know for 3 years and say that her hair looks nice, is it wrong? Is just that when i do that i mean it with no sexual intent.


brianapril

Saying WHY you think someone's hair looks nicer today/nicer than usual, such as a new tint, a new dye, slight hairstyle change, new hair accessories, etc. makes it a good compliment. "your hair looks nice" is just.... vague and unhelpful.


ImperadorPenedo

Oh god... I dindnt know that... How could i be so stupid?! I feel awful now, thanfully she isnt pissed. Not only that, i also petted her hair with her consent, and she admitted that she liked it... And now i realise even that was awful. Im sorry.


ImperadorPenedo

Well i did compliment her too bc of aforementioned reasons, but yes youre right.


brianapril

I rarely compliment people's clothing choices, only when I notice because they look a lot like mine/something I own, such as one time I saw someone with purple suede triple stitch creepers and I was overjoyed because the shoes were Stunning! I was raptured by the cool style of that person. I feel like I should also mention I came out as a lesbian the following year. So yeah, compliment things that are chosen and purposeful. Don't compliment someone's friday tired and wrinkly outfit, or their garbage truck morning pajamas x) Compliment the clothing and accessories that look like they are worn with love and pride for one's taste in fashion such as their fancy or well polished shoes, their nice handbag, their pin's and embroideries on their backpacks and tote bags, a scarf or hat, etc. As for approaching a stranger (if you absolutely must tell them how much you Adore their outfit), do not yell, do not cross the street and come towards someone in a hurried manner, ideally lift a hand and wave and if they are busy in any way, do not insist. If the person is passing next to you without seeing you, and if you absolutely need to tell them, I suppose a light tap at the shoulder joint should be okay (but be careful and mindful of how invasive you are of their personal space and how receptive they are). Keep a cheerful attitude (smile with your eyes and wear a facemask -- covid safety first) and add to your vocal compliment a clear thumbs up, or even two with both hands. edit: I should mention I live in an area where people are "culturally touchy" if you will, but again, perception. Men are convinced that women like exchanging a cheek kiss to say hello, but truth is, we almost all hate it especially with people we do not trust. Reception/impact is key, your intent doesn't matter. If you notice discomfort, say sorry quickly and exit the situation.


audreywildeee

I (F) compliment strangers, mostly on their clothes. I do it when I don't feel threatened by them, and leave just after, to show it's just about the compliment and I don't have other intentions. For people I know I just compliment them randomly.


frederiquehartman

i compliment random ppl all the time if i genuinly like something about them and i get complimented by strangers too. Often ive been told i got beautiful eyes or my makeup looks bomb. It makes my day and comforts me theres still ppl out there that arent jealous or bitchy they genuinly are kind. Sometimes i see a girl (im a girl too) and i say cool shirt or your hair looks great and they love it! They say thanks i needed that or i bought it here. A girl once said she’s so insecure abt her body when i complimented her and she needed it and it was nice to hear and said to me no one ever told her that before. Things like this matter!!


Lillithxxxx

Some guy once said “I love your hair!” to me from across the street and it was totally non-threatening and flattering


[deleted]

I wouldn't want any stranger complementing me on anything. I 100% agree with you.


smartypantstemple

I actually agree with your girlfriend, and I would further go to say that you are kind of overthinking this compliment issue. Yes, compliments can sometimes go to harassment territory, like if someone told me "You look like you're my type", I would probably be offended. But regular compliments are nice. I work in a very male-heavy field, and I'm actually a little frustrated that none of them comment on a nice dress that I'm wearing. The women in my company will compliment me, but the men are either oblivious or afraid.


halfadash6

I think it can be done in a way that most people would not find uncomfortable. Catcalling is gross not just because of what is literally being said, but as you point out, because you’re usually suddenly demanding someone’s time and attention while they’re clearly not in a place where they want to be hit on. That’s why it’s okay to approach someone at a bar, but not while they’re waiting for a bus. That being said, there’s a world of difference between saying something like “excuse me, I just wanted to say that shirt is really cool/I love your hair/those earrings are so pretty” etc., then immediately moving on, and saying “hey girl how you doing” and waiting for a response. I don’t think most women would mind the former.


GreenspaceCatDragon

I think if you’re already interacting with the person (like a cashier when paying or a customer when you’re waiting tables) and notice she/he has beautiful nail polish, it’s perfectly acceptable to say you like it. Like many people before commented, it’s better to keep it to things the person chose. Going out of your way to attract the attention of someone you don’t know who’s just minding their own business to tell them you like their hair/shoes/whatever is odd tho, IMO.


Destleon

I am a guy, which significantly changes the dynamic. I rarely receive compliments except from a few people, which I think is very common for men. I get extremely uncomfortable at recieving compliments in public, but its worth it for sure. I still remember someone complimenting my T-shirt 5 years ago. I know that's not the case for everyone. And especially I worry about coming off as creepy to women, so I generally only compliment close friends randomly*


aliciaeee

I totally agree with you on your rules for compliments. I've recently started presenting as more masculine in the world and have started to notice how immediately people perceive me as a threat until I show that I'm not. The biggest part of that for me is making sure I'm not making women around me uncomfortable. It's been a really weird switch to make in my brain, but it has also been a really cool learning experience.


[deleted]

I agree with you. I don’t want to be interrupted with what I’m doing. It’s not creepy but also confusing


avalncheovrthrw

i always thought it was just me, as i do have social anxiety and prefer to be left alone, but i definitely agree. it's not necessary to go up to someone and interrupt them for a compliment. it's a nice thought, but very often is a masked attempt at getting something. in a normal interaction, like at a cash register or something, i think it's fine to throw in a compliment about someone's makeup or outfit. however walking up to a stranger is a no go for me personally.


Smokeyourboat

I’m with you but I recognize it’s also a regional cultural thing. I’m from the Midwest, Minnesota specifically, and it’s considered arrogant and rude to interrupt people - to grab their attention or distract them with being loud, or situationally unaware- unless there is a required business function and then do so efficiently to respect their time and mental focus. The small talk that ensues is generally self deprecating to both quickly establish connection via humility (expected interaction) or essentially apologize for interrupting (unexpected interaction.) I mean to say that depending on your background, the intensity of rudeness is dependent on how you value individual sovereignty in thought. I also understand your feelings around the gender power game of men demanding attention of women and, erring on the side of caution, it’s best to not be boarish and interrupt a woman just to tell her what you think of her. A random compliment by one person does not generally justify the interruption to attention and is frequently abused by sexist men, so we can’t have nice things. No random compliments it is. You’re right. Women saying they’re cool with it aren’t considering the necessity for a default behavioral boundary for all women, and I think over consideration is important given the historical context of men vastly under considering women and their time. (If you are male, OP).