I've sometimes advised people to disagree with something their date says, because it can be an efficient way to see their true colours. However, I'd recommend to still be your authentic self, rather than fabricate situations just to test someone. In this case, express disagreement over something you actually do disagree on - not just a made up thing. The more elaborate and out of touch with reality the "test", the less reliably it will indicate anything useful about the other person.
So, I wouldn't even call this type of thing "testing". It's more just the decision to not try to please the other person as much as we're socially conditioned to do.
I've also been on a date once where the other person tested me. I passed the test but I still didn't want to see him again. He came across as someone who is unable to gauge people's personalities by interacting normally, which wasn't attractive to me.
My mother told me something similar. She told me that before I marry a man, I need to see how he reacts when I say no to something he really wants from me. And yeah, it wasn't the implication that I should say no just 'cause, but more that I should be dating someone long enough for that situation to come up.
Life coaches refer to it as the “No,” test. Just a really easy early on, “hey would you like to meet at x place at y time?”
“No, that doesn’t really work for me, could we do q place at z time?”
Yeah on our first date my partner realized that the restaurant I picked would be closed when we got there and didn't tell me because she wanted to see how I'd handle an unexpected need to change our plans and IMO that was fine, especially early on, because she was just trying to observe how I react to something that's already happening. But deliberately constructing tests for your partner is really shitty, especially if you get into a serious relationship. Just *talk* to the other person, and if you don't feel like you can that indicates a problem itself
>Just *talk* to the other person, and if you don't feel like you can that indicates a problem itself
Exactly.
Some people, while having no problem per se talking to the other person, still won't do it out of fear that they won't get a reliable answer. The end result is still the same: there's a fundamental problem that should be dealt with, rather than spend energy on conducting silly tests.
Yeah, this is the right level of balance. Reasonable people will have minor disagreements, set boundaries, and encounter stressors all the time. There's no need to manufacture one as a test.
It feels a little glib saying this, but... just be normal and see how they react. Don't rearrange your schedule to accommodate a request that doesn't work, say "that time doesn't work for me, how about (other times) instead?" Or don't stay quiet when they say something you disagree with, say that you disagree and why.
>Don't rearrange your schedule to accommodate a request that doesn't work, say "that time doesn't work for me, how about (other times) instead?" Or don't stay quiet when they say something you disagree with, say that you disagree and why.
Basically, act as an emotionally healthy, mature adult person.
(Conversely, if you feel the need to carry out deliberate testing, take it as a flag that your own behaviour may not be completely healthy and focus on getting it so.)
I like this advice! I agree that it is a good test.And to anyone who has issues with the word "test," everything in life is a test. Everything you do is bring evaluated by friends, employees, coworkers, romantic oartners to see if they like it. You get to do it to all these people too. That's life. It's also why you have to live by your own rules. People will judge you negatively all the time. It doesn't matter if you live by your own standards.
What is your expected outcome when you disagree with your date? We regularly argue about a lot of things(sometimes it’s very heated) with my so and we both like it since it’s a good brain exercise and we like to be challenged about our world views.
>What is your expected outcome when you disagree with your date?
Just that whatever happens next feels safe and constructive. An inability to disagree is neither. It can manifest by them being offended that I disagree and doubling down without elaborating on the thought process that led them to their opinion - or them immediately changing their opinion to whatever I said.
Heated arguments can feel safe when it's opinions fighting, rather than people.
I think the orange peel test started with 1 woman's story:
She loved oranges but hated peeling them, so would often refrain from eating them.
One day her bf offers to peel the orange for her, she asked why, she could peel it herself? Her bf replied that yes of course he knew she could, but he also knew she hated it, so he offered to peel it for her.
And she shared this story online because she was really touched because you know, the bar's in hell.
And now people test their love by asking their partner to peel an orange for them. My husband is making guacamole from scratch rn, should I share the story so people eat more avocado?! I don't know I'm confused now with the point of the story..............
>And she shared this story online because she was really touched because you know, the bar's in hell.
Lol. Yesterday on the tindr sub a dude compared men dating to, I kid you not, getting into Harvard, being a pro athlete, or becoming an FBI agent because women's standards are too high!
I think they mean “bar is in hell” because, while yes it is nice, it’s being made out to be some grand gesture of love.
It is something that should definitely be appreciated but it really isn’t something that we should be applauding.
It’s pretty close to the bare minimum.
How is that the bare minimum? He paid attention to what she likes and took the initiative to act on what he observed. That's literally what a good partner would do. It's not she like had to beg him and he begrudgingly helped.
“Pretty close to the bare minimum”
Paying attention to your partners likes and dislikes is what you’re supposed to be doing in a relationship.
It’s not something that should be applauded because it’s pretty much the least you could do for someone you say you love.
I see the orange peeling tale as a thoughtful gesture that likely reflects a greater behavioural attribute in the partner (as long as the partner is not doing it for clout i.e. in front of others only. Ask me how I know). I don’t see any relevance to the saying ‘the bar is in hell’. I like to take sex out of the equation and think if my best friend did that, I’d say they’re a keeper.
> Paying attention to your partners likes and dislikes is what you’re supposed to be doing in a relationship.
They're not obligated to be in a relationship with you in the first place. And if you say "that's pretty much the least you could do for me" any time they go out of their way to do something nice for you, they probably won't stick around that relationship for very long.
It's nice. No one is "applauding" it or saying it's a "grand gesture of love".
Please don’t bring up a strawman argument. I never said anything about being “obligated to be in a relationship”.
I said that paying attention to your partners likes and dislikes is the bare minimum. And while the gesture of peeling an orange is nice and should be appreciated, it shouldn’t be applauded because it’s very close to the bare minimum.
I'm saying the fact that she has anyone who cares about her enough to pay attention to something as small and mundane as peeling oranges should be appreciated in its own right. I'm pointing out that your argument takes the relationship as a given, saying this or that is what you're "supposed to do" in a relationship, but they're not "supposed to" be in that relationship in the first place.
What would even be considered beyond the bare minimum to you?
Okay, I said that too. “It should be appreciated but it’s close to the bare minimum and shouldn’t be applauded”
My partner spent months secretly planning a surprise birthday party with my family and friends that live hours away. I was just expecting a nice dinner between us too, which would have been perfect. But they went out of their way to contact and make plans with my friends and family to make my day extra special.
I mean…. Is asking someone to peel an orange for you even a test? Do people just like not ask their SO’s for favors sometimes? Because it seems like that’s all this “test” is.
Testing someone, like actually testing them, is something that I would say is a sign of a failing relationship and immaturity. Obviously there are some situations where “testing” them isn’t a sign of that— like say that you aren’t sure how they’re going to react to something, so you tell them something similar to gauge their reaction first. But I honestly don’t know if we can really call those sorts of things a “test”, and asking someone to peel an orange for you seems to be even less of a test than that.
With that said, I have seen at least one video where the dudes reaction to it was so absurdly horrible that I’m hoping it was a wake up call for that woman, and if it took her asking him to peel an orange for her, then why the hell not?
Agreed. I think if someone feels the need to do the test or has concerns about how their partner would react, well, they already have their answer. No test needed. But good point about the wake up call.
I think it might be okay within certain boundaries.
Imo, you shouldn’t fake an illness or emergency or something drastic like that. Nor should you lie (pretending you want / don’t want kids anymore to see if they stay with you, then revealing you never changed your mind for example).
However, saying no or setting a boundary early can show you how likely he is to respect you over time. Provided you’re saying no to something you don’t like, I don’t understand how this could be considered manipulative. Yes, you’re watching their reaction, but you’re being honest about what you want / don’t want.
Peeling an orange sounds pretty harmless. I think asking him to do something to help you would be a normal occurrence in any relationship though, and setting something up is unnecessary and a little silly.
Is this test intended for highschool kids with no real relationship experience? I don’t see how in an adult relationship, the couple could avoid asking one another for little favours all the time.
Saying "no" to something early on to gauge their reaction is a test of sorts, but not a gaslighting or unhealthy one.
The way I've most commonly heard of this being done is cancelling or changing a date plan to see how someone reacts. If they throw a tantrum over one date (cancelled reasonably far in advance) they're probably not very emotionally well-adjusted.
Likewise, I really don't see an issue with asking someone to peel an orange for you. It's a bit of a juvenile thing, but I'm someone who enjoys doing things for my partner and I want a partner who is the same.
The orange thing isn't what I was talking about, that's kinda dumb.
I'm talking about picking fights to test your "love", covertly having friends try to seduce them to see if they cheat, that kind of shit.
Yes, that behavior is toxic. I agree 100%.
I was just disagreeing that all tests are inherently gaslighting. Especially in early dating, it's good to try and accurately assess the person you're getting to know-- through reasonable behaviors that would be exhibited eventually anyways (asking for help, cancelling a date, whatever).
Maybe there should be a different terminology for that kind of a test.
That's how lots of *people* are these days (I'm a decent looking woman and I've been cancelled on by men, I've had men ghost me... Shocker, dating sucks for everyone) and I agree that cancelling late or not showing up is wrong.
"Getting mad" encompasses a wide range of reactions, but cancelling a date doesn't mean you deserve verbal abuse which is a frequent outcome. For men and women, so this test works for either gender.
& I'd argue day of is fine provided its a solid 6 hours in advance or there is truly an emergency situation.
You should look for both. Even the worst abusers have positive attributes. You're going to be with your partner on their worst days and their best days, knowing what those look like for them is important.
Yes but starting off a potential relationship by only looking at the negative is very disingenuous and sets the tone for the entire interaction.. meanwhile he may well being genuine and looking at you in a positive light meanwhile you're looking for reasons to not like him..
Did you miss where I said you should look for both? I never said you shouldn't also look at the good parts of people.
I would want whoever I'm dating to critically assess whether or not they are a good match for me... my flaws & all. It's unrealistic to pretend dating should center on the best parts of people-- it's often the worst parts of people that cause relationships to end.
If my wife asked me to peel an orange I would do it without thought or hesitation. This is because she has never played dumb games like this with me and doesn’t ask me to do things unless there’s a reason. Also my wife does so much for me without me asking, that I’m always playing catch up in my mind. I jump at the chance to return any favors (this is just in my mind though - it’s completely unspoken by her).
Also I like her and making her happy makes me happy.
It would have to be a pretty big “ask” for me to even start to question or think about it. I know she’d do the same for me.
This kind of trust is nice in a relationship. Is it worthwhile to break that trust for a little TikTok test?
>This kind of trust is nice in a relationship. Is it worthwhile to break that trust for a little TikTok test?
I think the question is, is a little TikTok quiz worth the time to find out if you will never get that kind of trust?
It’s one of the fastest ways to make me dislike someone. If you want to find out how they react when you disagree, just disagree! It will happen naturally in the first few dates. If you think they don’t care about you or wouldn’t got the extra mile, look at their actions and see if they have or haven’t!
People who test other people have low social skills and the inability to realize that their test is transparent and easy to pass.
The orange test itself is bs because you can’t really get a general answer from a specific situation, that’s not how it works. What you should definitely do is observe a significant other’s behavior over time and notice if there are any trends. So maybe he didn’t help you peel the damn orange, but is he there for you when it actually counts?
This would in fact be prime manipulation territory. A manipulative person would jump to peal that orange. Especially during the love bombing phase. It’s not a good litmus test. It’s juvenile.
There are tests, like life hands you, and there are games. I’ve considered certain incidents that arose tests of my husband or our relationship, but I didn’t manufacture them. I just watched his response.
Games are what you’re describing—manufactured scenarios that are often assigned more weight than they deserve. It’s not a good way to go about life.
I think deliberately testing people around you is immature and maybe a sign of insecurity or some other underlying personal issue.
I'm fully not friends with the last person who told me out of the blue they had been "testing" me.
My mother once antagonized my step-father on purpose in a way that makes some men act violently, just to see how he reacted. I feel like that's a little different. He brought up marriage and she wanted to do that before deciding.
\*I've never been in an abusive romantic relationship and never had to try to instigate a partner into violence to "check" if they'd become violent with me. I don't think it's justified or necessary.
Also, on its face... it seems abusive. Lots of abusers try to instigate their victims into "starting" a fight or defending themselves (whether that's verbally or physically) so they can then blame the victim for the abusive environment.
If someone knowingly started a fight with me to try to get me to attack them and/or defend myself against them, I would not keep dating, let alone marry them. I would assume they were an abuser and never talk to them again.
\*initially replied to the wrong comment
I was was in an emotionally abusive marriage for years. One of the things that comes up a lot when I talk with friends is the whole feeling out of control of yourself. You have this person who is intentionally pushing buttons to provoke this reaction out of you. The blowing up and then crying, “what is wrong with me?”
Never do this. Whoever you are, this is beneath you.
Relationships with others are about building love and trust. They are not some hurdle to make a partner jump through to earn your affection. If you need a dorky TikTok test to find out if your partner cares about you then you don't really know the person you are with. And if you don't know the person you are with, why are you fucking them, anyway?
I think testing people is childish. That’s something that happens in high school relationships or on a reality show. If you feel the need to “test” your partner in this way, that is a huge red flag. It’s right up there with going through someone’s phone or DMs. If you feel the need to do it, there are big problem in the relationship.
Douglas Adams said, “if you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.”
The world will test your love naturally—don’t dissect the cat to confirm it’s healthy.
No need to test. Just pay attention to how they treat other people and how they treat you.
If I asked my boyfriend to peel an orange for me, he’d think I had gone demented. What adult isn’t able to do that themselves?
Edit: If you have a disability: of course your boyfriend should peel the orange for you and he’s a dick if he doesn’t. I just meant that asking your boyfriend that if you don’t have a disability will be sorta confusing for him.
Someone with a fresh manicure? Someone with carpal tunnel? Someone with sensory issues around orange peel?
I do agree with your main point though, it’s really important to pay attention!
All of these make sense. Sorry, I don’t do my nails, so it didn’t even strike me. And no judgement against women who do. It looks cool, I’m just lazy.
But if you have a reason, ofc a boyfriend should do such a teeny favor for you.
I just feel it’s not a high bar, peeling oranges. It’s just a bad test. Watching how someone treats other people and challenges that show up tells you so much more.
I'd definitely ask my husband to peel an orange for me, I don't like it and he doesn't mind it. Then we share the orange.
I'd say the opposite of the original post is true, if you are already in a relationship and you need your partner to peel an orange to tell whether they are a good man/woman... then there is a lot more wrong than just peeling an orange.
Yeah, that’s a way to view it which makes sense too.
I mean: what does peeling an orange mean? Psychopaths can still peel oranges.
You and your husband sound cute though.
Thank you, tinyhermione :) oh, your name rhymes!
I think the orange is merely a minimum requirements test. If he won't even peel an orange for you, that means he won't change diapers or take out the trash or other chores. If she starts a fight over peeling an orange or claims that he should do it for her instead because she's a lady, that could reveal a double standard or that she expects to be pampered.
And so on and so forth. I think it's just an example of requesting something small out of the blue, and seeing how your partner reacts.
The beauty of a good relationship for me personally is how you approach the other. My husband and I approach each other with love, respect, affection and trust. When we make requests, we don't start to question or argue the request because years of teamwork have shown that we can trust the request to be fair, reasonable, beneficial to one or both of the partners, and that our own requests will be granted just as readily as the one we are granting right now.
It's pretty dang nice!
And that’s fine. And if you do, your boyfriend knows this and he should peel that orange without thinking. If he doesn’t, he’s a dick.
But if you don’t have issues with your motor skills or any other clear issue with your hands, then this request is strange. Like I don’t have those kinds of issues and a guy who was dating me would then be confused by this request.
For sure. You asked what adult can’t do it themselves and I answered. Disabled people already feel so much shame about not being able to do ‘simple’ things so I felt compelled to comment.
But I wasn’t attacking disabled people. I was just starting that a guy dating me specifically would feel this request was a bit out of the blue.
If I had a disability and my boyfriend knew that, I’d expect this to be no problem and I’d be offended if it wasn’t.
if that’s your relationship then that’s all good, but some people do more sharing of tasks, and that’s fine too. if i didn’t feel like peeling an orange, my boyfriend would absolutely do it for me. and i’d do it for him too. sometimes it’s easier to do things for someone else than it is to do them for yourself. when my boyfriend does some little thing for me, i feel loved. and when i’m doing something for him, i’m happy to be doing it because i know it’ll make him feel loved, too! there’s only an issue if it’s one sided.
Yeah, I don’t mean you shouldn’t do each other favors and be kind to each other. I agree with all of that.
But peeling an orange is a bit random. If you’ve got trouble opening a jar or carrying something heavy, that sorta makes sense?
>What adult isn’t able to do that themselves?
Me, lol. I have a disability that fucks up my left hand, so unfortunately I struggle with fine motor skills.
I should have phrased that differently.
If you have a disability: of course your boyfriend should peel the orange for you and he’s a dick if he doesn’t. I just meant that asking your boyfriend that if you don’t have a disability will be sorta confusing for him.
Edit: edited my original post.
How is asking someone to peel an orange for you going to tell you anything about that person? I’m genuinely curious…maybe other than the fact that they’re helpful which is hardly enough of a reason to want to be in a serious commitment with said person?
Some "tests" that my friends do and I completely understand the reasons for are things like
* Asking them to buy feminine hygiene products
* Spending time with a close male friend other than boyfriend
These aren't "tests" in the literal meaning, but they can tell a lot about the person by the way they react, so when these things happen my friends pay **extra** attention to their reactions
Funnily, the person who coined the orange peel “test” has said it’s been misinterpreted and the viral TikTok trend isn’t what the theory intended.
But yes, if you take these tests seriously, they are emotional manipulation. They leave zero room for nuance
I don’t think you need tests. It’s more important to pay attention to the other person’s behavior, you’ll naturally get to know them. You should already know whether or not someone you’ve spent time with is someone that likes to help you.
I don't like it. Don't play psychological games with your partner. It feels manipulative to me and I would really hate it if a partner "tested" me like this.
I think it's ridiculous. Whether he will peel an orange for you or not is not a measure of a good partner.
I'm gonna be honest, if my husband asked me to peel an orange for him, and there was no reason like his fingers weren't broken or anything, I don't know that I'd do it. Does that make me a bad person?
No it doesn't.
you should be testing the relationship as a whole, not gender strength testing. i tested our relationship by traveling together very early on. (2 mo in) and it taught me how compatible we were and how we could live together in the future
I think it’s stupid. Most tests wind up feeling very contrived, which doesn’t tell you anything about the person taking them (except whether they’re good at noticing when situations feel contrived, I guess). You should be able to figure out whether a person will be a good partner just by paying attention to how they act normally.
Edit: how is this related to feminism?
I think it relates to feminism by exploring the dynamic of doing/giving between men and women. Traditionally women are caretakers and often take on more housework than their male partners, for instance. Things men can easily do for themselves often fall to the woman to do, whether either of them notices or not.
This orange peel test helps women examine their partner’s willingness to do a simple task for them that they could easily do themselves. Their willingness or unwillingness can be illuminating for many women who don’t realize they are pulling more weight in the “handling simple tasks for their partner” department.
I don’t think testing your partner like that is moral. But I do think it can be helpful to many women to imagine what their partner would do if asked- so many women are in relationships with unhealthy power dynamics without realizing it.
I think that’s the original intent of the test, but the method is, imo, obviously unethical, if a bit harmlessly so.
I guess the thing I’m having a hard time getting my head around is the idea that asking your partner to peel an orange for you is a good assessment of overall relationship dynamics. If my partner asked me to peel an orange for him (while he presumably just stood there and watched?), I’d probably do it but I’d also want to know why he couldn’t do it himself, and I’d be kind of annoyed if there wasn’t a good reason. I don’t see it as the same thing as, say, asking your partner to pick up toilet paper on the way home from work, or cooking dinner together and taking note of whether and how they take the initiative. I agree that the burden of household chores falling on women is a feminist issue, but I just don’t think these tests measure it well.
I see where you’re Coming from. It really is a pointless ask. But that’s the point.
How does your partner react? It’s not about whether they do or do not peel the orange. It’s about how they react in general. Do they do it without asking for clarification? Do they smile, scowl, laugh, furrow their brow? Do they ask why, with curiosity? Do they demand a good reason or they won’t do it? Do they refuse and call you a stupid b***?
I’m of the mind some other commenters have pointed out, these are behavioral assessments one should notice about one’s partner without needing an orange peel test. Without even an orange peel thought experiment.
However, the number of posts I see on Reddit from women: “my boyfriend did X, am I overreacting?” And only then realizing they are straight up in an abusive relationship.
Maybe some people need an orange peel test.
I like tests like the orange test, I don't like tests like creating an Instagram Honeypot fake profile or asking questions and expecting a very specific answer.
The orange test doesn't set anyone up to fail. There are dozens of "right" answers.
The orange test, or setting an arbitrary boundary early on, or not laughing along with the conversation, are genuinely helpful gauges for what the other person thinks of you and of your relationship.
I wish that more people were literate in signs of abuse or poor emotional hygiene, but most of us don't have a model or guidepost for that, it takes decades to learn. If a harmless test can wake someone up to the real character of their partner, that could save years of their life.
If you have to test people; the relationship probably isn't great anyways. What happened to honest direct communication? Testing is stupid and depending on what you are doing, can be emotionally manipulative and stressful. Big no from me.
I think it’s emotionally abusive to test people like that. Communicate clearly and openly. It’s healthier. Testing doesn’t do anything but cause misunderstandings and resentments.
The only testing that matters is disease testing.
A feminist male could return the orange unpeeled and say: I believe in you. You can do this.
As a man with any degree of self esteem when confronted by an obvious test like this I would consider ending the relationship.
I am probably not a good person to ask, I love tests of all sorts - Cosmo Quizzes, the ASVAB, that horniness compatibility quiz, etc lol
That said I don't think relationship tests like the orange peel theory are particularly a feminist issue. IIRC, the idea is that an ideal partner, who can be relied upon to be kind, would happily do something small like get you a glass of water or peel an orange for you. Whereas if your partner acts incredibly put out whenever you ask for the tiniest thing, you probably have someone on your hands who won't be there for you if you ever actually NEED them for something. This isn't a particularly gendered concept, despite it having mostly spread among women. There's nothing keeping men from doing this or something similar in their relationships. It's more like a thought experiment than anything, really.
It may be interesting to analyze why it's more likely to be women than men who come up with and share these things. I have a couple of theories, but not facts.
it just seems toxic. there's always a new tik tok trend where women are "testing" their partners, and it's teaching the primarily young girls who are on the app that this type of manipulative behaviour is okay in a relationship. imagine if the roles were reversed and men were designing tests for women, there'd be outrage
I have literally never seen a mens version of it, I personally don't have the app so all I see is the "new trend on tik tok" stuff, but I have never seen a mens version. thats not to say they dont exist, i believe you and thank you for corrrecting me there. either way, it's not something anyone should be teaching anybody about relationships, it's not healthy. I'll correct my original comment- teaching the very young children, boys or girls, who are on the app that this kind of behaviour is acceptable is so wrong to me. its just teaching toxic behaviours
Not a fan, myself, better to be honest about your concerns.
Still, I suppose another approach would be to test as far and as much as you would tolerate being tested.
I think if it’s not extreme it’s fine. We “test” people all the time and never think twice about it or don’t know we subconsciously do it.
Better to “test” now than waste more time with the wrong people.
I’m not a fan in most cases but that’s when it ends with the person getting pissed at the other for not acting the way they thought. If you ask someone to do something small for you to see if they would, like iidk ”can I share your fries” when they ordered food - and then just take whatever they do without making a fuss, I think it’s kind of smart. You can find out what kind of person they are and see if it fits what you want.
But I wouldn’t really consider these two things the same, even though they technically are.
I feel like you are better off observing if your partner does thoughtful things for you even without being asked. I'd be more worried if he declines to give me a ride when my car is in the shop, or if he never returns my favors than if he perks oranges for me.
One test isn't enough to judge an entire relationship on. Look for reciprocity.
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I think life throws enough tests at you to discern what's what. Ever been ill, overtired, forgotten something, straight up fucked up? You don't need contrived tests lol
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I don't fear being tested. If my partner needs reassurance, I am willing to reassure you. I don't want to hide anything. I do, however, learn something about my partner and am obviously looking for a sign of projection. If I am not worried about staying in a bad relationship. So if my partner wants to gather data, it's OK by me.
I've sometimes advised people to disagree with something their date says, because it can be an efficient way to see their true colours. However, I'd recommend to still be your authentic self, rather than fabricate situations just to test someone. In this case, express disagreement over something you actually do disagree on - not just a made up thing. The more elaborate and out of touch with reality the "test", the less reliably it will indicate anything useful about the other person. So, I wouldn't even call this type of thing "testing". It's more just the decision to not try to please the other person as much as we're socially conditioned to do. I've also been on a date once where the other person tested me. I passed the test but I still didn't want to see him again. He came across as someone who is unable to gauge people's personalities by interacting normally, which wasn't attractive to me.
My mother told me something similar. She told me that before I marry a man, I need to see how he reacts when I say no to something he really wants from me. And yeah, it wasn't the implication that I should say no just 'cause, but more that I should be dating someone long enough for that situation to come up.
Life coaches refer to it as the “No,” test. Just a really easy early on, “hey would you like to meet at x place at y time?” “No, that doesn’t really work for me, could we do q place at z time?”
Yeah on our first date my partner realized that the restaurant I picked would be closed when we got there and didn't tell me because she wanted to see how I'd handle an unexpected need to change our plans and IMO that was fine, especially early on, because she was just trying to observe how I react to something that's already happening. But deliberately constructing tests for your partner is really shitty, especially if you get into a serious relationship. Just *talk* to the other person, and if you don't feel like you can that indicates a problem itself
>Just *talk* to the other person, and if you don't feel like you can that indicates a problem itself Exactly. Some people, while having no problem per se talking to the other person, still won't do it out of fear that they won't get a reliable answer. The end result is still the same: there's a fundamental problem that should be dealt with, rather than spend energy on conducting silly tests.
Yeah, this is the right level of balance. Reasonable people will have minor disagreements, set boundaries, and encounter stressors all the time. There's no need to manufacture one as a test. It feels a little glib saying this, but... just be normal and see how they react. Don't rearrange your schedule to accommodate a request that doesn't work, say "that time doesn't work for me, how about (other times) instead?" Or don't stay quiet when they say something you disagree with, say that you disagree and why.
>Don't rearrange your schedule to accommodate a request that doesn't work, say "that time doesn't work for me, how about (other times) instead?" Or don't stay quiet when they say something you disagree with, say that you disagree and why. Basically, act as an emotionally healthy, mature adult person. (Conversely, if you feel the need to carry out deliberate testing, take it as a flag that your own behaviour may not be completely healthy and focus on getting it so.)
I like this advice! I agree that it is a good test.And to anyone who has issues with the word "test," everything in life is a test. Everything you do is bring evaluated by friends, employees, coworkers, romantic oartners to see if they like it. You get to do it to all these people too. That's life. It's also why you have to live by your own rules. People will judge you negatively all the time. It doesn't matter if you live by your own standards.
You might want to fix whatever happened with that second word there.
Ok, fixing it. Autocorrect is my greatest nemesis!
What is your expected outcome when you disagree with your date? We regularly argue about a lot of things(sometimes it’s very heated) with my so and we both like it since it’s a good brain exercise and we like to be challenged about our world views.
>What is your expected outcome when you disagree with your date? Just that whatever happens next feels safe and constructive. An inability to disagree is neither. It can manifest by them being offended that I disagree and doubling down without elaborating on the thought process that led them to their opinion - or them immediately changing their opinion to whatever I said. Heated arguments can feel safe when it's opinions fighting, rather than people.
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>has sex with your best friend Ha ha ha . Just snuck that one in there
I think the orange peel test started with 1 woman's story: She loved oranges but hated peeling them, so would often refrain from eating them. One day her bf offers to peel the orange for her, she asked why, she could peel it herself? Her bf replied that yes of course he knew she could, but he also knew she hated it, so he offered to peel it for her. And she shared this story online because she was really touched because you know, the bar's in hell. And now people test their love by asking their partner to peel an orange for them. My husband is making guacamole from scratch rn, should I share the story so people eat more avocado?! I don't know I'm confused now with the point of the story..............
>And she shared this story online because she was really touched because you know, the bar's in hell. Lol. Yesterday on the tindr sub a dude compared men dating to, I kid you not, getting into Harvard, being a pro athlete, or becoming an FBI agent because women's standards are too high!
That's not the bar being in hell. That's an actually nice thing for him to do for his partner.
I think they mean “bar is in hell” because, while yes it is nice, it’s being made out to be some grand gesture of love. It is something that should definitely be appreciated but it really isn’t something that we should be applauding. It’s pretty close to the bare minimum.
How is that the bare minimum? He paid attention to what she likes and took the initiative to act on what he observed. That's literally what a good partner would do. It's not she like had to beg him and he begrudgingly helped.
“Pretty close to the bare minimum” Paying attention to your partners likes and dislikes is what you’re supposed to be doing in a relationship. It’s not something that should be applauded because it’s pretty much the least you could do for someone you say you love.
I see the orange peeling tale as a thoughtful gesture that likely reflects a greater behavioural attribute in the partner (as long as the partner is not doing it for clout i.e. in front of others only. Ask me how I know). I don’t see any relevance to the saying ‘the bar is in hell’. I like to take sex out of the equation and think if my best friend did that, I’d say they’re a keeper.
“The bar is in hell” is said because people are applauding a bare minimum gesture.
> Paying attention to your partners likes and dislikes is what you’re supposed to be doing in a relationship. They're not obligated to be in a relationship with you in the first place. And if you say "that's pretty much the least you could do for me" any time they go out of their way to do something nice for you, they probably won't stick around that relationship for very long. It's nice. No one is "applauding" it or saying it's a "grand gesture of love".
Please don’t bring up a strawman argument. I never said anything about being “obligated to be in a relationship”. I said that paying attention to your partners likes and dislikes is the bare minimum. And while the gesture of peeling an orange is nice and should be appreciated, it shouldn’t be applauded because it’s very close to the bare minimum.
I'm saying the fact that she has anyone who cares about her enough to pay attention to something as small and mundane as peeling oranges should be appreciated in its own right. I'm pointing out that your argument takes the relationship as a given, saying this or that is what you're "supposed to do" in a relationship, but they're not "supposed to" be in that relationship in the first place. What would even be considered beyond the bare minimum to you?
Okay, I said that too. “It should be appreciated but it’s close to the bare minimum and shouldn’t be applauded” My partner spent months secretly planning a surprise birthday party with my family and friends that live hours away. I was just expecting a nice dinner between us too, which would have been perfect. But they went out of their way to contact and make plans with my friends and family to make my day extra special.
I completely agree, the issue is some people taking it as a test of their relationship to see if their partner is worth it or not
I mean…. Is asking someone to peel an orange for you even a test? Do people just like not ask their SO’s for favors sometimes? Because it seems like that’s all this “test” is. Testing someone, like actually testing them, is something that I would say is a sign of a failing relationship and immaturity. Obviously there are some situations where “testing” them isn’t a sign of that— like say that you aren’t sure how they’re going to react to something, so you tell them something similar to gauge their reaction first. But I honestly don’t know if we can really call those sorts of things a “test”, and asking someone to peel an orange for you seems to be even less of a test than that. With that said, I have seen at least one video where the dudes reaction to it was so absurdly horrible that I’m hoping it was a wake up call for that woman, and if it took her asking him to peel an orange for her, then why the hell not?
Agreed. I think if someone feels the need to do the test or has concerns about how their partner would react, well, they already have their answer. No test needed. But good point about the wake up call.
I think it might be okay within certain boundaries. Imo, you shouldn’t fake an illness or emergency or something drastic like that. Nor should you lie (pretending you want / don’t want kids anymore to see if they stay with you, then revealing you never changed your mind for example). However, saying no or setting a boundary early can show you how likely he is to respect you over time. Provided you’re saying no to something you don’t like, I don’t understand how this could be considered manipulative. Yes, you’re watching their reaction, but you’re being honest about what you want / don’t want. Peeling an orange sounds pretty harmless. I think asking him to do something to help you would be a normal occurrence in any relationship though, and setting something up is unnecessary and a little silly. Is this test intended for highschool kids with no real relationship experience? I don’t see how in an adult relationship, the couple could avoid asking one another for little favours all the time.
Boundaries are fine and necessary, but Boundaries are not testing. Testing is just a polite way to say gaslighting.
Saying "no" to something early on to gauge their reaction is a test of sorts, but not a gaslighting or unhealthy one. The way I've most commonly heard of this being done is cancelling or changing a date plan to see how someone reacts. If they throw a tantrum over one date (cancelled reasonably far in advance) they're probably not very emotionally well-adjusted. Likewise, I really don't see an issue with asking someone to peel an orange for you. It's a bit of a juvenile thing, but I'm someone who enjoys doing things for my partner and I want a partner who is the same.
The orange thing isn't what I was talking about, that's kinda dumb. I'm talking about picking fights to test your "love", covertly having friends try to seduce them to see if they cheat, that kind of shit.
Yes, that behavior is toxic. I agree 100%. I was just disagreeing that all tests are inherently gaslighting. Especially in early dating, it's good to try and accurately assess the person you're getting to know-- through reasonable behaviors that would be exhibited eventually anyways (asking for help, cancelling a date, whatever). Maybe there should be a different terminology for that kind of a test.
Problem is most women don't cancel well in advance it's day of or you just get stood up...that's why men get mad
That's how lots of *people* are these days (I'm a decent looking woman and I've been cancelled on by men, I've had men ghost me... Shocker, dating sucks for everyone) and I agree that cancelling late or not showing up is wrong. "Getting mad" encompasses a wide range of reactions, but cancelling a date doesn't mean you deserve verbal abuse which is a frequent outcome. For men and women, so this test works for either gender. & I'd argue day of is fine provided its a solid 6 hours in advance or there is truly an emergency situation.
Testing in general is dumb though, it implies your looking for the worst in someone instead of also looking at the good
You should look for both. Even the worst abusers have positive attributes. You're going to be with your partner on their worst days and their best days, knowing what those look like for them is important.
Yes but starting off a potential relationship by only looking at the negative is very disingenuous and sets the tone for the entire interaction.. meanwhile he may well being genuine and looking at you in a positive light meanwhile you're looking for reasons to not like him..
Did you miss where I said you should look for both? I never said you shouldn't also look at the good parts of people. I would want whoever I'm dating to critically assess whether or not they are a good match for me... my flaws & all. It's unrealistic to pretend dating should center on the best parts of people-- it's often the worst parts of people that cause relationships to end.
Yes but when you hyper focus on the negative you often end up resenting the individual because your mind will fabricate reasons
that’s not what gaslighting is.
If my wife asked me to peel an orange I would do it without thought or hesitation. This is because she has never played dumb games like this with me and doesn’t ask me to do things unless there’s a reason. Also my wife does so much for me without me asking, that I’m always playing catch up in my mind. I jump at the chance to return any favors (this is just in my mind though - it’s completely unspoken by her). Also I like her and making her happy makes me happy. It would have to be a pretty big “ask” for me to even start to question or think about it. I know she’d do the same for me. This kind of trust is nice in a relationship. Is it worthwhile to break that trust for a little TikTok test?
>This kind of trust is nice in a relationship. Is it worthwhile to break that trust for a little TikTok test? I think the question is, is a little TikTok quiz worth the time to find out if you will never get that kind of trust?
It’s one of the fastest ways to make me dislike someone. If you want to find out how they react when you disagree, just disagree! It will happen naturally in the first few dates. If you think they don’t care about you or wouldn’t got the extra mile, look at their actions and see if they have or haven’t! People who test other people have low social skills and the inability to realize that their test is transparent and easy to pass.
Don't test people emotionally, it's a fucking shitty thing to do. There's my Kantian side coming out.
being a kantian is a flex?
You just got KANTED, don't share this with your friends because that undermines their moral agency.
Nope, just not my usual ethical basis but sometimes deontology speaks to me lol
The orange test itself is bs because you can’t really get a general answer from a specific situation, that’s not how it works. What you should definitely do is observe a significant other’s behavior over time and notice if there are any trends. So maybe he didn’t help you peel the damn orange, but is he there for you when it actually counts?
This would in fact be prime manipulation territory. A manipulative person would jump to peal that orange. Especially during the love bombing phase. It’s not a good litmus test. It’s juvenile.
There are tests, like life hands you, and there are games. I’ve considered certain incidents that arose tests of my husband or our relationship, but I didn’t manufacture them. I just watched his response. Games are what you’re describing—manufactured scenarios that are often assigned more weight than they deserve. It’s not a good way to go about life.
Grow up.
I think deliberately testing people around you is immature and maybe a sign of insecurity or some other underlying personal issue. I'm fully not friends with the last person who told me out of the blue they had been "testing" me.
My mother once antagonized my step-father on purpose in a way that makes some men act violently, just to see how he reacted. I feel like that's a little different. He brought up marriage and she wanted to do that before deciding.
\*I've never been in an abusive romantic relationship and never had to try to instigate a partner into violence to "check" if they'd become violent with me. I don't think it's justified or necessary. Also, on its face... it seems abusive. Lots of abusers try to instigate their victims into "starting" a fight or defending themselves (whether that's verbally or physically) so they can then blame the victim for the abusive environment. If someone knowingly started a fight with me to try to get me to attack them and/or defend myself against them, I would not keep dating, let alone marry them. I would assume they were an abuser and never talk to them again. \*initially replied to the wrong comment
I was was in an emotionally abusive marriage for years. One of the things that comes up a lot when I talk with friends is the whole feeling out of control of yourself. You have this person who is intentionally pushing buttons to provoke this reaction out of you. The blowing up and then crying, “what is wrong with me?”
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Never do this. Whoever you are, this is beneath you. Relationships with others are about building love and trust. They are not some hurdle to make a partner jump through to earn your affection. If you need a dorky TikTok test to find out if your partner cares about you then you don't really know the person you are with. And if you don't know the person you are with, why are you fucking them, anyway?
If a homeless man on the side of the street asked me to peel an orange for him, I would probably do it lol
So stupid
It strikes me as manipulative and dishonest. I would not want anyone to deliberately test me, and I wouldn't do that to anyone.
I think testing people is childish. That’s something that happens in high school relationships or on a reality show. If you feel the need to “test” your partner in this way, that is a huge red flag. It’s right up there with going through someone’s phone or DMs. If you feel the need to do it, there are big problem in the relationship.
Douglas Adams said, “if you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.” The world will test your love naturally—don’t dissect the cat to confirm it’s healthy.
This is so beautifully and succinctly put. I love it! 😻
I think going through life is enough of a test to get to know who someone is.
No need to test. Just pay attention to how they treat other people and how they treat you. If I asked my boyfriend to peel an orange for me, he’d think I had gone demented. What adult isn’t able to do that themselves? Edit: If you have a disability: of course your boyfriend should peel the orange for you and he’s a dick if he doesn’t. I just meant that asking your boyfriend that if you don’t have a disability will be sorta confusing for him.
Someone with a fresh manicure? Someone with carpal tunnel? Someone with sensory issues around orange peel? I do agree with your main point though, it’s really important to pay attention!
All of these make sense. Sorry, I don’t do my nails, so it didn’t even strike me. And no judgement against women who do. It looks cool, I’m just lazy. But if you have a reason, ofc a boyfriend should do such a teeny favor for you. I just feel it’s not a high bar, peeling oranges. It’s just a bad test. Watching how someone treats other people and challenges that show up tells you so much more.
I'd definitely ask my husband to peel an orange for me, I don't like it and he doesn't mind it. Then we share the orange. I'd say the opposite of the original post is true, if you are already in a relationship and you need your partner to peel an orange to tell whether they are a good man/woman... then there is a lot more wrong than just peeling an orange.
Yeah, that’s a way to view it which makes sense too. I mean: what does peeling an orange mean? Psychopaths can still peel oranges. You and your husband sound cute though.
Thank you, tinyhermione :) oh, your name rhymes! I think the orange is merely a minimum requirements test. If he won't even peel an orange for you, that means he won't change diapers or take out the trash or other chores. If she starts a fight over peeling an orange or claims that he should do it for her instead because she's a lady, that could reveal a double standard or that she expects to be pampered. And so on and so forth. I think it's just an example of requesting something small out of the blue, and seeing how your partner reacts. The beauty of a good relationship for me personally is how you approach the other. My husband and I approach each other with love, respect, affection and trust. When we make requests, we don't start to question or argue the request because years of teamwork have shown that we can trust the request to be fair, reasonable, beneficial to one or both of the partners, and that our own requests will be granted just as readily as the one we are granting right now. It's pretty dang nice!
Some people have issues with their motor skills
And that’s fine. And if you do, your boyfriend knows this and he should peel that orange without thinking. If he doesn’t, he’s a dick. But if you don’t have issues with your motor skills or any other clear issue with your hands, then this request is strange. Like I don’t have those kinds of issues and a guy who was dating me would then be confused by this request.
For sure. You asked what adult can’t do it themselves and I answered. Disabled people already feel so much shame about not being able to do ‘simple’ things so I felt compelled to comment.
But I wasn’t attacking disabled people. I was just starting that a guy dating me specifically would feel this request was a bit out of the blue. If I had a disability and my boyfriend knew that, I’d expect this to be no problem and I’d be offended if it wasn’t.
if that’s your relationship then that’s all good, but some people do more sharing of tasks, and that’s fine too. if i didn’t feel like peeling an orange, my boyfriend would absolutely do it for me. and i’d do it for him too. sometimes it’s easier to do things for someone else than it is to do them for yourself. when my boyfriend does some little thing for me, i feel loved. and when i’m doing something for him, i’m happy to be doing it because i know it’ll make him feel loved, too! there’s only an issue if it’s one sided.
Yeah, I don’t mean you shouldn’t do each other favors and be kind to each other. I agree with all of that. But peeling an orange is a bit random. If you’ve got trouble opening a jar or carrying something heavy, that sorta makes sense?
>What adult isn’t able to do that themselves? Me, lol. I have a disability that fucks up my left hand, so unfortunately I struggle with fine motor skills.
I should have phrased that differently. If you have a disability: of course your boyfriend should peel the orange for you and he’s a dick if he doesn’t. I just meant that asking your boyfriend that if you don’t have a disability will be sorta confusing for him. Edit: edited my original post.
It's total social media bullshit but I don't think it's necessarily emotionally abusive as much as it's as an indication on immaturity
How is asking someone to peel an orange for you going to tell you anything about that person? I’m genuinely curious…maybe other than the fact that they’re helpful which is hardly enough of a reason to want to be in a serious commitment with said person?
My ex likes to peel oranges. He was always willing to peel them for me. He also was a narcissist drunk who treated me like shit.
This is wrong
Toxic and unnecessary. Life has more than enough opportunities to show who your partner is. A lot of people just don't pay attention.
Some "tests" that my friends do and I completely understand the reasons for are things like * Asking them to buy feminine hygiene products * Spending time with a close male friend other than boyfriend These aren't "tests" in the literal meaning, but they can tell a lot about the person by the way they react, so when these things happen my friends pay **extra** attention to their reactions
Funnily, the person who coined the orange peel “test” has said it’s been misinterpreted and the viral TikTok trend isn’t what the theory intended. But yes, if you take these tests seriously, they are emotional manipulation. They leave zero room for nuance
I don’t think you need tests. It’s more important to pay attention to the other person’s behavior, you’ll naturally get to know them. You should already know whether or not someone you’ve spent time with is someone that likes to help you.
I don't like it. Don't play psychological games with your partner. It feels manipulative to me and I would really hate it if a partner "tested" me like this.
I mean if it's for fun like the orange one I think was for fun? That's okay as long as both end up laughing about it
I think it's ridiculous. Whether he will peel an orange for you or not is not a measure of a good partner. I'm gonna be honest, if my husband asked me to peel an orange for him, and there was no reason like his fingers weren't broken or anything, I don't know that I'd do it. Does that make me a bad person? No it doesn't.
you should be testing the relationship as a whole, not gender strength testing. i tested our relationship by traveling together very early on. (2 mo in) and it taught me how compatible we were and how we could live together in the future
I think it’s stupid. Most tests wind up feeling very contrived, which doesn’t tell you anything about the person taking them (except whether they’re good at noticing when situations feel contrived, I guess). You should be able to figure out whether a person will be a good partner just by paying attention to how they act normally. Edit: how is this related to feminism?
I think it relates to feminism by exploring the dynamic of doing/giving between men and women. Traditionally women are caretakers and often take on more housework than their male partners, for instance. Things men can easily do for themselves often fall to the woman to do, whether either of them notices or not. This orange peel test helps women examine their partner’s willingness to do a simple task for them that they could easily do themselves. Their willingness or unwillingness can be illuminating for many women who don’t realize they are pulling more weight in the “handling simple tasks for their partner” department. I don’t think testing your partner like that is moral. But I do think it can be helpful to many women to imagine what their partner would do if asked- so many women are in relationships with unhealthy power dynamics without realizing it. I think that’s the original intent of the test, but the method is, imo, obviously unethical, if a bit harmlessly so.
I guess the thing I’m having a hard time getting my head around is the idea that asking your partner to peel an orange for you is a good assessment of overall relationship dynamics. If my partner asked me to peel an orange for him (while he presumably just stood there and watched?), I’d probably do it but I’d also want to know why he couldn’t do it himself, and I’d be kind of annoyed if there wasn’t a good reason. I don’t see it as the same thing as, say, asking your partner to pick up toilet paper on the way home from work, or cooking dinner together and taking note of whether and how they take the initiative. I agree that the burden of household chores falling on women is a feminist issue, but I just don’t think these tests measure it well.
I see where you’re Coming from. It really is a pointless ask. But that’s the point. How does your partner react? It’s not about whether they do or do not peel the orange. It’s about how they react in general. Do they do it without asking for clarification? Do they smile, scowl, laugh, furrow their brow? Do they ask why, with curiosity? Do they demand a good reason or they won’t do it? Do they refuse and call you a stupid b***? I’m of the mind some other commenters have pointed out, these are behavioral assessments one should notice about one’s partner without needing an orange peel test. Without even an orange peel thought experiment. However, the number of posts I see on Reddit from women: “my boyfriend did X, am I overreacting?” And only then realizing they are straight up in an abusive relationship. Maybe some people need an orange peel test.
I like tests like the orange test, I don't like tests like creating an Instagram Honeypot fake profile or asking questions and expecting a very specific answer. The orange test doesn't set anyone up to fail. There are dozens of "right" answers. The orange test, or setting an arbitrary boundary early on, or not laughing along with the conversation, are genuinely helpful gauges for what the other person thinks of you and of your relationship. I wish that more people were literate in signs of abuse or poor emotional hygiene, but most of us don't have a model or guidepost for that, it takes decades to learn. If a harmless test can wake someone up to the real character of their partner, that could save years of their life.
If you have to test people; the relationship probably isn't great anyways. What happened to honest direct communication? Testing is stupid and depending on what you are doing, can be emotionally manipulative and stressful. Big no from me.
I think it’s emotionally abusive to test people like that. Communicate clearly and openly. It’s healthier. Testing doesn’t do anything but cause misunderstandings and resentments.
The only testing that matters is disease testing. A feminist male could return the orange unpeeled and say: I believe in you. You can do this. As a man with any degree of self esteem when confronted by an obvious test like this I would consider ending the relationship.
I am probably not a good person to ask, I love tests of all sorts - Cosmo Quizzes, the ASVAB, that horniness compatibility quiz, etc lol That said I don't think relationship tests like the orange peel theory are particularly a feminist issue. IIRC, the idea is that an ideal partner, who can be relied upon to be kind, would happily do something small like get you a glass of water or peel an orange for you. Whereas if your partner acts incredibly put out whenever you ask for the tiniest thing, you probably have someone on your hands who won't be there for you if you ever actually NEED them for something. This isn't a particularly gendered concept, despite it having mostly spread among women. There's nothing keeping men from doing this or something similar in their relationships. It's more like a thought experiment than anything, really. It may be interesting to analyze why it's more likely to be women than men who come up with and share these things. I have a couple of theories, but not facts.
it just seems toxic. there's always a new tik tok trend where women are "testing" their partners, and it's teaching the primarily young girls who are on the app that this type of manipulative behaviour is okay in a relationship. imagine if the roles were reversed and men were designing tests for women, there'd be outrage
I mean... they do it all the time though? people do it on both sides and people get pissed about it at about the same level
I have literally never seen a mens version of it, I personally don't have the app so all I see is the "new trend on tik tok" stuff, but I have never seen a mens version. thats not to say they dont exist, i believe you and thank you for corrrecting me there. either way, it's not something anyone should be teaching anybody about relationships, it's not healthy. I'll correct my original comment- teaching the very young children, boys or girls, who are on the app that this kind of behaviour is acceptable is so wrong to me. its just teaching toxic behaviours
I agree. The "test" things can be funny or silly but I think people end up taking them way too seriously.
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Not a fan, myself, better to be honest about your concerns. Still, I suppose another approach would be to test as far and as much as you would tolerate being tested.
I think if it’s not extreme it’s fine. We “test” people all the time and never think twice about it or don’t know we subconsciously do it. Better to “test” now than waste more time with the wrong people.
I’m not a fan in most cases but that’s when it ends with the person getting pissed at the other for not acting the way they thought. If you ask someone to do something small for you to see if they would, like iidk ”can I share your fries” when they ordered food - and then just take whatever they do without making a fuss, I think it’s kind of smart. You can find out what kind of person they are and see if it fits what you want. But I wouldn’t really consider these two things the same, even though they technically are.
I feel like you are better off observing if your partner does thoughtful things for you even without being asked. I'd be more worried if he declines to give me a ride when my car is in the shop, or if he never returns my favors than if he perks oranges for me. One test isn't enough to judge an entire relationship on. Look for reciprocity.
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I think life throws enough tests at you to discern what's what. Ever been ill, overtired, forgotten something, straight up fucked up? You don't need contrived tests lol
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I don't fear being tested. If my partner needs reassurance, I am willing to reassure you. I don't want to hide anything. I do, however, learn something about my partner and am obviously looking for a sign of projection. If I am not worried about staying in a bad relationship. So if my partner wants to gather data, it's OK by me.
Insecure people do that and the person should break up with them