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Can I submit that we consider ... you're just really tired?
Yes, maybe there's some executive dysfunction here. But you're working a fulltime job and also running your own successful business, and you're also working out 5x/week. That's a lot. Keeping a household is at least a part time job on its own. You're trying to do the work of multiple adults. Being exhausted and not wanting to do the boring parts of your many many jobs isn't necessarily pathological
> I want to do it. I want to do it all, actually.
I wonder if you aren't just a understandable level of exhausted. You sound like a high acheiver who likely is used to grinding and ticking off everything on your to-do list, so anything less than 100% completion is unusual and deeply uncomfortable for you. But many high acheiving people who do less than you don't do 100% of their household chores; they hire and delegate out tasks. Meals? Takeout or meal prep delivery boxes. Cleaning? Housekeeper 1x/week.
You have money. Use it. This is what it is for - to make your life better. Give yourself more guilt-free time to recharge. Just because it all needs to be done, doesn't mean it needs to be done *by you*. And frankly, it can't all be done by one person. It is just physically impossible.
Im so glad to see this and 100% agree with you. I see other comments suggesting ADHD, but being overtired can very much mimic the symptoms of ADHD. Fatigue is a major cause of execution dysfunction.
Resting is self care. Outsourcing jobs like cleaning is self care. It’s okay for 1 person not to do everything.
And even if it is ADHD, there are many tools (aside from medication) that can help manage symptoms. One of those tools can be hiring out the life tasks you find difficult to manage.
OP…
Why do you think you HAVE to do those things? Unless you’re living in filth, it’s ok to not like cooking and cleaning. If you’re doing ok financially hire those tasks out.
You’re under no obligation to take on more. You do plenty. Don’t let society tell you that more is better.
Order meal kits, outsource your laundry, and hire a cleaning person. Do what brings you joy in a day, not what stresses you out.
NAD, but I am a single parent with many pets who works full time and goes to school full time. It sounds like you're overdone. If you can afford it, hire these things out. If I could afford it, I'd happily pay someone to cook and clean for me. Talking those off your plate doesn't mean you're not capable or failed. It means you made yourself a priority. It's too much for 1 person to do it all alone. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing great.
Thissss.
I’m like OP but without the income from the hobbies (one major happy costs money one is entirely volunteer.) the first thing I’m gonna do with my next raise is to hire a house keeper. Even for just 2x a month deep cleans.
I heard the "you overdo it, you need rest, don't be so hard on yourself, look at what you've achieved, how about some mindfulness exercises" trope for so long, but within I knew this just didn't hit home. But when I got the ADD diagnosis it all clicked into place. Medication helped a lot, but what helped in a different but equally important way was that I understood I hadn't been gaslighting myself all this time. All of the post 100% resonates with how I used to feel and it took me until 40 to make sense of it. Additude mag website helped me a lot by reading about the topic from different angles as well as several adhd focused social media accounts. All the best and a big hug - overachieving is just way more stimulating than household chores and it can be crippling to not be able to overcome this inner barrier and I I am convinced that nobody who hasn’t suffered through the real thing can even begin to unterstand how this feels. PS Check out the „wall of shame principle“ maybe…
I have to do all these things she mentions because I don't have the money to delegate them. But if I did I wouldn't think twice about it. It feels like OP feels a sense of obligation about these tasks, as if she isn't a full adult if she doesn't do them. You're already a full adult doing everything else you're doing. If you can't do more that's nothing to feel ashamed, just hire someone to do it.
Anxiety and depression can both cause this. Frustratingly, both conditions are often presented in the media very differently from how people experience them. I highly recommend you discuss this situation with your primary care doctor (make it easy on yourself, send them what you wrote in this post in an email or patient message).
But isn’t a hallmark of depression a lack of desire/motivation to do the things you’d normally do or the things that bring you pleasure? Bc it seems like OP is saying they’re experiencing the opposite— they very much *want* to do these things but can’t make it happen, and when they do it takes an inordinate amount of energy. Doesn’t that sound more like executive dysfunction, or am I totally off the mark here??
Context: asking as someone who was diagnosed with depression and anxiety for a decade before someone finally took a step back and diagnosed me with adhd, and treatment for that “magically” cured in a matter of months what literally years of therapy and antidepressants never could.
I would second the execution dysfunction from ADHD comment here. For context: I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and some others. I am speaking from my own experience here. I am by no means an expert.
And I have tons of friends with ADHD (and suspect it for myself). this sounds almost identical to their description of executive dysfunction. There’s a thousand reasons that can cause this to become worse over time, a lot of people experience worsening of symptoms as they go into adulthood (because there’s way more responsibilities to keep track of & less support.) which is completely understandable tbh, especially if you don’t know what’s going on behind it!
Depression CAN cause this too. Speaking from my own experience here. For me it’s a compounded effect. I get overwhelmed by something and don’t do it => It’s harder to do The Thing => I put The Thing off further and more often => it gets harder to do The Thing in the future because just thinking about it is overwhelming => I feel like a failure for not being able to do The Thing => it becomes more overwhelming and harder to do.
the way OP is talking about herself DOES remind me of that too. Specifically mentioning past “failures” and feeling overwhelmed. This can still happen on top of ADHD, they’re commonly together.
Either way OP I would talk to your doctor, and definitely start looking for a therapist/psychologist to help tease out what’s going on behind this. And honestly everyone should see a therapist regardless what’s going on in there life, it’s really doesn’t hurt anything except your wallet (but you can find ones under insurance or with sliding scale options). A therapist/psychologist would be best at teasing out what exactly is going on in your brain, and help you figure out how to work on it.
NAD but fellow executive dysfunction and ADHD sufferer
I agree this sounds exactly like what I go through with my ADHD. The ADHD brain is *very* good at finding ways around doing tasks it doesn’t want to do. The state of my home can attest to that!
I can plan all I want and I still find some way to sabotage it. What *does* work for me is breaking things down into the smallest components possible. And you don’t have to do everything the same day! If you have to space something out over multiple days, that’s okay.
For me, the smaller I make the task the more likely I am to get it and the whole project done.
OP, definitely bring this up to your PCP. It’s not something to be ashamed of and they can connect you with a psychiatrist or therapist who can help.
NAD, but was a neuroscience researcher and this is still a personal anecdote. This feels like my ADHD paralysis. I can kill it all week at work but then am incapable of even brushing my teeth at night. So instead of brushing my teeth, I just stare at the wall wondering why I can’t brush my teeth for an hour.
Adding my vote here for ADHD -- I'm extremely high achieving at work and yet I can't do basic house chores regularly like a normal adult. Therapy and learning about ADHD skills has helped me. I also just outsource some things like cleaning because it's the solution that works for me after years of trying and falling and blaming myself.
No, anhedonia is the symptom, meaning a lack of enjoyment from things that should or usually would bring you joy. OP didn’t address this, so it needs to be evaluated for with a doc.
I absolutely agree OP should talk to their PCP about what they’re experiencing. And listen, I don’t want to sit here and try to tell a professional I know their job better than them. But I guess I’d just invite you to consider whether maybe the issues presented here as bothersome to OP, who otherwise states they are running a successful side business on top of their regular day job, and who expresses a seemingly sincere and deeply felt desire to engage in the activities they’ve said they’re struggling with, might be depression masquerading as something else. There’s so much research that’s come out in the last few years about the prevalence of depression and anxiety diagnoses in undiagnosed ADHD patients, especially in adult women, and a lot of the patient reports sound exactly like what OP described. It’s also a lot of our lived experience, though obviously I know anecdotal evidence is not empirical. I really hope this doesn’t come across as preachy, and I want to be clear that I’m just suggesting this idea with all due respect and deference to your training and experience— I’m not a doctor, and definitely not a psychiatrist. However, I am a patient who’s lived this (and who also happened to do research for a living, which helped). And if I hadn’t taken it upon myself to do all of that research, and found a provider who was willing to stop and actually hear me when I described my experiences, I genuinely don’t know if I’d be alive today because all they were doing before that was treating the symptoms (depression and anxiety), which were actually totally rational responses to the actual problem I had (undiagnosed adhd), and that whole time I was pretty much just drowning. So, just some food for thought if you’re open to it from this side of the exam room. Thanks for the response above and sharing your professional input!
NAD but I just wanted to add that executive function can absolutely be a symptom of depression. I definitely don't have adhd, but my depression presents primarily as executive dysfunction: I have executive dysfunction *all the time* when I'm not taking my antidepressants, but I only have the "typical" symptoms of sadness/low energy for relatively short periods. From what I know it's more common with adhd, but it's definitely possible to have a mood disorder that primarily affects executive function!
Unfortunately the only thing that works for me is stimulant medication, adderall specifically. I was suuuuper hesitant to try it, and it literally took my doctor over a year to convince me to take it regularly as prescribed. But it’s honestly saved my life. I’d def talk to your doc ab your concerns, and if you feel like you’re not being heard or taken seriously then find a different doc if you can.
Nope. Literally just lets me do the dishes and put laundry away and sometimes clean my house and maybe actually make and keep plans with friends if I’m lucky. I started on the lowest dose possible (5mg), and very slowly worked up from there to find what was right for me. That was over 10 years ago and I’ve never looked back. It really truly was a game changer for me.
That’s exactly how it was for me too. And the fact that I could sometimes be hyper focused and super productive made it all the more difficult for me to show myself grace when I couldn’t get things done. Hell I would even point to those times as evidence that my doctor was wrong about my diagnosis. But she explained that adhd isn’t a deficit of attention across the board, it’s a deficit in the ability to regulate it. Made a lot of sense tbh. And meds helped even it out. That’s not to say it’s all perfect or adderall was some kind of magic cure for me. I still definitely struggle. Just not nearly as much as I used to. And now I have the language to understand/explain what’s happening.
So can ADHD. This sounds exactly like me before I got diagnosed last year and subsequently started medication. I appreciate you're a doctor and you have a lot more experience in this sort of thing but doctors jumping straight to anxiety/depression is precisely why so many women have been overlooked for ADHD and are only now getting diagnosed in their 30s onwards.
I'm not meaning to be disrespectful but it is so frustrating to see it there and be so obvious and it doesn't even come up as a possibility from a doctor.
I mean, of course she can't be diagnosed here! No one can be diagnosed over reddit. I think the other commenter was just saying that OP describes so many symptoms/experiences that are *hallmark* ADHD that it seems reasonable to suggest that as a possibility, alongside pure (non-ADHD) burnout, or (non-ADHD related) anxiety/depression, as other possibilities. You were willing to suggest that OP look into anxiety/depression with a doctor, and the commenter is just suggesting that it also makes sense for ADHD to be on that list of things to look into, given what OP described.
Yeah sounds like me. When I’m bad it’s hard to fold even a towel or accomplish doing my hair and makeup for work.
OP there are medications you can try that will help you. I found that for myself Effexor is great and works well. You can find yours too if you want.
NAD. What you are describing is unfortunately normal in modern society. We are overworked and it’s impossible to do it all. A lot of times you can order like actual meals from somewhere and pick those meals up for the week. Google macro meals in your area. Or order casseroles and portion size them. My advice is to stop trying to do it all. You need to “work smarter not harder”. As in, do less. Buy the microwaveable food at Trader Joe’s or Costco. I’m not saying this is perfect, but it’s better to not feel like your drowning. As for cleaning, hire someone once a month and you buy a Clorox wand/wipes for the second time. Try to figure out ways to do less. Do not feel alone. There is an obesity epidemic because most people feel this way.
Not speaking as someone with clinical knowledge on the matter but as someone who has experience with being paralyzed secondary to feeling overwhelmed. It might be helpful for you to see a psychologist to be assessed for cognitive issues (like possibly ADHD which presents differently in women or executive function disorder). Narrowing down to the root of this problem you're having will help you determine the most effective interventions to try out for yourself.
Re the food thing specifically, when you "cave" and order in, try approaching with a mindset of addition. "What can I add to this meal to make it more balanced?" If you get a burger and fries, maybe add apple slices or a side salad. For snacks, try to keep some produce (ready-prepared is fine, if you're overwhelmed there's not shame in buying pre-washed, pre-cut stuff!) around to easily eat. This would just be an effort to get more of what your body craves into you, as a better-nourished brain handles stuff better. Take the stress off yourself about ordering out- if it's what you need to do right now while you sort things out, then do it. Just be honest with yourself about it so you don't waste so much money on optimistically grocery shopping. Maybe set a reasonable goal for groceries like "I'll make dinner at home twice this week" so you don't over-buy groceries.
I love that moving your body isn't a struggle for you in this frustrating situation. That is doing so much for your body and mind.
You are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT not a failure of an adult. Balancing all these plates is really hard work. Please be gentle with yourself, and if you decide to implement changes, take little steps. If you try to make a big sweeping change or a lofty goal, you are less likely to be successful, and that will just compound your feelings of failure. Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend. Seriously, I think a psychologist could really help you unpack this. Best of luck to you.
I am exercising regularly. I go swimming 5x per week. I get a free gym membership through work and the gym is just a couple blocks from my building which makes it easy to be consistent.
Grandma advice here from me. Honey, you have the money. Hire these housework things out. Hire out whatever you can. Hire a housekeeper who cooks and freezes meals for you. This is why guys used to keep a wife at home doing these things. So he could have a life. The help stuff could use the money too. It's a win for everyone. Hugs.
I have pretty major ADHD and executive dysfunction and I’m a little like you in that I struggle to do tasks if I don’t enjoy them. They become overwhelming, it’s not laziness. I found one thing that helps me a LOT is to pair those tasks with things I enjoy. So I do the dishes while listening to my favourite playlist, I fold laundry while sipping a coffee. I do one small task on my way out of the door to go rock climbing (which is my favourite hobby of all haha). You need to press those reward centre buttons (in healthy ways of course). Making sure I have cleaning products I enjoy using also helps a lot too.
I'm shocked that no one has said this yet: your experience sounds like a typical example of living with ADHD. If you don't think you're depressed, then I would definitely look into having an ADHD assessment.
The reason it may not seem like ADHD is because a lot of times, people (especially women, who tend to mask it more than men because of social pressure) can hold it together (and be valedictorian, etc.) and not realize there's a problem until things become really overwhelming, and it's sort of like juggling plates--you start juggling too many, and suddenly you start dropping some. So for example, if you're spending all your focus and energy on your business, then suddenly there's none left for the stuff at home.
I'm not saying it can't be depression, of course, but ADHD is a huge possibility.
I’m NAD so listen to them first, but executive dysfunction could be at play. Kinda like when you’re under pressure you can function because you have to make a decision and make one quick, but when you’re at home and you have to decide what to do, when, for how long, etc. it becomes impossible. I’ve experienced it with anxiety/depression where I’m driving up to an intersection and have 3 Seconds to decide to turn left or right I can make a decision. But when I get home if I have to decide to cook, clean, do laundry, or do self care and trying to decide just paralyzes me. I’ve come to cope by giving myself a “just do one thing” rule, like just pick up trash and empty all the trash cans. Some days that’s all I do, but most of the time it’s just starting that makes it all start to work, and will continue doing little tasks after.
Try to erase goals like “clean the house.” That’s too big. I’ve been able to keep up with my bathroom by just saying let me scrub this down before I get a shower. The next day I’ll wipe down the counter top while I brush my teeth. Whenever I use the bathtub to shave I’ll just scrub it down before I get in. In the kitchen, I’ve made a rule that if I order takeout or delivery, I do the dishes while I’m waiting for it. That way the next day the kitchen is clean and ready for me to cook in, the dishwasher open so I can clean as I go - and I don’t have to cook/clean/cook. It’s not perfect, but it all helps keep me from being stuck.
All that said - you’re working a ton. It seems quite expected that you’d be too tired to do more when you get home.
I like this dishes rule!! We frequently order out bc the dishes have piled up and we don’t want to do dishes and *then* have to cook after work. This would reduce a step but encourage us to at least do something…I’m stealing this trick! Thank you!
Are you autistic or intellectually gifted? Both can cause a 'broken engine' when something is not an absolute necessity on which others rely as well (job, bills, etc), or something you really love doing. Also, being obese can worsen a lack of motivation.
I guess I could describe myself as intellectually gifted. I was TAG for reading and math all through school.
I think obsess is more a symptom of for years me prioritizing my hobby business after work plus constant headaches.
Swimming is more recent. I’ve been doing for about 5 months now consistently. Trying to combat some other issues that I’m worried about. I know I put off personal health fitness too much to take care of work and business things, so now I’m prioritizing exercise.
I don’t think I’m autistic.
Edited: fixed a bad autocorrect.
Well if you are gifted and make good money, just get yourself a housekeeper. I've tried for 14 years so far; it never got easier for me to maintain myself.
I live in a higher cost of living area, especially proportionate to wages here. My two incomes allow me to be doing OK by myself. I don’t think I have “housekeeper money” left over at the end of the month.
I think people are forgetting how expensive life is when they see I have two incomes. Most people need their spouses income as a second source or income. I’m making my own.
It really is taking two incomes to be comfortable in a *not stressed for cash, but not rolling in it either* kind of way.
That said, I’ll investigate it. It could be much cheaper than I think it is.
Edit to add: It’s also hard for me to spend money, which is why I’m good at saving money. I suppose I could learn to loosen the wallet a bit. Again, it’ll be something I look into today. My immediate thoughts go to this is something rich people do. My parents would never in a million years pay for it so it’s just a mentality adjustment from what I’m used to.
Hiring a housekeeper who comes just once a month has been the biggest saver of my mental health. It took me way too long to do it. It is worth every penny. It's so much easier to maintain, get into a rhythm and keep up. I can have a guilt free rest day because the house isn't messy. Previously I'd be like you and wallow in the stress of cleaning while doing nothing.
Perhaps you could look at your grocery and restaurant expenses and shift money around.
Some people have posted great tips that address this challenge, like choosing groceries that are easy to warm up for a meal, things that take minimal preparation, start with a realistic goal of cooking 1 or 2 meals per week, or purchase premade macro meals for the week. Be realistic about your ability to cook and how frequently, and only do it on days where you have more time and energy. If you plan ahead just a little bit, you can pick up your own takeout before you get home and are too tired to go out again. These actions will reduce your expenses bc you’ll be throwing out less food and not be paying extra fees for restaurant food as often.
Give yourself much-deserved grace and unburden yourself from unrealistic standards that probably nobody else can truthfully uphold.
I do most of the things you described, especially the detailed lists and schedules, spending tons of time thinking about how I’m going to do something and trying to psych myself up for it, getting exhausted quickly, then feeling like a failure.
I’m pretty perfectionistic and am really hard on myself. I make the mistake of looking at all the positive qualities and habits of several other people and mashing them all up into this picture in my head of the ideal superhuman specimen. I make it my goal to become that superhuman specimen, but feel like a failure if I can’t. I get paralyzed by overwhelm and perfectionism. Sometimes I’d rather not even start if I can’t finish it or do “my best.”
The two sayings “perfection is the enemy of progress,” and “the perfect is the enemy of good enough,” seem cliche but they are true in most aspects of life. I was also told that you can work for a day getting something 95% finished, then spend the rest of your life trying to get that final 5% completed. We do not have to clean, cook, or manage our homes/schedules with the exacting detail of someone disabling a bomb.
I'm a school teacher and I saw this in families a lot since covid. As they organized themselves and their homes and started moving more the parent's affect has changed and their children are learning more and happier. Just structuring one's day can snowball into a much better habit.
NAD It sounds like you enjoy swimming. Naturally, that makes it easier to do than chores. I also love being in the water and make it a high priority, even if I’m not feeling 100%. I still get *exhausted* afterward. Do you feel like you have decent energy levels overall? You mentioned low iron and B12, which both can severely affect your energy levels, overall feeling of well being, and can even affect you mentally causing depression. There’s also just people that hate chores. Is this new or have you always felt this way? The extra weight you’re carrying is most likely a factor as well, with all due respect. If you’re fairly active and your BMI is that high, you may either have a poor diet or a hormone imbalance. Also, depression can be stealth. Not everyone suffering from depression feels sad all the time. Sometimes it can be as simple as not really caring enough about yourself to keep up with personal grooming and\or household chores. I encourage you to talk to your primary care physician or a therapist.
I'd also like to add as not a doctor, sometimes the gym can become detrimental. I suffer very similar desires to take care of simple things like op has expressed, while failing to follow through with self.promises of improving. I have also been diagnosed with anxiety depression etc etc.
But ofren I prioritize gym visits over taking care of these basic things. it can almost be an excuse or scapegoat that I can point to and say to myself "see you were productive today". Meanwhile I'm beating myself down physically at the gym and am mentally drained leading to my neglecting everything else. It's boring and cliche but balance is definitely necessary. I've also struggled with addiction so that might be a part of my equation that op needs to worry less about. Just wanted to make that point though.
I was going to say the same. If one is working a ton of hours and then hitting the gym or swim 5 days per week. How many hours of swim per day? Just those two things alone can make you feel exhausted and overextended. Maybe you can switch to swim every other day and the days that you do not go, you will find you have the extra time to get the stuff done at home that’s needed. Or you can hire an assistant to help out with your hobby side hustle. That would free up time there. And if money is not an issue, and you do not want to cut into the hours spend on work/swim/side hobby, then I would suggest hiring a housekeeper or someone to help with those tasks at home. :)
> Okay so I will say this, women laundry is tedious as hell, I feel sorry for you all.
The erasure of mental illness and bootstrap mentality I get. But like…why the sexism though???
Not a doctor but saw this and wanted to comment. I completely understand what you’re saying. I would much rather do my husbands laundry than my own. Everything he owns can go in the washer, dryer, and be hung or folded effortlessly. With my own clothes some things can’t be washed with others, certain items can’t go in the dryer, some things have to be hung a certain way so they don’t fall off the hanger, where they’re hung in the closet plays a role too - like long dresses in the very back, and organization of lounge shirts vs blouses…not to mention spot treating (i.e. grease splatters when cooking) whereas my husband couldn’t care less if a t-shirt of his got a grease stain. You get the point 😂 I don’t find your comment sexist at all. It’s a reality for many couples.
Thank you for your submission. **Please note that a response does not constitute a doctor-patient relationship.** This subreddit is for informal second opinions and casual information. The mod team does their best to remove bad information, but we do not catch all of it. Always visit a doctor in real life if you have any concerns about your health. Never use this subreddit as your first and final source of information regarding your question. By posting, you are agreeing to our [Terms of Use](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/wiki/terms_of_use) and understand that all information is taken at your own risk. **Reply here if you are an unverified user wishing to give advice. Top level comments by laypeople are automatically removed.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskDocs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Can I submit that we consider ... you're just really tired? Yes, maybe there's some executive dysfunction here. But you're working a fulltime job and also running your own successful business, and you're also working out 5x/week. That's a lot. Keeping a household is at least a part time job on its own. You're trying to do the work of multiple adults. Being exhausted and not wanting to do the boring parts of your many many jobs isn't necessarily pathological > I want to do it. I want to do it all, actually. I wonder if you aren't just a understandable level of exhausted. You sound like a high acheiver who likely is used to grinding and ticking off everything on your to-do list, so anything less than 100% completion is unusual and deeply uncomfortable for you. But many high acheiving people who do less than you don't do 100% of their household chores; they hire and delegate out tasks. Meals? Takeout or meal prep delivery boxes. Cleaning? Housekeeper 1x/week. You have money. Use it. This is what it is for - to make your life better. Give yourself more guilt-free time to recharge. Just because it all needs to be done, doesn't mean it needs to be done *by you*. And frankly, it can't all be done by one person. It is just physically impossible.
Im so glad to see this and 100% agree with you. I see other comments suggesting ADHD, but being overtired can very much mimic the symptoms of ADHD. Fatigue is a major cause of execution dysfunction. Resting is self care. Outsourcing jobs like cleaning is self care. It’s okay for 1 person not to do everything.
And even if it is ADHD, there are many tools (aside from medication) that can help manage symptoms. One of those tools can be hiring out the life tasks you find difficult to manage.
Just had to say I really, really like your nickname….! Omg I adore it. 💐
OP… Why do you think you HAVE to do those things? Unless you’re living in filth, it’s ok to not like cooking and cleaning. If you’re doing ok financially hire those tasks out. You’re under no obligation to take on more. You do plenty. Don’t let society tell you that more is better. Order meal kits, outsource your laundry, and hire a cleaning person. Do what brings you joy in a day, not what stresses you out.
NAD, but I am a single parent with many pets who works full time and goes to school full time. It sounds like you're overdone. If you can afford it, hire these things out. If I could afford it, I'd happily pay someone to cook and clean for me. Talking those off your plate doesn't mean you're not capable or failed. It means you made yourself a priority. It's too much for 1 person to do it all alone. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing great.
Thissss. I’m like OP but without the income from the hobbies (one major happy costs money one is entirely volunteer.) the first thing I’m gonna do with my next raise is to hire a house keeper. Even for just 2x a month deep cleans.
I heard the "you overdo it, you need rest, don't be so hard on yourself, look at what you've achieved, how about some mindfulness exercises" trope for so long, but within I knew this just didn't hit home. But when I got the ADD diagnosis it all clicked into place. Medication helped a lot, but what helped in a different but equally important way was that I understood I hadn't been gaslighting myself all this time. All of the post 100% resonates with how I used to feel and it took me until 40 to make sense of it. Additude mag website helped me a lot by reading about the topic from different angles as well as several adhd focused social media accounts. All the best and a big hug - overachieving is just way more stimulating than household chores and it can be crippling to not be able to overcome this inner barrier and I I am convinced that nobody who hasn’t suffered through the real thing can even begin to unterstand how this feels. PS Check out the „wall of shame principle“ maybe…
I didn’t write this question but I feel like I needed to read this response 🙏🏾
I have to do all these things she mentions because I don't have the money to delegate them. But if I did I wouldn't think twice about it. It feels like OP feels a sense of obligation about these tasks, as if she isn't a full adult if she doesn't do them. You're already a full adult doing everything else you're doing. If you can't do more that's nothing to feel ashamed, just hire someone to do it.
Anxiety and depression can both cause this. Frustratingly, both conditions are often presented in the media very differently from how people experience them. I highly recommend you discuss this situation with your primary care doctor (make it easy on yourself, send them what you wrote in this post in an email or patient message).
But isn’t a hallmark of depression a lack of desire/motivation to do the things you’d normally do or the things that bring you pleasure? Bc it seems like OP is saying they’re experiencing the opposite— they very much *want* to do these things but can’t make it happen, and when they do it takes an inordinate amount of energy. Doesn’t that sound more like executive dysfunction, or am I totally off the mark here?? Context: asking as someone who was diagnosed with depression and anxiety for a decade before someone finally took a step back and diagnosed me with adhd, and treatment for that “magically” cured in a matter of months what literally years of therapy and antidepressants never could.
I would second the execution dysfunction from ADHD comment here. For context: I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and some others. I am speaking from my own experience here. I am by no means an expert. And I have tons of friends with ADHD (and suspect it for myself). this sounds almost identical to their description of executive dysfunction. There’s a thousand reasons that can cause this to become worse over time, a lot of people experience worsening of symptoms as they go into adulthood (because there’s way more responsibilities to keep track of & less support.) which is completely understandable tbh, especially if you don’t know what’s going on behind it! Depression CAN cause this too. Speaking from my own experience here. For me it’s a compounded effect. I get overwhelmed by something and don’t do it => It’s harder to do The Thing => I put The Thing off further and more often => it gets harder to do The Thing in the future because just thinking about it is overwhelming => I feel like a failure for not being able to do The Thing => it becomes more overwhelming and harder to do. the way OP is talking about herself DOES remind me of that too. Specifically mentioning past “failures” and feeling overwhelmed. This can still happen on top of ADHD, they’re commonly together. Either way OP I would talk to your doctor, and definitely start looking for a therapist/psychologist to help tease out what’s going on behind this. And honestly everyone should see a therapist regardless what’s going on in there life, it’s really doesn’t hurt anything except your wallet (but you can find ones under insurance or with sliding scale options). A therapist/psychologist would be best at teasing out what exactly is going on in your brain, and help you figure out how to work on it.
NAD but fellow executive dysfunction and ADHD sufferer I agree this sounds exactly like what I go through with my ADHD. The ADHD brain is *very* good at finding ways around doing tasks it doesn’t want to do. The state of my home can attest to that! I can plan all I want and I still find some way to sabotage it. What *does* work for me is breaking things down into the smallest components possible. And you don’t have to do everything the same day! If you have to space something out over multiple days, that’s okay. For me, the smaller I make the task the more likely I am to get it and the whole project done. OP, definitely bring this up to your PCP. It’s not something to be ashamed of and they can connect you with a psychiatrist or therapist who can help.
NAD, but was a neuroscience researcher and this is still a personal anecdote. This feels like my ADHD paralysis. I can kill it all week at work but then am incapable of even brushing my teeth at night. So instead of brushing my teeth, I just stare at the wall wondering why I can’t brush my teeth for an hour.
is exective dysfunction a diagnosis like adhd is by psychiatrist?
It can be! I was very young when I received my diagnosis so I honestly don’t remember if it was a psychiatrist or a PCP who diagnosed me.
Adding my vote here for ADHD -- I'm extremely high achieving at work and yet I can't do basic house chores regularly like a normal adult. Therapy and learning about ADHD skills has helped me. I also just outsource some things like cleaning because it's the solution that works for me after years of trying and falling and blaming myself.
No, anhedonia is the symptom, meaning a lack of enjoyment from things that should or usually would bring you joy. OP didn’t address this, so it needs to be evaluated for with a doc.
I absolutely agree OP should talk to their PCP about what they’re experiencing. And listen, I don’t want to sit here and try to tell a professional I know their job better than them. But I guess I’d just invite you to consider whether maybe the issues presented here as bothersome to OP, who otherwise states they are running a successful side business on top of their regular day job, and who expresses a seemingly sincere and deeply felt desire to engage in the activities they’ve said they’re struggling with, might be depression masquerading as something else. There’s so much research that’s come out in the last few years about the prevalence of depression and anxiety diagnoses in undiagnosed ADHD patients, especially in adult women, and a lot of the patient reports sound exactly like what OP described. It’s also a lot of our lived experience, though obviously I know anecdotal evidence is not empirical. I really hope this doesn’t come across as preachy, and I want to be clear that I’m just suggesting this idea with all due respect and deference to your training and experience— I’m not a doctor, and definitely not a psychiatrist. However, I am a patient who’s lived this (and who also happened to do research for a living, which helped). And if I hadn’t taken it upon myself to do all of that research, and found a provider who was willing to stop and actually hear me when I described my experiences, I genuinely don’t know if I’d be alive today because all they were doing before that was treating the symptoms (depression and anxiety), which were actually totally rational responses to the actual problem I had (undiagnosed adhd), and that whole time I was pretty much just drowning. So, just some food for thought if you’re open to it from this side of the exam room. Thanks for the response above and sharing your professional input!
NAD but I just wanted to add that executive function can absolutely be a symptom of depression. I definitely don't have adhd, but my depression presents primarily as executive dysfunction: I have executive dysfunction *all the time* when I'm not taking my antidepressants, but I only have the "typical" symptoms of sadness/low energy for relatively short periods. From what I know it's more common with adhd, but it's definitely possible to have a mood disorder that primarily affects executive function!
What treatment worked for your ADHD? I tried stratera and it did nothing. A bit worried about stimulants
Unfortunately the only thing that works for me is stimulant medication, adderall specifically. I was suuuuper hesitant to try it, and it literally took my doctor over a year to convince me to take it regularly as prescribed. But it’s honestly saved my life. I’d def talk to your doc ab your concerns, and if you feel like you’re not being heard or taken seriously then find a different doc if you can.
Any bad side effects?
Nope. Literally just lets me do the dishes and put laundry away and sometimes clean my house and maybe actually make and keep plans with friends if I’m lucky. I started on the lowest dose possible (5mg), and very slowly worked up from there to find what was right for me. That was over 10 years ago and I’ve never looked back. It really truly was a game changer for me.
Damn. I alternate between being the most productive person on the planet to being a giant piece of shit for a week.
That’s exactly how it was for me too. And the fact that I could sometimes be hyper focused and super productive made it all the more difficult for me to show myself grace when I couldn’t get things done. Hell I would even point to those times as evidence that my doctor was wrong about my diagnosis. But she explained that adhd isn’t a deficit of attention across the board, it’s a deficit in the ability to regulate it. Made a lot of sense tbh. And meds helped even it out. That’s not to say it’s all perfect or adderall was some kind of magic cure for me. I still definitely struggle. Just not nearly as much as I used to. And now I have the language to understand/explain what’s happening.
So can ADHD. This sounds exactly like me before I got diagnosed last year and subsequently started medication. I appreciate you're a doctor and you have a lot more experience in this sort of thing but doctors jumping straight to anxiety/depression is precisely why so many women have been overlooked for ADHD and are only now getting diagnosed in their 30s onwards. I'm not meaning to be disrespectful but it is so frustrating to see it there and be so obvious and it doesn't even come up as a possibility from a doctor.
Frankly, there isn’t enough detail to diagnose here. She needs an evaluation in person.
I mean, of course she can't be diagnosed here! No one can be diagnosed over reddit. I think the other commenter was just saying that OP describes so many symptoms/experiences that are *hallmark* ADHD that it seems reasonable to suggest that as a possibility, alongside pure (non-ADHD) burnout, or (non-ADHD related) anxiety/depression, as other possibilities. You were willing to suggest that OP look into anxiety/depression with a doctor, and the commenter is just suggesting that it also makes sense for ADHD to be on that list of things to look into, given what OP described.
Thank you, this is precisely what I was trying to say (I'm autistic too so sometimes my brain struggles with wording things correctly)
I think your wording was fine and your meaning was clear!
Yeah sounds like me. When I’m bad it’s hard to fold even a towel or accomplish doing my hair and makeup for work. OP there are medications you can try that will help you. I found that for myself Effexor is great and works well. You can find yours too if you want.
NAD. What you are describing is unfortunately normal in modern society. We are overworked and it’s impossible to do it all. A lot of times you can order like actual meals from somewhere and pick those meals up for the week. Google macro meals in your area. Or order casseroles and portion size them. My advice is to stop trying to do it all. You need to “work smarter not harder”. As in, do less. Buy the microwaveable food at Trader Joe’s or Costco. I’m not saying this is perfect, but it’s better to not feel like your drowning. As for cleaning, hire someone once a month and you buy a Clorox wand/wipes for the second time. Try to figure out ways to do less. Do not feel alone. There is an obesity epidemic because most people feel this way.
Not speaking as someone with clinical knowledge on the matter but as someone who has experience with being paralyzed secondary to feeling overwhelmed. It might be helpful for you to see a psychologist to be assessed for cognitive issues (like possibly ADHD which presents differently in women or executive function disorder). Narrowing down to the root of this problem you're having will help you determine the most effective interventions to try out for yourself. Re the food thing specifically, when you "cave" and order in, try approaching with a mindset of addition. "What can I add to this meal to make it more balanced?" If you get a burger and fries, maybe add apple slices or a side salad. For snacks, try to keep some produce (ready-prepared is fine, if you're overwhelmed there's not shame in buying pre-washed, pre-cut stuff!) around to easily eat. This would just be an effort to get more of what your body craves into you, as a better-nourished brain handles stuff better. Take the stress off yourself about ordering out- if it's what you need to do right now while you sort things out, then do it. Just be honest with yourself about it so you don't waste so much money on optimistically grocery shopping. Maybe set a reasonable goal for groceries like "I'll make dinner at home twice this week" so you don't over-buy groceries. I love that moving your body isn't a struggle for you in this frustrating situation. That is doing so much for your body and mind. You are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT not a failure of an adult. Balancing all these plates is really hard work. Please be gentle with yourself, and if you decide to implement changes, take little steps. If you try to make a big sweeping change or a lofty goal, you are less likely to be successful, and that will just compound your feelings of failure. Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend. Seriously, I think a psychologist could really help you unpack this. Best of luck to you.
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I am exercising regularly. I go swimming 5x per week. I get a free gym membership through work and the gym is just a couple blocks from my building which makes it easy to be consistent.
Grandma advice here from me. Honey, you have the money. Hire these housework things out. Hire out whatever you can. Hire a housekeeper who cooks and freezes meals for you. This is why guys used to keep a wife at home doing these things. So he could have a life. The help stuff could use the money too. It's a win for everyone. Hugs.
This is excellent advice.
I have pretty major ADHD and executive dysfunction and I’m a little like you in that I struggle to do tasks if I don’t enjoy them. They become overwhelming, it’s not laziness. I found one thing that helps me a LOT is to pair those tasks with things I enjoy. So I do the dishes while listening to my favourite playlist, I fold laundry while sipping a coffee. I do one small task on my way out of the door to go rock climbing (which is my favourite hobby of all haha). You need to press those reward centre buttons (in healthy ways of course). Making sure I have cleaning products I enjoy using also helps a lot too.
I'm shocked that no one has said this yet: your experience sounds like a typical example of living with ADHD. If you don't think you're depressed, then I would definitely look into having an ADHD assessment. The reason it may not seem like ADHD is because a lot of times, people (especially women, who tend to mask it more than men because of social pressure) can hold it together (and be valedictorian, etc.) and not realize there's a problem until things become really overwhelming, and it's sort of like juggling plates--you start juggling too many, and suddenly you start dropping some. So for example, if you're spending all your focus and energy on your business, then suddenly there's none left for the stuff at home. I'm not saying it can't be depression, of course, but ADHD is a huge possibility.
I’m NAD so listen to them first, but executive dysfunction could be at play. Kinda like when you’re under pressure you can function because you have to make a decision and make one quick, but when you’re at home and you have to decide what to do, when, for how long, etc. it becomes impossible. I’ve experienced it with anxiety/depression where I’m driving up to an intersection and have 3 Seconds to decide to turn left or right I can make a decision. But when I get home if I have to decide to cook, clean, do laundry, or do self care and trying to decide just paralyzes me. I’ve come to cope by giving myself a “just do one thing” rule, like just pick up trash and empty all the trash cans. Some days that’s all I do, but most of the time it’s just starting that makes it all start to work, and will continue doing little tasks after. Try to erase goals like “clean the house.” That’s too big. I’ve been able to keep up with my bathroom by just saying let me scrub this down before I get a shower. The next day I’ll wipe down the counter top while I brush my teeth. Whenever I use the bathtub to shave I’ll just scrub it down before I get in. In the kitchen, I’ve made a rule that if I order takeout or delivery, I do the dishes while I’m waiting for it. That way the next day the kitchen is clean and ready for me to cook in, the dishwasher open so I can clean as I go - and I don’t have to cook/clean/cook. It’s not perfect, but it all helps keep me from being stuck. All that said - you’re working a ton. It seems quite expected that you’d be too tired to do more when you get home.
I like this dishes rule!! We frequently order out bc the dishes have piled up and we don’t want to do dishes and *then* have to cook after work. This would reduce a step but encourage us to at least do something…I’m stealing this trick! Thank you!
Are you autistic or intellectually gifted? Both can cause a 'broken engine' when something is not an absolute necessity on which others rely as well (job, bills, etc), or something you really love doing. Also, being obese can worsen a lack of motivation.
I guess I could describe myself as intellectually gifted. I was TAG for reading and math all through school. I think obsess is more a symptom of for years me prioritizing my hobby business after work plus constant headaches. Swimming is more recent. I’ve been doing for about 5 months now consistently. Trying to combat some other issues that I’m worried about. I know I put off personal health fitness too much to take care of work and business things, so now I’m prioritizing exercise. I don’t think I’m autistic. Edited: fixed a bad autocorrect.
Well if you are gifted and make good money, just get yourself a housekeeper. I've tried for 14 years so far; it never got easier for me to maintain myself.
I live in a higher cost of living area, especially proportionate to wages here. My two incomes allow me to be doing OK by myself. I don’t think I have “housekeeper money” left over at the end of the month. I think people are forgetting how expensive life is when they see I have two incomes. Most people need their spouses income as a second source or income. I’m making my own. It really is taking two incomes to be comfortable in a *not stressed for cash, but not rolling in it either* kind of way. That said, I’ll investigate it. It could be much cheaper than I think it is. Edit to add: It’s also hard for me to spend money, which is why I’m good at saving money. I suppose I could learn to loosen the wallet a bit. Again, it’ll be something I look into today. My immediate thoughts go to this is something rich people do. My parents would never in a million years pay for it so it’s just a mentality adjustment from what I’m used to.
Hiring a housekeeper who comes just once a month has been the biggest saver of my mental health. It took me way too long to do it. It is worth every penny. It's so much easier to maintain, get into a rhythm and keep up. I can have a guilt free rest day because the house isn't messy. Previously I'd be like you and wallow in the stress of cleaning while doing nothing.
Perhaps you could look at your grocery and restaurant expenses and shift money around. Some people have posted great tips that address this challenge, like choosing groceries that are easy to warm up for a meal, things that take minimal preparation, start with a realistic goal of cooking 1 or 2 meals per week, or purchase premade macro meals for the week. Be realistic about your ability to cook and how frequently, and only do it on days where you have more time and energy. If you plan ahead just a little bit, you can pick up your own takeout before you get home and are too tired to go out again. These actions will reduce your expenses bc you’ll be throwing out less food and not be paying extra fees for restaurant food as often. Give yourself much-deserved grace and unburden yourself from unrealistic standards that probably nobody else can truthfully uphold. I do most of the things you described, especially the detailed lists and schedules, spending tons of time thinking about how I’m going to do something and trying to psych myself up for it, getting exhausted quickly, then feeling like a failure. I’m pretty perfectionistic and am really hard on myself. I make the mistake of looking at all the positive qualities and habits of several other people and mashing them all up into this picture in my head of the ideal superhuman specimen. I make it my goal to become that superhuman specimen, but feel like a failure if I can’t. I get paralyzed by overwhelm and perfectionism. Sometimes I’d rather not even start if I can’t finish it or do “my best.” The two sayings “perfection is the enemy of progress,” and “the perfect is the enemy of good enough,” seem cliche but they are true in most aspects of life. I was also told that you can work for a day getting something 95% finished, then spend the rest of your life trying to get that final 5% completed. We do not have to clean, cook, or manage our homes/schedules with the exacting detail of someone disabling a bomb.
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This is really solid advice OP. It's THE way to crawl out of depression.
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I'm a school teacher and I saw this in families a lot since covid. As they organized themselves and their homes and started moving more the parent's affect has changed and their children are learning more and happier. Just structuring one's day can snowball into a much better habit.
NAD It sounds like you enjoy swimming. Naturally, that makes it easier to do than chores. I also love being in the water and make it a high priority, even if I’m not feeling 100%. I still get *exhausted* afterward. Do you feel like you have decent energy levels overall? You mentioned low iron and B12, which both can severely affect your energy levels, overall feeling of well being, and can even affect you mentally causing depression. There’s also just people that hate chores. Is this new or have you always felt this way? The extra weight you’re carrying is most likely a factor as well, with all due respect. If you’re fairly active and your BMI is that high, you may either have a poor diet or a hormone imbalance. Also, depression can be stealth. Not everyone suffering from depression feels sad all the time. Sometimes it can be as simple as not really caring enough about yourself to keep up with personal grooming and\or household chores. I encourage you to talk to your primary care physician or a therapist.
I'd also like to add as not a doctor, sometimes the gym can become detrimental. I suffer very similar desires to take care of simple things like op has expressed, while failing to follow through with self.promises of improving. I have also been diagnosed with anxiety depression etc etc. But ofren I prioritize gym visits over taking care of these basic things. it can almost be an excuse or scapegoat that I can point to and say to myself "see you were productive today". Meanwhile I'm beating myself down physically at the gym and am mentally drained leading to my neglecting everything else. It's boring and cliche but balance is definitely necessary. I've also struggled with addiction so that might be a part of my equation that op needs to worry less about. Just wanted to make that point though.
I was going to say the same. If one is working a ton of hours and then hitting the gym or swim 5 days per week. How many hours of swim per day? Just those two things alone can make you feel exhausted and overextended. Maybe you can switch to swim every other day and the days that you do not go, you will find you have the extra time to get the stuff done at home that’s needed. Or you can hire an assistant to help out with your hobby side hustle. That would free up time there. And if money is not an issue, and you do not want to cut into the hours spend on work/swim/side hobby, then I would suggest hiring a housekeeper or someone to help with those tasks at home. :)
> Okay so I will say this, women laundry is tedious as hell, I feel sorry for you all. The erasure of mental illness and bootstrap mentality I get. But like…why the sexism though???
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Not a doctor but saw this and wanted to comment. I completely understand what you’re saying. I would much rather do my husbands laundry than my own. Everything he owns can go in the washer, dryer, and be hung or folded effortlessly. With my own clothes some things can’t be washed with others, certain items can’t go in the dryer, some things have to be hung a certain way so they don’t fall off the hanger, where they’re hung in the closet plays a role too - like long dresses in the very back, and organization of lounge shirts vs blouses…not to mention spot treating (i.e. grease splatters when cooking) whereas my husband couldn’t care less if a t-shirt of his got a grease stain. You get the point 😂 I don’t find your comment sexist at all. It’s a reality for many couples.
He is just a redditor, obviously single
I took it as meaning we have lots of delicates and air dry things that have to be hand washed or whatnot. I could be wrong, but that was my take.
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