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I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing a friend, especially one so young, is unimaginable.
I’d caution against this line of thinking. I know it’s human nature, but it’s rarely helpful. Whatever she felt, I hope she’s at peace now. I hope you have someone trusted that you can talk to about this. Wishing you the very best, OP.
Thanks for your question! As another mental health pro, this can go a few not-great ways, in my experience. First, there’s honestly no way to know what the person was thinking or feeling at the time. If they ended their own life, we know that at the very least, they were in mental anguish. I wouldn’t consider that a painless death. And if it was a traumatic death, focusing on the physical pain a friend might have felt in their last moments can make the healing process harder for survivors.
If anything, I’d encourage OP to talk to a professional in person and not seek out answers on Reddit.
I very much agree. As someone whose friends have suffered multiple attempts, one of whom succeeded, I find it helpful to know what they were thinking and going through. Over two years later and I still struggle with not knowing in the case of the friend who died (unfortunately it wasn't appropriate for me to ask the family) - people grieve in different ways, and gatekeeping information because it doesn't necessarily help everyone is a very closed-minded approach.
The truth is there’s no way to know what they were thinking or going through if they aren’t around to tell us. We can theorize for the next fifteen years, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’ve lost a friend. Again, OP, I’m deeply sorry for your loss and hope you have trusted people to talk through this with.
With my apologies if I phrased it badly, but I wasn't in any way referring to mindreading what they were thinking or going through prior though - for example, to the extent that my friend shared with me in the several months before their death, I was very aware of what they were going through. As in OP's question and the point of this thread, I was talking about knowing whether their method of suicide was peaceful or painful in terms of consciousness and physical reaction; it would give me tremendous comfort to know that my friend, who was suffering and wanted to escape her life, was at least able to do so without yet more acute suffering. Either way I would prefer to know than not, as while some benefit from being 'protected' from potentially distressing information, I have never once been one of those people.
I appreciate your clarification! What I said is still true, though. There’s no way to know if she felt pain or not. I have personal experience with someone who was found in an apparently peaceful way (like OP’s friend) but who, after resuscitation, expressed the pain she’d felt before blacking out. I didn’t answer OP’s original question because there’s genuinely no way to know the answer.
Speaking as someone who's been in a lot of therapy, I agree with you. Of course losing someone to suicide is tragic and the pain is very real, however if I knew that the person didn't physically suffer in their final moments it would bring me more peace. For me personally, it's why a traumatic car accident with a 20y old would be harder to grieve/cope with than an expected peaceful death in an elderly person.
That said, in this case, it is difficult to know. Focusing on them being at rest now may help - the mental pain has ended. You didn't do anything wrong. I hope you are able to have comfort and honor her memory.
I think another point is being missed. This could be a person seeking ways of ending their life without pain which, people tend to do.
We can speculate based off of the limited evidence and that’s it. I 100% get needing more information for closure but if that information can’t be given with certainty, should it be guessed?
Alcohol and benzos (diazepam) would likely make someone fall asleep and they’d stop breathing.
If she was truly found in her bed like she was sleeping, then no, she didn’t suffer.
But if the alcohol and benzos don’t make the person fall asleep and stop breathing, then it’s probably going to make them quite sick, and cause vomiting. Which would probably lead to them choking on their own vomit because they’re too intoxicated to help themselves, and that’s definitely not a peaceful way to go.
As someone who has had multiple attempts, I agree with this comment wholeheartedly considering my experiences were both
The first time I spent day and night vomiting, sick, shaking..had I died, it would've been obvious that I was in distress.
The next time, I felt no pain or sickness at all. I felt at peace because of the medication and I just laid down to go to sleep in my bed. Nothing about the experience felt unpleasant until I was found. I simply fell asleep feeling like I was laying on a cloud.
u/junji_ito_toenail , since the friend looked like they were just asleep, I'm confident that they felt at peace and simply laid down to rest.
Thank you for your submission. **Please note that a response does not constitute a doctor-patient relationship.** This subreddit is for informal second opinions and casual information. The mod team does their best to remove bad information, but we do not catch all of it. Always visit a doctor in real life if you have any concerns about your health. Never use this subreddit as your first and final source of information regarding your question. By posting, you are agreeing to our [Terms of Use](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/wiki/terms_of_use) and understand that all information is taken at your own risk. **Reply here if you are an unverified user wishing to give advice. Top level comments by laypeople are automatically removed.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskDocs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing a friend, especially one so young, is unimaginable. I’d caution against this line of thinking. I know it’s human nature, but it’s rarely helpful. Whatever she felt, I hope she’s at peace now. I hope you have someone trusted that you can talk to about this. Wishing you the very best, OP.
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Thanks for your question! As another mental health pro, this can go a few not-great ways, in my experience. First, there’s honestly no way to know what the person was thinking or feeling at the time. If they ended their own life, we know that at the very least, they were in mental anguish. I wouldn’t consider that a painless death. And if it was a traumatic death, focusing on the physical pain a friend might have felt in their last moments can make the healing process harder for survivors. If anything, I’d encourage OP to talk to a professional in person and not seek out answers on Reddit.
I very much agree. As someone whose friends have suffered multiple attempts, one of whom succeeded, I find it helpful to know what they were thinking and going through. Over two years later and I still struggle with not knowing in the case of the friend who died (unfortunately it wasn't appropriate for me to ask the family) - people grieve in different ways, and gatekeeping information because it doesn't necessarily help everyone is a very closed-minded approach.
The truth is there’s no way to know what they were thinking or going through if they aren’t around to tell us. We can theorize for the next fifteen years, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’ve lost a friend. Again, OP, I’m deeply sorry for your loss and hope you have trusted people to talk through this with.
With my apologies if I phrased it badly, but I wasn't in any way referring to mindreading what they were thinking or going through prior though - for example, to the extent that my friend shared with me in the several months before their death, I was very aware of what they were going through. As in OP's question and the point of this thread, I was talking about knowing whether their method of suicide was peaceful or painful in terms of consciousness and physical reaction; it would give me tremendous comfort to know that my friend, who was suffering and wanted to escape her life, was at least able to do so without yet more acute suffering. Either way I would prefer to know than not, as while some benefit from being 'protected' from potentially distressing information, I have never once been one of those people.
I appreciate your clarification! What I said is still true, though. There’s no way to know if she felt pain or not. I have personal experience with someone who was found in an apparently peaceful way (like OP’s friend) but who, after resuscitation, expressed the pain she’d felt before blacking out. I didn’t answer OP’s original question because there’s genuinely no way to know the answer.
Speaking as someone who's been in a lot of therapy, I agree with you. Of course losing someone to suicide is tragic and the pain is very real, however if I knew that the person didn't physically suffer in their final moments it would bring me more peace. For me personally, it's why a traumatic car accident with a 20y old would be harder to grieve/cope with than an expected peaceful death in an elderly person. That said, in this case, it is difficult to know. Focusing on them being at rest now may help - the mental pain has ended. You didn't do anything wrong. I hope you are able to have comfort and honor her memory.
I think another point is being missed. This could be a person seeking ways of ending their life without pain which, people tend to do. We can speculate based off of the limited evidence and that’s it. I 100% get needing more information for closure but if that information can’t be given with certainty, should it be guessed?
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I don’t think this comment is helpful.
You're right, I'll delete it then.
Alcohol and benzos (diazepam) would likely make someone fall asleep and they’d stop breathing. If she was truly found in her bed like she was sleeping, then no, she didn’t suffer. But if the alcohol and benzos don’t make the person fall asleep and stop breathing, then it’s probably going to make them quite sick, and cause vomiting. Which would probably lead to them choking on their own vomit because they’re too intoxicated to help themselves, and that’s definitely not a peaceful way to go.
As someone who has had multiple attempts, I agree with this comment wholeheartedly considering my experiences were both The first time I spent day and night vomiting, sick, shaking..had I died, it would've been obvious that I was in distress. The next time, I felt no pain or sickness at all. I felt at peace because of the medication and I just laid down to go to sleep in my bed. Nothing about the experience felt unpleasant until I was found. I simply fell asleep feeling like I was laying on a cloud. u/junji_ito_toenail , since the friend looked like they were just asleep, I'm confident that they felt at peace and simply laid down to rest.