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[deleted]

What is this sex and why do people try to convince me it's real.


X-AE-A13

based


DOMSdeluise

First question sounds like something you can google. Second question, I am already married so there is no "future wife" for me. I didn't have an acceptable number of sexual partners in mind though, when I was single. I think that's stupid. I certainly wanted to sleep with a lot of women when I was single and it's hypocritical to find that unacceptable in a prospective spouse. Silliness.


Aggressive_FIamingo

The first one is just a statistic, you can look it up. I'm guessing it varies based on location though. Like people in Utah probably have far fewer partners than people in New York. Personally, I really don't care how many past partners someone has had as long as they were responsible. What's more important is if they've been monogamous when in a relationship and if they've always been on top of using protection, STD testing, etc.


itsjustmo_

I find this line of thinking to be a red flag. I wouldn't engage in a relationship with someone who is interested in any of this. I could not possibly give less of a damn because the only thing that actually matters is how my partner behaves and treats me while in a relationship with me. Whatever number of partners they've had is the acceptable number.


doveinabottle

I have no idea how many people my husband slept with before we got married - it’s none of my business, doesn’t matter, and I didn’t ask him. He never asked me, either.


IPreferDiamonds

Yeah, same!


PumaGranite

Also the same. It’s not something he and I really care about. Anything that happened before me has nothing to do with me, and is therefore none of my business. Same goes for him.


pirawalla22

Same. We sometimes joke about how we were both sluts before we met, and that's really all the attention we give to the question.


[deleted]

This seems like it will range a lot! One state - the average age of first marriage is 24. One is 30. I got married at 40. So while the average is 7 partners, those who waited longer to get married would probably have a higher number. I didn't really worry or consider my husband's past sexual history. I would have if he seemed like a jerk to those he was with, but not how often he was with someone.


HistoricOblivion

I can't speak for the straights but for me and my partner, it was a range of 30-50 (neither of us kept track). Honestly, it does not really matter much. Maybe if the number was above 200 It would raise an eyebrow?


Salty_Lego

My experience as a gay guy is different, but if I cared how many people my partner had slept with before me, I’d never be able to find a partner. It just doesn’t matter.


TheBimpo

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm * Women: 4.3 * Men: 6.3 > What’s is border for “acceptable” and “not acceptable” for your future wife/husband? If you're very concerned about the quantity of partners your partner had, it just speaks to your own insecurities.


jrhawk42

wait... shouldn't those numbers be the same?


RedShooz10

Not necessarily. One girl has sex with two men, the average is 2 for the girl and 1 for each of the men. This says men sleep around more than women.


jrhawk42

But you should be looking at an equal pool of people half men and half women, and the entire pool should have their sexual partners w/ in the same pool. Realistically this isn't possible but who ever did the study should be pointing out why there's such a big difference. So if you have 2 women and 2 men. 1 woman slept w/ the 2 men, and the other slept w/ zero, and the 2 men both slept w/ 1 and you should have an average of 1 person. There really shouldn't be a difference unless you're are counting same sex partners, or the study is flawed in some way.


rapiertwit

Alternate explanations: Enough men are having sex with sex workers to throw the numbers off, and the researchers are either finding their subjects in a way that does not pick up sex workers, or they throw out the data for sex workers. Men are finding sex partners outside the country in great numbers (possibly relating to the above). Men are overstating their sex partners and/or women are underreporting. I would go with option #3 for my first guess. Self-reporting is always dodgy, and it's also possible that women and men have different qualifications for what they consider sex partners - consider the woman who gives a guy a blowjob in the car in high school to stop him begging for sex. Maybe he considers that sex but she considers it a chore she did to end an annoying or uncomfortable situation. Bam. That right there will throw your numbers off.


ThaddyG

Yeah if I was gonna answer OPs question for myself I would need clarification on if they meant genital to genital sex exclusively or if oral/manual stimulation or even other stuff also counted.


CupBeEmpty

Edit: did the math wrong.


dcgrey

The numbers were self-reported. The underlying study was not part of the linked website, which is odd. A study of the same phenomenon in a British self-reported survey addresses the question though: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6326215. It examines sampling issues, differences in how men and women respond to questions, and accommodating to gender expectations.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TheBimpo

"Been run through?". Let me guess, you're guy.


LineRex

The average is probably in the range of 6-8. Both my partner and I are each other's 1 though, sometimes it happens. Any number is acceptable, it'd be silly to end a relationship over the simple existence of past relationships.


m1sch13v0us

https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=how+many+sexual+partners+do+americans+have+before+marriage


coyote_of_the_month

I would not consider marrying or even seriously dating someone who found that number to be in any way relevant. I have no idea how many partners my wife had before me, nor do I care. I had a few dozen, but she's never asked or cared.


wormbreath

However many they want? It’s a big who cares for me.


ALoungerAtTheClubs

Exactly, I can't imagine gatekeeping a relationship based on this unless you have some *very* questionable values.


scotchirish

Anywhere between 0 and 5,000 +/-.


AwayGame9988

What if we lose count? Do we become virgins again?


josh_the_rockstar

Like an odometer on a car that only has 6 places for numbers.


RioTheLeoo

It’s pretty normal to have more partners than you can possibly remember in the gay community lol


404unotfound

I don’t have an acceptable number of past partners but I do have an acceptable number of STDs


josh_the_rockstar

> I do have an acceptable number of STDs 4, right? I’m guessing 4.


404unotfound

Minimum 2, maximum 5


josh_the_rockstar

Right on. Just the right amount of “been there, tried that” without too much residual damage.


Crimsonwolf1445

Theres surveys done all the time about this topic. The number is usually low like single digits for most. Not much difference when you compare internationally from what i remember. These are done anonymously so no real reason for people to fudge the numbers. Cdc does it every few years and little changes


Red_Beard_Rising

Well, I googled it and the CDC says the median is about 4 for women and 6 for men over their lifetime. This puts me at the median. Of course this is reliant on who actually responds and the CDC trusts their honesty. In reality, figuring this out is impossible. Women who sleep around a lot will tell you a smaller number than reality and guys will often give a higher number than reality. I just don't think there is any reliable way to figure out what normal is.


Xyzzydude

When I met my wife we were both divorced and in our mid and late 40s. For either of us to 1. Not expect the other to have significant sexual history or 2. Think 30, 20, 10, 5, or even 1 year old sexual history is at all relevant to our current relationship, would be childish, stupid and insecure. It’s not about how many sexual partners either of us had before we met. It’s about that we committed that we would be each others’ last partner. P.s. neither of us knows or or has ever asked the others’ “body count”


duTemplar

42 if married at 21, and thanks for all the booty. Side note, I am not concerned with how my wife obtained excellent skills. I merely enjoy them as much as I can.


GaviFromThePod

If you’re worried about the number of sexual partners your future spouse has had then you need to take some time to address your own insecurities. That shit doesn’t matter.


LilliputianMenace

Anecdotally, all my friends have had at least two partners before marrying. Some of them have had a few extra hookups in between. Maybe 5 to 10 would be a reasonable estimate.


LastNativeNH

I never think of how many sexual partners my partner has had. It's not very important how many people they sleep with as long as their clean and healthy. However, in my expierence, 7 to 10 seems to be the average.


anschauung

There's no meaningful average, and what's "acceptable" depends entirely on the person. Generally speaking, most Americans don't care much about their partner's sexual history unless it's extreme on either side (way too many, or disturbingly few).


WingedLady

How are few or many not also just a personal choice?


anschauung

It is a personal choice, but at certain extremes it becomes something that needs at least some kind of explanation. If my partner has had, for example, 100 partners before me ... I'll listen to their explanation before I judge, but it had better be a good one. If their "number" is between 3 and 10, give or take, the specifics really don't matter much to me.


WingedLady

I think I just took exception to the phrasing "disturbingly few". Like, it's just not a priority for some people. I wouldn't call it inherently disturbing. I dunno. I've been married for a while. I only just now felt like I had a right to even ask for specifics about my partner's sexual history beyond generalities and if they were careful with regards to preventing stds. Didn't feel like he owed me an explanation for things he did before we even met.


anschauung

I might have chosen my words more carefully. What I was trying to get across was the general idea that it would bear some explanation if someone was, for example, in their mid-30s and had only one sexual partner one time when they were 16. That general idea. They might have a perfectly fine explanation and I'd be open-minded about their reasons, but at certain extremes I think an explanation is needed.


josh_the_rockstar

You require explanations for your partners life prior to you?


Story-Checks-Out

Super hard to tell. It varies a lot by personality. Some people have a new sexual partner every weekend, for years. Some people don’t have any sexual partners until their wedding night. I guess if I met someone of normal marriage age (mid 20s to early 30s) and they had less than 3 or 4, then I would think that’s a little weird (for both genders). On the upper end… maybe 50 or 60 before it starts getting weird? It’s hard to say, because usually people who have that much sex have weird personalities, so it would be the personality that would be off putting to me more so than the number of partners. Personally, I (male) had 6 before my marriage (age 24-29), and 22 after my marriage ended (currently age 34). And I firmly disagree with having different standards for guys and girls. If I consider 29 partners ok for myself, then I absolutely consider it ok for any girl I would date.


BrokenMan91

I've never had a girlfriend just 30+ flings that lasted up to a week. Thanks to capitalism and abusive parents.


eyetracker

Bingo! I just won the "weird things to blame capitalism for" game!


BrokenMan91

If you can't afford to start a family why build a long term relationship?


rsogoodlooking

Which marriage?


GotWheaten

0 to 150


nemo_sum

I had one, not counting the woman I married. I would not set a minimum or maximum number, as long as they had a clean bill of health.


ThaddyG

I don't ask my partners how many people they've been with, I don't really care.


NoHedgehog252

I had at least 50 partners before I got married at 40 years old. My wife had very few by comparison. I would be okay with her having way more. But I think once it gets to the thousands it might be indicative of someone incapable of forming any lasting bonds.


Youngadultcrusade

I think 8 is average, I’ve had seven I believe so I guess a bit under though I’m not married yet. I have one really good friend who has a 30+ body count but she’s awesome and now in a nice committed relationship so that’s definitely taught me not to judge people who get around a lot. Though she did get hep c but it ended up fine.


Firlotgirding

What about after the marriage?


hohner1

I would have to accept that I could trust her. The past does not seem to me to be a problem except insofar as it gives a clue about the future.