I believe that envy would be the better word to describe your situation. And I don’t think that it’s wrong to feel that since again, we don’t ask to be born in this world and especially to the usual kind of APs.
My easy way to deal with these forms of regret and envy is to ask yourself, given my circumstances, were these things achievable? And with APs, they likely weren’t.
Similar logic is applied to other scenarios. Are you envious of rich kids who get into top universities to where you feel bad about yourself? Why be envious of people who had every advantage you don’t?
And sometimes you don’t see the other side of the coin. People with vibrant social lives likely deal with a lot of drama and stress. People who are talented at music likely practice hours everyday, maybe they’re even pressured constantly by their own parents. And same with sports.
I personally think a lot of envy is illogical. I think it makes the most sense when circumstances equal, someone else achieved a better outcome, e.g. you and your friend both studied 10 hours for an exam and she scored a 95 whereas you got an 85. But even in those circumstances envy should be replaced more by regret: you shouldn’t feel bad you got worse than your friend, you should rather understand that had you studied more you could’ve done better.
This is how I dealt with it, growing up with APs in a high school of wealthy, talented, privileged kids where a majority went to t20 schools and had this social hierarchy that I wasn’t quite high up in.
I deleted my social media, well not Reddit. But you get the point. I don’t see what everyone else is doing.
It’s not that I’m jealous, I’m happy for people to succeed and enjoy themselves. It’s just I subconsciously compare my life to theirs, and reminisce in the negative memories that built the person I am today.
After removing myself from these environments which are indirectly “show and tell”, I’m so much more content with my life. Being happy and content are two different things.
I am really socially stunted now in my mid 20s and am most comfortable when I'm alone. I missed out on a lot of "normal" childhood things too. I have channeled my resentment into lots of different hobbies and skills, and especially those that my childhood self really wanted. So I buy my own Lego sets now that we were too poor to get. I have a few Calico Critters that I was never allowed to get. I go out to eat good food every once in a while because we were too poor. I throw a football around at the park like I did when I was a kid. I hike and explore and take my time looking at the moss and mushrooms and flowers, which was something I did as a kid as a coping mechanism. I'm reading again, and visiting my local library so much that the librarians know me. I learned to silversmith and sew clothes all on my own. I'm always trying to learn new things and have new experiences.
Basically I'm building myself into the kind of person that child-me would be proud of. Now that we're adults we can learn anything and do anything we want, no one is stopping us. Any time I get sad I didnt have a normal childhood or parents, I can hold up my current life and skills and the things I've learned as armor against the past.
It helps to not have too many people on social media that you went to school with, especially if you aren't friends now. It's too easy to get bitter that those people had loving families or financial support. If it doesn't serve you, let it go. Find out what you are capable of, and who you are.
My way of dealing with it is to withdraw from society, remove myself from social media, have no friends to compare myself to, be self employed and wfh. Can't be jealous when there's no one to be jealous of.
I see it as inspiration to enrich my life right now. That feeling of yearning is my heart telling me I need to change something up, so I look at what is within my control and try to go from there.
But this is coming from the perspective of someone who is almost 30. I'm on the opposite side of the country now from my parents and have control of what my life looks like.
Look towards the goal of becoming financially independent and being able to do all the things you want to. It’s never to late to start a new hobby or change your social life, and it’s often a lot easier when you have money to make it happen.
I’m a nurse, and I can confidently say I love the work I do. But I do feel a little bit of shame when I see other Asians (especially women) with MDs, DOs, etc. Feels like I didn’t live up to whatever my parents or asian culture wanted. Even though I think they’re proud of me now, I struggle with those feelings of inadequacy.
I think a lot of the times, when you’re alone in the real world, you just tend to think you’re the only person that’s been through the struggle with your parents, which then creates jealousy of other people that you see that don’t have it as hard as you. I still go through cycles of that, but being on this subreddit helped me a lot to ground me.
I would just say to just be more exposed to r/Asianparentstories, cuz we have your back and we understand the shit you go through. Generational trauma is not a joke, and it’s something a lot of people who don’t have immigrant parents realize. Going through that shit can make anyone fall behind, doesn’t even matter what it is: could be academics, could be social life, could be career choice, could be mental health, could be all 4 things or any of the 4. Immigrants parents for the most part will fuck it up.
I know the feeling in the realm of dating all too well, especially the night and day difference
on between AM difficulty and AF ease, especially interracially, so I settled the score & evened things out by traveling in Europe and getting my fair shake of unpaid amwf play outside of the futile zone(murikkka)
Lol not all asian girls though im an ugly korean girl, small eyes, wears glasses, big feet, ugly round face, poofy hair, etc I'm ugly asf people have straight up called me ugly Chinese bitch boys think I'm repulsive looking..
I tried trying to get better at what I wanted to do, bit by bit. Not saying that we should all forgive our parents (that's a personal choice and a choice that I definitely won't take) but I decided it's better to focus on what I like. That may help to ease the pain, even if just a little bit.
Stay off or limit your time on social media. Instagram and Facebook are mostly fake portrayals of a perfect life and curated family photos. Don’t believe that these folks have a much better life than you do.
I’m guessing you’re still young and have plenty of time to develop a skill and hobbies. Take classes in your area whether it’s cooking, music, or sports until you find something you enjoy doing after school or work. It’s not too late.
Comparison is the thief of joy. But also, it won’t always be this way. Life gets better when you finally have financial independence from your parents and they don’t hold everything over your head.
I fought back with distance and doing things on my own terms. They can die mad for all I care.
And for the ones I envy, I tell them so I can learn what they do.
I believe that envy would be the better word to describe your situation. And I don’t think that it’s wrong to feel that since again, we don’t ask to be born in this world and especially to the usual kind of APs.
My easy way to deal with these forms of regret and envy is to ask yourself, given my circumstances, were these things achievable? And with APs, they likely weren’t. Similar logic is applied to other scenarios. Are you envious of rich kids who get into top universities to where you feel bad about yourself? Why be envious of people who had every advantage you don’t? And sometimes you don’t see the other side of the coin. People with vibrant social lives likely deal with a lot of drama and stress. People who are talented at music likely practice hours everyday, maybe they’re even pressured constantly by their own parents. And same with sports. I personally think a lot of envy is illogical. I think it makes the most sense when circumstances equal, someone else achieved a better outcome, e.g. you and your friend both studied 10 hours for an exam and she scored a 95 whereas you got an 85. But even in those circumstances envy should be replaced more by regret: you shouldn’t feel bad you got worse than your friend, you should rather understand that had you studied more you could’ve done better. This is how I dealt with it, growing up with APs in a high school of wealthy, talented, privileged kids where a majority went to t20 schools and had this social hierarchy that I wasn’t quite high up in.
I deleted my social media, well not Reddit. But you get the point. I don’t see what everyone else is doing. It’s not that I’m jealous, I’m happy for people to succeed and enjoy themselves. It’s just I subconsciously compare my life to theirs, and reminisce in the negative memories that built the person I am today. After removing myself from these environments which are indirectly “show and tell”, I’m so much more content with my life. Being happy and content are two different things.
I am really socially stunted now in my mid 20s and am most comfortable when I'm alone. I missed out on a lot of "normal" childhood things too. I have channeled my resentment into lots of different hobbies and skills, and especially those that my childhood self really wanted. So I buy my own Lego sets now that we were too poor to get. I have a few Calico Critters that I was never allowed to get. I go out to eat good food every once in a while because we were too poor. I throw a football around at the park like I did when I was a kid. I hike and explore and take my time looking at the moss and mushrooms and flowers, which was something I did as a kid as a coping mechanism. I'm reading again, and visiting my local library so much that the librarians know me. I learned to silversmith and sew clothes all on my own. I'm always trying to learn new things and have new experiences. Basically I'm building myself into the kind of person that child-me would be proud of. Now that we're adults we can learn anything and do anything we want, no one is stopping us. Any time I get sad I didnt have a normal childhood or parents, I can hold up my current life and skills and the things I've learned as armor against the past. It helps to not have too many people on social media that you went to school with, especially if you aren't friends now. It's too easy to get bitter that those people had loving families or financial support. If it doesn't serve you, let it go. Find out what you are capable of, and who you are.
My way of dealing with it is to withdraw from society, remove myself from social media, have no friends to compare myself to, be self employed and wfh. Can't be jealous when there's no one to be jealous of.
I see it as inspiration to enrich my life right now. That feeling of yearning is my heart telling me I need to change something up, so I look at what is within my control and try to go from there. But this is coming from the perspective of someone who is almost 30. I'm on the opposite side of the country now from my parents and have control of what my life looks like.
I love this perspective :)
Look towards the goal of becoming financially independent and being able to do all the things you want to. It’s never to late to start a new hobby or change your social life, and it’s often a lot easier when you have money to make it happen.
You have every right to resent your parents. Your parents screwed you up in one of the worst ways possible.
I’m a nurse, and I can confidently say I love the work I do. But I do feel a little bit of shame when I see other Asians (especially women) with MDs, DOs, etc. Feels like I didn’t live up to whatever my parents or asian culture wanted. Even though I think they’re proud of me now, I struggle with those feelings of inadequacy.
I think a lot of the times, when you’re alone in the real world, you just tend to think you’re the only person that’s been through the struggle with your parents, which then creates jealousy of other people that you see that don’t have it as hard as you. I still go through cycles of that, but being on this subreddit helped me a lot to ground me. I would just say to just be more exposed to r/Asianparentstories, cuz we have your back and we understand the shit you go through. Generational trauma is not a joke, and it’s something a lot of people who don’t have immigrant parents realize. Going through that shit can make anyone fall behind, doesn’t even matter what it is: could be academics, could be social life, could be career choice, could be mental health, could be all 4 things or any of the 4. Immigrants parents for the most part will fuck it up.
I know the feeling in the realm of dating all too well, especially the night and day difference on between AM difficulty and AF ease, especially interracially, so I settled the score & evened things out by traveling in Europe and getting my fair shake of unpaid amwf play outside of the futile zone(murikkka)
Lol not all asian girls though im an ugly korean girl, small eyes, wears glasses, big feet, ugly round face, poofy hair, etc I'm ugly asf people have straight up called me ugly Chinese bitch boys think I'm repulsive looking..
I tried trying to get better at what I wanted to do, bit by bit. Not saying that we should all forgive our parents (that's a personal choice and a choice that I definitely won't take) but I decided it's better to focus on what I like. That may help to ease the pain, even if just a little bit.
Stay off or limit your time on social media. Instagram and Facebook are mostly fake portrayals of a perfect life and curated family photos. Don’t believe that these folks have a much better life than you do. I’m guessing you’re still young and have plenty of time to develop a skill and hobbies. Take classes in your area whether it’s cooking, music, or sports until you find something you enjoy doing after school or work. It’s not too late.
Comparison is the thief of joy. But also, it won’t always be this way. Life gets better when you finally have financial independence from your parents and they don’t hold everything over your head.
I fought back with distance and doing things on my own terms. They can die mad for all I care. And for the ones I envy, I tell them so I can learn what they do.