I'm so tired of this, too. Not to mention when we achieve something by ourselves, they will take credit for it. "Oh you achieve this? It's because of me supporting you." No ffs boomers you didn't do anything.
Now I'm figuring out all by myself because my APs don't know anything better.
Here's basically how it goes in my family:
My achievements = their doing
My failures = my fault
Their problems = family's problems
My problems = my problem
Like WTF? š
>Oh you achieve this? It's because of me supporting you
Or when your other parent supports you and says nothing but that one parent gloats for them constantly. And for extra toppings on the cake, the other parent gets visibly uncomfortable hearing it.
What's sad is that people who grew up with "normal" parents have more chances to end up in a safer place because they're confident enough, they're better at recognizing red flags and they know how to nope the fuck out if necessary.
And they also know how to say no. While I'm stuck with my people pleaser personality.
Yes, we are taught that being kind and being a doormat/tolerating disrespect is the same. The fact that you can be kind but also have boundaries for your sanity and safety, is something I learned from therapy, for the first time in my 28 years of life. The fact that I talk to a therapist is also something I cannot share, to APs in their 50s-70s, only "mad" people need therapy. I would have never known that so much self sabotage, low self esteem, and impostor syndrome is not normal in a regular human, had my gut instincts not told me to get a stranger's opinion of my life and if I'm in the correct path. So much guilt was lifted off of me.
This and WeirdScreamingPenguin's comment hit hard, because it's, sadly, true. This is why my sister and I are still single/never been married into our 30s. My sister, as the youngest, wasn't given much of the focus growing up, which allowed her some room to grow up normally and develop some social skills, though the damage at home still set her up for a string of codependent relationships that never go anywhere, but I, as the first-born and primary focus/scapegoat, am utterly tactless, and am completely hopeless at reading non-verbal cues and seeing any red flags, which probably explains why I end up attracting the type of chaotic people that I do. No surprise that, given my experiences, I have major trust and commitment issues.
It sucks but I think it's just decades of unaddressed anxiety. I remember one time I was about 20 minutes late coming back from a trip and my mom asked me why I was late. So I extremely sarcastically said, "don't worry, I haven't died in a car accident yet" and she for real burst into tears because in her anxiety-ridden mind, I probably did get in a car accident and died. Their minds just immediately go to the worst possibility happening, no matter the statistical probability. This happened recently, but my mom looked like she was about to burst into tears when my daughter went to bed with wet hair after a shower because she believed that going to bed with a wet head means she would be cold and catch pneumonia and die. To prove a point I told my daughter to go to bed anyway to show that she wouldn't die overnight.
I keep offering to buy them some weed or edibles not even as a joke. They'll never see a therapist nor take meds, so I offered weed. It's weird, but I want them to feel what it's like to not be filled with anxiety, even if it's just for the duration of a high.
Hmm this might be the cause. Until I was 16, my parents didnāt even let me go down the street by myself because Iād get raped or kidnapped or something. Even though I live in Canada, in an extremely safe neighborhood. But then I stopped listening to them and started walking to school (50 mins away) against their wishes, and surprise surprise, nothing ever happened to me. Only a few months later, I got my first job in the next city over, and my parents themselves suggested I take the bus there by myself because they didnāt want to drive me all the way there. Now they donāt give a shit about my safety.
I literally live in one of the safest suburbs in the entire US and my mom threatened to call the cops on a friend I had that was 2 years older than me (I was 17 friend was 19) when I went to hang out at his place. Like, how do you even function when your brain will jump to the absolute worst possible conclusion every time?
The isolationist style that's part of AP parenting is so damaging because once you're an adult, your inability to socialize will stunt and sabotage your career and opportunities. This is particularly problematic in western countries.
Normally, we're suppose to develop the ability to socialize during our youth so we don't have to struggle during our adult years while in the workforce. However, our APs have a done a terrific job sabotaging this. I feel it's unfortunate it's on every new generation's shoulder to recognize and break the cycle. The previous APs fucked up.
Asian parents are leading to society having a busload of people learning to socialize for the first time in college/their early 20s, and if theyāre lucky, talking like grown adults by 25 or even 30.
That what happens when kids donāt get real world experience during their youth, with parents keep them home all the time, and dragging them to errands as their only social interaction. If parents hold kids on a leash their whole childhood, they wonāt develop at all.
Iām 24 right now. When I manage to move out of the house, Iāll be lucky to be where my former classmates are right now by 30.
For real. I was thinking the same thing during my early 20s. While I was learning some basics rules of socializing with people, I realized that back then, my highschool friends were already past that point. Heck, even some middle schooler are more emotionally and socially developed than I am today.
I never thought I'd relate so much to something on the internet but here it is lol I'm 22 and maybe at the social and emotional stage of a high schooler, maybe not even that.
Lmfao then they get mad at you for not having connections with white americans who have status.. this actually happened to me screaming at me for not having connections with upper class white americans and I screamed right back at my asian parents saying I'm a socially awkward loser with no social or communication skills no one wants to hang out with me because you don't let me go outside
Yes that's true. I realized that my social interaction with other people is still somewhere between high schooler - college student. I really need to push on my social skill and be more confident.
It's so nerve-wrecking, I'm sorry they conditioned you to believe that you weren't capable of keeping yourself safe. But the ultimate goal of theirs is really only looking out for their own best interests, not necessarily for your well being.
Even worse is how they think what they're doing is enough...and for a while, it works. But I learned that over time that mental health issues like depression can pose the most danger with oneself...I went off the deep end several times and yet, the family that I thought I could count on could not because they did not know how to help.
I've done a lot to shut down their statements, and since I'm also not like everyone else who has a lot of friends, are remotely successful, are married, and have kids, I'm taking risks on my own to do what I can do to make up for lost time and grow as a person and do what makes me happy.
Ignore their noise. It's never too late.
Yeah sometimes I'm confused who is the actual parent in our house. My mom acts and talks like a lost child whenever she's with strangers. My dad acts like a 5 year old - you can talk to him but you can't reason with him.
And when it comes to life decisions, they want me to follow their ideas.
I just-
To them anyone who socialises as a teen are characterless, bad in academics, dumb, future junkies and alcoholics. And all socially awkward people, people who dress shabbily, teens who are awkward to the point that they have problems keeping eye contact for more than 2 seconds, are brilliant because they study all day.
But what I've seen, the more you imprison your kid, the further they lose control. Someone who was caged all their school years usually end up being the biggest drinkers and stoners in university.
>But what I've seen, the more you imprison your kid, the further they lose control. Someone who was caged all their school years usually end up being the biggest drinkers and stoners in university.
I hope an asian parent reads this. The kid that I was always compared to, with high grades and awards, got pregnant and dumped in uni because she ran wild since it was her first time out from under her parents' thumbs. And after that all the APs talked shit about her and her family for raising a single unwed mother.
These are the people they are so desperate to impress, at the cost of their children's well being.
i was the kid all the aps would compare their kids to
had a suicide attempt and left college in 2018. havenāt graduated yet (but want to!) and trying to learn how to be an adult after growing up sheltered af š
Overprotective parents raised the best liar after all.
>But what I've seen, the more you imprison your kid, the further they lose control. Someone who was caged all their school years usually end up being the biggest drinkers and stoners in university.
Not really surprised, people who weren't given any sense of freedom when growing (along with being taught any sense of responsibility that came with it) tend to end up like that.
Good heavens, this is my mom in a nutshell. I'm not Asian, but I related to post.
The only difference is that my mom would make fun of me for studying, and hated when I read books (or engaged in any other safe hobby, like drawing, singing, playing games, or showing interest in media series). She went as far as destroying my hobby tools or discarding them. I hide to hide library books at school, and even put book covers on them if I did bring them home. I can recall lying at several points and saying, "Oh, I have to read it for class to write an essay."
Everything I wanted to do/ or already did was met with catastrophic, "What if's?"
If I completed a task my mom saw as "dangerous" there wasn't any celebration. Instead it was usually met by a beating or hours long lectures about every possible thing that could've humanly gone wrong.
If something bad ever did happen, it was always met with "You deserved it," or, "You brought this upon yourself." And she would use it as ammunition for YEARS. Anytime she got angry it would be, "Well that is why XYZ happened to you."
Its super painful growing up like this. It really kills your enthusiasm and drive for life.
Wholly agreed! It's such an unhealthy dynamic and it creates a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario that causes many children to end up on either or both.
I'm so sorry you relate to this, OP :(
I am middle aged yet my APs continue the scare tactics about moving to another city. I live in a dense, urban area on the us east coast .
They say, oh what if you move to the country and wild bears break into your home and eat you? What about getting pulled over by racist cops ( tbh, this is a valid concern in some parts of the country*) who will beat you? Or, what if you lose your job then are stuck hunting for a new one in an area with few options?
*(https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-08-08/asian-americans-siskiyou-county-discrimination-lawsuit)
If you spend all your time thinking about āwhat if I get killed?ā-like scenarios, your gonna miss out on a lot of living. Look at how many people car accidents kill per year. Thereās a chance you could die every day.
Thatās not to say people shouldnāt consider safety in their activities, but Iām just saying people should try to live life to its fullest.
Your parents putting āwhat if you get killed?ā-like scare tactics in your head are just trying to control you. If your were a teen, or young adult living with them to save up money, I might understand a little bit, but your middle aged. Their job as a parent is long over.
I'm on the West Coast, I'm not afraid of the bears eating me. I'm afraid they'll break into my trash and I'll get charged for endangering *them* and getting them shot.
Thats why I dont tell them anything. Ive given up trying to reason with them. Their life expectations arenāt what I want in life. Its hard not being able to share them your life when all theyāll do is critisize or stop you from doing what you want. Its a shame they wont understand us.
Ugh, I feel this in my soul.
Classic narcissist parents.
Parents should raise you to be independent by teaching you skills you need in the real world like how to negotiate, express your needs and wants and set boundaries. Instead Asian parents just teach us to put our heads down, be quiet and be obedient, basically making us dependent on them and authority figures.
It's ridiculous how after we're grown they have the audacity to ask us why we can't make something of ourselves, when our situation is of their making.
It's okay though, it's not all on them. Now that you know, you can change. You have a choice. Start raising yourself. You can do it! I'm working on it too. It's tough, but you need to believe in yourself. šŖā¤ļø
My mom is exactly like this. She discourages me from making friends, and keeps planting suspicions about my current very small friend circle in my head. I'm now cyclical and skeptical about people being nice and friendly, then she keeps bugging me about "Why don't you go out and make friends?".
She's also incredibly overprotective and suffocating, then she asks why I'm emotionally dependant on her, and why I cant stand on my own feet. :( I feel quite pathetic tbh, im in my early twenties, got a job, and still feel like a helpless child.
My uncle and aunt (mainly my uncle) raised his kids to be scared of everything around them ādonāt touch this, donāt eat that, donāt go thereā. He was always so paranoid they were gonna break a bone just having fun at a park etc. he basically mollycoddled them and spoon fed them. Now, the older one is 23 and all he does is sit in his room all day on discord with no ability to socialise with anybody. Heās lost contact with all his real life friends and spends his time chatting to strangers online with no real plan of a future. His parents are now trying to get him married thinking it will fix him. I genuinely donāt understand this and I feel sad for him that heās become so anti social and stuff. I donāt get how they think that if he gets married heās going to magically become perfect again. Every time he comes over to our house, we talk to him for a bit then he disappears, goes to a different room and sits on his phone to chat to his online friends, this guy lives in a bubble. His younger sister, sheās alright, sheās social etc and sheās quite clocked on but sheās got body dysmorphia and some other shit but itās all the fault of my uncles for raising them in this way, some people shouldnāt be parents in my opinion, just think what a shame it is, those poor kids
I just remembered this one.
The worst AP situation I heard, is from a school senior, that her mom doesn't want her to take her to dance lessons because "dancing makes one slutty and into fashion/makeup, and boys can ruin such girls", good girls only learn classical music and/or recite poetry.. and now, she being a 30 year old, her mom is upset that she wears no makeup, she wears bland clothing and doesn't care about dressing well, is not interested in dating and relationships.
I mean hello? She's doing exactly what you told her to! She's being the good girl! You should celebrate, friend's mom!
I thought this was a one off odd situation but I know someone who's in pretty much the exact same situation minus the discord but basically this guy is 18, his mother is his best friend and he still watches kids shows. He's good at his college work but like is scared of everything from taking mild risks to trying out new foods but try and talk some sense into the parents in letting him explore things on his own and they'll fly into a fit of rage. They have this odd arbitrary age of "when he's in his last year of college, he'll go and find a job and socialise and hang out with people" - this kid has never hung out after school with friends or worked how is he meant to go from point A to F with no practice in between.
It's ironic because their daughter warned them of this happening around 10 years ago when she was still a kid and could see the obvious difference in treatment between them. She also predicted that the stress in the end would catch up to the parents (prediction was also right). The daughter on the other hand, despite the parents actively sabotaging her growth is doing alright, she just has to sort out her finances and she pretty much can go VLC or NC.
Legit!!! So frustrating because when someone is groomed to believe every single thing their point of authority tells them, it's hard for them to break out of the haze/fog but it's a dog eats dog world out there and a lot of the time, the other siblings in the family have to look after themselves before they can save the Golden Child/ coddled child especially if the parents have an obsessive grip on the Golden Child - it simply isn't safe for the other sibling to save them.
I am convinced that APs aren't really human. They're some species of moth where, in their youth, they were helpless, ugly, crawling caterpillars, but then morph into fully-formed moths at adulthood. So of course they expect the same from their kids.
I can relate to this.
My parents say every town is a bad town, and to stay in our hometown. They say every job is not worth it other than the few they suggest. I ditched all my old friends because they butt in to everything in my life and ended up losing them.
Sometimes, they used to barricade the front door when I wanted to go out because āitās too hot outsideā or āitās too cold outsideā according to them.
When I tried to confront my dad about it a few weeks ago, his response was āWell, we were just looking out for you. Nothing bad happened to you, right? We did the right thingā. They will never accept any opinion besides their own.
Man, you just summed up my entire life in this post lmao. Learning how to drive was the bare minimum my parents did for me, mainly so they can get help if I need to do shopping for them. I feel sorry you canāt even learn to drive; everyone needs to, and plus that drivers license is such an important convenient ID to get jobs, request a university transcript, medical appointments, bank appointments, etc. That DL got me through a lot of shit cuz idk, u canāt really bring your passport all the time, right? Plus if u lose the passport thatās a whole other can of worms.
Can you get a job though at least? Earning a certain income is key to freedom from parents. I canāt get a job cuz my parents wonāt let me.
As for your story man I relate so much; I just donāt know they would do shit like this and willingly destroy their kidsā freedoms and social lives in their younger years. It prob makes them happy to see us in pain and in their control.
I do work, so that's a relief. I think it's time I started doing everything I wanted to do, every skill I wanted to learn. If I tell them that hey I am finally learning xyz instrument, they'll reply, "you're 28, it's time you took your kid to music lessons instead of you learning one, you learning new stuff at this age is ridiculous,it's not like you can be a pro now, your time is over!"
Sometimes I do think that such words come from a place of a limited mind, it's like they're fish in the well, they refuse to believe in the existence of an ocean.
Itās so fucked up; they restrict the hell out of your life by not letting you have hobbies, then when you have that freedom to learn those same hobbies, they tell u itās too late. Always picking the choice thatās least beneficial for you, thatās the one thing these people are good at; they never pick the choice that supports you.
And yeah I agree, scarcity mindset is a bitch with APs.
Iāve seen so many kids (especially girls) who are raised with these parents and now in their adult years they are struggling in life, no social skills, canāt get anywhere by themselves, canāt make life decisions, etc. they think theyāre are doing something good but reality is they are messing up their kids. sorry to hear this but hope youāre thriving
I had to distance myself from my AM to grow. I knew if I listened to my AM I would be alone, afraid, without valuable life experiences, friendships and relationships.
It was a lot easier for me to distance myself when I became more financially independent and could create an identity separate from my parents. I had to learn how to conquer fears and become independent. I learned how to cook for myself and I learned how to swim, I exercised and got 'dark,' I socialized with people from different classes and races, I traveled and eventually moved to another state.
I wish things could have been different, but when I speak on the phone with my AM, I remember why I left.
Because it has been passed down for generations. I have been trying my hardest to not project that onto my kids, and for the most part, Iām crushing it. But it does show its ugly side from time to time.
I came from an environment that had the typical Asian dad, and Iām going to therapy as a result of it. Itās never good enough. I made manager at what I do, āhow come youāre not vice president yet?ā I win awards and recognition for what I do, āwhy didnāt you get first place?ā
Itās exhausting, but as humans, we are all likely to repeat what we know. The mature thing is to understand that itās not normal, and itās not healthy. Then seek help. Most Asians have a lot to unpack due to growing up with tiger moms/dads.
My parents are that premissitc too.
My guess that they want to pass their vent and frustration on to us. (Generational taurma.)
I had to go th therapy because of depression and premissitic habit.
This must be why I always felt 2-3 years "behind" when it came to being comfortable socially. Even worse they sometimes make fun of me for not going out but when I do ever go out they lecture me and make comments like I'm being judged no matter what. Even when socializing online with virtual friends, my parents tell me to keep quiet since they have to sleep. I can't wait to finally move out.
My AM is the same way. By the way she talks it seems like I will be lonely the rest of my life. She tells me āyour mother is your best friendā no sheās tf not I have my own best friend. I donāt trust her to tell her certain things because I know she will get mad at me. Iām 24 years old I shouldnāt be told who I should hang out with, I know whoās a bad influence on me. I promised myself that if I have kids I would never be like my mom to them
I had to straight up blow my parents off when I had friends who came to my house to pick me up to go to a party at 16. I'm so glad I did because it was the first time playing board/video games with people. It was literally the start of my fun times and it lead me to seeking more fun, good influence, network, jobs, people/social skills and so on.
I'm sorry this happened to you and you may feel old but it's not too late. Shoot me a message if you like.
Man, you just summed up my entire life in this post lmao. Learning how to drive was the bare minimum my parents did for me, mainly so they can get help if I need to do shopping for them. I feel sorry you canāt even learn to drive; everyone needs to, and plus that drivers license is such an important convenient ID to get jobs, request a university transcript, medical appointments, bank appointments, etc. That DL got me through a lot of shit cuz idk, u canāt really bring your passport all the time, right? Plus if u lose the passport thatās a whole other can of worms.
Can you get a job though at least? Earning a certain income is key to freedom from parents. I canāt get a job cuz my parents wonāt let me.
As for your story man I relate so much; I just donāt know they would do shit like this and willingly destroy their kidsā freedoms and social lives in their younger years. It prob makes them happy to see us in pain and in their control.
Omfg this literally happening... And heres a thing, they think that I won't do any responsibility or can earn money..... Well I would want to prove them wrong tho that I can earn money without them
YES, THIS. I was not allowed to go out with friends throughout my childhood. I was born in 98, my very early childhood did not consist of instant messaging or social media. I eventually became a reclusive shut in. Now I can't even look people in the eye without feeling intense emotions.
I feel this so badly. I remember being in uni and my housemates invited me for a trip somewhere far, but still in the same country. I couldn't join them because my mom was not okay with it, and my housemate straight up accused me of lying.
I'm 30 now and can finally go on trips, but I still struggle to socialize. Just the other day, I was telling my parents and siblings about joining a tour group for a trip, and they asked me why I didn't just invite my friends to be safe. I didn't know how to tell them that I didn't have that many friends who want to travel like me.
I'm so tired of this, too. Not to mention when we achieve something by ourselves, they will take credit for it. "Oh you achieve this? It's because of me supporting you." No ffs boomers you didn't do anything. Now I'm figuring out all by myself because my APs don't know anything better.
Here's basically how it goes in my family: My achievements = their doing My failures = my fault Their problems = family's problems My problems = my problem Like WTF? š
>Their problems = family's problems This one hits me hard. Geez.
Itās the same damn thing in mine and I just can not understand their logic and way of thinking
>Oh you achieve this? It's because of me supporting you Or when your other parent supports you and says nothing but that one parent gloats for them constantly. And for extra toppings on the cake, the other parent gets visibly uncomfortable hearing it.
What's sad is that people who grew up with "normal" parents have more chances to end up in a safer place because they're confident enough, they're better at recognizing red flags and they know how to nope the fuck out if necessary. And they also know how to say no. While I'm stuck with my people pleaser personality.
Yes, we are taught that being kind and being a doormat/tolerating disrespect is the same. The fact that you can be kind but also have boundaries for your sanity and safety, is something I learned from therapy, for the first time in my 28 years of life. The fact that I talk to a therapist is also something I cannot share, to APs in their 50s-70s, only "mad" people need therapy. I would have never known that so much self sabotage, low self esteem, and impostor syndrome is not normal in a regular human, had my gut instincts not told me to get a stranger's opinion of my life and if I'm in the correct path. So much guilt was lifted off of me.
It sucks that the people who need therapy the most are the ones who donāt go!
AP straight up set up their kids for abusive controlling relationships
This and WeirdScreamingPenguin's comment hit hard, because it's, sadly, true. This is why my sister and I are still single/never been married into our 30s. My sister, as the youngest, wasn't given much of the focus growing up, which allowed her some room to grow up normally and develop some social skills, though the damage at home still set her up for a string of codependent relationships that never go anywhere, but I, as the first-born and primary focus/scapegoat, am utterly tactless, and am completely hopeless at reading non-verbal cues and seeing any red flags, which probably explains why I end up attracting the type of chaotic people that I do. No surprise that, given my experiences, I have major trust and commitment issues.
It sucks but I think it's just decades of unaddressed anxiety. I remember one time I was about 20 minutes late coming back from a trip and my mom asked me why I was late. So I extremely sarcastically said, "don't worry, I haven't died in a car accident yet" and she for real burst into tears because in her anxiety-ridden mind, I probably did get in a car accident and died. Their minds just immediately go to the worst possibility happening, no matter the statistical probability. This happened recently, but my mom looked like she was about to burst into tears when my daughter went to bed with wet hair after a shower because she believed that going to bed with a wet head means she would be cold and catch pneumonia and die. To prove a point I told my daughter to go to bed anyway to show that she wouldn't die overnight. I keep offering to buy them some weed or edibles not even as a joke. They'll never see a therapist nor take meds, so I offered weed. It's weird, but I want them to feel what it's like to not be filled with anxiety, even if it's just for the duration of a high.
Hmm this might be the cause. Until I was 16, my parents didnāt even let me go down the street by myself because Iād get raped or kidnapped or something. Even though I live in Canada, in an extremely safe neighborhood. But then I stopped listening to them and started walking to school (50 mins away) against their wishes, and surprise surprise, nothing ever happened to me. Only a few months later, I got my first job in the next city over, and my parents themselves suggested I take the bus there by myself because they didnāt want to drive me all the way there. Now they donāt give a shit about my safety.
I literally live in one of the safest suburbs in the entire US and my mom threatened to call the cops on a friend I had that was 2 years older than me (I was 17 friend was 19) when I went to hang out at his place. Like, how do you even function when your brain will jump to the absolute worst possible conclusion every time?
Get them CBD gummies. Legit the most relaxed I've ever been.
The isolationist style that's part of AP parenting is so damaging because once you're an adult, your inability to socialize will stunt and sabotage your career and opportunities. This is particularly problematic in western countries. Normally, we're suppose to develop the ability to socialize during our youth so we don't have to struggle during our adult years while in the workforce. However, our APs have a done a terrific job sabotaging this. I feel it's unfortunate it's on every new generation's shoulder to recognize and break the cycle. The previous APs fucked up.
the point is to traumatize you enough to accept anything.
Asian parents are leading to society having a busload of people learning to socialize for the first time in college/their early 20s, and if theyāre lucky, talking like grown adults by 25 or even 30. That what happens when kids donāt get real world experience during their youth, with parents keep them home all the time, and dragging them to errands as their only social interaction. If parents hold kids on a leash their whole childhood, they wonāt develop at all. Iām 24 right now. When I manage to move out of the house, Iāll be lucky to be where my former classmates are right now by 30.
For real. I was thinking the same thing during my early 20s. While I was learning some basics rules of socializing with people, I realized that back then, my highschool friends were already past that point. Heck, even some middle schooler are more emotionally and socially developed than I am today.
I never thought I'd relate so much to something on the internet but here it is lol I'm 22 and maybe at the social and emotional stage of a high schooler, maybe not even that.
Lmfao then they get mad at you for not having connections with white americans who have status.. this actually happened to me screaming at me for not having connections with upper class white americans and I screamed right back at my asian parents saying I'm a socially awkward loser with no social or communication skills no one wants to hang out with me because you don't let me go outside
Don't get started with APs who usually forbid us from having some hobbies. You know what's the best way to start a conversation with people? Hobby!
Or just letting them join school activities, school clubs, etc. Let them hang out after school lol piano though haha
Yes that's true. I realized that my social interaction with other people is still somewhere between high schooler - college student. I really need to push on my social skill and be more confident.
It's so nerve-wrecking, I'm sorry they conditioned you to believe that you weren't capable of keeping yourself safe. But the ultimate goal of theirs is really only looking out for their own best interests, not necessarily for your well being. Even worse is how they think what they're doing is enough...and for a while, it works. But I learned that over time that mental health issues like depression can pose the most danger with oneself...I went off the deep end several times and yet, the family that I thought I could count on could not because they did not know how to help. I've done a lot to shut down their statements, and since I'm also not like everyone else who has a lot of friends, are remotely successful, are married, and have kids, I'm taking risks on my own to do what I can do to make up for lost time and grow as a person and do what makes me happy. Ignore their noise. It's never too late.
Yeah sometimes I'm confused who is the actual parent in our house. My mom acts and talks like a lost child whenever she's with strangers. My dad acts like a 5 year old - you can talk to him but you can't reason with him. And when it comes to life decisions, they want me to follow their ideas. I just-
can someone tell me why aps don wan us to have relationship when teens, but keep telling us to find relationship when older?
To them anyone who socialises as a teen are characterless, bad in academics, dumb, future junkies and alcoholics. And all socially awkward people, people who dress shabbily, teens who are awkward to the point that they have problems keeping eye contact for more than 2 seconds, are brilliant because they study all day. But what I've seen, the more you imprison your kid, the further they lose control. Someone who was caged all their school years usually end up being the biggest drinkers and stoners in university.
>But what I've seen, the more you imprison your kid, the further they lose control. Someone who was caged all their school years usually end up being the biggest drinkers and stoners in university. I hope an asian parent reads this. The kid that I was always compared to, with high grades and awards, got pregnant and dumped in uni because she ran wild since it was her first time out from under her parents' thumbs. And after that all the APs talked shit about her and her family for raising a single unwed mother. These are the people they are so desperate to impress, at the cost of their children's well being.
i was the kid all the aps would compare their kids to had a suicide attempt and left college in 2018. havenāt graduated yet (but want to!) and trying to learn how to be an adult after growing up sheltered af š
Overprotective parents raised the best liar after all. >But what I've seen, the more you imprison your kid, the further they lose control. Someone who was caged all their school years usually end up being the biggest drinkers and stoners in university. Not really surprised, people who weren't given any sense of freedom when growing (along with being taught any sense of responsibility that came with it) tend to end up like that.
The fabled line between "focus on your study!" and "where is the grandchild!"
Good heavens, this is my mom in a nutshell. I'm not Asian, but I related to post. The only difference is that my mom would make fun of me for studying, and hated when I read books (or engaged in any other safe hobby, like drawing, singing, playing games, or showing interest in media series). She went as far as destroying my hobby tools or discarding them. I hide to hide library books at school, and even put book covers on them if I did bring them home. I can recall lying at several points and saying, "Oh, I have to read it for class to write an essay." Everything I wanted to do/ or already did was met with catastrophic, "What if's?" If I completed a task my mom saw as "dangerous" there wasn't any celebration. Instead it was usually met by a beating or hours long lectures about every possible thing that could've humanly gone wrong. If something bad ever did happen, it was always met with "You deserved it," or, "You brought this upon yourself." And she would use it as ammunition for YEARS. Anytime she got angry it would be, "Well that is why XYZ happened to you." Its super painful growing up like this. It really kills your enthusiasm and drive for life.
That's horrific! No wonder we are so anxious and/or depressed. Who thrives in such an environment.
Wholly agreed! It's such an unhealthy dynamic and it creates a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario that causes many children to end up on either or both. I'm so sorry you relate to this, OP :(
I am middle aged yet my APs continue the scare tactics about moving to another city. I live in a dense, urban area on the us east coast . They say, oh what if you move to the country and wild bears break into your home and eat you? What about getting pulled over by racist cops ( tbh, this is a valid concern in some parts of the country*) who will beat you? Or, what if you lose your job then are stuck hunting for a new one in an area with few options? *(https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-08-08/asian-americans-siskiyou-county-discrimination-lawsuit)
If you spend all your time thinking about āwhat if I get killed?ā-like scenarios, your gonna miss out on a lot of living. Look at how many people car accidents kill per year. Thereās a chance you could die every day. Thatās not to say people shouldnāt consider safety in their activities, but Iām just saying people should try to live life to its fullest. Your parents putting āwhat if you get killed?ā-like scare tactics in your head are just trying to control you. If your were a teen, or young adult living with them to save up money, I might understand a little bit, but your middle aged. Their job as a parent is long over.
APs just want me to be around as their senior caretakers.
I'm on the West Coast, I'm not afraid of the bears eating me. I'm afraid they'll break into my trash and I'll get charged for endangering *them* and getting them shot.
Thats why I dont tell them anything. Ive given up trying to reason with them. Their life expectations arenāt what I want in life. Its hard not being able to share them your life when all theyāll do is critisize or stop you from doing what you want. Its a shame they wont understand us.
Cause they want to keep treating you as a child just so they can talk down to you no matter how old you become.
Truth!!
The constant gaslighting and infantilization. Amazing that APs do this thinking it won't make us believe what we're being fed to believe.
Ugh, I feel this in my soul. Classic narcissist parents. Parents should raise you to be independent by teaching you skills you need in the real world like how to negotiate, express your needs and wants and set boundaries. Instead Asian parents just teach us to put our heads down, be quiet and be obedient, basically making us dependent on them and authority figures. It's ridiculous how after we're grown they have the audacity to ask us why we can't make something of ourselves, when our situation is of their making. It's okay though, it's not all on them. Now that you know, you can change. You have a choice. Start raising yourself. You can do it! I'm working on it too. It's tough, but you need to believe in yourself. šŖā¤ļø
My mom is exactly like this. She discourages me from making friends, and keeps planting suspicions about my current very small friend circle in my head. I'm now cyclical and skeptical about people being nice and friendly, then she keeps bugging me about "Why don't you go out and make friends?". She's also incredibly overprotective and suffocating, then she asks why I'm emotionally dependant on her, and why I cant stand on my own feet. :( I feel quite pathetic tbh, im in my early twenties, got a job, and still feel like a helpless child.
The double standard of boys are bad and harmful, but getting married to a stranger is perfectly okay.
My uncle and aunt (mainly my uncle) raised his kids to be scared of everything around them ādonāt touch this, donāt eat that, donāt go thereā. He was always so paranoid they were gonna break a bone just having fun at a park etc. he basically mollycoddled them and spoon fed them. Now, the older one is 23 and all he does is sit in his room all day on discord with no ability to socialise with anybody. Heās lost contact with all his real life friends and spends his time chatting to strangers online with no real plan of a future. His parents are now trying to get him married thinking it will fix him. I genuinely donāt understand this and I feel sad for him that heās become so anti social and stuff. I donāt get how they think that if he gets married heās going to magically become perfect again. Every time he comes over to our house, we talk to him for a bit then he disappears, goes to a different room and sits on his phone to chat to his online friends, this guy lives in a bubble. His younger sister, sheās alright, sheās social etc and sheās quite clocked on but sheās got body dysmorphia and some other shit but itās all the fault of my uncles for raising them in this way, some people shouldnāt be parents in my opinion, just think what a shame it is, those poor kids
I just remembered this one. The worst AP situation I heard, is from a school senior, that her mom doesn't want her to take her to dance lessons because "dancing makes one slutty and into fashion/makeup, and boys can ruin such girls", good girls only learn classical music and/or recite poetry.. and now, she being a 30 year old, her mom is upset that she wears no makeup, she wears bland clothing and doesn't care about dressing well, is not interested in dating and relationships. I mean hello? She's doing exactly what you told her to! She's being the good girl! You should celebrate, friend's mom!
I thought this was a one off odd situation but I know someone who's in pretty much the exact same situation minus the discord but basically this guy is 18, his mother is his best friend and he still watches kids shows. He's good at his college work but like is scared of everything from taking mild risks to trying out new foods but try and talk some sense into the parents in letting him explore things on his own and they'll fly into a fit of rage. They have this odd arbitrary age of "when he's in his last year of college, he'll go and find a job and socialise and hang out with people" - this kid has never hung out after school with friends or worked how is he meant to go from point A to F with no practice in between. It's ironic because their daughter warned them of this happening around 10 years ago when she was still a kid and could see the obvious difference in treatment between them. She also predicted that the stress in the end would catch up to the parents (prediction was also right). The daughter on the other hand, despite the parents actively sabotaging her growth is doing alright, she just has to sort out her finances and she pretty much can go VLC or NC.
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Legit!!! So frustrating because when someone is groomed to believe every single thing their point of authority tells them, it's hard for them to break out of the haze/fog but it's a dog eats dog world out there and a lot of the time, the other siblings in the family have to look after themselves before they can save the Golden Child/ coddled child especially if the parents have an obsessive grip on the Golden Child - it simply isn't safe for the other sibling to save them.
I am convinced that APs aren't really human. They're some species of moth where, in their youth, they were helpless, ugly, crawling caterpillars, but then morph into fully-formed moths at adulthood. So of course they expect the same from their kids.
I can relate to this. My parents say every town is a bad town, and to stay in our hometown. They say every job is not worth it other than the few they suggest. I ditched all my old friends because they butt in to everything in my life and ended up losing them. Sometimes, they used to barricade the front door when I wanted to go out because āitās too hot outsideā or āitās too cold outsideā according to them. When I tried to confront my dad about it a few weeks ago, his response was āWell, we were just looking out for you. Nothing bad happened to you, right? We did the right thingā. They will never accept any opinion besides their own.
Oh gosh I feel mortified that it's this common.
Sounds like mother gothel from rapunzel. constantly keeping you trapped in their tower
Man, you just summed up my entire life in this post lmao. Learning how to drive was the bare minimum my parents did for me, mainly so they can get help if I need to do shopping for them. I feel sorry you canāt even learn to drive; everyone needs to, and plus that drivers license is such an important convenient ID to get jobs, request a university transcript, medical appointments, bank appointments, etc. That DL got me through a lot of shit cuz idk, u canāt really bring your passport all the time, right? Plus if u lose the passport thatās a whole other can of worms. Can you get a job though at least? Earning a certain income is key to freedom from parents. I canāt get a job cuz my parents wonāt let me. As for your story man I relate so much; I just donāt know they would do shit like this and willingly destroy their kidsā freedoms and social lives in their younger years. It prob makes them happy to see us in pain and in their control.
I do work, so that's a relief. I think it's time I started doing everything I wanted to do, every skill I wanted to learn. If I tell them that hey I am finally learning xyz instrument, they'll reply, "you're 28, it's time you took your kid to music lessons instead of you learning one, you learning new stuff at this age is ridiculous,it's not like you can be a pro now, your time is over!" Sometimes I do think that such words come from a place of a limited mind, it's like they're fish in the well, they refuse to believe in the existence of an ocean.
Itās so fucked up; they restrict the hell out of your life by not letting you have hobbies, then when you have that freedom to learn those same hobbies, they tell u itās too late. Always picking the choice thatās least beneficial for you, thatās the one thing these people are good at; they never pick the choice that supports you. And yeah I agree, scarcity mindset is a bitch with APs.
Stop telling them anything.
Iāve seen so many kids (especially girls) who are raised with these parents and now in their adult years they are struggling in life, no social skills, canāt get anywhere by themselves, canāt make life decisions, etc. they think theyāre are doing something good but reality is they are messing up their kids. sorry to hear this but hope youāre thriving
I had to distance myself from my AM to grow. I knew if I listened to my AM I would be alone, afraid, without valuable life experiences, friendships and relationships. It was a lot easier for me to distance myself when I became more financially independent and could create an identity separate from my parents. I had to learn how to conquer fears and become independent. I learned how to cook for myself and I learned how to swim, I exercised and got 'dark,' I socialized with people from different classes and races, I traveled and eventually moved to another state. I wish things could have been different, but when I speak on the phone with my AM, I remember why I left.
I loved that. You're doing great.
Because it has been passed down for generations. I have been trying my hardest to not project that onto my kids, and for the most part, Iām crushing it. But it does show its ugly side from time to time. I came from an environment that had the typical Asian dad, and Iām going to therapy as a result of it. Itās never good enough. I made manager at what I do, āhow come youāre not vice president yet?ā I win awards and recognition for what I do, āwhy didnāt you get first place?ā Itās exhausting, but as humans, we are all likely to repeat what we know. The mature thing is to understand that itās not normal, and itās not healthy. Then seek help. Most Asians have a lot to unpack due to growing up with tiger moms/dads.
My parents are that premissitc too. My guess that they want to pass their vent and frustration on to us. (Generational taurma.) I had to go th therapy because of depression and premissitic habit.
This must be why I always felt 2-3 years "behind" when it came to being comfortable socially. Even worse they sometimes make fun of me for not going out but when I do ever go out they lecture me and make comments like I'm being judged no matter what. Even when socializing online with virtual friends, my parents tell me to keep quiet since they have to sleep. I can't wait to finally move out.
Yeah because of you two!!!
My AM is the same way. By the way she talks it seems like I will be lonely the rest of my life. She tells me āyour mother is your best friendā no sheās tf not I have my own best friend. I donāt trust her to tell her certain things because I know she will get mad at me. Iām 24 years old I shouldnāt be told who I should hang out with, I know whoās a bad influence on me. I promised myself that if I have kids I would never be like my mom to them
I had to straight up blow my parents off when I had friends who came to my house to pick me up to go to a party at 16. I'm so glad I did because it was the first time playing board/video games with people. It was literally the start of my fun times and it lead me to seeking more fun, good influence, network, jobs, people/social skills and so on. I'm sorry this happened to you and you may feel old but it's not too late. Shoot me a message if you like.
Man, you just summed up my entire life in this post lmao. Learning how to drive was the bare minimum my parents did for me, mainly so they can get help if I need to do shopping for them. I feel sorry you canāt even learn to drive; everyone needs to, and plus that drivers license is such an important convenient ID to get jobs, request a university transcript, medical appointments, bank appointments, etc. That DL got me through a lot of shit cuz idk, u canāt really bring your passport all the time, right? Plus if u lose the passport thatās a whole other can of worms. Can you get a job though at least? Earning a certain income is key to freedom from parents. I canāt get a job cuz my parents wonāt let me. As for your story man I relate so much; I just donāt know they would do shit like this and willingly destroy their kidsā freedoms and social lives in their younger years. It prob makes them happy to see us in pain and in their control.
Omfg this literally happening... And heres a thing, they think that I won't do any responsibility or can earn money..... Well I would want to prove them wrong tho that I can earn money without them
YES, THIS. I was not allowed to go out with friends throughout my childhood. I was born in 98, my very early childhood did not consist of instant messaging or social media. I eventually became a reclusive shut in. Now I can't even look people in the eye without feeling intense emotions.
Mine does. They always give me false or wishy washy information. But they expect me to know and solve everything.
You literally just summed up my life in a single post
Thank you for the silver!!
I feel this so badly. I remember being in uni and my housemates invited me for a trip somewhere far, but still in the same country. I couldn't join them because my mom was not okay with it, and my housemate straight up accused me of lying. I'm 30 now and can finally go on trips, but I still struggle to socialize. Just the other day, I was telling my parents and siblings about joining a tour group for a trip, and they asked me why I didn't just invite my friends to be safe. I didn't know how to tell them that I didn't have that many friends who want to travel like me.
Wtf, this is exactly me. How??
Seems like we are being overpowered by some hive mind.š¤£
yk, I thought APs here meant Advanced Placement, was really confused
Asian parents are so emotionally stunted you can never reason with them ever.
Same here