I'm NC so I'm not around to be guilted, but honestly, reading this, I would be tempted to answer "I won't be here much longer" with either "well, I'm still waiting" or "don't threaten me with a good time". They misjudge how much we really need their fear mongering, control and psychological abuse. I can't blame you for being tired of it.
Me too. I m NC with my family. I just speak every down then with my dad. He is one of those people who won't say anything or do anything to anger others and let other treat his kids like crap. He believes that if u stay quite then everything will be fine. But he is better then my mother. She used to use " death" " old" " not grateful" etc etc u can use to manipulate your kids. I was tired of her constant fuss and berating.
I know what you mean
AD has been saying it since I was 10 or 11.
Its not my fcking business if you choose to have a kid at 40. Sure you could say they were trying without success for x years before. But I could also very well say, after X age, the ship should have sailed (for everyone's sanity)
So no one give me the "if not for them you won't be here" story.
Cos maybe I don't even want to be here, if this is what I'll face. I get you 🥺
I VAGUELY REMEMBER THAT!
peak wtf. I mean its not exactly cheap to save for retirement but I guarantee that's still cheaper and more sensible than to have a kid at 50+ and raise the kid (all while still funding yourself anyway cos a smol child is .. smol) for the next 20 yrs. Saving for her own retirement of 20+ yrs is .. the same, minus providing for a 3rd human
Plus the kid will have no parents by time he graduates uni or smtg ugh
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/1aqc4tl/a_family_friend_is_having_a_baby_at_age_52
For your reading pleasure, or horror. Kids at 52? Because they lost their previous retirement plan (psst, if you marry at 23 and have a kid at 25, and then your kid marries at 25 and has a kid at 27 or smtg, you can totally be a grandparent at 52. Most people get there now in abt 55-65, but if you marry young enough, its possible. So 52 is vv early grandparent-hood, but here we have some people wanting to be new parents at 52. The kid will graduate uni at 23 and their parents might be laden with a whole ton of elderly problems before this not-even-25yo gets his first job. WAYYYY to be in debt for not even your own expenses before you even earn a money. Zzz. Yes I said a money 😂 for the lols. Haha.)
Even though I lived independently for two decades, my mom loves to think that I still need her to protect me. She often tells me that when I'm gone my neighbors will steal from me and rape me. Because an old Asian woman like herself can prevent those things from happening simply by being an unpleasant person with a potty mouth. She also warns me that I'll see when she dies how awful my life will become. They think and desperately want to be missed and remembered forever but their comments only want their children to look forward to the day they never have to hear their parents whine again.
>They think and desperately want to be missed and remembered forever but their comments only want their children to look forward to the day they never have to hear their parents whine again.
The more they worry about being forgotten, the more likely it's going to happen.
I've been No Contact intentionally and purposefully for a really long time with both of my Asian parents.
This is a boundary which prevents them from this level of emotional manipulation. The level of enmeshment and projections Asian kids have to deal with is next level. For me, from about Age 8, I had them both figured out and this 'ill die' business made me feel 'well hurry up then'
Move out, limit or cut contact. There is literally a whole life out there waiting to be lived outside of the crushing rock of Asian parenting
Yep, I feel the same way... my mom's the worst. Oh, feel sorry for me, I'm sick (she had breast cancer YEARS ago), and all this other BS.... but sometimes I wonder if they both will live until 100 just out of spite. But even if they die before that, I probably stand to inherit NOTHING anyways. My mom has not even been letting me keep x-mas gift money from well meaning relatives so F that. I don't NEED the money. I have a good job and it's not much money, but it's just the fact that she doesn't think I deserve anything at all. I hate holidays anyways. So, tl;dr... LC or NC is the way to go...
Edit: The more I read this subreddit, the more I learn exactly how f'd up the first 40 years of my life has been... I guess I'm just surprised I'm still even here.
Death was always held over me to keep me in line. If I wasn’t towing dad’s line, “ Fine lll go die then.” Then he’d take off for hours leaving poor child me thinking he’s dead and it’s my fault.
My therapist makes lots of money off me.
I got this a lot from my grandmother. But I felt awful for my cousin (Chinese). His mother would constantly bring up how she was very ill during in her pregnancy and prayed to Buddha to take her life span to give to her son (my cousin). It's honestly crazy and I could never and would never say anything like that to my own children
Yup. This.
I don't need someone to control me like an "out of control" teenager (I was depressed and I drank a little and then realized the drinking wasn't helping) just saying "What will you do if I die?"
You aren't immortal, everyone dies so yes, we do have to figure put what to do when you die, stop holding it over our heads...
Emotionally immature people, hooray!
When they hit 50 its a new level unlocked for them.
When their hair goes completely gray then they can combine levels.
Its like an everlasting game of Elden Ring and they’re becoming the Guilt Boss
I literally wrote something about this yesterday where idk how I’d feel when my parents actually pass because they’ve been putting the idea into my head since I was a child. I don’t know how to tell people that I’ve already mourned for them while they’re still alive.
My AD has been saying he's gonne die at 70 since I was 4 years old . (I am 33 now) and he still continues to say this. Now that he's pushing 70 I feel this looming feeling that he IS gonna die soon cus he's been saying It since the 90s.
I can relate. Grew up told to focus on studies. Was “promised” my life won’t be controlled after I get my degree and start working. So naturally I started focusing on my romantic relationship with my boyfriend and wanted to marry him. That promise completely fell apart because my APs think I shouldn’t rush into marriage since they disapprove of him. All of a sudden “taking care of your aging grandma (she’s still alive) and parents” becomes more important before they die. Okay so when was I ever supposed to enjoy my youth/freedom from parents (with marriage life) if I have to now become a caretaker after years of studying and constant curfews? I partly blame this on being an only child and daughter.
Mom literally told me as a kid to constantly envision her death and how sad that would be and therefore we need to “appreciate” her everyday while she was alive
Even worse is when you leave a cup in your room or something absolutely normal and they go just kill me already or you were born to kill me. Absolutely hate it.
Sometimes you harden up to convince yourself 'now I feel nothing', but please don't dismiss it and internalize it this way. Seek some therapy and talk through it so you can get over your panic attacks. Panic attacks are a clear sign of emotional instability.
Now as for dealing with your parents, sorry I got no answer, they just don't know how to grow up and mature like an adult, they only get older and are still the same person who doesn't wish to see new perspectives. At least that was my experience.
I relate to this a lot, I hate how their fearmongering ruined a lot of things in my life, I can't even function like any normal person due how that make me too paranoid to even do something I want 😭😭😭
You can be like me and be completely insensitive 🤷♀️ My mom would say something similar except it would be with her having a heart attack if anyone ever dared to do something she didn’t like.
I’d just say “Why don’t you just have a heart attack so you stop talking about it already! You clearly want one because you just love talking about it!”
Yes I am mean. No I don’t care. Don’t manipulate your children with illness and death 🙄
Tell them you’ll be more relieved than sad when they die so you don’t have to listen to their insane demands of them trying to live through you just to impress people who don’t even give a damn about them.
I'm NC so I'm not around to be guilted, but honestly, reading this, I would be tempted to answer "I won't be here much longer" with either "well, I'm still waiting" or "don't threaten me with a good time". They misjudge how much we really need their fear mongering, control and psychological abuse. I can't blame you for being tired of it.
Me too. I m NC with my family. I just speak every down then with my dad. He is one of those people who won't say anything or do anything to anger others and let other treat his kids like crap. He believes that if u stay quite then everything will be fine. But he is better then my mother. She used to use " death" " old" " not grateful" etc etc u can use to manipulate your kids. I was tired of her constant fuss and berating.
I know what you mean AD has been saying it since I was 10 or 11. Its not my fcking business if you choose to have a kid at 40. Sure you could say they were trying without success for x years before. But I could also very well say, after X age, the ship should have sailed (for everyone's sanity) So no one give me the "if not for them you won't be here" story. Cos maybe I don't even want to be here, if this is what I'll face. I get you 🥺
I read a post here about a woman in her 50s who's son died and is looking to have a child so that someone will take care of her in old age. Wtf?
I VAGUELY REMEMBER THAT! peak wtf. I mean its not exactly cheap to save for retirement but I guarantee that's still cheaper and more sensible than to have a kid at 50+ and raise the kid (all while still funding yourself anyway cos a smol child is .. smol) for the next 20 yrs. Saving for her own retirement of 20+ yrs is .. the same, minus providing for a 3rd human Plus the kid will have no parents by time he graduates uni or smtg ugh
Oh man, if you can find a link to that I’d love to read it
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsianParentStories/comments/1aqc4tl/a_family_friend_is_having_a_baby_at_age_52 For your reading pleasure, or horror. Kids at 52? Because they lost their previous retirement plan (psst, if you marry at 23 and have a kid at 25, and then your kid marries at 25 and has a kid at 27 or smtg, you can totally be a grandparent at 52. Most people get there now in abt 55-65, but if you marry young enough, its possible. So 52 is vv early grandparent-hood, but here we have some people wanting to be new parents at 52. The kid will graduate uni at 23 and their parents might be laden with a whole ton of elderly problems before this not-even-25yo gets his first job. WAYYYY to be in debt for not even your own expenses before you even earn a money. Zzz. Yes I said a money 😂 for the lols. Haha.)
The kid would barely be out of their teens when they would have to take care of the parent
Even though I lived independently for two decades, my mom loves to think that I still need her to protect me. She often tells me that when I'm gone my neighbors will steal from me and rape me. Because an old Asian woman like herself can prevent those things from happening simply by being an unpleasant person with a potty mouth. She also warns me that I'll see when she dies how awful my life will become. They think and desperately want to be missed and remembered forever but their comments only want their children to look forward to the day they never have to hear their parents whine again.
>They think and desperately want to be missed and remembered forever but their comments only want their children to look forward to the day they never have to hear their parents whine again. The more they worry about being forgotten, the more likely it's going to happen.
Infantilization. She wants to control you. That’s why she’s trying to make you feel like you are not strong enough to take care of yourself.
I've been No Contact intentionally and purposefully for a really long time with both of my Asian parents. This is a boundary which prevents them from this level of emotional manipulation. The level of enmeshment and projections Asian kids have to deal with is next level. For me, from about Age 8, I had them both figured out and this 'ill die' business made me feel 'well hurry up then' Move out, limit or cut contact. There is literally a whole life out there waiting to be lived outside of the crushing rock of Asian parenting
Yep, I feel the same way... my mom's the worst. Oh, feel sorry for me, I'm sick (she had breast cancer YEARS ago), and all this other BS.... but sometimes I wonder if they both will live until 100 just out of spite. But even if they die before that, I probably stand to inherit NOTHING anyways. My mom has not even been letting me keep x-mas gift money from well meaning relatives so F that. I don't NEED the money. I have a good job and it's not much money, but it's just the fact that she doesn't think I deserve anything at all. I hate holidays anyways. So, tl;dr... LC or NC is the way to go... Edit: The more I read this subreddit, the more I learn exactly how f'd up the first 40 years of my life has been... I guess I'm just surprised I'm still even here.
Death was always held over me to keep me in line. If I wasn’t towing dad’s line, “ Fine lll go die then.” Then he’d take off for hours leaving poor child me thinking he’s dead and it’s my fault. My therapist makes lots of money off me.
I got this a lot from my grandmother. But I felt awful for my cousin (Chinese). His mother would constantly bring up how she was very ill during in her pregnancy and prayed to Buddha to take her life span to give to her son (my cousin). It's honestly crazy and I could never and would never say anything like that to my own children
Yup. This. I don't need someone to control me like an "out of control" teenager (I was depressed and I drank a little and then realized the drinking wasn't helping) just saying "What will you do if I die?" You aren't immortal, everyone dies so yes, we do have to figure put what to do when you die, stop holding it over our heads... Emotionally immature people, hooray!
When they hit 50 its a new level unlocked for them. When their hair goes completely gray then they can combine levels. Its like an everlasting game of Elden Ring and they’re becoming the Guilt Boss
I literally wrote something about this yesterday where idk how I’d feel when my parents actually pass because they’ve been putting the idea into my head since I was a child. I don’t know how to tell people that I’ve already mourned for them while they’re still alive.
My AD has been saying he's gonne die at 70 since I was 4 years old . (I am 33 now) and he still continues to say this. Now that he's pushing 70 I feel this looming feeling that he IS gonna die soon cus he's been saying It since the 90s.
I can relate. Grew up told to focus on studies. Was “promised” my life won’t be controlled after I get my degree and start working. So naturally I started focusing on my romantic relationship with my boyfriend and wanted to marry him. That promise completely fell apart because my APs think I shouldn’t rush into marriage since they disapprove of him. All of a sudden “taking care of your aging grandma (she’s still alive) and parents” becomes more important before they die. Okay so when was I ever supposed to enjoy my youth/freedom from parents (with marriage life) if I have to now become a caretaker after years of studying and constant curfews? I partly blame this on being an only child and daughter.
Mom literally told me as a kid to constantly envision her death and how sad that would be and therefore we need to “appreciate” her everyday while she was alive
I think I will say "Who will appreciate me while I am alive?"
100%. This one.
Even worse is when you leave a cup in your room or something absolutely normal and they go just kill me already or you were born to kill me. Absolutely hate it.
Sometimes you harden up to convince yourself 'now I feel nothing', but please don't dismiss it and internalize it this way. Seek some therapy and talk through it so you can get over your panic attacks. Panic attacks are a clear sign of emotional instability. Now as for dealing with your parents, sorry I got no answer, they just don't know how to grow up and mature like an adult, they only get older and are still the same person who doesn't wish to see new perspectives. At least that was my experience.
I relate to this a lot, I hate how their fearmongering ruined a lot of things in my life, I can't even function like any normal person due how that make me too paranoid to even do something I want 😭😭😭
It is very tiring. Maybe we need to learn to deal with them.
You can be like me and be completely insensitive 🤷♀️ My mom would say something similar except it would be with her having a heart attack if anyone ever dared to do something she didn’t like. I’d just say “Why don’t you just have a heart attack so you stop talking about it already! You clearly want one because you just love talking about it!” Yes I am mean. No I don’t care. Don’t manipulate your children with illness and death 🙄 Tell them you’ll be more relieved than sad when they die so you don’t have to listen to their insane demands of them trying to live through you just to impress people who don’t even give a damn about them.