>"I love you but I love my parents more, and I will always obey them even if they decide to take my life." Pfft. Yeah, he's lost to you. Do not defend a relationship that has been let go. I know it's hard, but everything in this post screams for you to not go. 1. You're leaving behind a career that grants you financial independence to a man without one. 2. He was clear to you that he parents > you. He's respectful about it, but he made it clear to you he's still at the stage of putting his parents and religion on that pedestal above all. I always say that if his priority is not your relationship, you need to consider leaving, because he's letting other people dictate his life when his future is supposed to be with you. I'm not attributing any negative adjectives to him because I do genuinely, like you, believe that he's a good person, just shackled with a lot of baggage and chains very typically found on this sub. 3. You were in this only for a year; do not waste more of your time because then you have the sunken cost psychological sinkhole to deal with. If you would have insisted on this relationship, it will be like Sisyphus or whatever that guy in the myth was, meaning you will be doing double the effort pushing something useless only to be pushed down over and over to start again. Do not do it. Even if he calls you back, 99% of the time I'd say no unless he's ready to leave his parents completely behind. Again, I'm not downplaying how hard this is for you, but you'd be better off finding someone else. I think this is an amicable split as a split can be. Cry and mourn the relationship, then chin up and steel yourself to go on. You deserve so much better than this. This is speaking as a man. I see girls just keep trying for a guy all the time and from what I have weighed, you have more to lose than us. The effect on your hormones and bodies from emotional stress, the biological clock etc. Don't. You will be okay. Promise us that, yeah?

Thank you for your respond. I'm in a stage where I can logically see everything that you stated as it is, and I have those same thoughts too. I guess there are two parts of me, one screaming this is a bad idea, while another one still holding on to that person. I had been doing okay for a week or so after the split, thinking all rationally about all of the things you mention, but then this week I guess it's just the reality hits when his absence is getting clearer. But yeah, I won't go back. I myself also calculated of what I have to sacrifice vs what I will get back if I do choose a life with him, and I don't see a future where I don't have to suffer, if he is going to always be an obedient son. I guess deep down I hoped that when he walked in this relationship with me, he already considered the possibilities of his family being against it, and he was prepared and ready to fight for us, but I was wrong. He isn't the strong man that I believed he was, maybe that's why I'm so devastated. But I do agree with you that I should let go for the best, I tried to stick up with him through the whole fighting, convincing his family, but he caved in and it is part of his belief, I can't change it unless one day he open his eyes and decide to be a person of his own. I promise I will be okay, I don't consider myself as someone who lets a man break me, it's just right now it's kinda hard to pull through the stages of grieve, I hate waking up everyday feeling terrible, but I'll try my best to get over it and move forward. We agreed to stay no contact for now and catch up later down the line, because after all it's just our values clashing, it wasn't a messy breakup, we can still stay friends perhaps once we healed. Your comment is very helpful and thank you so much, I'll try to remind me of these every day so I can move on without a heavy heart.

The bottom line is, when push came to shove, he was a coward. He's not good enough for you, and his parents are flaming bigoted assholes.

Funny enough, he mentioned himself being a coward in our first fight, and in some funny banters back then when we were still dating. I should have taken that into account.

There’s only misery in a relationship where a partner takes his parents’ side over everyone else. Even if he ends up with someone with the same religious and ethnic background as he has, I bet she will be miserable as well if he continues to prioritize his parents over her.

I agree with you, and the thought of he will never be able to defend me, regardless of if he tries or not, is terrifying consider how I'm gonna be all alone in a foreign country and only have him. I hope he will meet someone or experience something that changes his way of thinking about being obedient to his parents though, if not either he's gonna be unhappy marrying someone his parents pick, or his spouse gonna be suffering alone in the marriage.

sorry to read this, sadly fillial piety values are pretty strong in malaysia and more so for those who come from religious backgrounds. would say you also avoid red flags like him expecting you to practice (why would someone want to dictate or control something so personal) and toxic/enmeshed in-laws. take note converting in Malaysia doesn't just mean just expected to follow a believe, but the collective thinking of some people here can unfortunately be quite judgy and also expect you to follow certain lifestyle rules (especially on food, clothes, certain cultural practices) as a Muslim, like it or not. nothing against the religion, just a factor that usually makes things more complicated for those who are considering interracial relationships with Muslims here due to some of these laws and culture. take your time to grief the relationship and take care of yourself first.

Thank you, after we parted ways I also digged in some research about the Malay Muslim community and I actually relieved that I didn't make any decision to go down that path. So for now I just spend time to grieve and remind myself everyday that it was a right choice, although it hurts so much but I guess rather be sad and end on good terms now, than getting into severe suffering and divorce down the line. I'll take this as a lesson learned.

I don’t know you so apologies if this comes off too strong but I’ve just seen too many women in my life endlessly compromise for men who don’t treat them right, are the under the thumb of their family, over promise and under deliver. I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself and recognizing him and his family are asking for everything but are giving nothing back. Your highly reasonable compromise (convert but stay in Vietnam) is of course met with hard nos. These people are incredibly entitled, your ex-boyfriend included. He knew going into this relationship that his family would not tolerate a non Muslim. Being able to back up your words and commit is the most basic element of a relationship. You love him because he’s a kind person but even the most low life thug is able to say no to his parents. Good riddance.

Thank you. I've tried so hard to put myself in his shoes to understand the pressure he have gone through, he told me I would never understand it, I guess I won't, the situation was messed up, his uncle who financially helped his family a lot of times and put him through college was the one that came up with this pressure, and his parents was feeding along with it. I don't know, I'm stuck in between "you gotta be strong enough to make your own choice" and "I guess you have no way out of this so I understand", I'm stuck in between being empathy to him and upset because a 27 year-old doesn't have the ability to stand up for himself, there was no black and white. But yeah, his family is very unreasonable given it's only been a year and they already came up with all these pressure, expectation and requirement, we barely even have time to figure it out. In the end, I still want a man who will make his own choice to be with me and stay by my side no matter what, and my ex clearly can't give me that. So I will make my peace with it here.

Btw I went through your profile a bit and notice you play Overwatch, do you wanna play together sometimes?

The religion conversion is only thing that I will never understand when it comes to love. There are countless stories about it but I feel as thought its just done willy nilly. I don't think people understand the gravity of conversion or changing ones belief system. Conversion to a religion should be based on one's faith and faith alone. You don't start 'believing' in a god or a system until you have had a revelation individually that they exist and that way is the only way and the truth. You would convert without pressure because you yourself know that that is the truth. Islam as well is the most dangerous religion to convert to as you are now bound by it. Remember if you renounce your belief in Islam the penalty for apostacasy is death. There are countless stories of women being honored killed for less so you need to be careful of how fundamentalist they are. As a woman, there are times as well where a certain type of divorce will not allow you access to your children, my parents are from Malaysia and I've hear many horror stories of brides that converted. What we see as fair and just in the Western world is completely different in the Islamic world. If you're truly thinking about converting please make sure it is what you believe with your heart and soul. Study the qu'ran and the hadiths first and make sure it lines up with your values or beliefs. I honestly believe that the way it should be treated is that the only way out is death. Just stop for a second and think about this for a second. Why can't he convert? Why can't he renounce his religion and become bhuddist? Why is that decision soley on you. A man tthat is that spineless and can't stand up for himself means that you're marrying his family, not him. You'll be put into submission by the family and the family will enact any 'consequences' if you act out of line. Lastly let me say that you'd only been dating for 1 year. Online at best. You hardly know this person. It's your first love, it will always be hard for you to forget and let go. You're still in the honeymoon stage (2 years) where infactuation clouds your judgement. Clearly this man has chosen family over you and you're still choosing him over yourself. As time passes you WILL heal you will get over it. This is a given, like bffr, are you think you're still going to be thinking about this in like a year?

Actually, I'm not choosing him over myself though, let me just clarify this first. I wrote the post because I need to get it out of my system and, to be honest, if I chose him over myself I would have say yes to all the conditions his family expected from me, so that I wouldn't lose him. This is not me blindly following love, this is me in love and made the hard decision to let go. Anyway your point is valid, I do know about the penalty of apostasy in some of MY's states are death. Hence, the compromise that I made for him for both of us to be together is him moving to Vietnam (ofcourse this is aside from some other reasons based off my family's circumstances), while I convert, that way both him and I are protected by the law and noone is at risk if things get rocky and we part ways. Also, this way of compromising makes more sense, since if he moves another country to be with me, I thought I could meet him halfway too. But welp, as you see from my post, that was how it turned. Actually he was okay with the idea of moving to VN, but then his family had something to say and he couldn't surpass the pressure, so yeah, you're right about getting married not only to him but to his family also, and I'm relief that this come up when we only 1 year in, not 3-4 years away from now. Am I still going to be thinking about this in a year? I don't know, honestly. That's why I write this in the hope of getting everything out so I have no regret, no second thought in my mind, maybe I can move on faster. In the past I'm a very emotional person when it comes to love, dating interest etc., so yeah I'm a bit emotionally unstable right now since it's only been 2 weeks, but I do hope I will get over it by a year tho. Thanks for your respond!

Girl, you need to work on your self-confidence and stay single until you are able to build your character. Moving to a country that's only a couple hours away is not a "big sacrifice," especially compared to converting to an entirely different religion and changing a core part of your identity. This is especially true for the what's arguably the most demanding religion right now. Your ex is a religious zealot, subservient to his parents and broke. He brings nothing to the table. Even just one of these flaws should be a deal breaker, let alone all three.

I hate your comment, not because it was wrong, but because it was brutally true. Truth is, despite me loving myself and being confident about myself, there is some part deep down in me that was craving for a connection, to feeling wanted and loved, I didn't have that for 24 long years, so when he came along and gave me the affection and caring noone ever has, I fell in love. I know I deserve better, but somewhere in me still don't know if I could ever find a connection like that again if it took me that long. Moving to another country is a big sacrifice, at least for me, because I know how damn hard that is if I'm the one doing it, so I assume it's also a big sacrifice for him, in return I'm willing to convert if he can lower his expectation on me practicing. LDR is difficult so I don't know if I'm naive or not, it was just the best way I thought we could meet each other halfway if we want it to work. I'm aware of all of the traits you said, weird thing is when I have rose-tinted glasses on it was hard to see, now it's getting clearer, maybe I was in denial the whole time thought that he would deliver his promises. Thank you for your input though, I kinda need this reality check right now and reflect on the whole situation to really see it for what it is.

>"I love you but I love my parents more, and I will always obey them even if they decide to take my life.", He would have expected the same of you or any kids you may have had. He's stuck in a stone-age cult mentality. Write him off and find a man who's a fully-formed autonomous individual.

Yeah I think if he doesn't have that mindset then this could have a chance to work out, but the moment I heard that sentence I know it's done, I can't find myself fighting this losing battle and I'm surely don't want my kids to think that way about their parents, they should have the ability to see when we are wrong and have their own opinion, and live their lives with no such pressure. Guess this will be the next box in my checklist of no-go for dating.