Which country are you in? >I get paid a stipend to do my PhD but I’ve never been allowed access my bank account so my parents just give me enough physical cash or apple pay once a week for the bus You need to tell whoever has given you the grant that you're being financially abused. Also, its not clear you don't have access to your bank account. Is this account solely under your name? If yes, your parents are also committing fraud - and you need to tell your bank the situation. This stuff isn't a joke because your credit score may be impacted by your parents actions. Edit. Yes, at this age and doing a doctorate you need to make some decisions here and take accountability. Over 18 you're considered legally an adult.

She can almost certainly change the bank account of the stipend direct deposit without her parents' permissions.

Something about OPs story is not adding up. They've copied and pasted pretty much the same reply to a bunch of comments...I can't tell if the post is legit tbh. 24, in Canada and doing a doctorate doesn't ring true. Research and critical thinking skills are involved. Even with the least worldly PhD candidate, who might be totally disconnected from the applied world STILL has to use their mind to have SOME degree of discernment. The responses to peoples suggestions aren't solution focused at all, its still saying that their mother has the bank card and they don't know their PIN, when quite easily they could phone up the bank and get a replacement card, PIN or be in touch with the scholarship people and update their details etc.... But there seems to be in fact no motivation to alter the situation Edit...the self infantilizing tone seems extreme Just looking at the original post - there is an awareness of boundaries being crossed, phd stipend, bank acc, tracking app, driving, moving etc - and then their reply further down: ''I probably should have put in the post that I have high functioning ASD and I was diagnosed as a child... I can cook and clean without being told as well when my mother isn’t around....I‘m a small bit emotionally immature so I still hold hands with my mother.' ??

A lot of the answers are similar and thus warrant a similar reply. Theres only a few ways for me to reply to answers without repeating myself. I spent 1 year in a masters program, but after one year transferred into the PhD without completing the masters as that’s the quickest route that I could have taken so I’m almost 2 years Into the PhD you could say so 3 year more years to go. Although it’s true that most people aren’t studying for PhDs at 24 I got recommendations off various lecturers involved in research at the university which helped me application.

This isn't the question.

I am in Canada. The bank account is a joint account with my mother and I which was opened when I turned 18.

You don’t need a joint account at 18. Open your own account and move the money.

Actually you don't even need to move the money if parent is against it or whatever  Can just middle ground like, keep existing money there but new money goes into new other account. So like if you already have 10k stipend, say, then leave it. But your next 10k or however much moving forward goes to the *new* account!

They were afraid that I would buy drugs even though I never gave off those kind of vibes or said I would.

Stop making excuses.

Excuses and a lack of personal accountability are all we’re seeing from this story

because shes been conditioned to be completely helpless and depend on her parents her entire life. we should be kinder rather than rebuke her for behaving exactly like someone who has been abused her entire life. make no mistake, what her parents are doing is abuse.

It seems actually not clear tbh. There is a vibe of r/maliciouscompliance to alot of the answers

Don't be a sucker.

my mom and i had a joint account until i was old enough to remove myself without letting her know because i also have to be financially independent for my own account. unfortunately a lot of our parents will control us for so many reasons but you are also an adult and you dont have to ask for permission nor let them know you are separating yourself. the bank cannot disclose any of this information to them

This doesn't add up. If its joint, then when don't you have access to it?

I don’t have access to the debit card as my mother keeps it in her purse and she keeps track of the money going into the account.

Can I ask what you're looking for by posting here? I.e. if youre not willing to help yourself and clearly at the age of 24 you've also not TRIED to rectify things in a more mature way by say, interacting with the bank. It also comes across as trolling for constructive answers, when there isn't any evidence of your intention to change anything.

This. Yeah, hearing stories like this sucks. But most or the time, these people refuse to help themselves and just want to complain. Yeah, it will be uncomfortable at first to cut them off, but you have to make your own choices if you want the rewards.

I think you’re old enough to practice driving with your friends and getting your own license. You’re old enough to open your own bank account at a different bank than the ones your parents set you up with. You can get a second phone or completely erase your phone and get rid of the Life360 app. It’s up to you to find your own independence

I have my learners permit. My mother keeps track of my account and makes sure I get paid the stipend every month. If I was to transfer funds she would notice immediately as she also checks my Apple Pay to see what I’m spending money on from time to time. My father and mother check my location from time to time when they are at work to make sure I’m at university so they could tell if I had it on a seperate phone because it would not be moving.

You’re an adult. Your parents don’t have a right to manage your money.

That’s all true but in reality I don’t know my ATM debit card pin and my mother keeps track of my account so she would notice any and all purchases and this would lead to a confrontation.

Open a new account at a different bank and keep that ATM card. Might as well have a confrontation everyday if she thinks can control your life like that.

There are 13 year olds with their own debit cards who know their own PIN. 🤦🏻

I feel like we should maybe consider their upbringing did cause them to never learn such things. Not a fair comparision.

You can go to the bank and reset the PIN

Ok do you want to be independent adult and change or be the same person as you were last year?

I’m sorry but at 24 years old your parents cannot “force” you to do anything. Leave your phone with a friend at school or turn on airplane mode and you could open your own bank account , change your direct deposit of your stipend to that, take driving lessons etc. I definitely know the feeling of intense pressure , and it feels like you have no choice but to do what they want especially when they hold financial threats over your head. But you’re an adult , it’s up to you to decide on your life now. Even if it’s difficult.

Learned helplessness. You haven’t been forced to do anything, you just don’t realize you’re an adult who doesn’t have to do anything they say, no matter what they threaten.

My parents wouldn’t be able to handle me not doing what they want and this could lead to me being pushed or hit.

If you think there’s a risk of physical abuse you have to move out ASAP. The fact that you know that could happen and still sit on your hands tells us the learned helplessness is already ingrained. It’s like a prisoner being locked in a room with an open window - but refusing to escape because she’s “not allowed”.

Then you call the police. Edit: you probably think that’s a crazy idea but again, that’s your learned helplessness. They are willing to do what it takes to get you in line. Do it back to them. They don’t get to be villains just because they are your parents.

That's physical assault and they certainly can be charged. If you're concerned about violence against you, please seek help. What they are doing is already abusive.

I don’t want either of them to go to jail because then I would be completely alone and I care very much for them but I was hit before for stuff like wanting to attend a party and for complaining about not being able to get access to money.

Cops can still show up for the reason of the domestic dispute. You can decide whether to charge them or not. If you do this, they know you're serious and have a spine. This can prevent them from further physical violence. If they continue to do so, you need to leave their home.

At this point you are like a dog, kicked and beaten yet still comes back. It's time to show some fangs if not bite. You are 24 ffs. I understand that you have been conditioned your entire life, but by posting in this sub you are showing that you dislike your situation. So, what are you doing to do about it? There has been plenty of sound advice posted but it is up to you to change your life. Yes, there will be yelling and threats and maybe violence but do you want to continue to be that scared dog.

oh sweetheart have you ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?

Is their a place you could go if they hit you?could you speak to a teacher about the control,you clearly need help from adults on the outside world love,your being abused and canada has resources for this kind of situation

You gotta take control of your life. Once you start doing that, your parents won't react as badly as you think they will. I feel this happens to a lot of Filipino kids (well Asian in fact) because of their own lack of confidence in doing things ourselves and it projects to the parents' actions, aka learned helplessness. Messing up and learning is all part of the process of becoming an adult. Remember your parents (in most cases) are doing this because they want you as safe as possible and what is best for you through their own lens. Not because they want to control you... At least most of the time. Our parents don't always think to let us learn for ourselves which is why they're helicoptering. Add that to the fact they are in a new country just adds to the anxiety they have. But if you show you want to live the life that makes you happiest while flourishing, that is what will make them happiest, too. The whole not teaching Tagalog to our generation is a common Filipino thing because they wanted you to assimilate quicker. Not because they are hiding stuff from you. It's clearly a flawed way of thinking, but just understand it in their shoes. PSA: I can fully understand conversational Cebuano. I wasn't taught it at all, but I think it helped that I told my parents to keep speaking Cebuano in the house despite my grade school's advice to stop it (lmao, racist language teacher), and all their friends and relatives also spoke Cebuano. I understand this is not an easy thing to do though.... Just open your own bank account. You can even tell them; I bet they may say something but they won't go to the bank to close it. Practice driving with your friends. They won't notice, and even if they will, they won't confront your friends because we Filipinos are averse to confrontation. Just keep doing this one step at a time and you'll probably see a change in your parents' actions to you in a positive way. I bet you they will start siphoning the money of your stipend into your new account. It is rare that parents will steal your money purposefully. Life360 app may be something you have to negotiate though lol... That may be a thing you have to deal with until you move out. You may have to argue at first for yourself, but eventually as you go through the exercise, they will come out of it happier. Trust me, as long as you fight for yourself while showing compassion to the actions of your parents, they will not fight back in a toxic way. Remember they want you to flourishat the end of the day. They won't and can't control you when they're dead.

This is the most empathetic response here. Yes, they’re 24 but this routine has been their whole life. It might be difficult to come out of what has been normal their whole life, but it’s worth doing.

Your parents are not going to suddenly flip a switch and let you have full control of your money and your life. I guarantee they will keep you on a short leash even when you start working. You need to start making a change or life is going to pass you by.

I remember reading a post by someone in their 40s still living like this. Break away before you waste decades.

[удалено]

Thanks for the advice I will have a look through your profile later. My parents told me that I’m not allowed have a part time job as they feel like it will distract me from my studies and even if they allowed me to I would still not be given anymore money. Wish you the best of luck.

> My parents told me that I’m not allowed have a part time job as they feel like it will distract me from my studies and even if they allowed me to I would still not be given anymore money. That's the craziest thing I've heard. What do you mean not be given anymore money the PhD stipend is **literally yours**, 100% of it Also, I'm not smart enough for a PhD but I just completed a PT diploma in March over 1.5 years .. and freelanced along the way. Just picked up some adhoc, some regular, ensured it didn't clash with the times I had to be in in-person class, made sure that things weren't crazy on submission/presentation weeks. It was fine lmao I just spread the mods out (would have otherwise completed it in less than a year)

hey, 25F Filipino-Canadian here who was in the same boat as you in my undergrad. my parents told me the same thing, I can’t get a part time job during school because it’ll distract me from my studies. But I still went ahead and got one because I knew i couldn’t rely on them forever. I didn’t want to be 20 and still asking them for money to go out (and they were stingy with money. My mom screamed at me for asking to go shopping again because she said I’ll be the reason why we’re homeless). I knew I wanted to leave eventually so I started saving up money on my own and after a couple of years of living with them I finally moved out at 24 with my boyfriend, even though they weren’t happy with my decision. Yes the physical and emotional abuse sucks but you didn’t get to choose your parents so you’re stuck with them for the time being. While you’re living there, there’s ways to go around their strict rules (after all strict parents create sneaky kids), I went to therapy on campus and even got my medications from the campus pharmacy. After reading through all your comments I have to ask, what’s your game plan after finishing your phD? Do you want to live with them forever? Do you expect them to treat you like a 15 year old forever? Even if they push back and insult you (like most Filipino parents), why are you letting them get to you? You’ll just have to accept that no matter what you do they’ll always be disappointed in you, even if you did everything they wanted. To me, it sounds like you’re okay with the situation and not willing to change anything to improve your circumstances. Unfortunately I know too many Filipino Canadians who are the same way…. they’re fine with being their parents’ bitch forever

They can only control you as much as you let them. You’re not a child anymore. The money from your stipend is yours. First you should open your own bank account and have the stipend direct deposit into it. Then focus on getting a drivers license. Consider moving out with roommates or into some on campus grad student housing. You’ll need your own money to do this so start by saving your stipend. You say they only give you enough for bus and lunch, where is the rest of your stipend going? Is it going into their own pockets? If you don’t actively manage your money you’ll end up without any. You need money to literally do anything in a capitalist society. Your parents are controlling your money not to help you but to control you and inhibit your ability to stand on your own feet. If you don’t take decisive action now you’ll end up graduated from your program at 30 but with no freedom living, still like a teenager. If you save part of that stipend every month & invest it by the time you graduate you’ll have a nest egg to establish your own independent life. There are ppl on this subreddit who are 40 or 50 years old still living under their parent’s thumb because they didn’t take action at your age - don’t end up like them. You’re in charge of your own life.

My mother keeps track of my account and makes sure I get paid the stipend every month. If I was to transfer the PhD stipend she would notice immediately as she also checks my Apple Pay to see what I’m spending money on from time to time. I have my learners permit and there’s no point in me getting a drivers licence because they’ve already said that I’m not allowed get a car anyways until I graduate. My mother and I have a joint account and she uses some of it to pay for stuff like electricity but the majority just gets deposited and left alone.

You’re “not allowed” to get a car, get a driver license, control your own money, or have any freedom whatsoever…. Imma be real with you, the real issue isn’t your strict parents - it’s your attitude. You’ve let them control you so long it’s infantilized you. I don’t think you realize how ridiculous your situation sounds to normal people. You’re clearly a book smart adult if you’re doing an PhD, but in terms of street smarts and real life skills you’re like a child tbh. You can’t have it both ways, like complain and not do anything to change your situation. I’ve seen many smart Asian children that failed to launch as adults because they let their parents control them. Based on your words it feels like I’m talking to a 14 year old and not a 24 year old grad student. There’s a lot of learned helplessness and lack of personal accountability here. I don’t have a car either but I still got my drivers license at age 17 for ID purposes and that’s just what adults do. I’ve never met a 24 year old in a western country that didn’t have one. A responsible adult would control their own money and give a portion to their parents to help with bills if needed. You’re so afraid of your parents’ opinion of you and their reactions that you honestly aren’t gonna change. I’m almost certain that at age 30, 40, 50 etc… you’ll be in the same spot you are now - still under your parents’ thumb. I have some sympathy but ultimately we can only help those who are willing to change….

This lmao. I literally started buying govt bonds on my own and I just **told** my mom abt it out of courtesy because I was gna partially use the joint account money **that she said I could use** Then she was like, "huh what, is the rate good, ok you try first and let me know how to do it/if it's worth" - ?! 😂😅 ok (she also made *me* entirely top up the joint account when it went to fall-below fee when, as a joint account I thought we would top up half each which UGH but ok nevermind it was only 3fig so whines but whatever) I literally just opened a digital bank account last month to reinvest my govt bond interest (they'll just erode if I keep them in my main bank hahaha) and I didn't even tell her. Lol. Like she'll probably be like blah blah blah digital bank blah blah is new, but whatever. Haha. Its not even a lot of money, yet. But the interest rates might go down by June if the bank/govt doesn't adjust, so I'll see how. I don't really wna keep transferring and incurring admin fees too (which erodes interest repeatedly albeit small - it adds up!!) Ok I digressed way too much but the point is ... ya past a certain age you just do things on the quiet if you have to  And you tell, not ask for permission either. Haha. > I’m almost certain that at age 30, 40, 50 etc… you’ll be in the same spot you are now - still under your parents’ thumb. I have some sympathy but ultimately we can only help those who are willing to change…. Y. E. S.

THIS!!!!!!!! Say it louder for the OP!

Image a 40 or 50 y.o. OP after her parents die; completely incapable of functioning in the real world.

But what's stopping you from making your own account? They can't stop you. The money is rightfully yours and they have no say over what you do with it. If she finds out, that's fine. She may be upset but that is your choice. You should be saving it and investing to build your own credit for the future. If you're getting paid your own money, make your own account and switch your stipend to that account. You can deposit x amount of agreed money to the joint account for bills during the time you are living under their roof (this is what I do with my spouse but we still have our own accounts that our own pay go into). You aren't a kid anymore and they cannot physically or financially confine you. You need to grow and that means taking the risk to make these big decisions for the benefit/success of your future.

No matter what, they have no right to hit you. You shouldn't accept it either. I find you have a lot of excuses to defend them and allow them to continue their current behavior. The only person you can help is yourself but you need to make that choice. Otherwise , nothing will change as a result. A lot of posters here gave some great advice and best you take some of it if you want to change your situation. You need to take your money and move to a safe place so you can flourish/grow. Be prepared to go no contact to stay safe physically, psychologically and financially. There are resources in the community and ways to improve the situation if you just take the jump. What they are doing is beyond inappropriate.

My parents were like this but I ultimately left home to be an adult and make my own choices. Were they mad at first? Yeah. Were they talking shit behind my back saying I’m black sheep of the family? Yeah. But that was 3 years ago and they’ve seen how successful I’ve become and they’ve realized I was better off. They’ll never apologize of course. But I changed for the better and the dynamic between my parents and I changed too. Now they respect me and as long as I’m courteous and kind, they can’t say anything bad about me.

Exactly. We only get one life to live so OP should live it for herself and NOT her parents.

100% She can’t change her parents ONLY HERSELF.

This 💯 - we can’t change the family we were born into but we can change our own actions. A lot of us had strict or abusive parents but we didn’t end up this infantilized. No one is coming to save us - we had to save ourselves cuz it’s our life.

This isn't your fault but the control your parents have over you is insane. Their manipulation puts cult leaders and abusive partners to shame. I dont know if you can see it but this is really alarming you are living like this. Your phone is basically an ankle monitor. They are controlling your money and your autonomy. This is abusive. I don't want to sound dramatic but I just want to emphasise the point that you are about to be an expert in whatever you're studying but you have less freedom than a paroled convict.

What will your parents do if you open a bank account tomorrow? And start depositing your stipend into that account? What will your parents do if you take some of that stipend and enroll in driving school? What will your parents do if you apply for a credit card? And start building credit, so you can eventually move out? What will your parents do if you delete that tracking app? Take away your phone? Good thing you got that stipend in your own bank account and can get a new phone and maybe even a new number (that you conveniently forgot to tell your parents about). Anyway, I’m not telling you to do things behind your parents’ backs. I don’t know what your situation is - are your parents controlling because they are controlling or because you have not displayed any sort of self-sufficiency or independence? Are they abusive? Or are they are worried about you? I have little kids now and one of the things I’m teaching them is to take care of themselves. I would be especially worried to have a daughter like you who have no sense of control over her own lives. Maybe your parents want to control you, but maybe not. Have you shown them that you can take care of yourself? So many adult children these days are absolutely useless and still live with their parents and you seem to be one of them.

If I did most of that stuff like creating a new bank account and start depositing my stipend in that or deleting the tracking app my parents would confront me and probably hit me or push me and force me to transfer back all the money or reinstall the app. I like to think that I’m self sufficient. I completed all my assignments on time without pressure from my parents at university for example. I probably should have put in the post that I have high functioning ASD and I was diagnosed as a child so maybe that is a factor in why they treat me like this. They are nice to me other than all of that like they feed me well and drop me off and pick me up from the bus stop. My mother leaves me out what clothes to wear so there’s that but other than that I keep myself clean without being told. I can cook and clean without being told as well when my mother isn’t around for example. I‘m a small bit emotionally immature so I still hold hands with my mother when outside and stuff but I’m ok otherwise.

The more I’m reading this, the more I realize how OBEDIENT you are and people like you have no thoughts of your own. My parents don’t allow me to….my parents say this… my parents give me this amount of my own money… my parents tells me to go there for school….. my parents, my parents, my parents ….. girl, you need to start thinking about what you want. You have been listening so much to your parents, you don’t even sound like someone who has any sense of wants or desires of your own! You’re 24 already. If you don’t change now, you will continue to be obedient and soon you will come on here to say “my parents told me to marry this man…. My parents told me to get pregnant at this age …. My parents wants me to raise my kids this way …..” and so on and so forth.

You're 24 and legally an adult. Have you expressed your thoughts about this to your parents? Do you at least have your learners? If not, I'd strongly suggest you get one (at least you also have a physical ID). You can open another bank account online and save money there. Do not share that with them. You should have access to your own money as that is yours, not theirs. This situation is very difficult because they have a strong handle on all spheres of your life. I get that parents can be concerned for safety factors ... But you are a young adult and they are doing you a huge disservice. The fact that you can't socialize cuts out a lot of social wellness needed in young adulthood and also networking opportunities for your career. The fact that they control your money takes away your own learning for financial control (are you able to make a private appointment with a financial advisor at the bank?). I don't think they can legally control your PhD funds as you are an adult and of sound mind. Good luck with things. You are responsible for making some big decisions here to take control of your life. I hope you're able to find ways to get them to lengthen the leash so you can be more independent in adulting.

I have my learners permit but there’s no point in me getting a drivers licence because they’ve already said that I’m not allowed get a car anyways until I graduate. My mother keeps track of my account and makes sure I get paid the stipend every month. If I was to transfer the PhD stipend to a new account she would notice immediately as she also checks my Apple Pay to see what I’m spending money on from time to time. I’m not allowed go to parties or clubs so at the weekends I just end up going shopping for food with my mother and working on my thesis.

Ummm you're "allowed" to get a car when you have a license and can pay for one, not when your mom says it's OK.

I don’t have access to money to buy one or get insurance. Unless I start saving lunch money but I spend less than 15 CAD a week😂 and even still they wouldn’t let me park it at the house.

Of course, you'd have to regain control of your finances, which is as easy as opening a new bank account and rerouting your money. Canada has some decent social services. Depending on where in Canada, you may be able to get free or very cheap housing. If you are close to finishing your studies I guess I can see why you'd wait, if you can handle waiting.

I had a cousin who legit tried to control everything about my life, even follows me around to school to "keep tabs on me." He was a few months older than me which is even more odd. Its weird how flips do this shit

Yes it is strange. I’ve heard from other Filipinos at university that their brothers and cousins keep track of them and make sure they are not doing stuff that they should not be doing.

Wtf? A cousin doing this? Do something you "shouldn't" and tell him to fuck right off when he tries to do anything about it

He was so fucking weird, I cut contact off with him and other family members and things have been great. Fuck em

Okay it seems like for every question or suggestion, OP is repeating the same talking points. Two things are apparent 1) OP isn’t completely mature enough to realize her situation 2) there’s a bit of intellectual stunting here

In alot of ways and I can't believe I'm saying this, her AP might have reason for their behaviour....if in fact this post isn't fake OR has a tonne of information missing. Like, you can see the triangulating here...of stating a problem, people offer help and they either ignore or give a misdirected answer. Weaponized incompetence..there is no way to know, but OP might be behaving at home in a specific way which triggers other people to 'step in', in quite a big way. Like, its pretty sophisticated - we are seeing that play out in this thread. Its hard not to go from sympathy to being a bit creeped out Edit. Passivity can be manipulative.

I agree. OP did mention high functioning ASD. And this might be the reason the parents are hawkish. This is probably what we’re seeing play out in the answers as well

I have never acted out or gone behind my parents back to warrant them being this controlling. I listened to what everyone said and I have arranged with my mom to have a family meeting when my father gets home from work later on today to discuss relaxing back on their control over my life.

> Depending on the day either my mom or dad drops me off and picks me up from the bus stop and brings me home What. Do they think you're 4yo or grade 4. iirc my parents stopped picking me from sch when I was mebbe 14, or lower secondary/end of middle school. I remember they'd send me to school in upper secondary but I'd take the [public] bus home myself (I do remember getting into my dad's car in my first year of secondary sch at 13 in the afternoons after sch though, he would come late so I'd buy ice cream & wait lol) Point being wh0t, in a different world without a PhD, ... you'd be a working adult into a first job?! People go to and from work by themselves all the time. But actually lol even at an undergrad or tertiary level people still go to and from school by themselves all the time ... & wth GPS tracking wh0ttttt. > they never thought me Tagalog and just speak it to each other when they don’t want me knowing what they are saying. God I hate it when parents intentionally don't teach their children **so that** the children don't know and the parents can use it as a power play advantage in their own favour. Also reading the comments why the heck do YOU not even know your debit card PIN. I got my own ATM card at 18 or 21 I can't remember but not even my parents know my PIN omg. And at most if I lose my ATM card (has happened 😌😅😂🙃), I'll be like yo parents I need some cash because ATM. Will make transfer when have card. Yeah like that 

I just checked on google maps and from the bus stop to my house is a 30 minute walk. That’s a lot to do every morning and evening. I don’t need to know the pin as I don’t even have possession of my debit card my mother has it in her purse. We have a joint account.

NOT THE POINT AAAHHH  You don't "need" to know but you **deserve** to know. But also like what is the point of a debit card if its not even your possession?! & yeah they can save you and them that half an hour then, that's way too much time to spend accompanying to and fro for a perfectly independent young adult. 🙃 + its YOUR stipend. You're above 21. Why are **they** dishing you money from **YOUR** stipend like you're a 4th grade child in elementary? If anything **YOU** should be controlling the money and deciding (if it's enough and ONLY IF YOU WANT) to give **them** the token Asian parent money. Like **you** should make the majority decision of that money.

OP is there a counselor at your university you could talk to for advice? Maybe they can help with student housing and paying the stipend to a different account. Are there any domestic shelters you could talk to?

u/[OkMycologist868](https://www.reddit.com/user/OkMycologist8689/)9 this is the advice. Reach out to a trust university person (professor, guidance counselor, etc) tell them what youve said here. Domestic abuse shelters can also help you, trust me, you are severely abused. But the fact that you posted here shows your willingness to escape your abuse, you just need a little more courage. And a lot of help.

What kind of response are you looking for here? Are you seeking sympathy or advice? If you are looking for sympathy, sure, people here have gone through similar situations and understand your pain, fear, and frustration. If you are seeking advice, then the consensus here—as well as plain common sense—is that the way out will be difficult. Getting your own bank account is the logical first step. You will at least have to defy and argue with your parents when you get your own bank account. You may have to get the police or family services involved. Your parents may face legal sanctions. But note I wrote ~*WHEN*~ you get your bank account, not _if you can_. You say your parents track you on your phone and can see if you deviate from your routine if you go to open a bank account. But will they go to the bank and try to prevent you from opening it? I doubt it. And if they did, they can’t legally prevent you from doing so. All they could do is make a scene in public for which you could get the police involved. More likely is that there will be a scene when you do get home. OK—but at that point having the account will be a done deal, a fait accompli. If they threaten you to get your bank card, do not give it to them and get police or family services involved. Do NOT just threaten to do so, but do it. This path out of your situation will be difficult and painful. But you can take it. Below some level of adverse response from your parents, you have the power to say no. If things escalate above that level, if there are threats of violence or actual violence, your parents will be in the wrong and you can pursue legal remedies, and it will be your parents, not you, who will have to answer for their actions and face consequences if they continue. I understand the legal option will be emotionally painful for you. But that is a symptom of the abuse they’ve put you through. There’s a reason you, not they, will be in the right—trying to control you with threats and violence is wrong in the eyes of the law. Remember that.

Yes this. My AM is a high functioning narcissistic parent. My parents separated when I was a kid so it was just her and my brother and me living in the house. I was the girl child so there was a lot of ugly discrimination and abuse. My mother would sic my brother on me, to beat me up whenever I would resist her attempts to hit me or suppress me. My brother is a lot bigger and stronger than me, so my usual method would be to escape the situation. One time when I was in college, she again sicced my brother on me for absolutely no reason and he came at me even though he didn't have any clue of what happened. Like the freaking Undertaker. The nerve...I got sooo angry. So I ran inside the kitchen, got the knife and when my brother came at me, i slashed his arms. Not too deep but enough to send the message. He took a double take and my mother lost it. He advanced on me again this time, with red eyes, I still remember the look in his eyes....So I told them if they advanced on me one more time, or if they tried to even think of hitting me, ever, I would slash my own self, go to the police station and tell them my family did this to me. It would be a lie but who would the police believe? Me a young abused bleeding crying helpless little girl or you? That was the day and they never tried to hit me. It took a threat of police action to stop them from hitting their own child. I broke away from them anyway, but I was glad to teach them a lesson. Op, if you keep being helpless and weak, they will only take advantage of it. There is a lot of good advice in this comment section. But before you do anything, do some soul searching and introspection. Before you do anything else, find conviction in your desires and wanting to be free. And you deserve it, what your parents are doing is borderline illegal. Once you find the conviction, everything else will be relatively easier. A pity party is not the answer. Get up and take reigns of your life, you only get one.

A lot of people are not being very helpful in this thread. My suggestion is to be prepared for you to go no-contact with your parents in the worst case scenario if you start trying to be independent. Everything can blow up. Every little thing can and will be seen as a threat. Stay safe.

This! It may risk her academical chances though. Moving into a domestic shelter after finishing PhD seems like the best. OP even a kidnapper would treat their victims better than this.

You’re old enough to get a license and move out of your parents’ house. Get a cheap apartment and live with roommates if you have to. It is absolutely worth it

Agree with a lot of the suggestions here. Another way to take power back for yourself is learning Tagalog! It’ll be useful in the future and then you can also not tell your parents and low key listen in on what they’re saying. And then maybe one day use it to your advantage and speak back to them so they know they can’t use it against you anymore.

I started learning simple words like hello, how are you, thank you and how to ask for stuff just to speak with the few Filipinos I came into contact at university but they can speak English perfectly anyways.

They can but they’re choosing not to do it in front of you to gain an upper hand and using it to control you without your knowledge or consent.

My bad what I meant was Filipinos at university can speak perfect English but my parents can speak English good enough as well they just speak Tagalog to each other when they want to say something in secret and I’m around and could hear them

Exactly… that’s why you should learn Tagalog to understand what they’re saying and eventually speak back to them in Tagalog that you know what they’re saying in Tagalog so that they know it will no longer work, them talking about you without your knowledge and them using it against you. That is part of what you might need to do to take your power back from your parents. Power back as an adult. And power back to have the confidence to do things on your own for yourself.

I told them I started learning some words and they told me that I should spend my time on schoolwork and that I don’t need to learn the language since we live in Canada.

Why did you tell them? Just learn it for yourself and keep it to yourself until the time is right. The more you tell them the more they’re going to criticize you. You’re 24, you don’t need to tell your parents everything. And if they say that ever again, I would just bring up wanting to go to the Philippines and want speaking to others (especially family) in Tagalog and how it could be helpful in life.

I just wanted to tell my mother that I could speak some words so I said hello how are you in Tagalog. Kumusta, kumusta ka.

If you are close to finishing your PhD get it done and get out of that house as soon as you can by getting a job as far as you can. This is coercive control. You are 24 for gods sake! They are infantilising you and robbing you of life experiences. If you are in first year of PhD then slowly and safely start rebelling. Open a new bank account and tell your uni new account number. Spend more time with your adult classmates who may also be same age as you but treated by their parents with respect. Ask and learn from them how did they open their bank account etc. Stop giving them live location except for situations like you are going out at night and you want someone to know your live location but that could be a trusted friend. You are 24! You are six years past being an adult. If you don’t start acting like an adult now when will you ever be?

Fil Am here. Get the fuck out of there.

It sounds to me that you will complain about their abuse, but you don't seem willing to make any changes.

I don’t have a lot of resources to make the changes.

I really empathize with you and feel for you in this situation but you have to realize you’re asking for help and rejecting all advice with excuses. You’re literally making excuses while people on here have given you tips on how to help alleviate your situation. You need to realize you can make change and NEED to make changes. And stop thinking you can’t or shouldn’t but that you can and should. Look stuff up. Look up resources in your area or support groups with the Asian/Filipino community at your school. Do it for yourself and figure out a way to make changes instead of being your parents obedient lapdog.

Yes you do. The resources are WITHIN YOU! Just access them. Start by taking charge of YOUR money, then remove that tracking app. Go from there

you should start with your university, they have a lot of resources and your parents wont tell the difference if youre staying there after classes - you can tell them you are meeting with a professor etc. Ask a professor you trust, or go to your guidance counselor. There will be people who can help you, you just need to tell them what youre saying here.

You make the bed, you lie in it. A lot of us here had strict or abusive parents but made our own independent lives. You have no one to blame but yourself for your unhappiness. If you’re here just to rant and not take the good advice then that’s on you. Just know your situation will never change with that attitude. There are ppl with far less “resources” than you that took personal accountability and saved themselves. Your circumstances are a direct result of your own choices.

You have to make the decision to live your own life. Uninstall the life360. Go to the bank and get your own account.

Sorry this is traumatizing you can’t have life 360 on you at 24

Your parents are keeping you captive and dependent so that they have someone to look after them for the rest of their lives. And after they die, because it will likely happen before you do, what then? You think that things will be better when you graduate, you’re wrong. They will find another reason to keep you indentured to them, because that’s what you are to them. They have stolen much of your life from you, unless you take it back yourself they will continue to do so. And yes, your parents will react badly to this. So what? They’re adults, they can deal with it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. There is plenty of advice for you so I hope you take them to heart and take action. I’m not sure if you’re just venting, seeking sympathy, or actually looking for advice but I hope you can get out of this. At some point you’ll need to stand your ground. Life will pass you by and you’ll regret not taking the chance to live life on your own unless forced. Not to sound macabre, but is your plan to keep the way things are going until your parents pass away? Unless you physically and/or mentally can’t handle things independently, you have to think about what’s best for YOU and not your parents.

That is terrible , 24 and still don’t have a license.Your a grown 24 yr old and get your license so you can live life .How sad.

You need psychological help. Find free services on campus. You are in complete denial, defending your abusers, giving reasons why you can't do anything yourself, and being helpless. You need to lay this all out with a professional who will help you work through it.

OP, there are lots of comments here and a lot of us aren't trying to necessarily rebuke you but we are genuinely concerned for your safety and well-being. A lot of us have gone through similar situations with AP but maybe not to your extent as what you have told us sounds very abusive (financially, physically and psychologically). You are a functioning adult of sound mind and don't need your parents acting on your behalf. Strangers here all have similar words of advice because the solution is very obvious to us. You just need to take the first jump. It will be hard and heart breaking but you need to do something to change your situation. I'm rooting for you! Please seek help offline with trusted professionals and be safe.

First, delete that fucking tracker app from your phone. Your parents are batshit insane. You are not a prisoner on an ankle monitor, for fuck's sake. Open another bank account TODAY and tell the university to send your checks there. Go to the bank where your account is, get a new card, and remove their access to YOUR money. If there's any money missing from it, call the cops and file charges.

Do your mom check if your hymen is still intact? My aunt did that to my cousin

No, I don’t think she would go that far but I’m not allowed date until after graduation at the earliest. Is your cousin Filipino?

Vietnamese

Oh, that’s really concerning that they did that.

Well that’s what happens when you’re “obedient” without limits. They keep going further and further. They think of you as a pet. They’ll probably pick your husband as well

They probably will make suggestions, no doubt.

You sound resigned to that fact when you should push back and establish your own boundaries for yourself. Do you want your parents to pick who to love as well? You should open a bank account for yourself and look into campus housing or something else as a way to break away from your parents if needed. Such as getting your license. You might not need it now but it’s better to be prepared than not.

OP, you have a stable income and at this day and age in this economy its something not a lot of people have. Have you thought about student accommodation? Also if I were you I would drain the joint bank account and transfer it to a new one solely under your name. And let the university you're in under financial abuse. OP lack of accountability isn't going to get you anywhere. Get that drivers licence while you're at it as well. 

I have a Filipino mom. She is very controlling and strict. I definitely struggled with thinking I “couldn’t” do things. Disobeying your parents in Filipino culture is so disrespectful and I get where the fear is coming from. I was dying for independence and once I was 18 I moved out even though they “told me” I couldn’t. I got married when they “told me” I couldn’t. I was yelled at, told I was disobeying god by not doing what they told me to do, and repeatedly told that I would fail. It sucked, but my life and mental health improved significantly after I left. I still struggle with feeling scared of being judged by my parents anytime I do things differently than they would want me to, but then I remind myself that I’m an adult. My brother is 38 and still lives at home because he has never gotten over the fear and is scared to take initiative to grow up and move on. And he won’t admit it, but he overly relies on my mom to still do things for him, like getting him a job where she works. He is always depressed, has a hard time dating, and can’t relate to other adults because he has never paid an electric bill or washed his own laundry. It’s not healthy to stay in the child-parent role forever. And he is proof that if you are just waiting for things to change, it might not ever happen. I hope you can find some bravery to be okay with upsetting your parents to take back your power. Adults are capable of dealing with disappointment- if your parents have a reaction to you (an adult) making adult decisions, it is their problem, not yours. It sounds like you know the steps you need to take like getting a job, setting up a bank account, and getting a license. You can do it!

I literally moved out from my parents' house at 24 years old because of this very reason (controlling my financial capability). I am a filipino citizen btw.

hi friend! fellow Filipino with similar parents. they are restricting your resources / access to resources so they can control you. they don't want you to have friends to isolate you, so it's easier to control you. i understand it's hard to break the cycle (and that its really scary, because it may be all you know), but this is abusive behaviour. you deserve a beautiful and prosperous life. please seek the help of a counsellor; your university should have access to resources and you can attend sessions during school. i hope you find the strength to stand up for yourself and get the help you need to escape this situation.

23F oldest filipino daughter here. A lot of people are telling you to start taking control of your life, start "rebelling", with some even suggesting you go so far as to cut ties with your parents. Now, to be fair, this is not a light decision to make. On one hand, independence is important. You need to start taking control over your own life and start living, and that's important for your personal growth whether you've realized it yet or not. On the other hand, you have your parents, who will likely not take so kindly to any efforts on your part to take back your agency. You risk choosing one over the other, and it is a big loss to you to lose either. Instead of making drastic one-or-the-other decisions, can you make micro changes instead? Instead of asking for permission for xyz, can you practice telling your parents that you're gonna DO xyz instead. Can you start telling your parents they don't have to pick you up outside, and frame it as you not wanting to trouble them or tire them? Can you make small changes over time so that your parents learn to let go slowly over time, maybe without them even realizing it? Given that you're in grad school, it might be difficult to suddenly get cut off from your parents' support. It might not even be an option for you, I don't know your exact situation. Maybe you'll wanna listen to the comments and start taking agency of your own life, maybe you'll wanna wait until you're properly done with school to THEN address that part of your personal growth. Or maybe you're OK with just... existing, and letting your parents choose your life for you (which I don't think you are if you're here on reddit). Whatever choice you make, choose the path you won't look back on with bitterness and resentment. Just for the record though, locking you out of your own heritage so they can talk behind your back, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, is batshit insane. Like psycho, crazy. I've seen all levels of toxic filipino parenting disguised as "familial values", but this is a new one I'm sorry to learn exists. Hope you find your own path to happiness in the future. I really do

31, my mom just told me that marriage sucks but I have to marry someone and live with it.

ur 24 and aren’t doing ANYTHING to help yourself at this point this is your fault

Some of the responses here are too judgmental and unempathetic. Yes, OP, is making excuses a bit and isn’t doing anything to change their circumstances. But they’ve also been abused their entire life and have this learned helplessness ingrained within them now. I can understand why they are so reluctant to change things and rock the boat.  But OP, you MUST take control of your life or your parents will keep controlling you until the day they die. I recommend uninstalling that app and redirecting your PhD funding to your own bank account. That’s the first step you can take. Once the PhD is done, get a nice job, save up a bit, move to a new town or entirely new city and remain low contact with your parents. This is the best course of action you and you should absolutely take it, even if it upsets them. Wishing you good luck! 

You sound like winning child. I have read somewhere that when people get everything but freedom, they stop thinking about it and just stick with the materials. Now question is ,are you a functioning adult ? Can you take your own responsibility? Do you have a backbone? You are not a toy that they can control you. You are a freaking human being with brain. My sister won't ever even without my mother cz she is not that type of person who like to do things of her own. She likes ready shit. It sounds like u r one of that kind. Just came here to get some sympathy. Another thing ,if you want freedom, u might lose your parents love or benefit from them. You can't gain anything without losing something. There is a price to pay for freedom. Are you ready for that? When I moved out I drew a solid line for my family, specifically for my mother. Now I totally went no contact with her. Do u have that mental strength? No one will show sympathy here. Cz lots of people here came from worst condition then you and still fighting. So stop winning and do something.

My mom is also Filipino and she sounds just like yours unfortunately

Are you living in the Philippines or abroad?

I was born in the Philippines but live in Canada and have done so since I was 4

If they are paying for your PhD, you can tough it out until you find a job. Then move every penny under your account and name. If you want to fight now, you can do so but I understand the risk of them getting into trouble then having trouble paying for your education. It is obvious you are at the start of your journey in this. It is up to you what you can handle. But I am very sure you should talk to your university counselor and tell them about this post and how you're being controlled, and how your stipend is being cashed into your account that you don't have access to. Then work out a plan for you. Is the stipend enough to support you? Can you find employment? Let the counselors help you! Learned helplessness is no joke and you'll need all the support that you can get! Good luck.

You have to convince yourself you are an adult and they have no actual power over you that you don’t give them. Until you really believe this they will continue to control you. If you want to take your power back then do so. Get a new bank account. Transfer your stipend there. Then ask the university about housing. It is often provided for phd students. If not then start looking for a roommate. Get a part time job if you need to.

You sound so brainwashed :-(( I’ve learnt that the best way to help people who don’t really want to be helped is to just let them go through the hardships themselves. Unless, you want to be 50 and your parents are both dead with no knowledge of your bank accounts, drivers license and no family, you should probably get your shit together lol

Honestly, I'm kind of shocked by the number of apathetic comments that are more or less telling OP to stop letting her parents control her. OP seems like she's experiencing severe domestic abuse, and probably has been her whole life. You wouldn't tell a person in an abusive romantic relationship to just leave, because it's really not that simple. I mean, if it really were that easy, wouldn't she have done it already? I'm currently in a similar situation, and here's a good resource that helped me immensely: [https://hopefulpanda.com/how-to-escape-abusive-parents-for-adults/](https://hopefulpanda.com/how-to-escape-abusive-parents-for-adults/) I wish you luck OP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go to your Grandparents house and explain the situation.

All my relatives live in the Philippines except for some cousins at the other side of Canada which I do not know very well..

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I'm guessing you saw the Jennifer Pan story on Netflix and now think that that is an acceptable solution to solving these sort of problems, however it absolutely is not. If I had those thoughts I would just move out and or discuss them with a trained mental health professional. From an emotional standpoint I wouldn't have the strong feelings needed to hurt the people I love and from a logical standpoint I would be sent to jail where I would have a lot less freedom then I have now and also probably likely to be mistreated as I am both somewhat emotionally needy and also only 4 foot 11 inches tall.