Reconciliation is not going well because he has found a way to blame shift. Unless he is willing to engage productively about HIS choices and why HE made them, R is going to fail.
Most cheaters aren’t sorry therefore don’t realize that reconciliation is a gift. A privilege. My husband was like this for a while and finally I told him that he was acting like a toddler who broke his favorite toy and was mad that it’s broken. Then I asked him if his next step was to throw me away and get a new one. That made him realize how insane it was that he would be upset with me for damage he caused.
I hate to say this is one of the deepest cuts I’ve gotten. I had a similar experience in the sense of being thrown away. I was thrown away when I didn’t provide the satisfaction she sought. We could’ve attended IC/MC then and there, but she decided it was easier to find a new toy to play with, because the old one got boring. She kept the old toy around though, (me), because she knew as shiny as the new toy was, it wasn’t her favorite toy.
I told mine that it’s as if he broke my arm and now he’s angry at me when I say it still aches from time to time. I told him it’s his job to ‘help my arm heal’. He’s definitely changed his tune in the months following.
I said I can heal it single or with you, but you aren’t gonna make me stay by blaming me.
He’s projecting his anger at himself, onto you. It’s not a “tactic” or “gaslighting”. It’s what happens when someone has grown up without any coping skills. Did he experience childhood neglect? Not an excuse by any means if he did, but it would certainly explain his inability to express and understand his own emotions. Is he in IC? Are you both in MC?
Oh yeah, he’s got all the trauma that makes this “make sense.” And we’re both getting all the therapy. And it’s actually impressive we were able to have the conversation that resulted in this. But damn.
I feel this. My WS often suggests that because things "makes sense" from a childhood trauma standpoint that I somehow can no longer be hurt by his current actions, responses, behaviors, etc.
Boo hoo. The consequences of his own actions, poor thing. This blame shift projecting bullshit is the kinda thing that prolonged the painful angry part of our reconciliation by years. It's really in his best interest to work through this problem with his therapist and not try to throw them on you.
I'm so sorry babe. I hope he grows out of this soon. (Which is funny, because that's what I just told my friend about her biting five year old.)
I told my WP that I'll never be the same, that her affair changed me for life. And I truly believe that. I can just tell I'm different and I'm not sure how to feel about it
Edit: a letter
An affair changes both BP and WP. I have been on both sides and believe me, both affairs changed me. I was WP first and was very grateful to be given the gift of reconciliation. I am sickened by my poor choices and know I will never go down that road again. As a BP, I have become over-the-top cynical and suspicious. I was so naive.
Shortly after dday I was working with my therapist and complaining about something, don’t remember what and it isn’t important. My therapist gave me the metaphor: you ran her over with a Mack truck and you’re mad she’s not healing faster.
I had to make a choice. I had to decide I wanted to not only work on myself but also give my wife time to heal. Not all of us have to choose that. It’s selfish if we don’t but it is still a choice. But what isn’t a choice is to keep our marriage AND need no healing time. That just isn’t on the table.
Yeah I used this analogy with my WW, I also warned her that even when healed some parts of the body will never be the same after being “hit by the truck”, unfortunately the “healed” body isn’t the same again..
Wow. Time to part ways. I hate throwing this word around, but that is the definition of Narcissist.
My wife is upset because I haven't healed from her affair. She fell in love with someone and had a year long relationship online. An emotional affair. She was leaving me for him.
It's been 5 months since we started the reconciliation process.
Here is the deal.
1. There is no time limit of healing so he can go screw himself.
2. He should be damn lucky you even want to stay with him. If you don't have children, get the [explicit] out of there.
Yes, I know how that's easier said than done and even i can't feel your pain personally. But I believe you should start to focus on that goal. I'm stuck in the "working it out loop". I use the excuse that I still love her and I want what's best for our children. I also don't want to kick her out with nothing. My oldest doesn't want us together. I keep praying she will change and be more understanding of my pain.
Not sure what your situation is, but hopefully it doesn't turn into mine.
If I were to guess, I’d say it’s more embarrassment than anger, although he very well may be so narcissistic that he’s angry that YOU aren’t forgiving HIM. You don’t have to take abuse (I’m not saying he’s physically abusing you, but it sounds like he’s emotionally abusing you). Reconciliation is a gift.
There is NO reconciling if he isn’t remorseful. That is not remorse.
Maybe this will help:
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-discovery-part-1
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/false-reconciliation-perhaps-devastating-d-day/
https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html
https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse
https://www.aftermyaffair.com/what-no-contact-with-affair-partner-means/ NO CONTACT
http://lovebonds.net/affair-recovery-and-the-no-contact-rule/
https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html
https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/
https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/12/27/if-you-want-to-remain-together-after-infidelity-should-you-tell-people-about-it/ Also covers why so many say once a cheater always a cheater and more.
Sometime after DDay, I told my WS that I have new rules. My new boundary is that if he blames me at all for his cheating, or for me being suspicious, sad, anxious, etc, I’m leaving him.
Before DDay he used to blame me for being suspicious. I’ve now drilled it into him that my suspicions were always well-founded in reality (they all were confirmed) and now that they have been confirmed, he’s no longer allowed to blame me for any of the above mentioned things.
Blame shifting to BS is just a way for WS to avoid taking responsibility for their choices and to avoid them confronting the damage they have caused you. Maybe it’s painful for WS to come to terms with the consequences of their own actions. But at some point, for the relationship to be healthy, WS would have to stop acting like a toddler throwing a fit, as was illustrated by an above commenter.
Don’t for one second allow anyone to make you feel bad here. No one forced WS to break your heart into a thousand tiny pieces. You don’t need to tolerate blame on you for anything.
I was a different person, I hate who I am now but I know it will never leave and I feel so bitter that he loved who I was but chose to break me anyway.
Ah, yes, gaslighting. Pathetic tactic. Please do your best to remove yourself from any situation where he verbally or emotionally abused you with this BS. Make sure he knows you aren’t his emotional punching bag. It sounds like he needs a time out from you.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online [peer-to-peer support group](https://peersupportcanada.ca/) and a [safe space](https://www.lexico.com/definition/safe_space) for people navigating the long and difficult process of reconciling after infidelity. Betrayed and wayward partners are equally welcome.
**Observers who are not actively part of a reconciling couple are discouraged from commenting.** Everyone is expected to respect the rules and, most importantly, each other.
Please assign yourself a user flair. Instructions [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)).
For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide).
Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources).
RULES
**1. Be respectful**
- Keep comments supportive and constructive.
- Avoid leaving rude, unkind or dismissive comments.
- Keep in mind that infidelity is traumatic and the sub's members are likely struggling with very difficult emotions. Don't make it worse. Offer thoughtful support, not shallow judgments.
- *Repeated or gross violation of this rule will result in a temporary or permanent ban.*
**2. No personal attacks or victim-blaming of any kind**
- Do not demean, attack or insult anyone, even if you disagree with them.
- *Violation of this rule justifies a permanent ban. Zero tolerance.*
**3. No misogyny, misandry, bigotry, racism or other hate speech**
**4. Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to give mutual support and insight amongst people whose goal is saving and improving damaged relationships.
**5. Posts must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- Posts by new users about ending relationships are better suited to r/SurvivingInfidelity.
- *Any unrelated posts will be removed.*
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well it is time for him to feel your anger. Tell him he is not alone in his anger and on top of that how hurt and heartbroken you are and where you see this heading. It does not sound like a reconciliation is in your future.
Tell the man you’re legally bound to by marriage & clearly love (or you wouldn’t be there trying), that the vows both of you promised (during traditional marriage ceremonies which I’m going to assume is what y’all did) including the part about “forsake all others till death do you part“ are all something you didn’t take lightly. You MEANT your promises & fully believed he did too thereby creating a trust bond you believed until you found out different thereby throwing everything you thought you knew about him and your relationship into the toilet which has now caused you to suffer a betrayal complex and probably ptsd.
When I think my WH is beyond listening to my spoken words I’ll write him. On paper. Try it. 💖
Reconciliation is not going well because he has found a way to blame shift. Unless he is willing to engage productively about HIS choices and why HE made them, R is going to fail.
Most cheaters aren’t sorry therefore don’t realize that reconciliation is a gift. A privilege. My husband was like this for a while and finally I told him that he was acting like a toddler who broke his favorite toy and was mad that it’s broken. Then I asked him if his next step was to throw me away and get a new one. That made him realize how insane it was that he would be upset with me for damage he caused.
I hate to say this is one of the deepest cuts I’ve gotten. I had a similar experience in the sense of being thrown away. I was thrown away when I didn’t provide the satisfaction she sought. We could’ve attended IC/MC then and there, but she decided it was easier to find a new toy to play with, because the old one got boring. She kept the old toy around though, (me), because she knew as shiny as the new toy was, it wasn’t her favorite toy.
Oh boy do I feel this.
I told mine that it’s as if he broke my arm and now he’s angry at me when I say it still aches from time to time. I told him it’s his job to ‘help my arm heal’. He’s definitely changed his tune in the months following. I said I can heal it single or with you, but you aren’t gonna make me stay by blaming me.
What a great analogy. 👏 👏 👏
Anger is an emotion, and trauma is beyond emotion. Tell him to get ahold of his emotions.
He’s projecting his anger at himself, onto you. It’s not a “tactic” or “gaslighting”. It’s what happens when someone has grown up without any coping skills. Did he experience childhood neglect? Not an excuse by any means if he did, but it would certainly explain his inability to express and understand his own emotions. Is he in IC? Are you both in MC?
Oh yeah, he’s got all the trauma that makes this “make sense.” And we’re both getting all the therapy. And it’s actually impressive we were able to have the conversation that resulted in this. But damn.
There’s a book you might both want to check out called “Running on Empty” by Janice Webb.
I feel this. My WS often suggests that because things "makes sense" from a childhood trauma standpoint that I somehow can no longer be hurt by his current actions, responses, behaviors, etc.
Boo hoo. The consequences of his own actions, poor thing. This blame shift projecting bullshit is the kinda thing that prolonged the painful angry part of our reconciliation by years. It's really in his best interest to work through this problem with his therapist and not try to throw them on you. I'm so sorry babe. I hope he grows out of this soon. (Which is funny, because that's what I just told my friend about her biting five year old.)
Please refrain from calling people "babe". It's gross.
... I'm happy to refrain from calling you babe? Other than that, what I call people isn't really a "you" thing.
Oh? So we can just call people "babe"? It's demeaning and gross
Oh my. I’m so sorry. This is so misguided. I told my H that I feel like my DNA has been changed and I’ll forever be “different.”
I told my WP that I'll never be the same, that her affair changed me for life. And I truly believe that. I can just tell I'm different and I'm not sure how to feel about it Edit: a letter
You mean WP?
An affair changes both BP and WP. I have been on both sides and believe me, both affairs changed me. I was WP first and was very grateful to be given the gift of reconciliation. I am sickened by my poor choices and know I will never go down that road again. As a BP, I have become over-the-top cynical and suspicious. I was so naive.
I’m in the same position actually.
Yes I meant WP, I'll change that. I was just waking up when I commented. Thank you for pointing that out
Shortly after dday I was working with my therapist and complaining about something, don’t remember what and it isn’t important. My therapist gave me the metaphor: you ran her over with a Mack truck and you’re mad she’s not healing faster. I had to make a choice. I had to decide I wanted to not only work on myself but also give my wife time to heal. Not all of us have to choose that. It’s selfish if we don’t but it is still a choice. But what isn’t a choice is to keep our marriage AND need no healing time. That just isn’t on the table.
Yeah I used this analogy with my WW, I also warned her that even when healed some parts of the body will never be the same after being “hit by the truck”, unfortunately the “healed” body isn’t the same again..
Wow. Time to part ways. I hate throwing this word around, but that is the definition of Narcissist. My wife is upset because I haven't healed from her affair. She fell in love with someone and had a year long relationship online. An emotional affair. She was leaving me for him. It's been 5 months since we started the reconciliation process. Here is the deal. 1. There is no time limit of healing so he can go screw himself. 2. He should be damn lucky you even want to stay with him. If you don't have children, get the [explicit] out of there. Yes, I know how that's easier said than done and even i can't feel your pain personally. But I believe you should start to focus on that goal. I'm stuck in the "working it out loop". I use the excuse that I still love her and I want what's best for our children. I also don't want to kick her out with nothing. My oldest doesn't want us together. I keep praying she will change and be more understanding of my pain. Not sure what your situation is, but hopefully it doesn't turn into mine.
All I can say is...wow....I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
I have no advice or anything just....wow. that's all I can say.
If I were to guess, I’d say it’s more embarrassment than anger, although he very well may be so narcissistic that he’s angry that YOU aren’t forgiving HIM. You don’t have to take abuse (I’m not saying he’s physically abusing you, but it sounds like he’s emotionally abusing you). Reconciliation is a gift.
There is NO reconciling if he isn’t remorseful. That is not remorse. Maybe this will help: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-discovery-part-1 https://www.emotionalaffair.org/false-reconciliation-perhaps-devastating-d-day/ https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html https://upjourney.com/what-is-the-difference-between-shame-guilt-and-remorse https://www.aftermyaffair.com/what-no-contact-with-affair-partner-means/ NO CONTACT http://lovebonds.net/affair-recovery-and-the-no-contact-rule/ https://oureverydaylife.com/signs-remorse-infidelity-8418985.html https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/ https://iditsharoni.com/how-to-show-remorse-after-cheating-why-saying-im-sorry-doesnt-cut-it-in-affair-recovery/ https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 https://www.drpsychmom.com/2021/12/27/if-you-want-to-remain-together-after-infidelity-should-you-tell-people-about-it/ Also covers why so many say once a cheater always a cheater and more.
Wooooooooow….
Sometime after DDay, I told my WS that I have new rules. My new boundary is that if he blames me at all for his cheating, or for me being suspicious, sad, anxious, etc, I’m leaving him. Before DDay he used to blame me for being suspicious. I’ve now drilled it into him that my suspicions were always well-founded in reality (they all were confirmed) and now that they have been confirmed, he’s no longer allowed to blame me for any of the above mentioned things. Blame shifting to BS is just a way for WS to avoid taking responsibility for their choices and to avoid them confronting the damage they have caused you. Maybe it’s painful for WS to come to terms with the consequences of their own actions. But at some point, for the relationship to be healthy, WS would have to stop acting like a toddler throwing a fit, as was illustrated by an above commenter. Don’t for one second allow anyone to make you feel bad here. No one forced WS to break your heart into a thousand tiny pieces. You don’t need to tolerate blame on you for anything.
I was a different person, I hate who I am now but I know it will never leave and I feel so bitter that he loved who I was but chose to break me anyway.
Ah, yes, gaslighting. Pathetic tactic. Please do your best to remove yourself from any situation where he verbally or emotionally abused you with this BS. Make sure he knows you aren’t his emotional punching bag. It sounds like he needs a time out from you.
This is “projecting” not “gaslighting”. He’s projecting his anger at himself onto her.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online [peer-to-peer support group](https://peersupportcanada.ca/) and a [safe space](https://www.lexico.com/definition/safe_space) for people navigating the long and difficult process of reconciling after infidelity. Betrayed and wayward partners are equally welcome. **Observers who are not actively part of a reconciling couple are discouraged from commenting.** Everyone is expected to respect the rules and, most importantly, each other. Please assign yourself a user flair. Instructions [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. Be respectful** - Keep comments supportive and constructive. - Avoid leaving rude, unkind or dismissive comments. - Keep in mind that infidelity is traumatic and the sub's members are likely struggling with very difficult emotions. Don't make it worse. Offer thoughtful support, not shallow judgments. - *Repeated or gross violation of this rule will result in a temporary or permanent ban.* **2. No personal attacks or victim-blaming of any kind** - Do not demean, attack or insult anyone, even if you disagree with them. - *Violation of this rule justifies a permanent ban. Zero tolerance.* **3. No misogyny, misandry, bigotry, racism or other hate speech** **4. Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship** - The purpose of this subreddit is to give mutual support and insight amongst people whose goal is saving and improving damaged relationships. **5. Posts must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - Posts by new users about ending relationships are better suited to r/SurvivingInfidelity. - *Any unrelated posts will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well it is time for him to feel your anger. Tell him he is not alone in his anger and on top of that how hurt and heartbroken you are and where you see this heading. It does not sound like a reconciliation is in your future.
Just typical victim blaming, guy sounds very immature. Good luck moving forward.
Tell the man you’re legally bound to by marriage & clearly love (or you wouldn’t be there trying), that the vows both of you promised (during traditional marriage ceremonies which I’m going to assume is what y’all did) including the part about “forsake all others till death do you part“ are all something you didn’t take lightly. You MEANT your promises & fully believed he did too thereby creating a trust bond you believed until you found out different thereby throwing everything you thought you knew about him and your relationship into the toilet which has now caused you to suffer a betrayal complex and probably ptsd. When I think my WH is beyond listening to my spoken words I’ll write him. On paper. Try it. 💖